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The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road

SCHOOL IDIOTS

 

Fearless David’s life had so far been fairly uneventful, but this was all about to dramatically change now he was living in Bottomhamsted.

 

David woke up suddenly on the morning of his first day at his new school. His head was full of questions and he was so nervous that he felt sick. Were there any mean people in his new class? How many times a day would he be shouted at by a furious teacher? Would a huge school bully push him into the path of an on-coming combine harvester?

He slowly packed his bag, and then walked nervously out of the door and off towards his new school. As he approached the school playground, he could hear shrieking sounds, but could not be sure if it was just the sound of good humoured boisterousness or screams of pain. Before David entered the playground, he decided it might be wise to hide behind a lamp post for a while and watch what was going on.

From the safety of the lamp post, he first noticed that the middle of the playground was full of what appeared to be a group of ruffians, all shouting and violently barging into each other. David thought that one of these ruffians might have said a rude word, but he couldn’t be certain. One of the boys then looked over towards the lamp-post where David was hiding, so he made himself as thin as possible. Luckily the ruffian didn’t notice him.

On the other side of the playground he could see an ice-cream van being rocked violently from side to side by another group of hooligans. It looked like the ice-cream man was desperately trying to serve ice-creams, while a scrum of maniacs were fighting and shoving in an effort to get served first.

A teacher even appeared to have been crushed under the weight of the frenzied ice-cream queue.

This continuous shoving and barging was causing the ice-cream van to become extremely unstable. David watched in amazement as the van was rocked so violently from side to side that it was now up on two wheels, then dramatically the ice-cream van was pushed over onto its side, landing with a loud crunch on the ground.

The scrum of troublemakers all cheered loudly, then scrambled inside the up-turned ice-cream van to steal lollies and gobstoppers. The maniacs then ran off, throwing the hard gobstoppers at any weak people or teachers as the ice-cream man ran after them shaking his fist angrily.

 

Gobstoppers:

Large and very hard sweets, which are impossible

to bite through. Before eating, they have to be smashed on rocks. Often used as missiles by tough boys and hard cases.

 

David liked the look of the school so far but continued to observe what was happening in the playground for a little longer.

 

Near the school gate was a small fenced off area, which was lower down than the rest of the playground. David could just about see that an unfortunate young apprentice teacher had strayed into this area, and was now surrounded by a jostling ring of wild youths. A few of them had made some fireworks in a science lesson, which they were now lighting and throwing at him. The young teacher looked terrified but thankfully did not actually appear to be on fire. It later turned out that the fireworks were pretty useless, as they had been made by a group of dunces. Then David saw one smartly dressed but very foolish boy produce what looked like a World War 2 grenade from his bag and pull the pin out! Everybody scattered in all directions as the device exploded, blowing the smart but foolish boy off his feet and creating a large hole in the playground! David never discovered what the device actually was, but it certainly went off with a big bang.

Despite some initial doubts, David decided that his new school would probably be a welcoming and positive educational environment, so he boldly emerged from behind the safety of the lamp-post and proceeded to walk confidently through the gates.

Unfortunately he was wrong about this, as some bad boys immediately scooped him up and threw him head first into a large skip full of discarded skewers. Luckily all the skewers were made of rubber as they were left over from last year’s ‘Rubber Skewer Festival’ so no permanent damage was done. Slightly dazed, he scrambled back out of the skip and made his way to his first lesson, which was with a teacher called Mrs Wigglit.

 

His new teacher was known for being very disorganised as she was always losing things, but she had an interesting method of trying to find the items she had lost earlier in the day. Mrs Wigglit would walk backwards through the school, believing she would actually be travelling back through time.

This method of finding lost items often worked, but was less unsuccessful when she once tried to turn back time in her car. She had driven away from the supermarket with her shopping on the roof of the car, and it had fallen off when she went round a corner. When she realised this, she tried to turn back time by stopping the car and suddenly driving backwards. Unfortunately, she reversed straight into a huge army tank, which happened to be following her, and her car was totally flattened.

Miraculously, Mrs Wigglit was completely unharmed although her car was as flat as a pancake.

Following David’s negative experience with the rubber skewers, he entered Mrs Wigglit’s classroom less confidently. He sat down at the back of the class and put an empty rubbish bin over his head, hoping nobody would notice him. Mrs Wigglit then arrived, sat down at the front of the class and started shuffling papers.

 

“I see we have a new comedian in the class” she said sharply.

 

David slowly removed his clever disguise and was very relieved when nobody bothered to look round.

 

“Could you introduce yourself?” said Mrs Wigglit.

 

“Good morning my name is David” he said, confident that his name was fairly normal and unlikely to attract any kind of ridicule.

 

Strangely, the complete opposite happened. Mentioning the name ‘David’ caused an eruption of hysterics and the whole class started rolling around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Even Mrs Wigglit had trouble keeping a straight face.

 

“HIS NAME IS DAVID!!!” the classmates all shouted, in fits of laughter.

 

The announcement of David’s name even caused one boy to laugh too much, and he actually fainted. An ambulance was called and the boy was rushed to hospital.

 

Fainting:

Schoolboys often pretend to faint to avoid doing their homework. If the schoolboy who has fainted, also stops breathing, it may be something more serious.

 

David later discovered that there was another boy called David in the school who was a world famous blithering idiot, and that the very mention of his name would result in howls of laughter.

Mrs Wigglit then asked David where he lived and he replied “Possum Road”. The reaction to this simple fact was equally surprising.

The class fell silent as everybody stopped laughing immediately and looked straight at David.

 

“You must be a total buffoon ‘cos that’s where Mrs Wigglit lives” they all said together at exactly the same time.

 

David wanted to escape from this strange behavior,

and was about to put the bin back on his head, when

Mrs Wigglit suddenly announced:

 

“Our next few lessons will be dedicated to the history of Bottomhamsted, and also to the fascinating residents of Possum Road”.

 

David decided this could be very interesting and that it would be a great opportunity to find out about his new village, so abandoned the idea of putting the bin back on his head.

Mrs Wigglit then started the lesson with a historical introduction to Bottomhamsted.

“Possum Road is situated in our flatulent village of Bottomhamsted, and is home to an astonishing collection of characters. Our village is commonly known as a flatulent village because Bottomhamsted’s original settlers suffered from a hereditary condition, which caused excessive and embarrassing wind.

Due to the unique atmospheric qualities only to be found in Bottomhamsted, excessive wind-breaking would cause a heavy methane fog to build up and could be extremely hazardous, should there be any kind of spark or fire”.

 

David found the introduction intriguing and raised an eyebrow, as Mrs Wigglit continued talking.

 

“Historians tell us that many of the original buildings were destroyed in 1709 by an unfortunate methane explosion. The story goes, that the methane fog was ignited by some stray sparks, which were generated during a daring sword-fight. Apparently, two flatulent gentlemen were settling a dispute over a flatulent maiden when the terrible accident happened.

This condition is now very rare but the villagers still live in fear of another wind-based blast.

This interesting history is said to have influenced the local flag, which simply features ‘The Famous Peg’. The type of peg a person might put over their nose when becoming aware of an offensive stink”.

 

David thought this information about the local area was absolutely amazing and carried on listening attentively to Mrs Wigglit’s story.

 

“Possum Road is one of the most fascinating places in Bottomhamsted, and stories about this road are often featured in the local newspaper; ‘The Bottomhamsted Times’. One incredible fact about Possum Road is that each of the residents is a world record holder.

In fact, Possum Road itself holds the world record for having the most world record holders living in one street.”

 

Mrs Wigglit briefly paused, looked around at the class to see if everybody was still paying attention, then continued with the description of a Possum Road resident called ‘Studs’.

 

“Studs is an enormous muscle-head with a tattooed face. He wears a Viking helmet and has a habit of chasing cats in his giant muscle-car. He is usually very angry and can often be seen, bashing people in the face with his frying pan. Although this is universally accepted as a sidesplittingly funny event, in reality it’s a painful event resulting in a bruised nose”.

 

David’s eyes grew wider and wider, the more he heard about Studs. He was bursting to ask Mrs Wigglit what a muscle-car was but decided not to interrupt her, so just kept on listening.

 

“Studs hates most things in the world, but has shown a particular dislike for cats, lollypop ladies, vicars, cyclists and chocolate vending machines.

He used to the hold the record for being the world’s most violent man. This record is now held by another gentleman called Spikes, who lives in the neighbouring village of Tophamsted”.

David decided that Studs sounded absolutely fascinating so went straight round to his house after school to try and meet him.

 

STUDS

 

The world’s second most violent man

 

 

 

David approached Studs’ house cautiously, aware of his neighbour’s fearsome reputation. The house had the same appearance as the others in the street, apart from the huge white skull which was painted across the front, and the words ‘DEATH TO ALL VISITORS’ written underneath. David decided this indicated a great sense of humour, and that it would be perfectly ok to visit. Lurking outside the front of the house was Stud’s enormous muscle-car, which looked as though it would definitely belong to a murderous individual.

 

Muscle-Car:

A very powerful and muscle-bound car used by bullies to frighten all the good citizens of the world.

Not to be messed with.

 

The rusty iron gate leading to the small font garden was covered in spiky barbed wire. Luckily, David managed to pass through this gate without suffering too many injuries.

 

In the centre of the metal front door was a completely innocent looking plastic door-bell, so David proceeded to confidently press it.

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

 

Instead of the expected ‘Ding Dong’ there was the sound of an enormous explosion, and David was blown off his feet.

Despite being completely dazed and baffled, he managed to stand back up. David looked around to see what devastation this explosion must have caused, but the birds were singing, the postman walked past whistling a happy tune and all seemed perfectly calm in the world.

 

“Was that huge bang, really just the sound of the doorbell?” David thought to himself.

 

He dusted himself down and looked back towards the front door only to be confronted by the vile and grotesque shape of Studs!

 

“His face actually is covered in tattoos and he really does wear a Viking helmet!” thought David.

 

This man sounded extremely scary from Mrs Wigglit’s description, but now face to face with the world’s second most violent man, David started to feel very nervous. His nervousness became so severe that he actually forgot why he was visiting Studs, and what he wanted to say to him. David even managed to forget his own name!

 

“Did you try and blow my house up”? growled Studs.

 

After some time, David re-gained some courage and said “Yes, I mean no, er I don’t know, I mean eerrr eeerrrr.”

 

Studs thought this was most amusing and promptly produced a frying pan, ready to whack David in the face. Before this humorous event could take place, David’s fearlessness returned and he cheerily announced,

 

“Good Afternoon Studs, my name is David. I am your new neighbour and I would like to meet you”.

 

Studs was so stunned by David’s friendly introduction, that he immediately dropped the frying pan and started wobbling around like a drunk gorilla.

Nobody had ever introduced themselves to Studs before and he was so shocked that he actually passed out. He plummeted to the ground with a huge thud, landing right on David’s foot!

David tried desperately to pull his foot out from beneath the fallen giant, but Studs was just too heavy and his foot was completely trapped. Luckily, Studs soon made some grunting and burping sounds and started to regain consciousness, just as David’s toe was starting to feel decidedly numb.

Studs slowly scrambled back on to his feet but instead of flying into the expected rage, he stood still for a few moments and looked very worried. He had somehow managed to convince himself that he was dead and needed to check into hospital for a body transplant. Despite being dead, he decided he would drive himself to hospital in the Muscle-car, taking David along with him for cat-spotting purposes.

Studs really does not like cats since one gave him an evil stare when he was a child, so he is always looking for opportunities to try and frighten them with his muscle-car. He thought David would be a useful extra pair of eyes and alert him to any cat sightings, but as soon as David had climbed into the enormous vehicle, Studs spotted a cat in the road.

‘All cats must be run over’ is another one of Stud’s slogans and this is actually scribbled on the back of one of his overly studded jackets.

As Studs is such a useless driver, he has never managed to run over a cat, but he keeps trying.

Without warning, the muscle-car surged forward in fog of thunderous noise and tyre smoke towards the unfortunate cat.

The cat appeared to be unaware of the monstrous peril bellowing towards it, and it really appeared that Studs would actually run over a cat for the first time in his life!

 

“BLIMEY!” shouted David as the brave but stupid cat refused to budge out of harm’s way and just stared straight into Stud’s manic eyes.

 

But then David noticed that the cat was actually a teddy bear, which had fallen off a delivery van on its way to the bear factory. Studs was too stupid to notice this and shouted “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha” as the teddy bear rolled unharmed under the car.

“Serves that stupid cat right for giving me an evil stare” said Studs as they continued to roar down the street towards the hospital.

 

At the hospital he parked the muscle-car in a space marked ‘Psychopaths’ and they both strolled into the hospital reception.

 

“How may I be of assistance?” said the receptionist politely.

 

“I‘M DEAD AND NEED A TRANSPLANT!!!” shouted Studs rudely.

 

The receptionist raised an eyebrow and then another eyebrow. She whispered something in the ear of one of her colleagues and then pretended to make some phone calls.

 

“Please wait here”, she said.

 

David and Studs looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and sat down on a couple of well worn chairs. After spending some time lounging around on the scruffy chairs, a bespectacled brain surgeon arrived who managed to convince Studs that he was actually alive and that no transplant was necessary. However, the bespectacled brain surgeon provided Studs with a Zimmer-frame, which he might find handy when he was really old and wobbly. The brain surgeon had noticed that Studs was dangerous, so thought it would be wise not to let him leave empty handed. Studs really liked the idea of using the Zimmer-frame so thanked the brain surgeon and they both strolled back to the car, using the Zimmer-frame for extra stability.

However, before Studs arrived at the car, he suddenly became furious when he noticed a lollypop lady standing on the other side of the road. Studs has never forgiven a certain lollypop lady for shouting at him when he was a small boy, and has hated all lollypop ladies ever since.

 

Studs raised the Zimmer-frame above his head and chucked it as hard as he could at the lollipop lady, narrowly missing her. This was actually a big mistake as the giant lollipops carried by lollipop ladies can easily be converted into weapons, and anybody who annoys a lollipop lady is usually in big trouble. It is also true that lollipop ladies are very tough and not afraid of anybody, not even the world’s second most violent man. David dashed over and quickly picked up the Zimmer-frame before the lollipop lady could reach for her giant lollipop. He tried to apologise for Studs’ behaviour, but she was already very cross and preparing for a lolly attack. Studs and David dived into the car, still holding the Zimmer-frame and tried to get away but it was too late, the lollipop lady was now bashing the car with the giant lollipop and much damage had already been done. After receiving quite a few lolly-wallops, they managed to maneuver out of the hospital car park and speed off down the road to make their escape.

 

That was enough excitement for one day, thought David and he hoped for a nice peaceful drive back home. He made himself comfortable in the wide leather seats of the muscle-car, closed his eyes and tried to relax.

However, on the way back to Possum Road whilst they were stopped at some traffic lights, Studs noticed his arch enemy ‘Spikes’ pull up alongside them in his muscle-van.

These two muscle-heads have a long history of violent battles and have often been seen fighting with each other. Not only have they been seen battling with traditional frying pans, but also with heroic gladiatorial weapons, such as maces, axes, broad-swords and even tridents. Now they had seen each other in their vehicles, there could only be one outcome and it would definitely involve pain and damage.

The lights went quickly green and the two muscle-vehicles charged away, waking David up in the process. Studs immediately tried to ram Spikes’ car

off the road and into somebody’s garden shed!

Spikes was totally unimpressed by this, so pushed Studs’ car into a toad swamp, where it ground to a halt.

Spikes shouted Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha, blew some raspberries, then drove off into the distance.

 

Toad Swamp:

An area of boggy unpleasantness infested by toad-like creatures. Wellies definitely required.

 

The muscle-car was now covered in swampy slime, and toad-like creatures were sitting on the bonnet giving Studs evil stares. Studs was of course very angry about this and rummaged around for his frying pan. David thought he might be on the receiving end of a whack, so was very pleased when Studs jumped out of the car and started whacking everything else he could find instead. Firstly, Studs noticed a chocolate vending machine next to the road, so ran over to it and bashed it so hard that it burst open. Bars of chocolate went flying in all directions, causing a riot among the local chocoholics and greedy types.

A vicar then appeared on the scene, on his way to raise some funds for the Bottomhamsted Fair. Studs threw the frying pan at him, and it hit him right on his nose, but this vicar was surprisingly hard and bashed Studs in the face with a heavy bible.

Studs hates all vicars because when he was a young boy, a vicar clipped him round the ear for breaking wind in church.

Studs has many enemies but his least favourite type of person is the cyclist, because only last week a cyclist threw a brick through his window. This mindless act of vandalism put all cyclists right to the very top of Studs’ ‘Most Hated’ list.

David realised that this was one of those crazy days where lots of coincidences happen, when a group of cycling enthusiasts suddenly came racing round the corner. The vicar had already confiscated the frying pan, so Studs picked up the Zimmer-frame again and threw it at the group of approaching cycling enthusiasts, causing a hilarious bicycle pile up. The pile-up caused the cyclists to be thrown head first into the toad-swamp, and their bikes to be badly bent. The cycling enthusiasts gathered themselves together, and started complaining about their broken bicycles and grazed knees. Studs just scooped up some toad-like creatures from the swamp and threw them at the cyclists until they stopped moaning.

This frenzy of bad behaviour continued for a while, until Studs realised it was time to head home to watch some violent films on the telly.

Using his great strength, he pushed the muscle-car out of the toad swamp. David and Studs then jumped in and drove off, running over the pile of bicycles in the process.

 

As they arrived back in Possum Road in the damaged muscle-car, David remembered a poster he had seen in the village about the Bottomhamsted Village Fair and thought how Stud’s car would now be perfect for the amusing and dangerous Main Event. He produced the leaflet he had picked up about the event and handed it over to Studs.

Something then happened which had never happened before, Studs smiled and said “Cheers Dave”.

“Good-bye Studs, it was very nice to meet you” said David.

 

David could not quite believe how exciting life in Bottomhamsted had been so far, and was really looking forward to discover what could possibly happen next.

LADY ORANGE

World’s most orange person

 

David was still buzzing from his adventure with Studs as he entered school the next day. On the way to class he had to pass by the school pond. This lovely tranquil pond featured some beautiful water lilies and contained a number of prize-winning goldfish, which belonged to the headmaster. David stopped next to the pond and watched the glistening goldfish swimming around in the morning sunshine.

Typically, the peaceful moment did not last long as a group of very excited boys arrived on the scene, carrying a suspicious looking school bag. David was sure he could hear a sloshing sound coming from inside the bag! As the boys opened the school bag, he was astonished to see a small but vicious shark jump out and dive straight into the pond. After a few seconds of calm and silence, there was a huge eruption of bubbles and spray as the shark chased the goldfish around the small pond and gobbled them all up. The vicious shark then chewed up all the beautiful water lilies, before jumping straight back into the school bag. The boys gave each other ‘high fives’ then ran off singing some kind of song about a shark eating the headmaster’s pet goldfish. David thought he might never get used to his new school as he made his way to class.

 

He arrived in the classroom and took a seat at the back, which promptly collapsed causing much chuckling and sniggering among his classmates. Mrs Wigglit was less amused but went on to announce that the distinguished ‘Lady Orange’ would be the subject of today’s lesson.

 

“Lady Orange is a member of the illustrious Orange family who are known for their excessively generous contributions to great causes. She can often be seen throwing piggy banks full of coins at disadvantaged individuals, sometimes causing serious injuries.

A couple of worthy causes which Lady Orange has made generous donations to, are the

‘Steamrollers Appreciation Society’ and a group who call themselves the ‘Knobbly Knee Club’. This group of old men apparently all have very knobbly knees and want to be recognised for their outstanding knobblyness.

Despite her great generosity and nobility, there are rumors that Lady Orange owns a secret underground greenhouse where she develops weapons. She has also been spotted shouting rude words through people’s letterboxes”.

 

Lady Orange sounded so brilliant that David ran straight round to her house as quickly as possible after school.

 

It came as no surprise that her house was the one painted orange and that even her windows were somehow orange tinted. David knocked on the door and was very surprised to hear the distinguished Lady Orange shout, “Go away, I hate you!!” from inside the house.

David thought there must be some kind of misunderstanding, so decided to introduce himself in a very loud voice from outside.

 

“Good afternoon Lady Orange, My name is David and I am your new neighbour!!!” he shouted.

 

An orange haired lady looked through the window, smiled and then opened the door.

 

“Good afternoon David, I do apologise for my terrible behaviour, I thought you were one of those ghastly milk-men” she said, and invited David inside. She immediately disappeared into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of oranges and some orange juice. David grabbed an orange and started to peel it, as she began telling the story of the long-standing bitter rivalry between her illustrious ‘Orange’ family and the disgusting ‘Dairy’ family.

“For centuries, there have been raging battles and disputes over which drink is the most fabulous, orange or milk” she said.

She then explained how the disgusting Dairy family, have recruited huge armies of milk-men who invade people’s houses very early in the morning in their evil electric powered milk-floats.

“They force the weary residents to accept pints of milk and return the empties the next day – or else. These tactics of invasion before dawn have made it more difficult for people to appreciate the true greatness of orange juice. People who try to drive their cars to the supermarket in order to purchase oranges are so inconvenienced by the presence of ridiculously slow milk-floats on the road, that they often give up and go back home to drink milk”.

David was quite amazed by Lady Orange’s story, but was even more amazed by what appeared to be a bazooka lying on the expensive looking fur rug.

Bazooka:

A destructive drainpipe, which can be loaded with fruits. The fruits explode and fly out of the drainpipe at devastating speed. Invented by a furious female called Betty Zooka.

Lady Orange noticed David’s surprised look so started to explain about the daring mission, which would be taking place early next morning.

“The plan is to get up very early in the morning and go on a milk-man hunt”, she said.

This all sounded extremely exciting so David asked if he could join her. Of course Lady Orange would be more than pleased to have some reinforcements with her, and agreed to meet David first thing in the morning. David finished off his orange refreshments, said good-bye to Lady Orange and made his way home.

The next day he woke up very early, peered out of the window into the darkness and could just about make out the shape of Lady Orange’s micro-car parked opposite. In the gloom it was just possible to see that the bazooka was now attached to the roof of the car. David pondered for a moment whether joining Lady Orange was a good idea or not, but quickly decided that this could definitely turn out to be another excellent adventure. He grabbed some breakfast (cereal with milk and a glass of orange juice) and quietly left the house without waking his parents. Lady Orange was already in the street by this time and shouted to David to get in the car before they missed the evil milk-men. David dived in and immediately noticed that the back seat was entirely filled with a large container of oranges, and that the boot was also stuffed full of oranges. There was also one lone coconut, which had been carefully placed on the rear shelf. Apparently the bazooka was configured to fire high-speed rounds of oranges, which could completely splatter a milk-float in 20 seconds. There was a big orange button on the dashboard marked ‘Hate Milk-men’ which fired the bazooka. Lady Orange then produced what looked like the controls to a remote control car. She pushed one of the levers, and David was amazed to see a mini spy helicopter take off from the roof of the car. The ‘night-vision’ view from a camera mounted on the spy helicopter was transmitted directly to a screen on the dashboard as it hovered over the dark skies of Bottomhamsted, allowing Lady Orange to quickly locate any milk-men. Soon enough, the first milk-float was spotted in the next road so they trundled off down the dark street to intercept the first milk-man on his evil milk round.

They cautiously approached the clattering milk-float from behind, which was moving very slowly down the road. On the dashboard was a ‘cross-hairs’ display, which is used to accurately pinpoint the enemy. Lady Orange lined up the milk-float in the cross-hairs and with much dignity she pressed the big orange button.

B-BANG!! B-BANG!! B-BANG!! B-BANG!!

There was a tremendous racket as the bazooka sucked up the oranges from the container in the back of the car, and blasted them at a manic rate directly into the back of the milk-float. Within the expected 20 seconds, the unfortunate float was completely splattered with oranges and most of the milk bottles had been smashed. The milk-man immediately jumped out and started expressing his disapproval by waving his arms around furiously. Lady Orange just turned the micro-car around and they sped away in search of the next milk-float. The milk-man was so angry about this orange splattering, that he called his colleagues and gave the emergency ‘Orange Alert!!’. This alerts all local milk-men to the fact that Lady Orange is on the attack and that anti-orange weapons can be deployed.

On the other side of Bottomhamsted, the spy helicopter had spotted another milk-float. Lady Orange drove over towards her next victim as fast as possible, always worried in case the sun would start to rise and expose her secret double life to the good people of Bottomhamsted. She lined up the second victim in the cross hairs, but was alarmed to see an enormous milk-cannon attached to the top of this milk-float pointing straight at her! In a panic and without properly aiming, she immediately fired the orange bazooka in the general direction of the milk-float. The milk-man also fired his milk-cannon at Lady Orange’s car, causing an almighty splattering of both vehicles and the surrounding houses. For around 20 seconds, there was the huge noise of oranges being blasted from the bazooka, and the sound of gallons of milk gushing out of the milk-cannon. The whole area was a total mess of orange and milk, and some of the neighbours had started to wake up to see what all the commotion was about. Although the milk-float was properly engulfed with oranges, the milk-cannon was so powerful that Lady Orange’s lightweight car had been blasted backwards and out of the street!

Then the sun started to come up and Lady Orange looked horrified. She was always very worried in case the residents of Bottomhamsted should discover that she was not always generous and kind, so made the decision to bring out the Secret Coconutter.

Secret Coconutter:

A mad type of hoovering coconut, which can only be used in emergencies or when faced with a huge mess. Developed in Lady Orange’s secret underground greenhouse.

Lady Orange grabbed the Coconutter from the back shelf of the car and threw it as hard as she could down the street towards the mess.

“BLIMEY!!” shouted David, as the Coconutter sliced through the air towards its target.

The milk-man feared for his life as he assumed the Coconutter was some kind of grenade, so dived up an alleyway. The Coconutter landed with a thud, rolled under the splattered milk-float and exploded into a frenzy of hoovering. Everybody watched in amazement as the Coconutter frantically hoovered up all the mess, and in a flash, the entire street looked like new. Even the smashed milk bottles had been miraculously repaired, although they were now empty. The Coconutter then rolled silently back towards Lady Orange and jumped straight into her pocket.

Lady Orange decided it was probably time to make a tactical retreat, as the sun was now coming up and the neighbours were waking.

On the way back, David noticed that Lady Orange was not entirely happy with the outcome of the dawn raid as her micro-car had been damaged. He mentioned the Bottomhamsted Main Event, which would shortly take place and she looked happy again. They arrived back in Possum Road and removed the Bazooka from the car as quickly as possible, before any nosey neighbours noticed. David thanked Lady Orange for the great adventure and headed off towards school.

THE GHOST OF MAX POTATO

Owns the world’s most haunted staircase

David walked slowly across the playground, still feeling a little tired after the early morning adventure with Lady Orange, when he suddenly noticed a careless boy slip on a discarded banana skin and fall flat on his face. Then immediately, a passing bully shouted

“PILE ON!!”

This was the signal to other school bullies that a boy was on the ground and that there was an opportunity for a mass pile up.

A Pile Up:

A number of bullies lying on top of an unfortunate boy who has fallen over. The aim of the Pile Up is to give the fallen boy a proper squashing.

Before the careless boy could get back on his feet, the bullies started piling on top of him and giving him a good squashing. David noticed that the careless boy was getting distressed by the increasing compression, so decided to take action. He rummaged around in his pocket for something, which might help in this situation but all he could find was an old stink bomb. He threw the stink bomb as hard as he could into the pile up where it was instantly crushed. The resulting stink caused all the bullies to jump off the unfortunate boy as fast as possible and retreat back to their hiding places. The crushed boy scrambled slowly back onto his feet and David watched in amazement as the flattened boy gradually expanded back into the right shape. As a thank-you, the boy gave David a flat cheese sandwich which David ate immediately as he was very hungry.

Feeling pleased with his good deed, David went off to class where he found Mrs Wigglit looking slightly sad. She checked that everybody in the class was paying attention and then started to tell the eerie story of her missing neighbour.

“There used to be a bedraggled peasant living in the street called Maximilian Potato. Although he owned a very expensive car, he could often be seen begging in the street for petrol money. His usual daily transport was a rusty bicycle with a bent frame, which he wobbled around the village on. One day, the very expensive car disappeared and so did Maximilian.

There was a rumor that he had taken an extended holiday on Potato Island, home of his great uncle King Edward the Spud Head. His house has since become a flea infested hovel which remains empty today, but sightings of ghostly bedraggled peasant figures have been reported by passing nosey neighbours”.

 

David was fascinated by the mystery of the missing peasant, particularly as there had been ghostly sightings in Max’s house since his sudden disappearance. He decided that Max would be the perfect neighbour to meet next.

David could see the haunted house from his bedroom window and had already noticed it was covered in spider’s webs, and that vampire bats swarmed around it during the evening. He had also spotted vultures circling over the house during the day. Only a couple of days ago, David noticed a headless horseman looking back at him through an upstairs window. This was surprising, as headless horsemen normally have no eyes, or indeed heads. Despite these scary events, David skipped merrily over to Max Potato’s house, full of optimism and joy. Although it was the middle of the afternoon and the weather was extremely pleasant, as David arrived at the rat-infested porch and reached out to knock on the rotting front door, the skies darkened and it was suddenly night time! Not only was it the middle of the night, but it was also foggy and there was a terrible thunder storm. This was quite startling, so David took a step backwards and was instantly back in beautiful sunshine.

“Odd” mumbled David as he stepped forward into the dark fog again and rang the doorbell.

The bell did not seem to make a sound, but he could definitely hear an out-of-tune organ playing somewhere in the distance and perhaps even some manic laughter. Then with a spooky creaking sound, the door slowly swung open by itself. The open door revealed a dusty and dingy room with furniture covered in ghostly white sheets. Some spiders scuttled away, some bats swooped around and there was another tremendous thunder clap. David, still full of Joy and optimism entered the house making the floorboards creak.

“Max Potato, are you in?” shouted David.

There was only silence apart from a woooooooooing sound coming from upstairs. David walked along the hallway and looked around. There was a small door to the right, which appeared to be a cupboard. Suddenly, from behind this door came the sound of a toilet flushing. David decided this must be the downstairs toilet and not a cupboard.

“Max, are you in the loo?” he enquired, but there was no answer.

Then with some creaking and grinding noises, the toilet door slowly opened. The toilet was empty.

“Odd” thought David.

As the woooooooooing sound was still going on in the background, David concluded that Max must be upstairs playing some kind of wind instrument. He started to climb the creaky and rickety staircase, hoping to finally introduce himself. This staircase actually held the record for being the most haunted staircase in the world, so naturally there were some unexpected and extra scary obstacles, which had to be overcome. Whilst climbing up the scary stairs, David had to tread on some long lost gravestones, which had somehow found their way onto the steps. Each step was a different gravestone, representing a deceased Bottomhamsted resident. Despite this unexpected inconvenience, he soon reached the top of the stairs, only to be faced with what appeared to be a grand piano, which was completely blocking the way.

 

Grand Piano:

A posh instrument for playing classical music. For fans of Heavy Metal, there is the Grind Piano. For Goths, there is the Grim Piano.

David pondered how he would ever get past this large obstacle so decided to try and push it out of the way. To his amazement, he fell straight through the piano and flat onto his face. It turned out that this wasn’t a real live piano but was just the ghost of a deceased piano, which he could simply have walked through. Now that David was finally on the landing, which was considerably colder than downstairs, he could make out a green glowing shape lurking in the darkness. David assumed this must be Max Potato.

“Good afternoon, my name is David and I am your new neighbour” exclaimed the fearless David.

“Welcome to my haunted hovel” said Max the dead peasant.

David could now clearly see the bedraggled, slightly transparent ghost of a peasant glowing brightly green. Although this was obviously an encounter with a real and terrifying ghost, David decided not to be scared and instead offered out his hand, hoping for a hearty handshake. The ghost obliged with a firm businesslike handshake and simply asked

“Would you like a ride in my ghost-car?”

David thought that a ride in a ghost-car with a real ghost would be absolutely fantastic, so gladly accepted the kind offer.

As they both carefully stepped back down the haunted staircase, Max explained how he and his expensive car had become ghosts. Earlier that year, he had driven over to Potato Island to visit his uncle King Edward the Spud Head, who had zapped him and his car with a special ghost-ray gun. This gun allows you to spend a couple of years living life as a ghost and to enjoy some of the benefits. As a ghost-car driver, life is considerably cheaper and easier. There are no petrol and running costs for the car, parking is free and there are no traffic jams.

They both ventured back though the dingy hovel full of haunted items and out towards the garage. The spooky creaking garage door opened to the now familiar sounds of the tuneless organ, and manic laughter. Lurking inside Max’s garage was the breathtaking sight of a low, wide, evil ghost-car. It was a menacing black in colour and surrounded by thick icy fog. David and Max excitedly scrambled inside the ghost-car and whooshed off silently. The night thunder storm incredibly changed back into a sunny afternoon, as soon as they drove out of the garage and into Possum Road.

One excellent thing about ghost-cars is that they can drive anywhere without crashing into anything, or even anybody noticing them. It seems that people can only see ghost-cars, if they believe in them but as not many people do, they are effectively invisible. Being invisible, the boys decided to get up to some naughtiness. They first drove though the local restaurant and blew raspberries at all the customers who were enjoying a delicious curry. The customers responded by throwing bread rolls around the room, as they all blamed each other for the raspberry noises. They then drove into Studs’ house and shouted “Studs is a softy”. Studs looked around for the person who called him a softy, went into a rage and started throwing objects around his house. Max realised that this was probably a mistake so drove away as quickly as possible. They then drove over to the school and into a boring teachers meeting, which was currently taking place. Max explained to David that he always kept a bucket of rotting vegetables in the car for situations such as these. Before David could say blimey, Max grabbed a handful, and started throwing the rotting vegetables out of the ghost-car’s window into the faces of the unsuspecting teachers. The bored teachers suddenly looked shocked and bewildered as they all turned around to see where the vegetables had come from. Before any of the teachers started believing in ghost-cars and realising who was behind the attack, Max and David sped out of the school at high speed.

This was all a huge amount of fun but Max then explained that he was desperate to go and see the Real Ghost-Train, which was apparently at the fairground in the next village of Tophamsted. Max had noticed a poster a few days ago, advertising the appearance of a genuine ghost train, which was visiting the Tophamsted Fair, and he was extremely keen to visit. Full of excitement, they drove over to the next village and arrived at the car park. Ghost-cars don’t actually need a parking space so as the car park was full, Max parked the car inside another parked car and didn’t even have to pay. Max and David got out of the fantastic ghost-car, stood and admired its mean looks for a while then started walking towards the very scary and impressive looking ‘Real Ghost-Train’.

It obviously was real, as vultures were flying overhead and only the people who believe in ghosts could actually see it. A few people were obviously terrified by the sight of the monstrous Ghost-Train, but most people walked cheerily past as if it simply wasn’t there. Max and David stopped in front of the train and watched in amazement as the huge black ghost-train charged around the track, faster and faster until it had reached impossibly high speeds. Round and round the track it screamed, creating a strong wind as it rushed past them. David felt a little dizzy. Suddenly there was a huge clattering and screeching sound as it came flying off the tracks and headed straight towards them! David and Max dived out of the way as the runaway train stormed past them in the direction of the car park. As this was a real ghost-train, it just passed straight through all the parked cars as if they weren’t there, but was heading straight for Max’s ghost-car! Max covered his eyes, not wanting to see any harm come to his beloved ghost-car. There was a huge clap of thunder and some violent lighting, as the escaped ghost-train smashed straight into the fantastic ghost-car. Max slowly opened his eyes and was very sad to see that the ghost-train had barged his ghost-car out of the way causing quite a lot of damage.

It is very rare for a ghost-car to suffer any damage. This would only be possible during a crash with another ghost-article, such as a ghost-train for example.

This was indeed a very unlucky day for Max, who could not believe what had happened and was looking very miserable. David knew this was the time he needed to produce the Bottomhamsted Main Event leaflet again. Max took one look at the leaflet and noticed the enormous amount of prize money. He cheered up straight away. Luckily, the ghost-car was still drivable, so they jumped in and made their way back to Bottomhamsted in time for tea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE OZ HOLE

 

The deepest hole in the world

 

 

David woke up the next morning and felt unwell, so decided to take a day off school to recover from all the excitement of the last few days. His parents gave him some extra powerful medicine and left for work, leaving David all alone in the house. After spending some hours in bed recovering, David started to feel much better so got up and went downstairs.

It was a very quiet day in Possum Road. There was no mayhem outside in the street and nothing was happening inside the house. In fact it was perfectly silent. But David was sure he could hear the unmistakable sound of a didgeridoo being played somewhere in the distance.

 

Didgeridoo:

A wind instrument which sounds like somebody blowing raspberries down a long toilet-roll. Before locks were invented, didgeridoos were used to warn people that the bathroom was occupied.

 

He opened a window and looked outside, but the sound definitely wasn’t coming from anywhere near Possum Road. He closed the window again and the sound definitely became a little louder.

 

“How could the sound of a didgeridoo be coming from inside the house?” mumbled David to himself.

He went though the various rooms in the house looking for the source of the sound, and definitely thought the sound was slightly louder in the downstairs bathroom. David then put his ear to the open plug hole in the sink and came to the startling conclusion, that somebody was definitely playing the didgeridoo somewhere underneath the house!

The sound seemed to be coming from beneath the bathroom floor, so he lifted up the carpet and was amazed to find a manhole cover with the words ‘Oz Hole’ written on it. David was not sure what to make of this stupid manhole cover, but he was really curious to find out where the music was coming from, so proceeded to try and open it! It seemed that the manhole cover was screwed into the ground and could be opened by turning it. David started to slowly turn the manhole cover and it started to unscrew. After a lot of effort, he managed to remove the manhole cover completely and placed it to one side.

With the manhole cover removed, the sound of the didgeridoo was now much louder!

He peered down into the pitch black hole and realised straight away that it must be extremely deep. The hole was completely round and lined with a kind of smooth metallic material. It looked more like a tube than a drain.

He wanted to test how deep this hole was, so found his least favorite toy car and dropped it into the darkness. David waited to hear the sound of the toy car landing at the bottom, but he heard nothing apart from the didgeridoo.

All this hard work had made David hungry, so he grabbed a banana and carelessly tossed the skin on the ground. This was really stupid of David as he immediately slipped on the banana skin and fell head first straight down the Oz Hole.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

screamed David, as he hurtled down the hole at an ever increasing speed.

 

After spending a few minutes falling down the Oz Hole, David reminded himself that he was fearless and stopped being scared.

He started looking around as he was falling and

could see the light from his bathroom slowly disappearing above him, but below him was still darkness.

The sound of the didgeridoo continued to grow louder and louder, the further he fell down the hole. After what seemed like an age of high speed falling, he became aware of a light at the bottom of the hole. He also realised that he was slowing down as he got closer to the light.

 

“This is really weird” mumbled David.

The light was now getting very close and he was now falling at a surprisingly slow speed.

David prepared himself for a gentle landing, as it was clear he was about to find what was at the bottom of the Oz Hole.

To his great surprise, he didn’t land with a bump at the bottom of the enormous hole, but instead popped out the other end of the tube and landed on a soft sandy beach, right next to his least favorite toy car. David looked around in a state of amazement. There was a man sitting on the sand next to the exit of the hole playing a didgeridoo. He was wearing a wide brimmed hat, which had a number of strings hanging from it. Attached to each of these strings was a cork.

 

Hat with Corks:

Before the days of toothpaste, people used to hang corks from their hats. The smell of fine wine from the corks would cover up the foul stink of bad breath. Nowadays, such hats are useful for keeping kangaroos off your face.

 

 

 

 

“G’day mate” he said to David.

 

“G’day mate” replied David.

 

David then looked around and saw some fascinating sights. He seemed to have landed on a beautiful beach on a warm sunny day. There were a number of people sitting around on deck chairs, enjoying barbecues and drinking small cans of beer. Several people were surfing on large waves in the lovely blue sea while others were throwing boomerangs around. David then realised that the Oz Hole was not really a proper hole, and that he had somehow been transported somewhere else. He even started to suspect that he might not even be in Bottomhamsted anymore!

 

“Excuse me sir, can you tell me where we are?” said David to the man with the corks.

 

“Australia mate” he replied.

 

“Looks like you fell into the Oz Hole which connects us to Bottomhamsted” he said.

 

“In the past, the hole was used for throwing badly behaved possums down to Possum Road, but nowadays the hole seems to be blocked”

he added.

David was suitably stunned, but decided to make the most of the situation and go for a swim in the beautiful blue sea. As soon as David had walked slowly into the sea and started swimming, he heard several people suddenly shout

 

“SHARK!!”

 

Luckily David had attended evening classes on how to survive shark attacks so was fully prepared for such an event. Unfortunately, he couldn’t quite remember if he was meant to punch the shark on its nose or give it a hard kick. He looked around for the shark and saw its fin heading straight towards him so decided to punch it on the nose. David summoned up all the courage he could find, and just as the shark was about to bite him, he bashed it as hard as he could right on the hooter. David then discovered that his evening classes had been a complete waste of time, as the shark opened its huge jaws and gobbled him up!

Now trapped inside the shark’s tummy, David tried to fight his way out. He punched and kicked as hard as he could, but it looked like he was doomed to becoming the shark’s lunch.

 

“HEEEELLLPPP” shouted David as he desperately thrashed his arms and legs around.

 

Then suddenly to his amazement he somehow managed to wrestle his way out of the shark, but instead of floating around in the beautiful blue sea he found himself back in his bedroom. It appeared he had been fighting his way out of his duvet and not actually from inside a man-eating shark!

 

Feeling very stupid, David jumped out of bed and ran down to the bathroom. He picked up the carpet, but there was no man hole to be seen.

 

“I must have been dreaming” concluded David.

 

He decided to take a look at the bottle containing the extra powerful medicine, which his parents had given him that morning. He found it and read the label.

 

‘WARNING:

May cause bizarre dreams about Australia’.

 

David was very relieved that it was all just a dream and looked forward to getting back to reality the next day.

LUCKY STANLEY

World’s fastest blind motorcyclist

Today, David had decided to bring one of his pet reptiles to school. This pet reptile was called Iron Geoffrey, a poisonous hard-backed terrapin who fitted perfectly into David’s top pocket.

Terrapins:

Small hyperactive tortoises, which live in puddles. Although faster than tortoises, terrapins are much more irritating.

Iron Geoffrey’s poison is not really deadly it but does cause some intense itching and scratching. Iron Geoffrey’s shell is so hard that David thought he might be able to withstand the extreme crushing forces, often experienced during a typical day at school.

Before going to class, he and Iron Geoffrey made their way over to the ice-cream van to join the queue. David had heard about the great lollies available from the ice-cream man who parks his van every day in the school playground. When they arrived at the van, there was the usual manic scrum of desperate boys, all barging and shoving their way to the front of the queue.

“This is ridiculous” thought David and headed off towards the caretakers room to borrow some ladders.

After rummaging around in the caretakers room he found some suitable ladders and headed back to the ice-cream van. He sneaked the ladders round the back of the ice-cream van, scrambled up onto the roof and looked down on the shoving masses. He then lay down, pulled himself towards the edge and lent far enough over, that he could see straight into the ice-cream van’s open window from above.

Although David was now half upside down, he was perfectly positioned to be served without getting crushed. Then dramatically, before David even had a chance to order some lollies, Iron Geoffrey slipped out of his top pocket and dropped down into the unsuspecting riot below, releasing his itchy poison. The barging and rioting suddenly stopped as all the boys started jumping and dancing around, scratching like mad and running in all different directions. David watched with amazement as everybody dashed off towards the bathrooms to wash off Iron Geoffrey’s poison.

“Woops” thought David to himself.

As the queue had now dispersed, David was able to come down from the roof of the van, put Iron Geoffrey back in his top pocket and order the lollies. David then stuffed a lolly in his mouth and went happily into class, intending to tell his new classmates about his adventures with a real ghost called Max. Just as David had started to describe the incredible ghost-car, Mrs Wigglit interrupted and started to tell her own stories about another one of the neighbours in Possum Road.

“Further down the street lives a man who wears such dark sunglasses that he can’t see anything. He never takes his sunglasses off for fear of looking uncool, and although he does look pretty cool in his shades he is effectively blind. He fills his coat and his car with whoopee cushions for comfort and protection, during his daily bumps and scrapes”.

Whoopee cushions:

Multi-purpose bags of wind.

Used in schools to embarrass teachers, or for saving lives during high speed impacts.

“This blind man is called Lucky Stanley who surprisingly holds the land speed record for a blind person on a motorbike. This record was achieved late one evening, when all the neighbours were watching telly. He borrowed his friend Mr Ken Wong’s Japanese motorbike and achieved a staggering 100 mph along the narrow and bumpy Possum Road. This was a fantastic achievement but there was no way of stopping at the end of the street. After a huge skid and a close shave with a possum, Stanley crashed comfortably into a pile of extra large and extra soft teddy bears, which had just been delivered to the Bear factory at the end of the street. Stanley is very lucky during his numerous accidents, and although he often finds himself being catapulted through the air, he always lands on soft luxury items. Despite Stanley’s many bumps and scrapes, he has actually only been to hospital on one occasion. This was not because of an injury, but because he once crashed a quad-bike through a hospital window and landed on a pile of fresh laundry”.

David thought this story was beyond belief, so he went straight round to Stanley’s house after school to find out what exactly was going on.

Stanley’s front door was covered in scratches where he had tried to find the keyhole with his keys. David pressed the door Bell and was amused to hear the Nursery Rhyme ‘Three Blind Mice’! Nobody came to the door, but there was a shuffling and crashing sound coming from inside. After some minutes, the door opened and a cool man with dark glasses appeared. He seemed pleasant but looked straight passed David, as if looking at a distant horizon.

“No thank-you, I have already got some” said Stanley to whoever he thought was at the door.

“Hello, my name is David, I am your new neighbour” said David.

Stanley realised the visitor was not a sales person and invited David in for a cup of tea. The house was dark inside so David switched on the light. Of course it didn’t work as there was no light bulb. In the kitchen, Stanley boiled the kettle and skillfully managed to pour the boiling water accurately into the two tea cups, but after much scrabbling about in some cupboards, discovered there were no tea bags. Not having a cup of tea was unthinkable to any Possum Road resident, so Stanley and David decided to drive over to the local shop in Stanley’s modified blind-person’s car to get some teabags. The thought of travelling in a car with a blind driver seemed a bit unusual, but David decided it must be ok and just another example of the crazy things which go on in Possum Road.

Stanley grabbed his white stick and they both stepped out into the street, towards Stanley’s small red hatchback. Attached all around the body of the car were lots of thick rubber bumpers and large soft sponges. These had been added to the car to absorb most of the shocks caused by the continuous scraping and bashing, which takes place during a typical journey with Stanley. This ingenious sponge arrangement, also prevents his car from causing damage to other vehicles.

Stanley squeezed himself into the driver’s side of the car and David went round to get in the passenger side. To his amazement, when he opened the passenger door he was faced with a wall of whoopee cushions which entirely filled up the car.

“Just squeeze yourself in-between all the whoopee cushions” shouted Stanley.

With a lot of embarrassing raspberry noises, David managed to force himself between the whoopee cushions and close the door, but found he couldn’t see anything. David remembered a time when as a small boy, he had sandwiched himself between two mattresses and decided this was a very similar feeling. He tried to talk to Stanley, but his face was pressed so tightly up against the cushions that he could hardly speak. David could only tell that they were now actually moving, because the whoopee cushions started to continuously produce embarrassing raspberry sounds as he bounced around inside the car.

Not being able to see out of the windscreen was very distressing for David, so he tried frantically to move some of the cushions out of the way so he could at least see where he was going. After a lot of struggling, he managed to create a small gap between two cushions and was able to peer through the windscreen. The first thing he noticed were the horrified expressions on people’s faces, as Stanley’s car travelled down the road, brushing against parked vehicles and houses. Although this appeared fairly terrifying to onlookers, scraping the car against solid objects actually guided Stanley in the right general direction down the street. When Stanley came to the end of a street, his satellite navigation system would shout out directions so he would know which way to turn the steering wheel. His Sat Nav had a special ‘Extra Dark Sunglasses’ setting, which gave loud and clear instructions.

Honk, Honk, Honk, Honk. Stanley warned fellow motorists of his arrival by continuously blowing the horn. This was very noisy and annoying but at least people could hear him coming and try to get out of his way.

David continued to watch through the small peep hole between the whoopee cushions, in amazement as pedestrians ran for their lives and other motorists swerved or screeched to a halt. Despite the soft sponges and rubber bumpers, he noticed that a parked car, a street lamp and also a telephone box were damaged as Stanley’s car scraped past them. David had by now realised that this was utter madness but was fascinated to see what would happen next.

The shop was not too far away, but something would happen on this journey, which can only be explained by the fact that David was always involved in coincidences. In the next street, another cool person wearing very dark shades had just moved in, and was heading back from the same shop with some teabags in the same type of modified vehicle. To make matters worse, Stanley was now in a hurry as he was really desperate for a cup of tea, so had decided to drive faster than usual! There is a notorious ‘blind’ corner in Bottomhamsted where several unfortunate incidents had happened before, and it seemed that the two blind drivers would meet at exactly this point.

Stanley had just flattened a garden gnome and the other blind person had squashed a row of prize winning marrows, when they both rounded the notorious blind corner at the same time.

A nasty accident now seemed unavoidable. “BLIMEY!” shouted David as the cars crunched straight into each other.

CRUUUUUUUNCH, RAAAAAAAAAASSPP

The impact caused all of the whoopee cushions in both cars to ‘blow off’ at the same time, creating a very amusing sound like an enormous breaking of wind. David was joggled around inside the car, but no harm was done.

Thanks to the ingenious idea of the whoopee cushions and the extra absorbent rubber bumpers, nobody was hurt during the bizarre collision. Actually it was quite a calming and pleasant experience for all involved, including some witnesses who couldn’t stop sniggering about the huge rasping sound. Unfortunately, both cars suffered damage and had crumpled nose areas. David and the two blind people got out of the vehicles and discussed how pleasant the accident had been, and how comfortable they were during the impact. In fact, Stanley and the other blind person said they had enjoyed the accident so much that they agreed to have another one. They both climbed back into their cars and rammed each other a few more times until their cars were properly dented. David suggested it would be too dangerous for Stanley and his new blind neighbour to drive their bashed cars anymore, so they phoned a local garage and both cars were towed home.

Later that day, David and Stanley were standing in Possum Road discussing the day’s events and assessing the damage to the car. David explained to Stanley that although the car was damaged, it would be perfect for the Bottomhamsted Main Event. He explained the details of this great event and Stanley looked very happy. David said good-bye to Stanley and went home, pleased that he had learnt a little about the challenges of life as a blind person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

MISTER SEWAGE

 

The worst headmaster in the world

 

 

The next day in the school playground, David sensed a completely different atmosphere. Instead of getting up to the usual dangerous and hilarious activities, the schoolboys were just hanging around in groups, muttering amongst themselves. David approached one of these groups to find out what was going on.

 

Apart from the general chit-chat, David discovered that the headmaster had left because a shark had eaten his goldfish. He had been replaced by a new nasty headmaster called Mister Sewage, who was starting today.

 

Sewage:

Stuff which flows slowly through underground tunnels. Farmers spray this stuff at cows with their muck spreading machines.

David backed away from the group of gossips and went off to class as usual.

 

As he entered Mrs Wigglits’ classroom, he noticed she was looking unusually angry.

 

“Today we are not discussing anybody from Possum Road, but instead we will be learning about the history of concrete”, she grumbled in an angry voice.

 

“Concrete?” everybody said in a very surprised manner.

 

“Yes Mister Sewage has banned all interesting subjects from the classroom” replied Mrs Wigglit.

 

David was very disappointed about this, as he was really looking forward to hearing the next unbelievable story about somebody from Bottomhamsted. He was so disappointed that he tried to put the rubbish bin over his head, but it was full of crumpled paper-airplanes and discarded chewing gum.

David and his class mates had to endure a couple of awful hours learning about the history of cement mixers and concrete walls.

When the bell finally went off, everybody was desperate to dash out into the playground but Mrs Wigglit announced that there would be no break this morning! A special assembly had been arranged for everybody to meet the new headmaster.

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOO” shouted the class, and shuffled off in the direction of the hall.

 

Everybody was assembled in the school hall and had been waiting impatiently for at least five minutes, when a short fat man suddenly burst through the door and jumped up on the stage.

 

“I AM MISTER SEWAGE!” shouted the short fat man at the top of his voice.

 

Some of the school boys sat bolt upright and looked terrified, others showed very little reaction, but some pupils were so bored by Mister Sewage’s announcement that their brains stopped functioning and they fell off their chairs.

 

After this bold introduction, he pulled out a small mirror, admired his face, then proceeded to apply some hair gel.

 

“Mister Sewage seems to be mad” whispered David to the boy sitting next to him.

 

Mister Sewage then made a short speech.

 

“There will be no more ice-cream van.

No more throwing fireworks at teachers.

No more poisonous reptiles.

No more World War 2 Grenades.

No more sharks in the fish pond.

No more games of ‘Pile-On’.

No more dismantling teacher’s cars.

No more throwing new pupils into the skip.

No more days off to dream about Australia.

No more interesting lessons”

 

He checked his appearance in the mirror again, applied some more hair gel then jumped off the stage and left the hall.

 

Everybody, including the teachers looked slightly bewildered and started talking quite loudly amongst themselves.

David turned to his classmates and suggested they should do something to get rid of the mad Mister Sewage. It was decided to hold a secret meeting in the caretaker’s room at lunch time.

 

Word quickly spread around the school about the emergency meeting, so a good turn-out was expected. Lunchtime came and David walked over to the caretaker’s office with some of his class mates, and found it was already completely stuffed full of angry pupils. They managed to force themselves into the office and take part in the loud discussions about how they might tackle this horrible new headmaster.

After much arguing, an ingenious plan was devised which would involve a boy called ‘Naughty Brian’.

Naughty Brian was very popular in the school because he lived on a farm, which had several bee hives. Today he was going to be particularly useful as he would nip home after the meeting and collect a large lunchbox full of bees.

That same afternoon, a reporter from ‘The Bottomhamsted Times’ was due to come to the school to take some pictures of the new headmaster. This event would also form part the ‘Great Plan’.

During the meeting, David had been given the task of finding some extra sticky glue.

He thought he should be able to find some sticky glue in the school stationary cupboard, so after checking there were no teachers in the area he opened the cupboard and quickly grabbed a tube of glue. Unfortunately, Mrs Wigglit suddenly came around the corner and caught him in the act. She looked very cross until David explained that the glue was part of a plan to upset Mister Sewage.

 

“I didn’t see anybody stealing sticky glue from the stationary cupboard” she said, as she turned away from David and walked off down the corridor.

 

David was surprised by her reaction and now knew that the teachers disliked Mister Sewage as much as the schoolboys.

 

David went out into the playground with the sticky glue and found Naughty Brian, who had just got back with a schoolbag containing a lunchbox full of bees and a pot of special potion.

The potion consisted of honey and nectar, which is especially tasty if you are a bee. In fact bees go mad for Naughty Brian’s special potion. David added some of his sticky glue to the potion and it was ready to be used.

 

Nectar:

Favorite food of bees and hippopotamuses.

If you upset them when they are eating nectar, the bee will sting you on the nose and the hippopotamus will sneeze in your face.

Before the arrival of the photographer, David and Naughty Brian sneaked into Mister Sewage’s office. They looked around the office but could not see what they were looking for so decided to look inside a large cupboard, but it was completely empty. Then they decided to look inside Mister Sewage’s desk drawer. They opened the drawer and found exactly what they had been searching for.

“MISTER SEWEGE’S HAIRGEL!” They both whispered loudly.

 

Naughty Brian pulled his special potion out of his schoolbag, being careful not to accidentally open the lunchbox and release the bees. He poured some of his potion into Mister Sewage’s bottle of hair gel, shook it up, then replaced the hair gel carefully back into the drawer.

To be on the safe side, they also stole his mirror. They gave each other the ‘thumbs up’ and crept silently out of the office.

 

Later that afternoon the reporter from “The Bottomhamsted Times’ arrived, so Mister Sewage went to his office to apply some hair gel before having his picture taken. He pulled out the bottle and covered his hair in Naughty Brian’s special potion.

 

Mister Sewage had insisted that everybody was present to see him being photographed by the local newspaper, so all the pupils and teachers were gathered in the cold and windy school playground. Mister Sewage soon appeared, looking very pompous.

Everybody immediately forgot about being cold when they saw his fantastic hairstyle. His hair was spiky and sticking out in all directions.

He hadn’t noticed what had happened to his beautiful hair and nobody dared mention that he now looked like a short fat scarecrow.

 

 

He proudly posed for his photos, and was obviously convinced that he was looking his absolute best. The reporter took a few more photos of him with the school in the background, then uploaded them straight to the internet for all to see. Mister Sewage gave a short speech to the reporter about everything he was going to ban, then went back inside the school to admire the photographs of himself on his computer.

 

As soon as Mister Sewage was inside, David and Brian quickly picked up the school bag containing the bees and ran as fast as possible into the school towards his office. They hid behind some curtains outside the office door and waited.

 

Brian’s bees were now very angry at being shut in the lunchbox and were also getting hungry. They were so keen to get out, that Brian could feel them bouncing around inside the lunchbox. The bee’s buzzing was now so loud that the lunchbox was actually vibrating.

 

“I hope Mister Sewage downloads his photos soon” said Naughty Brian as he was now starting to worry about his bees.

 

Naughty Brian really cares for his bees, and although he has thousands of them, he has different names for each one!

Then suddenly they heard a loud scream coming from Mister Sewage’s office.

 

“AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH, MY HAIR” screamed Mister Sewage who had obviously just seen his new photographs.

 

He ran out of his office with a bright red face and spotted David and Brian peeping out from behind the curtains. He charged towards them, obviously suspecting they were somehow responsible for his huge embarrassment.

 

“RELEASE THE BEES NOW!” shouted David.

 

Brian pulled the top off the lunchbox just as Mister Sewage was about to grab them.

The bees exploded out of the lunchbox, and immediately smelt the irresistible potion of nectar and honey on the headmaster’s hair!

They flew straight towards Mister Sewage and buzzed furiously around his head. Some of the bees actually landed on his head and started eating the tasty honey and nectar.

Mister Sewage’s face went an even brighter shade of red and he ran off down the corridor in a cloud of hungry and angry bees, waving his arms in all directions.

 

He ran out into the playground where everybody was still assembled, including the newspaper reporter who took some more pictures of the new headmaster running through the playground, being chased by a swarm of bees. The sneaky reporter decided to use these new pictures for the front cover of this week’s ‘Bottomhamsted Times’.

David and Naughty Brian followed Mister Sewage round to the school pond and watched him jump in with a huge splash. The bees suddenly lost interest in his hair as it was now wet, and flew back into Naughty Brian’s school bag. He pulled a jar of pure nectar from his pocket and fed it to his bees as a reward.

 

Now the bees had gone, the bedraggled Mister Sewage climbed back out of the pond. He was absolutely fuming and stream was definitely coming out of his ears, but instead of taking his anger out on the two boys, he just walked slowly out of the school gates and was never heard of again.

 

 

 

YAWNING ROY

World’s longest yawn

The next day in class everybody was talking about how glad they were that Mister Sewage had mysteriously disappeared, when David heard a commotion outside in the playground. A football had been kicked into a small gated area and the boy who was trying to retrieve it, had been locked in by a group of bullies. Earlier in the week, these bullies had dismantled an unpopular teacher’s car and were now throwing the car parts at the trapped boy. Wheels, bumpers, seats, and an engine where all used as missiles and thrown at the poor boy. David saw what was happening through his classroom window and decided to help out. He ran outside, lay down in the middle of the playground and shouted “PILE ON!!” as loud as he could. The bullies immediately stopped throwing missiles and started running towards David.

Before the bullies could reach him, David jumped up and ran as fast as he could back to the classroom and hid under a desk. After only a few minutes of hiding, he dared to take a peek though the window. It seemed he had managed to foil the bullies as he watched them searching all over the playground for a fallen boy.

Mrs Wigglit was unimpressed by David, running out of the classroom. As a punishment started talking about an extremely boring and permanently yawning Possum Road resident called Roy.

“Roy is so bored that he can never be bothered to get changed, so always wears the same jumper. It’s grey with the words ‘I AM BORING’ written across it. He hopes with this jumper to attract an equally boring mate. It is said, that he is a direct descendant of the original Bottomhamsted settlers. Although no methane explosions have been reported in Bottomhamsted for many years, to be safe he drives a convertible car with the roof always down, and his house windows are permanently left open. Roy holds the record for the world’s longest yawn. The official duration of this yawn is ten years, but as he is continuously yawning, the record is broken every day”.

David thought that Roy sounded pretty boring but that he would probably visit him soon.

Back at home later that day, David became aware of a continuous noise, which could be heard coming from the house next door. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner, but as it never stopped this was unlikely. It could be a muffled jet engine, thought David but people don’t usually have jet engines in their houses. Although, David once had an eccentric friend who used a rocket engine to power his high performance toaster. David decided this noise needed investigating so went to visit his next door neighbour the very next day.

The house next door was definitely the most boring house in the street. It had been painted with very dull grey paint and had dreary grey curtains. Strangely, all the windows were open but the front door was closed. There was no doorbell, so David knocked on the boring grey door. He could hear the strange noise growing louder as somebody came to the door. The door swung open to reveal David’s yawning next door neighbour who was wearing a jumper with ‘I AM BORING’ written across it. David immediately realised what the source of the noise was – a ridiculously long yawn. He also realised that this must be Roy.

“Good day, I am your new neighbour” said David.

“Welcome to Possum Road, come in and have one of my famous cups of boring grey weak tea” yawned Roy.

David could not refuse such a generous offer and stepped enthusiastically inside the grey house. Whilst drinking the tedious tea, Roy amazed David with stories of the days when he used to have a hit single. The song was just one continuous yawn but was extremely popular and a surprise Christmas number one. This great musical success had made Roy very popular with the ladies and he often had to fend off autograph hunters when he was out and about. Roy also made David very worried with tales about how his ancestors were the original Bottomhamsted settlers, who had suffered from the much feared extreme flatulence condition. Despite continuously yawning, Roy tried to explain that the ‘wind’ condition is hereditary and that he keeps all his house windows open and drives a convertible car as precaution against explosions.

Convertible car:

A car with a removable roof, allowing ugly people to see your beautiful face.

If you drive too fast, your beautiful face will be covered in sludge and grit.

 

Roy was very keen to demonstrate how much fresh air was available in his car so suggested he take David for a quick spin!

David was more than a little nervous about accepting another ride in one of his neighbors’ vehicles as this always seemed to result in some kind of accident, but decided that yawning Roy was probably a slow and safe driver. They jumped in the convertible sports car, put the roof down and cruised slowly and safely out of Possum Road. After spending some time enjoying a safe and pleasant drive around the village, they had the extreme misfortune of driving past a large pack of hysterical ‘Fluffy Females’ who were on a hunt for autographs.

Fluffy Females:

Non-serious females who only wear pink items. All other colours are considered to be for males or serious ladies.

When Fluffy Females locate Roy, there can be serious consequences. In the past, Roy has suffered from temporary deafness caused by unbearable shrieking and hysterical screaming down his ear-hole. He has also been in hospital with broken ribs when he was once overwhelmed by an extra large and heavy pink stampede.

As soon as the Fluffy Females heard Roy’s famous yawning, they immediately started screaming and charged straight towards the car. Sadly, Roy and David were stuck in a traffic queue and found there was no escape from the approaching pink hoard. They tried desperately to find a way of getting past the queue of cars but it was no use, they were completely stuck. It seemed that they had no choice other than to risk putting the car’s roof back up and hope for the best.

“BLIMEY, are you sure that’s a good idea?” shouted David, fearing this might result in a gas fire.

But Roy was now starting to panic so he quickly put the roof up and closed the windows without thinking.

They both waited nervously inside the car, and could hear the screaming getting louder as the stampede descended on them. The car was shaken from side to side as the Fluffy Females tried to force the doors open. Luckily, the door locks had already been strengthened following a similar incident last year, so they weren’t able to force their way in.

The frustrated ladies then climbed onto the car’s roof and started bouncing up and down, causing much damage and disturbance. Something then happened which David had been afraid of.

All this great excitement triggered an episode of Roy’s much feared hereditary condition, and a cloud of explosive gas started to build up inside the car! David and Roy held their breath, and prayed there would be no sparks, which might cause an explosion.

The fluffy females became even more frustrated about not getting Roy’s autograph, so they picked up the car carried it off down the street. They were planning to take the car to a local building-site where they might find some tools to force Roy’s door open with!

Then finally Roy’s luck changed. The ghost of Max Potato was coincidentally charging around the streets in his badly damaged ghost-car hoping to cause some mischief, when he noticed David and Roy being carried away in their car. Max swiftly produced a large number of haunted feather dusters and started swishing them around the hyper-ticklish ladies. Fluffy Females are considerably more ticklish than average, so they started giggling uncontrollably and dropped Roy’s car back onto the road. This at first seemed like an excellent result, but the impact of the car crashing to the ground created a shower of sparks which ignited the methane.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM

A small but harmless explosion followed which blew the car’s roof off, leaving Roy completely exposed to the fanatical ladies!

Then an incredible thing happened. The shock of the explosion actually caused Roy to stop yawning for the first time in his life. The pink screaming ladies were so horrified by the sudden end of the yawning, that they actually stopped screaming. They then turned around and walked slowly away from Roy’s car, looking sad and slightly less pink. David could not believe what had just happened but it turns out that the ladies were only interested in Roy’s fantastic yawning. When he stopped, they just lost interest and immediately went hunting for other musical sensations.

“Thanks Max!!” yelled Roy, enjoying his new yawn-free voice. Then Roy looked at his car and saw the damage, which had been caused by the ladies and the explosion. Before Roy became too upset, David started talking about the Main Event at the Village Fair, and Roy looked much happier again. Despite the explosion, Roy managed to get the car started and was still able to drive it. On the way back to Possum Road, David decided he still wanted to meet the rest of his new neighbours, but definitely would not be accepting any more rides in their dangerous cars.

DOG MAD JESS

Most dogs squeezed into a car.

Standing in the playground the next morning, David was stunning his new school friends with stories of endless yawns and exploding cars. As nobody believed David’s unlikely stories, he suggested they come to the Bottomhamsted Main Event to see all the nutty neighbours in action.

It had been raining heavily that morning, so most people had brought umbrellas with dangerous looking pointy bits. Now that the rain had stopped and the umbrellas were down, it appeared that everybody in the playground was brandishing a weapon. Within a few moments a very large boy shouted “Brolly Battle” and the whole playground erupted into one mass brolly fight. David watched as all the boys in the school started chasing each other around and waving their umbrellas in the air. This was the first brolly fight that David had seen and it took him a few minutes to work out the rules. It seemed the aim was to find somebody who was smaller than yourself and smash your umbrella over his head. David soon found a smaller boy and whacked him over the head, destroying his umbrella in the process. After only a few minutes the fight was over as all the umbrellas in the school were destroyed. David later discovered that the inventor of this great game was the large boy who had shouted “Brolly Battle” and that his family also owned the Bottomhamsted Umbrella Shop.

Back in class, Mrs Wigglit announced the subject of the day which was ‘Jess the dog maniac’, who she started to describe.

 

“Jess is Possum Road’s resident hound enthusiast, who is famous for the number of dogs she can fit into one car. I once tried to count the number of dogs in her car, but not being a maths teacher, I gave up after becoming overwhelmed by sheer mathematical calculations. It should come as no surprise that Jess actually holds the world record for how many dogs can be squeezed into one car. Incredibly, fifty medium sized dogs managed to fit comfortably in her medium sized hatchback. Many people doubt her ability to achieve this, so she now always travels everywhere with fifty dogs on board. This clearly displays her great space saving skills to any non believers and suspicious types”.

 

David had often heard a tremendous barking sound coming from the other side of the street, and now he knew that the terrible noise came from ‘Dog Mad Jess’. After hearing the stories about their clever tricks and their ability to defy the laws of physics from Mrs Wigglit, he decided he must introduce himself to Jess and her incredible dogs as soon as possible.

Law of physics: (or fizzics).

When lemonade if shaken up, it gets very fizzy.

This demonstrates the law of fizzics.

That very same day he dashed stridently over towards the dog house. Jess’ house looked very similar to the other small houses in the street but somehow resembled the shape of a bone. The front gate had bone shapes carved into it and so did the front door. Of course, the door bell played an appropriate dog themed tune.

“All pretty normal for a dog enthusiast so far” mumbled David to himself.

A human face then appeared at the window surrounded by about fifty dog noses. The human face smiled, but the dog noses erupted into an avalanche of barking. The front door visibly vibrated as the dogs bounced off it and David decided this might be one of those dangerous situations which he was meant to avoid. He was about to turn round and go home when the door opened, and he was instantly surrounded by very bouncy but very friendly hounds. They were jumping up at him, licking his face, sniffing his shoes and generally barging into him from all sides. As the dogs turned out to be so friendly, he decided to stay and introduce himself.

“Good Afternoon Jess and good afternoon dogs. My name is David, your new neighbour”.

“Nice to meet you David”, exclaimed Jess and invited him into the dog house for some water and dog biscuits.

Jess explained how all her dogs were perfectly trained to sit, lie down, play dead and even do their business just with a simple command.

“Impressive” he thought.

David then noticed that one of the dogs had back wheels. This dog’s name was Wheelie and he was born with rubbish back legs, so was fitted with some super fast wheels. He started off with stabilisers as a puppy, he then progressed onto some ‘small dog’ wheels. Now that he was fully grown, he was fitted with a pair of lightweight racing wheels with 21 gears for speed and mountain climbing. Wheelie was now of course able to outperform all other dogs during high speed cornering but was not much good at slowing down. Wheelie was actually a very intelligent dog and held a world record. He was the only dog in the world who had managed to create his own email account, [email protected].

Jess then noticed they had eaten all the dog biscuits so asked David if he’d like to accompany her to the pet shop to get some more supplies. David really didn’t want to go out in one of the neighbours dangerous cars again, but was more than pleased to have an opportunity to go on a nice peaceful dog walk.

Dog leads were not required with these well trained dogs, so they just stuffed their pockets with poo bags and headed outside. To get to the pet shop they needed to cut across the Bottomhamsted Village Park which was right next to a perfectly manicured bowling green, where a group of elderly respectable citizens were enjoying a tranquil game of bowls. They were all smartly dressed in beige trousers and light yellow blazers. It was a calm and peaceful scene and it seemed that nothing could possibly disturb this pleasant setting. Unfortunately, one of these blazer wearing bowlers was from the northern hemisphere and naturally kept ferrets in his trousers. When the trouser-ferrets heard the sound of a pack of dogs walking past, they went into a panic, scampered down his trouser legs and ran out across the smooth bowling green.

Trouser Ferret:

A warm blooded furry animal which people in the northern hemisphere keep down their trousers for warmth. In the southern hemisphere, people stay cool by keeping cold-blooded reptiles within their shorts.

The dogs spotted the crazy ferrets on the bowling green, pricked up their ears and all started barking. They then decided to ignore all Jess’ commands and started running over towards the trouser ferrets, which were now scampering as fast as possible in circles around the bowling green. This caused the good people of Bottomhamsted to shake their heads with disapproval and start muttering to each-other.

 

Coincidentally, the ‘ever mischievous’ ghost of Max Potato was walking past the village green at the same time, and he could not believe his luck when he spotted this splendid opportunity for a bit of mischief. Max was well aware of Jess’ dog commands, so shouted the secret ‘dog pooing’ command, just as the dogs had reached the bowling green. The elderly smart people covered their eyes, as fifty hounds suddenly ignored the ferrets and started synchronised pooing in the middle of their perfectly maintained bowling green.

After some minutes, the bowlers opened their eyes again to be confronted by fifty piles of dog poo on their bowling green. Before Jess and David could get the poo bags out of their pockets to clean up the mess, the ferrets started to run ‘round and round’ and ‘in and out’ of the poo-piles and were immediately chased by the pack of hounds.

Of course, this resulted in absolute and total chaos. The manicured bowling green was ripped up by the scrabbling and wheeling animals, and the fresh poo started flying around in all directions. Wheelies wheels were causing poo to fly high up in the air and rain down on unsuspecting Bottomhamsted residents. One honorable gentleman who was visiting the area, received a direct splat in the face. A noble lady’s fine fur coat was also splattered in poo. An unlucky passing policeman was sprayed from head to toe with excrement and an unfortunate wedding procession was showered with brown slime.

Then suddenly, the trouser ferrets retreated back up their owner’s trousers to safety, carrying much poo with them.

Max Potato found this all highly hilarious and ran off laughing, leaving David and Jess surrounded by very smelly and angry people. Fearing a riot, Jess called the dogs and they all started running and wheeling as fast as possible back to Possum Road. Luckily the poo covered pursuers were slowed down so much by the mucky dog slime that they could not catch them. Unluckily, Wheelie was now wheeling so fast that he was unable to stop when they arrived back at the house.

 

“Stop Wheelie!!” shouted David, but it was too late.

 

Wheelie tried desperately to stop but crashed head first into Jess’ parked car causing many dents and scratches, but luckily he was OK. After a moment’s pause to pick up Wheelie, they all piled into Jess’ house, locked the door behind them and peered out of the window to see if any upset residents had been able to follow them. Only one splattered and upset person went charging past the house, waving their arms around and shouting “I hate dogs!!” but after that there was calm in the street again.

 

Jess decided to wait a couple of days for the dust to settle, and then go and apologise to the disgruntled bowling club members. David decided he would also apologise to the bowlers and made a note to himself to buy them a few packets of grass seeds.

Before leaving, he mentioned that Jess’ dented car might now be eligible for the Bottomhamsted Main Event. He said good-bye to Jess and her dogs, then ran back to his house before anybody saw him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SUNITA THE SPACE GIRL

 

Most Silver Girl in the World.

 

 

The following school day was unusual because all was peaceful in the playground and nobody’s life was in danger, so David decided to go straight into class. Walking through the corridor on the way to the classroom, he noticed for the first time a small enclosed area hidden behind a door which was full of boys who were all singing.

“What’s that?” David asked a passing teacher.

 

“That’s the friendly singing hole, go and join them” the teacher replied.

All the boys were singing different songs and none of them were in tune, but it looked like a lot of fun. David entered the small area, squeezed himself among the other singing boys and started singing a cheesy 1970’s disco number. The friendly singing hole seemed to be a really nice place to hang out, until without warning it suddenly turned into an unfriendly singing hole. The friendly boys all grabbed hold of their noses and started barging David around! After ten minutes of tuneless noise and being barged about, he made an exit and went into class. David didn’t know quite what to make of this hole but decided he should spend some time there singing every day. David entered the classroom and it immediately became clear why the singers had behaved so strangely, as David’s classmates also grabbed their noses and started moaning about a foul smell of dog poo. David apologised for the stink, and explained about his adventures with the pack of hounds and how it had turned into a poo frenzy.

 

That morning, there were mutterings and rumors circulating around the class that a Possum Road resident called Sunita was actually a real life space girl.

The rumors came from a strange boy called Dwain, who claimed to have seen her take off in some kind of space ship and head towards distant galaxies. As further proof that she was a space girl, he also claimed to have looked through the window of her house and had seen her watching films about aliens on television. When David heard this, he decided that Sunita was perhaps the most interesting person in Possum Road. With a huge burst of new enthusiasm, he flew round to her house as soon as the school bell went.

 

Sunita’s front door was a kind of metallic silver in colour, soft to the touch but somehow also strong. As there was no doorbell, David knocked on this unusual material, but there was no sound at all. He knocked harder, but still no sound. “Odd” mumbled David, and started to bang on the weird silver door as hard as possible. Although this still made no sound whatsoever, the door opened and Sunita the space girl appeared asking why he was making so much noise. David later discovered that the door was made of an alien noise diverting material, which only makes a sound on the other side when you knock on it. Sunita was dressed in a kind of space suit, which also appeared to be made from the same silver material that the door was made from. Slightly embarrassed, David made his usual introduction and was invited inside for some silver tea. David tried to make interesting and amusing conversation, but Sunita didn’t really say much as she was totally engrossed in a small sliver device with a screen.

 

“What game are you playing?” asked David.

 

“It’s not a game, I have just discovered the Earth’s duplex planet, but unfortunately it’s one thousand light years away” she replied.

 

Sunita had been searching for Earth’s duplex planet for some years and had just found it on her new Sat-Nav system. This latest model had an advanced setting which included maps of distant galaxies and unimaginable universes.

 

Duplex Planet:

 

It is said that each planet has an exact duplicate somewhere in space. An idiot with an enormous telescope could observe himself on the duplex planet, behaving idiotically and getting on everyone’s nerves.

 

“Let’s go!!” she shouted, assuming David was coming with her.

 

“But it’s one thousand light years away and I’m having my haircut at 5pm” said David trying not to look worried.

His hair was actually getting a bit long, and the thought of it growing any longer filled him with terror. Sunita assured David they would be back in plenty of time, so they set off towards her anonymous looking car which was parked in the street. David then reminded himself about his promise to never to accept a lift in one of his neighbour’s dangerous cars again. Then he remembered that he was actually fearless and climbed in. Sunita started the engine, and they drove off down Possum Road for another great adventure.

 

David assumed that they were driving to a special futuristic rocket launch pad and was amazed when Sunita explained that the anonymous looking car actually was the space rocket. David thought that Sunita must be a bit bonkers and that her space story was just a load of twaddle, when she suddenly pressed a triangular button on the dashboard which looked like the switch for the hazard warning lights.

This generated a sound much like a jet engine starting up, only much deeper. David had a good look around the car but certainly could not see anything remotely resembling a jet engine.

 

“What’s that sound?” asked David.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s just the sound of one hundred Plasmatronic Vibrospheres starting up in the boot of the car. They are like jet engines but much more powerful and also tiny” replied Sunita.

 

“As we have a long way to go, we will have to use all of them” she added.

 

They drove out of the village, on to an empty stretch of motorway and without warning or drama, whooshed straight up into the air!

David looked down on Possum Road and could see Lady Orange and a milk-man pointing at the flying anonymous looking vehicle in amazement.

 

The force of the Plasmatronic Vibrospheres pressed David hard into his seat as they continued to shoot up into the sky.

Conscious of his hair appointment, David tried to check the time by looking at his watch, but the force of the engines was so powerful that he ended up punching himself in the face. Within seconds, they were in blackness and total silence as they entered space and blasted past the moon. The view of the stars through the anonymous car’s windscreen was magical and completely breathtaking.

 

“Now we really need to get a move on and step into what’s called ’Ten-Minute-Nano-Particle-Velocity’. It’s something I recently invented which can transport me anywhere in exactly ten minutes” explained Sunita.

She pressed a button marked T.M.N.P.V which resulted in ten very weird minutes. Suddenly the force of acceleration and the sensation of speed ceased, and it seemed as if they had actually come to a stop. Sunita explained that the anonymous space car was now parked in a space bubble, and that the whole universe was moving past them faster than the speed of light. During Nano-Particle-Velocity, the human brain gets very confused and odd things are often visible. This was obviously very much the case as David watched a large pair of false teeth fly past the windscreen, then a toothbrush followed by a mean dentist who was dressed as Elvis. A few seconds later, a herd of frightened cows went mooing by, chased by a grim piano. This was all far too weird for David. He found a bucket on the back seat and put it over his head.

 

“We have arrived!!” shouted Sunita excitedly.

 

David removed the bucket from his head, just as they were coming into land. He could clearly see that this planet looked exactly the same as Earth and that they were about to land on the same stretch of motorway from where they took off, near Bottomhamsted. David checked his watch, they had only been gone half an hour, so there was still some time left before his hair appointment. They landed smoothly and were soon in the ‘other’ flatulent village of Bottomhamsted. They noticed a stranger standing on the pavement, so decided to pull over and ask a few questions.

 

“Hello stranger, we are new around here, can you tell us a few details about this area?” said Sunita.

 

“Welcome to the bottom village of Flatulence-hamsted” he announced.

 

“Factories are made in that teddy-bear over there, and if you are hungry there is a nice possum at the end of Restaurant Road” he continued.

 

David thought the stranger’s local knowledge was absolutely fascinating but that it sounded a bit backward. They moved slowly away from the stranger, fearing he might try to give them further backwards information.

 

“Let’s go to Possum Road and find ourselves” said Sunita.

 

David wasn’t sure if that would be such a good idea. The other David would definitely not be expecting a visit from himself and he might be extremely surprised. Anyway, they drove round to the other David’s house and knocked boldly on the door. The door opened and the other David stood there looking extremely surprised.

“Good afternoon, Other David, I am Real David” said David.

 

“Hello, my name is tea, would you like a cup of David?” said Other David.

 

It was immediately obvious that the inhabitants of this planet were indeed exact duplicates of the people on Earth, apart from the fact they all spoke a kind of backwards gibberish.

Real David decided this was getting very confusing so asked Other David why he was talking such rubbish. This led to a dispute about who was talking rubbish, as both boys thought the other was talking backwards.

An intense disagreement started which led to a punch-up, where Other David bashed Real David on the nose causing it to bleed.

 

“OUCH!” said Real David.

 

Real David wanted to punch Other David back, but was astonished to see that Other David already had exactly the same bleeding nose as himself!

 

“Odd” mumbled Real David.

 

As this was a duplex planet, if Real David became injured, Other David would also have exactly the same injury. When they both realised that what they were actually doing was punching themselves in the face, they decided to stop the fight and call it a draw.

 

All this excitement had caused the Davids to forget about their haircut appointments, and they were running out of time. Other David quickly said good-bye and dashed off to the barbers, but Real David was now getting very worried that he might soon have to suffer long hair!

 

“What can I do Sunita?” he shouted.

 

“Let’s go and visit the other Sunita, she has a Teleport Device which we can set for the hairdressers in the real Bottomhamsted”

she replied.

 

Teleport Device:

A futuristic gadget for moving people around at maximum speed. Much faster than a bus, because it uses science instead of wheels.

 

They ran round to the other Sunita’s house and explained the situation to an extremely surprised Other Sunita. This time they were being very careful not to get into any disagreements or fights. Other Sunita invited David to step into the bathroom where there was a shower, which had been converted into a teleportation unit. David stepped nervously into the shower and waited for something to happen. As there was now only one minute until the appointment, Other Sunita set the co-ordinates directly to the barber’s chair, then suddenly with a flash and a Zap, David disappeared.

 

One minute later David was in the barber’s chair, having his haircut.

 

“Looks like you fell asleep there for a minute” said the barber.

 

David checked his new cool hairstyle in the mirror, paid the barber and headed off to Possum Road to see if Sunita was back yet. As he arrived at her house, he found the door was no longer silver just badly painted wood. He knocked on the wooden door and an old lady answered who had never heard of Sunita! David apologised for disturbing the elderly lady, then he walked slowly back home trying to work out what could have happened.

The next day at school, the rumors about the space girl had stopped and nobody could remember the stories told by the strange boy called Dwain. Even Dwain himself couldn’t remember her. David knew he had not dreamt about his great space adventure, as he still had the bruises which he had given himself during the fight with himself on the Duplex planet.

 

David didn’t understand what had happened that day but was sure that he would see Sunita again one day.

 

 

MR KEN WONG

World’s fastest rickshaw rider.

Following a relaxing but uneventful week-end spent trying to work out what had happened to Sunita, David was back at school again. He was making his way across the playground as usual, when he noticed the bike shed for the first time. David thought he would take a quick look behind the bike shed, as he had heard many stories about bad boys hanging around there. Surely enough, when David looked behind the bike shed, he found a number of scruffy boys who were smoking cigarettes, and generally swaggering around like drunken oafs. David thought it would be best to keep away from these bad boys and go straight to class, but unfortunately he leant on one of the many bikes which were lined up in the shed. Typically, David had leant on a badly parked and extra heavy mountain bike which then toppled over, creating a domino effect. He could not believe that all the bikes in the bike shed then fell over one by one, with an embarrassing crash and a crunch. The scruffy smoking boys were all very offended by this interruption and swaggered over towards David with screwed up faces. David decided he was not actually fearless at that moment and ran as fast as he could into Mrs Wigglits class. He charged into the classroom, sat straight down and asked to hear the next exciting tale.

“At the end of Possum Road is the ever popular Chinese restaurant owned by the wonderful Mr Ken Wong. His popularity comes not only from the fantastic meals which can be experienced at Ken Wong’s, but also because of his Karate skills. Every time there are unwelcome Ninjas sighted in the street, Ken flies through the restaurant door in a flurry of Karate chops shouting ‘Hi Yah’. He then proceeds to Karate chop and Karate kick the Ninjas until they are all lying unconscious in the road. Some unwelcome Ninjas once found themselves lying in the street after an encounter with Ken Wong, when the ‘Bottomhamsted Brewery Brass Band’ came marching and trumpeting along. The group of heavy horn blowing brewers did not notice the pile of chopped Ninjas in the road, and proceeded to trample over them with their ‘brass band’ boots.”

David thought Mr Ken Wong was absolutely the best, and was definitely going to visit him that afternoon.

 

After school David walked to the end of the street and approached the oriental restaurant, with the stories of Ken Wong’s heroic deeds still fresh in his mind. The restaurant wasn’t open so David pulled the heavy gold chain, which rang a large gold bell shaped like a dragon’s head. Instantly, Ken appeared at the door asking how he might be of assistance.

“Good afternoon Mr Ken Wong, I am your new neighbour” said David.

Ken invited David inside to sample some hot curry and joked that he was a master of many martial arts including his two favourites, running and hiding. Unfortunately, there was no rice in the restaurant to go with the curry so David and Ken Wong jumped onto a rickshaw and headed to the local rice plantation. David was sure that a rickshaw would be a nice safe means of transport, and was not worried about the possibility of getting into any dangerous situations. The rickshaw journey started well but as the rickety rickshaw exited Possum Road, Ken noticed an approaching hoard of around 100 Nuisance-Ninjas also riding rickshaws.

Ninjas:

Small but very fast people who are always hiding. They surprise people by suddenly jumping out from behind trees.

They saw Ken and immediately started peddling towards him shouting nasty Ninja warnings. Luckily, as Ken is the world’s fastest rickshaw rider, he could easily pull away from the mass of pursuing Ninjas. They soon arrived at the rice plantation, dived in and hurriedly gathered enough rice to last a whole week. As they jumped back on the Rickshaw, they could see the Ninjas coming round the corner and fast approaching. Ken started peddling as fast as possible, but the heavy rice was slowing him down and the Ninjas were slowly catching up.

“FASTER, FASTER KEN WONG!”

shouted David, but the Ninjas were now close enough to start throwing bananas and walnuts which hit David on his head. This wasn’t particularly painful but was certainly inconvenient. Ken decided he had to take drastic action so made a phone call to his deadly relatives who also ran local restaurants. He explained the situation, and the deadly relatives agreed something must be done. David and Mr Ken Wong arrived back in Possum Road just as the Ninjas had caught up with them.

Ken got off his Rickshaw and quickly turned to face the arriving Ninjas. 100 Ninjas all got off their Rickshaws and started giving Ken evil and menacing stares. Not only did the Ninjas give evil stares but they also started pulling offensive facial expressions, like sticking their chins out and lowering their eyebrows. Mr Ken Wong was extremely offended by their stupid faces and flew straight into a flurry of lightning fast Karate chops, as he propelled himself towards them. Ten Ninjas were immediately chopped but there were many more to deal with. It seemed there would be just too may Ninjas, even for Mr Ken Wong to chop. David decided his fighting skills were limited to fighting his way out of bed in the morning but had the brilliant idea of getting his new friend Studs to help out. He ran over to Stud’s house and found him already standing in his front garden, wondering what all the fuss was about.

“STUDS, COME AND HELP!” shouted David.

Studs’ evil eyes lit up, as he put on his Viking helmet and started charging towards the mass of Kung foolery shouting “Death to all Ninjas”. He immediately grabbed about twenty Ninjas and threw them high up in the sky. The mass kung foolery suddenly stopped as everybody watched the twenty Ninjas flying high in the sky and then come plummeting down to earth. Unfortunately, they all landed on Studs and knocked him out cold. Then, with a loud Hi-Yah, the fighting re-started as suddenly as it had stopped. Studs hadn’t really been much help to Mr Ken Wong who had now chopped about fifty of the nuisance Ninjas but was still struggling with the remaining fifty. Just when it looked as if the Ninjas could win the battle of Possum Road, there was great relief as another large group of Rickshaws came over the horizon and arrived on the scene. Each Rickshaw contained one of Ken’s deadly relatives and a small Chinese dragon. The deadly Wong family members charged at the Ninjas and were soon exchanging chops, kicks and painful Chinese burns. The fifty Chinese Dragons jumped out of the rickshaws and ran around looking as menacing as possible and biting the enemies ankles. David thought the dragons were actually fairly useless and really looked more like sausage dogs wearing masks. The chopping and kicking continued for about an hour, with most of the neighbours now watching. It seemed there could be no end to this battle, when suddenly a huge and vey noisy machine appeared at the end of Possum Road. The machine turned out to be a Threshing Machine which Lucky Stanley had borrowed from the local spud farm. He planned to use it to bring the fighting to an end.

Threshing Machine:

A large frightening farming contraption for mangling and pulverising anything in its way. Can also be used to stop street fighting incidents.

Lucky Stanley’s driving skills were well known throughout the village, and the thought of him driving a threshing machine along Possum Road filled everybody with terror. The Ninjas, the Wong family members, the neighbours and David all started running around hysterically, not knowing which way to turn. Then the Ninjas and the deadly relatives jumped on their Rickshaws and pedaled away as fast as possible. The remaining Neighbours ran into their houses, leaving only Ken, David and the unconscious Studs still in the street. As Stanley is blind, he was not aware that the kung foolery had stopped so he slowly but noisily started to drive the threshing machine along Possum Road.

“STOP” shouted David,

but Stanley couldn’t hear him over the noisy threshing machine which slowly but surely moved towards the unconscious Studs. David and Ken tried desperately to roll Studs out of the way, but as Studs weighs 30 stone, this was not possible. It seemed that Studs was doomed to be sliced and diced into many tiny pieces. Then David had another brilliant idea, he grabbed Ken’s Rickshaw and rolled it in front of the terrifying threshing machine. The metal rickshaw managed to jam in its jaws and the threshing machine ground to a halt just as it was about to mash Studs into a million pieces. Stanley who was sitting on top of the threshing machine was catapulted through the air by the sudden stop.

Most people who find themselves flying high up in the air, would most certainly land on something painful like a hedgehog or a cactus, but of course Stanley landed on some luxury mattresses which were being carried along Possum Road by some passing mattress thieves.

Then Studs woke up and looked at Mr Ken Wong with a knowing stare. Every time that Studs has any kind of accident, he always suspects that Stanley was somehow involved and has to chase him around the village. Mr Ken Wong passed Studs a Chinese frying pan and he chased Stanley down the street. Although Stanley always wears his extra dark sunglasses he will remove them under extreme circumstances, for example, when he is being chased by Studs and needs to get away.

Mr Ken Wong looked sadly at his mangled Rickshaw so David passed him the leaflet advertising the Bottomhamsted Main Event. Mr Ken Wong smiled and gave David a mild Chinese Burn which was a sure sign that he was very happy indeed.

 

 

 

WILLAN WISE

 

World’s wisest man

 

The day before the much anticipated Main Event, David was on his way to school, still thinking about the great time he’d had with Mr Ken Wong and the Ninjas. He arrived at the school, went inside and decided to pay a quick visit to the loo before going to class. As he went down the corridor towards the loos, he heard what sounded like a riot. Apparently, one of the school’s more stupid boys had decided to use one of the toilet cubicles. It is a well known fact that the cubicles in the boys toilets are never to be used for what they were designed for. They can only be used for hiding, smoking or flushing people’s heads down. As soon as word got round the school that somebody was actually using a cubicle, the inevitable riot started. First, about ten boys burst into the toilets and started kicking the cubicle door. Two more boys then turned up with some fireworks, lit them and threw them into the cubicle. Then another boy arrived with an axe he had borrowed from the woodwork department and started to smash the cubicle door down. By this time, the unfortunate boy inside the toilet had finished what he was doing and was starting to get worried. As the door was finally smashed down, the rioting boys charged into the cubicle causing it to actually burst open, sending cubicle door and wall fragments in all directions. All the boys ended up in a pile, but got up and ran out of the toilet as quickly as possible before any teachers arrived on the scene. David decided he would wait until later to use the loo and proceeded to Mrs Wigglit’s class.

He was slightly late and found that Mrs Wigglit had already started describing a man called ‘Willan’ who was the neighbour of the day.

 

“Willan is a very respectable gentleman who is always available to offer sound advice and wise words during any incidents. His advice is so sound and wise, that very stupid and unwise people travel from far and wide just to attend his wiseness seminars. Although Willan is famous for his wisdom, some suspicious people suspect that he hides a secret. Some even say he is the illusive super hero known as Wise-Man, arch enemy of the evil Unwise-Man” explained Mrs Wigglit.

 

David thought that Willan sounded a bit dull and didn’t believe the super-hero stories so decided to visit him tomorrow.

The next day after school he was on his way round to Willan’s house, when he noticed a heroic looking person standing outside Studs’ house. He was wearing a black mask and had a large ‘W’ written across his tight yellow T-shirt. In typical super-hero fashion, he was standing proudly with his arms folded, legs apart and chin in the air. David went to approach the hero, but he suddenly and heroically dashed off up the street with one fist in the air.

 

“Odd” mumbled David as he continued his way to Willan’s house.

He knocked on Willan’s front door and a small lady answered. David gave his usual friendly introduction and asked if Willan was available. The small lady turned out to be Willan’s mum, and explained that he was on an errand but should be back later. David gave the small lady his mobile number and asked if Willan could call him sometime.

On the way back up the street to his house, David noticed a character, who he assumed must be the evil Unwise-Man running down the street towards him. This villain was wearing a black mask and had a “U” written across his loose fitting black T-shirt. His pointy twizzly moustache ensured that nobody would doubt that he was indeed an evil villain with a dastardly plan.

 

Twizzly Moustache:

 

A type of moustache only seen on bounders.

The moustache is black and pointy, allowing the unsavory person to twiddle it, whilst pulling an evil grin at the same time.

 

The villain stopped next to a dirty black van and waited shiftily next to it. David hid behind a bush and watched to see what would happen next, when suddenly a pack of Jess’ dogs came charging and barking down the street. They all stopped to have a wee on David’s bush then ran off up the road and into the butcher’s shop. Seconds later they emerged, dragging hundreds of tasty sausages behind them. They ran straight over to the dodgy looking van, dropped all the tasty sausages on the ground, then scarpered back up the street again. The butcher was still leaning out of his shop, shaking his fist as the villain gathered up the sausages, loaded them into the van and drove off.

Just when David thought that the day couldn’t get any more exciting, the hero arrived on the scene and asked him which way the villain went. David pointed in the direction of the van and the hero sped off in hot pursuit, one fist waving proudly in the air and shouting “Mighty Willan” in a heroic deep voice.

That really was enough excitement for one day thought David, so he emerged from behind the wet bush and walked back to his house, hoping to have a nice rest in front of the telly.

David arrived back home, grabbed some food and switched on the TV. After only a few minutes, his mobile rang. It was Willan, inviting David round for some advice and maybe some counseling. Although David was feeling tired, he always valued sound advice so went straight round. As he entered Willan’s house, he couldn’t help noticing that Willan was tall, very strong and had a prominent jaw. He then noticed a large teddy bear sitting in the corner of the room wearing a super-hero mask. David then also remembered that Wise-Man had shouted “Mighty Willan” earlier in the day, and he slowly started to put two and two together. David shortly came to the startling conclusion, that the rumours about Willan could actually be true! David plucked up some courage and said:

 

“Excuse me Willan, are you the illusive super-hero known as Wise-Man?”

Willan looked flushed and embarrassed but could see there was no fooling David so had to admit to his valiant double life as a super hero. He explained that he was currently trying to foil Unwise-Man’s dastardly plan to distract innocent pedestrians with tasty sausages. While the pedestrians are distracted, Unwise-Man steals their personal belongings and runs away. He managed to steal the tasty sausages from the butchers by hypnotising and brainwashing a pack of dogs which belonged to a neighbour called Jess. David explained that he had witnessed the sausage theft actually take place, so they both decided to team up and try to foil Unwise-Man’s plans together.

 

David and Willan knew they had to act quickly if they wanted to catch Un-Wise Man so Willan quickly changed back into his yellow T-shirt, put on his super-hero mask and they went straight over to Jess’ house to borrow a sniffer dog. They explained to Jess what had happened and how her dogs had been hypnotised, so she flicked her fingers and promptly un-hypnotised them. She then went into her back yard to the sniffer dog enclosure, and chose the one with the very best sniffing nose, called Smelly. David and Willan went straight round to the butcher’s with Smelly, explained what had happened and that they were about to capture the villain who was responsible for stealing the tasty sausages. The butcher donated one more sausage for Smelly the sniffer dog to sniff. Smelly sniffed the sausage, pricked up his ears and immediately started following a sausage scent towards Bottomhamsted village centre. David and Wise-Man followed Smelly with his nose snuffling along the pavement all the way into the centre of the village, where they soon came across a crime in progress. An innocent looking lady was so fascinated by the sight of the tasty sausages that she did not notice the evil villain stealing her watch, purse, handbag, valuable earrings, shoes and fur coat. Before she knew what was happening, Unwise-Man had disappeared with her belongings and the sausages. Wise-Man raised a fist and charged after him shouting “Mighty Willan”. David also raised a heroic fist and followed on behind, shouting “Mighty David”. They chased him through the streets, round a couple of roundabouts, up a tree, and through Mr Ken Wong’s restaurant before the unwise villain was finally apprehended.

 

Roundabouts:

Never-ending circular roads.

If you stray onto one of these roads, keep driving until you run out of petrol. A tow truck will then rescue you.

 

As he was being restrained and questioned, the innocent looking lady who was the victim of the crime, suddenly re-appeared and charged towards them brandishing an antique frying pan. She was not such an innocent old lady after all but was the much-feared gran of Studs, and she wasn’t very happy. She whacked Un-Wise man straight in the face, then proceeded to whack him over the head and on his backside. Luckily a local policeman arrived on the scene and escorted Unwise-Man away before Studs’ gran could cause any further damage.

David started thinking how Wise-Man could be involved in the Bottomhamsted Main Event. He then remembered that all events need a super hero. David then became very excited as he realised that the Bottomhamsted Main Event was taking place tomorrow!!

THE BOTTOMHAMSTED MAIN EVENT.

 

 

Bottomhamsted Banger Race’.

One Million pound prize money’

 

 

Banger Race:

A wild and dangerous race for smashed and bashed vehicles. The aim is to smash and bash the other vehicles out of the way and win the race. This type of racing is only for mad or crazy people.

 

The Bottomhamsted Main Event was held this year to celebrate the momentous discovery of an ancient circular race track, which dates back to the year 1709. This discovery had been made whilst Jess’ dogs were digging for pig bones. Originally, the race track was used by peasants as a pig racing pit, and although it was a few feet below ground level, it would also be ideal for racing modern mean machines. However, the year 1709 did not sit comfortably with some Bottomhamsted residents, as that was the year of the dreadful methane explosion which obliterated many original buildings. A few fearful people were saying that the main event should not take place due to the risk of another blast. It is true that the race track is located at the lowest point in the village, where any methane fog would naturally build up. It is also true that some pockets of ancient methane had been smelt and positively identified by passers by. Despite these alarming facts, nobody seemed to care too much and many visitors were gathering for the start of the banger race, including pupils from David’s school.

David had already made sure that all the Possum Road residents were aware of the race and that their damaged vehicles would qualify for entry, so was expecting a good turn out. Sure enough, the residents had all arrived at the track in their various damaged modes of transport.

As David had informed the residents about this great race, he was given the real privilege of being the Race Manager. His job was to wave the Bottomhamsted village flag to start the race, and also to help Willan keep out any undesirables. He also had to make notes of any cheating which went on.

A large crowd of spectators were now assembled around the track, and were all looking down excitedly at the vehicles parked in the ancient circular pig racing pit below. Willan was in charge of ‘crowd control’ and already had to bring a few of David’s unruly classmates into line.

 

Before long, all of the dented and smashed vehicles were lined up at the start and the various competitors were revving their engines and getting very excited about the race. Mr Ken Wong glanced from his rubbish rickshaw over to Studs and gave him an evil look. Studs replied with a snort, a grunt and a growl from his mangled muscle-car. Roy yawned aggressively inside his crumpled convertible and Jess looked serious but determined behind the wheel of her damaged dog-wagon. Lady Orange’s mashed micro-car and Max’s ghost-car were also lined up and both drivers were looking cool, calm and confident.

Unsurprisingly, Stanley’s bashed blind-car was facing the wrong way, so had to be picked up and turned around by some miserable marshals.

 

Marshals:

Overweight people dressed in bright orange boiler-suits who always hang around race circuits. They are always shouting at thin people and throwing their weight around.

 

 

Just as the pre-race tension was about to boil over, David shouted “BLIMEY, LOOK!!” as a hoard of unruly enemies suddenly came over the horizon towards the race track.

Firstly, a rickshaw ridden by a Ninja arrived and parked next to Ken Wong, prompting some long hard stares. The Ninja pulled an offensive facial expression by lowering his eyebrows and sticking out his chin, just to annoy Ken Wong. Spikes arrived in his muscle-van and pulled up next to Studs, then a milk-float silently joined the starting grid, right next to Lady Orange. The next person to arrive was Unwise-Man in his sausage van who had noticed Wise-Man in the crowd. He naturally gave him an evil grin and twizzled his moustache. Finally a very boring car with no damage at all arrived on the track with an old aged bowling enthusiast at the wheel. The pensioner raised an angry fist towards Jess and mumbled something about a torn up bowling green covered in dog poo.

David wasn’t sure if these uninvited enemies should be allowed in the race, but decided it would be much more entertaining to let them take part.

David waved to his new school friends in the crowd including Naughty Brian, and felt very proud to be holding the village flag.

It was now time for the Bottomhamsted Main Event to start and everybody in the crowd started cheering and making a racket with their Air Horns.

David waved the famous Peg flag around as fast as he could, to signal the start of the race and the contest for the million pounds was on.

The Possum Road residents all got off to an excellent start, leaving the uninvited enemies behind. Wong took an early lead into the first corner as he had cheated by fitting his rickshaw with microscopic propelling thrusters. David made a note of this in his notebook. This of course meant that Wong entered the corner too fast for the rickety rickshaw and he smashed into the ancient wall. Studs was right behind him and narrowly missed running Wong over! Wong got back on his rickshaw and continued to thrust his way around the track, but Studs was now in the lead. Behind Studs was Roy, who’s more nimble convertible car was managing to catch Studs in the corners. On the next corner, he was close enough to nudge Studs’ car in the back bumper so he went for a daring overtaking maneuver.

As Roy was driving with his roof down, Studs reached out of his window with a frying pan and whacked Roy over the head. This caused Roy to lose some speed and concentration so he was overtaken by Jess, who had managed to find surprising power now all the dogs had been removed from her car. In fact Jess’ car was behaving very much like a Greyhound. After a few laps, the enemies had managed to find some extra speed and were now starting to catch up with the Possum Road residents!

Jess noticed that the enemies were gaining and feared for everyone’s safety, so decided to take drastic action.

All her dogs were sitting in the grandstand among the spectators and were listening out for any of Jess’ special commands. Jess gave one of her extra special commands, and all the dogs jumped up from their seats, leaped over the fence and started running round the track among the racing vehicles.

First, they hunted down Unwise-Man’s van and jumped through the open window. The dogs started licking his face and nibbling his ears, forcing him to stop driving. He jumped out of his van and ran off to the bathroom to wash all the dog slobber off his face.

 

“Hooorrraaayyy” roared the crowd.

 

Then they caught up with the unwelcome Ninja and started biting his rickshaw’s tyres. The chewed tyres suddenly burst, causing the rickshaw to wobble all over the track and come to a grinding halt.

 

“YeeeeeHaaaaaa” the crowd added.

 

The dogs then closed in on the grumpy bowler and growled menacingly at him. Their growling was enough to convince him to stop racing, and return sheepishly back to the old people’s home.

 

“Woooooooooofff” the crowd continued.

 

Spikes would be the biggest challenge for the dogs, as he was not scared of anything, but they somehow managed to catch up with his monstrous muscle-van and jump in the back. To everybody’s surprise, Spikes suddenly started sneezing uncontrollably. In fact, he sneezed so much that he couldn’t control his muscle-van and had to retire from the race. Spikes was very angry about discovering that he was allergic to dog hairs, so added dogs to his ‘Most Hated’ list.

 

“SUPERB!!!!” was the final comment from the crowd.

 

Of course, the milk-man in his ridiculous milk-float was so slow that he had already given up and gone home.

 

Now that all the uninvited enemies had been eliminated from the race, Jess’ dogs jumped back over the fence and continued watching the race from their seats.

Max Potato was starting to get a bit frustrated as he was able to lap the circuit much faster than the others in his ghost-car, and it appeared that he had actually won the race several times already. Sadly for Max, nobody noticed his achievement and his record breaking lap times were just ignored.

This is one of the problems faced by ghosts in general. People only seem to notice the bad things that ghosts do, but their heroic deeds and great achievements go un-rewarded.

Stanley still somehow managed to go round the track the wrong way despite the marshals lining him up correctly at the start. This was very hazardous for the other drivers who had to swerve round Stanley on every lap.

On the other side of the track, Wong suddenly lost control of his rickshaw as one of his thrusters malfunctioned. He swerved all over the track, narrowly missing all the other competitors but he ran straight into the on-coming Stanley! Wong was thrown from his rickshaw saddle, straight onto the bonnet of Stanley’s blind-car. Thankfully, due to the many jumbo-sponges and soft rubber bumpers which cover Stanley’s car, Wong suffered no injuries at all and he actually said he felt much better following the accident and that his long standing back pain had been miraculously cured.

 

Unfortunately, Lady Orange was running in last place, as she would feel guilty if she overtook anybody. She was so kind and generous that she simply waved her rivals by with a cheery grin.

Roy was starting to re-gain confidence and his cornering speed was now becoming very impressive. As the track is mostly circular, he was beginning to gain on the two leaders, Studs and Jess. With another daring overtaking attempt, he managed to squeeze past Jess’ Greyhound car and moved up to second place. Studs was now directly in front of him, and was leaning out of the window making threatening gestures with his frying pan. Undeterred, Roy managed to surprise Studs and overtook him whilst ducking down to avoid contact with the deadly frying pan.

Roy was so surprised to be leading the race, that he made the mistake of relaxing and started to dream about the prize money.

This daydreaming caused Roy to slow down so much that Studs rammed his car violently from behind, pushing Roy so hard into the wall that he smashed straight through it! The impact was so devastating that Roy’s car actually punched a large hole right through the ancient wall and into an undiscovered network of underground caverns.

Fortunately, Roy wasn’t hurt in the accident but unfortunately, the sparks from the impact ignited some trapped methane which had been lurking within the caverns for hundreds of years. This then started a chain reaction of unbelievable explosions.

 

The network of underground tunnels ran directly under the village, so many dramatic and explosive events started to unfold. The first explosion was small but went off directly under some spectators, sending worms, and insects up people’s trouser legs. This caused the spectators to dance around and shake their legs, attempting to eject the creepy crawlies. First they would hop around on one leg and frantically shake the other leg, then they would swap legs and continue shaking and hopping around. Some spectators on the other side of the track noticed this manic movement, and as there was also music playing, mistakenly thought it was a new kind of festival dance. Soon several groups of people were hopping and shaking their legs, obviously really enjoying the new dance routine. The next explosion was a large one and took place directly beneath the local cesspit. This caused an enormous amount of sewage to be blasted into the air and rain down on the Bottomhamsted picnic area which was currently occupied by the local cake decorating society. The ladies of the society were not amused when their cakes were suddenly decorated with the contents of a cesspit, and they all decided to immediately write angry letters to their local MP. Despite the ladies definite disapproval of the sewage shower, there were reports of these cakes actually tasting pretty good and selling well on the society’s web site.

Normally such a series of explosions would create much unhappiness and inconvenience, but today was obviously a lucky day as each explosion created mostly happiness and convenience.

For example, a stray cow which was about to fall down an Oz Hole, was saved when a manhole cover which had been blasted into the air, landed directly in front of it, covering the open Oz Hole and enabling the lost cow to walk across unharmed.

A small but secure garden shed which had been blasted into the air from somebody’s allotment, landed directly on top of a group of escaped dastardly criminals, securing them behind bars where they belong.

Also, a woman with a terrible cold and a very runny nose was showered with soft tissues and cough sweets from an exploding pharmacy.

 

Pharmacy:

A chemist for farmers. They have special nurses who can handle angry farmers and understand strong country accents.

 

The final explosion of the day happened directly behind Lady Orange’s car which was running in last place. The blast catapulted her several times around the track, overtaking all the remaining competitors including a furious Studs, and straight into first position. Lady Orange was terribly shocked to be suddenly leading the race and desperately tried to slow down and let her competitors overtake her again. The blast from the final explosion had given her so much speed that she just shot across the finish line, winning the race and the million pound prize money!!

The crowd erupted and fireworks flew through the air as everybody started celebrating.

Lady Orange was extremely embarrassed about winning the race and went very red as she accepted the peg shaped trophy and the prize money.

Luckily for all the Possum Road residents, as Lady Orange is so generous, she decided to spend the prize money on new vehicles for all her unfortunate neighbours. She even offered to pay for Max’ ghost-car to be repaired at the local haunted garage. The Possum Road neighbours were so happy, that they picked up Lady Orange and carried her around for the rest of the day. They also promised to drink more orange juice in future.

 

As David was the Race Manager, he had organised a party for all the competitors to celebrate the end of the Bottomhamsted Main Event and also to thank Lady Orange for her great generosity. The party went on late into the night and everybody danced to the very latest dance craze which had just been named

‘Worms and Insects up Your Trousers’.

 

Just when David thought the day couldn’t get any better. ‘ZAP’ Sunita the Space Girl arrived.

“Sorry I didn’t see you again, I went to visit my Auntie in Spacehamsted which is in a different time zone, then I was erased from history” she hurriedly explained.

 

David was totally cock-a-hoop to see Sunita again, and was so happy to be living in the flatulent village of Bottomhamsted.

 

Cock-a-hoop:

A very cheery mood. A frame of mind experienced by fearless and endlessly jolly people. Not to be confused with ‘Hoop-a-Cock’ which is a game involving hoops and a chicken.

 

 

 

 

 

The End!

 

 


The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road

David’s life has so far been fairly uneventful, but this is all about to dramatically change now he has moved into the flatulent village of Bottomhamsted. The village is commonly known as ‘flatulent’ because the original inhabitants suffered from a hereditary condition, which caused excessive and embarrassing wind. This leads to one or two small explosions, and a few larger ones during the ‘Main Event’ at the end of the story. David’s new school is extremely boisterous and every morning before entering class, he becomes involved in some kind of daft incident. One such morning, David witnesses a prank where a small shark gobbles up the headmaster’s prized goldfish, causing him to resign. Unfortunately, the disgruntled headmaster is replaced by the terrible Mr Sewage. As David is new to the area, his teacher Mrs Wigglit begins each day with a fascinating fact about Bottomhamsted, and the Possum Road residents. Her stories are so incredible that David tries to visit each one of his neighbours after school, often with disastrous results. During David’s visits, the Nutty Neighbour’s various vehicles always seem to end up being bashed, smashed or trashed. Fortunately, all damaged cars qualify for the Bottomhamsted Main Event. The Main Event is a ‘Banger Race’, which is held at an ancient racetrack, originally used by peasants for pig racing. Most of the Nutty Neighbours turn up for the race in their ‘smashed and bashed’ modes of transport. A few uninvited enemies also arrive, but Jess and her highly trained pack of hounds swiftly eliminate them from the competition. There are many humorous bumps and scrapes during the race, including an incident where a maniac called Studs smashes into Yawning Roy’s car. The violent impact pushes Roy’s car right through an ancient wall and into an undiscovered network of underground caverns. The sparks from the impact ignite some pockets of trapped methane, which have been lurking within the caverns for hundreds of years, starting a chain reaction of incredible explosions! The final explosion results in Lady Orange’s car being blasted into the lead, and across the finish line to win the race. As Lady Orange is unbelievably kind and generous, she donates the prize money to repairing all her neighbour’s damaged vehicles. (Including Max Potato’s unbelievable Ghost-Car).

  • Author: Iron Geoffrey
  • Published: 2015-12-29 17:05:14
  • Words: 24100
The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road