THE PENNSYLVANIA PICKLE
BY: RICHARD A. DAVIDSON
Do not attempt. All scenes and characters are fictional.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – A hero is born
Chapter 2 – Time to suit up
Chapter 3 – I hope the elevator works
Chapter 4 – Time to regroup
Chapter 5 – We finally meet
Chapter 6 – Another day at work
Chapter 7 – Something smells
Chapter 8 – Time to look for clues
Chapter 9 – Going undercover
Chapter 10 – Collecting my thoughts
As I sat there on my couch watching the news, I grew angry and frustrated at all the crime and bad things happening. I wish I could do something, I thought to myself. I turned the TV off and went to bed not knowing my life would soon change forever.
I woke up early the next morning with a sharp pain in my ass. It turns out I was lying on the remote control. I removed the remote control from under me and got out of bed. It was a Saturday morning and I didn’t have to work, so I went to the local store for a snack. I walked up and down the aisles. What am I in the mood for? I thought. Then I saw it, the last jar of pickles. I grabbed the pickles and scurried to the checkout line.
The cashier said, “Paper or plastic?” I said, “Paper.” He said, “Cash, credit, or debit?” I said, “Cash.” He asked, “Do you have a rewards card?” I said, “No.” He asked, “Would you like to sign up for one?” I said, “No.” He said, “It will save you five percent.” I said, “No.” He said, “Can I see some ID?” I grew agitated but said, “OK” and I showed it to him. He said, “Please sign on the screen.” I signed. He gave me my bag and showed me on the receipt that there was a survey to take to possibly win a prize. By that time I was so angry I couldn’t wait to take my frustration out and bite into a hard, crisp, pickle. The frustration went away and my mouth began to water. I violently opened the jar of pickles as fast as I could, like I hadn’t eaten for weeks. I carefully took out a pickle and put the lid back on. As I was putting the jar back into the paper bag it happened. “Ouch I squealed!” The brown bag had given me a small, not visible to the naked eye, papercut! Then I noticed something else, some pickle juice had gotten into my cut! I dropped to one knee. “Ouch that hurts! What’s happening to me?” I thought. I felt a weird sensation come over me, and within a few seconds it was gone.
I pulled myself together and started to walk home, when I heard a scream, “Someone help!” It was a woman who was being robbed. Then it hit me. The pickle juice has transformed me. I threw a pickle at the robber and it hit him in the eye. He cried and squealed and cried some more before finally running away. The woman said, “Who are you.” I looked down at the ground and saw the pickle and replied. “I’m The Pennsylvania Pickle and I’m the hero this world needs!”
I now knew my true calling. However, I needed a way to disguise myself and some gadgets to help. It was time to get to work. I grabbed a green bath towel from my bathroom, a green fanny pack from my closet, and drew a pickle with a lightning bolt through it on an old white tank top. Next, I grabbed my blue short shorts, green gardening gloves, and a pair of boots. The clothing fit snugly around me, I am after all a large man with a big waist and a big sagging belly. With this disguise, no one will ever know it’s me. “Now what should I use for a weapon?” I contemplated. I found the biggest pickle I could that would be my main weapon. I took a lid off one of my pickle jars which will be my shield. “I will be greatly feared by all!” I said, as I puffed out my chest. “Armed with a pickle lid, a strong moral compass, and a hard, crisp pickle, I’m ready to take the fight to the bad guys. I’m The Pennsylvania Pickle!” I said, in a deeply exaggerated tone. I continued designing and getting together some other weapons and clothing. I bought a green speedo for when I need to go undercover, it’s not the most flattering for my big belly but it is necessary. I also made a pickle boomerang, pickle nunchucks, and filled a squirt gun with pickle juice. “This is a good start, now I needed a ride.” I muttered under my stinky breath. I bought got an old car from the junk yard that looked long like a pickle and had old rust bumps on it. I painted it green and got it running. I now had a picklemobile. I was ready to clean up the trash, because now it was time for me to go to work. I am a certified waste management engineer, a garbage man if you will, during the day. After work, I will suit up and begin my quest to be the greatest hero ever. Villains everywhere will fear my hard, crisp pickle!
I blasted some heavy metal music and began to suit up! Lightning flashed and thunder boomed from the skies as I fastened my fanny pack around my waist! I got dressed in my stinky, dirty bathroom. I usually like to evacuate myself before fighting crime, so I always change into my suit in a bathroom. I ran to my secret layer, my garage. I violently pulled the level to open the door, passing gas as I did so. The cow goes moo. I heard as the door opened. Inside was the long and bumpy green picklemobile. I never got around to buffing out the rust bumps so I left them on. It made it look more like a pickle anyway. I drove into the city to find a tall building. I went to the top of the building and started looking for crime with my binoculars. I looked around intently for a few minutes as my bath towel cape fluttered in the wind. Then I saw something interesting. It was a dog urinating on a bush. Hmm Interesting, I thought to myself. After that I saw three clowns spray painting balloons on the side of an old brick building in a dark alley. It was time to spring into action. My heart raced as never ending adrenaline flowed through my veins! I started running to get there as quick as I could. Then really mellow, slow music started playing as I slowly rode the elevator back down. After a slow ride down I rushed out the front door and ran over to the clowns. “Stop right now or face the power of my pickle!” I yelled. They said, “We only take orders from The Balloon Bandit! He runs this town!” “Not anymore!” I grumbled as I tightly gripped my pickle and held my tiny pickle lid near my chest. The clowns surrounded me. They all had wooden baseball bats. “Looks like I’m in a real pickle” I said. One of the clowns threw a banana peel at me and it got stuck to my face. I couldn’t see. I began to use my pickle as a windshield wiper and moved it back and forth across my face until I got the banana peel off my face. When I could finally see again the clowns where gone. I decided to go home and regroup. I had been defeated by a banana.
I sat on my couch watching the news recap of the day. Who was this Balloon Bandit the clowns mentioned and where did that clown get that banana peel? How can I be ready next time? Then the police chief, Captain Common Sense came on the TV. “The recent crimes are been recent and crime is bad, also we believe the person committing the crimes is bad.” he said. “This person is known as The Balloon Bandit and he has some sort of thing with helium” he continued, “He is too powerful for us and we have been unable to stop him, we need a hero!” he said as he pounded his fist off the podium. I scratched my ass, as I sat there on my couch in my underwear. Then I tried to turn the TV off however the TV remote didn’t have any batteries. I was in for another big battle, somehow I had to find a way to walk over to my TV to turn it off by pushing the button on the TV. Oh no I thought. I grimaced as I got up and made my way to the TV. I violently pushed the power button. The TV was off, I did it. After that I now felt like I could do anything. I took a multivitamin and walked on the treadmill for five minutes. I was now in the best shape of my life. Before bed there was one more thing I wanted to do. “It’s time to polish my pickle.” I said. I grabbed my car buffer and put it on high. I went all around my pickle until it had a nice shine. It was ready for combat tomorrow. I put on my pajamas and laid down for bed. Tomorrow was another day and I would be ready to find this so called Balloon Bandit and stop him.
I was on my way home from work and ready to go. I went home and grabbed something quick to eat then went into the bathroom. I evacuated myself and got into my suit. I was driving around when I heard a scream. A woman was running out of the local Golden Showers Party Supply store. I rushed in the door and I saw the same three clowns. I also saw an older man that was bald on the top with salt and pepper hair on the sides. He had a helium tank on his back, a mask to breathe the helium on his face, and an all red onesie. The clowns surrounded me. “Looks like I’m in a real pickle” I said. The Balloon Bandit said, “Back off I’ll handle this.” He confronted me face to face. He said “Am I supposed to be scared of a guy with a bath towel cape and a fanny pack?” I yelled out “Taste my hard crisp pickle!” As I slapped him across the face with my pickle. He screamed in pain “Ouch!” He was stunned for a moment then he started rubbing his feet back and forth on the carpet. “You’re going to get a real charge out of this” he said. He was summoning one of his weapons, static electricity. As he touched me I felt the current run through my body. “Ouch!” I said. I dropped to one knee. He said “It’s been fun but time for me to go.” He threw a smoke bomb on the ground. I couldn’t see. Just as the smoke cleared I ran out the front door. I saw him holding three balloons and floating away into the distance. The balloons were red, blue, and green. Once again, I failed to stop him. No one ever said it would be easy. Nothing worth fighting for ever is.
It was time to go to work and collect some more garbage. The person who drives the garbage truck and worked alongside me is Donny Do-gooder. It was early and dark as I entered the building to check in for work. Donny was at the table having a coffee. I said, “Good Morning Donny.” He said, “Good morning Porter.” My name is Porter John, I was named after the place where I was conceived. No one including Donny knew my secret identity as The Pennsylvania Pickle. I had to keep it a secret. I climbed on the back of the truck as we drove away and began collecting garbage. Donny would blast some good tunes and keep the windows down so I could hear the music, it let the foul smell of the garbage into the cab where he sat but he didn’t mind. Donny made a sharp turn and I fell off the truck. It hurt pretty badly and a rock got lodged up my ass. I asked Donny for help removing the rock and he giggled, “No way Porter!” he said. I removed the rock and got back on the truck. We finished collecting garbage for the day. “See you tomorrow Donny” I said. “Goodnight” he softly replied as he batted he eyelashes at me.
It was another night and I was watching the news, as I usually did to see if there was any new crime. Alex Anchorman, the newscaster for my local news station was talking about the proper position to be in when you are sitting on a toilet. He said, “You need to prop your feet up to get into more of a squatting position, you also need to face the other way to use the back of the toilet as a table.” Then it happened, he stopped talking about it. “Breaking news!” he said. “Local authorities are reporting a large man, with large hairy nipples dressed in only a diaper and a bonnet has broken into an adult diaper store and is stealing all the diapers.” I knew what I had to do, the cow goes moo, I jumped in the picklemobile. I decided to stop at a Porta John on the way to change. Someone was in there, I tipped it over and ran to the next one. I figured it must have been one of the big baby’s goons in there trying to stop me. I found another Porta John. I evacuated myself and changed into my gear. I got back into the picklemobile and blasted more heavy metal music! I arrived at the diaper factory and there he was. Taller and bigger than me, and he held a giant rattler. He had a big burly laugh. “Who are you?” he said. I said, “I’m The Pennsylvania Pickle! “Who are you and why are you doing this?” I asked. “I’m The Big Stink!” he said. “I need these diapers, I go through a lot of them.” “Time for your nap Big Stink!” I said confidently. He threw a dirty diaper at me, I blocked it with my shield. “Nice try!” I said. Then smashed me in the face with his giant rattler. “Spit flew out of my mouth and I flew about 2,000 feet backwards. “Ouch!” I said. I jumped up and ran towards him. “Taste my hard crisp pickle!” I yelled as I swung. My pickle flopped back and forth as it smacked off his face, causing his face to turn sideways. He shook it off and burped in my face. The force of the burp knocked me down. He then moved in and repeatedly smashed me over and over with the rattler. I was defeated. The Big Stink took the diapers and got away.
I had two bad guys now, that I needed to stop. The Balloon Bandit and The Big Stink. I needed to look for patterns and clues. What stores would they go after next? I evacuated myself before leaving the house and got into my superhero disguise. “Time to hit the streets!” I said. I drove into the city and began walking around looking for clues. I saw the same dog as before, urinating on a bush. I took note of it. “Suspicious” I said. Then I saw a piece of paper on the ground with a picture of balloons that has a list of the next locations someone was planning to go to. I picked it up and threw it away, I hate litter. It had been hours and still no clues, other than that dog I saw urinating on a bush. Then I saw a clown juggling on the street. I decided to beat the piss out of him. After all, he could have been one of the Balloon Bandit’s clowns. It turns out he wasn’t. Then after I walked around some more I did see a group of clowns standing outside of an old warehouse in a dark alley. This might be it. I had to check it out, I thought to myself.
I decided to go undercover to infiltrate the hideout. I put some clown makeup on and a red clown nose. I walked up to the door. I said, “Hey guys how’s it going, what’s our next target again?”
The clowns looked at each other and didn’t seem fooled by my disguise. “He’s not one of us, let’s get him!” they yelled. The three clowns surrounded me, they all had bananas. “Looks like I’m in a real pickle” I said. I quickly unzipped my fanny pack and whipped out my pickle! Then I pulled my shield out too. “Prepare to feel the wrath of my pickle” I shouted. One clown threw a cream pie at me, I blocked it with my shield. I threw my shield at him like a Frisbee, it smashed him in the face temporarily stunning him. I jumped as high as I could, one centimeter into the air, and swung my pickle at another clown. There was a loud wet slap as my pickle smacked against his face. It left a spot on his face where it impacted him and cleaned away some of his clown makeup. The clown flew back and fell into a dumpster. Just one clown left. I stood there facing him as my green cape fluttered in the wind. “The jokes on you.” I said. I tightly gripped my pickle and began moving it up and down rapidly as I walked towards him. I noticed he didn’t say anything and his mouth was full. I said, “What are you eating?” The clown said, “A banana.” Then I realized I was in trouble I looked down to see a banana peel under my feet, but it was too late I slipped on it. “Noooooo!” I yelled, as I fell to the ground. Then the clown squirted me with water from his flower. This made the ground slippery and I couldn’t get up. I laid there on my back wiggling, I couldn’t get up. The other clowns ran back over and they tied me to a chair. They put me in a dark room within their hideout. Looks like I’m in a real pickle, I thought. I was alone in the room and I looked around for a way to escape. There was a table nearby with my pickle, my shield, and a knife. I thought to myself, if I could some scoot the chair over to that table maybe I could use something to cut the rope. I was able to scoot over there. What can I use to cut the rope, I thought? I looked at the pickle then the knife. Then I looked at the pickle and the knife again. Hmmm I thought, I grabbed the pickle and I rapidly moved it back and forth across the rope and I was able to cut my way out. Then I grabbed my shield and retreated home by escaping out a window.
Static electricity, dirty diapers, I had a rough go of my first attempts at fighting crime. I was battered, bruised, and mentally tired. It felt like I was in a real pickle. I needed to work on building some new weapons to help fight crime. I needed to collect my thoughts. I sat on my couch and watched as Alex Anchorman reported that The Balloon Bandit and The Big Stink were still at large. I stared out at the moon, as I ate a bag of cheese curls. My white tank top turned orange, as I crunched and crunched. The odor of my smelly feet filled the air, as I scratched my ass. I could feel the springs from my couch poking through the couch, jabbing me in the ass. It wasn’t a good feeling. I tuned the TV off and took a deep breath. What kind of a pickle will I get myself into next? I thought. I am determined to be the hero this world needs. I will be back and soon everyone will know my name. “I am The Pennsylvania Pickle!”
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© 2015 Richard A. Davidson. All rights reserved.
The Pennsylvania Pickle is a Superhero who fights crime with a Pickle and always gets in a Pickle. In this comedy story, watch how he teams up with Captain Common Sense to try and stop the bad guys. You will learn how we became The Pennsylvania Pickle. Enjoy the laughs and stupidity along the way as he battles The Balloon Bandit and The Big Stink. The Pennsylvania Pickle is a funny short must read book.