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Tom's Great Joke Book



Love from Tom x

To give to Southport Hospitalt in memory of my Grandad Peter

Heyes please go to my Just Giving Page



To give £1 text ‘TGJB77 £1’ to 70070

To give £3 text ‘TGJB77 £3’ to 70070

To give to British Heart Foundation in memory of my

Gangang David Birchall please go to my Just

Giving Page



To give £1 text ‘TGJB67 £1’ to 70070

To give £3 text ‘TGJB67 £3’ to 70070

[*Why write a book? *]

*It all started when I was practising my handwriting. *

*My Mum and Dad bought me some handwriting *

*books to do, but they were incredibly boring and I *

[*didn’t like doing them. *]

*My Dad decided to throw the books in the bin and *

*we started writing jokes out to practise my *

[*handwriting instead! *]

*Soon I had lots of jokes and I thought it would make a *

*great book. I wanted to raise some money for charity *

*in memory of my Grandads . *

[*As I didn’t have enough jokes I thought Harry Hill might *]

*send me some more, so I decided to write him a letter. *

*This gave me a fantastic idea and before my holidays, *

I wrote to 45 famous people to ask them all for a

joke. I sent them a stamped addressed envelope to

*reply and then waited. *

*When I got back from holiday, our neighbour Reg *

*brought me a big bag of replies and told me Granada *

[*Reports had been knocking on the door for me! *]

*I hope you like my book, and I hope to raise lots *

[*of money! *]

Love from Tom

My letter to the celebrities

Thomas Heyes




1st August 2014


My name is Thomas Heyes and I am ten years old. I am writing a joke book for charity in memory of my Grandads’ who both went to heaven when they were 67 years old. They both used to make me laugh and that is why I think a joke book for them is a great idea.

The money I raise wil be given to the British Heart Foundation and the Cancer Day Care Unit at Southport Hospital. I have attached a letter al about my Grandads’ and the causes, if you would like to read more!

I am writing to ask you for your best joke, but I think it’s only fair to send you one aswel !

“What do you cal a man with a rubber toe?”


I have enclosed a stamped addressed envelope so that you can send me your best joke and I hope you’ll write to me soon as I want to sel the books as a Christmas present.

I know you’re a very busy person, so thank you for taking time to read my letter.

Yours sincerely

Thomas Heyes

[*When I got back from my holidays I couldn’t believe my *]

*eyes. The porch was covered with replies and our next door *

*neighbour had lots more. *

*There were letters from so many people and there was *

[*this special one asking me to go on the television!! *]

*My day on the *

[*TV! *]

Jokes from ITV

*A pork pie walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The *

[*landlord says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food in here!” *]

Lucy Meacock

*What do you call a man in a brown paper *

suit? Russell

Tony Morris

*Why do meteorologists choose not to dine out on the *

[*moon? Amazing place, just no atmosphere! *]

Kerrie Gosney

*My mate swallowed a fiver the other day. I took him *

[*to hospital but still no change! *]

Anthony Livesey

*How many drummers does it take to change a light *

[*bulb? One, two, one two three four! *]

Rob Kirk

*I got stung by a bee the other *

[*day. £50 for a jar of honey! *]

Will McGregor

[*What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? *]

[*A carrot! *]

Steve Freeman

[*I’ve just started work as a human chess piece. *]

[*The money’s good and I’m on knights this week! *]

Matt Eyre

*Shakespeare walks into a pub. *

[*The landlord says “You’re bard!” *]

Peter Kay

[*What do you call a sheep on a trampoline? *]

[*A wooly jumper! *]

Lindsay Warhurst

*A cat called One Two Three had a swimming race with a *

[*cat called Un Deux Trois. Which one won? *]

[*One Two Three. Because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq! *]

Karen Moody

[*What’s ET short for? *]

[*Because he has little legs! *]

[* Scott Cartwright @scottydogg100 *]

[*A giant hole has appeared in the middle of the M6 – police *]

[*are currently looking into it! *]

Julie Ann Mulvey

Jokes from school

Age 8

Age 8

[*Where do cats buy their clothes? *]

[*From a cat-alogue! *]

Annabel Aisbitt Age 11

[*What is a cats favourite colour? *]

[*Purr-ple! *]

Emily Felton

Age 10

Knock Knock


there? Luke

[*Luke who? *]

[*Luke through the letterbox and you’ll *]

see! Faith Age 8

*What do you call James Bond in a the *

bath? Bubble 07

Rachel McKinney Age 10

[*What do you get if you cross a cow with a Smurf? *]

[*Blue cheese! *]


*What do you call a sheep with no *

legs? A cloud


Age 8

[*Why do you not have tablets in the jungle? *]

[*Because the parrots-eat-em-all! *]

Hannah Warburton

Age 10

*When I was driving along the road a police man stopped me *

and said

[*“Blow into this bag *]

please” “Why?” I replied

[*“Because my chips are hot!” *]

Rebecca Mitchell Age 8

[*Why don’t cars play football? *]

[*Because they only have one boot! *]

Abigail P

Age 8

*There was a magic slide and whatever you said on the way *

*down was what you landed in. *

[*The Englishman went down the slide and shouted “Gold!” and *]

*he landed in gold. *

[*The Welshman went down and shouted “Silver!” and he *]

*landed in silver. *

*The Irishman went down the slide and *

[*shouted “WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” *]

Honour Craig

Age 10

[*What do you call a peanut in a space suit? *]

An astro-nut


[*What do you call a donkey with three legs? *]

A wonkey

Emily Jennings

Age 11

Knock Knock

[*Who’s there? *]


[*Lettuce who? *]

[*Lettuce in and you’ll find out! *]

Meg Clark

Age 8

[*Why did the lobster blush? *]

*Because he saw the salad dressing and the sea *

weed! Rebecca Mitchell Age 8

[*Where do fish keep their money? *]

In a river bank

Holly Harrison

Age 10

[*Where do dogs find their lost things? *]

[*At the lost and hound! *]

Annabel Aisbitt

Age 11

[*How do penguins get to school? *]

On their ice-cycles

Charlie Aisbitt

Age 8

[*Why are babies good at football? *]

[*Because they can dribble! *]


Age 8

A boy asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet and was told he *could go once he had said the alphabet. *

Age 8


[*“Where’s the P?” asked the teacher. *]

[*“Half way down my leg!” *]

Caitlin Routledge

Age 10

[*What do you get at a mini beach? *]

[*A micro-wave! *]

Emma Gallagher

Age 10

[*Where do bees go to the toilet? *]

[*At the BP station! *]

Ellie Doyle

Age 9

[*What does a frog eat and drink? *]

French flies and Croaka Cola

Cameron West

Age 11

[*Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails? *]

[*To a re-tail shop! *]


[*Why do the French eat snails? *]

Because they don’t like fast food

Isobel Chapple


Perhaps Everton didn’t like my

Roberto joke!

Jokes from my teachers

[*What did the mushroom say to the fungus? *]

[*You’re a fun guy!! *]

Mr Kennedy

*What cheese do you use to tempt a bear out of the *

[*woods? Camembert! *]

[*What do elves learn at school? *]

The elf-abet

Mr Kennedy

*What did the cheese say when he looked in the *

mirror? Haloumi! (Hello me!)

Mrs Chapple

[*Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? *]

[*He wanted to go to High School! *]

Mr Kennedy

[*How do Eskimos make their beds? *]

*With sheets and blankets of snow. *

Mrs Joyce

[*This page is very cheesy! *]

Jokes from the School Governors

[*What goes 100mph at the bottom of a canal? *]

[*A motor-pike and side-carp! *]

Mr Abbott

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, “Do you think

[*Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the ark?” *]

“No!” replied Luke. “How could he? He only had two worms

[*and he couldn’t use either of them!” *]

Mr Jackson

A joke from our next door neighbour

*Two men found a hole in a field and thought it looked pretty *

deep, so they decided to throw a stone in. They threw it in and [*didn’t hear it hit the bottom, so they decided to throw *]

something bigger in. They found a brick and dropped it in. They [*still didn’t hear it hit the bottom. *]

*They decided to find something bigger and found a railway *

[*sleeper and threw it down the hole. They stil didn’t hear *]

anything, but al of a sudden a goat jumped over the fence and [*went straight down the hole! *]

Five minutes later a farmer came by and asked the men if they’d seen his goat. The men replied that they had, but it was very strange as it had jumped over the fence and gone straight down *the hole. *

“It can’t be mine.” said the farmer “I’d tied my goat to a railway [*sleeper!!” *]

Reg McFaul

Grandma’s (and her friends) Jokes

[*Why are false teeth like stars? *]

*They both come out at night. *

*Why did the man put a clock under his *

[*desk? He wanted to work overtime! *]

Hickory Dickory Dock

*The mouse ran up the *

clock The clock struck one

[*But the other two escaped with minor injuries! *]

*Which side of a chicken has the most *

[*feathers? The outside! *]

[*Why do pirates walk the plank? *]

[*Because they haven’t got a dog. *]

Wendy Cunningham

*Why did the bald headed man have rabbits tattooed on *

[*his head? *]

*From a distance they look like *

hares! Ivy Alty


*This a picture of me with my Gangang. I called him Gangang *

[*because when I was little I couoldn’t say Grandad! He was a *]

*fantastic Grandad and I used t see him nearly every day. I *

*remember him seeing me in the playground at school and he *

[*used to feed me sweets through the railings like a monkey! *]

*We used to go to Formby beach and he would take a *

*barbecue. We would light a fire and cook sausage butties. *

*He used to take me for a 99 ice cream, my favourite. *

*When I was 6, I got a karaoke game for christmas and we *

*had a great time on christmas day playing with it. The next *

*day my Grandad had a heart attack and went to heaven. It *

*made me feel terrible, but the last video we have of him is *

[*great as he was singing ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire’. *]

*My Gangang was full of fun and made me happy. *

Grandad Peter

This me with my Grandad Peter when I was a baby. He was

*an awesome Grandad. I used to see him a couple times of *

*week and he would come and do the garden for my Mum *

*and Dad. I would help him in the garden and he showed *

*me how to look after the plants. *

*Grandad Peter used to take me on bike rides and he had a *

*big yellow minibus. He used to take me to dancing class in *

*it and it was fabulous. *

*He used to make me laugh and we used to go out together *

*to walk Angus the dog. *

*When I was 8 we found out that Grandad Peter had *

[*leukaemia. He hadn’t told us for a long time as he didn’t *]

*want to upset us. After he had taken me to Cubs football, *

he was taken into hospital. The doctors couldn’t fix him and

*he went to heaven aswell. *

Gangang’s favourite joke

[*He always told this joke in an Irish accent! *]

*A priest was in the pulpit and he was very upset at what had *

been going on in the village. From the pulpit he said

“If this carries on, all the people of this village are going to [*hell!” A man in the front row started to smile. *]

[*“Did you not hear me?” asked the vicar. *]

[*“I said all the people of this village are going to *]

[*hell!” The man began to giggle. *]

The vicar repeated

[*“If this continues, all the people of this village are going to hell!” *]

*The man began to laugh out loud with tears running down his *

face. The vicar was very annoyed and asked

[*“Why are you laughing?” The *]

man still laughing replied

[*“I don’t live in this village, I live five miles down the road!!!” *]

Grandad Peter’s favourite jokes

Whenever Grandad Peter saw a sign like this he would say “Delays [*until 27th October, I hope we’re not stuck here that long!” *]

[*I went fly fishing the other day, I caught three bluebottles! *]

*The staff at Kensington Palace were fabulous and *

*sent me two pages of jokes. They were good ones *

[*too! *]

Jokes from the Palace (Kensington)

[*What do you call a fake noodle? *]

[*An im-pasta! *]

[*What do you call an alligator in a vest? *]

*An investigator. *

[*What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? *]

[*Every morning you’ll rise and shine. *]

[*What’s the difference between a guitar and a *]

[*fish? You can’t tuna fish! *]

[*Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and a tomato? *]

[*The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup!” *]

[*What do you call a French man in sandals? *]

[*Felipe Filope! *]

[*What do lawyers wear to court? *]

[*A lawsuit! *]

*What do you get if you cross a snowman with a *

vampire? Frostbite

[*What did the pencil say to the other pencil? *]

[*You’re looking sharp! *]

[*What’s the hardest working part of the *]

[*eye? The pupil. *]

[*How do you make a tissue dance? *]

[*Put a little boogey into it! *]

[*Why did the picture go to jail? *]

*Because it was framed. *

*What do you get when you cross a fish and an *

[*elephant? Swimming trunks! *]

*What stays in the corner all over the *

world? A stamp

[*Why did the computer go to the doctors? *]

*Because it had a virus. *

[*What do you call a sleeping bull? *]

[*A bull-dozer! *]

[*Why do fish live in salt water? *]

[*Because pepper makes them sneeze! *]

[*Sawyer’s Section! *]

My friends Luke, Jacob and their Dad Andy

*What do you call a man with a rubber *

[*toe? Roberto! *]

[*What’s the difference between a well dressed man and *]

[*a tired dog? *]

[*One wears a suit, the other just pants! *]

*What do you get if you cross a fur coat and a *

[*kangaroo? A fur coat with big pockets. *]

[*How does Batman’s Mum call him to dinner? *]

[*Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman! *]

*Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and *

[*the tomato? *]

*The lettuce was ahead and the tomato was trying to ketchup. *

[*How do you make an octopus laugh? *]

[*With ten-tickles! *]

[*What do you call a cheese that is not yours? *]

[*Nacho cheese! *]

[*What’s grey and has a trunk? *]

*A mouse going on his holiday. *

[*What’s brown and has a trunk? *]

*A mouse coming back off his holiday. *

[*Why did the belt go to jail? *]

[*Because it held up a pair of pants! *]

[*What do cats eat for breakfast? *]

[*Mice Crispies! *]

[*What’s black and white and makes a lot of *]

[*noise? A zebra with a drum kit! *]

*Why did the man with one hand cross the *

[*road? To get to the second hand shop! *]

[*What do you call a Japanese car thief? *]

[*Tommy Took-a-moto! *]

[*How do you get a cat to go miaow? *]

[*Tie it to the back of a car……..miiiiaaaaaooooooowww!! *]

Mum and Dad’s Jokes

[*What’s yellow and smells of bananas? *]

[*Monkey sick! *]

*A new zookeeper started at the zoo. He was given a shovel *

*and a sack and was told to clear out the enclosures. When *

he got to the aviary he noticed a dead greenfinch. He picked

*it up and put it in his sack. *

*Next he went into the ape house and found two dead *

*chimpanzees. He was starting to get worried, but *

*picked them up and put them in his sack. *

*Suddenly, he noticed an elephant had stepped on one of *

*the beehives. There were squashed bees everywhere. He *

*shovelled them up into his sack, but now he was scared of *

*losing his job because of all of the dead animals. *

*He decided to hide them and threw them all into the *

*lions cage for them to eat. *

*The next day a new lion was introduced into the enclosure. *

He approached the pride and said, “Alright lads! Looks [*good in here, but what’s the food like?” *]

[*Alex replied “Usually it’s awful. But you should have been *]

[*here yesterday, we got finch, chimps and mushy bees!!!” *]

(Nana’s favourite joke, she laughs every time!)

[*My favourite joke! *]

[*What’s the difference between girls and a bucket of *]

[*slugs? The bucket! *]

From my Facebook page

Tom’s Great Joke Book

*What happened to the silly man brushing up *

[*leaves? He fell out of the tree! *]

Jonathan Sawyer

*Five prisoners have escaped from prison in a cement *

*mixer. The police are looking for five hardened *

criminals! Tony Bullock

[*What do you call a fly with no wings? *]

[*A walk! *]

Sara Kelly

[*What’s green and swings through the *]

[*jungle? Gorilla snot! *]

Dave Edes

[*What do you call a budgie that’s been run over by *]

[*a lawnmower? *]

[*Shredded Tweet! *]

Lyndsay Hallam

[*What do you call a man with no ears? *]

[*Anything you like, he can’t hear you! *]

Paul Finch (Grandma’s cousin)

*They recently carried out a survey and concluded *

[*diarrhoea is hereditary……….it runs in your jeans! *]

Alice Price

[*Why did the blind chicken cross the road? *]

[*To get to the Birds Eye shop! *]


*A bald cat got on the bus and the driver *

[*said “Hey you, where’s your fur?” *]

Andy Carter

[*Kieran: “Hey, today I fell off a 50 foot *]

[*ladder” Me: “Oh my goodness, are you *]

[*okay?” Kieran: “Yeah, I was only on the first *]

rung!” Emily Lloyd

[*I walked into a bar the other day. It didn’t half hurt, it *]

[*was an iron bar! *]

Nathan Smith

[*Where does the money go? *]

[*My Mum and Dad have said that they will get work (our *]

family business) to pay for the first three hundred books, so *every penny from those books will go to charity. I will then *

*decide whether to buy more books. *

If I do, all profit from the sale of the extra books (after paying [*for the printing of the books) will also go to charity. *]

*Half of all profit will go to the British Heart Foundation *

*in memory of my Gangang. *

*The other half will go to the Medical Day Care Unit at *

*Southport Hospital in memory of my Grandad Peter. *

Please watch my Facebook page ‘Tom’s Great Joke Book’ to

see how much we have raised and when the money is given to

*the charities. *

[*And finally…………………. *]

*Thanks to my Auntie Tor for designing the front and back *

[*cover. She’s almost as talented as me!! *]

[*Her favourite joke? *]

[*How do you make a dead dog shake? *]



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Tom's Great Joke Book

  • ISBN: 9781311334367
  • Author: Thomas Heyes
  • Published: 2015-11-05 22:45:10
  • Words: 3198
Tom's Great Joke Book Tom's Great Joke Book