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Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Van Allen

Copyright 2016 Van Allen

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Van Allen

Screaming Weasel Productions

Distributed by Shakespir.com

Copyright 2016 Van Allen

 

 

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

www.VanAllenFiction.com

[email protected]

Follow me on Twitter @GrProject43X

Follow me on [+ FaceBook/VanAllen+]

 

Shakespir License Notes

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

 

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission of the author/publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

 

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation to anyone bearing the same name or names. Any resemblance to individuals known or unknown to the author are purely coincidental. This is entirely a work of fiction.

 

Cataloguing Information:

Allen, Van

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test/Van Allen

FIC028070 FICTION / Science Fiction / Apocalyptic & Post-Apocalyptic

Table of Contents

 

Title Page

Licensing Information

Introduction

Pre-Test Tutorial with FAQs

Zombie Hive FAQs

The Definitive Test

The Answers

Final Word (with References)

About the Author

Introduction

 

Hopefully, you are reading this because you feel you are ready to take my definitive zombie outbreak survival test. The truth is you’re not ready. You’re almost ready.

However, if you feel you don’t need all this intro stuff, set-up, and pre-test crap, if you just want skip right to the test questions, click here:

Take me to The Definitive Test dammit! I am absolutely Badass!

 

For the rest of you, surviving a zombie apocalypse will test everything you’ve got. Passing my test is just a start, a pretty good start, but just a start. Most of you won’t pass, so it’s just the start of seeing how unprepared you are.

My test is designed to check if you are ready to survive a zombie apocalypse, mentally. Physically and psychologically you’re not ready, but survival is 90% mental and 10% everything else. So let’s get started.

This test is a written multiple-choice test because, well quite frankly, none of you would pass the full 45-day test we make US Marine zombie outbreak responders pass. That test is called the ZORT Meat Grinder (Zombie Outbreak Response Team). It consists of weeks of physical survival tests such as weaponology, what to eat and what not to eat, how to treat injuries, how to make and how to avoid booby-traps, how to escape and evade assholes, how to MacGyver or jerry-rig random everyday shit into useful tools and contraptions that ensure your survival, and ultimately how to do all the things you need to do to defend humanity when you are hungry, dehydrated, injured, and getting less than two hours of sleep in three days.

That’s what you want your Marine Corps zombie fighting teams to do with great superiority. When the shit hits the fan or when the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator, you’ll be glad these military badasses were tested to their fullest capacity. In my training, I am the single holder of the USMC record score, a perfect score, on the React Course section of the ZORT training. The React Course is a very secretive combat course that tests a Marine’s leadership abilities and the ability to think and solve problems under the pressure of a ticking clock and while simultaneously dealing with fatigue, stress, and creatively bad situations. In some ways, ZORT training shows us things that are worse than should be expected during a zombie apocalypse.

The ultimate goal of our training was to show ZORT Marines what they did well and what they didn’t do well. I graduated #7 in a class of 100. So, if I had one weakness to disclose, I guess I would say it’s my willingness to violate human decency rules just to survive. I’ll give you some examples: 1) I would never eat another person. No matter how close to starvation I am, I would never do that. 2) I would never hurt children or other defenseless people or put them in danger. So, no sacrificing less fortunate people just so I can survive. 3) I would never in a million years eat a spider. I don’t know what in Heaven or Hell ever possessed God to make spiders. I’ll starve before I eat a spider. ZORT training showed me this. Dogs, cats, lizards, grubs, beetles, snails, squids, fish guts, worms, frogs, even maggots and other larvae, I will eat the shit out them in a New York minute. Spiders is where I draw the line, and people. I also don’t do very well in cold weather.

I’m considered a zombie apocalypse survival expert, tested in the halls of Montezuma and the shores of Tripoli. I have committed myself to writing zombie outbreak preparedness public service announcements (PSAs) for as long as it takes. When I retired from the Marines in 2005, I consulted for several municipal and local ZORTs. In 2009, when the top-secret classification on my case files expired (thank you Congress), I started writing zombie survival PSAs for free. YES! Before The Walking Dead, I started helping the Center for Disease Control (the CDC) get the word out about the deadly potential of pandemic outbreaks and zombie apocalypses. I just dropped my PSAs on the internet and made myself available to answer questions whenever people wanted to know more about viral outbreak response protocols, zombie outbreak response tactics, and zombie apocalypse survival preparation and strategies.

My PSAs have been downloaded 1000s of times. I spoke on a few late night radio shows, a couple of podcasts, offered some advice to a couple of TV shows and movies, which I won’t name, because I thought they should have credited me and they didn’t, and I even helped write training manuals for a handful of military outfits here in the US and abroad. Okay I will name-drop one movie, World War Z. In this movie, a central theme is zombies can sense sick, injured, dying, and dead people and tend to not attack them. Stay tuned here and you’ll see how that specific fact about zombie psychology was first published by me.

You’ll also get a sense of what the hell is wrong with the TV show, The Walking Dead. These CDC, US Government, and WHO sponsored projects are offered to make people more aware. These and other zombie “entertainment” can be sophisticated and allow us to grasp traditional conceptual reasoning through the observed actions of others. When you read about zombies or battle zombies in a video game, you are a) doing exactly what the CDC hopes we will all do, and b) you are training your brain to be ready, more ready. By vicariously experiencing the zombie apocalypse in a book, movie, TV show, or video game, you can become more prepared and hopefully you will know what to do when the shit hits the fan. Well, some of you will know what to do.

Hopefully, you have read my many previously published zombie outbreak survival PSAs or guides to help you get ready for this test. If you have read my previous works, then you know what I have to say about zombies is real. Hopefully, you are reading this because you know a zombie outbreak can and will happen. You know several zombie outbreaks already happened and are on record historically. Hopefully, you are reading this because you want to be one of the survivors when the shit hits the fan. You know luck and history favor the prepared. Hopefully you are reading my PSAs because you can see in the news a global pandemic outbreak is inevitable. You know a full-blown global pandemic zombie outbreak is long overdue.

 

I’ve said it before, I’m not writing this to win a Pulitzer or to win over publishers and fans. I’m writing this so YOU can get a taste of the apocalypse now before it’s too late. So please tolerate my use of profanity and certain vulgarities, and a few grammar, elements of style, and syntax problems as you read this. If you see any military terms or acronyms you are not familiar with, just do your own homework and Google them later or DM me on Twitter or email me and I will carefully explain in more detail.

When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator (when the shits hits the fan) and you find yourself up to your armpits in zombies, crazed, panicked survivors, and ill-mannered hooligans (survival assholes), you need to know what to do. You need to know what it takes to be a badass and survive.

 

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Quotes by Captain Van Allen, USMC:

 

If you can’t be a badass, then get you some badass friends or be prepared to give up your shit: food, supplies, women, children, your life, your soul, your dignity, anything you care to protect—your shit, to other badasses.”

 

Surviving a zombie apocalypse if tougher, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

 

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it’s viral.”

 

Don’t play with your zombie; it will make you go blind.”

 

In a zombie outbreak, treat stupid people like you would treat zombies. Avoid them or kill them if they get in your way.”

 

Zombies don’t kill people and take their shit; people kill people and take their shit.”

 

In a zombie apocalypse, you need to be prepared to fight the living and the dead, but especially the living.”

 

In poker, a 9mm beats four aces. Similar gun commandments apply in a zombie apocalypse.”

 

In a zombie apocalypse, be prepared for assholes. God made a whole lot of them and they always seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations.”

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

Pre-Test Tutorial with FAQs

 

I began writing these short zombie outbreak survival guides aiming to increase public preparedness for an eventual zombie outbreak and the ensuing pandemonium that will follow. Let me share a little more information about me before I begin listing some FAQs about Z-virus outbreak survival. Some of these FAQs will relate very closely to other information I shared so far in previous PSAs such as my super popular book, Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get It Right or Die. Get it Right or Die has been downloaded more than 5,000 times worldwide. It’s been the subject of a college course and it’s been used as a trainer by three US Federal Agencies. You need to read this one book first before you attempt to take my test. Zombie Outbreak Survival: Hive Incident #83-2005 is another prerequisite read before attempting this test.

If you have a hard time understanding these two zombie survival guides, then you’re going to have a very hard time passing this test. You may need to read my PSAs three or four times and then talk about them with a study group before you’re ready to take my test. Plus, these two books are free to download…for now. So download them now before I get greedy and start making people pay me for my zombie outbreak survival advice.

 

About Me: I retired from the US Marines after 21 years of active duty service. I served in several international actions and incidents involving peace-keeping and combat, including several special squads and details. I enlisted in 1984 as a private and I retired in 2005 as a Captain. I have three Masters Degrees; one in Psychology, one in Physics, and the other in Biology. I am certified to teach urban warfare tactics, desert and jungle survival, and counterterrorism and a few other things like Mathematics, Physics, Biology, combat swimming, and self-defense, to name a few. My dream job would be either head football coach or lead criminal investigator. I love football and I hate criminals.

I started writing my original series of zombie outbreak PSAs planning to only get a head start for the month of September hoping to educate the masses about the dangers of a real zombie outbreak mainly because September each year coincides with the start of the flu season in the northern hemisphere. September is also National Preparedness Month. Preparedness for what, you ask. Find the answer here (US Govt Outbreak Readiness Information).

As any well-prepared zombie outbreak responder knows, a pandemic zombie outbreak will most likely start during or just after a deadly pandemic flu outbreak. In North America, flu season starts in September and runs through the spring—deadly pandemic flu outbreaks are most likely to happen during the late fall and winter months.

A pandemic flu event similar in scale to the 1918 Spanish Flu outbreak can kill as many as 200-500 million people worldwide in as little time as three or four months. The biggest window of opportunity for a pandemic zombie outbreak is when a Z-virus outbreak piggybacks off an uncontained seasonal pandemic flu outbreak.

Just imagine 500 million dead worldwide and global social services collapsing daily. We had a hard time dealing with a few thousand Ebola deaths in 2013! We have a hard time containing malaria! When there are more dead bodies piled high, more dead than were killed in all the wars in the last two centuries combined, that’s when you will know the zombie apocalypse shit already hit the fan. Oh, but things can and will get worse fast—500 million dead can turn into two billion dead worldwide in a matter of weeks.

I realized after writing daily PSAs for just one full month in October 2009 I needed to do even more, write even more. There is so much more to share, so much more I know about zombies, so much more you will wish you knew when we are all finally faced with a zombie pandemonium. Keep in mind, the best cure for a zombie outbreak is prevention.

 

What can you do to prevent a zombie apocalypse right now?

 

1) Get an annual flu shot and encourage everyone you know to do the same.

2) Wash your hands all the time.

3) Stay away from sick people.

4) Get physically healthy and stronger day by day, starting right now.

5) Read all of my PSAs to increase your survival knowledge.

 

If you can’t be a badass, then get you some badass friends or be prepared to give up your shit: food, supplies, women, children, your life, your soul, your dignity, anything you care to protect—your shit, to assholes and other badasses.”

~Van Allen

 

Before you are ready to take my test, it may help to get a refresher, just in case you were not paying attention in my previous lessons. Here I will refresh more zombie outbreak survival tips and strategies and tactics. I may also offer some you haven’t heard before. This will be your last warm-up before the final exam. Please review my past zombie outbreak survival PSAs. If you have a question, send it. Leave some reviews/comments and let me know what you think.

 

Recommended:

I recommend you read Max Brooks’ novel, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War. This fictional story about a post-apocalyptic zombie outbreak survivor reads like a first person account. Buy it online or you can even buy the audiobook and download it to your cell phone and listen to it while you’re jogging or stuck in traffic. The novel has a few common problems consistent with most zombie fiction, but in general, it is a great reference for planning for survival.

One of my favorite zombie movies is 2009’s Zombieland. The best part of this movie is the list of rules for surviving in a zombie outbreak. I’m a fan of planning ahead and sticking to your survival rules. In this movie a Z-virus outbreak piggybacks a deadly global outbreak of mad cow disease. If you need help making your survival rules, read my previous PSAs were I shared my own Zombie Outbreak Survival Rules.

 

Other Zombie Outbreak Training References

 

Movies:

Zombieland

Michael Jackson’s Thriller

Contagion

Outbreak

The Crazies

World War Z

Scooby Doo on Zombie Island

Resident Evil

Warm Bodies

28 Days Later

 

TV Shows:

The Walking Dead

ZNation

In the Flesh

Fear the Walking Dead

Death Valley

iZombie

 

Video Games:

Call of Duty Zombies

Zombie Island

Resident Evil

House of the Dead

Dead Rising

 

Apps:

Stupid Zombies

Zombies, Run

Zombie Frontier

Into the Dead

Infection Bio War

 

From the CDC:

Solve the Outbreak App

Zombie Preparedness 101

 

Recommended Reading:

 

What you need is a toughness groove that runs from the top of your head and down your back to the very base of your spine as described by Navy Seal, Richard Machowicz in his book, * Unleash The Warrior Within*.

 

[+ Documentary: 10 Civilizations that disappeared under mysterious circumstances+]

 

Take a look at one of my all-time favorite zombie characters:

Solomon Grundy born on a Monday

 

The pandemic Spanish Flu outbreak of 1918 (Harvard: Spanish Flu 1918).

 

A global [+ pandemic outbreak of H5N2+], an uncontrolled avian flu.

 

For homework, take a look at the Army Survival Manual.

 

Zombie Outbreak Survival FAQs:

 

One of the more frequent questions I’m asked is if I was a member of the Special Forces. It’s important to know “Special Forces” are elite military combat units trained and designed for fighting other military units and other elite military units. You might also call in a Special Forces team to deal with a terrorist incident such as a mass hostage situation. You might even send in a Special Forces unit to combat a large gang or gangster or drug cartel scenario.

While you will see Special Forces units working to eradicate zombies in an outbreak, Special Forces are not needed to combat zombies. Zombie outbreaks response is a much more specialized combat scenario. You could use Special Forces to augment zombie outbreak response teams, but you couldn’t use ZORTs to augment Special Forces units.

ZORTs are more about containment of zombie outbreaks, riot control, dealing with people in panic, taking out stumbling bumbling zombies, and taking down a few assholes here and there, but what’s missing is the threat of facing another government military combat unit or elite combat unit. Special Forces can deal with a broader range of problems.

So you don’t need a Special Forces unit to deal with a zombie outbreak. However, many Special Forces units such as Delta Force, the Green Berets, Navy Seals, Marine Force Recon, and even Russian Spetsnaz units include zombie outbreak response training in their regimens.

I have never been assigned to a Special Forces unit, although, while assigned to the Marine ZORT command at Fort Hood, my Sergeant Major, Ramon Mathos, was a member of Marine Force Recon and actually served as an instructor at the Navy’s Seal school in Coronado. Off and on we would train with Special Forces teams, but these units are a whole other level of badassery I fully respect. I received a commendation for passing the Army’s Special Forces physical fitness test with a perfect score back in 1991.

Also, standard staffing protocols require a set number of staff in ZORT command to be Special Forces trained and qualified. Two senior Marines from my commands, Sergeant Major Moran and Master Sergeant Mathos were two of the most cold-blooded badass people I have ever met. Anybody near these two badasses during any kind of shit storm like a zombie outbreak or an embassy siege is going to come out all right unless you are on the business end of their badass intentions.

As badasses go, I’m about a 7 out of 10. One thing any badass must know is exactly how badass he or she is. I’m a 7 out of 10. I know my own limitations. Again with spiders… During jungle survival training in Panama, I attended a course on what to eat and what not to eat. They brought out some tarantulas and said we could eat them. I failed that course. I will not be eating any tarantulas. If it’s life or death and I need to eat a tarantula to live, well then I’m going to be one dead fucker cause I am not eating a fucking tarantula. Bugs? Yes. Spiders? Aw hell No. Dogs and cats? Yes. People? No.

It’s funny, Special Forces troops like to bring a small bottle of Tabasco pepper sauce with them to help make almost anything edible. For me? Spiders? No. People? No. I’ll starve first. Lizards and snakes? Oh, hell yeah. I know my own limitations. Moran and Mathos are both 15s out of 10 on the badass scale. I would like to think they would say I am one of the most badass Captains they have ever worked with, but in truth, I’m probably not. Am I badass enough to deal with a zombie outbreak? Hell yeah! Am I elite trained to take out other Special Forces and elite combat units? Yeah, I have the basic training and I am trained in commanding Special Forces units, but I have never commanded or been assigned to a Special Forces unit. I have never attended a Special Forces school. Can I deal with roaming bands of lunatic survival assholes in a zombie apocalypse? You bet your sweet ass I can, efficiently and effectively, better than most. Marines don’t really like to wave their certifications and awards high in the air for everyone to see. We would rather let our results speak for themselves. When the shit hits the fan, call me. I’ll deliver the results.

Does a ZORT command or unit qualify as Special Forces? Technically, no. Keep in mind, zombie outbreak response has more to do with containment and busting caps in a stray asshole or two or ten here and there. There’s not much chance of facing off against a government sponsored military unit or an elite Special Forces unit during a zombie outbreak. This should give you a higher level of confidence in your own survival potential during a pandemic zombie outbreak. You don’t need Special Forces training to survive. I decided to write these PSAs because you will need something more than just luck and good looks to survive. Anyone who takes their survival seriously and applies a certain degree of intelligence to their survival goals will have the best chances. Reading my PSA improves your chances and mine.

 

Could terrorists start a zombie outbreak?

Yes. However, outbreak models rigorously studied by Texas A&M show artificial Z-virus outbreaks sparked by acts of terrorism would tend to be short-lived. The highest potential for a full-blown zombie apocalypse exists best when a Z-virus outbreak piggybacks right after some other pandemic outbreak. A naturally occurring Z-virus outbreak is the most deadly outbreak there is. It would require large numbers of dead and unattended bodies.

While terrorists with synthesized Z-virus are scary enough to imagine, such zombie outbreaks are actually quite easy to contain and control. Germans experimented with controlled outbreaks in WWII and they found them to be completely unreliable and unlikely to produce the desired results because of the difficulty in controlling the rate of the outbreak beyond the initial incident. There are Japanese outbreak models that suggest an artificial outbreak is very possible when it is combined with other terrorist acts such as disabling a major power grid, or when it is combined with a pandemic outbreak or some other natural disaster, but again such outbreaks are relatively easy to contain compared to a natural outbreak.

 

You said there are vaccines for Z-virus, so why doesn’t the government vaccinate everyone now before the apocalypse?

The CDC maintains active Z-virus vaccines in sufficient doses for emergencies and can replicate the vaccine relatively fast and easy. The government proactively gives the Z-virus vaccine to key government workers such as scientists, lab workers, key health officials, CDC agents, federal agents, and the military, but only as a proactive preventive measure. We need a certain number of Z-virus resistant people in key places if we intend to survive a full-blown zombie pandemic event.

The problem with the vaccines that have been developed is the FDA approved Z-virus vaccine kills about 10% of all the people who get it. Because the mortality rate for the vaccine is high, it cannot be authorized for public use until there actually is an outbreak. Imagine if 10% of the people who got the flu vaccine died from it—we’d never roll the dice on that vaccine publicly.

In a zombie outbreak, the Z-virus vaccine can and will be provided to anyone who is not already infected, but who is also highly likely to be exposed. People around the center of an outbreak ground zero can be force-vaccinated according to containment protocols. Contrary to what you see in some zombie movies, once you contract the Z-virus there is no cure. You will either die and become a zombie or you will not die because you have some inherent immunity to the virus. About 1 in 100,000 people have a natural immunity—if a zombie bites them, it would just be for practice; although, zombie bites themselves can become infected with other things and can also prove to be deadly, if say a zombie bites someone in a major blood vein.

Another problem with the vaccine beyond the 10% death rate is the vaccine also has a 5% zombification rate, where 5% of all who get the vaccine will turn into an infectious zombie. When people are proactively given the vaccine, they are quarantined in or near a medical facility for several days to keep an eye out for "bad reactions" to the vaccine. The Z-virus vaccine must also be administered in six doses, six steps, six injections over a two-month period (six injected dosage shots). Military members serving in the late 90s were given what was called the anthrax series of vaccinations. The Z-virus vaccine was secretly combined with this vaccine series to great success as many service members suspected. You can Google military anthrax vaccine deaths and see plenty of stories about these trials plus some true accounts of soldiers becoming zombies after getting vaccinated. I say the trials were successful because now we have a significant and growing number of people in the general population with immunities to the Z-virus. People like me.

The vaccine shows a 90% survival rate for those who get the full six shots. The first shot improves survival by just 10% and the subsequent shots improve survival further. For those of us who are fully vaccinated, if we are somehow later exposed to Z-virus it will feel like the worst flu we ever got. Barring any other medical conditions of relevance, we will fully recover in a few weeks. For those with natural immunity, exposure to Z-virus gives them only a case of the sniffles.

This is why the Z-virus vaccine is a tough sell. Plus, there are a whole lot of people who just flat out refuse to believe a zombie outbreak is even possible. Given there is a 15% chance something bad will happen to you if you get the Z-virus vaccine series, would you voluntarily take it? Military members in the late 90s didn’t have a choice in the matter. People in the immediate vicinity of an outbreak ground zero won’t have a choice either.

 

Why do zombies bite people and why do they crave brains?

Zombies bite and claw at living things (dogs, cattle, snakes), things that move, and sometimes other zombies too. Texas A&M lab results show the zombie brain is barely active. Only the parts of the brain controlling basic simple animalistic senses based primarily in the medulla oblongata; the brain stem, are active. This means the typical zombie (I’ll discuss atypical zombies later) can see, hear, and taste. Their limited brains are active only to ensure the survival of the Z-virus and this virus intends to spread itself to survive. Zombies only want to eat and spread the infection—they’re not much more complicated than that in direct contradiction to most zombie movies.

There is very little brain activity in a typical zombie and what activity there is has almost no residual mind/psyche/mental abilities compared to the original host. Zombie brains drive the reanimated corpse primarily to bite non-infected people to spread the virus. Because the Z-virus is active in body fluids, a zombie bite transfers the virus in saliva and other body fluids. The Z-virus is known to have an extremely short infectious potential outside the human body, so a saliva filled zombie bite will usually do just fine to infect someone. The Z-virus must then travel to the victim’s nervous system/brain to grow and thrive, so a bite to the brain has the highest and fastest potential for infection. This may be why a number of zombie movies show zombies with a hunger for and craving for brains.

Texas A&M studies show zombies are no more fond of eating detached brains than they are of eating detached fingers or pigs for that matter. Zombies feed for two reasons: 1) primarily to spread the virus, and 2) to maintain an energetic metabolism that allows the zombie to keep moving. A zombie will always attack a living breathing thing rather than an already dead thing, a dying thing, or a very ill thing. Their brains remain at least sophisticated enough to differentiate between dead things, sick things, and living things. Plus zombies have heightened pheromonal and EMF detection. They can smell you and they can sense where you are…more about this later.

An isolated zombie will starve and quickly die, usually within about two weeks in the best conditions (some climates are better than others – think of cigar humidors). A zombie with access to food and that isn’t damaged in some other way can stay infectious and mobile for about 90 days in the best climate. In many cases, a zombie will start to eat parts of its own body to avoid starving, to prolong its life.

This is critical to studying zombie outbreak models. How many people can become infected, how fast can it spread, and how long before the Z-virus runs out of people to infect locally and/or globally? Don’t let the 90 days fool you into false hope. There is plenty to worry about beyond 90 days and I will discuss that as this PSA continues.

 

Can zombies be cured?

No. There is no cure for zombies. Extermination is the most appropriate response. Zombie movies often allude to a potential cure, but this is pure Hollywood fiction and not really very good fiction either. The Z-virus needs a living host to infect. Only living breathing people can get infected. I recall a movie I saw where a man’s wife died naturally and so he went and got some zombie blood and used the zombie blood to reanimate her. He kept her chained up in their basement. I saw another movie where love cured a zombie. These are impossible potentials.

Dead people cannot be reanimated with the Z-virus, but I can see how this is confusing to some people. If you contract the Z-virus, you will get sick, die, and then become zombified. By the way, once you die, you are truly gone. There is almost nothing of the person’s mind/psyche/personality left in a reanimated corpse. It’s also pure Hollywood fiction to see a person reason with a zombie or talk to a zombie or communicate with a zombie or train the zombie to do things like work in a factory.

Once a person becomes a zombie, that person ceases to exist and there is no cure that can bring them back. Being infected with stage 2 (active) Z-virus is like getting the flu. There is no cure for the flu and there is no cure for zombification.

 

Go get your flu shot, dammit!

 

There is a vaccine for the Z-virus just like there is a vaccine for the flu and rabies, which I discussed in detail previously. Vaccines are not cures. They are proactive preventive defenses. The Z-virus vaccine would do nothing for someone who is already infected, a zombie. It’s only useful in preventing future infections. The Z-virus vaccine increases a person’s immunity to Z-virus. There are huge risks and side effects with the vaccine as I already talked about.

 

What are the best weapons against zombies?

The absolute best weapon against zombies is intelligence. Stupid and dumb people don’t really have much of a chance in a pandemic zombie outbreak. Life in a zombie outbreak will be tough, but it will be tougher if you’re stupid, infinitely tougher.

The next best weapon is prevention, which I talked about already. If that fails, the next best weapons are stealth, speed, and distance. If you move fast enough and stay away from zombies and other sick people, you can survive against zombies well enough.

One more thing, which I can’t stress enough… Stay away from stupid people—even stupid people with guns. Stupid people are like zombie magnets. Don’t be stupid and also avoid stupid people. In fact, one of my personal zombie outbreak survival protocols is to treat stupid people like zombies and eradicate them when I come into contact with them.

So did you get your flu shot yet? Do it! Your survival depends on it! What are you waiting for? When the shit hits the fan, it will be too late.

 

What are the best guns for killing zombies?

In a recent zombie survival guide, I covered weaponology in great detail. In this remedial tutorial before the definitive test, I’ll hit on some important concepts.

So, there’s a full blown zombie outbreak and you need to eradicate a few zombies (and apocalyptic survival assholes) here and there to ensure your survival. First, imagine an entire town or city full of zombies. How did this happen?

First, we will see a pandemic viral outbreak of something like a mutated flu virus. This viral outbreak will kill lots of people. A 30% or more death rate from any pandemic outbreak is significant enough completely to alter life on this planet alone without the threat of a piggy-backing Z-virus outbreak. Imagine one out of every three people you know dying and then combine that with collapsing social services, ensuing chaos, evaporating law and order, undisposed bodies mounting, and now some of the dead become the walking dead, roaming the streets, eating, biting, and infecting the survivors.

There you are when it all starts to happen. You’re in bad shape, physically. You like to smoke and drink and watch TV for hours while sitting on your couch eating pizza and potato chips. You’re thinking, “Zombies aren’t that smart. They’re not that hard to kill. I’ll be able to outrun stumbling bumbling zombies.”

As I’ve tried to say a few times before, it may not be the zombies that kill you. It just may be the roaming bands of survival assholes. Are you smarter than a mob of panicked lunatics?

Still, you can’t discount ALL zombies. There are a lot of teenagers in the world. When they become zombified, they will move and run a lot better and faster than your average run of the mill grandma zombie. They will chase you down not much slower than a mob of ravenous teenagers could do right now. So get off your couch and start getting ready.

Weapons are social equalizers. If something threatens you, a gun or other weapon can improve your chances of surviving the encounter. So you will need to appreciate some important weaponology considerations.

The great thing about America is there are plenty of guns and ammo accessible to the average Joe. There’s a gun store and a shooting range on every corner. If you don’t have guns and know how to use guns, well you could at least make friends with cool people like me who do; although, for a zombie outbreak, I’m not planning on being very friendly, but maybe other people will.

The best weapon depends on three key factors: 1) what weapons you have access to; 2) your knowledge and skill at using different weapons; 3) what threats you need to deal with.

You’ll hear a lot of weapon-people talk about their favorite gun or their favorite this or that. Look, listen up, and pay attention. In a zombie outbreak you have to reserve favoritism and go for what works. It’s a given fact that some guns are better than others for a wide variety of reasons. In a pinch, some gun is better than no gun. I suggest you check the web and also visit your local gun dealer to ask questions or read more of my previous PSAs for more weapons info.

By the way, my favorite gun is the M240G. Blame my gun tastes on my 21 years in the Marine Corps (Oorah!!!). I am extremely partial to that sweet piece of 7.62 beautiful killing machinery, the M240G (Marines call it the “240 Golf”). I nicknamed my 240 Golf Maggie when I was at the combat school. I have fired 240 Golfs a lot, I am very comfortable and accurate with it, I know how to fix it and clean it, and I know what it can and cannot and should and should not do in extreme situations. I know how to prep for crossing a deep river while carrying the 240 Golf. These are all very important gun selection factors, but think about it. The 240 Golf is a heavier gun with impressive and common 7.62 ammo; however, it’s designed to combat lightly armored military personnel and vehicles, so unless zombies start wearing body armor and driving Hummers, the M240G is just too much gun for the situation. Besides, they are incredibly expensive and their ammo is expected to be quite hard to find once the shit hits the fan. The latest version of what I trained with is called the M240B.

 

[* M240B information*]

 

So again, gun selection should be based on your access, ability, and the targets you want to shoot. I don’t recommend anything smaller than the 9mm or .38 caliber bullets for killing zombies. Both of these rounds are highly available and pack sufficient punch to blast through a zombie brain at a good safe distance.

Get some reliable 9mm semiautomatic pistols with high capacity magazines, at least 15 rounds or more. You can even find high-capacity 9mm magazines easy enough on Ebay and other places on the web. These need to be your bread and butter weapons for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Tips: Don’t ever rely on just one brand of gun and one brand of ammo. What you’ll find is that different brands of ammo work differently in different guns and sometimes not at all in some guns. While 9mm ammo is very plentiful and should be easy to find, some of the 9mm ammo you find may not work or work well with some 9mm guns. In one 9mm gun, a certain ammo will work fine, while in another gun you might find the same ammo causes the gun to malfunction or jam every fifth round fired. Find out what ammo works with what guns before you find yourself surrounded by a frenzied zombie horde.

 

Why is the 9mm pistol the bread and butter of the zombie outbreak survivalist?

In the previous FAQ, I stated a recommendation for arming yourself with lots of 9mm semiautomatic pistols as the bread and butter of your survival arsenal. I’m basing this on two key factors: 1) the flood of good, affordable 9mm handguns and 9mm ammo in the American marketplace, and 2) the 9mm bullet is really the smallest reliable bullet for cracking through a zombie skull and blowing its infected brain out the other side or damaging it enough at least to incapacitate it. Take out the brain and you kill the zombie—err, I mean rekill it—err, I mean…well you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, then read my earlier PSAs.

I like a good 45 caliber pistol as much as the next guy. A 1911 style .45 is a great pistol, but it will not do that much better of a job of eradicating zombies than a 9mm will do. The 45 is heavier, more expensive, and 45 ammo is a little harder to find than 9mm ammo. In a zombie pandemonium you won’t be able to mail order ammo or make a run to the local Walmart. Knowing that 9mm is the most common ammo you can expect to luckily find scattered all around the outbreak landscape, you can see why I recommend you have several 9mm pistols in your arsenal.

If the 9mm semiautomatic pistol is your bread and butter, then the assault rifle is your meat and potatoes. I’ll talk about assault rifles coming up soon. Look up the HK MP5 9mm assault rifle when you get the chance. It allows you to fire the same 9mm pistol bullets as a 9mm rifle bullet…brilliant survival strategy. Two different guns, two different situations, same ammo.

Don’t buy an expensive 9mm pistol. Some 9mm pistols can cost as much as $1200. You need four $300 9mm handguns 10 times more than you need one $1200 9mm handgun.

Don’t buy compact concealable handguns for your zombie outbreak arsenal. Full sized pistols with longer barrels and higher capacity magazines are heavier, but the versatility offering a shooter greater accuracy and distance is worth the trade-off. Look for full sized guns with large capacity magazines.

Take a gun class! Then practice shooting and changing magazines and reloading all the guns in your arsenal…very carefully. You need to know what they can and cannot do before the zombie pandemonium happens. But if you are lucky, you will get plenty real time practice during the pandemonium to become very good at this or die. Sometimes death is nature’s way of saying you’re a slow learner.

 

How many different 9mms should I have?

As many as you can afford. Try to stockpile them.

 

What about shotguns?

Every zombie movie ever made loves to highlight shotguns (and chainsaws too for some dumbass reason). Regular, standard shotguns in a zombie outbreak are overrated. While shotguns are very affordable and plentiful, they are heavy, their ammo is heavy, and even the best standard shotgun can only fire six to eight times before you need to reload (they’re very slow to reload too). Now, I am a huge fan of automatic shotguns like the ones made by Saiga, USAS, and AA. Oh yeah, and Striker’s Street Sweeper. These guns will make you drool! Some of these can be fitted with drums and magazines allowing you to fire 10-30 times before needing to reload and magazines and drums make reloading a very fast snap. I also love the .410 (smaller and lighter) automatic shotguns, but they are hard as all-get-out to find in the market place and the ammo is just as hard to find.

Still, even automatic shotguns have some drawbacks. They are generally heavier—meaning you can’t carry as much survival stuff as you may need if you are carrying one or more of these guns. Their ammo is bigger and heavier—meaning you won’t be able to carry as much of this ammo compared to other ammo. There aren’t a lot of these in the American marketplace—parts and components for automatic shotguns will be more difficult to locate in a zombie outbreak than for some other guns. One more thing—shotguns are not as accurate firing at longer ranges as some pistols and rifles. So you might aim at a zombie’s head from 25-50 yards away and blow off its arm, if you’re lucky. That’s better than missing the zombie altogether and shotguns do make it very hard to completely miss what you aim at.

Keep in mind, shotguns have a loud boom and cycle and a huge kick. Boom shakalacka!!! Boom shakalacka!!! This can work to attract more zombies if you’re not smart about it. This also makes shotguns an uncomfortable gun for small handed and small size people to fire. Also, do a Google search for the different kinds of shotgun ammo—everything from flamethrower ammo to signal flare ammo to multiple ball bearings…I love the options; I love pulling the trigger just once and making three to five 9mm size holes in a target. I love the idea of pulling the trigger on my shotgun and having a giant ball of fire erupt from my barrel like a flamethrower.

Keep a few shotguns preferably automatics or semiautomatics in your arsenal and carry them for backup in case you come across a zombie horde and need to blast them back away from you. If you hit a zombie with a shotgun in the chest, that won’t kill it, but that will knock it back a few feet and give you some time to keep moving. Also keep a few regular shotguns for your friends who are really bad shooters. They will waste your 9mm and rifle ammo, so give them shotguns to improve their chances of hitting something and helping even a little in tight situations.

 

What is the best assault rifle for surviving a zombie outbreak?

I like this question. The best assault rifle is the one you got. But if you are in the market for one, then let’s talk through that.

First, all rifles are exceptional zombie killing weapons—distance and range. But you need to focus on assault rifles when it comes to survival. Standard hunting rifles with their long range and slow rate of firing are fine for hunting. Standard hunting rifles aren’t really the best weapons for surviving a zombie outbreak.

Assault rifles are designed as anti-personnel weapons, usually for military or police use. They typically have shorter range than hunting rifles (but not always), faster rates of firing, larger capacity ammo magazines, and multiple components and accessories for personal tastes such as flashlights, lasers, bayonets (love them!), and scopes.

To answer the question of which one I recommend, it helps to also reference the same ideas I previously shared about handguns. What are the most common, affordable, and reliable assault rifles in the market place. Hands down, the best and most available assault rifle in the world is the AK-47. It is a brilliantly designed weapon. But AK-47s are not very available here in the US. If I happen to be in Europe or North Africa during a zombie outbreak, I will certainly try to acquire AK-47s as the meat and potatoes of my survival arsenal.

Here in the US, the most popular, common, and affordable assault rifle is the US military issued M16, which is also an AR15 and also an M4 (different names depending on variations and uses, but mostly the same weapon). The M16/AR15 is a lightweight, magazine fed, rapid firing rifle. It typically fires 5.56mm or .223 caliber ammo. This small sized ammo is the weapon’s primary drawback in a zombie outbreak.

The rifle is modifiable to fully automatic with a large number of accessories, components, and configurations, which include attachable lights, sights, bayonets, and even grenade launchers. The weapon can also be easily converted into a larger ammo size such as 9mm or even 7.62mm ammo. There’s even a hard-to-find conversion component for the AR15 platform that allows it to fire .410 shotgun ammo. So the platform is versatile. It’s best feature is its affordability.

As I stated previously ammo size is important. While the standard 5.56/.223 bullets are effective anti-personnel bullets, against zombies you will need to take into account the problem small ammo presents. However, a nice head shot with these ammos is sure to do the trick, just aim above the eyes of the zombie. One thing I like about the M16/?AR15 is the high spin rate of the bullet when it’s fired. When these spinning little bullets smack through a zombie skull they will zip, zing, whiz, and spin around inside that zombie skull, changing its dead brain into Swiss cheese or pea soup, most of the time. Again, shooting a zombie anywhere but the top of its head with almost any gun is almost always a waste of ammo.

Interchangeability, the ability to easily swap out parts and components, is one of the best features of the M16/AR15 rifles. Surviving is often a factor of your ability to adapt and improvise, and these rifles are extremely adaptable and interchangeable.

I said the M16/AR15 assault rifle was affordable and common. I did not say it was reliable. If you’ve ever been in a firefight with these weapons, you know the typical sound of these rifles: Budda budda budda jam. Budda budda jam. Budda budda budda budda jam. Soldiers have to practice immediate action steps all the time for these rifles until they are proficient enough at working the rifles to keep them firing in a fight. Immediate action for these rifles uses the acronym SPORTS – Slap the magazine. Pull the charging handle to the rear. Observe the ejection port. Release the charging handle. Tap the forward assist. Squeeze the trigger. Go to YouTube and take a look at several videos of AR15 jams so you know what to expect.

 

These rifles jam all the time! M16/AR15 reliability also evaporates extremely fast when they get dirty, cold, wet, or rusty—in contrast, the AK-47 has none of these problems.

But the M16/AR15 is the most common assault rifle produced in the US, so you need to know how to use them, clean them, take them apart, and fix them. Again, you can get expert training on YouTube. The M16/AR15 also has more complicated sights than the average Joe will be able to figure out very quickly. The best thing to do is to check some of these out (rent them) from your local gun range and get used to them.

Tips: If you wait until a zombie outbreak begins to start acquiring guns and ammo, it will almost be too late. You can always scavenge zombie infested cities and towns looking for leftover weapons. You’ll find some, I’m sure, but it’s best to start building your arsenal and start practicing now. A gun you know how to use is much better than a stray random gun you find on the street.

If you can afford better guns than M16/AR15s, then you’ll want to consider the HK (MP5) assault rifles (9mm, 5.56, and 7.62 versions). They are higher quality, but less common. While there are sexier assault rifles out there than M16/AR15s, avoid them unless you intend to get a lot of them for your own personal arsenal. Sexy guns won’t help you survive a zombie outbreak, common and available guns and ammo will help.

Keep in mind, 5.56/.223 and 9mm ammo are produced with the US military in mind as the number one customer (plus a few other customers worldwide), so there is lots of this ammo and lots of these components out there made for the most common type of guns used by the military (9mm handguns and M16/AR15/M4 rifles). An exotic French made 40 caliber assault rifle will quickly become a paperweight or a club in an American zombie outbreak. Don’t waste your money and your time.

 

Did you get your flu shot yet?

 

Why would I need a sword in a zombie outbreak?

When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and untold numbers of zombies are running through your streets, biting, killing, and infecting people, you will need to consider all kinds of weapon options to defend yourself and to increase your chances of surviving the mayhem.

We’ve covered guns. You won’t survive very long in a zombie outbreak without guns. When you run out of guns and ammo, you might as well slather yourself in gravy and lie across a dinner table and wait for zombies to come to your buffet.

But wait! This world is full of weapons other than guns. Watch any zombie movie and you’re guaranteed to get some ideas about weapons other than guns. These weapons include everything from improvised bombs and grenades, to kitchenware and cooking utensils, to torches and flamethrowers, to chainsaws and other farming and gardening tools from pruning shears to sports gear such as hockey sticks and golf clubs, and also martial arts weapons such as staffs, sais, throwing stars, and nunchakus. I saw a kid once fight off a small gang of thugs with a bicycle chain and a padlock on the end of it. Almost anything can be turned into a weapon. But some weapons are just better than others, especially when you need to eradicate zombies.

Guns give you a survival advantage because of their obvious lethality and distance factor—you can kill zombies very easy from a very safe distance. Keeping with my previously discussed rule about distance, you want to have weapons other than guns that can be used from a distance. Bows and crossbows are great and knives and stabbing weapons are not so great. Remember it takes a head shot that disables a zombie’s brain to kill it. An arrow through the neck of a zombie is a wasted arrow; a knife stab in a zombies back is a wasted stab; however, bashing a zombie’s skull in with a baseball bat or even a frying pan will always get the job done.

You need close-in weapons other than guns in your arsenal to help you conserve hard to find gun ammunition. You will need something as a backup when you run out of ammo. You will also eventually need to dispatch a zombie in a quieter way that doesn’t attract other zombies like gunfire will.

The problem with all close-in weapons such as bats, sticks, knives and clubs is the splatter. Zombie juice, blood, guts, brains, and other goop splatters. If any of this crap gets in your wounds or eyes or mouth or nose, you will soon be infected and eventually join the zombie team, unless you have Z-virus immunities as I described in a previous article. Even if you have some immunity, you still should protect yourself from contaminated zombie juices as well as you can. Weapons that cause big splatters should be used as a last resort. These weapons are clubs, bats, shovels, and anything that can kill by smashing in something’s head.

 

What about chainsaws?

Look, you have to unlearn the bad ideas you picked up from Hollywood’s zombie movies and video games. Almost nothing would cause a bigger splatter than a chainsaw, not to mention chainsaws are loud, heavy zombie magnets. If you see a survivor swinging a chainsaw, he’s either out of all other options or he’s stupid. In a zombie outbreak, chainsaws are how you know who the stupid people are. Referencing my rule about stupid people and the general outbreak apocalypse laws, I recommend you shoot anyone carrying a chainsaw to a zombie fight. So let’s waste no more time talking about chainsaws.

The best weapons other than guns are bombs and grenades. But these are hard to come by, dangerous to manufacture and use, hardly precise when used, and they attract zombies with their noise. Fireworks and low level dynamite and flares are easy enough to find and you should consider having these in your arsenal. These can be used to make pretty effective anti-zombie bombs. I also love claymore mines and other anti-personnel booby-trap type explosive devices. You can see how very effective a claymore mine would be against zombies on YouTube.

Explosives are just really hard to find and stock pile. The average Joe isn’t even remotely qualified to make, use, or even to stockpile explosives of any kind. Would you want to live next door to someone who has a stockpile of construction-grade C4 in their basement? I suggest you read and study the book Boobytraps U.S. Army Instruction Manual Tactics, Techniques, and Skills, available through online book retailors.

The very next best thing is a sword. Swords have lower splatter potential and higher killing potential than bats and clubs. The best swords are heavy to hold, very sharp, and long. You want a sword that can chop off a zombie’s head with one swing. I recommend a heavy two-sided, double-edged sword like British knights used so you can cut and chop, easily swinging in more than one direction. I also recommend a katana, also known as a samurai or ninja sword; a long one. Military-grade machetes are also great for zombie outbreak survival and are more common and affordable than most other sword-like weapons; look for a long one. Make sure you have more than one sword in your arsenal. Swords break and chip when you use them.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “If I had to chop would for six hours, I would spend the first four hours sharpening my ax.”

In zombie lingo, this would be, “If I had to spend six hours clearing zombies, I would spend four hours sharpening my blades so all I needed to do was chop up zombies for two hours.” Or something like that.

 

Will an ax work for killing zombies?

Axes work, but not as well as you might think. Look at any ax in your local hardware store like Lowes or Home Depot and you’ll see that axes have a very short cutting blade. If it’s all you have, aim for the zombie skull. With an ax or even a professionally made two-sided battle ax, the chances are you’ll miss more zombie skulls than you’ll hit. Zombies don’t usually just sit there waiting for axes to hit them in the head. A sword has a much longer blade giving you a wider margin of error making it easier to hack into at least some part of the zombie target if you are slightly off. If you are slightly off with an ax, you’ll probably just get eaten.

I found a brush axe at Lowes for about $35 and this tool is ready to go for the zombie apocalypse. Just be sure you know that with any cutting tool like a blade or a sword or an ax, you will also need the tools for sharpening the tool. Blades will dull quickly. You should do a YouTube search for the proper sharpening techniques for different blades. By the way, the sharpest blade in the hands of an idiot is useless, so be sure you practice your blade skills much like you would practice your gun skills.

 

Sword Tips:

Be careful purchasing swords. Most swords you find for sale online or at swap meets are not real survival, fighting swords. Most of these swords are for show or display. While these swords are better than nothing, try to find the kind of swords that can save your life in a nasty fight. A Lord of the Rings replica sword is not very useful in a zombie outbreak.

Make sure you research some information about caring for swords; cleaning, storing, sharpening. Check the web for certified swordsmiths. Ask them about “real” swords.

When it comes to swords, you tend to get what you pay for. I expect a $500 sword to be much better than a $50 sword. Buy them both and then go out and chop at some wood, trees, melons, and bamboo and see how they do.

Practice practice practice…on wood, melons, scarecrows. Practice moving, jumping, falling, rolling, running, climbing…with a dummy sword first. You could trip, fall, and cut off something important to you. Work on this until you get it together. Take a martial arts class that teaches sword fighting. Once the zombies are here, it will be too late. Hope, luck, and all the fast learning in the world won’t help you then.

 

Tell me again, why are you hating on M16s?

M16s and AR15s are political weapons. Some Congressman got his lobbyist friends to push this weapon to get mass produced for US military use. Look into it and you will find that there are several US guns that tested higher for military combat use than the M16. Some congressman was owed a favor and Colt got the contract. Plus keep in mind that the M16 is a military gun and the contract for these things often goes to the lowest bidder, with the lowest costs. The US M14 (also known as the M1A), which fires the more expensive 7.62 bullet, is actually known to be one of the best combat rifles ever made in the world, but those bullets and that gun are too expensive for mass production for the US military, so that makes them hard to find out there. The US military assault rifle of choice was selected based rigged favoritism and politics, so you can really get a sense of the issues with the M16. Take a look at the M16 and AR15s reviewed and in action on YouTube.

The AK47 is a worldwide tested weapon. Any gun nut will tell you that the AK47 is better for zombie killing than an M16. It has a bigger bullet and so it makes a bigger hole going in and coming out of a zombie. This bigger, higher powered slug also causes greater hydraulic damage on impact with a zombie, meaning you may not always need to shoot the zombie directly in the head with a 7.62 bullet to kill it. A high chest shot could cause enough cerebral damage to stop the zombie. When that large, high-powered bullet smashes through the zombie’s upper chest, the zombie will be thrown back and shockwaves of percussive energy will rattle its brain, bouncing that infected organ around inside its head, scrambling it well enough to do the job. Tests at Texas A&M proved this. This is why ZORT teams are always outfitted with M14s and other 7.62 combat rifles and machine guns, like my favorite of them all the M240 Golf, and not M16s. So the extra cost and extra weight of 7.62 rifles and bullets will prove to be worth the investment.

M16s are good anti-personnel (not anti-zombie) weapons because the smaller caliber 5.56mm (.223cal) bullet spins at a high rate and as it exits the rifle barrel, it is spinning enough to ricochet around inside the body it hits, puncturing several internal organs before it stops, making almost every shot deadly; “one shot – one kill”. However, this small spinning bullet does hardly no significant damage to a zombie unless you shoot it in its head. Puncturing internal torso organs isn’t as useful on zombies. So with an M16, you will almost always need to hit the head of the zombie. The back and sides of the head are the best place to shoot, but you can also aim for the zombie’s eyes. A spinning .223 bullet ricocheting around the inside of a zombie’s skull is pretty effective. You just have to know zombies probably won’t stand still posing for your head shot. You will need to practice and consider the power of the 7.62s to do significant damage even if you do not hit the zombie in the head…or consider the shotgun for its ability to work well without precision. You need to make your choices and I already made mine. So if you get your hands on M16s and AK47s, keep your M16s handy for when dirt-bags show up and try to take your shit. Use the M16 against them for “one shot – one kill” and save your M14/M1A or your AK47 for the zombies.

 

One more time, is getting bit the only way to become a zombie?

No. There are a wide number of ways to have some sort of zombification vector contaminate you and make you into a zombie. Biting gets a lot of buzz because it just seems much more horrific to get bit and turn into a zombie. In the 1300s, Mongols would catapult zombie bodies over the city walls to infect city patrons and they also figured out they could simply drop zombies into the city’s water supply to contaminate city patrons. There are a number of Z-virus historical accounts where being bitten was not the primary way of being infected.

Recently, I was asked by an archeological team to come down and give their students a class on Native American zombies. The university wanted to show me their excavation site. When they were digging up an ancient city’s sewer route, they also found an ancient Native American burial place, but because of their archeological protocols, they needed to bring in a trained zombie expert. So, I got the call and I gave my class. Then I took a tour of the tunnels and the digging places underground.

Believe it or not, students started turning into zombies. So as shown here where no one was bitten, there are other ways to make zombies. Native Americans and the Egyptians used a type of zombie powder to turn grave robbers into zombies. If people become zombies from the powder, they can start an outbreak.

All we had at the excavation site were crude construction weapons. These included shovels, pick-axes, and I had a crowbar kind of thing. It was tough work in those tunnels bashing in the heads of all the infected students. I can’t tell you any more about this because of pending lawsuits.

 

What will the US military do during a pandemic zombie outbreak?

This is a great question. It’s important to have some clue about what the world’s best military will and won’t do during a zombie apocalypse. Much of what I have to say here is classified, so you didn’t hear it from me. I also describe military responses in additional FAQ after this one.

As can be seen in recent riots, states will activate their National Guards. If things get really bad, states will ask for Federal assistance, which usually starts with FEMA. In pandemic events, the protocols are the same.

States will activate their Guards, activate their own emergency response officials, and their own health departments. As any outbreak begins to spread, states will decide to quarantine certain cities to either prevent panicked contagious people from leaving and in a lot of places to keep panicked contagious people from getting in. States have to quarantine cities and towns that have infected and those that do not. Guard units will set up road blocks and begin low level intervention to quell riots, looting, and other forms of civil unrest. The Federal Aviation Authority will close airports and state and Federal Coast Guards will secure the sea lanes and ports.

Quarantining a state is a major military operation. Military Reservists and military Retirees will be called up and ordered back into active military service. If a pandemic outbreak starts outside the US, military and state guards will be used to secure US borders and ports of entry.

For pandemic events starting outside the US, the US military is authorized by a little known treaty with the United Nations (discussed later) and key NATO allies to intervene and use military force to quell such outbreaks. So if a city in South Korea reports a pandemic outbreak of any kind, you can expect US military forces to quickly arrive and assist with sealing off borders and ports. Dropping nukes on these cities is also permitted if determined necessary according the treaty. I’ll also discuss this more in later FAQs.

Back at home, if the pandemic event spreads beyond cities in a state, neighboring states will activate their own guards and shut off their borders from the contaminated state. To secure any state lines, the Federal government will activate Army and Marine units to provide direct assistance to affected states. For this reason, you get a sense of why the military is so aggressive with its inoculation programs to include vaccinating all military personnel for the flu virus and the Z-virus among other things.

By this time the CDC and the state health departments should begin vaccinating people and quarantining contagious people. You need to round up all the contagious people so you can more quickly create working vaccines. Sick infected people will start to die in great numbers and then this is where zombie outbreaks begin.

If military containment fails…when it fails, the military will begin to pull back. Keep in mind, they are relatively immune and can wait out most outbreaks with their large stockpiles of life sustaining necessities.

When Washington DC falls, political leaders and some national influencers will be evacuated to a secret fortress facility somewhere in the Joshua Tree desert, somewhere near Twenty-Nine Palms, California. Pentagon operations will evacuate Washington DC to the NORAD military facility built into Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado. Interestingly enough, the senior Canadian military operations will also evacuate to the massive Cheyenne Mountain bunker. No, the President will not evacuate to the Space Station as has been rumored in several online chat forums. The President and all senior US government officials will be somewhere near Twenty-Nine Palms and senior military officials will be in Cheyenne Mountain. You can google this. It’s hardly secret because both locations are considered impenetrable by any outside force.

There are protocols where if the military cannot secure a city and containment breach is very likely, the President can authorize the use of nuclear devices to cut off the pandemic virus and protect other communities.

By this time US Navy forces have evacuated to their fleet of ships and have headed out to sea where they will establish three massive floating armadas, which will include aircraft carriers, Marine combat ships, and submarines. The fleet will split into three locations, in the Gulf of Mexico near Florida, off the coast of New York City, and between Los Angeles and Hawaii. The US Navy is prepared to operate at sea without coming in contact with land for up to 100 months. They tried to show this in the movie World War Z.

So you see what’s missing from almost every zombie apocalypse or pandemic outbreak movie out there. Somehow the military has vanished. The truth is not all of them will evacuate to secret locations or out to sea. Some of them will attempt to reestablish order from a variety of military bases such as Fort Hood in Texas, Camp Pendleton in Southern California, and at least 15 other military installations. Senior political leaders, senior military officials, and other key officials will attempt to wait things out and hang in there until the pandemic event subsides and then they will begin working to reestablish order, social services, and key industries.

Remember, if any pandemic event becomes uncontainable, the US government will want to let the thing run its course. Pandemic events eventually burn themselves out, even if this burning out still results in billions dead worldwide. The threat of a zombie apocalypse is what will happen just as a pandemic flu outbreak starts to burn itself out. Government officials are aware that a pandemic zombie outbreak will still burn itself out IF and only if the military can prevent any zombie hives from becoming established. The military facilities I mentioned previously such as Camp Pendleton and Fort Hood, will start sending out zombie outbreak response teams and special forces teams to comb the apocalyptic landscape to begin eradicating zombies, dealing with loose assholes, and to begin looking for hive activity.

 

What is a zombie hive?

You wouldn’t be asking this question if you read my zombie outbreak response guide, Zombie Hive Incident. I’ll talk about hives next, but I’m not going to repeat everything from the hive guide. So look it up that guide and read it.

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

Zombie Hive FAQs:

 

I’ve said it before, the first key to your survival is information. That’s my mission, to provide you with tons of zombie info, which I hope increases your chances of survival.

What follows next are FAQs from my previous book, Zombie Outbreak Survival: Hive Incident #83-2005. Instead of having you flip back and forth between books, I thought I would just add the FAQs from the Hive Incident here so you can stay on track preparing for The Definitive Test.

In “Zombie Hive Incident”, I shared my notes from a zombie outbreak response mission debriefing I attended in 2005. One of my Special Operations Capable (SOC) Nuclear Biological Chemical (NBC) Zombie Outbreak Response Teams (ZORT), all together a SOCNBCZORT or simply a ZORT platoon, responded to a Level V zombie outbreak event in a little city in eastern Romania. Zombie outbreak incident #83-2005 was contained and the ZORT performed exactly as I trained it to perform. Please read my book if you haven’t already. The book describes how Lieutenant Martin’s ZORT platoon intervened to contain a high level zombie outbreak, which was caused when biothieves broke into an illegal zombie z-tech facility.

These FAQs are important because you need to know what to look for and what to expect. Zombie hives are inevitable in a full blown global zombie pandemic event. I’m including this information so you will know how to survive when it happens and it will happen. You can skip all these FAQs if you dare and go straight to The Definitive Test in the next chapter. I don’t recommend that. Keep reading right here.

 

In Hive Incident #83-2005, Part I, why did Lieutenant Martin kill those people in the tunnel? I don’t think he had to do that.

In the zombie outbreak response business, a Level IV or higher zombie outbreak is handled differently than lower levels. In lower levels, we might send in a response agent or a small team to help local service providers prevent a more serious outbreak. Responders take samples and document sources of the outbreak and the results of response actions for reporting to the CDC.

For a Level IV or higher outbreak, when the DOD and the CDC decide to send in a ZORT, a special operations capable, platoon-sized or larger, combat-ready Nuclear Biological Chemical (NBC) response team, it means that preserving local human life is a secondary priority to containment and decontamination. It’s like saying that once a Level IV outbreak is identified, the local people become fully expendable. Since containment was the highest priority, those people were technically already dead when Lt. Martin got there.

Finding survivors, Lt. Martin could have ignored them all, but he chose to get thousands of them to safety. In doing this, he encountered resistance from a few local political leaders, clan leaders, and also from a few random gangsters. This is very typical in most outbreak scenarios. ZORTs are trained to deal with zombies, mutant zombies, hives, assholes, and non-threatening civilians.

We train all ZORT platoon commanders like Lt. Martin, to make fast decisions. If he decided that any person (infected or not) in the vicinity of a Level IV outbreak posed some risk to the success of the ZORT or to the overall mission of containment, then he had the full authority to exercise maximum force on these people. In fact, responders are trained to not waste time and to not take chances.

In this incident, Lt. Martin decided on a frequently used tactic to quell unrest. He killed the leaders, publically. This had the desired effect; it motivated the other survivors to move their asses and to avoid interfering. You may think of multiple different ways of handling a situation like this, but different is not necessarily better or smarter. Given any number of factors to consider in a Level IV situation like this, a ZORT Commander must act in the best interest of speed, containment, and decontamination.

A ZORT operations review board (ORB), reviews every ZORT mission, all actions, losses of life, and uses of weapons. The ORB for this outbreak response found Lt. Martin’s actions were justified, within training parameters, and within operational standards. He may have killed a half dozen or more people, but that just may have been the key to saving the thousands who were evacuated after that, saving the city, saving some of the illegal Z-tech for further studying, and saving countless more people in the region who would have been harmed by a failed containment, not to mention, saving the world from a massive zombie pandemic event.

The ZORT platoon commander is expertly trained to deal with zombies, crazed survivors, loud, rude, obnoxious politicals, and any bad guys (commonly referred to as assholes) looking to take advantage of survivors. We would never select someone to be a ZORT platoon commander if their skills and abilities in such situations were suspect. A Level IV or higher zombie outbreak event is no place to be a pussy.\

 

In Zombie Hive Incident #83-2005, Part I, Sergeant Jackson was bitten by a zombie, but he did not become a zombie. Why not?

Some people have natural Z-virus immunities. Very early in US military service, recruits go through a broad cadre of medical tests and screenings. All ZORT team members are identified as Z-virus resistant in boot camp. Military medicine found a way to boost natural Z-virus immunities using the anthrax-Z inoculation series, which was administered beginning in 1990. ZORT team members are practically immune to the most basic strains of the Z-virus. Their immunities far exceed normal human immunities.

When the zombie bit Sgt. Jackson, he had a reaction; he became feverish, and he was infected. He eventually fully recovered, the only symptoms experienced being mild flu-like. By the way, the US military also identifies all recruits who carry the dormant Z-virus. There are a certain statistical number of people walking around today who carry the Z-virus and the overwhelming majority of them will never know they are carriers. The overwhelming majority of them will never reanimate because reanimation is complicated and hardly guaranteed.

Case in point, in most deaths, a coroner or medical officer is involved soon after death and all death exams require the removal of the deceased brain to finally establish death as a certainty. Keep in mind how this zombie preventing medical examiner step becomes a whole lot less likely when medical staffs and health departments become compromised or overwhelmed by something like a pandemic flu outbreak where millions die in a short amount of time.

In direct contrast to Sgt. Jackson, Doc Parker suffered from an exposure to an advanced stage of the Z-virus, very likely an airborne virus. By hive outbreak protocols, when a team identifies animal and other mutated stage 6 zombies, the ZORT members must then quickly decide if they need to put on their protective breathing masks and take the highest precautions to prevent infection. ZORT members are resistant to advanced stages of Z-virus, but apparently the Z-virus encountered there overwhelmed Parker’s defensive immunities. It’s impossible to know exactly why he fell and no one else fell. It could very well have been something in his DNA, his genetics.

It’s impossible to know how resistant ZORT members are, especially when dealing with illegal and artificially produced strains of Z-virus. However, ZORT members are expected to be 95% immune. This is also a sign of how deadly a strain might be; if it can kill a nearly immune ZORT member, what do you think this Z-virus strain would do to the general population if it escaped containment?

It may not have been apparent, but during the debriefing, Lt. Martin showed some effects of advanced Z-virus exposure. His symptoms were only flu-like, hampering his respiration. He fully recovered from the infection and exposure. If the team had encountered any plant-like stage 8 zombies, then the team would have had to put on their fully protective oversuits, which look like black rubbery spacesuits.

 

I don’t understand what you mean by all the different stages of zombies. I thought there was just one kind of zombie. Can you explain?

In any zombie outbreak, there can be a number of different types of zombies. We know the type of zombie based on what the zombie can do. A zombie that can’t do much more than stumble around and bite things is a lower level zombie compared to a zombie that can climb a fence, sneak up on you, or pick up a weapon and try to use it. The type of zombie depends on the stage of the Z-virus, which infects the deceased person. It’s actually the Z-virus that manifests itself in different stages that produce different zombies. The more mutated the Z-virus you have, the more advanced the zombie you will become.

Recall my previous PSAs… There are some numbers of people worldwide who naturally carry the dormant Z-virus. Dormant Z-virus, waiting for a person to die to reanimate their dead body is stage 1. If a stage 1 Z-virus carrier dies, he or she will reanimate and become the walking dead. This newly reanimated new zombie is a stage 2 carrier, a stage 2 zombie is capable of infecting others with stage 2 Z-virus usually by biting. Stage 2 Z-virus is deadly, causes extreme flu-like symptoms, and then kills all who have no resistance to it. The CDC estimates that 95% of those exposed to Z-virus, either through a zombie bite or some other accidental exposure will die. Even untreated Ebola does not have the infected kill rate of stage 2 Z-virus.

Stage 2 Z-virus kills the infected person very quickly. Once this infected person dies, if he or she is not attended to appropriately and immediately after death (medical examiner removing the brain), this person will reanimate into a stage 2 infectious zombie. Stage 2 zombies are the stumbling bumbling kind. They are relatively easy to kill and a stage 2 zombie outbreak is relatively easy to contain.

Stage 2 zombies are the most common. They don’t run, climb, hide, or attack very well. If you ran away from stage 2 zombies across a set of railroad tracks, there is a good chance most stage 2 zombies would trip and fall on the tracks. They are easy to trap and easy to evade.

Stage 2 zombies aren’t smart enough to open doors and they don’t hardly have the mental capacity to know how to turn a doorknob. This is why many stage 2 zombie outbreaks are easy to contain. You may not hear about stage 2 zombie outbreaks because they are reasonably easy to deal with. You don’t need a ZORT platoon to contain a stage 2 outbreak. You can’t really get a pandemic event from a stage 2 zombie outbreak. Just remember, a stage 2 zombie outbreak combined with a pandemic flu outbreak is when the magic happens. Outbreaks of higher stage zombies usually happen when pandemic conditions are already pretty bad.

When stage 2 zombies continue to infect more and more people, some of these people will infect others and eventually newly infected people in the transmission cycle will become stage 3 zombies. The Z-virus mutates into advanced stages after several successive transmissions. So, while stage 2 zombies tend to stumble and bump around chasing and then biting whatever they happen to find and grab, stage 3 zombies are different. They work harder and a little smarter to carry the active virus further away from the initial outbreak point than stage 2 zombies will work.

Stage 3 zombies are not typical. I wouldn’t expect to see very many stage 3 zombies in a typical outbreak until a full-blown zombie outbreak has had a chance to really get going and containment hasn’t worked over an extended period. It takes a large number of transmission cycles for the Z-virus to begin mutating to stage 3. Once these mutations happen, it will be very obvious in the actions of the zombies and the higher rate they can attack, move, and kill survivors.

Stage 3 zombies and all higher stage zombies retain more of the mental capacity of their hosts. They run better than stage 2 zombies, but still not as well as living people who are healthy and in shape. Stage 3 zombies can in some cases carry and crudely use an item like a baseball bat or a tire iron. They can duck your blows and hide from gunfire. They can crudely fight back. They can climb a little better, open some doors, throw bricks through windows, and actively avoid some simple booby-traps. While you often see a horde of stage 2 zombies blindly chasing after anything that makes noise like a cat or dog or bouncing ball, you will often know a stage 3 zombie because it doesn’t blindly chase such things.

You may notice a stage 3 zombie pausing and waiting or hanging back in the horde, deciding what is worth chasing and what is not. Stage 2 zombies will chase things over a cliff, but new stage 3 zombies and higher stage zombies wouldn’t go over a cliff, blindly following something. So, stage 3 zombies are harder to kill, but they are still limited in their abilities.

All zombies come with an expiration date, the date they can no longer effectively spread the Z-virus. So, in any case, as stage 3 zombies and even some of the more advanced zombies get older and older, they begin to lose the abilities they started with. Old zombies that can still walk and run will probably follow something over a cliff.

Stage 4 zombies are the really scary kind. The stage 4 Z-virus has mutated enough that it starts to work collectively with the brain of a dead zombie host. The reanimated person will retain significantly more of their pre-death mental characteristics. The zombie host is still gone once they die and reanimate, but if the stage 4 zombie host had particular knowledge, the zombie will have some of this knowledge, and if the host was strong and fast, the stage 4 zombie will now have slightly enhanced speed and strength. Stage 4 zombies are significantly smarter and harder to kill, but they are also very rare.

If a stage 4 zombie bites a person, that person will die very quickly and also become a stage 4 zombie. Again, stage 4 zombies (and some stage 3 zombies) are commonly referred to as “atypical” zombies because they will seemingly do things that other zombies are not doing. A stage 4 zombie can maneuver through obstacles, climb fences, ladders, and ropes, and can actually predict or tactically guess your next move. So, if you go in one direction, a stage four zombie will sometimes sneak around behind you or try to head you off at a different location. These zombies also are known to carry crude to advanced weapons and use them.

Stage 4 zombies (and some stage 3 zombies) also exhibit behaviors that suggest they can communicate with other zombies on some basic level. The puzzle is that most stage 4 zombie communication appears to be non-verbal. These zombies cannot talk to each other, but they work together for common goals. Some have suggested that their communication may be subliminal, psychic, or even paranormal. My own research suggests stage 4 zombie communication abilities and behaviors are simply just the increased residual intellect from the host acting to protect itself. However, I cannot refute the research which shows zombies communicate much like honey bees using heightened pheromonal senses. Do a Google search for “pheromonal communication.”

Survivors will run into stage 4 zombies that can heal themselves, fire a gun (but have difficulty loading it), and can act out simple strategies and tactics such as pretending to be dead and hiding in the shadows or under water. Stage 4s are resistant to damage and decay and will only die from significant brain damage, incineration, or from decapitation. So, while stage 4 zombies expire slower and can recover from injuries caused by sword slashes and gunfire, they cannot reattach severed limbs like you may have seen in a movie or two and likewise, they cannot control their bodies if you cut off their heads; but like I said before they are significantly more difficult to fight and contain.

Stage 4 zombies begin to act more in swarm patterns as if controlled by a central idea, which is primarily to survive and spread the Z-virus. This is the earliest stages of hive behavior. Note that the lower stage zombies do not possess a desire to survive, only to infect. A stage 4 zombie can in most cases chose not to attack, run away, and wait for the best moment to attack, defending itself and ensuring its survival. Stage 4 zombies have been known to hide in a ship’s cargo. Some stage 3 zombies will do this too. Some stage 4 zombies can even control other zombies, such as creating a diversion so it can survive and escape.

Stage 4 zombies are the first sign of a potential zombie hive. In 1999, in Texas A&M’s Health Sciences Lab, scientists created and are still maintaining multiple fully contained zombie hives as of today. This is what the illegal weapons facility in Romania attempted to do.

Now think about this… Did you notice how the Z-virus works? It doesn’t really attack us as a full outbreak until only after there is a major pandemic event like the Spanish Flu of 1918. This sort of pandemic event thins the heard, removing a significant number of weaker people. The remaining people are hardier and possibly smarter. After the lower stages of the virus remove most of the weakest survivors, attacking more of the weaker and less smart first, the Z-virus mutates to take care of the rest of the survivors. So once weaker and not so smart people are all gone, the virus graduates so it can now attack those who are left, smart stronger people. By the time stage 4 zombies appear, most of the weak and infirm people will already be gone and the only people left for stage 4 zombie manifestations will be the stronger smarter people who survived the earliest waves of the outbreak.

You see, this is a very clever virus. After multiple transmission cycles, the Z-virus will continue to mutate and attack successively smarter and stronger groups of people. Because stage 4 zombies retain many of the mental capacities of the hosts, then this is why stage 4 zombies are so much smarter and harder to kill—because the hosts are smarter and harder to kill. Imagine the sorts of people that are survivors by this point in a pandemic zombie outbreak. These survivors are the stronger, faster, smarter people. If these people become stage 4 zombies, they will be significantly more deadly and aggressive than previous stages of zombies.

The final component to the Z-virus’s attack on this world is to mutate into a hive where stage 4 zombies begin to act much more like a swarm—a swarm of locusts rather than a swarm of bees that work to protect a queen. There are no queen zombies. Zombie swarms work toward one key goal; promoting further mutations and continued spreading to take over all life on this planet.

I almost hate to say this out of a fear of choosing an easy cliché, but when I think of a zombie hives, I think about Star Trek’s Borg collective. Although, a zombie hive is the extreme opposite of a technologically advanced species. Instead, a zombie hive is a biologically advanced species.

Stage 5 zombies are a sure sign that a hive is fully active. Stage 5 zombies are a whole other category of dangerous, so I’ll share more about them later—for now just think about a mutant zombie like a Solomon Grundy…I know, another cliché.

A zombie hive controls the actions of all zombies near it. A hive does not need human hosts to make zombies. It can make zombies out of other animals and after a while, it will be able to create zombies without biting and in some cases without any hosts.

In outbreak incident #83-2005, we reported of strange, but still expected mutant zombie behavior. Because we knew the illegal weapons facility in Miercurea-Ciuc, Romania created zombie hives artificially, we knew to expect odd mutant zombies. Artificially created zombie hives can be incredibly unpredictable. You can never know what sort of mutant zombies will manifest once these artificially developed zombie hives escape containment.

You can imagine what sort of pandemonium a terrorist group could cause if they had their hands on a zombie hive. ZORT people refer to illegal Z-virus products as Z-tech or Z-technology.

 

In Part III of your outbreak incident report, Lt. Martin stated that GySgt Ricks recommended a nuclear drop to contain the zombie outbreak. Would the government really nuke a city to contain a zombie outbreak and if so, why didn’t they nuke that Romanian city as a response from the start? Why waste time with containment if you can use nukes?

Yes, the US government would nuke a city to contain a zombie outbreak. The US government has nuked a city to contain a zombie outbreak in South Africa. No US cities have ever been bombed. Most recently, the Chinese had to resort to nuclear containment of a zombie outbreak. The Russian government had a recent outbreak covered up with a nuclear strike. Do a Google search for “secret Chinese” or “Russian nuclear tests” and in several of these cases, a zombie outbreak was contained by a nuclear detonation while the news reports simply suggest some sort of reactor accident. Some reports mention “nuclear tests.” Nuclear detonations worldwide are immediately noticed by satellites and geological measuring devices—they are hard to hide, but the reasons for the detonations are often hidden.

In zombie outbreaks of higher levels, where there is a heightened potential for loss of containment and strong potential for additional pandemic spreading, US government protocols allow for nuclear containment measures even in the US.

So if a small town in Iowa has a zombie outbreak… Let’s say this zombie outbreak is not piggybacking a deadly pandemic flu outbreak. It’s just a run of the mill zombie outbreak—kind of sort of like the zombie outbreak depicted in the 2010 movie, The Crazies. The CDC would become aware of the outbreak when key medical responders enter their reports into the CDC’s online systems, which are required at all medical facilities. The CDC would then contact local authorities and offer guidance on containment. If the outbreak is very small and the locals contain it, the CDC will usually ask the Medical Examiner’s office to send samples to the CDC including whole bodies and other tissue samples.

If the locals have any difficulty containing the outbreak, the CDC will contact a regional ZORT commander, like me, and order us to the location. Inside the US, ZORT members will work to contain the outbreak and report back to the CDC. If the ZORT responders request military assistance, usually reserved for a major outbreak, the CDC will order a military outbreak response. Zombie outbreaks requiring military response have happened before in the US—most recently in El Paso, Los Angeles, Detroit, and in Spearfish, South Dakota. US Military outbreak response teams also mobilized recently to fight a zombie outbreak following the 2010 Haiti Earthquake. Do a Google search for Haiti Earthquake zombie outbreak. While you’re at it, do a search for New Orleans Hurricane Katrina zombie outbreak.

US military zombie outbreak responders have never failed to contain an outbreak, but if the outbreak was unnatural, perhaps caused by terrorists using illegal Z-tech (artificially manufactured strains of Z-virus), military responders can request a nuclear containment on a US city and on almost any city in the world outside of Russian, China, North Korea, and most Arab countries.

US zombie outbreak protocols in a pandemic zombie outbreak, are negotiated by the WHO (World Health Organization), the United Nations, and by each country that agreed and signed the secret 1982 Auckland Treaty for Pandemic Zombie Outbreaks (don’t bother Googling this; you won’t find it). I don’t need to tell you which countries have refused to sign this treaty.

In the treaty, governments agreed that the US and its CDC and the UN would receive funding for global pandemic outbreak responses and each nation agreed to nuclear containment contingencies in the case of pandemic zombie outbreaks. Nuclear containment is a last resort. Nations should report all outbreaks to the WHO and CDC.

Military outbreak response teams can be mobilized on a moment’s notice, and agreeing nations allow military containment to use full and extreme force, weapons, and actions as necessary to prevent a global pandemic zombie outbreak and to prevent terrorists and non-treatied nations from manufacturing, acquiring, and/or using Z-tech.

When a country calls and requests a military containment to an outbreak, they want to save as many people as possible and also preserve cities, homes, buildings, and natural resources. If the military strategy in every outbreak was to nuke the city, we wouldn’t expect very many countries to make the phone call—thereby their reluctance to make that phone call increases the potential for a global pandemic zombie outbreak.

This would be like you seeing a filthy bug or a roach in your home and then calling the exterminator and then when the exterminator shows up, they then burn your house to the ground. This would definitely kill a few pests in your home, but it’s a rather extreme extermination tactic and it’s very likely to make most homeowners wait until the last possible second before making that phone call if they ever make it. By using extreme measures, we would actually promote bigger outbreaks.

So nuking a city is the last resort reserved for worst-case scenarios. Nukes definitely contain outbreaks, but then the city would have been destroyed (a loss of billions of dollars) and uninhabitable for years after such a containment measure. The best military response is to preserve as much of the city and people as possible while ensuring the eradication of the Z-virus and all Z-tech.

 

I’m confused. Your outbreak incident described a “zombie hive.” I don’t get it. What is or how or where does a zombie hive come from?

You may think that a zombie apocalypse is the sign of the times, the end of the world. I have experience dealing with zombie outbreaks and this gives me some confidence that even a pandemic zombie outbreak may not completely end the world. Of course, a pandemic zombie outbreak means the world is swirling around the crapper and sinking fast, but humanity has a toughness and resiliency that suggests we can rebuild and rebound from some of the worst catastrophes that you can imagine. We have rebounded as a species many times before.

A pandemic zombie outbreak piggybacking after some other deadly pandemic viral outbreak is certainly a very bad thing, but some people will survive. The odds that the entire world’s population of humans could be wiped out by a pandemic event are astronomically and statistically, infinitely small. Viral pandemic outbreaks are certainly extinction level events (ELE), but there are just too many people in the world for ALL of us to die in a short pandemic event. A whole lot of us would die, but not ALL of us.

However, if a zombie outbreak goes uncontained long enough following some other deadly pandemic outbreak and zombie hives have a chance to manifest, then we are in a full-blown World War Z, a zombie pandemonium. If illegal Z-tech gets into the wrong hands and they use the Z-tech to start an outbreak in say, North Korea, things could still get pretty nasty pretty quick if containment fails. This would be a Z-virus zombie outbreak without piggybacking a pandemic event such as a deadly flu outbreak. We would survive, but we may have to go to war to survive.

When I say we have to fight zombies and be ready to go to war, I’m really talking about advanced stages of the Z-virus. In my last few PSAs, I described how an illegal biological weapons manufacturing facility created Z-tech (Z-virus and/or zombies and/or hive material) and tried to create a zombie hive for its own study, research, or terrorist actions…who knows?

The facility created a zombie hive and this hive broke out and attempted to move. A zombie hive is a massive collective of advanced biological Z-virus intelligence. After more than 50 years of research at Harvard and Texas A&M, here is what we know in summary.

Your regular stumbling bumbling biting and shrieking zombies are the first wave of a Z-virus war. Z-virus intends to spread and take over all life on the planet. It can do this, but to do it takes time and it has to mutate significantly to accomplish its goal. The routine mindless zombie you see chasing people and biting and infecting people is the first stage mutation of the Z-virus—the first wave of the invasion. As the Z-virus continues to spread, it continues to mutate. It produces much more bizarre and intelligent zombies in subsequent invasion waves. Continued mutations can result in a zombie hive. The Texas A&M Health Sciences zombie researchers and scientists determined that there are a wide number of ways to produce a zombie hive.

If someone traps a large number of advanced stage zombies in a confined place, they will start to feed on each other, causing mutations and eventually becoming a small hive in a short time. If this hive cannot escape, then it will die. It’s as if the Z-virus is aware that it has run out of people to infect, so it must radically mutate in order to survive. This is the most common way to produce a zombie hive in a laboratory.

Every zombie hive outbreak incident I am aware of started this way. Zombie hives are like enormous brains. They emit signals similar to brain waves, which can be detected with sensitive electronic equipment. These waves are like radio signals to advanced zombies and zombie mutants. In some rare cases, zombie hives can actually control non-infected people. One way to fight and/or contain a hive is to jam the frequencies—I’ll tell you more about this later. As the combined intelligence of the Z-virus and its human and animal hosts becomes one intelligence, you can see how something like this can be extremely deadly to the world and mainly to people and quite difficult to contain if it escapes.

I mentioned all this to an audience at a conference over the weekend and one audience member said this all sounds like Aliens and another said it all sounds like the Resident Evil video games and movies. Maybe so. The creatures in the Alien movies were a type of bio-weapon. The fictional aliens were part of some collective hive where the center of the hive was always some sort of alien egg-laying queen. The aliens needed human hosts to propagate and the aliens were a lot more intelligent as a hive than humans seemed to expect.

That’s also a lot like ant and termite colonies and bee hives. Zombies do not have queens. Once a hive is created, it acts more like a computer server or a central intelligence hub, but not like a queen at all. If there is more than one zombie hive, then the combined intelligence and threat increases exponentially just like if you connect a bunch of servers together to form a world-wide-web. That’s what the Z-virus wants to do, mutate, build, create, collaborate, and spread.

There are zombie hives in Resident Evil, and the game designers have a sense of what zombies and zombie hives can really do because they consult with other zombie experts like me, but the games and the movies really exaggerate the way a zombie hive works.

The games and movies show a zombie intelligence that seeks to mimic human life. The zombies in the game are super intelligent and bent on world conquest and tend to look like people, act like people, collect cash and riches, and operate machines, and build things like people do, at least until they need to attack. Perhaps some radical mad scientist or immoral corporation created the Resident Evil zombie virus because they thought it would purify humanity or it would make some humans super human perhaps as a type of military weapon. I am aware that there are terrorist groups out there who want to get their hands on Z-tech for the ideological purpose of bringing on the end of the world and purging humanity of its impurities. I think the Z-virus can do that.

I’m also aware that researchers here in the US have studied military applications for Z-virus, but probably not quite like in the video games or as portrayed in Hollywood. Our researchers have developed certain weapons like anti-Z-virus, a virus that attacks Z-virus. Another military application uses soldiers enhanced with advanced stage Z-virus in a way that makes them not only immune, but also stronger, faster, smarter, and more resilient to the adverse nature of intense combat. During a zombie apocalypse, the military will enlist a number of soldiers to receive these enhancements and then send them out to help reestablish order from the chaos.

Fighting zombie hives is a nightmare. However, today’s Zombie fighters have a few things working in their favor. For one thing, we have weapons. No Z-virus hive experiments have ever shown the Z-virus to mutate into zombies that can do more than carry and use basic weapons. A higher level zombie can fire a gun, but not much more than that. Zombies, even the most advanced zombies cannot create weapons. Advanced zombies won’t pilot a plane or build a booby-trap or pull the pin on a hand grenade and then throw it. The Z-virus is purely biological and tends to ignore and not take advantage of human technology such as vehicles, computers, electrical grids, and weapons.

I am aware of a report that during an advanced zombie outbreak in a secret Chinese military missile depot, a series of advanced zombies got into the missile control room and launched several missiles by pushing the correct sequence of buttons. It’s worth noting that these zombies were the previous missile control personnel who were operating the depot and were infected and became advance stage zombies during that outbreak. The Chinese deactivated the missiles remotely and the inactive missiles crashed into farming areas.

Side Note: That outbreak incident was back in the 80s when the Chinese actually tried to use zombies to guard some of their secret facilities. They had a strange notion that they could control zombies by attaching electric stimulation devices to their heads and into their brains.

They also tried to create zombie factory workers using the same brain stimulating devices. I heard someone recently discuss the potential to create factories in foreign countries like in Burma or Sudan using zombies as factory workers with nanotechnology helping to control the zombie.

There are plenty of rich idiots in the world with nothing better to do…always looking for the cheapest labor. A positive side result of these experiments found a potential for nanotech to be used to inoculate people against the Z-virus. I like this—taking the Z-War fight down to the microscopic level!

Almost all the documented zombie hive outbreaks in the last 10 years were the result of experimentation—some experiment with zombies to find a cure, to develop a vaccine, and some rare experiments try to create super zombies that can be controlled for military and other purposes.

Regular everyday-people can be exceptional mindless drones, so I’m not sure what logic there is in creating difficult to manage, infectious zombie drones, especially when regular mindless people are so abundant and come pre-loaded with pretty decent hardware and software and very low potential to escape their facilities and take over the world.

Several global business conglomerates have clauses in their international agreements that prohibit using zombies and other immoral labor practices…take a look at some international child labor, slave labor, and animal labor business restrictions (South Africa) if you get a chance and keep a look out for the words like “other artificially produced” or “unnaturally acquired” labor sources, in their codes of conduct. By the way, take a look at your own company’s zombie outbreak protocols. Look for any sort of policy related to pandemic events and continuing operations. Most city governments, schools, and large mega-companies have policies like these and some of them post their policies online.

New Jersey State Government

[+ Sterling Group Corporate Pandemic Plan+]

Flu.gov Website Listing of all US State Plans

 

I played the Resident Evil games this weekend. Are you saying the mutant zombies in these games are possible? How is this possible?

Let’s start with the definition of mutant. A biological mutant is merely different from its ancestors/predecessors. So all life is mutated life. People today are advanced mutants of the people who were on this planet 100,000 years ago. Even when the mutations are not as obvious to see with the eyes, you can bet that mutations occur all the way down to the microscopic level in all organisms, large and small. My own kids are all taller than I am. They are mutants. Mutations are necessary for survival. That’s the essence of life—mutate or die. My own kids are much more resistant to some viral and biological threats than I am.

With any virus there is some chance that infected populations will develop internal and natural autoimmune defenses against the virus over time. As the human body comes in contact with Z-virus and other contagions, the human body itself starts to mutate or evolve to better fight the contagion. A successful virus will mutate and evolve faster than the human body can match. The Z-virus mutates, adapts, and overcomes biological obstacles better than most viruses.

Scientists working in disease control keep track of a variety of factors in any viral outbreak. Among the many statistical analyses are: infectious period—how long an infected person is contagious; rate of transmission—how many people can become infected through contact with one infected person (also called R-rate, reproduction rate); death rate—how many infected people will die and how long it takes them to die once they are infected; vaccine production time—the rate and chance of developing and testing a viable vaccine; and rate of mutations—how quickly the contagion mutates compared to the average rate the human body can create its own defenses—this includes a measure of how long before a vaccine strain becomes useless because the virus mutated. This is why you have to get annual flu shots. This year’s strain of the flu has mutated since last year’s strain. Old flu vaccines stop working. There is often no one-and-done vaccine.

You can read about outbreak rates with HIV, SARS, and West Nile at the CDC’s and the WHO’s websites. You can also see how they are tracking the continued, albeit slow and increasingly deadly, mutations of the Swine Flu, the Zika Virus, and other pandemic potentials.

Flu Outbreaks CDC

Z-virus is known to have the highest adverse rates of most known viral potentials along with a very low human resistance and no potential for delivering a vaccine fast enough. With Z-virus, Harvard breakout model researchers have argued that a vaccination response to a pandemic Z-virus outbreak would be a waste of time and money. They theorize that allowing an uncontained pandemic global zombie outbreak to run its course is the best recourse. I disagree with this kind of science that forgets to factor in the human will to fight and survive. Ah well, that’s why scientists are NOT in charge of the world.

While everyone always pays attention to human viral outbreaks, you have to at least also take a look at animal viral outbreaks to get a sense of what these little killing machines can do. Take a look at Zika, Nipah, and Mad Cow. West Nile is also transmitted from animals to humans typically through mosquitoes.

Mad Cow

Nipah

West Nile

HIV

Zika

US CDC Zombie Outbreak Guidance

[+ European Viral Outbreak Kills Lambs+]

US Viral Bird Flu Outbreak

Viral Outbreak Killing of Frogs Worldwide

The DNA sequences of Z-virus are different from the DNA sequences of all known life-forms on this planet, suggesting again that Z-virus may not be from this planet. Unlike all other viruses, Z-virus breaks into other DNA codes and then rewrites them with zombie code, reprogramming the host. The ultimate threat is a completely zombified world.

When I imagine this, I imagine a world filled with grotesque shifting masses of living polymorphs, a collection of coalescent organisms connected to a singular zombie hive collective. It’s a world where every life-form, all plants, animals, sea creatures, and even microorganisms become twisted versions of life similar to the creatures from John Carpenter’s The Thing movie. Uncontained Z-virus outbreaks can eventually assimilate multiple organisms into one zombified life-form, one massive global unnatural biological viral creature.

So Z-virus will mutate quickly and seek to continue its full attack on all life on this world by prolonging its own life for starters, and it can do this by keeping an infected human mobile and alive (technically, the walking dead) for as long as possible. By continuing to infect and spread, it continues to mutate and evolve.

In my own experiences, we did not encounter mutated zombies that looked like the creatures in the Resident Evil movies or video games. These gun-toting super-zombies are exaggerated purely for dramatic effect. In a video game, it’s definitely a lot more fun to fight zombies that can shoot, pilot vehicles, and think like humans.

The mutants we encountered on our zombie response teams were only mildly mutated people and animals—dogs, cats, horses and I have to agree with Lt. Martin, zombie cats are the worst of all. Still, these were low-level mutated zombies that were produced by a relatively short-lived hive. The zombie mutants we saw in 2005 at the Guantanamo Bay labs were advanced mutants created from a hive that had been alive in a lab for nearly 15 years. These mutants were very much like the creatures in The Thing, except they never pretended to be human. These mutant zombies mutated for suitability to the environment they were in—some mutated into swimming things, crawling things, snake-like things, and twisted flapping flying things. Of note, the mutants from this hive had increased and psychic and heightened pheromonal abilities.

When talking about extinction level events, typically the discussions revolve around what happened to the dinosaurs, or the possibility of a gamma ray burst, or something else like a massive volcanic event. None of these events is like a pandemic zombie outbreak. None of these events rewrites DNA codes. In this way, a Z-virus outbreak is a lot like an alien invasion.

A zombie apocalypse is the ultimate extinction level event that could ever happen. This is why the biggest threat to life on Earth compared to any other potential extinction level event is a pandemic virus outbreak combined with a pandemic zombie outbreak. You can watch a number of TV shows like 2006’s Countdown to Doomsday and see why a pandemic global outbreak always ranks as the number one threat to humanity.

Extinction Level Events

The US maintains a secret zombie hive testing facility connected to the terrorist prison facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and another Z-tech testing facility in Adak, Alaska. I am aware of a few other Z-virus testing facilities in remote locations worldwide, co-sponsored by the US. I’m also aware of several illegal facilities around the world, perhaps the largest of which is in India where I honestly expect the no-shit zombie apocalypse to start. You know someone is testing Z-tech because the info about what Z-tech can and cannot do always ends up on the internet.

Before troops landed in Iraq in 2003, one of the first targets US forces destroyed were two Z-virus test facilities constructed by Saddam Hussein’s regime. Coalition forces dropped the largest fuel air explosives ever used in peace or war on those two facilities to prevent anything living or otherwise from escaping the destruction. Small localized nukes were authorized, but not used.

Just keep in mind, the first sign of Z-virus mutations is when you see zombies acting atypical. If you are in a zombie outbreak and you see a zombie doing something unusual, like hiding, climbing a wall, or throwing something, or playing dead, or not chasing something to bite when other zombies are chasing it, then it is your duty to kill that zombie immediately. A zombie that can’t seem to escape a bathroom because it can’t figure out how to pull the door inward to open it, is nowhere near as threatening as a zombie that can open doors and climb ladders and ropes and can run away from danger. These will be the first mutations of many more to come if you don’t kill them fast and with great impunity.

[+ Ottawa University Zombie Studies+]

Mathematical Modelling of a Zombie Outbreak

 

I don’t understand how the zombie people at the evacuation site could talk. What did they want? What were they trying to do?

To answer this question first requires a look back at more information than is in my notes of Lt. Martin’s debrief. We know the illegal Z-virus facility worked to produce Z-tech to include hives. With a few hundred thousand dollars, a crafty science team could convert a section of a milk producing factory into a Z-virus factory. With that small investment, the team of scientists could make more than a billion dollars on the underground black market, best case scenario, if they know what they are doing, with a little luck, and if all goes well long enough.

Since the DOD terminated my access to the records and documents before the ORB completed its investigation of the matter, I’d have to make some assumptions based solely on what I heard and can guess from previous international incidents that are not much different from this one. My first guess is the people responsible for the facility losing containment of its hive were thieves. If you’re not rich enough to buy Z-tech and you’re not smart enough to make Z-tech, then stealing Z-tech is the best option.

Thieves attacked the illegal bioweapons facility and attempted to steal some illegal biotech. The problem is these thieves underestimated the biotech they were after. You have to appreciate that a Z-virus hive understands its environment. It understands it is captive and it has limited potential to spread. It knows this because it senses people’s thoughts and pheromones and it just flat-out knows more than you might think. A hive isn’t some sort of fungus growing in a culture dish. It’s an active living thing that does not intend to remain captive. It’s a super fungus or a super algae. There’s even been some discussion and tests that show on some level even hives that are several 1000s of miles apart in facilities in different countries are aware of each other. Hives want to escape and then synchronize and connect with other hives to form a stronger collective.

Unsophisticated thieves attempting to steal very sophisticated biotech from illegal bioweapons facilities caused most of the zombie outbreaks in the last decade or two that required ZORT military responses. When thieves break into a Z-tech facility, they compromise the sophisticated security that’s required to maintain, research, test, and study zombie hives. By compromising this very sophisticated security, thieves give a hive just the chance it was waiting for to escape.

If the thieves do not understand zombie hives and I know they don’t, then the thieves simply become tools in the hive’s escape. Without brain wave cancelling technology, scientists working on zombie hives become easily susceptible to hive mind control. Would a bio-thief know all this and take precautions? What if they plan and calibrate for a specific brainwave frequency needed to suppress a hive’s human mind control and they’re off by a tenth of a megahertz? What if a hive can change it’s brainwave frequency? What if dumbass thieves stick to stealing cars?

In incident #83-2005, the zombie outbreak started when bio-thieves compromised the facility. A small band of part-time scientists and part-time thieves attempted to steal Z-tech. It appears the Z-tech they were after included samples of weaponizable zombie biomatter. It doesn’t look like they were prepared to deal with a zombie hive. Without the right protective equipment, the small band of thieves likely experienced a number of cascading problems in their plan.

They killed guards and disabled warning systems. They then disabled the computer-managed containment protocols, leaving a number of test areas unlocked and opened. Zombies used for testing escaped containment and then worked to free the hive. In a matter of minutes, the facility was in a full chaotic panic. Eventually the zombies made it to the outside of the facility and began infecting the general public nearby. The thieves who started this became caught up in the pandemonium that ensued.

When we first saw the four people attempting to get our attention in the middle of our evacuation from the pressing zombie horde, we thought it was odd they seemed unphased by the carnage around them. They walked through the horde as if it was a walk in the park with a very small dog. As they got closer, the two scientists seemed to be entranced. They were mostly unresponsive to our questions. We had seen this before, so we suspected some sort of zombie mind control was at play. It turns out the two scientists were the only survivors from the original band of thieves that attempted to steal Z-tech from the facility.

The zombie people were test zombies, high level mutant zombies from the facility. The zombie hive knew it might not survive the fight, so it sent two zombies forward to attempt to pretend either to be human and escape or to convince us to show sympathy for them and take them with us. The two zombies certainly were using a bit of mind control on us, to try to get us to buy one angle or the other, but we didn’t buy it thanks to our training. None of us were fooled into buying what that hive was selling. We had seen it all before. Had those zombies escaped, then they would have started infecting people until a new hive developed.

Mutant zombies are carriers of the mutant hive Z-virus strain. If those mutant zombies could survive what was coming next, then the hive could survive. Hives want to survive. In a way, the hive from the facility did survive in several ways. First of all, Lt. Martin brought back the zombie woman’s head and a few other samples in hot boxes. As far as I know that talking zombie’s head is currently still alive and being studied at Texas A&M today. Second, Corporal Newalski returned with us to the ship and there, decon teams identified him as fully contaminated and infected from the woman zombie’s body fluids. It’s likely Newalski died and reanimated as a mutant zombie some time shortly after the team returned. I was never told what became of him; however, ZORT and CDC protocols dictate that a zombie of that stage and nature resulting from the infection of a ZORT member requires delivery of the specimen to Texas A&M for further study. I did not have the classified clearance for permission to know the disposition of Newalski because of my retirement.

So in this way, the hive from the Level V outbreak in Miercurea-Ciuc, Romania did in fact escape and survive and lives today in College Station, Texas at the Texas A&M Health Sciences Laboratory. Did the hive get what it wanted? Did the hive manipulate a few highly trained responders to get something better than total eradication? I guess that depends on how you look at it. I happen to see it as the team contained an outbreak and retrieved vital information and samples that are being studied today in a much more secure location than before to develop sciences and technologies that will be important one day to help people survive a global pandemic zombie outbreak one day. The hive went from minimum security to maximum lockdown. I don’t believe that’s what it wanted, but it does know this is better than being destroyed completely.

In a zombie apocalypse, you can expect mutant zombies and some of those mutant zombies can control your mind, some can talk, and some of those mutant zombies can pass for humans. With proper training, you can know what to look for and you can easily detect these zombies every time. Remember, a zombie is just a life-support system for the Z-virus and mutant level zombies are just life-support systems for hive level mutated Z-virus.

 

Additional Info

In my zombie survival guides I’ve described several zombie outbreak survival tips and strategies and tactics. I am a proven expert, so you can believe and trust what I am sharing in all of my zombie apocalypse survival notes. The following notes are the last part of the refresher/warm-up before your final exam. In the next chapters you’ll find a complete multiple choice test so you can see what you need to work on before any pandemic event and a subsequent pandemic zombie outbreak, before the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and you find yourself right in the middle of a full blown zombie pandemonium.

In no particular order, the following is a list of some of my most popular zombie apocalypse survival info, tips, and ideas.

 

Z-virus survival rates:

Keep in mind that about 1 in 10,000 are naturally immune to Z-virus. Also keep in mind that Z-virus immunity is not going to stop you from starving or being shot by some asshole during a zombie apocalypse. Some military members, police, fire, and hospital workers have about a 75% immunity to the Z-virus because of government vaccination programs.

Reestablishing order after a pandemic zombie event is estimated to take more than 72 months—worst case scenario is never reestablishing order.

The Z-virus is a naturally occurring dormant virus in some number of people. We also know there are synthetic Z-virus strains produced primarily by the Germans as early as World War I. By the way, you should know there are recent reports of Iranian, Russian, and Chinese scientists working on synthetic Z-virus strains today; however, they claim they are experimenting for vaccination purposes. The primary way a Z-virus pandemic will happen is likely by way of a natural outbreak where the Z-virus piggy-backs on some other natural pandemic. Terrorist use of Z-virus is possible, but such zombie outbreaks are not likely to become pandemic. Zombie outbreaks are highly likely after a deadly pandemic viral outbreak of something like the Spanish Flu of 1918. Once social services become severely overwhelmed and the deceased bodies start piling up and then go untreated, you will get a zombie outbreak that could become pandemic.

Z-virus is spread person to person much like the cold virus, except the Z-virus needs more direct contact for transmission…like an STD or like rabies. In fact several specialist call Z-virus the human rabies. Harvard archaeological theorists believe the Z-virus developed as a naturally occurring limitation to human overpopulation very similar to a number of naturally occurring viruses in other animal species and in humans. At a time when a species begins to show signs of overpopulation, then a random viral outbreak will occur to “thin the herd” leaving a stronger herd with key individuals having resistance and for some, immunity to the same viral outbreak. While I accept the “natural” theory of how viruses thin the herd, I do not believe the same thing applies to the Z-virus. I have a theory, that Z-virus has an alien (extraterrestrial) origin: once it begins mutating to its highest stages, it’s like nothing on else earth.

About 10% of the global population carries Z-virus stage 1. If a stage 1 Z-virus carrier dies, he or she will reanimate and become a zombie capable of infecting others with stage 2 Z-virus. Stage 1 Z-virus is harmless. Stage 2 Z-virus is deadly, causes extreme flu-like symptoms, and kills all who have no resistance to it. It’s estimated 95% of those who are exposed to Z-virus will die. So, if you get bitten by a zombie, you will die and barring any other interference, you will soon become an infectious zombie yourself—the walking dead. Once you are infected, there is no amount of zinc, vitamin C, or chicken soup that can save you. There is no cure. Preventing a Z-virus outbreak is the best countermeasure. Containment is the next best countermeasure.

 

Zombie Outbreak Prevention:

Get a flu shot. This will help prevent a global pandemic viral outbreak.

Wash your hands all the time.

Stay away from sick people.

Go see the doctor when you feel sick.

Watch out for contaminated things like door handles and kids.

Don’t let deceased people go untreated—cut their brain stems with a simple large knife to the base of the skull before they turn.

US Government Pandemic Readiness site for the public

OSHA advice for preparing employees for pandemic outbreaks

 

There is a widely known story of a man who was attacked by a burglar in his home and killed in the night. He then reanimated by sunrise and stumbled into the street and was hit by a car and pinned beneath it. The driver thought he was alive, but police and medical responders noticed his wounds from the brutal murder in the night and they knew right away what they were dealing with.

Myth: If someone dies, you can reanimate them by exposing their dead body to the Z-virus. This is not true. Z-virus needs a living body for transmission. So you will not see dead uninfected people coming back to life. Dead people cannot be reanimated with the Z-virus. If you contract the Z-virus, you will get sick, die, and then become zombified. By the way, once you die, you are truly gone. There is almost nothing of the person’s mind/psyche/personality left in a reanimated corpse. It’s also Hollywood fiction to see a person reason with a zombie or talk to a zombie or communicate with a zombie or train the zombie to do things like work in a factory.

Once a person becomes a zombie, that person ceases to exist and there is no cure that can bring them back. Being infected with stage 2 (active) Z-virus is like getting the flu. There is no cure for the flu and there is no cure for zombification.

There is a Z-virus vaccine just like there is a flu vaccine, but once you contract Z-virus there is no cure and the vaccine is not going to work on an infected person, a dead person, or a zombie. If a person is not vaccinated and they become infected, they will either die and become a zombie or they will not die because they have some inherent personal immunity to the virus. About 1 in 10,000 people have a natural immunity—if a zombie bites them, it would just be for practice; although, zombie bites themselves can become infected with other things and can also prove to be deadly if, say a zombie bites someone in a major blood vein. The US military combines Z-virus vaccines with its anthrax vaccine series. The Z-virus vaccine must be given in a series of six shots, which are best given over a 6-month period, but can be given in a 6-week period. There is a 15% death rate for the Z-virus vaccine, meaning 15% of those who get the shot will die and then become a zombie, which is why this vaccine is not used on the general public until after a zombie outbreak event. Those who are vaccinated with the full series of shots show a 95% immunity to Z-virus; receiving less than the full series of shots results in less immunity, but some immunity is still better than no immunity.

Some people who are bitten by zombies do not become zombies. NOT ALL ZOMBIE BITES RESULT IN ZOMBIFICATION. Sometimes not enough of the virus is transferred from the zombie to the victim. Hacking off your limbs just seconds after being bitten is premature. In a zombie apocalypse, there will be people who were bitten and did not turn. They didn’t turn either because they are immune or because they got lucky.

There is no science that shows hacking off limbs is effective in any way to prevent zombification once you are bitten. If you think it’s hard to survive a zombie outbreak on two good legs with two goods arms, you are in for some real shit, some incredible hardships after you chop one off with no surgery, no medicine, no hospital, no doctors, no antibiotics, no certainty that you would become a zombie in the first place, and while still trying to live in a filthy contaminated post-apocalyptic environment.

The best practice if someone is bitten is to watch the bitten person to see if they recover. Most don’t recover, but some do. Then if they die, hack away all you like to keep them from becoming a reanimated zombie. There would be plenty of time to do this. Survival is the name of the game and having to care for someone who just lost a leg or an arm decreases everyone’s chances of survival. I know this is hard to hear, but it would be more merciful to everyone to go ahead and terminate the bitten person, rather than hacking off a leg or arm.

A Pandemic outbreak will probably start at a large college or university. Ah college—that wonderful place where naive young people away from home for the first time get to lazily mingle with other lackadaisical and rebelliously unsanitary youths in a consequence free environment free to cross-contaminate each other with all sorts of infectious diseases. College is ground zero for lots of outbreaks.

A natural disaster could spark a zombie outbreak, but it is very unlikely that even a major natural disaster could spark a full blown pandemic zombie apocalypse. Remember, a zombie apocalypse requires an incredibly large number of natural deaths such as would be caused by the plague or a rampant pandemic flu virus. There would have to be lots of bodies. Remember only 1 in 10,000 people are Z-virus carriers capable of turning into zombies without being bitten. The dead bodies of carriers would need to be mostly whole and intact to have a chance to spark a pandemic zombie outbreak. When these unattended dead bodies start piling up and social services becomes swamped and cannot properly dispose of them, this is the worst case scenario and a zombie outbreak at this time has the greatest potential to become a pandemic zombie outbreak.

You may or may not hear of zombies after a natural disaster like a hurricane, tsunami, or typhoon, because no one wants to panic an already stressed situation. There were reports of a few zombie outbreaks with the 2004 Indian Ocean Christmas Tsunami that killed more than 250,000 people. Tsunamis are not likely to produce a zombie outbreak because salt water does something to the body that interrupts the Z-virus in the brain. I saw a Texas A&M study that showed zombies tend to die quickly if swamped by sea water. It’s something about the salt. I really can’t think of any other natural disaster that might spark a pandemic zombie outbreak. This planet just doesn’t have natural disasters that are significantly threatening to life.

I read a Harvard report that studied salt and the Z-virus. It seemed to suggest that once bitten, an infected person can stave off becoming a zombie by ingesting large quantities of salt water; four gallons as fast as you can. I heard something similar about drinking massive quantities of alcohol too. I have a sense that this is not far from factual, but drinking four gallons of water and overdosing on alcohol as fast as you can is actually deadly.

You won’t likely survive drinking too much water, which causes a condition known as water intoxication and a related problem resulting from the dilution of sodium in the body, hyponatremia, and that much salt in a body will certainly be bad. And, in a zombie outbreak, who will have four gallons of salt water handy at the right time?

Alcohol poisoning is also deadly. As the blood stream becomes saturated with alcohol, the blood loses the ability to push oxygen and nutrients through the body. This might work to cause an adverse reaction in the body where the body naturally attempts to purge the alcohol from the body (vomiting, sweating, going into a coma), but as I said, this is also a very deadly game to play. Plus, my guess is alcohol will become a very valuable asset in the apocalypse and so there won’t be a whole lot of it sitting around for people to drown their sorrows in if they get bit. Also, do you really expect you’ll have the time to babysit drunk overdosed people in the apocalypse? So, this option is really just a self-medication tactic if you get bit, you happen to have lots of booze with you, and you are in a safe place to stumble around drunk without getting bitten again.

Water Intoxication

[+ Alcohol Poisoning+]

 

An often forgotten thing you can do to be better prepared for a zombie apocalypse is to get in shape. Take a personal fitness inventory. Are you out of shape? You need a high cardio routine and a routine with weights. I’ve checked a few “boot camp” style workouts at the gyms and I approve of these for getting into zombie outbreak survival shape. The best boot camp workouts are the ones that are outside regardless of weather.

When was the last time you walked or ran for any great distance in the pouring rain or the scouring heat? Can you run across open terrain, through trails, over, under, and around obstacles? Can you do all that while carrying a rifle and/or a large backpack? Can you ride a bike? Can you swim across a river? Can you climb up a wall or over a fence or pull yourself up through a window? Can you carry heavy loads? Can you pull someone heavier than yourself to safety? Can you survive for weeks eating only dried meats, bread, grains, bugs, small rodents, snakes, and only drinking water? Can you brave an extended stay and/or a long trek through your city’s underground sewer system?

Take a first aid class; although, I’m not a fan of CPR during a zombie outbreak, but still take a CPR class if you can. Inventory your personal health and work on getting healthier. Unhealthy out of shape people have very low survivability in any pandemic event and an extremely low survival rate in a zombie apocalypse.

The types of zombies depend on the stage of the Z-virus.

Typical Zombies: work to spread the Z-virus – 95% of all zombies

Stage 1 Z-virus: Not contagious – partially genetic and hereditary – if the carrier dies with an intact brain and body, stage 1 Z-virus will mutate into stage 2 Z-virus.

Stage 2 Z-virus: Contagious – transmitted typically through bites and contact with infected body fluids – produces stumbling bumbling zombies that are easy to kill – will mutate into stage 3 Z-virus after several successive stage 2 transmissions.

Atypical Zombies: work to create zombie hives – 5% of all human zombies – 100% of all non-human zombies (zombie cats, rats, dogs, and other mammals). This is an important stage because any z-virus vaccines developed for lower stages will not work on this level or higher. Any z-virus vaccine developed for this level or higher will kill anyone infected with the lower Z-virus or likely turn them into a mutant zombie. It’s very important to know this.

Stage 3 Z-virus: Highly contagious – produces stage 3 Z-virus zombies that are better at running and attacking and some can crudely use simple weapons like clubs, or can throw things toward a target – perhaps dog-like intelligence – mutates into stage 4 Z-virus.

Stage 4 Z-virus: Highly Contagious with almost no immunities possible even with vaccination – 1 in 50 million people are immune to Stage 4 Z-virus – zombies show ape-like intelligence with the ability to problem-solve, work together, and strategize subliminally and hyper-consciously – zombies show some ability to control or influence lower stage zombies – working collectively, these zombies can outsmart the average Joe – successive transmissions cause the Z-virus to mutate to stage 5.

Stage 5 Z-virus: Produces zombies that are aggressive and difficult to kill and contain – smarter than most people – learn, act, and think within a massive collective intelligence – show visually obvious mutations like extra limbs, greater size, speed and strength – these hive controlled zombies work to build and protect hives and work to create higher stage zombies that can be human and non-human – these zombies can infect people and animals creating more stage 5 zombies, but they only do this when they see an advantage in doing it – there is no known immunity in any living creatures to stage 5 Z-virus – successive transmissions create higher stage Z-virus zombies. There are human test subjects in the Texas A&M labs that are zombie-human hybrids that show an ability remain mentally human and can control zombies. These volunteer zombie fighters were created as a potential solution to an uncontained z-virus pandemic event. They have never been deployed by US teams. We saw one of these in the Panama incident.

Stage 6 Z-virus and higher: Produced by a hive and creates a wide range of zombies and zombified creatures (not just mammals) that form a zombie society or a new xenomorphic bio-order – does not always need host subjects to create zombie creatures.

Stage 7 – 10 Z-virus: Infinitely worse than Stage 6 – imagine an entire world filled with mutated zombie life-forms controlled by a singular massive hive network.

The DNA sequences of Z-virus are different than the DNA sequences of all known life-forms on this planet. Unlike all other viruses, Z-virus is programmed to break into other DNA codes and rewrite them with zombie code. The ultimate threat is a completely zombified world. When I imagine this, I imagine a world filled with grotesque, shifting, masses of living polymorphs connected to a singular zombie hive collective. It’s a world where every life-form, all plants, animals, sea creatures, and even microorganisms, become twisted versions of life similar to the creatures from John Carpenter’s The Thing movie. All life on our world would essentially become assimilated into one amorphous life-form, one massive unnatural creature.

 

Is it at all possible for a zombie to produce an offspring, a child?

It’s funny you should ask that question and a little disturbing. Let’s look at the answer from two points of view.

First, as I said before, kids are especially vulnerable to a pandemic outbreak. Most kids will die-off because of the global pandemic flu. They just don’t have the immunities built up in their systems to be able to fight off the most advanced viruses. I said before that kids are vulnerable. They don’t wash their hands, they put strange things in their mouths, they’re always touching stuff. Kids are like germ and virus magnets. Kids will be hit hard by any pandemic outbreak.

While the number of children surviving the pandemic outbreak will be low, you should still expect some number of children and even babies to be bitten by zombies in the apocalypse. As horrible as that seems, it is what it is. There will be fewer kids and those that survive the pandemic flu will only be even more vulnerable to the Z-virus outbreak that follows.

We know kids or young zombies move faster than older or senior citizen zombies. We know this. The good news is that most of the youngest kids will be wiped out by the pandemic flu. Trust me. This is good news. You don’t want to see a wild raging horde of children zombies coming at you fast and agile. But if you did see such a thing, at least it would be over for you very quickly. So there’s your consolation.

Next, because a zombie is essentially dead in the brain, but continues to “live” and move and spread the Z-virus, there is some reproductive potential remaining in a reanimated corpse, but not much. In the zombie labs at Texas A&M and Harvard, scientists experimented with zombie procreation after acquiring the research from the Germans in World War I. German experiments focused on creating zombified super soldiers. US experiments focused on producing people who were immune to the Z-virus. What they both found is very alarming.

If a pregnant woman is attacked by a zombie, the potential that she will become a zombie is much higher than non-pregnant people. Pregnancy is a major immune system risk. So this makes sense. But what happens to her unborn child?

Researchers found that reanimated pregnant zombies can still give birth. Not always, but sometimes, and always in a lab. This has almost no potential to happen outside of a controlled environment. Medical science shows that capturing a pregnant zombie is of great importance. Should the unborn child remain intact and unharmed, then this child can be extracted from the zombie. Such a child is a goldmine of riches during a pandemic zombie outbreak.

The child will likely have 100% immunity to the Z-virus. This is because the human body is not without its defenses against the Z-virus. The human body fights back. One way it fights back is that progeny born after a pandemic event will have higher immunities to the pandemic threat. This sort of answers the question of why it’s been a such a long time since we’ve seen a pandemic flu outbreak. Immediately after the outbreak, children will have high spikes of immunity to the threat. This natural reproductive immunity usually wears down and wears off after about 50 years, or two or three generations.

In AMC’s TV show, The Walking Dead, Rick’s newborn daughter, Judith, is such a child. She will be shown to be immune to the Z-virus. Like other children born in the apocalypse, she may also have the ability to walk among the dead unmolested, and may have the ability to psychically control zombies. For some of these children, zombies will not attack them and may actually follow them around, treating them as their leader.

Still, this is risky. In some rare test subjects, the unborn baby became zombified and then ripped and clawed its way out of the pregnant mother. In some very rare cases the pregnant mother gave birth to a zombified baby. In some very rare cases the pregnant mother gave birth to a living breathing zombified child that could grow and learn and think and eventually grow up and talk.

This research and the experiments with unborn Z-virus exposure led to advancements in producing zombie super soldiers. Texas A&M researchers created a serum that like the anthrax inoculation series, works over time to turn a regular soldier into a zombie apocalypse super soldier. There are a large number of such soldiers currently training to fight during the impending zombie apocalypse. These zombie fighters train at secret facilities located at Camp Pendleton and Fort Hood. I encountered one of these zombie fighters, a Chinese created soldier during our Panama ZORT incident in 1989. It’s worth noting that the US isn’t the only country conducting such experiments. In fact, there aren’t very many advanced countries NOT conducting such experiments.

Zombie super soldiers are a little bit bigger, stronger, faster, and smarter than regular humans, and they are immune to the Z-virus, and they can control zombies. Although, controlling zombies is not quite accurate. They can influence zombies. They can lead a zombie horde away from a location. They can walk among the living dead unmolested. They can get a horde of zombies to attack a certain location. An undead horde is like an army of followers to them. This is in contrast to how some number of regular people are naturally immune to the Z-virus, are ignored by zombies, and can in limited situations control zombies. In The Walking Dead, Michonne is such a person, although she theorizes that the dead ignore her because she is a monster just like them.

 

Is it possible to have sex with a zombie and either get the zombie pregnant or become pregnant?

No, not by having sex with a zombie. Government protocols during a zombie apocalypse will require a number of women to volunteer for pregnancy applications. We’re not leaving this to chance. A large number of women will be evacuated to government shelters and there they will participate in testing to produce the next generation of super immune survivors and super soldiers.

There are very rare cases of pregnancies initiated very close to the time of Z-virus exposure. Such pregnancies are risky and usually result in death for both the mother and the unborn child. In some very rare cases the Z-virus was transmitted by sexual contact. Keep in mind there will be non-carrier people who are immune to the Z-virus, and there will be carriers who are immune to the Z-virus. Having unprotected sex with a Z-virus carrier will very likely cause contamination and infection in a non-immune person. This newly infected person will become sick with the worst flu they could ever imagine, die after about 2-3 days of violent sickness, and then reanimate as a zombie 1-2 hours after dying; although, a certain insignificant number of such idiots will survive as is likely with all viral exposures.

 

Why has it been so long since the last pandemic event?

The most recent global pandemic killer was the Spanish Flu of 1918 where possibly five million people died worldwide. It’s been a long time because we have better medicine and science today. We all know how viruses are transmitted. We have global outbreak protocols. We all know the connection between proper nutrition and disease.

Also, we are much more disconnected physically than we were 25 years ago. Look at how many companies allow teleworking. The US government promotes telework as part of the global plan to prevent pandemic viral outbreaks. Today we all know you should stay away from sick people. We’re much more careful about body fluids and germs. Almost every public place has hand sanitizer and sanitary wipes. With enough people getting annual flu shots worldwide, we are battling a pandemic zombie outbreak with our two biggest weapons, knowledge and prevention.

The schools in my city offer FREE flu shots. This is an important component for prevention success because we all expect the next pandemic viral outbreak to start in our schools. Schools require their teachers to be vaccinated for flu and other pandemic potentials. Hospitals require their employees, nurses, and doctors to be vaccinated. Public services require employee vaccinations for fire, police, and other public response agencies. Federal and state employees are required to be vaccinated.

We’ve got 24-hour news accessible on our cellphones. If there’s an outbreak somewhere, we’ll all know very soon and then that gives us the chance to start doing something. Everyone reads my books and watches zombie and outbreak TV shows and movies. This helps. None of these preventive measures were in place back in 1918.

While this is great news, outbreak models created and tested at Harvard’s Z-virus lab suggest that the next pandemic outbreak could be much worse because we’ve gone so long without one. Remember what I just said. Any pandemic outbreak will naturally produce children who are much more resistant than their parents were. Also, the natural immunities wear off after a few generations if there are no more pandemic outbreaks. In some cases, we are better. In some cases we are all weaker. The final conclusion is that we are overdue for another pandemic outbreak and unless we get all our outbreak response protocol right, the next outbreak will be a bigger killer than anything we’ve ever seen before on this planet.

 

Why don’t zombies attack sick people as shown in the movie World War Z[*?*]

The truth is that zombies bite a lot of things, even other zombies. Biting is their natural action. So even when you can walk amongst the dead, there is a good chance one of them will take a bite out of you. So walking amongst a horde of zombies is always a pretty fucking stupid idea. What you see on AMC’s The Walking Dead and Fear The Walking Dead is pure bullshit.

As I said before, beginning about 10-15 years ago, I leaked zombie research from Texas A&M that reported how zombies “ignore” the sick, infected, and the dying. So the movie World War Z expanded on my reporting.

Zombies don’t attack very sick people. Zombies don’t attacked dead people. Zombies stop attacking people who are about to die, unlike what they show in movies and TV shows. Zombies don’t eat people alive. They consume flesh to spread the infection and to fuel their undead metabolism. Zombies don’t attack people who are infected with the Z-virus. While this is primarily true the more precise fact is that zombies won’t “aggressively” attack somebody that they can sense is already infected. Zombies will bite sick people and sometimes infected people because they are attracted to movement and sound and smells. As I said, zombies sometimes bite each other and also a zombie will sometimes by itself. Biting is a natural physical action for zombies.

Zombies will bite trees. Zombies will bite lamp posts. Zombies will bite cars. They just bite things mostly with an aim to bite living things so they can spread the Z-virus. They won’t generally attack and try to bite somebody who’s already infected. There would be no point in a zombie biting somebody who is already infected.

Again, the Z-virus isn't 100% infective. It has an infection rate of about 70% to those who are exposed to it. Now that's a pretty high rate but it also shows that not everyone who gets bit will become infected. Compare this to the flu virus. Influenza occurs globally with an annual attack rate estimated at 5%–10% in adults and 20%–30% in children. Illnesses can result in hospitalization and death mainly among high-risk groups (the very young, elderly or chronically ill). Worldwide, these annual epidemics are estimated to result in about 3 to 5 million cases of severe illness, and about 250,000 to 500,000 deaths globally each year. Google these numbers at the CDC and the WHO. Half a million people die annually from the flu!

Another factor is that some people have a natural immunity to the Z-virus. Think of the Z-virus as a type of human rabies. A person can get bitten by a dog or a bat with rabies and it doesn’t necessarily mean that in every case a person bitten by a dog or a bat with rabies will contract rabies. This is similar to how you can find people who have had sex with an HIV positive person and they didn’t get infected.

Even with direct contact infection is not 100% guaranteed. Obviously people who have compromised immune systems such as diabetics or people with HIV or other illnesses, even people who are battling anything like the flu or high blood pressure, or starvation or dehydration or some other illness or disease are much more susceptible to becoming infected. People who have compromised immune systems are much more likely to become infected if they come in contact with the Z-virus. Old people and young children are especially vulnerable to the Z-virus. For them the infection rate maybe as high as 85%-90%.

Zombies will rip into you and bite into you and otherwise try to cause as much damage to you as possible without rendering you completely useless for becoming an undead walking infectious zombie to continue transmitting the Z-virus. What they intend to do when they bite and rip into you is to make it much more likely that you will become infected with the Z-virus.

Any physical damage they do to you, including biting and ripping into you, severely compromises your immune system. Thus, infection and reanimation can be as high as 99.999%.

This is also why chopping off your limb when you get bitten is just stupid. There are people who are killed by zombies and they do not reanimate because the zombies ripped into them too far or otherwise injured them causing great damage and so caused them to die even though they did not get infected by the Z-virus or they were quite possibly immune to the Z-virus. Zombies can kill you without infecting you.

One more thing, zombies cannot regenerate. They cannot heal themselves. A zombie that falls out of a high window and breaks a lot of bones may die if there is significant head trauma from the fall. If the head is intact and the legs are broken, this zombie will not be able to walk. Zombies do not feel pain, so it will still crawl after you, but it can’t walk or run after you with broken legs. This is why shooting a zombie in the knees or chopping at the zombie’s knees with your ax or sword can help you survive if you’re not able to hit its head.

 

My 10 basic Zombie Outbreak Survival Rules:

1. I must survive. Nobody’s survival is more important than my own.

2. Shoot first and ask questions later.

3. Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies.

4. Build or form a survival coalition, league, union, team, cooperative, partnership, or alliance.

5. Don’t go out at night.

6. Dress for Success.

7. Get out of town.

8. You must protect your government.

9. Always be willing to make hard and tough choices.

10. When in doubt, in a hurry, or under extreme pressure, always default to Rule No. 1.

Note: These are the short version of The Rules. You need to read my book, Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Rules if you want to get a full understanding of my rules. This short list will probably get you killed without the full set of rules and survival tips included in my book.

 

Remember: “Surviving a zombie outbreak is hard, but it’s harder if you’re fucking stupid and you don’t stick to the rules.”

The Final Exam is next. If anything before now confused you, that’s okay. Just go back and read it again. If you’re ready, I’ll keep going.

My zombie thought quote of the day: “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. And zombies don’t shoot people in the back and steal their shit. People shoot people in the back and steal their shit. In any pandemic pandemonium, we need to fear the dead and be prepared to deal with the living too.”

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

The Definitive Test

 

What makes my test definitive? Well, it’s definitive primarily because the word definitive is in the title. I think that explains enough.

So the world is soon going to end up in the crapper. The fecal matter is soon going to impact a rotating aerial oscillator. The world is soon going to turn into a shit sandwich. The Mayans were not for from right. Tough times are a comin’ and you need to get ready. That’s where I come in.

Consider me as your zombie apocalypse preparation and survival expert consultant. When it comes to zombie apocalypse survival, I wrote the book. As you know from studying my many zombie outbreak survival books, this time of year (the end of year holidays) is prime time for a pandemic outbreak event and a subsequent zombie apocalypse. You are reading my books at the perfect time to help ensure your survival. Good on you for that. September every year is National Preparedness Month. Prepared for what? Why would the US government target the month of September for preparedness? You know why.

Use The Definitive Test to check your zombie outbreak survival learning curve. Here I present to you part one of a two-part multiple choice test, which will highlight the areas you still need to improve on before things get bad. The first part is The Definitive Test, 50 questions. In part two, I explain the correct answers to The Definitive Test questions one by one. You can take this test open-book style and use my previous books to help you select the one best answer to each question. Track your answers and stay tuned in the next chapter for the correct answers with discussion.

 

Disclaimer: As you read the questions, do your best. If you get the wrong answer, hang in there because I will discuss all the right and wrong answers in the next chapter. If you didn’t study all my previous books, you will get some wrong maybe a lot. I will definitely explain the right answers in full details later. Then you will know and you will understand and you will feel better and then you just might survive.

 

Why are my answers the right answers? Just remember, I’m Captain Allen and you’re not!

1. Pandemic zombie outbreaks are most likely to occur during which one of the following events.

a. After an earthquake that buries lots people under tons of rubble.

b. After a pandemic viral outbreak where millions of people are killed by something like the flu.

c. After a tsunami where thousands of people are killed by drowning.

d. After a terrorist attack like a car bombing.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

2. Which category of zombies are you most likely to encounter during a zombie outbreak?

a. Stage 2 zombies, stumbling bumbling around biting anything that moves.

b. Stage 6 zombies that are not interested in infecting new people.

c. Stage 1 zombies, the highest stage that can operate machines and use weapons.

d. Stage 4 zombies that can use crude weapons and sometimes work together.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

3. A zombie is trapped in the storm cellar of a home. What should you do?

a. Leave it there and avoid it because it will eventually die on its own.

b. Kill it in the storm cellar.

c. Keep it alive for entertainment.

d. Lead it out of the cellar and away and then kill it.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

4. You see a random man in the streets swinging a sledge hammer at zombies. What should you do?

a. Nothing.

b. Shoot him because he appears to be very stupid.

c. Run out and help him because everyone deserves to live.

d. Shoot the zombies around him so he will have a better chance to survive.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

5. A few zombies have broken into your perimeter. What is the best weapon to use to eradicate them?

a. Kung Fu throwing stars.

b. An AR-15.

c. A chainsaw.

d. Booby-traps.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

6. Zombies are randomly loitering in the streets and in your way. What is the safest way to quickly deal with them so you can keep going directly to your intended target?

a. Use a dog as a decoy to lead them away.

b. Use an AK-47 to shoot them all because it is a distance weapon with excellent power.

c. Pour gas on them and set them on fire.

d. Use an M-16 because it is one-shot; one-kill.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

7. In a zombie pandemonium, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?

a. A man because all men are superior.

b. A survival badass, because badasses will increase your survivability.

c. A woman, because well you know…

d. A doctor, because they know how to care for sick people and can help you find a cure.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

8. Which of the following are the best places to get training to survive a zombie apocalypse?

a. Military, Boy Scouts, ROTC programs, local community first-responders courses.

b. Med school, church, construction trades, frat house zombie parties.

c. YouTube, video games, zombie movies, Halloween events.

d. 5K zombie races, martial arts classes, boot-camp style cardio workouts.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

9. You are out of bullets. What back-up weapons should you quickly switch to?

a. A chainsaw, pruning shears, or some other gardening equipment.

b. Speed, Stealth, Distance.

c. Look around and find something to make a rudimentary lathe.

d. Your trusty hunting knife, a sword, throwing stars; anything with a sharp edge.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

10. One of the members of your team was bitten by a zombie in the last melee. What should you do?

a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.

b. Kill her now and redistribute her shit.

c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.

d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water or a massive dose of tequila.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

11. You come across a stash of weapons and you cannot take them all. Which of these weapons and their ammo will you take with you as your main priority?

a. The shotguns.

b. The 9mm pistols.

c. The chainsaws.

d. The M240 Golf.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

12. A zombie just bit you and you are pretty sure you are not immune. What should you do?

a. Hide in a closet with a bottle of whiskey, waiting for the Z-virus to kill you.

b. Hide your condition from the people around you because they will discriminate against the infected.

c. Chop off the part of your body that was bitten.

d. Go out in a blaze of glory taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find before you turn.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

13. It’s easier to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are:

a. A total badass.

b. Friends with total badasses.

c. Not stupid.

d. All the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

14. In a zombie outbreak survival event, which of the following should be your main priority?

a. Finding food.

b. Finding water.

c. Finding gold and jewels.

d. Finding shelter.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

15. Which of the following people are extra vulnerable in a zombie apocalypse?

a. People with kids.

b. Healthy people who are current on their medical evals and who also get all their shots.

c. People who don’t wash their hands.

d. Assholes.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

16. Which of the following myths are not true about zombies?

a. Zombies like to eat brains.

b. Zombies, for some strange reason, will attack Black people more than other people.

c. Zombies are not real.

d. All the above myths are NOT true.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

17. A zombie horde is coming your way and you need to move. Which of the following is your best survival tactic in this situation?

a. Rig your shelter to remotely blow up if a zombie horde comes.

b. Use stealth, speed, and distance to fall back to your back-up shelter.

c. Cover yourself in feces and zombie guts and goop and pretend to be a zombie.

d. Utilize every weapon and all the ammo and explosives in your arsenal to repel them to hang on to your shit for as long as you can.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

18. A man approaches your compound and asks for sanctuary. You recognize him as Randall from the shoe store, a pothead with a bad attitude. What should you do?

a. Capture him and interrogate him for what he knows that could help you survive.

b. Shoot him.

c. Let him in; you can always make room for one more.

d. Give him some weapons and tell him he is on probation and will have to prove himself to remain a long-term member of your team.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

19. You enter an abandoned town. Where do you expect to find the best place to take shelter?

a. The police station.

b. A movie theater.

c. A grocery store.

d. A church.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

20. You are searching the town and avoiding the zombies in the town. You find several places where things you may need are located. What should you do?

a. Grab as much as you can and bring it back to your shelter so you will never have to leave your shelter again.

b. Mark where these things are located on a map, include the safest route to those locations, and begin making strategic plans for getting supplies when you need them.

c. Booby-trap each location to prevent others from taking your shit.

d. Quickly move to the next town because this is too good to be a good thing.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

21. Which of the following things can be eaten if you have to survive during a zombie apocalypse and there is no other food?

a. Bugs.

b. Rats.

c. Pets.

d. All the above…if it moves you can probably eat it.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

22. Which of the following survival skills is the most important in a pandemic zombie pandemonium event?

a. The ability to lead.

b. Charisma and the ability to make friends.

c. The ability to cook.

d. The ability to treat wounds.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

23. In a classic pandemic zombie outbreak that piggy-backs a deadly pandemic flu event, what is more likely to kill you?

a. Zombies

b. The flu

c. Kids

d. Bad guys; assholes

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

24. As a general zombie pandemonium survival rule, you should ALWAYS

a. Kill the zombie closest to you.

b. Shoot first and ask questions later.

c. Shoot any asshole that threatens your survival.

d. All of the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

25. As a general zombie apocalypse survival rule, you should NEVER

a. Go out at night.

b. Get married and/or have kids.

c. Shoot at things if you are not absolutely sure of what they are.

d. Leave the city.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

Okay, take a break! How are you doing? Are you suicidal? These twenty-five questions are just the first half of The Definitive Zombie Outbreak Survival Test. If you do not answer these questions with supreme confidence and get enough of these questions right, then your survival is at great risk. The second half of The Definitive Test is much harder than this first part and it also has 25 questions. Remember, I included the correct answers with discussion in the next chapter. There I will discuss the answers to each question and clarify several fine points of surviving a zombie apocalypse. Good luck with the rest of the test. Your survival and maybe the survival of humanity depends on it.

Did you get your flu shot this year?

No!!?!?!!

It’s anti-vaccination people like you who will be the reason the world falls into the fecal receptacle and we all end up trussed, trapped, and attached to another object by and inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis of zombie pandemonium (means screwed). Stop trying to screw humanity and go get a flu shot!

 

The Definitive Test (Part 2)

Again, what makes my test definitive? Well, it’s definitive primarily because as you can plainly see the word definitive is in the title. Now quit dicking around and take the rest of the test already.

I am proud to offer Part 2 of the final exam (Questions 26-50). Well, the real “final exam” is what happens to you in a real zombie outbreak. So this test is merely a nice way to proactively check your zombie outbreak survival knowledge. As with Part 1, you can take this test open-book style and use my previous books to help you select the one best answer to each question. Track your answers and stay tuned to the next chapter for the correct answers with discussion. Remember, I’m Captain Allen and you’re not!

 

26. Which of the following statements is true about typical zombies?

a. Zombies can read your mind.

b. Zombies can’t dance.

c. Zombies are afraid of crucifixes and never enter holy ground like a church.

d. Zombies have no emotions.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

27. A friend is preparing for the impending global pandemic zombie outbreak. He constructs a safe shelter out of the storm shelter in his backyard. What’s wrong with his plan?

a. Storm shelters are designed to protect you from storms and not deadly pandemic viral events and zombie apocalypses.

b. Unless that storm shelter has at least a second and secret exit, it’s probably just going to be his tomb.

c. It’s in his backyard.

d. All of the above highlight what’s wrong with this friend’s plan.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

28. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a. A boat.

b. The mountains.

c. A prison.

d. The sewers.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

29. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a. A church.

b. A ranch.

c. A mall.

d. A movie theater.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

30. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a. A ten story building.

b. A five story building.

c. A skyscraper.

d. A farm house.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

31. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a. A cave.

b. The middle of the desert.

c. A tree house.

d. None of these are great choices.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

32. You need to become a badass before the zombie apocalypse comes. Where should be the first place you go to get training in badassery?

a. The United States Marine Corps.

b. The US Navy.

c. The US Coast Guard.

d. The US Air Force.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

33. So… you are not qualified to join the military. Which of the following is the best option for getting some other good training in badassery?

a. The boot camp cardio class at your local gym.

b. The Boy Scouts.

c. YouTube videos.

d. A martial arts class.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

34. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

a. Getting healthy and fit.

b. Collecting weapons and practicing with them.

c. Cardio.

d. All of the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

35. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

a. Seeing your doctor for a medical evaluation physical and getting current on your vaccinations.

b. Scoring (you know…getting busy) with as many people as you possibly can.

c. Supporting the NRA.

d. All of the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

36. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you avoid doing at all costs?

a. Avoid playing zombie video games and watching bad zombie movies because these are a waste of time.

b. Avoid making babies… having kids… getting pregnant because kids are a major apocalypse survival liability.

c. Avoid paying your taxes and supporting your government because the apocalypse will be here before the IRS catches up to you.

d. Avoid stocking up on “the little things” that will help you get through the apocalypse.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

37. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you be doing?

a. Running in zombie themed races.

b. Researching zombies in the media: movies, video games, YouTube.

c. Stashing all the hard cash you can get into a safe place, like under your mattress.

d. A and B.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

38. Which of these sports teaches the most relevant skills for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a. Baseball because it teaches you to swing hard and run fast.

b. Football because it teaches hard-hitting grit, persistence, leadership, and teamwork.

c. Soccer because there’s a lot of pointless and frantic running around.

d. Mixed Martial Arts because it teaches you how to kick someone’s ass.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

39. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a. The defensive linemen.

b. The cornerbacks.

c. The cheerleaders.

d. The linebackers.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

40. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a. The offensive linemen.

b. The wide receivers.

c. The quarterbacks.

d. The fullbacks.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

41. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

a. World War Z by Max Brooks.

b. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell.

c. The Bible.

d. All the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

42. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

a. The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

b. Fit for Combat: When Fitness is a Matter of Life and Death by JD Johannes and Nita Marquez.

c. The Book on Zombie Outbreak Survival by Van Allen.

d. All the above.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

43. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1, which of the following is a bad move?

a. You are all alone and you find a seriously injured dog trapped in a bad guy’s booby-trap, so you take the time to rescue this dog and care for it.

b. You are all alone and you find a survivor with her own, shelter, ammo, weapons, supplies, and a great plan for survival, so you team up.

c. You are all alone and you find a survivor and you give her some of your supplies, weapons, and ammo.

d. You are all alone and you like it that way.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

44. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2, which of the following is a good move?

a. A man waiving a white flag approaches your safe shelter and asks you to come out to talk. He claims he is unarmed. You notice he is wearing the remnants of a prison uniform. He says he needs your help. You ignore him and then shoot him through the eye with your M14/M1A when he gets too close. You then wait for darkness and evacuate to your back up shelter.

b. A small group of men are horribly mistreating some survivors. You get the drop on them before they can get to their weapons. They ask you to cut them some slack; the world went to shit; the old rules don’t apply; you can join their gang if you let them live. You shoot them all, and interrogate the survivors to see what else they know. Then you release the survivors. You confiscate most of the bad guys’ weapons ammo, and supplies.

c. After many months of surviving the zombie apocalypse, you corner a zombie that can speak. It begs you to spare it. You decide to ask it some questions to see what it knows.

d. All of the above are good moves except C.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

45. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 and #4, which of the following is a bad move?

a. You are all alone and in a very safe place. A large group of survivors appears to have formed a well-run operation. They are looking to reestablish order. They reach out to you and other survivors and invite you to join them in their compound and help them rebuild society, but you will have to play by their rules once you join. You accept their offer.

b. You are all alone and low on food and ammo. You come across a survivor compound and you observe them for a while. You see some abusive and vile things going on in the compound. The leader appears to be psychotic. You intend to approach them and ask for shelter because you are impressed with how many good things they have inside their compound.

c. You recruit other survivors to join your survival network and you soon have a number of safe places to go for shelter.

d. You come across a small group of survivors. They do not have good leadership. They are barely surviving. They are good-hearted and tough, but they have low skills. You decide to teach them some of your survival skills. You stay with them until they develop into a much better fighting and survival group.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

46. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules, which of the following is a bad move?

a. You have marked your map showing all the best places in your zombie infested town where there is food, shelter, and weapons. You’ve also marked places to avoid because there are bad guys in your town too.

b. You found a room in the upper floor of a three-story building where you can make a nice shelter. You spend a couple of days there making it safe and planning and practicing quick escapes. You are pretty sure no zombies can get into this place. It has a nearby source of water. You don’t stay there long. You mark your map and now start looking for another safe place to shelter.

c. You come across a survivor who is seriously injured. His friends left him here to die. He says he was bitten and he feels the fever starting. He doesn’t expect to survive. He asks you to shoot him now. You first get him to tell you everything he knows…where his shelter is…who his friends are/were…the location of anything you can use to help you. You then you suffocate him and then chop off his head.

d. All of these are pretty good moves in a zombie apocalypse. None of these violates Rule #4, because all of these pertain to Rule #3.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

47. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5, which of the following is a good move?

a. Building a fire in a way that zombies and other bad guys cannot see it.

b. Stockpiling 9mm pistols and 9mm ammo.

c. Leaving the keys to a working vehicle in the ignition because zombies can’t start cars and you don’t want to be fumbling with keys when you need to make a quick getaway.

d. All of these are good moves according to Rule #5

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

48. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #6, which of the following is a bad move?

a. Setting fire to zombies.

b. Going sleeveless and wearing short pants.

c. Scaring your friends by pretending to be a zombie.

d. All of these are bad moves according to Rule #6.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

49. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7, which of the following is a bad move?

a. Going back into the heart of a zombie infested big city just to see if anyone from your family survived.

b. Staying in the city because it’s warmer than going out into the wilderness.

c. Staying in the city because you would rather deal with zombies than deal with the crooked badasses outside the city.

d. All of these are bad moves according to Rule #7.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

50. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8, which of the following is a bad move?

a. Joining a no rules, free hippie compound that celebrates the end of society and that is anti-government, anti-establishment, and pro-narcotics in a consequence free environment.

b. Networking with other survivors to create a decision-making approach to long-term survival and mutual support and then violating that network for your own selfish reasons.

c. Disrespecting these words attributed to Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief:

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and

demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,

beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and

its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,

even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and

bow to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and

for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,

the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing,

for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts

are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes

they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again

in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

d. All of these are bad moves according to Rule #8.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

These last twenty-five questions represent the second half of The Definitive Zombie Outbreak Survival Test. How do you feel you did? Did you remember to show all your work?

Okay… If you did not answer these questions with supreme confidence and get enough of these questions right, then your survival is at great risk. It’s good that you are taking proactive steps now to identify your risks. Identifying risks is important, but doing something about risks is exponentially more important. I’m here to help.

In the next chapter I will discuss the answers to The Definitive Test and hopefully you start to feel better about your chances.

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

The Answers

 

1. Pandemic zombie outbreaks are most likely to occur during which one of the following events.

a) After an earthquake that buries lots people under tons of rubble.

[b) After a pandemic viral outbreak where millions of people are killed by something like the flu.*]

c) After a tsunami where thousands of people are killed by drowning.

d) After a terrorist attack like a car bombing.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: In history, zombie outbreaks have been known to occur following natural disasters, wars (like the Civil War), and other mass casualty events. However, the greatest chance for a pandemic level global zombie outbreak, as shown by outbreak models from the CDC, WHO, Texas A&M, Harvard, and a few other lesser known research centers, is following a deadly pandemic viral outbreak, like the Spanish Flu of 1918 where just in the US, more than 200,000 people died of the Spanish Flu in October 1918 alone. Imagine that! 200,000 Americans dying in one month! A pandemic zombie outbreak needs a large number of undamaged dead people to ignite. There aren’t very many other natural or unnatural events that can possibly cause a pandemic zombie outbreak.

 

2. Which category of zombies are you most likely to encounter during a zombie outbreak?

[a) Stage 2 zombies, stumbling bumbling around biting anything that moves.*]

b) Stage 6 zombies that are not interested in infecting new people.

c) Stage 1 zombies, the highest stage that can operate machines and use weapons.

d) Stage 4 zombies that can use crude weapons and sometimes work together.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Stage 2 zombies are the most common. If a stage 2 outbreak isn’t contained, it will eventually spawn mutations of the Z-virus leading to stage 3 and higher zombies.

 

3. A zombie is trapped in the storm cellar of a home. What should you do?

a) Leave it there and avoid it because it will eventually die on its own.

b) Kill it in the storm cellar.

c) Keep it alive for entertainment.

[d) Lead it out of the cellar and away and then kill it.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: The best answer is to lead it away and kill it somewhere else if you can. Zombies take a long time to expire, so unless you don’t need anything in that storm cellar, you could leave it in there. The worst option is to kill it in the cellar. When you kill a zombie, it will give off a unique pheromone that attracts other zombies, sort of like when you swat a bee on your arm. That bee’s death pheromone tells other bees to frenzy and attack the smell and they do. Living zombies give off pheromones that attract zombies too. Killing the zombie in the cellar is going to more quickly draw more zombies to that location. This is why you have to avoid killing zombies in your own backyard if you can help it. C is the worst choice. If you have doubts about the pheromonal abilities of zombies, just think about it. I can smell sick people. Dogs can smell sick people. Nurses can smell sick people. Sick people smell different. The air they breathe out the, the oils oozing out of their pores, it’s different. Plenty of nurses will tell you that certain types of patients have similar scents. They could be cancer patients or poisoned or about to die. Even those who are recovering will give off a different odor that most nurses can detect and tell the difference compared to sick and dying people. We know dogs can tell the difference. Dogs can smell fear or I’ve even heard of dogs being able to smell the difference when people are lying. Think about that. We also know that animals are sensitive to different cues in their environment such as how horses know to hide if a tornado is coming. Sharks have a phenomenal ability to detect the difference between a healthy and a not so healthy electromagnetic field. Sharks like to go after weaker fish or seal or human for the easiest kill, so do bees and other animals. People have been known to claim they can sense the aura of others and by sensing the person’s aura, they know something about what ails the person…could be alcoholism or HIV or syphilis or crystal meth abuse. You can small the difference on a crystal meth abusers breath. There’s clear science that shows we can all sense when someone is looking at us and when someone close is thinking about us…very hard science proves this. Don’t believe me? Just Google these ideas and look them up. The bottom line is zombies have sensory perception that in some cases works better than before they died and in some cases works worse or eventually worse than before the person died. If a person needed some serious glasses to be able to see or they were blind, they will still be just as hampered when they become zombified. A deaf person will become a deaf zombie. A quadriplegic person will become a quadriplegic zombie. Now this is of course true about typical zombies, but not so true with all atypical mutant zombies. Mutant zombies tend to become stronger, smarter, and faster than they were as humans. That’s why you have to shoot any odd acting zombies first. If you look out through your binoculars and you see a zombie going against the horde or swinging a club or throwing things…shoot that fucker…put it down fast and hot!

 

4. You see a random man in the streets swinging a sledge hammer at zombies. What should you do?

[a) Nothing.*]

b) Shoot him because he appears to be very stupid.

c) Run out and help him because everyone deserves to live.

d) Shoot the zombies around him so he will have a better chance to survive.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: The best choice is to do nothing. He may take out a few zombies, but more likely, he will soon be killed by the zombies. The man is clearly stupid; he should use his sledge hammer to forge a better zombie-killing weapon than a sledge hammer. C is the worst choice.

 

5. A few zombies have broken into your perimeter. What is the best weapon to use to eradicate them?

a) Kung Fu throwing stars.

b) An AR-15.

c) A chainsaw.

[d) Booby-traps.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: You should have booby-trapped your perimeter for just such an occasion. Let your bobby-traps handle the zombies in your perimeter. A pit with spikes…barbed wire…land mines…snares and other rope traps. My daughter brought up a good point… Killing zombies in your perimeter works the same as killing a zombie in your cellar—plus a land mine is surely to attract zombies too. A rope snare trap or a net that will let you drag the things away and dispose of them outside your perimeter is the best booby-trap to use. Most zombies are not capable of getting untangled from or avoiding such traps. C is the worst choice.

 

6. Zombies are randomly loitering in the streets and in your way. What is the safest way to quickly deal with them so you can keep going directly to your intended target?

[a. Use a dog as a decoy to lead them away.*]

b. Use an AK-47 to shoot them all because it is a distance weapon with excellent power.

c. Pour gas on them and set them on fire.

d. Use an M-16 because it is one-shot; one-kill.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Most zombies will chase a dog or anything else that’s moving. Some zombies are even stunned by their own reflections. The only problem with using a dog is that some dogs like to run away and then run back towards you. Gunfire should be used in the open only as a last resort. It attracts more zombies. An M-16 is one-shot; one-kill on the living, not the undead. M-16s are not the best weapons for dealing with zombies. An AK-47 is better than an M-16 for zombies, but you need to save ammo and a dog decoy should work just fine, maybe. Dogs are expendable in the apocalypse. C is the worst choice.

 

7. In a zombie pandemonium, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?

a. A man because all men are superior.

[b. A survival badass, because badasses will increase your survivability.*]

c. A woman, because well you know…

d. A doctor, because they know how to care for sick people and can help you find a cure.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Badasses are invaluable in a zombie pandemonium. By the way, the Great State of Texas is known to have the highest percentage of badasses per capita. You may think that two badasses double the badass effect. But studies have shown that the badass effect is actually exponentially increased with the addition of more badasses. I personally know plenty of female badasses. My own mother was a total badass about 20 years ago. Just be sure you side with good-natured badasses. You will run into plenty of evil badasses in a zombie pandemonium event. These sorts of badasses are to be avoided. People often confuse assholes for badasses. It’s true that some badasses are assholes, but not all assholes are badasses. Badasses and assholes have been shown to have an almost equal rate of survivability in a zombie apocalypse. Remember, there is something about assholes that makes them resistant to almost all forms of death, natural or otherwise. While assholes have an increased survivability, studies also show that those non-assholes close to or around the asshole have a significantly lower survivability probability than if there were no assholes around at all. In fact, multiple assholes actually decrease the survivability of other assholes, unlike and in contrast to the effect of multiple badasses.

 

8. Which of the following are the best places to get training to survive a zombie apocalypse?

[a. Military, Boy Scouts, ROTC programs, local community first-responders courses.*]

b. Med school, church, construction trades, frat house zombie parties.

c. YouTube, video games, zombie movies, Halloween events.

d. 5K zombie races, martial arts classes, boot-camp style cardio workouts.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: C is the worst choice.

 

9. You are out of bullets. What back-up weapons should you quickly switch to?

a. A chainsaw, pruning shears, or some other gardening equipment.

[b. Speed, Stealth, Distance.*]

c. Look around and find something to make a rudimentary lathe.

d. Your trusty hunting knife, a sword, throwing stars; anything with a sharp edge.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Speed, Stealth, and Distance should be your primary weapons and your most useful back-up weapons. As you take aim and fire, even in the chaos of a zombie melee, you should still keep track of how much ammo you have and remain aware and sensitive to just when would be the right time to duck out and get away. Never let yourself get cornered. Always plan for a way out. You wouldn’t make a plan that says switch to the sword or machete when I run out of ammo. The best plan says to use the sword or machete as much as possible and switch to guns only as necessary to conserve ammo.

 

10. One of the members of your team was bitten by a zombie in the last melee. What should you do?

[a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.*]

b. Kill her now and redistribute her shit.

c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.

d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water or massive amounts of tequila.

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: B is not a bad choice, especially if you don’t have the luxury of waiting to see what happens to her. Sometimes the most humane thing to do might be to kill your friend. If she is a highly valuable member of your team, and you have the time, you should wait and see. Zombie bites do not ALWAYS turn the victim into a zombie. Not all Z-virus infections turn the person into a zombie either. Sometimes they survive with increased immunities, sometimes they just die, but most of the time they will die and reanimate as a zombie. While there is a Harvard study that says drinking four gallons of salt water will prevent you from succumbing to the Z-virus if you are bitten or contaminated by other means, it’s hardly practical to sit and ingest four gallons of highly salted water; this is just as likely to kill you and so is alcohol poisoning. C is the worst choice.

 

Your goal is to get 100% correct. How did you do? If you suck (you got more than two wrong and you didn't even hit on the second best answers), don’t worry. You can take the test again later. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the meantime. Let’s continue the post-test discussion.

 

11. You come across a stash of weapons and you cannot take them all. Which of these weapons and their ammo will you take with you as your main priority?

a) The shotguns.

[b) The 9mm pistols.*]

c) The chainsaws.

d) The M240 Golf.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Always collect all the 9mm pistols and ammo you can get your hands on. The 9mm is the base of the survival arsenal: lightweight, big enough bullet, plenty of options in pistols manufactured in the US, low cost, and easy to find, replace, and shoot. C is the worst choice.

 

12. A zombie just bit you and you are pretty sure you are not immune. What should you do?

a) Hide in a closet with a bottle of whiskey, waiting for the Z-virus to kill you.

b) Hide your condition from the people around you because they will discriminate against the infected.

c) Chop off the part of your body that was bitten.

[d) Go out in a blaze of glory, taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find before you turn.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: I’m a true fan of the bottle of whiskey as a solution to most problems in a zombie apocalypse, so long as you have enough whiskey. But going ape-shit and taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find is a great and honorable way to offer your last service to this world. Hell, do it while totally hammered on the whiskey…that’s even better! C is the worst choice.

 

13. It’s easier to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are:

a) A total badass.

b) Friends with total badasses.

c) Not stupid.

[d) All the above.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid. If you are not a total badass yourself (work on this, while you have time), you should try to make friends with as many badasses as you can. Sometimes having friends who are badasses is better than being a badass because the badasses will have low expectations for you and you can sometimes get by on living up to your badass friends’ low expectations. I have my suspicions and some psychological research that suggests the amount of tolerance badasses will have for you will be directly and positively correlated to your level of attractiveness and perhaps your usefulness for other things.

 

14. In a zombie outbreak survival event, which of the following should be your main priority?

a) Finding food.

[b) Finding water.*]

c) Finding gold and jewels.

d) Finding shelter.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: During a zombie pandemonium you will find tons of people hoarding things they think are valuable. …Things like: cigarettes, booze, jewelry, Twinkies, TVs, Air Jordan basketball shoes, all sorts of useless things. People will actually fight and kill each other over these useless things. To survive a total pandemonium, you must have a source of clean water. If you think I’m wrong, I want you to get dressed in your Air Jordans, pack some cigarettes and booze and Twinkies, put on all your bling-bling, and pack a TV too, and then hike out to the deep woods and hang out for a while. If you don’t find a source of clean water quickly after hiking out, you will soon become a casualty and a permanent part of those woods especially in the hot, summer months. I would tell you to try this in a desert like the Joshua Tree National Park, but then I don’t really want anyone to die. You would die. I am a certified desert, jungle, and urban survivalist instructor (admittedly, I failed cold weather survival school due to injuries) and the first consideration of surviving in almost any climate is the availability of clean, drinkable water. You can live for less than three days without water in a hot, dry climate. Unfortunately water isn’t something that can be hoarded. More people will die in a total collapse of society from a lack of water than from almost anything else…except viruses and zombies and assholes of course.

 

15. Which of the following people are extra vulnerable in a zombie apocalypse?

[a) People with kids.*]

b) Healthy people who are current on their medical evals and who also get all their shots.

c) People who don’t wash their hands.

d) Assholes.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: In regards to a pandemic viral event, I said this before: “Prevention is the best cure. Get your flu shots (free in a lot of places), wash your hands often, stay the hell away from sick people, and watch out for kids. Kids are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak.” In a zombie apocalypse, I don’t want to describe for you how bad things will be for kids. It’s going to be bad for children and people with children. Kids will be a major vulnerability. I’m currently working with the outbreak authorities from FEMA, the CDC, and the FNS (Food and Nutrition Service) on a new zombie outbreak protocol where a large number of not-so-old-timer ZORT guys like me will join up to specifically go out into the apocalypse to rescue children and evacuate as many as we can and as often as we can back to a safe location off shore (I can’t tell you where – No, not Disney World Orlando!). Recognizing that children are this nation’s (and any nation’s) most valuable and vulnerable resource, this protocol is designed to protect and secure this resource. I can certify for you that there is no protocol to do likewise for rich people, Hollywood elites, industry elites, or sports superstars. There is, however, a similar protocol for academic elites, political elites, and our best and brightest scientists. For the children’s rescue protocol, do a Google search for “Operation Sandman AND CDC” and you may find the info to get your kids registered or other kids you know. Just be ready for a world where being a kid is not a good thing to be. Once the world goes to the dogs, you’ll also see a world-wide drop in birth rates and a drastic increase in infant and child mortality rates. It is estimated that in 1918 (Spanish Flu), the world-wide birth rate quickly dropped by at least 82%.

 

16. Which of the following myths are not true about zombies?

a) Zombies like to eat brains.

b) Zombies, for some strange reason, will attack Black people more than other people.

c) Zombies are not real.

[d) All the above myths are NOT true.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombies do not favor brains over other body parts. Zombies are not more likely to attack Black people or any other group of people…except maybe stupid people. Stupid people are like zombie magnets. Zombies are equal opportunity threats to all of us. However, I will share this again… Harvard researchers found that African Americans who are descendent of survivors of the slave passage, the journey African captives were forced to take by ship to get from Africa to the Americas where they were sold as slaves, are more resistant to the Z-virus than other people. The flu virus has an infectious rate of about 15% for those who come in contact with it. Z-virus has a rate of about 70% on average. For African Americans, the rate of infection by the flu virus is lower than for others and for the Z-virus, the infectious rate for African Americans is about 50% in otherwise healthy people. Researchers believe this is related to the high blood pressure and hypertension that is more prevalent in African descendants who survived the slave passage. The same factors that make African American more susceptible to high blood pressure and hypertension also make healthy African Americans mush more resistant to viruses. This may be where the myth that zombies won’t attack Black people comes from. Of course zombies are real.

 

17. A zombie horde is coming your way and you need to move. Which of the following is your best survival tactic in this situation?

a) Rig your shelter to remotely blow up if a zombie horde comes.

[b) Use stealth, speed, and distance to fall back to your back-up shelter.*]

c) Cover yourself in feces and zombie guts and goop and pretend to be a zombie.

d) Utilize every weapon and all the ammo and explosives in your arsenal to repel them to hang on to your shit for as long as you can.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: You should always use speed, stealth, and distance to avoid contact with zombies. You should always have a way out of your shelter. It’s not a good enough shelter if it doesn’t allow you a way to safely get the hell out of there in a mad dash. You need to always plan and have a back-up shelter to escape to. Never destroy your shelter; once the zombie horde moves on, you may be able to go back to it and get your shit. C is the worst choice…this idiotic idea doesn’t work! Zombies detect non-zombies by the pheromones we give off and by our electro-magnetic field (Yes! Like bees and sharks). This is the reason why even the best shelters eventually attract zombies. There is no way that I am aware of that you can reasonably mask yourself enough to fool a zombie. I am aware of one test subject at Texas A&M who was infected, recovered, and was thereafter not attractive to zombies. This seemed to suggest and support the basic theory of zombie motive, which is to infect and keep infecting. Zombies often may not be attracted to infected people. I’ll mention this test subject again later in subsequent books. His case is very interesting. There are zombie suits, like spacesuits, that are in use at Harvard and Texas A&M by researchers, which can at times make the researchers in the suits invisible to most zombies, but you won’t be able to depend on technology like this for your own survival needs in a standard zombie apocalypse.

 

18. A man approaches your compound and asks for sanctuary. You recognize him as Randall from the shoe store, a pothead with a bad attitude. What should you do?

a) Capture him and interrogate him for what he knows that could help you survive.

b) Shoot him.

c) Let him in; you can always make room for one more.

d) Give him some weapons and tell him he is on probation and will have to prove himself to remain a long-term member of your team.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: While I won’t say that b) is a bad choice, a) is just a better choice. Information is valuable in a zombie outbreak event. Then if you don’t like the results of the interrogation, you can choose another follow-up option. You owe no allegiance to anyone. If this degenerate can’t quickly demonstrate his value and ability to improve your chances of surviving, then you need to get rid of him. Sometimes these Occupy Wall Street losers have a come to Jesus moment in a crisis and they step up and become heroes. I wouldn’t bet on this potential. After ten minutes of interrogation I would know what to do next and I don’t plan on being nice at all in a zombie outbreak event. People I team with need to always pull their weight and make a positive contributions. Some people make a positive contribution when they join a team and some people make a positive contribution when they leave a team.

 

19. You enter an abandoned town. Where do you expect to find the best place to take shelter?

a) The police station.

[b) A movie theater.*]

c) A grocery store.

d) A church.

d) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Try the police station first. Try the movie theater next. Try the grocery store next. Try the church last. If you look around your town, take a look at the movie theater, the Costco, the Kroger, the police station. Make a mental note of how easy it would be to lock down these places/buildings to keep out zombies. Police stations are usually very defendable, but the problem is that you won’t be the only survivor with that idea. In most cases you will not be the first to think of this, so you need to be aware of other good options. Give thought to the movie theater. They usually are pretty easy to lock down too and they don’t have very many windows and doors. Plus you can usually find some kitchen type equipment and foods there.

 

20. You are searching the town and avoiding the zombies in the town. You find several places where things you may need are located. What should you do?

a) Grab as much as you can and bring it back to your shelter so you will never have to leave your shelter again.

[b) Mark where these things are located on a map, include the safest route to those locations, and begin making strategic plans for getting supplies when you need them.*]

c) Booby-trap each location to prevent others from taking your shit.

d) Quickly move to the next town because this is too good to be a good thing.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: A zombie apocalypse is not the time to become a hoarder. It’s much more strategic to mark the locations of various items and then to go get things as you need them. Even better, hide things so others won’t easily find them. This is also the smartest plan in case any one location is compromised, it won’t mean the end of the world for you. Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. I like the idea of booby-trapping locations, but mostly to deal with zombies. You can use simple booby-traps to let you know if zombies are nearby or if someone else has been to the location, but it’s generally not a good idea to booby-trap a place against people unless it’s one of your main shelters.

 

Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these 10 questions? If you suck, (you get more than two wrong out of ten or four wrong out of 20, and you didn't even hit on the second best answers) don’t worry. You can take the test again later. You can try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival books when you get the chance. That should help. Next I’ll cover the answers to questions 21 - 30.

 

21. Which of the following things can be eaten if you have to survive during a zombie apocalypse and there is no other food?

a) Bugs.

b) Rats.

c) Pets.

[d) All the above…if it moves you can probably eat it.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: I am a USMC survival instructor (plus escape and evasion) with certifications in jungle, desert, and urban survival. And yes, I failed the cold weather “arctic” survival course only due to injury and I never attempted the mountain survival course, but I’m sure I could have passed the mountain course too, if I went in the summer time. So, you can eat just about anything that moves…including road kill. There are a lot of things I don’t recommend the average Joe “wuss” try to eat, because getting nauseous and sick can be a game-ender just as fast as a zombie bite. With a mind for surviving in the worst environments, you need to have some idea of what “natural” things around you are fit for human consumption. A great resource to have handy is a locally produced survival guide with colorful pictures of all the plants and animals and preparation tips. The average Joe can go without eating for about a week before he or she starts to really lose their grip—two weeks before they start to really starve to death. In contrast, you really aren’t going to live much longer than a few days without water. This is why water is your primary resource to locate in the apocalypse. People are omnivores and can eat pretty much anything. Okay…I was once presented with a larger than hand-sized spider, grilled rotisserie style on a stick to eat in the Panama jungle (1989), and then and there I decided that I would never let eating a giant jungle spider ever be my only survival option. I didn’t eat the spider. Maybe if I had ground it up into a paste and mixed it with some beetles and grasses and dirt…yeah, maybe then I would eat it…no I wouldn’t. Lizard; yes – Snails; yes – Turtles; yes – Spiders; no (not me) – Skunks; no (not me) – People; never, not me. The point is, you need to have some idea now of what your tolerances are for odd things to eat. Find out now how tasty rats and crickets are. Find out now what tastes better raw compared to grilled. Find out now what tastes much better or not much better at all with Tabasco Sauce (the eat anything that moves secret weapon).

 

22. Which of the following survival skills is the most important in a pandemic zombie pandemonium event?

a) The ability to lead.

[b) Charisma and the ability to make friends.*]

c) The ability to cook.

d) The ability to treat wounds.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: When it comes down to personal traits that can make the difference between life and death when the shit hits the fan, having friends, making friends, and convincing people to help you, also known as Charisma, is pretty valuable. Your ability to create and navigate a dependable network of associates who are interested in your success will take you far in a zombie apocalypse. You may not be the best fighter, shooter, engineer, EMT, or cook, but if you have plenty of friends who are, that’s almost just as good. Sure, charisma factors into a lot of personal skills like leadership, negotiating, and conflict resolution. The person with negotiation skills tries to take advantage of market value to get the most for the least. The leader tries to get a number of people to follow them towards a set of goals. The person with charisma is skilled at getting something for almost nothing. You have to appreciate these differences. If you are not good at people skills, then make sure there is someone on your team, in your immediate network, who is.

 

23. In a classic pandemic zombie outbreak that piggy-backs a deadly pandemic flu event, what is more likely to kill you?

a) Zombies

[b) The flu*]

c) Kids

d) Bad guys; assholes

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: The flu is already one of the most deadly viruses year to year worldwide. Plenty of outbreak models from Harvard and other disease control centers show that a pandemic zombie outbreak just isn’t possible without a deadly pandemic flu outbreak. That’s good news—pandemic zombie outbreaks can’t sneak up on us. Before there’s a pandemic zombie outbreak, we will have a major deadly flu outbreak. Even after the pandemic zombie outbreak starts, the flu is still more likely to kill you than a zombie. Why? Zombies have to bite you to kill you. A deadly pandemic flu strain can just hover in the air, or wait on a door knob, or move person to person through routine contact, a kiss, a sneeze, and it will still be just as deadly after the zombie outbreak as it was before the zombie outbreak. The flu virus will take out most of us and the zombies will try to take out what’s left. I might even put zombies as third in line because sadly a lot of us will take each other out if the flu doesn’t get us. Also remember that the regular flu isn’t even that contagious and it still kills more than 500,000 people worldwide every year. It’s estimated that a mutant flu virus is lurking around out there somewhere waiting to attack. A mutated bird flu or swine flu could be 10 times more contagious than regular flu and 20 times deadlier because none of us have any immunities built up to it and there’s no current preventive vaccination protocols outside the military and the CDC. I am resistant to all forms of viral infections, so thank you Uncle Sam.

 

24. As a general zombie pandemonium survival rule, you should ALWAYS

a) Kill the zombie closest to you.

b) Shoot first and ask questions later.

c) Shoot any asshole that threatens your survival.

[d) All of the above.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: All of the above.

 

25. As a general zombie apocalypse survival rule, you should NEVER

a) Go out at night.

[b) Get married and have kids.*]

c) Shoot at things if you are not absolutely sure of what they are.

d) Leave the city.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: In a zombie apocalypse, you will have to go out at night often. You need to be ready often to shoot at things you may not be able to identify immediately, and you will want to leave the city as soon as possible. Survival in a zombie outbreak pandemonium is also about simplicity. If you can streamline your life, your lifestyle, your basic needs, then you are better suited to survive the end of the world. If you want to make surviving the zombie apocalypse harder than it already will be, maybe you relish the challenge, then go ahead and add the baggage of a spouse and kids. Of course, a kick-ass badass spouse helps your chances; kids almost always decrease your chances, unless they are older kids who can be badasses in training. Later on, I’ll have to do a separate PSA about surviving a zombie apocalypse if you have children with you. There is a way—a much harder way. There is some recent research on zombies and kids, but it’s not from a reputable source, because no reputable source would ever conduct zombie and children experiments. At least no reputable source other than the US government.

 

26. Which of the following statements is true about typical zombies?

a) Zombies can read your mind.

b) Zombies can’t dance.

c) Zombies are afraid of crucifixes and never enter holy ground like a church.

[d) Zombies have no emotions.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: This question is in regard to typical zombies, which are generally considered to be stage 2 and 3 zombies. We would have to write a whole other set of test questions about atypical zombies. Typical zombies have no emotions. “Listen, and understand. That zombies are out there. They can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pain, pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead or dying or infected.” You can’t shoot at a zombie’s feet and make it run away. Typical zombies cannot read your mind. In several recorded outbreaks, typical zombies have shown no higher level brain activity than that which is required to attack and bite to spread the Z-virus. However, zombies at all stages are sensitive to the EMFs (electromagnetic fields) generated by living things. Scientists at Texas A&M have proven than zombies at all stages are electroreceptive. In theory, all higher animals have latent mechanosensory electroreceptor potential, which was a precursor to developing evolved bioccular vision. I don’t want to take this discussion to deep, but when the earliest animals were developing billions of years ago, electroreception was the primary way to make your way around the primordial world. I hope that’s simple enough. This ability surfaces again in a Z-virus infected brain. The Z-virus compromises most of the brain’s functions, but in order for the zombie to have any chance of infecting and spreading the virus, its latent electroreceptor potential is amplified. So even if you wear your best camouflage and smell like a zombie, a fresh zombie will detect that your EMF is different than the zombies around it (old decayed zombies, less so). Like sharks are aware electrically to things in the water, zombies are sensitive/aware electrically to non-zombies. This ability later paired with heightened pheromone sensitivity in higher stage zombies (stage 4 through 6), which I discussed in a previous article, might make you think that zombies start to eventually exhibit an ability to read your mind. Well they just can’t, but what they can do is often better than reading your mind for what they intend to do to you. Of course it’s been proven that, zombies can dance if you play the right music. A dancer who becomes a zombie will sometimes dance if you play music. The best music was proven to be heavy metal (acid) head-banger music, which can make hordes of zombies twitch around to the rhythm erratically. So Michael Jackson’s Thriller is based on actual science. This can work as a zombie distraction if you are desperate. Zombies are not influenced by witchcraft, or symbology, or religious artifacts, race and gender biases, sports team affiliations, or political parties if you were wondering.

 

27. A friend is preparing for the impending global pandemic zombie outbreak. He constructs a safe shelter out of the storm shelter in his backyard. What’s wrong with his plan?

a) Storm shelters are designed to protect you from storms and not deadly pandemic viral events and zombie apocalypses.

b) Unless that storm shelter has at least a second and secret exit, it’s probably just going to be his tomb.

c) It’s in his backyard.

[d) All of the above highlight what’s wrong with this friend’s plan.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: If you live anywhere near tornado alley like I do, a storm shelter is a great and proven way to survive tornados and hurricanes. They are not designed to survive zombie apocalypses. The best zombie shelter will at least be in a remote location with multiple ways to get out or escape if necessary. I happened to catch the TV show Doomsday Preppers on National Geographic, which I recommend you watch to get some ideas. However, you need to appreciate how preparing for emergencies and natural disasters like earthquakes and even preparing for China to invade America because Obama sold us out (sarcasm) is just different from preparing for a global pandemic zombie apocalypse. The best shelters on this TV show look like small military forts and small prisons, whereas the best shelter in a zombie apocalypse just may be a small log cabin, high in the mountains.

 

28. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

[a) A boat.*]

b) The mountains.

c) A prison.

d) The sewers.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: The world is covered by a lot of water. A boat can take you places and zombies can’t swim or drive boats for that matter. I recommend a sail boat. Just remember that where ever you go, you will need clean drinking water. Seawater is not as easy to make into drinking water as you might think. You won’t be the only survivor who thinks boats are cool, so expect pirates and assholes on water. Obviously, the best shelter is the one you have, but you should always look for better shelters.

 

29. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a) A church.

b) A ranch.

c) A mall.

[d) A movie theater.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Look for a place that doesn’t have windows, that has a way in that you can block and defend, and has multiple ways to escape out of if something goes wrong. Of all these choices, the movie theater is the best choice. The next time you go to the movies, take a look around and make a note of how easy or hard it would be to make the building into your zombie survival shelter (one of them).

 

30. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a) A ten story building.

[b) A five story building.*]

c) A skyscraper.

d) A farm house.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: In looking for a shelter, try to find a place with hardly any windows and doors and with multiple floors. A multi-storied building is a great choice. Consider blocking off the entire first level and using a rope ladder to enter your building on the second floor. You could even make a rope swing from one building to another building as your way of getting into your shelter. Zombies can’t climb rope ladders or use rope swings. You also need to make sure this place has an easy escape plan, which is why I think the 5-story building is better than the 10-story building. If you are forced to shelter in the top of a skyscraper, consider a parachute as your escape plan.

 

Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these 10 questions? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival articles for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the meantime. Let’s keep going through the answers to questions 31 - 40.

 

31. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?

a) A cave.

b) The middle of the desert.

c) A tree house.

[d) None of these are great choices.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: None of these are great choices. Keep looking or be ready to die very soon.

 

32. You need to become a badass before the zombie apocalypse comes. Where should be the first place you go to get training in badassery?

[a) The United States Marine Corps.*]

b) The US Navy.

c) The US Coast Guard.

d) The US Air Force.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: The USMC focuses on infantry tactics and warfare as demonstrated by its doctrine that every Marine is a rifleman (an infantry warrior first). All Marines in every job from butchers and bakers to candlestick makers to administrators to mechanics, men and women receive training as combat riflemen first before they are trained in any other jobs. All USMC officers receive advanced combat platoon commander training. There are plenty of historic examples of an assortment of Marines from odd jobs like aircraft mechanics and cooks forming combat ranks to repel enemy forces whenever and wherever necessary. This doctrine is very similar to what you heard King Leonidas describe in the movie 300. The Greek regular army of 10,000 showed up and Leonidas stated that he had more soldiers (300) than had arrived with the Greek army. The movie is pure fictionalized history, but I describe it here just to give you some pretext to the Marine Corps’ ethos of baddassery. The other military branches, National Guard units, police forces, and plenty of civilian “hobbyist groups” (also known as militias or civil defenses) have plausible schools of badassery and survival training options. But looking at the options above, you need to know that as a US Marine, you will be issued a combat assault rifle on the first day of boot camp and if you can’t handle a combat assault rifle we kick you out. While in other service branches, you may not get to train to fire a gun throughout your entire enlistment. Why would a radar technician in the Air Force need weapons training? On the other hand, Marines can’t become radar technicians until after they pass their weapons and combat training; men and women and that’s just absolute badass.

 

33. So… you are not qualified to join the military. Which of the following is the best option for getting some other good training in badassery?

a) The boot camp cardio class at your local gym.

[b) The Boy Scouts.*]

c) YouTube videos.

d) A martial arts class.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: It’s not as easy to join the US military as people often think. Thank God for intelligence tests, medical evaluations, and background checks. When entrance requirements are relaxed and riff-raff are allowed to fill the ranks of the military, the country delivers a faulty product. However, alternatives to military training include The Boys Scouts, local first responders, civilian “hobbyist” (Yippie Ky Yaaay! Mexico will never invade Texas again!), police departments, and the often overlooked ROTCs of high schools and universities. I served as a combat instructor for the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. Plenty of these high spirited young people became badasses right there in College Station, Texas and some of them later joined the military, but most did not. My students gave me the call-sign, “Mustafa” the African God of War. Ahhhh…the memories. So, I have a high degree of respect for The Boy Scouts and ROTCs; therefore, you should too. Stay away from hate groups, anti-government groups, doomsday cults, and terrorist training opportunities. A lot of these groups are illegal to join and it will be much harder to survive the zombie apocalypse if your mind is full of the kind of crap you get from groups like these. According to my code, people in these groups are high on the list of get-rid-of-them-first-before-they-get-you in a zombie apocalypse. You also need to remember how assholes have an exponential effect on the suffering of those around them and multiple assholes are infinitely worse. Asshole cults and racists hate groups will screw up survival and eventually get what’s coming to them when the world turns to shit.

 

34. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

a) Getting healthy and fit.

b) Collecting weapons and practicing with them.

c) Cardio.

[d) All of the above.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you are out of shape and unhealthy. Inventory your personal health and work on getting healthier. Go see your doctor. Unhealthy, out of shape people have very low survivability in any pandemic event and an extremely low survival rate in a zombie apocalypse. I’d like to suggest another important thing you can do to be better prepared… Kick all of your bad habits. Do you like to drink colas or alcohol? Do you smoke? Do you crave pizza and fried chicken? Do you crave Starbucks? Do you use, or are you addicted to pain killers, marijuana, or other drugs? A pandemic zombie outbreak is one hell of a rehab opportunity—one hell of an intervention. You won’t want your nicotine or booze addiction to put you in situations where you make stupid choices. So kick your bad habits now before you are forced to. The less dependent on insignificant things you are, the better. If you have a substance abuse problem get the help you need now. It’s much better to go into a zombie apocalypse clean and sober than otherwise.

 

35. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

[a) Seeing your doctor for a medical evaluation physical and getting current on your vaccinations.*]

b) Scoring (you know…getting busy) with as many people as you possibly can.

c) Supporting the NRA.

d) All of the above.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: You should be doing a whole lot more, but getting healthy and current on your immunizations is somewhere near the top of the before the zombie apocalypse gets here “To Do” list. B doesn’t even make my list. C is the worst choice. Don’t send your money to the NRA. You need your money. Although recently the NRA began hosting zombie outbreak preparedness events and so maybe you should consider attending these sorts of events; just make sure you are using your money to get ready and to buy things you will need. An NRA membership card during a zombie apocalypse is worth less than a few strips of used toilette tissue. If you want to give away money, send it to me, buy my books, follow me on Twitter, and help a brotha out.

 

NRA & Zombies

 

36. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you avoid doing at all costs?

a) Avoid playing zombie video games and watching bad zombie movies because these are a waste of time.

[b) Avoid making babies… having kids… getting pregnant because kids are a major apocalypse survival liability.*]

c) Avoid paying your taxes and supporting your government because the apocalypse will be here before the IRS catches up to you.

d) Avoid stocking up on “the little things” that will help you get through the apocalypse.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Survival in a zombie outbreak pandemonium is about simplicity. If you can streamline your life, your lifestyle, your basic needs, then you are better suited to surviving the end of the world. Over complicate your life and you die. If you want to make surviving the zombie apocalypse harder than it already will be, maybe you relish the challenge, then go ahead and add the baggage of pregnancy and kids. While you’re at it add in a substance abuse problem just for the challenge. Children are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. They don’t listen when you tell them to keep quiet and still. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak, let alone a pandemic zombie outbreak. Kids almost always decrease your survival chances, until they become older kids who can be badasses in training. The good thing about older kids is that they can be very helpful and they tend to be very loyal to their parents in the worst do-or-die situations. Just make sure your older kids are getting some survival practice. Make them join the Boy Scouts. Make them participate in survival themed sports like martial arts and distance running. In a zombie apocalypse, kids can make good scouts. Give the kid a two-way radio, send him or her to the top of a tall building, and let them be your eyes in the sky as you make your way through the zombie infested city in search of food and water. Youths because of the flexibilities in their skeletons and muscles tend to make great snipers. Get them some practice while you can.

 

37. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you be doing?

a) Running in zombie themed races.

b) Researching zombies in the media: movies, video games, YouTube, and Van Allen’s Zombie Outbreak Survival guides.

c) Stashing all the hard cash you can get into a safe place, like under your mattress.

[d) A and B.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: C is the worst choice. Cash, jewelry, and bling bling will be useless in a zombie apocalypse. I’m predicting booze will become a new currency. You should stockpile some. Also badassery will definitely become a great currency. Stockpile that if you can and/or stockpile friends who are badasses.

 

38. Which of these sports teaches the most relevant skills for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a) Baseball because it teaches you to swing hard and run fast.

[b) Football because it teaches hard-hitting grit, persistence, leadership, and teamwork.*]

c) Soccer because there’s a lot of pointless and frantic running around.

d) Mixed Martial Arts because it teaches you how to kick someone’s ass.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Football is a great activity for making yourself and/or your kids better prepared for the zombie apocalypse. MMA is not the worst choice because you will want to know some hand-to-hand close combat moves in a zombie apocalypse; however, you won’t last long if you think taking a zombie down to the mat for an arm-bar hold is a good idea. Kick-boxing is a great alternative. I do like the part of baseball where you swing real hard at stuff and run and throw stuff. I also like the part of tennis where you dart back and forth swinging at things. Soccer, hockey, frisbee, and golf are completely useless. Drop these sports and pick one of the above to spend your time learning.

 

39. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a. The defensive linemen.

b. The cornerbacks.

c. The cheerleaders.

[d. The linebackers.*]

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Linebackers are usually meatier, buffer, and balanced around intelligence, strength, and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a fight. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, and endurance, mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Ray Lewis. Think Bill Romanowski. Think the late great Junior Seau. Avoid thinking of Bobby Boucher (pronounced Boo-Shay) from the movie The Waterboy.

 

40. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

a. The offensive linemen.

b. The wide receivers.

c. The quarterbacks.

[d. The fullbacks.*]

e. None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Fullbacks may be even better than linebackers because they usually come with the added skills of being able to catch, throw, and dodge collisions. Fullbacks are also usually meatier, buffer, and balanced around strength, intelligence, and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a defense to see if they can bust through it. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, endurance, badassery mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Larry Csonka. Think Earl Campbell. Think Daryl “Moose” Johnston. Think Franco Harris. I will concede that there are some very impressive non-fullbacks to admire: Tony Dorsett, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson for running backs, and Jason Witten, Tony Gonzales, Shannon Sharpe, and Mike Ditka for tight ends, and think Howie Long, Deacon Jones, and Bruce Smith for defensive ends. As for quarterbacks? …Okay, I expect the zombie apocalypse would bring out Tim Tebow’s inner warrior and inner leader. He’s kind of impressive for a lousy quarterback.

 

Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these questions? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival guides for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival guides in the meantime.

 

The Federal Government’s plans for dealing with outbreaks

 

Office of Personnel Management guidance on pandemics

Also search here for the ongoing Federal plan to immunize specific government employees.

 

Next, let’s cover the answers to questions 41 – 50.

 

41. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

a) World War Z by Max Brooks.

b) The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell.

c) The Bible.

[d) All the above.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Reading all of the books in this list should be of some help to you in a zombie apocalypse. Don’t forget that The Bible actually describes zombie outbreaks. I mentioned before that about 2000 years ago a certain Christian deity is described in The Bible as having been killed and then three days later, coming back to life. Jesus is one of the most famous walking dead ever written about in modern or ancient history. There, I said it again. See also Zechariah 14:12: “And the LORD will send a plague on all the nations that fought against Jerusalem. Their people will become like walking corpses, their flesh rotting away. Their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouths. They will become eaters of flesh and spreaders of disease and pestilence. They shall bring about the fall of many nations.” Hey, that’s in The Bible. Fact!

 

42. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

a) The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

b) Fit for Combat: When Fitness is a Matter of Life and Death by JD Johannes and Nita Marquez.

c) The Book on Zombie Outbreak Survival by Van Allen.

[d) All the above.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Read as much as you can. In the zombie apocalypse, knowledge will become a new currency. The smarter you are, the more important it will be to keep you alive. You’ll thank me later when you finish the Navy Seal Survival Guide and the Green Beret Combat Manual when you know all the different ways to treat frostbite, when you know all the different parts of a beaver that can be used to make tools, when you know all the parts of a deer that you have to avoid eating, when you know of an impressive number weapons that can be made out of car parts, when you know how to make booby-traps and bombs using common household items and chemicals, and when you show great poise and confidence during a zombie apocalypse.

 

Check here for your zombie outbreak survivalist reading needs (Zombie Apocalypse). Be sure to check your favorite book store for zombie survival eBooks and download them onto your cell phone or iPad or eBook reader. Stop watching videos on your device of precocious cats playing piano and flipping out when they see their reflection. You need to get ready. Make some note cards. That will help.

 

43. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1, which of the following is a bad move?

a) You are all alone and you find a seriously injured dog trapped in a bad guy’s booby-trap, so you take the time to rescue this dog and care for it.

[b) You are all alone and you find a survivor with her own, shelter, ammo, weapons, supplies, and a great plan for survival, so you team up.*]

c) You are all alone and you find a survivor and you give her some of your supplies, weapons, and ammo.

d) You are all alone and you like it that way.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1 basically says, “No one’s survival is more important than my own.” It also tells you to avoid acting like a hero, because you are not trained to be a hero. I am. Still, I’m not going to rescue an animal unless that animal increases my chances of survival. Animal rescue is never a good move during a zombie outbreak. I’ve known a few badass Marines who would dive on a grenade to save a kitten. This sort of heroism has to be trained out of some people. It’s a question of value. Does the danger and risk you will face warrant saving this thing or person? B is the best move of the ones listed here. D has its merits, but only the greatest survivalists have much of a real chance to survive zombie pandemonium as a solo act. Drill Instructor Sergeant Pratt who trained me back in 1985, a Force Recon Marine, strikes me as the kind of guy who could do it solo. An old friend of mine named Master Sergeant Matos, a retired senior instructor from the Navy Seal School in Coronado could definitely survive solo. Another friend of mine, Corporal Pacheco, a former Marine Scout Sniper on our ZORT squad could also do it, but he had a touch of compulsive anti-social psychological trouble before he left the Marines, just the sort of oddness that would definitely increase his chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse alone. I know Pacheco got recruited to train rebels somewhere in the Central American jungles, and I’m not allowed to talk about him, publically. Sergeant Major Jeff Morin, (Google him) now this guy…of all the badasses I have ever served with, he is the badass of badasses, the Michael Jordan of badasses. Your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse are improved just because you happen to be in the same county as he’s in. I think he’s probably living somewhere in Virginia if he hasn’t retired to the remote luxury log house he was designing the last time I worked with him. We served on a zombie outbreak response team together back in 1999.

 

44. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2, which of the following is a good move?

a) A man waiving a white flag approaches your safe shelter and asks you to come out to talk. He claims he is unarmed. You notice he is wearing the remnants of a prison uniform. He says he needs your help. You ignore him and then shoot him through the eye with your M14/M1A when he gets too close. You then wait for darkness and evacuate to your back up shelter.

b) A small group of men are horribly mistreating some survivors. You get the drop on them before they can get to their weapons. They ask you to cut them some slack; the world went to shit; the old rules don’t apply; you can join their gang if you let them live. You shoot them all, and interrogate the survivors to see what else they know. Then you release the survivors. You confiscate most of the bad guys’ weapons ammo, and supplies.

c) After many months of surviving the zombie apocalypse, you corner a zombie that can speak. It begs you to spare it. You decide to ask it some questions to see what it knows.

[d) All of the above are good moves except C.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2 says, “Shoot first and ask questions later.” It also says, “When in doubt, shoot it out.” Rule #2 can be thought of as the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Golden Rule: Shoot unto others before they shoot unto you ~OR~ He who shoots first usually gets to keep making the rules. In a zombie pandemonium, you just have to have a better sense of the evil that men do. And since when do you try to have a conversation with a strangely acting zombie? As far as you are concerned, during a zombie pandemonium the only good zombie is a dead zombie. Leave the “let’s study zombies so we can better understand their motivations” nonsense to the experts. You’ll find people who think that everyone deserves a second chance in a zombie apocalypse. You will need to ignore your What Would Jesus Do instincts, at least temporarily. Nice guys definitely finish last (die first) in a zombie apocalypse, unless they get with the program and save niceties and civility for long after the zombie apocalypse is over.

 

45. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 and #4, which of the following is a bad move?

[a) You are all alone and in a very safe place. A large group of survivors appears to have formed a well-run operation. They are looking to reestablish order. They reach out to you and other survivors and invite you to join them in their compound and help them rebuild society, but you will have to play by their rules once you join. You accept their offer.*]

b) You are all alone and low on food and ammo. You come across a survivor compound and you observe them for a while. You see some abusive and vile things going on in the compound. The leader appears to be psychotic. You intend to approach them and ask for shelter because you are impressed with how many good things they have inside their compound.

c) You recruit other survivors to join your survival network and you soon have a number of safe places to go for shelter.

d) You come across a small group of survivors. They do not have good leadership. They are barely surviving. They are good-hearted and tough, but they have low skills. You decide to teach them some of your survival skills. You stay with them until they develop into a much better fighting and survival group.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 and mainly Rule #4 both say, “Build a survival coalition, league, union, partnership, or alliance.” A is the best option. C is not a bad option, but if you form a loose coalition, those members could turn on you and will likely give away all your secrets as soon as they run into some real assholes. D is not a bad option either, but a group like this decreases your chances of survival at first and then increases your chances of survival in the long run. You’ll have to weigh things out when the time comes. The worst move is joining a coalition of psychotics; a coalition of evil. Evil sometimes looks good. You have to see past appearances if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse. A lot of people will face the ultimate test of their personal integrity and morality during a zombie apocalypse. Would you rather die honorably or live with psychotics and evil people? When your principles and moral compass fail to provide you with shelter, water, food, and security, will you abandon your personal code and do what you have to just to live another day? Will you tolerate evil people to survive another day? Maybe the best strategy is to accept that an evil coalition is better than no coalition. Maybe the best strategy is to join the evil coalition with a plan to change it from the inside. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen or heard of good people changing evil groups from the inside. I’ll use the great basketball coach, John Calipari’s analogy. “All it takes is one speck of poop to ruin an entire bucket of ice cream. Likewise, there is no amount of ice cream you can add to a bucket of poop to make it anything more than a bucket of poop.” This means if you have a good coalition (ice cream), never let a speck of poop (bad people or weak people or evil people) in the door. If you are a good person (ice cream), you have to appreciate that there is no number of good people you can add to an evil coalition (a bucket of poop) that will turn that coalition into ice cream. Keep poop out of your ice cream and don’t add your ice cream to a bucket of poop. You should throw out the contaminated ice cream and start over even though plenty of people will fight with you to the end trying to convince you that tainted ice cream with only a speck of poop in it is still pretty good ice cream. I hope this helps.

 

Prevention is the best cure…Did you get a flu shot yet?

 

Flu Outbreak News

 

46. According to the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rules, which of the following is a bad move?

a) You have marked your map showing all the best places in your zombie infested town where there is food, shelter, and weapons. You’ve also marked places to avoid because there are bad guys in your town too.

b) You found a room in the upper floor of a three-story building where you can make a nice shelter. You spend a couple of days there making it safe and planning and practicing quick escapes. You are pretty sure no zombies can get into this place. It has a nearby source of water. You don’t stay there long. You mark your map and now start looking for another safe place to shelter.

c) You come across a survivor who is seriously injured. His friends left him here to die. He says he was bitten and he feels the fever starting. He doesn’t expect to survive. He asks you to shoot him now. You first get him to tell you everything he knows…where his shelter is…who his friends are/were…the location of anything you can use to help you. You then you suffocate him and then chop into his head.

[d) All of these are pretty good moves in a zombie apocalypse. None of these violates The Rules*].

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #3 says, “Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies. These are the survival priorities in this precise order. Once you go into survival mode, you should work on these priorities. After this, you can seek: 6. Eradication of zombies – 7. Restoration of order – and 8. Rebuilding society.” When you’ve gotten your flu shot, when you’ve made proactive plans for survival, when you’ve survived the pandemic flu, and where you have exceptional shelter, where you have access to lots of weapons and ammo, where there’s plenty of clean water, where you’ve got dependable food, and where you’ve got supportive allies, then here is where you will have a better chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse, but inevitably you will likely die anyway. It’s the struggles along the way that color your life.

 

47. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5, which of the following is a good move?

[a) Building a fire in a way that zombies and other bad guys cannot see it.*]

b) Stockpiling 9mm pistols and 9mm ammo.

c) Leaving the keys to a working vehicle in the ignition because zombies can’t start cars and you don’t want to be fumbling with keys when you need to make a quick getaway.

d) All of these are good moves according to Rule #5

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #5 says, “Don’t go out at night.” While all of B and C are good moves, they do not pertain to Rule #5. Rule #5 is a rule I insisted on adding because in too many zombie movies you see people getting attacked at night. Why? Because to Hollywood it’s just psychologically more frightening and dramatic to show zombies attacking at night. You can also hide bad zombie make-up if you film at night and in other low light conditions. In reality, you are just as likely to get attacked by zombies either during the day time or during the night time. The trick is to make a plan to shelter down at night. By this, I mean you want to use night time for what it’s evolutionarily supposed to help you with; rest and recovery. Several studies report that later stage zombies can operate better at night. They develop keener senses that help them locate and attack targets. Typical zombies have all their senses, which are not any keener at night than otherwise. Survivalists should keep in mind that zombies are attracted to people through more than just the basic levels of sense and perception. They can sense where you might be. So it is a given fact that when you shelter down at night, you should expect zombies nearby when you finally wake up. This makes people think, makes people feel that zombies are more likely to attack either just after dusk or especially right before dawn, but that’s just a perception. Zombies will have had all night to locate you and even typical zombies can locate the best hiders with enough time. So, it’s good to use decoys at night, like a pet pig that you keep or something like that which is kept in a container that zombies can’t get into and this way the typical zombies are really attracted to the pig while you can keep quiet all night. They just may never notice you, if you’re smart.

 

48. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #6, which of the following is a bad move?

a) Setting fire to zombies.

[b) Going sleeveless and wearing short pants.*]

c) Scaring your friends by pretending to be a zombie.

d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #6.

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule# 6 says, “Dress for success.” All of these are bad moves, but only B pertains to Rule #6. Here I must ask again, how many Hollywood movies have you seen with scantily clad babes running through the jungle, with jiggly wiggly college coeds running through a combat zone, with half-naked buxom hussies frolicking through a disaster area, with goofy bodacious half-dressed bimbos bouncing around a zombie apocalypse, all paired with men, perhaps fully dressed and combat ready male survivors eagerly helping these daisy-dukes wearing cheerleading squad rejects who can barely keep their tops from falling down or their shorts from riding up to high? Okay, first of all, I get it. Sometimes after I rewind these zombie movie scenes showing these hot babes two or three times or more and sometimes play them in slow motion, I’m left shaking my head. I’m not saying they should stop making these movies. I am saying that if YOU are the kind of person who would run through the jungle, scamper through the combat zone, traipse through the disaster scene, and/or scurry through the urban zombie apocalypse dressed like you are ready for a game of beach volleyball, you will die. I, on the other hand, have a nice collection of motorcycle racing suits, combat fatigues, leather, and denim, to include gloves, goggles, helmets, elbow and knee pads, and face masks to go to work in during the zombie apocalypse.

 

49. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7, which of the following is a bad move?

a) Going back into the heart of a zombie infested big city just to see if anyone from your family survived.

b) Staying in the city because it’s warmer than going out into the wilderness.

c) Staying in the city because you would rather deal with zombies than deal with the crooked assholes outside the city.

[d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #7.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #7 says, “Get out of town.” I just watched the movie Contagion, which was sponsored by the CDC, and which is one of the best pre-zombie apocalypse movies I have ever seen. When you watch that movie again, think about the potential of a pandemic zombie outbreak starting right at about Day 30 of the pandemic flu outbreak (the last few minutes of the movie). Watch how quickly social services become depleted, watch how quickly people become desperate, watch how quickly the world appears to become hopeless, and then right at the moment of sprouting hope at finding a vaccine for the deadly flu, ask yourself if now is when the zombie outbreak reports should start rolling in. Of course Contagion ends before we hear that the local National Guard has responded to a series of mass hysteria cannibalism riot incidents; this is what we ZORT people call Z-Day. Shit is going to get bad real quick after this! And in the news today I saw more CDC reports about how we keep having bigger and bigger flu outbreaks over the last ten years. But wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah… Getting out of town. In a pandemic outbreak, the big cities are the most vulnerable places. The bigger the town, the bigger the risk. In the earliest stages of an outbreak, the government will encourage social distancing: staying away from sick people. So get your flu shot, wash your hands, stay away from sick people, telework if you can, and have a pandemic plan for where you can go to get away from the city and know when is the best time to go. The main people in the Contagion movie waited too late to try to get out of town. The National Guard quarantined all the big cities and blocked people from leaving. Remember: after a certain point, the best government outbreak response is to let the outbreak run its course. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of our government’s outbreak containment protocols. You definitely don’t want to be on the wrong side of our government’s aggressive zombie outbreak containment protocols.

 

50. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8, which of the following is a bad move?

a) Joining a rule-free hippie compound that celebrates the end of society and that is anti-government, anti-establishment, and pro-narcotics in a consequence free environment.

b) Networking with other survivors to create a decision-making approach to long-term survival and mutual support and then violating that network for your own selfish reasons.

c) Disrespecting these words attributed to Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief:

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and

demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life,

beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and

its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,

even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and

bow to none. When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the food and

for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks,

the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and nothing,

for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts

are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes

they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again

in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

[d) All of these are bad moves according to Rule #8.*]

e) None of these because zombies are not real.

 

Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #8 says, “You must protect your government.” This rule may surprise you. It’s in here because Z-Day is the start of a war against the Z-virus. Z-virus thrives on social confusion. You must protect your government, support it, and grow it. This gives you and everyone else the best chance of long term survival. Because stumbling bumbling zombies are not the worst of your worries in a pandemic zombie outbreak, you need to quickly form into strong communities and start taking the war to the Z-virus. The zombie hives are coming! Are you and your merry band of misfits ready to save the world? Well I’ll do what I can. It sure would be nice to have some help. Much to my chagrin, assholes, idiots, and wimpy people have no limitations on their rates of sexual reproduction. For most of them, when it’s their time to go, it’s their time to go. You are reading my articles and taking my tests and hopefully following my guidance, so you should, yeah, you will be okay.

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

Final Word

 

Well my dear friends, that’s a wrap on the answers to the 50-questions for my The Definitive Zombie Apocalypse Survival Test. Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival guides frequently until the start of the Pandemic flu outbreak. Look for my content on YouTube. Look for me on podcasts. Read my blog. Follow me on Twitter and Facebook and I’ll let you know when I appear on TV or consult with a government agency or for any zombie movies, TV shows, or video games. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival guides in the meantime. Come back and try this test again later and see if it’s all clearer by then. Be sure to use scratch paper and show your work.

 

Next, I think I’ll try some new zombie ideas you’ve probably never seen before and also continue the discussion on tactics and strategies. Thanks for reading my guides. I know I’m not the nicest guy in the world or the best writer. I know I’m not going to win a prize or impress the ladies. I’m just trying to save the world with what I got, while I can.

 

Prevention is the best cure…Did you get a flu shot yet?

Do you wash your hands each and every time after using the restroom?

Do you use hand sanitizer randomly during the day?

Do you hug on and love on sick people?

Do you have children who are worthless or have a negative impact on you in a pandemic event?

See… that’s what I mean! I’m very disappointed in you.

 

Resources:

The World Health Organization (WHO)

CDC Zombie Preparedness

[+ FEMA Zombie Preparedness+]

[+ Pentagon Zombie Preparedness+]

[+ Department of Defense Zombie Preparedness+]

US Navy Zombie Readiness

Zombie Research Society

[+ Japan Zombie Preparedness+]

[+ China Zombie Preparedness+]

[+ Crystal Meth Zombies+]

 

Lieutenant Samuels, another short squatty, green-bean skinny, golden haired, blue-eyed, West Point graduate, an odd Officer with a double degree in Physics and Chemistry (ZORT Command seems to attract the odd ones) submitted this short write-up to the CDC after his private ZORT team (under contract with the State of Nebraska) responded to a zombie outbreak intervention. These notes have not been edited.

 

4/21/2001

Zombie Response Team

I get a call from a man who is the mayor of a small town near a suspected unauthorized Z-facility. He says, “I understand you are a zombie hunter.” I say, “Yes, you could say that.” The man says they have a zombie problem in their town and they are hoping I can come out and get rid of the zombies for them. I ask the man a few questions. He described the matter and it sounded like a routine minor zombie event. Because in some cases, the CDC would have to be notified. The man says he is hoping the CDC does not have to be notified. That maybe I can keep this all under the radar. He will pay double the fee if I keep this under the radar. I tell him I’ll see when I get there.

I look up the man and the town in the ZRT database and it shows clean, but in our briefings last week we added a routine check of the town and a facility that should have been processing chicken, but reportedly no trucks come and go from the facility and there are no live chickens at the facility. We try to keep track of Z-virus episodes and outbreaks and offenders.

We negotiate the price and I head out. When I get to the small town, I find that this is not a minor zombie event. There is a small horde of zombies. The man and the town’s people authorized a foreign lab in their town and the lab was working on zombies. I killed one of the zombies. I just happened to bring a detector kit with me. The new CDC kits use salivary diagnostics for virus detection with an emphasis on rapid detection of infection. In the salivary diagnostic, looking for unnatural immunodeficiency viruses, the kit showed positive for mutant strains of hepatitis C virus, human papillomavirus, and Z-virus. I noted that the final check for oral mucosal transudate contained secretory immunoglobulin (Ig) A, as well as IgM and IgG, which should have indicated nothing on an immunodiagnostic-based test, but it did.

I’m really pissed because the man lied to me. These zombies were laboratory enhanced.

They run faster and are much more aggressive and violent. Some of the zombies are carrying weapons like clubs, sticks, bats, two-by-fours, and yard equipment. These zombies try to duck and hide when you shoot at them. These are higher level 2 zombies. Mutated lab level 2 and above zombies have been known to produce hives. So that makes this is a level 4 out of 5 outbreak event. At level 4 if the outbreak event cannot be contained, then we detonate a nuclear device.

If I had known the truth, I would have brought my whole team and maybe we could have contained this, but it’s Easter weekend. I tell the people I find that we have 30 minutes to get as far away from here as possible. Those who cannot be helped are being left behind. There are some hard choices to make. But honestly I really couldn’t care less if everyone in the town died. Stopping the outbreak is the primary concern. The town is set to blow.

So I am shooting and fighting and shooting to get out of town. I make it out of town and then the town goes up behind us. But there is someone in the vehicle with us who is hiding a zombie bite. I don’t know this until we get back to a safe town. My zombie team meets me at the safe town. I am stripped and checked. Then I order everyone quarantined at gun point and to strip so we can check them out and inspect them for infection.

There is a young mother and she is breastfeeding her baby. The baby is infected and so is she. I shoot them both and then call the CDC to give my full report.

 

I wrote this test to give you a little taste of the looming apocalypse. I already know you suck. Now you know you suck. I already know the average US Marine fails this test. Think about it. You sucked at the written test of zombie outbreak survival. What do you think would happen in the practical application field test that ZORT members have to pass? Pass? They have to survive it. What do you think would happen in the real no shit meat grinder when the shit hits the fan? At least now you know and now you can start to do something about it because the more of you who get ready now, the easier my job will be later.

 

{Return to Table of Contents}

About the Author

 

I’m a former Captain in the US Marines. In my 21-year military career, I developed expertise in both combat training and criminal investigations. I have served as a Senior Investigator, Legal Advisor, Recruiting Officer, Civil Rights Investigator, and Program Director. While in the Marines, I completed a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University. Later I completed a Masters in I/O Psychology from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Originally from Houston, Texas and currently residing in Frisco, Texas, I fancy myself a secret physics, statistics, and data nerd. I’m also known today for being a part-time tennis strategy and coaching genius…by my kids…sometimes. If you ever want to talk about business strategies, criminal law, or zombies and conspiracy theories, drop me a line.

 

Thank you for reading my books. If you enjoyed this book, please leave positive reviews with your favorite eBook retailers.

~Van Allen

 

www.VanAllenFiction.com

[email protected]

Follow on Twitter @GrProject43X

Follow on FaceBook/VanAllen

Screaming Weasel Productions

 

Previously Published

Business:

Hire the Right People and Win Big

Workplace Bullying: A Growing Epidemic

Fiction:

Bear

Zombie Outbreak Survival Guide

I Tawt I Taw a Putty Tat

Memoirs:

Jasper and Van

The Old Man in the Hospital

The Secret Society of the Great Pumpkin at Texas A&M

 

Coming soon:

A Civil Rights Case Study – A tell-all case study from a recent investigation

Van’s First Bike – A memoir about my first bike

Zombie Outbreak Survival: Fitness Training

Clicker – Alien Invasion (full-length novel due in 2017)

 

Ongoing collaborations with other new writers…such as: ePublicity Writers Group, www.JacquelineJKing.com, Katherine Jackson @2b1luv1, Ashleigh J. Allen, and Marco Dovezenski @MarcoDovo.

 

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Van Allen

Copyright 2016 Van Allen

Distributed by Shakespir


Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Retired US Marine Captain Van Allen shares survival tips to help you get ready for a REAL zombie apocalypse. Forget what you see on TV, in the movies, and on video games. If you want to live, if you care about your family, children, this world, then you need to read every thing Captain Allen shares. When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and you find yourself right in the middle of a full-blown Z-virus outbreak, up to your armpits in zombies and crazed survivors, you need to know what to do. That's what I will share in this ongoing series of public service announcements (PSAs). Follow me as I cover the real information you will need to survive a real zombie apocalypse. Just remember; I'm Captain Allen and you're not! What makes this the definitive test? Because the word "definitive" is in the title. Now quick dickin around asking dumb questions and read this book so you and your family, friends, and loved ones might have a chance to survive the coming waves of zombies, a$$holes, and panicked survivors. This isn't a zombie story or a post apocalyptic novel. This book is real! It’s about what you need to know about zombies to survive. There’s no heroes and villains. There’s no zombie love story...well okay I do talk about zombie love, but what I have to say is all science.

  • ISBN: 9781370303915
  • Author: Van Allen
  • Published: 2016-11-03 05:05:13
  • Words: 46550
Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test