[[You might be called an
old-fashioned Southerner if…]]


Mikell Keeth

Copyright © 2016 by Mikell Keeth






You might be called an old-fashioned Southerner if…


…you think stupid should be declared a debilitating disease but are afraid to say so because you don’t want to give the Obama administration any new ideas to pass on to Hilary in case Trump doesn’t win. Social security is already insolvent enough without a new disability that millions would surely qualify for.


…you wish money actually did grow on trees but quickly realize it wouldn’t solve the problems of the poor in this country because somebody would have to make the effort to climb the tree.


…you believe Hilary Clinton has clearly demonstrated through her actions and track record in politics over the past 30 years that she is one of the most qualified women in America to serve the next 8 years…in prison.


…you believe the five major food groups consists of grits, eggs, bacon, a homemade (not canned) biscuit and coffee.


…you point out that Barrack Obama truly is an equal opportunity President because of the 12,000,000 new welfare/food stamp recipients who have went from work to welfare during his administration, many of them are white.


…for the first time in your life you are no longer proud of your country.


…you believe a woman’s right to choose is limited to birth control pills, condoms, IUDs and abstinence. Oh, and you could add oral sex if you are a Bill Clinton fan.


…you wish the black dude that got his 15 minutes of fame by creating the rap, “Pants on the Ground,” actually had some influence.


…you believe that elected officials are public servants and should not be entitled to the “Cadillac” health care benefits they now receive and instead should have to purchase the ridiculously expensive plans with pathetic benefits and outrageous out of pocket expenses that they voted for the rest of us to have.


…you believe the disproportionate number of blacks incarcerated actually reflects the disproportionate number of blacks committing crimes.


…you have no reservations about tearing your whinny, smart-mouth kid’s ass up, right in the middle of Kmart.


…you understand that the $60,000 per year job you had in 2006 and the $12 per hour job you have today statistically means you are employed, but the mainstream media and the Obama administration don’t think the difference in circumstances is relevant…after all, you got a job, right? Okay, then.


…you think it’s stupid that a country with epidemic childhood obesity now allows it’s welfare recipients on food stamps to swipe their EBT cards at the drive-through at McDonalds. Then you think, these folks don’t work, we give them food and they can’t even cook it. Then you get pissed off and go to your second job at McDonalds because you now make $12 an hour on your first one.


…you think all life is precious and all lives matter regardless of race, religion, or gender, born or unborn.


…you are baffled how a group like Black Lives Matter chooses only to protest the few blacks who are shot by the police and completely ignore the thousands of young blacks murdered annually in the United States by other blacks. After some thought you conclude the group should be renamed Politically Advantageous Black Lives Matter.


…the uncertainties of a Donald Trump presidency make you a little nervous but the thought of a Hilary Clinton presidency makes you appreciate that marijuana is legal in at least some states.


…you believe an intact nuclear family with one married biological mother and father living in the same household and raising their own children is the best case scenario for society and should be encouraged, protected, and preserved as a fundamental right.


…the only free government social program you believe in is a class that teaches personal responsibility, self-reliance, family values and old-fashioned work ethics.


…you shake your head when a lifetime welfare/food stamp recipient complains about having his entitlements paid to a card because it doesn’t seem like he earned them unless he can actually feel the welfare check and food stamps in his hand. (You’d have to be older to get that one in its entirety)


…you believe it is acceptable for an entire family to actually share dinner together with no television, ipads, ipods or cell phones.


...you believe that 99.9% of shootings by the police occur with one common denominator; suspects do not comply with officer commands. And while a few of those shootings may be unjustified, if the assailants would have simply done what the officers instructed without struggling, running or other non-compliant behavior, they would still be alive.


…you once believed the old adage that winners never quit and quitters never win until Obama came along and made villains out of winners and heroes out of quitters.


…you are thankful Barrack Obama cannot run for a third Presidency and wish the same rule applied to Hilary Clinton.


…you’ve ever been behind a food stamp recipient and her 3 young children in the checkout line, heard the clerk announce the $800 grocery bill and wonder after observing the size of the woman and her kids if the government was issuing food stamps at a dollar per pound.


…you believe a good government agency would be one that issues licenses to have sex. The only question should be, ‘Are you stupid?’ because stupid people shouldn’t breed.


…you have a child who is statistically one out of six grown children age 18 to 34 in the United States who are unemployed, living in your basement, or incarcerated and believe it’s way past time for them to take responsibility for their own lives instead of waiting on the government to fix things.


…you drive by and see a fellow co-worker at the liquor store on payday buying booze, cigarettes and lottery tickets and refuse to loan him $50 the next week to help get his lights turned back on.


…you still open doors for women.


…you believe if a woman wants to have a child she should want to stay home and raise it.


…you’ve been on the same job for 30 years and have been forced to work alongside younger workers of today. Although you have no degree or training you believe you have identified the next big psychological disease…Sorriassitis.


…you think tattoos covering your entire body and multiple piercings in every orifice is a bit much.


…you were not fooled with the promise of Obamacare. You recognized it as the ultimate progressive Trojan horse. You knew they were lying about it all along. You knew you wouldn’t be able to keep your doctor, the coverage would suck, and that costs would skyrocket. And, you know eventual Obamacare collapse is by design so that the government can come to the rescue and force a single-payer government ran health care system on all Americans.


…you believe in the one true God. You believe He sent His only son, Jesus, to live among us in the flesh and to die for our sins.


…you recognize the federal takeover of the education system from the States years ago in the interest of civil rights and equality was a farce and another progressive Trojan horse. You concluded long ago it was a means of indoctrinating our children in progressive ideology and that it’s been going on for two generations. You also realize it is working.


…you are in the 1 percentile of African Americans who are conservative and after 8 years of Obama have just decided it’s time to board a boat back to Africa.


…you are one of the recent 12,000,000 new food stamp/welfare recipients since Obama took office that is white and want to join the 1 percent of conservative African Americans on the boat.


…you believe equality means you breath the same air, walk on the same dirt, and have the same opportunity as everyone else to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps every day and make things happen with your own efforts without reliance on or interference from government.


…you understand that TV dramas, sitcoms, documentaries, and reality shows along with Hollywood movies and the mainstream news media are inundated with progressives who are in collusion with each other to indoctrinate the nation to their ideology, making normal all unnatural and fringe behaviors long considered immoral by the majority of American society…and that, that too is working.


…you have reached the point where you really don’t care what gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans-genders do in their own bedrooms. You just wish they would keep it there and stop trying to legalize their behavior into normalcy.


…you listen to Rush Limbaugh.


…you agree with anything Rush Limbaugh says.


…you repeat anything Rush Limbaugh says.


…you subscribe to Rush Limbaugh’s web site.


…you listen to any program on a radio station that carries the Rush Limbaugh show.


…you listen to a radio that has ever been tuned to a radio station that carries the Rush Limbaugh show.


…you live in a house that has an electrical outlet where a radio was plugged into, that was ever tuned to a radio station that was ever tuned to the Rush Limbaugh show.


…you wonder why the hell citizens haven’t demanded dramatic change in this country’s educational system. Then you realize that the federally ran school system is the only mother and father many kids have and that their parents have little interest in resuming that responsibility.


...you realize that the nearly 25% of able-bodied Americans today who want to work but cannot find suitable employment is the true unemployment statistic...not the 5% concocted fantasy figure the Obama administration and mainstream news media want you to believe.


…you have enough intelligence and education to understand the genius of Ronald Reagan’s policy of “trickle down” economics and that the positive impacts of his policies in the 1980s extended well into the 1990s creating one of the most robust American economies of modern times for every level of society.


…you look at the vast majority of younger Americans today who have been indoctrinated by public schools and mass media, who believe the world owes them simply because they exist, who are physically weaker, intellectually lazier, and inundated with a self-indulgent, entitlement mindset and then think of the comedian, Ron White’s famous line, “You can’t fix stupid,” and pray that he was wrong.


…you are a devoted Christian who has actually read the Koran and understands that the real reason Barrack Obama refuses to identify radical Islam as such is because he knows that the terrorists represent true Islam and that their actions and beliefs are not radical.


…you have never asked for nor received a government handout.


…you thought it was impossible to take a proud, hard-working, family-oriented, Latino culture who, although they may have come to America illegally, come to work, and turn them into the next largest American minority, dependent on government. The Democrats couldn’t indoctrinate enough American voters fast enough so they imported.


…your biggest fear with the wall Trump plans to build is that it will make it more difficult for you to leave the country to find work.


…you read the news about Obama refusing to sign a Republican bill in June, 2016, that would have allocated $1,100,000,000 to fight the Zika virus because it had language preventing any of those funds from going to Planned Parenthood. Then in August you hear of the first baby born in the U. S. to a mother with Zika who exhibited no birth defects including microcephaly. Then, you can’t help but think that all of the alarm over Zika was nothing more than a liberal Democrat scheme to divert more taxpayer funds to Planned Parenthood. Global warming, the spotted owl, fossil fuels and now this…


…you work, have always worked, and always intend to work.


...you mention that not only do 50% of Americans not pay any Federal income taxes but the lowest paid workers receive Federal welfare in the form of a deduction called the Earned Income Credit and actually think they did something productive to earn it.


…you point out that the Earned Income Credit is the most fraudulently abused deduction on the Federal income tax return. You have the audacity to refer to personal knowledge of a married couple living together with six children who claim to be separated, file separately, each claiming head of household with three children as dependents, one using their actual address and one using a relatives address, in order to receive double the Earned Income Credit they are entitled to. When you are disgusted with how easily they got away with it, you are told, “hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”


…you believe there should be a moratorium on new laws and that no new legislation should be allowed until all of the country’s current laws are enforced.


…you can remember where you were on the day you found out that Obama was providing free cell phones to welfare recipients. You also remember wondering what gave him the right to take your hard-earned taxpayer dollars and divert them under the guise of welfare for a use it was never intended. As you bring up the topic with a friend, your friend points out that that is nothing compared to the billions of taxpayer dollars diverted to enforce Obama’s executive orders. Then you seek therapy for anger management.


…you believe the massive ideological assault on Christians and Jews not only in the United States, but across the world, is a precursor to the coming of the anti-Christ. And, at least in this country, if something isn’t done immediately to take back our public schools and colleges as well as curtail the dominance of the mainstream media, the mission will be accomplished in another generation, or maybe two.


…you believe Robin Hood had to have been Uncle Sam’s nephew.


…you wish your ancestors would have just picked their own damn cotton.


…you can’t believe just how mindless so many Hilary Clinton supporters are, especially women and homosexuals. You point out the fact that Hilary accepted a $5,000,000.00 donation from Saudi Arabia to her Clinton Foundation and that the Saudi Arabian government is one of the world’s most oppressive governments towards women and gays. You show clear facts that Saudi Arabian law requires a male relative to accompany a female when in public, that a woman must have her husband’s permission to drive or even go to school, that there must be four male witnesses to testify to a woman being raped before a court will convict and that they don’t even recognize marital rape. Not to mention that gays are executed simply for being gay.


…you believe that massive affirmative action instead of merit based hiring and promotion is nothing more than State sponsored discrimination.


…you think little Johnny’s baseball team should receive a trophy for winning and all of the other teams they beat should not. And that rewarding kids for simply participating sets a bad precedent for dealing with life’s issues later on.


…it pisses you off that a high school graduate can qualify for acceptance to a college and has to spend the first year in remedial classes learning basic reading, writing and math, often at taxpayer expense.


…you feel like calling up the President and saying, “Hey Barrack, I know you fixed health care, the economy, our deficit, got those Iranians good when you released all that money with interest we’ve been holding since the 1970’s, re-established relations with a rogue Cuban government that no other President in the last 50 years saw fit to do, pardoned or commuted the sentences of more felons than any other President and a whole bunch more. You’ve got to be tired, so would you please just stop fixin’ things. Please…really, go play some golf…or more golf. You’ve helped us way too much already.


…you recognize that every significant aspect of America that is in decline has substantial government involvement and that there is a reason why our framers stressed the need for limited government.


…you feel like taking your 4-wheel drive diesel pickup truck and mud bogging through the middle of the wetlands you own that the government refuses to allow you to use, shooting up the trees and relieving yourself on the largest one in the process.


…you practice gun control every weekend out behind your barn.


…when you were growing up you thought a gay marriage meant a happy wedding.


…you recognize that if everyone in this world were a practicing homosexual that human life would end in about 100 years or however long it took for the last existing human to die because reproduction would cease. Setting aside moral and religious arguments, you point out that this very fact alone establishes how against nature homosexuality is. You get really bold and state that homosexuality is a mental disorder and these people need therapy and treatment to get better, not acceptance and encouragement to express them and like all psychological and mental disorders, acceptance and tolerance only enables the deviant behavior.


…you knew it would come to this as soon as they started that free lunch crap.


…you thought welfare as we knew it ended in the 1980s under Ronald Reagan’s welfare to work initiative.


...you wonder how long the 50% who pay taxes in this country can carry the 50% who do not. Then you remember wages have been declining since Obama took office and a potential Hilary Clinton Presidency looms and think, Oh My God


…you just realized that the media seeks out the most thug-looking, young, black man it can find at a Black Lives Matter protest in the same way it use to look for the shirtless, one-tooth, redneck, hick in an area just hit by a tornado and that the intellect of the interviews are about the same.


…you are frustrated that strong conservatives in the private sector have relied largely on talk radio and Fox News to fight the massive progressive media conglomerate. You wonder why conservatives have not formed their own movie and television studios to produce programming that present more shows, documentaries and movies with conservative themes.


…you believe all aspects of American history, as it was actually recorded, should be taught in the public schools in its entirety, untainted by the bias opinions of teachers and unaltered in any way.


…you believe education of its children is the sovereign right of each individual State and that the U. S. Department of Education should be disbanded and all of its employees should find real jobs.


…you think that it is not only reasonable but an absolute necessity to insure the integrity of each election for all voters to prove who they are. You can’t write a check, open a bank account, obtain a post office box, get a job, go to college, and get government benefits or medical care without a valid photo ID. How the hell is it disenfranchisement to require a photo ID to vote? The only people disenfranchised are the Democrats who rely on the illegal immigrant, dead people and felon vote.


…you were at the repair shop the other day having your brakes replaced and could have sworn you saw a young man pay for a set of rims with an EBT card.


…you believe a Honda Civic jacked up on twenty-four inch rims should be illegal.


…you believe contrary to the venom spewed by Progressives and Democrats that unfairness is not intrinsically baked into American society against anyone.


…you point out that since the election of Barrack Obama there is more anger than ever in America.


…you manage a small business and are disgusted when you have to sit down and help a senior in high school fill out an employment application for a part-time job.


…you manage a large corporation and think it’s stupid when the government offers subsidies for you to establish a tutoring program to teach reading and math to employees who graduated high school because are so deficient in these basic skills they can’t learn their jobs.


…you suspect an eventual run by Michelle Obama for President and believe the speaking fees earned by Bill and Hilary Clinton will pale in comparison to what Barrack and Michelle receive after his Presidency.


And Finally,


You might be called an old-fashioned Southerner if you believe when children throw temper tantrums, are disrespectful, and deliberately disobey their parents that there is no substitute for a good ol’ ass whippin’.


* * *


If you liked You might be called an old-fashioned Southerner if…
look for more You might be called… books by Mikell Keeth coming soon
and check out Mikell Keeth’s debut novel, Illusions of the Past.


For too long America has been led down a path of political correctness and fringe liberal causes. For too long traditional Americans have been viewed as out of touch when they stand firm and defend morality, work ethics, proper education and family values. You might be called an Old-Fashioned Southerner if... presents a fresh new (actually old) comical view of the progressive ideological conversion of America.

  • ISBN: 9781370707799
  • Author: Mikell Keeth
  • Published: 2016-08-30 22:20:09
  • Words: 3468