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Trumpilius J. Caesar

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Trumpilius J. Caesar

A Play by Marty Kirby

Copyright © 2016 by Marty Kirby

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.

First Printing, 2016

Distributed by Shakespir

Table of Contents

A Note On the Text

Cast of Characters

Act I

Scene 1 – Floridia, a street.

Scene 2 – Ohius, backstage at a Trumpilius rally.

Scene 3 – Clevelandia, a street.

Scene 4 – Clevelandia, a street. Rain.

Act II

Scene 1 – Phoenixus, McCainnius’ residence.

Scene 2 – New Yorkus, Trumpilius’ penthouse apartment in Trumpilius Tower.

Scene 3 –Phoenixus, McCainnius’ residence.

Act III

Scene 1 – Phoenixus, banquet hall.

Scene 2 – New Yorkus, Broadwaus Theatre.

Scene 3 – New Yorkus, Sandavius’ hotel room.

Act IV

Scene 1 – New Yorkus, courtroom.

Scene 2 – New Yorkus, outside the courthouse.

Scene 3 – New Yorkus, strategy room in Trumpilius Tower.

Act V

Scene 1 – Phoenixus, graveyard.

Scene 2 – New Yorkus, Trumpilius’ private room in Trumpilius Tower.

Scene 3 – Romington, Trumpilius’ campaign room.Background Information on Marty Kirby.

About the Author

Trumpilius J. Caesar is intended to be read with one’s tongue firmly planted in their cheek.

- Marty Kirby, 2016

In Order of Affiliated and Unaffiliated Party Members.

The Estabule Party (The GOE)

Trumpilius J. Caesar – A self-styled rich, argumentative Estabule running for the GOE presidential nomination in the 58th quadrennial United Empire of Americus presidential election

Melaneril – Trumpilius’ second wife

Senator McCainnius – A war hero and Americus senator

Majority Leader Mitchium and Speaker Ryanium – High-level Estabules repulsed by the threat of Trumpilius

Ronius Ceagan – The 40th President of the United Empire of Americus

Lewandowsks – Trumpilius’ campaign manager

The Democule Party

Clintonbras – A well-connected Democule running for her party’s presidential nomination in the 58th quadrennial United Empire of Americus presidential election

Obamprey – The 44th President of the United Empire of Americus

Sandavius – Trumpilius’ troubled son

Naderatio – Sandavius’ oldest friend and confidant

Clivien the Rancher and Josephus the Plumber – Americus citizens infatuated with Trumpilius’ presidential campaign

Biana’s Ghost – Trumpilius’ dead first wife

Boehnerus – A childhood friend of Sandavius

Lucia – Wife of McCainnius

Objectivist – Mysterious individual who distributes drugs

Diego – McCainnius’ servant

Syranus Actors – A troupe of actors sponsored by Sandavius

ACT I, SCENE 1

Floridia, a street.

[Enter MITCHIUM and RYANIUM. CLIVIEN, JOSEPHUS, and other commoners cross the stage in a jubilant mood before stopping.]

Ryanium:

Thugs! Get home! You are betraying the party of Ronius Ceagan. Your hero preys on prejudice. You’re treating his Floridia win like a holiday? This primary is a mockery of the system. [Addressing one of the group members.] What is your job?

Josephus:

I run a plumbing company that makes thousands of dollars a year.

Mitchium:

Then where is your plunger? Why are you wearing expensive clothes? Are you looking to fill an empty Supreme Court seat? And you, over there, what’s your job?

Clivien:

I am a humble rancher.

Mitchium:

Your land dues, sir, do you pay them?

Clivien:

What’s due to me shall come when patriots are not questioned like terrorists, but instead celebrated as concerned citizens. The people need to use the land without fear.

Mitchium:

We despise Obamprey’s eight-year experiment in big government just like you. We embrace free enterprise, but request small dues.

Clivien:

Leave us to our celebration of the fine man who captured our hearts today.

Mitchium:

You mean to not pay your ranching land dues then, is that right?

Clivien:

Americus needs a patriot who understands me. Is it due time for the Mexos to be taking our jobs? I’ve wondered if we are due to make Americus great again.

Mitchium:

We have our priorities right. Why haven’t you prioritized your ranching duties above leading these men through the streets?

Clivien:

We come to speak on behalf of people who love freedom, land, and wildlife. Concerned citizens make a holiday to see Trumpilius. We know he will win the Estabule nomination.

Ryanium:

Know? His victories pale in comparison to what a president must endure. Which honorable senators follow him to Romington? Which Empires has he actually intimidated into paying for the great wall that he promises? Your man will not implement the Ceagan conservative agenda needed in today’s dangerous world. Do you not remember the glory of Ronius Ceagan? So many times you waited for hours in convention centers, fields, and streets with babies on your back, you sat there waiting to see the great Ceagan ride through the streets of Romington. And when you caught a glimpse of his Cadillac, didn’t you cheer so loudly that the echo shook the Mississippi river? And now you put on your best clothes and place decorations for one so far beneath him? We’re one presidency away from losing control and you act like it’s a holiday. Be gone from my sight.

Mitchium:

Go, fellow Americusins. Pray and see your errors – you do not want to be responsible for another terrorist attack at home.

[Exeunt the commoners.]

There they go so guilty about insulting Americus. Honestly, there must still be a way to drop Trumpilius like a hot rock. You go down that way toward the square where he spoke, and I’ll go over there. Take down all putrid decorations honoring the buffoon.

Ryanium:

I shall. Yet, should we not focus some attention on derailing Clintonbras? The Democules are weak here, but their strength grows in the north.

Mitchium:

A fine joke, Ryanium. Have you not seen the email fiasco with which she is doomed? Not to mention how dramatically her polling has suffered since we set up the Bengazus committee. She has a prune face and connects with no commoners.

Ryanium:

I pray that you are right. But to the task at hand. Will no one be upset with us for removing Trumpilius’ victory decorations?

Mitchium:

No. I’ve called the man and told him to condemn the violence at his rallies no matter the source. We cannot let any decorations be hung with Trumpilius’ image. I’ll get the other commoners off the streets. Wherever you see big crowds cheering his name, do the same. We can stifle Trumpilius’ victories by removing his support.

[Exeunt.]

ACT I, SCENE 2

Ohius, backstage at a Trumpilius rally.

[Enter TRUMPILIUS, MELANERIL, MCCAINNIUS, SANDAVIUS, and NADERATIO.]

Trumpilius:

This speech is going to be huge. It’s tremendous. We’ve got hundreds out there screaming my name.

Melaneril:

You’re fantastic, darling. Ohius, such an amazing place.

Trumpilius:

So I start by saying we’re going to take Americus back. We’re going to make it great again. I will restore the Americus dream!

Sandavius:

For millions it is a nightmare.

Trumpilius:

Under Obamprey, indeed! Don’t be gloomy though. Take notes from McCainnius over there. A war hero. Back from fighting in the Far East, and our youngest ever senator.

McCainnius:

Too kind, sir. I’d be at the rally of any Estabule frontrunner. Although, I believe that your stance on torture should change.

Trumpilius:

McCainnius, you’re a hero and I love that you were never captured. But waterboarding is no worse than a frat house prank. Naderatio, you went to college with my Sandavius. Was he ever pranked?

Naderatio:

I’ll stand by your son and remain silent on the issue.

Melaneril:

Dear Sandavius. Be off with the dark clothes, and accept your father as a friend. People die and you can’t spend your life resenting him. You seem so distant; shouldn’t Americus be great again?

Sandavius:

Seem? Does it seem like Flintus’ water will ever recover? My black clothes, new mother, cannot encompass my deep pain. [SANDAVIUS holds his head.] Everyone my age is a slave to their college loan. Who can pay to see a doctor? This land of the free is cruel. And worst of all, my real mother is gone. Overpowered by Far Easterners and buried alive in a camouflaged spider hole in her own garden. I shall find the devils yet.

Trumpilius:

Tremendous speech! We will repeal Obampreycare! Dear son, include in your tirade my focus on Americus first, and you might be the next president.

Sandavius:

Mourning and blackness. No more can I endure.

Trumpilius:

It is sweet for you to mourn your mother, and believe me – to catch terrorists like them who killed honest Biana, we have to go after their families. But you must know that your father lost his father. That great man who gave me a small one million dollar loan to make the Trumpilius Organization a global juggernaut; I loved him dearly. I know that God wants me to be the greatest president the world has ever seen, and he wants you to stop this feminine whining. It would be a tremendous help if you could accept Melaneril as your true, new mother.

Sandavius:

I’ll accept to the extent that appearance demands. Now go incite the mob howling your name.

[Exit SANDAVIUS.]

Naderatio:

Sandavius! Wait. Your medication. It’s time.

[Exit NADERATIO.]

Trumpilius:

Ha! My competitive spirit exists in him yet. Sandavius shall draft my next speech. Yet, as the speech I am to give tonight, it shall be huge. Trumpilius J. Caesar will call for a temporary ban on all Far Easterners coming to Americus. Just think of the tremendous evil Far Easterners have caused in Parisus and Brussela.

McCainnius:

Yet you must admit, sir, that if a Far Easterner was able to defend Estabule values, you would vote for him.

Melaneril:

I grew up in the Far East. I was a terrible person until Trumpilius saved me though marriage. They are not human. I renounce that world.

Trumpilius:

They arrive in Americus lacking ambition to achieve greatness; they’re bringing drugs; they’re bringing crime; I have been getting phone calls confirming that the worst of them are rapists. [TRUMPILIUS pats MCCAINNIUS’ shoulder.] But you are wise McCainnius. The love of my life is Far Eastern – so I would be wrong to say that some are not good people.

Melaneril:

Our drinking water was poisoned by the terrorists. My whole town wiped out. Everything bombed. I sent out a distress message. Brave Trumpilius received the plea and a covert helicopter was sent to my mobile phone’s coordinates. We know the terrorists hide themselves within the Far Eastern migrants. Americus cannot take any chances.

McCainnius:

This is a true concern. Yet, I am unable to verify your video showing Mexos charging the Americus border.

Trumpilius:

The bulk of my speech! Yes, only minutes from now I present a tremendous speech to win the Ohius primary! The video is not of this land; but imagine, McCainnius, think of the horror when it does happen. The Mexos are not friends to Americus – I know it. They kill our economy. All the jobs are going down there; our economy is looking like small potatoes because Obamprey won’t fight to keep our jobs. Mark these words, McCainnius, I’m the best for jobs. The best.

McCainnius:

I accept the need for Americus to have great jobs. But surely you won’t want the Chinesas as enemies.

Trumpilius:

I love Chinesa! Their leaders are much smarter than Obamprey. Their military and towers – amazing feats. Imagine the wall the Chinesas would build to keep the Mexos out, and they would make the Mexos pay for it! We shall build this great wall! But you know, McCainnius, I’m a business man – everyone gets along with me. The Chinesas have no chance to hardball me. No chance.

McCainnius:

You’re a fascinating personality, sir. The stage is set. Take the podium and win Ohius.

[Exit TRUMPILIUS.]

Melaneril:

A legend speaks to his people.

McCainnius:

He has that title, and soon maybe much more.

Melaneril:

You’re an honorable man, McCainnius, do you think that a person can ever truly change?

McCainnius:

In my heart I believe it’s so. But in my mind and in what I have seen in war. I think not.

Melaneril:

Trumpilius is who he is. He prefers not to consider my ideas. Nor does he care much for the scorn that the old Estabules feel for him winning so many states.

McCainnius:

He may be our candidate, and for that I stand with him.

Melaneril:

I know your kindness and ambition have done you well. You’ve never cheated or taken what doesn’t belong to you. But this is a precise time, and you cannot be afraid to take what is needed. Speak freely now, we are alone.

McCainnius:

I’m afraid that I do not follow. Another occasion needs my attention. Be well.

Melaneril:

I’m not a woman to be ignored! When I think of Trumpilius’ boorish bravado and how he would be incapable of intimidating foreign politicians, my blood thickens and all womanly pretense is torn away. Be straight with me now. Do you have the fortitude needed to save the Estabule party from utter humiliation?

McCainnius:

Dear Melaneril, of late I’ve been having some inner conflict that may have affected my outward behaviour. I’m at war with some of my beliefs, don’t take it to mean I would do anything rash.

Melaneril:

You’ve been looking inside yourself. But can you see your own face?

McCainnius:

I see through reflection, and not blind rage.

Melaneril:

Then reflect on the many Estabules I have heard wishing that you, McCainnius, could see the mockery that Trumpilius makes of the Americus constitution.

[Cheering is heard as TRUMPILIUS’ speech rambles from topic to topic.]

McCainnius:

What are they shouting? Are they ready to make him their president?

Melaneril:

There it is! You do not want him to rule.

McCainnius:

No, he does not have the best policies, but I follow the frontrunner. I really should go to my next appointment. If you have a concrete plan for the good of Americus, then I will hear it. My tours of duty in the Far East have extinguished both my zest for life and fear of death. I live only for the people.

Melaneril:

Then listen close. Do you remember the night when Trumpilius insulted the disabled New Yorkus reporter who dared speak against him? He told reporters three times that the mocking was misread and taken out of context. Right after that, Trumpilius’ virility left him and he fell to the floor. He lay foaming at the mouth like a pitiful woman. Of course the corporate media perceived this as a “human” moment for Trumpilius, but you must agree that it is a grave flaw for a potential president.

McCainnius:

No man is a God. What does this story prove?

Melaneril:

That Trumpilius intends to fashion himself one. He already had Ryanium and Mitchium punished for removing his victory decorations in Floridia. He shall rule as a Far Eastern despot if given the chance.

[Chants of “President Trumpilius” and “abolish term limits” are heard as Trumpilius concludes his speech.]

McCainnius:

I must go now, and you are required on stage. Leave me to think and we can meet again. As an honorable man, I will keep this discussion private.

Melaneril:

I will set up the meeting. Until then, think on the wellbeing of Americus.

[Exit MCCAINNIUS.]

McCainnius is noble indeed. His love for Americus can be shaped to my ends. All womanly weakness drain from my body. May my potential for male cruelty be unmatched. May deadly spirits turn my mother’s milk into poisonous acid. This is the acid that I will conceal in a cup and have McCainnius feed to Trumpilius. I shall rule and decide the new order for the Far East. No crude idiot will plunge my home into further destruction. I will raise it and be worshipped in return. Yet, young Sandavius is even more mentally unhinged than his father. Only the Objectivist has what I need to further drive a wedge between father and son.

[Exit.]

ACT I, SCENE 3

Clevelandia, a street.

[Enter MELANERIL and OBJECTIVIST.]

Melaneril:

Dear Objectivist. Come close, you’re amazing.

Objectivist:

Cut the foreign play that only your husband enjoys; we’ve known each other too long for that. Now tell me; with Trumpilius’ recent rise, do you keep him satisfied?

Melaneril:

Yes, a vile thought it is. But I keep him in ignorant bliss. All other times we have separate beds.

Objectivist:

As I thought. But to the matter at hand. What is your request?

Melaneril:

A humble request for one so tight-lipped as yourself. Not even through the ordeal with Biana did you speak a word. You, more than anyone, know that nothing lasts forever and I -

Objectivist:

The request, please.

Melaneril:

The request concerns Trumpilius winning the Estabule nomination tonight. Even when the GOE humiliated itself by having a Lucifer in the flesh choose a she-devil running mate, Trumpilius still won enough delegates.

Objectivist:

My clients are waiting. You have one last chance to name your request.

Melaneril:

Yes, I have forgotten the promptness of Far Easterners. Your dissolving poison capsules, please. And more, I require pills that create grand hallucinations.

Objectivist:

As you wish.

[MELANERIL and OBJECTIVIST exchange money for drugs.]

The hallucination pills exaggerate any anxiety that plagues the target.

Melaneril:

The very type that I need!

Objectivist:

Until next time.

Melaneril:

But you must know that McCainnius, the noble senator, he shall administer the poison that saves Americus. And after that -

Objectivist:

Our business is done.

[Exit OBJECTIVIST.]

Melaneril:

Can it be so simple? I must not fault for womanly weakness. I shall stay hard. They will pay. My home will rise.

[MELANERIL hears a sound around the corner.]

Who’s there? Speak, or I will be forced to stand my ground.

[Enter SANDAVIUS.]

Melaneril:

Son, you tremble and are doused in sweat. Come close.

Sandavius:

I would, only not because God has ruled against suicide. Your embrace would melt away my skin. Life is a garden with weeds more wild than those in the ghost towns of depressed Detriotus. My true mother, Biana, she kept Trumpilius sane. Now two months gone she leaves me with worse debt in my heart than the criminal banks do with predatory lending. Such an excellent and even-tempered woman. And to this meeting of secrecy I attend for all else is pointless. What word is there of Biana’s killers?

[MELANERIL punches SANDAVIUS in the stomach. SANDAVIUS hunches over.]

Melaneril:

Quit the bleeding-heart nonsense and womanly wailing. The method I have shall bring you closure and peace.

Sandavius:

The pain is reassuring. Though not my mother, I have no qualms with you being my conspirator. Name our common foes.

Melaneril:

Take this mental stimulation to know.

[MELANERIL gives SANDAVIUS a hallucinatory pill. SANDAVIUS looks at the pill, mutters to himself, does the sign of the cross, and swallows the pill.]

Sandavius:

Good God in Heaven my mother is here! She is spectral but she is real!

[Lightning tears through the sky. Thunder rumbles in the distance.]

Melaneril:

[Aside.] Run to her. Follow your instincts to their bloody conclusion.

Sandavius:

Tell me how I may avenge your church-buried bones. What could it mean that you wear your most beautiful dress that we buried you in? What shall I do? Anything, tell me!

[BIANA’S GHOST motions for SANDAVIUS to come with her.]

Melaneril:

I see this not. It must be a divine providence only for you. Go to her!

Sandavius:

My beautiful mother will not speak, so I’ll go with her. This feeling of justice is too big to fail. Every fiber of my being is strong as steel. I’ll make a ghost of anyone who stops me in this crusade.

[Exit BIANA’S GHOST and SANDAVIUS.]

Melaneril:

Are my goals accomplished so simply? For what women lose in brute aggression, we gain in persuasion. The Estabules have almost certainly named Trumpilius their presidential nominee at this hour. In Trumpilius’ boorish focus on “going it alone,” he told Sandavius and me to stay away from the convention floor as they heralded him their champion. I agreed with this course of action as it facilitated my deception of Sandavius. Now to seal the deal of Trumpilius’ doom, I must get complete dedication from McCainnius to poison my husband’s cup.

[Exit.]

ACT I, SCENE 4

Clevelandia, a street. Rain.

[Enter SANDAVIUS and BIANA’S GHOST.]

Sandavius:

I am tired for walking and drenched through the rain. But I will march to the ends of the Earth for you.

Biana’s Ghost:

Listen, my beautiful son. Let’s go under the shelter of that deserted shop.

Sandavius:

Not since the revelations of Snowdenus have I been so enraptured.

Biana’s Ghost:

It is almost time that I return to my place among the Elect.

Sandavius:

Poor mother! I trust that you sit among God’s favorite spirits.

Biana’s Ghost:

My good deeds in life have proven beneficial in Heaven.

Sandavius:

That I would join you in eternity!

Biana’s Ghost:

Your task in this life is too important. Listen. If you ever loved me, listen. You must take revenge for this terrible crime against goodness.

Sandavius:

Tell me the specifics of your murder. I want to take revenge right away; faster than states take away voting rights. Who buried you alive in that camouflaged spider hole?

Biana’s Ghost:

You shall know who. But first. Purge all political trifles from your mind. It was three in morning when I walked across our garden to appreciate its beauty. I know this because Trumpilius paces relentless every night at this time, furious about his debts. He was raving about poor men having more money than him, and I had to escape the room. I heard Trumpilius’ tirade and I thought he might be coming down to meet me. I was turned from the assailant when they smothered me with a chloroform-soaked rag. As I lost consciousness, I heard them say that alcohol is disgusting and would take much longer to knock me out.

Sandavius:

My father hath said alcohol is detestable! He vowed not to ever intoxicate himself after uncle Fredius died. But Foxia Newsis so strongly reported that Far Easterners killed you. I had no recourse but to believe it. But wait. McCainnius does not drink either, not since returning from war. And what of the thousands of other teetotalers in Americus? No, I know in my heart it must be Trumpilius or McCainnius.

Biana’s Ghost:

Heaven binds me from confirming anything. But let me be brief, with the morning I am called back to Paradise. The task is to look inside yourself and not sulk about how I died, but instead enact your revenge. Allies appear in the strangest places. Do not harm those who will help, as they are crucial to a successful plan. Leave your allies to be judged by God, do not do so yourself. I feel the radiance of Heaven’s warmth. Good bye and remember me.

[Exit BIANA’S GHOST.]

Sandavius:

Power of Heaven and Earth, make me strong! I shall remember you as long as there is memory in my head! Now all trivialities are to be discarded. The one percent, the meat industry, foreign worker rights, chemtrails, and all manner of conspiracies; there is only one commandment left. Who is the evil man that killed mother? I shall know. I’ve made this solemn vow to Biana, and now it’s time to deal with it.

[Enter NADERATIO.]

Naderatio:

Sandavius! Are you alright?

Sandavius:

I am. I’ve never felt more focused.

Naderatio:

Trumpilius sent me to find you. He has been named the Estabule nominee.

Sandavius:

Grand news. I’m seething with happiness.

Naderatio:

Your skin is pale and eyes are wild. Have you seen a ghost?

Sandavius:

Yes. Listen Naderatio. We’re each other’s oldest friends. And now I need you to keep a secret.

Naderatio:

I swear I will keep it.

Sandavius:

If making Americus great again reverts it back to a more villainous time, does that not make my father a villain?

Naderatio:

I suspect that your logic is sound, but you don’t need to see a ghost to know that.

Sandavius:

Well then let’s dig up Jimus Crowia with the illuminated bones I saw tonight and segregate society again. We shall shake hands and go our separate ways because God knows we can’t be friends in this new world.

Naderatio:

I can’t follow a word of this. What bones do you speak of?

Sandavius:

For all that is Holy, I almost broke my promise to avoid all political trifles! I did see a ghost but what happened between us, you can’t know. All that I will tell is my real mother, beautiful Biana, she spoke and gave me a mission. You can’t tell anyone this!

Naderatio:

I swear to God I won’t.

[SANDAVIUS takes out his handgun.]

Sandavius:

Swear by my gun.

Naderatio:

But I already swore in open view of Heaven and Earth.

Sandavius:

Swear by my gun before it’s pointed at your brain!

Biana’s Ghost:

[Calls out from above the stage.] Swear.

Sandavius:

Ha! I see Heaven condones this secret. Let’s move into the early morning light now that the storm has passed. Put your hand on my gun and swear you’ll never mention this night to anyone.

Naderatio:

By God, Sandavius. I’ve not seen you this passionate since we forced our college president, Timus Wolfia, to resign years ago. This is strange even for you.

Sandavius:

As the plan I will follow requires me to act strangely for the next little while, you must never say what I have told you this past night. Not even through a quickened pace of breathing or quizzical expression on your face. You cannot even say anything like, “well, he did have that counselling back in college,” or “it’s like when he escaped the sanatorium in adolescence.” Swear you will be true to this oath.

Biana’s Ghost:

[Calls out from above the stage.] Swear.

Sandavius:

Rest now, mother. And to you, Naderatio, I offer thanks. Let us return to the convention. Please, for the last time, no talk of this. So much is uncertain and I am tasked with fixing it. Onward, let’s go.

ACT II, SCENE 1

Phoenixus, McCainnius’ residence.

[Enter MCCAINNIUS in his garden.]

McCainnius:

Diego, I have a request of you. Diego, are you awake? I’ve been pacing all night and need some help. If I could only have the calmness of mind to sleep as well as you. Get up!

[Enter DIEGO.]

Diego:

A thousand pardons, sir. What do you need?

McCainnius:

Prepare me a pot of herbal tea and place it in my office, Diego. Call me when it’s ready.

Diego:

Right away, sir. [Exit.]

McCainnius:

The only way is to kill Trumpilius. And not simply for his comments about legislating Merry Christmas, or saying that changing diapers is women’s work. I can even disregard the decades of war he waged against publications that called him short-fingered. Yet, it is Trumpilius’ brash assertiveness to nominate Saraus Palon to the Supreme Court that boils my blood. What disrespect for the Court he has! Who else shall sit on our highest court, Hulkus Hogia and Dennius Rodmnaus? Shall Trumpilius open up the libel laws to jail those who oppose him? And who shall be his generals? Golf associates? What next, will the state media of Northus Koreas celebrate him? Most alarming is that Majority Leader Mitchium and Speaker Ryanium renounced the Estable convention after it named Trumpilius the nominee! They may leave the party and no one is prepared to take over. On a personal note, I see no compassion in Trumpilius. He speaks with faux humility when telling crowds he will protect Christianity; but everyone knows that ambitious men will bleed humility to advance themselves, and then turn on anyone who helped them get to the top. If Trumpilius’ vile positions are furthered, then his character will fulfill the campaign promises. He is a snake in a shell, ready to hatch. I must poison that shell.

[Enter DIEGO.]

Diego:

The tea has been steeped and is sitting in your office, sir. I started doing some dusting and found this sealed letter next to an open window. I’m sure it was not there last night.

[DIEGO gives MCCAINNIUS the letter.]

McCainnius:

Go get some extra sleep. Where is daybreak? How far into August are we now?

Diego:

We are in mid-August, sir.

McCainnius:

Go see the calendar, I need an exact date.

Diego:

I’m off, sir.

McCainnius:

The magnificence of the moon makes an acceptable light to read by. [MCCAINNIUS opens the letter and reads.] “McCainnius, you’re sleeping. Wake up and make a decision. Shall Americus degrade to such a base level? Fix what only you can!” This is just one of many calls left for me to find. “Is Romington going to be…” I cannot read for frantic scratches of writing. Is this proof that all of Americus will submit to one man’s arrogance? The citizens heralded Ronius Ceagan as a God, but even he knew the limits of the presidency. One line of this letter says, “Strike! Do not be late!” Is this a divine command? Beloved Americus, you have asked for justice by my hand. This shall be done!

[Enter DIEGO.]

Diego:

Sir, fifteen days of August are elapsed.

[A gate buzzer is heard offstage.]

McCainnius:

Then I should have sufficient time. Go check the security footage. Someone has buzzed my gate.

[Exit DIEGO.]

I have not slept soundly since Melaneril opened my eyes to Trumpilius’ true nature. From the moment when I first considered doing this service to Americus, everything has felt unusual, like a horrible dream. But I have made secret preparations, and come the Arnoldus Palmeria Foundation charity dinner in September, Trumpilius shall be no more.

[Enter DIEGO.]

Diego:

Sir, Trumpilius’ wife, Melaneril, is at the gate. She requests a private meeting with you.

McCainnius:

[Aside.] This timing must be providence.

Diego:

Sir, are you there? I must say you don’t look well.

McCainnius:

Criticism? After all I have done for you?

Diego:

I’m terribly sorry, sir. But I must add that there is a small cloaked figure with Melaneril. There’s no way to tell who this is.

McCainnius:

Bring them to me.

[Exit DIEGO.]

Melaneril has brought another into our plot? Will the conspiracy hold? Not even the husband of Clintonbras could completely hide his indecent sexual relations. And to think that the Democules named Clintonbras their presidential nominee! This is a strange time that requires precise action; why would Melaneril bring in a third? Nevertheless, our smiling faces shall hide the conspiracy to save Americus. But since Melaneril has no true face, I shall stay forever on guard.

[Enter MELANERIL and OBJECTIVIST.]

Melaneril:

By God man! Put yourself together for guests. This may be an early hour for an ordinary man, but you have been ordained for a greater cause.

McCainnius:

This cause has kept me awake every night. I sometimes wish that this cup may pass from me. And why does this individual come with you? Who else knows about this?

Melaneril:

Calm yourself, my associate is sworn to secrecy. I am more concerned that you are unsure of yourself. Please tell me the arrangements have been made. The Arnoldus Palmeria Foundation dinner is our last chance. The only cup you will be passing that night is one that includes dissolved poison capsules.

McCainnius:

And you have procured the capsules from this individual; is that right?

Melaneril:

Indeed, she is the best chemist in Americus; and of Far Eastern extraction too.

McCainnius:

Please excuse my outburst. I see you have achieved the Americus dream and now reap the rewards.

Objectivist:

Indeed, I have a vested interest in seeing Trumpilius destroyed. I sell only the best product and am supplied by the Mexos. I have always had a friendly business relationship with the Mexos, but since Trumpilius’ racist remarks, their business has gone elsewhere. Now less reputable suppliers than myself are concocting home remedies with materials greatly inferior to that of the Mexos.

McCainnius:

What wild times these are. I find myself sympathizing with a supplier whose premium product is being decimated by Trumpilius’ vile rhetoric. But the business tycoon is not new to failure. I still have cases of Trumpilius Vodka and a freezer full of Trumpilius Steaks; I bought these just to quell his incessant whining – and I don’t even drink. But what epic blunders would he have as president? His foreign policy remarks stink of isolationism. Your Mexo plight is worrying, but I fear much worse trade disasters if Trumpilius is ushered into power.

Melaneril:

Pledge your devotion to the dark act that will save Americus.

McCainnius:

If we need a pledge to motivate us, we may as well let the tyrant continue and eventually get us all killed. Reasons that make women brave and incite patriots to action are stronger than any pledge. If we degrade this crusade to a pledge, then we are no better than the Estabules who honored their pledge to support the eventual GOE presidential nominee.

Objectivist:

My business may not survive if someone like Trumpilius takes his place. Should we not eliminate anyone else?

McCainnius:

The redemption in this one black act is enough. Trumpilius’ oldest son though Biana, the big game hunter, Trumpilius Jr., manages the Africus branch of the Trumpilius Organization and has no political ambitions. He has not been seen in years and distances himself from the family. Sandavius is troubled, but has not the social skills to lead. And for the other Estabules, Trumpilius so enraptured the commoners that none could fill his spot. I see no other who would be such a threat as to make them sleep forever. We shall kill him with honor and not lust. We must be invisible to the deed, and then act distressed by what was done. We shall be calm and resolute in the aftermath.

Objectivist:

I’m still uncertain of how other Estabules will battle in the ensuing power vacuum. It could bankrupt my business.

McCainnius:

Worry not, for I know who Trumpilius intends to name as his running mate. And believe me, this war hero will not tolerate disorder.

Melaneril:

Interesting, but your mind requires rest. We should go.

McCainnius:

Indeed. Be at the the charity dinner before the event starts at eight.

Melaneril:

I shall.

[Exit MELANERIL and OBJECTIVIST.]

McCainnius:

Diego! Make me another tea! Is the boy asleep so soon? What I would do to have a brain not overcome by worry and strange visions.

[Enter LUCIA.]

Lucia:

Darling, I called for you. I had a terrible dream. Why do you stand here gobsmacked?

McCainnius:

Though this is summer; it is a cold morning. You’ve been sick. The elements will not be kind.

[MCCAINNIUS turns from her.]

Lucia:

I can’t understand why you are so distant. How is a wife supposed to act when her husband responds like this to questions about his well-being? I understand that senators work beside some loathsome, self-righteous individuals, but your dim mood is unchanging. My dear husband, please, tell me what ails you.

McCainnius:

A cold is all. I’ve not been to a doctor. Do you know the insane conditions Obampreycare requires for coverage?

Lucia:

You are a smart man, though. Take what you need to feel better.

McCainnius:

Some associates have opened my eyes to the toxins in vaccines. I can ignore the pain.

Lucia:

You experienced a lifetime of agony being deployed in the Far East. I loved you then and I love you now. You were diagnosed with a sickness of the mind upon returning. [LUCIA kneels.] Through marriage, I am half of yourself and your equal; now tell me what is troubling you, and who has visited you. I saw two hooded figures in the darkness.

McCainnius:

Don’t lower yourself to this pitiful position, Lucia.

Lucia:

[LUCIA gets up.] I am the one not acting nobly? Toxins in vaccines? What next? Was Trumpilius’ father involved in the Kennedus assassination? Does a wife not have the right to know what concerns her husband?

McCainnius:

You’re as dear to me as the blood that drains from my sad heart.

Lucia:

Then why do I not know your secrets? I admit that I am just a woman, but I have noble lineage – my father is the longest-serving senator. Do you think that with such a strong father and celebrated husband I cannot keep your secrets? Look, [LUCIA lifts up her nightgown.] I have tattooed my thigh with your ranch’s brand. If I can bear the pain and shame of wearing a slave’s mark, then I can bear your secrets.

McCainnius:

Oh God! Forgive me that I make so noble a woman so miserable. [MCCAINNIUS holds his stomach.] Now the ache resides here. I must go drink the tea Diego prepared for me and rest. And soon I will explain all the secrets of my heart. I’m off!

[Exeunt.]

ACT II, SCENE 2

New Yorkus, Trumpilius’ penthouse apartment in Trumpilius Tower.

[Ride of the Valkyries plays. TRUMPILIUS and MELANERIL are seated in ornate chairs. Enter BOEHNERUS accompanied by TRUMPILIUS TOWER STAFF.]

Trumpilius:

Thank you gentlemen for bringing in Sandavius’ boyhood friend. Now turn off this tremendous music and be on your way.

[TRUMPILIUS TOWER STAFF switch off the music and exit.]

Melaneril:

Look here. A boy of Sandavius’ age; but his face is old.

Boehnerus:

I appreciate the call, but it is so strange. I haven’t seen Sandavius since we were children. After our family home foreclosed years ago, I’ve lived in Alaskus.

Trumpilius:

A glorious state of hardworking constitutionalists! You will be compensated for your time, boy. The beauty of me is I’m very rich, and you can be too. I’ve had no help getting through to Naderatio; he has no honor and will not share with me the source of Sandavius’ newfound psychosis. My darling wife suggests a supernatural explanation, but that’s only helpful when campaigning before the poorly educated. You’ve heard of Biana’s murder and it hit us hard – but he’s in an even deeper hole than before. Since you were close to him as a child, I’m asking you to stay and spend time with him. He needs fun, but nothing that will hurt my campaign. See what you can learn, and consider how we may fix him.

Melaneril:

In his recent episodes, Sandavius talked of childhood times with Boehnerus and Naderatio. Please raise his mood because nothing else has worked.

Trumpilius:

Help us, and my presidency will look fondly on you. But what is the matter with your hand, why does it shake?

Boehnerus:

A side effect of a disease I’d rather not discuss. The poverty in my neighborhood is rampant.

Trumpilius:

All the more reason to help us, so we may lift you out. I’ll be the best president the poor have ever seen. Now go visit Sandavius, do not delay. Staff, come back and escort this fine young gentleman to my troubled son.

Boehnerus:

I pray to God that I may help him and please you, sir.

Trumpilius:

You’re a winner, son! And I’d know. I don’t lose often. And especially not now.

[Exit BOEHNERUS, escorted by TRUMPILIUS TOWER STAFF.]

[Enter LEWANDOWSKS in a hurry.]

Trumpilius:

There’s my campaign manager. Tell me good news, and if you’re ever going to pull an ungrateful reporter away from me again – do not let it appear on camera.

Lewandowsks:

I’m still terribly sorry about that, sir. But to the matter at hand. Clintonbras is gaining corporate support. The financial elite have thrown donations to her cause. They think you are dividing the Estabules with your incendiary comments.

Trumpilius:

She is a vile one. And not just to look at. We shall put tremendous pressure on Clintonbras to release her Goldmas Sacksus speech transcripts. It will be great fun to see her squirm like the snake that she is. She throws her woman card around like it’s an incorruptible gift from God. We will win bigly, believe me, Lewandowsks.

Lewandowsks:

Woman card? I love that. We shall fashion it into a weapon during the debates.

Melaneril:

[Aside.] Thank God that I shall spare the world from such a base display of arrogance.

Trumpilius:

Isn’t it obvious? Any man acting in the hysterical fashion of Clintonbras wouldn’t get five percent of the vote.

Lewandowsks:

Not five percent! You are a genius, sir. I’m writing that down.

Trumpilius:

You have a long and storied career, Lewandowsks. You have been at my side, and saw Sandavius grow up. Do you have any guess for why my son may be utterly morose?

Lewandowsks:

If I may be honest sir, he spends too much time with that Naderatio. The boy’s mind is being corrupted with fanciful ideas of Americus citizens getting free stuff. He would bankrupt Americus to give every citizen a free unicorn to fly to work. Naderatio has put it in your son’s mind that our most successful businesses should be taxed to death – he is completely unhinged.

Melaneril:

It may not be more than his mother’s death and our quick marriage.

Lewandowsks:

I fear more. He has embraced political ideologies too base to describe. See this letter I found on his desk.

[LEWANDOWSKS hands a paper of chicken scratch writing to TRUMPILIUS.]

Trumpilius:

You had knowledge of this and didn’t say?

Lewandowsks:

I thought not to anger you, sir. I kept the letter just in case his condition worsened.

Trumpilius:

[TRUMPILIUS begins reading the letter] “I have read your Leapus Manifesto and am emboldened by the transformative ideas” – what reckless direction is he following? [TRUMPILIUS continues reading] “More specifically, the leap to a green economy is very intriguing.” Where in the world did this filth originate?

Lewandowsks:

I am sad to say that a faction in Canadius is responsible for feeding these appalling ideas to Sandavius through Naderatio. I see now that you should have been privy to this.

Trumpilius:

This is tremendously disappointing. He should have never left for college.

Lewandowsks:

If I may; I overhead you speaking to Boehnerus and I think there is a better plan for him.

Trumpilius:

This better be good.

Lewandowsks:

Why not send Boehnerus to spy from hidden places instead of being friendly with Sandavius? Your son may be misguided, but he is not stupid. He will see though Boehnerus instantly and not disclose the source of his hidden agony.

Trumpilius:

I must know firsthand if Sandavius has been colluding with Canadius communists. My enemies will never let me forget it. We shall try this method. Be away now, Lewandowsks, you have much work to do for my coming engagements.

[Exit LEWANDOWSKS.]

[Enter SANDAVIUS reading a book.]

Trumpilius:

Son! Who is that bearded man on your book? Why is he so unkempt?

Sandavius:

You didn’t speak this way to mother. She always celebrated my reading.

Trumpilius:

A rude and spoiled brat you are. I established a tremendous university. You didn’t have to leave for college with that bad influence Naderatio.

Sandavius:

Put it all out in the open, father. All the kindling to a grand wicker man. Let’s light the fire and see who can take the heat.

Melaneril:

Son, we have a surprise for you. Staff, go find Sandavius’ guest.

Sandavius:

A guest? Well, isn’t that coincidental.

[TRUMPILIUS TOWER STAFF bring in BOEHNERUS.]

Melaneril:

You two get reacquainted now.

[Exit TRUMPILIUS and MELANERIL.]

Sandavius:

Welcome! What a strange reunion. Down on your luck? Need a spot in my father’s impending administration? I assure you, no experience is required.

Boehnerus:

Other than seeing Russisus from my hovel in Alaskus, I know nothing of foreign relations. I would be useless to your father.

Sandavius:

I think you have just the right intelligence for him. Regardless, you live in a state of fresh air and open wilderness. What brings you to this sad state?

Boehnerus:

Sad? All staff in this tower are polite and content.

Sandavius

They are watching for me to crack; there’s no time to explain. I’m on a singular mission and you’re, quite frankly, in the way.

Boehnerus:

I can tell that your father’s ambition is strong in you. Is it the possibility of a senior role in his administration that causes your anxiety?

Sandavius:

I’ve had terrible dreams, Boehnerus. Much worse than the ones that left me bedridden when we were children.

Boehnerus:

But a dream is a shadow of some larger source. Tell me of this mission you are undertaking.

Sandavius:

I won’t spoil the fun. A cake is moist on first bite but crumbles shortly after. Who wants a stale cake? Should we get some fresh air? I’m losing my mind in this stuffy room.

Boehnerus:

Anything you wish.

Sandavius:

No, wait. I have little time. Tell me straight: what is your business in New Yorkus?

Boehnerus:

I was craving a taste of city life and wanted to visit you.

Sandavius:

Oh, well that’s nice and fine. But who sent for you? Was it my father and his Far Eastern trophy wife?

Boehnerus:

What purpose would they have with me? I am as regular as a man may come.

Sandavius:

That’s what you think. But whatever money or riches Trumpilius promised you, I will give you more if you are honest with me.

Boehnerus:

I was sent for.

Sandavius:

What fragile beings we are! Yes, a fire has been ignited within me. Where the world once felt sterile and empty, there is now a vibrant sun and Holy purpose. How malleable people are when money is involved. And for what? A bit of hedonism before we are dust? But not me. I’ve so little time in this mission I must do.

Boehnerus:

The task is Holy? It is endorsed by God?

Sandavius:

More than you can know. Is that a knock I hear? The stage is now set for phase one. I’ve been hard at work, old friend. Are you familiar with the civil war in Syranus?

Boehnerus:

Syranus concerns your mission? Sandavius, we have meddled enough in that land. Come to your senses and tell me straight about this elusive mission.

[Knocking is heard. SANDAVIUS calls for the door to be opened. TRUMPILIUS TOWER STAFF bring in the SYRANUS ACTORS.]

Sandavius:

Welcome gentlemen. I see that you have changed and showered. I trust that your rooms are acceptable. My first-father and second-mother have the wrong idea about your culture.

Boehnerus:

Stand back, Sandavius. They can’t be trusted. Their land is in close proximity to the Far East. We must alert security! The Alaskus Estabules are fighting to keep these terrorists away from our calm wilderness.

Sandavius:

Relax, Boehnerus. I sponsored these actors. They have been vetted by three levels of intense screening. I mean to put on a play; one of father’s favorites. It will be my apology to him for being so difficult lately.

Boehnerus:

Have you gone mad? Do you not recall what Trumpilius has said of these people?

Sandavius:

I’m only the reflection of insanity. Place me in front of a mirror and I’m perfectly normal.

[Enter LEWANDOWSKS waving a gun.]

Lewandowsks:

Stand back, boys. These men are threatening you with their presence! How did they get by security?

Sandavius:

Stand down! I secretly sponsored and invited these fine actors.

Lewandowsks:

I pray that no cameras saw them enter the tower.

Sandavius:

After my father won the Estabule nomination, did you not advise him to call the ban on Far Easterners nothing more than a suggestion?

Lewandowsks:

Yes, but we are weeks away from Trumpilius’ pivoting to a centrist position on immigrants. These poor actors being in Trumpilius’ midst so soon will confuse the Estabule base.

Sandavius:

These actors will perform a play beloved by the Estabule base. It shall be an entertainment spectacle that outdoes any of the reality television Trumpilius has produced throughout the years.

Lewandowsks:

This is a huge gamble. You know that this election is all about optics, and if the timing is not perfect we may be ruined.

Sandavius:

Indeed. This performance of “The Murder of Lady Saddamo” will please the base and gain father traction elsewhere.

Lewandowsks:

I pray you are correct.

Sandavius:

I know I am. But now, come and meet our guests. [SANDAVIUS shakes hand with one of the actors.] What fabulous blonde hair. You will be perfect for the role of Lady Saddamo. [Turns to two actors who are brothers.] Yes, perfect. Your ages and mustaches will be perfect for the roles of Udas and Qusas. [Turns to an actor dressed as a woman.] What dedication to the role you have! I pray your voice hasn’t changed yet. [To the whole troupe.] You are most welcome here. I’ll show you back to your quarters and quell any suspicions that your stay may arouse. [Exeunt.]

ACT II, SCENE 3

Phoenixus, McCainnius’ residence.

[Enter LUCIA and DIEGO at the front gate.]

Lucia:

Diego, I can see the venue hosting the Arnoldus Palmeria charity dinner down the street from here. Go and run to it.

[DIEGO frowns.]

What’s that look you’re giving me?

Diego:

I ignored Trumpilius’ bigotry for as long as McCainnius kept a comfortable distance from him. Now that my master is that orange-faced lout’s running mate, I must decline.

Lucia:

You’ve been good to us for years, Diego. Now, please help in my time of most need. I am trembling for fear. [Aside.] Oh, let me not speak of McCainnius’ secret! My heart aches, but my resolve is strong. McCainnius told me of his dark deed before leaving today. He broke down when I blocked the door and asked him to stand before God and his vow of matrimony. After weeping bitterly about his mission, McCainnius pushed me from the door and ran down the street. [To DIEGO.] What are you doing with that bag?

Diego:

Packing, madam. The news showed Trumpilius supporters outside the charity dinner venue. Their signs read “make the wall 10 feet higher,” and “deport or kill all illegals.” You know that I’m undocumented.

Lucia:

But Trumpilius has already spoken of exceptions! You are a good man and McCainnius will not let any harm come to you. We will stop watching Foxia Newsis, and Trumpilius will strengthen the libel laws to protect you. Please, I’m begging you to go. McCainnius left in such a hurry that seeing me now would anger him greatly.

Diego:

They’re probably sitting at that charity dinner, laughing and eating their taco bowls. The event has only just begun, but I cannot go. The bus taking me to the border shall arrive soon.

Lucia:

No! Trumpilius is not even my greatest concern. Foxia Newsis has been running stories all week on Trumpilius’ deranged son Sandavius. If he were to gain power, I don’t know what I would do with myself. I need to know from a direct source if Sandavius is as volatile as the news media portrays him. For all that is good, go and let me know.

[DIEGO shakes his head and exits.]

Is this the way it all ends? But wait, who is that figure rushing toward the gate?

[Enter OBJECTIVIST.]

Stay back! I’ll call security and have you thrown away.

Objectivist:

Peace, Lucia. I’m the one who met your husband all those nights ago.

Lucia:

Were there not two of you? How can this be verified?

Objectivist:

I come from the charity dinner to say that Trumpilius has not arrived yet.

Lucia:

Stay on that side of the gate and tell me more.

Objectivist:

I saw Trumpilius walking through the streets attracting reporters like bees to honey. He boasted walking a distance to the venue to downplay the rumors of security concerns. I edged my way close and told Trumpilius that his policies would destroy my small business. He laughed and said that was for the states to decide.

Lucia:

His sentiment of loading all responsibilities to the states is devious, but this is not my immediate concern. What of my husband? Did you get inside the charity venue?

Objectivist:

Yes, and he is calm. You are privy to the plan, and I appreciate that you will not tell a soul. All has been organized without a moment of suspicion. Your husband shall be the presidential frontrunner after tonight. I leave you with this thought. Good night. [Exit.]

Lucia:

Good night. It is a chilly evening. I’ll go in and take something. Oh! My heart is weak for worry. May God bless your endeavour, McCainnius!

[Exit.]

ACT III, SCENE 1

Phoenixus, banquet hall.

[Estabules sit at dining tables waiting for TRUMPILIUS to arrive. The initial fanfare of Thus Spoke Zarathustra plays from hall speakers as the hall doors open and TRUMPILIUS enters. After shaking hands with prominent Estabules, and giving thumbs up to others, TRUMPILIUS takes his seat in the middle of the main table. Also seated at the main table are MELANERIL, SANDAVIUS, and MCCAINNIUS.]

Trumpilius:

Thank you, everyone. You’re too kind. And let’s hear it for the Arnoldus Palmeria Foundation. We’ll be making a lot of money for them tonight! A tremendous foundation, truly incredible. But now the election is close and I will win. It’s done. It’s me. We’ll find unity in the Estabule party. I’m open to getting along with everybody, and I’m counting on those endorsements. We need a president who builds! Clintonbras doesn’t have a clue about building!

[Estabules laugh and clap.]

Melaneril:

[Aside.] I must smile and keep absolute composure. Upon his poisoning I cannot wallow. My resolve to catch his assassin will unify the GOE against an enemy of my choosing. Steering President McCainnius down my path shall be simple.

Trumpilius:

I will be swift and hard against the terrorists. Just this week a sports stadium in Londonus was evacuated. More bombs and killers. They’re here, and all Obamprey does is command the states to let transgendered people use any restroom they want. Unbelievable! But I love entertainment and sports. In just a week’s time my son, Sandavius, will be putting on a tremendous play. It’s called “The Murder of Lady Saddamo” and if that doesn’t unify the party, I don’t know what will.

[SANDAVIUS waves and forces a smile.]

Sandavius:

[Aside.] So excruciating is this grin. But it is necessary to keep father unaware of my plans for next week. McCainnius too, I must watch closely. Soon I will know whose life I must bring to an end.

Trumpilius:

And then there’s my running mate, brave and noble McCainnius. He’s been to hell and back. No one supports my foreign policies like him. We spend hours at a time discussing the best way to support our allies and crush our enemies. It’s got to be Americus first. I’m talking about putting all Americusins first, and all the Democules can do is harass me over my tax returns. Sad! We need to unify and figure out what the hell is going on! Isn’t that right, McCainnius?

[MCCAINNIUS gives a thumbs up and laughs.]

McCainnius:

[Aside.] The act is justified. I’ve see the perpetual war that Trumpilius’ incoherent plan would continue. If not for anyone other than fractured veterans like me, he must be stopped. The poisoned cup sits at his plate. What marvels I accomplished to get it there unnoticed. Now be firm when he falls. Call for an immediate lockdown and internal investigation. No one outside the conspiracy can link the poison back to me.

Trumpilius:

And now for our common goals, and the huge amount of cash we will raise tonight, I propose a toast.

[TRUMPILIUS raises the poisoned glass of sparkling water with his right hand.]

That we may grow and be a tremendously unified party.

[Everyone raises their glasses.]

[Just before TRUMPILIUS brings the poisoned glass to his mouth, a PROTESTOR holding a sign that reads “PARDON NON-VIOLENT CRIMES” bursts through the hall doors. TRUMPILIUS places the poisoned glass back on the table.]

Protestor:

Please hear me, Trumpilius! I want to vote for you!

[Security rushes to escort the man out of the hall.]

Trumpilius:

Wait! Bring forward that fine citizen.

[Security take the sign from the man and search him for weapons. When they are adequately satisfied, they hold him and bring him forward.]

Now, what is the problem I can help you with?

Protestor:

You’re not afraid to tell these out of touch Estabules that we have deep and systematic problems in Americus, and I respect you for that. Your first decision as president should be to pardon people like my brother. He’s in jail on a minor drug possession charge.

Trumpilius:

I’m normally not someone who listens to a person who runs into a room yelling. But you see, this is an issue for the states to decide. I lost a brother from addiction and he should have received help. His state should have helped.

Protestor:

Be the president the people want. These Estabules would have kicked you out if they didn’t have to accept you.

Trumpilius:

I’m a negotiator and there’s things I will take off the table. Some I’m going to put on the table. I’ve got some suggestions that need to be ironed out with the other honorable men in this room.

[PROTESTOR knocks over TRUMPILIUS’ poisoned glass. The sparkling water spills on the tablecloth near SANDAVIUS.]

Protestor:

Coward!

[Security pulls the man back and escorts him out.]

Trumpilius:

Don’t you hate it when people are unreasonable?

[Estabules laugh. SANDAVIUS sniffs the poisoned sparkling water and notices a strange smell.]

Sandaivus:

[Aside.] Has Biana intervened and poisoned father’s sparkling water? This must be divine. Am I to trust in this sign?

Trumpilius:

I see a drip of sparkling water remains in my glass. I hate to waste, so I shall use this glass to once again toast this tremendous charity event. But first, I need to thank God for his protection. Please join me in saying a prayer from Two Corinthians.

Sandaivus:

[Aside.] No! This is unjust. I cannot let the potential assassin of my dear mother say a prayer and have his soul fly to Heaven.

Father, drop that glass! Call your security agents right away and have that sparkling water tested.

Melaneril:

[Aside.] Vile boy! He’s ruined everything! Now I must convince Trumpilius to see the error of his policies. There must be another way to avoid catastrophe. But now I must support him. I’ll do the womanly thing and be at his side.

[Security take the table cloth and begin to pack away everything else on the main table. Estabules murmur but stay calm. The hall doors are locked and the head of security advises no one to mention specifics of this incident to anyone on their cellphones. The head of security says that Trumpilius’ sparkling water smells like poison, but nothing can be confirmed yet.]

McCainnius:

There may be a traitor among us! Or was it an enemy to freedom who planted the poisoned sparkling water? We shall investigate every inch of this room and interrogate every person. There is a faction bent on destroying the Estabule party. Now, more than ever, we must unite!

[Aside.] The plan has been bested but not all is lost. I shall have a strong path as VP to convincing Trumpilius of saner options. Yet still, he may need to be eliminated.

[Security begin asking Estabules if they saw anything suspicious. People sitting at the main table begin giving statements to security. Secret service agents begin to enter the room. They push back reporters who have started to arrive in the lobby. Every time more secret service agents enter the hall, reporters snap photos from the crack in the doors.]

[Exeunt.]

ACT III, SCENE 2

New Yorkus, Broadwaus Theatre.

[Enter MELANERIL and SANDAVIUS in theatre seats. “The Murder of Lady Saddamo” is in intermission.]

Melaneril:

Don’t you think it’s a little soon for this play? Your father’s attempted murderer is still on the loose.

Sandavius:

Preposterous! We’re uniting the party. This is a show of strength and calm under pressure. And now that saving father has secured me a senior position in his administration, we’re going to sway voters with this impeccable performance.

Melaneril:

Do you forget that I was there when Biana descended from the Heavens? Why do you stall in avenging her?

Sandavius:

This isn’t stalling. Father promising me a top job means that he might be an ally, and my real mother gave clear instructions about allies. Tonight, I put him and one other person to the test. These are precise times and I cannot afford a mistake.

Melaneril:

If I were an enemy to Americus, I may fear you. And for this reason, you will prove invaluable to Trumpilius’ foreign policy.

Sandavius:

Indeed, why else would I spend day and night revising and preparing “The Murder of Lady Saddamo?” Father’s met with Henrys Kissenjus and all other hallowed Estabules, but none of those dinosaurs have my cunning.

Melaneril:

The play’s portrayal of the Bushus dynasty is unflattering, but now even the GOE admit that mistakes were made. Did the first two acts need to be so drawn out though? I pray you have some excitement ready for act three.

Sandavius:

Indeed! But who do I see returning to their seats? Father and his running mate? I am disappointed that Naderatio couldn’t make tonight’s performance, but with father and McCainnius in attendance all shall be revealed.

[Enter TRUMPILIUS and MCCAINNIUS to their theatre seats.]

Melaneril:

[Aside.] There’s the coward. McCannius has been avoiding me ever since our plan failed. He is getting too close to Trumpilius. I must find an opportunity tonight to refocus him.

Sandavius:

Welcome, father! What did you buy at the concession? Is that a bag of double stuffed Oreius cookies? Don’t forget what you told that governor about his snacking habits.

Trumpilius:

It is a tremendous cookie. And I care deeply about Governor Chrustus’ heath. He has been a fine ally and deserves a spot in my administration. What say you, McCannius?

McCannius:

I’m not feeling great, sir. And I must apologize if Lucia calls during the performance; she is also unwell. I must defer the question about Governor Chrustus as I cannot think.

Melaneril:

[Aside.] The coward has a moral sickness. I must cure his conscience.

Trumpilius:

It’s a strong man who makes appearances like this through sickness. And these Syranus actors are fantastic! Who knew that a people so close to the Far East could be so tremendous?

Melaneril:

I cannot deny their acting ability, but how can they all afford cellphones? Sandavius only sponsored their home and food. I’ve heard that Far Eastern terrorists are paying the phone bills of these migrants. The terrorists contact the migrants doing their bidding and strike us from the inside.

Sandavius:

This is a good joke, new mother. Foxia Newsis should have you as their terror correspondent. I pay their phone bills. Worry not, their electronic device use is strictly monitored.

Trumpilius:

You will fit in well as the national security advisor, son; or maybe another such position will be more appropriate. [TRUMPILIUS puts a whole Oreius cookie into his mouth and eats it.] But, why is this intermission so long?

Sandavius:

Act three is emotionally taxing for the actors. I’ve instructed them not to exaggerate, keep their passions moderate, no ad-libbing, and above all else: be natural.

Trumpilius:

If I didn’t know better, son, I would say that the fire in your eyes is a product of drugs. I love the war on drugs and my doctor Benus Carsonos suggests I intensify it. But to this matter, I see my focus and intensity is finally finding its way into you. I am overjoyed at this change.

Sandavius:

Thank you, sir.

[Aside.] He is not confirmed an ally yet. Do not too broadly give this impression. But in McCainnius I see deep unease at the play. Could he be the devil who killed my true mother? The next scene is very close to my dear mother’s murder. I must watch Trumpilius and McCannius carefully when that scene begins. The murder’s guilty conscience will reveal itself.

But now, what new guests are arriving?

[Enter LEWANDOWSKS and BOEHNERUS.]

Lewandowsks:

Trumpilius, sir. I’ve heard reports that this theatre is not safe.

Trumpilius:

You humour me. This theatre is swarming with security. This is a tremendous event to unify the GOE. I can’t lose support. It just doesn’t happen. I could shoot a man in the middle of Fifthus Avenue and not lose any voters.

Lewandowsks:

As you wish, sir.

Sandavius:

You are a man shrouded in mystery, Lewandowsks. But I’ve heard you performed Shakespeare in college?

Lewandowsks:

Yes, I did. My best role was that of Othello. This was long ago when blackface was acceptable. I gave the moor’s impassioned speech about honor and love and stabbed myself.

Sandavius:

Marvelous! You will star in my next production. And Boehnerus, welcome. Do you remember the stories I wrote when we were children?

Boehnerus:

You were a voracious reader and writer. I could never keep up.

Sandavius:

Yes, and the following scene is my magnum opus. I dedicate it to the memory of my lovely mother, Biana. And to think, I was so recently wearing mourning clothes for her and wallowing in my own self-pity. Ah, the Syranus actors are ready. The curtain rises!

[Moonlight Sonata Movement 1 plays. A pantomime show begins.]

[Enter a military dictator and his wife walking arm in arm. The dictator goes to count his money and his wife scolds him. He walks away and begins speaking to an exotic woman. The exotic woman cries about the devastation of her homeland. The dictator embraces and kisses her, but then he points to his wedding ring. The exotic woman whispers in his ear. The dictator giggles and walks back to his wife. They argue and the dictator leaves the stage. The wife is alone in her garden when a masked man sneaks up behind her and smothers her with a chloroform-soaked rag. A camouflaged spider hole is revealed in the garden. The wife is buried alive in it. The spider hole is filled in and re-camouflaged on the surface to blend in with the garden. Moonlight Sonata Movement 1 fades out. Exeunt.]

Lewandowsks:

This is most unusual. What does it mean?

Sandavius:

It means that my destiny is being revealed.

Boehnerus:

Can you not say the exact meaning of this bizarre pantomime?

Sandavius:

Let the actors weave the narrative.

[Enter Syranus actors playing the roles of SADDAMO and LADY SADDAMO.]

Saddamo:

We’ve been married fifteen years now.

Lady Saddamo:

And I hope to stay in love twice as long. But I am worried that you have been increasingly wrapped up in your military conquests. Our children need a good father for their role model, and I fear that you are too distant. I love you deeply, but my fear of the family falling apart is also very real. Please do not be angry. You know I worry a lot about little things.

Saddamo:

The truth is that my enemies are legion and it is not safe for you to be with me anymore. It would not be fair to keep this going. I trust that you can find another man who has fewer enemies and more time for you. Also, there is another woman.

Lady Saddamo:

Find another man? I would rather be dead than betray our vow of matrimony. When a woman takes a second husband, she is bound by the shame of the first.

Sandavius:

[Aside.] Savage!

Lady Saddamo:

I can accept that you want another woman, but don’t pretend that it is for love. I cannot take a second husband in bed; all my mind would think about is you wishing we be unwed.

Saddamo:

Don’t be so quick to say that. People change their minds. I recently met with an Americus official named Rumsfeldus and we have more in common than either thought. I came away from our meeting with a fresh perspective, and I hope that our separation provides you with a new beginning. You know that I’ve been very lucky in life, and have had some tremendous hardships. And along with this luck, love also changes. Even though we need to go our separate ways, I will still work very hard for your safety and to stabilize our region.

Lady Saddamo:

I know your secrets; you will not leave this ordeal unscathed. Prepare your lawyers. Play right into the hand of Americus and see your military destroyed. I will have no sympathy when they turn on you.

Sandavius:

A striking vow, but will she keep it?

Saddamo:

You had best think on that threat. As you know, I’ve made powerful alliances. And this new woman is from a dangerous land. She introduced me to the leader of that fine nation, and he has agreed to support my campaigns. But now I’ve said too much, and I’m off to sleep in my own quarters.

[Exit SADDAMO.]

Lady Saddamo:

Go then. I will be in the garden, contemplating my new life.

[Exit LADY SADDAMO.]

Sandavius:

New mother, are you enjoying the play?

Melaneril:

I am intrigued by the other woman. What is her motivation?

Sandavius:

Well, I like to call this section of act three The Unsilencing. It is about a murder committed in Iraqus. Saddamo is the military dictator’s name, and his wife is the passionate Lady Saddamo. You and I have honest souls, so this section will not perturb us. But I will watch for the guilty party to make himself known.

Melaneril:

After escaping the agony of life in the Far East, my conscience may be described as amoral. I no longer separate virtue from vice. No amount of treachery, or macabre image, can make me wince. And through my coaching, Trumpilius has learned to block all moral weakness.

Sandavius:

What a stupendous tale, I must remember it for a future production. But look now, Lady Saddamo is alone with her thoughts.

[Enter LADY SADDAMO. She is pacing as SADDAMO shouts from his room in the Iraqus presidential palace. He speaks of pacts and back-stabs. He considers gassing a minority ethnic group to consolidate power. The exotic woman is with him. She gives him an idea that causes him to giggle. He puts on a disguise and quietly walks out to the garden. When LADY SADDAMO isn’t looking, he smothers her with a chloroform-soaked rag. She is buried alive in a spider hole that is camouflaged in the garden. SADDAMO and the exotic woman embrace and begin wedding preparations.]

Sandavius:

You see, the exotic woman has political ambitions of her own, and she manipulates Saddamo to push a revitalization of her own destroyed homeland. Lady Saddamo is later found, in the camouflaged garden spider hole, by Americus forces that invade Iraqus. Act five of the play ends with an Iraqus Special Tribunal hanging Saddamo for his war crimes, crimes against humanity, and genocide. The last scene depicts Americus ushering in a new era of enduring Iraqus freedom.

[MCCAINNIUS holds his head and screams. He falls from his seat and trembles on the floor.]

Lewandowsks:

What’s happened? Where’s the danger?

Sandavius:

[Aside.] Ah, there’s the sign. McCainnius’ guilt seeps through his skin.

Trumpilius:

Peace, McCainnius. It’s only make believe.

Lewandowsks:

There’s trouble afoot. Our safety is compromised. Stop the play! Turn on the lights! Bring medical help for Senator McCainnius!

Sandavius:

[Aside.] Mother shall be avenged. Now I shall go to phase two of my plan. This is the perfect excuse for my escape.

Everyone out! You heard the man. McCainnius is deeply moved!

Melaneril:

I’ve lived through extreme trauma. I will stay and comfort McCainnius until the medial professionals arrive.

Lewandowsks:

Suit yourself; everyone else exit with great haste!

[Exit all except MELANERIL and MCCAINNIUS.]

Melaneril:

What kind of a man is this? A weak snivelling creature.

[MCCAINNIUS’ trembling subsides and he begins taking deep breaths.]

McCainnius:

Please, help. I may be dying.

Melaneril:

No, first you’re going to listen to me. After you’re done with this pitiful episode, we need to regroup.

McCainnius:

I cannot. Lucia knows everything. Her concern over my wellbeing and that of Americus has left her bedridden. She will not tell a soul.

Melaneril:

This is deeply disappointing.

McCainnius:

I am to be Trumpilius’ vice president, and in that role I will steer him as best I can. It is a lesser evil than Clintonbras winning the Whitus House. [MCCAINNIUS grabs his seat and lifts himself into it.] I cannot bear this torment any longer. This vile play brought it out in me. Only therapy keeps suicidal thoughts at bay.

Melaneril:

If you’re not man enough to do anything about this, then I will. The Objectivist has many such options for the right price.

McCainnius:

I will not stand in your way, as long as my wife and I are not in danger.

Melaneril:

Worry not. I have more honor than you shall ever know. My focus is only on Trumpilius. Maybe you will show some integrity as president, but as for now I see nothing more than a coward.

McCainnius:

You may do well to eliminate Sandavius as well. His brash assertiveness is troubling.

Melaneril:

I will do what is right to see the terrorists vaporized from my homeland. Take solace in knowing that you are safe – that is, unless a word of this conversation is ever unearthed.

[A medical team appears in the doorway and rushes down the aisle to treat MCCAINNIUS.]

Paramedic:

Dear lady, please stand back as we stabilize the Senator. Also, Sandavius sends a message. He demands your immediate presence in his room.

Melaneril:

Thank you.

[Aside.] If this boy thinks to play me, he is the fool. Trumpilius and I have instructed Boehnerus to spy on all of Sandavius’ conversations. Boehnerus shall be hidden in the room. He will be privy to the secrets I extract from the Sandavius.

[Exeunt.]

ACT III, SCENE 3

New Yorkus, Sandavius’ hotel room.

[Enter SANDAVIUS.]

Sandavius:

Now, how may I best exact my revenge on McCainnius? New mother has seen some reddish work done in her homeland. She may have insight in how to extract agony from the murderer of sweet Biana. But I will stay on my guard; she is crafty and has not the emotional weakness of most women.

Melaneril:

[Offstage.] Sandavius! You’re in trouble now!

Sandavius:

Maybe she shall spank me. I would not resist.

[Enter MELANERIL.]

Melaneril:

Boy! How dare you cause flashbacks to a fragile senator? You know McCainnius is in therapy. You insult the brave servicemen of Americus with your dumbshow.

Sandavius:

You’re insulting my real mother with this irrational blathering. I have much work to do. And if you won’t help, then please leave.

Melaneril:

What is this plan? You think McCainnius is behind Biana’s murder? Trumpilius should ship you off to Englandus to cool you down.

Sandavius:

Now is that any way for a mother to speak to her son? Although, I wish you weren’t.

Melaneril:

Sit down and listen. I wish I could just see what part of your brain malfunctions and cut it out. But until then, the truth will have to do.

Sandavius:

I saw the truth of my murdered mother tonight. McCainnius’ guilt was in full display. I have ideas, but need your advice on how to rip him from the Earth. Although you’re not moral, I know you are honorable.

Melaneril:

Your mother exists nowhere. We are corporal beings and nothing more. I thought that a young intellectual as yourself would know this. That vision was a drug.

Sandavius:

I won’t stand for such disrespect.

[SANDAVIUS turns around and opens a box. The contents of the box is unseen, but SANDAVIUS is putting something mechanical together. He turns around a points a gun with a long silencer on it at MELANERIL.]

Desecrate the Holy orders of my true mother again, I dare you.

Melaneril:

You’d kill me? Go ahead. Leave Trumpilius with no direction and a broken campaign. Now I see why the National Rifilus Association was so quick to endorse him. You’re all lunatics.

Boehnerus:

[From behind a curtain.] Someone help! Sandavius has lost his mind!

Sandavius:

Who’s that? That language compels me to stand my ground. I fear for my life!

[SANDAVIUS shoots though the curtain. BOEHNERUS falls forward and a small switchblade drops from his pocket. He bleeds on the floor. He dies.]

Melaneril:

What a waste! Look what you have done.

Sandavius:

What? He is an illegal? Does he hope to be rushed to a hospital where my tax dollars will pay for his treatment?

[SANDAVIUS calmly places the gun back in its box.]

Melaneril:

What a senseless man you are! I shudder to think what kind of a security advisor you will be.

Sandavius:

Oh, poor Boehnerus. But truth be told, he didn’t have anything going on in Alaskus. He was nothing more than a third-rate spy who may not even be good worm food.

Melaneril:

You will rot in prison for this. You’ll bring shame to the GOE.

Sandavius:

I hate hypocrites. Your marriage oath to father is more shameful than this obvious act of self-defence. You’ve insulted not only the memory of my dear mother, but also the religion that we uphold above all else. May Heaven look down on you and bring justice.

Melaneril:

I married for love. You are incapable for knowing. Why is it that you spend so much time with Naderatio? Tell me if thoughts of girls make you squirm.

Sandavius:

[SANDAVIUS pulls his necklace to reveal a locket under his shirt. He opens it. There is a picture of Biana inside.]

Look at this image and then shine a light on your face. This image has the straight, golden hair of Aphrodite. Americus would launch a thousand jets just to keep her face from danger. Every man turned when her perfect hourglass figure went by. That was the only woman I ever loved. Now there’s you. A scraggly lump of curls sit like Medusa’s snakes on your mal-shaped head. Can’t you see this? You cannot say you married Trumpilius for love; he keeps you quiet at all public functions or has Lewandowsks write you a script. Nor can he satisfy your carnal desires, not judging upon the size of his stubby fingers. Did a devil blindfold him to take you? Have you enchanted him with a Far Eastern spell? What fire erupts in your eyes? Is it so hard to hear the truth? We both know that my father’s Ovalus Office exploits with interns will make the scandals of Clintonbras’ husband look Saint-like by comparison.

[MELANERIL makes a run for the gun box behind SANDAVIUS. He pushes her back and she falls to the floor. ]

Melaneril:

Do not underestimate the influence I hold over Trumpilius. One word from me and you will be cut from his life.

Sandavius:

I’m shaking in my boots. But please, be on your way. You won’t be a help to my plans. I won’t speak of this meeting. I see that it benefits me not to have you involved.

Melaneril:

I’ll never answer to you.

[MELANERIL looks over at dead BOEHNERUS.]

What a shame. All this fuss because a drug hallucinated your mother. If she wasn’t erased from existence, Biana would be ashamed at what you’ve become.

[SANDAVIUS turns to the gun box and takes an ammunition box from a drawer.]

Sandavius:

Leave before Heaven compels me to act.

Melaneril:

What a weak, pathetic fool. If you’re a man, then kill me and don’t hesitate about it.

[SANDAVIUS fumbles with the ammunition and collects it from the floor. He looks up and gasps.]

[Enter BIANA’S GHOST.]

Sandavius:

Dear, true mother. Tell me what to do.

Melaneril:

What? You’ve not ingested the Objectivist’s drug. You are forcing a mental hallucination.

Sandavius:

Please forgive me from straying from my mission. This is a most useless meeting, and I will end it at once. I know who killed you now; please, I need more time to avenge your soul.

Biana’s Ghost:

Do not despise potential allies, talk to her.

Sandavius:

New mother, I apologize. Are you well?

Melaneril:

Am I well? Am I the one speaking to an image projected from my brain? Your eyes are twitching and your hair is standing straight up. I cannot see this mirage. I cannot hear this voice.

Biana’s Ghost:

Make her promise to not speak of this meeting, or testify against you.

[SANDAVIUS loads the gun and points it at MELANERIL. He shoots near her head.]

Sandavius:

You will speak to no one about this. You will not vilify my name in court.

Melaneril:

I cannot deny my presence here, but I will not speak against you.

Sandavius:

No. Mother! She’s floating away. Her burial dress is tattered but its beauty shines through!

[Exit BIANA’S GHOST.]

[MENANERIL sends a text message from her cellphone as SANDAVIUS is waving and sobbing.]

[MENANERIL inches toward the door.]

Sandavius:

Go. And do not hold this meeting against me. I am fractured. I will avenge mother. I will make the world better; even if I must answer to father.

Melaneril:

Perhaps we have found common ground. My goal is simple. I hope to -

[Police Officers rush through the door. They grab MELANERIL and pull her out of the room. They notice the gun in SANDAVIUS’ hand and tackle him. SANDAVIUS is handcuffed.]

Sandavius:

I will go peacefully, officers. See the switchblade next to the deceased. I merely defended myself.

ACT IV, SCENE 1

New Yorkus, courtroom.

[Enter MCCAINNIUS in the courtroom’s observation seating. SANDAVIUS and his lawyers sit at the defence desk. The judge’s seat is empty.]

McCainnius:

[Aside.] Now the arguments are done and the judge will make his ruling. A trial by judge alone is peculiar for this type of crime, but it was allowed. Melaneril blubbered her way through her testimony of the encounter. She did not describe specifics for apparent memory loss over the horrible murder of Boehnerus. When Melaneril was pressed for details, considering the daily horror she experienced in the Far East, she fainted. Naderatio’s character reference spoke volumes of Sandavius’ gentle and caring nature. When Sandavius finally took the stand, he spoke in hushed tones. He was sympathetic and apologetic. As no family or references appeared on Boehnerus’ side, the trial was short. All else that occurred is lost to my aching head. Now we are back to hear the judge’s verdict, and the presidential debate is dangerously close. The evidence is circumstantial, but I fear public outcry will sway the decision. Even if Boehnerus did have a switchblade on him, it is not technically illegal to have one concealed in New Yorkus. But how shall the Trumpilius’ campaign continue if Sandavius is convicted? I’ve been sorely absent from my poor, sick wife, Lucia, as Trumpilius sent me on a whirlwind damage control tour. The countless interviews defending Sandavius’ right to stand his ground have taxed me so entirely. How shall I keep my composure for at least a four year term? I know government officials who take pills to calm themselves to face the media. Though staunchly opposed to self-medicating, I see the appeal. It’s worth it; keeping Trumpilius in check when no one else will dare question him is worth it. The pressure is overwhelming, but for the sake of a stable Americus I must stay strong.

[Enter JUDGE to his seat. All rise. JUDGE sits and motions everyone else to do the same. JUDGE opens a file and spreads out papers. He adjusts his glasses and takes a sip of water.]

Judge:

I’ve poured over the evidence and have a decision. I will confirm that the defendant’s family and political on-goings had no place in my decision. I now ask the defendant to stand for my verdict.

[SANDAVIUS stands. He wipes his face with a tissue and slowly raises his head to meet the JUDGE’S gaze.]

For the charge of second-degree murder, Sandavius would have needed to act from a place of ill will, hatred, spite, or evil intent. I find through the testimony and evidence, that this threshold was not met. Sandavius is not guilty of second-degree murder. For the charge of manslaughter, a charge that may carry 30 years in prison, Sandavius would have needed to intentionally commit an act or acts that caused the death of Boehnerus. Likewise, the court proceedings did not meet this threshold. I find Sandavius not guilty on all charges.

[Muttering begins. JUDGE taps his gavel on a sound block.]

We will have order. A longer, written version of my decision will be available shortly. The defendant may sit.

[SANDAVIUS nods and turns to shake the hand of one of his lawyers. He has no visible reaction to the verdict. He sits.]

The court is now adjourned. For Boehnerus to rest in peace. We must all go in peace.

McCainnius:

[Aside.] And so it continues. Sandavius will no doubt make a statement outside the courtroom. One that I will have to later clarify for the major news networks. No doubt independent news outlets will also ask questions, but Lewandowsks can field those. For some reason it is always I, the young senator and war hero, who everyone wants an opinion from. I shall tell Trumpilius that the schedule he demands is unreasonable. I need more time at home. I fear that he will not accept my request, but I must remind him that no other running mate will ensure an Estabule victory.

[SANDAVIUS leaves the courtroom. As the doors open, reporters crane their cameras to get a shot of SANDAVIUS. He walks past the mob and smiles.] [Exeunt.]

ACT IV, SCENE 2

New Yorkus, outside the courthouse.

[Enter SANDAVIUS on the steps of the courthouse. A throng of reporters with microphones and recorders flank him. One of his lawyers step forward to speak, but SANDAVIUS motions for the lawyer to step aside. MCCAINNIUS watches from a distance.]

Sandavius:

I would like to thank my lawyers, and say that I respectfully accept the judge’s decision. I am proud to live in an Americus that champions individual freedom. I must freely and honestly say that I feel saddened and disrespected by the accusations levelled against me in court. My lawyers worked around the clock to see that justice, in accordance with the Americus constitution, was done. I ask that the public pray for myself and my family, so that we can move forward in peace. Under our constitution everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I accept the positive and negative comments that I have received. My lawyers have advised me to not countersue the state for its gross misconduct of me. And now we go forward with respect and humility. God bless all of you, and God bless Americus.

[Reporters ask questions and snap photos as SANDAVIUS and his lawyers walk down the steps to a full-size luxury SUV waiting for them. The SUV drives away. The crowd disperses.]

McCainnius:

[Aside.] What a marvel that boy is. Repudiating the charges in a most passive-aggressive manner. I shall watch Sandavius closely, he cannot be allowed to form Trumpilius’ policies.

[A coach bus with an image of CLINTONBRAS’ smiling face and the slogan “CLINTONBRAS FOR AMERICUS” stops at a nearby gas station.]

[Aside.] Is this a divine encounter? There must be a reason why the bus of my enemy has stopped so near. I will investigate.

[MCCAINNIUS walks toward the coach bus. The coach bus door opens. Enter CLINTONBRAS CAMPAIGN AIDE.]

McCainnius:

You there, tell me where your mistress’ bus is headed.

[Upon recognizing MCCAINNIUS, CLINTONBRAS CAMPAIGN AIDE turns around and scurries up the coach bus’ steps.]

McCainnius:

I come in peace, as one Americusin to another.

[CLINTONBRAS CAMPAIGN AIDE gingerly walks down the coach bus’ steps.]

Where, may I ask, is Clintonbras’ campaign headed?

Clintonbras Campaign Aide:

I’m not at liberty to say exactly, but it’s a small town.

McCainnius:

So will you just drive through and distribute campaign flyers?

Clintonbras Campaign Aide:

No. It’s almost a ghost town, but our breakneck schedule requires Clintonbras’ actual presence there. It’s not really worth anything in the grand scale of delegates or voters. I wouldn’t live there if you paid me. But I’ve learned not to question why our campaign manager decides to visit towns that won’t really benefit the Democules or Estabules.

McCainnius:

So there won’t be any need for photo ops or speeches?

Clintonbras Campaign Aide:

There certainly will be. Clintonbras will have dinner with the town’s mayor and give a speech on how farming is the backbone of the Americus economy.

McCainnius:

[Aside.] The amount of times Trumpilius has shaken hands with farmers in small towns are too numerous to enumerate. Is this what happens when pandering becomes a political necessity? [To CLINTONBRAS CAMPAIGN AIDE.] Thank you for the honest information.

Clintonbras Campaign Aide:

No problem. It looks like we’re all gassed up. Good bye.

[Exit CLINTONBRAS CAMPAIGN AIDE. Bus drives away.]

McCainnius:

Sandavius must be back at Trumpilius Tower for the presidential debate strategy meeting by now. I must be swift to join him. But first to collect my thoughts. A search for truth in this world is hard, but one thing I know: God created humans for divine pursuits. At the same time, why did God infuse the capacity for evil in the hearts of all people? Is this the cost for disobeying the Creator? Are we to be led by populist imbeciles for one mistake against God’s perfect order? I don’t have the motivation, willpower, or ability to challenge Trumpilius again. When he says no guns should be in classrooms, yet changes his stance to some teachers having firearms, I will point out the contradiction and provide a better option. Likewise, when Clintonbras inevitably attacks Trumpilius for supporting, then later opposing, the toppling of Gadaffus, I will tell Trumpilius how to respond with wit and charisma. Look at the endless hours we spend travelling through small towns in an election year; places we wouldn’t dream of setting foot near any other time. I know that being truly great means fighting for honor even if nothing is at stake. The world is watching. The world is trembling with anticipation. How could I not take the call to reinstate the vision Ronius Ceagan had for Americus? Off to speak strategy, we must absolutely crush Clintonbras in the debates.

ACT IV, SCENE 3

New Yorkus, strategy room in Trumpilius Tower.

[Enter TRUMPILIUS, LEWANDOWSKS, SANDAVIUS, and MCCAINNIUS.]

Trumpilius:

Tremendous job in court today, son. You handled that gross attack on your personal freedom like a pro.

Lewandowsks:

Not to mention, the National Rifilus Association is in ecstasy with how you won. Firearm sales have skyrocketed.

Sandavius:

You’re all too kind. I only acted in accordance with the second amendment. As any freedom-loving Americusin should.

McCainnius:

As an eye witness, I must also congratulate Sandavius for his calm under pressure. Having a steady hand will be hugely important for the presidential debate.

Trumpilius:

Steady? Are you a Democule now? I need high energy out of my team. Yes, that’s the ticket. Energy. Jobs in the energy sector. We need to bring them back. It’s a tremendous talking point.

Lewandowsks:

Clintonbras is concerned with job destruction. Our case is for prosperous job creation. It’s incredibly important to remember this, since the debate topic is the economy and energy jobs.

Trumpilius:

Yes, now I know why I pay you. And the Environmental Department, or what it is called?

McCainnius:

Environmentus Protectus Agency.

Trumpilius:

Yes, that one. Include it in my notes. It’s an absolute disaster. It’s not at all business friendly. And that insult of an environmental deal that someone told me the Democules signed in Parisus. I’m not briefed on it, but it stinks. I’ll keep pushing Americus first. That’s the line! We don’t need the Unitedus Nations. Not NATO either. We’re God’s chosen people!

McCainnius:

You might want to modify that last line, sir. It’s got some troubling religious connotations. And may I add that solar power is gaining momentum in terms of cost and political viability.

Trumpilius:

Yes, yes, indeed. I’m into all kinds of energy. Nuclear, solar, whatever.

Sandavius:

Not wind, though. Have you seen those giant wind turbines killing all of our eagles? It’s true. The campaign office is getting tons of calls about it.

Lewandowsks:

I can vouch for this claim. But, may I ask, sir, where Melaneril is? She is usually privy to these meetings.

Trumpilius:

Exhausted from the trial. I shall go check on her.

Lewandowsks:

I’m off as well. There’s an incredible number of phones calls to make.

[Exit TRUMPILIUS and LEWANDOWSKS.]

[SANDAVIUS and MCCAINNIUS stare at each other awkwardly for a moment. Each waits for the other to speak first.]

Sandavius:

I didn’t properly thank you for supporting me during the trial. The constant questions couldn’t have been easy.

McCainnius:

It was nothing. Only a part of my duty.

Sandavius:

We’d better get acquainted if we’re going to be on the same team. Tell me straight if you have any misgivings about my father’s policies. I have too many to count.

McCainnius:

We’re to be professionals. And I believe if Trumpilius has left, there’s nothing more to discuss.

Sandavius:

Don’t you want to know why Melaneril was so out of character during the trial?

McCainnius:

No. The matter is closed. I do not want to cause a mistrial. We’ve already spoken too much about it.

Sandavius:

You’re a feisty one. But the anger bubbles below the surface. Tell me something real. Reality is not a place where my father tends to live. How is your wife?

McCainnius:

I’d rather not go into that. I’ve spent a grossly inadequate amount of time with her.

Sandavius:

You’ll be jet-setting around the world as father’s vice president. Don’t expect your schedule to get any less constricted. But speak freely, I feel there is an ocean between us. I have no want for carnal desires, only friendship, and Naderatio fits that bill. But I am, what you may call, a voyeur. Is your wife satisfied?

[MCCAINNIUS takes a deep breath. He clenches his fists. His cellphone rings and he takes the call. MCCAINNIUS’ face turns a shade of grey as he listens. He ends the call and races for the door.]

Why such a rush?

McCainnius:

It’s Lucia. Her life is hanging by a thread.

[Exeunt.]

ACT V, SCENE 1

Phoenixus, graveyard.

[A GRAVEDIGGER and OTHER GRAVEDIGGER enter.]

Gravedigger:

Such a beautiful woman made old by worry and regret. It’s easy to guess her life story after being on the job for so many years.

Other Gravedigger:

Such a prominent woman too. The presidential debate last night had a somber tone because if it. I wonder if her death hurt Foxia Newsis’ ratings.

Gravedigger:

I doubt it. There was word of them cancelling the debate out of respect, but I knew it wouldn’t happen. That moment of silence at the beginning was all she would get. There’s too much money to be made.

Other Gravedigger:

It’s kind of sad, but I can’t blame them.

Gravedigger:

Yeah, I really don’t know what to think of this election. I’ve been a die-hard Estabule ever since the days of Ronius Ceagan, but I just can’t get behind Trumpilius. Did you see last night when he went off about eagles getting mangled in wind turbines? I hear that the gruesome videos he described are from somewhere in Canadius.

Other Gravedigger:

But aren’t you worried about that happening here? There’s only two graveyards in the state that haven’t totally been overrun by Mexos stealing out jobs. What if we’re next?

Gravedigger:

I’ve heard the stories. But I just can’t get behind a guy who says one month that the Chinesas created climate change as a hoax to make us uncompetitive, and then two months later he acknowledges that climate change is hurting his golf courses. It’s almost like we’re supposed to project our own beliefs onto him. No matter what Trumpilius says, everyone can interpret it differently and take him as their own. Can you think of any policies he has committed to completely?

Other Gravedigger:

He’s a straight talker in my book, and that’s all that matters. And honestly, you’d consider voting for Clintonbras? After she got demolished at last night’s debate?

Gravedigger:

Hell no. I do like the Libertarinus guy though. For all the constitution talk these politicians do, I don’t think it’s written anywhere that we need a two-party system.

Other Gravedigger:

Third party? Good joke. Although, you’re not the only Estabule fed up with our choices. Come on now, shovel. We’ve got to feed our families.

Gravedigger:

Yeah right. I’m working a double shift and my wife is spending all day at the restaurant. We’re barely making ends meet.

Other Gravedigger:

Wait until you have a kid in college. But anyway, we’ve wasted so much time with this pointless talk, that we need to push it or we’ll be fired.

[GRAVEDIGGER and OTHER GRAVEDIGGER hum to themselves as they dig.]

[Enter SANDAVIUS and NADERATIO in the distance.]

Sandavius:

Do these workers mean to desecrate the dead by singing while they dig graves?

Naderatio:

Peace, Sandavius. They’re only passing the time. I see no reduction in their quality of work.

[GRAVEDIGGER and OTHER GRAVEDIGGER hum and continue to dig. They clean the dirt out of a skull. ]

Sandavius:

What vile men these are. No respect for the deceased.

Naderatio:

It is their trade. The skeleton is another tool to them. One to be honored for its beauty and utility.

Sandavius:

To think, that skull so recently had a tongue and could sing. A leader needs perspective in such things. Father plans to intensify drone strikes and strengthen the military. But what of civilians who want nothing more than to live and sing? It’s a heavy head that wears the crown. That’s why I believe father wants to give states all the power. He would rather sit back and barely move the pieces. But I’ll be there. We will do this right.

Naderatio:

Americus is ultimately the property of the people. Listen to them.

Sandavius:

Indeed. The donors are few, but the people are many. But who now owns this skull? Who do we answer to when our flesh disappears? Then, the worms are our masters. This is why politicians do not visit the dead, it makes their bones ache thinking that Lady Worm will be their master.

Naderatio:

You have a very different countenance outside of media and politics. This isn’t the Sandavius I saw railing against Clintonbras on Foxia Newsis.

Sandavius:

I’ve got a face for every occasion. It’s a consequence of my position in father’s administration. Without these refreshing moments of honesty with you, I couldn’t go on.

Naderatio:

I hope that some part of you stays honest. Please don’t consider that statement a threat.

Sandavius:

Not at all. But this macabre scene before us haunts me so. Is this square box all we get to keep in this mortal world? Were the ancient Egypties so vain to think they could bring more to the abyss? I’m curious to pick the brains of these men. Excuse me, sir, do you know whose grave this is?

Other Gravedigger:

It might as well be mine, sir.

Sandavius:

Indeed. You are the one lying in it. So through some justification it is yours. But if we can be honest, a grave is for the dead and you are alive.

Other Gravedigger:

That I am. And it’s to your benefit. I plan to support Trumpilius in the election.

Sandavius:

What a curious place to talk politics. I feel totally unfettered by the stress of the world here.

Gravedigger:

There’s no apprehension in a graveyard. Especially not for the lady we are laying to rest today.

Sandavius:

Fantastic insight! Tell me how long the two of you have been gravediggers.

Gravedigger:

I’ve been doing this job all my life. But he just started on the day of the Floridia Primary. Do you recall? This was right before Majority Leader Mitchium and Speaker Ryanium were exposed for removing decorations for Trumpilius’ win.

Other Gravedigger:

This job is my escape. We get to appreciate the raw reality of the world, not its media-driven construction.

Sandavius:

The intelligence of college professors exude from these men! Tell me honestly, do you think that I am crazy? Many have labelled me so.

Gravedigger:

You’re just preparing for a job that makes everyone crazy. I see no abnormality in you.

Sandavius:

Divine revelation! Tell me. Whose fresh grave is over there? I see a skull laying on the mud.

Gravedigger:

That’s your enemy, Boehnerus.

Sandavius:

Honestly, it is?

Gravedigger:

Yes, that’s him.

[SANDAVIUS and NADERATIO walk to the grave and SANDAVIUS picks up the skull.]

Sandavius:

Oh, poor Boehnerus! I didn’t mean for it to end this way! Do you remember the times the three of us had? No one could lift my spirits like you two. And I certainly needed it. In the moment of kill or be killed, I reacted. And I had to save myself during the trial, I cannot be blamed for that. Are you sad that your life was cut short? I honestly thought you had nothing to live for. Not in desolate Alaskus. Melaneril could use some of this perspective. I should go tell her that no matter how much cosmetic surgery father makes her have, she will one day look like this. If she doesn’t think I’m crazy yet, she definitely will then. Naderatio, speak of lighter themes.

Naderatio:

Sorry? I didn’t hear you.

Sandavius:

Do you think the great President Ronius Ceagan looked like this when he was buried?

Naderatio:

I’m sorry to say that he did.

Sandavius:

And did he reek of putrefaction, too? Yuck! [SANADVIUS puts down the skull.]

Naderatio:

Just the same.

Sandavius:

To think that the same body that led Americus through enormous prosperity is now ruled by Lady Worm. But what do I hear? Let’s move over there and hide.

[SANADVIUS and NADERATIO hide.]

[Enter MCCAINNIUS, TRUMPILIUS, and MELANERIL in black funeral clothing. A PRIEST is also present.]

McCainnius:

Lucia has been given all of the proper rites now? Is she in Heaven?

Priest:

She lived an honest and honorable life. She never asked for more than she needed. Lucia lived as the Saints of old. I trust that she is with God’s most high.

McCainnius:

Thank you, dear Priest. But I cannot help to think that I could have saved her.

Priest:

God’s call is mysterious and unknown to us mere mortals.

McCainnius:

Just for peace of mind, is there any other rite you may perform?

Priest:

No. I have given all of my power to confirm what is in the Scriptures. She is with God now.

Trumpilius:

This is a tremendous tragedy. May beautiful flowers bloom from this consecrated ground.

Melaneril:

Only the best flowers for the best girl. [MELANERIL scatters flowers.]

Sandavius:

[To NADERATIO.] That vile woman poisons the ground that she walks on. How dare Melaneril show her face at this Holy event?

McCainnius:

How could I be so callous? The truth of her failing health was staring me in the face. I waited too long! Hold off burying her until I catch her in my arms one last time!

[MCCAINNIUS digs through the dirt on top of LUCIA’S grave. He caresses her bones. He is wailing.]

Trumpilius:

Stand up and compose yourself. There could be TMZUS cameras anywhere.

McCainnius:

Damn you, and damn the campaign!

Melaneril:

Dear, broken McCainnius. Come into my arms. In the Far East I saw bodies blown apart. This cannot heal overnight.

[MCCAINNIUS rises and walks toward MELANERIL.]

[SANDAVIUS comes forward from the hiding spot.]

Sandavius:

Stop right there, witch! You care nothing for this man’s plight. It’s all a game to you, isn’t it? You slept your way into Trumpilius Tower and now you plan to rule from on high.

Melaneril:

Villain! I should have buried you in court!

[There is an awkward pause.]

Trumpilius, say something!

Trumpilius:

Everyone needs to lower their voices. The election is dangerously close. This tremendous disturbance could cost us everything.

McCainnius:

Sandavius! What have you to gain from this? Why do you care about me all of a sudden?

Trumpilius:

We need to go our separate ways and let this cool.

McCainnius:

Answer me, boy! Have at you!

[MCCAINNIUS runs and SANDAVIUS and wrestles with him.]

[NADERATIO comes forward from the hiding spot.]

Naderatio:

McCainnius, no! You’ve come completely unhinged.

[NADERATIO separates MCCAINNIUS from SANDAVIUS.]

[SANDAVIUS takes out his gun and points it at MCCAINNIUS.]

Sandavius:

Is this what I get for being compassionate?

McCainnius:

Kill me and wipe every memory from my shattered mind. Lay me with my sweet Lucia.

Trumpilius:

Son, you’re damning Americus. Don’t be so selfish.

Sandavius:

[Aside.] I will get him soon. This is not the right place or time.

[SANDAVIUS puts away his gun.]

I’ll leave this campaign now, father, if you stay so foolhardy. You need to listen, and not just speak.

Trumpilius:

As I expect all in attendance to stay confidential, I will speak from the heart. You all know this is an election of optics. When I am president, the Estabules and all of Americus will be unified. But for the time being, the optics of me as a straight-talker must persist. I trust everyone here to know the importance of secrets. The gravediggers over there haven’t batted an eye at this quarrel, they care not. Everyone disperse and find their own way back to New Yorkus. I will not tolerate another outburst. Now go!

[Exeunt.]

ACT V, SCENE 2

New Yorkus, Trumpilius’ private room in Trumpilius Tower.

[Enter TRUMPILIUS and MCCAINNIUS.]

Trumpilius:

Dear McCainnius, how are you?

McCainnius:

Better since last week, but still not back to normal. The poll numbers are reassuring though; it looks like we may have four challenging years ahead of us.

Trumpilius:

We’ll attack it as a team. We’ve unified. The past week has unified us tremendously. Now all that’s left is tomorrow night’s final poll.

McCainnius:

Indeed, but I must ask a question, if we are to be totally open with one another.

Trumpilius:

Absolutely.

McCainnius:

Why did you not permit me time off when Lucia was mortally ill?

Trumpilius:

For you are the heart and soul of this campaign. You have given so much, and I did not want to disappoint you with failure. Your life has been one success after another, and the public perception of this is very strong. But before you and God, I must say that mistakes were made. I am completely apologetic, and will support you in every way possible.

McCainnius:

I appreciate this. But still, somewhere deep in my heart I feel the need for revenge. But against who?

Trumpilius:

I must admit that my time has been exhausted with Sandavius. He is a loose cannon even still. If it were not for his antics, then I would have been more aware of your plight and allowed you time off. The boy is smart and important to the campaign, but he is unruly beyond belief.

McCainnius:

Sandavius is the reason for all of this calamity?

Trumpilius:

Yes, and I can replace him in my administration too. But I will need your help.

McCainnius:

The blasted boy is responsible for love forever leaving my life. Say the word.

[TRUMPILIUS makes sure the door is locked and looks to see if anyone is within earshot.]

Trumpilius:

If we are to move forward with your divine vengeance, you must give me a vow of total secrecy.

McCainnius:

You have it.

Trumpilius:

Then for the good of a stable and unified Americus, and Lucia not dying in vain, please listen. There’s a lovely woman named the Objectivist who sells fantastic potions to the highest bidder. She cares for nothing but the good of her business, and promises complete client confidentiality. From her I have procured a potion that can be poured into one’s drink without anyone knowing the difference.

McCainnius:

Was not the same plot attempted against to you? How will you ensure success?

Trumpilius:

The potion was exceedingly expensive, but it cannot be detected by any of the human senses. Believe that I have taken every precaution. The potion creates irrational behaviour in the subject for a short time.

McCainnius:

Irrational behavior? How is this any different than the regular demeanour of Sandavius?

Trumpilius:

The potion will make Sandavius attack whoever is nearest him. You must be this person. When the time is right, use this gun and shoot him in an act of self-defence.

[TRUMPILIUS passes over a gun.]

McCainnius:

You would have your own son murdered?

Trumpilius:

We are talking about the harmony and unity of Americus for the next several generations.

McCainnius:

But won’t most of the voting be done by then? Can’t this hurt us?

Trumpilius:

Think of the tremendous support we received last time self-defence was on our side. And you are a war hero. There will be no question that you are in the right. And after that secret TMZUS camera caught images of our dispute last week, we need this shot in the arm. I don’t like the support Clintonbras has been gaining.

McCainnius:

It was not a wise move to back out of that debate with the independent candidate. Especially after a boxing promoter offered 20 million to charity, and Clintonbras said you would decline.

Trumpilius:

Now I am supposed to debate independents? It was an inappropriate and insulting offer. I have a lot of work to do. So please, if you are serious about saving Americus from the terrible legacy of Obamprey, go and be silent on the issue. I will have additional instructions soon.

McCainnius:

To avenge Lucia, I will do it.

[Exeunt.]

ACT V, SCENE 3

Romington, Trumpilius’ campaign room.

[Enter SANDAVIUS, TRUMPILIUS, LEWANDOWSKS, MELANERIL, MCCAINNIUS, and NADERATIO. A TV on the wall broadcasts election coverage.]

Sandavius:

The numbers are looking good, father, but the race is close.

Trumpilius:

We’re going to make Americus great again! Why can’t more of these blue states understand that?

Lewandowsks:

Quiet, sir. Clintonbras’ campaign team is in a room across from ours. The rules dictate that both campaigns be in close proximity in Romington on election night.

Trumpilius:

I know the rules. That’s the first thing I will change as president. Such arbitrary laws. Well, at least the rooms are soundproof. I’ll be as loud as I want! And what’s more, we’re going to reinstate the sovereignty of states. It will be a tremendous occasion. How does my darling wife feel?

Melaneril:

Proud beyond words. I am glad that we are unified around your leadership. How does the vice president-elect feel?

McCainnius:

As much as I want that title, it isn’t yet achieved. But I am committed to being less boring. This is the voters’ main criticism of me. And on that note, why not have a celebratory drink? We’ve unified the Estabules; Americus will come next.

Trumpilius:

A tremendous idea! Drinks please!

[A staff member brings in glasses of sparkling water.]

One for you, and you, and you, and you, myself, and here’s yours, son.

[TRUMPILIUS hands the cup with the potion in it to SANDAVIUS.]

For the unity and prosperity of Americus!

[Everyone drinks.]

[SANDAVIUS coughs and steps back.]

[MCCAINNIUS goes near SANDAVIUS.]

McCainnius:

Sandavius, are you ok?

[SANDAVIUS pushes back MCCAINNIUS.]

What is the meaning of this?

[SANDAVIUS sees a ceremonial sword on the wall and rips it down. He slashes the tray of glasses and the sparkling water from every glass washes over the sword’s tip.]

Trumpilius:

Son, drop that weapon!

[MCCAINNIUS takes out his gun and points it at SANDAVIUS.]

McCainnius:

Don’t force me to use this!

[SANDAVIUS slashes at MCCAINNIUS with the sword and creates a gash on his shoulder.]

[MCCAINNIUS shoots SANDAVIUS in the chest. SANDAVIUS falls.]

Naderatio:

Sandavius!

[MCCAINNIUS points the gun at NADERATIO.]

McCainnius:

You will step back!

[NADERATIO runs to a corner of the room and hides behind a couch.]

[LEWANDOWSKS runs out of the room and shuts the door.]

McCainnius:

That fool only means to save himself. He’s contractually bound to silence.

[SANDAVIUS holds his chest. He bleeds on the floor.]

Sandavius:

It’s her. I have nothing left to hide before God. McCainnius, I was wrong. The spectre of my mother Biana was wrong. I see it now, the Holy Spirit shows me! The Angels make me brave! Melaneril is turning us against each other. She means to destroy Americus and lead the Far East against us.

[SANDAVIUS loses consciousness.]

[MCCAINNIUS turns to MELANERIL.]

Melaneril:

You trust an insane man who is dying? His brain is losing oxygen. He’s speaking nonsense!

[MCCAINNIUS exposes a hidden dagger.]

Melaneril:

Listen to me. I’ve helped Americus through this campaign, and you know it. I loved this land too much, and only want peace in the Far East. None of you know how to do it. And when you are advised against destabilizing a region, you do it anyway. Only I can steer Americus toward peace. Kill me now and that dream dies forever.

[MCCAINNIUS throws the dagger at MELANERIL. The blade enters her open mouth and goes through the back of her head. She falls and dies.]

[MCCAINNIUS starts walking toward TRUMPILIUS and points the gun at him.]

Trumpilius:

Calm, McCainnius. The potion must be wearing off now.

[MCCAINNIUS shakes his head and lowers the gun. He looks around.]

McCainnius:

Who did this carnage?

Trumpilius:

It was self-defence, that’s all that matters. And now we shall lead together. The votes are still being tabulated.

[There is a rustling sound behind MCCAINNIUS.]

[MCCAINNIUS raises his gun, but does not turn around in time. SANDAVIUS is pointing a gun he had hidden at MCCAINNIUS. He shoots MCCAINNIUS in the head. As MCCAINNIUS falls, he accidentally shoots TRUMPILIUS. Both MCCAINNIUS and TRUMPILIUS die.]

Sandavius:

Stand away from father, McCainnius. He’s an ally.

[SANDAVIUS continues to bleed. He dies.]

[NADERATIO creeps out from behind the couch. He begins to weep.]

[Enter LEWANDOWSKS bursting into the room with police.]

Lewandowsks:

Gag clauses be damned! My guilt is too great.

[LEWANDOWSKS surveys the room.]

What horror!

Naderatio:

I will relay everything that happened.

[Enter CLINTONBRAS with her campaign team.]

Police Chief:

Do not step further, ma’am. This is a police investigation.

Clintonbras:

I cannot fathom the destruction before me. Lamentable sight.

Naderatio:

There’s been mayhem between these dead bodies for at least a year. I can explain everything. They are casualties of the political landscape. When so much is to be gained by thinking so little of the enemy. Each double-crossed the other, and all I could do was watch. They wouldn’t have listened to me if I tried. Each embroiled in their own conspiracy. I will convey all of the violent and treacherous acts. There is nothing left to hide.

Police Chief:

Speak freely. We shall fully interrogate Clintonbras as well.

Naderatio:

I will say more in an official capacity at the police station. But for now, know that none are wholly innocent. All are punished and all are responsible. You too Clintonbras, have a stake in this bloodbath.

Clintonbras:

I suspect that through political rhetoric there is blame to be cast in a wide net. And now that the Estabule campaign has self-destructed, I will institute a new tone in politics. We cannot forget this tragedy.

Naderatio:

A new tone? Introduce legislation on the issue and only then will I believe you. Moreover, I see the same financial advisors on your team that lead us into the great recession. How can I believe anything will change in your presidency?

Clintonbras:

This sobering scene speaks volumes. There’s nothing to say. My team is experienced and knows their mistakes. Through legislation we will work toward a more perfect union.

Naderatio:

And for the Libertarinus people who despise big government? You know they are a growing voice.

Clintonbras:

Every Americusin’s freedom is paramount. Where the government steps in is for protection. The rest shall be decided in a more open manner. I accept the challenge and promise of new voices and new parties coming forward. Did the founding fathers ever write a two-party system into the constitution?

Naderatio:

Maybe that’s the first question we should ask.

Police Chief:

A car is coming to take everyone to the police station. This room will be sealed off.

[NADERATIO, LEWANDOWSKS, CLINTONBRAS, and her campaign team walk down the hall with police escort. A stream of reporters race inside from the open lobby doors. Police push back reports trying to shove cameras and microphones into the faces of the exiting individuals.]

[Exeunt.]

Background Information on Marty Kirby.

Marty Kirby is an American patriot.

Contact Marty at [email protected]

Follow Marty @RealTrumpilius

Get updates at www.trumpiliusjcaesar.com


Trumpilius J. Caesar

When Trumpilius J. Caesar wins the Floridia primary, opponents scoff at his presidential aspirations. But when he wins the Estabule Party presidential nomination, his exotic second wife, Melaneril, hatches a plan to eliminate the orange-faced lout, and influence his running mate, McCainnius, with foreign policy ideas that further her personal goals. Trumpilius' son, Sandavius, is searching for the murderers of his biological mother, Biana, and scorns the thought of accepting Melaneril as his new mother. McCainnius is an Americus senator and war hero who just wants to do the right thing. He disagrees with Trumpilius' policies, but accepts the running mate position because he believes in the Estabule values set down by legendary President Ronius Ceagan. Clintonbras is the Democule Party's presidential nominee. She hopes to continue the policies of Obamprey, but also intensify his military campaigns. In the shadows, the Libertarinus Party is growing as Americus citizens feel betrayed by both the Estabules and the Democules. Chock-full of conspiracy and double-crosses, Trumpilius J. Caesar is a five-act play that examines the pain and pressure of modern politics.

  • ISBN: 9781310554490
  • Author: Marty Kirby
  • Published: 2016-06-10 03:35:18
  • Words: 19523
Trumpilius J. Caesar Trumpilius J. Caesar