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The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, part 3

“The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes”

part 3

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Shakespir Edition

Shakespir Edition
Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a Work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the Work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive Work that comes in 3 parts, all titled “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” parts 1, 2 & 3.


I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 3. -From the M of Modern-Life to the W of Wordplay-

This third and last book contains yet another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content


10001 – 10047 Jokes on: Modern-Life


10048 – 10123 Jokes on: Money


10124 – 10180 Jokes on: Mythical


10181 – 10204 Jokes on: Neighbors


10205 – 10312 Jokes on: One-Liner


10313 – 10510 Jokes on: Puns


10511 – 10538 Jokes on: Work


10539 – 10569 Jokes on: Time


10570 – 10593 Jokes on: Superstitions


10594 – 10599 Jokes on: Statistics


10600 – 10622 Jokes on: Social Networks


10623 – 10660 Jokes on: Shopping


10661 – 10759 Jokes on: Science


10760 – 10937 Jokes on: School


10938 – 11090 Jokes on: Sayings


11091 – 11210 Jokes on: Sarcasm


11211 – 11347 Jokes on: Stupid


11348 – 15000 Jokes on: Wordplay






















I went to the cemetery to look for my name on tombstones. It’s the Goth version of Googling yourself. Modern-Life



“Life is a struggle. Humans are constantly creating technology that is more idiot proof, the universe is constantly creating better idiots. Thus, far the universe is winning.” Modern-Life



Guarantee waking up early by not eating the night before. Modern-Life



I never trust people who smoke… I’m worried they’ll lead me ashtray. Modern-Life



“Today my son taught me some of the math’s he is being taught at School… I think it’s safe to say that I have learnt from my mistakes.” Modern-Life



“A woman would ask, “Does this bag match these shoes?” While a man would ask, “Does my left shoe match my right shoe?” Modern-Life



Behind every good man, there’s a woman, rolling her eyes. Modern-Life



Bring chess into the 21st century by desegregating the black and white pieces sitting in either side. Modern-Life



“Surely this carbon footprint offset malarkey should Work both ways? From now on when I send an email I’m going to scruple a piece of paper up and throw it in the bin. Just doing my bit.” Modern-Life



“I was in an interview and the guy told me he didn’t think I was very ‘employable’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my second can of Special Brew.” Modern-Life



Nothing says “I’m on the minimum wage” like sitting in McDonald’s with a high viz jacket on. Modern-Life



Decided to have Botox on Xmas eve.. that way no one will know how much I hate the presents they’ve bought me Modern-Life



“Just shaved me head, rolled up the Levi’s, zipped up me bomber jacket and laced up me cherry red Dr Martin boots ready for some aggro…. Now Mother says I’m “not allowed out”

SomeTimes I don’t know why I bovver…” Modern-Life



“I decided that I needed to do something to get me out of the house. So I became a tramp.” Modern-Life



Just when I thought turning off my wife’s life support was the hardest thing ever, a new Angry Birds update comes out. Modern-Life



“Having a wife and as of yet, an unborn child. There really is no place like home. Which is why I stay in the pub.” Modern-Life



“My mate said, “We still haven’t decided on a name for the baby yet. These things shouldn’t be rushed.” I said, “I can certainly understand why you don’t want to rush this ‘Englebert’.” Modern-Life



“Can’t wait to tell my girlfriend that despite what she keeps telling me, it turns out I can do more than one thing at a Time. One was blonde and the other a brunette.” Modern-Life



“Cash Converters: The modern-day Robin Hood.” Modern-Life



EveryTime I almost think humanity will be Okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes. Modern-Life



When I see an article that shows a celebrity wearing the same outfit twice, I get furious and blow up a hospital Modern-Life



“Walked past a bin yesterday it said “blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow” It was talking rubbish” Modern-Life



“This begging in the 21st century is getting ridiculous. Kid came up to me today with an electric cigarette & said “Got a spare battery mate?” Modern-Life



“I said to my Girlfriend today “It’s not Halloween anymore, you can take that ugly mask off”.

She replied, “I was never wearing a mask”. I’m single now.” Modern-Life



“And yea verily”, God declared, as was his usual manner of speech. “Unto the shops, the males may descend, as it be the eve of Christmas, to venture forth and purchase vast array of unwanted gifts for their Female spouse.” And descend they did, with the dole burning a hole in their pockets, and this being one of two days where they must spend around 22.99 of it on low end goods, and not Booze and Ciggies. The other of course being Valentine’s Day.” Modern-Life



My closest relationship is with my blackberry… thank god it vibrates Modern-Life



“The wife is away for the evening so it’s Time for me to dig out my ‘special’ DVD collection.

Die Hard and Crocodile Dundee.” Modern-Life



“My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, When I hit her, she stops making noise.” Modern-Life



“I’ve been invited to my mate Kyles wedding this weekend, and as I’m a single bloke, I’m going to be hiring an escort to go with. I can’t wait to see how many bridesmaids I’m gonna pull when I roll up outside the church in it.” Modern-Life



There was never supposed to be a lowercase I in front of the Pod, but Apple couldn’t figure out how to stop autocorrect putting it there. Modern-Life



“I’ve just found out the best way to remember my wedding anniversary. Simply forget it ONCE!” Modern-Life



“After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend’s iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn’t high enough.” Modern-Life



Breaking a car window to steal CDs is the Old-School way to download music. Modern-Life



My wife ran out of baked beans today so we had to make do with alphabetic spaghetti, I said I wouldn’t enjoy it but I had to eat my words. Modern-Life



“I was in the pub late last night, when I said to my mate “I can see it being very frosty in the morning”. “How can you tell that?” he asked. “Simple really” I replied. “I told my wife I would be home hours ago.” Modern-Life



Luton – A place where your labelled posh for being a window cleaner. Modern-Life



“I’ve just moved into a converted pig sty. It was a really nice place before I arrived.” Modern-Life



“What do you call a man that likes savory snacks? Scott Chegg” Modern-Life



I’m going through a drink and drugs nightmare.My dealers gone AWOL and the local off-licence has closed down. Modern-Life



“As I lay there in the road with bits of my body spread all around me, I offered up a silent prayer for death to take me and for the agonizing pain to stop. I couldn’t believe it when I heard a reply;

“Welcome to Heaven” Blissfully, I said, “I’m ready to be taken now. I’ve always been a firm believe, “ “All of our angels are busy helping other customers at the moment. Your death is important to us and is being held in a que. Please wait patiently” Modern-Life



“Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don’t trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann’s an hour ago and have not seen it since” Modern-Life



“Bring back hanging before another tragedy hits home. Get rid of her Timesaving tumble drier and make your woman peg clothes on the washing line.” Modern-Life



“Of course it’s fun Working in a shoe shop. . but behind the glittering, glamorous facade it’s just the same as any other form of slow death.” Modern-Life



“Saw a crying kid in the street, so I asked him what was wrong. He said “I’m lost!” I asked “Do you know your address?” He replied “[email protected]” Modern-Life



They say music is the language of spirits. So, next Time your bank keeps you hanging on the phone, they’re probably taking you for a medium. Modern-Life



“So Apple are yet again moaning that someone has an apple in their logo. So what next? Take Granny Smith to court?” Modern-Life



Putting on ice skates, the closest thing to walking in high heels a man can get. Modern-Life



“Okay, that’ll be 20p,” said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo. “What!?” I shouted. “But it says 10p on the wrapper?” “Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20.” “Fine,” I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash. “Ummm, excuse me sir,” the man slid the coin back across the counter. “You’ve handed me a ten pence piece.” “Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20.” Money



“My bank lets me send a text message and it’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the ‘LOL’ was necessary.” Money



“My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each.” Money



“A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber’s head, knocking him unconscious. “You probably saved my life,” says the grateful Arab. “I am a member of the SaudI Royal Family and I have the power and Money to give you anything you desire as a reward.” The golfer glances at his golf bag. “Some golf clubs would be nice,” he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh’s secretary calls him up. “We’ve got your golf clubs,” she says, “but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools.” Money



"My mate introduced me to a Money-Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout.

It’s called a Job.” Money



“We’re so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas. If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports.” Money



“I tape popcorn to the ceiling. It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm.” Money



“If I had a pound for every Time a homeless person asked me If I had a pound. I’d probably break even.” Money



“America has reached a total national debt of 14.3 Trillion. They only asked Wonga for 200 until the end of the month.” Money



“They say Money is the root of all evil, which is why I’m doing my bit for Africa by not sending any. They’ve got enough problems as it is.” Money



“NatWest have installed the first ever cash machine in a tree in Epping Forest. If it proves successful, they might open them in other branches.” Money



“I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.” Money



“There was a man who had Worked all his life, had saved all of his Money, and was a real miser when it came to his Money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my Money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my Money to the afterlife with me.” And so, he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the Money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a moment!” She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that Money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that Money into the casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that Money in the casket with him?” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque… If he can cash it, then he can spend it.” Money



“My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn’t give me a penny and she’d move out of the country. Little does she know I’ve been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.

That’ll wipe the smile off her fat face” Money



“I’ve got some reliable inside information about Apple’s next product. I won’t be able to afford it.” Money



“A new report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs” Money



“Women only call me ugly until they find out how much Money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.” Money



“A man complains to his wife saying, “We’re so poor we can’t even afford punchlines to our jokes!” And she says” Money



“My mate asked, “What would you do if you had Richard Branson’s Money?” I said, “Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing.” Money



“Do Americanisms lose something and sound less cool when you use them in England?

Well, that’s the 652,848 question.” Money



“If I ever win the lottery, all of my Neighbors are going to be so rich! I’m going to move to a rich neighborhood.” Money



“Math for Dummies!” Ten pounds, or three for thirty-five quid! Money



A beggar asked me for 50P for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.” Money



“My wife says I only married her because her dad left her loads of Money in his will.

She’s wrong. I don’t care where she got all her Money from.” Money



“I’m not a big fan of Formula 1. If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of Money, I’d have become a London cabbie.” Money



“I invested $1000 in some American shares. It made a lot of cents.” Money



France are set to be the latest country to be troubled financially, due to the large payout the referee is set to receive. Money



“My family are really poor. On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.” Money



“I went to see my bank manager and he said that I am going to have to pay interest. I tried, but it was so boring.” Money



“I took my daughter to School today in my clapped-out old Fiesta. Looks like I got lucky and managed to avoid the hazardous off-road terrain the other parents obviously had to cross in their vehicles.” Money



“What music event has an entry fee of 45 cents? 50 Cent Featuring Nickelback.” Money



“I’m one of those people who has the amazing talent of being able to shake my wallet and know exactly how much Money is in it. Because it’s empty.” Money



Typical ITV can’t even afford the rights to the scoreboard and clock for the whole game Money



I always leave the price stickers on the presents I buy from the pound shop to show people how little they mean to me. Money



I think the main reason why homeless people are so poor is because they only ever ask for small change. Money



“I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.”

“OK, with whom though?” “Whoever has a lot of Money.” Money



If we are all god’s children, why hasn’t the CSA chased him for maintenance? Money



“I’ve maxed out at the bank and they keep phoning me, I wish they would just leave me a loan.” Money



“An Apache goes into a bank and asks for a loan of 200 dollars. The bank manager asks for collateral: “I have 150 horses,” says the Apache, so the bank manager lends him the Money.

A month later, the Apache comes into the bank with 2220 dollars in his hand and pays off his debt with interest. “Wouldn’t you prefer to deposit the rest of your Money with us?” asks the bank manager. The Apache looks at him suspiciously, then looks around the bank: “How many horses you got?” Money



Money can’t buy happiness… but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari. Money



“Next is lot number 049 – The statue of liberty. Bidding will start at $8.00” Money



I used to enjoy Working in a bank, but recently I’ve lost interest. Money



“I almost found a fiver on the street this morning. I was 4.99 short.” Money



My bank manager doesn’t give my business ideas the credit they deserve. Money



I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said, “Don’t go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn’t read it yet.” Money



Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you jet skis, and when did you ever see an unhappy jet skier? Money



Benefit claimants – keep yourself warm and save Money during the cold winter months by doing stuff, and moving around a bit. Money



“I owed some Israelis about 200. But now I’ve paid my Jews.” Money



“I saw this girl last night and she looked amazing. An American would say she looked like a million dollars. But being British I thought that she looked like 659,674.12” Money



If I had a pound for every cliché I’ve ever used, I’d be a millionaire by now. Money



“Gold. Worth its weight in gold.” Money



“Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.” Money



“When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers.” Money



“Bankers never die… They just lose interest.” Money



“My wife said “I’m leaving. You know the price of everything but the value of nothing”.

“Take the bus love, it’s cheaper than a taxi.” Money



“A man calls a radio DJ and says, “I’ve found a wallet with 10,000 inside. There’s also a card that says James Stevens, 12 Acre Close, Preston.’ “ “So?” says the DJ. “What do you want us to do?” “Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?” Money



“A guy who lives down the road from me was selling his car, he said he wanted 800 for it or he’d take the nearest offer. So, I stood right next to him and offered him a tenner.” Money



“Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple-based pastry desserts this month alone. What a turnover!” Money



“I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I’ve just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.” Money



There are more important things in life than Money. The trouble is they all cost Money. Money



“Last year another 300,000 families fell below the poverty line. This has prompted the opening of a further 45 Lidl’s across the UK.” Money



I’m on the Wonga diet. I’ve lost 50 pounds already. Money



“Just got a text from O2 reading, “O2: Don’t forget you’ve got until 07/07/09 to top-up and repay the 1.00 call Time you borrowed, otherwise we’ll have to charge you 0.25 [email protected]” I think I’ll just wait and pay the 25p fee.” Money



Why do banks only lend you Money if you can prove that you don’t need it? Money



I was really excited about opening a savings account, but once I started taking Money out, I just lost interest. Money



If Money is the root of all evil, how come I’m skint? Money



“I’ve had a real run of luck recently that I just can’t explain. It started last week when I won the lottery. Ever since then I’ve had no end of girls wanting to sleep with me. And men. Weird eh?” Money



“Finally, my Money problems have all gone out the window. Unusually on the same day as my wife did.” Money



I opened up a business selling trampolines to Eastern Europeans, but it’s not going well… the Czechs keep bouncing. Money



“Headline from the Daily Express ’2 Million Pound Benefits for Dad of 10’ Good luck to the guy, but should we be paying these huge amounts of Money to somebody his age?” Money



“When they want to make an area graffitI proof, why don’t they just coat the area with the paper you get on the back of credit cards? It’s the only material in the world that is totally impossible to write on.” Money



I went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier for a statement. She said ‘My name is Carol and I Work at the bank’. Money



“I gave my son a piggy bank for his birthday, “you’ll thank me for this when you’re grown-up and getting married” I told him. “Is it so I can save up and treat my future bride to the wedding day of her dreams?” He asked. “No son, I just want you to get used to the fact that you’re going to end up with a pig that takes every penny”.” Money



“They say two heads are better than one. Regardless, the royal mint rejected my coin design.” Money



Remember, Credit card debt is for life, not just for Christmas Money



When originally entered, the joke was: Money



One of my cats is called Maddie. Literally just for the grave stone in the garden when she dies. Mythical



Given the speed at which the human body actually decomposes in the open air, and is completely eaten away by flies, maggots, and bacteria, it seems that all we have to do to survive the zombie apocalypse is just stay indoors for a few days. Mythical



This Hallowe’en I’m saving Money on zombie DVD’s. I live in Stoke, it’s chucking out Time and I’ve just opened the curtains Mythical



“What’s long, makes women wet and makes men disgusted if someone gets it out? A Twilight DVD” Mythical



“My Workmates accused me of being delusional. So I downed my pint of unicorn tears and flew away on my Pegasus.” Mythical



“Really Professor, Do you really believe there are such creatures as vampires? “Herr Doctor, there are many things in this world that we simply cannot comprehend So these small puncture marks on her neck are from the fangs of this devilish fiend?! I’m afraid so, draining the very life out of her in the process She looks so peaceful and beautiful, I can’t believe she’s dead. She’s not! She is what we call one of the undead I take it Professor she would have all human responses but retain no consciousness of anything that took place in this realm? Exactly!

Are .. you.. thinking what I’m thinking Professor? Yes! Ill close the curtains. You go first, Herr Doctor, I don’t mind sloppy seconds.” Mythical



“I was thinking of putting fangs on my canine teeth to make me look more like a vampire and have the many girls who read the Twilight series chasing after me. But I think perhaps with my weight problem, I’d look more like a baby walrus.” Mythical



How tragic would it be if a vampire got AIDS off of one of its victims? Mythical



“I told my vampire friend I had a cure for his affliction. He thought he would never see the day.” Mythical



“When it comes to chat up lines, vampires don’t have much luck. “Have you got a mirror in your knickers love? because I can’t see myself in there tonight.” Mythical



“Fairy tales are so unrealistic. It’s not the dragons, or the witches, or even all the magic.

It’s the fact that there are all those sleeping princesses, and not once do you hear about them being the victims of opportunist rapists.” Mythical



“What did Goldilocks say to the Three Bears? “How did you make porridge without opposable thumbs?” Mythical



“I wish my wife was more like the wanted. She’s never glad I came.” Mythical



“Went to a zombie party last night. It was dead at first but eventually things started coming alive.” Mythical



“I found myself turning into a vampire last night. My car hit Hilary Devey on a street corner.” Mythical



“Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me. Sincerely The Bogeyman” Mythical



Twilight is so pointless I mean why do they not just have a threesome and have it done with instead of wasting my Time with all of these films. Mythical



“I took out four zombies with my baseball bat last night, and unbelievably the Police have put me up on a murder charge. I honestly didn’t realize it was my wife and her friends with face packs on.” Mythical



“Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances?

The librarian said “ Well, they used to be over there……” Mythical



“I had to see Twilight last night, just to satisfy what all the fuss was about. Talk about far-fetched or what. Vegetarians being strong and not one of them has an irritable bowel.” Mythical



“Sanitary towels; Dracula’s teabags.” Mythical



I hated being a vampire, back in the day. Mythical



“So the wife left me today. I guess replying “ just go out without your makeup on” when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn’t such a great idea” Mythical



“I just bought a great DVD/CD burner it’s great, just one small problem, it only burns Twilight DVDs or Justin Bieber CDs. However, on the plus side, if I have a girl over, it also doubles as a fireplace.” Mythical



As any zombie, will agree, the most important thing to look for in a woman is brains Mythical



“I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie to not wear any underwear. He said, “Your wish is me Commando?” Mythical



I honestly don’t know why everyone is making such a fuss about their relationship. Mine is a walk in the park. Admittedly with a dog, but a walk in the park nonetheless. Mythical



“Top Tip Girls date a zombie. He’ll love you for your Brains.” Mythical



Shrewd move by Hollywood film bosses to film parts of World War Z in Glasgow. Why spends millions on extra’s dressed up a flesh eating, mindless crazy fools when you can just video kicking out Time in the pubs? Mythical



“My mate said vampires can’t be real as they could get AIDs from people’s blood, I replied back “It depends on the color of the person they bite” Mythical



“I was a vampire when I was a child. Those were the nights.” Mythical



“It’s Time to stand up and be counted.” I said to a lazy Dracula at his initiation ceremony.” Mythical



“So apparently, it’s not all bad news if you get killed by Voldemort. Instead, you can become a teen vampire with the power to make 13-year-olds fall in love with you.” Mythical



Stephenie Meyer likes Team Edward! and Eating Alone. Mythical



“So, I’ve been searching for the YetI for 3 weeks now. I did originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I went for a more achievable goal.” Mythical



“My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious… So, I threw her into a Volcano.” Mythical



“I’m in a cover band for The Zombies. We never perform live.” Mythical



“Vampire teenager: ‘‘Dad, if you won’t let me go out I’ll simply wait for you to fall asleep.’‘ Vampire dad: ‘‘That’ll be the day.’‘” Mythical



“The reason women love vampires so much, is because they are the only men who will lick them out during their periods” Mythical



“My wife said, “Imagine we’re sat here now, and flesh eating zombies started smashing their way into the house… What would you do?” I said, “Hide behind you… …you big fat tasty looking lump.” Mythical



“I’m having a really stressful Time at the moment, and to make things worse I get back from the doctors to find I’ve got a high blood count. I specifically told Dracula not to sample any of my ‘special cakes’ while I was at Work.” Mythical



“Snoop Dogg: I want to be a vampire. Well he sucks already……..maybe he means he wants to be white.” Mythical



“I love Twilight. 2 to get some fake teeth. And then I can convince young girls to come into the forest with me, with a piggyback ride.” Mythical



“It’s Bully from Bullseye!” I exclaimed as I saw the small statuette. “You aren’t really an expert in Cretan archeology, are you?” replied the museum director.” Mythical



“What’s A Vampires’ Version Of A Lollipop? A Used Tampon.” Mythical



BBC News: Despicable film eclipses Twilight. The BBC should really check their website, someone has typed the word ‘eclipses’ into the above heading” Mythical



I married a woman who turned out to be a vampire. I loved her and was prepared to go along with most of the changes it meant to our lifestyle but I just couldn’t see myself in a house without mirrors. Mythical



“A busload of zombies were just involved in a minor collision. They are all feared dead.” Mythical



If you’re a vampire a used Elastoplast makes an ideal ‘Blood Patch’ if you’re trying to give it up. Mythical



“How was your apocalypse? Mine was great, until I realized the zombies I was killing weren’t zombies… But that didn’t stop me!” Mythical



“I was attacked by a couple of vampires last night. In an effort to distract them, my girlfriend bravely cut her arm. Her plan Worked, the vampires could smell the blood in the air and turned their attention to her. Luckily, I was able to use this opportunity to put my hands in my pockets and walk home.” Mythical



“I’ve been thinking about it and, at the end of the day, it’s not so bad being a vampire.” Mythical



I’ve just finished revamping my bedroom. Buffy made such a mess trying to slay me. Mind you, she can try again anyway. Mythical



“Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she’d turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a blind rage. And then another Time in the month she’d turn into a wolf.” Mythical



“I just saw that they ‘ve launched a “Twilight” fragrance range, now you too can smell like the undead.” Mythical



“I was giving blood at my local health centre the other day when in walked an Orc “Are you giving blood as well?” I asked “No” he replied “…I’ve got too much Hemoglobin” Mythical



“Where do vampires go for a pint? At the Hemoglobin-Inn!!” Mythical



“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen. “It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.” “Never you mind,” says his mother, “don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.” “Aye, that I do,” he says, “I just keep playing my bagpipes.” Neighbors



My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden. Neighbors



“What’s the one word beginning with N and ending with R that you don’t want to call a black person? “Neighbor!” Neighbors



“Ever since those so-called Obamas have got in, I keep reading about how they’re going to be the next Kennedys. As far as I’m concerned, no one can replace Karl and Susan from Neighbors.” Neighbors



“I just got skylights put in my place. The woman upstairs is furious.” Neighbors



“My next-door Neighbor’s Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched. A few minutes later, so was she.” Neighbors



“The girl next door has beautiful soft skin. I’m wearing it right now.” Neighbors



“If I ever win the lottery, all of my Neighbors are going to be so rich! I’m going to move to a rich neighborhood.” Neighbors



“Ok, so my Neighbors officially hate me. Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us. So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbor’s house was on fire! Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husband’s arms, and we were just kind of standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever.. Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire…. Talk about bad timing…” Neighbors



My Neighbors have been listening to music all night! I love my stereo. Neighbors



“When I moved into my new house one of my Neighbors came around and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighborhood Watch. Obviously, I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any Time I wanted to.” Neighbors



“My Neighbors called the cops on me again for playing the drums at 3 in the morning.

They should just buy me a set so I can practice in my own house.” Neighbors



“I thought I’d caught my neighbor spying on me with their binoculars last night. It was just my reflection in their bedroom mirror though.” Neighbors



“Child: ‘Mummy! Mummy! Are little birds made of metal?’ Mum: ‘Of course not, dear. Why do you think that?’ Child: ‘Daddy just said he’d like to screw the bird next door!’” Neighbors



My Neighbors listen to some amazing music, whether they like it or not. Neighbors



“I think my new Neighbors are really poor… you should have heard the fuss they made when their 2-year-old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier” Neighbors



“My internet went down yesterday. I think my cheap neighbor forgot to pay the bill. how irresponsible” Neighbors



My Neighbors are so inconsiderate. They’re out, and for the last 2hrs I’ve had to listen to the incessant beeping of their smoke detector. Neighbors



“My Neighbor from Prague, turned up uninvited at my party at home. He brought all his friends and family and my house ended up full of Czechs. It took 3-5 Working days to clear them.” Neighbors



convince your Neighbors that evolution is Working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday. Neighbors



“I was watching Neighbors the other day… And then they saw me.” Neighbors



“I’ve met this girl who, whenever she’s around, makes me so happy. She’s called Sarah Tonin.” Neighbors



“My Neighbor has built a ten-foot wall to stop me perving on his daughter.

I can’t get over it.” Neighbors



“My Neighbor went ballistic when she caught me giving her the V’s again. Its safe to say our weekly scrabble games are probably over.” Neighbors



Everyone refers to it as the Post Office but I want to know what it is now. One-Liner



So Humpty Dumpty went to this Serbian music festival…. One-Liner



“It’s not size that matters it’s what you do with it that counts” I said to my girlfriend as I stabbed her with my 3-inch knife. One-Liner



It’s a sad, sad day when you start to realize you’re playing a solitaire game that you know you’ve already played… One-Liner



“Innuendo?” What is that, a brand of Italian suppositories? One-Liner



I hope Disney now decide to make High School Musical 4: The Helen Goddard edition One-Liner



Must be tiring being a Plymouth fan playing Newcastle away, every single day… One-Liner



If you Work in a hospital, can you call in sick? One-Liner



After a fight, my wife has banned me from getting on Stella. Luckily she doesn’t know about Katie. One-Liner



Is it just me or does anyone else think that the guys who diligently trawl through jokes to write “DUPLICATE” have jobs as traffic wardens? One-Liner



So, let me get this right. I can start prowling the park an hour earlier this evening? One-Liner



Your joke isn’t too offensive; it just offends people when you get a better score than them. One-Liner



Hermaphrodites – The only real single parents. One-Liner



“Just been on google and searched ‘free heroin.’ Got a few hits.” One-Liner



“I thought that my wife might have an offset ring spanner in her handbag… My suspicions were confirmed when I found an offset ring spanner in her handbag…” One-Liner



If they don’t want you to drink n drive, why put car parks in pubs ?? One-Liner



Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? One-Liner



I read a joke about window Shopping the other day. I didn’t get it. One-Liner



BREAKING NEWS: Blackpool fined 25,000 for fielding an understrength side against Aston Villa. IN OTHER NEWS: West Ham fined 1,000,000 for fielding an understrength side all season.” One-Liner



If you have any gloves you don’t want, I’ll take them off your hands. One-Liner



I’m an Air France Airbus A330 and I’m in PCs One-Liner



I went in the chemist the other day and asked the girl for a packet of Pyrex. “ Dont you mean Durex?” she said….” no I’ve got some hot stuff waiting in the car” One-Liner



I can think of nothing better than getting your Sickipedia joke turned into a Facebook group….. One-Liner



Welcome back, TheCrossBowCannibal – would you like to hide a heinous crime? One-Liner



“A plane crash is no laughing matter. On other websites.” One-Liner



In order to boost sales, I have decided to open up a KFC next door to the Job Centre. One-Liner



I once took a Penalty in the Fog and Mist. One-Liner



Why is there so much month left at the end of my Money? One-Liner



It’s rude to talk while I’m interrupting. One-Liner



Do you think Roadrunner would have been so elusive if ACME had built IEDs? One-Liner



I was out walking the dog earlier. Although she prefers me to introduce her as “my wife” One-Liner



Does the dead hooker in my shed count as a garden hoe? One-Liner



Would you still vote for jokes if you knew Jim Davidson posted them? One-Liner



If there is one place I can’t stand !!.. It’s on a slippery surface. One-Liner



You know its gone wrong when the tissue is red.. One-Liner



I’ve heard Matt Damon is going to play Oscar Wilde in his next movie, Bourne to be Wilde One-Liner



I guess the librarian let Alexander McQueen check out that book. One-Liner



“You should have seen the smug look I gave my co-Workers this morning,

as I strolled into my 82nd floor office with a parachute strapped to my back” One-Liner



I keep seeing the word paranoid everywhere One-Liner



“Gazebos. Gods way of reminding us that we’re not quite as advanced as we think” One-Liner



You know you’re stressed out when you can hear mimes. One-Liner



Watching the global financial crisis unfold is like watching my dad being molested a by a fat guy in a clown outfit. I know it’s going to affect me, I’m just not sure how! One-Liner



Anybody else find it impossible to walk out of the newsagents without having a sneaky peek at the top shelf? One-Liner



Get celebrity sportsmen into trouble by betting on them in an ‘irregular pattern’. One-Liner



"Worrying Works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen" One-Liner



I’m not really sure how I feel about ambivalence. One-Liner



How many people are going to claim to have invented Windows 7 ? One-Liner



Slinkys – about as much use as a fart in a sieve…and that’s saying something. One-Liner



SomeTimes I agree with those people who tell me it’s Time to grow up. Other Times I hide in my pillow-fort where the big stinky doo-dooheads can’t get me. One-Liner



My daughter asked me why mummy is so pale. I told her to shut up and keep digging. One-Liner



I’m thinking of taking my girlfriend out tonight……..one bullet should do the job One-Liner



Liam Hilton: Glasgow’s tribute act to Liverpool’s most electric one hit wonder. One-Liner



A new Indian version of Fawlty Towers is being released starring Fazul Balti. One-Liner



Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? One-Liner



Am I the only one that see’s the phrase “shatter-proof” written on stationary and thinks “we’ll see about that…” One-Liner



“The Hunchback of Notre Dame has retired. He received two years back pay, a lump sum, and a case of Bells” One-Liner



I got absolutely hammered and spent 2 hours flying a helicopter last night! ……. then I ran out of 50p’s One-Liner



Astronomy is looking up! One-Liner



I rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for precision. One-Liner



Yes I do specialize math, ladies please form a y=mx+c. One-Liner



“My phone only Works in churches… I’m on a pray as you go tariff” One-Liner



Did you ever skip the line for the dole just so you’re not late for Work? One-Liner



Do you think the sickipedia server should apply to be on the weakest link? One-Liner



My friend asked me how to spell immature the other day, I replied: ‘POO.’ One-Liner



Girls mature faster than boys. 12 is the new 20. One-Liner



I wonder how American Muslims get through Ramadan? One-Liner



“Whenever I meet someone for the first Time I always talk about an obese woman walking on a frozen lake… That usually breaks the ice.” One-Liner



Logic states that you have a cheap television. One-Liner



The Dead Kennedys…..REUNITED!!!! One-Liner



A white woman breaking the window of a black man’s car and dragging him out….Did I wake up in bizarro land? Is up now down? One-Liner



My math teacher was teaching us about sine and cosine, but then he started going off on a tangent. One-Liner



My girlfriend complained at length about my Right-wing views. So I simply went and sat on the other side of the plane. One-Liner



“I bought a box of those press-on towels in Boots today. What a con – I used six and didn’t even get my arms dry.” One-Liner



Guitar pioneer Les Paul has died aged 94. The police have no leads but state there is no need to fret and suspect he may have snapped his neck. One-Liner



Funny how inflammable things are flammable. One-Liner



Has anyone else noticed that it is impossible to blow your nose without opening the tissue and having a good look at the contents? One-Liner



So in which prison is the Sickipedia stand-up comedy night? One-Liner



“The sickipedia stand up night, looking for ‘sponsors’, or ‘bail’ as it’s more commonly known..” One-Liner



Police have arrested six pregnant chav`s and charged them for growing their own dope. One-Liner



You know you’re a bad parent when you dip your kid in the bath water first, because you don’t want to scald your elbow. One-Liner



Pyjama cords – convincing you there’s a spider in your bed since pretty much you were born. One-Liner



On wafer packets, how do they describe how thin the wafer is? One-Liner



You know you’re on Sickipedia a lot when you reply “Duplicate” when you get text a joke you’ve already been sent. One-Liner



“I’m sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame this morning. If it wasn’t him, it was a dead ringer.” One-Liner



Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. One-Liner



“I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum. So he recommended his wife.” One-Liner



There are exceptions to every rule. Except this one. One-Liner



Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children One-Liner



I’m so unpopular right now, the voices inside my head aren’t even talking to me. One-Liner



Went to a party at Barry White’s house last night, it was very low key. One-Liner



“Hindsight is a wonderful thing. . especially when you’re standing behind Pippa Middleton.” One-Liner



“Fact: If you want people to punch you in the face repeatedly, precede every statement you make by saying “fact”.” One-Liner



The Great Wall of China; The longest wall in the world but not one cash point. One-Liner



Ballistophobia – Fear of missiles or bullets… Has there ever been a more pointless word? One-Liner



Heather Mills is a giant fingernail; and the world is her blackboard. One-Liner



I was doing the dishes the other day. Such a lovely couple. One-Liner



Me and my friend used to spend all our Time together in a treehouse but then we fell out. One-Liner



Butlin’s: where the poor have their annual wash One-Liner



Has anyone else noticed that most cars with a sticker saying “All valuable items have been removed from this vehicle” contain clearly visible valuable items. One-Liner



I’ve got a joke to keep Rabbis happy but I think it’s a Jew placate. One-Liner



Don’t you think people these days look older, compared to say 10 years ago. One-Liner



It’s been so hard to get on Sickipedia tonight that I even actually considered buying a t-shirt. One-Liner



I cant see many racist jokes being submitted tonight, “This is England” is on film 4… One-Liner



“jokes about the Spanish on sickipedia? no way, jos” One-Liner



No matter how good you are, there’s always someone better on youtube. One-Liner



You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than you do shampoo. One-Liner



I saw a dirty car earlier and couldn’t help but write ‘Cleaned by the NHS’ on the window. One-Liner



Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he’d make certain that everybody would get an above average income? One-Liner



LED ZEPPELIN: Much more energy efficient than Plasma Zeppelin Puns



“Why was the soldier pinned down? He was under a tack” Puns



“Chinese man almost dies after spillage in Super Glue factory” Talk about a sticky situation. Puns



"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya gettin on??" Puns



“I’m a minister at the graffitI church. Let us spray.” Puns



I’m setting up a strip club in Devon, offering Cream Tease. Puns



“Apple have announced that they are to launch the iPad 2 by spring. I thought, ‘Don’t do that, you’ll smash it!’” Puns



I’ve just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed. Puns



“Just been to the cinema and sat with a champion wrestler to the left of me and Simon Weston to the right. I was in between the Rock and a charred face.” Puns



I bought a snow shovel today ‘ Time I got it home it had melted Puns



“Whats Mr T’s favorite rock band? The Foo Fighters….” Puns



I’ve started a new sweet company…I’m going to make a mint. Puns



“Some Indian bloke has taken to running around my hometown recently, fighting crime and jumping from building to building. He calls himself Batnaan.” Puns



BNP, UKIP, English Democrats… I know my rights! Puns



“Why did they start letting women in the army? To cook the grenades” Puns



“did you hear about that new law on constipation? the government are still trying to push it through.” Puns



I dropped my geology degree to start a rock band. Puns



A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. Puns



“I wonder what turns OCD people on and off. And on again. And then off again.” Puns



“So tonight in the Carling Cup it’s Barnet v Watford; The Bees v The Hornets. Apparently, the fans of both teams are buzzing!” Puns



“Ive just invested my life savings into The Mount Everest Grill House which opens next week.

The steaks have never been higher.” Puns



“My Friend told me that caustic soda was a drink. Just found out it was a lye.” Puns



“Black people end up doing crime, because they are incompatible with the education system.

They just don’t seem to cotton on anymore.” Puns



“My wife said that she would like to try swinging for a night. She’s only been up there for a few hours and she’s already gone limp.” Puns



“The words “I love you”. Putting the con into consent.” Puns



“My Nan was evacuated during the war. That’ll teach her to eat a tin of prunes to herself.” Puns



“I tried to break the world record for fastest removal of a Chinese finger trap. I couldn’t pull it off.” Puns



Charities that help neglected children are easily ignored. Puns



“I babysat over the weekend… Apparently, it was lucky to survive” Puns



“Two archaeologists were at an ice age excavation, when all of a sudden they unearthed an enormous find that was going to take months to clean, dig out safely and protect. They had a mammoth tusk ahead of them.” Puns



The popularity of voyeurism is peeking Puns



“Everyone is calling me Mr Paranoid. I just know it.” Puns



Ever since I’ve started Working at the resistor factory my colleagues have really helped me feel at ohm. Puns



“What do you call a Chinese woman on fire? Mel Ting” Puns



“My face fell as I held my winning scratch card. Stroke of luck, that.” Puns



“Just picked out my fiancé’s wedding ring. I have no idea how it got up my nose in the first place.” Puns



“What happened when the wheel was invented? It caused a revolution” Puns



“Saw this new headline yesterday ‘PC battered to death’ … Some people really hate the database latency too high page.” Puns



“I paid 10 to see an opera show last night and about five minutes into it one of the performers dropped down dead. So, that was a waste of a tenor.” Puns



my dad moved in mysterious ways.. mind you that was because he had one leg shorter than the other Puns



“I was speaking to my American friend who lives in MississippI on the phone earlier and he said there is allot of ‘Anti-British’ feeling at the moment due to the BP fiasco. In hindsight, perhaps saying, “Maybe the England v USA game will pour oil on troubled waters” wasn’t my best move.” Puns



“My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links.” Puns



I just finished a book on Mongolian literature. It was okay, I guess. It had its prose and Khans. Puns



“I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.” Puns



“Roses are red, Cabbage is green. Open your legs, And I’ll fill you with cream.” Puns



“For years, people have been telling me I can dish it out but I can’t take it. I’m a School dinner lady with an allergy to mashed potato” Puns



“The French bourka ban. I bet they had trouble seeing that one coming.” Puns



That woman who threw a cat in the bin really hurt my felines. Puns



I just got off the phone to my friend and it said “your balance is low”. I didn’t believe it, and carried on walking. And fell over. Puns



On a recent trip to Istanbul there was a building with hundreds of stalls in it selling spices, food, equipment, all sorts of objects and even animals and pets! Bizaar Puns



“My son was complaining because his new coat wasn’t keeping him warm.

I told him to zip it.” Puns



“I was having trouble picking a scab earlier. They all looked so good.” Puns



“I’m great at comic timing. It took my mate 32 minutes to read the Beano” Puns



“The last 10 fancy dress parties I’ve been to I’ve gone as a shark the joke is wearing fin” Puns



“I went to sleep with one eye open. I didn’t sleep a wink” Puns



“Trust me, you don’t want to play golf with Sven Goran Eriksson. He takes forever to take a shot, because he keeps changing clubs.” Puns



“Ah yes, 9/11. The age range I molest exclusively to.” Puns



I have no Money but my wife has piles. Puns



FOR SALE: Human skull – Only been used once. Puns



“I had an argument with my Wife in a sauna the other day. It was very heated.” Puns



“I was playing noughts and crosses with a friend, when he started playing with a marker pen.

It was a bold move.” Puns



“I can’t believe the undemocratic EU will only allow power-saving lightbulbs to be sold.

I’m incandescent!” Puns



“Top tip; Never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There’s a good chance you’ll end up legless.” Puns



Drivers! get that feeling of a luxurious gravel driveway by supergluing rice krispies to your tyres. Puns



“Who is the world’s best White wrapper? Santa Claus.” Puns



Spent the morning painting my nails. Now my hammer is jealous. Puns



“A Jew”. Bit of a tight sneeze.” Puns



“Change is a part of life. After all, you can’t expect to always have the right amount in cash.” Puns



“My wife always gets the wrong end of the stick. So now I just use a spade.” Puns



“Goodbye to the 100-Watt bulb. You lit up everyone’s lives.” Puns



“I recently heard the news about the boy who was locked in the cupboard for his life.

Nice to know that he finally came out the closet.” Puns



“I’m seeing a girl at the moment. She’s been in the dining room for 10 minutes, and she’s just walking in to the kitchen now.” Puns



“How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Pattie.” Puns



“I have a crush on my local green grocer She has a great pear. I might ask her for a date.” Puns



“I was crowned national limbo champion last night. I hit a new low.” Puns



“I had a look at a new ribcage yesterday, but decided against it. My heart just wasn’t in it.” Puns



“I had to go to hospital after tripping over a box of Kleenex once. It was ok though, it turned out to be just a soft tissue injury” Puns



“I saw a notice in the local paper which read: “Accelerated Learning in Nursery Teaching”I couldn’t help thinking that they could have just called it a Crèche Course.” Puns



“I’ve got a bet on with my mate about the number of Indian people who are taking the 10.15 from Bangalore to Mumbai. There’s a lot riding on it.” Puns



“My wife said, “I want Champagne, no wait I actually want Rose. Forget that I’ll have Chardonnay.” I said, “Stop whining.” Puns



“My young daughter came home complaining her scalp was itching and on closer inspection, there were written words all over her head. Something like .. ‘My first is in file but not in vile’ ..‘My second in life, but not in wife’ .. ‘My third is in fell, but not in fall’ .. and so on .. I just gave up looking because she was clearly riddled.” Puns



“What is a frog doing jumping off a bridge? permitting suicide” Puns



Last week I met this old Russian dude who was a spy in the Cold War. Now we’re inseparable! He’s totally my KGBFF. Puns



“I really don’t like annoying people. Except for my wife, I could annoy her all day long.” Puns



“You know what really brightens up my day? The sun.” Puns



“I tried to invent a new type of container which would rival the bucket. It turned out to be a pail imitation” Puns



“Had an argument over shared office stationery, bloke snapped my ruler. I don’t believe in half measures so I gave him a whole punch.” Puns



The worse thing I ever had to do as a doctor was tell Billy Ray Cyrus he needed heart surgery. Puns



“My friend says I may be a communist, I say he’s just Russian to conclusions.” Puns



“I had a dream that I was driving down the motorway in my car whilst making pancakes.

All night tossing and turning” Puns



“My cousin’s fruit stand at the local market was burnt down by vandals. I’ve never seen a mango so meloncholy before.” Puns



“The Mirror: “Manchester City star Mario BalotellI sets house on fire with cracker”

I don’t know why that white guy hangs around with Balotelli, he’s such a bad influence on him.” Puns



“During the day I’m a yacht handyman, by night I cheat at poker. I’m always fixing the deck, me.” Puns



Music related Puns only lead to treble. Puns



“I’ve been writing short stories for years but recently decided to Work on a full length book. Its a novel approach.” Puns



“Got in a fight with a black man today. Beat him blue.” Puns



“I was in Florida last week, researching the best way to track thunderstorms. Then it struck me.” Puns



“I feel bad for my math teacher as he got in a fight last night at a pub. It’s a sin cos he got tanned.” Puns



Contortionists are twisted people. Puns



My brother just left to do his second tour of Iraq, so I bought him a comb as a parting gift. Puns



I used to own a banana costume but it split. Puns



I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently, I’m too old. Puns



“A mate told me “you are what you eat”. That does explain why I’m scared all the Time…” Puns



I used to have a job underground, but never mined. Puns



Superlatives are the best thing in the world. Puns



“What do you call a fish that’s fallen over? Carpsized.” Puns



“I grew up in an Orphanage. It was nothing to write home about.” Puns



“I booted a spastic in the face the other day. I just love to kick things when they’re down.” Puns



“There’ll be trouble from a little country in the Middle East soon. Just Kuwait and see.” Puns



“As an athlete it is very important that I condition myself right for the up coming Olympics. My hair is going to look amazing.” Puns



“What’s Nick Griffin’s favorite part of a supermarket? The Czech Out.” Puns



“I’ve had to stop collecting packs of cards. I’ve got a full house.” Puns



These jokes about the Batman shootings are the Bane of my existence. Puns



I like my women how I like my umbrellas. Thrown in the cellar, saved for a rainy day. Puns



“Went into the kitchen last night and my grandmother was there wearing a cow girl outfit and jumping up and down on the stove. I said to her “Get off the cooker Grandma you’re too old to ride the range”.” Puns



“I thought that I’d never be able to take a stool sample from my reluctant colostomised patient. In the end, I managed to pull it out of the bag at the last minute.” Puns



“I’ve just put the finishing touch to five thousand hamburgers. I’ve always relished a challenge.” Puns



“I had an appointment at the opticians today, but I was too busy to make it on Time. So I rang up and told the doctor I couldn’t see him.” Puns



“I got fired from my job as an investment banker the other day. I guess what they say is true, Goldman Sachs.” Puns



“My crazy wife dresses her garden gnomes up like supermodels. There’s one called GnomI Campbell.” Puns



Due to falling profits the company Fairy has gone into Liquidation. Puns



I think my pumpkin really enjoys Halloween. Every Halloween weekend his face always lights up! Puns



“I went to the weigh in for the Haye vs Harrison fight. But the door was locked” Puns



If you like fish, then you should put herring on it. Puns



Saw a disabled kid at the fair today, he was having a wheelie good Time Puns



“Tried my hand at masturbation. I picked it up in 2 minutes.” Puns



I warned my friend I’d be around in a jiffy, so I don’t know why he was surprised when I turned up outside his house dressed in a large padded envelope. Puns



“My wife was complaining that I never take her out anymore, so I did. She’ll be conscious again in a couple of hours to thank me.” Puns



Flo Rida molested a fourteen year old girl the judge said “ he had never seen someone steep so low low low low low low low low. Puns



My obsession with cars is causing my wife and I to drift apart. Puns



“My Native American mate is struggling to grow proper facial hair. He has Apache beard.” Puns



“Just been kicked out a pub quiz for beating up an oriental bloke. I think it’s fair to say I won that ThaI breaker!” Puns



Some of these math Puns just don’t add up, I wish the Mods would take away them as its causing a big divide. Puns



“Smashed my girlfriends face earlier What a food fight that was” Puns



“I’m officially the fastest Royal Mail thief in the country. I’ve held the post for the past three years running.” Puns



“Why is Captain Birdseye greedy? His business makes him sell fish.” Puns



“I have lots of livestock but every Time I try to make gravy it runs away” Puns



“My wife bought me a new camouflage jacket and asked me to try it on. ‘It’s a bit too army’ I told her ‘But I thought you love the Army?’ She replied ‘I do love the Army’ I said, ‘I meant the sleeves are too long’.” Puns



“My mate reckons it really easy to make a joke, and that you can make one out of anything these days. “You could easily make a joke out of a Roman Road” he said “It’s not that straight forward” I replied” Puns



Forecast for this weekend: Mostly drunk, with a chance of hangover. Puns



“My wife asked me, “Are there are any better ways of finely cutting cheese than with a knife?”

I replied, “I could think of grater things.” Puns



Breaking News: Newly crowned Bukkake world champion claims he will “Take on all comers”. Puns



“I’ve just taken a quick nibble at my juicy Granny Smith. I think I’ll reward myself with an apple.” Puns



I was thrown out of the Apple shop today, because I was Windows Shopping Puns



“Hey man, did you see that wild pig?!” “Nah I was having a slash in the bushes.”

“Oh, well don’t worry too much… it was a bore.” Puns



“Jon Bon JovI is training to become a priest, he’s living on a prayer, Well he’s halfway there” Puns



“Where did the mathematical dolphin do his sums? Indices.” Puns



“I fancied a pint so I thought I’d try The Not Inn. It was shut.” Puns



“The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday. “That salmon’s going to make my washing stink of fish.” she raged.” Puns



“Last week, whilst doing my job as a change dispenser Technician, I was stuck trying to think ways to remove a jammed coin. But then the penny dropped.” Puns



I watched a fisherman in a boxing match, he only threw hooks. Puns



“In his will, my Grandad left me a Victorian device for weaving wigs for yourselves and your children. It’s an old family heirloom.” Puns



“Why can’t the human race think sitting down? It stands to reason.” Puns



“A small bit of lightning hit my toilet. That was a shock to my cistern.” Puns



I’m in charge of the national armed forces…. generally speaking, Puns



“How come the BBC is the only outlet that seems unaware that one of their news teams is being beaten and detained in Lybia? Suppose the answer is in the question.” Puns



BBC News: Search resumes for missing Loch Etive fisherman Guess he was just in the wrong plaice at the wrong Time.” Puns



“Whenever I look at my wife and her conjoined twin I think: “Now there’s a woman and a half…” Puns



“I am trying to invent a board of some description which could be used to rest upon whilst somebody was drawing. Seem to have hit loads of problems though and I’m getting nowhere. Oh well, back to the I don’t know what.” Puns



“Daily Mail: “Manchester City have made their biggest signing of the summer by landing rock star fan Liam Gallagher….” Seems weird, but i’m just gonna Roll With It.” Puns



I just mastered the art of humility and I’m proud of it. Puns



BBC SPORT: “Tottenham in talks to sign Adebayor” Hmmmm this could really be a shot in the foot in terms of Adebayor’s career. And the last thing they want is yet another black man getting shot over there.” Puns



“It was poker night and my mate randomly decided not to let me look at my cards.

What’s the deal?” Puns



“What do you call a girl living in the playboy mansion in the Czech Republic? Czechmate.” Puns



“What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin? You get an electric current.” Puns



“A zombie looked at me straight in the eyes. He was dead serious.” Puns



“You should never throw wooden shoes down the toilet. You’ll clog the system.” Puns



“What do you call a bald king with no sons? Heir less” Puns



“I ate the most wonderful flatfish today. It was brill.” Puns



“I’m not a big fan of street food. It’s just a bit too pedestrian.” Puns



So, what if I don’t know what the definition of the apocalypse is, it’s not like it’s the end of the world Puns



Some jokes are so pointless. Puns



“Abu Hamza keeps dropping his Nokia… His phone’s always off the hook!” Puns



When you think about it, “Don’t let anyone tell you what to do” is impossible advice to follow. Puns



Should AudI make a car called the Doodi? Puns



"Spring Deal: 50% off all trampolines" Puns



“Apparently, my mate Lee has started doing drugs. I’m not sure if I believe it.

It’s highly unlikely…” Puns



“Weeds are starting to take over my garden. It’s a growing problem.” Puns



“Just met a guy who’s supposed to be an expert at origami. I gave him the “cold stare” and sneered at him. He folded” Puns



Be kind to your dentist – he has fillings too! Puns



I have become a millionaire from gardening, but I will never forget my roots Puns



“Met a woman in the bar the other night, her second name was Nokia, got slapped when I told her that I had a big Ericson” Puns



The local mafia keep drawing crosses and ticks on me – think I’m a marked man. Puns



“My wife said I was ‘Skeptical’ I didn’t believe her for one bit.” Puns



“I feed my children sewage. They are, quite literally, drains on my resources.” Puns



“Identical Twins. They’re all the same.” Puns



Taking everything into account, my bank is pretty full. Puns



“So Sarah Harding is off into rehab. Someone told me there’s no girls aloud in rehab?” Puns



“I used to Work as a refuse collector…. It was a load of rubbish though really…” Puns



People say I’m good at fractions, but they don’t know the half of it. Puns



I went to School in a wendy house… I found it hard to fit in Puns



“Just finished my first shift as a croupier at a casino. Dealt with everything quite well.” Puns



“Just quit my job with National rail. Couldn’t be doing with all the training.” Puns



My teachers always said I would be an underachiever and they were right – just won the world limbo dancing championships. Puns



I was surprised to hear about the murders going on at the Batman film. If there was going to be any crime committed, I thought it would have been a spot of Robin’ Puns



So, I heard about the shooting at the cinema in Colorado, I guess that guy was really the Bane of their lives. Puns



“I wouldn’t say that Bradley Wiggins has an unhealthy obsession with cycling. I just think he’s Bike-curious” Puns



“I was watching the first pilot episode of the Simpsons the other day, and I couldn’t help but think that they used to be a right bunch of sketchy characters.” Puns



“What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Sacked from the zoo.” Work



“On my first day as a human cannonball my boss said, “I’m going to have to let you go.”You can’t fire me,” I replied. “That’s exactly why I’m letting you go,” he said.” Work



“I see Warrington are kicking off “Jobs For Whites”. I don’t really see it catching on in Bradford somehow.” Work



MinI Workers were laid off recently. It’s ok, they’ll always be welcome at the chocolate factory. Work



“My mate told me he’s doing security on the doors. I said, “Why don’t you just get a lock?”.” Work



“I was told the lift at Work was out of order. I didn’t think it was that bad, I only lifted her skirt for a quick look.” Work



“I’ve just spent over an hour queuing in the Job center, Apparently, they’re understaffed!” Work



“I’m always being asked “Do you Work here?” in Homebased. It’s getting so annoying that I might just quit.” Work



“An annoying Work colleague told me today she was “like a ray of sunshine.” So, I asked her if that was why she caused redness, irritation and a feeling of premature ageing.” Work



“Handy tip: Start funny office rumors and increase your promotion chances, by constantly sneaking into the women’s toilets after your female boss has been in, and putting the toilet seats up!” Work



“I cancelled my job interview with first great western without telling them… They were so impressed they hired me straight away!” Work



I Work for a company that makes “Back in 10 minutes” signs. We don’t get many visitors. Work



“I was talking with all the grunts in the army when a sergeant major came up asking what we were discussing. I replied “Excuse me but this is a private conversation.” Work



“I’ve been selected for a ‘Random Drugs Test’ at Work. I hope I get something hallucinogenic to help me get through today.” Work



“I started my first day at a new job today. The boss said he wanted me to be a professional.

So, I jumped through a window.” Work



“There are lots of people getting fired where I Work. Mind you, I do Work at a crematorium.” Work



“Never drink coffee in the middle of the day at Work I tried it once and it kept me awake all afternoon!” Work



“I hate having to fill in the ‘Hobbies’ section on my CV. It makes me sound like a 12-year-old boy. I think it’s stopping me getting a job. “What would you describe as your hobbies and interests?” Football Movies 12-year-old girls” Work



“Finally, my Plumbing business is getting really busy… It’s all cisterns go.” Work



“A colleague at Work told me that if I wanted swift promotion, I should “brown nose the boss.” I don’t see how farting in his face will achieve anything.” Work



“Heskey is like the tech guy at a Work night out… Never going to score, but still goes just to show face.” Work



“I always get aroused after showers. In fact, they’re the main reason I teach P.E.” Work



Am I the only one who secretly relishes being ill at home so I can see what I look like with a moustache? Work



“‘So tell me, Mrs. Smith,’ asked the interviewer, ‘have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?’ ‘Actually, yes,’ said the applicant modestly. ‘Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.’ ‘Very impressive,’ he commented, ‘but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.’ Mrs. Smith explained brightly, ‘Oh, that was during office hours.’” Work



“The reason bones Work? They’re white.” Work



“My mate told me that since he’d started wearing a shirt and tie to Work, people took him far more seriously. The other brickies just laughed at me when I tried it.” Work



There’s a fine line between genius and genfinelineius. Work



Wherever there is an evil dictator, you’ll always find a miserable typist. Work



Time Travel does exist, I just discovered it next week Time



If Time is Money, then aren’t all ATMs Time machines? Time



“This new sundial I bought is useless. It doesn’t say whether it’s AM or PM.” Time



“It’s just taken me nearly four hours to eat a dozen watches. It was very Time consuming.” Time



“Today at Work I have managed to get 8 Casio watches on one wrist and 9 Rolex’s on the other. I think I have too much Time on my hands……” Time



“I once built a Time machine. Yes, I remember it like it was tomorrow.” Time



“I spent 14 hours designing a belt from old stopwatches. Then realised it was just a waist of Time…” Time



Maybe I’m not imaginative enough, but if I had a Time machine, I think I’d just fast-forward to bedTime. Time



“It’s 1:05am. Only 5 minutes ago until the clocks go back.” Time



“I love the clocks going forward, it really brings people together. Right now, up and down the nation, literally thousands of people are united in looking at their computer screen and their mobile phone and trying to Work out whether they changed themselves automatically in the night or whether they are still an hour behind.” Time



Don’t forget that the clocks go forward continuously. Time



“My Great-Great-Great-Grandmother called me a liar. That’s the last Time I’ll travel back in Time to see her.” Time



You ever have one of those nights where it’s so boring it feels like Time is going backwards? Time



Travelling into the future is easy. It just takes a while. Time



“SomeTimes, when I’m bored, I like to prefix every question with the phrase “I have travelled here from the year 1987 to ask…” Which is technically true.” Time



“I put my clock forward like everybody told me to. It fell off the mantlepiece and smashed to bits.” Time



“11:59:59 am is my favourite Time of day. It’s second to noon.” Time



"I asked my mate for a second opinion. He said, “Well I-” -”Whoa” I said, “Times up.” Time



“This changing the Time an hour ain’t half affected my body clock. I got my early morning erection when I was standing in the bus queue” Time



I started throwing up before I got on the plane.. does that make me terminally ill? Time



“I have a habit of sleeping in too late and missing Work, so my doctor recommended that I sleep in a herb garden. At first it sounded odd, but I did wake up on thyme.” Time



“I someTimes wonder what I’d do if I ever got a Time machine…. I guess I’d probably go back in Time and stop myself from wasting Time by wondering about something that’ll ‘never happen’, thus inadvertently preventing the existence of the Time machine. But then, if I prevented the existence of the Time machine, how did future me come back in Time to warn present me?

I guess the lesson here is that Time is not linear, but a tangled web of intertwining events.

Oh, and you shouldn’t do acid.” Time



“So I’m losing one hour of sleep tonight? Daylight robbery.” Time



“They’re going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it’ll have both the Time and the inclination.” Time



Being a woman involves spending half of your Time being lost, and the other half, getting there. Time



“The new watch I bought has no hands. To be fair, it is made by Guess.” Time



“Everyone lost an hour sleep last night… Apart from Jocky Wilson.” Time



People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a Time’. You know what? So is everybody. That’s how Time Works. Time



“I’ve just put my clock backwards. Didn’t help at all, can’t see the Time now…” Time



“A clock with a mirror? Time for reflection.” Time



“My mums sister is very knowledgeable when it comes to Time pieces, good old Aunty Clockwise..” Time



“Easiest job in the world – Muslim psychic “I’m getting an ‘M’…… Does the name ‘Mohammed’ mean anything to anyone in the room?” Superstitions



“My mate asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I said, “Absolutely. Ever since my wife died I feel like I’ve been born again.” Superstitions



I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail. Superstitions



“Well, I seem to have got through Friday the 13th without anything bad happening to me.

My wife, on the other hand, has had a shocking day. She died in a car accident.” Superstitions



“I read my horoscope this morning and it said, “You will be lead to believe something on false pretences even though it isn’t true, you must avoid being taken in by it.” So I’m never going to read my horoscope again.” Superstitions



I ate a whole bag a fortune cookies last night, so today’s been kind of crazy. Superstitions



“It’s Friday the 13th again and already off to a bad start. I’ve just checked the wife’s pulse as she lays in bed next to me… She’s still alive.” Superstitions



“Any fellow telepathics out there? No? Thought not.” Superstitions



Bet them Dale Farm gypsies wish they hadn’t sold off all their lucky Heather now Superstitions



BBC News: Man killed by strange zombie like child at midnight yesterday… Someone obviously didnt forward their texts.” Superstitions



“It’s bad luck when you see a black cat walk out in front of you. Especially if you’re a mouse.” Superstitions



I did a online test for fun earlier to figure out what colour represents my character. It turns out that I am yellow. And it also turns out that I have no life. Superstitions



“Just looked at the tea leaves in my cup, and it’s not good news.

Mainly because I was drinking coffee.” Superstitions



“I have been told that there are many secret symbols surrounding us that represents The Illuminati, Freemasonry and other mystical societies. I will keep an Eye on them.” Superstitions



“I bet Bigfoot is jealous of his cousin’s publicity. I mean we’re always finding Carbon foot Prints.” Superstitions



Adults do not believe in Santa Claus. But they still listen to the weather forecast and go to the election! Superstitions



“I’m a bit of a control freak, and I’m getting on a bit now, but I wanted the perfect grandchildren before I said goodbye to the world. Naming my daughter ‘David’s Mum’ really got that sorted.” Superstitions



Its Friday the 13th. This simply means that most students will blame witchcraft for their regular Stupidity. Superstitions



If you walk under a ladder, you’re bound to get married. Superstitions



“People say if you open an umbrella indoors, it’s said to bring bad luck.. Personally I think, if it’s raining indoors.. You’ve already had your bad luck.” Superstitions



"Husband Ratings. -You buy her a new car. +5 It's a pick-up truck. -5 With the license plate: GR8 LAY -10 -You cook her a meal. +2 It's out of a packet. -1 It's still in the packet when you serve it. -10 You buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +3

In the snow. +5 But return with a beer. -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night. +1

It's nothing. +1 It's something. +3 You pummel it with a six-iron. +10 It's her pet -10

At a party, you stay by her the entire night. +1 You leave her side after a while to chat to an old college drinking buddy. -2 Her name is Selina. -4 Selina is a dancer. -6 Selina has implants. -8 You take her to a movie. +1 You take her to a movie she likes. +3 You take her to a movie you hate. +5 You take her to a movie you like. -2 It's called Death Cop 3. -4 Which features cyborgs that eat people. -8 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. -10" Superstitions



“I always stick to the 5 second rule when I drop food. But apparently serving it at the Ritz can get you fired” Superstitions



“I don’t think this is the first Time a Haitian Witchdoctor has put a spell on me. I’ve got this terrible feeling of de ja voodoo.” Superstitions



Does it still count as good luck when you run over two magpies? Superstitions



Statistically 9/11 Americans won’t get this. Statistics



Statistically… 9 out of 10 dyslexics enjoy a ‘pear’. Statistics



Statistically, two out of every one Iranian will vote for this. Statistics



I am looking for 8 volunteers to help me find Cheryl Cole, to test a statistical hypothesis. Statistics



Statistically, 13 out of 13 triskaidekaphobics will be scared of this joke. Statistics



Apparently, 3.5 out of 7 people overcomplicate things. Statistics



“Definition of: “Hey Hun, are these recent pics”? On Facebook. Basically means: “Do you still look like that or have you got fatter and uglier”?” Social-NetWorks



“When did all these drama-filled reality TV shows about food, weather, kids, and relationships start using closed captioning for the hearing impaired?” I thought to myself. Then I realized I was on Facebook.” Social-NetWorks



“Just heard the news about the woman who shook their child to death after being interrupted whilst playing Farmville… At least they made themselves some nice fertilizer for their crops…” Social-NetWorks



“I was on the way home from Work the other day, when I got talking to some girl at the bus stop.

We got off at the same stop, so I asked If she wanted to come in and stay the night.

After a whole night of pleasure I decided to add her on Facebook. But when I went to log into Facebook I saw that you had to be over 13 to create an account…” Social-NetWorks



Apparently putting ‘Fap Fap Fap!!’ as a comment on friend’s pictures of their children ISN’T cool. Social-NetWorks



“I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him #here boy”




Drunk Facebooking is like a fat chick, we know we shouldn’t do it but when its put there in front of you it’s a different story and either way you wake up the next morning thinking oh god what have I done Social-NetWorks



It’s funny the way when I log on Facebook everyone seems to be busy and logs off. Social-NetWorks



Google Plus recently announced a new service called Google games. In a press statement, they announced 3 other new products called Square, Triangle and R2. Social-NetWorks



Facebook’s just a waste of paper Social-NetWorks



“Recently, a lot of fat birds have been sending me friend requests on Facebook.

I guess it’s high Time that I removed that cake from my profile picture.” Social-NetWorks



“Facebook Places. Taking the risk out of burglary.” Social-NetWorks



“So that NSPCC ‘Change your picture to a beloved cartoon character’ was a scam by a paedophile designed to make them easier to accept. But to be honest, anyone who accepts a total stranger solely because their picture is Mickey Mouse deserves to get abducted, abused and killed.” Social-NetWorks



“So Voldermort took over the wizard world, turned half of the population into his followers. Can u imagine if he had a twitter account!” Social-NetWorks



“I was chatting with a girl on Facebook this morning. “4,831 Friends? Cool.” I said.

“Yeah, I’m going to make a new profile as soon as I reach 5,000.” “Hmmmm..”

“What do you got?”, she asked. “Not much”, I replied. “Just a life.” Social-NetWorks



“Timeline from facebook: we thought you might like your wall cut in half.” Social-NetWorks



“I see #PrimarySchoolmemories is trending on twitter. Personally, I used to love kissing the girls behind the bike sheds, until I left. I miss my janitor Job” Social-NetWorks



Twitter-The best thing to happen to stalkers since binoculars! Social-NetWorks



Is it me, or would I have never met any of my friends if it wasn’t for facebook? Social-NetWorks



“I’ve been inboxing my number to everyone on Facebook but I think I got the wrong idea. Angry parents have been ringing me all day going mental.” Social-NetWorks



I’ve been kicked off Facebook because of a “misunderstanding” of the purpose of the group “Feed children with just a click” Social-NetWorks



“I know what will stop these riots… A facebook group” Social-NetWorks



“My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Facebook. That’s one less person on my friends list.” Social-NetWorks



q uo poq nq s s s Shopping



“Stationary shop moves”….. Shopping



I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a ‘bag for life’. I said, “No thanks, I’m already married.” Shopping



“I went to Games Workshop today. I wasn’t buying anything; I just wanted to watch the people who were to boost my self-esteem.” Shopping



“My butcher backed into his bacon slicer. He’s ok but he’s got a little behind with his orders.” Shopping



Judging by their adverts, getting your Shopping through the checkout at Somerfield would take the best part of a day. Shopping



“They say ‘never forget your roots’ I guess its no surprise then, that Al Fayeds shop Harrods is on a corner.” Shopping



“Trampoline required urgently, any condition, shape or size to replace mine that has been stolen.

Please deliver and place it under me before I start to fall.” Shopping



“Told the wife I’d bought her something black, plastic and 8 inches long for her birthday.

The look on her face when she unwrapped a new roll of bin bags…” Shopping



“I like to dress my son up in a red and white T-shirt and then lose him in Sainsburys.

It’s like real life Where’s Wally!” Shopping



“I said to the young girl serving in Woolworths today, “If this doesn’t fit, can I bring it back after christmas”? Will not shop there ever again.” Shopping



“Just seen an advert for the Next 2-day sale. I wish they would tell me when it is.” Shopping



“At my local supermarket we have to pay to park so everyone just gives each other their tickets if there is a reasonable amount of Time left on them. I do the same but with out of date tickets. It makes my job as a traffic warden much more rewarding.” Shopping



“I got held up in traffic last night and arrived home about half an hour later than usual.

By the Time I got back the ground floor of my house had already been converted into a Tesco Express.” Shopping



“I applied for a job at my local ’99p Store’ and was pleased to get a telephone interview.

“Can you confirm you are a full British Citizen?” the interviewer asked. “I am indeed, have been since I was born” I replied. “I’m sorry, you’re not what we’re looking for” Shopping



“My wife asked me to leave her a reminder in the kitchen when we ran out of milk.

So I killed the cat and left it on the table for her.” Shopping



“My Butcher is selling meat on hire purchase. But you have to have a joint account.” Shopping



I’ve heard that supermarkets waft bakery smells around the store to subconsciously encourage customers to buy bread. I can only conclude that my local Lidl supermarket is trying to encourage its customers to buy toilet rolls! Shopping



The finest larceny and replication that only an economic disaster can give rise to. Covered over and over again by the finest joke thieves until the joke is no longer funny. This is no ordinary duplicate: this is an M&S duplicate. Shopping



“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” Shopping



It doesn’t matter how old you are, you’ll always try and get your quid back by trying to bend the trolley chain round the bar. Shopping



My wife spends so much Time Shopping online, I’m beginning to think our wedding vows were “to love, honour and eBay”. Shopping



“What do you get when you cross a scanner with a barcode? Beep.” Shopping



“I fancied some tea the other day. Boy, it sure is difficult to walk through Tesco with a hard on.” Shopping



The cashier in Tesco almost slapped me today, apparently buying wire coat hangers, bin bags, a pregnancy test and pain medication is frowned upon. Shopping



DFS Sofas for Dyslexics.” Shopping



“What’s the difference between Sainsbury’s Prawns and Lidl Prawns? One has a shelf life, the other has a half-life.” Shopping



“I got a 20 Primark voucher for my birthday. I’m now majority shareholder.” Shopping



“I was walking down the street today and an Iceland van drove past and on the side, was written ‘Iceland Delivers straight to your door! That’s why mum’s go to Iceland!’ So, these mums are going all the way to Iceland just to get them to deliver it to their door?” Shopping



“I took a dodgy shredder back to the shop today and asked for a refund. “Have you got the receipt for it?” They asked. I said “Yes, have you got any Sellotape?” Shopping



I went into pound land and asked if everything really was a pound, the woman Working there said, “yes.” So I gave her a quid and asked for the cash register. Shopping



“What does DFS stand for? Daily Furniture Sale” Shopping



“I phoned my bank today and said, “I’d like to put a block on my credit card.” “No problem Sir,” he said, “Was it lost or stolen?” “Neither,” I replied, “My wife has just gone out Shopping.” Shopping



Now Crufts is sponsored by DFS, is it on all year? Shopping



“A man walks into a pet shop. “I’ll have a bee, please,” asks the man, to which the owner of the shop replies, “Sorry, we don’t sell bees.” The man replies, “Well, you’ve got one in your window.” Shopping



“I was in Dorothy Perkins with the wife earlier. Always wanted to try a threesome.” Shopping



“I Work in a tailors, today a man came in and insisted I sell him the material, tools and pattern for his outfit and refused to let me measure him and make it up for him. I thought, suit yourself..” Shopping



“I got robbed in the corner shop today. They even had the cheek to say ‘Please’.

Preceded by ’3.80 for the milk’.” Shopping



“I was talking to a brown dwarf the other day. “You’re gonna be a star some day!” I said” Science



Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not “sillier” and are, if anything, more motile due to sinusoidal undulations!!). Science



“I like the word ‘Saturn’. It has a nice ring to it.” Science



NASA has revealed that our galaxy with collide with it’s closest Neighbor Andromeda within the next 3 billion years. Co-incidentally the same day the DFS sale ends.” Science



“Two bacteria walk into a bar. The barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve bacteria in this bar.”

The bacteria replies, “It’s okay, we’re staph.” Science



“I have an incredible talent: I can tell a person’s skin color just from their ashes!

I call it crematography” Science



Gravity – It has its down side. Science



“Do you know who I hate: Those that are confused by venn diagrams, Those that do not understand venn diagrams, and those that are confused and do not understand venn diagrams” Science



"One of the more famous Time-travel related theories is called “The Grandfather Paradox”. What it basically means is: if you go back in Time to a period when your grandfather is still very young, and you kill him, then you are supposed to vanish -- because if your grandfather is dead, it means one of your parents was never conceived , which means you were never conceived.

On the other hand, let’s say you do go back in Time, and you do kill your grandfather at a young age and you don’t disappear. Then Gramma has a few questions to answer.” Science



I could tell you all there is to know about atoms, but I don’t want to Bohr you Science



Michael Jackson proved evolution, he went from a monkey to a man. Science



“What’s the problem with living in the ocean? There’s anemone around every corner.” Science



“I visited the particle physics laboratory, CERN, in Geneva the other day. I signed up for the tour, and found out to my pleasant surprise that the tour guide was an attractive young research student. I was going to go for it, but it got a bit awkward when she noticed my hadron.” Science



“Scientists have isolated an entirely new chemical compound that emits a high-pitched giggling sound. They think it probably contains an element of fun.” Science



“Scientists have published an article saying that people judge potential mates primarily based on a healthy set of teeth. Obviously never watched an episode of Jeremy Kyle then…” Science



The Curiosity Rover has just found a toilet with the seat up, proving once and for all that men ARE actually from Mars. Science



“Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police for speeding. “Do you know how fast you were going sir?” “No – but I know exactly where I am” Science



the square root of 69 = lesbian. Science



“Recently I’ve been attempting to start new fashion crazes. Today, for example, I walked around with a helium balloon attached to my forehead. Needless to say, I got a couple of raised eyebrows.” Science



“My girlfriend just told me I’ve gone power mad. I was baffled, all I could say was “Watt?” Science



“Driving around today all I kept seeing were signs saying “NO GIANT WIND TURBINES HERE “Why is it whenever I want something, they always seem to sell out?” Science



“My biology teacher tried explaining to me how humans have many different genes coding for skin color, which is why our skin-tone can be many different shades. That’s funny, I thought humans came in only two colors. White and wrong” Science



“Could you tell me the formula for nitrogen oxide? NO” Science



“Just finished reading the human genome. Turns out the CAT did it.” Science



“Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider say they have found evidence of the existence of a ‘God Particle’. I thought He’d be bigger than that.” Science



“A lab Worker accidentally dropped a chemical on his hand that caused his skin to sublimate.

He was fuming.” Science



I was going to order some pie in a restaurant but they told me it was irrational Science



A Photon walked into a hotel today, he went to the counter and asked for a room – the hotelier replied ‘certainly sir, do you want me to take your bags?’ The photon replied ‘No thanks… I’m travelling light’ Science



“When electromagnetic radiation hits a metal, why does an electron eject itself from the metal?

Because the frequency Hz” Science



BBC News: “Apple DNA code is cracked by geneticists” Yeah, because finding a cure for cancer isn’t too important? We can just play around with fruit now insted!” Science



“Why did the Physics question cross the road? As a result of an unbalanced force.” Science



“My mate couldn’t recall what muscles contracted in the chest when breathing. So I showed him a diaphragm.” Science



“So I read in the news the other day that scientists mapping the human genome had discovered a genetic pattern in some people that made them completely superior to those who lack it. The Y chromosome.” Science



“My son confessed that he uses ‘e’ a lot. He’s such a good student, solving natural logarithms.” Science



Schrodinger asked me to look after his cat while he was out of town. But I don’t know if I did a good job, I don’t even know whether or not his cat is still alive. Science



“I wish I never touched that cloning machine. I don’t know how I can live with myself.” Science



“So scientists are still predicting another Ice Age? No worries I’ve seen the movie, it’s gonna be another fun family adventure!” Science



“when I was a kid, I can remember pulling sharply on the seat belt in dad’s car and it suddenly stopped, but when I pulled the seat belt slowly, it continued to unwind with no issues. So I asked my dad: Me: “Why does the seat belt do that?” Dad: “Inertia” Me: “Whats Inertia” Dad: “Kilmarnock” Science



“I was thrown out of college for cheating on my metaphysics exam. I looked within the soul of the boy sat next to me.” Science



“My Science teacher told me that “Our Sun is a star”. Like I didn’t know that already.

I’ve seen it in loads of movies.” Science



What’s so difficult about splitting the at om. Science



You just can’t please some people. The boss wanted us to be more green so I took the bike to Work and yet he still wasn’t happy. Doesn’t he realize how careful I was not to damage the interior of my 4×4 with my bike? Science



I don’t know why people are worrying about being hit by a bus-sized satellite. You’re far more likely to be hit by a satellite-sized bus Science



“The brain is the most important organ you have …According to the brain” Science



“My pessimistic chemistry teacher has a snooker cue with a nickel tip He tells everyone the end is Ni” Science



Browsing a paleontology website today, one of the pages wouldn’t open. I think I’ve found a missing link.” Science



“I can’t seem to be able to study the model of an atom. It’s just too Bohring.” Science



“A woman approached me in town with a clipboard. “Are you happy with your energy supplier?” she asked. “I think so,” I replied, “unless you’ve come up with a biological alternative to carbohydrates.” Science



“I didn’t understand osmosis at School, so I was moved down a set. I went from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.” Science



“I’ve just read that 2 single atoms have hit together in the 17-mile-long Hadron collider tunnel. Women must have been driving them” Science



I went to a physics lecture today where we were taught about how to make an interference pattern with light using Young’s slits, which, coincidentally, is almost exactly what I was searching for on google last night. Science



“National Geographic: “Sperm Recognize “Brothers,” Team Up” Good to know that our sperm aren’t running around with strangers.” Science



“What is the similarity between carbon dioxide and drum and base? They both ruin a perfectly good atmosphere.” Science



“Two men were sitting at a table trying to act cool in front of these women. One man said to a lady “me and him have a telepathy between us” The other man added “I knew you were going to say that” Science



“Carbon and Boron walk into a bar, Carbon turns to Boron and says “if you were a bit more positive you’d be just like me”.” Science



“My antique Georgian mahogany writing desk has wormholes. I opened a drawer and ended up in the Nebula Galaxy.” Science



You locked it in a box with no air holes, food or water in 1935. I think I can say with a degree of confidence and without needing to check, that Schrodinger’s cat is almost certainly DEAD Science



“I was arrested for pinching protons, neutrons & electrons. I’m still not quite sure what the charge is.” Science



“My battery joke didn’t Work. I thought it had potential.” Science



“Some scientists say one atom could contain its own whole universe, and that our little fingers could contain billions of universes! Well, if scientists say that our universe is expanding, we’re obviously in the little finger of some American somewhere…” Science



BBC NATURE: “Flapping and running, researchers at the University of Montana say, may have been an important early step in the evolution of flight.” Good to see the Americans once again at the very cutting edge of scientific research.” Science



“I’ve invented a revolutionary new Facebook craze – lying down in awkward places whilst emitting radiation not continuously, but in quanta. I call it plancking.” Science



“I can’t see the point in particle physics and finding the origins of the universe.

Why are we even bothering to look for that matter?” Science



“Saturday night in my house is when me and the misses experiment in the bedroom.

tonight, we’re going to see the effects when you combine zinc and hydrochloric acid” Science



“I wrote a Darwinian style book on Asian evolution: “Thailand: The Origin of the ‘He/She’s”.” Science



“Where does a chemistry Professor wash his dishes? In the zinc.” Science



Whoever lost the Higgs Boson must be a very relieved man. Science



“A consortium of industrial companies has started an experimental programmer using bankers instead of rats in its laboratories. Unfortunately, the programmer will be shut down next week, as none of the results can be applied to human beings.” Science



“daily mail headline: NASA mission that will take astronauts to mars and leave them there forever. Justin Bieber, David Cameron, Piers Morgan, the French. just putting them out for consideration…..” Science



Some guy asked me what a Mobius strip is today. I didn’t know where to begin. Science



BBC headline: “Scientists create ‘dry water’“. All you need to add is water.” Science



Thinking about it, my favorite topic in physics is reflection. Science



“I went to a restaurant on the moon the other day. The food was great, but there wasn’t really any atmosphere.” Science



Scientists in Fairbanks Alaska have announced that they have discovered a superconductor that will operate at room temperature. Science



“How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the light bulb and the other to rotate the universe.” Science



“There’s been some strange news about charged particles recently. Im gonna keep my ion it.” Science



“Why didn’t the tan cross the road? Cos of the sine” Science



“Argon auditioned for a part in a play, the director asked Argon to redo the scene. But little does he know; Argon never re-acts.” Science



“I’ve just sent my mate a carbon copy of an e-mail. It took him a half-life to open it.” Science



“I told this morbidly obese woman that I was attracted to her ‘thanks’ she said ‘no love, I mean gravitationally attracted’ I said” Science



“Cats are composed of iron, lithium and neon. FeLiNe.” Science



A vector goes to drug counselling to get help for his linear dependency … Science



“Research into male ejaculatory pressure was abandoned due to poor and unpredictable recruitment. They only came in dribs and drabs.” Science



“I before E except after C I think you’ll find Einstein disproved that” Science



A star walks into a black hole, but doesn’t seem phased, so the black hole turns to the star and says, Sir, I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. Science



“I was shown a molecular level diagram earlier but couldn’t see any of the particles.

I swear I was looking right atom.” Science



Action potentials really get on my nerves. Science



Heisenberg’s wife was unhappy because when he had the Time he didn’t have the energy, and when he had the position he didn’t have the momentum! Science



BBC Sci-Tech News: “Bacteria have a sense of smell.” So there’s no bacteria in France then.” Science



“Why do math teachers not like dancing? They can’t handle the func.” Science



“The discovery that neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light has caused surprise in the scientific community. No-one saw that coming.” Science



Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down! Science



“One angry Neutrino squares up to another Neutrino, looking for a fight, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week he says!” Science



“Why is angle B 60 degrees? Bcos.” Science



“The Higgs Boson. Ending awkward moments at supermarket checkouts since yesterday.” Science



“What do you call the equipment you use to rush Barcadi, Pineapple and Coconut together at speed? A large Pina Collider.” Science



“Guardian: Scientists create GM mice with stutter to study condition’s causes Let me save you the Time. In this instance, you’re going to find that scientists caused it.” Science



“I was thinking about the Physics behind certain colored objects becoming hotter than others in the sun. Isn’t it ironic how black things always seem to attract the most heat?” Science



“My tedious mate won’t shut up about a Group 13 metalloid with atomic number 5. Bore on.” Science



“There’s a female teacher at School who’s always telling jokes, but I never see the punchline coming. That’s Miss Direction for you.” School



“Just got a letter from the exam board regarding my results. They congratulated me for being one of the top marks in the country. I had to send it back though – my name’s not Mark.” School



“My son goes to School with a boy called Ryan O’Reilly. One day he came home and said, “Dad, you know Ryan O’Reilly? Well, his name is actually ‘Ryan…O…Reilly’!” “Uh, yeah,” I said. “What did you think it was?” “I’ve been calling him ‘Rhino’.” School



ps3’s comes back on online 2 days before all the GCSEs.good to know sony are trying to keep their target audience, fat, rejected, failures School



“I was lucky enough to receive my education after the end of corporal punishment in Schools. My teachers never even raised a finger to me. Mind you, I was at boarding School, so I got fisted a few Times.” School



When I was in School, one of my teachers was known for wearing very, very short skirts and no underwear, and would deliberately drop pencils on the floor in front of us then bend down to pick them up again – giving us a good eyeful of, well… everything. Eventually the School heard about what was going on and fired him. School



“I’ve been suspended from School for another three days. When my Science teacher asked me what my favorite element was, karate chopping her and saying “Element of Surprise” was wrong.” School



“I love going to the local primary School and watching the kids running and screaming.

That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever.” School



“My son started secondary School today, but he was worried when he heard the older kids flush the new starters heads down the toilet. I said, “Don’t take any notice son, that doesn’t happen anymore.” “Are you sure” he replied, “because I don’t want it to happen to me.”

“Yes I’m sure son, they have knives now.” School



“Just had a math lesson on means, medians, and modes. It was average…” School



“The standard of education in England is getting worse. Today my son came home from School and said “hey dad. I can spell the words HEAD and MASTER now. “That’s great son.” I replied. “How did you learn them words?” “They’re above my name on the sign on my office door.” School



“Summer holidays are great…. The 6 weeks where I can share a website with young School kids and not get reported.” School



Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs, say yes thank you because drugs are expensive these days. Petrol is expensive as well, so if they offer you a lift anywhere, get in the car and enjoy the freebie. School



“Last week on Monday and Tuesday I had the best education I had ever had, I was beginning to wonder why they were teaching us so well. Then Ofsted left.” School



“My mate just dropped out of School. 5th floor window, poor guy didn’t have a chance.” School



The human brain is amazing……. It functions 24 hours a day from the Time we were born, and only stops when we take exams School



Tinie Tempah….. probably has more Brit Awards now than he does GCSE’s. School



As a 55 year old PE teacher you might think I’m getting a bit past it. But actually, the stiffness seems to go away after showers. School



“My teacher said I’d do much better at School if I stopped flirting, I immediately got off his lap” School



“Osama Bin Laden and I have a lot in common. Neither one of us has done my history homeWork.” School



In the news today apparently 50% of England’s Schools are not teaching mathematics well enough, Doesn’t sound that bad to me, still less than a quarter. School



“My math teacher called me to solve a problem he wrote on the blackboard.

So, I got up and erased the blackboard.” School



“My son’s Science project, about sound travelling under water, was a great success after a little help from me. Shame about his iPod though.” School



“The other day, this lady who Works at the local School really went off on one. “Kids of today; they don’t know how easy they’ve got it. They can’t do anything themselves and expect everything handed to them on a plate” To be fair, she is the dinner lady.” School



“Just seen an iPod game called ‘Surviving High School’. I was well disappointed to find out it wasn’t a first-person-shooter.” School



AQA GCSE Exam Question: Do you think exam questions are getting easier?

A. Yes B. David Beckham” School



“I was called into my son’s School by his headmaster. He said, “I’m afraid to say, Mr Jones, it’s clear to see that you completed Oscar’s Geography courseWork for him.” “Oh dear,” I replied. “What gave it away? Is it because it’s of a higher standard than his usual Work?” “Not really,” said the headmaster. “It’s the fact that he was killed in a road accident the day we handed it out.” School



“Just saw the latest dyslexia figures for the UK. They made for difficult reading.” School



“Playgrounds 1991 – My dad’s tougher than your dad 2011 – My mum’s tattoos are better than your mums” School



BBC news: “shortage of male primary School teachers” Maybe the crackdown on paedos is Working a little too well.” School



Would you send your son to a School run by someone who insisted on being called “Headmaster?” School



“My son had a charity non-uniform day at School yesterday. I thought I’d get him to emulate my look. I can’t believe the School frowned upon black steel toe capped boots, turned up jeans, a white vest and red braces.” School



“But professor,” she said, “I still don’t understand. Why are you giving me free tuition?”

“Well,” I replied, “I see a lot of myself in you.” “Really? How much?”

“About six inches, but I haven’t decided where to put it yet.” School



“Brilliant, I start at a nursery on Monday and I can get away with playing with as many kiddies as I want without any complaints, strange looks or comments. I’ll never be detected.

Then again, I’m only four years old.” School



If you can read this, then you dont need to worry about the English grades you got. School



“I was reading the paper this morning and shouting about how much I hate immigrants.

Then the exam invigilator said, “Oi, be quiet or I’ll disqualify you.” School



“My son Robert came home with a really impressive end of term School report this week.

Dean Fisher’s parents must be very proud of him.” School



“Today my teacher asked me “What would you bring if you were stuck on a desert island?”

I said “A plane would seem like a good idea.” School



“As soon as I finished my GCSEs, I dropped English, Math, all of the Sciences, Art, Geography and French…. … and the rest is history.” School



“my teacher ether loves me or he’s a pedo. he keeps putting kisses next to my Work.” School



“I left School at 12, and loved it. All of the other Schools didn’t finish until 3:30” School



“I was worried after being called into my hot Science teacher’s office, I had been drawing hearts on my Work before handing it in to her. I was upset at what she had to say. I thought I was doing everything right, but she said I had to change. I was wrongly labelling the atria and ventricles.” School



Protractor; now that’s a learning curve! School



“I was called in to my son’s School the other day. The teacher showed me the graffitI he’d scrawled on another kid’s jotter: “Ranjeev is a PakI and he stinks”. I was furious. “This is disgusting!”, I shouted, “I won’t allow any child of mine to write such things!”. So I took him home, sat him down, and explained why he should never use tautologies.” School



“I think using Sickipedia should become part of the School curriculum for 5 – 10 year olds. Okay their innocent little minds will be corrupted and there is also a good chance they would be groomed by a pedophile but at least they would be able to spell properly and have good grammar.” School



“A lot of the people I went to high School with are getting married and having kids.

A lot of the people I went to high School with are idiots.” School



“An old friend dropped by and we talked about the past while looking through our college yearbook. I pointed out the three girlfriends I banged. He beat me though when he listed his sixteen scores. I would have won but medical cadavers don’t count.” School



“My mates and I got our results back today, none of us failed! We all have aids.” School



“A” level results announced, within 10 minutes the server collapses and everyone’s panicking they won’t get a place.” Don’t worry, McDonald’s have repaired the server and said there’s plenty of jobs for all……” School



“I got an A on my English paper today. Well I think I did… I’m not sure whether the F, I and L make it better or worse” School



Just found out my son’s having some bullying problems. Apparently, the School won’t let him do it. School



“Teacher: Where is your homeWork?

Me: Sorry Sir, my dog ate it.

Teacher: But, your homeWork was to make an abstract object made of razorblades.

Me: I know Sir. My dog is dead.” School



“All the people opening their A levels on tv Why won’t one of you fail?

Please” School



BBC News: Exam board put foreign names in tests to avoid suspision of racism.

Nasty gits, as if it isn’t hard enough already for dyslexic people to read the questions.” School



My mate is a part-Time teacher, or teacher as it is known. School



“Teenage pregnancy and drug use rates are rising. No wonder this year’s biology and chemistry exam results reached a record high.” School



Geometry is just plane fun! School



“I didn’t know the answer to the exam question “What is plagiarism?” So, I just copied off the bloke next to me.” School



“Today, my history teacher asked, ‘What the most disgusting history you’ve observed Jimmy?’

Turns out my older brother’s web history wasn’t a suitable answer…” School



When I found two generous E’s in my exam results today, I was a bit disappointed, but once I took them, my results were looking a lot better. School



“I remember at a parents evening, my head of year told my parents my future was going places.

The asked: “Like what? Scientist? Teacher?” He replied: “No, he’s going to be a travel agent”.” School



“After some of my students pulled a prank on me, I decided to teach them a lesson.

Since it’s my job and everything.” School



I was always better at Geography than Math. When asked “what is long division?” I answered “The Berlin Wall”. School



“I’ve just failed my end of term art exam… Q, If Jamal has blue paint and mixes it with your yellow paint, what does he get? Apparently ‘A punch’ is not the correct answer.” School



“I was sat in my Economics lesson today, where discussion was all about complimentary goods.

A call from one side heard “Shampoo and Conditioner”, “Crackers and Cheese” from another, but apparently “Vaseline and tissues” isn’t a suitable answer.” School



“When I was at School, I spent half my Time scared of things like fractions. Well, I say half my Time.” School



“According to the new School curriculum, children from the age of five will be expected to learn and recite poetry. We always read poetry at my School anyway. It’s just most of it was written in the School toilets.” School



“I had a very important role at School. I was a day boy. Or at least I think that’s what they were shouting.” School



“Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here please? Student: Yes Sir, I am paying as little attention as I can.” School



“My results today reflect my mood for the future CBA.” School



“My English teacher taught me to write about what I know. He regretted that when I handed in my story about an old depressed English teacher, whose wife is leaving him.” School



“I wish I was 14 again, when I’d leave School with maybe homeWork and a detention

Now when I go near Schools, I leave with an erection and a court date.” School



“The teacher says: “If you kids in the last row could be a little bit more quiet like the ones in middle reading comics, then the kids in the front row could sleep much better.” School



“I was stopped by a policeman yesterday after he caught me truanting from School in the cinema yesterday. He said “Shouldn’t you be in School?” “No, I’m home-Schooled, officer, by my mum” I replied “Shouldn’t you be at home learning from your mum then?” He asked. “Teacher Training Day” I said.” School



“What’s the difference between a nightclub bouncer and Derby University? A nightclub bouncer won’t let you in if you’ve got a few Es!” School



My School days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years. School



“I’m currently studying the ‘Effects of Friction’… It’s gripping stuff.” School



Sacked from my job as a primary School teacher, apparently adding a wet t-shirt contest to the School sports day was not acceptable.. School



“I got my A level results today. I got 3 A’s. A d, A e, and A U.” School



“My history teacher asked me if I ever thought about the present or the past.

I said “Now & then” School



“I saw a guy sneakily copying my answers in the exam I took yesterday. Joke’s on him though, I didn’t study either.” School



“My mate was stressing about his psychology exam. I told him it’s all in the head.” School



In exams, we look up for inspiration, down for desperation, left and right for information. School



“Back when I was at School I almost joined the debating team. But someone talked me out of it.” School



“You could always tell who were the rich kids and who were the poor kids at School.

The rich kids would come back with a new rucksack and a tan, and the poor kids would come back with a black eye and a new surname.” School



These math based questions on Facebook are starting to get annoying. The order of BIDMAS is not up for debate. 5*5+5 does not equal 50 it equals 30 because a system has been set up to avoid this kind of confusion. School



“At School I was always getting in trouble for fighting, throwing things and disrupting lessons.

But I never once regret my years as a teacher.” School



My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests School



“At my School every student smokes pot before School. That way no one misses out on higher education.” School



“They say ‘a picture paints 1000 words’. Apparently, the exam board disagrees with this statement where 5000-word essays are concerned.” School



“When I was teaching at the School the other day a student came in 15 minutes late. I said “Where have you been?” “I’ve been up Cherry Hill sir,” the boy said. So, then I asked him to sit down and get on with his Work. 5 minutes later another boy walks in. “Where have you been?” I demanded. “I’ve been up Cherry Hill sir,” He said. Then he sat down and got on with his Work. 20 minutes later another boy walks in. “Where have you been?” I demanded once again. “I’ve been up Cherry Hill sir.” “Can someone please tell me where Cherry Hill is?” A young girl walks in and says, “Right here sir.” School



I used to hate math but then I realized decimals have a point. School



“I kicked my daughter out of the house for missing a period. A bit harsh perhaps, but in my house, we pride ourselves on correct sentence construction.” School



“My English teacher told me that I don’t understand the concept of explaining things properly in my written Work, it made me feel this small.” School



“Teenage girls. Don’t worry if you didn’t do great in your GCSEs. As long as you got a ‘C’ in Childcare you’re sorted” School



“My Wife asked me what I had done at Work today. As a teacher, I told her I had asked the children to describe glaciers. ‘I see’, she said… Exactly the answer most of the children gave.” School



“Good luck to all the 16 year olds getting there GCSE’s results today! And their kids getting SATS.” School



“‘Active children get best grades’, claim education experts. What about Stephen Hawking?” School



“I managed to write half a page about a family member earlier. Pa.” School



“Whilst getting my hair cut, I was chatting to the hairdresser who was quite good looking. Everything was going great and I thought I had a shot so I built up the courage to ask her the necessary question: “So, no GCSE’s then?” School



“I got 5 A*s for my A level results. Just kidding, I’m not Chinese.” School



“Those who can. Can. Those who can’t. Teach. Those who can’t teach. Teach PE.” School



“Tom cannot attend School today because he has a bad cold.” “Who’s speaking?

“My Dad.” School



“I went back to my old School today. It was the first Time in twenty years. I went back for the funeral of my old Science teacher, and they asked me to say a few words so I did, Method: We put the coffin in the crematorium. Observations: It burned with an orangey bright flame. Conclusion: No more homeWork!” School



In secondary School, I was voted most likely to reminisce. School



“At School I was always hopeless at fractions, half the Time I didn’t have a clue what any of the numbers meant. Well I say half the Time.” School



“Me and the wife were called in by my little boy’s teacher because he’s been using racist language. “Your son has been using some really quite offensive words,” said the teacher, “I’m worried about the role models he might have.” “Absolute rubbish,” I said, “Come on Ava, let’s go, I’m not going to let him talk about Adolf in this way”.” School



“It would be great to judge a spelling bee “Spell threw.” “Can you use it in a sentence?”

“I threw the ball through the goal.” School



I took the lock picking A Level because I thought it would open many doors for me in later life. School



“Studied: BTEC National Diploma in IT Job: Checkouts at Morrison’s” School



“After a seven-year-old in my primary School had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the School banned us from playing. Well, us teachers anyway.” School



“I never used to pay attention in School, and my teacher said I’d never achieve my dreams by looking at a window. I’ve proven her wrong. I’ve achieved my dreams, I’m now a window cleaner in Amsterdam.” School



“I failed my physics A-level today. I was asked to provide an example of an infinite reality loop. Apparently “an Indian man calling his bank helpline” wasn’t the right answer.” School



“When I was at School I got an A in English. Which is probably one of the reasons I failed my English exam.” School



“A mate of mine is a bit worried about his 8-year old daughter. She’s not integrating well with the other kids at School. I think she’s a bit young to be doing calculus.” School



“I could count with the fingers on one hand the number of Times I’ve been called a useless Math teacher. As long as those fingers were operating a calculator.” School



“I had a girl come up to me today and asked if we went to School together. “We might have”, I replied. She said , “what year were you in”? “Erm…….. Every year….” School



“I struggled with my math exam today. The question asked “What is the area of the triangle with base ad and height b?” I just remember thinking “This isn’t half bad”.” School



“I have not been to confession since I wet myself in School. I’ve not been to another parent’s evening since.” School



“The real reason to come to School in summer; Not for the end of year exams, different sports, or even socializing with friends. Just the constant erections upon seeing bra after bra through girl’s shirts.” School



“A teacher asks the boys and girls whose parents are making a lot of Money John: My mother is a hooker, she makes a lot of Money Peter: My father is a police officer, he makes also a lot of Money Little James is looking a bit dazed hearing this, and the teacher asks him: James, does your father also make a lot Money? James: My father is a truck driver, and if there wouldn’t be hookers and police officers, he would earn a lot too!” School



“ I’ve got an ‘A’ for my essay.” “Great news son! I’m proud of you.” “I haven’t handed it in yet. Any other letters I could add?” School



“What have School teachers and pedophiles got in common? It’s not very cool to admit it, but all kids try hard to be their favorite.” School



“I remember hearing my grandad tell people he was on one of the first boats to arrive on the beach of Dunkirk but that he was also on one of the first boats back. I think he shot himself in the foot.” School



“Last month President Obama made a televised speech from a high School in Arlington, VA, in which he said: “Every single one of you has something that you’re good at […] And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is”. Mr. Obama was right, as most of us discovered at the age of 12.” School



“I made History today. Sadly, got up too late for Geography though.” School



I failed all my AS exams last summer, in exams I can’t stop myself from doing origami. My girlfriend says it’s because I fold under pressure. School



“I’ve just sat through a lecture on ‘how obesity affects constipation’. It was heavy going.” School



Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down! School



okay so I have to stand up in front of all the staff at inset day 2morrow and talk about what inspires me as a teacher........ should I mention the 12 weeks holiday a year I get??? School



The only person who can get better results in my exams than me is Mark Scheme. School



“My dad always told me rules are there to be broken. That is why I could never draw a straight line in School.” School



“I couldn’t be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at School today, so just told him to take the laptop with him. “How’s that dressing up?” my son asked. “Easy, just tell them you’re a pirate” I replied.” School



“How do you get loads of new best friends? Open a pack of gum.” School



“I am moving to a new School and I know the other kids do “mum” jokes I don’t know how they are going to make fun of me though I have two dads” School



We live in a society where the students are higher than their grades. School



“My girlfriend didn’t do very well in her GCSEs. And her mother didn’t appreciate me saying that she could go a long way with her 34 D’s.” School



“I asked my Geography teacher where Mozambique is? I don’t know, I’m your Math teacher, he replied. I said don’t change the subject.” School



There is a hide-and-seek game organization, the president of which hasn’t been found yet… School



You’re so fat, that on the first day of School you sat next to everybody. School



“What happened to the PhD student that was on fire? He suffered 3rd degree burns.” School



“I fell asleep during Geography, only to be woken up by the teacher a couple of minutes later. “Hey, there, Sleeping Beauty!” she said sarcastically. “Why don’t you tell us where Flanders is?” Apparently, the answer “Right next to Homer, and now let me sleep, you Stupid cow!” is only good for getting you a detention.” School



So, its GCSE results day today and if I do as well as im expecting then the only letters ill be seeing is A and E School



“What goes, ‘Two A’s, Three B’s, One C, Two D’s and an E’? The alphabet being recited by a dyslexic.” School



“My mate always got bullied at School, can’t be easy when you have the name Paul Skinback.” School



“The kids go back to School tomorrow. Dunno who’s more excited, the parents or the pedo’s?” School



“When I was in School I was in a Science lesson, and it was a quiz. My Science teacher asked the questions and we put our hands up and answered them. The question was, “If lots of cells make a tissue, what do lots of tissues make?” To which I replied, “A lonely Friday night?” School



“I remember all the baking I did in home economics in School. The teachers couldn’t see round the back of that building.” School



“I was always the best at math in School. Pretty much the bare minimum as a teacher.” School



“At School they call me the whizz kid. But then again that’s only because I wet myself in the GCSE math exam.” School



“I was doing a chemistry paper today and the question was “Why is NH3 important to humanity” Apparently “to serve Mein Fuher and rid the world of Jews” I not on the mark scheme” School



“As I lay beneath the stars taking hundreds of spectacular pictures I couldn’t help but think… I’ve just taken voyeurism to an all new level of low.” School



The School Career’s Adviser is speaking to Johns dad. “Frankly,” he said, “Your son is rude, churlish, vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic….. We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct School



Got my results today, and like the thousand of other spotty tennagers I am over joyed. The condom Worked and the girlfriend isn’t pregnant. School



If there’s one thing I definitely get from exams it’s a new pen. School



“I got all Bs and Cs at School. It wasn’t until I was a bit older that I moved onto harder drugs.” School



“My School is putting on a play to show people how in danger African children are.

We don’t get pre-show snacks.” School



“I said to my son, “What did you do at School today?” He said, “We learnt about all the capitals.” “How many do you know?” I asked. He said, “All of them.” I said, “All of them, are you sure?” He said, “Yes, they’re just like the small letters, but you write them a bit bigger.” School



“So today I had this english test, and one question confused me. I had to find the past tense of “Think”. So I thought and I thought and I thought, and at the end I wrote: Thinked” School



“For those taking their exams, remember what OCR really stands for… Observe Copy

Repeat.” School



“The Government should sack all the striking teachers and replace them with long-term unemployed Greeks. They’d be glad of 36 weeks Work a year.” School



“None of my mates understand Venn diagrams, but my girlfriend and all her mate’s do.

We move in very different circles.” School



“My PE teacher was a bully who went ballistic just because I couldn’t complete the School cross country run after I pulled a calf. He roared “I DID NOT TELL YOU TO STOP RUNNING!” as he dragged me off the baby cow.” School



“Teacher says:’ so Rob the saying ‘It only takes one tree to make a thousand match sticks, and it only takes one match to burn a thousand trees’ what can we take from this?’ Rob: ‘ the other 999 matches” School



“Just like a lot of kids my age across the country I got my results back today and they are awful,

I’ve got chlamydia” School



“My old teacher was incredible at history. He knew the date of every battle, the wife of every king, the winner of every war. Shame he taught Biology.” School



Just did a series of multiple choice question tests….I got all a’s. School



“There was a Time I couldn’t even spell the word “teacher”. Now I is one.” School



Am I the only person who, when they finished their exams at School and the teacher said, “It feels great when you’re done doesn’t it?” who replied,“That’s exactly what you said to me last night, Miss”. School



I joined the debating society at School the other day. Clearly misunderstood what my teacher meant when he said we would have a math-debate… School



“I was always warned as a kid not to blow my own trumpet However it was that mentality that caused my exclusion from the School orchestra” School



“I remember in primary School we had a cupboard where we would kiss the girls at break Time. A lot has changed since my day. Its an abortion clinic now.” School



“At School I was known to be a bit of a math genius, in 2003 I managed to get an A*!

It’s amazing what can happen in 6 years.” School



what do you call a scout with a lot of BBQ’s? Bear grills School



“The School disco said ‘Cash prize for whoever dresses the most retro.’ So I turned up with just a leaf covering my dangly bits.” School



“The School register: The kid from Eastern Europe – Check The kid with Tourette’s – Tick

The birthday boy - “Present” The deaf kid - “Ear” The kid on drugs - “Hi” The dead kid- “ah late again I see” School



“I graduated from Cambridge with a master’s degree in arts…………..would you like fries with that sir?” School



“I was doing a talk at my local University earlier, addressing the ‘people of the future’….

I really hope we have a plan B…” School



I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned. Sayings



“The greatest thing about the internet, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington. Sayings



“My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.” Sayings



“I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.” Sayings



“My motto is “Never say never.” Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.” Sayings



“People think I’m weird because I’m addicted to laxatives. But really I’m just a regular guy.” Sayings



“I was at the cash and carry earlier stocking up on fabric conditioner and was devastated to find I couldn’t fit it all in the van. Luckily the wife was only a phone call away and turned up in the car. We managed to take some comfort in that.” Sayings



“My father always said neither a borrower nor a lender be. That’s why he was fired from the mortgage department at Natwest.” Sayings



“She offered me her ring. I knew it was just a Tolkien gesture.” Sayings



Does “I love you like a brother” mean the same thing in Mississippi? Sayings



“Laugh and the whole world laughs with you… Cry and you look like a poof.” Sayings



“After our divorce my wife took me to the cleaners. A lift was the least she could do after being awarded the family car.” Sayings



“As an investment, I just bought an antique Samurai sword. If life becomes a struggle it’ll be good to have something to fall back on” Sayings



“Be Alert The world needs more lerts” Sayings



“An ex turned up from 10 years ago and said she wanted to be a suicide bomber. Talk about a blast from the past.” Sayings



“Loose lips sink ships” I don’t know about that, but they certainly took down a load of seamen.” Sayings



“Bad things always come in threes. With the exception of The Cheeky Girls.” Sayings



“The local kids have taken to calling me “Age” I’m only 17, but you know what they say, age really creeps up on you” Sayings



Once you go black you’ll never go back…to having equal rights. Sayings



“My employee is suing me after he fell off a ladder at Work. This Time he went one step too far.” Sayings



Whoever said, “What goes up, must come down”, can’t have ever encountered my wife’s knickers. Sayings



“My grandfather used to always say “Slow and steady wins the race” He died in a fire” Sayings



I’d be more optimistic if I thought it would help. Sayings



“For months and months I had to put up with the constant sound of my Siamese twin nagging me to give my consent to an operation to separate us. In the end I agreed to it just to get him off my back.” Sayings



“The postman always rings twice.” …A year if he Works for Royal Mail.” Sayings



Popularity is what people strive for when they lack the strength to be themselves. Sayings



My parents told me the truth last night, it wasn’t curiosity that killed my cat, it was lung cancer. Sayings



“I come from a broken home. By masturbating at my broken window.” Sayings



People with big salaries…You gotta give them credit. Sayings



Everything’s all gonna be ok in the end, if it’s not ok,, ITS NOT THE END Sayings



“I know one day Emile Heskey will do something useful with his boots. And hang them up…” Sayings



“Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting….. She’ll only over-react” Sayings



Following Government cuts, please note that on Christmas Day in the morning you will only see two ships come sailing in. Sayings



“A loving smile from my wife is like sunshine on a rainy day. Nowhere to be seen.” Sayings



“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games that someone can’t see.” Sayings



Laughter is the best medicine, which is why I am no longer a doctor Sayings



“You know what they say, you never forget your first! Unless you repress it like I did.

Uncle Tom was so rough….” Sayings



‘They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now’ Sayings



I actually ran over a cat today……9 Times! just to be sure!! Sayings



“I was walking through the park today and wondered, “why does the Frisbee get bigger the closer it gets?” And then I realized due to the curvature of my eye the size of the object depends entirely on the angle between its most distant points, which decreases with distance, and the Frisbee from a distance subtends a smaller angle than when up close. And then I carried on with my walk.” Sayings



When I hear people sighing that life is so hard, I can’t help but think, “Compared to what??” Sayings



“despite many threats when I was younger, I never did have my woe tied.” Sayings



All Work and no play makes Jarek a Polish builder. Sayings



“I’ve been Working like a black the last few days Which is probably why I got fired for lack of effort.” Sayings



“I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, it’s stomach would be full of worms.

After all, it was the earliest bird.” Sayings



“My wife left me because apparently, I talk in irrelevant football clichés. Talk about a game of two halves.” Sayings



apparently “better late than never” is not a good thing to say to the teacher when picking your son up 2 days late from School Sayings



“Only the good die young” It’s the only reason my mother in law is still with us.” Sayings



The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag. Sayings

  1. “’ .. So, I decided, if you can’t beat them, join them.’ Was not my most popular first post in the ‘Lock up all the child abusers’ Facebook group.” Sayings



“I couldn’t believe My Luck… I’ve never known a Chinese woman to lie so much.” Sayings



“My parents always told to live each day as if it were my last. Now I walk around in constant fear of dying. Cheers mum and dad.” Sayings



“They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Actually, that’s necrophilia.” Sayings



“I got offered a job in a wine factory today. I think I’ll mull it over.” Sayings



“I took a few steps in the right direction today… But then I quickly backtracked as I realized the pub was in the left direction.” Sayings



“My wife’s like a walking encyclopedia. Thick and flat.” Sayings



“I saw a suicide bomber blow herself up earlier and the emergency services brushed her up into a nice little neat pile at the side of the road. I’ve got to say; she was bang tidy!” Sayings



I’ve been very down to earth since losing my pilot license. Sayings



“When I was a kid my dad told me that the man must bring home the bacon in the household. But I went one better – I married a pig.” Sayings



Whoever said Money can’t buy happiness, didn’t go to the right shops. Sayings



Where does the bad light end up? Sayings



“When you say to a woman; heaven must be missing an angel. Are you not just saying you should be dead politely?” Sayings



“I’ve just moved in with my significant other, who is black. It’s true what they say; once you go black, you can’t get credit.” Sayings



If dogs die in hot cars, why do they lay next to the fire? Sayings



“I saw a frozen metal pole and wrote on it the reason why I do bad things. Then my perversions took hold of me and I just couldn’t help but lick it. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.” Sayings



“I was telling my friend yesterday how I found Mt. Everest in my back garden. He thinks im making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Sayings



“’‘ Any bloke can have a child but it takes a REAL MAN to be a dad ‘’ It’s true you know, blokes tend to be stronger than children, they’re easily overpowered so you really do have your pick of the bunch. Don’t know about the other bit…” Sayings



“My wife’s motto is “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” Which might be why her luxury cruise liner business failed.” Sayings



“North, East, South, West. An excellent way to remind yourself never to eat shredded wheat.” Sayings



“There’s two sides to every story. MINE… and the truth.” Sayings



“I slept like a baby last night. To be honest, I am only 2” Sayings



Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen. Sayings



“I hear the secret to a good joke is perfect timing. 00:09” Sayings



Confucius say: “Woman who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge” Sayings



“I’m as honest as the day is long….. …in Iceland…. …at Christmas.” Sayings



“My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: “Be Good”. As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; “While the cats away, the mice can play.” I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely.” Sayings



“Bye, take care.” I’m glad you said that cause I was planning on driving home blind folded.” Sayings



“My deaf-mute brother went on a rampage in a supermarket today, killing 13. It’s always the quiet ones.” Sayings



“‘Love thy Neighbor as thyself.’ Which is why I feel the need to allow my Neighbors to listen to my music when I do.” Sayings



“My nan always warned I should be “wary of all men because they only want one thing.”

Even though I’ve been married for over a year, I still can’t get the image of grandad holding a remote control out of my head.” Sayings



“My wife walked into the bedroom in a nurse’s outfit and whispered, “Tonight you can do whatever you want.” “Wow, I feel like a kid in a candy shop,” I said “Sounds like someone’s happy…” “With diabetes.” Sayings



“The Devil Makes Work for Idle Hands. He’ll have his Work cut out if he ever visits Liverpool then.” Sayings



“The Kettle said to the Pot “Is it because I am black?” Sayings



If people say to you, “Liar, liar pants on fire!” and your pants aren’t actually on fire, I think they’re being a bit hypocritical. Sayings



“Ladies: Arrive alive. Don’t nag your husband whilst he’s driving.” Sayings



It’s only my vertigo that stopped me climbing the ladder to success. Sayings



“They say that there is a bullet out there with your name on it. That’s why I’ve lived my whole life in fear because my surname is Armour-Piercing.” Sayings



“What goes around comes around. I found this out when I threw up on the Waltzers.” Sayings



“You could hear a pin drop in my house this morning when the wife found out I’d been having an affair. Pity I didn’t see the grenade that she’d just pulled it from.” Sayings



“Don’t teach your Grandma to suck eggs, you don’t get the same pleasure.” Sayings



“I’ve just treated my wife to a new vibrator. I’m going soft in my old age.” Sayings



“I was telling my dad that it’s easy to steal washing off the Neighbors line. He said, “I know son, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.” Sayings



“When in Rome…….. Rape the Pope to restore balance.” Sayings



“They say that “Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once” … Which is why both my kids have genetic disorders.” Sayings



Sticks and stones may break my bones but guns are more effective. Sayings



“Fortune favors the bold…” Said the inventors of the first washing powder.” Sayings



First thing’s first. As opposed to when, exactly? Sayings



“An obnoxious American told me how proud he was to be living in a free country. I told him you get what you pay for.” Sayings



“I sold a Schoolboy a pencil case, protractor and a fountain pen on eBay today. I threw in a ruler for good measure.” Sayings



“A problem shared is a problem halved. Unless you tell a woman.” Sayings



Who’s Billy and why does he have no mates? Sayings



I’ve just come back from America, similar to here but it’s the little differences that make it interesting. They say color, we say colour; they use z’s where s’s should be; the pavement is called a sidewalk; pancakes are apparently for breakfast and ‘save’ means ‘blow up with grenades’. Sayings



Shouldn’t have cut the opening 3 subjects from my film: ‘Best Acronyms: A-Z’. It’s gone straight to DVD. Sayings



“The pen is mightier than the sword… … as Joe Pesci comprehensively proved in Casino.” Sayings



“I brought a giant ladle with a picture of the union jack on it into the Indian restaurant where I Work. It caused quite a stir.” Sayings



“I’m finally going to see that new Justin Timberlake film. It’s about Time.” Sayings



“There’s still life in the old dog yet.” I said dumping my Neighbors crippled, half conscious dog on their porch after hitting it with my car.” Sayings



“I’m not a poet, And I know that…” Sayings



“If tomorrow turns out anything like today. It will gradually get darker towards evening.” Sayings



I ran over a pheasant on the way to Work the other day, cut it right down the middle. It wasn’t sport, but it’s definitely a game of two halves. Sayings



“When God closes a door, he opens a window.” Clearly, God doesn’t plan on holidaying in Portugal.” Sayings



“Fool me once, shame on me… Fool me twice, shame on me… Fool me 3 Times… Yeah, this Alzheimer’s is worse than I first thought.” Sayings



“It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in” Unless you’re a Muslim, then they bury you in a sheet….. if they can find the bits….” Sayings



I used to love playing Hide and go Seek with my watch, but I just can’t seem to find the Time anymore. Sayings



“My mum says I need to tackle my Gephyrophobia. I told her I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” Sayings



“Just seen a fight between an Auctioneer and a Hairdresser.. They were going at each hammer and tongs.” Sayings



“A nagging wife is like a dripping tap… Until the plumber comes around and fixes it.” Sayings



“I was learning about gravity the other day. It’s very down to Earth.” Sayings



“I went on a date tonight, she turned up well over dressed. Clothes on.” Sayings



“Home is where the heart is” The police then took me back to my cell as the murder investigators went to my house.” Sayings



“My pompous Neighbor once said “War is never the answer” So I asked him “What is a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state?” Sayings



“My death metal band ‘Abuk’ got sued the other day. Apparently you have to pay royalties when you record a version of a copyrighted song. In my defense, I told the court not to judge Abuk by its cover.” Sayings



They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn’t trade me a painting for my newspaper. Sayings



“My girlfriend told me she’s joined a theatre group just for blondes. Fair play to her.” Sayings



An alcoholic is someone whom you dislike that drinks as much as you do. Sayings



“My wife is leaving me because she says I over complicate everything I say. Well it’s safe to say I am a rabbit of negative euphoria.” Sayings



“Sliced bread. The best thing since chopped up mammoth.” Sayings



“I often go out with a list of insults written on my sleeve. I’m never stuck for an off the cuff remark” Sayings



Just met up with a thirty something girl from a dating website. Turns out it’s stone. Sayings



“I just had to shut down my new restaurant ‘The Broth’. I hired too many cooks and it spoilt it.” Sayings



Once you go Asian, you get disappointed and return to Caucasian. Sayings



“Here’s looking at you kid” Which is why I’m now in jail for pedophilia.” Sayings



“Cannibals love a good bargain. If you offered a cannibal a buy-one-get-one-free he’d bite your hand off.” Sayings



Quite often I just go into the street tuck myself into a ball and do roly-polys all the way to the corner. Sorry, if that seems too urban for you guys but that’s the way I roll. Sayings



“They say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. They’re right, ever since I left my wife, I’ve never been happier.” Sayings



“I tell you who I don’t get. Big breasted, blonde nymphomaniacs with bags of cocaine knocking on my door.” Sayings



“I’m told women hate their men to be ‘all show and no trousers’. Odd. That’s exactly how I like my women.” Sayings



Since I stopped blowing my own trumpet, I’ve become the world champion at hide and seek. Sayings



When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong – or absolutely right. Sayings



Great!! I’ve just discovered the number of wrongs that make a right! Sayings



When a hipster tree falls in a forest, it makes a sound, but you probably haven’t heard it before. Sayings



“I had a flute recital today. I blew it.” Sayings



“My mum was a firm believer in the phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it.”

Needless to say, I had some depressing birthday parties.” Sayings



“The strip of cloth used to make a Turban is 16m long. Why is probably why the phrase ‘‘I’ll eat my hat’‘ never really caught on with Sikhs.” Sayings



Wouldn’t going ‘behind somebody’s back’ be doing it in front of them? Sayings



“Living with my wife there is never a dull moment. It’s a continuous one.” Sayings



“How many mechanics does it take to change a Lightbulb? About 70…Judging by the amount they charge you.” Sayings



“‘Best thing since sliced bread’ As opposed to when people would jus ram a full loaf in their mouth….” Sayings



Whoever said “Behind every great man is a great woman” has obviously never seen the trailer for Human Centipede. Sayings



“I hate it when people make up random Sayings to sound interesting and different, I mean what’s the point? Might as well chuck a donkey on the bonfire!” Sayings



“I’m trying to figure out why my car is defying the laws of gravity. It’s really driving me up the wall.” Sayings



“give a man a fish and he will eat for a day give a man my wife for the night and he will smell like one forever” Sayings



“My friend started throwing other people’s bags around in the lobby I said ‘why you doing that?’

he replied 'because other people do it.' It was at that point I whipped out the cliché, and said, 'if those people jumped off a cliff, would you?' thinking he had no response. Alas, he replied with a grin on his face, 'yeah- my fall would be padded from all of the others on the ground!'" Sayings



“Clegg: I wanted to ‘wring’ banker’s necks”. Didn’t we all Nick. If only one of us had reached a position of political power, like say, Deputy Prime Minister, then we might have actually been able to do something about it.” Sarcasm



George Bush: “Suicide bombers: we are gonna find you – and we’re gonna make sure you don’t do it again…” Sarcasm



“Onions always make me cry for some strange reason. Most probably because when I was a kid an onion lorry ran over my dog.” Sarcasm



“Sarcasm. Yeah, THAT’LL Work.” Sarcasm



I just bought a new chair and inside was a packet of silica gel. Thank god it had ‘do not eat’ written on it as I was about to sprinkle it over my chips. Sarcasm



I have just told iTunes that I’ve read and agreed to their Terms of Service when I actually haven’t! I’ve never felt more alive!! Sarcasm



BBC NEWS – Fire cutbacks ‘put lives at risk.’ Oh, so that’s where I’ve been going wrong? Next Time my chip pan is blazing away, I’ll not waste the local fire stations Time, safe in the knowledge I have less chance of dying when the flames are free to burn away.” Sarcasm



“I’ve got myself into a little bit of debt and so I downloaded my Experian credit report.

It looks depressing but I’m sure paying 8 a month to view the page will get me out of debt quicker than using it towards actually repaying.” Sarcasm



“News: The Irish water crisis continues. Imagine how tragic it would be if the Irish had to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol to deal with their problems.” Sarcasm



“Opportunity” and “crisis” share the same word in Chinese. Which helps explain their involvement with so many African nations.” Sarcasm



“My mate said to me this morning, “Shall we go fishing after dark?” I said, “why don’t we go now while it’s day light, it’ll save waiting till tomorrow.” Sarcasm



“My wife says she’s leaving me because I’m sarcastic. I said, “That’s fantastic now I can post a style of joke that’s never been done before.” Sarcasm



“Now over to ITV for the Formula 1 Highlights – - The races starts,

- Vettel wins.” Sarcasm



“A civil servant goes to see the department head. “Why do you want a transfer now?” asks the department head. “You’ve been in the same job in the same office for 39 years!”

“I’m not sure,” says the civil servant, “I think it’s that wild and restless gypsy blood in me.” Sarcasm



“Submitting a joke here is like making a baby. You fire about 300,000,000 of your little fellas, but only one gets through every few years.” Sarcasm



“I just looked up “Retweet” in the dictionary and was quite surprised. It doesn’t mean attention seeker.” Sarcasm



“I told my mum I’ve been cycling into Work for a couple of years now

she said you want to be careful on those main roads’ wow, she’s opened my eyes to a whole new world of safety and caution.” Sarcasm



“I had a row with my girlfriend down the pub last night and ended up chucking my drink over her. Thank god I was only drinking Carling.” Sarcasm



“A ginger with friends? Yes, Chesney, you really are ‘The One and Only’.” Sarcasm



“Well my girlfriends pregnant again. She says if she was “big at the front”, then it would have been a boy. But because she’s “big all round”, that means it’s a girl. I said, “So have you been carrying her for the past 10 years then?” Sarcasm



“My mate asked me the other day, “What’s the most anticlimactic way to end a joke”

I wondered about it for a while before telling him I don’t know.” Sarcasm



“Lily Allen asked fans to “say a little prayer” following her second miscarriage.

Sorry Lily, I don’t pray to a God, that if he actually did exist, would allow little babies to die, and rapists to win the lottery after buying one ticket. So maybe I should, but there you go.” Sarcasm



“Following the explosion at a factory in Lincolnshire where 5 men were killed in what Police have described as an illegal alcohol factory, Police have raided another premises which has been manufacturing a cheap version of Carling. Police have told the public that they can recognize it by the label of “Fosters” Sarcasm



“Daily Mail ‘Family of albino Muslims terrorized after one of them marries a Christian man’ That’s just disturbingly weird and makes me sick to my stomach, who would want to marry a Christian?” Sarcasm



“What came first the chicken or the egg? The egg, I don’t have the chicken until dinner.” Sarcasm



Pizza Hut Double Pepperoni: Because three slices of pepperoni would just be overkill. Sarcasm



Sleepless nights, cold sweats, panic attacks and flashbacks are destroying my life ever since my accident…….or wedding as some call it. Sarcasm



“I reached across the table to get some cakes when my mother said: “That’s rude, have you not got a tongue?” I replied: “Yes, but my arm is longer.” Sarcasm



“I have never stopped anyone from saying woman can’t drive…. but god so help whoever tells them they can….” Sarcasm



“Yahoo News: “Derry awaits City of Culture result from Liverpool” It’s not like Scousers to take their Time handing over something they shouldn’t have had in the first place.” Sarcasm



Sarcasm: When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into life’s eyes, while smiling. Sarcasm



“Jo Yeates’ body was missing sock.” And, more importantly, a pulse.” Sarcasm



Hearing rumors of retaliation for attack on Fortnum and Mason: a mob of tweed clad old Etonians vandalize a Lidl in Slough. Sarcasm



“I’d just been out birthday Shopping and was sitting on the crowded bus home, when this little old lady asked me if I mind giving up my seat for her. I looked at her miserable face and heavy Shopping bags, and said “Yes, I do.” “Alright then,” she replied, “Just don’t expect any Christmas presents off me and your grandfather this year,”.” Sarcasm



I bought a baseball cap today, but every Time I put it on my head it rolls off. Sarcasm



“The wife suggested we go for a night out somewhere because we haven’t been out for ages. She said “How about going to the dogs one night?”. I said “Good idea, but I don’t really want to spend an evening around your mothers.” Sarcasm



“The RSPCA have released a statement saying the proposed Badger cull would be a “black day for Badgers”. They also said the holocaust was a “difficult Time for jews” and that the destruction of the entire human race would be “regrettable”.” Sarcasm



“Ill only invest in someone’s future when they have one” Thanks mum” Sarcasm



After all that’s gone on I must say, Dave’s “Hug A Hoodie” Worked superbly. Best thing to happen since sliced bread as they say. Sarcasm



“Apparently, the only question you can’t answer truthfully is ‘are you asleep?’. I suspect ‘are you dead?’ is also quite a tricky one.” Sarcasm



“Here’s an idea for in the future Greggs. Why not put a sticker on your ham salad sandwiches along the lines of: “May or may not contain traces of ham” Sarcasm



“It’s amazing how much a man changes when he’s trying to impress a lady” my wife said.

“True” I replied “but if I knew what you’d turn out like after I married you I wouldn’t have bothered with clean underwear or socks!” Sarcasm



“Have you heard of the new game African children have started playing? ‘‘Where’s Kony?’‘” Sarcasm



The UK, the driving force behind the Industrial Revolution, inventor of vast medicines such as Penicillin, winner of the world cup, conqueror of Napoleon and Hitler, the heart and soul behind the period of exploration, and our Eurovision song is more queer than the host, Graham Norton, and has the charisma of peanut. Rule Britannia. Sarcasm



“Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in a jail that is run by a Lesbian gang.

A former inmate of LA’s Century Detention Facility said “She’ll have to watch her back.”

Errr……… No…….. I don’t think it’s her back that’s likely to get the most attention…..” Sarcasm



Picking up paper with scissors, that’s something they won’t teach you in physics. Sarcasm



Trying to find a virgin is like looking for a white g string Sarcasm



If I had a pound for every Time I blink in a day, I’d probably have enough for a tank of petrol. Sarcasm



“I’ve just brought my mate a 10 B&Q gift card… You never know when you might need a broom and three screws.” Sarcasm



“I was sitting relaxing watching TV when my mate asked, “If you could do it all over again. Would you do anything different?” “Yes.” “Really? Which part? What would you change?” He asked excitedly “My answer to No.” Sarcasm



“Just driven past a garage and saw a sign that read “cars bought for cash” Shame that, all I want is a couple of magic beans for mine” Sarcasm



Great Almond Street. Apparently there’s a big nut-house there… Sarcasm



GCSE MATH QUESTION 2010 Ted walks into to JJB to buy some trainers. After choosing some trainers from the small selection of shoes he is offered help by a shop Worker. The shop Worker then disappear out the back for half an hour looking for the shoes. After several Times of the shop Worker bringing back the wrong size Ted finally gets his shoes. How many pairs of pointless extra laces will he be offered before he can leave the shop?” Sarcasm



Thank god for the ‘Playstation Move’. I’ve been waiting for a remote which gives users the opportunity to control a game through physical movement. I wonder where the idea came from? Sarcasm



“My fridge has broken down and the engineer cannot come out until next week due to the freezing weather conditions outside. Great, warm beer all Christmas for me.” Sarcasm



“I’ve just told the wife I have taken out a hefty life insurance policy. “Is that to plan for the future?” she enquired. “Sort of” I replied. “I thought it was a good idea seeing as you have started cooking lessons” Sarcasm



If Rebecca Black had released her song today, on a Friday, we would have just laughed it off and say it was an April fool. Sarcasm



“Tesco: ‘Try Our New Handmade Sandwiches Today’. As opposed to the other sandwiches which they made with their feet.” Sarcasm



“I’ve never really got why people congratulate me on my birthday. It’s basically saying “Well done! You’ve managed to make it another year without dying!” Thanks.” Sarcasm



“Sky Sports News: Haye lost because of a broken toe. Fair play to him; I once broke a toe and I couldn’t punch for weeks…” Sarcasm



The church of England showed today they really care, asking people to pray for the situation in East Africa, maybe if they sent the four million pounds they have in shares in news international, just might Work better. Sarcasm



“I’ll tell you who gets a bad press. Anyone who reads The Sun or Daily Star.” Sarcasm



Apparently a fifth of disabled adults say the Paralympics are patronizing. Ah bless. Sarcasm



“My fat, ugly wife rang the police, “I’m being stalked… I want 24hr protection.”

“We’ll be there shortly ma’am” they said. I don’t think they took it too seriously though.

Ten minutes later there was a noise outside, she opened the door and found a can of Sure on the mat.” Sarcasm



In other news, scientists are trying to figure out if those who believed the recent McDonald’s hoax have an IQ above 18. Sarcasm



“Good things come to those who wait” Unless what you’re waiting for, is customer service.” Sarcasm



“A judge has ruled that the SFA had ‘no right to impose a transfer embargo on Rangers FC.’

I suppose he’s right. After all, it was only 20 years of tax evasion.” Sarcasm



“I really have invented the world’s smallest violin, But everyone thinks I’m just being sarcastic!” Sarcasm



“What does lightning and a female Chinese boxer’s punches have in common.

Only one in a million strike you.” Sarcasm



“Dropped my phone down the toilet. Thankfully it’s a Nokia so it didn’t flush.” Sarcasm



“Right, let’s get this straight So close.” Sarcasm



I don’t buy sure as the adverts sound too sarcastic. Sarcasm



“Mark Duggan’s family must be really shocked by the scale of the riots his death has caused.

I bet they never realized he had so many friends up north.” Sarcasm



Rather than saying, “And here’s your receipt,” cashiers should say, “Will you throw this away for me?” Sarcasm



My mum’s just told me ‘this is not a hotel’. I was like ‘I know. I’ve been into the bathroom. I’ve seen how big the shampoo bottles are’. Sarcasm



“I bought one of those “Memory Foam” mattresses the other day, it doesn’t Work, I think it’s got amnesia.” Sarcasm



My mate called in for a beer earlier. We talked about going to the gym. I said physical fitness is a little weakness of mine. My wife popped her head around the door ,and said don’t forget to tell your mate about your other little weakness! Sarcasm



“Sky News ‘Great Train Robber Remains in Prison’ Well he can’t have been that great if he’s in prison.” Sarcasm



“I’ve started watching Bargain Hunt on the BBC recently, and it has got me really excited about the profits that can be made from dealing in antiques. I’ve just dropped the curator of the Louvre an email asking if I can buy the Venus de Milo for 100 – I hope he agrees, based on what I have learnt from the show I could get as much as 108 for it.” Sarcasm



“Me: in Nicaragua, beautiful women used to be thrown into volcanoes. Wife: you wouldn’t do that to me, would you? Me: I said beautiful women” Sarcasm



BBC News: “Missing tourist found alive in US.” On holiday, strangely enough.” Sarcasm



“My wife tried telling me that women are smarter than men…. “Is that why anyone with a high I.Q can join that club womensa….” Sarcasm



“A bully pushed me over in the playground today, and I grazed my knee slightly. Naturally, this means that I am now the future winner of the X-Factor 2012.” Sarcasm



“If Money does not grow on trees, why do banks have branches? So, they can hang their customers out to dry!” Sarcasm



“I bought some pajamas the other day, and when I got home I realized they had pockets. Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I’m asleep.” Sarcasm



I hate it when I don’t forward chain mail and I die the next day. Sarcasm



“Walked in the kitchen to see my dog at his water bowl earlier today. So, I quickly ran up and tried giving him a good shafting from behind. Before I could stop him, he turned and bit me on the hand. He can give it but he can’t take it.” Sarcasm



“So the arson attack that killed 6 children in Derby was started using petrol. Surely there was a cheaper alternative like throwing gold bullion through the windows.” Sarcasm



“How can you tell if a man suffers from low self-esteem and has no sense of self-worth?

He’s a house husband.” Sarcasm



“I don’t need to use Sickidates to find Mrs. Wrong. I’m already married.” Sarcasm



“Roughly, women go through the change at more or less the same Time in life. As soon as you marry them.” Sarcasm



I’ve won so much on the Euro millions, IE cannot display it!!!. Sarcasm



“Murder accused says he is ‘Crossbow Cannibal’ “Carlsberg don’t do defense strategies, but if they did, they’d be about as good as their beer.” Sarcasm



In France, they’ve always been very thoughtful about the environment. I mean even in 1624 Lodewick de 14e already thought about it. He designed the fountains in the palace of Versailles in such a way that only half of them Work at a Time. Sarcasm



Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder. Sarcasm



Some people are as complex as the pricing strategy at Poundland. Sarcasm



“Groundskeeper “Oy you, It’s against the law to fish around here”. Me “I’m not fishing-I’m teaching my worm to swim”.” Sarcasm



“My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m a “self-loving narcissist”. Jokes on her, ‘self-loving narcissist’ is redundant. I wouldn’t have made that mistake.” Sarcasm



“Woo! finally something for the trophy cabinet! That tiny little trophy will look huge in our cabinet. Right next to where they expected the world cup and the Wimbledon cup to sit…” Sarcasm



“I have just noticed a label on my new headphones that says ‘Insert headphones in ear’

There was me thinking it was a suppository.” Sarcasm



“TV advert for a home learning…. “I have just completed my creative writing course, the feeling is…. indescribable” Money well spent then!” Sarcasm



“Red Dead Redemption is so real… It’s like you’re really in Back to the Future part 3.” Sarcasm



How nice it was for Manchester City Council, to posthumously make the late Tony Wilson a Freeman of the City. It must be great comfort for his widow to know that Tony’s ghost can walk sheep and cattle over bridges, and carry an un-sheathed sword in public. Sarcasm



I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally, a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him “Are you the waiter who took my order?” The waiter replied “ yes sir, I am.” “Thats funny” I said, “I was expecting someone much older.” Sarcasm



Oryza sativa: So, good they named it rice. Sarcasm



I think whoever Works at the marketing teams for cigarettes needs to be told that “Smoking Kills” is the worst slogan I’ve seen in years. Sarcasm



I’m just logging on to Facebook to see who’s ill and who’s kids are ill. Sarcasm



I finally get this “big society” thing, David Cameron spends 680,000 doing up number 10 and I have earned 680 to keep my family of 3 for a month “we are in this together”. Sarcasm



“A staff member at Royal Mail had a birthday party last week, and me and a group of friends were invited. We turned up bearing no cards of gifts, just to show him what it feels like.” Sarcasm



I could look at you all day but the zoo shuts at 6pm. Sarcasm



English sport- we couldn't win an arm wrestle with Jade Goodys mum Sarcasm



“My wife left me because of my constant references to cowboys. This house wasn’t big enough for the both of us anyway.” Sarcasm



“I’ve just seen a bloke in the bookies bet on Stephen Hawking’s to win the next series of the X Factor. Well, he might as well have. He backed Team GB to win a medal in the 100m and 200m races at the Olympics.” Sarcasm



“Where do yahoo get their headlines from? I just read “Dutch among lowest cannabis users in Europe…” What tomorrow? “America has the lowest BMI on the planet…” “Britain has the least migrants in the world…” “Muslim women catch the most sun…” The mind boggles!” Sarcasm



“Just yesterday I was asking my girlfriend how she thinks OJ’s life would have panned out if he were white… But “apparently” being BLACK doesn’t MAKE you a MURDERER.” Sarcasm



Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go! Sarcasm



“I was walking through the park with a mate when he cried out “Ouch! A bug just flew into my left eye! What are the chances!” “Precisely 1 in 2.” Sarcasm



BBC News: “The most comprehensive Statistics published so far on the August riots in England show that those who took part were poorer, younger and of lower educational achievement than average” They really hit the nail on the head with this one…” Sarcasm



“My girlfriend came into the living room and asked, “Has somebody been clipping their toenails into the bath?” “You mean apart from me?” Sarcasm



“My wife just gave birth to our first son after an arduous 23 hour labor. Glad I wasn’t paying her by the hour.” Sarcasm



“Dear Walkers Crisps, your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?” Stupid


  1. “My mate told me that I just don’t understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the Time.” Stupid



“My mate just said to me, “If you became invisible, what would you do first?” I said, “I’d go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he’d get would be astounding.” Stupid



“I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.” Stupid



Just finished reading the fifth book in the “learning to count” trilogy. Stupid



“I’ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible.

I’m still Working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.” Stupid



“They say the imagination is unlimited? Describe to me a completely new colour….” Stupid



“My dad gave me a riddle yesterday. He said, “Now then Steven, I am my father’s brother’s daughter’s only cousin. Who am I?” That really confused me. I’m called Dave.” Stupid



“I don’t know why people were giving me strange looks down at the beach just because I was wearing flip-flops. My ears were cold.” Stupid



“My wife approached me today and said, “I’m leaving you” I replied, “Actually, you are approaching me” Stupid



I’ve just bought a pack of Brownies at auction for 500 – nearly half the guide price. Stupid



“I just got a letter through the post. Another 25 days and I’ll have the whole alphabet.” Stupid



“I don’t know how we managed without the internet. In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.” Stupid



“Earlier in the week, I saw a sign saying, ‘Tiredness can kill’. I’m finding it very hard, but I haven’t yawned in 4 days.” Stupid



Why do girls with lovely blonde hair dye their roots black? Stupid



“My mate got arrested at a football game last week and called me to arrange for bail. I asked him, ‘On what grounds did they arrest you?’‘ He answered, ‘Old Trafford.’‘” Stupid



“I’ve recently started Work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day. I don’t know why I need a big truck, most of the Time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about.” Stupid



“I was at the gym this morning, and I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat. Tomorrow I might switch it on.” Stupid



“How do you make a vegetarian chili? Steal his coat.” Stupid



“I got home from Work and there was a note on the kitchen table from my wife. It read: ‘Gone to see a Psychiatrist, your Brussel’s sprouts on toast is in the washing machine.’” Stupid



AOL News: Earthquake shakes England’s south coast Witness: “It felt as if a big lorry had gone by in a hurry, except we don’t have lorries go through here.” How would he know then?” Stupid



“People say you shouldn’t joke about 9/11 because of all the people who died. Well, if any of the 3,000-affected want to complain they’re welcome to.” Stupid



“I’ve just tucked my shirt in. I don’t know why I put it to bed so early.” Stupid



“The wife keeps complaining that I’m spending a lot of Time smoking crack. Well she’s wrong. Yesterday I spent ten hours chasing a miniature elephant around my living room.” Stupid



“I just called Cancer Research and said, “I would like to take part in your next Race For Life event dressed as a chicken.” “Sorry, sir” she replied, “But you have to be a woman.”

“No way” I said, “It’s a chicken or nothing.” Stupid



“The Police stopped me in the car earlier. “Couldn’t help noticing your dog sir.”

“With his head stuck out of the window?” I replied, “All dogs love doing that in the car.”

“Very true sir,” he nodded, “Just never seen one do it whilst he was driving before.” Stupid



“Saw a sign at the doctors. TIME WASTED THIS WEEK DUE TO UNATTENDED APPOINTMENTS: 12 HOURS Fair play to them! If a customer doesn’t show up, why not get drunk?” Stupid



BBC news: 1-million-dollar coin sells for 4 million at auction. I can’t help but feel they got ripped off.” Stupid



“I’ve just phoned an ad up out of the local paper. “Wanted: Car seat for children ages 3-6” Apparently, it wasn’t a swap deal.” Stupid



I saw a beautiful golden eagle sitting in a nest today when I thought ‘he looks angry, I should probably get out.’ Stupid



“Apple has released a new app that allows iPhone users to greet each other. It’s called the iFive.” Stupid



Even with barbecue sauce, this barbecue tastes terrible. Stupid



“For me, the sixties ended the day I sold my old camper van. December 31st, 1969.” Stupid



“Listen to me carefully, I will say this only once. This.” Stupid



“There was an out of date pint in the fridge at Work and I told them I would take it home for my cornflakes, but replace it with some fresh the next day. You can’t believe the fuss they made about it at the blood bank.” Stupid



“Ive just bought my girlfriend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.” Stupid



“My wife doesn’t know much about football. This morning, she asked me, “What was the England score?” I said, “0-0.” She said, “Oh. What was the score at half Time?” Stupid



“What do you call a pedophile on a bike? Cycle Jackson.” Stupid



If the theory of evolution was really true, wouldn’t you think by now Ethiopian children could catch flies with their tongues like lizards? Stupid



“Hosepipe ban for households. Water cannons likely to be used by police. All welcome to join the protest on my front lawn.” Stupid



“Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Knees and toes. For people with extreme dandruff problems.” Stupid



“My job is really stressful, every day I have to deal with murderers, terrorists and rapists. I’m starting to regret ever opening a balaclava shop.” Stupid



“Dad, the boys at School have been calling me Girlie Boy.” “Why you letting them get to you son….is it that Time of the month again?” Stupid



“A friend hooked me up with a blind date last night. I was waiting outside the station, and decided to give the woman I was meeting a call. “Hey, where are you?” I asked.

“Just coming out of the station now.” she replied. “Oh, you can probably see me, I’m wearing a blue T-shirt.” I told her. “I can see two men in blue T-shirts, which one are you?” she asked. My heart sank a little, and my expectations dropped, as I replied with a sigh… “I’m the one on the phone.” Stupid



“My math teacher once asked, “See how many Times you can take 7 away from 700?”

I must have done it nearly a hundred Times… and still got 693 as the answer.” Stupid



“Elvis Presley died 35 year ago today. It really got me thinking. What sort of Time travelling paradox machine does he own?” Stupid



“My son just told me what my wife had got me for my birthday ‘as a prank’. A broken trumpet. I didn’t like the sound of that.” Stupid



“Have you ever been caught sniffing your mums knickers? You must be good at it then!” Stupid



“My wife is divorcing me for being Stupid. I know I’m not the sharpest star in the sky but I’m not Stupid” Stupid



“I’m not using eBay anymore. I bought tape measure for 20p: it says ‘NEAR’ at one end and ‘FAR’ at the other.” Stupid



“I got run over by a mobile sperm bank. I didn’t see it coming.” Stupid



“I went to our local cannibal restaurant last night and ordered the ‘Baby Food Special’..

I love the platter of tiny feet” Stupid



“My wife said, “You’re living in the past” I said, “That’s not what you said yesterday” Stupid



“I’d jokingly told my wife that I wanted a Lamborghini for my birthday. When I got back from Work on the big day, all I could smell was Indian food. “I couldn’t find a Lamb Borghini”, she said,”… so I hope a Lamb Bhuna is OK..” Stupid



“I was driving into Work today, when I saw a car wrapped around a lamppost. I thought. That’s just taking remembrance too far… What’s wrong with a bunch of flowers?” Stupid



“My wife likes nothing more than to curl up with a good book. So, I’ve bought her a copy of Advanced Contortionism.” Stupid



“My son’s School teacher rang me today. “Your son didn’t turn up for School today?” he exclaimed. “Well, he’s being bullied,” I replied. “Really?” he gasped. “Tell him to come and see me and we’ll sort it out.” “He’s locked himself in his room,” I replied. “I shaved his eyebrows off and shat in his bed.” Stupid



“Little Johnny walked into the house shortly before noon. “Johnny,” his mother cried, “what are you doing home from School so early?” “I got the right answer to the question,” said Johnny. Looking confused his mother asked, “Which question was that?” “Who put glue on teacher’s chair?” Stupid



“I joined 3 golf clubs today. Now I can practice my putting in the garden from the upstairs bedroom window.” Stupid



“Do you accept cards as payment?” I asked the lad in the takeaway. “Of course, Sir”, he replied, smiling. “Great”, I replied, “this one is an old birthday card.” Stupid



Does anyone else think the queens head looks like a coin? Stupid



“I’ve just been to the Auctioneer’s but they were closed. There was a sign in the window that read: “Going, going, gone to lunch.” Stupid



“I gift wrapped a baseball bat with birthday paper and ribbons. My girlfriend didn’t really know what hit her.” Stupid



It was a dark and stormy night and all the lights were out, then there was a tap on the window. What a Stupid place to put a tap. Stupid



“I’ve often heard it be said that it’s the little things in life that count. Like calculators?” Stupid



“My wife complained that I never do any decorating around the house. So, to shut her up I got stuck in for two days solid, and I must say the place looks much better. It’s amazing the difference a bit of tinsel can make.” Stupid



“Whenever I dance around in my living room wearing a nappy, holding my cat and smoking a cigar, my Neighbor stares at me through the window. I think he must be a bit of a weirdo.” Stupid



“My German Neighbor had a blast from the past today. He was digging in his garden and plunged straight into a buried Doodlebug.” Stupid



I’m a member of the illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover. Stupid



As I sped home from Work breaking every Red Light on the way, I thought to myself, “I really should put this Baseball Bat down and get myself a Car.” Stupid



“I went to my first football match the other day. I wasn’t keen: it was so noisy; I couldn’t even hear the commentary.” Stupid



“11-11-11 The only date this century that looks like a fence.” Stupid



“I launched my own clothing line last night. I knew I should have taken the washing in before setting the fireworks off.” Stupid



“My Neighbors obviously really enjoy my late-night guitar playing. They smash my windows through, so they can hear me more clearly.” Stupid



A ghost walks through a bar… Stupid



“Every night I have to endure hearing my Neighbors arguing through the wall. I have no idea why one of them has to come around my house to do it.” Stupid



“Top Recession Busting Tip: Don’t waste your Money on an ‘A to Z’ when you only ever go from A to B anyway.” Stupid


#11288 "67% of Americans are Stupid. I belong with the other 13%" Stupid



“Working as an usher during the Gorillaz opera, I was showing people to their seats.

“Where is it?” a woman asked, as she followed me. “It’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s there!” Stupid



“Dog walkers are definitely a jinx. Whenever a dead body is found, there’s always one nearby.” Stupid



“Found a wallet. If your VISA card is 4678 2345 2828 9001 exp. 11/12 CVV 810

get in touch as I’ve also got your I.D. and business cards.” Stupid



“My father always told me to switch off lights as I leave a room. Why do other people take it so personally?” Stupid



“I got into a taxi and started shouting ‘Stop, don’t drive, stay here!’ ‘That type of language won’t get you anywhere’, the driver said.” Stupid



“When I was a toddler my dad spent all of his Time inventing new products for kids my age. He even went to the extent of fixing wheels to the bottom of a plastic bowl. Used to drive me potty.” Stupid



“When my Workmate never showed, the boss asked “Can you do the Work of two men?”….“Of course I can,” I said “but it will take me twice as long.” Stupid



“After a lot of interest, I had a concrete offer made for my car last night. I turned it down though. I’ve decided to wait until someone offers me cash.” Stupid



I may not know much about sport or geography, but if England can only beat Belgium by one try to nil, what chance have we got against the other African teams in the Ashes? Stupid



I’ve been teaching my dog how to count. I said “Rover, whats three plus two minus five”? and Rover said nothing. Stupid



“After my girlfriend’s father died we decided to get married stood on his grave. Well he did say I could marry his daughter over his dead body.” Stupid



“I bought a packet of those ‘Everlasting Gobstoppers’ as a child, and twenty-five years on they’re still going strong. On closer inspection, it turns out I actually bought a packet of marbles.” Stupid



“I told my mate that my wife was pregnant. He said he didn’t think I had it in me.

I don’t think he understands how babies are made.” Stupid



Ever since acquiring my u-shaped binoculars things really have been looking up. Stupid



“My wife said to me, “You are literally too Stupid to insult.” I said, “Thank you.” Stupid



Two grains of sand in the desert, turn to each other and say, “Busy here, innit?” Stupid



“I always like to keep a bat under my bed. Just in case someone wants to come along and film a nature programme.” Stupid



“Apparently changing your name to “The Terminator” is enough to get you fired. Gynecologists are way too serious.” Stupid



“I had a running race with a disabled bloke last night. As he was running I noticed that his arms fell off. Then his legs, then the rest of his body. He finished just ahead.” Stupid



“Earlier today I saw a blonde grabbing at the air above her head. She was collecting her thoughts.” Stupid



“My friend suggested I should prepare for the brutal lighting storms we’ve been forecast.

So, I’ve changed my name to “Twice.” Stupid



“My wife gave birth to our baby son today, and I’ve named him after my father. She wasn’t too impressed with the name, ‘The Milkman’, though.” Stupid



“My girlfriend’s leaving me because I do everything for her. So, I hacked her Facebook account and defriended myself.” Stupid



“My brash, amateur magician brother said he could easily do the ‘catch the bullet between his teeth’ trick. That’s the first and last Time he’ll shoot his mouth off.” Stupid



I can’t see the category for blindness. Stupid



I can’t believe how Stupid people were in the Middle Ages, believing in witches and magic. Now excuse me, I have to forward this email, otherwise a dead baby will kill me. Stupid



“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my ability to shock.” “I’m not surprised.” Stupid



“Christ has risen and walks among us. Who you gonna call?” Stupid



“I was walking out of Asda when a guy with a Vodaphone jacket approached me “excuse me Sir, who is your mobile phone with?” I replied “It’s with me, in my pocket” as I briskly walked out the door.” Stupid



“I went to see my boss today and said, “I think we have a communication problem.”

He replied, “You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.” Stupid



“‘Government announces TV licenses to be frozen for 6 years’ .. I’m not taking any chances with a fine, mine’s in the freezer already.” Stupid



BBC News: Yemen bomb ‘defused just in Time’. What’s the big deal about that?

Every bomb I’ve ever seen on TV has been defused with one second remaining.” Stupid



I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday but as soon as I got them home they were off. Stupid



It must be so hard to be a navy pilot. How do they make the boats fly? Stupid



“I can’t believe my mate Paddy didn’t get caught robbing that bank yesterday.

Surely someone must have seen him driving the forklift down the motorway with a small building on it.” Stupid



I’ve just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed. Stupid



“I keep a clock in our henhouse. It’s my Chicken Tikka.” Stupid



“I’m going to be running a ‘football for giants’ league next year. I’ve just been elected president of FIFAFOFUM!” Stupid



“I hate people who batter seal cubs. They taste much better in breadcrumbs.” Stupid



“I jokingly said to my blonde girlfriend, “I got you a new solar-powered sunbed Darling.”

“Great! Where is it then?” “Outside.” “I can’t see anything.” She said, walking back from the window. “Seriously? You can’t miss it. It’s that big green square beside the path.” Stupid



“My Parrot is naked, upset and 5.50 richer. Who raffled his feathers?” Stupid



Hearing people use metaphors to express their mood really rattles my cage Stupid



I can’t begin to explain my fear of starting things. Stupid



“I was in a posh restaurant with my new girlfriend the other day. I tried to impress her by ordering our food in French, but the waiter was very rude, and didn’t seem too impressed with my efforts. I complained to the manager, who was very apologetic. He even offered us free prawn crackers with our buffet.” Stupid



“I’m going to report the local Natural History Museum to the RSPCA. From the looks of it, they haven’t fed their T-Rex for ages.” Stupid



“After just 2 days I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.

They gave me a 3million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.

I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.” Stupid



“I’ve brought one of those shower cubicles which can withstand 40,000 bangs before it will shatter. I am not happy… I only hit it 39,456 Times and it smashed.” Stupid



“I went on an 8-week course to cure my fear of spiders, but I quit after the 5th week.

Now I’m afraid of tri-pods.” Stupid



“I fluffed my lines last night. That’ll teach me to hide cocaine in my sock.” Stupid



“I got arrested for indecent exposure, which I thought was a bit harsh, as I was only wearing a pair of underpants. They really do keep your head nice and warm.” Stupid



“My son said he wanted some drum sticks for Christmas. Fair enough, KFC’s quite cheap.” Stupid



“I love my cliché advent calendar. Every Time a door closes, another one opens.” Stupid



“I’ve just blown a trumpet. It didn’t move very far.” Stupid



“When we were alone in the kitchen the other day, I asked my sister-in-law what she wanted for her birthday. She leaned in close and whispered that what she really wanted was a good roger ring. So far, I’ve been to Hinds, H. Samuels, Argos, and Ernest Jones, and no-one knows what they are. She’s gonna be really disappointed…” Stupid



“I’ve just bought my wife a window for her birthday. It’s just like the one that she pointed to in the high street last week.” Stupid



Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I’ve been drinking this lovely orange juice from there. Stupid



“Brit: Are you going to the London Olympics in 2012? American: That depends, where’s it being held?” Stupid



“My mate said, “If you were stuck on a desert island, what’s the one thing you couldn’t survive without?” I said, “Oxygen”.” Stupid



“I was taking a shower this morning, when I thought to myself… Shoplifting is not a talent of mine.” Stupid



“Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.” Wordplay



“I was only young when I learned to count. It was odd at first, even then.” Wordplay



“I’m sick and tired of radical Muslims getting all the attention in the media. What about all the awesome Buddhists, gnarly Hindus and most excellent Jews?” Wordplay



When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 007? Wordplay



“I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor but that’s another storey.” Wordplay



“I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I’d better lilo.” Wordplay



“Ramadan. Putting the slim back into Muslim.” Wordplay



Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers. Wordplay



“What’s worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding a vein in your sausage.” Wordplay



“People who are opposed to bringing back capital punishment, often argue that the death penalty has no effect on re-offending rates. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve lost count of the number of Times I’ve been mugged by a corpse.” Wordplay



“I was recently asked about my views on euthanasia. I said they all look the same to me.” Wordplay



“You invented Tipp-Ex, didn’t you? Correct me If I’m wrong….” Wordplay



“Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. I won.” Wordplay



“I make 1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows. I invented Norton Anti-virus.” Wordplay



“My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second. I managed to watch the whole of the snooker world championships in less than a minute.” Wordplay



I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. . Wordplay



“Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award? He was outstanding in his field.” Wordplay



Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction: 12 injured, 4 pasta way. Wordplay



“People call me Mr. Compromise. Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it.” Wordplay



“I spent some Time at my wife’s grave earlier. She’s not dead – she thinks I’m digging a pond.” Wordplay



“I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?” I replied, “Hummus.” Wordplay



“Today, I walked into a restaurant. “Hi, is my table ready?” “No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?” “No, that’s okay.” “Great, take these to table six then.” Wordplay



“I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying. I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” Wordplay



“I don’t understand why anyone would set their washing machine at 40 degrees. Surely it would look neater in line with all the other kitchen units.” Wordplay



“Iron man. What a Fe male.” Wordplay



“I shot my paper boy this morning, I left his body slumped over his bag. His death was all over the news.” Wordplay



I’m very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why. Wordplay



“What’s pink and sounds terrible? Pink.” Wordplay



“I came downstairs this morning to see that my curtains were drawn. All the furniture was real though.” Wordplay



“I saw a sign in a car park saying, “Thieves want your sat nav!” I thought, “Well they can get lost.” Wordplay



“My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.” Wordplay



“An American army camp in Iraq has a homemade sign outside, it reads: -

“Second To None” British troops to have a sign: – “None” Wordplay



“Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner? I Know Iams.” Wordplay



“So, Kim Jong Il has died. For those Stupid people who don’t keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.” Wordplay



“It is said that brushing your teeth with the opposite hand stimulates brain activity in the morning. I tried it and stabbed myself in the back of the throat. Yes, I’m wide awake now.” Wordplay



I never let my children watch big band performances on TV. Too much sax and violins. Wordplay



“An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts. No more mist and ice guy.” Wordplay



“I saw a flying saucer this morning. It flew right out of my hand and hit the wife in the head.” Wordplay



“My television screen has gone black. Needless to say, it doesn’t Work.” Wordplay



“News from a week on the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.” Wordplay



“Nostalgia. It’s not what it used to be.” Wordplay



“My mate just burst into my room while I was busy Working and asked me what an electrical synapse in the human body was. The nerve.” Wordplay



“What’s a riot? Three dyslexics.” Wordplay



“I got fined by the council today for letting my dog foul in the park. He ran up and tackled a poodle from behind.” Wordplay



Blunt knives are pointless. Wordplay



So, what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Wordplay



“I’m turning Rastafarian, but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair… I’m dreading it.” Wordplay



“Drinking with a speech impediment? It’s whisky business.” Wordplay



“I found a hole in my trainer that’s big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I’m now banned from the gym.” Wordplay



“There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk. Up” Wordplay



“I asked my girlfriend if I could give her one, she said ‘Sure, be my guest’. So I gave her 0.2 instead.” Wordplay



“I’m going everywhere in a giant hamster ball. That’s how I roll.” Wordplay



“I lost a boy called Simon who I was babysitting for. When his mum came home she asked, “Where’s SI gone?” “Vietnam,” I said, tongue in cheek. I realize now that there is a Time and place for geography Puns.” Wordplay



“For London Fashion Week, they decided to cover the London Eye in camouflage. I couldn’t see the attraction.” Wordplay



“A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.

“You’ve really Excelled yourself this Time!” she says.” Wordplay



“I’ve been engaged quite a few Times, but never had the heart to get married. There’s been quite a few near Mrs.” Wordplay



“Tell you what floats my boat. Water.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend ended up with two black-eyes last night. I can’t believe she fell for the old boot polish on the binoculars trick.” Wordplay



“My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Which is why she will probably leave me and run off with a milkman.” Wordplay



“I Work with a guy called Mick Pratt, but most people just call him Prat. They’re clearly taking the Mick out of his name.” Wordplay



Does anyone else want to meet a police officer with the last name World? Wordplay



“If I was fighting the rock in wwf wrestling, I would take a piece of lined A4 with me into the ring. Everybody knows that paper beats rock.” Wordplay



“I went to pick up my photos today. The bloke said, “Sorry Sir, we can’t give them to you, they’re not fully developed.” I panicked and said, “Those are my nieces, it’s not what you think.” Wordplay



“I’m so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.” Wordplay



“Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph: “MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed” Wordplay



“What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows Work.” Wordplay



“I’m a firm believer in black power. That’s why I’ve swapped my farm machinery for some slaves.” Wordplay



Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. Wordplay



“What gets wetter the more it dries? A woman who really enjoys drying things.” Wordplay



“I’ve just had 40 winks on the train… I knew I shouldn’t have worn this pink t-shirt.” Wordplay



If I had a penny for every Time someone gave me their dog to look after, I’d have a pound. Wordplay



“I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days. It’s on its last legs now.” Wordplay



“Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away… or is it just one of Granny’s myths?” Wordplay



“9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it’s never been the same since.” Wordplay



Anyone who’s ever experienced Tesco should know that their famous slogan “Every little helps” is much more appropriate when you remove the first and last letters… Wordplay



“John Works for the AA. His wife’s just left him. He got mugged on the way back from the pub.

His house has just been burgled. He’s heading for a breakdown.” Wordplay



“I for one… …but that’s Roman numerals for you.” Wordplay



“So every cloud has a silver lining? Pff, tell that to the people Hiroshima.” Wordplay



“KuwaitI police investigating a deadly blaze at a wedding tent that killed 43 women and children say the ex-wife of the groom has confessed to starting it. They have charged her with arson within tent.” Wordplay



“I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’. Obviously, these people are fans of the metric system.” Wordplay



“I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine. He’s fine now.” Wordplay



“My mate asked me the other day if I fancied playing with some dirty old slag around the back of the steel mill. Very disappointing.” Wordplay



My internet bride got delivered today, she’s the WiFI always dreamed of. Wordplay



“What’s the difference between a circus act and some lap dancers? One’s a cunning array of stunts…” Wordplay



“I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day. He said, “Only if you make up the Time.” I said, “OK. It’s 35 past 50.” Wordplay



Do you know how annoying it is when people answer their own questions? Very. Wordplay



“My mum just texted me saying ‘call me ASAP’ I think I’ll stick to calling her ‘Mum’.” Wordplay



“I went to Boots and said, “Can I have a bottle of shampoo please.” The woman said, “Extra volume?” I said, “CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!” Wordplay



“Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that’s about the same.” Wordplay



“I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland. He replied, “It’s twenty clicks away, mate.” Things must be bad if they’ve started speaking dolphin.” Wordplay



“I won 10,000 on a scratch card last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on. “Well, I’m going to book a holiday for one.” “Oh goody” she screamed excitedly, “I can’t wait!” Can’t help thinking she’s misunderstood what I said.” Wordplay



I’m an Indonesian five-year-old and I made your PC. Wordplay



“I tied the knot with a beautiful young woman yesterday. Pity I’m an executioner.” Wordplay



“I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I’m making today and it said:

“Pineapples: five cubed.” I’m not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.” Wordplay



I love it when celebrities act like their name suggests, such as Lady Gaga or Princess Di. Wordplay



When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone. I was always on the receiving end….. Wordplay



“007, listen carefully, I have some fantastic Hi-Tech trainers for you.” “OK, what do they do?” “Erm nothing, but they were cheap.” Wordplay



“I used to be quite good at Wordplay. Once a pun a Time.” Wordplay



“God is talking to one of his angels. He says, “Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.” “What are you going to do now?” asks the angel. “Call it a day,” says God.” Wordplay



“Incest. Putting the relation into relationship.” Wordplay



“The other day a mate of mine hit me with a chocolate bar. How dairy.” Wordplay



A guy was arrested for groping a hotel receptionist. In court, his defence was: “When I arrived there, I drove through a gate marked ENTER, walked through a door saying PUSH, came to a desk with a bell that said PRESS and met a woman wearing a badge that said PAT.” Wordplay



“I went house hunting at the weekend. I went to see one house that had mirrors all over the walls.

I thought, “I can see myself living here.” Wordplay



I have no beef with vegetarians. Wordplay



“My oldest approached me today and told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, “Hang in there, son,” and pointed to the spare room.” Wordplay



If you cut a glow-worm’s tail off, would it be delighted? Wordplay



“I told my Chinese mate that I bought very cheap cigarettes that were shipped in from a foreign country. He said, “Is that Regal?” Wordplay



“I’ve bought a device that makes my wife come every Time. It’s a retractable lead.” Wordplay



At any Time, the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away. Wordplay



“What do you call a completely shaven black person? A smooth criminal.” Wordplay



If you were lost in fog, would you be mist? Wordplay



“Our Brazilian housekeeper is rubbish at making the beds. She’s very tidy downstairs though.” Wordplay



HMV to close sixty stores. Is this the Vinyl Countdown?” Wordplay



“I took a girl home from a club last night. As soon as we got inside the front door she was all over me like a rash, kissing me all over and rubbing her hands over my body. Leaning her mouth to my ear I could feel her hot breath as she whispered, “Time to show me how hard you really are.” Quick as a flash I punched her to the ground and kicked her teeth out.” Wordplay



“I’ve got a fear of two-letter words. I get scared just thinking about it.” Wordplay



“Sticks and stones may break my bones. Because I have Osteoporosis.” Wordplay



“I bought some biscuits yesterday, on the packet it said, “Store in a cool place.” So, I mailed them to Samuel L. Jackson’s house.” Wordplay



“I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realized it was darts night.

So, I did a 180 and left.” Wordplay



“My dog is a blacksmith. Every Time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.” Wordplay



“My mate has no hands. I feel for him.” Wordplay



“My bird thinks she’s a famous Thespian, because her minge is always being used in gynecology training videos. I think she’s ovary acting.” Wordplay



“I’ve just built a Working catapult. It’s disguised as a chair, so it tends to throw a lot of people.” Wordplay



"'100% Yes!' '1000% Yes!!' '1,000,000% Yes!!!' I wish the X Factor judges would stop trying to top each other... and just top themselves." Wordplay



“I bought a CD which was just the sound of water flowing. I didn’t like it though; it was too main-stream.” Wordplay



“It’s cruel that people make fun of the way Stephen Hawking talks. I use one of those voice boxes myself and can synthesize with him.” Wordplay



“My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…” Wordplay



“A contestant accused me of being an unfair gameshow host. Point taken.” Wordplay



“A lot of people are getting overexcited about today being 09-09-09, and I hear just about every club in the country’s having an “emergency services” party tonight. Personally, I’m waiting for 12-12-12, when I plan to spend all day carrying a microphone with me and doing a sound check wherever I go.” Wordplay



When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau. Wordplay



“I was in a mood earlier because the wife accused me of always trying to be clever.

After hours of awkward silence, she asked, “What’s the matter?” I replied, “It is the basic structural component of the universe.” Wordplay



“My wife made the allegation “I think you’ve had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch”. I said, “How can you say such a thing?” Wordplay



“In a bizarre publicity stunt, David Walliams and Matt Lucas have kidnapped the Who Wants to be a Millionaire presenter… Little Britains Got Tarrant” Wordplay



Don’t worry about infringing on corporate trademarks, Just Do It. Wordplay



There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Wordplay



BBC headline “McDonald’s loses hamburger case” Surely it would make more sense to carry hamburgers in a paper bag.” Wordplay



“Ten words, two commas, an exclamation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday…

They’re due to be sentenced next week.” Wordplay



“The other day, an attendant stopped me in a hospital car park to tell me, “You can’t park here. It’s badge holders only.” I replied, “But I have got a bad shoulder.” Wordplay



“Just had an African come up and try to get me to sign a charity sheet – when I said no he started to cry… …what an emotional black male.” Wordplay



“I saw this bloke, coughing and wheezing. Turns out he was a member of Team Rocket.” Wordplay



“Nigerian President Dies After Long Illness” This is definitely a bad week in politics if you’re Brown.” Wordplay



“My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.” Wordplay



"The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power.

I think they should stop over-reacting.” Wordplay



“I’m extremely proud of my essay about the wind. But it’s only a draft.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend was disappointed when I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when I found out she didn’t even play darts.” Wordplay



“I love playing chess at the park with old men. The hard part is finding 32 of them.” Wordplay



“It’s hard to say how much I love my family. That’s throat cancer for you.” Wordplay



There’s a fine line between hyphenated words… Wordplay



“Results day for my daughter and, like many parents, I’m more than a little nervous.

Is the baby mine?” Wordplay



“My doorbell rang this morning. I didn’t even know it had a phone.” Wordplay



Legitimate CD sales are killing piracy. Wordplay



“I was pulled over by the police today. “How fast do you think you were going, sir?”

“60mph?” I asked. “Try 135,” the officer replied. So, I shut the door and drove as fast as I could.” Wordplay



“I saw a good-looking woman walking down the street, so I gave her a wolf whistle.

“What’s this for?” she asked. I said, “If you see a wolf, blow on that and someone will come and rescue you.” Wordplay



“Since I was a 14-year-old lad, I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order, starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z. My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.” Wordplay



“I missed my bus this morning. I really shouldn’t get so senTimental about public transport.” Wordplay



“I took my girlfriend Eileen to an orgy party last week, you should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy’s midnight runners.” Wordplay



“I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, “Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?” So, I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone. So, as a result, there was no punch line.” Wordplay



“A guy challenged me to a drinking contest. Now, I’m not a big drinker, but boy can I eat. I replied, You’d definitely drink me under the table. But, I’d eat you under the table.” I now see my mistake.” Wordplay



“Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier. “Careful here,” says one of them. “My mountain guide fell down there last year.” “I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other. “Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.” Wordplay



“Yesterday I shot a little girl, held her under water for 5 minutes then hung her. I love the euphemisms of being a photographer.” Wordplay



I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero and it has amounted to nothing. Wordplay



“There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order… The police believe they’re still at large.” Wordplay



“Chuckle brother’s quotes aren’t at all catchy to me, to you?” Wordplay



“I asked my missus, “What do you want for your birthday, fatty?” She said, “Don’t get lippy.” Mascara it is then.” Wordplay



“I got caught shoplifting yesterday in Boots. I normally wear trainers.” Wordplay



“Never get stuck behind the devil in a post office queue. For the devil, can take many forms.” Wordplay


#11514“I just watched my daughter’s netball team play for a place in the under eleven’s final. What a semi.” Wordplay



“Golf: Putting the putting into putting.” Wordplay



“All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. I found it really hard to deal with.” Wordplay



“I hate it when I run out of Staples. So, do their security guards.” Wordplay



“I told my mate that, in order to get laid, I’d promised my girlfriend that I’d marry her in the summer. He said, “July?” I said, “Of course I did.” Wordplay



“I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig. It was pretty standard, but I got to the end and found there to be a twist in the tale.” Wordplay



“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said, “I?m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.” Wordplay



“I kept seeing a vegetable stall every day in the same place on my way to Work this week.

The disabled really shouldn’t be allowed to drive.” Wordplay



“So “Fe” is the elemental symbol for Iron and consists of the first two letters of the word “Female”? Now I understand why “Cu” is the elemental symbol for Copper.” Wordplay



"I saw a sign in a shop- 'Mosquito nets 10' I didn't even know bugs could play the lottery" Wordplay



A bartender drowned in a tidal wave of tonic water after a case exploded, he was schwepped away. Wordplay



“Who’s this slag ‘Ladesh’ I keep hearing about? Because everyone seems to bang her.” Wordplay



I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn’t quite have the same effect online. Wordplay



“I used to be a heroin addict until I started cutting my gear with washing powder.

Ive been clean ever since.” Wordplay



“I’ve spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it.” Wordplay



“Dying cats pink, what’s next? A Navy Seal?” Wordplay



Time travel is going to have been confusing. Wordplay



Finally managed a slam-dunk today. Tea everywhere. Wordplay



“I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution.” Wordplay



“I went for an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 showed up, It was overcast.” Wordplay



“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” Wordplay



“Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said, “Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.” Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humor?” Wordplay



“Graham Norton’s house burned down last night. It was a camp fire.” Wordplay



“What’s big, grey and doesn’t matter? An Irr-elephant.” Wordplay



“Me and another guy have been fighting for a woman’s affection for a while, and I finally mustered the courage to propose, with a huge inflatable sign saying “Will you marry me?” Unfortunately, my rival managed to pop the question first.” Wordplay



“UN-Staffed office bombed” Just as well there was no-one there then.” Wordplay



“I saw a billboard on the way to Work this morning that read “Future Events.” Well, that’s a sign of things to come.” Wordplay



I was going to start taking self-defense lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers Wordplay



“My mate Daniel wouldn’t believe me when I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.” Wordplay



“My son is being forced to smoke by our French exchange student. Pierre Pressure.” Wordplay



“I was telling the police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed. He asked, “Skimmed past your face?” I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” Wordplay



“My friend has not been seen for a week and has locked himself in his house! I thought he had OCD Turns out he actually had COD.” Wordplay



“It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic. The place was heaving.” Wordplay



The Anorexia Ward is the easiest place to pick up girls. Wordplay



“My favorite pick up line… ‘Pick that up’” Wordplay



“My three unwritten rules:



3.” Wordplay



“What is hard and six inches long? My pen is.” Wordplay



“I lost my watch earlier. I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the Time.” Wordplay



BBC News: ‘Mystery over flat victim’s death’ No mystery… Probably a steam-roller.” Wordplay



“The 62nd Emmy Awards I think the decision to cut the running Time down to a minute was a good one” Wordplay



“I start a new job in Seoul next week, I thought it was a good Korea move..” Wordplay



“I have a butler with a missing left arm. Serves ‘em right.” Wordplay



If I had a pound for every Time someone told me that I don’t understand common Sayings, then I would have quite a few stone. Wordplay



“I used to feed gorillas at Chester Zoo from a distance using a golf club. I’d drive them bananas.” Wordplay



“Like Madonna I’m trying to adopt a spaz and an African kid. One Down, one Togo.” Wordplay



My girlfriend criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat. Wordplay



“I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called “101 ways to improve your confidence”. I couldn’t buy it though, the guy at the till would have laughed at me.” Wordplay



I’ve gone off them a bit now but there was a Time when I used to really dig graves. Wordplay



“All black people should be killed by firing squad at birth .. Sorry, I meant racists. All black people should be killed by racists at birth.” Wordplay



If a cop comes up to me and says “papers”, do I win if I say “scissors”? Wordplay



“Some terms are really misleading. I went into the changing room several Times.

It was still the same.” Wordplay



Harper Seven is a pretty cool name, but if the Beckham’s had just used an anagram of it instead, it would be even sharper. Wordplay



“I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate. I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.” Wordplay



“I saw some tightrope walkers the other day. What a weird flavor for a packet of crisps.” Wordplay



“Instead of giving me a hand job, my girlfriend tried using her keyring… I felt like I was being fobbed off.” Wordplay



Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary. Wordplay



“A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims the WiI Game Boy he received isn’t what he was expecting.” Wordplay



“I was touched by my Granddad when I was a little boy. His tear-jerking tales of world war two were simply heartbreaking.” Wordplay



I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night Wordplay



“What’s eight inches long and makes my wife come? My thumb and middle finger when I click them.” Wordplay



‘‘Age is just a number’‘ – it’s quite clearly a word Wordplay



I have a dilemma. I want to help my wife stop smoking but I also have an overwhelming urge to set her on fire again. Wordplay



I have been Working in a mirror factory for years now. It’s what I’ve always seen myself doing. Wordplay



The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry Wordplay



I spent my day today protesting against the treatment of blacks, Muslims and Asians in this country, but the doctors at the hospital just would not listen. Wordplay



Without me, it’s just awesome. Wordplay



“My local petrol station had a letter stolen from its sign last night. They’re sending out an Esso S.” Wordplay



“Gymnasium” in ancient Greek means “naked exercise” but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First. Wordplay



“I just walked into my Sarcastic Anonymous club, five minutes late. They said, “Oh, nice of you to join us.” Wordplay



“Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend, but it’s taken her 5 days to hoover the house. Turns out she’s a Slovak.” Wordplay



The Grim Reaper came to my house last night and said it was my Time to go… I wasn’t going without a fight so I hit him over the head with my vacuum cleaner… I couldn’t help but think I was Dyson with death. Wordplay



“Billy: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed in London yesterday? Reese…what’s her face? Timmy: Witherspoon? Billy: No with a knife.” Wordplay



Vanessa Feltz is outraged that the News of The World has been intercepting her phone calls. She should be grateful – no-one else in their right mind would want to tap that. Wordplay



“I was taking down some lecture notes this morning when I thought: “I really must try harder with my Christmas decorations next year.” Wordplay



“Women’s genitals are not a “Phenomenon”. They’re just “For nommin’ on”.” Wordplay



“I was arguing with my girlfriend in Nando’s the other day when my best mate came over, grabbed the garlic bread and coleslaw from our table and ran off. I wish he would stop taking sides.” Wordplay



“I used to be really good at reading braille. But I lost my touch.” Wordplay



“Someone’s just tried to sell me a wristband “for the victims of the tsunami.” Wouldn’t they be better off with armbands?” Wordplay



“My father brought me up single-handedly. It’s not easy being the son of a pirate.” Wordplay



“I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call. Next morning, she rang and said, “what are you doing with your life?” Wordplay



If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear, would Greece help? Wordplay



I see Boomerangs are making a comeback. Wordplay



“I heard about that woman’s body that was found after she had been missing for several days… At least the family now know where she’s wheelie bin.” Wordplay



“After my mother-in-law was murdered by a gang of youths, my wife said she wanted to go and see the killers… As luck, would have it, I managed to get a couple of cheap tickets off the internet.” Wordplay



“I don’t mind Black kids, I’m a very choosy babysitter..” Wordplay



“I’ve bought two 100m tickets for the 2012 Olympics. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in.” Wordplay



“I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran. She’s an animal in bed.” Wordplay



“My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground. I couldn’t see the point.” Wordplay



“My Jamaican mate walked in on me doing a crossword. I said, “You have to help me. I need a ten-letter word meaning Great in ambition and scope. I’ve been trying to do this for two weeks.” He said, “Monumental.” I said, “No, I’m not, I’m just stuck on this one word.” Wordplay



I’m the kind of guy that when asked to spell something over the phone I say ‘G….for gnome’ just to throw them Wordplay



“Every Time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It’s called the Heineken Manoeuvre.” Wordplay



“I’m really worried as there’s been an explosion in Peshawar. I hope my naan’s alright.” Wordplay



I’ve got tickets for a concert for Love Music Hate Racism. I can’t wait, I love music, hate and racism, they’re three of my favourite things. Wordplay



“Me and my mates played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.

At half Time, they brought on a Chinese bloke. I thought to myself, he’s a yellow sub marine.” Wordplay



“My mate said to me about if you change the G and N around in ginger, we did laugh. God knows what a gigner is tough, but I didn’t want to seem Stupid.” Wordplay



“I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said, Survey crew ahead. I did. They looked okay.” Wordplay



“My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain. Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.” Wordplay



BBC News: Plans for reading tests at six. It’s a bit short notice, I usually have my tea then.” Wordplay



“Ever since I filled up my Zippo I haven’t been able to lift it out of my pocket. I think I need some lighter fluid.” Wordplay



Tattoos are great for preserving memories, otherwise I would have totally forgotten about that anchor. Wordplay



“Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand…… E – I – E – I – O…..” Wordplay



There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. Wordplay



“I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet. I’m viewing a live stream right now.” Wordplay



Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin. Wordplay



“I was hanging with a couple of friends this morning when I thought, these suicide pacts aren’t for me.” Wordplay



If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them? Wordplay



I’ll leave you with a word of warning. Beware. Wordplay



BBC news: Woman injured in Hammer Attack Stop…” Wordplay



“Have you ever had an accident at Work? Yes, my secretary is pregnant.” Wordplay



“I walked into a shop and said, “Ten Lambert please, mate.” The cashier said, “It’s not mate. My name is on my badge.” So, I replied, “Okay. Ten Lambert please, ASDA.” Wordplay



“I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday? She said, “I’ve bought you an Apple Mac.” Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I’m not cause…

My name is Mac.” Wordplay



“Just been in court and the judge told me “you will be jailed for twenty years for the heinous crime you have committed on a poor defenseless old woman who had no right to be treated in such a manner as you did in the middle of the night whilst she was sleeping alone in her bed”. “That’s a long sentence” I thought.” Wordplay



BREAKING NEWS IN THE CABINET RESHUFFLE My Xbox 360 games have been moved to the bottom drawer.” Wordplay



“Two pencils decided to have a race. They drew.” Wordplay



“I walked into the hairdressers today. The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”. Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.” Wordplay



“My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world. “Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back. I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?” Wordplay



“I used my burger van to ram raid a casino last night. There were chips everywhere.” Wordplay



“I’m a man stuck in a woman’s body. Rigor Mortis set in earlier than I expected.” Wordplay



“My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire. I’ve only got Ash now.” Wordplay



“I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.” Wordplay



“I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought, “Maybe it would be better if I put it in.” Wordplay



“My mate has invented a new hobby called “blindfold plane watching”. Can’t see it taking off.” Wordplay



“I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.” Wordplay



“I have got a bit of a reputation as a lady’s man in my local. All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.” Wordplay



“I’ve spent five frustrating days repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog. If it doesn’t Work soon, I might just have to take him to the vet.” Wordplay



I really hate people who express their views over the internet. Wordplay



“What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion.” Wordplay



“I was coming home from Work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back. Now that’s just virgin’ on the ridiculous.” Wordplay



“My wife left because she thinks I have an obsession with electricity. I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked…. it hertz me when you say stuff like that. Currently I’ve not been myself I admit, but it would help if you had some positive input in my life instead of being negative. But none of that matters any more, I’m going ohm.” Wordplay



“People used to tell me being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?” Wordplay



Clones are people two. Wordplay



“After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?” I said, “Go on then.”

Now I’m doing twelve years for a crime I didn’t commit.” Wordplay



The internet has become too politically correct. What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits. Wordplay



Once you go black, you probably should have changed the battery on your smoke alarm. Wordplay



“When Jonathan Ross signed up for a Twitter account, he was asked why. “I just wanted to tweet myself”, he said.” Wordplay



“A mate in the pub said,” I’ve just realised, your brothers Richard, Harold and Charles are all named after kings.” I said, “Yeah, so! What’s your point?” He said, “Nothing. It’s your round Burger.” Wordplay



“I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s Problem.” Wordplay



“What’s long, white, hard and forced into my daughter’s mouth every night? Her toothbrush.” Wordplay



“I read in the newspaper: ‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’ They must be linked.” Wordplay



“Some black guy broke into my house last night. Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.” Wordplay



Is anyone else tired, or is it just M.E.? Wordplay



I find nothing is quite so annoying as having someone carry on talking while you’re trying to interrupt. Wordplay



“I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.” Wordplay



“What are long, hard and delicious? Adjectives.” Wordplay



“I called the Samaritans once, saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help. They told me to stay on the line.” Wordplay



I’m planning a camping holiday but, I must say, I’m far from impressed with my travel insurance. It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I’ll no longer be covered. Wordplay



‘‘Safety first’‘ is a great phrase because it follows its own advice. Wordplay



“Inner city Sikhs. Putting the urban into turban.” Wordplay



“10 hikers killed in a landslide in the Himalayas. Now be honest, you didn’t expect Everest to be doing THAT today, did you?” Wordplay



“As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself, “My pringles are getting crushed” Wordplay



“I do not have an OCD over tidiness. I just wanted to clear that up.” Wordplay



“For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll, please.” Wordplay



“I put my chips on the table knowing that she was about to fold. She said, “Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out.” Wordplay



“Exercise programmed: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.

Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.” Wordplay



“Etc. A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.” Wordplay



“Threw a penny down a well today and made a wish. I wish….the police don’t look for Penny down this well.” Wordplay



“What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth? ‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’” Wordplay



“Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff. I’ve only got myself to blame: I rolled them far too thick.” Wordplay



“My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner. But someone let the cat out of the bag.” Wordplay



Barbie has an awful lot of nice miniskirts for a girl whose knees don’t bend. Wordplay



“My sister had a baby boy and she’s gonna name him Mark, but with a “C”. Cark.” Wordplay



“The wife served me my dinner last night. I’ve been cleaning mashed potato out the racket strings all morning.” Wordplay



"Apparently 80% of people who have cosmetic surgery are disappointed by the results. Which is a bit odd, because most of them look pleasantly surprised." Wordplay



You can’t just be cremated; you have to burn it. Wordplay



“I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so we had to cut the top off. Didn’t really mind, I’ve always wanted a convertible.” Wordplay



“To Err is human To Arrrr is Pirate.” Wordplay



“I’ve put in so many shifts where I Work recently that they’ve decided to fire me. Keyboard manufacturing isn’t as easy as it looks.” Wordplay



“Mein Kampf. Contains “Adolf humor” Wordplay



“What do you call a group of black people trekking around the north pole? The Arctic Monkeys.” Wordplay



“Protractors. Not recommended for amateur farmers.” Wordplay



“Harry Redknapp should definitely be the New England manager. If anyone can lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl it would be him.” Wordplay



“Sky News: Flood at Mine Traps 28 Chinese Workers. What were 28 Chinese Workers doing at yours in the first place?” Wordplay



“I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.” Wordplay



“I hated being a careers officer in Africa and having to ask… “So, what do you want to be IF you grow up?” Wordplay



“I’m stuck with one word on this crossword, the clue is a 10-letter word, similar to being silly” “Oh, well that’s ridiculous” “I know, I’ve been stuck on it for hours” Wordplay



“The Wife bet me fifty pounds that she could sing more football songs than me. I beat her. She had no Chants.” Wordplay



“I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a “4 × 4 specialists” so I pulled in. Apparently, the answer’s 16.” Wordplay



“The head teacher at my School called me in to his office today. He said “I’ve just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?” No, I’m irresponsible. That’s why I threw it.” Wordplay



“Little Leroy asks the teacher if he can have Monday off to go to his grandad’s funeral. The teacher says fine. Little Johnny puts his up and asks if he can have Tuesday off to go strawberry picking. The teacher replies that strawberry picking is no excuse for a day off School. Little Johnny says: ‘Why not? He’s off black burying!’” Wordplay



I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way I had cooked his steak. “Well done” is rare from a medium. Wordplay



Can anybody tell me where Jeopardy is? Apparently, there’s 1000s of jobs there. Wordplay



“I just found a note that says “Dial-a-Party” and a phone number. I believe this calls for a celebration.” Wordplay



“I was minding my own business when I thought to myself, “Maybe becoming a self-employed security guard wasn’t such a good idea.” Wordplay



“I pulled a cracker last Christmas. There’s a joke in there somewhere.” Wordplay



“Before we broke up, my last girlfriend screamed at me, “I never want to see you again!”

So, I replaced her eye drops with battery acid.” Wordplay



I’ve never understood decimals – I can’t see the point. Wordplay



“My wife has just texted me asking me to ‘do her’ tonight. I’m not looking forward to it, I’m useless at impressions.” Wordplay



I was making the bed this morning when I thought to myself, “That’s the last Time I buy a bed from Ikea.” Wordplay



“My wife dyed her hair today. She said, “What do you think?” I said, “It suits your look”.

She said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Your face looks like it’s died too”.” Wordplay



“I’m dating a girl who’s done Time. Tomorrow she’s doing the alphabet and, the day after, farmyard animals.” Wordplay



“Rambling. Jewellery for sheep.” Wordplay



“A man walks into a library and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.” Wordplay



“As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set, so I hide it under the duvet. No one will find it now; I’ve covered my tracks.” Wordplay



“I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.” Wordplay



“A salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?” I said, “It has to be affordable” He said, “I’m sorry sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.” Wordplay



“Chelsea star, Florent Malouda, has been quoted as saying that blacks and whites are perfectly equal and that blacks are not to blame for the London riots. Typical beliefs for a left-winger really.” Wordplay



“My wife told me not to come in her mouth. I gave her a right earful.” Wordplay



I know this guy who hangs around on the corners of maps. Legend. Wordplay



“Thousands of Blackberry’s have crashed. I bet that caused a jam.” Wordplay



“17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants. Roll on” Wordplay



“I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm with fingerless gloves… Any tips?” Wordplay



“I made breakfast in bed this morning. I spilt eggs and milk all over the sheets.” Wordplay



“I spent today trying to force as many road signs from the ground as I could. I pulled out all the stops.” Wordplay



“Some guy threatened to hunt me down and attack me with a pair of shock absorbers. He didn’t say when though – the suspension’s killing me.” Wordplay



“I just looked up myself on the Internet. Now my webcam smells of poo.” Wordplay



“My teacher handed me a blank piece of white paper. “Make a paper plane,” she said.

“It already is,” I said.” Wordplay



“I’ve managed to run over 8 Muslim women in the last 6 days…. That makes me officially, Leicester’s new drive through Burka King.” Wordplay



My opinion on fishmongers? Selfish. Wordplay



“I Work in B&Q and this guy came in shouting and swearing about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall. Needless to say, I showed him the door.” Wordplay



“Magners Cider makes me feel really good “There’s Methadone in the Magners” Wordplay



Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that’s rare. Wordplay



I used to keep poking myself in my eyes, but don’t worry, I can’t see myself doing it again Wordplay



“I’m in dispute with Sky at the minute as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.” Wordplay



“I like to tell women that I’m responsible for a large team of web designers. I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit that’s infested by spiders.” Wordplay



“I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex drove past and threw a can of paint through my window. I hate it when women get emulsional.” Wordplay



“I just blew a speaker in my car! That might seem a little extreme, but he really did give an excellent presentation.” Wordplay



It’s probably a good thing Charles Xavier didn’t use his first initial for his band of mutant misfits. Wordplay



“The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo. I thought, that’s Aboriginal.” Wordplay



“Went to a seafood party last night. Pulled a mussel.” Wordplay



“I had some Time to kill yesterday. So, I went round to the mother-in-law’s.” Wordplay



Laughing at jokes about the Holocaust is very low. Much like the Jewish population in the 1940s. Wordplay



"My girlfriend is temperamental. That's 50% temper and 50% mental." Wordplay



“I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’ I’m thinking of pitching it on Dragon’s Den.” Wordplay



“My mate’s always boasting how he once had to shuffle 52 packs of cards and then distribute them equally between 4 people. Big deal.” Wordplay



“What do you get if you eat a Blackberry? A Bluetooth.” Wordplay



“I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I’d try to lighten Mahmood…” Wordplay



Tom Cruise: taking the art out of being a ‘bartender’ since 1988 Wordplay



“How could they tell that the bodies under Fred West’s patio were women? Because they had foundation on.” Wordplay



“The wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. Then at Work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went around to my mum’s place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me. Honestly, woman take me for a right mug.” Wordplay



“They say being a hostage is difficult… …But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.” Wordplay



“I’m an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam.” Wordplay



“I was chatting to a couple of girls today. I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”. One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.” I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.” Wordplay



“After feeling a little depressed lately, I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher. I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.” Wordplay



It’s not hard getting to Work in the snow, you just need a bit of grit. Wordplay



“I don’t like roller-coasters. I’d rather my coffee was sat still on the table.” Wordplay



After the N’teenth Time of my nan ridiculing me for being a virgin, I lost it with her. Wordplay



My garden is only 36 inches wide, More like a yard Wordplay



“On holiday, I was approached by two shady looking characters. They sold me a lovely parasol.” Wordplay



“What do pikeys and wheat have in common? They are both in bread.” Wordplay



“I said to my mate, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide. “He said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” I replied.” Wordplay



“I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, we just give you what you deserve.” Wordplay



“My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend, who he says is from Eastern Europe. I looked at the picture and said ‘she looks nothing like a frog.’ ‘What are you on about?’ He said. ‘I told you she’s a Tad-Polish.’” Wordplay



“Is nothing built in Britain nowadays? I got a new TV the other day and on the box, it said it was ‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.” Wordplay



I’m sick of watching all this rubbish on the news about some killer, I would turn it off but no one can find the dam Raoul Moat. Wordplay



“Katie Price and Amir Khan ‘Close’ Alex Reid heard that Khan fingered Katie. He said to Khan, “Okay, the gloves are off.” Khan said, “No they weren’t.” Wordplay



“I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub. He seemed like a decent feller.” Wordplay



Animal Puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm. Wordplay



“For sale. Modified DeLorean DMC-12. No Timewasters.” Wordplay



Advice if you’re intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself. Wordplay



“I’ve opened an online dating company especially designed for deaf mutes. It’s called ‘The Conversations Ltd.’” Wordplay



“I travel the land, Asking rides from kind strangers: I’m a hitchhaiku.” Wordplay



“Why do they take organs from pigs and give them to humans? Because pigs can’t play organs.” Wordplay



“My grandfather is a Cold War veteran He can’t afford to put the heating on.” Wordplay



“I walked past some joggers in the park today. They weren’t very fast.” Wordplay



For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made to Scale). Wordplay



I was taking some notes the other day, when I was arrested and escorted from the bank. Wordplay



“Now, for my next trick, I’m going to turn this Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size… Watch…” Wordplay



“Boris Johnson. Putting the ROFL into Mayor of London.” Wordplay



“I’m in a heavy metal band. I play lead.” Wordplay



“I just had a haircut. Might get all the other ones cut tomorrow.” Wordplay



“I was taking part in a quiz, on the final question I was asked, “For 10,000 name 5 popular idioms.” I said, “Oh dear, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew, I’m not going to beat around the bush, I don’t know what an idiom is. I could have a go, but it would just be a stab in the dark. If I was to go for broke and win the ten grand, that would be the icing on the cake, but I think I will cut my losses and take the 5,000 and run.” Wordplay



“Against my advice, my daughter has just gone to a bukkake party. Oh, well, on her own head be it.” Wordplay



“My football team’s undefeated in 30 games this season which were all 4-1 with one 4-4.

I love playing for the Musketeers.” Wordplay



I feel that geographical Puns are beneath me; there’s Norway I’d go Oslo as that. Wordplay



“My hands are like the Rain, they make you wet! Mine are like onions” Wordplay



“I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn’t pleased.” Wordplay



“I arranged to meet someone last night for some No Strings Attached fun.. I was bitterly disappointed when Pinocchio turned up.” Wordplay



Anyone want to buy a pack of Polos? They’re in mint condition Wordplay



“I filled my car up with petrol this morning. Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.” Wordplay



Optimistic: Optimus Prime’s psychic brother. Wordplay



“I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.” My Neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?” I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.” Wordplay



“My mum hates it when I call my stepfather Bernie. He’s pretty sensitive about the scars, apparently.” Wordplay



I refuse to watch Snakes on a Plane as it’s so unrealistic. Everyone knows you have to switch your phone off. Wordplay



I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding and accidentally started a pilau fight. Wordplay



“I’ve been watching the golf for hours now and I’m getting rather bored. But it is brand new, I don’t have a garage and I live in a rough area.” Wordplay



“I went to see the doctor yesterday. What seems to be the problem, Edgar? he asked.

Well, I think I suffer from schizophrenia, I said, being Frank.” Wordplay



“I hate having to brush my teeth every morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.” Wordplay



“Just got myself one of those toasted sandwich makers… Or a black girlfriend as she calls it.” Wordplay



“I filled my tank up with petrol this morning. Now all the goldfish are dead.” Wordplay



If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Wordplay



“Windows. Such a pane.” Wordplay



“Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.” Wordplay



“I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C. Got a cripple word score for that.” Wordplay



“What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? No ballroom.” Wordplay



Osama was found today: talk Abbotabad place to hide! Wordplay



“The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours: left, right, middle, whatever.” Wordplay



I’ll never predict the future. Wordplay



“I was having dinner with Mr. T and he said, “Don’t talk with your mouth full!” I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.” Wordplay



My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the original L.P. records with autographed sleeves. I think he needs Help. Wordplay



“Well the judge said that from now on I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?” Wordplay



“I can’t understand why my new automatic Glade air freshener doesn’t Work even though I’ve just put brand new batteries in it. It doesn’t make scents.” Wordplay



Try braking, it gives your driving a bit of 00mph. Wordplay



“I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum. Apparently, my threads weren’t cool enough.” Wordplay



“A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served?” Wordplay



“I was being interviewed for a job at McDonald’s. “An obvious example is Simon Cowell,” I said. “His are approximately two inches below his nipples.” Puzzled, the interviewer asked, “What on earth are you talking about?” “You asked me to talk about high jean levels,” I replied.” Wordplay



“I just received my award for builder of the year 2011. All because I drill like a Bosch.” Wordplay



I was taking the motorway out of London the other day. A policeman pulled me over and said: ‘Put it back’. Wordplay



“There’s nothing unique about today’s date… My German wife has been screaming it for years.” Wordplay



“As a child I enjoyed reading “Spot the Dog”. They were a lot easier than “Where’s Wally”.” Wordplay



My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It’s about thyme. Wordplay



I accidentally dropped a piece of paper into a rockery. Utter carnage. The rocks never stood a chance. Wordplay



“I’ve decided to take the day off today. I’m just going to call it to.” Wordplay



“A dress of Amy Winehouse sold for 43,200 today. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of needlework went into it.” Wordplay



“News: British man loses leg after ignoring shark warning. Bet he’s kicking himself now.” Wordplay



“I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother. And I shouted, “Go Oasis.” Then my sister left.” Wordplay



I was stood at a barberque the other day, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut. Wordplay



“My wife was shocked when she came home from Work last night. I’d wired the door handle to the mains.” Wordplay



“My math teacher asked me, “Do you understand inequalities?” I replied, “More or less.” Wordplay



“Apparently, we are going to have a heat wave this summer, the Department of Health has written some guidelines for staying cool: Wear aviators, Smoke, Get a motorbike Learn to fix things by thumping them……” Wordplay



“I went to the Library today and asked the Librarian, “Do you have any books on naked children?” She replied, “No, sorry, our books are all on shelves.” Wordplay



“I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall. Then I thought, screw it.” Wordplay



“I hate it when I get pins and needles in my feet. Time to give my crack den a good tidying.” Wordplay



BBC News – “Cuts will hit the poor hardest”. Why? Can’t they even afford plasters?” Wordplay



“I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump. My legs.” Wordplay



“I just bet on three horses called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times, and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.” Wordplay



“Let’s order some Chinese.” “To do what?” Wordplay



“My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.” Wordplay



“I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night, got away with a broken arm.

Don’t know whose, but it’s mine now.” Wordplay



“I’ve made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap. She’s a bit clingy.” Wordplay



“I recently watched all of the Lord of The Rings films back to back with a friend. I wasn’t the one facing the screen though.” Wordplay



“A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry sir, I can’t serve you, you’re off your face!” Wordplay



I was walking home last night, when I noticed a poor American girl blubbering outside a bar. She wasn’t crying, she just had her belly out. Wordplay



“I was at the bus stop and saw a poster of Voldemort with ‘HP 7’ printed on it. Kind of spoils the ending when you know he’s low on hit points.” Wordplay



“I complained to DFS after a sofa I ordered was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.” Wordplay



“I do backing vocals. It’s me who says, “This vehicle is reversing”.” Wordplay



“Jason Statham stars in a new movie where he kidnaps young girls for Money… …the McCannic” Wordplay



“A Limbo dancer married a Locksmith yesterday… …the wedding was low key.” Wordplay



“Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I’d gone bald.

Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.” Wordplay



There’s two things I don’t like about Nick Clegg; his face. Wordplay



“I do all my addition in my head. It’s the thought that counts.” Wordplay



“Saw a woman today who opened the door in her nightie. I thought, “That’s a funny place for a door.” Wordplay



I’ve got a friend who’s a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as he likes to be called. Wordplay



Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can’t use it until 2/8/20. Wordplay



George Bush has just announced that the floods in New Orleans are believed to be the Work of a suicide plumber from Iraq. Wordplay



Shortbread… They’re not making it any longer Wordplay



“Corrugated roofs. They’re groovy.” Wordplay



“All the threes… 33. One and six… Sweet 16. Unlucky for some… 9/11.” Wordplay



“I saw two people hailing a taxI today and thought: “What strange religion do they belong to?” Wordplay



When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course” Wordplay



I wouldn’t touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole. Wordplay



I’ve just got a make-shift job at the computer keyboard factory. Wordplay



“A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne.” The barman says, “Why the big clause?” Wordplay



“What have Alex Reid and Peter Andre both got in common? Sorry, let me rephrase that.

Alex Reid and Peter Andre have both got into something common.” Wordplay



“I once saw Guns N’Roses in Tesco. I thought, “That’s weird, selling them down the same aisle.” Wordplay



I’ve decided to give up Tea for Len. Wordplay



“I always impress birds by telling them I once had a flat on Park Lane. I tend to leave out the ‘on my mountain bike’ bit.” Wordplay



“What do you call a woman that wants to be Rich? Pre-Op.” Wordplay



“My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts. It has a 12-gig memory Wordplay



“As a paranoid schizophrenic, I take the lift alone to my top floor apartment… I can’t handle the stares.” Wordplay



No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. Wordplay



I don’t mind sharing my cup of tea with a few people but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Wordplay



“All day I’ve been pretending I’m different types of wood. I’m board now.” Wordplay



“WE CHARGE AT DAWN!” “Why not now?” “Solar-powered charger.” Wordplay



“I took a degree in ballet. I got a 2:2” Wordplay



“I was walking down the street when a guy started mugging me: “Give me any legally recognized organizations that you have that supply good or services to consumers, NOW!” I thought, “He means Business”.” Wordplay



“My wife accused me of having ‘uncontrollable OCD.’ I put her in her place.” Wordplay



Need help with your short-sightedness? Look no further. Wordplay



“I’ve been writing songs, each one about different baked goods. I’m on a roll at the moment” Wordplay



“Archaeologists have just discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.

Apparently, it was Pharoah Rocher.” Wordplay



“My mate just showed me his new wind turbine. I was blown away.” Wordplay



“I saw a fat bird trying to get into Burger King today. But pigeons can’t open doors.” Wordplay



“I smoked a joint earlier. All I need to do now is cure it and I’ll have the best Christmas ham you’ve ever seen.” Wordplay



“I was on the plane coming home when the stewardess came over to me and said, “Would you care for an orange juice?” “Sure,” I replied “if it really needed me.” Wordplay



Corduroy pillows. They’re making headlines. Wordplay



“I signed up to a training program that promised to turn me into a soldier in one week.

Ended up with egg on my face.” Wordplay



“The first white lie? “No, of course we won’t treat you like slaves.” Wordplay



“Apparently, Whitney had a lesbian fling with another musical diva… Did Tina turn her?” Wordplay



“Not many people know that the flag they wave at the end of a grand prix is actually the flag of a real country. It’s Finnish” Wordplay



In America, “Casino Royale” was released as “Casino Quarter Pounder with Cheese”. Wordplay



“I saw the missus was on Top of The Pops the other night. I knew she was a slag, but I expected more of the old man.” Wordplay



“I’ve just seen the headline: “What makes F1 drivers special?” I’d say “accidents”.” Wordplay



“We asked 100 people if they could mime watching a game of tennis. They all said no.” Wordplay



“Ortographobia is the fear of spelling mistakes. That name’s tempting fate a bit I think…” Wordplay



“I used to post loads of jokes about wood. But I’m starting to run out of material.” Wordplay



“I’ll tell you who isn’t playing FIFA 12, and that’s Richard Dawkins. He’s a Pro-Evolution man.” Wordplay



“I went up to Mr. T and said, “I’m going to cook you a dessert.” He said, “Try fool!” I said, “No, strawberry cheesecake, actually.” Wordplay



“My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about Wimbledon. I think Tennis enough.” Wordplay



“Do Americanisms lose something and sound less cool when you use them in England?

Well, that’s the 652,848 question.” Wordplay



“There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland. I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.” Wordplay



People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode. Wordplay



“I was in a band called ‘Screw Cap’. You may have seen us on Top of the Pops.” Wordplay



“My dog kept chasing people on a bike. So, we took his bike off him. Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day. So, we gave him his bike back. Because his bark was worse than his bike.” Wordplay



“‘Are your relatives in business?’ ‘Yes – in the iron and steel business’ ‘Oh, indeed?’

‘Yes – me mother irons and me father steals’” Wordplay



I before E except after C …..tell that to a Scientist Wordplay



“I struggled to lift a bottle of water earlier. It was an Evian.” Wordplay



“My friend was telling me his son accidentally drowned while on holiday in the Ukraine.

Oh, Crimea River!” Wordplay



“This guy was having a go at me today for breaking a CD of his.

So, I ripped him a new one.” Wordplay



“Selling an Xbox game online, just got a message asking why I’ve put collection only due to size and weight? I said I’m morbidly obese and can’t get to the post office.” Wordplay



“A dodgy looking fellow came up to me and said, “You see all this cocaine? It can all be yours for a special price.” “Forget it,” I replied, “There’s no way I’m kidnapping Jordan’s son.” Wordplay



A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother. Wordplay



“I managed to get a lie in this morning. I got up really early and told my wife that I loved her.” Wordplay



“My parents disowned me after I got a tattoo of a barcode put on my forehead on a night out.

I hope I can redeem myself” Wordplay



Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Wordplay



“Approverypriate Sorry – that was very inappropriate.” Wordplay



“Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool. I lost my cool once, and it killed my career.” – LL J Wordplay



“I love my next-door Neighbor’s house. It’s right up my street.” Wordplay



“My daughter asked me to make her a ballerina’s skirt. I didn’t have a clue where to start but then I put tu and tu together.” Wordplay



“I’m going to invent a saying about yoghurts. Well, more of a fromage phrase.” Wordplay



“What do Mexicans do when they are cold? They use chicken fajitas.” Wordplay



“I used to love doing pelvic floor exercises when I was Working out. Which is why I lost my job as a math teacher.” Wordplay



The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt. Wordplay



“I suppose I got what I deserved for punching my mates lights out. Electrocuted.” Wordplay



Isn’t a white baby on the black market a bit of a grey area? Wordplay



“My driving instructor said, “Take the first exit at the roundabout.” So, I opened the door and jumped out.” Wordplay



“Some Times it’s the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart.

Like blood clots.” Wordplay



My local corner shop claims to be offering a free abacus with every purchase, but I wouldn’t count on it. Wordplay



Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Wordplay



“I banged my head on a low bridge. I would have been okay if viaduct.” Wordplay



“My little brother is currently fighting near in northern Afghanistan. The aim being to take control of the Mullah Headquarters. Seems like an awful lot of effort for a yoghurt factory, if you ask me.” Wordplay



“Local News: Man’s body found by tree… … and is now promoted to Chief Detective Tree.” Wordplay



I like using Latin phrases when speaking in English and vice versa. Wordplay



After my divorce, I realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss. Wordplay



“There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning. It sent ripples through the whole building.” Wordplay



“I remember when my ex-girlfriends were all over me. Now they’re all over me.” Wordplay



“Duke, a rancher in Texas, was left 33 bulls when his Pa died. Soon after he bought 33 cows from a Neighbor and put them in a field with the bulls. A little while later they each of them produced a calf. By his calculations he thought that he now had 99 head of cattle. However, he discovered that he had a hundred…. when he rounded them up…” Wordplay



“In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. You’d think they would be trying to stop it.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend’s going to be really happy with me. I’ve told her to stay in and polish my medieval battle re-enactment uniform while I go to the pub with the lads. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend was making pasta when I told her we were splitting up. I had to repeat it twice. Then the penne dropped.” Wordplay



I put up a fruity joke yesterday, but it got berryed Wordplay



“Someone left a bottle of vodka on my doorstep today. Not to worry, I managed to get to the bottom of it.” Wordplay



Want an anagram of “Rodeo incidents”? Consider it done. Wordplay



BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for ‘copying’ Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.” Wordplay



I have two brothers, well three actually but one has learning difficulties, so he can’t count. Wordplay



“I tried to break up a fiery argument at the bottom of a moving stairway today.

It was no use as things just escalated from there.” Wordplay



“A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener. The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t like your tie-pin here.” Wordplay



“Saw – The Uncut Version So, completely pointless then?” Wordplay



“My clotheshorse broke this morning. It was the end of an airer.” Wordplay



“Owning my own butchers shop, my claim to fame is that I serve the biggest, fattest black pudding in town. It’s Lenny Henry – he comes in every morning for sausages.” Wordplay



“My wife said she’s leaving me because of my false optimism. Oh well, she’ll be back tomorrow.” Wordplay



“I like to keep my jokes Original. Werther’s you like it or not.” Wordplay



I’ve noticed observational jokes are particularly popular. Wordplay



“I’ll turn UK around,” says David Cameron. I’ll do it right now… KU.” Wordplay



“I was walking down the street the other day, and someone threw cheese in my face!

I thought “Very Mature!” Wordplay



A mute incontinent. Goes without saying. Wordplay



“I’ve made loads of Money selling my version of Polo that don’t have a hole in the middle.

I’ve made an absolute mint.” Wordplay



“Come on kids, we’re going to play on the slides!” – The inventor of PowerPoint, shortly before his children stopped loving him Wordplay



“Finally, after all these years, I’ve got myself a sports car. I split my eye open playing rugby.” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the American Surgeon who specializes in key hole surgery?” “He trained at Yale” Wordplay



Numbers never have been my thirte. Wordplay



“I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups. “How many reps would you usually do?” he asked. “A million,” I rep lied.” Wordplay



“This week’s Yeast Club meeting is now in session. All rise.” Wordplay



BBC News “Giggs Misses training for Man Utd” She probably just wants to keep an eye on him.” Wordplay



“My mate’s going through a rough Time at the moment because of personal issues and I think it’s messing up his head, because he was talking to me about it all, then suddenly changed the subject. He said: ‘First my mum slips on the ice and paralyses herself, then my daughter gets diagnosed with cancer, what’s next? Although a little concerned for his welfare, I quietly explained that Next is a clothing retailer based around Britain and the Republic of Ireland.” Wordplay



“I always fart at funerals. Sorry but some Times you just have to let one R.I.P.” Wordplay



“I got up this morning and discovered that somebody had written “QWERTY” down the side of my car. I think it’s been keyed.” Wordplay



“Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB. Then three come along at once.” Wordplay



“I have a 20-note made out of metal. I think it’s forged.” Wordplay



When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked. Wordplay



“I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks. When I got run over by a tank.” Wordplay



You have to hand it to people that can’t reach it. Wordplay



You can’t have manslaughter without laughter. Wordplay



I was talking to my Nan the other day when I suddenly realized that everyone else in the Indian was giving me weird looks. Wordplay



“I was talking dirty with my wife yesterday in bed. She said, “Make me hot, baby.”

I don’t think she appreciated the team of make-up artists and plastic surgeons I called in.” Wordplay



“When I told my wife I was a member of the Ku Klux Klan she went as white as a sheet.

She’s always so supportive.” Wordplay



Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I’m in it for the long hall. Wordplay



“Hey Noah, where do you want these bees?” “Put them in the archive.” Wordplay



If Einstein hadn’t come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of Time. Wordplay



“Why did Nivea Cream? Because Max Factor.” Wordplay



OCD sufferers. Their days are numbered.” Wordplay



“I thought Davy Jones was just sleeping. Then I saw his face… Now I’m a bereave.” Wordplay



“I keep imagining I’m holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I’m dealing with.” Wordplay



“I’ve just bought a border collie. The one I already had wasn’t bored enough.” Wordplay



At a previous Work-place there was a door that had a sign “Depress Lever to Enter”. I used to walk up to it and say, “You are the worst lever in the world” Wordplay



“I’m in line for a job down at ‘Oxford Dictionaries’. I got my mate to put a word in for me.” Wordplay



“Chemistry teachers make the best rapists. They always have the element of surprise.” Wordplay



“Police have just named the poor woman killed in Tenerife. Edna Moore” Wordplay



“I killed my wife in self-defense. It took me three hours to clean her blood off the dojo mat.” Wordplay



“My best friend was a hairdresser, and he died doing what he loved. Dying.” Wordplay



“I recently starred in a theatre production about Puns in the English Language. It was a Play on Words…” Wordplay



“What idiot invented fire blankets? You’d think fire was hot enough…” Wordplay



I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping. Wordplay



Jobs in the UK are easy to come by, according to recent Poles. Wordplay



“A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, “I need water, sell me some water.” “Sorry, Sir,” replies the stall owner, “I only sell custard.” The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water. “I’m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream,” replies the second stall owner. The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, “please, I need water now or I’ll die.” “Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands,” replies the final stall owner. His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, “You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?” “I know, Sir,” says the first stall owner, “it’s a trifle bazaar.” Wordplay



“I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead. It was his signature move” Wordplay



“I was reading the Wikipedia article on cataracts. It was only partially cited.” Wordplay



Wouldn’t it be funny if Ben Sherman designed tank tops? Wordplay



“Some kid charged at me and started attacking me with the part of his arm just under his hand. It was a terror wrist.” Wordplay



“When I was in America I drove on the right side of the road. The left.” Wordplay



“People make me sick. I guess I should stop eating them.” Wordplay



Seasoning fish…. there’s a thyme and a plaice for that. Wordplay



“I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers. They were on the edge of their seats.” Wordplay



“The Arabian inventor of the bullet-proof vehicle died today.R.I.P. Ahmed Carr” Wordplay



“A friend asked me if I’d ever won anything. I replied “Me, I couldn’t win an argument!”

But, in the end, he convinced me that I could.” Wordplay



"Whenever I go out, I make sure that I take my doner card. I get 15% off at my local kebab shop." Wordplay



“So Apple are holding a news conference today. What happens if they don’t hold it correctly?” Wordplay



“My wife moans at me to say ‘I did’ instead of ‘I done’ because it’s not proper grammar.

Easier said than did.” Wordplay



“It’s just taken me nearly four hours to eat a dozen watches. It was very Time consuming.” Wordplay



“I put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.” Wordplay



“My mum asked, “Lee, why do you lend everyone Money even though they are not your friends?” I replied, “Because I’m loan Lee.” Wordplay



“So I lay on my death bed the other day, with my wife Tina, and my sister Marge by my side.

When I saw, them getting upset I comforted them – “Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina…” Wordplay



“Right, let’s flip a coin: Heads I get tail, Tails I get head.” Wordplay



“It’s pretty easy to catch someone’s attention in A&E. All you have to do is snap your fingers.” Wordplay



“MC Hammer. What a tool.” Wordplay



“What’s your name?” “Johnson.” “And your first name?” “It’s always been Johnson.” Wordplay



I tried throwing all my socks away, but I got cold feet. Wordplay



“There are three things I want to do in my lifeTime 1. Learn to count” Wordplay



“congratulations A Congratulations B Congratulations C It seems congratulations are in order.” Wordplay



“I always go for girls in their prime. 2, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13” Wordplay



“Why can’t you hear a dog whistle? Because they can’t.” Wordplay



“Just met Darth Vader’s corrupt brother. TaxI Vader.” Wordplay



“How do you stop your mouth from freezing? Grit your teeth!” Wordplay



“Outrage as Madeleine McCann’s image used on holiday discount website” In fairness, the McCanns made a killing on their own holiday.” Wordplay



“When we were kids, we couldn’t afford toys, holidays or even School uniforms… So, our parents paid for them.” Wordplay



“We need to stop teaching our children to sing the alphabet. It took me 5 years to realize that ‘Elemeno’ wasn’t a letter.” Wordplay



Today, I shall rewrite hostiry. Wordplay



Sky have won the rights to the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately, it’s only on paper view. Wordplay



“I proposed to my girlfriend on an escalator yesterday. It was moving.” Wordplay



“Although the riots seem to be over, I still find it hard to comprehend that I didn’t see anybody actually taking a stand. What are they going to put their new TVs on?” Wordplay



A man wakes up on a deserted island only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple. He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!” Wordplay



“After an unusually high gas bill, my wife asked me to check the meter. It was spot on. One hundred cenTimetres exactly.” Wordplay



“My teacher just told me we have an exam on Monday. That’s an oddly specific subject.” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven? He had a huit allergy.” Wordplay



I like modelling clothes as much as the Next man. Wordplay



Botox will never make headlines. Wordplay



“You may not think it to look at me, but I did once take 1st place in London’s Cutest Baby awards. would have taken 2nd as well if she didn’t start screaming.” Wordplay



“I always keep emergency flares in my car. You never know when you’re gonna be invited to a ’70s disco.” Wordplay



“I told my mates that I’ve secretly eaten all my girlfriend’s chocolate spread. They’d better Nutella.” Wordplay



“I just climbed to the top of the world’s highest mountain,” I told my mate. “Everest?” he asked. “About every hundred feet,” I said.” Wordplay



“I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet. It’s got 28 letters.” Wordplay



“I had a can of beer last night and on the side, it said, “best drunk before 2010”. I’ve just emailed them thanking them for the award, which I graciously accept.” Wordplay



“I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.” Wordplay



“My son has been walking up and down the high street nicking all the shop fascia’s and hiding them in the shed. I should have noticed earlier really, the signs were all there.” Wordplay



“I bought a train ticket the other day and in the corner, it read ‘STD’ How did they know?” Wordplay



“My six-year-old daughter attempted suicide this morning. She didn’t succeed, but her spelling is definitely improving.” Wordplay



Ever since my addiction to children’s playgrounds started, my social life has been on the slide. Wordplay



“As the rest of the bobsleigh team and I prepared for our first run, the brake man suddenly fell to the floor clutching his leg. “Go on without me, I’ll only slow you down”, he cried.” Wordplay



“Time traveller’s convention next June. I’m there.” Wordplay



“My mum has a phobia about African toes. I think she’s black toes intolerant.” Wordplay



“I went in HMV earlier and asked the guy behind the counter if they had any Run DMC records. “Walk this way,” he replied.” Wordplay



“People hang on my every word. Which is why I lost my job at the Samaritans.” Wordplay



“I fell down a really deep dark hole today. I couldn’t see that well.” Wordplay



“I invested $1000 in some American shares….. It made a lot of cents.” Wordplay



“What do you call a cat without whiskers? Hungry.” Wordplay



Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in Schools? The supply teachers. Wordplay



Confucius say: It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl Wordplay



“After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday.

We won’t see the likes of him again.” Wordplay



“I was invited to a party the other day, and the dress code was ‘smart-casual’. So, I went as an oxymoron.” Wordplay



If it wasn’t for blinds it would be curtains for all of us. Wordplay



“When I was a boy, my friends said quoting songs would get me nowhere. Well Take A Look At Me Now.” Wordplay



“After winning a race, a jockey was found to have given his animal drugs, and was disqualified. I bet that took him off his high horse.” Wordplay



“About to microwave some fruit. Getting ready for a hot date.” Wordplay



I just bought a Swiss car. It runs like ClockWork, but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral. Wordplay



“Me and the wife have just been for our 12-week scan. The doctor said, “Mr. and Mrs. Keemier, I’m pleased to say you are having a baby boy.” The wife won’t let me call him Luke.” Wordplay



“What’s black and gets abused 24/7 on social networking sites? Punctuation” Wordplay



The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club. Wordplay



“Me and my girl plan to recreate every position from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks. The excitement is building.” Wordplay



“I threw two DVDs at exactly the same Time to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.” Wordplay



“I fancied some tea this morning so I decided to start making a cup. Would have been easier to get one out of the cupboard really.” Wordplay



“Palestinians have been getting wound up for decades. Israeli annoying them.” Wordplay



Drilling for oil is boring. Wordplay



“The missus is bulimic and narcoleptic. She’s sick and tired of all the jokes I make about her.” Wordplay



“I had to dump my blow-up doll earlier. I let her down gently” Wordplay



“Sky News – “Man Arrested on Suicide Bomb Charges” I know nothing about this case, but I’m fairly confident it wasn’t him.” Wordplay



“I fell out of a 600-story building and lived. It was a library.” Wordplay



“I’ve been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn’t let us out.” Wordplay



“I recently lost my son. Toys R Us sure is a big place. Not that I lost him there, he died last week of AIDS. I just thought the size of the store should be acknowledged.” Wordplay



“I love brunettes but I was gutted to come home from Work to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair light-blonde. It’s just not fair.” Wordplay



“FibonaccI numbers. It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.” Wordplay



“I hit a cyclist the other day. I wasn’t in my car; I just thought it’d be funny.” Wordplay



“My mum always said, “Never use two words when one will do.” Why didn’t she just say, “Avoid verbosity”?” Wordplay



I really think Bacary Sagna should name his son Les Wordplay



“What do you call an argument between an Argentinian and an Indian? A bit of Argy Bhaji.” Wordplay



“My two cats went missing for over a fortnight and when they returned I decided to get microchips for them both. The poor little things looked starving.” Wordplay



“The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom. How she got her car in there I’ll never know.” Wordplay



“Protesters at the G20 were holding up huge signs saying ‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’. A friend of mine turned to me and said, “Surely that’s wrong. Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.” Wordplay



“Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three rights make a left.” Wordplay



“My son is cold and calculating I’ve turned the heating off whilst he does his math’s homework.” Wordplay



“My wife was preparing lunch today when she asked, “Sweetheart, where’s the cheese grater?” “Some would say France, others would say England,” I replied.” Wordplay



“Just bought a feather duster. If there’s one thing I can’t stand its filthy chickens.” Wordplay



“I hate people who use metaphors that are physically impossible. They make my blood boil.” Wordplay



Rising numbers are on the increase. Wordplay



I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in. Wordplay



“So I’m trekking through the woods and….. Hang on, bear with me…” Wordplay



Being calm is not something I rate. Wordplay



I was going to make a herb garden the other day, but I just haven’t got the thyme. Wordplay



Don’t bother entering the Repair Man of the Year award. It’s fixed.. Wordplay



“I’ve decided to make Money writing dieting books. I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.” Wordplay



“LeAnn Rimes. No, it doesn’t.” Wordplay



“I bought a new Apple Mac the other day. It’s great, every Time it rains I smell like Cider.” Wordplay



“I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day. I just drifted off.” Wordplay



“People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression. I’m going to stick my neck out and say no.” Wordplay



“I was watching one of them comic relief appeals just now and I was appalled. Thousands of poor, black people with naught but rags for clothes and no job to make them any Money. Does anyone know what country this ‘Birmingham’ is in?” Wordplay



“Police say “South London rapist may strike again”. I didn’t realize they took industrial action!” Wordplay



Prison walls are never built to scale. Wordplay



I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. Wordplay



Look… at the end of the day, it’s night. Wordplay



“I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk said, “How would you like to pay your fine?” “Cash and you’re not too bad yourself.” I replied.” Wordplay



“The Daily Mail has described Katie Price as tight-lipped about not revealing her attacker’s name. Not the best choice of words.” Wordplay



“My Neighbor is a blacksmith. Yes, now they are stealing British surnames too.” Wordplay



“I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying ‘bursary’. It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.” Wordplay



“In America – Fat camp: A place where overweight people go to slim down. In England – Fat camp: Matt Lucas, Elton John.” Wordplay



“What do my first girlfriend’s virginity and a pulp have in common? My dad beat me to both when I was a kid.” Wordplay



“The electric gate that killed the 12-year-old girl has been released by police without charge. So now it’s just a gate.” Wordplay



I like my woodwork teacher, he gives me wood. Wordplay



“I ordered an Indian takeaway last night and it came to a tenner. As he handed me the bag, I said, “What’s the name of Jordan’s son?” He said, “Harvey Price.” I said, “Thanks, here’s a fiver.” Wordplay



My friend sent me a blank email. His message was clear. Wordplay



“Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things: Sequels, and reincarnation. Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.” Wordplay



I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website. It keeps saying it’s refreshing! Wordplay



“I went to the doctor’s today. He said, “You’re dying.” I said, “How do you know?” He said, “Your eyebrows are a different color.” Wordplay



“Had a microwave meal today. It said ‘remove sleeve and film lid.’ I put a vest top on and got my camcorder out, but I’m still hungry.” Wordplay



“My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring. All I do is sit around and stuff.” Wordplay



“What’s black and comes in thirteens? R Kelly.” Wordplay



“The X Factor contestants are completely ruining Queen songs Roger Taylor probably doesn’t mind, but I think Brian May.” Wordplay



“The toilet flushed last night. I have no idea how my bathroom fittings keep beating me at poker.” Wordplay



I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labelled as starboard. Something wasn’t right. Wordplay



“I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today. Luckily for me, I had my keys.” Wordplay



“I once went out with a girl with fiery red hair and a pale thin body. I met her on Match.com” Wordplay



“What do you call seafood in a cement mixer? Hardcore Prawn” Wordplay



“I tried to buy a town in the south of France. The locals were Avignon of it.” Wordplay



“My next-door Neighbor was really scared and worried about finding a hole in his wall at home. I asked him what he was going to do about it and he said he’s bricking it.” Wordplay



“I’ve invented an anti-gravity device that allows the tip of a snooker cue to hover at any height above the table. The rest is history.” Wordplay



“A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry to tonight’s Euro 2012 Final. He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten.” Wordplay



Just been on holiday in the South of France….. it was Nice Wordplay



“I’ve got a date for tomorrow. 10th Jan 2010.” Wordplay



“I’ve just bought a transparent megaphone. Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.” Wordplay



“A bulb walks into an airport without any bags wearing nothing but a shirt, sandals, and a hat. The check in girl looks at him and says, “Travelling light?” The bulb says “Yes, I am.” Wordplay



“I hit a man with a baseball bat yesterday, he’s got two broken arms… Which is what gave me the courage in the first place.” Wordplay



“At School I was perfect I don t know why they made me one I can’t even spell” Wordplay



Death – a once in a lifetime experience. Wordplay



“I am going to steal a board game from the local supermarket. I could get caught but I want to take the Risk.” Wordplay



“I was looking through the dictionary when I saw a nasty looking word. When I looked closer though, I saw it said hasty.” Wordplay



“I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.” Wordplay



I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator. Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep. Wordplay



“My boss asked me if I would make it into Work with the adverse weather conditions. I said, “There’s snow stopping me.” Can’t understand why he was so upset when I didn’t turn up.” Wordplay



“The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we’d hidden in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft. I can still hear them crying though.” Wordplay



Being on the dole definitely has its benefits. Wordplay



“I failed Geography at School. I couldn’t find the exam room” Wordplay



“I was on holiday in Spain when my mate phoned me. “How’s the hotel?” he said. “Well, I can’t complain, “I replied. “Oh, that’s good then,” he said. I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.” Wordplay



“In the early 1940’s, Europe had no videogames, Internet or TV. Thank God we had Germany to keep us occupied” Wordplay



“There was this group on Facebook called ‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’. So, I became a fan.” Wordplay



“I just bought Nickelback’s “Best Off”. It wasn’t until after I turned it on that I realized that wasn’t a typo.” Wordplay



“My daughter said, “Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?” I said, “That depends sweetheart, what’s his name?” “Corey” She replied. “Corey what?” I asked. She said, “Corey Ossity.” I said, “I suppose so, but don’t let him near the cat.” Wordplay



“Went for a job interview as a comouflage expert last week. I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!!” Wordplay



“h, the middle of nowhere” Wordplay



“As a musician, I hate the key of E minor. It gives me the E B G B s” Wordplay



“My wife was in a really good mood today. I said, “What’s got into you?” She said, “Something twice the size of yours”.” Wordplay



“Finally got head off the wife yesterday. I knew one swing of the axe would do it.” Wordplay



“A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp. I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.” Wordplay



“What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day. One played with Majors and the other played with Minors.” Wordplay



My great uncle was so stubborn, when he died, he left a won’t. Wordplay



“In an attempt to cut down on Americanisms, I’ve been replacing all my Z’s with S’s. On the downside, I now go to bed and wake up feeling deflated.” Wordplay



“My parents have gone to India with some friends. Mumbai? No, she’s straight, but I don’t think it’s that kind of trip anyway.” Wordplay



“I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day – as a human cannonball. She went ballistic!” Wordplay



“I told my mum I was going out for a walk. She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole Time” Wordplay



I was down the pub last night with my mates when I spotted the wife chatting up the barman. I got hold of her, took her outside and gave her a Sepp Blatter, or what`s more commonly known as a backhander. Wordplay



I’m a terrible psychic – I don’t know about you. Wordplay



“I’m considering becoming a mind reader. What are your thoughts?” Wordplay



“You make a very good cuppa,” she said. “It’s my special tea,” I replied.” Wordplay



“What’s the difference between Sony and Kony? Kony still has Eric’s son.” Wordplay



“I saw Mr. T getting on a baby horse. I pity the foal.” Wordplay



“Got any nuts?” Barmaid replied “Yes.” I said “I could tell by the size of your hands.” Wordplay



“I have a thing for ginger girls… My shotgun.” Wordplay



“Gently tapping the wife on the back of the head earlier. “Knock it off,” she said.

Big mistake.” Wordplay



“The wife asked me to take her out today, “With a rifle?” is apparently not the best response.” Wordplay



“I’m getting so fed up with double standards for men and women. When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotch less panties they hung up and called the police.” Wordplay



“What is the opposite of Imagination? I have no idea.” Wordplay



“There’s a new spray out made by a company called Seven Seas that is designed to help your joints. Don’t buy it because it doesn’t Work. It just makes your Rizla wet and leaves a nasty taste in your mouth.” Wordplay



“After hearing my son saying, “I want to be good with acoustic,” I decided to buy him a guitar. Turns out he wanted a snooker cue.” Wordplay



“I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady. Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, “When are you due?” It was then that I realized that she wasn’t pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, “…for another snack?” Wordplay



“My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things. I said, “You seam stressed.” Wordplay



I could really do with a crowbar. The birds in my garden look like they want somewhere to socialize. Wordplay



As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing. Wordplay



Ironically, The Dog Inn pub has a really small car park. Wordplay



“Why should you never throw an obese Finn into a river? Because Helsinki.” Wordplay



“My 31st girlfriend was American and it was a bit awkward, especially in the bedroom.

But then, all my other girlfriends have been about 9st – 11st.” Wordplay



Drink wet cement – get stoned. Wordplay



“I entered my dog in a local dogfighting contest recently, but sadly, he was killed. He did a loop the loop and fell out of his plane.” Wordplay



“I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone. It was a grave mistake.” Wordplay



“I used to really fancy my piano teacher when I was a kid and I was always eager to impress her.

Unfortunately, I misheard her when she said it was Time to master Beethoven.” Wordplay



“I’m fed up with my brother’s boxing trophies scattered all over the house.

Today I’m gonna make a stand.” Wordplay



“What’s the fastest way to get stoned? Be a woman in Iran.” Wordplay



I was waiting for the number sixty-nine bus this morning. Who would have thought it? Two came together. Wordplay



“I would take a bullet for my wife. Put it in a gun and shoot her with it.” Wordplay



“I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. I’ve started seeing someone else.” Wordplay



“I accidently left an apple outside my local GP’s surgery. He won’t be able to get in.” Wordplay



I’d say 6:30 is the best clock Time, hands down. Wordplay



“I put the phone down, turned to the wife and said, “Well, your mother’s late.” “What do you mean?” she asked. “She wasn’t due around.” “I know,” I replied, smiling. “That was the hospital. She’s dead.” Wordplay



“I was Shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So, I clicked “Add to cart.” Wordplay



NEWS: Teresa Lewis executed by lethal injection in Virginia. That’s a bit harsh. I thought they would’ve at least put the needle in her arm.” Wordplay




“Someone has chopped all the heads off my daffodils… I think it was a stalker.” Wordplay



“A note left for a pianist from his wife “Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet.” Wordplay



“I saw a woman crying as I was walking home from the pub last night. I said, “What’s the matter?” “Gavin’s gone” she replied. I said, “Sorry but I can’t really help you, I don’t suffer with heartburn”.” Wordplay



Two-thirds of The Human Centipede is tongue-in-cheek. Wordplay



“After the success of my first restaurant, Karma, I’ve decided to expand my food business and open Karma 2. We serve just desserts.” Wordplay



“I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands. It’s all been Dunhill from there.” Wordplay



“I walked home with a skip in my step today. Accidentally stood on a packet of crisps.” Wordplay



“The Internet is now the second largest collection of jokes in the world… The FA are still hanging on to the top spot.” Wordplay



“My blind wife has started seeing a therapist. He must be good.” Wordplay



“I had a threesome with a scalene and an isosceles. It was a love triangle.” Wordplay



BBC News: “Spelling mistakes ‘cost millions’.” Or is that ‘billions’? Guess we’ll never know.” Wordplay



“A few people are complaining about the new lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.” Wordplay



The Air Con Con Con: Where I sell you tickets to an Air Conditioning convention that doesn’t actually exist. Wordplay



“Today my granddad started pelting me with Werthers. I wasn’t mad though, I thought it was quite original.” Wordplay



“I just killed my limousine driver. I don’t know why, because I have nothing to chauffeur it.” Wordplay



My wife says I have the attention span of a Wordplay



“I had to do a presentation on children’s playground equipment. So, I did a slide show.” Wordplay



“Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling’s. I must say, they’re exceedingly good fakes.” Wordplay



I’m a pool player. I always chat up girls when I go swimming. Wordplay



I failed my English literature exam. Apparently, the answer to question 2b) was not ‘or not 2b). Wordplay



“Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a Farm, and decided to invite us to a “House warming” party. I said to my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?” “How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied. “Yes,” said I. “I am sure that will go down well.” Wordplay



“I saw a little black girl in distress yesterday. So, I made her take it off.” Wordplay



“I used to live in a small town in Spain called Macarena. But I don’t like to make a song and dance about it.” Wordplay



I Work at the Royal Mint and, to be honest, I make a lot of Money. Wordplay



“I applied for a job in Australia I think I have the necessary koalafications.” Wordplay



“I jumped in a cab the other day and said to the driver, “Isle of Dogs.” He said, “That’s nice. I’m more of a cat man myself. Now, where do you want to go?” Wordplay



“Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called? Corsican.” Wordplay



“My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection. Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.” Wordplay



I do have initiative; I just need to be told when to use it. Wordplay



“During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’. That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.” Wordplay



“I just chucked out my flat mate Calvin, he kept breaking the washing machine. Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.” Wordplay



“What do football teams and American soldiers have in common? Neither really care about friendlies.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend keeps telling me that making clothes based Puns is really not funny. Corset is!” Wordplay



“My mate said there’s one thing he hates about Halloween. “Which is?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied, “they freak me out.” Wordplay



“I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer. I’ve been refused bale.” Wordplay



“My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians. He knew I had the contacts.” Wordplay



“I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits. It’s not exactly the Ritz.” Wordplay



“When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don’t have the letter ‘R’ I immediately thought… No way!” Wordplay



“I’ve set up a taxi firm for unmarried girls who’ve lost babies. I think ‘Miss Carriage’ should do well.” Wordplay



“I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken. I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.” Wordplay



“A young girl’s boyfriend and her mother were sitting in uncomfortable silence, upon meeting for the first Time, when the mother retorted, “Technically, my daughter belongs to me until she’s 18, I own her, so I control what she does and where she goes. I might charge you rent per kiss.”

To which the boyfriend replied, “Well, you’re not a very good landlord. Her back doors have been smashed in.” Wordplay



“I really love the tasteless jokes on this site even though I suffer from muscular dystrophy.

I’m sick and twisted.” Wordplay



“After the accident, my wife was left a vegetable. “Who left this vegetable here?” She asked.” Wordplay



“I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said “Lie down and cover yourself in salt”.

“How will that help?” I asked. “Don’t know”, he said, “But in a week’s Time you’ll be cured”.” Wordplay



“After 2 hours of wandering around Boots, I eventually found the disposable contact lenses. Aisle C.” Wordplay



“I was on a rollercoaster when it got stuck mid-loop leaving us hanging upside-down 100ft in the air. Suddenly a young girl next to me started screaming, “Get me off. I want you to get me off now”. I thought it was a strange Time to ask but I went ahead and fingered her anyway.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend ran into the front room today screaming and crying that she had found out she was pregnant and needed my help to have an abortion quick. I said “Whoa, whoa, whoa… get a hanger yourself.” Wordplay



“Susan Boyle changes her name to Subo and becomes the best-selling artist in the world. I try to do a similar thing with my name and I get death threats from all four corners of the globe. Looks like I’m destined to always be known as boring old Patrick King.” Wordplay



“My daughter is eighteen years old but is a very late developer. She’s had three warnings from her supervisor at Jessops this month alone.” Wordplay



All this talk of the iPhone autocorrect “is rubbish” nonsense is making me feel Ill. Wordplay



“A Chinese guy kept making fun of my accent at Work. Well, two can pray at that game.” Wordplay



“I hate the local debating group. They discussed me.” Wordplay



“I was directing a stage version of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. Just before the show was about to start, the back-up dwarf ran over and said, “Dave has pulled out of the show. I’m sorry, it’s my fault. We had a fight.” “Well I hope you’re Happy now,” I replied.” Wordplay



“They call me Mr Rhetorical. Can you guess why?” Wordplay



“As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her knickers. I wish she would see a doctor about her heavy discharge, I thought as I picked them up off the floor and put them in the washing basket.” Wordplay



Frankly, Paranormal Activity is just one film away from being a regular occurrence. Wordplay



“I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the carpet. If they give me a bad reception I’m going to ruin theirs.” Wordplay



“If your blow-up doll’s talking back to you… Puncture.” Wordplay



“My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is. I’m stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.” Wordplay



“Did you hear the one about the depressed frog? He wanted to kermit suicide.” Wordplay



“I was just informed that a good friend of mine has tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train. That’s the third Time now. He’s got a terrible track record.” Wordplay



Ignorant? I don’t know the meaning of the word! Wordplay



“The wife wants me to buy something musical for our 4-year-old daughter’s birthday.

I’m going to give her a fiddle.” Wordplay



“I heard vandals have broken into an origami exhibition and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to Work out how events unfolded.” Wordplay



“A woman screamed, “No means no!” at me today. I left soon after. It was the shortest Spanish lesson I’d ever had.” Wordplay



I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped … I wanted to be ruthless Wordplay



I live for my alarm clock collection, it’s the only reason I get up in the morning. Wordplay



“Doctor Doctor, I’ve got Leukaemia, can you fix it?” “Yes we can sir” Wordplay



“Stereo Stereo Stereo I love stereotyping” Wordplay



“My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog. I found it staggering.” Wordplay



“Fair Trade. Sacrificing quality for equality.” Wordplay



“I was taking a risk opening a butcher’s shop on Blackpool tower. The steaks were high.” Wordplay



“I Work for a charity that tries to prevent animals being turned into glue. Please, donate to the RSPVA.” Wordplay



So, gentlemen. We have celebrated Movember with our moustaches, Manuary by doing manly things 24/7. And soon it will be Time for Rapril. Wordplay



A Scotsman just offered me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley’s Spearmint. So, I said, “I can take your knives, but I’ll never take your free gum.” Wordplay



I felt quite smug when the iPad came out. I’d been saying for years that the iPhone would be really big one day. Wordplay



“I have been cheating on my wife for years and last night my girlfriend spilt the beans.

It wasn’t a problem, they are only 40p a tin.” Wordplay



“I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday. I didn’t buy one.” Wordplay



“My mate just walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free. Full credit to him.” Wordplay



“Want to pull a Jewish girl? Just show them some interest.” Wordplay



“I was deciding whether or not to get a new bed yesterday. I decided to just sleep on it.” Wordplay



Deaf people are lip reading as we speak. Wordplay



“As I looked through the lens, I saw a man being decapitated, babies being burnt at the stake, and a woman being skinned alive. That’s the last Time I check my horror scope.” Wordplay



“I was speaking to a man from Syria today and he said, “In my country, bear fighting is the most popular sport.” “That’s revolting.” I replied. “No, that’s our second most popular.” Wordplay



“I was in line waiting to pay for my petrol and the guy at the front said, “Pump one.”

Which got me thinking: “I wonder if the Queen ever says that to Prince Philip?” Wordplay



“I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden death of my Grandad, while in intensive care. He followed a few leads. Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.” Wordplay



“I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction. Got it delivered … it was a canoe.” Wordplay



“I gave my mate an over-inflated balloon for his birthday. It didn’t go down very well.” Wordplay



“In my first week at School, during P.E., we were all asked to take part in a “bleep test”.

I managed fourteen c*nts and seven wa*kers before the headmaster finally caught me.” Wordplay



“A woman aged 100 years was beaten to death with a cricket bat. A spokesman said, “She had a good innings”.” Wordplay



“What do you call dyslexic owls? Slow.” Wordplay



I don’t like PerI PerI chicken, but my Nandos Wordplay



Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery. Wordplay



“How do Geordies listen to music? On a Why iPod” Wordplay



I’ve got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting. Wordplay



“My mate received an email yesterday asking him to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it, it sounds like they are fly phishing.” Wordplay



Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage. Wordplay



“A soon as my daughter came home today I called her into the front room. “Jane, you know the extra special present I got you for Christmas last year,” I said, “Well, if you come and look in the garden, I think you’ll find that I’ve managed to top it”. Squealing peals of excitement, she sprinted to the back door and ran outside with a huge grin on her face. I don’t know why she looked so surprised though, when she saw her pony lying motionless on the lawn, blood pouring from the single bullet wound to its head.” Wordplay



“It’s a strange world we live in… …a world where the film ‘Grease’ makes more Money than the country ‘Greece’.” Wordplay



“I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately tell you what condition a painting is in. It’s state-of-the-art technology.” Wordplay



“Some people have a way with words, others not have way.” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the woman who mistook her superglue for lube? I don’t suppose you would have – her lips are sealed.” Wordplay



"Primark's New Slogan- Clothes make the man Children make the clothes" Wordplay



“My girlfriend bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of vermicelli. You should’ve seen her face as I drove pasta.” Wordplay



“I caused an uproar at the zoo today. I was filling lions with helium.” Wordplay



“I just covered my nuts in chocolate and dunked them in my girlfriend’s mouth.

Who says I don’t know how to Treat a lady?” Wordplay



I’m on a mission to wipe out all stores from a German multi-national supermarket chain. It will take a long Time but I’ll do it – Lidl by Lidl. Wordplay



“Working as a cake waiter at a wedding, I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room. I immediately took a fancy to her.” Wordplay



“I told my mate that I secretly married my girlfriend yesterday without my wife knowing. He said “Bigamy, disgusting.” I said, “No, skinny Susan, and she’s gorgeous.” Wordplay



Two hours ago, I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper. He’s still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it. Wordplay



All the good Puns about the periodic table argon. Wordplay



If I was in the Real IRA, I’d move to Spain and start a football club. Wordplay



“I’ve just made some serious Money. I took a fiver and drew a furrowed brow on the Queen.” Wordplay



I’m going to open up a pub exclusively for rapists, and name it ‘The Fawcett Inn’ Wordplay



“I always get my nan bread from the kebab shop… I don’t know why; she’s been dead thirty years.” Wordplay



I remember when my parents died, all they left me was a globe. It meant the world to me…. Wordplay



“A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday. She was stunning.” Wordplay



I just knew I was going to get thrown out of the optimism society. Wordplay



“I was reading this guy’s paper on the bus today, he kept turning the page and I couldn’t keep up.

Almost sprained my ankle running alongside it too.” Wordplay



“I like to think I learn from my mistakes. Last night is a perfect example. My son and daughter showed me how to operate my new DVD player.” Wordplay



“I’m Working hard today. The fit girl sat opposite me is wearing a low-cut top.” Wordplay



My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know. Wordplay



“I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket Science.” Wordplay



“My friend has a job selling drugs in an area where the police never go through. I asked him if he could describe his occupation in one word, what would it be? He replied: “Ideal.” Wordplay



“I Work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.

It’s a rewarding job.” Wordplay



I didn’t like my haircut at first, but it grew on me. Wordplay



After a police tip off, a raid on an aluminum factory has been foiled. Wordplay



“My girlfriend always insists on turning off the lights when we make love. It doesn’t really bother me, but it’s the hiding that seems so cruel.” Wordplay



BBC News: Teacher Peter Harvey beat a pupil around the head with a dumbbell while shouting “die, die, die,” a court heard today. That’ll teach him for not knowing what the singular of “dice” is.” Wordplay



“My father Worked in a steel fabrication plant. They didn’t produce anything, they just said they did.” Wordplay



“A policeman asked me to come down to the station for an interview. I haven’t even applied for a job there.” Wordplay



SKY NEWS: Supernova Star Burst ‘Could Wipe Out Earth’. There was never this sort of problem when they were called Opal Fruits.” Wordplay



“When I moved into my new house one of my Neighbors came around and asked if I wanted to sign up for the Neighborhood Watch. Obviously, I refused, given my wife had only just bought me one for my birthday and I could look at it any Time I wanted to.” Wordplay



“If I had a billion pounds for every Time I underestimated… I would be a millionaire.” Wordplay



“There are free things in life I’ll never understand Spelling and counting” Wordplay



“What berries do fat people enjoy the most? Cadburys.” Wordplay



“I just bought a new underscore key for my laptop. I got it for next to nothing.” Wordplay



“I felt sick today. I’m not sure whose it was but it had carrots in it.” Wordplay



“My jokes have got a lot in common with Chile miners. They all seem to get buried.” Wordplay



“I distorted a Tortoise earlier. Now it’s just an Oise.” Wordplay



Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car..I’ve never looked back Wordplay



“I hate that awkward moment in the restaurant when you realize you don’t know how much to tip. The wife tells you you’re tipping way too much, but you ignore her and then… you fall backwards off your chair into the fish tank.” Wordplay



“My recent trip to France did nothing to shake their reputation as cowardly surrender monkeys. I was only trying to be nice – smiling, holding open doors and minding my manners – but all they ever did was beg for mercy.” Wordplay



Note to self: I need to stop talking to myself. Wordplay



What’s the Big Issue with homeless people? Wordplay



“Pirate cheerleaders have it easy. “Give me an R!”…” Wordplay



“This random guy came up to me in the street and said, “Hey, brother from another mother!” It was charming but, nevertheless, a cruel way to find out that I’m adopted.” Wordplay



“I always get pickle and chutney mixed up. It makes me chuckle.” Wordplay



Saw a bright star tonight. My wife said it was called the Dog Star. I thought “can’t be Sirius”. Wordplay



"If you're not part of the solution...you're either a solid or a gas.- Or you're part of the precipitate. How sublime" Wordplay



“I have an addiction to Cheddar cheese. Although it’s only mild.” Wordplay



“I asked the bloke at the garage how much I owed him for a new tire he fitted for me today. He said, “Just give me a score mate”. So, I replied, “Man Utd won 3-0 at the weekend”. And drove off.” Wordplay



“In an effort to defeat Superman, I’ve joined a Los Angeles street gang. Superman won’t stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.” Wordplay



I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. Wordplay



“Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?” Ted: “Sure, what is it?” Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.” Wordplay



“I’ve been seeing someone behind my girlfriend’s back. I think she’s got a stalker.” Wordplay



A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. Wordplay



“I sold someone some cannabis the other day. When he handed over his Money, I asked, “anything else?” He said, “an’ a gram of cocaine please mate” I paused for a minute before saying with uncertainty… “Oceanic?” Wordplay



“Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the hotel bathroom of a retired French footballer. Police have confirmed its murder on Zidane’s floor.” Wordplay



“I had a can of Pepsi today, it said, “You could win a Nokia 5800 every 10 minutes.”

What would I do with all those phones?” Wordplay



“I’ve just got my first job interview in two years! Until then I’m going to have to sign on.” Wordplay



“I went to a sad film at the cinema last night, and the man behind me starting wailing.

I got hit in the head with a harpoon.” Wordplay



“Doctor: I’ve got the results of your test; you have gonorrhoea, chlamydia and onomatopoeia. Me: What’s onomatopoeia? Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.” Wordplay



“I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny. I then saved it as ‘What’s Up.doc’” Wordplay



“I asked my mate the other day, “Where’s your mum from?” He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.” Wordplay



“I’m a philosopher. I think.” Wordplay



“I walked into a dentist in Scotland. I said to the receptionist, “HI there, I was wondering if you could help me with this pain in my tooth.” She said, “Aye.” I said, “No, tooth.” Wordplay



“Hearing aid for sale. Give me a shout if you’re interested.” Wordplay



I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust. Wordplay



“What do you call an alligator wearing a tank top? An investigator.” Wordplay



“I’ve been up all night answering questions about resistors. My Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm Work.” Wordplay



“In my spare Time I like to dress up as a knight, and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse. I call myself Medieval Knievel.” Wordplay



“Daily Mail: “Heart stopping moment a great white shark attacked a fishing boat full of friends” Well, I doubt they’re his friends now.” Wordplay



“My wife’s really into threesomes. Shame it’s starters, mains and desserts.” Wordplay

  1. “2B or not 2B? I don’t think I’ve ever put this much thought into which shade of pencil to use before.” Wordplay



“The Time will never be wrong. Not on my watch.” Wordplay



“My boss says I tire too easily. Which is why I’m Kwik-Fit fitter of the month for January.” Wordplay



“I just saw a bird playing chess in the park. Toucan play at that game.” Wordplay



“This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator was Working fine, today it isn’t Working at all. It just doesn’t add up.” Wordplay



I saw a beaver movie last night; it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen. Wordplay



When it came down to a war of words, T-Rex was no match for Thesaurus Wordplay



“Having fake teeth. That’ll denture confidence” Wordplay



“Premier Inn, everything is premier, except the Inn.” Wordplay



“I was arrested yesterday for driving my car into the local branch of Staples. Seems I took a wrong turning just before the A4.” Wordplay



“I cooked pancakes this morning… It didn’t go down too well with the kids, he was their favorite rabbit.” Wordplay



“I just bought my 6-month-old son one of those baby bouncers. 10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe” Wordplay



“Ho Ho Ho! But enough about the Kardashians, Merry Christmas!” Wordplay



“I have invited a girl from Work around to my house tonight for a fireworks party. I’m hoping to explode in her face.” Wordplay



“I was attacked by a tobacconist. I’ve still got the cigars to prove it.” Wordplay



“I gave my wife a gobstopper for Christmas. It hasn’t.” Wordplay



Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect. Wordplay



“A man came up to me and said, “Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.” I said, “That is very annoying.” He said, “Well I can only apologize.” Wordplay



“I was bored last night, so I tied some helium balloons to my whiskey collection. It certainly raised my spirits.” Wordplay



I’m thinking about buying a greyhound, don’t know what the wife is going to say so I’ll run it by her first. Wordplay



My wife and I are house hunting at the moment, our estate agent called yesterday and told us he had a great semi he wanted to show us. Whilst I have to admit we were pleasantly surprised, I really don’t think it’s worth a phone call unless its fully erect. Wordplay



“I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six Times and there isn’t.” Wordplay



“David Cameron is a two-faced liar, just like all the other politicians. He spends the whole election campaign vowing to be tough on immigration, yet the minute he becomes prime minister, he employs a foreign secretary.” Wordplay



Campanology…That rings a bell. Wordplay



I used to be good at Math. That was until they decided to add the alphabet to it. Wordplay



“My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds. These days, she’s more of a large.” Wordplay



“Walked into a nightclub the other night wearing my ref’s kit, pushed my way through the crowd, placed a football in the middle of the dance floor & blew my whistle. It kicked off.” Wordplay



“In School, my teacher asked me if I had any of my own math equipment. I said “I have a broken abacus”. She said “That doesn’t count”.” Wordplay



“I went to the Q Awards last night. It took me three hours to get in.” Wordplay



“I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. “Help!” She screamed. “I don’t want to die this way!” So, I ran over and slit her throat.” Wordplay



“My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine. I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.” Wordplay



“This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!” After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?” The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!” Wordplay



“I joined a chocolate lovers’ forum the other day. I was asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and hazelnut. I said I used to but I no longer did. Then I was banned from the forum for going off topic.” Wordplay



“What’s done cannot be undone.” They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.” Wordplay



HERBS FOR SALE: Please, no thyme wasters. Wordplay



“Today, for my Dad’s birthday, I got up early and crept downstairs to the kitchen silently so I’d be able to surprise him with a full English breakfast in bed. But then my brother had to go and spill the beans…” Wordplay



It seems ridiculous that Cook wasn’t initially picked by the World Taekwondo Federation. I mean, WTF. Wordplay



“Worker dies in Forth Bridge fall” I’m just amazed he survived the first three.” Wordplay



“I could hear the wife moaning about a wobbly shelf in the kitchen. I soon fixed that.

I turned the telly up.” Wordplay



“I have found out the meaning of life. It’s a noun and the description is on page 327 of the Oxford English Dictionary.” Wordplay



“I was on holiday with the lads last week and wanted to get a picture of us all together. The only person around was a black man, so I handed him the camera and asked him to take it. So, he did.” Wordplay



“I said to my wife, “We need some sort of fence to protect our beloved goat”

She said, “Wire fence?” I said “For protection…” Wordplay



“I was in Asda the other day looking for some fancy dress for a Harry Potter party. I found this great broomstick and asked the cashier how much it was. “Those broomsticks?” he replied “They’re a Quidditch!” Wordplay



“I wasn’t always into peer pressure…… My friends got me into it.” Wordplay



“I went to the doctors with a red, itchy patch on my arm. I was told the arm had to be amputated.

Bit of a rash decision, if you ask me.” Wordplay



TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend thought it would be romantic to have tattoos of each other’s names. So she got a tattoo with my name and I changed her name by deed poll to Newcastle United.” Wordplay



BBC News:Marvel Comics introduces mixed-race Spider-Man. I wonder if his mother was a black widow?” Wordplay



“What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch? Half an hour like everybody else.” Wordplay



I was busy doing Rock Climbing this morning when I thought hang on… Wordplay



“I’m trying to write a book. I’ve already done a, b and o. I reckon the last bit should be ok.” Wordplay



“Christian Bale Reveals the Secret Behind His Long Hair’‘ Not getting a haircut?” Wordplay



“The heiress to the Johnson and Johnson empire has been found dead in her LA home. The family have asked for no more tears.” Wordplay



“What’s Coleen Rooney and Man Utd got in common? They both wish Wayne was Fit…” Wordplay



“I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost. Must have been a missing poster.” Wordplay



“See. Smell. Taste. Feel. I think I can adhere to that.” Wordplay



“I’ve decided to take up netball. I was a professional basketball player, but I couldn’t stand all the travelling.” Wordplay



“My wife is always ordering me around. In fact, I don’t think I’ve bought her ONE drink since we’ve been together.” Wordplay



My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis. Wordplay



I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica. Wordplay



Every Time I finish a Mars Bar and throw away the packet, I smile ironically and wish it was that easy to destroy a black rapper. Wordplay



“When are lawyers guaranteed to lose a case? At Heathrow.” Wordplay



“I find it difficult to count in Roman numerals until the number 159. Then it just CLIX.” Wordplay



“How do you make teenage boys more interested in history? Teach them how to delete it.” Wordplay



Me and my son were on the tube earlier today when eventually I just sighed and said, “We’re never gonna get this last bit of toothpaste out.” Wordplay



“I got into a fight last night and the guy pulled a razor out. He would have used it too, if he’d found somewhere to plug it in.” Wordplay



“Just seen a sign outside B&Q: “Stainless Steel Sinks”. Bit obvious, I thought.” Wordplay



I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. Wordplay



“I keep having reocurring nightmares where I’m surrounded by loads of nude pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?” Wordplay



“Apprehended : The new App that reminds you your hen is dead.” Wordplay



‘My post box’ has got nine letters in it. Wordplay



BREAKING NEWS: repair man wanted. Wordplay



Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforeseen events. Wordplay



Ok so we lost, let’s not make Emile out of it. Wordplay



“What does God call his nose? God knows.” Wordplay



Treadmills get you nowhere. Wordplay



“I’m planning on becoming a shepherd. It’s easy, I herd.” Wordplay



“I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. “Just make sure it’s nice.” she said.

Biscuits it is then.” Wordplay



“Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks, “Have you Worked with chemicals before?” Paddy replies, “Yes.” The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?” Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s Time and a half.” Wordplay



“I’ve got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can’t wait two metre.” Wordplay



“My new girlfriend really takes my breath away. She’s inflatable.” Wordplay



“I’ve written a book about an Apartment block for Midgets. It’s a collection of short storeys.” Wordplay



Infinity is simply nothing, with a twist. Wordplay



“I was mentally undressing this girl at Work today. She was no match for my garden shears.” Wordplay



“The Black Death. Should be avoided like the…well, just try not to get it.” Wordplay



“I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat.” Wordplay



“I got drunk last night. Serves me right for swimming in a cup of tea.” Wordplay



“My uncle Works for a company that makes bicycle wheels He’s the Spokesman.” Wordplay



“I went to see my doctor with chronic depression and said, “Feeling any happier these days’ doc?” Wordplay



“I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife. She wears a lot of beads.” Wordplay



“One of my relatives died at 03:00am this morning, and I’m not too bothered by it. I guess that I’m just not a mourning person.” Wordplay



“A man’s been found guilty of death by dangerous driving after running down 5 people whilst eating weetabix at the wheel of his car. When quizzed on why he had done this he simply replied ‘I just couldn’t breakfast enough’” Wordplay



“Welsh cheerleaders. Putting the ‘‘go! go! go!’‘ into Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.” Wordplay



I keep asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying ‘No’. I seem to be looking for love in Alderaan places. Wordplay



SKY NEWS: Explosion at veterinary clinic. It’s been raining cats and dogs ever since.” Wordplay



“My wife went for a job interview to Work at an old people’s home. She got the job and when she came home she wasn’t really bothered. I don’t think she cares.” Wordplay



“I asked for a battery powered clock in the shop today. When I got it home, I noticed that the man gave me the wrong one. It was a wind up.” Wordplay



“My Math teacher wrote on my report “He’s one in a million but maybe his only downfall is he’s too clever for his own good” I’m one in seven billion you idiots.” Wordplay



Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Wordplay



“My mate certainly knows how to make an entrance. He just put up my new front door.” Wordplay



“My mate swallowed his phone and got it stuck in his throat, I had to ring his neck.” Wordplay



“In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour. The one on the left was lying on a horse skin, the one in the right was lying on a buffalo skin and the one in the middle was lying on a hippo skin. The one on the hippo skin gave birth to twins, the other two gave birth to single babies. This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.” Wordplay



I was on this line that met a geometrical curve at a common point without actually intersecting its surface……….sorry, I went off on a tangent there. Wordplay



“I flew into Sydney for the comedy festival and I was held up at the airport. They asked me the purpose of my visit and I said, “I’m here to shoot a pilot.” Wordplay



“I’m not a Racist. Some of my best friend is Black”, claimed the Zebra. Wordplay



“A man once offered me a thousand pounds to orally pleasure him. A thousand pounds. Well, I had my chance and I blew it.” Wordplay



“My wife and I were having a little argument about what had happened during our recent holiday to Egypt. I protested that I never went swimming. She said I was in denial.” Wordplay



“I was just chatting with my aunt on my mother’s side. They’re conjoined twins.” Wordplay



“I’d never hit a child with a keyboard. But I’d like to Ctrl and F1.” Wordplay



“Whenever anybody asks what I do. I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard. Sounds better than telling them I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.” Wordplay



“I’ve just bought a shire horse. As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough” Wordplay



“My mate swears that he dreams in color. I say it’s just a pigment of his imagination.” Wordplay



“I came home from Work early today and caught my wife in bed with another bloke. I was angry but I refrained from going ballistic. I opted for a melee weapon instead.” Wordplay



“Wish I hadn’t bought a house in Grimsby. Neighbors from Hull.” Wordplay



Ah…The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate Wordplay



“If someone asks you to spell “Part A” backwards, don’t do it. It’s a trap……” Wordplay



“If guns don’t kill people, people kill people – Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast, toast toasts toast?” Wordplay



“I remember when the policeman asked me if I was going to come quietly. I said, “I’ll try, but those handcuffs really excite me.” Wordplay



Police in Oswestry have arrested a man outside a pub after he was heard to say “I could murder a couple of Fosters” Wordplay



I rang SeaWorld the other day, because I wanted some information. Before I got through to an employee, I got a tape telling me “This call may be recorded for training porpoises.” Wordplay



“I went to see a counsellor. I told him, “I feel really angro, very encshus, and I’m parinod.” “Sounds like you have trouble expressing your emotions,” he told me.” Wordplay



“On 05/04, we tried to cast out a demon, but you weren’t home.” – The Fed Exorcist” Wordplay



“A doctor removed my appendix the other day. Apparently, I shouldn’t have been reading in his office.” Wordplay



It’s hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is. Wordplay



“I only buy British soil. I don’t like any of that foreign muck.” Wordplay



“I’m completely addicted to eating skittles. Which is probably why I’m banned from all the bowling alleys in town.” Wordplay



“I’ve just thrown a washing machine at my wife… Bosch.” Wordplay



School kids hurt in ventilation collapse (should have duct) Wordplay



“A friend of mine asked me to be usher at his wedding last week. But when I blacked up, stripped off my shirt and sang R&B, he wasn’t very happy.” Wordplay



“I’m giving away a free gate. Honestly, there’s no catch.” Wordplay



“My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator, it didn’t go down well.” Wordplay



The word "duck" is 75% obscene. Wordplay



“I can’t wait to see the Queen’s diamond jubilee. Fancy getting a vajazzle at her age.” Wordplay



Convicted “British” PakI drug-smuggler Akmal Shaikh thought he was getting death by ganja when the Chinese said “We gon’ gif you reefer injection” Wordplay



“What’s the difference between getting a fizzy orange drink up a straw and my daughter’s Christmas Day fantasy? One’s sucking Fanta…” Wordplay



“I never question myself. Why should I start now?” Wordplay



“I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off. Luckily I took it to Tesco, Britain’s biggest retailer.” Wordplay



“What do you call a Russian electrician? Switchitonanov” Wordplay



“Snow White didn’t achieve much in her life but she managed to turn one of the dwarves purple. At least she dyed Happy.” Wordplay



“My wife has a fetish for the knights from Monty Python. They make her go weak at the Ni’s.” Wordplay



“I find it really hard to hold my beer, especially in the winter. I think it’s the mittens.” Wordplay



“What did the egg say to the boiling water? “It may take a while for me to get hard, I got laid yesterday.” Wordplay



“A Rastafarian just gave me a haircut. I look dreadful.” Wordplay



“I just witnessed a kidnapping. So, when his mother’s back was turned, I grabbed him.” Wordplay



My fear of insomnia keeps me awake at night. Wordplay



Hooters should do a home delivery service and call it Knockers. Wordplay



“Sarah Jessica Parker, Princess Anne, Camilla Parker Bowles and Leona Lewis are going to star in a show about rich, pampered women looking for love. Desperate Horsewives.” Wordplay



“I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm on the other hand I might not bother.” Wordplay



“I turned down a foursome with my girlfriend and her two mates this morning. It’s too cold to play golf until the spring for me.” Wordplay



“Mark Knopfler asked if I could look after his hens while he was away on tour.

He even said he’d pay me. I just popped around every day and threw them a handful of corn.

It was Money for nothing and I got some chicks for free.” Wordplay



“It’s just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war. Stan Welbeck” Wordplay



I went to the missing persons’ bureau, but there was no-one there. Wordplay



Breaking News: Ne ws Wordplay



“‘Ten clowns arrested in a raid at a circus.’ Police reported large pockets of resistance.” Wordplay



“My Korean friend died last week. So Yung…” Wordplay



“He wears stockings, carries a knife and sneaks into little girls’ bedrooms. I’m amazed Peter Pan has got away with it for as long as he has.” Wordplay



“I spent the whole of last night watching Desperate Housewives. I set up a webcam at my wife’s Ann Summers party.” Wordplay



“I found my perfect match today. Redhead, stick thin, well-kept box, if a bit rough on the edges.

Seemed a shame to strike it.” Wordplay



The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof. Wordplay



“Last weekend I pitched a business idea to a mate, and last night he turns up on my doorstep with all kinds of brochures about pet shampoo and hair clippers. Apparently, we have very different ideas about what opening ‘The Ultimate Grooming Parlour’ would involve.” Wordplay



“I went to the pub last night for a few pints. My mate was in a terrible state… Texas. Wordplay



“I like my women as I like my tea. Chopped up, put in bags and thrown in water.” Wordplay



“I got a lift to Work this morning. Now people don’t have to use the stairs.” Wordplay



Cashiers are always checking me out. Wordplay



“I’ve been sending my mum a card every Mother’s Day for the last fifty years. If she can stay alive for another two, she’ll have a full deck.” Wordplay



“I was climbing Big Ben for charity, when suddenly my rope broke and I fell! But luckily I got snagged on the big hand of the clock, and then I thought… Hang on a minute….” Wordplay



Just who is this Mark Scheme who keeps getting full marks on all the math tests? Wordplay



“Just been watching the lion the witch and the wardrobe. My wife and her mum were carrying our new Ikea flat pack.” Wordplay



“I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings then selling it to British Airways. I know what you’re thinking; it’ll never take off.” Wordplay



“I had a go at blackjack last night. We’re mates again now though.” Wordplay



“Heidi Klum asked me if I’d mind going to the chemist for her to pick up some Prozac for her husband. I said ok, and off I went. It was only when I got to the counter to pay, that I noticed the bottle cap read; “Do not purchase if seal is depressed” Wasn’t that the whole point?” Wordplay



“I was sat on the tube next to the wife earlier and thought to myself… …I wish she’d hurry up and die or the nurse might notice her oxygens dropped.” Wordplay



“Anyone ever noticed that 3.14 looks a bit like Pie backwards? Yes, I know, I should be getting a life for Christmas.” Wordplay



“Hairdresser dies at Salon” Not that shocking, I would have thought dying was in her job description.” Wordplay



“This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit. It’s just a front.” Wordplay



“I told my fiancée and friends that I wanted to racially segregate our wedding. They didn’t really warm to it. I was met with a mixed reception.” Wordplay



“I’m starting a one-man band. Email me if you’re interested.” Wordplay



“Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”. They also do takeaways.” Wordplay



“Just had a sage and onion enema. It’s knocked the stuffing out of me.” Wordplay



“Last night was a close call, I got the girlfriend out the house seconds before the wife came home. I was feeling quite pleased with myself as we got into bed, then the relationship hit a sticky patch..” Wordplay



“I’ve just read that 1 bus takes on average 10 cars off the road. Personally, I think it depends on how aggressive the bus driver is.” Wordplay



“My son asked me if it was ok to smoke crack in the snow. I said “It certainly is, son, as long as you don’t in hail.” Wordplay



“African boxer Mongo Umbongo successfully returns to the ring after having both legs amputated below the knee following a landmine accident. His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeat.” Wordplay



“My local pub has decided it will donate all the Money raised from its special ‘Indian Set Meal’ to help the starving people of India. It consists of a Chicken Bury Auntie, a Nan Dead and a Papa Gone.” Wordplay



I said to my wife “you look slinky”, as she stood at the top of the stairs. … Wordplay



“A gorgeous blonde in our office said to me the other day, “Would you like some of my Cherryade?” I replied, “I don’t mind if I do, but I’d prefer it if you called me Adrian.” Wordplay



“I asked my local butcher if his lamb was any good. He said I’d never get better.

He was right. I’ve contracted amebic dysentry and life threatening toxoplasmosis.” Wordplay



“I went to see one of those motivational speakers today… Well…I nearly did.” Wordplay



“A woman walks up to a handsome man in a nightclub and shouts: ‘Fat penguin!’

‘Pardon?’ he says, looking bemused. ‘Sorry,’ she replies. ‘I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice.’” Wordplay



I wanted to be an axe murderer, but I couldn’t quite hack it. Wordplay



“I’m afraid of black, English strikers I’m Jermain Dephobic” Wordplay



“My new band is called ‘DEAF’… We’ve just been signed.” Wordplay



“Rare white tiger kills zoo keeper… That’s why I prefer my tigers medium to well done…” Wordplay



“I’ve written a book on how to cut onions. Read it and weep.” Wordplay



“My grandma had a nasty trip last week. Thought she was being eaten by a purple unicorn.” Wordplay



“I took some poppers at a party the other night, and it spun me right out. I only remember a loud bang, then waking up covered in confetti.” Wordplay



“I was walked down the street the other day when a man pops out and starts throwing words beginning with ‘th’ at me. I dodged This and There but I didn’t see That coming.” Wordplay



Disposable beds are unreliable. Wordplay



“Samoa. The answer to “What’s that in the shed?” Wordplay



“I got chatting to this really fit bird in a club the other week. After a few drinks and that, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place. “Do you have cable?” she asked. “Don’t be daft,” I said. “I’ve got some rope in the garage that’s just as strong.” Wordplay



“I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn. I said, “Dawn, please get off my face.” Wordplay



I’m sure I’ve already posted my joke about Deja Vu! Wordplay



“Apparently, when two women live together, their periods can become synchronized.

I found that out from two girls who share a pad.” Wordplay



“I’ve been off Work all this week because my pet cow is sick. My boss just called to say he thinks I’m milking it.” Wordplay



“I shaved my husband’s moustache while he was asleep I did it right underneath his nose” Wordplay



“A guy tried robbing me at knife point, luckily I managed to disarm him. I’d just bought a chainsaw.” Wordplay



Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words. Wordplay



“My dad’s just been telling us why he should be employee of the month at Samsonite this month. To be fair he does make a good case.” Wordplay



“What do you call a couple that go fishing together? Rod and Annette.” Wordplay



“I turned myself in to the police today. I went out with a taser and chased some black people” Wordplay



It’s going to be drizzly outside. Expect a lil wayne. Wordplay



“A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first Time, and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them some drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He asks, “What’s this?” She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.” He goes, “Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn’t know. I uh…” She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.” Wordplay



“I fingered my sister the other day. I mean, what else was I supposed to do when my Dad said, “Who ate the last biscuit?” Wordplay



“Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper. Only with more headlines.” Wordplay



Ivory hunters, tsk tsk. Wordplay



Stonehenge Rocks. Wordplay



“I’m not afraid of flying. I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet in the air and suddenly “not” flying.” Wordplay



“Adoption jokes – There’s never a good Time to tell them.” Wordplay



“As a teenager, I once smashed up a nestful of heron’s eggs. No egrets.” Wordplay



Guns don’t kill people. Raptures do. Wordplay



“Being the gentleman that I am, I offered a seat to a lady on the bus today. The person sitting there wasn’t too happy though.” Wordplay



“That’s it! Three strikes, and you’re out.” My bowling team hates overachievers.” Wordplay



I walked into a clock shop and said to the owner, “Are you some kind of wind-up merchant?” Wordplay



“Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped and cut into his leg with a chainsaw. He lost a lot of blood, but although they managed to stem the flow, paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend asked me to recommend a tv series boxset for her to buy. I told her to get Lost. For some reason she came over last night with all the dvd’s, why can’t she take the hint that its over?” Wordplay



“Wife walks in on husband reading her diary. Wife – “why have you been going through my wardrobe again?” Husband – “I was looking for a lion and a witch.” Wife – “that’s none of your business!” Husband – “I think you’ll find that’s Narnia business.” Wordplay



Three boys were having a urination contest on a wall, trying to aim as high as possible. One of the mothers came along and scolded them for making a mess of a public wall. So when the fathers asked their sons about what the mother did to them, the sons all said, “she hit the roof.” The fathers then replied, “did she win?” Wordplay



“My wife called me into the bathroom and asked me to wash her back. I don’t remember her washing me in the first place.” Wordplay



“There is a remote tribe that worships the number Zero. Is nothing sacred?” Wordplay



“I’ve not managed to get any Work for 3 months now, at my job in the condiment factory. Apparently, the demand for staff there is seasonal.” Wordplay



“I can’t believe it’s pancake Tuesday again. Honestly, it just crped up on me.” Wordplay



“My mate told me that he played in goal for Chelsea; just in case he was lying I thought I’d.. Petr Cech” Wordplay



“As Shakespeare used to say: Prose before hoes.” Wordplay



To those men who whinge and whine saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples, I say, “Grow a pear.” Wordplay



“I was cleaning my flat today when suddenly I thought… Why don’t I just buy a new tyre?” Wordplay



“There was a demonstration by homeless people in town today. They were demanding change.” Wordplay



“What is Stephen Hawking’s favorite cream? sQWERTY.” Wordplay



I’ve been developing a photographic memory. Wordplay



“My Dad blames me for his descent into the filthy world of kerb crawling. He’s got a point really; I did sell his wheelchair on e-bay.” Wordplay



“I went to the doctors today about my addiction to astrology. He said “What are the signs?” Wordplay



“How do you make a fruit cordial? Compliment his shoes.” Wordplay



BBC News: ‘Man kidnaps his own clone.’ Neighbors say he kept himself to himself.” Wordplay



“I asked my nephew what he wants for his 18th birthday. He said, “Uncle Osama, what I really want is 72 virgins to do whatever I want with.” Well, if that’s what he wants then that’s what he’ll have. It’s going to cost him a bomb though.” Wordplay



BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business… It’s probably best they stick to making sauces.” Wordplay



My girlfriend likes a good six-pack in a guy. Funnily enough, I need a good six-pack in me to like the girlfriend. Wordplay



50 Cent’s real name is Arthur Dollar. Wordplay



The problem with employing homeless people is that they don’t think outside the box. Wordplay



“I’ve just joined The Magic Circle. It was just a Magic Curved Line before.” Wordplay



“I got a mug shot taken today. Why I had a picture of a mug, I don’t know.” Wordplay



“What do you call a cautious Russian wasp? a K.G.B” Wordplay



“A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint. He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too. “No thanks,” replies Vincent. “I’ve got one ear.” Wordplay



A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says “Audi!” Wordplay



“To keep slim I jump queues. It reduces my wait.” Wordplay



“I’ve just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1; I couldn’t hear it very well, though.” Wordplay



“Despite the stereotype, I know many black men who are on the payroll. ..sorry..

..it’s spelt ‘parole’” Wordplay



My new book about Poltergeists is flying off the shelves. Wordplay



"When life gives you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodexrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium furnarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours... Make lemonade" Wordplay



“I’ve been out of Work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.” Wordplay



“I was in bed with this bird last night and she asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off. I thought,’ That’s a bit saucy.’” Wordplay



“I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs. It’s just the same old thong and dance.” Wordplay



“If I ever found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world…

I think I’d go to the hospital, because it sounds serious.” Wordplay



“I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor. Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990, the police said I had a history of violins.” Wordplay



“I quit my job as a deep-sea diver today. I just couldn’t take the pressure.” Wordplay



If Benitez asked his Liverpool squad to push pineapples and shake a tree, what would Agger do? Wordplay



“I heard about this tv game show and thought the wife would be perfect for it. However, when I read the application form it turned out I heard it wrong. It’s actually called “Fact Hunt” Wordplay



“My wife bought me a shot of Botox for my birthday… I didn’t look that suprised.” Wordplay



“I got a parking ticket yesterday for parking in a spot with a wheelchair on it. The police must have heard the guy screaming.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend asked me the other day, “Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?”

I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.” Wordplay



“If there’s one thing that always makes me laugh. N2O.” Wordplay



I took my missus out for dinner the other night but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the table. Eventually, I managed to order a steak. She ended up getting toed in the hole Wordplay



“My girlfriend’s engagement ring cost me four figures… R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.” Wordplay



“Hollywood. It’s made a huge name for itself.” Wordplay



“Someone just called my mate an ape. I took offense because he’s my prime mate.” Wordplay



“My friend stepped on a land mine for the second Time a few days ago; I’m helping him find his feet again.” Wordplay



“Leroy said, “I’ve got a really bad headache.” I asked, “Have you taken anything?”

He replied, “A couple of aspirin.” I said, “No, have you taken anything? My wallet is missing.” Wordplay



A Mistress is what goes in between a Mister and a Mattress. Wordplay



If there’s two things I hate, it’s that I can’t count. Wordplay



“I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable patch tonight. Lettuce turnip the beet.” Wordplay



“I’ve just heard the shocking news about Elton John dying! I always thought that was his natural hair color.” Wordplay



“I was sat on the train, and a ginger bloke near me received a text. I thought, “It must be from Orange.” Wordplay



“They believe Michael Jackson’s death was due to heredity issues. The doctors say the cause may have been his Billy gene.” Wordplay



“I might become a window cleaner,” my wife said hilariously. “I’ve just found a ladder in my tights!” “You should, dear,” I replied. “You’ve already got a bucket in your knickers.” Wordplay



Yesterday I saw a red cross nurse. I would have preferred a blonde cheerful one. Wordplay



“My wife told me some words mean the world to her… They do to me too, like earth, globe and planet.” Wordplay



“When I was at the garden center today I asked for something herby. . They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver” Wordplay



I wanted to join the police but I failed the screening process. I couldn’t even play ‘Every Breath You Take’. Wordplay



How subtle is the b in subtle? Wordplay



“My grandma has been given the dreadful news that she’s suffering from colon cancer and will need surgery to remove part of her bowel. On a positive note, she’ll still have a semi-colon.” Wordplay



“My friend asked me to rewire his house. Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse.” Wordplay



“The wife and I are trying to get pregnant… I’ll be honest… I think she’ll get there first.” Wordplay



“Isn’t the English language strange? Literally speaking, the opposite of up-lifting must be down-dropping. Which sounds like dropping a kid with learning disabilities down some stairs. Which I personally find very uplifting.” Wordplay



“I’m a proud Geordie and just read that the best place to live and raise a family is Scandinavia.

Norway…” Wordplay



“For the last three weeks I’ve received letters that read ‘innit blud, you is lovin da jerk chickin. Peace.’ I just couldn’t understand it. Turns out I was being black-mailed..” Wordplay



“I got sacked from my job at the clock factory. I just stood around making faces all day.” Wordplay



“I managed to upset people today at my wife’s funeral today by asking them if they enjoyed the service… Most of them think I shouldn’t have been playing Tennis.” Wordplay



“Our ‘Relate’ Counsellor said my wife and I needed to talk about the elephant in the room. I turned to my wife and said ‘‘see, even she thinks you’re fat” Wordplay



I’ve always found the letter “n” divides opinion. Wordplay



“Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.” Wordplay



A bloke sees a cat in the window of a pet shop with a sign saying ‘Cats from Holland for sale’ so he goes in and says, “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?” Wordplay



“I had an argument with my Neighbor about my trees growing over his fence. When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.” Wordplay



“My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells and told me I had to lift them all over the next quarter of an hour. Weight a minute…” Wordplay



Polce Toay Announce They Are Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts. Wordplay



“Walking. It’s the way forward.” Wordplay



“Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it. I thought to myself, ‘Wow, what a counter attack.’” Wordplay



All of my clothes come with a “Warning: may contain nudity” tag. Wordplay



“What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Wow, nice belt” Wordplay



So, Gordon Brown and David Cameron have something in common…this year, they’ve both lost a Sun. Wordplay



“My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning. I refused.” Wordplay



Are they ever going to find out if its Maybelline or not? Wordplay



I can’t believe Laura Robson has been knocked out of Wimbledon, before I even had a chance to knock one out over Laura. Wordplay



“I’m addicted to rehab…. But where do I go?” Wordplay



“What’s the trouble with BNP football team? They’re all right wings.” Wordplay



If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble. Wordplay



“I used to Work at Tesco in the fabric softener aisle but I’ve just moved to wines and spirits. I’m out of my comfort zone.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend was furious when she came home to find two naked women, covered in edible body paint and tied to our bed. I don’t know what her problem is, she said that she liked chocolatey Claires.” Wordplay



I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn’t win, but I came varicose. Wordplay



“The Self Service Checkout. Never have the words “This will be much quicker” been so short-lived.” Wordplay



“I had to phone in sick at Work today. The guy sat next to me at the call centre puked all over my chair.” Wordplay



“You know what? I really can’t stand sitting down.” Wordplay



BBC news headline – “Gang rips out 1km of phone cable”. As of yet the Police have, no leads” Wordplay



I keep buying rocket, but it always goes off before I can eat it. Wordplay



“My girlfriend keeps a picture of me in a locket hung around her neck, she thinks it brings us closer together. I think I’m independent.” Wordplay



“I went home to my wife after seeing the doctor, ‘‘Honey I have some bad news, I slept with 3 guys on holiday and now I have aids.’‘ ‘‘This has got to be a joke!’‘ she replied angrily.

‘‘Ok!’‘ I replied, ‘‘I slept with a Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman…’‘” Wordplay



Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Wordplay



“Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac. They’re just stereotypes.” Wordplay



“43 dead, while 75 left seriously injured after a Dr Pepper lorry crashed into primary School.

I’m pretty sure that’s the worst that could’ve happened.” Wordplay



“My wife said I could call our new daughter anything I like, So I called her bluff.” Wordplay



“I feel sorry for the 9/11 jumpers. They’ll never sell.” Wordplay



BBC News: ‘Girl hit by taser by mistake’ Shocking.” Wordplay



Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness…. I said to myself. Wordplay



Some people think they’re conkers, but they’re horse chestnut seeds. Wordplay



“In relation to the Boxing Day stabbing on Oxford Street, Detective Chief Inspector Dunne, of the Metropolitan Police’s homicide command, said that nothing was being discounted. Doesn’t sound like much of a Boxing Day sale to me.” Wordplay



SKY NEWS: Riot in Belgium: Kurds Clash With Police I always said yellow wasn’t their color.” Wordplay



“My wife said I’m addicted to comic book guy Worst. Accusation. Ever.” Wordplay



I asked my Magic 8-Ball which email program would it recommend. “Outlook not so good” it said. Thanks, 8 Ball! Wordplay



“I have a fantastic memory. In fact, I can’t remember the last Time I forgot something.” Wordplay



After that boy cried wolf I bet all of the village pedophiles were lining up. Wordplay



“Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes. I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.” Wordplay



“I bought a belt made entirely from five pound notes. It was a waist of Money.” Wordplay



“For Sale: Grandfather clock – only one part missing. Second hand.” Wordplay



“The definition of irony…. The drink of choice of the homeless being called Tennants.” Wordplay



“HI my name is Tomimem The ‘mime’ is silent” Wordplay



“It’s National Pasta Day! So, I’ve heard from my sauces.” Wordplay



“When it comes to making Money, I’ve got to hand it to my wife. All of it.” Wordplay



“As me and my son sat watching a scary film, the whimpering started and soon developed into hands covering the eyes in blind terror. At which point my son said, “Dad, is this another one of those predictable jokes when it turns out to be you blubbing and not me?” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the guy that trashed a Chinese restaurant? He’s being charged with Wonton Destruction.” Wordplay



“A man walked over to a kid playing with a huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments, he asked what its name was. The kid replied with, “Tiny.” “How on Earth did you ever get a name like that for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe. The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!” Wordplay



Mimes have an interesting job… to say the least. Wordplay



“What do you call a tall bloke from Baghdad? The high Iraqi.” Wordplay



I didn’t think my friend would be able to cure his own testicular cancer but he managed to pull it out of the bag. Wordplay



I was walking along a riverside the other day when a fisherman caught my eye. Wordplay



Only users lose drugs. Wordplay



“Celebrating my 9th wedding anniversary this weekend. And after 9 one year Marriages, I’m sure this wife is the one.” Wordplay



I started a campaign to raise Money to save exotic birds from extinction and stood outside Tesco’s rattling toucans to help macaws. Wordplay



“My mate got hit in the head by a jar of Nescafe that fell off a lorry. It was instant death.” Wordplay



“I come from a musical family. I lived in A flat.” Wordplay



“I looked up ‘Opaque’ in the dictionary today. The definition was not very clear.” Wordplay



When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said “oh, two or three”. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t Work… Wordplay



“My wife always said I was a turn-off. Which made it an easy decision to turn off her life support machine.” Wordplay



“When my castle was under attack I sent out my last remaining knight to do battle.

I shouted “I will never give in!” My enemy replied “Is that your final lancer?” Wordplay



BBC News: Man, arrested over missing woman Imagine if he’d have hit her” Wordplay



I hated School. My English teacher said that I would never amount to anything. I said to him, “Mark my words… that’s your job.” Wordplay



“I always win at Twister. Hands down.” Wordplay



“My wife said that I don’t play with our children enough. If only she knew.” Wordplay



“Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionized our lives. It’s the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.” Wordplay



“Me and my brother have had to close down our archery business. We didn’t hit any of our targets in the first 12 months.” Wordplay



“I bought a sniper rifle to try and shoot my wife. I climbed to the very top of a tree in the park and tried to shoot her as she climbed out of the car outside our house, but missed. Maybe I’m setting my sights too high.” Wordplay



“I caught the tube this morning. I really must be more careful when zipping up my trousers.” Wordplay



So, China have executed a British Muslim, now that’s what I call a Chinese Sheihkaway! Wordplay



“Congratulations to my wife. I am very proud of her as she has finally stopped smoking today. The crematorium has informed me that her ashes will be available for collection next Monday.” Wordplay



“12 shot dead at “soldier readiness station”. Well, they weren’t ready for that, were they?” Wordplay



“Went to the Ice Cream Van and asked for a 99, the Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands. I said no thanks mate, just the one.” Wordplay



“My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way. I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.” Wordplay



I bought some really odd shaped eggs but now I can’t find them. I think they’ve been mislaid. Wordplay



“I’ll never forget what my late grandmother once said to me. “Sorry, but the traffic was bad.” Wordplay



“I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, “Here, this is stale mate.” The shop-keeper said, “No it’s not.” I said, “Yes, it is. Check mate.” Wordplay



“BigPond news: ‘Apple sells 1.7m iPhones’. Will this version have the same features as the 115 millimetre iPhones?” Wordplay



I can’t stop reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. Wordplay



“You should have seen the heads turn when I walked into the local mosque earlier.

My neck snapping techniques are unbelievable.” Wordpl2ay



“‘All’s well that ends well’ Maybe except for, ‘I’m trapped down a…’” Wordplay



“Got an insurance quote today for my car. They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?” Wordplay



“Stupid or what. I live in a small village with the population of about 300 people.

So why has the local shop got a sign reading ‘ 2010 calendars in stock?’” Wordplay



“I have just filled my fish tank up to the top with Lilt. It looks totally tropical….” Wordplay



CNN News: At least 10 people killed in monster twister. Invite a vampire, a werewolf and Godzilla to play Twister and you’re just asking for it.” Wordplay



“My wife was looking through my laptop the other day while I was at Work. She found some indecent images of minors. What can I say? I just get really turned on by naked men digging for coal.” Wordplay



“I fell into a giant vat of liquid chocolate on a recent trip to Cadburys World. Fortunately for me, I came out of it smelling of Roses.” Wordplay



“Manchester United wiped the floor with Ajax tonight. As they have done every day since Darren Fletcher’s bowel condition was diagnosed.” Wordplay



“Met this beautiful girl today, but she was way out of my league, I thought.

She said to me, “Would you like to have dinner tonight?” I replied, “I like to have dinner every night.” Wordplay



“Movember” has been great fun, I’m not that ecstatic about “Fanuary” though. Wordplay



“I just sent a postcard back home to my ex-girlfriend, it read: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.” Wordplay



“I’ve booked a table at one of those new Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses. They’re for people who love meat tender.” Wordplay



“I was at a wedding yesterday and there were thirteen people sitting at the top table. I thought, “That’s an odd number.” Wordplay



“Did you hear about the man who listened to the match? He burnt his ear.” Wordplay



Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. Wordplay



“I walked up to the cheese counter in Asda last week. I interrupted him and he had to start again.” Wordplay



As they say in France, one man’s fish is another man’s poisson. Wordplay



“The fourth Batman film is being made in Denver. Shooting began earlier.” Wordplay



I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. Wordplay



“I just watched Nemo backwards and it made no sense at all. I think that’s an Omen.” Wordplay



“Left. There’s something not right about that.” Wordplay



“I was on my way to Work this morning when I saw a pheasant, a grouse and a partridge all dressed up as clowns. I thought to myself, “They’re game for a laugh.” Wordplay



I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. Wordplay



“What’s blue, has three feet and kills hundreds of children a year? A metre of water.” Wordplay



“My therapist isn’t being very supportive because she thinks I’m never going to be able to stop exposing myself to women. Well I’ll show her.” Wordplay



“I answered the door yesterday to a scientist asking my opinions on scientists taking tissue samples from the brain. I gave him a piece of my mind…” Wordplay



My wife drove me to drink… well a lift to the pub anyway. Wordplay



On reflection, vampires aren’t that scary. Wordplay



“I went on a fishing trip last weekend. I caught a huge multicolored fire-breathing whale.” Wordplay



“I’m going to give my son a new lead for his pet puppy this Christmas, I’ll tell him he’s buried alive somewhere in the left side of the garden.” Wordplay



Time flies when you throw clocks. Wordplay



“Everything is easier said than done. Except procrastination.” Wordplay



“I went to the hospital with appendicitis and the nurse said, “You need to see the doctor in that room, Dr Macheem.” “Which doctor?” “Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s primitive, any more racist comments and we shall not treat you.” Wordplay



“I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”. Unfortunately, I didn’t really understand the topic, so I got no Marx.” Wordplay



“I’ve been sacked from my job. Or as I prefer to think of it, I’m on eternity leave.” Wordplay



I’ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It’s very saucy. Wordplay



“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.” Wordplay



“I’m an easy target for muggers. Take it from me.” Wordplay



“I’ve got two words for you” “I can’t count” Wordplay



It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. Wordplay



“When I was younger, I went shoplifting in Ann Summers. I stole a vibrator. I didn’t need it, I only did it for the buzz.” Wordplay



“I was going to crack another joke about the Periodic Table. I then decided I didn’t want to make a Copper, Neutronium of myself…” Wordplay



“What’s the best way to gut a fish? Kill its family.” Wordplay



“Jill broke her finger today. But on the other hand, she was completely fine.” Wordplay



“Dear diary: Two days ago, I finally succeeded in my life’s only ambition of climbing Mount Everest, it’s been pretty much all downhill since then.” Wordplay



I miss the days when pop songs were about weasels. Wordplay



“I woke up this morning and it looked good out…… ……so I left it out” Wordplay



“My missus is always doing things to cheer me up. I got diagnosed with IBS earlier this week and she bought me The Simpsons trading card game. I have nearly all of them but I need Apu.” Wordplay



“My wife said my driving was like Mark Webber’s. I nearly flipped.” Wordplay



“I hate being a brunette. It’s just not fair.” Wordplay



“As a child, I was obsessed with posh spice. It cost my mum a fortune in saffron.” Wordplay



I don’t trust carpenters, they’re a crafty bunch. Wordplay



“I’d heard that Calvin Klein is bringing out a new fragrance… But it was just aroma.” Wordplay



“Jokes on Sickipedia are a lot like children. If you have stolen them, chances are…… they will also get buried.” Wordplay



“I told my girlfriend that I’d been a professional body builder for the last 10 years. She said “Really, you don’t look very strong”. I replied “You don’t have to be to reconstruct accident victims at the mortuary”.” Wordplay



I thought I’d found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed. Wordplay



“How does the barber cut the moon’s hair? Eclipse it.” Wordplay



I have an Eskimo fetish, but most people just aren’t that Inuit. Wordplay



“Nine of my mum’s sisters have been standing outside Miss Selfridges all night holding candles. You can’t beat vigil aunties.” Wordplay



I toss and turn for hours on end until I realize that making a salad isn’t going to relax me. Wordplay



“I went to a charity darts match last night, Heather Mills v Jake The Peg. Heather lost by three legs to one.” Wordplay



If Nick Griffin was a proper “Right Winger” he would be playing for England instead of Sean Wright Phillips Wordplay



“My missus sent me to the newsagents for an ‘OK’ Magazine… I came back with a sticky Playboy. I asked, “Is this OK?” Wordplay



“David Cameron said today that sudden infant death syndrome, or cot death, is an issue that needs addressing. May I suggest Thousand Island or possibly just a simple, delicate vinaigrette? Matter of taste really.” Wordplay



“I was out driving with my dog yesterday, when I thought to myself; “Nah, you really don’t get the same range you do with an actual golf club.” Wordplay



“My grandad came back from the war with one leg. He never found out whose it was though.” Wordplay



“Poor old Ricky Ponting. He could probably eat as many vindaloos as he wanted and still not get the runs.” Wordplay



“I wish I hadn’t bought that corrugated iron. If anything, it’s made my clothes MORE creased.” Wordplay



“x. It’s a sign of the Times.” Wordplay



“Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife, we realized that there was only enough oxygen left for one of us to get back down. So, I did the descent thing…” Wordplay



“My budgie escaped from its cage not so long ago and mated with my dog. Now I have several puppies going cheep if anyone’s interested.” Wordplay



"A new book out today. The Korean canine training manual- 50 ways to wok your dog" Wordplay



I absolutely refuse to believe that I am in denial….. Wordplay



I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew. It was pretty weak so my mate offered a tenner if I could drink the lot in one session… I was going to accept, but in the end, I bottled it. Wordplay



“I am married to two women. After years of deceit I owned up to both of them. I thought that was big of me.” Wordplay



“A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he says to his wife. “No, that feels like snow to me, dear,” she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man says. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” “It’s raining, of course,” Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, “I know that felt like snow.” To which the man quietly says, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.” Wordplay



“Went to a funfair the other day and saw that the sign advertising it was missing the first F. That’s just unfair.” Wordplay



“Lady Gaga’s lyrics are so obscure. I think she has hidden a gender.” Wordplay



“I’ve just seen a suicide bomber He was quite good but I wasn’t blown away” Wordplay



“Took my six-year-old niece fishing today. Didn’t even get a tug.” Wordplay



“Phew! I’ve only just managed to glue all the leaves back on the tree in my garden that blew off overnight before it got dark. What a re-leaf.” Wordplay



“I went to see a bloke about buying a car today. The price was too high, but I managed to knock him down. Then I just drove off in it.” Wordplay



“Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked, “Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.” I said, “No, It’s not for me mate, my name’s Smith.” Wordplay



“Before I go lurking in the playgrounds I eat three packets of Haribo. Then I wait with baited breath.” Wordplay



“Know what’s odd? About every other number.” Wordplay



Hole punch: The Katie Price method of masturbating. Wordplay



BBC News: “895 poles entering the UK every day” What kind of climbing frame are we building?” Wordplay



“I have a Chinese friend called Ding. Every Time the microwave goes off, he thinks someone’s calling him.” Wordplay



“My wife said she wants a rubber plant to freshen up the living room a bit. I think it’s a Stupid idea. If anything, it’ll have opposite effect. The noise would be deafening, and just imagine the CO2 emissions.” Wordplay



“Whist having a conversation with my girlfriend, she brought up ‘Sperm’. It was funny just watching it run down her chin.” Wordplay



“I like my women the way I like my math. At primary School level.” Wordplay



“I just seen a 12-year-old girl riding a mental patient to School. It was virgin on the insane.” Wordplay



I didn’t know how to spell ‘plagiarized’ so I copied and pasted it. Wordplay



Erectile dysfunction; just when you thought it couldn’t get any harder. Wordplay



“The doctor asked me if I ever got lonely, I said “No, don’t be silly” After that I got bored playing hospital, and put my dolls away…” Wordplay



Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I came I saw I stuck around Wordplay



“A policeman came to my door and said, “Oh dear offender, it’s Time to surrender. You should be ashamed, a pedophile you’ve been named.” I said, “What are you talking about?” He said, “This is poetic justice.” Wordplay



“Jews pray standing up. Muslims pray kneeling down. While Catholic Priests prey on young boys.” Wordplay



“I was thinking about robbing this French city. But then I remembered they have nothing, Toulouse.” Wordplay



“My mate is the king of put-downs. He’s a vet.” Wordplay



“When my sister said she was dating Ahmed I feared the worst. As luck, would have it I misheard her and she is actually dating a deformed guy with an arm sticking out of his head.” Wordplay



One of my squaddies in the army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: Don’t blow my cover. Wordplay



“I was living with a girl for about eight months, until she found out I was there.” Wordplay



“I have been munching on little bits of metal for the last few weeks. Not one of my five but it’s a staple diet.” Wordplay



“A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published. The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.” Wordplay



I’ve got a hot date tonight, she’s a burns victim. Wordplay



“Out Christmas Shopping today, I noticed the Josef Fritzl autobiography in WH Smith’s.

Apparently, it’s not a big seller.” Wordplay



“On a scale of America to Ethiopia, how hungry are you? Trick question. They’re both as hungry as each other.” Wordplay



“Some people are known to eat the placenta after the birth of their baby. However, its essential to put it the fridge for a while before eating. It tastes much better chilled than at womb temperature.” Wordplay



“I followed this white bird with really long legs home the other night. Police are doing me for storking.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend wants to kill herself but she’s too lazy to do it. Sue is idle.” Wordplay



“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” Wordplay



“Took my dog to have him put down. The vet took one look at him and said, “You’re mongrel” Seriously, 85 quid. I could have insulted him better myself.” Wordplay



I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don’t know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven’t had much business though. Maybe it’s the sign on the front of the building… Wordplay



“I went to a spiritualist medium the other night to try and contact my recently deceased Father. As we were standing there, she shuddered and said “There is a very strange sensation coming over my face” Yup, that’s my Dad…” Wordplay



“My girlfriend was fitted with the coil as a contraceptive measure. It doesn’t seem to have Worked though. She’s expecting a baby in the spring.” Wordplay



“I put my nan in a home this weekend, and she looked really confused by the whole occasion.

Mind you, so did the bloke whose house it was.” Wordplay



“Q.S.V.X.X. The National Society of Bad Abbreviators.” Wordplay



“I went to the doctors and said, “I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!”

He said, “Try not to get two down sir.” Wordplay



“Adzrules wrote Try saying: “Whale Oil Beef Hooked” without sounding like an Irish man swearing. Well we’ve “Norfolk and chance.” Have we….” Wordplay



“16-Year-Old Girl Shot In Takeaway Dies” Apparently she would have lived if they could have found a doner” Wordplay



“I just bought a straight piece of plastic. It rules.” Wordplay



“Dear Editor I find your headline “E. Coli is a danger to children” very misleading, please do something about this. Your’s faithfully Edward Coli” Wordplay



“I saw a man walking along the street with a t-shirt that said ‘Free Hugs’. I don’t know who ‘Hugs’ is, but I’m all behind your release.” Wordplay



“I bought a herb plant today, I think it’s mint.” Wordplay



“I’m running the London marathon on Sunday. It’s an absolute logistical nightmare, coordinating between all the local councils, getting traffic diverted and making sure that there are adequate medical provisions along the way.” Wordplay



“I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today. It was an act of pointless violence.” Wordplay



First person shooters tend to get boring after you’ve shot the first person. Wordplay



“My wife came into the room screaming. “Oh my god our little Kylies got meningitis.”

I said “that’s a little rash, isn’t it?” Wordplay



“My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones. I’ll never see her in the same light again.” Wordplay



“I finally got my tax return today. I found an asylum seeker’s wallet.” Wordplay



“I’ve set myself up in a new business venture, as the world’s first postal pimp. Send me your valuables, along with your name and address, and I’ll despatch one of my girls to turn up at your house and ride you silly. Please mark your envelopes ‘Gash for Gold’.” Wordplay



If I agree with you, we would both be wrong. Wordplay



“I tried parallel parking today. Ended up in another dimension.” Wordplay



“I had a bowl of maize. It took me an hour to get my spoon back out.” Wordplay



“The worst part about my job in a charity shop is sorting the old woman’s knickers into clean and unclean. My Works not to be sniffed at.” Wordplay



“I won the Young Scientist of The Year in 1986. Nice little lad, I keep him in the loft.” Wordplay



Fat birds must feel peckish all the Time. Wordplay



Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies; they prefer something that’s a little meteor. Wordplay



“Just finished a 1200-piece jigsaw. I hate having no food in my house.” Wordplay



“After Working out with my coach, we went to a club and the bouncer said “Sorry mate, no trainers.” So, I told him to go home and walked in.” Wordplay



Took this girl out, who lives across the road from me last night. I didn’t mean to I was aiming for the cat. Wordplay



“I had a mixed, Caesar Salad today, just before I met my last victim. I saw, I conquered, I came.” Wordplay



Snooker – It’s like tossing off a man behind you Wordplay



“I knocked on the door of the Dragons Den TV studio earlier. They were out.” Wordplay



“How do you make a hormone? I’ll give you a hint. It’s in your genes.” Wordplay



“I’ve just joined the Coast Guard Should be an easy job, no-one’s going to nick the coast” Wordplay



What sections of swimming pools do I prefer? Hmm… Depends. Wordplay



Been trying to Work out why my pen isn’t Working all day and it’s just clicked… Wordplay



My dad was killed Working in a betting shop when it collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips. The fire brigade tried to help but the odds were stacked against him Wordplay



“I was taking a short cut across a field the other day, I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said, “Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?” I replied, “No, it wasn’t me, that’s not my stile” Wordplay



Got my new Dorito swimming trunks today. Might go for a dip later. Wordplay



“Local headline: March brings city to standstill Your move, April.” Wordplay



“People from Hull speak with a distinctive accent which can make certain expressions ambiguous. For instance, ‘half hearted’ can mean ‘lacking enthusiasm’ or ‘I have just broken wind’.” Wordplay



“what do you call a terrorist brain surgeon? Mind Blowing” Wordplay



“I was in this club last night when a beautiful blonde girl asked me for my number. So, I gave her the ticket and she got me my coat.” Wordplay



I was stopped by a policeman and asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, “Yes officer, it’s definitely me.” Wordplay



“I was having an argument with the girlfriend last night. In a rage, I shouted “If you don’t shut up I’m gonna give you a lazy eye!” “Don’t you mean a black eye?” she replied.

“Precisely!” Wordplay



My doctor has prescribed a natural therapy for my clogged pores, involving rubbing uncooked corn all over myself. He refers to it as “Hard pore cornography”. Wordplay



“As I sat watching my teenage son sit in the living room spending hours varnishing his nails last night, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Maybe he’s not cut out to be a carpenter.” Wordplay



“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?” “Sedimentary, my dear Watson.” Wordplay



There were 3 possible burial sites for Osama Bin Laden. CIA only refer to these sites as A, B and C. Apparently, he was buried at C. Wordplay



What’s another word for thesaurus? Wordplay



That settles it, I’m never going back to Yorkshire again. I went into the local supermarket and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary! Wordplay



“I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton James Bond films for her birthday, but she wasn’t happy. I think she was expecting Moore.” Wordplay



“Just got back from the latest Apple convention, with Steve Jobs giving the key note speech featuring a new product for speedy web access. It hangs from just above each eye, giving the user full control over website search. Apple are calling it, the iBrowse” Wordplay



“I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing. I’m a bit rusty now though.” Wordplay



“What’s the difference between exaggeration and contradiction? Tons of stuff, but not a great deal.” Wordplay



“I’ve got a new job at Tesco designing coupons for all their magazines and cereal boxes. I’m really going to have my Work cut out.” Wordplay



If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E, does he become an earlobe? Wordplay



The name for the head of the Indian Mafia is ‘Poppa Don’ Wordplay



“Went golfing with my gran yesterday, when she said, “Surely I should get a handicap playing you dear?” Well I thought a dodgy hip was enough, but I broke her arm nonetheless. English is a fickle language.” Wordplay



“What do I think of Message Boards? I’m Forum!” Wordplay



“I hate left-handed scissors. Something about them just isn’t right.” Wordplay



“My Manager called me into his office and asked if I was going to the dance. I asked ‘ what dance? ‘ He said ‘ The Redun-dance ‘ My boss is not very sympathetic when it comes to laying off staff.” Wordplay



“My mate couldn’t wait to get his widescreen TV. I said, “Are you going to mount it?”

He said, “I’m not that excited.” Wordplay



“I broke into someone’s house the other day by picking their lock. The owner saw me and shouted “Who are you? and how did you get in here?” I replied… “I am a locksmith… and I am a locksmith.” Wordplay



A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired. Wordplay



“My favorite hipster band is Dog Whistle. You won’t have heard them.” Wordplay



“I see Terry Jones has become a dad at the age of 67. Good to see the old Python is still active.” Wordplay



Me and the wife did one of them hot air balloon trips where you fly over your own house… when she leaned over the edge for a better look I pushed her out. I could tell she wasn’t happy. In fact, she hit the roof Wordplay



“Alex Reid is in Katie Price’s bad books. He’s done nothing wrong, she’s just written two more autobiographies.” Wordplay



“Just starting my Shopping in Tesco and asked the fat girl on the till if she could help me out. “Which way did you come in,” she said.” Wordplay



“Took my new Skoda back to the garage, and told the mechanic that I couldn’t get past 71 up the steep hill opposite. “Not bad for a Skoda,” he replied. “But I live at 95.” I told him.” Wordplay



“I was starving last night, so I made some Indian salsa. After his dance, I made him get me a curry.” Wordplay



“Tink my postmn is a thif My leters keep gong misin” Wordplay



“My daughter’s just hit the age where she asks questions about everything. What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy? It’s hard feeding your kids vegetables.” Wordplay



“I’ll never understand women. My wife has been nagging at me for months to do something constructive. Now I’ve finally taken her advice she complains that I’m building a wall between us.” Wordplay



“I was talking to a really attractive girl at a corporate event earlier today and I completely messed up my chat-up line. “So you’re in corporate hospitality?” I said flirtatiously. “I’d quite like to hospitalize you myself.” Wordplay



“After my friend was run over by a steamroller I was asked to identify the body.

Police said ‘‘How do you know him?’‘ I said ‘‘He’s my flat mate.’‘” Wordplay



“My jokes are mostly enjoyed by pedophiles. Not because they’re funny, because they don’t go past 14.” Wordplay



“Hairy nipples? Should’ve gone to Pec Shavers” Wordplay



“Went to the pub quiz last night at my local, got thrown out for shouting out the answer to number 17. ….” Which castle was damaged by smoke in the 1990’s?” Apparently “Roy” wasn’t an appropriate answer.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend said to me, “I’m glad we don’t live in that city in Australia, Queensland”.

“Queensland’s a state”, I said. “I know”, she said. “There’s debris, floating bodies and washed up cars everywhere”.” Wordplay



“My mate’s just flown over to Africa to judge the wild animals over there…..

He’s so Hippo-critical.” Wordplay



A young boy goes to bed with a stiff problem. He wakes up the next morning with a solution on his hands. Wordplay



Being frank for a minute, I don’t think you should ever take drugs. Wordplay



“My wife says I’m a real cracker in the bedroom. A quick tug, a little bang and joke that no one laughs at.” Wordplay



“My Neighbors son is a really bad tempered bicycle thief. He’s always going off on one.” Wordplay



“A chemistry professor walks into a bar and orders concentrated sodium hydroxide. The barman replies, “Why the strong base?” Wordplay



“I’ve just invented a way to turn the smell of a homeless person into an effective and cheap green fuel. I call it Trampoline.” Wordplay



“What do you call an Indian in a cupboard? A hiding Sikh.” Wordplay



What ever happened to the first Timbuk? Wordplay



“I went through some patches in my life that I’m not proud of. Especially when I was a pirate.” Wordplay



“I am trying to win the heart of a young lady. I have bought 2 tickets in the Alder Hey Hospital raffle.” Wordplay



“I was down the pub last night when my mate turned around and called me, “Odd.”

It’s made me determined to get even.” Wordplay



“I asked a French bloke if he played video games. He said Wii.” Wordplay



Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China. Wordplay



“My Dad used to be pretty good at drawing. He shot my Mum dead before she’d even noticed him reach for his pistol.” Wordplay



“If you like despair, you’re one of two people: A sixteen-year-old emo girl. Or a Jamaican who likes this pear.” Wordplay



“I went to the museum to feed the animals but they were all stuffed” Wordplay



I wonder what turns Stephen Hawking on… Wordplay



“I once had my ankles broken by a traveling magician. He was a hard act to follow.” Wordplay



I was in a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter “What are the specials?” He said “ An influential 2 Tone ska band from Coventry” Wordplay



Apparently going to a fancy-dress party dressed as a cactus is not a legitimate reason for spiking people’s drinks. Wordplay



A French man walks in to a chiropodist and says “I’ve got problems with defeat” Wordplay



Other people don’t like me queue jumping. Especially when I use my motorbike. Wordplay



“I went to a disabled athletics meeting last night and it was surprisingly good, especially the prosthetic foot 100 meter dash. It was a really close run race that had to be decided with a faux toe finish.” Wordplay



“I’ve just bought a new fridge that chills to absolute zero. How cool is that?” Wordplay



“Somebody told me that the most dangerous thing about my car is the nut behind the steering wheel. What a load of rubbish. I located and removed this nut, causing the steering wheel to come off as I pulled out of my drive.” Wordplay



“Latin name-Pollachius pollachius. They can grow over a metre in length and weigh over 20k.g From the ‘demersal’ group of fish, they are an important part of the North Atlantic fisheries. Sorry about that, I keep talking Pollocks.” Wordplay



“My mums got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves. Her doctor thinks it’s just the menopause setting in, but I just think she’s going through a rocky patch.” Wordplay



To be fair, it needs to stop raining. Wordplay



“I got arrested the other day. I was walking down the street with a desk on my back and carrying a filing cabinet when a policeman asked what I was doing. All I said was, “I’m impersonating an office, sir.” It didn’t seem to go down well.” Wordplay



I got into an argument with a bloke in a bar. I pulled a knife. He chatted up the fork. Wordplay



“Top Gear are to replace The Stig with an ex-Police driver. Everyone already knows him as The Pig” Wordplay



“I think it’s shocking how black people act these days. Especially Eddie Murphy.” Wordplay



“Here’s a good one for you, Good one.” Wordplay



“I can’t decide what type of joke to write in this box, it’s a bit of a grey area…” Wordplay



It was so hot at the kid’s playground I came in my shorts. Wordplay



“I only own one running shoe. It’s my personal trainer.” Wordplay



“I had a house party last night. My house was the only one that turned up.” Wordplay



“I’m looking forward to James Cameron’s new film. It’s about a mysterious planet where everybody has turned blue from drinking too much WKD. It’s called Chavatar” Wordplay



There’s a certain stigma attached to reproduction organs, especially in flowers. Wordplay



“‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’ Especially at mime shows.” Wordplay



Those disposable cameras are a complete con. Now I have absolutely no record of a perfectly lovely holiday. Wordplay



“I’ve put on a bit of muscle recently. A friend of mine asked me how I’d achieved it.

“Milk protein” I replied. “No way” he responded. “Whey” Wordplay



“Jeff Stelling is to leave as host of Countdown after 3 years. This has presented the producers with a bit of a drumconun.” Wordplay



Probably the only Time a Scouser is happy to see Bale denied! Wordplay



Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters! Wordplay



“I was sent on an anger management course. Apparently, it’s all the rage.” Wordplay



“My new bulimia charity campaign has been quite successful. I’ve received a lot of feedback.” Wordplay



“Marie: ‘What does your husband do for a living?’ Joanne: ‘He’s a joiner’

Marie: ‘Oh yes? What does he do?’ Joanne: ‘Whenever he sees someone going in the pub he joins them’” Wordplay



Nothing quite says “I’m a loser” like spelling loser with a double “o”. Wordplay



“What’s the temperature in Motown? Three degrees, four tops…” Wordplay



“I can’t seem to lose at strip poker lately… I must be on a winning streak.” Wordplay



“After Stephen Hawking’s wheel chair crashed into a bus stop, police have found it was a computer problem. A disabled driver” Wordplay



“I got 25 years in jail for rifling through my own girlfriend’s underwear. My lawyer tells me it would have been less if the bayonet had not been attached.” Wordplay



“My new greyhound has come last in his first six races. He’s got an exciting Korea ahead of him.” Wordplay



“I was trying to figure out what makes Africans so hard to understand… … and then it clicked.” Wordplay



Time flies when you want to know which one’s the quickest. Wordplay



I can’t believe Pretzels are knot bread. Wordplay



“Two pirates were chatting to each other. The first pirate says, “I like your earrings – how much were they?” The second pirate says, “A couple of bucks.” The first pirate says, “Oh, they’re not bad for a buccaneer. “Wordplay



“I used to Work at a car garage that had a jet wash. It was pointless, there was nowhere for them to land.” Wordplay



“I bet my mate 20 he wouldn’t sleep with his mum’s sister. He said “make it 100.” He upped the ante.” Wordplay



As a Beekeeper, I’m a nightmare to play scrabble with. Wordplay



“My amnesiac friend keeps knocking on her own front door and then going in around the back to answer her own knocks. I don’t think she realizes what she’s letting herself in for.” Wordplay



“The sky was dark, the moon was high; All alone, just her and I. Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft; her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn’t know how, but I tried my best; I started by placing my hands on her breast. I remember my fear, my fast beating heart; But slowly she spread her legs apart. And when I did it I felt so shame; All at once the white stuff came. At last it’s all finished; it’s all over now, My first Time ever at milking a cow.” Wordplay



“Walk in fridges. Pretty cool.” Wordplay



“I got a right bolocking yesterday. My grandma came around and she has such a hairy upper lip. When she was leaving, she asked me why I wouldn’t kiss her good bye. Apprently my answer, “Sorry, must-dash,” wasn’t the best choice of words.” Wordplay



Roundabouts – Never straight forward, are they? Wordplay



“I made a joke at my cousin’s funeral today about how he died falling into a hole in the earth. Went down well.” Wordplay



“My disabled friend just told me that some of the things I’ve been saying about his condition show a lack of sensitivity. “Like your legs?” I replied.” Wordplay



“He grabbed me around my slender neck I could not call or scream. He dragged me to my dingy room where we could not be seen. He tore away my flimsy wrap and gazed upon my form. I was so cold and damp and scared while he was dry and warm. He pressed his feverish lips to mine I could not make him stop. He drained me of my inner self I gave him every drop. Then he cast me from his side so now you see me here. An empty bottle thrown away that once was full of beer.“Wordplay



“I was molested by my uncle when I was a kid, It’s quite a touching story” Wordplay



Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Wordplay



It was only when I woke up inside a coffin under 6ft of soil that I realized I was in grave danger. Wordplay



“What do you need to get into a Welsh University. BAA” Wordplay



“I was asked to man the phones at Work the other day. So, I went round and drew a little moustache on all of them.” Wordplay



“What do you call an emo with cancer? A chemo.” Wordplay



“The other day in a night club while looking across the room I caught a glimpse up a girl’s skirt and saw she had “Eat Me” branded across the front of her thong. I chuckled to myself for a moment and then thought, why would anyone want to eat underwear?” Wordplay



HIV, Chlamydia, Salmonella and a used Band-Aid go into a bar… Just another day at the Cadbury factory.” Wordplay



“I had a dream last night that our local Market had shrunk. I woke up and thought, “That’s a little Bazaar.” Wordplay



“I took a woman for a date. Easy mistake; she was small, black and wrinkly.” Wordplay



I was so nervous when I met my future father-in-law that I blurted out, “Sir, May I have your daughters hole in handy matrimony?” Wordplay



“I caught my son downloading inappropriate material on the net last night, so I had ‘The talk’…. Discussing monthly broadband fees and internet quota is never easy with a 7yr old.” Wordplay



“My mate takes part in a weather predicting contest every month. He’s the raining champion.” Wordplay



Confucius says: Woman who spend too much Time on bed spring , should get off spring Wordplay



PUNISHMENT that’s capital punishment.” Wordplay



Stop playing that silly game and do something more constructive she said. But 30 years later as I stand here trying to retrieve a scone from the depths of my toaster without touching the hot sides, I’m glad for every game of operation I played. Wordplay



“Saw this ad in the paper 6 years old, imported from Portugal, recovered as lost/stolen, still in good condition considering amount of abuse sustained over the years we had her. Full history of servicing. 500 ono. Didn’t notice it was a car ad when I phoned up. I thought Maddie for 500? Bargain!” Wordplay



“I have a plan to get rich by relaying all the sewers in London. At the moment, it’s just a pipe dream.” Wordplay



“I’ve been babysitting for a while now. They really do make the most comfortable chairs.” Wordplay



“I don’t know why everyone is talking about Reading Festival 2011… I went last year expecting to get at least one Harry Potter book in, and didn’t even manage a chapter due to the noise..” Wordplay



“Emile Heskey has cited his School careers officer as the blame for his awful howlers. He was told. Set yourself a goal, but when it appears you are nearing that goal, aim higher.” Wordplay



“Those stair lifts that old people use…. They drive me up the wall.” Wordplay



“The star attraction at my local aquarium has just been repossessed. It turned out to be a loan shark.” Wordplay



I’ve been to the dentist several Times, so I know the drill. Wordplay



My wife is complaining about the pain after having her appendix removed. Don’t know what the problem is, she should be used to it…I take a large organ out of her every night. Wordplay



“What’s the best way to loosen your joints? Take a bit of tobacco out.” Wordplay



I’ve started dating couches, but I’ve had no luck sofa. Wordplay



“I’ve just been offered a free sky diving experience. I’m not falling for it.” Wordplay



“I’m treating my body like a temple from now on. You have to take your shoes off before you enter me.” Wordplay



“My wife is cool, and she doesn’t mind me seeing other women. She’s dead.” Wordplay



Why is it that it’s okay to call a white person “mate” yet it’s not okay to call a black guy “primate”? Wordplay



“This man told me that he had finally finished a 10-year sentence. To which I replied “Learn some punctuation, man” Wordplay



A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed in a is thought to have been a terrorist attack. It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity. But early reports indicate G had. Wordplay



“My teenage daughter came home after hanging around the park, drinking Diamond White with her friends. “Dad, I feel sick and the room’s spinning,” she slurred. “Well,” I replied, “those are just some of the codirects.” Wordplay



“Dropped my copy of which? Magazine in the bath and it floated. Does this mean I have to burn it?” Wordplay



“I got water trapped in my ears after having a shower this morning. It was a near deaf experience.” Wordplay



It’s weird that the words ‘finger puppets’ sound okay as a noun… Wordplay



“I got talking to an American earlier, about women. He said, “Say, dontcha just h ate it when you land a date with a hot chick, and you get all excited looking forward to it, and then she blows you off at the last minute?” I said, “I find that’s usually the best part of the evening.” Wordplay



My mate said he needed his Honda washing in the next couple of hours but being the selfish git I am, I said I’d do it on my own Accord. Wordplay



"National Geographic +1... Where lightning does strike twice" Wordplay



I would love to dance at a metric party, but I have two left 0.305 metres Wordplay



“My mate Dave was born in Australia. His father was an African and his mother American. Apparently, he’s huge down under.” Wordplay



“When I asked my wife why she had trouble sleeping, she said I wouldn’t understand about hormones. I understand perfectly. I can’t get to sleep when that hormones.” Wordplay



BBC News: Foster cares ‘urgently’ needed Well, I’m up for looking after a few tins if you want.” Wordplay



“I just came back from a Blur concert. I didn’t see much.” Wordplay



“Tom and Jerry never fully prepared me for the death of my cat. Or for how heavy a mallet is.” Wordplay



I just cancelled my trip to Amsterdam because it’s easier for tourists to get stoned in Belfast. Wordplay



The English language is the best in the world. It just has a certain… je ne sais quoi. Wordplay



As he cried into the sandcastles, I realized Grandpa hadn’t been asking for a vacation when he said “I’ve not been to the beach since 1944.” Wordplay



“What cheese do you use to disguise a horse? Mascarpone” Wordplay



I left the pub a bit late, thereby missing the last bus. Well, cry me Arriva. Wordplay



I’ve found that the life of a serial rapist is just one struggle after another. Wordplay



I trust my girlfriend as far as I could throw her, which turned out to be quite far, as I live on the 10th floor. Wordplay



“I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl… She never looked forward to anything.” Wordplay



“Good King Wenceslas called his local pizza parlor. “Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.” Wordplay



“So, Michael Jackson would’ve been blowing candles today. What kind of idiot names their child Candles?” Wordplay



“I think my girlfriend is finally going to buy a cookery book. I think she might be going to get the one called ‘Cooking with Two Fat Ladies’. I mean why else would she Google for ‘Big Fat Cooks’?” Wordplay



“I rubbed tomato ketchup all over my face today. In Heinz sight, it wasn’t such a good idea.” Wordplay



“I was out fishing yesterday when my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me. I was left reeling.” Wordplay



“I was given the key to the city yesterday. Or crowbar as my scouse mate calls it.” Wordplay



“I used to have a job in the police force, in which I’d break into secure computer files to uncover criminal activity. That was until I was met by one system that proved I wasn’t up to the job. I just couldn’t hack it.” Wordplay



“Those Scotch Eggs are a right rip off. I ate 16 last night and didn’t feel even slightly drunk.” Wordplay



Big noses run in my family. Wordplay



“My mate and I were sniffing cocaine off of a newspaper last night, and rather ironically the page we were snorting from was an editorial about the dangers casual drug use. I thought it was more than sheer coincidence, but I suppose you could say I was reading between the lines” Wordplay



When it comes to politics I tend to lean towards the left. But when it comes to alcohol, I tend to lean on things that aren’t even there. Wordplay



“I always get back on my bike when I fall off. I’m a firm believer in recycling.” Wordplay



“Just been to Greenwich in London. Had a mean Time.” Wordplay



Obama compared the BP oil spill to 9/11. So, in Obama terms can I compare my burnt toast to Hiroshima? Wordplay



“My boss said, “Jimmy, that stack of 12 baskets needs to be split into 2 stacks of 6 – break it down for me.” So, I started doing the ‘Running man’ and then spun around on my head.” Wordplay



“I got a 24-hour clock from a car boot for only 10p. They’ll be so mad; it’s lasted far longer” Wordplay



“A Lion walks into a restaurant and sits down. The Waiter comes over and says, “Would you like to order a starter, Sir?” The Lion says, “Yes, I’ll have the salmon” “Very good Sir,” says the Waiter, “and what would you like for your main?” The Lion says, “Oh, just a comb, please.” Wordplay



A simile is like a metaphor. Wordplay



“Everyone at my Work has gone on strike apart from me. When I walked in this morning, I heard one of my co-Workers shouting, “Scab, scab!” I told him what my dad always told me: “Don’t picket, you’ll make it worse!” Wordplay



“I’m looking forward to my dirty weekend. Wash the car, clean the garden, take rubbish out……” Wordplay



“I wanted to catch a squirrel but didn’t know how, so I decided to just climb a tree and act like a nut.” Wordplay



“I had a few mates round last night to watch the match. I’ve never been so frustrated in all my life! Ninety minutes we sat there and literally nothing happened. Still, I haven’t lost hope. Next week we’ll step things up a gear and try watching a lighter.” Wordplay



“Attention: If anybody on here knows Max Strength, can you tell him I have his Lemsip.” Wordplay



Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity Wordplay



“Warburtons sliced bread rolls. No, it doesn’t. It just sort of falls over on its side.” Wordplay



“The wife shouted at me yesterday because all I had done was moped around the house all day.

The smell of petrol had stank out the dining room and I had smashed her favourite vase.” Wordplay



“I’ve just been told about a weighted ‘coin-toss’ scam going around. Just giving you all a heads-up.” Wordplay



“Does anyone want to join my javelin club? I’m just throwing it out there.” Wordplay



My girlfriend had a real go at me on a boat, so much so in fact that she went overboard. Wordplay



“Me and the missus were going on our holidays and, while on the plane, we fell out and spent the rest of the day rowing. In hindsight, I guess it was lucky we landed next to a boat.” Wordplay



“I’ve realized, after reading the crossword clue ‘Physically aggressive behavior (8)’

that violence is the answer.” Wordplay



“As a typical Mac user. I don’t get wet when it rains.” Wordplay



“A little Asian lad just came running into Work. I asked, “And who are you?” He replied, “Ameer.” I said, “I can see that but what’s your name?” Wordplay



“How did the hipster burn his mouth? He started eating the pizza long before it was cool.” Wordplay



“I’ve got nothing on today. I think I’ll go to a nudist camp.” Wordplay



“I hide mine in the fridge.” Hardly the most secretive place to put a muller rice, is it?” Wordplay



“I watched a pirate DVD the other day. It was a bunch of Somalians demanding ransom Money.” Wordplay



“I’ve developed a perfume that uses salt water from a local sea. People say it’s the English Chanel.” Wordplay



“Over the last few days I’ve received 3 anonymous presents: – A bag of almonds, a packet of brazils and a tin of cashews. I’ve no idea who it is, but they’re sending me nuts.” Wordplay



“According to surveys, pessimists now outnumber optimists in Britain… …but I would imagine most of you were expecting that.” Wordplay



“A mother was found dead and stored in a freezer in London, after more than twenty years. Should have gone to Iceland.” Wordplay



“What are the chances of me allowing my wife to choose which TV channel we watch tonight? Remote.” Wordplay



Went to a housewarming party, they said bring a gift, I brought them a calor gas heater. Wordplay



“I started my new hover board business just this week. Opened the factory and got production going. Just need the product to get off the ground now” Wordplay



“Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.” Wordplay



“Trainers on, five miles, work up a sweat, shower when I get home. Don’t worry if you don’t get that, it’s just a running joke of mine.” Wordplay



“My teacher told me if I didn’t complete my homework, he’d ‘come down on me like a ton of bricks.’ Apparently, ‘Been a while then has it sir?’ was not the correct response.” Wordplay



“My mates had a good laugh at my expense last night. I paid for them to go and see a comedian.” Wordplay



“Whilst using a dictionary in the library I got trounced. To be fair, I was looking for trouble.” Wordplay



“So I said, “Do you want a game of darts?” He said, “Okay then.” I said, “Nearest to bull starts.” He said, “Baa.” I said, “Moo.” He said, “You’re closest!” Wordplay



I’ve just bought a John Cleese DVD box set off eBay. I need to return it though because two of the discs are Fawlty. Wordplay



“My wife had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear.” Wordplay



“It used to get so heavy carrying matches around. I was over the moon when they invented a lighter option.” Wordplay



“Sky News: STD rates in the USA are the highest in the Western World. That’s because they have all bought Norton Anti-Virus and believed they were covered.” Wordplay



“I was shocked when I found out that my new girlfriend is a hooker. She looks like more of a scrum half.” Wordplay



Due to inflation, balloons are going up. Wordplay



“I’d like to introduce ice hockey to the Chinese if I can establish a rink with them.” Wordplay



“I was telling my mate last night that I do a great impersonation of Imran Khan’s ex-wife.

He said, “Jemima? I said “No, I just do her voice.” Wordplay



“Thieves broke into the Bradford police headquarters car park in the early hours of this morning and stole the sat-nav units from all the squad cars. Officers are searching for Leeds.” Wordplay



“When I was younger one of my teeth fell out while my Auntie Anne was babysitting for me.

She noticed I had placed my tooth under my pillow along with a spliff. She said, “I don’t think the tooth fairy will be wanting a spliff.” I replied, “Yes she will, she’s a rasta fairy Anne.” Wordplay



“I don’t believe in any of that star sign rubbish but that’s me, typical pisces.” Wordplay



“Sure everyone knows what a will is, obviously. It’s a dead giveaway.” Wordplay



WHO are the World Health Organization? Wordplay



“Carlsberg don’t do girlfriends. If they did they wouldn’t do yours.” Wordplay



“Is anyone here called Allen? I think I found your keys” Wordplay



I thought that people would think I was a bit sad when they found out that I spend hours correcting the grammar and spelling of other people’s posts on Sickipedia, but so far everyone has looked impressed when I’ve told them I right jokes. Wordplay



“I was playing football in the park with some mates and this disabled kid came over and said “I wish I could join in”. So, we let him play in goal. I say ‘in goal’, we used him and his wheelchair as goalposts.” Wordplay



My missus has nicknamed me “met office”. Every night she goes to bed expecting a few inches, but wakes up disappointed in the morning Wordplay



“My brother and I played a game this Christmas – the winner was the first to name their worst Christmas present besides socks and underwear. It was a tie.” Wordplay



Integers are pointless. Wordplay



“I was talking to a girl from the USA earlier. She told me, “I miss America.” I didn’t believe her though: her grammar was terrible and she wasn’t that attractive.” Wordplay



“Me and the wife have bought a lighthouse. It only weighs 12 kilos.” Wordplay



“I ran into a hospital today and told the receptionist I wanted to see a doctor. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Pedophilia.” I replied. “But that’s not important right now, I need a doctor.” Wordplay



“All my dad left me in his will was half a kilo of cocaine. But I can deal with that.” Wordplay



“Around the festive Time of year, I get itchy skin inflammation all over my body that makes the shape of smiley faces. Happy Eczemas.” Wordplay



“I started my new job as a grave digger this week. I asked my supervisor why immigrants were only buried 3 feet under. “So they can still get a hand out,” he replied.” Wordplay



“What’s LXIX? 69, the hard way.” Wordplay



Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before letting his girlfriend use his computer….Wookie error Wordplay



I’m not a big brother fan myself, although I love a bit of small sister now and then! Wordplay



There’s a Muslim in the street carrying a gun. Police say he’s Ahmed and dangerous. Wordplay



We were preparing for a party the other day and my wife asked me to put together a mixture of different alcohols and fruit juices. However, I wish she’d actually said that, instead of ‘I’d like a good punch’. Wordplay



“I’ve finally come to terms with my hideous deformity. She’s agreed to a divorce.” Wordplay



“Never in my life have I stood for irony… I’m disabled.” Wordplay



“I dropped acid for the first-time last week. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been on my lab partner’s foot, and had I not been so high on mushrooms.” Wordplay



“I went to the best ever burger van today. It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.” Wordplay



No handbrakes. That’s how I roll Wordplay



“The wife tends to have her bath with only a couple of inches or so of water in. Tried it myself last night. It didn’t float my boat.” Wordplay



“I was dismayed to find out how much the giant wedding cake my fiancée wanted would cost. I shed a tier.” Wordplay



I knew she liked Bukkake – I could see it in her eyes. Wordplay



“When my wife died I hired twenty epileptic dancers and a strobe light for the funeral.

It was a fitting tribute.” Wordplay



“I mistook the driving range for the shooting range today. The golfers went mental, but I still managed to get a hole in one.” Wordplay



“I went to a charity ball in aid of women who have suffered from breast cancer. The punch was fabulous but in keeping with the event it was limited to one jug per person.” Wordplay



“I just bought a Muslim cow with a drinking problem. His name is Moo Hammered.” Wordplay



“I’m dating a lady called Sue, however, every woman I’ve ever dated has ended up killing themselves… Sue aside.” Wordplay



“A man was walking down a street when he came upon a beautiful woman. He got 3-5 years.” Wordplay



“I think it was totally unfair what they did to rosa parks on that bus. She did call shotgun.” Wordplay



“I just had a Turkey and Chile sandwich, and to be honest, I haited it, they’re also hard to eat when the plate keeps shifting!” Wordplay



“I’m getting absolutely fed up by all these sick birds being brought over to England to be cured cheaply by our expert vets. It’s high Time the government did something to clamp down on these ill eagle immigrants.” Wordplay



“Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila.” Wordplay



“I can’t take it anymore. The local shop has installed CCTV.” Wordplay



“I was given life in prison today. That sure cheered me up, I love David Attenborough.” Wordplay



“I’ve just opened a charity shop to raise Money for victims of domestic violence. It’s called the Pound shop.” Wordplay



“Un homme entre dans une bibliothque et demande un livre sur le suicide. Le bibliothcaire dit: “Va te faire foutre, vous ne pourrez pas le ramener.” My French is a joke” Wordplay



“I’ve just lost my thesaurus today. I feel very sad.” Wordplay



“‘What do we want?’ ‘COMPROMISE’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘What Time is good for you?’” Wordplay



Just paid a fortune to have my house painted. It would have been cheaper to take a photograph. Wordplay



“My ex-girlfriend text to say that she’d made a voodoo doll of me. I think she’s pulling my leg.” Wordplay



“Tonight I saw a sign that said, ‘Smoking kills’. I thought, ‘Wow, a talking sign.’” Wordplay



“I’ve found a great way to last longer in bed… …don’t set your alarm clock.” Wordplay



“I’ve never been on a date before. But I did once come in a watermelon.” Wordplay



Honestly Leeds, I’ve seen better crosses in a mosque. Wordplay



“On a trip to America I called into a book store. I asked, “How much for this book love?”

She said, “That’s five bucks.” I said, “No, it’s just one.” Wordplay



Beards: They grow on you! Wordplay



“I think it’s an absolute disgrace that some chavs threw bleach over a woman in a cinema recently. She could have dyed.” Wordplay



“Why was Lady Gaga at the MOBO awards if she’s White? Or is it now “Music of Bloke Origin?” Wordplay



“I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand. Why should she be the only one with somewhere to put a bedside lamp.” Wordplay



“My vet keeps putting down my pets. He tells them they’re fat.” Wordplay



“I love my job as a genetic engineer, just this week I spliced together a llama and a giraffe.

For a laugh.” Wordplay



“What’s more boring than watching paint dry? Watching dry paint” Wordplay



My dyslexic mate reckons Gillette’s the best thing since sliced beard. Wordplay



“Our local bus company are running a Sunday service this bank holiday. I wonder what hymns we’ll be singing.” Wordplay



“Hard, durable, tough… Sorry about the strong language.” Wordplay



“Reading was amazing last night! I got up to chapter 52.” Wordplay



“Where do homeless people shoot their load? In The Big Tissue.” Wordplay



“I met a girl the other week who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom. So, I tasered her.” Wordplay



Dear me, I should really stop writing letters to myself… Wordplay



Do I really need to tell you the first rule of rhetorical question club? Wordplay



I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me, gives me a single red rose and says, “Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I called the waiter over and said “Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck”. Wordplay



“This necrophiliac got himself a new girlfriend. However, he was in doubt whether he cadaver or not.” Wordplay



“I have a black friend who cleans out my ears when he comes around He is my cotton bud” Wordplay



“I’ve been driving in my car. And I thought: This is Madness.” Wordplay



“At a theatre audition, a little girl had had nine attempts to conceal her lisp, leaving just one left. It was a tenth situation.” Wordplay



“My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them. From her reaction, I’m guessing Pete and Repeat wasn’t the best choice.” Wordplay



“I just got asked if I wanted to invest in a business selling raisins. I said, “Fine, take it from my current account.” Wordplay



“When a girl cancels a date, she cancels because she has to. When a boy cancels a date, he cancels because he has two.” Wordplay



"I just heard about that School on the Isle of Sheppy where kids were sitting an exam and the roof collapsed, seriously injuring 4 pupils. I was absolutely astonished. They have Schools on the Isle of Sheppy?? EDIT: To Yanks voting this down because they don't get it, just replace “Isle of Sheppy” with AMERICA" Wordplay



“At the moment my fellow actors and I keep falling through the theatre floor. I guess it’s just a stage we all go through.” Wordplay



“I was surprised to find there were only 39 playing cards in the pack I recently purchased from a market in Brixton. Presumably, the spades have stolen the diamonds.” Wordplay



“When I saw Kanye interrupt Taylor Swift at the VMA’s I thought to myself,

“That’s Ludacris!” Wordplay



Unemployment!…….it’s just not Working!! Wordplay



“I’ve just seen an article on how to help your dog after it has had a stroke I didn’t bother reading it, I stroke my dog all the Time and it doesn’t need any help.” Wordplay



“Seen the latest Bollywood Blockbuster? Lethal Injection 2….” Wordplay



“I lied to my friends and told them I’d created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan entirely out of old silk ties. It’s a complete fabric Asian.” Wordplay



“My wife insists that I make the bed every morning. I don’t mind, but I do wonder who keeps dismantling it every night.” Wordplay



“Canada: Driver Kills Two Women After Smoking Marijuana So, killing two birds with one stoner.” Wordplay



Today I got lost in a house of mirrors, it gave me a lot of Time to reflect. Wordplay



“I bought three pink tents. Some may see that as a little camp.” Wordplay



Everyone’s fire resistant to a degree. Wordplay



People who jump queue are out of line. Wordplay



“I have just opened up a Facebook account, which I have called ‘No One’. Now, whenever I send someone a friend request, they read ‘No One wants to be your friend’ on their screen. And people wonder why the human race has such simple pleasures.” Wordplay



The days of the digital watch are numbered. Wordplay



“I’ve got a cement fetish. It gets me hard.” Wordplay



I’m a beast at metaphors. Wordplay



“I walked in on The Rock doing drugs Eventually I was able to convince him to lay the smack down” Wordplay



“I’m a chair at the local School along with a few other parents These cuts have gone too far.” Wordplay



“Anti-psychotic drugs accidentally put into packets of Nurofen Plus! Explains why I still have a headache, but haven’t killed anyone today!” Wordplay



“The worst part of a photographic memory? Keeping all the negatives.” Wordplay



After a Bukkake I like to thank everyone for coming. Wordplay



“So you don’t actually want me to explain to you the meaning of the word masturbation?

Ok. Please yourself.” Wordplay



“My mate asked me, “Are you free next week to look after my company if I go on holiday?” I said, “Mind your own business”.” Wordplay



“Woke up this morning feeling slightly warmed up, with this weird imprint all over me. I just lay there as I was soaked in syrup and sprinkled with sugar. I’m sorry, listen to me just waffling on.” Wordplay



“I went to Australia but there were no flying monkeys, tin-men, talking lions or a yellow brick road. They may as well have made the whole thing up.” Wordplay



See-saws rock! Wordplay



“Midget stripper just arrived for my birthday, which was actually last week. Too little, too late.” Wordplay



“I bought a pirate DVD the other day. I’ll treasure it forever.” Wordplay



“We had a wood Work society at my School. I was the vice president.” Wordplay



“Me and my friend formed a band and called the group Half Man Half Bull and we had 5 gigs in Leeds. It was a minor tour.” Wordplay



“I wanted to take my obese wife on a road trip with some of my mates, but I was worried she wouldn’t fit in. So, I hired a trailer.” Wordplay



“What do you call a panda deep in thought? A ponda.” Wordplay



“Look right before exiting Station” So after topping up with petrol, I got out, tucked my shirt in and combed my hair.” Wordplay



“Anyone want to buy two tickets for the Spandau Ballet comeback tour? I bought them as a surprise for the wife when she said she loved 80’s cheese. Turned out she’s been sucking off my grandad.” Wordplay



Is it just me or are there other synonyms for myself? Wordplay



“I was in a lift when this guy came in and bet me 10 that I didn’t know how to operate it.

So, I took him up on it.” Wordplay



Statistically, 3.141592 in every onion forms an opinion. Wordplay



“I’ve deserted my wife. I threw a pudding in her face.” Wordplay



“Sky News: Bodies found dumped in skips. I usually get through five packets a day and I haven’t found anything suspicious so far.” Wordplay



“I’ve created a new energy saving lightbulb. It doesn’t use less electricity, it’s just easier to put in.” Wordplay



“‘You are what you eat.’ I hope not, I’ve just ordered an Indian.” Wordplay



“Sky News: Hole found in Manchester United changing rooms at Wembley Stadium Seems like their glory days are over” Wordplay



“I’m always breaking into song… I can never find the right key” Wordplay



1234: The year the Thumb War started. Wordplay



“I and my mate were queuing up to get into a nightclub. As we stood at the back of the line he said “I can’t wait to get in there.” So he went home.” Wordplay



“If you’re having’ face spasms I feel bad for you son. I’ve got 99 problems but a twitch ain’t one.” Wordplay



“My – jokes jokes jokes jokes – Time Yeah, I’ve written some jokes in my Time.” Wordplay



“My mates have started calling me ‘Snow’. I’m white, lots of people hate me, and Schools often close when I’m around.” Wordplay



“I’ve just started selling bags of washing powder around my estate to idiots who believe that it’s cocaine. It’s a bold move.” Wordplay



“The wife, annoyed, asked our son, “How often do you lose pieces for your Scalextric?” “Don’t know,” he replied, “I’ve lost track.” Wordplay



“Two elephants were having a chat. One said to the other “You know my dad was in showbiz?” “Oh yeah?” the other replied. “Yep, he was a piano”.” Wordplay



When you have friends come for dinner, it’s a very different evening if you add an apostrophe… Wordplay



BBC are releasing a new program on BBC3: Siamese Ducks. They’re starting with a double bill.” Wordplay



“News: ‘Man Utd Player Pulled from Burning Car’. He must have the gift of the gab with the ladies.” Wordplay



“I had to deliver some packages to an apartment block in Chinatown today. It was Wong on so many levels.” Wordplay



“I’m never buying milk from an Asian shop again. Yesterday it went off. On the Tube.” Wordplay



“My dentist asked me if I knew the medical benefits of straightness and whiteness. Apparently, it is not “an immunity to AIDS.” Wordplay



“I asked the librarian for a book about permeable rocks. “Have a look in Waterstones,” she said.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend hates it when I spell and punctuate incorrectly. So, I punched her and put her in a comma.” Wordplay



“I was reading one of those women’s magazines yesterday. It was OK.” Wordplay



“I had to sack an employee last week for coming to Work dressed as a playing card. If there’s one thing I won’t tolerate in my office, its jokers.” Wordplay



“Just saw this great comedian who spent all night making jokes about this amazing silk suit he was wearing. I just don’t know where he gets his material from.” Wordplay



“My mate was mysteriously kidnapped two months ago, and then the same happened to his daughter just a few days later. She’s always taken after her dad.” Wordplay



I love cooking children and dogs but I hate punctuating my sentences Wordplay



“Just written a joke about nipples. Needs tweaking.” Wordplay



"I asked my mate for a second opinion. He said, “Well I-” -” Whoa” I said, “Times up.” Wordplay



“Boxing. What’s that, a bout?” Wordplay



I was going to change my toaster, but I thought …“Better the Breville you know” Wordplay



“I recently employed a Mexican gardener and a Spanish maid, and I’ve got to say, my house is looking spic and span.” Wordplay



“I was given the sack at Work today. Well that’s what happens when you’re a postman.” Wordplay



“What do you call a Mexican Child Abuser? A Pedophile” Wordplay



“Had to buy some more sand for my punch bag yesterday. Apparently, she wants it for the flower beds.” Wordplay



I once considered setting up a charity sumo wrestling match between real sumo wrestlers and prisoners, but the cons outweighed the pros. Wordplay



“I’ve just watched a fantastic film with a twist at the end… Oliver.” Wordplay



“My wife asked me for a new wardrobe for Christmas, so I got her one. Turns out she just wanted clothes” Wordplay



Wouldn’t it have been funny, if Whoopi Goldberg had married Peter Cushing? Wordplay



“As a practical joke at Work, I was covered in Tip-Ex and my chair had been stolen. I accused my boss but it wasn’t him. I stand corrected.” Wordplay



“So, Shania Twain has the perfect face? That don’t impress me much.” Wordplay



“Flies spread disease. So, keep yours zipped up.” Wordplay



“I don’t know why the word “purposeless” is in the English language. My dictionary says it has no meaning.” Wordplay



“I walked up to this woman and said, “Diane.” She replied, “My name’s Ann.” I said, “I know, I just don’t like you very much.” Wordplay



“My son isn’t going to School today because of the striking we’re going to let his bruises fade a bit first” Wordplay



“5-star hotel room with king size bed. ‘Check’ Champagne on ice for two. ‘Check’ Gorgeous woman to complete the evening… Made me pay in cash.” Wordplay



“According to published reports, immediately following the Tsunami in January of 2005, all of the sharks in the Indian Ocean came down with a terrible case of diarrhea. You try eating Thai for a whole week!” Wordplay



“Got fingered by two kids today for a change. Pity it was in a police lineup.” Wordplay



“Every week I donate my sperm to the bank. I’m not sure whether the cashier appreciates it though.” Wordplay



“Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it. It’s all Working now she said, when she phoned me. Ian did great job. Ian? I said His names Jim. Well that’s funny, she replied, it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van.” Wordplay



“Pocket Pulling Power It’s so annoying when people post lynx on here.” Wordplay



“There’s something I don’t like about using touch screen technology I just can’t put my finger on it.” Wordplay



“I know a girl by the name of Jenna Taylor, who refuses to communicate by email. I can’t understand why. She would get such friendly service from a Hotmail account every Time she logged on: “Good morning. You have mail Jenna Taylor”. Oh, wait…” Wordplay



I hate it when I drink so much that I lose all sense of erection. Wordplay



“I’ve decided I want to donate all my organs… I’ve always preferred pianos to be honest” Wordplay



“Got a job measuring Cadbury’s hot chocolate powder. It’s only temporary. I’m weighing up the Options.” Wordplay



“Amidst a bitter divorce, I and the ex-can’t even decide who gets the Ambrosia. It’s a custardy battle. Wordplay



“The wife says that my constantly demanding to know what she’s spending my Money on is perverted. Eh? I’m not perverted, just buy-curious.” Wordplay



“My mate says he hates dodgem cars and coconut shies. Which is a fair comment.” Wordplay



“There seems to be a worldwide hatred developing for a certain film company. In fact, it’s Universal.” Wordplay



“I asked the waiter for a rare steak. When it arrived I said “I asked for rare, this is well done!” “Thank you” he replied “The chef usually overcooks them”.” Wordplay



“My wife puts the cup in cupboard. Because I tell her to.” Wordplay



Ryan Giggs puts the ‘winger’ in ‘swinger’ Wordplay



“The ironic thing about flat mates, is that they’re also 3D mates.” Wordplay



“Why did the unwashed midget cross the road and then cross back again? He was a low-down, dirty double-crosser.” Wordplay



“I see that the Belly Dancer on Britain’s Got Talent reached the semis. I have to say, watching her gave me more than a semi…” Wordplay



“I was watching a ship going out to sea yesterday in stormy clouds and raging winds. There was music blasting from It and all I could hear were people singing “I’ve been driving In my car It’s not quite a Jaguar.” I thought, “That’s Madness going out to sea in this weather.” Wordplay



Drugs do cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember. Wordplay



“I caught my son messing around with a plug socket earlier…. He’s grounded.” Wordplay



I saw a fat person fall down the steps earlier. I didn’t laugh, but the ground was cracking up. Wordplay



“My mate told me the other day that he wanted to change career. I told him that’s completely unrealistic, it’s a military dictatorship run by a ruthless leader and has been for decades.” Wordplay



“I think my wife’s hallucinating; she keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.” Wordplay



“This bloke in the sauna keeps telling everyone to get out? Talk about selfish steam issues!” Wordplay



“There was a kidnapping in my town today. She slept for 4 hours.” Wordplay



“I was making a cup of tea the other day when my wife said “Go easy on the milk, we’ve hardly got any”. So, I held the bottle several feet above the cup and poured it from there. She said “What are you doing?”. I replied “Just making it go a bit further”.” Wordplay



Do you like my Eczema flakes? I made them from scratch Wordplay



“I couldn’t sprint at School; I was more about patience and endurance. Which benefited me in the long run.” Wordplay



Today, I tied two sausages together to make ends meet. Wordplay



Sign in a pet shop window: “Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary.” Wordplay



“What’s a necrophilia’s favorite band? Coldplay.” Wordplay



BBC News – “Greece not looking for bailout”. Good… …I don’t want my taxes spent on a musical that’s clearly had its day.” Wordplay



“I was going to make a joke and jump on the whole Raoul bandwagon, but I wasn’t motivated” Wordplay



“I love my fingers… …I always know I can count on them.” Wordplay



“Was skidding all over the place today….. Should’ve probably wiped more than once!” Wordplay



“The other day I drove past a group of AC Milan fans. Then I came to the Intersection” Wordplay



“I almost died today when a box full of old photos fell on me from the top shelf. My whole life flashed before my eyes.” Wordplay



“Knickers aren’t the best thing in the world. But they are next to the best thing in the world.” Wordplay



“I’ve lost the plot; I keep ripping out pages from my novel.” Wordplay



“Over 90 Killed in Turkey Earthquake” Well at least he had lived a long life.” Wordplay



“My wife told me she is going to leave me because I’m emotionless. K.” Wordplay



I was tapping some quavers on the piano earlier and I thought, “I wish I’d have bought Monster Munch instead.” Wordplay



“At School I used to play the triangle. Our School plays weren’t very good.” Wordplay



“My Neighbor knocked on my door last night. I thought it would be funny to open the door with an erection. But after a minute or so I thought to myself, “No, I can’t do it”. So, I just opened it with my hand.” Wordplay



My plan to claim unemployment benefit is not Working. Wordplay


#13332Due to rising petrol prices, Volkswagen have released a hydrogen vehicle, the VW Hindenburg. The market is expecting a boom. Wordplay



My Jamaican friend was very unhappy when I told him about the “shootings”. He’d much rather walk barefoot. Wordplay



"All 3/4 pants 25% off! Well otherwise they would just be pants, wouldn't they?" Wordplay



“I don’t know what the employees of Apple are so smug about. Soon they’ll all be looking for new Jobs.” Wordplay



I just can’t understand some people…. Foreigners mainly. Wordplay



“I’m having trouble accessing the Glade website. It keeps telling me to get some sort of plug-in.” Wordplay



“I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but…. NEE NAW NEE NAW.” Wordplay



“After hours of intensive cross examination I reached a conclusion. It was definitely a crucifix.” Wordplay



“Nick Griffin has bought a goose. A real one that he takes to the gym. I think it’s just a proper gander exercise for the BNP.” Wordplay



“This morning, I put my shoes on the wrong feet. I just wish I could remember whose feet they were.” Wordplay



“I see it’s the inventor of the boomerang’s birthday today. Can I be the first to wish him ‘Many Happy Returns’.” Wordplay



“I had a threesome with a mate and an off-duty police woman. Best game of piggy in the middle I’ve ever had.” Wordplay



BBC News: ROBIN HOOD OPENS CANNES. I was under the impression he had a bow and arrow not a tin opener.” Wordplay



“I’ve got a new job Working at a smoothie bar. I’m blending in well.” Wordplay



“I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier. The nurse in the Aberdeen fertility clinic looked horrified.” Wordplay



“I heard that there’s an exception to the rule “I before E except after C.” It’s weird, isn’t it?” Wordplay



“When couples have been together for a long Time, one will often finish the other’s sentence. Rosemary West, for example” Wordplay



“I’ve started tipping in restaurants There’s nowhere else to take my rubbish.” Wordplay



“Never leave an atom alone. You have to keep your ion it.” Wordplay



“I’m in a band called AA. We’re a support group.” Wordplay



“Why was the cold tap turned on? Because the other tap was so hot!” Wordplay



I was looking at my coat of arms today and I thought to myself, “I really need to stop amputating people.” Wordplay



“Went house-hunting the other day. Only managed to kill a bungalow, though.” Wordplay



“Two men in a kayak, both are feeling quite cold so they decide to make a small fire to keep themselves warm. Within minutes the kayak has a huge hole in it and sinks to the bottom of the lake. Which proves that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.” Wordplay



“I was very sick last night after eating a dodgy chocolate bar. But that’s off Topic…” Wordplay



Can’t stand lying down. Wordplay



dijon vu – the same mustard as before Wordplay



“I’m out of Work at the moment so on Monday I sat around and watched Neighbors.

On Tuesday I sat and watched Neighbors again. On Wednesday, the Police came and took away my binoculars and night vision goggles.” Wordplay



“I went on a date with a stock broker last night. I could tell she fancied me straight away.

She kept playing FTSE.” Wordplay



I like the element of surprise! That’s why I shat in your kettle! Wordplay



“I did a tandem sky dive yesterday. I was on the front seat doing the steering and pedaling, while my mate on the back seat opened the parachute.” Wordplay



“I got a call from the hospital today, they said my girlfriend had an accident… I replied “Not really shocked, mate. I’ve been expecting it for 9 months.” Wordplay



There are two things at life that I’ve failed at; producing computer software, and fishing. I just can’t make a network. Wordplay



“My brother was injured while attacking an armored unit in the Gulf War. His PlayStation blew up.” Wordplay



“My affair with the Math teacher has reached a new level since her husband died. It’s so much easier now he’s out of the equation.” Wordplay



“Yesterday I said that my washing powder was the best in the world. It was a Bold statement.” Wordplay



“The doctor told me that I have developed facial leprosy and that I would probably lose my sight. I cried my eyes out.” Wordplay



“I had a race with my friend the other day. I beat him. It made winning the race a lot easier.” Wordplay



“So if you’ve been very naughty this year Santa will leave coal in your stocking? As long as it’s Cheryl I have no regrets about blowing up that convent.” Wordplay



“I spilt tea all over some of the cards from the Monopoly game, just as it was my turn.

I have ruined my Chances.” Wordplay



“I was shocked when my mate gave me an erection on Christmas day. He stole it off some dead bloke at the morgue.” Wordplay



“A bird shat on my head the other day. That’s when I realized my new girlfriend was too kinky for me.” Wordplay



“I saw my mate floating about 8 feet off the ground earlier, he didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered, obviously didn’t understand the gravity of the situation..” Wordplay



“Has anyone else thought of going up to girl in a bar and saying, “Get your rat out love”

Don’t bother.” Wordplay



“Looks like I could meet my maker tomorrow… I might pop around my dad’s.” Wordplay



“My wife is very easy on The Eye. There’s something about looking over London in a big Ferris wheel that really turns her on.” Wordplay



“I went to get my palm read the other day, but as I was sitting down at the table I managed to knock over her crystal ball. Ended up costing me a fortune.” Wordplay



“What do you call a fish with no eyes? Blind.” Wordplay



They say that laughter is the best medicine. If that’s true, does watching Lenny Henry give you cancer? Wordplay



I can’t remember ever getting nits as a kid, although I do have a lousy memory. Wordplay



“My wife’s making jams today. She’s gone out driving.” Wordplay



“I dropped my laptop off the side of a boat the other day. It’s a Dell, rolling in the deep.” Wordplay



“My county council has banned all carnivals in the area until further notice.

It’s so unfair.” Wordplay



“I met my wife at a tea dance for arthritis sufferers. It was during the tango that we really clicked.” Wordplay



“When’s the only Time a woman really wants the company of a bloke? When he owns it.” Wordplay



“My window cleaner never knocks on my door in the evenings demanding Money.

It just sits in the cupboard under the sink.” Wordplay



Mountaineering is ok, up to a point. Wordplay



“My old man is always saying that there’s no Time like the present. I think he knows about the watch I’ve got him for his birthday.” Wordplay



“What’s the collective term for a group of black fathers? Coco Pops.” Wordplay



“My wife said to me, ‘I bet you wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I talked about leaving you.’ So, I smacked her in the face with my baseball bat.” Wordplay



“What’s hairy and blessed? Brian.” Wordplay



BBC News: Miners & children trapped down a mine in china seems as though we have a case of ‘anything you can do we can do better’” Wordplay



“I’m about to release a new type of broom. Hopefully it will sweep the nation.” Wordplay



“There are two secrets to life, let me tell you what they are. 1. Don’t tell anyone everything you know…” Wordplay



I’m really starting to get the hang of suicide. Wordplay



I just bought some second-hand binoculars for 300. The bloke must have seen me coming a mile off! Wordplay



“I’ve got a smart phone. Unlike me, it didn’t get married.” Wordplay



“12 female soldiers have got pregnant in Afghanistan. It’s a scandal our troops don’t have the proper protection.” Wordplay



I literally can’t find the words to tell you how poor my vocabulary is. Wordplay



“Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch:Small town, but it’s made a huge name for itself.” Wordplay



I discovered an oddly shaped balloon today, inflated and on a string, but it was the most odd shaped balloon i’ve ever seen, so I rang the local newspaper, twenty minutes later all the media turned up, sky news , BBC news , to be honest it was just blown out of proportion Wordplay



“I’m in love with a philosophy major and she doesn’t even know I exist. And what’s worse is that she can prove it.” Wordplay



“Tense nervous headache? Nothing acts faster than Anadin. So, take nothing.” Wordplay



“My mate Dean is leaving for America after seeing a job advert for a college headmaster.

He said it had his name all over it.” Wordplay



“This man was about to throw dough, cheese and tomatoes at me. I said, “You wanna pizza me?” Wordplay



“Apparently, Santa’s main elf has quit and set up his own toy business right next to Santa’s after a huge row. He’s a rebel without a Claus.” Wordplay



“I bought a couple of things from a second-hand record shop. I’m now officially the 1979 world’s fattest man and the tallest person in 1984.” Wordplay



“I’ve been made president of the Erection Club. I think it’s because I’m the longest standing member.” Wordplay



“I was walking through the park after midnight, when somebody started following me. I walked a bit faster, but they kept up the pace. The person kept following me until finally, I stopped and turned around to see who it was. To my surprise, it was my secondary School math teacher. I said, “Look, I don’t want any problems”.” Wordplay



“The wife drove me to madness Which was good of her as the gig was a fair drive away” Wordplay



“Heavy metal. Peter Harvey is a fan.” Wordplay



“My girlfriend keeps asking me to put a ring on her finger. Funny that, because I want to put her ring on my finger.” Wordplay



The local vasectomy clinic is having a summer party, their holding a ball. Wordplay



I really like vagueness and also those other things. Wordplay



Secret admirer – Stalker with stationery. Wordplay



“A sign on the wall at Work today read: People with Authority to key cabinet:

Ashley Brian David Paul Sandra Wendy People with NO authority: Ahmed Jon (that’s me) Mohammed Sunita Wilson Winston I could not believe I had been Black listed!” Wordplay



Statistically every 5/3 jokes either has speling or mathematical mistakes in it. Wordplay



I met a chick in Kiev… Wordplay



“My girlfriend and I have been going through an A-Z of Greek Islands to decide where to go on our holidays. In desperation, we eventually chose Zakynthos, It was the last resort.” Wordplay



“Me and my mates have just formed a band and we’ve called ourselves Man Utd Rapists.

It won’t be long before we start doing Giggs.” Wordplay



“Had a threesome with a Chinese girl & her twin. I wasn’t going to, but one Ting led to another..” Wordplay



“I wrote a book on razor sharp knives yesterday. Which was pretty Stupid because my chair was perfectly fine.” Wordplay



“I was playing Frisbee in the garden with my son when he shouted “catch it!” I laughed “Don’t worry son I am a master at this” “No dad! you have just stepped in some” Wordplay



I think I have an obsession with black people but I can’t say Fo’ Sho’. Wordplay



There are many sites devoted to metal drain covers, but please do be careful when Googling “manholes” at Work. Wordplay



I’m Dave the pervert and climbing up 7 story buildings to watch women change through their window is my idea. Wordplay



“My mate’s upset, having been sacked from the nuclear power plant.

He reacted badly.” Wordplay



“I just got 25 kills and no deaths with my ump-45 and my desert eagle. did I get a tactical nuke? no I got arrested.” Wordplay



“I went for anger management therapy the other day and met a guy in the waiting room. I asked him what he was there for. He said, “Anger management.” I said, “Snap!” So, he punched me.” Wordplay



“Why did Santa say “Ho, ho, ho!”? He saw your mum, wife, and daughter in the same room.” Wordplay



“Lemonade: Giving help to unfortunate lemons” Wordplay



“I’m a pretty good Ventriloquist. Even though I say so myself.” Wordplay



I hate to point fingers, but somebody stuck my hand in this pencil sharpener. Wordplay



“I made a stiff drink when I came in from Work last night. Bad idea, it just dribbled out of her mouth.” Wordplay



If everyone is unique, don’t we all have something in common? Wordplay



“I saw the most attractive audio technician the other day… He was a pretty sound guy.” Wordplay



“Great, it’s Thursday and my mother-in-law’s cooking tonight. She’s being cremated.” Wordplay



“I’m a big fan of Scouting for girls. Or “Internet grooming” as most people call it.” Wordplay



“I went down on my girlfriend and I got a mouth full of blood instead of chocolate. So much for her Minstrel cycle.” Wordplay



“Apparently, Barack Obama is going to Camp David for Christmas. Is that a place or a person?” Wordplay



“I caught my wife with the plumber, So I told her: “It’s over Flo” Wordplay



“I’ve just seen a picture of Alan Carr with his face in a chocolate cake. It would appear the poof is in the pudding.” Wordplay



“I’m not a suspicious person, but my 17-year-old son has just told me he’s going to Bangkok for his holiday. If that’s the case, then why does he have coach tickets to Brighton?” Wordplay



“Not that’s not spelled right” Wordplay



Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock . Wordplay



“Packing for my holiday tomorrow: Shirts – check

t-shirts – check shorts – check socks – check I really should diversify my wardrobe.” Wordplay



“I’m fed-up of people saying that I have a Jewish person’s nose. I’m never showing anyone my war memorabilia again.” Wordplay



It was announced today that scientists from Dorset have been plannin