Journal of a
Rebel Earth Angel
Published by S.T. Alvyn at Shakespir.
Copyright 2016 © S.T. Alvyn. All rights reserved.
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I made the decision to document my lightworking life and duties in these journals as memoirs back in 2013—to chart how my journey was progressing or not. It began as my blog, , but I decided I needed to expand on some issues, and a blog isn’t always the best place to do that. The blog is still active, but here, I write without keywords, censoring, or SEO in mind, and truly from the heart and Soul, complete with the nitty gritty—the things other spiritual writers tend not to share or write about.
Since the spread of the World Wide Web, sharing spiritual experiences has become easier and enabled people of all ages and anywhere in the world to connect. At times this can help when an experience may provide comfort to another, but on the other hand there are sites and forums full of information that can be damaging and confusing to those who are newly awakened on their Spiritual Path. Naturally everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but is it wise to share something that can influence another when there is no validation, and that could cause harm? Psychics do misinterpret things, and people who channel can get things wrong. That’s why even with my beliefs I’m open to listening to others as long as they make logical sense. Here, I can only show you my perspective with my logical reasons and interpretations. I don’t claim to be 100% right, because no one can, and what is right for me may not be so for others.
With the internet, most things have become easier, and others too easy, so much so that people don’t take things seriously because it takes such little effort to do an internet search, then to cut and paste or send a link. Being an Earth Angel there are no shortcuts—even guidebooks can be limited in what they provide, but one maybe guided by what I have written and have experienced as an aspect to consider. There is no self-help or dummies guide, and I assume the premise, if it was meant to be, why would you need it?
A Lightworker is someone who helps Souls in need, and an Earth Angel (a generic term that has been coined) is an Incarnated Angel on the physical realm, who has been asked to aid a Soul, either by an Angel in the Spirit Realm or the Soul’s Guide. I don’t attach much relevance to labels, but healers are Lightworkers, but aren’t necessarily Guides or Earth Angels. Some like myself may have all those abilities, or others may be more skilled in one area over another. For example, some Guides are not healers, but may have some healing abilities.
Awakening is a tough step; then there is the acceptance and figuring out what’s next. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I would be lying. Instead, I am more aware and expect less. Rather than anticipate or look out for signs, I notice them, but I still don’t read too much into them, because I see people that use them as a crutch. Use them as markers and triggers, but not to make decisions—for that you should always use your intuition. Nowadays, I appreciate any respite—that’s not to say I don’t want to help, but everyone needs some me time. As they say choose your battles wisely, and do the same for your missions. I have taken a step back from taking on too many charges, as it has been exhausting, even as a Lightworker, one has to decide to make the best use of their time.
I’ve spent most of 2015 on —a channeled guide (my Higher Self) to what the Soul is and its purpose. In addition to my , blog, I have set up a website for , with a Q&A section to make it more interactive. On our spiritual quests, we all have to start at the beginning, and I hope my work and experience helps others have a less rocky journey.
Reluctant or Rebellious?
Am I just reluctant, as in hesitant because I cannot logically understand the whys and wherefores, or rebellious as I challenge what I have not chosen to do (or recall)? It wasn’t a choice or a conscious one on this plane at least. We may have accepted the vocation of being an Earth Angel before an incarnation, however, until I had recall, the signs were around, but I wasn’t looking for them or able to piece them together. When I did remember, I recall my elaborate intentions. Noble, however, not particularly realistic, especially when you’re a perfectionist and the thought of failure is daunting. I have experienced failure, but rather than see it as that, I see it as the best I could do under the circumstances.
What is the difference? Reluctance is unwilling or hesitant. I’m not unwilling, but I am hesitant as I hadn’t anticipated this way of life—it’s different in so many ways; you find yourself in different company than you would rationally choose, places that you had not planned on going to, and sometimes your life and plans are put on hold in an emergency. In some ways I am rebellious because I question and challenge because I know there is no answer, and I have no control over what is happening. It’s my own way of feeling as if I have some kind of control and to exercise my free will, knowing that Fate will step in anyhow to realign things. Am I making it difficult for myself? Perhaps, but I’m a believer in choices and options. As much as I believe in Destiny, I believe in trying to understand why things happen as they do. I have come to the conclusion there aren’t always answers, because the correct question hasn’t been asked. Often I have asked a question and there has been no answer, or maybe that is my answer—that I don’t need to know, or that it’s something I need to discover alone.
In an act of despair, I did ask why I came back and incarnate, and what purpose was I really serving. I was feeling a failure, being an academic graduate who never had an actual job that used those qualifications. Somehow things always eluded me, no matter how hard I tried to fit into an office or retail job. Later I was shown the answer. It was not what I expected (or my ego did not wish to think so), but it did clarify things, but did my knowing help me? I do feel the Powers That Be reluctantly gave me the answer, because I had stopped ‘living’. Sometimes we do need a reason rather than blind faith, and I had already taken huge leaps of faith and I had run out and was running on empty. Since then another answer or reply came in the form of a major incident—the near death of a parent. While it explained things, did it make my life easier? Understanding why doesn’t make things easier, but you feel less frustrated knowing that there was a reason.
Sometimes a reason isn’t always clear until later in hindsight, and although it may not be a good reason, it may have been a Soul Contract or the rebalancing of some karmic debt. Karma is a whole topic by itself, but we cannot question Karma or control it. We can re-balance our Karma, and learn to avoid adverse Karma by being honest, and modest in our thoughts and actions—to act morally and ethically even if we know we can get away with it, because Karma doesn’t judge (it rebalances an unjust act with a just act one) and sees everything. Still, it doesn’t stop me questioning things. I’ve learned plans don’t always work out, because Fate is more powerful and will intervene. It doesn’t stop me planning, but I see it as a sign when plans get blocked too often to look for another path.
The Higher Self
I remember when I first heard someone talk about the Higher Self, I grinned, but that’s because they made it sound as if it was something unrealistic. It took a while to understand what it actually is and means. I was privileged to sit on a live spiritual art channeling session by a friend; many asked for portraits of their Higher Selves, and as observers we interpreted the portraits. It gave me an insight to other people’s visions because we are so influenced and attached to our own Higher Self, it’s difficult to articulate what the purpose is, whether there is a personality and what control the Soul has over the Higher Self or the Higher Self over the Soul. A small group of us read the Higher Selves of the sitters by using our intuition and interpreting what the portrait was conveying. Some were innocent, others stubborn, but all agreed it was a subconscious part of the sitter. It made me realize what the Higher Self truly is, and that it evolves and is a part of the Soul whether you are conscious of it or not.
Think of a 7 ml bottle of pure perfume and a 100 ml of eau de parfum; you are the eau de parfum and your Higher Self is the pure perfume. It’s part of you, but concentrated and used sparingly and only when necessary. I can only talk about my own experience; my Higher Self is my moral conscience—that nagging voice when you’re considering something questionable, or when you could have made a better choice. Can you hear the Higher Self? Yes, but sometimes you don’t want to because it’s the part you sometimes want to suppress when there is no reason given. That’s when you fight your intuition.
I listen to my Higher Self, but also argue with her too; she has to learn too about the limitations on the physical plane. Think of it as a backup blueprint, where things can be improved upon. My Higher Self can be stubborn, blunt, impatient, and meticulous, and I am a watered down version. Basically, my Higher Self is what I was like as a child, although I have softened over the years and learned to let go of much more now. Occasionally my Higher Self, will step in when I have a lapse in judgment, or a moment when I need a kick or a sharp nudge, and still it’s hard to repress at times when I try to choose not to know something. I was a serious and obstinate child and no one, even myself could understand why. Well, Old Soul children tend to be like that and they can’t help it, but also my Higher Self was the only point of reference I had then. I rarely played or had friends, spending all my time reading and writing. Looking back that was just how my Higher Self is; I knew nothing else back then.
I hear people talking about channeling their Higher Self, even though it’s part of you. It never leaves you, but you can connect with your Higher Self. I thought you had to do something specific to access your Higher Self, but I was listening to others and not to what I knew and my own intuition. That’s why sometimes I don’t read too many books or attend lectures, because I need to discover things for myself in my own way so that I can understand it rather than someone else’s interpretation.
The Higher Self evolves with you, but keeps you in check. Some Sensitives can channel the Higher Self of others—that’s how they read people and can convey messages that can help aid a Soul on their path. The connection to the Higher Self will always exist, but can get disconnected, or the link maybe weak when a Soul is depressed or negative. When a Soul awakens, that is usually when the Higher Self has forged a strong connection. Channeling your Higher Self is listening to your intuition, and hearing and seeing the answers to what your inner self questions. It can come naturally to most people, and many do it subconsciously.
When I do readings I channel (with permission) the Higher Self of the sitter. That’s how you read someone, and know what their goals are, and their issues and fears. I can tell when someone is blocked, or if they haven’t connected to their Higher Self, because the link is weaker. The Higher Self holds all the answers, but you have to be able to hear and listen, and with earthly distractions, sometimes we can’t or choose not to. That’s why meditation is recommended, or to find a quiet place with no distractions. Personally I don’t meditate (music or chanting), but it helps others, whereas I find it easier to channel by relaxing in the bath, or just by closing my eyes and thinking of nothing.
Seeing, Feeling, and Hearing Things!
I rarely tell people when I see and hear things now, but out of pure innocence I have done so, not knowing others could not see or hear what I had. When I moved to Salem, Massachusetts (that’s a book in itself), I innocently remarked to my landlady that 10:20 a.m. on a Monday morning was an unusual time for church bells to ring. She hadn’t heard any bells, despite being outside gardening. I hadn’t been paying much attention and had only been back in Salem for two days when I heard the church bells ring eight or nine times when I was in the bathroom. Each time I heard church bells I would check that she heard them too. Sometimes she did, but there were the times she didn’t. I remember once it was just before midnight and they rang about twenty times, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but it was a sign that things were happening and they did. They were a message just for me.
Naturally most houses in Salem have spirits, in fact most places I go to have them. It’s hard to tell people not to be scared. Friends ask me if their houses are free of bad spirits and often the answer is yes. I’ve only been to a few places where there have been uncomfortable presences—I’m not one to seek them out, but stumble across them. One was a hotel that used to be a Victorian workhouse where mischievous happenings occurred, with knocking on doors or things moving. I only found out as I left, when the receptionist told us stories of noises, and pictures always moving—that’s why they were they were nailed down. Another was a friend’s mansion in Barbados—it was beautiful, but I couldn’t sleep and I was on edge the entire time, with doors and cupboards opening. I later found out it used to be a sugar plantation, but no more. I told my friend we shouldn’t stay any longer—I suspected many died there in slavery. In another incident I visited my friend’s house in South East London, and I stayed one night, but despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. There were voices calling me, and I thought it was my friend needing help, only to find him snoring away in the next room. Each time I visited the house even for a few hours, I would be physically sick, and realized it was too much of a coincidence and kept my distance. Fortunately he moved and his new place was free of bad spirits, and when I stayed I wasn’t sick.
Seeing lights at strange times and everywhere was confusing for me at first. Sometimes I would think it was my imagination, other times there is no other explanation when it’s pitch black, and there are no vehicles outside and you are in the countryside. Usually it is a Guide watching over, or a spirit that wishes to communicate. Earthbound spirits are drawn to Lightworkers whether your switch is on or off. I know some people may marvel and wish for such an experience, but it’s not like the movies where you have a conversation. They are brief glimpses and flashes that move, or suddenly disappear. Some may stay and hover, and that’s when you aren’t sure what you are actually seeing.
I was living in the Berkshires (in the middle of nowhere) when I saw a huge wall of light in the bedroom, it was 2 a.m. and thought it must be car with the headlights on full and ignored it. A couple of hours later the wall of light was still in the middle of the room. There were no cars, the sun hadn’t risen yet, nor were there any other houses nearby. A few hours later, I heard a car drive up, but the headlights only emitted a small stream of light across the wall of light. What was the light trying to tell me or show me? It was my first sleepless night at a spiritual retreat. I think they were open portals, and a message that I had work to do, and there were spirits eager to communicate. I didn’t tell anyone until much later; I was afraid they would think I was crazy. Yes, I doubted and questioned myself whether what I saw was real. It was real (I am a very light sleeper) and that’s the scary part when only you can see it.
Tolerance and Frustration
I’m not the most patient person and get frustrated, although I manage to disguise it fairly well. Finding ways to overcome and repress these feelings is a struggle at times. As much as I attempt to keep my cool and a smile on my face, it’s a tough lesson to master. In my greener days my tolerance levels were practically zero, gradually they have increased through various experiences. Let me say it has been, and still is one of the hardest things for me to personally overcome.
When I travelled around Asia, you had to just wait for the one bus a day, if it was late so be it, and I was just grateful it turned up and pushed my way on with the locals. There was no hotline to call or anyone to complain to and I had to learn to live with it. So how can you be an impatient Earth Angel and cope? Sometimes people need a hard direct approach, and I guess that’s when I get sent in. I think I get given assignments that need a no nonsense approach and a firm hand. Of course I learn something too, but even my patience with The Powers That Be can be strained. Perhaps this is part of my Karma being rebalanced, but even though I yell, “How much more?” in the hope they help me understand why. I would like to think that I have cleared a huge chunk and can take it a little easier, yet I know Karma is never that straightforward.
I do get frustrated at my charges when they lie to me. That’s a sign that I may need to walk away as they are clearly not ready to face what they need to. I don’t get angry with them (or try not to), but if I feel I am not getting anywhere then I must judge whether my being there is of any use at present. I tell them the truth (and many have never had anyone do that before), and some have tested the boundaries of my patience, but it has also taught me that confrontation can work, as long as there is sound logic. I never leave a charge until I feel they are making progress unless their negativity is causing me more harm. I stay in touch, like after care, checking in, but leaving them to find their own path, because I know eventually they will drift away. That’s just how it is and I’ve learned even if things are obvious to me, it’s not to others, because it’s not their time to see what is needed. I used to get frustrated by it, but now I understand why they can’t see it. I still get frustrated by Spirit and myself; sometimes we can’t control things, even though circumstances dictate we should be able to logically. As a result my tolerance levels have increased through apathetic acceptance, and the realization that there is a greater power that controls things, and manifestation powers and the law of attraction are no match for that.
Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to say what you think, however, I’ve had to learn to bite my tongue for so many reasons. Mainly because the other party isn’t ready to hear what I have to say, or it’s information that could cloud the natural course of events. We’ve all been in a position where we have had to hold back on saying what we really think or want to say for sake of political correctness, manners, and not wanting to offend or hurt someone. Despite being as tactful as possible, sometimes it’s better not to say anything. It’s different from being repressed—those living in communist countries, versus those living in democracies that have never witnessed repression, and who would value their liberties more highly and use them wisely if they realized how fortunate they are.
During childhood, we get away with things said out of innocence, but the truth is children see and say what is actually happening. In some ways we deceive ourselves to make life easier, but we all know the truth. It’s down to the individual as to what they wish to see or believe. At least we all have freedom of thought if not speech. Learning when to say something or not is hard, especially when you can see someone heading for a fall. Just because I know something doesn’t mean I have to say something (or gives me the right). I used to think it did, but even when I did, the other party didn’t take heed anyhow. I’d like to think I did my part, but have learned perhaps to hint around a topic, and make alternative suggestions is better, rather than to reveal the actual vision itself, which is usually dramatic.
I advocate free speech; I prefer the truth not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also because I know when people are lying. I often repeat a question waiting for the truth, when the other party has convinced themselves of something else. I am realistic enough to know human nature is not wholly honest, but that isn’t to say it doesn’t have the potential. I have worked with dishonest people, for liars and cheats, and I know I cannot do that any longer. I had to remove myself from the negativity and the conflict within, from accepting the behavior and allowing myself to be party to their actions. While some may tolerate it to make a living, it weighs a person down, and you begin to question your own integrity.
I was recently reminded that sometimes you must stand up for others, regardless of the consequences. I saw a colleague being bullied, and assumed he was coping, and thought it had been addressed as changes had been made. One night he announced he was leaving the next day as he’d had enough; that’s when we realized we, his friends had been afraid to support him, thinking it was not our business. The bully was the daughter of the boss, so there wasn’t much to be done—either put up with it or leave. I then found myself in the same position, and was persuaded by others to tell the boss why I was leaving, so that it could prevent others from having the same experience. I had nothing to lose by then, but whether it helped change things I don’t know, but I learned that holding back when someone is being bullied or victimized is wrong. Some may say it’s none of your business, but should one morally watch someone else being harmed, even when it’s not your place to say so?
I’ve had to hold back too when people feel threatened by the way I look, or my knowledge and experience when it comes to work. Nothing is more soul destroying than not being able to be the authentic you. Not being able to make a suggestion to the boss because they will make life difficult for you, and being unable to be the best you can be is not a good way to grow. Sometimes people don’t want to hear or know the truth, but that doesn’t stop it being true. When you awaken, you see things with a clarity that others cannot; at times it’s frustrating, but what do you do? Put up with it and pretend for their sake, or try to show them what is the truth? Can they handle the truth, or do most people prefer to live in a protected bubble?
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What is life like as an Earth Angel? The maverick Earth Angel reveals the less shiny side of lightworking through her thought provoking tales and experiences. Follow her journey as she balances her lightworking assignments with her own goals; witness the moral dilemmas she faces; the silent joys when things do work out; read her reflections on what she has learned, and how she copes with Karma and her own Guides. In this second volume she shares her thoughts on how humanity and society are evolving, why people are attracted to a Spiritual Path, and what they can expect. Use the book as guide for your own awakening, or read it to get an insight to what life as a Sensitive is really like, without any of the fluffy anecdotes. Be amused, inspired, surprised, empowered, and enlightened even, by her witty frankness and honesty.