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The Shitters Handbook.

THE SHITTERS HANDBOOK

Mike Knowles BSc (Lavatorium)

A Series of Guidelines Issued by the National Institute of Toilet Training

About the Author

Mike Knowles gained a Bachelor of Science degree in Lavatories at Cambridge University and is currently Senior Tutor at the National Instititute of Toilet Training at Fecalton in Cheshire. He has also written a number of books including the best seller, “Poop Music,” which teaches how music can always enhance a good shit. He is currently working on his autobiography to be entitled “My Crap Career.”

In this handbook the author uses common colloquial expressions to describe a Number Two.

Part 1: The Role of the National Institute of Toilet Training

The term “anti-social shitting” (ASS) refers to individuals who, after getting well and truly bladdered on a night out, squat and shit wherever and whenever the mood takes them. When these ASS’s are arrested the court sends them to the National Institute of Toilet Training (NITT) for rectal rehabilitation classes. This Handbook is meant to serve as a guide to those who want to shit responsibly.

History

The National Institute of Toilet Training (NITT) was set up in 1945 by Ellen Wilkinson the Labour Minister for Education. Up until then toilet training had been an arcane mystery to the working classes in Great Britain and this had resulted in what is now regarded as anti-social shitting. So much so that pavements all over the country were sometimes covered in shit. But the winds of change had come. And not before time because the smell was atrocious. And when the Labour Party took power they looked to Ellen Wilkinson, a firebrand socialist, to tackle the problem. It was a good choice. Ellen promised the nation that one of her first tasks would be to ensure that everyone should have access to a lavatory which, up until then, was only used by the middle and upper classes.

Her crusade to get the working classes to squat on porcelain instead to squatting wherever they wanted (it was the reason the working classes were never invited to Buckingham Palace) was not without controversy. The Union of Boot & Shoe Sole Scrapers protested that if no one trod in shit this would put them out of business. But Ellen pressed on. Ironically with the support of firms like Armitage who produced lavatories.

Nowadays thanks to Ellen Wilkinson there’s hardly any human shit on our pavements. Most of it belongs to dogs.

Part 2: Having a Responsible Shit

What is meant by “having a responsible shit?”

This man is about to enjoy a good meal. Afterwards the food he’s eaten will emerge from his ringpiece as shit. But before we discuss responsible shitting let’s just consider how the body produces this shit.

The Bowels

Once the food has been processed it travels down your guts and ends up in the bowels as waste product. The human bowels operate just like a diesel engine. Except that it can’t be used as a system of transportation. The illustration below shows just how similar in shape and function the bowels are to the diesel engine.

In the diesel engine (the first two illustrations) fuel is forced into the cylinder and ignited. In the bowels (seen on the left) farts travel down the intestinal tract and enter the bowels via an opening at the top. However this doesn’t ignite the waste products otherwise you’d catch fire.* Instead it churns the waste products into a substance similar to a smoothie. This is called shit. Once all the waste products have turned to shit a sensor sends a message to the bowels which squeeze the shit through your ringpiece.

*In rare cases called “spontaneous human combustion” the waste products are ignited and most of the victim is reduced to ashes.

Here a rogue fart has ignited the waste products in this woman’s bowels resulting in a partial cremation. Nice legs.

Part 3: The Act of Shitting

Shitting is the body’s natural way of disposing of its unwanted solid waste products. When the shitting is done responsibly the shit is deposited in a receptacle called a “lavatory.” Exceptions to this include…

#
p<>{color:#000;}. Situations where you’re “caught short” and the lavatory is too far away.

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p<>{color:#000;}. You’re in prison and you’ve decided to mount a “dirty protest.”

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p<>{color:#000;}. Loss of control over the ringpiece which acts like an automated hatch that opens when the bowel signals that it’s full. In some people the ringpiece opens at whim. Much like a naughty dog shitting on the carpet for attention. Indeed, some psychoanalysts believe that “shitting yourself” is not the result of a loss of control but an attention seeking ploy by the bowels. “I’m tired of being filled with shit and I’m going to get rid of it as soon as I can.” If you suffer from this condition we strongly urge you to contact a metal health counseller.

Below one of the staff at the National Institute of Toilet Training shows what happens when your ringpiece opens and shit is expelled.

Fig1: Here we see the turd emerging from the ringpiece. This is sometimes referred to as “the turtle’s head coming out for air.”

Fig 2: The bowels squeeze the shit out the same way that a diesel engine pushes the exhaust fumes out through the exhaust pipe. Another similarity between the diesel engine and the bowels is that both expell their waste products from a pipe situated at the rear! Further proof, if proof be needed, that Rudolph Diesel’s bowels inspired him to invent the diesel engine!

Fig 3: Note how the turd’s pointed “tail” shows it has been crimped by the ringpiece before it’s released to make its journey into the lavatory.

Fig 4: The two illustrations above show how each turd is crimped. On the left we see the interior of the bowel and on the right the ringpiece as seen from the outside. Note the serrated edges that crimp and cut the turd.

Part 4: The Correct Shitting Posture (CSP)

Incorrect! Unless the turd is hard and dry it will hit the side of the lavatory and stick to it.

Incorrect! The turd will end up on the toilet floor.

Incorrect! It’s impossible to maintain this posture without the aid of a harness attached to the ceiling.

Incorrect! You will end up drowning yourself.

The correct posture for having a shit!

Part 5: Dealing with a Blocked Ringpiece

There may be times when you feel like a shit but no matter how hard you try nothing comes out. Or you may have had a shit and you feel that there’s something still in your ringpiece but it won’t come out. This is known as a “blocked ringpiece.”

The only way to deal with a blocked ringpiece is to insert your index finger into it and have a good poke about. Please remember to use a lubricant such as WD40. Poking about will usually clear the blockage. You may also get a hardon. This will usually go down after a wank.

Blocked Ringpiece due to a Shitball

Another cause of a blocked ringpiece is constipation. This happens when the sensor in the bowels fails to notify the bowels that the shit is ready to be squeezed out. Over time the shit becomes dehydrated as the heat inside the bowels dry up the water inside it. This results in the shit becoming hard like a cannonball.

A lump of dried shit. This is known as a “shitball.”

The only way to shift the shitball is to take a laxative.

The laxative takes the place of the bowels natural sensor and orders the bowels to squeeze the shitball out. Note that when a shitball is finally ejected from the ringpiece it can cause considerable “splash back” when it hits the water at the bottom of the lavatory. This can result in a wet arse.

The best way to avoid a wet arse after taking a laxative.

6: Wiping your Ringpiece

Your ringpiece should be wiped after you’ve had a shit. And because toilet paper is soft and easily torn it should be protected from rough handling by holding it inside your hand. This is best achieved by folding the toilet paper onto the palm of your hand and then clenching your hand to form a fist.

Once this has been done insert your fist into your ringpiece and twist it around a few times. This will give your ringpiece a good clean.

Please remember to wash your hands afterwards!

Part 7: Dealing with “Brown Shrapnel”

Finally some advice on dealing with Brown Shrapnel. This is the name given to the speckles of shit that sometimes stick to the porcelain after you’ve emptied your bowels. These fragments are broken off when the shit is very soft.

Brown Shrapnel.

Often the Brown Shrapnel can be removed by repeatedly flushing the lavatory. Another method is to piss on it.

Removing Brown Shrapnel by pissing on it.

However some Brown Shrapnel has extra adhesive qualities and will need to be removed using a toilet brush.

Remember – we’re not beasts in the field or fowl in the air. As the most intelligent species on earth it’s our duty to deposit our shit in the proper receptacles. So here’s to responsible shitting!

THE END


The Shitters Handbook.

  • ISBN: 9781311580245
  • Author: Mike Knowles
  • Published: 2016-05-07 16:20:13
  • Words: 1546
The Shitters Handbook. The Shitters Handbook.