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The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, part 2

“The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes”

part 2

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Shakespir Edition

Shakespir Edition
Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” parts 1, 2 & 3.


I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 2. -From the F of Family to the M of Misunderstanding-

This second book contains another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content


5001 – 5313 Jokes on: Family


5314 – 5333 Jokes on: Farming


5334 – 5410 Jokes on: Fashion


5411 – 6202 Jokes on: Food and Drink


6203 – 6235 Jokes on: Gardening


6236 – 6275 Jokes on: Ghosts


6276 – 6356 Jokes on: Health


6357 – 6446 Jokes on: History


6447 – 6511 Jokes on: Holidays


6512 – 6816 Jokes on: Homeless


6818 – 7805 Jokes on: Internet


7806 – 8114 Jokes on: Irony


8115 – 9209 Jokes on: Joke


9210 – 9393 Jokes on: Library


9394 – 9452 Jokes on: Little Johnny


9453 – 9584 Jokes on: Lottery


9585 – 9647 Jokes on: Magic


9648 – 10000 Jokes on: Misunderstanding



My wife’s like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family



I was quite nervous about teaching my 13 yr. old daughter the facts of life. We sat down and had a chat and it went really well. Now I’m really looking forward to tonight’s session. It’s the practical. Family



“The girlfriend told me she doesn’t want to speak to me or see me for a while because I didn’t say anything to the bus driver who was rude to her. It seems that we’re just not getting on anymore.” Family



“Went shopping with my other half earlier and she went to try some dresses on and wanted my opinion “Do I look good in this one?” She asked “Nope” “This one?” “Nope” and so I went on for half an hour until she finally said “Surely I must look good in something?” “Yes” I said “In the dark” Family



Women have periods. Men suffer from them! Family



“I’m going to put an end to female patronization. So don’t any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads” Family



I’m off on holiday soon with the wife and kids, though I haven’t decided on the McCann’s or another Family this year. Family



I don’t need omega 3 pills to taste fish all day. I’ve got my wife for that. Family



The beach’s got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law. Family



“The wife said that I never took her out for anything to eat and drink, so took her out for tea and biscuits the other day… it was her first time as a blood donor.” Family



“Just sitting down to play Modern Warfare now. Or visiting the in-laws for dinner over the Christmas season as others call it.” Family



Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What’s the worst he can say? ‘‘I’m gonna get my Nun on you!’‘ Family



“When there’s a will, there’s a way! I used that phrase today… …While explaining to my father why he has to live in a home.” Family



“I’ve always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I’ve just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping” Family



“The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.’Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?”’ The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?” The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”’” Family



“I decided to put my wife on that TV show, ‘Take me out’. That is the one with the snipers yeah?” Family



“I and my mum share something special. Our first child.” Family



“Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and I and my dad hide all the chairs. It’s a standing Joke in our house.” Family



“I was fishing with my dad yesterday, when he told me I was adopted. I was reeling.” Family



“Just as a Joke I told the kids they were adopted. You should have seen their faces! I’ve never seen them so happy.” Family



“On a Sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home. For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow.” Family



“My dad wants me to go into the Family mining business, but I’m not too keen. I think I’m above all that.” Family



My doctor asked me if any of my Family suffered from insanity. I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it. Family



“The other night, I was in bed trying to sleep. A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me. She climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward my midsection. She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly. She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, “You ready for this Dan?” My name is Richard. She then starts the sucking. Well, I let this go on for a minute or two…who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad syphon sperm on someone she didn’t plan to. So I spoke up and said… “Mom, your room is across the hall.” Family



“My daughter has recently started sleep walking. Or so the wife thinks….” Family



“What’s the difference between swimming and sucking? My 12 year old daughter can swim a whole length without choking.” Family



“She pulled her silky gusset to one side. I went in deep, deep up to my nuts in guts. She let out an almighty gasping groan…. Nan’s arthritis was playing up at an inopportune time yet again.” Family



“I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental! We got married 3 weeks before he was born” Family



“I wet the bed until I was 16. I didn’t have a problem. I just think it’s important not to raise your parent’s expectations unnecessarily” Family



“My wife said “I’ve told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth”. “Funny, I don’t remember her ever saying that”.” Family



“The wife asked me the other night “Why don’t we go out any more?” Apparently “Your answers in the mirror” isn’t the answer she was looking for.” Family



I can imagine the Family portraits in the Where’s Wally household are pretty interesting. Probably just a photo of a couch and a lamp. Family



“I and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said “Why don’t we pack each other’s suit cases?” I said “Okay sounds fun.” When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. “Very funny” I said. My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.” Family



I used to get a lot of sun stroke… Until my Dad died. Family



They say no pain no gain… Didn’t work when my Uncle lost his leg… Family



“Your mum’s so fat she can walk through walls. She’s like a wrecking ball.” Family



I was named after my father – That Guy from the Bar Family



“As I checked in at Heathrow Terminal 5, I was told that I would have to pay excess baggage costs. I knew I shouldn’t have brought the wife.” Family



I’m better than my Family at everything. They’d think I was really arrogant if I wasn’t so good at being modest. Family



“My father always made me live out his broken dreams by signing me up to all sorts of sports teams. I actually like to think I made him quite proud. After all, I did fail them all just like him.” Family



“I handed my mother in law a bouquet of flowers and said “These made me think of you.” “They’re lovely,” she said “What are they?” “Snapdragons” I replied.” Family



“My dad has taken to punishing my by removing my Internet privileges I hope he likes bodily fluids in his coffee.” Family



“Men want 3 things in a woman: An artist in the home, an economist in the kitchen and a devil in bed. What they actually get is: A devil in the home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed!” Family



“Did you know that 8 out of 10 kids aren’t getting enough protein in their diet? And did you know that the other 2 in my room are getting plenty?” Family



“Our Family were so poor when I was a child, my brother and I had to share everything. Mind you, you should see how quick I am on one roller skate.” Family



“How do you know when a Family get together has gone too far? You can confirm your Mums a squirted.” Family



“My mother’s sister is a cleaner. Aunty Bacterial” Family



“A young boy was just being potty trained. When he went into the bathroom though, Tommy managed to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum had to go in and clean up after him. This went on for a further two weeks. His mother found this most annoying and she’d had enough. The next day she took young Tommy to the doctors. After the examination the Doctor said ‘his unit is too small. An old wives tale is to give him two slices of toast every morning, and his unit will eventually grow so he can hold it straight and pee with precision.’ ‘oh thank you so much doctor we’ll see I’d that works!’ said the mother. The next morning, Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table were twelve slices of toast. ‘Mum!’ he yelled. ‘The doctor said only two slices!’ ‘I know Tommy’ said his mother. ‘The other ten are for your Father.’” Family



“I decided that I would take control of my life… ..But my wife says that I can’t.” Family



“I went to meet my girlfriend’s Family today. “Nice to meet you Dave,” my girlfriends sister smiled. “I’ve heard lots about you”. “Likewise,” I replied. “How’s the Gonorrhea?” Family



“It’s the Stone Age. A caveman’s wife comes running up, screaming: “Ugg! Ugg! A saber-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother’s cave!” Ugg is unimpressed: “Stupid tiger. It’ll just have to fight its own way out, won’t it?” Family



“A man walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at a funeral. As he began to weep his wife walked up to him, slapped him and said, “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!” The husband replied, “I know. I thought I saw her move.” Family



“Experts say that the Box Jellyfish is the most venomous thing on the planet. They obviously didn’t interview my mother-in-law for the position.” Family



“I was sat on the top floor of a double decker bus with my wife and my 5 year old son. I said look Jakey, we’re bigger than everyone up here. “Not bigger than Mummy though are we Dad” He replied I looked at him and then turned to my wife. I’ve never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.” Family



Talking to my unsupportive dad the other day, he said “Do you know what the best thing about being your father is?” and with high hopes of getting praise for the first time I excitedly said “what dad?” “Going to work” he replied Family



“The wife told me she is leaving me, and an hour later she caught me in floods of tears! She said she is really sorry to do this to me! What she didn’t realize is that I popped the champagne cork straight into my eyes! Now let’s start celebrating!” Family



“Father: “You look a lot better now after the accident.” Son: “What accident?” Father “When you were born.” Family



“I called my dad into my room to fix my computer for the fifth time today. “This just isn’t on!” he snapped, flicking the power switch.” Family



“My wife and son died last year in a vicious shark attack. I wish I could have been there to save them, but I was a faster swimmer.” Family



“As my cat burglar father used to say “As one door closes, another third story window opens” Family



“I always hate the risk of coming on to one of your best friends. You never know if it’s going to work out or just end up awkward between you and inevitably ruin the friendship. That’s why it’s such a special moment when they tell you you’re like a brother to them, because then you know it’s ok to go for it.” Family



“I was in the shower this morning and noticed on my shampoo bottle that it bragged ‘Bigger size, better value!’ Shame it doesn’t work that way with the wife.” Family



“Sorry, you have the wrong number” “Sorry, you have the wrong number” “Sorry… ..You would think after the 57th time your parents would get the message” Family



“My mother told me not to talk to strange men. Since I found out he collects bottle tops I’ve not said a word to my dad.” Family



“My dad was a dustman. Then someone sneezed.” Family



I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said ‘Can I swap for a Swedish wife please? Family



“At times like these I look back to what my late uncle would always say Sorry, I missed my bus” Family



“An eerie thing is causing my close relatives to send me badly written letters. Whatever it is, it makes my kin scrawl.” Family



“I recently rediscovered my youth. Decomposing in the Cellar.” Family



“Walking down the road with my elderly father, I saw a stray dog walking in our direction. I petted him and allowed him to walk along with us. “You know,” I said “I’ve always wanted a dog.” “Well son” said my dad “my asthma, I can’t live with a dog!” “That’s true” I said. I thought to myself “I’ll find him a good home.” “Golden Years Retirement Complex” is just around the corner.” Family



“The missus has finally given me something that I have wanted since our first night together her absence” Family



“Why is your mum like a pub in Portsmouth? Because she’s crammed full of seamen.” Family



My 11 yr. old daughter is having a friend stay over tonight. Whatever the outcome is I will wake up in the morning with a big smile on my face knowing that I will have had my first ever threesome. Family



“The upside of my divorce and remarriage in my 40’s? A pair of my teenage stepdaughter’s used panties to sniff each day.” Family



“I and My Girlfriend have decided that we don’t want to have children. If anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow….” Family



“My little girl came up to me today with an intent expression on her face and said: “Daddy, why did you name me Angel?” I sat her on my knee and explained to her: “Listen sweetie-pie, my policy as a father has always been to give my children names that reflect how I feel about them.” She beamed at me. “Now take the prodding stick down to the cellar and check if Accident and Flesh waste are still alive.” Family



“My mother in law had a fatal heart attack this morning. There’s nothing better than waking up to good news.” Family



I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer’s is getting worse. Family



“I think it’s funny when I throw my kids in the pool. My wife disagrees with me though. She says I should put some water in.” Family



“I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life. The Child Support Agency kindly send me letters to remind me.” Family



“My sister asked me if I’d liked to come with her, I got all excited until I realized she was holding the car keys” Family



Manchester City midfielder Shawn Wright Phillips has been put on the transfer list today, Madonna is said to be interested Family



“My kids are like my Jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed.” Family



“I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read “Could you do with one less bag?”. “Yes”, I thought, “but unfortunately she’s my mother-in-law”.” Family



“I received a phone call on my mobile from my son’s school teacher today. “Your son hasn’t turned up for school for over a week,” he exclaimed. “Well, speak to his Gran,” I snapped. “I’m in prison!” “What about his mother?” he replied. “Why do you think I’m in prison?” Family



“Every woman has something beautiful. In my wife’s case it’s her younger sister.” Family



“Why is your mum so fat? Every time she swallows, I buy her a cake.” Family



“I was just watching my mum masturbating. She was asleep ……” Family



Your mamma’s so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed the whole first season of Lost. Family



My Dad was a man of very few words, one day he said to me “Son…” Family



“Me and the wife had a play fight this morning. She threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked her for six” Family



“My wife and my life are quite similar. I know one day they’re going to leave me but they would never have the courage to do it when I’m awake.” Family



When I was a little boy, my parents used to move and change houses a lot. Though I would find them again. Family



“Do you like my watch? My grandfather sold it to me on his death bed. I gave him a cheque.” Family



Now that I’m married, I keep a photo of my Family where I used to keep my money when I was single. Family



“Can’t believe, I’ve just been thrown out of my Mother-in laws funeral. Apparently, hiring an 18 piece Steel Band is disrespectful!” Family



My wife and kids are my heart and soul. They’re slowly being destroyed through my alcoholism and heroin addiction. Family



“I’ve received terrible news that my teenage daughter’s been knocked down in a car accident. Surgeons have spent hours operating on her and say she’ll pull through but due to internal injuries she’ll never be able to have children. So on the Brightside, I won’t have to use condoms anymore.” Family



“My wife reckons I don’t treat my ginger stepson fairly: “I can’t believe you won’t let him come on holiday with us” she said “He’s always wanted to go to Disneyland” “I don’t care, he always spoils Holidays for his brother and sister” I replied. “Why should we let him ruin this one too?” “Because he’ll be dead in two months and the Make-A-Wish Foundation said the holiday was for him.” Family



“I fear the moment that the world as we know it changes, the moment that makes you a different person. Your mum added you as a friend to Facebook.” Family



“People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him.” Family



“The kids have emphatically said they don’t want me to help them with their homework, because I’m always getting things slightly wrong … I said.’OK, fine. But remember what goes around, comes down’” Family



“My wife told me she is sick of me constantly putting her mother down. I told her that her mother should improve her MMA skills then” Family



Apparently my wife wants to divorce me because of my appearance. I haven’t shown up in two years. Family



“‘In many things, being first is very important & can give you an advantage.’ I told my young son ‘Aardvark’ earlier.” Family



“After the christening of his baby brother, little Jack cried all the way to the car. “Why are you crying, Jack?” asked his father. “Because the vicar said he wanted us to grow up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum,” sobbed Jack.” Family



“The last few weeks have been brilliant spending time with my wife and children but it was difficult explaining that daddy will soon be gone and won’t be around very much. But come on football season is about to resume.” Family



“My wife just asked me what I would do if she was kidnapped. I asked her if she’d ever seen that Liam Neason film ‘taken’. ….. I told her I’d watch that.” Family



“What bounces and makes kids cry? Gary Glitter on a pogo stick.” Family



“I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago. But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us.” Family



“I like Trains. Because one killed my Wife” Family



“I’ve been seeing a lot of my Family recently. I must have watched twenty episodes and not laughed once.” Family



“Both my granddads are completely different from each other. I call my mum’s father “Early Granddad” because no matter where we go or what we do he is always the first one there. I call my dad’s father “Late Granddad” because he’s dead.” Family



I have just made my daughter a puppet using nothing but my bare hand. Family



BBC News: ‘Call for Children’s Fitness Tests’ If it means my daughter having even more stamina then I’m all for it.” Family



“What’s worse than your wife not being tight? Your daughter not being tight.” Family



My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips. Family



"Q. If men have 'Family jewels' what do women have?? A. 'Jewelry boxes'" Family



“Took the missus for an Italian the other night and after consulting the menu she ordered the page one. “That’s Page 1 you daft cow” I said” Family



“I bought a park bench to remember our dear little daughter. It didn’t work, I still forgot to fetch her from school.” Family



Those who say that there is nothing to fear but fear itself obviously have never had 4 missed calls from their mum. Family



“I was told earlier today that I’m impossible to please I must say, i wasn’t very happy after hearing that” Family



“I and my identical twin were separated at birth and I haven’t seen him since. I’ve often thought about trying to find him… …But I wouldn’t know where to start, or what he looks like now.” Family



“I’m often accused of being a compulsive liar, so let’s get a few things straight. My grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy and was decorated after the war. My other grandfather started a small business in London that’s now a multi-million pound company. My other grandfather…” Family



“I and my brother decided to have a sword fight. Let’s just say he’s my half-brother now.” Family



“I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three Magical words every man loves to hear in the morning; ‘‘Here’s your tea’” Family



“I’ve recently been on one of those ‘fly-drive’ Holidays with the Family. The wife kept flying off the handle and the kids drove me up the wall.” Family



I just joined a group on Facebook that was called KIDS v CANCER, it would seem that writing “I’m putting all my money on cancer” on the message board is not the best to get friends. Family



“Just informed my friends that i scored with an older woman! Everyone thinks I’m “the man!!!” now :) Thanks gran, i owe you one ;)” Family



“We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our daughter Sharon offered to lead us in prayer; “Dear God, I thank you for giving me such lovable parents, Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and ice-cream. Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for supper. Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and the naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother’s pants as he slept on the settee, and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy’s Cell phone,

& build shelter to the Homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work …Amen.” Family



“I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars. She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook.” Family



If I become my parents, I’ll be an alcoholic blonde running around chasing after twenty year old men…..or I’ll become my mom. Family



Why do parents always take their children to the supermarket to smack them? Family



Old people, bless them. My great grandfather had a fight at his allotment the other day. I went up to sort it out, but the next day it was forgotten about. Family



“My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest. He’s always smiling at mum’s grave.” Family



“Watching The Nightmare before Christmas has become a tradition for our Family at this time of the year. I hate having a meal at the in-laws.” Family



“My friend just phoned me to say he accidentally shot his wife in the knee and wanted to know what he should do… I told him “Aim Higher” Family



“As I’ve aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I think I should move out, it’s starting to get weird.” Family



"Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. “This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one. “No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. “Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.” “Sounds good to me,” said the first lady. But the other woman said, “Oh sure, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.” The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, “The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter.” “But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king's court. “Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law.” Family



I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; “Some soldiers.” Family



I recently went down with the missus to trade her car in and was outraged to only be offered 300 based upon the state of the bodywork, flaps hanging off and a knackered back box. On a positive note I got 2.5k back on the car. Family



“Whenever I tell my wife that we’re leaving, I always say “Let’s bounce.” Not because I think it sounds better than “Let’s move.” I just like to remind her that she doesn’t have any legs.” Family



My wife couldn’t breast feed when she gave birth to our daughter, so I let her suckle off our Labrador which had just had a litter of pups. Now here we are sixteen years later and there’s nothing wrong with her….. Though in all honesty she is a bit of a dog … Family



“Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard. My wife says I over reacted and that it’s common during pregnancy.” Family



“I want to buy some land to raise some sheep and cows and pigs. so I went to an estate agents called Anemo. Everyone knows An Emo Sell Farms” Family



“I’ve wanted to run away from home recently because no one understands me. I hate my kids.” Family



My parents lied to me a lot when I was a boy. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, “stop crying and we’ll let you out of the box”….. Family



My dad walked through the door this morning I told him to use the handle next time. Family



I said to my son, “Sorry I didn’t get you anything for your birthday, but on a totally un-related subject, you’re adopted.” Family



“Worthers original… A creamy golden reminder that granddad’s dead” Family



David Cameron has pledged to help White Families adopt Black Babies more quickly…Or “Madonna’s Law” as it will be more commonly known Family



I felt awful after hearing my ex-girlfriend had been killed in a horrific car accident. I might never get my Rocky V dvd back. Family



“My son said “If I grow up to be half of the man you are, I’d be happy!” earlier. I then realized he was talking to his mother.” Family



My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said “I want to smell like a grown up woman”. So I killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers. Family



“My wife told me her mother was coming over and asked me to be nice to her. ‘I’m always nice!’ I protested. ‘What about last week when she asked if you would get her a drink of water?’ She asked. ‘Did I not get her a drink of water?’ I asked in reply. ‘Yes.’ She said, ‘In a dog bowl, which you put on the floor in front of her.’” Family



My mother-in-law says I’m effeminate. I suppose, next to her, I am. Family



I’m going to call my new-born son “Names”, so that name-calling isn’t a problem when he’s older. Family



“My wife left me today, because of my inability to react appropriately in situations. So I went shopping.” Family



“My daughter is so much like my late wife. Never on time” Family



“I got a phone call from the hospital today. “Dad, you better come down here quick,” my son cried. “Mum’s going to die.” “Oh no,” I panicked. “Who’s going to look after you?” Family



“My wife is missing for almost 2 weeks now and the police warned me that I should prepare myself for “the worst case scenario” So I went back to the second hand store where I sold all of her clothing and bought it all back…” Family



“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Not a good thing to hear from your dad. Unless, of course, your dad is Dr. Bruce Banner.” Family



“A religious nut I know told me that my idle thumbs are the Devil’s playthings. I guess my uncle was the Devil then.” Family



“Whilst in bed my wife said she knows I’ve been cheating with the girl next door. I was relieved when she made it clear that she was talking about my next door neighbours, not my daughter in the next room.” Family



“I’m really worried because my 13 year old daughter claims to have slept with ‘countless’ men. What sort of 13 year old can’t count to 107?” Family



With so many unwanted cats and dogs roaming the streets… I won’t bother with a turkey this Christmas. Family



“Saw some Ginger Siamese twins today and funny I thought they both looked a bit like Raoul Moat Then I couldn’t help but think to myself that 2 heads are better than none.” Family



“You should have seen the misses face when I told her I was into domestic violence. Bruised.” Family



“I treat my radiator and daughter the same. I bleed them regularly.” Family



“My wife and I recently adopted a beautiful little ginger. We had a choice but he was easily the cutest. It’s ok, it’s a kitten.” Family



It’s weird how so many people I meet know I’m Bob’s nephew Family



“I’ve told my son that I have put 250 000 into a trust fund to be released to him at the time of my death. That way I know that I won’t be there to see his disappointment when he realizes that I’m a bad father.” Family



“The doctor told us that my wife only had days to live. I began to get really worried for our children. It was going to be a nightmare finding foster parents at such short notice.” Family



“If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I’ll explain to them about democracy. I’ll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what TV. channel. Once they’re excited that they’ll be able to always take the majority I’ll point out they’re not old enough to vote.” Family



My mother in law was kicked by my horse, she dies from the injury. There are lots of people at the funeral, even from other towns as well. My friend asked me surprisingly if my mother in law was loved by so many people. No, I replied. They all wanna buy my horse… Family



Bought the wife a new washing machine made in India ….a stone. Family



“My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk… Ha! Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season” Family



“I can’t count the amount of cousins I’ve slept with on my hands… I can on my toes, though.” Family



“Staying at a B&B there’s that awkward feeling, you’re in somebody’s home, like your mates house, his parents are there… but he’s dead.” Family



Apparently when my mum asked where I was taking her for her birthday, an old people’s home wasn’t the answer she was hoping for. Family



“I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has made sure they aren’t overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a disaster.” Family



“Just got back from my Mum’s cremation. I’m glad that’s all done and dusted” Family



I binned the Mrs. the other day. Just a bit worried she might start to smell before the next collection. Especially with the bank holiday. Family



Judging by the way my dad reacted when I arrived home stoned last night, he meant something totally different when he said “Son, get out there and live the high life” Family



“My mother had a go at me for never visiting her. At least I think it was my mother.” Family



“What’s the difference between my wife and a grittier? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight.” Family



“My father got up and announced that he was engaged to be married yesterday. I was made up for him, but my sister broke down in tears and ran off, missing the rest of our mother’s funeral.” Family



“When my daughter announced that she was getting married I knew I had to come clean. She was rather upset after I’d told her that I wasn’t her real dad. But at least I managed to avoid the tradition of the bride’s father paying for the wedding.” Family



Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger. Family



My uncle died the other day, broke his neck. He was leaving Asda and tripped over a ‘bag for life’ Family



“My parents badly abused me when I was a child. They gave me toys to play with, food to eat and a nice cozy bed. I don’t think they understood what abuse involves.” Family



“My new neighbours came up to me today and said, “Alright mate, nice to meet you” I said “Hi nice to meet you too” He asked “ Mate, do you know when the dustbin men come?” so I replied “ Yeah Tuesday why?” He said “well my wife’s body is starting to stink up the car…..” Family



“My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines. I wish I hadn’t rolled up a tenner as fast as I had… Stupid Lottery.” Family



Had my wife reminded me of condoms, my daughter wouldn’t be expecting a baby. Family



Making children is for people that can’t afford a dog Family



“3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life….. ….I’m running away from” Family



“I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public. Not sure what their problem was…. she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash.” Family



“You know you have no social life when your 70 year old mother gets more texts then you. It’s even worse when she hasn’t had a working mobile for 3 years.” Family



I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went upstairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of “Shake it David shake it”. Family



The missus is dragging me to see the in-laws tomorrow. A special forces rescue team would be appreciated…though preferably not an American one Family



The wife got dressed up for trick or treating last night, she looked better than she has for a long time. Family



“My wife’s been by my side for ages, but she’s said she’s had enough and is leaving. Can’t blame her, the queue at the clap clinic just wasn’t moving.” Family



“The wife asked me the other day what the one thing I would change about her would be. Apparently bartering for more than one was not a good idea.” Family



“I was looking forward to my birthday. My Dad said he had got me a train set. I opened it up and the box was empty. “Dad I thought you said that you had got me a train set?” “There’s a train strike.” Family



“My wife told me to buy some perfume to describe what I would like to do most to her. She wasn’t happy when she opened her bottle of “poison” Family



“It’s our little secret” he said, as Daddy kissed me on the cheek. I felt dirty, I didn’t know what to do, should I tell mummy or keep it to myself? I had been betrayed by my own father. I can’t believe he’d been shopping in Aldi.” Family



“People think I’m weird because I only buried the right half of my dead daughter, but I just wanted to keep everything I had left of her.” Family



Long ago my wife and I made a decision to be happy. But then we had kids anyway. Family



“My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, when I hit her, she stops making noise.” Family



“My nan doesn’t like it when I kick the back of her chair really hard. She goes off her rocker.” Family



“My Dad just told me that before he met my mother he was something of a ladies man. He said he used to chase skirts all over the world. I bet he got a shock when he visited Scotland!!!” Family



“I always used to be much better at FIFA than my son and beat him every day. Now he’s improved immensely, and we’re more equal when we play. I still beat him every day though. It’s just that the beatings are much more severe if he dares win at FIFA.” Family



My eleven month old just took her first steps… towards the foster home if she touch’s my PlayStation again Family



“I told my mate that he was easily amused. But he just cracked up and shat himself.” Family



My mum asked me to stay downstairs and keep an eye out for a parcel being delivered. I said, “No way! I’m busy playing upstairs!” She told me to bring whatever I was playing with downstairs. She didn’t know what to make of it when I returned with my sister. Family



My dad’s tall and my mum’s small, I am medium. My dad’s black and my mum’s white, I’m half caste. My dad’s muscle and my mum’s skinny, I am average. My dad’s male and my mum’s female, I’m now very worried. Family



“Since I lost my job me and Granddad have been spending more and more time with each other, were getting on so well he’s leaving me all of his inheritance. “Granddad, you shouldn’t have” I said, “Now then, the thing you need to remember about Base Jumping is I’ve packed your ruck sack with a parachute, just pull it open when your about 20’ from the ground. Ok then off you pop and no more silly talk about the railway museum….” Family



“My wife reminded me this morning that her mother was coming to stay this week. “I want you to make an effort, and make her feel at home,” she said. So I’m leaving her a pillow and a duvet in the kennel.” Family



I walked into the kitchen last night to see my dad cooking tea, I stood and started crying my eyes out, I thought my mum had walked out on us Family



I went to visit my mother earlier, that’s me bang up to date with who’s terminally ill. Family



“Just found out I was conceived via ‘Artificial inlemonation’. I’m not bitter though.” Family



Timeline, putting your life in order, because you are incapable of doing it yourself. Family



“I had a dream in which my wife was involved in a car accident and tragically killed… i woke up in tears that morning… …because I realized she wasn’t actually dead.” Family



“My daughter’s headmaster keeps telling me what a naughty girl she is. Personally, I’m the luckiest man on Sickipedia.” Family



LATEST NEWS IN: Wayne Rooney scores in Africa. Last seen leaving the Nelson Mandela nursing home in Sun City.” Family



You know it is time to put your Dad in a care home when you need a guardrail at the top of the stairs every night. Family



“I always remember my first words as a child, “dad” and “STOP” Family



After watching Who Do You Think You Are I decided to trace my ancestors. I was able to trace my roots all the way back to my father. Family



“My wife and I’ve just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary. In all that time we’ve only ever had one argument. It started about 50 years ago.” Family



“I was complaining to my mate the other day, who’s a Doctor, about a persistent whining sound in my head. He suggested a divorce!” Family



“My son is a terrible dresser. Does a great bureau though, seriously, doesn’t move an inch when you compose a letter on him.” Family



“It looks like my daughter takes after my wife. Recently her weight has nearly doubled. I mean, only a few months ago, she was seven pounds four ounces.” Family



“All the bad weather means a walk in the woods with the wife and kids is out of the question, so I’ve decided to take them to the Museum of Transport in our town. It should be fairly easy to lose them there.” Family



“My wife’s just left me because she was fed up of my constantly optimistic approach to life. She’ll be back though, i just know it, and we’ll be together forever and never be unhappy.” Family



“‘Happy Birthday Google!’ My Dad screamed down the phone. I hung up and instantly burst in to tears… I wish he could get my birthday right one year!” Family



Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you divorces. Good enough right? Family



“After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend’s iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn’t high enough.” Family



“My mother in law drowned yesterday Apparently she isn’t a Witch after all.” Family



“We have some good news and bad news Mr. Hughes. The good news is you get to spend more time with your Family this Christmas!” Family



Every Xmas the Family likes to play charades. Our Nan tries to be as accurate as possible meaning her basic instinct is not such a highlight. Family



This is England’86 aka this is Burnley. Family



My wife is that lazy she’s been pregnant for 18 months. Family



“They say nothing compares to a mothers love. I remember her fondly saying “don’t come running to me if you break your leg” and “Don’t come crying to me when your father makes you suck him off”. Makes me feel sorry for anyone from an unloved Family that must have been horrible.” Family



“When I was a child, we were very poor, so I never had any toys to play with. In fact all I had to play with was a transistor.. Well, my brother in my mum’s clothes.” Family



“Quasimodo was dancing in a nightclub with this really fit bird when suddenly she noticed a big bulge in his pocket. “Quasi! You naughty boy! What’s that bulge in your pocket?” The girl purred “Oh!” Said quasi “it’s a picture of my dad” Family



“The mother-in-law moaned all the way on the journey from Dublin to Kerry. She’s was even moaning when I was taking her down off the roof rack.” Family



“My wife was in the bathroom the other day and shouted, “Ewwww there’s a spider!” I thought to myself, “Has it really been that long?” Family



Son: daddy I can’t stop walking around in circles. Dad: shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor. Family



“The banks are like Family. Always there for you, but if you need money They don’t know who you are.” Family



“I saw my daughter about to go out. She was wearing little more than a training bra and a miniskirt, so I said to her, “Louise, I can’t let you go out dressed like that.” “Why not?” she asked. Knowing that she could be very naive, it was hard for me to say anything but, “I don’t like what you’re wearing.” “Dad?” “Just trust me, I don’t.” “What’s wrong with it?” “There’s something about what you’re wearing that really rubs me the wrong way…” Family



“I and my girlfriend were discussing the things we have in common the other day, it turns out there quite a lot. The same colour eyes we like the same genre of music we went to the same school we even found out we have the same dad…” Family



“Your sister couldn’t wrestle to save her life, but we have all seen her box.” Family



My mum and dad were always playing practical Jokes on me when I was a kid. I can remember coming home from school once and they had moved house. Family



“I’m a real Family man I’m loyal to all eight of my families.” Family



It’s inappropriate to tell parents how to raise their kids, unless they are Austrians. Family



I told my Family about this website…now none of them are speaking to me. Family



“My daughter barely speaks to me and I love it. She looks great naked.” Family



I found out the other day that my Dad was an undercover journalist. That was news to me… Family



“Apart from the police, what’s the only thing a black man will run away from RESPONSIBILITY” Family



My wife just got a call from the bank saying her account is being used suspiciously. Apparently no transactions have taken place within the last ten minutes. Family



“Great. The wife’s just told me she’s invited her mother round this weekend. I know what that means, no footy or beers then. I’ll just have to go to the pub and kill 2 birds with one stone. But that can wait till I get back from the pub.” Family



I prefer Friends to My Family…so that’s why I got kicked out of the house. Family



“I remember I once went to see my Nan as a little boy. The trainers with the lights in the heel were cool, but the SpongeBob dungarees didn’t suit her.” Family



“My wife and kids said they wanted to experience the thrill of living in a caravan for the week. So I’ve locked them all in the gas cupboard while I enjoy the house to myself.” Family



To most men getting married means spending the rest of their life with the one the love, to me it’s just like getting your own personal chef. Family



“’‘Mum can I wear my mini skirt? ‘‘no.’‘ ‘‘what about my make up?’‘ ‘‘no.’‘ ‘‘but I’m 17?!’‘ ‘‘I know John.’‘” Family



“Mothers are always saying, how they hate their children growing up so fast and losing their innocence. Why don’t they adopt a Down syndrome? They stay at the mental age of a 5 years old all their life. :-)” Family



“My Sister works for the Electric board. Do you want to meter.” Family



“I came over a bit strange at work today, felt so disoriented I nearly fell off my ladder. The mother in law must have had a dizzy spell.” Family



Today, I changed my name in my mum’s phone to “God.” I texted her saying your son deserves a nice car, money and a new phone. Look on her face was brilliant Family



“My wife just threw lemonade all over me. She’s so spiteful.” Family



You know your dad’s cheap when he tells you to photocopy a stamp…. Family



Is was getting tea-bagged by my wife the other day. Then I thought to myself, wait a minute….. Family



“What happened to the split condom? Look in the mirror.” Family



“I’m not ready for parenthood. I don’t do hats.” Family



“It was graduation day and my wife wanted to take a picture of my son with me in his cap and gown.’ Stand beside your father and put your arm round his shoulder, ‘ said my wife, ‘ I want the picture to look natural. ‘‘If you want the picture to look natural, tell him to put his hand in my pocket, ‘ I replied.” Family



“I saw my dad smiling and I asked “What are you thinking about?” He replied “Oh I’m just remembering the good old days” “Your childhood?” “Before you were born” Family



“Mother: “Charlie can I ask you what a word means?” Me: “Go on then” Mum: “Actually I might look it up online, it could be a bit rude” Me: “What is it?” Mum: “Vajazzle” Me: “Ah yes that is rude” Mum: “So it’s not the trumpet thing they had in the world cup?” That rounded my year off quite well.” Family



“My wife said to me I wish you’d play with me like you do those video games. So I shot her in the face with an AK-47.” Family



“As it nears father’s day I thought I’d get my dad a football shirt, now to untie it from the lamppost” Family



“My wife left me, telling me I’ll never see our kids again. Finally after 5 years we agree on something.” Family



“Tip for the kids – When your mum is angry with your dad, don’t let her brush your hair!” Family



“I hate going to see Grandma cos she always slips me the tongue when I give her a kiss. On the plus side though she swallows like a goodun.” Family



I’m a big believer in fire safety and often check the smoke alarms in our house. By getting my wife to do the cooking. Family



“I tried to be Friends with Benefits with myself. It turns out I wanted more, but I didn’t.” Family



“Statement: Your son doesn’t really take after your side, a bit from his mother’s… Real Meaning: He looks like the milkman.” Family



“My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, and a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that Card.” Family



“I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.” Family



“Want to know why my kids are so beautiful? It’s because they look like their father. If anyone knows him could you tell him to pick up his kids? It’s been 14 years!” Family



“As a young boy, fast, jerking hand movements have helped improve my life a lot. For example the time I deflected the sauce pan thrown at me by my father.” Family



“When out shopping one day my wife exclaimed ‘Home base really is my home away from home!’ They do some nice kitchens after all.” Family



When my dog does something wrong in the house I rub his face in it… I use the same system for my girlfriend. That’s the last time she forgets to clean the oven… Family



“My son was misbehaving in a shop the other day when I and the wife took him shopping, so I slapped him hard across the back of the legs and told him he had been very naughty. The wife said “You shouldn’t do that you know.” “Why not?” I replied, “He’s my son.” “Because he’s 24.” Family



My spouse absconded from me as a result of my impulsion to utilize a synonym reference book upon the entirety of my colloquy Family



“My wife told me to lighten up the other day. “You’re always so stiff and formal.” I can tell you the defecation certainly encountered the rotary oscillator.” Family



“When I was a kid, I was looking inside my dad’s closet and I was shocked to find out that he secretly stashed pantyhose in a special drawer. And even though it took him a while, eventually he was able convince me that he only uses it when he robs banks and breaks into apartments.” Family



Just watching ‘children in need ‘or visiting my kids who live with my ex as it’s supposed to be called. Family



“Wife asked me why the PC volume is always at zero when she switches it on in a morning. “Windows default love,” I said. Quite convincingly.” Family



“When the kids left after coming over to wish me a happy Father’s Day, I said to the wife that this had been the best Father’s Day yet. “I’m so happy for you” “she said. “It only cost me 200 quid this year” “I told her.” Family



“Had a great day at the beach with all the Family. The kids buried their mother in the sand, we all had ice cream and rides on the donkeys and, at the end of the day we packed up and walked back to the car. That’s when my daughter said “What about mum?” I said “It’s ok, we’ll come back next weekend and see if we can find her.” Family



“Losing one parent is unlucky. Losing the other is just careless.” Family



“When I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant, I realized something was hideously wrong. Mum told me she’d hit the menopause.” Family



“Darling I said you remind me of a swan. My wife replied, because of my beauty and grace? No love because you’re a bit of a fat bird.” Family



Had a lovely Mother’s Day, took the old dear out for lunch, nipped to the seaside for an hour and stopped off for a cheeky sherry on the way home. Anyway, sun’s going down now so time to get her back in the ground! Family



“I have stopped going to watch Stockport County football club!!!! Well they don’t come and see me when I’m bad…………..” Family



“Every time I walk in front of the TV when Jeremy Kyle is on, my wife tells me to get out of the way or she’ll kick me in the nuts. I just ignore it as I don’t pay any attention to idle threats.” Family



“I said, “I’ve bought some of that white plastic garden furniture” My mate said, “Bad idea mate. I’ve heard of loads of people getting seriously injured when the chairs break” I said, “I know … the mother-in-law is coming over for a barbecue this weekend” Family



A blank screen a day keeps your mother away. Family



“I was going to go on strike today, no recognition after years of hard work, the financial hardship and years of misery after retirement. I suppose it’s my own fault though for getting Married” Family



“Mum: So, have you learned your lesson! Me: Yes, so don’t spend the next hour reiterating it please.” Family



“Sunshine came softly through my… Window today” Luckily I was out. My whole Family got vaporized.” Family



“I was explaining to my son that some children could take their parents to court and some couldn’t. After I told him he was one of the ones that couldn’t, he asked, “why not daddy?” “Because, I’ll break your legs if you even try.” “I said.” Family



“My wife just gave birth to our first son after an arduous 23 hour labour. Glad I wasn’t paying her by the hour.” Family



It annoys me how farmers always have to put their gates in the muddiest part of the field. Farming



“A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” The farmer said, “Holy smoke lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The old lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.” Farming



“As a shepherd, I hear lots of Jokes about sheep. I used to tell them to my dog but he’d always herd them.” Farming



“How do farmers make crop circles? With a protractor.” Farming



Farming: Gardening for people with far too much land Farming



My uncle is a farmer, a few months ago he was harvesting his crops. He was driving his combine harvester through his field when he accidentally ran over a drunken scatter asleep on the floor. There was blood, sovereign rings, Kappa tracksuit and Burberry all over the place. It took him ages to sort the wheat from the chat. Farming



“What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ‘‘Where’s my tractor?’‘” Farming



“I’m struggling to find the best way to get my baby goats clean and ready for the village fete tomorrow. Does anyone know of any good Internet sites where I can get tips on grooming kids?” Farming



Statistically 1/2 people enjoy marriage. Farming



I think the farmer next door is on drugs but getting evidence is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Farming



“The farmer next to me made a huge wooden crossing for his field but couldn’t remember where he’d put it. He lost it, big stile.” Farming



The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer “I’m sorry, it’s bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies “Bejaysus….I didn’t even know they had mobiles!” Farming



I’m the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes. Farming



“What do you call a guy who used to like tractors? An Extractor fan.” Farming



“In a countryside field a sign reads…. “The Farmer allows walkers to cross this field for free, but the bull charges” Farming



BBC NEWS – Man in farm murder inquiry bailed. As much as I like to see the punishment fitting the crime scenario I’m not sure what throwing blocks of hay at him will achieve.” Farming



“I couldn’t get my tractor back home from work today. I drove into a magnetic field.” Farming



“I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on Facebook. My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts.” Farming



“Why don’t sheep use tampons? They’re worried about toxic flock syndrome” Farming



“I’m not trying to impress you but, I own a tractor.” Farming



“What’s soft and slippery? A slipper.” Fashion



“I bought a new necklace earlier that made my skin go a funny blue colour so I suspected it was a rip off. Turns out it was a 24ct gold bracelet.” Fashion



“When David Beckham scored for England, all the kids wanted Beckham haircuts. Sorry, Lescott, but I can’t see this catching on.” Fashion



Newcastle United’s new away strip looks just like a deck chair. Ironically, there will be thousands of them at Black pool next season. Fashion



“Standing in line behind an American woman at McDonald’s. She’s wearing those jeans, you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says “ Guess”. I’m thinking 450, maybe 500 pounds.” Fashion



“I asked the missus this morning what size she is, as I was buying her Christmas presents She told me she was a size 10. The trouble I had getting shoes in her size!” Fashion



Brentano customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They’ll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting. Fashion



“I’ve booked an appointment with my tailor to shorten the length of my trousers. I hope he turns up.” Fashion



“French connection UK. Offending dyslexics since 2001” Fashion



“Cesc Fabregas has secured a new sponsorship deal since his move to Barcelona A 5 year deal with bench.” Fashion



“I’ve recently developed a belief in Feng Shui. The Jeremy Kyle show was on and I turned the TV to face the wall and felt a lot happier.” Fashion



“How do you know a woman is wearing tights? Her knees swell up when she farts.” Fashion



There is a thin line between looking indie and looking Homeless. Fashion



“I recently went to a funeral in Liverpool, people were outraged when I turned up in my best tracksuit… They’d all came in casual ones.” Fashion



“I went to the police station in a top hat, bow tie and flippers. They said I should ‘make a statement’.” Fashion



“Why do women feel the need to wear expensive designer clothes in the hope of impressing men? No straight guy in the History of the world has ever turned to his mates and said, ‘check out the Gucci on that girl’.” Fashion



“Just pushed a hipster down the stairs. I suppose you can say he’s a tumblr.” Fashion



I went to an Asthma Awareness Fashion show last week. I was shocked. Even the fat chicks were breathtaking. Fashion



“I killed a man with a beard today. Looking back, it was a poor weapon choice.” Fashion



“I was arguing with my neighbours Mohammed’s wife about how wrong the burka is and how ridiculous it looks. I don’t see her point though, I love wearing it!” Fashion



Modelling: A career for those born without talent. Fashion



I just noticed that my boxers have a label on them that says “part of a set” … I am a little upset that I didn’t get the matching bra … Fashion



“I saw a guy getting mugged today. I was going to help him, but then I saw he was wearing chinos.” Fashion



“You know these Fashions with skinny jeans. I can’t get into them.” Fashion



“My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God. As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style BEFORE the missionary position.” Fashion



“The wife asked how I liked her new dress “ looked better with the potatoes in “ wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Back on the sofa tonight” Fashion



“I was shopping in Primark today when I thought; “Wait a minute, I have money” Fashion



“I was reading through a Fashion magazine and one of the pages said, “winter’s coming up, find out what’s hot this season!” I thought, “Radiators.” Fashion



“I went to go buy some camouflage trousers today… but I couldn’t find any.” Fashion



“I would never go to Burton for my clothes. It’s too far away, I live in Scotland.” Fashion



“According to news reports, undertakers took Alexander McQueen’s body out of his flat on a stretcher, covered in a maroon blanket. A maroon blanket? I wouldn’t see dead in a maroon blanket, would be complete Fashion suicide.” Fashion



Strange, Ugly Betty is the only programme that looks worse in HD Fashion



“Have you heard about the newest Fashion trend? Men wearing Ugg boots. Apparently they’re called Muggs.” Fashion



“Top man website: Ways to wear Chinos. I’ve got a hunch that “On your legs” is going to be up there.” Fashion



“My wife roped me into a fancy dress party then started to nag me about possible costumes and whether we dress up as a pair. “Listen.” I said, exasperated, “You don’t need a costume. I’ll dress up as Crockett and we can go together as Miami Vice.” Fashion



Flares are being thrown outside Top Shop in Oxford Street. Didn’t know they still stocked them. Fashion



“Just bought a coat with elbow patches, I didn’t even know they were legal tender.” Fashion



“Returning stolen goods” is the new black. Fashion



Stroke my coat. You’ve pulled a cat. Fashion



“I wasn’t very happy with the clothes order that came through the mail today. They were a bit small and didn’t really fit, but I think I’ll still keep them. They were for next door anyway.” Fashion



“Just saw a Facebook group called ‘boys buy hoodies to have them stolen by girls.’ No they don’t. Boys buy hoodies to stand on street corners and knife people, remember David Cameron?” Fashion



“A mate of mine walked into the pub with a fish on his head. The fish was positioned quite high on his head with its broad tail hanging down the back of his neck like a curtain. “Evening Dave!” I said, “Nice mullet.” Fashion



“My favourite way to dress is in all black. My Fashion sense is second to nun.” Fashion



“We were about to leave for high street and my girlfriend asked….”looks like summer is here. What should I wear to look smart?”….. “Face mask” wasn’t the answer she was looking for” Fashion



“What do you call a man wearing three raincoats? Max.” Fashion



“Apparently it’s good to be seen in expensive clothes. But when I went out, everyone just laughed at the price tag dangling from my collar.” Fashion



“I bought a Tee-shirt with a big sad face on the front. I’m hoping that when I stop wearing it, it’ll hang itself” Fashion



“On a fishing trip to Australia, I was terrified when the biggest croc I’d ever seen came floating past the boat. Must have been a size 16 at least.” Fashion



“I used to wear Carbrini clothing…….. Then I got a job.” Fashion



“I always get really frustrated trying to put clothes in my wardrobe. Think I could do with some Hanger Management.” Fashion



“I don’t understand my local Tattoo parlor’s new promotional sign – ‘Ear Piercing While You Wait’. To be fair, I’d rather just nip off to HMV while they get on with it.” Fashion



BBC news: In the trial of Stephen Lawrence the jury were shown the clothes he was wearing on the fateful. A bright blue cardigan, a red polo shirt and a pair of lime green corduroy trousers. He may have been killed by the Fashion police.” Fashion



Don’t blame peer pressure, it makes fat mongs eat less and wear makeup Fashion



“I’m not happy with this new Origami clothing. It always looks creased no matter how carefully I fold it.” Fashion



“Men in Uggs….. Muggs!” Fashion



“Following his performance at the Masters golf today, Ian Pouter said he needs to shoot a round in the 60’s if he’s to have any chance to winning tomorrow. Looking at your dress sense Ian, I think you’re already there.” Fashion



I buy all my genes from Primark. So I too, can be a hard-working young Asian. Fashion



I’m so un-hip, I can’t even get into a club foot. Fashion



“What do Dreadlocks and children have in common? If you play around with them too much they get messed up.” Fashion



“So, there’s been a lot of controversy surrounding clothing chains promoting the latest in pre-teen underwear Fashion lately. That’s why it’s gonna take a pretty brave company to help market my latest super-tight swimming trunks aimed at 10-year-old boys. I’ll call them “Peedos”.” Fashion



“I just bought a new suit and went into the bedroom to see what the wife thought of it She said “ it’s very nice…. Give us a twirl” I said “ Why are you always thinking about chocolate you fat cow, we’ve just had our dinner!” Fashion



“Fashion designer John Galliano was devastated to be sacked from Christian Dior. He is said to be much happier today after getting a new job making fancy dress outfits for Prince Harry and a range of new clothing for Mel Gibson” Fashion



If being a size double 0 is Fashionable, then why don’t we see starving Ethiopians on the catwalk? Fashion



“I went out with some chaps from work last night. I suppose I could have worn normal trousers instead.” Fashion



“I keep seeing these girls with I<3 PB on their bags. What idiots! Tungsten is way better!” Fashion



“I’ve created a perfume out of potatoes. It’s got a crisp scent.” Fashion



“There’s a new trend at school. The girls are coming in with designer bags such as D+G, Valentino, Prada and Gucci. But when I walk in with my “net to” bag I get laughed at.” Fashion



NEWS: Fashion icon dead… Oh no, Timmy Mallet hasn’t croaked it has he?” Fashion



To get the creases out of your clothes, you’ve got to strike while the iron’s hot. Fashion



It has just occurred to me the obvious similarities between Kary Price and Frankenstein’s monster. Both are unnatural attempts at beauty that went horribly wrong, and are now left to wonder aimlessly with a below average intelligence and hated by everyone. Fashion



“I was never the same man again after my best friend died. He left me all of his fancy-dress costumes in his will.” Fashion



Today my Fashion statement is, “I missed a spot shaving.” Fashion



“Skinny Jeans. For guys who took “I got in her pants” the wrong way.” Fashion



“The Daily mail have described Alexander McQueen as ‘the most influential designer of his generation’ Here’s hoping this influence continues and Sarah Jessica Parker, Victoria Beckham and Elton John all follow his lead?” Fashion



Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he “can’t help my kind,” and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Fashion



“I thought I saw a mobile circus today. Turns out it was just a fat bird in a maxi dress.” Fashion



A Kappa tracksuit. The closest you’ll ever get, to two naked women. Fashion



“Going to McDonald’s for a salad? That makes about as much sense as going to a crack-house for vitamins.” Food and Drink



I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, “This milk must be seriously out of date.” Food and Drink



“I walked into a pub and said to the barman, “Stella please mate.” He said, “Are you 18?” I said, “No.” He said, “I can’t serve you then.” As I walked out I thought to myself, “This is the fourth pub – what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?” Food and Drink



NEWS FLASH: Unofficial reports that Pop is dead! The world’s thoughts are with Snap and Crackle at this tough time.” Food and Drink



“I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere. Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.” Food and Drink



“I don’t think I could ever fist someone. I’m pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.” Food and Drink



All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon. Food and Drink



Having just seen half the staff, I now understand why they call it Curry’s. Food and Drink



“I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday. I managed to swap three Oxo cubes for a jar of Bovril.” Food and Drink



“A man walks into a shop and ponders over the confectionery at the counter. He says, “I’ll have a Twirl and a Boost, please.” The shopkeeper gaily spins round, points and says, “Honey, you look fabulous today!” Food and Drink



“My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning. I could tell she’d never made cornflakes before.” Food and Drink



The person who coined the well-known phrase ‘as different as chalk and cheese’ obviously hadn’t tasted Somerfield’s own brand cheddar. Food and Drink



“Dilemma: Do I wash dishes or do I attempt to eat Cornflakes from a cup with a knife?” Food and Drink



“As I sat down to eat my dinner today that UNICEF ad came on the TV. Apparently there are 7 million children ill, starving or dying. I looked down at my plate of Steak, chips, mushrooms and fried onions, I felt a sickness in my stomach… I can’t stand onions!” Food and Drink



“I am a teacher and I took a child’s Innocence today. That’ll teach him to drink smoothies in my lessons.” Food and Drink



I had to ring up the Walkers customer care line earlier as there was a crisp in my pack of ready salted air. Food and Drink



I thought I was going to drown the other day. Fortunately I had a couple of bags of Walkers crisps which helped me float. Food and Drink



“Whenever I eat out at McDonald’s, I like to have a Happy Meal… So I leave the wife and kids at home.” Food and Drink



“I got kicked out of the cinema last night for bringing my own food in with me. I was gutted. Its ages since I’ve had a barbecue.” Food and Drink



“Many people are worrying about the effects of genetically modified crops. “There is no proof of any adverse effects”, said one Carrot.” Food and Drink



“How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.” Food and Drink



“Today, I walked into a restaurant. “Hi, is my table ready?” “No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?” “No, that’s okay.” “Great, take these to table six then.” Food and Drink



“For thousands of years, human beings have milked cows and consumed the milk. It just makes you wonder: who actually discovered that cows could be milked and what was he TRYING to do?” Food and Drink



“Anybody else gonna eat cat food for dinner? I Know Iams.” Food and Drink



“Why is Guinness a racist pint? Because the white always rises to the top.” Food and Drink



“I ordered a Whopper in Burger King the other day and offered a pound for it. “No,” said the girl, “it’s 3.88!” We argued for a few minutes before she gave in. “Fine!” she said. “Have it your way!” Food and Drink



Dear Kings mill confessions, my favourite bread is Warburton’s. Food and Drink



“A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm. “Do you sell fishcakes?” he asks. “Of course,” says the fishmonger. “Oh good,” says the man. “It’s his birthday!” Food and Drink



“What did one Walkers crisp say to another Walkers crisp? Nothing, they were in two separate packets.” Food and Drink



“I can’t help but wonder how Bovril happened. At what point was anyone looking at tea and thinking “This isn’t meaty enough.”?” Food and Drink



I’m red all over. From my head tomatoes. Food and Drink



Warning: Women do not see the funny side if you cook them scrambled eggs in an attempt to cheer them up after they’ve had an abortion. Food and Drink



“They’ve just brought out non-alcoholic Cider… Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s Apple Juice!” Food and Drink



I am thinking of going on the next series of Dragons Den with a toaster actually big enough to take a full slice of bread. Food and Drink



“I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I’m making today and it said: “Pineapples: five cubed.” I’m not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.” Food and Drink



Apparently, 50,000 died from driving last year and 10,000 died from drinking, Yet only 500 died from drink driving. Then again, only 2 people died from drink driving and juggling. I think that’s my safest way home then. Food and Drink



To all the fat ladies out there, remember, stressed is desserts spelt backwards. Food and Drink



“I was eating a Granny Smith earlier. She didn’t seem to know what was happening but at least she was grateful.” Food and Drink



“I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me, “Is that the queue for the punch bowl over there?” So I went over to the queue to find out and was told that it was actually for the buffet and that the punch had all gone. So, as a result, there was no punch line.” Food and Drink



“I ate twenty yoghurts in a row last night. I was mullered.” Food and Drink



Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond. Food and Drink



“I’ve written a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s more of a wrap.” Food and Drink



Life is like a box of chocolates; my wife gets really annoyed when I try to finish hers. Food and Drink



“My friend was saying how he thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever. He obviously hasn’t bit straight into a fresh McDonald’s apple pie.” Food and Drink



“Did you know there’s a McDonald’s opposite the Vatican? It’s disgusting having to look at that horrible place whilst trying to enjoy a Big Mac.” Food and Drink



Carlsberg, I’m hearing a lot of “Ifs” but seeing very little in the way of actual progress. Food and Drink



We are so poor, my wife’s having ordinary K for breakfast. Food and Drink



“I bought some dry roasted peanuts from Tesco. I looked at the packet and it said “Warning. Contains Nuts”. Luckily, this prevented me from eating them and going into anaphylactic shock due to my severe nut allergy. My lactose intolerant friend wasn’t so lucky, as the half pint of milk he bought from Tesco outrageously contained no such warning of its contents.” Food and Drink



“I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…” Food and Drink



“I had the Hiroshima Breakfast this morning. One giant mushroom and loads of burnt soldiers” Food and Drink



“A White Horse walks into a bar. The barman says, “Here, mate, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The horse says, “What, Steve?” Food and Drink



“Smarties are launching special edition packs this summer to commemorate the 5th anniversary of the 7/7 train bombings. There’s a ‘black one’ in every tube.” Food and Drink



“I went to McDonald’s yesterday and asked for a ‘Taste of America’. I was shot.” Food and Drink



“Every new McDonald’s creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.” Food and Drink



“I have discover a great way to solve world hunger and world poverty in one simple step: Feed the poor to the hungry.” Food and Drink



“Kinder Egg Surprise: “WARNING Toy Inside” Yeah, kind of ruined the surprise there…” Food and Drink



“I walked into McDonald’s today and asked for a Chicken Legend. The cashier winked informatively and said “Did you know…that if you cut the head off a chicken…it’ll keep running?” Food and Drink



“The wife served me my dinner last night. I’ve been cleaning mashed potato out the racket strings all morning.” Food and Drink



“I was in the pub with the Mrs. last night and I said, ‘‘I love you.’‘ She said, ‘‘Is that you or the beer talking?’‘ I replied, ‘‘It’s me… talking to the beer!’‘” Food and Drink



Never trust a man who, when left in a room alone with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on. Food and Drink



“Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night. The waiter asked, “Have you ever tried frog?” I said, “I’ve had a Freddo.” Food and Drink



“I went into KFC and asked for a combo. The guy behind the counter gave me two jabs and an uppercut.” Food and Drink



“I rather like having a chicken omelet every now and then. It gives me a strange sort of pleasure knowing I’m eating two generations at the same time.” Food and Drink



“Greggs advert – “All our food is made with love” I know an ice-cream man who went to jail for that.” Food and Drink



“It might be the wine talking… But more likely it’s Dave, the guy I have locked down in my wine cellar.” Food and Drink



“Boiled eggs. Hard to beat aren’t they?” Food and Drink



“The German football player Muller is not too good at shooting. He is better at corners.” Food and Drink



“I was eating a packet of Walker’s crisps the other day: Stephen Fry’s Fry Up flavour. The first crisp tasted just like sausages, the second tasted exactly like eggs with tomato ketchup, but what did the third crisp taste of? Trick question: of course there was no third crisp.” Food and Drink



“I recently bought a bottle of brown sauce which carried the warning ‘Do not use if seal is broken’. As soon as I opened it, the seal broke, immediately rendering it unusable. I was wondering, how many other innocent shoppers, especially pensioners have fallen for this evil scam?” Food and Drink



“My mate asked if I wanted to join his religious sect where they worship a probiotic drink. I said, “I’m not interested in Yakult.” Food and Drink



“Yahoo News “Orange signs iPhone deal with Apple” That has to be the Healthiest headline ever.” Food and Drink



“I’ve been advised to stop eating fish, on medical grounds. Apparently I’m putting off the others in the waiting room.” Food and Drink



“When I got home from work today I asked the wife what she put on my sandwiches “Crab paste, dear,” she replied. “Crab paste?” I replied. “Where did you get that from?” “The Chemist,” she replied.” Food and Drink



I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge – I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute! Food and Drink



Hamburgers – beef does all the work, pork gets all the credit. Food and Drink



“I work as an inspector on these street stalls that sell fruit and veg, and one guy was still selling his fruit in pounds and ounces. “You do realize you have to go metric now” I said. He nodded “Look I’ll overlook it but you have to get these in kilos and grams by the next time I come round” He nodded again. I thought I was being reasonable don’t you? And lo and behold by the time I’d come round again a month later, he still hadn’t bothered to change which just proves it. You give them 2.54cm, they’ll take 0.914m” Food and Drink



“I don’t know what people like so much about Pot Noodles. They’re too dry and crunchy.” Food and Drink



“I just bought some large chips from McDonalds. That should be enough to de-ice my driveway.” Food and Drink



Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea, where ‘Jack Russell Howard’ is expected to be the favourite. Food and Drink



“A man goes into a restaurant and asks, “Waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?” “It’s nothing special,” he replies. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die!” Food and Drink



“I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. “Oh God,” she moaned, “you smell gorgeous. What is it?” “Pies,” I said.” Food and Drink



“Following on from the discovery that it’s possible to go faster than the speed of light, scientists today found a temperature lower than Absolute Zero. It was observed in a sausage roll from Greggs” Food and Drink



My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It’s about thyme. Food and Drink



“I saw a bloke yesterday collecting horse muck, so I asked him what it was for. He said, “I’m putting it on my rhubarb.” “That’s odd”, I replied, “I usually put custard on mine.” Food and Drink



“I always go up to girl in a club and whisper in her ear… “I can touch the bottom of a Pringles can when erect.” God bless snack size pots.” Food and Drink



“Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.” Food and Drink



“I was just eating a packet of crisps and noticed a message on the back: ‘NOT TO BE SOLD SEPARATELY’ who in their right mind would want to buy just one crisp?” Food and Drink



“I rang my wife at work today and said, “Do you fancy going for a few drinks and something to eat after work?” “Yes,” she said, “I would love to.” I said, “Great, will you get a case of lager and three large pizzas, all the lads are coming round to play poker.” Food and Drink



“I don’t understand the huge fuss over Levi Roots’ Reggae sauce. When I worked in McDonald’s, I added my own “jerk seasoning” to the burgers for years.” Food and Drink



“I have just had a bitter row with the missus. She thinks Tetley’s is better than Boddingtons.” Food and Drink



After Heinze’s goal, Nigeria were always playing ketchup… Food and Drink



“I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I’ve got a terrible hangover. That’s the last time I’m drinking whisky.” Food and Drink



“Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!” Food and Drink



“What’s white and can’t climb trees? A Fridge.” Food and Drink



“After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a kebab.” Food and Drink



Boil a live lobster and you’re a chef, boil a live kitten and suddenly it’s a big deal. Food and Drink



“Give an Ethiopian a meal and you feed him for a day…. Give an Ethiopian an aircraft meal and you can feed him for the rest of his life.” Food and Drink



“Tesco Self-Service Checkouts Making shoplifting ‘a mistake’ since 2008.” Food and Drink



“My wife found a lump in her breast earlier. According to the KFC helpline it was probably just a breadcrumb.” Food and Drink



“And what’s the lady having?” asked the waiter, whilst my wife was in the toilet. “I don’t know” I replied. “Probably a wee”.” Food and Drink



“What do you get if you cross an egg and sperm? An omelet you probably shouldn’t eat.” Food and Drink



Whoever decided that a one inch mars bar should be called ‘fun size’ needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment. Food and Drink



When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked. Food and Drink



“I saw a bloke today with a sign that said, “Will Work for Food.” So I gave him a coconut.” Food and Drink



“Hear about the new fast-food restaurant that has opened in Bradford? It’s called Burka King.” Food and Drink



“So Holly Willoughby has named her new baby Belle. Bit cheesy if you ask me.” Food and Drink



“I sell drugs to fat people. It sounds better than, “I work at McDonald’s.” Food and Drink



“A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp. I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluestones.” Food and Drink



“I used to love licking the whisk after Mum made cakes, so I let my kids do the same. Thinking back, I reckon when I was young, my parents must’ve unplugged it first.” Food and Drink



“Shamefully, I have to admit, it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” Food and Drink



“Told the wife to get her glad rags on tonight as I’m taking care of dinner, and I’ve promised her ‘The Ritz’ I’ve never seen anyone get so excited over a box of crackers before.” Food and Drink



When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Food and Drink



“I walked home with a skip in my step today. Accidentally stood on a packet of crisps.” Food and Drink



“I bought a frozen pizza from Asda the other day and it said on the box, “Cook for between 20 and 22 minutes.” Now, I’m not a genius, but isn’t that 21 minutes?” Food and Drink



“Once you go black, you never go back!” I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the bin….. Food and Drink



The McRib is vaguely shaped like a rack of ribs in the same way that people who eat it are vaguely shaped like people Food and Drink



I hear that spam is making a comeback which I’m really pleased about. I’ve been eating it every day of my life, cooked in a pan with a little bit of oil, but just lately I’ve started to wonder……am I frittering my life away? Food and Drink



“So Africans have to walk 15 miles every day just for a bucket of water. I always wondered how they managed to stay thin.” Food and Drink



I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic. Food and Drink



So Ramadan’s come round again. It must be a nightmare for all those Asians, resisting the temptation to eat all day, especially as they all work in McDonald’s. Food and Drink



“I saw a sign in McDonald’s saying, “There’s more to working at McDonald’s than flipping burgers.” At first I was skeptical, but as I returned to my car I saw a man dressed in a jacket that proudly displayed the words, “Litter patrol”. How wrong I was.” Food and Drink



“In the budget a new tax was announced on hot food, which is defined as food that is significantly above room temperature. Thankfully this doesn’t affect me as I always have a sausage roll from Greggs for lunch.” Food and Drink



“The Doctor called me in to check out my digestive system, so I walked into his office with a cup of tea in my hand and told him, “You just dip it into the tea and take a bite, then repeat until they’re all gone.” Food and Drink



Do Korean restaurants serve “German Shepherd’s Pie”? Food and Drink



“I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is Life on Mars.” Food and Drink



“The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.” Food and Drink



If ignorance is bliss, why are McDonald’s staff never happy? Food and Drink



“At Pizza Express, you can now get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a pizza?” Food and Drink



“My girlfriend bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of vermicelli. You should’ve seen her face as I drove pasta.” Food and Drink



KFC: Served in buckets, eaten by spades. Food and Drink



“American food giant buys Cadburys. This isn’t in the financial news. Just an observation on a normal day for an American tourist.” Food and Drink



Shouldn’t a quarter pounder only be 25p? Food and Drink



“I never buy my food from Tesco. Instead, I choose to support smaller businesses. Like Tesco Express.” Food and Drink



Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye. I am now parsley sighted. Food and Drink



“Funny how fruit imitates life. When a banana is bad, smelly and no use to anyone it turns black.” Food and Drink



“What’s worse than finding a hair in your food? Finding a dreadlock in your Reggae Reggae sauce.” Food and Drink



“Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. And eyes and ears and mouth and nose. Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. A fun children’s song, and also the ingredients of a Big Mac.” Food and Drink



“Cheese has holes. The more cheese you have, the more holes you have. The more holes you have, the less cheese you have. Conclusion: The more cheese you have, the less cheese you have.” Food and Drink



NEVER mess with a layered dessert made of custard, fruit, sponge cake, fruit juice and whipped cream. It is not something to be trifled with.” Food and Drink



“Why are some women like oysters? Because it usually takes a knife to get into them” Food and Drink



“I was going to post a Joke about cheddar and Edam… …but it was two cheesy.” Food and Drink



“Revels. A game of “Russian Roulette” if you’ve got a nut allergy.” Food and Drink



“I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.” Food and Drink



“Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of Muesli? He was dragged under by a strong current.” Food and Drink



“Just seen a billboard poster proclaiming that Hovis has been voted “Britain’s softest White”. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Ricky Hatton?” Food and Drink



“This tastes burnt!” I grimaced as I put my fork down in disgust. “That’s not burnt, its caramelized.” insisted my wife. “It’s supposed to be a salad.” Food and Drink



I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.” Food and Drink



My friends don’t understand why I’ve given up boozing. I’ve told them it’s because I want to feel more motivated. I mean, Hitler was teetotal and look at what he achieved. Food and Drink



“I bought a ‘‘Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine’‘ to lose weight. I put on five stone. I blame the delicious gravy it makes.” Food and Drink



“I now realize why it’s not ideal to eat ice cream while using a laptop. I was talking to my sister online and she asked me why I was typing so slowly, so I replied, ‘well my other hands busy; She hasn’t replied yet.” Food and Drink



“Welcome to the church of vegetables Lettuce pray.” Food and Drink



“My best friend would have been competing in the Olympic Games but he tested positive for two types of steroids and a synthetic growth hormone. It’s his own fault really, I did tell him to stop eating burgers from McDonald’s.” Food and Drink



Just looked at the label on a packet of ham i bought, it read '70% water'. Surely then its ham flavoured water. Food and Drink



“I’ve been drunk driving for years now and have never been pulled over. In fact cars tend to get out of my way. I love working in my ambulance.” Food and Drink



“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.” Food and Drink



“As I opened the second bottle of brandy I started to think seriously about what I was doing to my liver. Then I realized I was frying it with onions.” Food and Drink



“I asked my local butcher if his lamb was any good. He said I’d never get better. He was right. I’ve contracted amebic dysentery and life threatening toxoplasmosis.” Food and Drink



Have you ever stopped to think who actually tries dog food to know it has a “newly improved flavour”? Food and Drink



“I got myself a recipe book for road kill. I tried one of the recipes and surprisingly it was quite delicious. It didn’t explain what to do with his bike though.” Food and Drink



“What’s the difference between The Royal Family and my breakfast? My breakfast is full English.” Food and Drink



"I don't understand how there can be a cereal called Shredded Wheat that is advertised on the box as being '100% whole wheat'. Surely either it's shredded or it's whole?" Food and Drink



“An Englishman walks into a McDonald’s restaurant in New York. The spotty kid behind the counter says, “We serve breakfast at any time sir.” To which the Englishman replies, “I’ll have the French toast during the Renaissance then fatty.” Food and Drink



“A policeman stopped me in the street for “Acting suspiciously”. He sneered “What seems to be the rush, Sir?” I said “I’ve got to get home. I’ve got a bone on.” He slapped me in handcuffs, read my rights and arrested me for indecent behaviour. I’m not going to sue, but when I got home from the station the next morning the saucepan was welded to the cooker and my chicken stock was ruined.” Food and Drink



Beans, alphabet spaghetti for the blind. Food and Drink



“I can’t believe how easy it is to offend black people. I mean, who DOESN’T love fried chicken and watermelon?” Food and Drink



“What’s white and kills children? Chinese milk.” Food and Drink



“Have it your way” is the Burger King Slogan, Apparently doggy style with the lady on checkout was the wrong interpretation of this.” Food and Drink



“I tried one of those cereal bars this morning. What a rip off – they were charging 4.50 for a pint of Frostiest.” Food and Drink



“I’m taking back this bag of M&M’s I just bought as they appear to be faulty. Half of them are W’s.” Food and Drink



“I went to a McDonald’s drive through this morning. I killed 6 and seriously injured a dozen. How was I supposed to know you’re meant to drive around the restaurant and not through it?” Food and Drink



We had an African themed lunch at school today… so nothing at all. Food and Drink



This foil wrapped bread is a con. It says it lasts for seven days. I ate mine in two. Food and Drink



Death row prisoners…. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut. Food and Drink



I went to Port-au Prince McDonald’s the other day and ordered a large shake and look what happened! Food and Drink



“A cripple, an amputee and a burn victim walk into a bar. And I walk out laughing.” Food and Drink



“I got a job at Cadbury’s and was told I could eat as much chocolate as I wanted for free. Yes guys, I’m living the American dream.” Food and Drink



The trouble with all day breakfast is you have to eat it so slowly. Food and Drink



“My girlfriend put her hair in a bun this morning. She’s got some weird eating habits.” Food and Drink



“Whole meal bread. I can’t see this catching on. You need some meat and vegetables and stuff really.” Food and Drink



If we’re not supposed to have late night snacks. Why is there a light in the fridge? Food and Drink



“I tried to cook an octopus last night … after eight hours I gave up … It just kept on switching the gas off” Food and Drink



“Health experts say red meat is the worst for your Health. Surely not as bad as furry green meat.” Food and Drink



“Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll hoover up all the cod stocks in the Atlantic and drive blue fin tuna to the edge of extinction.” Food and Drink



“My Australian friend, learning about the Scottish culture, asked me for my idea of the perfect Scottish breakfast. “A bottle of whisky, a haggis and a collie dog” I replied “Why the collie?” “To eat the haggis…” Food and Drink



“In the supermarket earlier, a group of lads started throwing chocolate, biscuits and cakes at me. It was all very unsavoury.” Food and Drink



“What do call a chip pan in Glasgow containing no chips? Soup.” Food and Drink



"Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table. So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:- That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them" Food and Drink



Lurpak ‘Spreadable.’ About as spreadable as nuns’ legs! Food and Drink



“What is red and invisible? No Tomatoes” Food and Drink



Personally, I fail to see the ‘fun’ part of having 90 pringles in a tin. Food and Drink



“I bought Pringles ‘cause the advert said it had 90 chips in the can. Liars! It was full of crisps! What a waste of gravy…” Food and Drink



I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” Food and Drink



“I was having dinner in a restaurant when the waiter said, “Can I get your bill, sir?” I said, “Are you sure that you can afford it?” Food and Drink



“I know drink driving is wrong, but sometimes I’ve just got to do it. How else will the kids get to school?” Food and Drink



“How did you find your steak sir?” The waiter asked “Easy, I just lifted up a chip and there it was………………..” Food and Drink



“I went into a cafe today and they were selling all day breakfasts. They looked great, but I couldn’t spare that much time.” Food and Drink



“I saw this episode of Ray Mears survival, where he spit-roasted a pig down the woods. Ah. That takes me back.” Food and Drink



I was in Sunderland the other day and went to a quiet back street restaurant that served lovely sushi at a tenth of the price that they do in London. I asked them how they could afford to sell it so cheap and the manager said that prices would rise back to normal as soon as they could fix the deep fat fryer. Food and Drink



Old Milk? More like fresh Yogurt. Food and Drink



Meat eaters, cure your vegetarian friends by pledging to triple your own meat consumption for the duration of their abstinence. If they really love animals, they’ll have no choice but to start eating burgers again. Food and Drink



The KFC Family bucket must be huge in Norwich. Food and Drink



My mates called me last night asking if I wanted to go over, have a few beers, play on the PS3 and smoke a few joints. Sounded like a good idea so I grabbed my keys, got a few joints ready then drove over there. We had a few beers then went out to his shed to smoke. After a while the smoke was thick, the place stank and we couldn’t stop coughing so we called it a night. Was well worth the effort though, this ham is amazing. Food and Drink



“Delia Smith once said there is nothing worse than a soggy soufflé. As a diabetic throat cancer patient I wouldn’t know, but it certainly sounds awful.” Food and Drink



“Took my wife for a romantic dinner the other night. As we were tucking into it, 6 mentally handicapped people appeared from nowhere and started to sing various lines from well-known songs. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, until i saw a notice at the bottom of the menu, saying ‘ all dishes accompanied by a medley of vegetables’” Food and Drink



“When we were first married my wife asked me how I liked my steak and I replied ‘rare’. I think she misunderstood, that was eight years ago and she’s only ever cooked steak twice since.” Food and Drink



Never cook burgers naked… They’ll take away your van. Food and Drink



“What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese.” Food and Drink



I’m on the Wonga diet. I’ve lost 50 pounds already. Food and Drink



“A good woman is like a good loaf of bread she should have a bouncy body, not taste too yeasty and preferably she should be white.” Food and Drink



“Joe leaves his house at 3.50 am, with 17.60 in his pocket. He arrives at the all-night garage at 3.57 am, and buys the following; 8 Kit-Kats, at 40 pence each 2 tubes of Pringles, at 1.65 each

3 Pepperami Fire sticks, at 70 pence each 2 Litre bottles of Ginger Ale, at 1.19 each Now; before he left his house, how many joints did Joe smoke?” Food and Drink



I was at work today, and this really cute old man gave me a 2 tip for helping him pack his bags, telling me to “Buy myself a drink.” I was genuinely touched by the gesture, and I was quite lost for words for a moment, before I finally came out with, “I drink Carling mate, that’s 2:50, cough up.” Food and Drink



“The wife trained the dog yesterday not to beg for food at the dinner table. She gave it some.” Food and Drink



“I just saw a van drive by with the company name “Seafood Solutions” I have to admit, I didn’t know that seafood was a problem.” Food and Drink



“How do you know when you have no life? When you read the Jokes on the back of penguin bars and find them partially funny.” Food and Drink



“Went to a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said “be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity “ so I left without paying.” Food and Drink



“My girlfriend is like a Happy Meal. Small, cheap and greasy.” Food and Drink



“I thought I’d found a secret message in my cereal this morning. It said ‘Ooooo’ apparently they were cheerios.” Food and Drink



“What do Americans fear more than the 9/11 bombings? Salad.” Food and Drink



“My grandfather can cook a smashing curry, mind you he sees himself as an authority on curry due to where he was stationed in the war. Bradford.” Food and Drink



“What do you call someone who’s scared of KFC? A chicken.” Food and Drink



“My wife put a gun to my head and said, ‘‘Do you love me?’‘ ‘‘Depends, what’s for dinner?’‘ I said. ‘‘There’s a gun to your head and all you care about is dinner!’‘ she said angrily. ‘‘Yes!’‘ I replied, ‘‘With your cooking I might just want you to pull the trigger!’‘” Food and Drink



“I had a dream the other day. I was eating a biscuit. It was rectangular with rounded edges and coated with sugar. It was Nice.” Food and Drink



“I bought a bed today that’s made entirely out of rice. The mattress is okay but the pilaus are really uncomfortable.” Food and Drink



I got myself a bargain bucket from the Colonel the other day, decided to eat it while travelling down the M4, I’m starting to regret throwing the bones out of the window though. Food and Drink



“I was in a trial for experimental flavours of crisps. Taste’s A, B, C and D were horrible. But the next one I tried was tasty.” Food and Drink



“McDonald’s have brought out a new drug-filled burger. It’s called the McJagger.” Food and Drink



McDonald’s has released a statement saying that there sponsorship of the London 2012 Olympics won’t harm the integrity of the games, but lane 5 and 6 will be closed off due to a children’s party. Food and Drink



I wonder if the first person to pop a can of Pringles has stopped yet… Food and Drink



“A mate told me a Joke about Pringle flavours. It wasn’t original.” Food and Drink



“I’ve just been laid off from the cake factory due to the credit crunch. Hundreds and Thousands are at risk!” Food and Drink



I’m making loads more money since I turned my bait shop into a sushi restaurant. Food and Drink



“I could do with a fizzy drink. I’ve been drinking lemonade for 5 days flat.” Food and Drink



“I bought a packet of Asda own brand sausages the other day. On the side of the packet it said ‘warning, may contain traces of meat.’” Food and Drink



"I've been preparing for this date for hours- dressing in my smartest clothes, combing my hair... I don't know why I've made it such a big deal really, It's just a fruit." Food and Drink



Alcopops and milk make a bowl full of sick. Food and Drink



Muesli: because you’re that old you can’t taste anything anyway. Food and Drink



My fruit flavoured dairy beverage attracts all the males to the garden and they exclaim that the fruit flavoured beverages I procure are far superior to ones they have sampled elsewhere, I would show you the method to make such a fruit flavoured beverage but unfortunately I would have to levy a fee in order to do so Food and Drink



You know what they say about men with big hands… They find it hard to eat pringles Food and Drink



“Went to a Norwegian restaurant I ate like a Norse” Food and Drink



“I love how we confuse foreigners by calling so many of our foods puddings. Yorkshire pudding, Christmas pudding, black pudding. They can’t tell if they’re biting into a delicious sweet dessert, or a lump of congealed animal blood.” Food and Drink



“Eating carrots make you see in the dark. Masturbating sends you blind. Do both and it’s like you’re always wearing night vision goggles.” Food and Drink



I’ve decided to become a boat builder. I just put a kitten, egg whites and sugar into a blender. Going to make a cater meringue. Food and Drink



“I hit the drink again last night. It spilt everywhere, the wife was furious!” Food and Drink



If packaging manufacturers are trying to be environmentally friendly, then why is it that crisp packets are only ever half full? Food and Drink



“Alphabetic Spaghetti not geeky enough? Simply mix regular tinned Spaghetti and Hoops together for exciting Binary Spaghetti.” Food and Drink



“Organ Doner: The worst Kebab I’ve ever had!” Food and Drink



Halumi – the only cheese that greets itself in the third person. Food and Drink



“I’ve just paid 200 for a skip. I thought to myself, that’s an expensive crisp.” Food and Drink



“I just finished my degree in Aerodynamics those chocolate bars take far more effort to make than people think.” Food and Drink



I’d probably quit Oasis too if the slogan for my band was “for people who don’t like water.” Food and Drink



“I’ve always wondered… what was the best thing before sliced bread? Surely a bread knife?!?!?” Food and Drink



“Who Conquered America? McDonald’s” Food and Drink



I was on my lunch yesterday when I suddenly thought, I have just squashed my sandwiches. Food and Drink



“My wife asked me what I thought about her breast reduction. “Why can’t we just have normal gravy instead of this Hesston Blumenthal stuff?” Food and Drink



“What has no beginning, no end and nothing in the middle? A doughnut” Food and Drink



“I run a restaurant and I’ve been trying to get a company in to do a flavour audit. But apparently there’s no accounting for taste.” Food and Drink



“Fresh juicy strawberries that you stick in your ears. Thick creamy ice cream, dribbling down your chin. Freshly baked biscuits, in your hair and under your wheelchair. This isn’t just food, this is M.S food.” Food and Drink



“I bought a bag of those ‘builder’s breakfast’ crisps today. It struck me that I could taste eggs, bacon and sausages, seeing as most builders these days eat Przepraszamdlaczego.” Food and Drink



I’ve just realized that tofu is over-rated, it’s just a curd to me. Food and Drink



“When I’m sad I like to cut myself… …a nice slice of chocolate cake.” Food and Drink



“Walker’s crisps are really missing out on the chance for a great trick with their latest “What’s the flavour?” commercials. If it was me, I’d have told that Muslim woman it was bacon flavour.” Food and Drink



“I was walking through the local shopping centre when a guy from N-Power stopped me and asked where I get my energy from? I don’t think “Lucozade” was the answer he was looking for!!” Food and Drink



“Hey Vegetarians! For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three.” Food and Drink



“Eddie Izzard makes the papers for completing 43 Marathons in 51 days. I’ve eaten a Kit-Kat every day for the last 4 years, but do I get any recognition?” Food and Drink



“McDonald’s. Widening their customer base since 1955.” Food and Drink



“I complained to the waiter, “Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.” The waiter replied, “that could very well be, Sir, the cook used to be a tailor….” Food and Drink



Why it is okay to get your girlfriend make-up for her birthday, but Slim fast is a definite no-no? Food and Drink



Is Uncle Ben married to Aunt Bessie? Food and Drink



“The Government is to introduce compulsory microchips for all dogs in England. Morons. My Rover only likes Pedigree Chum.” Food and Drink



I’m not fat, I’m just ready for the winter. Food and Drink



“My life sucks, everyone I know is either getting, a promotion, a pay rise or laid. I’m getting a coffee and it’s not even for Me.” Food and Drink



“Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses? No wonder they’re delicious.” Food and Drink



“I was driving down the motorway the other day and saw one of those ‘Tiredness can kill, Take a break’ signs. Steady on Kit Kat… what’s with the public death threats?” Food and Drink



To me fish counters at supermarkets are just colder, sadder aquariums. Food and Drink



“I went to buy a 99 from the ice-cream van this afternoon, upon arrival I realized I was 30p short, so asked Mr. Whippy for a 69. It didn’t taste of vanilla.” Food and Drink



If a tomato is a fruit does that mean ketchup is a smoothie? Food and Drink



“I like co-operative onion rings, they come out of the packet if you ask them nicely.” Food and Drink



“After a hearty meal I still had half a sandwich left on my plate, “Do you want a box for that?” the waitress asked. “No”, I replied, “but I’ll wrestle you for a cup of coffee.” Food and Drink



I love Chinese food, their chips are great. Food and Drink



“My wife wasn’t impressed when I skipped breakfast this morning. It was a string of sausages.” Food and Drink



“I’m about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though.” Food and Drink



“Cheese-milk’s leap towards immortality.” Food and Drink



I like to break the rules, I’m the sort of guy who snaps his Kit-Kat in half horizontally rather than vertically. Food and Drink



“I saw some woman breast feeding her baby in KFC today. She even give him a few pieces of the popcorn chicken from the mega bucket.” Food and Drink



“I couldn’t finish all my food so the waitress asked me, “Excuse me sir, do you wanna box for that?” “No, but I’ll arm-wrestle you for it.” I replied” Food and Drink



“I had a panic in the kitchen the other day: “We’re getting very low on herbs and thyme is running out”.” Food and Drink



“I just got back from a party at my friend Jamal’s place. I felt a bit ill-at-ease being the only white guy there, but on the plus side the food was delicious, especially the fried chicken. Everyone at the party had a piece. As I found out to my dismay when they realized I’d eaten all the fried chicken.” Food and Drink



I’m so conservative, when I go to KFC, I only order the right wings. Food and Drink



“Last night, my wife asked me to put the dinner on. I’m now recovering in a burns unit covered in lasagna.” Food and Drink



“Cakes———————99p. Upside down cakes————-66p” Food and Drink



“Carlsberg do make beers… Shame.” Food and Drink



“I have just had the most amazing night. This American girl I met just couldn’t wait to get her mouth around my sausage. She finished it off in one minute flat, then kept coming back for more! This went on for two hours! Mind you, I do work on a hotdog stand.” Food and Drink



“London 2012 Olympic; promoting Healthy living by being sponsored by McDonald’s, Coca Cola and Cadbury’s Welcome to England everybody.” Food and Drink



“I can really taste my food since giving up smoking. So I’ve decided to divorce my wife.” Food and Drink



“I used to eat in my local McDonald’s all the time, but not so much anymore, not since the time I went to use their bathroom, and I saw a sign that said: ‘Employees Must Wash Hands, Especially Carl.’” Food and Drink



“I can’t stop drinking peach archers and lemonade. Think I’d better schnapp out of It.” Food and Drink



I know it’s traditional to throw rice at weddings but I was walking past an Indian do in Bradford at the weekend so I chucked half rice half chips. Food and Drink



Eating fast food every day may shorten your life but it still works out for the best because you save so much time on preparation. Food and Drink



“When will greengrocers stop referring to ‘New Potatoes’? They’ve been out for years now, so isn’t it about time they just called them potatoes?” Food and Drink



Warburton’s are bringing out their own range of crisps. The first flavour to hit the shelves will be ‘Smokey Bakery’. Food and Drink



“They’re not blueberries. They’re peas holding their breath.” Food and Drink



“Doritos Bigger Bag” That’s nice and all, but maybe put some more crisps in there, too?” Food and Drink



All that money Stella must make selling beer, you would think that they could afford a dictionary to check the spelling of cider Food and Drink



“My Bachelors lifestyle is getting boring. Cup-a-Soup is all I know how to make.” Food and Drink



“I think I might have undercooked my bagel. It’s cold in the middle.” Food and Drink



I’ve had so much coffee that I got halfway to work this morning before I realized I forgot my car. Food and Drink



“I’ve just had an Irish coffee. Tea.” Food and Drink



“I looked at an item of food the other day to look at the ingredients. I looked on the bottom and it said “Do not turn container upside down.” Bit too late for that.” Food and Drink



“Mexican Food: It’s all the same just folded differently.” Food and Drink



BBC Sport: Liverpool Ponder Chinese Takeover. I can sympathize, the decision between a Chinese or an Indian is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” Food and Drink



“I fancied some tea the other day. Boy, it sure is difficult to walk through Tesco with a hard on.” Food and Drink



“When I was younger, I use to spit, but now I swallow. It’s funny how you get used to Brussels sprouts” Food and Drink



There’s no popcorn in Popcorn Chicken so don’t even bother with the hash browns Food and Drink



“My girlfriend said baked potatoes would be Healthier for me than cakes. We’ll see. I’m just icing the potato now.” Food and Drink



I could tell it had no artificial flavours or colours in it on account of it having no colour… and no flavour Food and Drink



If you can’t beat em, just have your eggs fried? Food and Drink



Friends are like bananas, once you peel and eat them, they die. Food and Drink



“Thanks to Weight Watchers, I have lost 50 pounds in a week! Now I just have to start losing weight.” Food and Drink



“Dear Captain Birdseye, Your Chicken Curry is really nice; when will you be putting Chicken in it? Regards.” Food and Drink



“Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut, Terry’s Chocolate Orange, Strawberry Cheese Cake, Lemon Sherberts and Onion Rings. Americans just love getting their 5 a day.” Food and Drink



“I had a Picnic with the wife and kids earlier. Times are hard when you have to share a chocolate bar between five people.” Food and Drink



“My wife’s affair is driving me to drink. Her boyfriend is giving me a lift to the pub.” Food and Drink



“We had an Indian take-away delivered last night, now the fridge stinks of curry. I guess we should dump the body before they start looking for their driver.” Food and Drink



“I’ll have a ham and anchovy pizza, please, but go easy on the anchovies.” “I’m sorry, sir. Our anchovies are already dead.” Food and Drink



“Just ate a tank of helium. That didn’t go down well.” Food and Drink



“I bet the wife that she couldn’t make herself some underwear out of sweets. Fair play though, she’s worked out a way to do it… Smartie pants.” Food and Drink



“I got so drunk last night that someone put me in the recovery position. This morning I woke up on the back of an R.A.C. Truck.” Food and Drink



“What’s Tarte Au Citron? It’s A Bit like a Slag in a Renault” Food and Drink



“I ate a broken record for lunch. Now it’s repeating on me.” Food and Drink



After causing some offence in the office, I’m going to think twice before I describe snacking on an apple as “eating my Granny out”. Food and Drink



“I don’t eat Indian food anymore. I just chuck a tenner down the toilet. It cuts out the middle man.” Food and Drink



Smuggling sweets into the cinema; almost as British as a cup of tea. Food and Drink



BBC News: “A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened.” Now I’ve had some forgetful nights… but being shot in the head! I don’t care what you say about those Poles, they sure know how to drink!” Food and Drink



“Lenny Henry’s ex-wife has admitted to “a couple of nibbles” on the dating scene. I very much doubt Dawn French ever has only “ a couple of nibbles” of anything…” Food and Drink



“Where does Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil come from? Really ugly olives” Food and Drink



“I just bought a dark chocolate Mars bar, It helps you rest and play.” Food and Drink



“I’ve just bought a flat that overlooks a frozen food factory. I’ve got a Bird’s eye view of it.” Food and Drink



When I search Sickipedia, it tells me Rhubarb took 12ms to do a search and display the result. How times change – when I was 8, he used to spend all night working in his shed to discover the solution and share it with Custard the Cat. Food and Drink



Subway employees are just filling a role Food and Drink



“When I am bored, I like to ring up Curry’s and ask if they deliver. When they say “yes”, I like to respond with “Well, I’ll have a Lamb Balti with a Keema Naan, and the Missus will have a Chicken Korma”.” Food and Drink



“I’m gutted I got kicked out of my local cinema for taking my own food. It’s been ages since I had a BBQ.” Food and Drink



Dessert puns…I used to have hundreds and thousands of ‘em Food and Drink



Found part of a child’s body in a skip… walkers will put anything into their bags of crisps these days. Food and Drink



“I remember when my Dad caught me with some salmon. He made me smoke the whole packet.” Food and Drink



“I just started dating a vegan. I’ll go for anyone with a Pulse.” Food and Drink



“Lurpack Spreadable Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate.” Food and Drink



“I’m slightly confused… What happens if you like water and Oasis?” Food and Drink



You know you’ve had a good curry when it’s spicier coming out than it was going in… Food and Drink



“I told this guy I drunk 20 cups of coffee every day and he asked me how I sleep at night. I replied, “Easy, it’s Fairtrade” Food and Drink



“Went to a French restaurant last night and ordered Snails Waiter said they are on their way sir I said oh, well I’ll have something else then” Food and Drink



“I just bought some Armageddon Cola. The packet says – Best before end.” Food and Drink



“I really like green olives but I’m not a big fan of black olives. For some reason, they just don’t work for me.” Food and Drink



“The lonely woman’s shopping list Wine. Ice Cream. Batteries.” Food and Drink



“I went to a cafe and ordered a cup of tea today. The waitress came back with a cup of lukewarm water, a jug of milk, some sugar and a teabag. So when she asked for the money I gave her the ‘situations vacant’ page from the local paper and told her to make her own.” Food and Drink



You know it’s time to sort your life out when you purposely undercook pizzas just so it cheers you up when you get to a warm bit. Food and Drink



“Dad doesn’t earn enough money that’s why mum goes to Iceland” Food and Drink



I gave my wife a good kicking after drinking 12 pints of Fosters. I felt totally disgusted with myself…. I usually drink Stella Food and Drink



“I’ve got a Arab friend who suffers from Parkinson’s but loves drinking Nesquik. We call him the Milk Sheikh.” Food and Drink



“I’ve been watching a TV series about how fish live their lives…. I’m totally hooked.” Food and Drink



“It makes me sick how children get so excited about fast food. I’ve just seen 2 young boys burst through the door of KFC and run to the counter to order food. However, a gun seemed a funny method of payment.” Food and Drink



“My friends have told me that they’ll stop talking to me unless I stop telling the “Carlsberg don’t do…” Jokes from Sickipedia. I guess you know who your mate’s are.” Food and Drink



“My mum says you are what you eat” “So if you eat runner beans you’ll become a runner” “And if you eat… what’s this then?” “Cabbage, dear” Food and Drink



“Q: What do you call two Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads? A: Double Cheese Burkha. Q: What do you call two smelly Muslim women with slices of cheddar on their heads? A Double Cheese Burkha with Flies.” Food and Drink



“I’ve created a recipe for ‘herb bread’ which makes a 9” baguette. I call it Dill dough.” Food and Drink



I can almost picture it perfectly… A young girl holding a can of Dr. Pepper, when her friend turns round and says, ‘go on Rebecca, post your video on YouTube, what’s the worst that could happen?’ Food and Drink



“Sat next to my wife, I slowly took out my fingers and they gave off a strong, fishy smell. I’m writing my letter of complaint to Cadbury as we speak.” Food and Drink



“Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off. Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.” Food and Drink



“I was shocked today to find my first grey pubic hair. It was in my Big Mac meal.” Food and Drink



“What do you call a German baked bean? Heinz.” Food and Drink



“Walked into a cafe the other day and ordered Sausage on toast. The little old lady behind the counted asked “what do you like on you sausage?” I replied “Lipstick” Food and Drink



“To celebrate 250 year of Guinness, the 24th of September is going to be called “Arthur Guinness Day.” I think I would prefer a whole pint.” Food and Drink



“Apparently, you’re supposed to eat five fruit or veg a day to stay reasonably Healthy. A girl I use to know did just that. The only problem was the oranges were made by Terry’s” Food and Drink



“Advantages of working in a bakery: – the delicious atmosphere – never going hungry – finding that hand-kneading dough is a good way to clean your fingernails.” Food and Drink



“A bloke came up to me in the street and asked if I had any Red Leicester. I apologized and said I only had Swiss cheese. He went emmental.” Food and Drink



“My new job is a breath of fresh air. I’m responsible for filling the packs of Walker’s crisps.” Food and Drink



“Dinner at my mate’s house was ruined by the amount of dandruff falling from his head. There was also far too much Parmesan on my spaghetti.” Food and Drink



“A teaspoon of mince, 3 kidney beans and 5 grains of rice. My mum made a mean chilli con carne.” Food and Drink



“What Is The Difference Between A Muslim And A Kebab…? I like Kebabs.” Food and Drink



“What do pancakes and people have in common? If they’re black, they’re failed.” Food and Drink



“When I realized the coffee wasn’t working to keep me awake, I turned to speed. Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes.” Food and Drink



I was opening the jar and then … JAM! Food and Drink



“I was standing in the pub last night when the barman said, “Johnny, that’s your wife on the phone. She said if you aren’t home in ten minutes, your dinner’s going in the bin.” I replied, “Thank her for cutting out the middle man.” Food and Drink



I love bacon so much, when I eat it I get a lardon. Food and Drink



If time is money then instant coffee should be free. Food and Drink



“The missus said we should try Subway at lunch time. It makes sense, it’s a lot safer than crossing a busy road.” Food and Drink



“Sickipedia don’t do lager. But if they did it would probably be the cheapest, nastiest lager in the world.” Food and Drink



“I get so turned on watching my wife make cheese on toast. I love a bit of girl on grill action.” Food and Drink



“Two yanks in a Glasgow cafe, one asks for two horse steaks. The waitress says “ we don`t eat horse over here.” The yank says “so how come that guy over there ordered mare soup?” Food and Drink



“Bloke walks into a pub with a fried egg on his head. Barman says, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?” Bloke replies, “Coz, boiled eggs fall off.” Food and Drink



“I took my six year old boy swimming today. I left his armbands at home and naturally he started to worry that he might sink to the bottom of the pool. Disaster averted though, I ran to the vending machine and bought two bags of Walkers crisps and tied them to his arms.” Food and Drink



“It makes such a lovely change when you do the cooking” said my wife, tucking in to her dinner tonight. “Why, because it’s edible?” I replied.” Food and Drink



“We bread our chicken with the same utensils you use to eat it” KFC proudly proclaim in their most recent magazine ad. Well their last ad suggested they’ve been licking their fingers so I’m sticking with Burger King.” Food and Drink



“I just saw the KFC commercial where a man is surrounded by blacks, and looks scared. To put them in a good mood, he pulls out a bucket of fried chicken. I see that whoever directs KFC commercials is a Sickipedia.” Food and Drink



“Because of the heat this summer, I’ve got a lot of bites on my legs… Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.” Food and Drink



I ate a whole bag a fortune cookies last night, so today’s been kind of crazy. Food and Drink



“My History teacher asked me who the Great Train Robbers are. He wasn’t happy when I replied “National Rail – 3 pound 50 for a cheese sandwich” Food and Drink



Walkers Crisps: Now with 50% less fat! ... Does this mean they've reduced the contents to just 1 Food and Drink



“Just launched in Korea, a new instant snack. Pot Poodle!!” Food and Drink



This new Magner’s is as good as drugs….There’s Methadone in the Magner’s. Food and Drink



I went out for a meal last night and ordered everything in French. I surprised everyone. It was a Chinese Restaurant. Food and Drink



“What do you call a one legged ginger bread man? Limp biscuit.” Food and Drink



“Cadbury should accept Kraft’s takeover bid. Just imagine – a “half and half” bar of Dairy Milk and Dairy lea. Sales dynamite.” Food and Drink



“Saw a Poster in the supermarket today which read, Coco Pops No added colours Oh, so JLS aren’t getting a new member?” Food and Drink



“Someone is having a BBQ 1760 yards from me, I can smell it a mile off.” Food and Drink



Do you think in china they have English people delivering fish and chips to their door via moped? Food and Drink



I work at a chocolate factory, but they don’t like me talking about it. Which is why I have to Wispa. Food and Drink



I’ve spent the past 5 years making a car out of uncooked spaghetti. Yesterday I took it out for a spin and crashed into a lorry full of warm water. Luckily the back of it is fine, but the front is al dente. Food and Drink



Stood outside Tesco with sign saying ‘Help for Heroes’; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street. Food and Drink



Bland salad…. that’s a problem that needs addressing Food and Drink



“What do you call a gun that fires custard? A trifle.” Food and Drink



I was in Burger King earlier and after waiting I noticed that the obese woman on the till had written on her top ‘Too cool for school’ i suppose that’s why she was working at Burger King then. Food and Drink



“Sky news – ‘Tube Bosses Will Axe More Than 400 Jobs’ as long as there isn’t a shortage of Pringles and Smarties, then it’s all good.” Food and Drink



“What would happen if you put the salt shaker in the fridge? Don’t know but it’d be pretty cool.” Food and Drink



“How do you make profiteroles shiny? With choux polish.” Food and Drink



“I had some ice cream the other day that was as hard as a brick. Turns out it was Walls…” Food and Drink



“A study has found that Mothers have now started to drink breast milk. Looks like the cows want it back” Food and Drink



“I’ve just asked my mate to come to KFC with me later. I need a wing man” Food and Drink



“What’s Jack the Ripper’s favourite yoghurt? Frubes – He likes to rip their heads of and suck their guts out” Food and Drink



“My girlfriend is having ‘women’s problems’. She can’t get her soufflés to rise.” Food and Drink



I see that you liked your first chin so much you decided to add another. Food and Drink



My idea of the perfect date is a woman who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant. Food and Drink



Chinese restaurants: Try and cheer your customers up by putting the bill for their meal inside a fortune cookie. Food and Drink



“What’s green and smells of bacon? Out of date bacon.” Food and Drink



“Learning about food poisoning in France. C’est difficile.” Food and Drink



“I didn’t realize that you could hire skips. I don’t understand how you get them back in the bag once you’ve eaten them, though?” Food and Drink



“Carling: Win your perfect pint! So that’ll be anything except Carling please” Food and Drink



“So Starbucks have released a However-you-want-it Frappuccino, where you create your own Frappuccino just the way you want it. How about cheaper?” Food and Drink



“According to McDonald’s, they spend 16,000 hours a day training their staff. And then they move on to the second half of the alphabet” Food and Drink



“How many cows can you fit in a bathtub? Just one, my wife.” Food and Drink



“I always talk to my food before I eat it. It’s the only way I can be sure it will agree with me.” Food and Drink



“I walked out of my local take-away today and there was a charity worker outside giving out leaflets on how to donate items to the Haiti survivors. She asked me, “Can you spare a few tins of food for the starving people of Haiti?” “No. And I’m not even going to finish this kebab”.” Food and Drink



“Sky News: Polish Woman Jailed After Baby Choked On Frankfurter. This really is just too easy.” Food and Drink



“Why do French people drink loads of wine? It’s the closest they’re ever going to get to a ‘win’.” Food and Drink



“I’ve just had a can of E150, Sweeteners (Aspartame, Acesulfame K), Phosphoric Acid, and Flavorings (Including caffeine), and Preservative (Sodium Benzoate) Citric Acid containing a source of Phenylalanine…. Or Pepsi as some people call it.” Food and Drink



After spending over 20 years without ever seeing a Paik gravestone I’ve finally realized where donner meat comes from. Food and Drink



“Just been watching that advert on TV for Patak’s curry sauces… “Patak’s…. The reason Britain loves curry” Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Lager the reason Britain loves curry?” Food and Drink



“The new McDonalds ad is asking us to get in to the festive spirit this Christmas by buying a chicken burger and a glorified pop tart. Yeah they have really got this Christmas thing spot on.” Food and Drink



Why, when I order a burger, do I get a side-salad, yet when I order a salad, I don’t get a side-burger? Food and Drink



“Anyone cooking asparagus for tea? I’ve got some tips if you’re interested.” Food and Drink



“I’ve just bought some Chicken Tonight, but I’m going to eat it tomorrow. Fight the Power!” Food and Drink



“I had a microwave burger today. Thinking back, beef would have been better.” Food and Drink



I tried to find out if our local Mexican bistro was actually moving the ‘Chilli’ section on its menu, but they’re keeping it under wraps. Food and Drink



“My football team were losing badly after half time, so I decided to bring on some subs. The newspapers said it was the first mid-game picnic they’d ever seen.” Food and Drink



“A few hours after my daughter drank all of my tomato juice, she got her first period. Now I have to decide whether to educate her about periods, or have the whole carton of juice to myself next time.” Food and Drink



“McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants” Food and Drink



“If red bull gives you wings…. Does Brawn now give you springs?” Food and Drink



Why does sour cream have a use by date? Food and Drink



I just got back from the future… are Wagon wheels ever small. Food and Drink



“Did you hear about the Mexican Lesbians? Apparently they don’t put meat in their taco’s” Food and Drink



Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it Food and Drink



“I got chased into an alleyway by a bunch of yoghurts… I was cornered…” Food and Drink



“As I was coming home from the fish n chip shop, I opened the bag to discover my cod was coated in bread crumbs. I can’t believe it’s not batter.” Food and Drink



“Danone Actimel – Just 1 a day will balance out your Healthy bacteria. Try our weekly challenge so why sell them in packs of 6?” Food and Drink



“Daily Mail: “Mr. Average spends 10,585 hours of his life in the pub” Mrs. Average has left a note telling him his dinner is in the dog” Food and Drink



“I had a “Taste of England” meal today. A curry for two from Asda.” Food and Drink



“It’s all gravy baby! This is the worst roast dinner ever.” Food and Drink



“It’s the birthday of my ice cream business today. It’s been a rocky road.” Food and Drink



I prefer to call the alcohol menu at a restaurant a spirit guide. Food and Drink



I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax. Food and Drink



“My Mexican lorry driver friend has got to watch what he eats. He records it on a taco graph.” Food and Drink



“Since splitting up with my wife I’m living a bachelor life! Tomato soup on Monday, Mushroom on Tuesday, Cream of chicken Wednesday,” Food and Drink



“I walked past a specialist African Food Store the other day… It was empty.” Food and Drink



“What came first? Egg fried rice or Chicken fried rice?” Food and Drink



“Dr. Pepper: It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up” Food and Drink



“Carlsberg don’t do police line ups… but Stella do!” Food and Drink



“This last month I have ordered 4 Chinese meals from 4 different Chinese takeaways. Every time they had the same delivery driver. Strange.” Food and Drink



“Went back to this chick’s place last night, soon after I was slinging the sausage down the corridor. In retrospect, initiating a food fight wasn’t the best idea.” Food and Drink



I have a mate named Phil Level, and every time I see him, I get this uncanny desire for a Pot Noodle. Food and Drink



I’d just finished eating a meal at a very cold and grotty pub when the waitress came over and said “How was the steak sir?” , “Very well done” , I replied , “Thanks” she said “We’ve never had a compliment before” Food and Drink



“Treated the wife to a slap up meal at our local paki restaurant last night. She had a Big Mac and I had a Quarter Pounder.” Food and Drink



Just seen that new breakfast cereal for people with speech impediments. I think Rice Lispies are going to be big. Food and Drink



“One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergency at the hospital, and rushed away. After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.” “The bad news is that he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.” Food and Drink



“The wife and I are managing to eat well through the credit crunch, with a little known recipe for ‘Nigerian coq au vin’ … First … steal a chicken.” Food and Drink



“I met this bird from New York in the pub this week and I took her out for dinner last night. I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic Native American food. She wasn’t too impressed though. Apparently they have McDonalds in the US as well.” Food and Drink



“Gregg’s sausage rolls are a lot like revenge… Often served cold.” Food and Drink



Once I popped open a can of Pringles. Then I stopped. Food and Drink



Sandwich makers have many rolls to fill. Food and Drink



“My stupid blind son has been stuffing his face all morning. I had to lead him over to the Turkey.” Food and Drink



Do you know what would really make these African charity adverts “she has to walk miles for clean water” more appealing, if the backing music was the Proclaimers “I would walk 500 miles” Food and Drink



“Why don’t Jews eat Brussels sprouts? It gives them gas” Food and Drink



“What’s the difference between Yann Kermorgant and McCain? McCain can make decent chips.” Food and Drink



BBC News: Turkey battered by severe weather. This could save Bernard Matthews a fortune.” Food and Drink



Drinking some 2% milk earlier, I couldn't help but wonder what the other 98% was. Food and Drink



I got drunk last night. Mind you, that’s what I get for sitting in a cup of tea. Food and Drink



BBC News – US warns allies on possible leaks. OK, they’re not the nicest vegetable, but there’s no need to be afraid of them.” Food and Drink



“My dad says that he hates the blacks. I’m inclined to agree. They’re so unpopular, sometimes I don’t know why Maynards just remove them from the packet completely.” Food and Drink



“Rice Krispies motto is “Snap, Crackle and Pop” Coco Pops are the same but chocolate, they don’t share the same motto though Is it because they is black?” Food and Drink



“My wife has recently had a face job, paid for by the richest most powerful brewers in Belgium.. Stella.” Food and Drink



Since the Wife left with the kids I feel as lonely as a Walkers crisp. Food and Drink



Given the price of food now think I’m gonna be a veggie, by that I mean no meat …not in a coma Food and Drink



Nearly got kicked out of McDonald’s today… There was a fit girl who asked me if I wanted to go large for 30p so I told her “you’ve already done that, I’ll give you a 1 to finish me off” Food and Drink



“The wife tried to ‘cheese me off’ last night. She’s started experimenting with dairy products in the bedroom.” Food and Drink



“I’d heard that the steak served at String fellows is the best you can get, so I decided to try one. What arrived at my table was gristly, oily and tasteless. I said “Hi Peter. Where’s my steak?” Food and Drink



“To an optimist, the bag is 1/32 full. To a pessimist, the bag of Walkers crisps is 31/32’s empty. To an engineer, the bag is 32 times as big as it needs to be.” Food and Drink



“What goes in hard, and goes out limp and dripping? Spaghetti.” Food and Drink



“My nan accidentally made a trifle with KY jelly. It didn’t taste very nice but it went down well.” Food and Drink



“I read in a magazine that if you sit in a sauna for 30 minutes, you will lose 600 calories in sweat I really hate saunas though, so instead, I’ve been putting my Big Mac and chips in there for half an hour before I eat it.” Food and Drink



“I’ve never been any good at making pancakes. I think it’s because I don’t give a toss.” Food and Drink



“My mate said ‘Someone needs to eat the last tortilla or I’ll get in trouble’. So I took the wrap for him.” Food and Drink



“I said to one of my dinner guests, “What do you think to the horseradish sauce?” He said, “It certainly tastes unique. Did you make it yourself?” I said, “I did… I got the radishes from Asda. The horse proved to be a bit trickier though.” Food and Drink



I went for a curry last night and ran out of the curry house without paying, when i got back home I was on the toilet for hours. That’s bad korma. Food and Drink



“A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes. “I’ll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please” says the man. “O.K.” replies the waiter and calls out “Gervais!” A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn’t the heart to kill the squid. “Not to worry” says the waiter, and calls out “Hans!!” at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. “Sir”, says the waiter, “this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!” The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. “I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid” Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. “Well sir,” says the waiter, “it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!” Food and Drink



“I went to a fast food sushi restaurant. They gave me some chopsticks and a goldfish in a bowl.” Food and Drink



“I was at a restaurant with a friend and noticed my waitress had a black eye and her lip was split. So when I told her my order I raised my voice a little bit, spoke very clear, and talked s..l..o..w..l..y, because it’s obvious she doesn’t listen.” Food and Drink



“I found a human hair on my pizza last night. The wife must have been keeping food in the wrong freezer again.” Food and Drink



“i phoned up the local Indian restaurant last night and said “do you deliver?” they said “no but we have lamb” Food and Drink



“You can’t beat a poached egg Well you can but it will be a scrambled egg.” Food and Drink



“I got kicked out of my son’s school summer foyer today for having an inappropriate name for my pancake stall. Apparently, ‘Toss Off’ wasn’t appropriate.” Food and Drink



“‘F’ to tha ‘A’ to tha ‘J’ to tha ‘I’ to tha ‘T’ ‘A’ that’s the Fajita Rap.” Food and Drink



Guinness: putting dirty black stains on the toilet bowl since 1759! Food and Drink



“My mates were arguing the other day over who ordered what from the fish and chip shop. I was gonna interrupt them but then I thought, “It’s not my plaice.” Food and Drink



“What’s the best thing since sliced bread? Toast.” Food and Drink



“Gutted. Left a large bag of those chocolate and toffee sweets in my car in the hot sun. What a sad state of éclairs.” Food and Drink



“I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said “Vodka please mate” He said “How would you like it?” I said “Give it to me straight” He said “You’re fat and ugly” Food and Drink



“My dinner kept playing loud music until 2am this morning. It was a club sandwich.” Food and Drink



“I saw a very impressive constellation of stars last night. The regional manager was in my local McDonald’s.” Food and Drink



“I bought a pack of walkers today. I was disgusted to find some sort of chargrilled potato right at the very bottom.” Food and Drink



“Burger King Bought for 3.6bn” and who said you couldn’t buy into religion.” Food and Drink



Do you think when Ronald McDonald is in the car with his kids, they’re screaming for home cooked meals? Food and Drink



“The wife asked me what she should buy for tea while at the shop. Milk, sugar and tea bags. Stupid cow.” Food and Drink



“Ah, payday tomorrow. Or as I like to call it: Hangover eve.” Food and Drink



For a change, I went to see the local farmer to get some milk, although I’ve got to say, I prefer cows. Food and Drink



“McDonald’s. The only place you can play Monopoly and win a heart attack.” Food and Drink



"Sunny D counts towards your 5 a day, as -2." Food and Drink



“I followed a recipe book last night, because I decided to cook something exotic for supper, It was a total disaster, I lost track of it three streets away.” Food and Drink



At last! I can get a kebab and not feel guilty when I refuse when I’m asked if I want salad with it! Food and Drink



“I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the best when it comes to cooking. But yesterday I decided to rustle something up for the wife when she came in from work. She seemed surprised, then said, ‘are well you did try, but it does look a bit like a dogs dinner’, I was amazed she noticed, after all I did add herbs and spices to It.” Food and Drink



“I was reading about this new diet where you’re not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.” Food and Drink



“I love Toblerone. Can’t wait for Kraft to launch Toblertwo.” Food and Drink



“What’s the difference between black people and Libyans? Black people aren’t happy that the Colonel’s no longer around.” Food and Drink



“Let me get your … BANG! You’ve pulled a Christmas cracker!” Food and Drink



I needed a camera with a huge zoom so I phoned up McDonalds and asked them what they use to show burgers on their adverts Food and Drink



“Feeling puckish, I decided to send my young son to the shop to fetch a hot pie for me. That was hours ago and there’s been no sign so I’m really starting to panic now. How long do pies stay edible?” Food and Drink



Producers of microwave meals, to save adding flavour to your product simply double the required cooking time. This will allow the consumer to enjoy the taste of burning flesh as it peels away from the insides of his mouth. Food and Drink



“I picked a random selection out of my tin of Roses, the side one of them read “Contains: Soya” Imagine my disappointment when I opened it to find a chocolate” Food and Drink



“2 Girls 1 Cup – Sponsored by Cadburys Crème Egg how you eat yours?” Food and Drink



I went on a training course to be a butcher, but I just couldn’t cut it. Food and Drink



I’ve just been appointed as the new chairman of the Vegetarian Society. My first job is to arrange the Annual General Quorning. Food and Drink



“News: African fruit burns 12.3 lbs. of fat every 28 days Mother Nature, the only woman with a sense of humour” Food and Drink



“Everyone seems to think I’m an alcoholic because I have several bottles of wine with every meal… But it’s the only way I can cope with eating my wife’s cooking.” Food and Drink



“I don’t love or hate Marmite, I’m impartial towards it. Take that society!” Food and Drink



“I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused. I forgot she doesn’t like lamb.” Food and Drink



“I can’t stand drunk people. They just fall over again.” Food and Drink



“I have just opened up a shop selling lucky charms and I’ve called it ‘Fortune’. It’s next door to the coffee shop ‘Costa’” Food and Drink



“A dyslexic kid asks his mum for a McDonalds. She says you can have one if you spell it, the kid replies “Never mind… I’ll have a K.F.C” Food and Drink



Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air during childbirth, but she refused, as she wasn’t hungry enough. Food and Drink



“My girlfriend, after becoming ill mentioned that some fresh air might make her feel better. So I got her a bag of Walkers crisps.” Food and Drink



“I’m going to give up meat and become a vegetarian. So far I’ve quit cold turkey.” Food and Drink



“I’m having dinner at McDonalds tonight. I don’t need reservations, but I can’t help having them.” Food and Drink



“This wind broke down my bathroom wall earlier. Then again, I did have a strong curry for tea.” Food and Drink



Why would McDonalds not serve under 18’s? That’s like pound land only serving the Royal Family. Food and Drink



“What did the teabag say as it vigorously got out of the teapot? I think I’ve strained myself.” Food and Drink



“A single punch can kill. If you lace it with enough antifreeze.” Food and Drink



“I couldn’t believe it when the local pizza shop accused me of taking advantage of their all you can eat on one plate offer. And to add insult to injury, they even billed me for having to clean some tomato and pineapple off the ceiling.” Food and Drink



“My wife’s into all sorts in the bedroom. And I like Minstrels and Tangfastics.” Food and Drink



“I work at the Revels factory. It’s a bit of a mixed bag.” Food and Drink



“As a company, what do McDonald’s call their 17-18 year old staff members? Managers.” Food and Drink



Scotch eggs must be absolute nightmares for vegetarians, they have death on the outside, and the potential for life within. Food and Drink



“Me and my mate arrive at the pub and order a couple of drinks. I pulled out a lovely Chicken Mayo sandwich and my mate had Ham & Mustard. Seeing us eat these in his pub, the angry publican approaches us and says, ‘Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!’ Which is such a shame because I hate Mustard.” Food and Drink



BBC: Seven die in French hostel fire. Thanks for that info, I now have a craving for some French toast.” Food and Drink



If there really were a food court, Taco Bell would almost certainly be found guilty. Food and Drink



“I’m a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn’t working out too well. What is it that we love about ‘belle cheese’ that you English don’t?” Food and Drink



“Pulled myself a pint tonight, it made me realize how little luck I must have with the ladies” Food and Drink



“‘BBC News – Ancient Britons ‘Drank from skulls’ … That’s nothing new, haven’t they been to the north after chucking out time?’” Food and Drink



At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists. Food and Drink



If drinking Bitter makes you a bitter person, and drinking Wine makes you whine… Why doesn’t Boddingtons Extra Smooth seem to work? Food and Drink



I always sleep with a carrot underneath my pillow just in case there is a power cut. Food and Drink



“What did the salad say when it knocked on the door? Lettuce in” Food and Drink



“I hate it when my chewing gum goes all tasteless. I spat it out once and it was in the shape of a dead baby.” Food and Drink



“I found an everlasting lemon. I now have a zest for life.” Food and Drink



“My friend snorts 10 lines of liquorish each day. He has all sorts of problems.” Food and Drink



“My new girlfriend was telling me about how she left her ex as he was a serial cheater. I thought to myself “…I wonder if he knows Tony the tiger from Frosties” Food and Drink



“I was at a church fair today and there was stall with lots of cakes on. I walked up to the stand and asked “how much are your cakes love” the little lady across the table replied “one pound each dear.” “Can I have one of those cakes please” I asked whilst pointing to the one that I wanted. “That’s will be two pounds” said the lady confused, I asked the lady “why is that cake “two pounds when you said all the cakes were one pound” well said the lady “that’s Madeira cake.” Food and Drink



“I wondered what the colour of water is the other day. Then it became clear to me.” Food and Drink



I was having a packet of kettle crisps with my Stella when the wife says “Why are those crisp bags so big”? I said “they’re made in Norwich you need a bigger bag to get a 6 fingered hand in” Food and Drink



“I was sacked from my job at McDonalds for stealing a portion of fries. I took it with a pinch of salt.” Food and Drink



Just had some ‘Rachel’s Organic Yoghurt’ and can’t help thinking that it tastes like she used it to treat a yeast infection Food and Drink



It makes sense that non-alcoholic drinks are called virgins, because I stopped being one as soon as I started getting alcohol in me too. Food and Drink



“Just found a message in a bottle. It said “keep drinking me and I’ll teach you to dance.” I love wine.” Food and Drink



Whenever I see people praying before a meal, I can’t help but wonder ‘ just how many people has my wife cooked for?’ Food and Drink



“I entered a marathon earlier. The nuts scratched my bell end” Food and Drink



As a result of the worst UK economic forecast since the days of ration books, chancellor George Osborne has asked the EU to extend the 5 second rule. Food and Drink



“How does a paki order two bottles of American beer? Bud bud.” Food and Drink



“McDonald’s drive through. Because eating your burger in the driver’s seat of your car, sat in a bleak, uninspiring industrial car park is still infinitely preferable than having to be near the kind of person who sits down in the restaurant.” Food and Drink



“Just had one of those ‘Whole Meal’ loaves. Only got halfway through before I was sick.” Food and Drink



“All I did was pop to the shops for half an hour, but inadvertently, discovered a great recipe for oven roasted dog.” Food and Drink



“My wife said it would be nice if I bought a magnum of champagne for our wedding anniversary. I tried, but they only had double chocolate flavour at the petrol station.” Food and Drink



A Korean meat factory has exploded. It rained dogs. Food and Drink



Korea – The only place you can do a chicken doggy style Food and Drink



“They call it Le Big Mac.” And the Americans call it a Happy Meal.” Food and Drink



“What did the peanut say when it sneezed? Cashew” Food and Drink



“At Christmas I went on a world food tour. It was mostly rubbish but I enjoyed Turkey and Brussels” Food and Drink



“I always support locally grown produce. That’s why I drink my Gin and Tonic with a slice of onion in It.” Food and Drink



You know foods posh when it’s got a nationality. Food and Drink



“I’ve been running quite a successful award winning restaurant for the past 6 months now. My secret is not to tell anyone that the actual award was “Filthiest Kitchen in Manchester”.” Food and Drink



Jammie Dodgers adverts, making you feel like the world’s biggest drug addict since 2011. Food and Drink



Garlic bread is second to naan Food and Drink



“My local pub is brilliant. If you have 16 pints you get a free bucket to vomit in.” Food and Drink



“McDonald’s. About as much nutritional value as taking a dump in your own mouth.” Food and Drink



“McDonalds now only sell to people aged 18 or over, they do realize most their customers don’t live to 18?” Food and Drink



“Just sorted out a dripping tap in the kitchen. There’s nothing quite like cow fat on demand.” Food and Drink



“Picked up a hot bit of stuff last night. A take away vindaloo curry” Food and Drink



“Doris and Mildred, two posh old ladies, are sitting in a restaurant tucking into plates of Parma ham with asparagus and hollandaise sauce. “Do you know, Mildred,” says Doris, “they used to call asparagus the ‘widow’s comforter’?” “Not much comfort in one of these, Doris,” says Mildred with a sly smile, picking up an asparagus spear with her fork. “Well,” says Doris, “apparently you have to use a whole bunch.” Food and Drink



“I started my Healthy eating plan today… By blowing the powdered sugar off my doughnut.” Food and Drink



“My wife said she was getting tired of doing the same thing every day and asked if we could try new things. So I bought her a toasted sandwich maker.” Food and Drink



Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same “take a clean dish” Food and Drink



“I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. Which is convenient, because a new kebab shop’s just opened in town.” Food and Drink



“Rumor has it, Fish is good for you. Tell that to my wife when it comes to foreplay.” Food and Drink



I went round to Matthew Corbett’s house for dinner yesterday. We had a sweep steak. Food and Drink



“I love going for a kebab. There’s nothing more heartwarming than watching a professional put that lamb doner to the heat and slowly grilling it to succulent perfection. Then casually opening a dirty pot and scooping a load of slimy grey threads of sweaty, greasy meat for you to eat instead.” Food and Drink



“Dr. Pepper, what’s the worst that can happen?” ‘Well you might not be able to have any kids.’” Food and Drink



“I think McDonalds are running out of ideas. I just ordered a Happy Meal and got a bag of anti-depressants.” Food and Drink



“In a recent survey of ‘food’ that apparently ‘Taste like chicken’, Rat came an easy first, with Frogs legs a close second. KFC’s ‘popcorn chicken’, came last.” Food and Drink



“What cheese do alcoholics like? Morbier” Food and Drink



BBC News: “Food Prices Will Double by 2030” Luckily I always reach the checkout by quarter past eight.” Food and Drink



“I’ve decided to ‘go green’ by recycling my used bath water and making popsicles out of it. The neighbourhood kids just love them.” Food and Drink



“What do you call a heroic carton of milk? Legen-dairy.” Food and Drink



If smoking makes you thin and drinking makes you fat, then I have a perfectly Healthy and balanced diet. Food and Drink



“I spent ages beating the meat yesterday. Suddenly, I thought “This is an unusual way to prepare a bacon sandwich…”.” Food and Drink



It’s very rare that I eat steak. Food and Drink



“The apple industry has been hit by a rapid decline in sales of fruit-based pastries. Industry experts are worried about the apple turnover.” Food and Drink



“I have written a song about my addiction to red wine. “Life is a Cabernet.” Food and Drink



“A hippie woman came into my cafe this morning “Do you do vegetarian breakfasts?” she enquired. “Of course”, I replied, “I’ll put you some toast on now.” Food and Drink



“If pizzas get to your house quicker than an ambulance ….. Maybe we should ask the delivery guy to pick up the paramedic on the way?” Food and Drink



“Where are you going to take me for my Birthday?” my wife asked. I said, “You know that expensive restaurant down the road?” “Yeah!!” she replied. “Well, there’s an amazing kebab shop next to it…” Food and Drink



“My friend just challenged me to guess what food item he was hiding behind his back. “Well that’s a piece of cake” I said.” Food and Drink



“I recently applied for a job at a restaurant and was outraged when they didn’t give me it, claiming that my food was far too salty I just couldn’t believe it, I thought I was a seasoned professional…” Food and Drink



“My yoghurt was obviously feeling the cold in the fridge. It’s now wearing a cute little green fur coat.” Food and Drink



“Kebab shops; the only time you’ll let a Turkish man handle your meat.” Food and Drink



“I and the wife did a bit of role play earlier. She was ham salad and I was cheese and pickle” Food and Drink



“For my course at catering college last year, I wrote a 2000 word essay on beer. I couldn’t read a word of it when I’d sobered up.” Food and Drink



It’s fair to say KFC would have been out of business if black people knew how to cook Food and Drink



If you’re hungry, a coconut filled with chocolate milkshake makes a convenient ‘inside-out Bounty’ Food and Drink



“I asked my mate to get me a Stella. He came back with a pint of John Smiths. I was bitterly disappointed.” Food and Drink



“I work as a Barman and for a while now I have been worried as I’m always hearing voices at work even though there is no one there. To try and figure out what has been happening to me I went to the Doctor’s and told him my about my problem. The Doctor gave me a full checkup and even took some X-rays, but he couldn’t find anything that could cause the symptoms I have been experiencing. “What job do you do?” he asked suddenly. “I’m a Barman.” I replied.” Well that explains it” said the Doctor “It’s just the Booze talking.” Food and Drink



Food fetishists are coming for dinner tonight. Food and Drink



“After hearing rumours that Walkers were to change the amount crisps in their bags, I bought some to check it out. It turned out there was nothing in It.” Food and Drink



“I bought a variety pack of Lads Magazines, I was a little surprised it didn’t warn me on the packaging that it may contain Nuts.” Food and Drink



“I went to a restaurant and ordered fish and chips. After a few mouthfuls I called the waiter over. ‘I’ve tasted fresher fish than this, ‘ I said. ‘ Not in here, ‘ replied the waiter.” Food and Drink



“Obama bbq outrage: As Cameron suggests they pick whichever corn on the cob they want…” Food and Drink



“My delivery of herbs has just arrived and I can now make my main course the thyme has come…” Food and Drink



“Just been fired from my job at a Spanish restaurant for poisoning the customers with my version of paella. I always thought you had to put ricin.” Food and Drink



I chew through packets of bubblegum. Food and Drink



When the old man told me to ‘give him a break’, i don’t think lobbing KitKats at him was what he meant. Food and Drink



There’s definitely a point in catering when a long shelf life becomes a long half-life. Food and Drink



I’m going to open a restaurant and have a main course called ‘Monty Hall’s Curry Surprise’. Two thirds of the time it will be goat meat Food and Drink



“I hosted a dinner party last night, but my friends couldn’t even make it past the main dish, a vegetable and cheese pie in a pastry crust. Quiche to their own.” Food and Drink



I knew that insects were considered a delicacy in some countries but I never appreciated it myself until I went to Bangkok and was served a Big Mac and flies. Food and Drink



“A few days ago, I purchased several dozen cans of Red Bull and drank at least 20, in hope of being able to fly as the commercials show. But I didn’t fly, I had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital. The commercials clearly states, “Red Bull gives you wings”.” Food and Drink



“I have seconds to live. Otherwise my anorexia will worsen.” Food and Drink



“I saw a Guinness brought to life on TV earlier. Turns out it was Trevor McDonald.” Food and Drink



BBC News – Maternity Leave, Brussels wants to change things, but will the situation improve? Does ‘getting the farts’ make a baby come out faster?” Food and Drink



Had a Boiled egg for my tea. It’s like a normal egg but slightly cracked. Food and Drink



“The fat missus has started getting a bit of pride in herself lately. Well, she’s started eating lion bars.” Food and Drink



“Today I feel on top of the world as it is officially 1 year since i stopped Drinking. I’m going down the pub to celebrate with a couple of pints.” Food and Drink



“I was eating my supper on my sofa last night when I suddenly thought: “A plate would probably be better.” Food and Drink



“What’s the difference between David Cameron and African’s? African’s aren’t fishing for compliments.” Food and Drink



People with pear shaped bodies shouldn’t wear pear coloured clothes. Food and Drink



That moment during a meal when the fat person is the only one who orders dessert. Food and Drink



Connor the cannon Howe Food and Drink


#6071“I was looking forward to our local amateur dramatic society putting on a production of Jack and the Beanstalk. But they’ve had to cancel it over fears of E. Coli.” Food and Drink



“Went to the chippy and couldn’t decide what to get, I said ‘‘Ok, I’ll get my chips with peas because I really really love peas’‘ ‘‘Don’t get mushy’‘ he said.” Food and Drink



“The manager of our local Nando’s restaurant died. He will be missed Peri-Peri much.” Food and Drink



“Do you still have that wine I had last week?” I asked the waiter. “Yes, sir, we do.” “Bring me a pint of lager then.” Food and Drink



“’‘Muslims wearing Carlsberg T-shirt’s” If Carlsberg did Irony, it would be the best Irony in the world’” Food and Drink



“I just went to McDonalds, I said, “Could i have a Fillet O Fish for my Wife?” Guy said “Sorry we don’t do swaps”.” Food and Drink



I bet paedophile get really disappointed when they ask to see the kid’s menu. Food and Drink



My wife thinks I’m a terrible cook. She hasn’t tried my lamb strudel. Food and Drink



If there is anything I have learnt in life it’s that you can’t beat a cup of tea, but you can beat your wife. Food and Drink



“I just got a big Purple one from a box of Quality Street, Chocolate really turns me on…” Food and Drink



BBC News: US bounty for ‘Al-Qaeda’ man. Because nothing makes people want to catch an extremist more than the taste of coconut smothered in smooth milk chocolate.” Food and Drink



“I was with my mate in the pub earlier. I said, “For this time of year the weather is quite, ummm …” “Mild?” he volunteered. “Cheers mate. I’ll have a bag of crisps as well.” Food and Drink



“My friend strictly only eats Frosties for breakfast; never Cheerios, Coco-Pops or Weetabix etc. He says he is a cereal monogamist.” Food and Drink



“The Cook At My Local Chinese Is A Pervert. Peking Chef.” Food and Drink



“How do you greet a mouthy Indian Restaurant Owner? Alo Gobi.” Food and Drink



“I was sat at the table eating my kebab last night. “Sir, could you please take that tub of garlic off black 20,” asked the roulette dealer.” Food and Drink



“I don’t need to spend a lot of money on a woman, just for her to tell me “You’ve had too much to drink!” The coppers do it for free.” Food and Drink



“Need a curry urgently; then just call the emergency curry service. All you do is dial Naan Naan” Food and Drink



“C0RNF1AK3S …That’s a serial number.” Food and Drink



“Just bought a cookie from a coffee shop today. It Cost a fortune” Food and Drink



“Where’ve you been?” asked my wife. “Running.” I replied. “Have the Olympics inspired you then?” she said. “No, the off-licence was about to close.” Food and Drink



“A Bloke standing at the Bar on a Friday night looking very happy. Barman says “You look cheerful mate, what’s the occasion?”, bloke says “I’m 62 today” , “Congratulations mate” says the Barman and gives him drinks on the house all night. On the Sunday night the bloke stands at the bar again, but looking very glum, the Barman asks “What’s the matter with you mate, you look sad”, and the bloke says “ I’m 2 to 10 tomorrow”.” Food and Drink



“I caught a fish that almost got away. He was gutted.” Food and Drink



Is that a banana in your pocket or is it another type of fruit or something? Food and Drink



Is it me, or is Turkish delight very Moorish? Food and Drink



Finally after all this time they are banning vuvuzelas in football grounds. I’m just hoping that vuvuzelas is a racist euphemism. Food and Drink



Had a food fight earlier but couldn’t find the French mustard anywhere. Food and Drink



“There’s a McDonald’s for everyone’‘ Yeah, I tried telling a fat bloke that the salad was for him, it didn’t go down so well…” Food and Drink



“Hey McDonalds, I see in your advert you talk about how fantastic your Coffee is! And how you’ve practically mastered good Coffee! Well here’s an idea, why don’t you master making nice Food?” Food and Drink



“My friend is absolutely terrified about going to Nan does. He’s a chicken.” Food and Drink



“I was out camping the other night when I got really hungry and decided to try poaching. I can now safely confirm that eggs are best friend or scrambled.” Food and Drink



“I found a man unconscious in my bakery this morning. He says he can’t remember his name so for now we’re just calling him john dough.” Food and Drink



“I bought myself one of those impossible jigsaws today. Or, ‘Jacob’s Cream Crackers’, as my local supermarket likes to call it.” Food and Drink



"I just saw an advert that said- “Pot Noodle- the Nation's Favourite Food”. That's a bit of an exaggeration I thought. You can't really consider it as food." Food and Drink



“You know you have the ultimate hang-over when you have to do one thing. Sit down in the shower.” Food and Drink



“I was sat eating my tea last night, I said to my wife, “Did you cook this?” She said. “Yes, why?” I said, “There’s something wrong with it.” “What do you mean?” she replied. I said, “It tastes quite nice.” Food and Drink



BBC News: Higgs boson results cause flurry so that’s how McDonald’s make them” Food and Drink



“What’s Black on top and white on the Bottom? An Oreo… I ate the bottom bit.” Food and Drink



“Potato. The vegetable for fat people.” Food and Drink



“Popcorn! It’s the daddy of the corn Family!” Food and Drink



Isn’t it ironic when it’s the price of onions that makes you cry? Food and Drink



“I went to the bar yesterday and was drinking absinthe all night and started to get emotional about not seeing my parents for five years. Well you know what they say, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.” Food and Drink



Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues Food and Drink



“You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties. Eating the entire contents of my fridge because I wasn’t invited again.” Food and Drink



“I hate it when I get so drunk that I wake up and put my shoes on the wrong feet. “Sorry” I said to her “Can you take them off, please.” Food and Drink



“How do you brainwash a citrus fruit? Sublemonal messaging” Food and Drink



I went to a restaurant that served Ethiopian food today, when they brought out my plate it had nothing on it. Food and Drink



“I hate eating frozen ready meals. So, I always cook them first.” Food and Drink



“Halal. Is it meat you’re looking for?” Food and Drink



An apple a day keeps the doctor away, and a clove of garlic a day keeps everyone away. Food and Drink



“I was so close to getting in the Olympics this year. But they chose a different hamburger stall.” Food and Drink



“My wife said it would be nice to have a candle at dinner tonight. I opted for steak.” Food and Drink



“Doritos have just released their new flavour of crisps. Chile shockwave.” Food and Drink



Even the thought of my wife’s mashed potato brings a lump to my throat. Food and Drink



“If Carlsberg created the perfect woman, she’d probably look like this: Kelly Brook dons tiny red jumpsuit to promote beer.” So, a women with no talent or credibility with enough ‘slap’ on to help her appear ‘attractive’ and ‘appealing’ to the commercial market….Kind of like the beer then.” Food and Drink



“New Spice Girls line up announced… Parsley, Chives, Cinnamon, Mustard and Mixed Spice were revealed earlier today.” Food and Drink



I get fed up of seeing drinking under ‘activities’ on Facebook walls. I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it? If not, they’d die of dehydration. Food and Drink



In Yorkshire, we just call it pudding. Food and Drink



“My local was burnt down last night, and I’m absolutely devastated! Can’t imagine the thought of a warm beer” Food and Drink



“I went into KFC and asked for something cheap. “You’re slightly overweight” said the man behind the counter” Food and Drink



Just heard that there is going to be “training for Mars” that’s one way to get obese people to exercise. Food and Drink



“My friend and I both bought burgers. Knowing I don’t like the sauce she asked if she could have it. I told her to relish It.” Food and Drink



“My wife left me because of my obsession with Chorizo The silly sausage.” Food and Drink



“I tried to explain to my wife. “You put carrot in carrot cake, Egg in eggnog and cheese in cheesecake” She still didn’t like what I did to the chicken for the coq-au-vin.” Food and Drink



“I’m writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction.” Food and Drink



Isn’t it ironic that women are born to cook but when you want good food, in a restaurant, you have to have a man to cook it? Food and Drink



If you define radius as “z” and thickness as “a” then the volume of a pizza is: Pi*z*z*a. Food and Drink



“Iceland are now selling boxes of ‘authentic Gregg’s Sausage Rolls’ from the freezer cabinet. They can’t really be authentic though, otherwise they’d be lukewarm at one end.” Food and Drink



If you have eaten Lloyd Grossman’s sauce and fear Botulism. Please korma down. Food and Drink



“People kept telling me brown bread is Healthier. Apparently buying a toaster was not the right idea.” Food and Drink



“I was baking a cake and having trouble with the mixing. “Put some welly into it”, my girlfriend said so I did. Unfortunately they just made the cake rubbery.” Food and Drink



Definition. Lamb Shank – The art of killing sheep Food and Drink



“Man walks into the doctors: “I keep getting the urge to graffiti my initials all over my TV screen” Doctor: “Hmm tricky one, have you been eating anything different lately?’ Man: “Yes actually, I’ve been eating lots of Italian food” Doctor: “Tagliatelle?” Food and Drink



London is quite like a pack of Rowntree’s, there are the black ones, that no one really likes, but there are no white ones. Food and Drink



“Being a creative DJ I covered my record turntables in dried lentils, peanuts, chickpeas, noodles and flaked rice I made a wicked Bombay mix” Food and Drink



“I’m so hungry. I think it’s starting to affect the way I bacon sandwich” Food and Drink



“Anyone want a plate? Speak now or forever hold your pizza.” Food and Drink



“I’m glad McCain microchips now come in multi packs. If you put all four boxes in at once, you nearly get a full portion.” Food and Drink



“‘Wigs for biscuits’ by Gary Baldi” Food and Drink



Being interrogated by the police and ordering a sandwich at Subway are strikingly similar. Food and Drink



So American company Kraft have bought Cadburys? It was reported that they based this decision on the popular TV adverts Cadburys produce. Although Kraft did think they were buying drum playing gorillas… Food and Drink



“The local Indian Family in my area are thinking of opening a new Indian restaurant slash brothel. They are going to call it: A Taste of Punan.” Food and Drink



“Race car designers are a boring bunch. I met a group of them at the pub and it was nothing but torque, torque, torque.” Food and Drink



“The evidence points to me that I was very drunk last night. Seeing as the ‘Magic carpet’ I woke up hugging is a stolen doormat.” Food and Drink



I don’t really like spiced chicken but I’ll have it on o-Cajun. Food and Drink



“Blood will be spilled tonight. I just ate KFC’s Hot Wings and have hemorrhoids.” Food and Drink



“I had to have a fried egg sandwich for breakfast this morning. Turns out my step-daughter is better than I thought at playing ‘hide the sausage’.” Food and Drink



A foreign woman taking a food survey asks a man ‘Are you peckish?’ the man replies ‘No I’m Turkish’ Food and Drink



“I told my wife that if I didn’t get a pudding after my dinner she would get a slap. She crumbled.” Food and Drink



“Since Christmas I have managed to lose 10 pounds. I think a fiver a month to Weight Watchers is fair enough for their advice.” Food and Drink



“Recently I’ve been starring in a series of adverts selling processed meat. I’m a Quorn star.” Food and Drink



“My wife gave me a wicker basket full of cold meats, sandwiches, fruit cake and crockery and told me to take it to the car. I couldn’t do it, I was hampered.” Food and Drink



“I went in to a Korean restaurant the other day that had a sign saying “No Dogs” As the kitchen’s Health & safety inspector, I later found this out to be a false statement.” Food and Drink



“Lidl are said to be extremely worried about the release of M&S Value products. It might affect the sales of their premium range.” Food and Drink



“Tell you what really helps to combat snacking A Big Mac with Super-Size fries and drink with 20 Chicken Nuggets as a side with all the sauces and 2 McFlurry’s” Food and Drink



So the Americans have now bought Cadbury’s. That’s the fruit and nut bar gone forever! Food and Drink



“Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You’re guaranteed at some point in the night, she’s going to breakdown.” Food and Drink



I took the wife to a restaurant. We ordered our food and wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him “Are you the waiter who took my order?” The waiter replied “yes sir, I am.” “That’s funny” I said, “I was expecting someone much older.” Food and Drink



I hear when John James got out of the Big Brother house, the first thing he wanted to do was put a shrimp on the Barbie. Surely Josie’s worth at least two Barbie’s? Food and Drink



The poster at Subway said ‘‘Eat Fresh’‘ so I did, I went elsewhere. Food and Drink



“What do you call and old Fashioned cookery equipment song? Ladle vice.” Food and Drink



I’m absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything except a few Cadburys chocolate biscuits…on the other hand I’ve more fingers Food and Drink



“Where do Americans go for seconds of curry? Baltimore.” Food and Drink



“My boss asked me if I liked Thai food. “Yeah, boss. Love it.” Then he pointed out that I’d dribbled my lunch down my shirt front.” Food and Drink



I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs. Food and Drink



“Walkers Crisps are sponsoring a ride at Alton Towers this summer season. Air.” Food and Drink



Yay I just brought a bag of air for 75p from the shop!! I got 7 crisps free! : D and a few crumbs Food and Drink


  1. “I arrived late to work in the kitchens earlier. I hung up my coat and put the herbs I’d bought on the table. ‘What time do you call this?’ the head chef asked, looking from me to the herbs. ‘Well I’ve got common, lemon and golden.’” Food and Drink



"Did you hear about the carrot that died???? There was a turn up at the funeral" Food and Drink



“I went to a Chinese restaurant the other night but I was afraid that my dog wouldn’t be allowed to come in. Turned out I was wrong: the minute they saw the dog they became so friendly; they even said they had a special place for him in the kitchen.” Food and Drink



“What do you do if a restaurant serves you bad dumplings? Suet” Food and Drink



It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes. Food and Drink



“Pig 1: What do you think pigs taste like? Pig 2: You remember Madeleine McCann? Somewhere between that and chicken.” Food and Drink



“I tried this new reggae reggae hair dye yesterday. I wouldn’t recommend it though, you can still see my roots.” Food and Drink



“Was getting annoyed earlier, every sweet I ate made a little whimpering, moaning sound. Last time I buy Whine gums.” Food and Drink



“A tourist in Ireland is annoyed by the slow service in the restaurant. When the waiter finally shuffles up to the table, the tourist says, “Do you by any chance have hemorrhoids?” “Don’t know about that,” says the waiter, “but I’ll ask in the kitchen.” Food and Drink



“How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.” Food and Drink



I’ve got a lovely recipe for a fish stew made with Pollock and dog fish. It’s the dog’s Pollock’s. Food and Drink



“You are what you eat. Be yourself.” Food and Drink



“I walked into my local chip shop and said, “Just a cod please mate.” “Wrapped?” he asked. I said, “No, battered.” Food and Drink



“Hola Hoops have a promotional going: Win a Land Rover in selected packs today! Unfortunately, all the packs in my local shop were just regular size.” Food and Drink



“I was working in the mess hall of my Army base, and my Commanding Officer walked up to me.’I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries,’ he said. I said, ‘Is that an order?’” Food and Drink



“Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right.” Food and Drink



“Just shared a banana with my dad. He had the inside bit again.” Food and Drink



If anybody knows any good salad Jokes then lettuce know Food and Drink



I like drinking in Free houses, but tougher squatting laws have made it very difficult. Food and Drink



Sleep is like coffee for people who have too much time on their hands. Food and Drink



If bars won’t serve drunk people, why does McDonald’s serve fat people? Food and Drink



“A tasty Chinese snack that helps you shed weight too… Dim sum lose some” Food and Drink



There was a Family of Wotsits driving along and they see another Family. They pull over and ask, ‘do you want a lift?’ and the Family reply, ‘no thanks, we’re Walkers’ Food and Drink



“Two bags of crisps are walking down the street, A car pulls up and the driver offers them a lift, No thanks they reply, we`re walkers” Food and Drink



“Burger King, KFC and McDonalds catering for those without a palate…………………………………………. We know who you are……so do you…….” Food and Drink



“I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks. When I got run over by a tank.” Gardening



“What have Gardening tools and People got in common? The Hoes are always with the Spades.” Gardening



My wife said she’s leaving me because of my unHealthy obsession with plants. I said where’s this stemming from petal? Gardening



Here in Britain, men go down to the garden shed to get away from the kids and their mother. Gardening



Whenever I need help with my gardening, I just go out in my short skirt, bend over to pick some weeds and soon enough I’ve loads of helpers. Gardening



“I hate my part time job as a leaf blower, the pay is terrible. But if I was a gardener, I would be raking it in.” gardening



“I was watching UK Border Force last night. The team was in Dover and they put in a nice selection of bedding plants and a small box hedge.” Gardening



“I was gardening when I saw I had left an empty patch. So i put a rose bush there thinking ‘Thistle do’” gardening



“What is the difference between a shovel and a spade? The Americans did not elect a shovel as president in 2008” gardening



“I heard about people talking to their plants so I went out and bought one. I haven’t watered it for a week now. Oh it’ll talk. Eventually.” Gardening



“I used to have a job making furniture out of plants. I’ll tell you, it was no bed of roses.” Gardening



I’m certain more of my house plants would survive if they had the ability to beg for water and food like my kids do. Gardening



“I’ve got some landscape gardeners in at the moment, and was quite surprised when Didier Drogba turned up in the van with them this morning. It turns out he is what they use to roll the lawn.” Gardening



“I woke up at 5am to harvest and re-plant my rice this morning. By 5pm I should be ready to harvest it again. By 6pm I think I will be about ready to kill myself. Oh well, at least my cottons coming along nicely.” Gardening



“‘I’m suffering a mole problem, he gives out confidential information to other gardeners’” gardening



“I have planted a Bay tree in my back garden. I can’t wait till it grows its first window.” Gardening



“The drought prevention wardens said they’d had an anonymous tip-off that I’d got a sprinkler. I said yes, you would too if you had prostate cancer.” Gardening



“I screwed up my nicotine patch today. Added too much water to the soil.” Gardening



“I’m not really bothered about the hose pipe ban. I was going to start jet washing my lawn from 30 meters away this summer anyway.” Gardening



“I used to be a gardener. But I lost the plot.” Gardening



“So if flowers have both male and female parts, but it’s bees that actually do the pollinating, does that make it some kind of threesome?” gardening



As I walked through the garden today I tripped and landed in the herb section. Surprisingly, I broke all of my ribs along with some fingers and both wrists. I guess I must have fallen on hard thymes. Gardening



“What has my daughter got in common with my garden? The Family dog is happy to bury his bone in either.” Gardening



“I bought some seeds at the garden centre earlier today, and rushed back to plant them. The next morning, I found several Israeli children running around my yard. It was to be expected, I suppose. The seeds I bought were Jew-nippers.” Gardening



Just letting you all know I’m in hospital. Don’t panic, I just poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion. Turned out 2 be a daffodil bulb. Should be out by spring. Gardening



What I don’t know about gardening isn’t worth growing. Gardening



“Nicki Minaj sings about a stupid hoe. A bad gardener always blames their tools.” Gardening



“I went to a ‘bush n garden’ convention the other day , it was ridiculous I couldn’t get a word in hedge ways .” gardening



We were going to slab out the back, but the wife said sod it. Gardening



My mate recently had a nasty accident with a lawnmower. They had to do a com-post mortem. Gardening



“Save a tree… …Kill a vegetarian” gardening



I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my kids do. Gardening



“I was doing the gardening this afternoon when a frog intentionally threw himself under my lawn-mower. I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.” Gardening



“There’s actually a really quick way to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t.” Ghosts



“Serial Killer” is a bit strong. I prefer the term “Ghost Manufacturer” Ghosts



“Walking home last night I saw a dead baby ghost on the pavement… Although on reflection it could have been a handkerchief.” Ghosts



“Son: Are Ghosts real? Dad: Of course not. Son: But the maid said they are. Dad: Son pack your bags….we don’t have a maid” Ghosts



“I always test psychics with a knock knock Joke. If they say “Who’s there?” I get up and leave.” Ghosts



“My mate just came round looking like he’d seen a ghost. “I just had a séance on my own,” he whispered. “I know,” I replied. “You’ve Ouija self.” Ghosts



“What do you call it when a ghost comes in and steals all of your stuff? Paranormal Blacktivity.” Ghosts



“I was recently noticing strange happenings in the home, I’d wake up and furniture had moved, lights were on, and many other different strange things. My mate referred me to an exorcist, now, I didn’t believe in the idea he could do anything but, I was willing to try anything. To my surprise, he was completely successful, and I’ve had nothing strange happen, however. A bill came through the door for 2,500. I had no chance of paying this! I rang the exorcist up to try and sort something out, but nothing could be done so, he’s coming down tomorrow to repossess the house.” Ghosts



“I thought I’d seen the ghost of my dead girlfriend the other day. I walked into my lounge and she was just floating there, all pale and cold looking. Turns out she’d hung herself earlier from a beam in the ceiling and I’d forgotten to take her down.” Ghosts



“Very interesting thing, the paranormal. I have a book on it. I didn’t buy it, it just turned up in my room one day.” Ghosts



“I went round my gran’s last night. She suddenly started crying and said, “Ignore me – I’m just a silly sentimental old fool.” So I switched the tally on and watched the football.” Ghosts



“My mate is haunted by a ghost which plays on his Xbox all night. It needs to get a life.” Ghosts



“Sky News: ‘Paranormal activity sweeps America’ If I was a ghost, I’d do something scarier than just tidy houses.” Ghosts



Thought I saw a ghost yesterday. Then I realized that there are still one or two white people still living in Brixton. Ghosts



A ghost walks through a bar… Ghosts



“My wife is very spiritual. She’s dead.” Ghosts



“I don’t think I’ve ever been as miserable as when I got stuck in a lift with two Ghosts the other day, But when it started moving, it really lifted the spirits.” Ghosts



“I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the spirit of my former girlfriend materialize at the foot of my bed. I was utterly terrified, I just didn’t ex spectre.” Ghosts



I don’t like haunted houses I’m afraid. Ghosts



“I’m being haunted by the ghost of Maurice Gibb. He gives me the ebebeegees” Ghosts



“I tried to hold a séance last night. After two hours, all I’d managed to do was talk to three window cleaners. That’s the last time I muck around with a squeegee board.” Ghosts



“An English golfer’s mate is permanently banned from Royal St Georges after yesterday’s ghostly clubhouse events. At one point staff said books and objects were flying at them from all sorts of mysterious angles. In the end they found out it was an Ian Poulter’s guest.” Ghosts



“I don’t trust Ghosts. You can see right through them” Ghosts



“Was trying to find a ghost earlier when a poltergeist appeared. I thought “That’s the spirit” Ghosts



I’ve tried pretending not to be a ghost but people saw right through me. Ghosts



“I’ve recently had my house exorcised by a Priest due to some strange events. He wanted 200 paying in the next week for his duties. However when I told him I couldn’t pay this, he came back and re-possessed my house.” Ghosts



“Our neighbours house is getting repossessed… It’s such a shame, I never got to meet their first Ghosts” Ghosts



“A ghost just floated past me and it was perfectly horizontal. I think it was a spirit level.” Ghosts



“A ghost floats into a bar. The barman says, “Who ordered a spirit?” Ghosts



“Why don’t poltergeists ever just give people a pat on the back or a hand job. Nice people die as well.” Ghosts



I had a contest with the Grim Reaper to see who could throw the best carnival. He won – mine was an fte worse than Death’s. Ghosts



“The Sun: WOMAN HAUNTED BY GHOST ‘I walked into the kitchen, turned the light on and suddenly there was a loud bang and all the lights and everything went out, it was very scary ‘ Erm, it’s called a power cut love.” Ghosts



“I’ve just seen ‘Ghost’ again. It’s a lot scarier now Patrick Swayze’s’ really dead.” Ghosts



“I’ve made up one of those notices to stick on my door and keep away the ‘trick or theaters’. It says ‘Ring the bell to get your parents a job’.” Ghosts



“I don’t believe in Ghosts don’t tell anyone though – they’re always the first to go” Ghosts



“After an hour of holding a séance in my friend’s marijuana plantation, we finally gave up after no contact was made with the Ghosts. Despite this, spirits were high” Ghosts



MSN NEWS: ‘Ghosts’ captured on film: real or fake? Doesn’t that question kind of answer itself?” Ghosts



“The other day me and my friends were ‘talking to spirits’ in an old prison. Hesitantly I asked, “how many of you are here? Knock one out for each person”. For the next 4 hours there was constant bangs, I guess he’d taken my Request literally.” Ghosts



Having finally given up my drug addiction, I dumped my weed in a house haunted by Ghosts and now my spirits are high. Ghosts



“Being a ghost, it’s difficult pretending to be someone you’re not. People see straight through you.” Ghosts



“What do you get if you drop a bag of Maltese’s at a Weight Watchers meeting? A real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.” Health



“My blood test results said my blood had zero antigens. I thought that must be a typo.” Health



“My Granddad always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your Health.” So one day, while I was watching my Health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad.” Health



“I eat an apple every day. The wife’s a doctor.” Health



“I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady. Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, “When are you due?” It was then that I realized that she wasn’t pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, “…for another snack?” Health



“Obesity in America is escalating… It’s too lazy to take the stairs.” Health



“I have a friend who is always being taunted because he is fat. I asked him how he doesn’t get upset by all the nasty remarks, and he said he takes it on the chin.

I wonder which chin he takes it on?” Health



Good Health is just the slowest way to die. Health



“I’m sick of people telling me I’m a weakling so tonight I went to the gym. After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge. Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said… “Stop pulling on the door mate, we’re closed.” Health



“What do call a chip pan in Glasgow containing no chips? Soup.” Health



“There is currently one thing which prevents me from going to Fat Fighters. The front door.” Health



Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat. Health



“Dawn French was dropped twice as a baby. Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.” Health



This new research into how subliminal advertising is taking over our minds is a load of local singles in my area. Health



The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works non-stop, from the time you’re born until….you fall in love. Health



Jogging: it won’t help your face, luv Health



I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. Health



“My wife has become so fat, I said to her “You are starting to look like my ex-wife”. “But you only have ever been married to me”. She replied “Yes, I know” Health



I saw a fat kid today… I had to run home to make sure mine hadn’t escaped Health



I lost my Donor card yesterday and they got one of my kidneys before I could cancel it. Health



“Me and my wife just had a blazing row ‘cause she says I’m just a fat slob I don’t know what she’s talking about, I do 100 sit-ups every morning, trying to get out of bed” Health



“Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.” I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realized I could no longer throw them. Health



When you get out of bed in the morning, can you count that as a sit up? Health



“I just saw an advert for Lana cane to stop chafing. Alternatively, fat people could buy clothes that fit.” Health



When you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat Health



“To all those who have sponsored me to run the Great North Run to raise money for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness. I’ve decided not to run; I’m a bit tired and can’t really be bothered.” Health



Self-harm Jokes aren’t funny. But if you do happen to make one, don’t beat yourself up over it… Health



To me, good exercise is soaking in a tub, pulling the plug, and fighting the current! Health



“I go to the gym because deep down we all know when the aliens come their going to eat the fatties first.” Health



“I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job. Oh well I should have gone to pushovers.” Health



“My white friend called his black fitness instructor a slave driver the other day! Is it just me or does anyone else see the Irony here?” Health



“I’ve found it a lot easier to pick up women since I’ve been going to the gym. Sometimes I even challenge myself with a fat one.” Health



Owen Hargreaves signing a ‘pay as you play’ contract makes you think he’d be better off just signing on. Health



“What is food waste called in America? Salad.” Health



“I recently got fired from my job as a doctor, apparently when asked what exactly is a cesarean, replying “have you ever seen the film alien” is not the response there looking for…” Health



“My wife asked for jewelry for her birthday, so she was quite upset when I bought her a steel bar which fixes into door frames. “What do you expect me to do with it?” She asked angrily. “Come on love, chin up.” Health



“Baa baa alopecian sheep, have you any wool? No, Sir.” Health



“I’m on a Health drive. I was going to walk but I’m too fat and lazy.” Health



“I’ve heard exercise kills germs. But how do you get them to exercise?” Health



“Health & Safety. We’ll save your life with our rules, but after following them, you’ll probably want to die.” Health



Fat Jokes just bounce off me, like pretty much everything else. Health



“Scientists have just confirmed that they are about to start studies on the female brain. This comes after a decade of trying to locate it.” Health



Just been to the Doctors, He was very impressed with my footwear, He said i had Healthy shoes. Health



“I went to weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds. Unfortunately, I only found out when I opened my wallet when I got home.” Health



“What’s the definition of risk? All Londoners are fat, lazy overweight virgins who spend the whole day on their computers, wasting away their lives minute by minute. They need a life and a girlfriend! Joke by A fielding, 23 St Margaret’s Road, Twickenham, London, England” Health



“Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia.” Health



“I like to monitor and record my progress down the local gym. I did great this morning – I almost reached the door!” Health



“I have a huge series of stretch marks all over my body that’s the last time I try to get ripped in less than four weeks.” Health



“Weight Watchers should use Club Penguins slogan…‘Waddle around, and make new friends’” Health



Don’t you think it’s funny that in the Olympics black people are good at all the running events and white people are good at all the shooting events? Health



“What religion do fat people follow? Must-slim” Health



“My Grandma was having a stroke yesterday, using her initiative and thinking of the advert, she mumbled out “Think F.A.S.T” Then hit me in the head with a lamp.” Health



“How do you kill a fat man? Murder” Health



“I want to use my new Health & Fitness DVD but I can’t. I’ve lost the remote.” Health



Being very Health and safety conscious, I put rock salt all over a huge Ice patch in my local area. I prevented a lot of people slipping over but, on the down side, I’m now banned from the Ice rink. Health



“I am starting University in a few weeks’ time and I was told to get some posters to spice up my room. I saw an Adele poster that looked great, the only problem is that I don’t think it will fit on my wall.” Health



“I absolutely REFUSE to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories” Health



The main issues with making your own toothpaste are finding a strong enough blender, and enough teeth that people don’t need. Health



“An obese guy was asked “why are you so fat?” He replied “because ((-1)/64)”.” Health



Isn’t it ironic that fat people wear joggers? Health



“It’s not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad’s got a wheelchair… He nicked it off a crippled child” Health



My wife went to the doctor to ask for a facial surgery. He told her he'd make a 40% discount if she brings the dynamite herself. Health



“I saw a woman at the gym who was looking a bit bewildered. I walked over and said “Hi, you must be new”. She laughed and said “Is it so obvious?” “Yes” I replied “You’re seriously out of shape”.” Health



“I was speaking to my blonde sister the other day whilst watching Maury. As we both were watching a morbidly obese woman come onto the set, I said to her ‘‘that fat woman makes me feel like throwing up’‘. She looked at me disgusted, and yelled ‘‘don’t be racist!’‘ I laughed at her stupidity, then turned to her and said, ‘‘They don’t matter, even if fat people were a race, they’d lose anyway’‘.” Health



“My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby, so I’ve bought her some running gear so she can go jogging. And I can change the locks.” Health



“I guess I’m going to have to get my hands dirty.” I chuckled. Anyway, that was my last day as a Gynecologist.” Health



Why is it that everybody that wants me to sponsor them to do the Run for Life looks like running for a bus would kill them? Health



“My New Year’s resolution was to get personal trainers for me and my wife. It seems silly to share a pair when our feet are completely different sizes.” Health



“I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises. ‘What’s the best way to do chin-ups?’ I asked. ‘Hang on a minute…’ ‘Cheers,’ I said and hung up.” Health



“My gym has the nicest people working there. I drive by and wave every day.” Health



I love those new Dyson hand dryers. From now on I’m definitely gonna start washing my hands when I’ve been to the toilet. Health



“When I worked as a personal trainer my job was to help people with their fitness goals. Once this large woman said to me, “Can you help me define my abs?” “Certainly,” I said, “podgy, sloppy and disgusting.” Health



Just been entered into the Health Lottery, Or trying to get into a doctors practice as it is known round here. Health



Humans: doing it wrong since Eve went on a Health kick. Health



I got up this morning and ran around the block 4 times! Then I got tired, so I picked it up and put it back in the toy box! Health



“Recent research suggests that a three minute burst of intense activity once a week could give noticeable benefits in fitness and weight loss. That’s all very well but some of us are married.” Health



“My doctor told me that I’m chronically unfit and I need to start doing an activity at least three times a week that gets my heart pumping and brings me out in a sweat. Snorting cocaine it is then.” Health



Just heard that there is going to be “training for Mars” that’s one way to get obese people to exercise. Health



“I was shocked to realize I had lost two stones when I was at weight watchers the other day I bought four at the off – a couple must have fell out the carrier on the way” Health



“My wife has just done a 2 year stretch. She takes her exercise far too seriously.” Health



“I think my doctor fancies me. He said I have acute paranoia.” Health



Archaeologists have discovered a toilet which they believe to be constructed between 700 and 600 BC. Even back then plumbers took their time. History



“Everyone knows Christopher Columbus was responsible for one of History’s biggest blunders. Discovering America.” History



The form of the pyramids of Egypt tells us that even in the earliest times, workers had tendency to work less every day. History



Apparently writing Adolf Hitler as who you aspire to become is a good way to get suspended from school. History



“Obama and wife too later congratulate newlyweds Harry and Kate” could this be the first time Americans were late to support the British in a national event?” History



God must have loved the Africans. He gave them beautiful landscapes, majestic wildlife, valuable mines as well as a tremendous physical strength. Mind you, he did give us guns and chains. History



“Over 700 years of repression from the British, the Irish have their revenge. Jedward.” History



“Benjamin Franklin Huge stoner. Do you know how stoned you have to be to think about electricity? When there’s no electricity.” History



“When it comes to marriage, I’m very old Fashioned and traditional. I have them beheaded if they can’t give birth to a boy.” History



“A Russian girl the other day asked me, “Who was Lenin?” I was quite amazed, it’s like a German asking who Hitler was, or a Chinese person asking who Genghis Kahn was, or an American asking who Ronald Macdonald was.” History



I was thrilled when I heard about In Private browsing. I’ve cleared my History so many times it’s forgotten who the Romans are. History



“I’ve just invented a time machine and I’m using it to steal money from everybody in the past. It’s part of my campaign to make History poverty.” History



“What were King Harold’s last words? “I spy with my little eye something beginning with A” History



Experts are worried that Pompeii is falling down due to neglect. Pompeii, a 2,000 year old city that was destroyed by a volcano. History



“That’s me off to Germany on holiday; Superior beer and overall a more superior people. Well, according to this 1936 tour guide.” History



“There’s a plaque on the deck of HMS Victory where Nelson fell. I’m not surprised he fell, that plaque’s right where people are walking.” History



“One day, a French spy received a coded message from a M16 British agent. It read: S370HSSV_0773H. The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his similarly clueless boss, who forwarded it to Russia. The Russians couldn’t solve it either so they asked the Germans. The Germans, having received this same message during WWll from the Brits, suggested turning it upside down.” History



“All these anti-sematic Jokes are disgusting. Anne Frank will be spinning in her oven.” History



If History has taught us anything, it’s about things that happened in the past. History



“Bonfire night parties. Making it Ok to be drunk and in charge of explosives since 1605.” History



“In a History lesson today, the teacher asked us what we thought was the most horrific war ever. Apparently ‘ The Battle of Isengard’ was not a valid answer.” History



“I like queuing, my dad likes queuing, and my granddad loved queuing. What I’m saying is I come from a long line of people who like queuing.” History



“Famous Last Words Anne Boleyn: “Henry! I am NOT giving you head!” History



In 2000 years’ time, historians studying the national census will think we murdered all the Jedi. History



“I’ve never understood how Ireland managed to have a “Potato Famine”. That’s not a famine. That’s just living without potatoes and having extra portions of carrots for a while.” History



“They say we should never meet our heroes. What a relief, mine died 67 years ago.” History



I plan to celebrate Columbus day this year by walking into a stranger’s house and telling them that I live there now. History



“They should stop teaching History in schools. It’s spoiled the end of loads of movies for me.” History



“149 B.C. Frosties breakfast cereal is invented by Alexander the Grrrrrrrreeat” History



“‘Silence is a woman’s glory’ Aristotle. A man ahead of the times” History



On a scale of 0 to Anne Boleyn how off your head were you last night? History



“I punched a German philosopher in the face the other day. I was arrested for crimes against Nietzsche.” History



“Zeus sent women to be a punishment for men, they were a nuisance so men couldn’t live with them but they were dependent so men couldn’t live without them. At least they got one thing right” History



They say that History never repeats itself, that’s probably because I delete it before it has a chance to, History



“The wife showed me a picture of a Gaudi designed building in Barcelona and said “what’s it called?” I couldn’t name it, but it did look Familia.” History



“The Costa Concordia disaster appears to have been caused by the captain failing to turn in time. Strange that. The Italians turned very quickly in World War II.” History



“Does anyone else think that Hitler would have still been keen to create a blonde haired blue eyed master race had he seen John and Edward on the X factor? Me neither.” History



History. Or as it used to be called: the present. History



“They say those who don’t learn from History are doomed to repeat it. I didn’t learn a thing from History in school, am I going to start wars and kill millions of Jews?” History



“I just changed History Oh I do love Wikipedia” History



“My wife just left me because of my apparent obsession with Tudor times. However, I got the last laugh. I sat on her out of the window when she was leaving.” History



“Smokeless anthracite has been mined in the USA since 1790. Entrepreneurs made a fortune selling it to Red Indian tribes who weren’t on speaking terms.” History



It seems that Honest Abe was a big fan of the rap-rock genre. The question is, when attending a concert, where did Linkin Park? History



Museums are things of the past. History



“My great granddad used to wonder the streets of London at midnight giving money to waitresses. He was called jack the tipper.” History



English men lead the Australian race. History does repeat itself. History



“I’ve made lots of little clay models of dinosaurs. They are all from the Pleistocene epoch.” History



“It’s the Stone Age. A caveman’s wife comes running up, screaming: “Ugg! Ugg! A saber-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother’s cave!” Ugg is unimpressed: “Stupid tiger. It’ll just have to fight its own way out, won’t it?” History



“What’s the difference between Call of Duty and the Holocaust? In Call of Duty, camping keeps you alive.” History



“I’ve just got back from a History exhibition at the Albert Hall, I found the whole thing a total disappointment… Hitler’s ball was nowhere to be seen.” History



“I don’t think my granddad ever mentioned the war to me. But I don’t speak German, so I could be wrong.” History



“I will go down with this ship, I won’t put my hands up and surrender there will be no white flag above my door ‘Cause I’m not French, and never will be.” History



“If we didn’t kill Hitler we’d all be speaking German” No, we’d be dead…. he killed himself. Everything would be just the way it is.” History



“What’s got one head and 13 brains? Peter Sutcliffe’s hammer! History



“I need a Jew” I told my wife today “why” she asked “our new shower system needs testing” History



“I once knew a cat called Lenin. It got diarrhea so we renamed it Trotsky…” History



“I just saw an advert on Facebook urging me to ‘Discover America’. They should really remove ads that are more than 500 years old.” History



“Scientists are now saying that Mary Magdalene was edited out of The Last Supper painting. I disagree. Who do you think made the supper?” History



“My taste in women is a lot like my Joke History. They both suck” History



I’ve always wondered why Vietnam needs so many vets and why they all live in the US. History



“I wonder how many people standing on the earth in 1870 predicted that less than 100 years later there would be a man standing on the moon. Whose name was Buzz?” History



“‘BBC News – Ancient Britons ‘Drank from skulls’ … That’s nothing new, haven’t they been to the north after chucking out time?’” History



BBC SPORT: ‘Pompey fans wary of share offer’ Pompey fans? Don’t they know Caesar already won?” History



“People keep saying that the wheel is the best invention ever. Have these people ever tried to ride a unicycle?” History



“I have 1 comment about your browsing History. Nothing says everything.” History



“I’m considering spending the weekend at a castle. I’ve heard the knight life is really good there.” History



“My granddad used to say “If it wasn’t for me you’d all be speaking German.” Well it’s not like German people are speaking English.” History



Don’t you think it’s a bit of a coincidence that the battle of Hastings happened on the same date as the number of the Hastings Direct website? History



“It’s Bully from Bulls eye!” I exclaimed as I saw the small statuette. “You aren’t really an expert in Cretan archeology are you?” replied the museum director.” History



“There is nothing more tedious than having to listen to someone telling you what they dreamed of last night. Martin Luther King found that out the hard way.” History



“I’ve never understood why people were so angry about Margaret Thatcher back in the day, She was only a minor problem” History



The Bronze Age is the third best age in History History



“67 years late, a memorial to RAF Bomber Command will be unveiled at Green Park. It replaces the previous one. Dresden.” History



The only reason we, the French army surrendered to the Germans was because the American government phoned us and said it was coming to Rescue the situation. History



“I’ve been fired because I set my standards too high. I’m gutted, I loved working at The Battle of Bosworth site.” History



Rosa Parks didn’t call shotgun. History



“While visiting relations in South Africa, I decided to look up the Family tree. Darwin was right. There were monkeys swinging in its upper branches.” History



“Black people got the vote in 1870. Women got the vote in 1917. Welsh people got the vote in 2011. Just in case you were wondering where you stood.” History



Imagine how frightened those boys on the Normandy Invasion must’ve been, and they died bravely fighting off an American & British invasion. History



“My Great Great Granddad was killed at The Battle of the Little Bighorn He wasn’t involved in the battle, He was camping in the field next door and went to complain about the noise.” History



“Philistine: A person lacking in or hostile to culture. How can an entire civilization lack culture?” History



“Britain, Post-War, 1946. Letters and mailbags thrown left, right and centre for several weeks.” History



“I just subjected my wife to what we laughingly call a ‘Pearl Harbour’. It’s a surprise Nip Attack.” History



“Well it’s that time of year to go out joy riding…bonfire night. It’s the only time they don’t send out the police helicopter.” History



“Historically, Things tended to happen in the past.” History



I wondered if Henry IV ever signed any orders ‘HIV’. Probably – he had aides. History



It’s Gregor Mendal’s 189th Birthday. Being that old, no wonder he smells like pea. History



“What’s the difference between Elvis , and Rudolf Hess ? Elvis didn’t come to Scotland to sing” History



The time when the suffragettes were campaigning for the vote was the only time many women stuck to their diets. History



“Why would Glyptodonts make excellent models? They’re Pleistocene!” History



“The girl at the Ryan Air check-in desk said, “Window or aisle?” I replied, “Window or you’ll what?” Holidays



“I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said, “You don’t have much of a case.” Holidays



“I was arguing with the wife about Holidays the other day. I want to go to Morocco; she wants to come with me.” Holidays



“My wife’s going on a vacation to ‘get a break from my constant jealousy’. I wish I was going on a vacation.” Holidays



No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg….. Holidays



“After a terrible six year battle with cancer, my wife lay on her deathbed. Unfortunately I could not make out her last words. You don’t get a very good signal in the Caribbean and the Jet Ski was a little loud.” Holidays



I once went on an 18-30 holiday, which was fun, but 12yrs is just too long. Holidays



“My wife and I just had a blazing argument over the phone. She’s accusing me of being a money waster and now she’s genuinely worried that the kids will miss out this Christmas. It’s put a real dampener on my trip to Las Vegas.” Holidays



“A young guy turns up at a hotel reception: “I’d like a single room, please.” “Certainly, sir,” says the receptionist. “With bath or shower?” The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, “What’s the difference?” “You have to stand in the shower,” says the receptionist.” Holidays



“Lying on the beach this girl asked me to spray her back. Bit of a Misunderstanding and now I’m in police custody” Holidays



I’d love to reduce my carbon footprint, but it costs 120 to buy a train ticket from London to Newcastle or 2 to fly there via Barcelona. Holidays



“Went to the Canary Islands last year for a week, and I didn’t see a single canary. So, I’m off the the Virgin Islands this year. Can’t wait!” Holidays



I want to take a day trip to Calais, can anyone tell me if it’s cheaper to sail with P&O or Air France these days? Holidays



“I’ll never forget the time I had to use an oxygen mask for an Easy jet flight. It was just after the help-desk told me how much the baggage fees were.” Holidays



“I just went on a so called ‘Once in a lifetime holiday’ I’m never going to do that again.” Holidays



"How to spice up a beach holiday -Put a fin on your back and pretend to be a shark.-Get out of the water and act mentally handicapped. -Repeat until no one reacts to the sight of a fin. -Unleash a Great White shark into the water. -Sit back and watch the drama unfold." Holidays



“The hotel I was staying at last night screwed up my booking so they had to put me in the honeymoon suite. It was excellent. I was staying with a lovely young couple from Devon.” Holidays



“I hate all confectionery… bar humbug.” Holidays



What’s the betting that most of these people moaning about being stuck abroad are the same people who usually come back and complain that a week wasn’t long enough? Holidays



International Women’s Day?. Might as well call it laundry day. Holidays



BBC News: UK Families Travel Hundreds of Miles a Year with Day Trips for Kids Say what you like about Josef Fritzl’s. At least he had a low carbon footprint.” Holidays



“I’ve just come back from a diving holiday in Egypt. It cost me an arm and a leg.” Holidays



“I was looking for cheap flights online and tried to log into ‘skynet.com’ I’ve just had some big Austrian bloke at the door asking if I know someone called Sarah Connor.” Holidays



“My girlfriend was flirting with everyone while we were on holiday in Belarus. The little Minsk.” Holidays



Why oh why do people run out of the sea when it starts to rain? Holidays



“I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination. ‘‘Oooo!’‘ she says excited, ‘‘Looks like it’s the Caribbean.’‘ ‘‘Great.’‘ I replied, ‘‘Now let’s see where I’m going.’‘” Holidays



“During a recent trip to Glasgow, I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I ever saw in my life. It was a sign that said “You are now leaving Glasgow.” Holidays



“My sister is going on holiday tomorrow. I’m so jealous; Heathrow sounds lovely at this time of year.” Holidays



Remember! Christmas is for months, not just for Christmas. Holidays



If you’ve ever been single on Valentine’s Day, you’ll know what it’s like to be diabetic at Easter. Holidays



Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single. Holidays



“I’m taking a gap year next year……then a Nike year, followed by a reebok year.” Holidays



“My wife’s gone to Jordan” “Amman?” “No, she’s just got big hands, but you’re not the first to ask.” Holidays



“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, it won’t help at all but at least we won’t hear you screaming” Holidays



“I came home tonight and said to the wife, “Guess what babe? I’ve booked us a holiday!” She said, “You’re kidding! Where are we going?” I said, “Well let me put it this way. Do you like camel trekking?” She said, “Oh my God! India? Africa?” I said, “No, Blackpoll. It’s the cheapest way to get there.” Holidays



"My friend was off on holiday for a week so I bid him farewell:- “See you later mate, don't do anything I'd do!” “Don't you mean 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do?'“ “Um, well unless you'd do your mum and your ten year old sister then, no.” I don't think I'll be seeing much of him anymore." Holidays



I booked a flight the other day and the lady said, “What side do you want to sit on” and I said” The inside” Holidays



“Booked myself a holiday in Spain today. Should’ve just used a travel agent in England, took me ages to get here.” Holidays



“I hate the school Holidays. It’s only 9o’clock in the morning and there’s kids playing football in the street already. I wish they would go find something better to do, and let me drink my beer in peace.” Holidays



“My friend bungee jumped off Blackpool pier. I was quite impressed. I would not dare go to Blackpool.” Holidays



6 star hotels are a bit overrated. Holidays



“When we get back from being abroad on holiday. My wife always reminds me of a Christmas decoration. Round, red, shiny and covered in cheap gold.” Holidays



Well I’ve just Kissed my holiday goodbye. Holidays



“My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks. She added, “I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up.” I didn’t have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only had 13 sleeps and I needed to pack.” Holidays



“I and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said “Why don’t we pack each other’s suit cases?” I said “Okay sounds fun.” When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. “Very funny” I said. My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.” Holidays



“For my Wife’s Xmas I booked us a week’s holiday in Sharm el Sheikh. As a wee extra I’ve just signed her up for a 1 week intensive Scuba Diving course.” Holidays



“You know there’s nothing in this world that makes me feel quite as happy as when I told my kids that we were going to Disneyland for our Holidays this year It’s not the excitement in their faces or how happy they were, it was the total devastation when I told them it was Disneyland Paris” Holidays



The look on my sister’s face when she opens her hair clippers and oxygen canister tomorrow will be interesting. But when I explain it’s the foundation of a free trip to Disneyland she won’t be as disappointed. Holidays



“Merry Christmas everyone. And to think, 2010 years ago today… nothing happened.” Holidays



“Every year my mate says he’s going on an expensive long-haul holiday, yet every year he ends up camping in Devon. Torquays cheap.” Holidays



“I like my women like Christmas crackers… …cheap and easy to pull.” Holidays



If you get kidnapped, taken to a foreign country, then released after a while, wouldn’t you just stay a bit longer as a free holiday? Holidays



“My wife was going to leave me if I didn’t give up my obsession with the army. So as a romantic gesture, I flew all the way back from Afghanistan to take her on holiday. I probably didn’t pick the best destination, Iraq is quite cold at this time of year.” Holidays



“I propose amending the saying the rain, In Spain. Falls mainly, on the plane. To In Brazil, The thunder. Blows planes, into asunder.” Holidays



“Two planes landed back in England today. One was filled with overpaid cabin crew who will strike every other week because life isn’t as cushy as it used to be. The other charged me 80 Euro because my bag was 0.2kg heavier than they said it could be. I don’t know who I respect more. I’ll probably take the ferry next time.” Holidays



In England there’s always something wrong in summer either it’s the weather or it’s the people Holidays



“My wife and I are going on a Mediterranean cruise this summer. We’re looking forward to seeing all the famous landmarks, including a new one on this year’s itinerary, the Costa Concordia.” Holidays



I really enjoy giving my son the Christmas feel. Holidays



“As a result of recession I’m worried about Santa being mugged, so I left 7 land mines on the roof for him, might as well get in there first day!” Holidays



“Well it’s that time of year again… Handing out Sweets to young children. Except this time it’s handing them out from my house… And not the back of a van.” Holidays



“When on holiday in Mexico I asked a local why their beaches where so much better than ours. He replied “Theee food, theee sunshine and more exercise senor” Holidays



“Not sure where to go on holiday this year. It’s a choice between Thailand and Australia. So I’ve drawn up a list, outlining the Pros and Cons.” Holidays



“After he failed to pay for my honeymoon to New York, I have fallen out with my father, but when I was out there I decided to be the bigger man, so I sent him a postcard, Of the World Trade Center, Saying ‘wish you were there…’” Holidays



“I tried to tell my parents that they wouldn’t have any reception in the outback. They wouldn’t have a bar of it.” Holidays



I went to a hotel the other day, I knocked on the door, no answer, knocked again, still no answer, knocked one more time and an old woman opened the door, she said ‘what do you want?’ I said ‘I want to stay here’ she said ‘stay there then’ and shut the door Holidays



“A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.” “No, a straw,” says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already”.” Homeless



“I asked a pretty, young, Homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.” Homeless



Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish Family is unemployed and Homeless. Homeless



“A Homeless guy just approached me asking for change. I said, “Oh yeah, pal, asking me for money but I see you can afford those trendy jeans with the rips in.” Homeless



“I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen. At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, “Come on, some of us have got homes to go to.” Homeless



“I was gonna give my change to a Homeless guy today, but his sign said “ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU.” So I held onto it, just in case he was right.” Homeless



“Why did the tramp cross the road? To get to the other Cider.” Homeless



“What is the best thing about dating a “Homeless” woman? You can drop her off anywhere.” Homeless



Has anyone else noticed the Irony that the preferred drink of London’s Homeless community is called Tenants? Homeless



“I always try and date Homeless girls. It’s easier to get them to stay over.” Homeless



Some smelly Homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked “‘ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?” so I said “ yes here’s twenty, get me one” Homeless



“At the tube station earlier I saw a Homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.” He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.” Homeless



I wonder where 90% of the Homeless have THEIR accidents. Homeless



“My wife said she’s leaving me because I act like a tramp. I begged her not to go.” Homeless



“There was a demonstration by Homeless people in town today. They were demanding change.” Homeless



“A Homeless guy knocked on my door last night: “Excuse me, do you have any spare food?” “Yeah, do you mind if it’s yesterday’s dinner?” “Not at all.” “Come back tomorrow then.” Homeless



“I was on a date with a bird I met outside the supermarket. I confided, “I have to admit, I’ve spent a small amount of time inside.” “Oh my god!” she shrieked. “You’ve been to prison?” I said, “No, I’m Homeless.” Homeless



Homeless people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog. Homeless



“When I see Homeless people on the streets with their empty cups, I like to chip in. It’s certainly cheaper than crazy golf.” Homeless



My wife wants a divorce because I keep making Jokes about the Homeless. She must be overreacting because it’s not a big issue. Homeless



Statistically, the Homeless 8/10 dumpsters the other day. Homeless



Solve the world’s problems, Make the Hungry eat the Homeless Homeless



“Overhead power Cables Putting the amps into tramps.” Homeless



“I dropped my wallet earlier and a Homeless man chased me down to give it back. I was so amazed I took out all of my money and gave him a free wallet.” Homeless



“I got stopped by a Homeless guy today. “Can you spare me something for a cup of tea?” he asked. I gave him half my Twix.” Homeless



“What do tramps do in this cold weather? Die.” Homeless



I was waiting at a bus stop the other day and couldn’t help wondering, “If I was a tramp, would I be home by now”. Homeless



“I said to a guy “I’ve had more women than you’ve had hot dinners”. I now realize tramps don’t have a sense of humour.” Homeless



“This bloke came up to me in the street today with his hand held out and said, “Fifty pence for a cup of tea mate.” I said, “Go on then, milk two sugars.” Homeless



“Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs. How many cats do you see sat by a Homeless person?” Homeless



A tramp asked me for a pound yesterday. I asked him if he`d got change for a twenty. Homeless



I picked up a sandwich in the local Subway earlier… I’m a tramp Homeless



“I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, “It’s my last copy mate”. I said, “Lucky you! You’ll get home early tonight then” Homeless



Homeless Guy goes to the Doctors, The Doctor examines him and says, “Here take this three times a day with water”, “What is it?” asks the Homeless Guy, Doctor Replies “Soap” Homeless



“I walked past a beggar today with a dog. I thought, “how can he afford to keep a dog if he can’t even afford to feed himself?” Some people have got more money than sense.” Homeless



“The biggest cause of Homeless peoples deaths? My hammer.” Homeless



I truly admire the ambition of beggars who sit beside ATMs Homeless



“More rioting set for London streets. Here is the postcode for your sat nav. N16 6ER.” Homeless



“The Fosters advert shows Brits asking two Aussies for social advice. Surely that’s like asking a Homeless person for advice about mortgages.” Homeless



“A bloke knocked at the door this morning collecting for the Homeless. So I gave him some old cardboard and my daughter’s recorder.” Homeless



“I hate when jobless people say they’re ‘between jobs’ you never hear a tramp saying “I’m between homes”.” Homeless



“I feel bad for the Homeless. They’ll never be able to enjoy a glade plug in!” Homeless



Begging for spare change in the street must be very humiliating. For this reason, before I hand over my 10p, I make the tramp do a little dance for me and my mates. That way, he has provided a service and has earned the money, thereby gaining some self-respect. Homeless



Mortgages in Britain are getting more expensive by the day but you try explaining to a Homeless person how lucky they are, they just don’t appreciate it Homeless



“I knew my new girlfriend was desperate for it, from the moment she approached me with her first chat up line. “Any change mate?” Homeless



“There was a French Homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the “biggest shoe” complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine” Homeless



“I saw in the news today that the Russian government has introduced a new program to deal with the problem of Homeless people in the Moscow area. They call it “winter”.” Homeless



“I set up a game of “Pick the hat” on the street yesterday. A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, “So, which hat?” He looked confused and just walked away. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.” Homeless



I’m surprised all the Homeless people don’t rob as much as they do. If they get away with it great, if not they end up inside. It’s a win situation. Homeless



“I saw a man huddled up in a shop doorway today, and he said, “Enough money for a cup of tea sir?” “Yes, I have actually”, I replied, feeling rather smug, as I walked on by.” Homeless



Tramps…when given ‘change for a cuppa’ why not put it towards a kettle and teabags. Its far more economical long term. Homeless



I feel sorry for the people who sell the Big Issue, most of them have been trying to sell their last copy for the past 2 years. Homeless



“I asked a Homeless guy where he was from. He said, “I’m originally from just outside.” Homeless



When Moat shot himself apparently, he Roauled over. Homeless



“A report has found that Homeless people are more likely to believe in God than non-Homeless people. That beggars belief.” Homeless



“I’ve just seen a dead tramp floating down a river. He was a lonely drifter.” Homeless



The BBC are to commission a new TV show about tramps on heroin. It’s called Bins & Needles. Homeless



“Recently I’ve been doing my bit to help stop the onslaught of global warming. Not because I care about the environment; I just hate the Homeless.” Homeless



“My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He obviously knows about our financial problems because we’re all standing outside of our house.” Homeless



“Where would you find a black Jewish tramp? Stealing from the bargain bin.” Homeless



A Homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, ‘He’s just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.’ And then I thought, ‘that’s what I’m gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?’ Homeless



“I only go for women who I know will be dirty in bed. Generally, Big Issue sellers.” Homeless



“There are thousands of starving Homeless people on the streets of London, there are also thousands of unwanted stray pets on the streets of London. Does it really take a genius to work out the solution?” Homeless



“Where do you find a Homeless women? In the soup kitchen” Homeless



Don’t you just hate how over-reactive Homeless people are? They make a big-issue about everything! Homeless



“A tramp stopped me in the street earlier. “Any odd change on you mate?” He frowned. “Only even sorry,” I replied.” Homeless



“I had between 5 and 6 whisky chasers last night. I really wish the off license wasn’t next to the Homeless shelter.” Homeless



“Did you know?…. …that if we collected together all of the money from wasted electricity in one day…. ….and gave it to the Homeless…. …..they’d probably spend it on booze.” Homeless



“I tried to get the local tramp to play football down the park, He had a couple of good games but ended up on the bench for the rest of the day.” Homeless



How come all the supposedly Homeless people in London seem to be sleeping in doors? Homeless



Advice for enterprising tramps and Homeless. Invest in a card swipe machine for those awkward occasions when your target ‘doesn’t have any change’ on them. Homeless



“Just walked out of the shop and tramp approached me and said, “Have you got a spare cigarette?” I said, “Hang on a minute, mate,” as I took a full pack from my pocket and opened them… I said, “No, mate, there’s only 20 in it.” Homeless



“I saw a tramp today who had a rough beard, torn clothes and long dirty fingernails. I could smell him a mile away and he looked freezing. Totally helpless he was, I felt sorry for him. Glad I’m not like that, I’d hate to be in his shoe.” Homeless



“A beggar asked me today if I had any spare change. I told him that I was sorry and that I’d left it at home in my spare wallet.” Homeless



“Walking through town today and my girlfriend said she felt sorry for all the Homeless people. I thought “Get a grip. Look how much money they save on house insurance” Homeless



“Apparently Premier Inn’s now got a franchise that caters for the Homeless as well. It’s called Premier Out.” Homeless



Top Tip- Big Issue publishers, help the Homeless by giving them something to sell that people might actually want to buy. Homeless



“I like to do my bit to help get the Homeless off the streets… A couple of laxatives in their meths usually does the trick.” Homeless



“I find it quite difficult to feel sorry for the Homeless in this type of weather. I mean, it’s not like I can even see them buried under the 16 inches of snow anyway.” Homeless



“Did you know that 90 percent of of all accidents occur in the home? It’s a fun fact, and it’s also the line I use to cheer up a Homeless guy when I don’t want to give him any money.” Homeless



‘Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near’…I sang to the crazy old Homeless woman who feeds the pigeons Homeless



So I was talking to this Homeless guy on MSN and I thought “Wait a minute…” Homeless



“High winds severely damaged a Homeless shelter in northern England on Monday. Rescuers are on the scene with new boxes and sticky tape.” Homeless



“Was playing bingo with a Homeless man today. After a few numbers he remarks, “I’ve got a line.” I said “Yeah. Well I’ve got a house.” Homeless



“After spending a week in London I saw many sad, Homeless people. Which made me realize how fortunate I really am. I never have to go back there again.” Homeless



“What could we all do to help the Homeless population in this country? I think it’s a big issue.” Homeless



I don’t know why, but on the London underground all the dogs seem to have pet tramps. Homeless



So I’m walking down the street and this man is sitting on the floor outside JD sports with a blanket, a dog, a guitar and a bucket of money. Suddenly, in a spontaneous act of kindness he lifts up the bucket and says “spare change”, so I haistely grabbed a handful and treated myself to a McDonalds. Homeless



“I was at a Calvin Harris gig the other day and the announcer said “please, give a big London welcome to Calvin Harris!”, so I stuck my hand out and asked for spare change” Homeless



“They say ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ I disagree, I gave a tramp a fiver yesterday and I’m pretty sure he choose to buy smack with it.” Homeless



“I went to the box office earlier, or as Homeless people call it, the estate agents.” Homeless



“I don’t know why everyone complains about petrol being so dear at 1.40 a Litre. It’s 15 for a Litre of Vodka!” Homeless



You know when you’ve got a bad hangover when the ‘Big Issue’ bloke gives you a quid……….. Homeless



“I have decided, I am not going to give money to Homeless people anymore. Instead I’m going to give them a house brick as a first step toward owning their own home.” Homeless



“As it is the festive season I gave 2 quid to a Homeless midget and he thanked me in French. I’m always grateful for small Mercy’s.” Homeless



“I’ve got one more Big Issue to sell then I can go home. Oh wait….” Homeless



“A Homeless man caught me with a Jewish girl sitting on my face. It made me feel sorry for him. At least I had a Ruth over my head.” Homeless



Homeless people-You wouldn’t be half as poor as you are if you didn’t waste all your money on sharpies and cardboard. Homeless



“I only date Homeless girls. They are absolutely filthy in bed.” Homeless



“I painted a Homeless guy who was asleep on a park bench tonight. If he’s still there tomorrow, I’ll give him another coat.” Homeless




“What did the Homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing.” Homeless



“My parents were so proud of me when I told them I got a job working for a well-known magazine in the sales department. It just sounds so much better than ‘Big Issue seller’” Homeless



“Shelter have issued a press release to warn of how bad a harsh winter can be for rough sleepers. It’s an absolute pack of lies; we’re only 3 weeks into the cold-snap and already the number of Homeless people has fallen dramatically.” Homeless



“I was walking down the street, then a Homeless man said to me, “Can you please spare me a sorry?” I said, “What?” He said, “I beg your pardon.” Homeless



“I walked past a Homeless man today and he shouted to me, ‘Have you got a pound for a sandwich?’ I replied, ‘Show me the sandwich and i’ll give you a pound for it!’” Homeless



“I spent a week working in the Salvation Army laundry. I now know what they mean by ‘skid row’.” Homeless



“Why don’t you see many Homeless black guys? Would you smile if you were Homeless and black?” Homeless



“While walking through town a tramp asked “Any spare change mate?” I replied “Yes, I’ve got over 170 in a bottle at home”.” Homeless



“It’s said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife. She likes to help Homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground.” Homeless



I wonder how long it will be until Tramps accept Chip n Pin. Homeless



I hate going to the club with Homeless people. They don’t have a roof to raise, which makes them horrible dancers. Homeless



Alcohol hand rub confuses the Homeless. Homeless



All the tramps in Sheffield are really shifty. I know they’re selling something on street corners but every time I get close they either hide it under their jackets or run away. I can’t see what the big issue is! Homeless



“I walked up to a tramp today and said, “If you answer this question correctly, you will be in with a chance of winning one million pounds. Would you like to try?” His eyes lit up, “Yes please!” I said, “Right then. What is 50p + 50p?” He screamed, “One Pound!” So I give him one and told him to go buy a Lottery ticket.” Homeless



“I was walking past a tramp earlier, but ignored him as I was in a rush. ‘How do you sleep at night?!’ he shouted at me. ‘In wonderful comfort thanks,’ I said, ‘how about you?’” Homeless



I would never work as a big issue seller, it’s so badly paid, and everyone who does it seems to end up Homeless. Homeless



“If you’re Homeless it may feel that the whole world is looking down on you. But that’s only because you’re sitting on the ground.” Homeless



“Living rough in a cardboard box has its advantages. Whenever I take a bird back and nail them they usually don’t like to stick around for cuddles.” Homeless



Why is everyone making such a big issue out of Homelessness? Homeless



“A tramp came to me and said, “alright mate do you want to buy some weed from me? I need to pay for a room tonight and its top stuff.” I turned to him and said, “there’s a cop there, say that to him and you’ll be inside for a while.” Homeless



“I used to like walking around insulting hobos. But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home.” Homeless



“I was walking down the road with my work colleagues when a Homeless guy came up to me and asked, “Can you spare some coppers?” “Yes”, I replied, “Arrest that smelly tramp”.” Homeless



“A study shows that lots of time spent outdoors leads to better eyesight. Which explains why you never see a Homeless guy in Specsavers.” Homeless



“Queues of people camped outside the Stadium of Light in Sunderland to get their hands on Take that tickets. One local resident said it was the best standard of living she’d ever experienced.” Homeless



“I love it when you’re just strolling down the high-street, and someone offers you a freebie. Like earlier, there was this funny looking geezer waving a hat full of 10p’s at me, very nice of him.” Homeless



For sale: tumble dryer, sleeps one. Homeless



“I was walking through the park and I saw an old guy doing Tai Chi. I watched him for a while, marveling at his moves. Only when I got closer did I see it was a tramp trying to put on his coat.” Homeless



“A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I had any loose change. I jiggled my trouser pocket and said, “It appears that I do.” I thanked him for his interest and walked on” Homeless



“I’d love to help the Homeless people…. I just don’t know where they live.” Homeless



“I was in London the other day and this tramp came up to me and said, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food in a week.” I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.” Homeless



79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the Homeless. Homeless



“A man approached me in the street. “Can you spare 20p please? I’m Homeless.” I said, “You won’t find a house for 20 pence around here mate.” Homeless



Wouldn’t tramps make more money if they stopped working from home? Homeless



I was wondering if my shoes looked too tight because every time I walk through town I seem to get some Homeless crack junky asking me if I want to buy a bigger shoe. Homeless



“I came out of Woolworths the other day and saw a scruffy bloke. He was playing the guitar and singing, “When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, Magical.” I said, “That’s Super tramp”, he said, “Ah thanks very much”.” Homeless



“Saw a hobo walking down the street the other day wearing only one shoe. “You alright mate?” I asked “Have you lost your shoe?” He replied “No I found one…” Homeless



Some smelly Homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked “‘ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?” so I said “ yes here’s twenty, get me one” Homeless



“At the tube station earlier I saw a Homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.” He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.” Homeless



I wonder where 90% of the Homeless have THEIR accidents. Homeless



“My wife said she’s leaving me because I act like a tramp. I begged her not to go.” Homeless



“There was a demonstration by Homeless people in town today. They were demanding change.” Homeless



“A Homeless guy knocked on my door last night: “Excuse me, do you have any spare food?” “Yeah, do you mind if it’s yesterday’s dinner?” “Not at all.” “Come back tomorrow then.” Homeless



“I was on a date with a bird I met outside the supermarket. I confided, “I have to admit, I’ve spent a small amount of time inside.” “Oh my god!” she shrieked. “You’ve been to prison?” I said, “No, I’m Homeless.” Homeless



Homeless people. Lighten your load by not buying a dog. Homeless



“When I see Homeless people on the streets with their empty cups, I like to chip in. It’s certainly cheaper than crazy golf.” Homeless



My wife wants a divorce because I keep making Jokes about the Homeless. She must be overreacting because it’s not a big issue. Homeless



Statistically, the Homeless 8/10 dumpsters the other day. Homeless



“I’ve just walked up to a freezing tramp holding a Big Mac and a cup of coffee. I asked, “Are you hungry mate?” He smiled reservedly and answered, “Yes, I’m starving.” “Well I don’t usually help your kind out,” I said, “But, about 100 yards down there, you can probably find the gherkin I chucked from this burger.” Homeless



“I just told my mate that I mugged a Homeless guy. He says I have big issues.” Homeless



“They say ‘there’s no such thing as a free lunch’ I beg to differ, literally, I’m a tramp.” Homeless



I saw two Homeless people kissing the other day. I said, “get a room.” Homeless



“I’ve just seen a guy lying on a bit of cardboard in a subway, playing a harmonica to earn some money. It’s nice to see not every one’s out of work because of the recession.” Homeless



Solve the world’s problems, Make the Hungry eat the Homeless Homeless



“Overhead power Cables Putting the amps into tramps.” Homeless



“I dropped my wallet earlier and a Homeless man chased me down to give it back. I was so amazed I took out all of my money and gave him a free wallet.” Homeless



“I got stopped by a Homeless guy today. “Can you spare me something for a cup of tea?” he asked. I gave him half my Twix.” Homeless



“What do tramps do in this cold weather? Die.” Homeless



I was waiting at a bus stop the other day and couldn’t help wondering, “If I was a tramp, would I be home by now”. Homeless



“I said to a guy “I’ve had more women than you’ve had hot dinners”. I now realize tramps don’t have a sense of humour.” Homeless



“This bloke came up to me in the street today with his hand held out and said, “Fifty pence for a cup of tea mate.” I said, “Go on then, milk two sugars.” Homeless



“Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs. How many cats do you see sat by a Homeless person?” Homeless



A tramp asked me for a pound yesterday. I asked him if he`d got change for a twenty. Homeless



We must all do our part in the battle to curtail the increasing problem of anti-social begging on our streets. We must make it clear we will not surrender our hard earned cash to these ubiquitous beggars. When I am asked for change in the street, I let them know in no uncertain terms they will not be receiving a penny from me by quickening my pace, looking at my shoes and mumbling “sorry, no”. Homeless



“Dogs are clever because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it’s theirs. Imagine if people did that, the Homeless would own everything.” Homeless



How come tramps are such good guitarists? Homeless



“I find my girlfriend is becoming increasingly dirty in bed. Mind you, she is Homeless after all.” Homeless



“On the box of matches I bought it says Danger Fire Kills Children! That’s misleading because it had the same effect on the tramp I set fire to.” Homeless



“I never give money to Homeless people because, 1. They probably make more money than I do. 2. They get to work from home. 3. They drink on the job.” Homeless



“A guy went into a bar and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.” Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?” The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.” The guy responded, “Let me take a look.” So the drunk handed it over and the guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste. I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?” The drunk replied, “Out of my nose”.” Homeless



I picked up a sandwich in the local Subway earlier… I’m a tramp Homeless



“I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, “It’s my last copy mate”. I said, “Lucky you! You’ll get home early tonight then” Homeless



Homeless Guy goes to the Doctors, The Doctor examines him and says, “Here take this three times a day with water”, “What is it?” asks the Homeless Guy, Doctor Replies “Soap” Homeless



“I walked past a beggar today with a dog. I thought, “how can he afford to keep a dog if he can’t even afford to feed himself?” Some people have got more money than sense.” Homeless



“The biggest cause of Homeless peoples deaths? My hammer.” Homeless



I truly admire the ambition of beggars who sit beside ATMs Homeless



“More rioting set for London streets. Here is the postcode for your sat nav. N16 6ER.” Homeless



“The Fosters advert shows Brits asking two Aussies for social advice. Surely that’s like asking a Homeless person for advice about mortgages.” Homeless



“A bloke knocked at the door this morning collecting for the Homeless. So I gave him some old cardboard and my daughter’s recorder.” Homeless



“I hate when jobless people say they’re ‘between jobs’ you never hear a tramp saying “I’m between homes”.” Homeless



“I feel bad for the Homeless. They’ll never be able to enjoy a glade plug in!” Homeless



Begging for spare change in the street must be very humiliating. For this reason, before I hand over my 10p, I make the tramp do a little dance for me and my mates. That way, he has provided a service and has earned the money, thereby gaining some self-respect. Homeless



Mortgages in Britain are getting more expensive by the day but you try explaining to a Homeless person how lucky they are, they just don’t appreciate it Homeless



“I knew my new girlfriend was desperate for it, from the moment she approached me with her first chat up line. “Any change mate?” Homeless



“There was a French Homeless man down my local high street who claimed for a quid we could see the “biggest shoe” complete con man, I ended up walking off aggrieved with a poor quality magazine” Homeless



“I saw in the news today that the Russian government has introduced a new program to deal with the problem of Homeless people in the Moscow area. They call it “winter”.” Homeless



“I set up a game of “Pick the hat” on the street yesterday. A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, “So, which hat?” He looked confused and just walked away. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.” Homeless



I’m surprised all the Homeless people don’t rob as much as they do. If they get away with it great, if not they end up inside. It’s a win win situation. Homeless



“I saw a man huddled up in a shop doorway today, and he said, “Enough money for a cup of tea sir?” “Yes, I have actually”, I replied, feeling rather smug, as I walked on by.” Homeless



Tramps…when given ‘change for a cuppa’ why not put it towards a kettle and teabags. Its far more economical long term. Homeless



I feel sorry for the people who sell the Big Issue, most of them have been trying to sell their last copy for the past 2 years. Homeless



“There’s that old cliché of a Dad not having much faith in his son, but my Dad always inspired and encouraged me. Like the time when he said to me ‘Son, I want you to go far.’ He then handed me a train ticket to London, handed me my already-packed bags, and shut the door in my face. What a guy.” Homeless



“I asked a Homeless guy where he was from. He said, “I’m originally from just outside.” Homeless



When Moat shot himself apparently, he Roauled over. Homeless



“A report has found that Homeless people are more likely to believe in God than non-Homeless people. That beggars belief.” Homeless



“I’ve just seen a dead tramp floating down a river. He was a lonely drifter.” Homeless



The BBC are to commission a new TV show about tramps on heroin. It’s called Bins & Needles. Homeless



“Recently I’ve been doing my bit to help stop the onslaught of global warming. Not because I care about the environment; I just hate the Homeless.” Homeless



“My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our Family. He obviously knows about our financial problems because we’re all standing outside of our house.” Homeless



“Where would you find a black Jewish tramp? Stealing from the bargain bin.” Homeless



A Homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, ‘He’s just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.’ And then I thought, ‘that’s what I’m gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?’ Homeless



“I only go for women who I know will be dirty in bed. Generally, Big Issue sellers.” Homeless



“There are thousands of starving Homeless people on the streets of London, there are also thousands of unwanted stray pets on the streets of London. Does it really take a genius to work out the solution?” Homeless



“Where do you find a Homeless women? In the soup kitchen” Homeless



Don’t you just hate how over-reactive Homeless people are? They make a big-issue about everything! Homeless



“A tramp stopped me in the street earlier. “Any odd change on you mate?” He frowned. “Only even sorry,” I replied.” Homeless



“I had between 5 and 6 whisky chasers last night. I really wish the off license wasn’t next to the Homeless shelter.” Homeless



“Did you know…that if we collected together all of the money from wasted electricity in one day…. ….and gave it to the Homeless…. …..they’d probably spend it on booze.” Homeless



“I tried to get the local tramp to play football down the park, He had a couple of good games but ended up on the bench for the rest of the day.” Homeless



How come all the supposedly Homeless people in London seem to be sleeping in doors? Homeless



Advice for enterprising tramps and Homeless. Invest in a card swipe machine for those awkward occasions when your target ‘doesn’t have any change’ on them. Homeless



“Just walked out of the shop and tramp approached me and said, “Have you got a spare cigarette?” I said, “Hang on a minute, mate,” as I took a full pack from my pocket and opened them… I said, “No, mate, there’s only 20 in it.” Homeless



“I saw a tramp today who had a rough beard, torn clothes and long dirty fingernails. I could smell him a mile away and he looked freezing. Totally helpless he was, I felt sorry for him. Glad I’m not like that, I’d hate to be in his shoe.” Homeless



“A beggar asked me today if I had any spare change. I told him that I was sorry and that I’d left it at home in my spare wallet.” Homeless



“There’s an old trampy guy who lives in a battered old shed near me. He’s always smiling. The other day I said to him, “What’s the secret of happiness, mate?” He said, “Throw away all your possessions!” I said, “How can that make you happy?” He said, “I need your tally and video for my shed!” Homeless



“Walking through town today and my girlfriend said she felt sorry for all the Homeless people. I thought “Get a grip. Look how much money they save on house insurance” Homeless



“Apparently Premier Inn’s now got a franchise that caters for the Homeless as well. it’s called Premier Out.” Homeless



Top Tip- Big Issue publishers, help the Homeless by giving them something to sell that people might actually want to buy. Homeless



“I like to do my bit to help get the Homeless off the streets… A couple of laxatives in their meths usually does the trick.” Homeless



“I find it quite difficult to feel sorry for the Homeless in this type of weather. I mean, it’s not like I can even see them buried under the 16 inches of snow anyway.” Homeless



“Did you know that 90 percent of all accidents occur in the home? It’s a fun fact, and it’s also the line I use to cheer up a Homeless guy when I don’t want to give him any money.” Homeless



‘Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near’…I sang to the crazy old Homeless woman who feeds the pigeons Homeless



So I was talking to this Homeless guy on MSN and I thought “Wait a minute…” Homeless



“High winds severely damaged a Homeless shelter in northern England on Monday. Rescuers are on the scene with new boxes and sticky tape.” Homeless



“Was playing bingo with a Homeless man today. After a few numbers he remarks, “I’ve got a line.” I said “Yeah. Well I’ve got a house.” Homeless



“After spending a week in London I saw many sad, Homeless people. Which made me realize how fortunate I really am. I never have to go back there again.” Homeless



“What could we all do to help the Homeless population in this country? I think it’s a big issue.” Homeless



I don’t know why, but on the London underground all the dogs seem to have pet tramps. Homeless



So I’m walking down the street and this man is sitting on the floor outside JD sports with a blanket, a dog, a guitar and a bucket of money. Suddenly, in a spontaneous act of kindness he lifts up the bucket and says “spare change”, so i haistely grabbed a hand full and treated myself to a McDonalds. Homeless



“I was at a Calvin Harris gig the other day and the announcer said “please, give a big London welcome to Calvin Harris!”, so I stuck my hand out and asked for spare change” Homeless



“They say ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ I disagree, I gave a tramp a fiver yesterday and I’m pretty sure he choose to buy smack with it.” Homeless



“I went to the box office earlier, or as Homeless people call it, the estate agents.” Homeless



“I don’t know why everyone complains about petrol being so dear at 1.40 a Litre. It’s 15 for a Litre of Vodka!” Homeless



You know when you’ve got a bad hangover when the ‘Big Issue’ bloke gives you a quid……….. Homeless



“I have decided, I am not going to give money to Homeless people anymore. Instead I’m going to give them a house brick as a first step toward owning their own home.” Homeless



“As it is the festive season I gave 2 quid to a Homeless midget and he thanked me in French. I’m always grateful for small Merci’s.” Homeless



“I’ve got one more Big Issue to sell then I can go home. Oh wait….” Homeless



“A Homeless man caught me with a Jewish girl sitting on my face. It made me feel sorry for him. At least I had a Ruth over my head.” Homeless



Homeless people-You wouldn’t be half as poor as you are if you didn’t waste all your money on sharpies and cardboard. Homeless



“I only date Homeless girls. They are absolutely filthy in bed.” Homeless



“I painted a Homeless guy who was asleep on a park bench tonight. If he’s still there tomorrow, I’ll give him another coat.” Homeless



“What did the Homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing.” Homeless



“My parents were so proud of me when I told them I got a job working for a well-known magazine in the sales department. It just sounds so much better than ‘Big Issue seller’” Homeless



“Shelter have issued a press release to warn of how bad a harsh winter can be for rough sleepers. It’s an absolute pack of lies; we’re only 3 weeks into the cold-snap and already the number of Homeless people has fallen dramatically.” Homeless



“I was walking down the street, then a Homeless man said to me, “Can you please spare me a sorry?” I said, “What?” He said, “I beg your pardon.” Homeless



“I walked past a Homeless man today and he shouted to me, ‘Have you got a pound for a sandwich?’ I replied, ‘Show me the sandwich and I’ll give you a pound for it!’” Homeless



“I spent a week working in the Salvation Army laundry. I now know what they mean by ‘skid row’.” Homeless



“Why don’t you see many Homeless black guys? Would you smile if you were Homeless and black?” Homeless



“My mum used to say I’d never amount to anything. If only she could see me now, with my very own bed in the Homeless shelter.” Homeless



“I saw a Homeless guy sat in a doorway, holding his hand out. So I pulled some loose change out my pocket and handed him fifty pence. He pointed to a pound coin and said “Can I have that?” I said, “Beggars can’t be choosers mate.” Homeless



We’ve all been told to feel sorry for the Homeless, but how can we when they have better Christmas lights than we do Homeless



“I helped a Homeless guy move house today. I kicked his cardboard box out of my shop doorway.” Homeless



“I’ve decided to become a true humanitarian and support a shelter for the Homeless in my neighborhood. It’ll keep the flies away from my house.” Homeless



“Those Big Issue sellers need to move with the times. Getting up early to sell magazines on the streets – why don’t they use eBay from the comfort of their homes? Then they’d have time for a bath and a shave too.” Homeless



“Today I was in a really happy mood. I decided to go on my casual stroll around my area, you know? Breathe in the fresh air. But then I came across a tramp. “Please Sir, can I have some money? My bank account has been hacked into and I’ve lost my house, car, bed and everything!” So, me being generous, I gave him a 1000 cheque. You should have seen the look on his face.” Homeless



“If you can’t afford an Xbox or PS3 I’ve found a cheaper way you can entertain yourself. Drop pennies in the middle of multiple Homeless people. Same thing applies gary glitter, his mates, and a small child. And Fat fighters and a cupcake. Ethiopians and food.” Homeless



“Change is good… …ask a tramp.” Homeless



Anyone else see the Irony in tramps drinking Tenants? Homeless



“I’ve just been sniffing glue with all the local tramps. We’re out of our boxes!” Homeless



“The best player in our football team is a tramp, he learned his skills on the street and has wonderful ability. The only problem is he never turns up for home games.” Homeless



“As I was walking through central London in the early hours of this morning, I kept seeing people sleeping in shop doorways and alleys. I thought they would’ve been grateful when I woke them up to tell them that they had missed the royal wedding and it was time to go home, but if anything it just seemed to leave them feeling distressed.” Homeless



“I got told by a tramp that I socialize too much. I said ‘you can’t talk, you’re out all the time’.” Homeless



“People say that I’m not very charitable. Usually the Homeless after I punch them.” Homeless



“I’ve just been arrested for feeding a wagon wheel to a Homeless guy. Apparently he got a splinter in his mouth.” Homeless



“I walked up to a tramp holding out a fiver. As he smiled at me, I said “Got any change?” Homeless



“I’ve got a bone to pick with you “said the generous tramp. Homeless



“While walking through town a tramp asked “Any spare change mate?” I replied “Yes, I’ve got over 170 in a bottle at home”.” Homeless



“Its said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife. She likes to help Homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground.” Homeless



I wonder how long it will be until Tramps accept Chip n Pin. Homeless



I hate going to the club with Homeless people. They don’t have a roof to raise, which makes them horrible dancers. Homeless



Alcohol hand rub confuses the Homeless. Homeless



All the tramps in Sheffield are really shifty. I know they’re selling something on street corners but every time I get close they either hide it under their jackets or run away. I can’t see what the big issue is! Homeless



“I walked up to a tramp today and said, “If you answer this question correctly, you will be in with a chance of winning one million pounds. Would you like to try?” His eyes lit up, “Yes please!” I said, “Right then. What is 50p + 50p?” He screamed, “One Pound!” So I give him one and told him to go buy a Lottery ticket.” Homeless



“I was walking past a tramp earlier, but ignored him as i was in a rush. ‘How do you sleep at night?!’ he shouted at me. ‘In wonderful comfort thanks,’ I said, ‘how about you?’” Homeless



I would never work as a big issue seller, it’s so badly paid, and everyone who does it seems to end up Homeless. Homeless



“If you’re Homeless it may feel that the whole world is looking down on you. But that’s only because you’re sitting on the ground.” Homeless



“Living rough in a cardboard box has its advantages. Whenever I take a bird back and nail them they usually don’t like to stick around for cuddles.” Homeless



Why is everyone making such a big issue out of Homelessness? Homeless



“A tramp came to me and said, “alright mate do you want to buy some weed from me? I need to pay for a room tonight and its top stuff.” I turned to him and said, “there’s a cop there, say that to him and you’ll be inside for a while.” Homeless



“I used to like walking around insulting hobos. But I got bored because it seemed like the insults never hit home.” Homeless



“I was walking down the road with my work colleagues when a Homeless guy came up to me and asked, “Can you spare some coppers?” “Yes”, I replied, “Arrest that smelly tramp”.” Homeless



“A study shows that lots of time spent outdoors leads to better eyesight. Which explains why you never see a Homeless guy in Specsavers.” Homeless



“Queues of people camped outside the Stadium of Light in Sunderland to get their hands on Take that tickets. One local resident said it was the best standard of living she’d ever experienced.” Homeless



“I love it when you’re just strolling down the high-street, and someone offers you a freebie. Like earlier, there was this funny looking geezer waving a hat full of 10p’s at me, very nice of him.” Homeless



“Thieves stole a charity box full of money from a Salvation Army worker. Ironically, the money still went to the Homeless.” Homeless



“I never used to agree with arsonists setting fire to houses, until I became Homeless. Now I’ve started to warm to them.” Homeless



“Ahh I love April fool’s day. Although I prefer to call it “tease the Homeless day” Homeless



“I saw a poor old tramp in my local supermarket, just looking at all the freshly baked loafs of bread, I approached him, put my arm round him and said, “I’ll help you out, which way did you come in?” Homeless



“Walking down the street this morning, I came across 2 Homeless guys kissing. Disgusted, I told them to ‘Get a room’. The expression on their faces were priceless!” Homeless



“My friend wants to be a bin man when he’s older. He’s got rubbish aspirations.” Homeless



The trouble with the beggars on the street nowadays is that they just don’t look the part. You know, if they just thought to put on a suit or cover up their stump I might send a little cash their way. Homeless



“I’ve been down on my luck recently and ended up living in the windmill at a crazy golf course. The owner keeps trying to move me, but I’m staying putt.” Homeless



“I was disgusted as I watched a tramp take a Bigmac out of the bin and start to eat it. But then he took the gherkin out.” Homeless



A Homeless man took his girlfriend in for dinner. Homeless



I saw a black Homeless midget today. Seriously God, I mean bad luck is one thing but this is just overboard. Homeless



“I saw a Homeless guy cowering in a doorway holding an old newspaper over his head sheltering from the heavy rain. “I couldn’t help but notice but it looks like you could do with a place to take shelter for the night,” I said as I leaned in to help him to his feet. “Oh yes, thank you sir,” he beamed with a glimmer of hope. “I thought so,” I replied, “my neighbours have gone away for the week, If you follow me I think you’ll find that their wheelie bin is empty.” Homeless



As my 5 year-old son and I carved the pumpkin today, I swear I heard him say, “That’s what happens to snitches.” Homeless



“Walked down an alley full of Homeless people and they wouldn’t let me back out. I was boxed in.” Homeless



The other day, I saw a Homeless woman and her child begging for money. I presume it was ‘bring your child to work day’ Homeless



Homeless people- more money than sense. Homeless



“There’s this Homeless guy that I always see in my route to work. And because of that I always make sure to keep a few extra coins in my wallet. You know, for show off.” Homeless



I used to like the clean-shaven look, but my new beard is growing on me! Homeless



Top tip: Picking up aluminum cans along the streets can bring you some extra cash; but by pouring the dregs into a single can, you can stop and refresh yourself from time to time. Homeless



“Well, didn’t get one trick o’ treated bothering me last night. I think it’s the one night of the year I appreciate being Homeless,” Homeless



“A tramp stopped me in the street and asked, “Any change?” Being a werewolf I advised him to hang on till the full moon, then he’d see plenty.” Homeless



“How can you tell if a beggar is faking it for the money? Tell them a knock knock Joke and see if they answer.” Homeless



“Yay! Sickipedia’s back! I don’t know what I’d do without Sickipedia… Probably go out, socialize, make some friends, get a girlfriend, and get a job…” Internet



Following the huge success of Facebook, they are releasing a new website just for the black people among us. The web address is www.junglebook.com Internet



Intel bought McAfee for USD 7 Billion. Wonder why? They could have simply downloaded it for free. Internet



“What’s the best thing about the new Internet Explorer? You can use it to download Firefox.” Internet



I’m glad to see that Google have not forgotten the issue of third world famine with their logo today; an Ethiopian Family portrait. Internet



With all these immigrants arriving, I’m beginning to wonder how long it will take Sickipedia to become Sickipedia. Internet



“Yesterday I set my wife’s name to “Hack this if you can”. When I checked it today, it was called “Challenge accepted”.” Internet



“The secrets of a happy marriage… Tools, Internet options, Clear History, Delete files, Delete cookies.” Internet



“What is the biggest lie ever? “I have read and agree to the terms of use.” Internet



“I’ve just come out of a coma after 14 years, and Windows 95 was my idea.” Internet



“What’s the difference between my girlfriend and Sickipedia? My girlfriend only goes down on my birthday.” Internet



Sometimes when my Internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works. Internet



"hypocrisy |hipkris| noun ( pl. -sies) the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behaviour does not conform; e.g. forming a website by changing the 'w' in 'Wikipedia' to an 's' and adding a 'c', then complaining about duplication, plagiarism and copyright theft." Internet



“Our Sickipedia which art online, shallow be thy name. Thy sickos come, thy will be done, at home as it is online. Give us this day our daily Library gag. And forgive us our duplicates, as we forgive them that duplicate against us. And lead us not into statistics, but deliver us from burial. For thine is the domain, the power tool, and the glory hole, for ever and ever. Amen.” Internet



“Well, after years of making sick Jokes on the Internet and Sickipedia about thalidomide and spastic kids, my wife went for an ultrasound today and the doctor’s told us our baby has Down’s Syndrome. This must be God’s way of providing me with more material.” Internet



Do Carlsberg do servers by any chance? Internet



“Like most people on Sickipedia I hate these constantly copied Joke formats.” Internet



“Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status. After five, it ought to default to “Unstable” Internet



"Johnny: hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars Johnny: ********* see! Sarah: twilight6 Sarah: doesn’t look like stars to me Johnny: ******* Johnny: that’s what I see Sarah: oh, really? Johnny: Absolutely Sarah: you can go twilight6 my twilight6-ing twilight6 Sarah: haha, does that look funny to you? Johnny: lol, yes. See, when YOU type twilight6, it shows to us as ******* Sarah: that’s neat, I didn’t know msn did that Johnny: yep, no matter how many times you type twilight6, it will show to us as ******* Sarah: awesome! Sarah: wait, how do you know my pw? Johnny: er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as twilight6 cause its your pw Sarah: oh, ok." Internet



“Just read this (genuinely) in the Mail on Sunday about Prince Harry’s new fling: ‘Harry is very funny and texts her Jokes all the time from an Internet site he’s found’ Alright mate?” Internet



"Just saw this Joke by swoosher7797 ----------------------------------- My girlfriend isn't the brightest spark. I spent an hour explaining a legendary Sickipedia Joke to her and she still didn't get it. So I got 8 mates over and we really explained it to her. Now she understands. ------------------------------------ You took her appendix out?" Internet



“The other day my six-year-old son said: “When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on Sickipedia.” I said: “You can’t do both.” Internet



“Was just about to sign up to the Facebook group “Feed a child with a click” until I realized how similar “cl” and “d” looked. Thought it sounded too good to be true. Just goes to show how careful you have to be with these online deals.” Internet



“I asked my girlfriend if I could give her one, she said ‘Sure, be my guest’. So I gave her 0.2 instead.” Internet



What percentage of users actually make it on to dealingwithdyslexia.org on their first attempt? Internet



I’ve deleted so much History on my computer it doesn’t even know who the Romans were. Internet



"I was asked by a Labour Party activist today how I intend to vote on May 6th. I replied, “Well I'll be voting as normal, by looking through my favourites and giving a +1 to my favourite incest and paedophilia Jokes.” Internet



Why don’t they just put a page full of Jokes on ‘the database latency too high’ page? Internet



“‘I’m being frapped!’ My girlfriend put on her Facebook status. 37 likes! I think myself very lucky she accidently pressed that f.” Internet



“My girlfriend thinks it’s wrong to laugh at the Jokes on here, she often says it wouldn’t be funny if it happened to you. But, as I’m neither a 5 year old girl, dead baby nor Jade Goody I find this pretty unlikely.” Internet



The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI. Internet



“Find your ideal partner on Facebook!” No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.” Internet



“I’ve been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying. Apparently ‘local celebrity’ can’t be used as another term for ‘known rapist’.” Internet



The Internet is a drug. You get on for 1 minute to check your mail, 4 hours later your pants are down by your ankles and you feel all awkward and lonely. Internet



“A sure sign that I’m spending too much time on Sickipedia. We went to the estate agents, looking for a new house. The estate agent asked if we wanted a house with a cellar and I said, “We don’t really need one, my wife can’t have children!” Internet



So this isn’t a website offering advice on how to cure common illness then? Internet



“The Sickipedia home page is a lot like politics: On the right you’ve got a load of juvenile, idiotic nonsense and on the left all you hear about is women, foreigners and disabled people.” Internet



TOP GOOGLE UK SEARCHES 2009 1. Facebook 2. BBC 3. YouTube 4. Hotmail 5. Games 6. EBay 7. News 8. Google 9. Yahoo 10. Bebo Surely I mustn’t be the only one that realizes something is missing off this list?!” Internet



They’re bringing out a new Barbie doll called “Internet Barbie”, which really a fat guy is claiming to be a hot blonde. Internet



“Thank God for Private Browsing. Now my wife doesn’t have to find out my sick, disturbing secret; that I play Run escape.” Internet



A librarian knocked on my door and asked to borrow a book on Irony. Internet



“I wrote a 403 page essay about the Internet. There was another page but I can’t find it.” Internet



“I’ve just copied and pasted the barcode on Google’s homepage, cut it out and stuck it to a tin of beans in Asda. Should have seen the look on the checkout girl’s face when she tried to charge me 32 billion.” Internet



“People think the easiest way to success on Sickipedia is to think of a great Joke that scores 1000 points. I’m going to take the Pound land route, and post 1000 Jokes that score 1 point. Starting with this one.” Internet



“Jokes leaving the ‘Newest Today’ section are a bit like the kids around my area. If they’re under 10 there’s a good chance you’ll never see them again.” Internet



“How do you keep a fat stupid Yank occupied for hours? Reveal the rest of this Joke.” Internet



“Kids are so lucky today to have the Internet. I must have been about 23 before I saw my first picture of a woman sucking off a donkey!” Internet



So, there’s now an advert banner at the top of Sickipedia. What kind of business thinks “Yes, closet paedophile and racists, there’s the target market we need to focus on!” Internet



“Here I am, at home on Sickipedia instead of going to work. Ironic, that an anagram of Sickipedia is “paid sickie.” Internet



Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd. Internet



An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, sit in front of a computer. They go on a site called Sickipedia to look for Jokes for next week’s Mock the Week. Internet



“On a website I regularly visit there is a link to donate to the site to ‘help keep the site free’. I’m not sure they know what ‘free’ means.” Internet



I was shocked to see 8 people following me as I was walking down my street browsing the web on my cellphone. It has only been an hour since I opened my Twitter account. Internet



“My girlfriend said that switching off her mum’s life support machine was the most difficult thing that she’s ever had to do. She has clearly never tried to not spill a full pint of beer whilst sneezing.” Internet



Statistically 9.2/10 people preferred it before. Internet



How boring would Sickipedia be if Gerry and Kate had hired a babysitter? Internet



“When Scouters want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first? Google Maps.” Internet



“I customized my license plate to say “s1ck1p3dia v3” Hopefully when I get caught speeding they’ll only give me .2 points on my license” Internet



“Your Joke, which read: ‘wheels, drums, horses and trumpets’ has been deleted. It was part of a Band Wagon.” Internet



The Internet has become too politically correct. What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies? In my day they were called broken biscuits. Internet



BREAKING NEWS: Sickipedia officially outranks the Twin Towers as the biggest crash site of all time.” Internet



“I want to get a DVD from eBay. I’m confused. Do I click ‘Buy’ or ‘Watch this item’? Surely I want to do both.” Internet



Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know Internet



To make Christmas Dinner a little more interesting, print off a few Jokes from Sickipedia, and pop them in the crackers. Internet



Looking for a nipple on YouTube is like looking for a salad in America. Internet



“I came across this on Wikipedia before. ‘This limb disfigurement article is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.’ Who said Wikipedia has no sense of humour?” Internet



“It has been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,200 Internet users. I’ve had emails from every single one.” Internet



“What do you get if you mix Barium, Neodymium, Tungsten, Silver, Oxygen, Nitrogen and Sulfur together? A ‘Periodic Table’ Joke about ‘Ba, Nd, W, Ag, O, N, S’.” Internet



“There is a lot of things wrong with the world these days but we do have some things to be grateful for. Like you can’t post photographs on this site.” Internet



You know you’re sad when you find yourself hacking somebody’s Facebook so that you can invite yourself to their birthday party. Internet



If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence. Internet



“I just looked up myself on the Internet. Now my webcam smells of poo.” Internet



“I used to listen to Dub step back in the 90s… … Every time I connected my computer to the Internet.” Internet



“Wikipedia is to be blacked out for 24 hours. An article on Wikipedia stated that this was the most significant event in modern History since Hitler invented the light bulb.” Internet



“My girlfriend left me. A few nights ago she found “Sickipedia.org” in the search History on our computer and she said I had some explaining to do. With quick thinking I said to her, “Oh, I was trying to get onto Wikipedia, but I accidentally hit the S instead of the W on the keyboard. The S is below the W.” She accepted my explanation and told me later on that night how she got worried with calling me clumsy and stupid. That’s when I accidentally said, “I’m stupid? You didn’t even ask where the ‘C’ came from!” Internet



Is anyone else worried that we’re quickly losing stuff to make Jokes about? George Bush has left office, Jade Goody and Michael Jackson have died and now even Sickipedia’s server works. You hang on in there Stephen Hawking! Internet



“I saw a Rolex on eBay and it said on the listing “Watch this item”. I don’t remember setting the language to cave man.” Internet



What other use will there ever be for ‘delete Internet History’? Internet



Statistically, 9/10 Sickipedia Jokes will appear in someone’s Facebook status. Internet



“A good sickipedia Joke needs to meet two requirements. 1. It needs to leave them wanting more. 2.” Internet



“I just saw the advert for Compare the Meerkat com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples…….” Internet



“It’s been a bit quiet on the site today as many were present at the funeral of MAGGOT, Sickipedia’s unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of MAGGOT’s ‘Knock, knock’ Jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.” Internet



“My gran asked me for a website that’s a good source of information. Please, for the love of god, never EVER get Sickipedia mixed up with Wikipedia.” Internet



“A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on Maddie. The librarian says “Sorry sir, that went out years ago and was never returned.” Internet



“My wife spends a lot of time on eBay. But no, I still haven’t had any bids for her.” Internet



“I’m feeling quite proud of myself after doing my bit for a worthy cause. I noticed a banner on Wikipedia this morning, saying that they desperately needed to raise $7.5m to keep the site running, but had only managed $1.2m so far. Thanks to me, they’re now well on their way to reaching their target. I edited it to say they’d raised $6.5m.” Internet



“I must be really unlucky, Every time I have an argument with somebody on the Internet, they turn out to be a cage fighter.” Internet



Make it look like you have an iPad by drawing the Internet onto an Etch-a-Sketch. Internet



Isn’t it funny how people post so many sick and racist Jokes on here, but still are civilized enough to put it in the right category. Internet



You Mama’s so old, she once posted a Joke on Sickipedia and it wasn’t a duplicate. Internet



All these Periodic Table Jokes are starting to get boron. Internet



"Imagine if sickipedia had been around on 9/11. The server would've gone down like- well, you can guess." Internet



At the ‘Sickipedia standup comedy night’ if too many people turn up are they going to put a sign outside the venue saying ‘Database latency too high’? Internet



“Computer: 200 Internet connection: 30 the look on your Gran’s face when you tell her the difference between the Pope and Madeleine McCann: Priceless ………………………………………………………………………………………….. Gran’s funeral: 1000 There are some things in life which won’t get you early inheritance: for everything else there’s Sickipedia.” Internet



Sickipedia: Proof that giving Americans the vote in anything is a bad idea. Internet



“I’m selling a stalking kit on eBay, It’s got six people watching it…” Internet



“I once got a Joke on the left side of the Sickipedia home page. I turned my computer monitor upside down.” Internet



So JamRags.com are printing all of the Sickipedia favourites onto t-shirts then selling them back to us? Personally, I’m waiting for the one that says “Database Latency Too high”. Internet



Mr. Sachs, his daughter and 18,000 BBC viewers have labelled Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand “sick.” Let’s hope to god they don’t discover this website. Internet



“I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I’m pretty sure people are following me!” Internet



There’s a bit of a misconception going on here. Telling Jokes about any subject, however unpleasant, says nothing about you as an individual. Writing racist Jokes about (enter your ethnic minority here) does not make you a racist. Writing paedophile Jokes does not make you a paedophile. Writing Jokes about fat stupid Americans, just means you’re being brutally honest. Internet



Am I the only one who’s worried that once Wikipedia goes black it’ll never go back? Internet



“I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?” Internet



“I recently started to make a friend online, He is a retired 55 year old head teacher and a really friendly guy so we decided to meet up. Turned out to be a 13 year old girl” Internet



Sickipedia has a lot in common with Britain as there always seems to be a significant number of people who aren’t registered here. Internet



“I’m setting up a search engine called Askyourdad.com you type your query in and it sends you straight to Askyourmum.com” Internet



“Announcement: Spastic Waitresses has a new website but all the Servers are down.” Internet



“When I die, I’m giving my body to Sickipedia viewers. At least that way I know I’ll get buried quickly.” Internet



Joke-writing is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent duplication. Internet



I have just painted a blue square on the garden to trick people viewing Google Earth into thinking I have a swimming pool!! Internet



Its really nice that there are some places where the White English Male can dominate. 100 years ago, in the days of the British Empire, it was a Quarter of the World, on which the sun never set. Now it’s an Internet Joke site that crashes several times a week. Still, better than nothing. Internet



It’s a sad day for mankind when you search ‘hardcore domination’ and results direct you to Call of Duty. Internet



"What do you call a Black American Muslim Woman? Pretty much anything- it’s still bound to get voted up." Internet



“My wife told me she was annoyed by my “lack of moral consistency,” and explained that I shouldn’t find offensive Jokes, for example about domestic violence, acceptable while being outraged if someone posts a duplicate. Her remarks inspired this little number: What does the duplicate checker and my wife’s jaw have in common? They’re both broken.” Internet



2009 seems to me like the celebrity version of that Windows program that deletes the unused icons from your desktop. Internet



“I got that “Meet beautiful women in your area” ad pop up the other day. But, when I took my laptop to Bradford, it just said “Searching” Internet



How come all the hot girls in my area always want to chat when I’m watching a film? Internet



“Firefox private browsing mode…. ….saving relationships since June 2009” Internet



“I just found this site (Sickipedia) and couldn’t believe some of the material posted here. The grammar was atrocious.” Internet



“My wife said that our wedding was the happiest day of her life. Mine too; one of my Jokes scored 300 points that day.” Internet



“What have my star pupil and Sickipedia got in common? I look forward to coming on both of them in my lunch hour.” Internet



"So socks are up in sales by 11000% since 1998. That's about the same time the Internet was really taking off. Coincidence? I think not." Internet



“I Hate America …………..now do I get loads of votes?” Internet



If Sickipedia did formula racing it would be called F5. Internet



“I was watching a film on the Internet today and to watch it I had to answer a question to “prove I wasn’t a robot” Good idea, I’m sick of my robot slacking off and watching films on the Internet.” Internet



Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face. Internet



“Please read: A personal appeal from an author of 2,463 Wikipedia articles. I’m guessing it’s an appeal for a girlfriend.” Internet



You realize you’re lonely when you have to “Frappe” yourself to get attention. Internet



“I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift for 60 seconds. I thought; “Wait a minute…” Internet



My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month but all my Facebook friends changed their status’ for an hour and now he’s going to live a long and fruitful life Internet



“I tried insulting Tinie Tempeh on Twitter. He replied with “lol”. I can check him off on my “Misleading Names” list.” Internet



“In the real world, the saying goes “innocent until proven guilty.” In the Internet world, the saying should be “male until proven female.” Internet



I can’t remember whether I spend all my spare time on Sickipedia because I don’t have a girlfriend, or I don’t have a girlfriend because I spend all my spare time on Sickipedia. Internet



So who else’s first reaction to the tragic death of Michael Jackson was. “SICKIPEDIA”? I wonder how many Jokes have already been made. Internet



“Parents, please stop using your kids as your profile picture on Facebook. I don’t like sending raunchy messages to you.” Internet



You know that something good has happened when there’s over 7000 people all trying to get on Sickipedia at the same time Internet



“I showed my mum Sickipedia this morning. She said, “I’m not too keen on the horrible four-letter ‘F’ word.” I said, “Nah, Flees is all right once you know him.” Internet



“What happened to that spastic Joke I just posted? Must have been voted Downs.” Internet



“I noticed that wikipedia.org is trying to raise 7.5 million dollars. I’d help, but I’m British, and I use pounds.” Internet



“Get a flat stomach in 4 weeks using this weird old tip? Move.” Internet



“I bet the crossbow cannibal’s gutted. Didn’t even have time to make the ‘top Jokes this week’ page.” Internet



“No duplicates. No Americans. No server crashes. Carlsberg don’t make Sickipedia…” Internet



Gordon Brown is worried because in recent elections he hasn’t had many votes, maybe he should post an anti-American Joke on sickipedia that seems to work for everyone on here. Internet



Don’t you just love it when you get a text off someone you don’t really speak to, you open it and it’s a Joke that you posted on Sickipedia! Internet



“So I clicked onto Sickipedia just now, and saw “Database Latency to High”. Naturally, I was straight on the BBC website to check if Elton John had died… You still have time to upgrade the servers Sickipedia.” Internet



It’s nice to know that Facebook can be used for something other than stalking underage girls. Internet



“Whoever took Maddie must have been a Sickipedia. They looked in the first bedroom saw the twins and thought, “can’t be bothered with duplicates”.” Internet



“Post Jokes whilst America’s sleeping” Seems good advice, Thanks However what time exactly is this, cos I think they just sleep in between snacks” Internet



“Just saw the Google UK Top 10 Searches of 2009. 1. Facebook 2. BBC 3. YouTube 4. Hotmail 5. Games 6. EBay 7. News 8. Google 9. Yahoo 10. Bebo So I have two questions: how are Americans ending up on the UK Google… and why are they still searching for Google?” Internet



“Great little prank for Facebook chat: Click on anyone randomly and type “I couldn’t be bothered taking her to the abortion clinic, so I just did it myself” Then type, “Oops sorry wrong convo!” The responses are priceless!” Internet



Special Offer: Free TV guide and local weather forecast with every Facebook account. Internet



“Sky news – ‘Stricken Cruise Ship Gets Spam Airdrop’ Congratulations, You are the 999,999th cruise ship to visit these waters………” Internet



I’m always posting Jokes to the wrong sites. FML. Internet



“‘Cheryl Cole tries Internet dating’. We all lie slightly on our profiles. For instance on hers, Cheryl describes herself as a singer.” Internet



I’ve just been on the Chinese chat roulette, 128,987 people online, and I kept getting matched up with the same guy. Internet



“I hate my Internet provider. It may be Virgin, but it keeps going down on me.” Internet



“Sickipedia and Facebook; One is for making Jokes about raping children, the others for meeting them.” Internet



“Welcome to Sickipedia. Brought to you this weekend by our sponsors the Lehman Brothers.” Internet



No matter what you search for on YouTube, there’s always a 6-year-old Asian kid doing it blindfolded. Internet



“What’s the difference between killing babies and Sickipedia’s new scoring system? Killing babies makes perfect sense.” Internet



"A survey conducted on 25th September 2009 has shown 100% of material on Wikipedia is true. * *[citation needed]" Internet



“I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why. Like I just broke up with them and they need closure. “No no, Yahoo Toolbar. It’s not you, it’s me. Please stop crying.” Internet



“I’ve just been on my son’s laptop today. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I browsed through his History. A smart and intelligent boy like him should never misspell ‘you’ as ‘red’ so many times.” Internet



“After making an account I clicked on the ‘would you like to get some friends?’ link. It sent me to Amazon for the box set of Friends Season 1-10. I laughed hysterically for a while… …then I realized I was still lonely.” Internet



“Admin1: Duplicate checker is broken, repeat: duplicate checker is broken – over. Admin2: Copy that.” Internet



“When I go on the Internet I’m a totally different person. All thanks to ID theft.” Internet



“Legend has it that an infinite number of monkeys sat at an infinite number of typewriters will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this not to be true.” Internet



“Facebook is to offer memorials for dead users as opposed to those who don’t have a life. Patrick Swayze’s memorial can be found on the Dirty Dancing fan page. Michael Jackson’s tribute can be found on the Bad fan page. Jade Goody can be found on Farmville where you can collect truffles from her.” Internet



“I and my girlfriend had this raging argument last night as she says all i want to do is sit on Twitter all night instead of talking to her. So this morning she text me from work saying “Morning babe, what did you have for breakfast?” I couldn’t help but text back “#browns.” Internet



“Now Sickipedia’s server and latency problems seem to be a thing of the past! Is it just me or is anyone else wondering how many people are looking at this page?” Internet



“I was going to crack another Joke about the Periodic Table. I then decided I didn’t want to make a Copper, Neutronium of myself…” Internet



“In the news: “Girls and boys as young as 10 could soon be encouraged to undergo Smear Tests and Prostate Examinations.” In other news: 15,000 Sickipedia’s have applied to medical school.” Internet



Sickipedia… For all those thoughts you can’t post on Facebook. Internet



“Just saw the Facebook group “Have you ever just looked at someone, and you just hate them?” Yes, this is exactly how I feel, and that’s why most people call me racist.” Internet



Facebook is in turmoil today, as the ever famous Farmville has been taken out with what is reported as a serious case of foot and mouth. Internet



“I think I’m going to start a Facebook campaign to bring back the old sickipedia. It seems to work with everything else.” Internet



Can anybody else confirm the rumour that Sickipedia is upgrading its server from a Commodore 64 to a ZX Spectrum? Internet



SICKIPEDIA TOP TIP: To allow yourself to vote your Joke up over and over again, simply move the mouse over your Joke and then hold down Alt and press F4.” Internet



I like most of the features on ‘Mozilla Firefox’, but I don’t appreciate the fact it loads up the last site you were on when you open the browser. I do not need to be reminded every morning of what a disgusting human being I am. Internet



One day you accidentally mis-type the address to Wikipedia, the next, you’re instantly suspicious of black people and can’t help but feel your wife spends too much time out of the kitchen. Internet



I couldn’t get a ticket for the 21st anniversary Hillsborough Memorial service. But my mate’s a policeman and he opened the side gates to let me in. Internet



“So it’s now acceptable to use the word ‘Facebook’ as a verb. Well in that case, I just Sickipedia’s your daughter.” Internet



From Sickipedia I’d like to say thanks to Derrick Bird for testing the capacity of the new server. Internet



“My best mate told me I use Internet Jokes too often. I was so shocked, I almost fell off the bandwagon.” Internet



I pushed a Frenchman off a tower. Eifel. Internet



“Stuck in a dark place for 69 days without washing, wishing you had friends with you. Your average World of Warcraft Gamer” Internet



If my wife sucked as much as my Jokes on here do, then maybe she’d still be alive. Internet



I wish my parents had given me a cool middle name like all my friends on Facebook. Internet



“Sickipedia is getting a better server! April Fools.” Internet



I’m Adolf Hitler, and Gas mark 7 was my idea. Internet



“The Internet is such a boring place… …when there are other people in the room.” Internet



I wish I got pulled off as often as my Jokes do from Sickipedia Internet



“What’s a Sickipedia who’s neither a paedo nor a rapist? Possibly a virgin.” Internet



I don’t need Facebook to poke my sister’s friends. Internet



“The Internet is often the quickest and easiest way to start a new relationship these days. It’s also the quickest and easiest way to end a relationship if you forget to clear your browsing History.” Internet



If at first you don’t succeed, you must be using Windows. Internet



Google just returned 3,550,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments. Internet



So, in America they have set up a "rehab" clinic for people who are addicted to the Internet. Think it costs about $8000 for a 45 day treatment, 10% off for booking online. Internet



“I hate all this Internet language, lol, omg, bff but the one that really annoys me is ROFL. Surely it should be roflysst: rolling on floor laughing, yet somehow still typing.” Internet



Just went outside and got hit on the head with a lasagne and a black forest gateaux. Must be the fallout from Iceland. Internet



You know you spend too much time on Sickipedia when you start looking for the arrow to vote your work e-mails down. Internet



I think someone needs to go into the Library and ask for a book on lowering database latency… Internet



Why is Sickipedia’s logo an aerial view of an elephant? Internet



“What’s the difference between Sickipedia and a comedian suffering from Alzheimer’s? The comedian doesn’t repeat his Jokes quite as often.” Internet



“The Chinese government have warned Google that it will “Pay the consequences” if they don’t abide by their censorship laws. Google’s reply: “I’m feering rucky!” Internet



“Start a Facebook group to keep Simon Cowell’s X-factor song off the Christmas No.1 and you are hailed as a national hero. Do exactly the same thing to keep his charity single for Haiti off the top spot and you receive all kinds of abuse and death threats? Honestly, the British public can be so fickle sometimes.” Internet



C’mon – you have got to give it to Jamrags.com. At least when the servers down us can still look at some Jokes. Internet



“I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile… ….and how many times.” Internet



“I just bought 4 spots in ‘Hot Jokes of the Day’ off one of Sickipedia’s admins for 3.25. It wasn’t anything dodgy, he just sold me a copy of Viz.” Internet



“I like to think of the Internet as my own personal playground. In that most things I do in playgrounds are sick, illegal, and involve masturbation.” Internet



Whoever said “No news is good news” was obviously not a Sickipedian. Internet



Somewhere in the West Country there is sat a farmer playing Office Ville. Internet



“How many of you, after deleting your browsing History, quickly visit your usual websites such as Hotmail, Sickipedia and Facebook just so it doesn’t look too obvious?” Internet



“The main two differences between flight 93 and sickipedia. Flight 93 only crashed once… and it was funny” Internet



Sickipedia duplicate checker, made in China. Internet



You know you’ve lost it when your main ambition is to have your Joke featured on the left hand side of the Sickipedia homepage. Internet



In the year 3000, YouTube, twitter and Facebook will merge into one huge time wasting website called ‘YouTwitFace’. Internet



“What is the deal with today’s Google page…? Is it Alf Garnett’s birthday?” Internet



“I’ve found a website that plays streaming video of underground trains. It’s called Tube tube.” Internet



Sickipedia. Where the men are men and everyone else is insulted. Internet



“I went on to Ask Jeeves the other day. I asked: “Why is Google so much better than you?” Internet



“Just saw a Facebook page called “You’re 13. Put some clothes on”. I’m not a fan.” Internet



Facebook has 500 million users? I’m three of them. Internet



“I have just opened up a Facebook account, which I have called ‘No One’. Now, whenever I send someone a friend request, they read ‘No One wants to be your friend’ on their screen. And people wonder why the human race has such simple pleasures.” Internet



Welcome to Sickipedia: Where men are men, women are women, and children are molested. Internet



Statistically, 9 out of 10 Sickipedian enjoy bandwagons Internet



“How do you know when you’ve spent too much time on Sickipedia? When your girlfriend and mates keep asking – “What’s up? You’re quiet this weekend! Haven’t you got any new Jokes?” Internet



“Some critics have claimed that the content of this website encourages deviant behaviour. To them, I say; look at at this way. If I didn’t spend all my spare time reading and posting Jokes on here, I’d be out walking the streets, and your women and children wouldn’t be safe…” Internet



ITN Reports: “Facebook ‘helps children’s writing skills” WTF? PMSL” Internet



I ended up joining Facebook. I figured if it can get Rage against the Machine to number 1 surely it can get me laid. Internet



Sickiphrantic (adj.) continually refreshing your browser after posting a Joke to see if it’s been voted down. Internet



“Whilst browsing Facebook, I came across this status update: ‘Someone became a fan of RIP ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED OF CANCER’ Oh, the subtle difference between RIP and R.I.P.” Internet



“A man has delivered a baby based on instructions he found on YouTube. I guess that works alright, as long as the birth doesn’t last more than 9 minutes.” Internet



Has anyone else noticed that whenever you receive a text message and the sender has put LOL at the end, it’s never in the slightest bit funny? I always make sure I send a reply though… FO! Internet



My two biggest mistakes in life were getting married and clicking “reveal Joke” down there. Internet



“How do you kill that which has no life? Cancel its World of Warcraft account.” Internet



“Matthew Pyke got stabbed 86 times after an Internet gaming debate. I say that’s fair enough. Anyone who survived 85 stab wounds must have been cheating.” Internet



Sickipedia: raising the grammatical standard of English, whilst simultaneously lowering the tone. Internet



“What’s the similarity between Peter Kay and Sickipedia? They both used to be funny.” Internet



My mate went on Facebook moaning about his girlfriend cheating on him, whereas I go on sickipedia and brag about me banging his girlfriend. Internet



“So, a man who delivered his wife’s baby after watching videos on the Internet. Strange really – most of us spend more time watching how they’re conceived.” Internet



The Internet has no influence over my life whatsoever.com Internet



Was gonna go doctors for an Aids test, but I thought nar, I’ll take face book’s ‘Have you got Aids?’ quiz, instead Internet



“You can tell Facebook is an American site… ‘‘You took the quiz “One Word That Describes You!!!” and the result is Party Animal!!!’‘” Internet



Am I the only person thinking a certain individual at Google has an unHealthy obsession with children’s TV..? Internet



Sickipedia – Creating awkward silences at parties since 2006. Internet



Apparently, ‘posted a Joke on Sickipedia that scored over 1000’ isn’t appropriate to put under ‘achievements’ on a CV. Internet



You know you’re obsessed with Sickipedia when you go on news websites praying for something terrible to have happened. Internet



“I’m extremely worried about this ‘Ban Sickipedia’ group on Facebook. What would I do without Sickipedia? Probably go out, get a job, a girlfriend…. Internet



All the tag cloud says at the moment is “Disabled due to inconsiderate people dying”. To be honest those words are usually in there anyway. Internet



“Dear Sickipedia, I hacked into your database server and changed the background colour to white. It appears to be working again.” Internet



“Sickipedia always seems quieter on a Sunday morning. Are all the wife-beating racists in church?” Internet



I don’t know why all these teenagers go to such trouble to commit suicide… all they have to do is read chain-mail and not repost it. Internet



“I love Internet dating sites. Now I can stay in and be a failure in private.” Internet



I’ve just watched my favourite episode of Friends. It’s The One With Ross’s Death Announced On A Sick Joke Website. Internet



A Chinese man walks into a bar and the barman asks, “Why the Wong face?” Internet



“Madeleine McCann, Kanye West and Michael Jackson walk into a database…. Its latency becomes too high.” Internet



“What do you call a Sickipedian with no eyes? Sickipedian” Internet



Facebook: Reducing the amount of Birthday cards I get since 2003 Internet



"The place where I work has recently installed Websense to block certain websites. When i try to log into Sickipedia it tells me that this site has been banned for being “Tasteless and Inappropriate” . Yet it allows me to log into the Big Brother website with ease,???? What’s going on ??" Internet



Got invited to a group before, “All Facebook users in one group”, but i clicked ignore. Is there any point in the group now? Internet



“One sign that you spend too much time on Sickipedia: 1 – You start posting Jokes about Sickipedia.” Internet



I was very disappointed when I saw the Jokes my 11 year old son had been posting on Sickipedia. To set a good example, I told him what he was doing was totally out of order and that if he ever duplicated my Jokes again I would report him to a moderator. Internet



“Being a nerd, I’m loving all these chemical symbol Jokes. I’m in my elements.” Internet



Funny how all the Jokes on the Far East of the homepage all look the same. Internet



“What’s black and doesn’t work? The voting system.” Internet



You know you’ve got issues when you start looking up seriously ill celebrities, rather than dead ones, and planning your Jokes months in advance. Internet



“Just seen someone’s Facebook status…… “Thinks her birthday period could be messy” bit too much information love….” Internet



“I was just about to enter a Joke about Christians and got this. Database latency too high Sickipedia appears to have lost the connection to the database. Predictably, there are 666 of you looking at this page. How apt……….” Internet



I love the tag cloud. It’s like a big chav dictionary. Internet



“Do Sickipedia bandwagons ever become tedious? Periodically.” Internet



“Just saw the Facebook group “Join If You Lost an Friend or Relative from 2000-2009” RIP The Creator’s English Teacher” Internet



“Every site I go on, there’s an advert pressing me to have a personal avatar done but I won’t be drawn.” Internet



“I’m the only one in my Family who uses Sickipedia, I didn’t realize the search engine shares the same History as some Google search engines. They now think I’m a racist paedophile who pranks librarians.” Internet



You know you’ve been on sickipedia too much if the advert about Osama and Bush in the top right corner no longer annoys you. Internet



“You can almost do anything online these days. You can even hang out the washing!” Internet



“Coming soon to a town near you…. “SICKIPEDIA THE MUSICAL” Featuring all your favourite songs, “We hate Americans” “My girlfriend is 8 years old” “Who’s in the cellar daddy?” “Maddie…….I love you….. but you’re dead” Internet



Warning! DO NOT use Facebook and Sickipedia whilst drunk: now my entire Family, friends and ex-boss know exactly what I want to do with my seven-year-old twin girls, a ball gag, a jar of marmite and a weekend in a Premier Inn. Internet



“I thought the overall quality of posts on the Sickipedia front page would improve later in the evenings, when all the school kids have gone to bed. Turns out that most Sickipedians have better things to do than post Jokes at that time…” Internet



“The Sickipedia voting system reminds me of deep throat… A lot of sick and you know it’s good.” Internet



You know you live in a council estate when all the girls on your Facebook have their profile pictures set as baby scans and the lads have theirs set as supped up Vauxhall novas. Internet



“I have just tried ringing my broadband provider, there was a message saying ‘We are extremely short staffed due to the recent snowfall, so please bare with us’. It must be snowing in India too.” Internet



“Welcome to Sickipedia. Where no news is bad news.” Internet



BBC I Player Making the Unmissable – Blurry” Internet



“In talks with the Home Secretary Alan Johnson, the Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson said it was his belief that this vile, evil monster was a threat to society. He therefore recommended Sickipedia should be tagged at all times.” Internet



“My Internet connection reminds me of that time I fell into a tank full of piranhas. 164 KB/s” Internet



“What’s the difference between Sickipedia and Gina Wilde? Gina can handle more than 700 members on her at one time.” Internet



Sickipedia really needs to get new servers. These ones go down like an epileptic in a nightclub Internet



“I was looking through the “ban sickipedia site” Facebook group and I saw a comment off somebody saying “do you have nothing better to do than make Jokes about dead kids” Well my answer to that is no… But at least it keeps us off the railways!” Internet



Before there was the Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats. Internet



“I must be one of the luckiest people alive. Almost every day I enter a website I’m the millionth visitor and win an iPad.” Internet



I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future. Internet



“China is a bit like the right hand column of sickipedia Every few seconds a new duplicate is squeezed out” Internet



Go on admit it. How many of you saw the mongoose Joke and Google’s “plural of mongoose” Internet



“The only thing worse than having your Joke voted down is having your Joke voted up. By a guest.” Internet



“I sometimes think about doing a truly sick, news worthy crime. Just so I can be the first to post a Joke about it on here.” Internet



“I have a job interview next week and I have put down on my CV that I am a social commentator. Am I alright to stick you guys down as a reference?” Internet



“www. findtherapists .com Boy, we really do have dirty minds” Internet



Is anyone else suing Sickipedia for the replacement of their F5 key? Internet



“Sickipedia, eagerly awaiting natural disasters since 1963.” Internet



“My friend was setting up a Facebook account for the first time. He asked me “How do you make your relationship ‘complicated’?” I said, “Having her catch you sniffing her mum’s thong worked for me.” Internet



“The Times & Sunday Times are going to start charging a subscription fee to view their website. Why would anybody pay to get their major news stories when Sickipedia is free?” Internet



You know you’re on Sickipedia too much, when you can spell Paedophile right without even thinking about it… Internet



If all the sickipedia forum topics were laid end to end, they still wouldn’t reach a conclusion. Internet



Is this website some sort of sick Joke? Internet



“I’m seriously considering never coming back to Sickipedia. At least that way the texts I get will seem original in 6 months’ time” Internet



"As a doctor I’m sorry to say I find Sickipedia considerably lacking as an online medical resource site. 0 stars out of 5 I’m afraid Dr. J. Smith ******************************************** May I say, I have to totally disagree with my colleague. I found it to be a true source of inspiration. Dr. H. Shipman" Internet



“Just saw the Facebook group, “Since when was it cool to be a Muslim and drink.” Since when was it cool to be a Muslim?” Internet



“What is the definition of optimism? Posting a Joke on Sickipedia that you just received by text and hoping that it is not a dupe.” Internet



“[Joke] I’m a HTML developer, and I have OCD [/Joke]” Internet



The benefits of easy origami are two fold! Internet



Nothing says copy and paste like IdIfds Internet



Congratulations to Flees for reaching 10,000 points and the ‘top users’ list on Sickipedia. I never tire of his hilarious ‘added comma’ gag! Internet



I was at the doctor’s today, and he diagnosed me as having Sickipedia disease: it’s the only disease where the sicker you are, the more chance you have of NOT being buried. Internet



Is it just me or do you automatically think “duplicate” when you hear a Joke in the pub now? Internet



“Is it just me that thinks sickipedia is getting too popular? I mean I can’t rip somebody’s Joke off in a pub now without somebody shouting duplicate across the bar” Internet



“The least funniest person on Sickipedia is that guy who’s always on the forums, Mark Unread – he hasn’t posted anything at all yet but he’s on there all day long..” Internet



“Why don’t Jewish people update their Facebook statuses? Because it requires sharing.” Internet



“My wireless Internet recently got kidnapped we had a strong connection but I have no lead to go on” Internet



Sickipedia have released an update to their iPhone app, version 2.0. It's funny. I'd have thought they would go straight from version 1.0 to 1.6 or 2.3 or maybe even -0.8. Internet



“I see Sickipedia went down last night… Good to see it was giving something back to its users.” Internet



“I accidentally sold my kidneys on eBay and at first I could not comprehend the severity of the situation. It took a while to filter through.” Internet



Putting a Joke on Sickipedia is a bit like going shopping after dark in Brixton: if you don’t get mugged in the first ten minutes, you’ve half a chance of surviving. Internet



Posting your first Joke on Sickipedia is a bit like losing your virginity. It’s humiliating, short-lived, and you have a feeling of failed suicide. Internet



“I might have to stop visiting Sickipedia. It’s not that the wife moans about it, or that my boss keeps catching me on at work, or even the Americans. It’s just depressing to already know the Jokes from my favourite TV shows before I get round to watching them.” Internet



A good Joke on sickipedia is like a well-stocked pantry in Ethiopia – hard to come by and then when people see it, they try to nick it for themselves. Internet



You know you’ve been on Sickipedia too long when your next door neighbours breaks the news of a miscarriage and you start laughing. Internet



"Read this??? then you’re on the wrong site" Internet



"Statistically... 9 out of 10 Sickipedians were disappointed with their Christmas cracker Jokes. ------------------------------------------------- The other 1 out of 10 was an American." Internet



“What’s the difference between a conscience and virginity? The average Sickipedian has lost his conscience.” Internet



I think the owner of this site needs to go see Pele about his problem of keeping it up. Internet



“Google Instant is rubbish, it thinks I’m searching for either Holidays in ‘Portugal’, a ‘Porsche’ sports car or tickets to see ‘Portsmouth’. Wrong, wrong and wrong again” Internet



“Google Earth… …and the first result you get is Google Earth.” Internet



“Get ripped in 4 weeks? It’s a scam! Windows Media Player does it in 10 minutes.” Internet



Apparently Jeeves doesn’t know the name of that movie starring that guy that I can’t seem to recall either. Internet



“We had to bury my brother today. It was sad but his Jokes really are that bad.” Internet



“I just got an email saying I’d won 9, 999, 999 from the Ugandan Lottery, I never even played! I’m so excited, I was going to tell my friends so perhaps they could win too, I just decided I’d save the surprise and send away all their credit card details. Man are they gonna’ love me.” Internet



“My Internet went down yesterday. I think my cheap neighbours forgot to pay the bill. how irresponsible” Internet



Hey guys, add me on Kik, ‘Pointlessbandwagon2012’. Cheers. Internet



Well it looks like if we want a new server we’re going to have to buy our own Jokes back in book and t-shirt form. Internet



“Jokes on Sickipedia are like your average steak. They’re neither rare nor well done.” Internet



Who’s the new Sickipedia sponsor, Rily Manson, never heard of her. Internet



My dyslexia is really starting to get in the way of my life. Last week I got a hiding from my Dad for going on hotmale.com Internet



I think a Jews been using my Internet. All the cache is gone. Internet



“A news report said that 954 offenders who should be in jail are still at large. Strangely enough I haven’t been able to get on sickipedia for the last half an hour because 954 people were looking at this page.” Internet



“Well it’s the end of Ceefax. And in case you’re wondering what Ceefax was. It was like the Internet for Paupers and The Welsh.” Internet



“This is for you, Sarah: I’m available.” Internet



“I read in a newspaper Sickipedia was only ‘Black Humour’. But how wrong could they be, it’s full of Jade Goody Humour as well.” Internet



“What kind of business thinks “Yes, closet paedophile and racists, there’s the target market we need to focus on!” The church.” Internet



“What’s Facebook and Sickipedia got in common? They both have dedication pages to dead people.” Internet



“Sickipedia has changed my life. I used to have one.” Internet



“Sickipedia v3 reminds me of a BBC televote. Most votes do not register.” Internet



All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house. Internet



I hate how my Wikipedia page neglects to mention my love of skiing and focuses almost entirely on the whole kidnap/murder thing. Internet



I have sickipedia and Facebook next to each other on my favourites and sometimes get them a bit mixed up. Now I have no friends and a warrant out for my arrest. Internet



“Illegal downloading is getting worse these days, and I think it is disgraceful. If you download a P.Diddy song, you’re not only stealing from him, you’re also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.” Internet



“I just had a pop-up ad that read “Sorry, this campaign is now over”. So let’s get this right. You thought nothing of creating a piece of malignant adware to breach my firewall, exploit my computer’s vulnerabilities and imbed itself in my hard drive, yet you feel the need to apologize because your campaign is over? You’re like a rapist who says sorry for the lack of foreplay.” Internet



“745 guest online and 130 users online. How are they able to tell who’s a drug addict and who isn’t?” Internet



“People say that sickipedia has no educational value I disagree. This is the place where a lot of people learn that they aren’t funny.” Internet



I wish Google Maps had an Avoid Ghetto routing option. Internet



“I was wondering what happened to Ask Jeeves, So I googled it.” Internet



Why it is that Sickipedian are so harsh on improper grammar, yet do not know the difference between duplicate and replicate? Internet



My wife says that we have ‘communication problems’ and that we never get to talk properly. I said. “you are completely overreacting as we always get to talk to each other”…… then she went offline. Internet



Just think of all the cool things that happened before YouTube was invented that no one will ever see. Internet



“Google image search. The reason why guys stay for the credits.” Internet



“Propose new category – Sports, Soccer so then we know which Jokes to vote down” Internet



"Wylis wrote: The duplicate checker on here is about as effective as the one in China! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wylis wrote: The duplicate checker on here is about as effective as the one in China!" Internet



“I saw an advert that said ‘Get ripped in 3 weeks!’ I thought, that’s a bit unrealistic” Internet



You know you’re on Sickipedia too much when you read a Jokes score before you decide to read it. Internet



“I love this site. It always lets me win things. Yesterday I was the 999,999th visitor, and today I’m the 888,888th visitor. How lucky is that?” Internet



Apparently Josef Fritzl’s daughter’s video evidence is 11 hours long. I do hope they bring it out as a DVD box set. Internet



“If you’re a religious person there’s no such thing as in private browsing. God is always watching.” Internet



Sickipedia: Supporting Historical Inaccuracies Since 1974 Internet



A sickipedia mod walks into a Library looking for a book on upgrading servers… librarian says “this has got to be a Joke!” Internet



You know there's a problem when the only reason you login to Facebook is to post a Joke that you know will inflame 90% of your Friend List. Internet



“Have you ever noticed that free online IQ tests are vastly decided by the final question. When they ask for your phone number” Internet



Is it me or are Sickipedians actually quite clever Internet



“I sadly lost my wife yesterday. She signed up to World of Warcraft.” Internet



“Carlsberg don’t do Alcoholics Anonymous meetings… Not surprising, really.” Internet



I wanted to go on the Lego website but the site was blocked. Internet



I’m only coming back on this site when Sickipedia has Banned Wagons. Internet



“Isn’t it funny how the bloke who got ripped in 4 weeks also managed to have extensive plastic surgery and change his ethnicity at the same time! Remarkable.” Internet



I tell my girlfriend everyday how lucky she is, as every time I’m surfing the Internet there are always girls looking for me whether it be in Russia or brazil Internet



Seen the group on Facebook “Boy who snapped his COD in half to show how much his girlfriend means to him”. I must say I don’t know how snapping a fish in half proves anything. Internet



“Chuck Norris has only ever farted once. His trip to Haiti did not go well.” Internet



The Internet; All the advantages of being a stalker, without leaving your own home! Internet



When Windows displays a “You have performed an illegal operation” message, do you think your computer has noticed your Internet History and is trying to rat you out? Internet



“What do Travis Barker and Sickipedia have in common? Both crashed over the weekend!” Internet



“My mother asked me earlier if I knew of any good porcelain websites as she was looking for a large container to keep water in. I suggested trying the obvious, BIGJUGS.COM Very misleading.” Internet



“Did you hear about the new social network? It’s called the phonebook.” Internet



“What is the difference between Sickipedia V3 and Iran? Compared to Sickipedia, Iran has a fair voting system.” Internet



Did anyone else notice how Americium is one of the densest elements on the periodic table? Internet



“I found out that the girl I’ve been romancing over the Internet has been using a fake picture. She actually looks nothing like Frank Bruno.” Internet



The right side of sickipedia must have depression, it’s always so negative. Internet



“Got banned from eBay the other day. Apparently Black, and Asian people “have every right to bid on my items.” Internet



10 grams of Gillian McKeith, a tablespoon of Wagner, half a cup of Snow and you’ve got yourself some tasty ingredients for Facebook Internet



Suicidal people are a dying race! Internet



“Dear Internet Service Provider, why when I call your helpline to report a problem with my broadband do I get an automated message giving me details of your website? I’m calling a broadband helpline so it’s a fairly safe bet I can’t get online. P.S. Yes I have already tried turning it off and on again yours sincerely A customer” Internet



“I work with a black, fat, midget, alcoholic, disabled lesbian with a Down’s Syndrome brother. Yesterday I showed her Sickipedia and she wasn’t offended once. Thank god she’s blind!” Internet



I wonder if Eskimo’s clog up their friend’s news feeds with statuses and pictures of dry patches. Internet



“The Internet: Preventing wet dreams since 1994.” Internet



“If the Internet had never been invented, I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today… A Lol.” Internet



“Common Internet comment made under a YouTube video or Facebook post that reads just one word: “Genius” Are they really qualified to make that call?” Internet



I couldn’t get on to this website this afternoon so I excitedly checked BBC news to see who’d died. Internet



“My son asked me what life was like before the Internet. I told him to Google it.” Internet



“Facebook status: Andy Smith doesn’t like people switching between first and third person on their Facebook status, in fact I hate it.” Internet



“Today, I went to meet a girl I met on Facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn’t match that of her Facebook pic. The words “Stock Photo” weren’t even written on her Forehead.” Internet



“My wife said, “You’ve been nothing but stupid for the past fortnight”. I said, “I think you’ll find it’s only been for the last two weeks, actually”.” Internet



“Ah, Facebook… Just about the only place you can get away with poking dead people.” Internet



AVG Anti-virus Website: “110 Million People Trust AVG” Yeah, and a further 6.8 Billion people don’t.” Internet



“My friend was telling me about how the Zimbabwean government is the most corrupt thing in the world. Clearly, he has never seen the Sickipedia voting system.” Internet



“Microsoft “In Private” browsing. Trying to reduce the divorce rate since 2009.” Internet



I swear that I just saw a tranny on a confused.com advert. I think he/she misunderstood what they were advertising. Internet



“I’m gonna stop using Wikipedia. Now it’s 10 I’ve lost all interest.” Internet



“I feel sorry for the guy at the top left of the Google chrome incognito screen. THE THINGS HE HAS SEEN!!” Internet



“I think I’m in trouble. I went into my browser and clicked Clear History. Now I’ve just looked up ‘Internet’ on Wikipedia and it hasn’t been invented.” Internet



“How do I go about placing an advert on Sickipedia? I’ve a missing child advert that needs a placing and thought you guys would be the best help.” Internet



“Girls are like Internet domain names. All the good ones are already taken, so I’m probably going to have to settle for one from a strange country.” Internet



I’m dating a hacker. She keeps sending me raunchy pictures of myself. Internet



“They can’t take Sickipedia from us… It would be like taking a baby from a paedophile or the cancer from Jade Goody.” Internet


“A long and lingering death which seemed to go on forever and made a lot of people furious. No, not Jade – Sickipedia’s server.” Internet



No matter how good you are, there’s always someone better on YouTube. Internet



“My girlfriend accused me of not living in the real world today. I and my World of Warcraft buddies were shocked.” Internet



“I’m looking forward to when Americans play level 9-11 on Angry Birds and throw bombs into towers, and a look of shock and horror covers their faces as they slowly realize… McDonald’s breakfast finishes at 11 30.” Internet



“How many Facebook users does it take to change a light bulb? Change?!” Internet



Considering ‘Sopa’ in Spanish means ‘Soup’, I think that the Spanish must be really confused as to why everyone is hating on a popular vegetable and meat stock based consumable Internet



“World Of Warcraft: Helping 16 year old boys keep their virginity since 2004 sickipedia: helping 40 year olds keep their virginity since god knows when” Internet



“The top two stories on Yahoo news today 1. Showers are bad for you. 2. 107 year old Asian woman wants to marry Spot the link” Internet



"Statistically, 50% of Sickipedians who post Michael Jackson Jokes... ...can't even spell 'Michael.'" Internet



BREAKING NEWS: Prince Charles has been caught doing crack with rent boys, Michael Jackson has revealed he faked his own death so he could protect actress girlfriend Dakota Fanning from the media, the body of Madeline McCann has been discovered by her father in the pool of Michael Barrymore, and Tom Cruise is diagnosed with AIDS; cause unknown. In other news, website Sickipedia has crashed.” Internet



“Has anyone actually tried getting ripped in 4 weeks? For all we know it could work” Internet



Nothing shouts “Unemployed” like being on sickipedia before 10 in the morning. Internet



“Sat in the hospital with my wife before as she give birth to our first son. She asked “so what do you think babe?” I replied “this is the most wonderful day of my life, and I’ve never been so proud of something I’ve created.” Then after turning my focus away from my highest scoring Joke on sickipedia I admired the child.” Internet



According to the Internet, the amount of hot local girls in my town is several times its actual population. Internet



“Just saw the Facebook group called “If I put 6 or more kisses on the end of a text, I want to smash your back door in” Bit strange really, if you like them that much why would you destroy their house?” Internet



The planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door has been laying outside for 3 days… Internet



BBC NEWS: Bath entrepreneur ‘holds the key’ to the worlds Internet security Can you imagine if someone got hold of that key and turned the Internet off? We would all be fu” Internet



“Some people say that considering abortion is the hardest thing ever. They’ve obviously never wrestled a dog biscuit from a snazzy.” Internet



“Just went round to my friend’s house. His mother said he was still in bed. So I went up, knocked on his door, and no answer… I went into his room to find his bed made, his red and white striped hat on the bed, his red and white striped jumper hung up, and his blue trousers folded on the side. He was nowhere to be seen. Wally, you’ve just made this game interesting.” Internet



“Sickipedia is like the holocaust… it’s only funny because it’s the truth.” Internet



“Headline: Woman ‘raped, burned and beaten while held captive by man she met online. Where did she meet him? Adult fiend finder?” Internet



“What’s the difference between eBay and Sickipedia. You get barred from eBay for manipulating feedback.” Internet



“Welcome back proud ginger. You have no unread mail. Who says the Internet doesn’t reflect reality?” Internet



“My wife says if I don’t start believing her more our relationship will fail. Wikipedia agrees.” Internet



“I’ve banned my two children from using Sickipedia. All the racism, abuse and paedophilia is bad enough, but for them to have to know I brag about it would just be unfair.” Internet



“Sickipedia, because looking on news websites take too long.” Internet



I can’t believe the costa coffee these days. Internet



“I don’t get why anybody on the Internet would pretend to be someone they’re not in order to prey on naive children. Then again, I’m probably just too young to understand.” Internet



“There’s a valuable lesson to be learnt from Sickipedia: There’s an upside to everything in life.” Internet



“Ok right, there’s this Internet site, that’s a complete rip off of sickipedia. The funny thing is sickipedia won’t allow me to tell you guys so we can crash their server as I’m interested if they ripped off the ‘Database Latency Too High’ message too. Go to britology . com… You’ll see” Internet



I like making myself look like a genius by taking a video of myself messing up a rubix cube and then playing it backwards. Internet



“Advert: Mum of 3 makes 379/day I knew they would be a market for pimping out kids” Internet



“I think I’ve been spending too long on the Internet. Every time I meet a Nigerian I immediately say, “Sorry to hear about your father.” Internet



“Sometimes when I look at the Sickipedia front page in the early evening it makes me wish that this country would learn to be more like America. Perhaps a few high school shootings to start the ball rolling.” Internet



“Sickipedia is like human remains to a necrophilia. What’s left is great!” Internet



It’s a pity the allied forces didn’t use Wikipedia to find Hitler. We’d have won the war in under 5 clicks. Internet



“Sickipedia FAQs Section: “I am being abused, what can I do?” Fetch the lube and prepare to swallow.” Internet



If I need to find out a different word with the same meaning as the word fat, I just quickly log onto Plentyoffish.com Internet



How come I’m always the 999,999th visitor on the same website? Internet



“I’ve made millions from my own home in the Cook Islands, by creating an Apple themed singles website. Come join us on: iLove.co.ck” Internet



Do hot Russian women get adverts saying “really unattractive white guys wish you exist and are waiting to meet up with you!” when they’re watching Family guy online? Internet



“So i just got a new job, 3rd one this week would you believe it. I’ve been a teacher and given out plenty of detentions, I’ve been a pool boy, and I’ve been working in an office waiting until it’s just me and my secretary alone. I’m beginning to think red tube is not based on real events.” Internet



Nothing says “I’m an obese, ugly and depressed woman with a face like a bag of spanners”, more than having fantasy pictures of fairies and warrior princesses instead of real profile pictures on Facebook. Internet



BBC News: Google accuses Bing of “copying”. How many Internets does Google think there are?!” Internet



“I and my girlfriend have a great relationship. We never stop talking to each other about things, and we both like things the other has to say, which is always good in a great relationship. We send gifts to each other, the other day she sent me a cake, and she’s so lovely! We do lots of things together, we bowl against each other, and we like to do things at a local farm and help each other out, which any great couple would do. We even like to hot it up a bit, like just the other day I was poking her for over an hour. I love Facebook.” Internet



“With the suggestion of thickipedia being made for Americans, I’m sure that isn’t low enough for people who live in southern states of America. I propose that we banish them to ‘hickipedia.org’” Internet



“I’ve just started a conga on Twitter. I got 342,053 followers.” Internet



“My local launderette has started up an Internet service wash. They wash your clothes for you and then dry them online.” Internet



The updated ‘Add a Joke’ function on Sickipedia has more checks, than a Moscow brothel. Internet



If people on Match.com were so brilliant and funny and intelligent, surely they would have girlfriends? Internet



“Just seen this group on Facebook: Join if you’ve lost your mum/dad in asda, Tesco or co-op ect That happened to me but we all laugh about it now. Except my mum, she was crushed under the cans of beans that fell on her.” Internet



“I just got the job as a History teacher at a local school. In my first lesson I said, ‘there are 3 things you need to know about History.’ Ctrl H. Right Click. Delete.” Internet



I was thrilled when I heard about In Private browsing. I’ve cleared my History so many times it’s forgotten who the Romans are. Internet



“Some people have claimed they spend too much time on Sickipedia because they learn the news from the Joke. That’s nothing, the only reason i knew it were mother’s day on Sunday was because of this site.” Internet



“I don’t understand this STOP Mashing Joke it’s not funny AND WHAT’S MORE IT’S A REPEAT” Internet



"So you lot think you’re a pretty tough crowd eh? I bet you've never asked a bus load of Black Panther members where you can find the nearest Klan meeting? Yeah, didn't think so! Dave inpatient The Wellington Hospital Spinal Unit- Wellington Place St Johns Wood London NW8 9LE" Internet



Why is it that you suddenly turn into a comedy genius when the sickipedia screen says “slow down there tiger you have to wait 59 minutes to post another Joke”? Internet



I met my last 4 girlfriends on this very site… and now my boss has fired me……. I pulled too many Sicki’s Internet



I’m planning on making a new Facebook account with the name “benefits” …That way when a few people add me, it’ll say “X and 6 other people are now friends with benefits” Internet



“I just noticed people joining the “I shouldn’t be allowed a phone when I’m drunk!” group on Facebook… Well I don’t think they should be ALLOWED to make a group unless they can spell properly” Internet



“Jokes that take up a lot of room on the front page are like desperate fat birds: The bigger they are, the faster they’ll go down.” Internet



Sickipedia on your mobile phone; like having a ginger hating rapist pulling wisecracks in your pocket… Internet



Google suggestions: Proof that you’re not the only weirdo out there. Internet



Went round my mate’s house to see he’d had a rain forest installed in his living room complete with snakes, monkeys and tree frogs. I said: “So, your Amazon order finally arrived.” Internet



“Sickipedia’s server about as stable as Heather Mills with termites (The first few times I tried posting this, I got the ‘lost connection to the database’ error. I think I’ve made my point.)” Internet



“I hate it when people pull me up for telling sick Jokes. I mean just because it’s not their sense of humour doesn’t mean we should be persecuted does it? I always just say, you’ve either gotta laugh or cry. And crying is for poofs and woman.” Internet



Rob Manuel goes into a Library and forgets to ask for a book on website maintenance. Internet



“Jokes on Sickipedia are kind of like my 8 year old daughter. Technically, not mine, but I still use them in front of my mates.” Internet



Sickipedia. Removing more tags than the home office since… Today. Internet



“Been playing hangman over the Internet this weekend with an 8 year old girl I think I won!” Internet



“My boyfriend came round with his 8 mates the other night and were trying to explaining something about a Joke. After an hour I had to lie and say I got the Joke as I was getting sore down there and he was getting angry. His mates are coming round next week when he`s at work to try explain again.” Internet



I may as well invite the Sickipedia moderators around to my house. I have a dead body here I don’t know what to do with and they have a habit of making things disappear. Internet



“I’ve offended a lot of people with my trolling on the Internet, but it’s all water under the bridge now.” Internet



“A place where there’s no right or wrong, freedom to do whatever you say and whatever you want. Some would call this heaven. I call it Sickipedia.” Internet



Statistically…. 9 out of 10 Sickipedians are fed up with statistics. Internet



It always amuses me that no matter how hard i try to find a nice girl, when I go onto the Internet I’m told there are always plenty of “Hot women who want me in my local area”. Internet



DATABASE Leniency too high. There are 854 looking at this page. Time to update the Commodore 64 lads” Internet



“Sickipedia Stand-up Comedy Night – do YOU want to do 5 months in intensive care, under 24/7 Police guard? Get in touch ASAP.” Internet



“I was really excited when I heard about the Sickipedia app for the iPhone, iPod touch etc. But being an honest guy I can’t download it, as it says that the content must only be viewed by persons over 17 years old. It’s a shame, really, I’m in my late 30’s but I share my iPad with my girlfriend.” Internet



“Helpful hint #1 When arranging to meet a girl from the Internet, who “spreads ‘em easily”…. Make sure she doesn’t mean diseases.” Internet



If you printed out every page of the Internet and laid them one on top of the other……………..environmentalists would go nuts. Internet



“I just got banned from the Apple store. That’s the last time I ever listen to those “ Shoot 5 iPads And Win “ ads.” Internet



“My girlfriend has just called me ‘sick’ after walking in on me on Sickipedia, what would she have called me if she’d walked in 5 minutes earlier?” Internet



“Schoolboy, 15, hangs himself after ‘being plagued by online bullies’ “ See, it’s not nice calling people forum rats.” Internet



BBC News: “Indian plane crash kills scores” So that’s why all my Jokes are doing so badly this morning.” Internet



“My sickipedia app isn’t working. I feel like a rapist without his rohypnol” Internet



You know you’ve took a wrong turn when all WiFi Networks are gang names. Internet



"Yesterday I was told I was the 999,999th visitor to this website and won a prize- logged on today to find I am still the 999,999th visitor. I am alone on the Internet........" Internet



“Just seen a Facebook group called: ‘Join if u say “b-e-a-u-ti-ful when writing beautiful!’ Clearly they forgot to say it the second time round…” Internet



“I used to appear in Strongbox Ads… Then I took two arrows to the knee.” Internet


“So there is a huge power cut across India, over 300 million people affected directly… Are they including those of us who can’t call for tech support?” Internet



Did you know every time you press F5 a paki dies? Internet



“So a pigeon beat broadband in a race. That’s impressive, but i still can’t watch two girls one cup on a bird.” Internet



Sickipedia has saved me so many trips to confession Internet



Nothing says you’re an illiterate 12 year old boy whose uncle makes you do things you don’t understand like starting your sentences without a capital letter. Internet



Wanted to sue the manufacturers of my two-legged tripod, but I was told it’d never stand up in court. Internet



“Seen on Facebook how many ‘likes’ girls get when they post pictures of their babies on their walls. So I thought I would give it try. Didn’t go down well. Know where near as popular as I thought. And the mother and father where furious.” Internet



The Internet- It doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others. Internet



“Emile Heskey’s wife is to divorce him after he didn’t buy her the anniversary present she wanted online. Apparently he couldn’t find the net.” Internet



“I think British rail have taken over the Sickipedia forums Running slow, running late, permanent connection problems, and at peak times……not running at all.” Internet



“I find it very difficult to imagine a life without Sickipedia… Having a job, having a girlfriend, having friends, owning my own house, owning my own car…” Internet



“The Facebook Stalker Check… Decreasing Masturbation Time Since 2009” Internet



BBC News: ‘US relaxes grip on the Internet’… …Only after the helmet has turned completely purple.” Internet



“It’s said that if we don’t heed the lessons from History, then we are destined to repeat the same mistakes. Not me! I always make sure I clear mine, ever since the wife read my last one.” Internet



I’m a Sickipedian and version 3 wasn’t our idea. Internet



Sickipedia. The only place a Joke about football is more frowned upon than a Joke about raping dead babies. Internet



“No Bandwagons No Duplicates Just Offending Americans Carlsberg Don’t Do Jokes…” Internet



OMG Try this it really works! Copy and paste this on to 10 different websites and absolutely nothing happens! I’ve done it and it really works – nothing happens – it’s amazing!” Internet



“I’ve just logged into Sickipedia for the first time, it’s brilliant, I’ve never laughed so much in my life ……. ……. well not since my wife died anyway !” Internet



“Honestly , you can tell when you have your priorities wrong and no life You dread the day “Database Latency” and “ YouTube is down for maintenance” happen together.” Internet



“Twitter has unfortunately led to the propagation of a whole new range of virulent computer viruses. Many of them are untweetable.” Internet



“I have 370 friends on Facebook. 80 of my friends like “glee”. I have 290 friends on Facebook now.” Internet



“Just pushed a hipster down the stairs. I suppose you can say he’s a tumblr.” Internet



Form spring… Making cyber bullying anonymous since 2010 Internet



So this SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish bar, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor. Internet



“Now that V.3 of Sickipedia has been launched I finally have something to look forward to in life. V.4.” Internet



How many of you actually went on BBC News before you found out about Sickipedia? Internet



“Don’t bury this Joke… It’s an Organ Doner” Internet



There’s a new website for people from Norfolk to trace their Family History and build a Family tree based on the results. It’s called incestry.com. It’s a shame they don’t have the opposable thumbs to use it. Internet



My Jokes about the Cloned Cows keep getting deleted because they’re duplicates Internet



“What do you get when Facebook goes down? A Social Life” Internet



“I really hate some of the very patronizing groups on Facebook like if you get this” Internet



Whoever says patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow Internet connection Internet



I wish they had confused.com when I was a teenager. Internet



“Note to self, always delete Internet History before giving a presentation at work, especially if you have to go to YouTube during to expand on a point. Bit late for parents evening but next time I’ll remember” Internet



“I’m always happy to dispense inaccurate or fabricated child-rearing advice. I’m a Wikipediatrician.” Internet



“I’ve never heard of a Jew being a member on Sickipedia… Presume that’s because they’d rather give 0.2 than 1” Internet



“Harry Houdini is on the Google logo. Bet he will have disappeared by tomorrow.” Internet



“Facebook. One of the only places where, if you are a girl, you can upload a picture of yourself wearing only your underwear and people will call you “Pretty”.” Internet



Twitter: the only time you should get excited about being followed Internet



“My wife said she is leaving me because I spend too much time online #mustbethattimeofthemonth” Internet



“The Internet, where the trolls are men, the men are kids, the kids are cops, and the girls are confused teenaged boys.” Internet



“Just when you perverts thought you were safe, Google Toolbar releases the “Most Viewed” Function.” Internet



“Sickipedia admins can obviously take a Joke. Off the site if they don’t like it.” Internet



I really don’t understand EBay. I’ve got valuable items on there that don’t get a bit of interest, but some tatty old pictures of me as a kid in the bath has already got 6 bids. Internet



15- the amount of times I will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on Facebook. Internet



“What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? URLologist.” Internet



I’ve just read that Instagram is down. My friends will just have to describe what they’re having for lunch instead… Internet



Mobile Internet…. Allowing me to beat one off in Public toilets since my upgrade in Dec 2008 Internet



How many people are now sorely disappointed after googleing David Richards UFO photo to no avail? Internet



“Friends Reunited.com: the most effective way to find all your old school mates……… And kill them.” Internet



Am I the only one to take it personally when you get an E-Mail saying mail delivery failure notification? Internet



There’s something just not right about tormenting Lime Wire Pro. Internet



“My wife says that getting married is the best feeling in the world. She’s obviously never posted a Joke on Sickipedia, then get called away immediately to return in 4 hours and find out that it is showing on the front page of Todays’ Best Jokes.” Internet



“The new google chrome opens up a list of the websites you visit most when you want a new tab. Double the reason to make sure you delete your History.” Internet



“I don’t believe in all these Internet conspiracy theories. I think they were put there by aliens to confuse us.” Internet



“Politically I’m far left. But my Jokes are only ever far right.” Internet



“I always leave my browser open on a Jokes website. Just in case my Internets down.” Internet



“I feel sorry for the person who writes those Wikipedia pages. I bet teachers never accept his homework.” Internet



BBC News: Internet safety for children targeted The lessons are one element of a new government strategy being unveiled called “Click Clever, Click Safe”. I have changed my user name to Clever Safe…Now I can just sit back and wait for the kids to come to me.” Internet



It’s a sad time we live in when the first result for B on Google images is Blue Waffle Internet



I haven’t seen this many negative score’s since I marked that American platoon’s I.Q. test’s. Internet



I don’t even need to go on sickipedia anymore, I can just go on Facebook Internet



“In order to join Sickipedia you have to take a “humanity test” Doesn’t seem to be working” Internet



Want to be an Internet legend? Take loads of laxitives then go through the airport with 2 cases looking really nervous. When security say, “Excuse me sir, I’m afraid we’re going to have to perform a full cavity search” simply reply, “ok, but for legal reasons, can my mate film it…?” Internet



“I’m ginger, and as a result spend a lot of my time indoors, on the Internet. Luckily, I’m now fantastic at poker and I got ripped in 4 weeks.” Internet



“Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by its reviews on Amazon.” Internet



“My girlfriend complained because I spend all day on Facebook and never take her anywhere. So I took her to the cinema, to see ‘The Social Network’.” Internet



“According to Bing, the second most popular search term in 2010 so far has been ‘Kim Kardashian’. The most popular search term was ‘What is Bing?’.” Internet



“So, Facebook has a new feature that recognizes users faces in photos. It seems Facebook doesn’t like Chinese or women in Burka’s either.” Internet



“More than 100 bodies found stuffed in wells in central Nigeria following religious riots” Pictures have been uploaded to pimpmysnack, just search rolos” Internet



“Does anyone know where I can spend my Sickipedia contribution points? I’ve just tried buying Haribo and KY Jelly in Tesco’s but they don’t accept them.” Internet



“I’m going to Las Vegas next month. If only there was a way to learn how to play poker and get ripped in 4 weeks.” Internet



“I have noticed website backgrounds are a lot like racism. Whites look professional, are most common, clever and are always work the best. Blacks look suspicious, are most commonly doing something illegal and never work.” Internet



You know your life is boring when you go to check Facebook…..and you’re already on Facebook. Internet



I love all the buried Jokes on sickipedia, I am a necrophilia though. Internet



“What’s almost always White and is disgusting to young girls? A sickipedian” Internet



“I was outraged yesterday to find that Facebook had suggested that my 12 year old son became a fan of Adolf Hitler. I immediately switched off his computer, beat him and sent him to bed without supper. I can’t believe he wasn’t already a fan.” Internet



“I logged onto littlegirlslaughter.com last night. Imagine my disappointment when all it turned out to be was a load of kids laughing.” Internet



“I have just been going through my spam mail! One message asked if I wanted a beast in my underpants, I thought I had blocked Father O`Connor.” Internet



“I don’t know why this is called ‘Sick’ ipedia. A five minute conversation with my granddad is more offensive than this site.” Internet



“Since Sickipedia’s update, random symbols have started to appear in new Jokes. Oh well, at least now Americans have a chance of spelling pedophile correctly.” Internet



Save money on Sim’s games by simply closing the laptop and going outside! Internet



“I was on safari the other day. Then I thought… ‘This is much better that Internet explorer’” Internet



“I recently got married on Facebook, it’s much better than a real Marriage as the divorce proceedings are really easy to go through. It’s just a shame it’s not any easier to hide the body.” Internet



When was the last time Sickipedia had so many hits of a Sunday morning? Internet



“First a global recession, then Australia catches up in flames, next an earthquake shakes Italy, and now there is a worldwide swine flu alert. God must be very happy with us Sickipedians.” Internet



“Google Image “Burkini”. Hilarious.” Internet



I’ve been told I use the Internet too much and I have trouble differentiating the real world with my online life. This was discovered after I wanted to ask a girl out on a date and got arrested for writing on her wall. When I sent her a poo it didn’t go down well either. I’m now beginning to understand why that woman slapped me when I poked her on the bus Internet



“Be honest, there is no fear on this earth like waiting for your Internet History to clear quickly while someone urgently needs to use your laptop.” Internet



Watching your kids being born is so overwhelming, but nothing compares to the feeling of your first Joke being posted on sickipedia Internet



Is anyone else at least slightly amused at Wikipedia’s gross over estimation of how generous people are at donating? Internet



“I tried setting up my own aviation business it just didn’t take off” Internet



“Why can I remember an obscure duplicate Joke on here from a year ago but cannot remember to notice my wife’s new haircut when I see her? Guess it’s all about priorities…” Internet



After reading some terrible spelling mistakes on Sickipedia, I suggest that some of the contributors should try and improve their spelling by going to school with their girlfriends. Internet



“A recent study shows that 3 out of 10 teens chat with strangers online. The other 7 teens actually have friends.” Internet



“This new ultra-fast fibre-optic Internet is brilliant. No more waiting around for days to infect my PC with a Trojan.” Internet



“I’m sick of seeing all these children’s TV cartoons set as every ones display picture on Facebook. I see enough of Pingu and Rosie and Jim when my girlfriend gets her choice of what to watch on TV.” Internet



Bebo has been shut down. Tens of people will miss it. Internet



“Pep posted: Girls on dating websites: Single mother is not an occupation. The word you are looking for is unemployed. Proof that all Sickipedians are single.” Internet



“Search Results for: German humor No Jokes found matching your query. “ Even the website itself has a sense of humor.” Internet



Only on the Internet do I choose to ignore an attractive woman completely naked asking me to check out her pictures. Internet



"Buffering 20%......buffering 45%.....buffering 68%...buffering 87%....100% buffered that’s the floor done; I'm off home." Internet



Happy Birthday Google, correcting bad spelling since 1998 Internet



“I’ve just found a website filled with information about hard woven fiber formed into a rigid material, usually used for baskets or furniture. I love Wicker Pedia.” Internet



I’m a PC and the ‘Delete History” option on Windows 95 was MY idea Internet



“I saw a flame red fox earlier, surfing the web looking for cheese. It was a Mozzarella Firefox.” Internet



“Yahoo! News: ‘Landslide kills 12 at orphanage’ It’s times like this when they really regret their website name.” Internet



“A website recently suggested I join its spin-off online dating community. It’s me and four thousand other racist male grammar nerds.” Internet



“Members in the Facebook group BAN SICKIPEDIA – 19 Members in the Facebook group Sickipedia (sick Jokes) – 1676 we win now delete your group!” Internet



I never bookmark webpages, I just fold down the corner of the Internet Internet



“Just seen the Facebook group: “All women do is cry and bleed” …And the cooking if she knows what’s good for her.” Internet



Nothing says “I can’t sleep” quite like watching Sign Zone when you have perfectly good hearing Internet



Facebook – a conspiracy by happy people to make you like everything. Internet



“My girlfriend and I are expecting a baby soon. It’s due in a few weeks, but then you can never be totally sure with eBay” Internet



“There’s only one thing more satisfying than one of your Jokes getting a good score on Sickipedia… Rape” Internet



Why is it that around 4pm GMT the average IQ on this site plummets? Internet



No Facebook. I don’t want to know all the obscure people other people are friends with. Internet



Isn’t it ironic that the people they created social networking websites are computer programmers? Internet



“Tragedy + Time = Comedy In the case of Sickipedia simply remove time.” Internet



“Bill Gates just started a chain of restaurants. Customer: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your support staff. May I please have your telephone number, and address? Your visit may be monitored for training purposes. Now, please tell me your problem. Customer: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Please exit the restaurant and re-enter through the front entrance. Is the fly still there? Customer: Yes, the fly is still in my soup Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the spoon. Try ladling with the other hand Customer: Whichever hand I use to spoon the soup, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Customer: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: It looks like a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Customer: Your colleague brought the bowl on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? Waiter: What was the last thing you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every 10 minutes. Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is mushroom. Customer: OK, I’ll try the mushroom soup Waiter: Here is your soup of the day. Customer: This is celery soup. Waiter: Yes, the mushroom soup is still in beta testing. Old Habits…” Internet



“Apparently on the Internet, advertising companies can monitor your browsing and generate adverts to suit. It works for me, I keep getting directions to the nearest playground.” Internet



You know you have no true place in society when your Joke gets deleted from Sickipedia for being “too racist”. Internet



“So the owners of pirate bay are in prison for 1 year for breaching copyright laws but the site is still running perfectly fine. That’s like me going to prison for stealing a car but when I’m inside my wife can use it to get to work?” Internet



I’m beginning to think maybe I’m not so funny after all. I’ve had more burials than Fred West’s patio. Internet



In my defense on Facebook she was “interested in men”. Internet



“Most disappointing three words for a man? “Get access now” Internet



“I’ve just seen the Facebook page; “If you saw me in the back of a police car what crime would you think I had committed?” Nice to see Facebook have made a page for black users.” Internet



“I’ve just donated 3 to the NSPCC. So far Pikachu, the Power puff Girls, Donald Duck and the Care Bears have donated nothing.” Internet



“Seeing the video of that horrible woman on the train, I can’t express how much of an awful influence on her child and a disgrace to Great Britain she is. I can’t believe she was sitting in an aisle seat when there was an empty seat next to her!” Internet



1880: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook. Internet



Tip- If you ever murder someone, and need to dispose of the body, I have the perfect place to hide it- Page 2 of Sickipedia's "New Jokes Today." No-one ever looks there! Internet



“A sickipedia administrator walks into a Library and says, “I’m looking for a book…” The librarian interrupts him, “Early learning section.” Internet



I innocently went on the American Apparel website looking for a fleece, and it said the database latency was too high, what have you lot done? Internet



Anyone else find it ironic that Google Wave is released today? Internet



“Bare-naked Ladies is a Juno-winning and Grammy-nominated Canadian alternative rock band. Whose music I love with songs such as ‘Pinch Me’ and ‘Underage’ And that’s why those searches are on my computer your Honour.” Internet



“The last 24 hours with Sickipedia being closed for maintenance have been the worst of my year so far. And my baby son died on New Year’s Day, I never even had any material for the funeral.” Internet



“A man walks into a Library and asks, “Have you got the Sickipedia Joke book?” The librarian replies, “Yes, we have all the volumes! I wouldn’t bother reading the lot though, all the Jokes are basically the same, just worded differently.” Internet



I was dumping my old sofa in the park. A policeman said ‘are you aware that’s fly tipping?’ I said ‘Thanks, blood’. Internet



"Top Tip: Sickipedians, if you didn't go online the previous day and wish for a brief overview of the Jokes read the Daily Star 'Jokes' in today's newspaper. 80% will have come from Sicki." Internet



“I had a look through my wife’s eBay search History today. It revealed a great deal.” Internet



“So Fernando Torres has finally got a twitter account. I wonder what took him so long…. Probably couldn’t find the net.” Internet



“The moment you know Sickipedia has truly corrupted your soul: When you see the headline “Rapist who murdered mother and girl jailed for 32 years” and try to think of a Joke about it.” Internet



“A man walks into the Library and asks if they have an unpopular work on Chinese Communism. The librarian says, “What, a little read book?” Internet



Getting a message on sickipedia is like the police pulling up outside your house, either way its not good news. Internet



"Slogan of 2010 Google before You Tweet Is the New Think before You Speak -" Internet



“I see there’s a new website you can visit that shows a list of all the sites you’ve visited while private browsing. It’s called: Divorce.com” Internet



“Number 372. I met you in the park one night as I was walking home. You started following me and ended up dragging me behind a bush despite my pleas for you to stop. After raping me and recording the event you found me on Facebook and tagged me in the video. How we can lol about it now!” Internet



“New tagline for my Russian bride website: ‘Because true love doesn’t cost a thing… (Excl. p&p)’” Internet



“My luck is just unbelievable! I’ve been the 1,000,000th visitor on several websites now. All they needed was my bank account details. Can’t wait for my iPhone 6!” Internet



“I can’t believe they shut down Wikipedia. How else am I going to make up diseases just to get out of work.” Internet



“I have just found a brilliant website on how to improve your Ventriloquism. It’s Gubawue Gubawue Gubawue Got……….” Internet



“A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on inconvenience. The librarian says; “Unfortunately, the last copy got borrowed not 3 minutes ago.” Internet



“According to a Facebook page “Every Relationship starts as a friendship”. Not true; mine usually start with spiking someone’s drink.” Internet



When I see some people on Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop Internet



Facebook….helping me keep in touch with people I don’t know since 2004. Internet



Don’t you just hate those weirdoes on chatroulette who ruin it for the rest of us by not masturbating? Internet



When I play Run escape, the only thing that levels up is my virginity. Internet



“Osama Bin Laden is reported to be on Facebook. His page is great, I can see all his friends, all his pictures but I can’t seem to get into the “Where I’ve been” section of his page.” Internet



“Sickipedia has become a lot like my wife. Hasn’t been down for ages.” Internet



“I got an email from a Nigerian friend saying I have to see this website called sickipedia as its front page has the funniest sick Jokes I will ever see! The worst 8 million quid I’ve ever spent….” Internet



“My wife was involved in a car crash today. She said it was the most terrifying experience of her life she’s clearly never sat there trying to remember if she’s deleted her Internet History before someone else uses the computer Internet



My kids are growing up so fast. Anyway, back to sickipedia. Internet



“I saw a group on Facebook called ‘Holding on is tough, much tougher than letting go or simply quitting.’ Is this talking about relationships or taking a dump?” Internet



I am never using eBay again! Just received my ‘black and white’ printer, thieving seller never gave me any white ink! Internet



“My Jokes are like my browsing History: Almost always deleted except the occasional piece that goes unnoticed.” Internet



“A man’s best friends are his tools. Especially ‘Delete Browsing History.’” Internet



I have created a Twitter account called “The Yellow Brick Road” and I am going to follow it Internet



“I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google’s Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments. Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.” Internet



“Contrary to popular belief, getting a retweet off a celebrity. Does not cure Cancer.” Internet



Only Texans would name a card game after what they do to their daughters. Internet



Man asks the librarian if she’s got any books on marriage vows. she says “I do” Internet



With the recent deletion of Jokes, I’m beginning to wonder how long it will be till we can post Jokes worth telling at all…. Internet



I used to be scared of Mr. T… Until I found out he was into Warcraft. Internet



You know you’re struggling to write sickipedia Jokes when you start reading the “More Recipes’ section of the BBC homepage Internet



“I just saw an advert on Facebook which said “Do you also love cute baby pics like this one? Then click on ‘Like’ below to see many more funny and cute baby pictures.” Facebook knows me too well.” Internet



“I keep getting mail offering the secret to lasting longer in bed! No thanks, when I’m paying by the quarter hour 8 minutes is plenty for me thank you.” Internet



“Racism against Britain? Come on! Let’s see how many paki’s have Internet!” Internet



Have you ever searched for ONE FACT on Wikipedia and then two hours later you realize that you know everything about the Soviet Union? Internet



“I can’t believe how hard it is to use Sickipedia! I’m seeing more crashes than Prince Harry in his nightmares!” Internet



Anyone else feel like they’re cheating on iTunes with LimeWire? Internet



I used to be all tight and think racism was hectic and wrong. Now I just think it’s one big Joke, Cheers sickipedia Internet



You know those funny emails you get at work and then forward on to everyone else? Well thousands of people have already had that Joke via their Outlook… so we don’t want to see you claiming to have come up with it yourself by posting it on Sickipedia! Internet



“Facebook groups; knowing everything people thought were traits unique to them. Sickipedia; knowing everything about people that Facebook groups can’t post.” Internet



“My girlfriend just joined the group “I miss being a little kid”… Me too, she’d be much more attractive.” Internet



“Desperation: wanting to share a Joke so badly you create another sickipedia account” Internet



“A pair of 18 whole Dr. Marten boots walk into a bar. Barman says, “Why the long lace?” Internet



“I want to get tickets for the Hammer fall tour advertised on Sickipedia. Not because I think they’re any good, But because I would really like to go back to May 2010.” Internet



“I was installing my grandmas Internet when she collapsed and died… I was devastated, we had a good connection.” Internet



“How many spastics does it take to change a light bulb? I’m not sure, but I’ve got 40 in my garage, a video camera and a YouTube account. Let’s find out!” Internet



Isn’t it strange…………? I can spend hours online, but as soon as my girlfriend comes round, there is nothing I want to look at on the Internet. Internet



“Windows 7 “making your pc simple” I suppose “the thalidomide of the computer world” didn’t have the same ring to it” Internet



“Sickipedia has become totally overrun by kids finding humour in Pokémon, Facebook and Call of Duty. These days I only read the Jokes to work out who I should groom next.” Internet



“If I had a point for the time I was accused of cheating at Sickipedia. I’d have 967274 points.” Internet



I wonder if the people getting these Derrick Bird Jokes by text, then putting them straight on Sickipedia, will eventually realize that the person who sent the text got the Joke from here in the first place. Internet



“Just got sent a message from Sickipedia: ‘Abuse of other members either by PM or on the front page will not be tolerated. This is a Jokes website and an online community and, as such, it is important that is does not degenerate into a slanging match between the users.’ I only pray to God that Ian Huntley, Jordan, Jill Dando and Madeleine McCann don’t join, otherwise we’ll all be screwed.” Internet



“The ups and downs of Chatroulette the downs: Men masturbating. The ups: Knowing half of them are on Sickipedia.” Internet



“Sickipedia’s don’t do ugly fake pictures about your whole life story like on Facebook or silly statements about where you are, what you’re doing with who later, like on Twitter but if they did it would probably be the best Joke in the world” Internet



“To plan surprises like gifts or birthdays, Google Chrome offers the incognito browsing mode. Let’s not beat around the bush Google, we both know why I’m here.” Internet



“Just logged into my instant messenger, and my wife is online. Under her name is says Idle. Technology is so smart these days.” Internet



I think it’s fair to say if it wasn’t for blacks, Pakis or Madeleine McCann, Sickipedia would be about as much use as Stephen Hawking’s treadmill. Internet



“So Sickipedia is ironing out a few last minute problems? It had better be a woman doing it…” Internet



Bulimia – Taking the sick out of sickipedia. Internet



According to Wikipedia, Robert Ripley died today in 1947, though I don’t know if I believe it or not. Internet



“I put the “me” in Down Syndrome. By using force.” Internet



“Just saw the Facebook status: “A week full of pure football what more could you want!” A Girlfriend?” Internet



The Internet: Uniting pedophile’s globally since 1990. Internet



“They say the simplest of things can ruin strong relationships… …for me, it was forgetting to press Ctrl-Shift-p” Internet



“Bing’s most commonly searched phrase: “Why is Google down?” Internet



“I just had to give negative feedback to a top rated seller on EBay. I ordered some new printer cartridges about two weeks ago now, and they still haven’t arrived.” Internet



“I hate people that put pictures of their newborn babies as their profile pictures on Facebook… Then they have the cheek to send ME a message saying “Who are you?” when I “Like” it and report me for commenting “Potential…” Internet



“Goturkey.com A great website if you get locked outside your home.” Internet



“I’m switching my Broadband to Sky because my current provider refuses to cooperate with me and frustrates me every single time I want to do anything. Typical Virgin.” Internet



“I just checked my current location on Google maps. According to that, I’m in my neighbour’s house across the street.” Internet



“‘Ke$ha Tweets picture of herself peeing in road’. Fans say it’s the best thing she’s ever released.” Internet



"Why doesn't Facebook automatically show you the one new post? -------------------------------- Why doesn't sickipedia?" Internet



I do love Facebook. It’s the only chance I get to poke the wife these days. Internet



“Dear Facebook status readers that Joke you’re going to post is from Sickipedia. There’s an easy way round this: look at the “Top 10” Jokes first, if it’s not there, go to “More from today”, it’s more than likely it’ll be there. Kind regards.” Internet



Nothing says ‘I am ugly’ like a blank Facebook profile Internet



“Gags. First time it’s kinky. Second time it’s a duplicate.” Internet



“‘The server is experiencing extreme load. Please try again later.’ Who died?” Internet



“What’s that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cartoons? Well, that’s okay then, no beatings tonight.” Internet



“I hate it when the Jokes on the site are set out exactly how they are on Facebook like if you agree” Internet



“I think ChatRoullete should ban all these users who make it worse for the rest of us. No one wants to see a fat girl pop up when you’re tossing away.” Internet



Is it just me or is it every time Sickipedia lags people check the news to see if Jade Goody has died? Internet



“I need all of you Sickipedians to help me. Just recently, my son was murdered by a black man, who then escaped and was never caught… I need all of you to go out and shoot ANYBODY befitting this description. Please, do it for my son…” Internet



You know you’re a paedophile when everyone on your Facebook is going on about Santa coming. Internet



“I really hope the Sickipedia maintenance team is not undergoing all these changes with a Bear with them. In my experience, Bears do not do well around computers.” Internet



“I currently feel like a failed Roman… …unable to get into the forum.” Internet



“My Asian girlfriend enjoys my musical door bell, despite it going on for ages…. she love my long chime.” Internet



“First Steven Griffiths, then Gary Coleman and finally Derrick Bird. That’s 3 Sickipedia members we’ve lost in the past week.” Internet



“News Report: Sickipedia website crashes today as they run out of 10p’s for the meter.” Internet



“Facebook and Twitter used in search for missing architect Jo Yeates” Call me pedantic, but don’t you need to go OUTSIDE to find someone?” Internet



“Royal Marines Advert: “If you think you’ve got what it takes to be a royal marine, search for us online or find us on Facebook” I just googled ‘Royal Marines’ and found them, looks like I’ve got what it takes to be one” Internet



“I was browsing the Internet when a message popped up requiring me to upgrade my flash. So I threw away my trench coat and bought a cashmere instead.” Internet



“403 Forbidden: The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it.” Wow, never in my life… The Internet just stood up for itself!” Internet



“Mistakenly typed Facebonk into Google search 2 minutes ago just bookmarked Facebonk a minute ago” Internet



“I walked in on the wife on the Internet. “You’re like a spider!” I said. “Because I’m always on the web?” she giggled. “No. I want you out of my house as soon as possible.” Internet



“The two sliders on the Wonga.com website should really be “How much cocaine do you want?” and “When are you selling your car?”.” Internet



“Mr. Facebook Mark Zuckerberg wants us to live in a more connected world…. But to do this he wants us to sit on our own in front of the computer” Internet



You know you’re spending too much time on Sickipedia when you start having dreams about the tag cloud. Internet



“In the beginning, the Word existed. The Word was with Humour and the Word was Funny. Funny existed in the beginning with Humour. Through Humour all Jokes were made, and apart from the Jokes nothing was funny that has been funny. In Humour was Laughs, and those Laughs brought life to Sickipedia. And the laughs reverberated through the silence, and the silence has never extinguished them. After the beginning, there were more Words, and the Words were Duplicates of the Word and were not funny. And the Laughs saw that the Words were not the Word and cast them out into the pit of Merge/Deletion. The pit of Merge/Deletion was a crowded place without Humour and there were no Laughs but Cries of Unfunny. The King of the pit of Merge/Deletion was Old Nicked Jokes and he set about planting Demons in the land of Sickipedia to eat into the hearts and souls of Jokers and to test them with the Temptation of the Unfunny.” Internet



“Does anyone else read their eBay feedback over and over again to make themselves feel better? Nope? No one?” Internet



Funny how the ‘network timeout’ sign on Firefox, comes up every time I go on something naughty Internet



“It would seem someone has been caught cheating by repeatedly changing their IP address to vote up their own Jokes. Does IP mean “Internet Pikey”?” Internet



“Sickipedia: For the acceptance Family could never give.” Internet



“I and my mate have just had a big fall out. He’s just been involved in a major car crash which left him with a paralyzed spine a dead mum and dad and a written off car. Apparently asking him when he’s going to upload the pics on to Facebook is unacceptable” Internet



“Actually, yes I am looking for a car rental Why did you think I was on YouTube?” Internet



My world was torn apart when the “daily link Joke” was a turkey baster again. Internet



Facebook – doing everything it can to shift people to Google plus. Internet



Does anyone know any good sites where I could get ripped in 4 weeks? Internet



“So I heard Mega Video was taken down today. I propose we have 72 minutes of silence in remembrance.” Internet



“It’s my 30th birthday tomorrow. I’m completely unknown and have never accomplished anything. I have no job and no prospects. Looking forward to seeing what Google has planned for me though.” Internet



Memes, inside Jokes for people who are forever alone. Internet



“Why did the queer cross the road? To get to the other backside.” Internet



Luckily for current pop artists that the Sickipedia ‘Merge’ feature isn’t used on the charts. Internet



“How do you know you spend too much time on sickipedia: See the Facebook-Group “Feed a Child with a click” and need more than one try to read “click”…” Internet



“Going to have stop spending all day on sickipedia and get a job. Just found out they’re stopping my Joke Seekers Allowance.” Internet



I’m on here so much, I think I’m turning into a sickipaedophile Internet



“I wanted a Joke about Josef Fritz today, so naturally I went on Sickipedia. It was only when I looked through the categories did I think that it’s only this site where you’d consider looking for a domestic rapist under ‘celebrities’.” Internet



So you’re buying your better half an anniversary present and you don’t want her to find out. Just turn on in-private browsing and get ripped in 4 weeks. Internet



“I started a Facebook group a few months ago called ‘Talking to people in the real word’ 0 people like this.” Internet



Today, I was desperately looking through my local Internet connections that were unlocked near my work place. I didn’t find one but I found the best Internet router name ever: ‘pretty fly for a Wi-Fi’ Internet



“Note to self: stop buying stuff on eBay when wasted. Does anyone need a Zamboni?” Internet



I’m constantly writing the wrong things on the wrong sites. FML Internet



A lot of people have started following me recently, makes me feel popular, but I’m quite scared, I don’t even have twitter. Internet



“I was browsing on the interwebs yesterday when I came across something that disgusted me to my very core. I believe it was ‘Pre-teen Emmalene drilled hard’ or something of that nature. It made me sick. Why, why in this day in age would you name a child Emmalene?” Internet



She was only the cricketer’s daughter, but she could take a full toss in her crease. Internet



“Sickipedia lets me add two Jokes per hour. This must be what it feels like to be a benefit thief.” Internet



“My Google search for a French Gaul Viking themed comic yielded no results. So I added an Asterix.” Internet



Facebook: Putting Hallmark out of business since 03’. Internet



Any notice that the new Google Instant is like a very annoying person who answers a question before you’ve finished saying the question and they’ve got it wrong! Internet



“What’s the difference between Brisbane and my spam email filter? My email has flood detection.” Internet



“The day of the royal wedding… millions of people watching this touching and beautiful event live on the Internet… it was amazing how clear the streaming video of the gorgeous, happy couple was on my computer screen. Thank you Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze and of course WebcamLesbians.com.” Internet



They have Internet on computers now? Internet



Swimming Google’s- For surfing the Internet. Internet



“What do the Internet and Religion have in common? They are both filled with lies and paedophile” Internet



I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer History if you die Internet



“I wrote a Joke about a fat guy and posted it on the Internet. It got ripped in four weeks.” Internet



“I hate it when people think that leaving out or inserting a comma or full stop is irrelevant. Try telling that to the sickipedia duplicate checker.” Internet



Until I found sickipedia, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining. Internet



Well that’s the longest time I’ve ever spent with my wife and kids. Thanks sickipedia for that little meltdown! Internet



I’m a PC, and you’re under arrest. Internet



I was recreating silent comic Harold Lloyd’s famous clock scene when I thought, “Hold on a minute”. Internet



Jimmy Wales is getting on my nerves, he keeps asking me for money on Wikipedia in a banner at the top. Maybe if he replaced that banner with an advert… Internet



“Big news from Microsoft… They haven’t found a security flaw in Internet Explorer for at least two days now.” Internet



“Why the YouTube catchphrase is ‘Broadcast Yourself’…. Last time I did that I got a 500 quid fine and a restraining order” Internet



Facebook Timeline… Making it harder to stalk since 2011. Internet



“Prayers to God can be compared to “pokes” on Facebook. A pointless feature that will often be ignored but only used when the person is extremely bored.” Internet



“My dad has taken to punishing my by removing my Internet privileges I hope he likes bodily fluids in his coffee.” Internet



“Being a guy, I’ve often wondered what do two girls that meet each other on Chat Roulette do? Do they try and chat up the other girl in the hope of seeing some Nipple if they are nice or do they just part ways as two regular guys would?” Internet



“Tiger Woods Wife Not Allowed in Ambulance” But the black man was? Something needs to change.” Internet



“On this the 14th of March we mark the one year anniversary of a tragedy in world culture. Today marks the one year anniversary of the time when sickipedia crashed for three days straight because everyone wanted to make fun of jade goody. May we never forget how we came so close to the brink of annihilation?” Internet



“I am a Christian, white, anorexic videogame playing teen. My dad is a Muslim, black, overweight jock. We came on Sickipedia together. And were considered close enough to be duplicates.” Internet



“The pope keeps on apologizing for the paedophile priests… He hasn’t been on sickipedia yet has he” Internet



“Periodic table? I didn’t even know women had a ranking system for their menstruation?” Internet



I like this new “DNS failure” feature on Facebook. It means that 9 months from today, many children will be born. Internet



Show the girls how tough you are by posting pictures of your black ops kill death ratio on Facebook Internet



“I love my ridiculously slow Internet. Everyday I’m buffering.” Internet



“Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life” Debt collectors, Police, Tax man… No thanks!” Internet



“Slow Responding Computers, Breaking up marriages since 1997.” Internet



“Stranger: hi looking for girl with webcam you: hi I’m a hairy man your conversational partner has disconnected.” Internet



“My life goal is to move to the Cook Islands and create my own candy stores called Suck My. I already have the website, and get several hits a day. I still don’t get why though, I haven’t even advertised suckmy.co.ck” Internet



Authorities want to set up a national database of paedophiles on the Internet. I’ve already found one. It’s called Facebook Internet



“I tried a bit of online gambling the other day… I bought a mattress on e-bay.” Internet



You know you lead a sad life when you think of Jokes about celebrity deaths in preparation for when they die. Internet



You know you’ve been on chatroulette.com too long when you take it as a compliment when people start talking to you Internet



“Coming off a motorway today I got to the top of the slip road and there were two identical 30mph signs and between them another sign that said ‘merge now’. As I nearly crashed the car laughing it occurred to me that I spend far too much time on this site.” Internet



“Note to self: Don’t post any “clever” Jokes or ones with long words when the majority of users are likely to be Americans” Internet



Word of wisdom to the male readers (everyone): Always check what you typed into the URL bar after finishing the web address. You never realize just how close the “s” key and the “d” key are until you type “Sickipedia” into the web address without checking and press enter. Internet



“Sickipedia Downtime. Is that like ‘Hammer Time’ for Spastics?” Internet



Depression is realizing that your entries to Sickipedia get sucked more than you do. Internet



“Facebook should have an option to not post to your profile that you have added someone better looking than your partner behind there back. It would save those mad panicking seconds of waiting for your profile to load so you can delete it manually before they find out.” Internet



“Isn’t it brilliant that a quick browse of sickipedia lasts just long enough for videos on xtube to buffer? The only problem is that as soon as it finishes buffering, I tend to drop whatever I’m doing Phew. OK, sorry, where was I?” Internet



“Everyone at the moment seems to be so upset that LimeWire got shut down, and quite frankly I’m sickened by the number of my friends who used it. I mean, everyone knows torrents are way better for pirating music anyway.” Internet



“Facebook release new relationship statuses” Shame they don’t offer ‘in a violent relationship’” Internet



"Recently i was going through my mails and I happened to see a mail. It read “There was once a 16 year old girl named Julianne. In spite of being pretty and smart and a sweet blonde girl she was ignored and hated by all for no apparent reason. Even her parents hated and ignored her. At last she couldn’t take it anymore and hung herself. Now send this to 15 people you know or Julianne will be in your bed tonight exactly at 12.00 midnight.” And I was like....So.... who's complaining?? *wink*" Internet



“Summer is my favourite time of year for one reason and one reason only… Facebook holiday bikini photos.” Internet



I can’t believe I’ve only just found out that if you type your search into Google in capitals your results appear quicker because Google knows you’re in a bad mood. Internet



I had a weird ex-girlfriend she called the cops on me because I used to sit outside her house all day, she said I was stalking her but I wasn’t, I still had the code to the WiFi. Internet



Why are they loads of statements and observations posted as Jokes? …oops Internet



“A lot of posters here see their Jokes as being their children. I see them that way too: they’re stupid, they’re ugly and I wish they’d go away.” Internet



“The band wagon of periodic table Jokes recently has highlighted the poor spelling of a lot of Sickipedians. This got me thinking… …If only they spent more time in the Library.” Internet



“I just had a real bad feeling of De Ja vu when I was looking through the Jokes of today…… Then I realized, these Jokes have already been posted ten times.” Internet



If you use Sickipedia, does that make you a Sickipedia? Internet



“Have you noticed how Google Street View only includes areas that have “Google” spray painted on the street, which just so happen to be directly facing the camera? How convenient.” Internet



I have a phd in washing machinery, people call me the spin doctor Internet



“I think those ads that say ‘Get ripped in 4 Weeks’ are underselling a bit. It’s only been 1 minute since I paid for the DVD workout routine and I feel ripped.” Internet



I hate how celebrities get away with everything. Parez Hilton can take a picture of Miley Cirus’ beaver and post it on the Internet and escape unscathed and I can’t spank my monkey to the pictures without the RSPCA waiting to take me away for prosecution. Internet



“Two men made 250m in a year by making sperm available over the Internet. Fantastic, I’d like to try that. How do you upload it from a keyboard?” Internet



When someone adds a page on Wikipedia, where do the editors check it for validity? Internet



“Would you like us to save your details for quicker access in the future?” Oh yes please HSBC that would be great. And whilst you’re at it, can you post my pin number on the notice board of the Lagos town hall, just to make sure.” Internet



“I just saw a “Like this” link on Facebook which said “I love being in the mood where I find everything hilarious” …..Stoned perhaps?” Internet



“I was looking online to buy a new punch bag. Plentyoffish.com has some amazing offers!” Internet



“Hitler has created an online game in which people build his plans for the new world he wanted, which will then be put into action. He even named it after his book. Mein Craft.” Internet



“I’m sick of this” said my girlfriend. “If you were half as dedicated to me as you are to Facebook then maybe we could have an adult relationship. I need more of a commitment.” “I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll change, starting from now.” I replied, taking a deep, nervous breath, then I said the four words I knew she wanted to hear. “Will you marry me?” But unfortunately she went offline before she had a chance to read it.” Internet



“There’s so many sheep on Twitter, I’m surprised the Welsh don’t use it as a dating site.” Internet



“As I quickly closed the tab, the manager of the Internet cafe walked towards me. He took one look at my screen and saw nothing but the Google homepage. “Sir,” he said sternly, “I know what you have been doing and we do not tolerate that in here.” I furiously stated that I wasn’t doing anything dirty and I just happened to close the tab when he came over. “I don’t believe you”, he replied. “Now pull up your pants and leave”.” Internet



“Bloke asks the librarian if he could have a book on Genies she says “You wish” Internet



You know you’ve spent too much time on the Internet when you start referring to things as ‘in real life’ Internet



“So, on Tuesday night my mate Derrick Bird posted a Joke on here that you guys voted down til it was buried. Hope he doesn’t take it too badly” Internet



“Sickipedia More downs than a special school” Internet



Has anyone got a time machine I can borrow so I can catch the Hammer fall UK tour? Internet



Cyberhypnol, time for some real Facebook raping ;) Internet



Looks like we have another ‘what colour bra are you wearing’ gaff going on with the women on Facebook. I’m guessing the question they’re answering this time is ‘where do you do your Mans ironing?’ Internet



“I find it sad that I got into a fight over the game Farmville. I find it even sadder that this fight was on Mafia Wars.” Internet



“Just got an email from GameStop about a new “Black Friday” deal Buy nothing, take anything?” Internet



BBC Sport: “Hammers destroy Man United” 3 guys 1 hammer has been out for how long? And they’re just picking this news up?” Internet



“Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the Internet back on.” Internet



“I don’t care if Google Chrome is more secure or Firefox supports more add-ons, there’s only one thing I look for when deciding which web browser to use: How fast it can clear the Internet History.” Internet



“Neil Diamond showed up in my recommendations on Twitter. I thought, “that’s a hard act to follow.” Internet



I think most people would actually rather look at a few adverts than having to stomach Jimmy Wales’ smirking face every time they want to find something out. Internet



It would be funny to make your Facebook status “OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS” and then 5 minutes later make another Facebook status that says “Well, I’m gonna test out this time machine” Internet



“Me? On MSN? Don’t be silly. I have a social life outside, not sitting on the computer all day like some sad nerd. And (yn) it will stay that way.” Internet



Why does the Sickipedia homepage offer help, when only the most experienced contributors should ever really seek it? Internet



“You know when you’re fisting animals, shouting racist comments, punching your wife, and raping the neighbours? If you don’t then why you are on Sickipedia?” Internet



Lazy Sickipedians… there’s a Joke in there somewhere Internet



“British girl, 9, killed in rafting tragedy in Turkey” No Google, that’s not what I was asking for when I searched for ‘watersports with underage girls’.” Internet



You know you have dodgy friends when you can’t tell if they’ve been frapped or if they are just having a good time… Internet



Has anyone found another use for Private Browsing, other than buying your other half a present? Internet



I just got sent a picture message from a girl I was talking to over the Internet I replied asking for a picture she has not used with the fat booth iPhone app, still waiting for her to get back to me. Internet



Just opened the tub of Uranium-235 I bought 704 million years ago to find it half empty! Absolutely disgraceful service, this is why I don’t trust eBay. Internet



I’m the kinda guy that’s so lazy I would copy and paste my suicide note from Google. Internet



“I tried to view some old emails from when I was at school. I don’t know who emailed me but hotmale.com is NOT what I remember.” Internet



Christ, if Sickipedia is crashing this much now, imagine what it’s going to be like when she dies… Internet



I used to go on MSN news. Now i just wait for an hourly update on here. Internet



“Josef Fritzl. One man that took Sickipedia Jokes a bit too seriously.” Internet



“I went into a Library and asked for a book on 21st Century Suicide Bombings. The librarian gave me the book but said, “There’s also a film adaptation that you Moscow and see.” Internet



“Dear Vista print, Stop stalking me!” Internet



I’m not saying that my Mum is set in her ways, but when I got her hooked up to the Internet the first thing she looked up was teletext. Internet



“My Asian girlfriend made me to get my poem about down syndrome sufferers published. She loved me mong rhyme…” Internet



Just been using the Zoosk dating app on Facebook and having looked at some of the profile pictures i have to say the name is quite appropriate. Internet



“I can’t believe that out of my 378 so-called ‘friends’ on Facebook, only 12 said Happy Birthday to me today. Really, what do I pay these people for?” Internet



“Every time I get sick, I always manage to use the Internet to diagnose myself and convince myself I’m dying.” Internet



BREAKING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY: If the silhouetted girl appears to be moving clockwise, you’re a paedophile.” Internet



I remember the good ole days before Facebook, when deleting friends meant having to go round their house and murder them. Internet



“I deleted my Facebook account the other day. I immediately thought, “if only there was a quick way to share what I just did with my friends.” Internet



Amazing, isn’t it? Of all the Chinese people on Chatroulette, I keep getting the same one over and over again. Internet



“My brother, a YouTube fanatic, just lost his virginity with his girlfriend. I was really proud of him until I heard he wrote ‘First!’ on the poor girl’s forehead in permanent marker.” Internet



“Sickipedia… The only website which I hover my finger over F5 after opening” Internet



“Girl, 17, who ‘met man on Internet’ is found murdered on farm track” Obviously you people are more experienced than me, where can I hide the body so it can’t be found next time?” Internet



“Sickipedia: The server is experiencing extreme load. Please try again later. Not the only thing that just experienced extreme load.” Internet



“What is the definition of a sickipedian slag? Ambidexterous” Internet



Logged onto sickipedia and got greeted with, “Welcome back UnluckyFriedKitten, would you like to go clubbing this weekend?” Well thanks, but I still have that pending court case with Green Peace, you know how it is… Internet



“Facebook: The only place I can poke my own Mother and not feel awkward the next morning…” Internet



"TIP: It is considered “creepy” by the Facebook community to post “*fap* *fap* *fap*” on pictures of your friends first scan." Internet



“My doctor recently diagnosed me with Internet Addiction. Luckily enough I’ve joined 46 online forums to help me overcome my problem.” Internet



“I think Google Circles should have been called Google Rings. I just think it sounds better For example, if I added a girl from work she would getting a message saying: ‘David would like to be in your ring’” Internet



One benefit of living in Afghanistan is the 2 hours saved per year scrolling to your country on order forms. Internet



“Child portable car-seat” Google Suggestions’ last ditch effort to save your soul” Internet



BBC NEWS: Internet racism pair lose appeal. “Two men have lost their appeals against the UK’s first conviction for inciting racial hatred via a foreign website.” Looks like Sickipedia is gonna be two members down.” Internet



“I got in a lot of trouble today for plagiarizing another person’s work. So I decided to come on here to try and relax. So I have this good one I just made up, so a man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide…” Internet



Unexploded bombs – Carlsberg don’t do war memorials… Internet



“You know when you spend too much time on Sickipedia when somebody tells you that their uncle died of a heart attack in the local Chicken Cottage Restaurant, and the only reply you give is… “pfft, Chicken Cottage isn’t a proper restaurant” Internet



At least I’ve had something go down on me, today. Internet



My mother always used to tell me that anything new I come across makes me wiser person. This would include anything I read, any person I interact with, and anything I experience in life. I actually believed her until I read YouTube comments. Internet



“Do you ever wonder why? All these young Girls on Facebook pose and look away in pictures, with a saucy cheeky look on their faces???. That’s because I’m at the window trying to get in.” Internet



Eyebrow gel is awesome – Internet



“The new website: police.uk Type in your postcode and find out how many scousers live in your area.” Internet



“I was thinking of posting a Joke on here about the World Wide Web Then I realized people who didn’t have the Internet wouldn’t get it” Internet



“I’m the victim of one of those e-mail scams from Africa. I gave them my bank details hoping for 10 million quid but all they do is take 2 quid a month.” Internet



“My wife left me because I spend too much time on the Internet. So I guess now the Joke’s on her.” Internet



“Ever since the Internet was invented I’ve been sooooo wasted!” ~ Time Internet



Nothing says ‘Happy Birthday’ like a free energy boost on Mafia Wars. Internet



I got a bit nervous when I registered myself on Party Poker and it asked me where it was recommended from Internet



“‘This free version contains Ads.’ Ad: ‘Buy the Ad free version.’” Internet



“I’ve decided that the time has come to cancel my twitter account. I don’t like to sound paranoid but I’m pretty sure people are following me.” Internet



“I just looked up a girl’s skirt… About 30,900,000 results (.437 seconds)” Internet



An empty web browser History is a sure sign of guilt. Internet



“People say the Internet is making kids dumber as they can just look everything up but I reckon, used properly, It can help kids with their education: My 6 year old can already spell lol and ffs!” Internet



“My Asian girlfriend loves it when I put a particular fruit inside her bottle of corona… That is all.” Internet



“They say bad things happen to good people. Well my fellow Sickipedians, we’re in the clear.” Internet



“Rumour has it that if a Joke scores seven positive votes in the first minute it will last longer than Justin Bieber does in bed. Actually, if it scores seven negative votes in the first minute it would still last longer than Justin Bieber in bed.” Internet



"Featured Video on YouTube: Glow stick Lesbians - Black Ninja I'm 75% happy" Internet



Look Party Poker, I only have 2 hands and frankly you’re demanding too much of them. Internet



I just saw a film about Facebook, I think I’ll let it know. Internet



“When a girl is silent, that’s pretty dangerous. She’s either overthinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, needs a hug, falling apart or crying inside. and most probably all of those above..” – A Facebook group quite obviously written by a girl. Had it been written by a bloke it would read “When a girl is silent, you know she’s either unconscious, has finally learnt her place in life, or has been so badly beaten for talking out of place she can’t quite walk or talk yet. and most probably all of those above..” Internet



“Four years for setting up a Facebook Page encouraging rioting is a bit kind. I think he should have been poked to death.” Internet



“I joined a dating website for people with STDs and now I’m being asked how I became such a Casanova. Being positive is key, I say.” Internet



“I enjoy watching rivers flowing on the Internet. I was watching a live stream earlier…..” Internet



Twitter – Taking the leg work out of stalking since 2006. Internet



“Internet dating and text messaging has changed my life. I used to date girls with standards; now I date girls with STDs.” Internet



“Just seen this Facebook group: I love it when in the middle of our kiss I can feel you smiling. I personally love it when I can feel them trying to shout and scream.” Internet



The inventor of the progress bar managed to do 99% of it really quickly, but the last bit took him ages. Internet



Whilst downloading a 4GB movie in only 5 mins, I have the right to say my Internet is pretty fly for a WiFi. Internet



“Facebook: Providing scripts for the best TV shows since 2005.” Internet



You know you’ve been staring at your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook picture for to long when you think: ‘Did she just blink?’ Internet


“I have a question for ask Ollie. Why isn’t Google working on my phone?” Internet



As an Internet user, I like to keep tabs on my favourite websites Internet



“Yesterday I was looking through the app store for something to help me light a candle. It just kept telling me ‘No matches found.’” Internet



“Not everything on the Internet is true…” Wait, so you mean there’s not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?” Internet



“My latest business venture is a online agency for Comedy Club MC’s. It’s called “MarketTheCompere.com” Internet



“I bought a print copy of a newspaper this morning. I didn’t get a chance to go on the Internet yesterday so I thought I’d better catch up.” Internet



“I think if Microsoft changed their search engine to Bang, a lot more people would start using it. “I just banged Cheryl Cole.” Internet



According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda. Internet



“So, you don’t even have to be friends with people to poke them on Facebook now. If only real life were like this. Oh, wait. I’m Tiger Woods. Real life IS like this” Internet



“The No1 search on Yahoo! at the moment is David Beckham. I think I might be able to help there… he’s in Finland.” Internet



If a bird uses twitter, what does a bear use? Internet



“What have illegal downloads and very wet weather got in common? Torrents shall reign.” Internet



“My cousin said having both parents die in a car crash was the most depressing thing that’s ever happened to her. She’s obviously never got her hopes up after posting a Joke on Sickipedia, having it voted up a few times in the first couple of minutes, only to find it’s been buried when you refresh the page 5 minutes later.” Internet



“What do Sickipedia and my wife have in common? They only suck on weekends.” Internet



“The problem with the Internet is that I’m becoming hardened to acts of extreme violence. Yesterday whilst out shopping I got an erection watching a tramp being beaten up.” Internet



I have just told iTunes that I’ve read and agreed to their Terms of Service when I actually haven’t! I’ve never felt more alive!! Internet



“I have 1 comment about your browsing History. Nothing says everything.” Internet



“Why do people feel the need to lie about their achievements to strangers on the Internet? Then again, if I hadn’t invented the microchip and penicillin maybe I’d lie too.” Internet



People will believe anything that’s said on the Internet, just ask jeeves Internet



“Plus net ‘A call centre don’t road’ , In Bradford…. So your call will still be answered by someone who doesn’t speak English and doesn’t understand a word you’re saying. Actually the call centre is in Sheffield. The Joke is still funny though.” Internet



“Boy1: Do you know there is still life beyond Internet Boy2: Really..???!!… Give me the link.” Internet



It’s so off putting when the pop-up guy flicking his poker chips starts staring at you when you’re trying to finish…. Internet



Microsoft buy Skype from EBay. Top-rated seller. Internet



“After very nearly failing to perform in bed last night, the wife said she’d pop to the Internet Cafe and research erectile dysfunction. If I went wither.” Internet



If my Facebook was an actual book, its pages would all be stuck together. Internet



I thought Jade Goody dying was the reason for sever crashing. No such luck!!!! Internet



You know you’ve been on Sickipedia too long, when you burst into the BBC studios in a cloud of cs gas, hold a gun to How Edward’s head, and demand they start coming up with better material for our Jokes… Internet



"How many Sickipedians suffer from obsessive compulsive personality disorder? About 95% of them, judging by the number of Jokes that get endlessly repeated." Internet



On Wikipedia’s article on Foot Fetishism “References” is now “Foot Notes”. Search it. Internet



“I’m a huge follower of Satan, On Twitter of course.” Internet



“It’s not just the people in DR Congo who are having a really bad day. Last night I posted three Jokes on here and this morning I have “3 unread messages” Internet



“My mate called me an untalented, unfunny, sad lonely point scorer on Sickipedia. I was so shocked I almost stopped “contributing and crediting” to other people’s Jokes.” Internet



The only acting FRED should be doing is in an advert for abortion. Internet



My Internet History is so dirty even my Internet Provider has lost its virginity. Internet



I’m considering taking out a super injunction I’m not quite sure what they are but I have noticed how a lot of people who have taken them out receive a lot of interest on twitter. Internet



"IMDB.COM- “Spider-Man” producer Laura Ziskin dies” How apt that I found out on the web........" Internet



“Let’s face it, all of us are far too handsome and interesting to use this website’s new dating service. I mean, personally, I feel I’m good enough to pull girls on Club Penguin.” Internet



“Have you heard about that anti-Muslim Internet provider? It’s called Pork pork.” Internet



Facebook: The only place you can look into young girls’ lives and not be called a paedophile Internet



Great so Google is 13 years old and already thinks it knows everything Internet



“Sickipedia’s server. >:(” Internet



What’s the betting Amazon has database latency problems before todays out. Internet



What is it with this new face book? Its suggesting I actually talk to people instead of just browse through their photos and have a lurk, that’s a sure fire way to get me deleted, good one Facebook. Internet



"Is anyone else sitting here, with 3 separate Internet explorer windows up? Sickipedia, Red tube and BBC news. ------------- Why have separate windows when you can have one window and separate tabs?" Internet



“What’s a Sickipedia’s favourite drink? Frappuccino.” Internet



“The Sickipedia Duplication Checker. Making Emile Heskey look comparatively effective since 2010.” Internet



Putting a Joke on sickipedia is like being a paedophile vicar at a wedding. You start off with good intentions then a couple of minutes later find yourself staring at the bottom of the page. Internet



“Dali Mail: Extra million ‘silver surfers’ go online as one in four Internet users are now over 50. Translation – one in four Internet users are old dirty peados.” Internet



“A mate of mine’s girlfriend is late and he said there’s nothing worse than waiting for her to get her period. He’s obviously never felt the anxiety of opening up 1 Unread Message.” Internet



I’m a PC bandwagon and my life on sickipedia is definitely coming to an end Internet



“Dad, am I okay to download this new software?” “Is it safe?” “Well, loads of people have got it!” “Loads of people have got AIDS but that isn’t safe” Internet



“Google chrome is split into two sections. Incognito. And the rest is History.” Internet



“I love the Irony… Millions of Africans starving, and yet, the birds eye views of the world cup stadiums makes them look like giant bowls of Coco Pops” Irony



There’s got to be an online course that I can take to get over my Internet addiction. Irony



My colleagues all think I’m posh. I’m not, I went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge Irony



If your name is Charlie or Mike do you still have to spell it phonetically on the phone? Irony



“My wife thinks I sound too much like Jeremy Clarkson. So I’ll try to prove her wrong. I mean, how hard it can be?” Irony



I find it ironic that people use words they don’t understand. Irony



IRONY: Getting hit by a Dodge. Irony



“My girlfriend said, “You’re too judgmental of me.” I gave her a 6/10 for her posture during that sentence.” Irony



“I always pull fat women and they all seem to say the same thing. “Stop pulling me” Irony



I love oxymoron’s, but I despise contradictory statements. Irony



“My son asked me, “what’s an example of poetic justice?” I told him, it’s like when a woman falls down the stairs, at a battered woman’s shelter.” Irony



“My girlfriend left me because I’m “a clueless idiot.” I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.” Irony



What a day for Google Wave to launch Irony



I am a master of subtlety, but not many people realize that. Irony



Ironic, you’re more likely to be English if you fail the English exam Irony



“Romanians having to flee their homes due to religious and bigoted intolerance. I didn’t think Belfast was like that.” Irony



“Apple have released a new gadget exclusive to the UK that the Americans just can’t seem to get their heads around. They’ve named it the….. IRONY” Irony



I’m against protesting, but I’m not sure how to show it Irony



I’m not posh – I’m just jolly good at Polo Irony



“I can’t believe my wife takes soaps so seriously, it’s not real. Anyway, rant over, gotta catch up on WrestleMania.” Irony



A black man asked me the other day what Irony was, so I stabbed him and took his wallet. Irony



“A few weeks ago my wife said to me, “Honey, what do you say I serve your favourite meal tonight. You can have a delicious pot roast cooked just the way you like it, with the peas, carrots, and onions on top, some creamy smashed potatoes on the side with gravy, some hot biscuits, and a Guinness to wash it all down.” I said, jokingly, “No, I’d like to just stay in tonight.” Ironically, I’ve been eating out every night since then.” Irony



My mum doesn’t see the Irony in saying ‘Your mum’ to me as an insult. Irony



I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and I thought to myself, “Wow, dogs are easily entertained.” Then I realized, I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes… Irony



Does anybody else here find it ironic that the only time we see fat people run is for the bus? Irony



“Last week the candle factory burned down at the bottom of my road. Everyone just stood around and sang ‘Happy Birthday’.” Irony



“I took a girl out on a date to a restaurant last night. At the end of the meal, the waiter brought over the bill. As I went to pay, the girl said she wanted to pay half. I told her it was fine for me to pay but she insisted and said she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Ironically, she would find out 2 hours later that neither would I.” Irony



“Britain has been declared the “booziest” nation in the world. Now off down the pub to celebrate the good news.” Irony



“I threw a ball for my dog Rover this morning and he ran out in the road and got run over by a Rover. How ironic is that? Especially as Alanis Morissette was driving it.” Irony



Fe, the Ultimate Irony. Irony



“Guy 1: Look! It’s Irony man! Guy 2: Wow! What’s his special power? Guy 1: He irons really well! Guy 2: … Guy 1: Which is ironic because he’s a man.” Irony



“I was walking my dogs through the woods today, when I came across a man tying a rope with a noose to the branch of a tree. “ Everything all right mate? “ I asked. “ Fine “, he replied. It’s good we live in such a civilized country.” Irony



These talk to frank pamphlets make excellent roach material. Irony



“Swine flu ad man catches virus” Irony 1. Advertising 0” Irony



With red, pouting lips, an enrapturing smile that brought you in, deep blue eyes which transfixed you and a body which looked like that of a goddess, Lucy had a beauty which defied description. Irony



“My wife accused me of being a selfish pig last night over dinner! I nearly choked on her steak.” Irony



I possess a colossal aversion towards individuals who utilize unnecessarily elongated formal lexis since they appear supercilious whereas, in veracity, they are tremendously inferior to the archetypal populace. Irony



I love it when people don’t get sarcasm. Irony



Talk to Frank Currently has ’49 users online’ Irony



“The emblem for the New Zealand Air force is a kiwi bird in a circle. Well done New Zealand, your emblem for the air force is a flightless bird.” Irony



“On an Inside Xbox video about Kinect and the microphone, the girl at the end talks about how she can use the Xbox from the kitchen. Irony.” Irony



My girlfriend is still with me because of my obsession with lying. Irony



“Irony [ahy-ruh-nee] noun “A fleet of 11 fire engines worth 1.3m and belonging to the national Fire Service College in Gloucestershire has been destroyed in a blaze.” Irony



You know that old saying “Don’t mix business with pleasure” …. That’s my dream of becoming a gynecologist out of the window!! Irony



Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags Irony



“Isn’t it ironic, after I spent months hanging around the gates trying to sneak into schools? My punishment was being put on the register.” Irony



“I just got my head kicked in after having an argument about Irony with the fearsomely named “Outlaws” biker gang. Within minutes they fled the scene on their fully taxed and insured motorcycles whilst ensuring they were wearing their crash helmets as instructed to do so under the Road Safety Act 1973.” Irony



“If TV series ‘Bad Girls’ has taught me anything prisons are exclusively populated by bad actors. Lindsey should be fine.” Irony



"I think I know around 90% of the topics for my math’s exam next week. Unfortunately, percentages aren't one of them..." Irony



SKY NEWS “Church Worker Stabbed at Anti-Crime Event “ Carlsberg don’t do Irony…” Irony



They always say us British are the best when it comes to understanding Irony, well obviously, we have a newspaper called The Sun!!! Irony



“My Family were getting really upset by my choice to live life as a utilitarianism. So I’ve turned my back on it, as long as it makes them happy.” Irony



“My black next door neighbour has just given birth to a baby son. She was looking for a name, so I gave her a suggestion. But she said she didn’t see the Irony in naming him Rob.” Irony



“What’s the difference between Heather Mills and Fernando Torres? Torres has two left feet.” Irony



“Talk about being hypocritical I just got 2 identical messages off sickipedia for having a duplicate Joke” Irony



Would I be terribly ironic if Bin Laden finds Maddie? Irony



“What’s the definition of Irony? Muslims claiming dogs and pigs are unclean.” Irony



I’m not a poser. I just pretend to be one. Irony



My girlfriend just broke up with me. She says I spend too Much time talking to people I don’t even know online. Just wait til ‘pokemonmaster91’ hears about this. Irony



My pessimism has never failed me but I’m sure it will one day. Irony



“I told my kid “Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it.” He replied “Yeah, dad. You’ve told me before.” Irony



Irony: Discovering that a Joke you posted complaining about people posting duplicates is itself a duplicate. Irony



Irony = “We’re making a stand against mindless music by buying Rage against the Machine like we were told to do.” Irony



Hi, I’m a U.S Squaddie. And chucking that grenade through that window was my idea. Irony



“My wife says that I’m too skeptical of everything she tells me. But I doubt that.” Irony



“Got my own back today! Had to paint some lines for the car park at the toaster factory. Made them all just a little bit too small to fit a car in.” Irony



“The uk has been named the fifth laziest nation in the world. I have got good reason why this isn’t true. I would tell you – but I can’t be bothered.” Irony



“My wife said I’m really patronizing to her all the time. I asked her for one time when this was true. She thought about it for a while and said “Ummm…What’s a good example?” I replied “Something that clearly denotes an occasion when you can reference your argument with an affirmed point.” Irony



“Definition of Irony. Having no signal in a mobile phone shop.” Irony



“Sky News: Libya Plane Crash Survivor Flies Home “I bet he was looking forward to that flight?” Irony



BBC News: ’2,400 jobs are to be axed as a result of Job Centre Plus office closures.’ ‘‘Staff will be offered jobs elsewhere’‘, said the Minister for Irony.” Irony



“My mate told me I always take things the wrong way. I was ecstatic.” Irony



“Reggae star Beenie Man has given an interview to MTV News, in which he describes his struggle to achieve success in Europe, having had an uphill fight against racism and bigotry inherent in the music industry. His new single, ‘Burn De Battyman’ is released on Monday.” Irony



“They would be suicide bomber on the American flight on Christmas day failed to blow up the plane, but his actions have made airports worldwide introduce the new Full Body Scanners that see you naked. So while he failed to murder white people for their perversions and what not, he succeeded in allowing us unlimited access under all those burkhas. Poetic Justice, I think you would agree.” Irony



If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score? Irony



I really don’t understand trailer parks; you buy a caravan or mobile home, then you take it then you park it and you’ll never move it again. It’s like buying an iPod and nailing it onto your table. Irony



“Well annoyed that loads of places will be closed just because of the Royal Wedding, which we are paying for with our taxes. Means I have to wait till Monday now to collect my jobseekers allowance.” Irony



“Manchester City are set to rename their stadium to ‘The Etihad Stadium’, which translates to…. ‘The United Stadium’ Fail.” Irony



It’s a little ironic that we’re getting so many ‘PC’ Jokes on the most politically incorrect website on the Internet. Irony



True story, I saw some disabled people in a club called “Walkabout” last night. Irony? Irony



Civil aviation is making miracles: your breakfast in Rome, your lunch in London, your dinner in New York, your luggage in Bangladesh. Irony



“The definition of Irony: The one night you don’t check under the bed for the bogeyman, he gets you while your parents are out eating tapas. Hey, I resent being called the boogeyman” Irony



“Ask an American – “What is Irony?” they usually say “Spinach?” Irony



Ironic: Females teaching other females how to drive. Irony



Ironically, the further forward you move the car seat because you’re short, the taller you have to be to reach the seatbelt Irony



“‘It’s like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife’ that’s not Irony, that’s a prison canteen” Irony



Irony: Telling someone on Facebook to get a life. Irony



Isn’t it ironic what you get when you take all the vowels out of female Irony



“Have you noticed how all the subversive comedians satire observational comedy by observing something that only a minuscule amount of the audience would actually observe then saying “What’s all that about?” What’s all that about?” Irony



Ironic really isn’t it, all those chances Dwight York got in the box and the one time he produces something special he was in Jordan Irony



“How come everybody who’s had “LOVE” and “HATE” tattooed on their knuckles always lose the “E” finger on the “HATE” hand? Or is it that standup comedians all know the same bloke?” Irony



“It’s that age old question. How old are you?” Irony



I think the most ironic thing about Irony is that it’s not made of metal at all. Irony



“Facebook: Ironically, the more friends you have the less popular you are.” Irony



“You can’t even write racial abuse in excrement on someone’s car anymore. Its political correctness gone mad.” Irony



“I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night. I said, “I wish you were my homework.” She said, “Why because you’d be doing me on the table all night?” I said, “No because you’re easy, I’d rush through it and it would be very messy.” Irony



I saw a young black girl wearing a brownies uniform earlier. Some people really don’t understand Irony. I love those people. Irony



“I was looking at an online memorial of one of my old teachers and his wife. One photo had a picture of the happy couple together with the words ‘Our love burns like an eternal flame.’ I had to laugh. They died in a house fire.” Irony



The definition of Irony: Having a Jewish gasman. Irony



“The police came around to arrest me due to the negligence of my housebound son… Luckily I wasn’t home.” Irony



I’m sick of all these immigrants coming over here and they don’t even bother learning the language. Irony



Irony is people complaining about Facebook’s privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their Gynecologist. Irony



“The best job in the world is a bomb disposal expert. When you think about it you will never remember having a bad day.” Irony



“I’ve just woke up to the news that my next door neighbour has strangled his wife, killed his two kids and hung himself. I’m shocked to the core and absolutely gutted. I was going to borrow his barbecue today.” Irony



“After hearing The FA comment on David Bentley’s drink driving ban, it gave me the idea that they are against footballers drinking alcohol. So why do they have the Carling Cup?” Irony



Anyone else think it’s ironic that “This Is It” is a PG? Irony



“I hate these Muppets that copy Jokes & never think for themselves but still want the credit for it. 6 minutes ago via status shuffle.” Irony



“A man called me pretentious the other day. If you ask me, that’s like the basin calling the cauldron ebony.” Irony



“When two aero planes nearly collide they call it a near miss. Sounds more like a near hit to me.” Irony



Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. Irony



I’m really confused; Britain has turned white and it has stopped working. Irony



“My dad always told me running from bullies would get me nowhere. Don’t think he quite understood the Irony in it.” Irony



“Example of Irony: Pointing out somebody else’s ironic failure only to be guilty of the same mistake.” Irony



Studies have shown that 1 in every 49.5 people is an amputee Irony



BBC NEWS:”Secure hospital ‘was left unlocked’ “ So it’s not secure then?” Irony



“A friend told me that he’s scared of dwarfs. I asked him if he’s also scared of normal people when they’re far away.” Irony



“I’ve just bought my Alzheimer’s suffering granddad a memory foam mattress for his birthday. Oh the Irony.” Irony



Ironically, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are named after something which is rich and vibrant until it goes out of date, then becomes wrinkly, undesirable, and mellows out. Irony



The Irony of when a gritter skids out of control. Irony



“Lurpack Spreadable Ironically, the only thing I am spreading is my bread around the plate.” Irony



“It’s a shame Manchester United aren’t sponsored by Sharp anymore. Seeing Wayne Rooney running around with it on his chest would be the epitome of Irony.” Irony



“I was gonna stab that Alanis Morissette, but all I had was 10,000 spoons when all I needed was a knife. Isn’t that ironic?” Irony



“I went into my local off license and picked up a bottle of Frosty Jacks cider today. “You having a wild night?” Asked the shopkeeper laughing. “Nah mate,” I replied, “I’m planning on redecorating the bathroom and I see that you’re out of paint stripper.” Irony



Ironically my mate Stanley slashed his wrists. Irony



South Korea – where sausage dogs become dog sausages. Irony



My mate told me he had a deep obsession with feet. I believed him at first, but then I realized he was pulling my leg. Irony



MSN News: Woman, 30, seriously hurt after being hit by Dodge 4×4. oh the Irony!” Irony



“I used to be so insecure in my relationship but after recent events I know for a fact that my wife loves me Take tonight for example she ran me a lovely deep bath and balanced an electric fire on the taps just in case I got cold……. How thoughtful is that!” Irony



Mario Kart is so unrealistic. I mean, how does Mario’s hat stay on? Irony



“My mate was supposed to be lending me his memory stick, He forgot it.” Irony



“My girlfriend just said to me I was a waster, with scruffy clothes, no home and no money. I beg to differ” Irony



“I now know why they call it a Dental Practice. They pulled the wrong tooth today.” Irony



“Definition of Irony: Scottish football chiefs and politicians slamming Celtic fans for their strong opposition to wearing the poppy as the people it represents helped give us freedom of expression…….” Irony



15- the amount of times i will smack someone in the face if they inbox me a number on Facebook. Irony



“I said to my wife: “You’re like a snowflake” “Aw is that because I’m so beautiful and there’s none other like me?” “No, when you first came along I had fun but after two weeks I hated you”.” Irony



I’d like to be an optimist but I know I’d be terrible at it. Irony



“Definition of Irony: Someone cable tied my scissors.” Irony



“I had a great Joke about Madeline McCann, but I couldn’t get to my laptop to put it on this site and I knew I’d forget it, so I wrote it down on a bit of paper and left it in the hotel room, but when I came back it had completely disappeared… Oh the Irony…” Irony



“I like to think of myself as quite a lucky a guy. Every time I go on an Internet site I seem to be the 999,999th visitor! All I do is enter all my credit card details and wait for the prize! What are the chances!” Irony



"I don’t get most of the Jokes on here recently and you English can’t even spell properly it’s remotely you idiots. America. -------------------------- Please a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections: “I DON'T get most of the Jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots.” b) note the definition of Irony before you bother posting again. England" Irony



“Two things you should really know about me. Firstly, I am really forgetful.” Irony



They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, like I’ve never heard that before. Irony



Loving these riots. I’m having a great time driving round all the ghettos & robbing the dealer’s houses whilst they’re out looting. Irony



How ironic would it be if someone killed Sean Penn with a sword. Irony



“My friend who works for Royal Mail’s Customer Service Department said that they receive 1 million letters a year complaining about their poor service. Can you believe that? 3 million people a year complaining!” Irony



“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” Irony



If I could have chosen any superpower as a kid, it would have been the power of hindsight. Irony



I think my efforts to cut down on using clichés are going well. I'm just taking each day as it comes and giving it 110% Irony



“Irony. Women moaning they spend too much time in the kitchen, and then wanting to spend all of Sunday walking around MFI.” Irony



“‘The Cure for Ginger Hair, Only 5 Pounds!’ Bit cheap for a gun don’t you think?” Irony



Isn’t it ironic that when Chinese people farts? Irony



So there I was on the pavement on my knees, begging the wife for forgiveness… Which was ironic, because it was curb crawling that had got me into trouble in the first place. Irony



“My wife has left me because of my obsession with battleships. It’s never happened B4” Irony



First the American’s vote a black man into the White House. Then tens of thousands of kids mourn the death of a Paedophile. American’s don’t get Irony do they? Irony



“Explosion at Hospital Treating Bomb Victims” If that doesn’t scream Irony then I don’t know what does” Irony



“Man hits woman with a large metal kitchen appliance after creases in his favourite shirt.” That’s has Irony written all over it.” Irony



“Had a flash pop-up on the Internet which said “suicide bombers wanted!” gosh, I was blown away decided to take a look and had pictures of suicide jumpers, I thought. I’m not falling for this” Irony



“For the whole of their childhood, we tell children 1. Not to go out after dark 2. Not to talk to strangers 3. Not to take sweets from anyone they don’t know then every year we have Halloween . . .” Irony



“My wife says I’m too much of a skeptic I’m not so sure” Irony



“Robbery at steel factory that’s Irony.” Irony



“In love, you go to bed early. In marriage, you go to sleep early.” Irony



“In my diary it says my goal for this week: make a goal for this week next week: understand Irony.” Irony



“Necrophilia… I’ve never felt more alive!” Irony



Imagine a world without speculation. Irony



You can’t beat Rihanna. Irony



THE TIMES: Optimist drowns in half-full bath tub.” Irony



So I went to the fridge for some cheese earlier and the strangest thing happened, there was a grinding sound like a crank, and I saw this elastic thing thrust forward, launching a boot at a bucket which toppled over leaving a marble zigzagging towards a chute it collided with a pole which at the top is hand shaped and has a ball precariously placed at the top and it fell and landed in a bathtub, through a hole and onto one end of a seesaw this sends a diver into a tub which is connected to a pole with a cage than landed on top of me, so I couldn’t get my cheese… talk about bad days… Irony



“From Facebook: Portugal. Many Who ‘Like’ This Also Like ‘Kidnapping’.” Irony



“My friends call me Mr. Apathetic. But I don’t care.” Irony



Isn’t it ironic that the chances of a fat man pulling a chick are very thin Irony



Become an Archaeologist; your job lies in ruins. Irony



“The Pope has spoken out against the rise of ‘aggressive secularism’ in the modern world. He added, “Remember, anyone who doesn’t believe what we tell them to believe will be cast into a lake of burning excrement for all eternity.” Irony



“Yeah my dad was a Women’s Rights Activist” “Your dad?” “Yup” “Not your mum?” “No … Dad would have never allowed that” Irony



I was going to write a Joke about agnostics, but I’m not so sure now. Irony



Isn’t it ironic that the American’s emergency service number is 9/11? Irony



Irony: Looking for a Where’s Wally book. Irony



“My wife left me because I find absolutely everything ironic. Oh the Irony…“Irony



“Procrastination, because writing this Joke means delaying another few minutes.” Irony



“Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a bloke to get those odds?” Irony



“Anyone else find it Ironic that Iron is in Irony, especially since that’s what my wife refused to do this morning, and consequently that’s what gave her the red mark on her face.” Irony



“Dear Contact Lens Makers, Why do you make something so small and so see through for people who can see so little?” Irony



“So in town today, there was a sign in Greggs saying Happy Ramadan… Irony at its best.” Irony



“Trapped Miners Told to Sing for Their Sanity” How about “release me”?” Irony



“A wise man once said “Better out than in” Ironically, that man bled to death.” Irony



“My wife woke me up this morning by saying, “Happy Chinese New Year!” I could hardly open my eyes. Ah what an Irony…” Irony



“I can’t believe my wife says I’m vain and like the sound of my own voice” I said to the mirror.” Irony



“I despise people who fabricate historical facts… So did Winston Churchill’s boyfriend.” Irony



“A senior Afghan peace negotiator has been shot dead in Kabul, officials say. It was either that, or sack him for gross incompetence.” Irony



The ironic thing about smokers is that they are always keen to get out into the fresh air Irony



“As a law-abiding taxpayer, it makes my blood boil to read in the paper about the cushy lives prisoners in this country have. PlayStation, pool tables, aromatherapy sessions… I’d kill to have those kind of things.” Irony



It’s ironic that as soon as Shaheen is available for dates, Michael Jackson isn’t. Irony



Definition of Irony: Being beaten to death by a first aid kit. Irony



“I’ve just had my idea for a new public holiday rejected. What’s wrong with ‘Alzheimer remembrance day’?” Irony



BBC News: PM says James Murdoch has ‘questions to answer’. Politicians complaining about not getting a straight answer? Annoying isn’t it Mr. Cameron?” Irony



What is the difference between a market trader and a sausage dog?? A market trader bawls out his wears on the pavement. Irony



I seriously can’t wait any longer for a cure for impatience. Irony



With all these Jokes on here about the vevezulas at the world cup, it’s a wonder no-one has spelt it wron Irony



“I was watching ‘World’s most dangerous drivers’ yesterday… On my in car TV” Irony



‘They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now’ Irony



“My mate was going to book the transfer deadline day off work so he could watch Sky Sports News. Then he realized he supports Everton.” Irony



Definition of Irony: wheeling my Nan into the walk-in center. Irony



I’ll never forget what my old granddad told me. ‘If a story is worth telling, it’s worth exaggerating’. That was just after he had single handedly won the Second World War. Irony



“I don’t get when you see this “Please be aware all chat is logged for data protection purposes. “ Wouldn’t it make sense, if you don’t log the chat then there’s not data to protect??” Irony



“I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google’s Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments. Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.” Irony



Wouldn’t it be ironic, if you died in the living room? Irony



“I always watch my films online. That way I don’t have to sit though those god-awful piracy warnings.” Irony



I would kill to have my first degree murder charges dropped. Irony



“What’s the definition of ironic? Putting a Crime stoppers advert on Sickipedia.” Irony



“Carlsberg don’t make a decent beer. If they did, I wouldn’t drink Stella and the wife wouldn’t be nursing two black eyes this morning….. ….Probably.” Irony



Ironically my Muslim girlfriend who’ve cheated on me lives just a stone’s throw away. Irony



BBC: ‘Sorry about this, there is a problem with the sound. In the meantime here is some music’ Oh the Irony…” Irony



“I really hate fickle people, although they’re not too bad…” Irony



Optimism. One day it will pay off Irony



Kinda ironic that a 12 year old boy will be performing at Michael Jackson’s farewell ceremony Irony



“On my box of Lucky Charms… Servings: Approximately 13” Irony



“I once said to my son, ‘You never get anything in life for free’. He laughed at me and said, ‘What about that piece of advice you idiot!’ So I went over and took his wheelchair.” Irony



A mate of mine told me I didn’t get sarcasm then complimented me on my nice yellow teeth Irony



Ironically, I seem to forget Remembrance Day every year… Irony



I’m a metaphor…Literally Irony



“I like to try and have a good, positive outlook on my life After all, knowing my luck it’ll be over in a couple of years” Irony



They all laughed at me when I told them i wanted to be a comedian, from then I knew my future was bright Irony



“I was on a pub-crawl round town last night and I saw a young man wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan: “I fear no beer”. So I bottled him.” Irony



I went into my local T-Mobile shop the other day…… I didn’t get any service Irony



“Post Mortem Results on Flat Children” Squashed…” Irony



“Irony. My wife was decapitated in a head-on collision.” Irony



If god doesn’t have a sense of Irony, how come the owner of the Segway Company fell off and died? Irony



“Today my girlfriend told me that I was becoming rather nerdy. So I falcon punched her.” Irony



“My wife told me she’s leaving be because I never say anything to her face Needless to say, the text I sent her when she left was an angry one.” Irony



“One of those injury lawyer campaigners distracted me today in town and I walked into a lamp post. I’m now making him sue himself for me.” Irony



“There is a saying… “Anything can be a saying.” Irony



Ironic – The only time you want your wife to open her mouth she “has an headache”…. Irony



“I have been called too vague by you know who but you know the old saying…” Irony



My grandmother asked me if I hate God, because I don’t go to church. I told her that I cannot possibly hate someone who doesn’t exist. Irony



There’d be a certain Irony if Hugh Hefner died from Myxomatosis. Irony



“Two men in a hospital are talking for a good few hours, deep into the night… “…And that is the meaning of Irony my friend” Said Pete with a self-accomplished look on his face. “What’s the meaning of Irony?” Asked the Alzheimer’s patient” Irony



“I had my daughter call me whilst I was in the office today. It was the sweetest thing! Until I remembered that I work at the call centre for Childline…” Irony



Believe it or not but Bob’s my uncle. Irony



“I read over a fire pamphlet in a hotel, which read: IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE: DO NOT: – Attempt to collect your belongings – Attempt to put out the fire yourself – Read over this pamphlet.” Irony



Ironically, the black box in an aircraft is the only thing that works after a crash. Irony



“I was in a club last night and spotted a lonely looking woman (a solid 9/10) stood at the bar. Being the gentleman that I am, I swaggered over to the woman and said with a husky voice “Do you know how much polar bears weigh, love?” With a giggle the woman looked back at me and purred “Enough to break the ice?” I said “Usually around 680kg” and walked off. I showed her.” Irony



A man walks into a camouflage shop. Irony



People tell me I should be more secretive. Irony



BBC News: Plastic heart gives dad Matthew Green new lease of life. Just the chance to once again see his children on a sunny day will melt his heart.” Irony



“I took a course on how to be successful. I failed.” Irony



“Unlike some people, I’m perfectly able to admit when I’m wrong. Or at least I would be, if I were ever wrong.” Irony



“In Peterborough City Centre, there are two shops right next to each other called; ‘Evolution’ and ‘Blacks’. Oh the Irony.” Irony



Apparently I have this way of lighting up a room whenever I walk in to it. I flick a switch. Irony



"America: the land of the free *destination of the slave-trade" Irony



“To all those pretentious douch bags who use foreign words to make themselves look intelligent and well-travelled – stop it. Capiche?” Irony



“My wife doesn’t get Irony. It’s a game I invented to get crease-less shirts out of her.” Irony



“What have the News of the World and Channel 4 got in common? Phone Jacker” Irony



David Cameron walks into a Library and asks for a book on Irony, the librarian says: ‘sorry, we are not a Library we are a barbershop now, because you closed all the libraries’. Irony



A traveler once asked me if I knew the definition of Irony. So I ignored him and carried on pitching my caravan in his back yard. Irony



“Ironic event of the week: Muslim anti-fascist protesters gang up on, and beat one man because of his political views.” Irony



As a hater of racism I wanted to purchase my own ‘Say No to Racism’ banner and when I checked it out they all look the same… Bit like Chinese people. Irony



BBC News: “Google to be investigated by EU” What are they going to do, Google it?” Irony



“My mate just told me he’s bought two Reading tickets. Since when did you need a ticket to read?” Irony



“All my friends are the same. They’re so judgmental.” Irony



Those who can’t laugh at themselves, leave the job to others. Irony



If I said I was a compulsive liar, would you believe me? Irony



The Irony when Germany prepare for Euro 2012 by going to the Cry therapy chambers in Poland. Irony



My wife thinks I’m idle and I’m not gonna go out of my way to talk to her about it either. Irony



Does anyone else find it ironic that Most Haunted is on Living TV? Irony



From a young age if I was ill, the first thing I was told was to take pills and drink lots of fluid, if I couldn’t sleep: “Here’s a pill”. Trouble with my ADHD – more pills. But, I slip one ecstasy pill in my little brother’s vodka and I’m the bad influence. Irony



“You know what’s ironic? People generally like white snow, hate black snow and tend to stay away from yellow snow.” Irony



“How ironic US congresswoman, Gabrielle Gifford’s last speech said we need to be head strong In these troubled times” Irony



“Isn’t it ironic that Osama has died today? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY BLAIR.” Irony



Isn’t it ironic that women are born to cook but when you want good food, in a restaurant, you have to have a man to cook it. Irony



“I’m the most gullible person in the world… so I’ve been told.” Irony



“It’s no fun being on death row. That’s why I’ve sent them a game to play. It’s the one where you have to try to get the ring down the end without touching the wire and completing the circuit. How they must laugh when the buzzer goes off.” Irony



I can resist anything except temptation. Irony



If you think you’re becoming a hypochondriac, should you go and see your Doctor about it? Irony



"I was trying to make out the back- windscreen sticker on the car in front today, when it suddenly jammed its brakes on. The last words I saw before smashing into it were “ GIVE BLOOD “ Irony



“My wife told me I should stop repressing bad memories. I try not to think about it too much.” Irony



Anyone else think that the words ‘common sense’ are the most ironic in the English language? Irony



“Germany has been practicing with this new style ball, in their league, for over year now and look how well they are doing … Ironically, in 1938, when they last failed to qualify ….. Their leader Adolf Hitler had only one ball to play with.” Irony



My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Irony



“Need sympathetic advice for your incontinence problems? www. pmsltraining.co.uk/about_us.asp” Irony



ITV: Tune in next week for the new series of ‘The biggest loser’ Sponsored by ‘Subway’” Irony



"Saw a sign today: “Centre for blind -->“ Irony" Irony



“Curry’s. Ironically no Indians work there.” Irony



A man stopped me in the street earlier & said “Excuse me, can you spare me a minute for Attention Deficit Disorder.” Irony



“I officially want written on my Tombstone: “You Should See the Other Guy” Irony



People with time machines need to stop living in the past. Irony



You don’t understand the superiority theory like I do. Irony



“I want to set up my own business selling kites but I just can’t seem to get it off the ground.” Irony



“Define Irony? Small doors at McDonald’s.” Irony



BBC Magazine: How to strengthen your willpower If only I could be bothered to read it.” Irony



I’ve lost more friends on Facebook than I have in real life. Irony



My wife has just sent 6000 on a new motorcycle for me as a surprise gift. I was speechless so I rushed off to the shops straight away and bought her a lovely new steam iron. You can’t do enough for a good woman. Irony



A squad of over 20 Republic of Ireland Players are expected in Dublin airport today, to welcome home the Irish supporters. Irony



“Spray painted ‘Irony’ on the back of my wife’s smart car. She shouldn’t have called me pathetic.” Irony



It’s a bit ironic that my breast implant clinic has gone bust. Irony



Ironically my wife welcomed me with open arms after losing all her limbs in a car crash. Irony



To be or not to be?…………. I hate choosing pencils Irony



Anyone else think it’s ironic that the Ghanaian football team is nicknamed the ‘black stars’? Irony



I hope for Cher Lloyd’s sake that shaving off half her hair managed to sort her nit problem. Would be a shame otherwise. Irony



“The local sewage works blew up and all the waste scattered over the local swimming baths. Ironically the customers are greeted by a sign which now reads swim in poo.” Irony



“In light of Amy Winehouse’s untimely death her friend Pete Doherty has been rumored turning to drugs to help him ease his pain. Hang in there Pete, hang in there.” Irony



“How ironic. The moment a girl says “do whatever you want to me” is the exact same moment she makes the only thing I want impossible to do. Rape her.” Irony



Just imagine the Irony of having a dentist on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Irony



Don’t you hate it when people ask questions and don’t expect an answer? Irony



Isn’t it funny how the dwarf actors never get to play the big roles? Irony



Irony – Gabrielle’s name is spelt with one I Irony



“I love the sense of Irony that we have in Britain although it does have one unfortunate drawback. Cher Lloyd now has a number one single.” Irony



BBC News: Georgia Varley dies in Liverpool railway station fall. “When our paramedics arrived they realized that there was nothing that could be done for the girl,” she said. Has anyone got a sewing kit and some glue?” Irony



“With fan’s expectations being lowered for England this summer, a lot of pressure has been lifted off the team. Meaning expectations are now higher than ever.” Irony



Old proverb: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Irony



“I was watching BBC NEWS this morning and one of the main headlines was how the Olympic flag has reached Brazil for preparation of the 2016 Olympics. As the Team GB athletes stood on the steps of the plane, I thought to myself… “We all have so much honor for our home nation!” The plane was Air France.” Irony



This Joke is like a rapist. It’s going to score whether you like it or not. Joke



I was recently the subject of a Joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away. Joke



“Every once in a while I stop and think, “I know you can read my thoughts.” Just in case.” Joke



“I heard one of the best Jokes I’ve ever heard in my life yesterday! It was about an anti-climax.” Joke



Normally my dog eats my trainers but I didn’t know whales done it too! Joke



“Jokes on Sickipedia are a lot like children. If you start stealing them you’ll get a bad reputation.” Joke



“A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed “Where’s the little girl!” The man said, “What little girl?!” The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, “SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!” The man now in tears, said, “I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW!” The officer smiled and said, “…There’s the little girl.” Joke



“Where do women pee? Because all I ever see are signs for Men and Scottish Men.” Joke



“Remember: Statistically… 9 out of 10 people will testify that there was consent. Strength in numbers boys, strength in numbers.” Joke



“I’m often accused of eavesdropping. I just wish they’d have the guts to say it to my face.” Joke



“I can’t write Jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said “Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren’t expecting.” So here goes: Walk forwards. Turn left. Pasteurization.” Joke



What’s worse than a Joke without a punch line? Joke



The problem with maths Jokes is not the Jokes themselves, but that if you get them, you don’t have any friends to tell them to. Joke



Sickipedia’s motto – If you can’t beat them, copy them. Joke



“I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, “Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?” I replied, “Would you like some laughter to go with that Joke?” Joke



“I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently knifing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.” Joke



“Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The I Opener” Joke



“My first Joke on here was like my first girlfriend… They were boring, annoying and it lasted about 10 minutes before they both got buried.” Joke



“Don’t call me in the middle of our text conversation and say, “This will be faster.” There’s no doubt in my mind that it will be faster, possibly even easier, but I had no desire to speak to you. Hence the text.” Joke



“Jonathan has a bag of sweets. There are 13 Red Sweets, 7 Green sweets and 15 Blue sweets. Jonathan takes a sweet at random, notes it down and then returns it to the bag 10 times. What is the probability that: a) Jonathan will select 5 Green sweets? b) Jonathan will select only Blue sweets? c) Jonathan is bullied?” Joke



“A chicken and an egg walk into a bar. The barman says, “Right, who’s first?” Joke



Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked. Joke



“Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I’ve ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, “No, I’m quite happy with food.” Joke



“I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.” Joke



“Why don’t you see any woman ventriloquists? They don’t keep their mouths shut.” Joke



“Well, I know I won’t be able to watch Comic Relief tonight without picking up the phone. Watching all those starving kids with their distended bellies always makes me think the same thing… “I’m a bit peckish myself… I think I’ll order a pizza.” Joke



“I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups. But I’m not holding my breath.” Joke



“One day, there was a man who got cursed by a gypsy. The curse was that he could only speak 4 words each year. One day, he had met a beautiful woman whom he wanted to marry, but he had already used up his 4 words. So he spent the next year courting her, buying her expensive gifts and trying to woo her. It was finally a year later, and over a candle lit dinner he proceeded to ask her the big question. ‘Will you marry me?’ She replied ‘Pardon?’” Joke



“My wife said she’s had enough of me and my selfish ways. So I thought I’d surprise her by buying her a PS3 and Call of Duty to say sorry.” Joke



“What did one DNA say to another? Do these genes make me look too fat?” Joke



“I love my six-pack. It’s no wonder I protect it with a thick layer of fat.” Joke



Just got my results from E-Harmony.. They matched me with a computer chair and a tub of Vaseline. Joke



“I like to keep my Jokes Original. Weather’s you like it or not.” Joke



“When I was younger, my parents didn’t want me to get a tattoo. My mum said, “If you decide to get a tattoo, make sure you get it in a place that doesn’t matter” So I did, in Preston.” Joke



How many of you have had that awkward moment when you have to pretend to be amused by your mates ‘Wicked new Joke’ that you actually read on Sickipedia over a month ago…? Joke



My mate Dean has a terrible stutter. Every time he introduces himself it’s like Match of the Day is starting. Joke



Has anyone else noticed that, if you have a job, you actually don’t have time to make up anagram Jokes? Joke



I’m going to change my name to Simon, then everyone has to do as I say. Joke



“I got a Joke from Orange Plus on my phone today. “What’s a pirate’s favourite subject? Arrrrrrt!” They seriously need to get on to this website.” Joke



“Did you hear about the chicken that got further than the other side? It was beyond a Joke.” Joke



“Help me!” screamed the woman in the burning building “I’m going to have to jump.” “What did you say?” I shouted back as she plunged to earth. “Help me!” she screamed again. “What?” I asked again. There wasn’t time for her to reply as she landed in a crumpled heap beside me. “Sorry” I said, “ I didn’t quite catch you there” Joke



“A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “alright. Get in.” Joke



“Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, “Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me.” And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength he drew on the bow and let the arrow fly. And then he died, smiling. And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood……. on top of his wardrobe.” Joke



“Man: ily Woman: Awww write the words in full they mean more when they’re written properly Man: I’m leaving you” Joke



“The Met Office is predicting that next summer will be hotter and drier than average. Unfortunately, they are also predicting that next summer will be in 2019.” Joke



You know sickipedia has turned into a cult when you have to be a regular user to get the Jokes. Joke



Sir Alex Ferguson has just announced that to help reduce the number of duplicate Jokes on Sickipedia he will no longer be playing Giggs in August. Joke



“First day on the new job and I wanted to impress, so I wore my best suit and designer shoes. The Foreman guessed that I’d never worked on a building site before.” Joke



With Sickipedia’s new scoring system you’ve got to think – what’s the point? Joke



“My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.” Joke



Sickipedia- Promoting safety on the railways since 2009 Joke



“Stephen Gateley died as a result of a conversation between God and Michael Jackson in heaven. When asked if there was anything he would like in his new pad Jacko replied, “A little boy zone!” Joke



“My secretary just entered my office and said: ‘We got a letter again from our office in the Sahara. They’re writing that they have a very serious water shortage’ ‘Well’, I said, ‘there’s always a water shortage there – it can’t be that urgent’ ‘I think it’s urgent this time’, my secretary said, ‘the stamp is put on the envelope with a paperclip…’” Joke



“Finally my coffee has arrived, despite not being what I ordered. Still… better late than never.” Joke



“Mon, Tues, Wednes, Thurs, Fri, Satur, Sun. I’m taking the day off.” Joke



I bought one of those wind up radios today. I brought it home, turned it on and it kept telling me that Liverpool would win the Premiership. Joke



“Weirdest thing ever happened to me today, I got on Sickipedia.” Joke



TOP TIP to get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.” Joke



“Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill areas.” Joke



“I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was. She said, “It’s Lynna”. I said, “That’s an unusual name – you don’t hear that every day.” To which she replied, “Actually, I do.” Joke



“It’s Sunday today… Rebecca Black’s prophecy is coming true!” Joke



I came here for a Joke, not to practice my maths. Joke



“What does this Joke and aids have in common? My girlfriend will get it sooner or later.” Joke



“I always touch really hot things, just to see how hot it actually is. Because I’m a bloke.” Joke



“I’m not racist. All my favourite Jokes are about blacks!” Joke



“I’ve just had a telephone interview for a job as an engineer with B.T. The interviewer asked me “have you got any experience with communication systems?” Perhaps I should have stopped and thought before replying “you do know we are on the phone?” Joke



“A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” “No, I haven’t. What’s the problem?” “The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” “Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asked. “Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.” Joke



Question: Before the invention of the airplane, how did they used to feed babies? Joke



“A young girl came up to me the other day the pub, well it was a bit like a restaurant, nice little bar, staff dressed very well and the decor was fantastic. Never mind. Well, she was wearing a green skirt – at least I think it was green, possibly blue – and she was about 5ft 6 – oh, wait – maybe about 5ft 3ish. Nice half-cast girl – maybe Asian, I’m not sure – and she walked up to me quite confidently (or was she shy? I can’t remember). So she looked at me with her big, blue eyes – actually, they might have been brown. Well, anyway she asked me, “Are you any good at telling Jokes?” I said, “No.” Joke



“To build a bit of tension, I decided to use the “long pause” technique beloved of talent shows before I announced the result after about ten seconds the Judge said, “A simple Guilty, or Not Guilty will suffice Mr. Foreman.” Joke



"Sickipedia stand-up comedy night?? The biggest gathering of paedophiles since Pope Benedict XVI was elected..." Joke



“What do you call a couple that go fishing together? Rod and Annette.” Joke



“It’s important to keep a backup of all your work – in the unlikely event of a server crash, it may be all you’ve got. Luckily, here at Sickipedia we’ve got a dedicated team working 24/7 to duplicate your Jokes. Thanks, guys!” Joke



“How come there are even more duplicates than ever? “Your Joke is probably original”. Yeah right, and my six year old daughter is probably still a virgin.” Joke



I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. Joke



“My wife left me because I “never stand up for myself…” …fair enough.” Joke



It’s not the destination, it’s the journey… Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea. Joke



“The author of the Windows file copy dialogue visits some friends: I’m just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes. Actually it’s looking more like 6 days. No, wait, thirty seconds.” Joke



“One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. “No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” “You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘It could have been worse.’“ “No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.” About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.” The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse!” “Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that bed!” Joke



“According to recent statistics, over one billion people in the world live in poverty. Must be a nice place to live, seeing as it’s so popular. I wonder where it is.” Joke



“Bloke pulls his car up to the kerb, opens the door and says to the young lad walking home alone, “Hey kid, if I give you a 1 will you come in my car?” Kid says “You could give me a Tenner, still won’t get in the Skoda, Dad!” Joke



I just saw a condom for gingers, although it’s inflatable and appears to be shaped like a doll. Joke



“Apple is bringing out a new phone for less appealing people. It’s called the iSore” Joke



“The school Career’s Advisor asked me to call him regarding my teenage son. “Frankly,” he said, “Your son is rude, churlish, and vacant with an intelligence level bordering on moronic. On the rare occasions that I can extract a response from him, inevitably it is monosyllabic….. We think he has a great future ahead of him selling trainers in Sports Direct.” Joke



“Why’s Sickipedia like the toilet bowl? You should never show your girlfriend what you’ve contributed.” Joke



“Police think they have found the car that was used in the murder of Milly Dowler in 2002. I wonder if my CDs are still inside?” Joke



“I threw a stone at a duck and it tried to fly out of the way, why it didn’t just lower its head?” Joke



“Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Spammer Time!” Joke



“I had to do a speech about time wasting. It lasted seven hours.” Joke



“My girlfriend thinks that her head is too cone-shaped. She has a point.” Joke



SUN NEWSPAPER: WHSmith has sparked outrage by selling a graphic manual on suicide (priced 11.99). Sod paying for that. I’ll get it from the Library instead.” Joke



“Why did the American cross the road? To steal oil from the other side.” Joke



“I went out for a few beers with my mates one Friday night and didn’t get back until the next Tuesday. When I arrived home my wife was really upset. It can’t have been me who upset her, I wasn’t even there.” Joke



“My wife said that she wanted a chat, so I agreed to sit down with her for an hour. She started going on about how ‘sickipedia’ is taking over my life. I said “Slow down there, tiger. You’ve got another 57 minutes yet.” Joke



“A lot of people think I make up all my wordplay Jokes myself but I actually have a team of comedians, writers and researchers helping me out. Oh yes, I have a punning clan.” Joke



SickiLeaks – people copying our Jokes and putting them as their Facebook status and playing along as if they made them up since 2006 Joke



“I had a good clear out in the attic yesterday. No toilet paper up there though.” Joke



“Paddy: Hey Murphy, do you like Eminem? Murphy: What, the chocolate? Paddy: No, the rapper. Murphy: What’s so good about M&M’s wrapper?” Joke



If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them? Joke



“When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. He had a real one.” Joke



“I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They want it but can’t have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it.” Joke



“I walk past a camping site today. Sorry, that should be past tense.” Joke



My wife tried accusing me of being so lazy that I don’t even bother telling the punch lines of my Jokes. Joke



So what would “The Pretenders” tribute band be called? Joke



‘Non-Flammable’ says one thing to me. Challenge. Joke



“My wife is a self-harmer. She eats her own cooking.” Joke



“This really ugly woman goes to see her doctor, severely depressed and suicidal. “Doc, I can’t stand it anymore,” she says. “No-one will look at me, touch me or kiss me. Can you help me at all?” she asks. The doctor replies, “Sure, just lie down over there on the couch first. Face down, please.” Joke



Spelling yllistsuj backwards is just silly Joke



Two cannibals are eating a Sickipedian…. one says to the other… well this is tasteless. Joke



“I was at the fairground with the wife, in the hall of mirrors when she said “This one makes me look fat, ugly and bloated” I didn’t realize they put normal mirrors in there too.” Joke



“A man approaches the circus manager and tells him about his act. “I drink two litres of petrol, strap ten bars of dynamite around my waist, hold a grenade in each hand, climb into a cardboard box and then finally set fire to myself.” “Wow! That’s amazing,” says the manager. “Could you please demonstrate it for me?” The man replies, “better not, I can only do it once.” Joke



Anyone else think Derren Brown should hypnotize the McCanns to find out where they hid Madeleine Joke



“My mate and I were sniffing cocaine off of a newspaper last night, and rather ironically the page we were snorting from was an editorial about the dangers casual drug use. I thought it was more than sheer coincidence, but I suppose you could say I was reading between the lines” Joke



“My long-term girlfriend should know by now how much I like Jokes and tricks… So if she actually turns up at church wearing a wedding dress on April 1st, more fool her.” Joke



“Lawyer: “You seem to be quite a bit smarter than the average witness from your background.” Witness: “Why thank you. I wish I wasn’t under Oath so I could return the compliment!” Joke



“Nottingham is the gun capital of the UK. If you ask me, they need a sheriff.” Joke



“My wife said, “Come on now… It’s not the first time you’ve been premature is it?” “I know,” I replied, “But I just get over excited sometimes.. I can’t help it.” “Right. Let’s sort this out. I’ll get the decorations down and you put the Christmas tree back in the attic until December.” Joke



“Lost in the desert for three days, a man suddenly hears, “Mush!” Looking up, he sees what he thinks is a mirage: an Eskimo on a sled, driving a team of huskies. To his surprise, the sledge comes to a stop at his feet seconds later. “I don’t know why you’re here, but thank goodness,” the man says. “I’ve been lost for days.” Panting, the Eskimo replies, “You think you’re lost?” Joke



"You know you're a bit of a loser when you resort to posting Jokes on here using your mobile phone on the way to work. ------------------- Sent from my iPhone by O2." Joke



I’ve just developed the superpower to turn invisible when no one is looking at me. Joke



A girl’s legs are her best friends…but even the best of friends must part. Joke



“Beaver 1: “The river has flooded….The cascading water is ruining all of our homes!” Beaver 2: “Dammit!” Joke



“Every time someone say’s ‘Expect the unexpected’ I like to punch them in the face, Just to check….” Joke



“A donkey walks into a bar. “Where’s the horse?” asks the barman. “Recession,” says the donkey.” Joke



“Took my dog to the vets this morning and he told me it’s in heat. I didn’t even realize it was a celebrity.” Joke



“What’s the difference between a Sickipedia user and a standup comedian? The standup comedian hopes that one day, he’ll get discovered.” Joke



“I compared a modern calculus textbook to one my dad had today, and its amazing how little has changed! I couldn’t differentiate between them…” Joke



“Kid I knew in school had an extra finger on each hand. He was digitally enhanced.” Joke



My unemployment Joke needs some work. Joke



The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled. Joke



“A yank walks into a bar and walks straight out again! It was a salad bar.” Joke



“10,000 pubs have disappeared in the UK since the smoking ban. Well if there’s no smoke, it must have all been done with mirrors.” Joke



“I was walking through town yesterday when a bloke asked me if I wanted a balloon for my daughter. I said, “No, but you can have her for your watch.” Joke



“I went out with one of Sickipedia’s top users last night. I said to him; “Give us your best gag then.” So he wrapped my entire head in gaffa tape!” Joke



WHERE IS THE NEAREST LIBRARY TO THE ERSKINE BRIDGE? It may be the only Library on earth that hands out the book we have all been looking for.” Joke



“British Taxi Driver 12 – 10 Israeli Commando Force Match abandoned due to suicide. Pools panel result – Home win.” Joke



“I don’t know if you have ever read ‘The Killing Joke’ by Anthony Horowitz but essentially the book is about a man who after hearing a sick Joke becomes obsessed by it and begins a long journey to discover its origin. Could have saved him two weeks of his life by saying www.sickipedia.org” Joke



“Seen today in Dewsbury Moor felt-penned in large letters over a non-functioning toilet bowl somewhat overflowing with solids: “WHO SAYS THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH?” Joke



“My nephew convinced my mother-in-law that the “L” hand sign on the forehead meant “I love you”. I just can’t bring myself to ruin his Joke.” Joke



“People have always told me that I shouldn’t make sweeping statements but. I find it easier to tilt the dustpan when sweeping up, if you tilt the pan back just in time, you’ll catch all the dust.” Joke



“I’m fluent in three languages. English, sarcasm and profanity.” Joke



“Two friends finish studying at university and meet up in their hometown for a drink one night to catch up, talk about their experiences at university and where they think they’ll go next in life. One says “I’ve got this Business degree now, but I’m not so sure what to do. What type of work do you think I should go into?” “I reckon you could go into Accountancy, I hear that it pays well these days” says the other. Both continue to talk about Accountancy and other options the first could take for a while until other friend says to him, “Well, I’ve got myself a Sociology degree and I’m also not so sure about what I want to do with it. What do you reckon I should go into?” “Oh, with a Sociology degree?” he responds, “Probably the Job Centre” Joke



“I am currently living just under the poverty line. Well, in a sewer beneath the Benefits office.” Joke



It’s Christmas and at this time of year we should think about the Homeless and those less fortunate…………… Anything to cheer you up while the pubs are closed. Joke



“The other day, my mate told me that Joke: “How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender! How do you get them out again? Doritos!” I thought: “Great, now how am I supposed to eat doritos and salsa again without feeling slightly aroused?!” Joke



“I’ll rub, and then you squirt” I said to my wife in the bedroom last night, we had the polishing done in no time.” Joke



“A mitochondria walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “That’ll be ATP please.” Joke



I put the ___ in lazy. Joke



“I broke the news to my wife this morning that her mum and dad died in a car crash last night, she’s been crying all morning. Personally, I think it’s the best April fools I’ve ever done” Joke



“Just saw my female friend post this as her statement… How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE……He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him!! I’m sure all of us guys can agree that it’s a perfectly effective method to accomplish the fitting of a light bulb…” Joke



“Guess what I did when I went out for a leisurely stroll through Tehran city centre earlier today? I ran.” Joke



“People say I’m a bit of a Joke killer. But surely if someone knocks on your door you ask them to come in?” Joke



“What do you get when you cross Michael Schumacher and Stephen Hawking? Scalextric.” Joke



“I baked a meat pie the other day and then travelled with it to Milton Keynes, Birmingham and Lambeth, because my old maths teacher always used to tell me to take pie to three dismal places.” Joke



“I phoned up the local garage from my hospital bed and told the owner that the reason I was in hospital was the total incompetence of his staff and their inability to fix a minor fault that resulted in the brakes on my car failing completely. “I suppose you’re going to sue me?” he asked. “Christ no!” I replied, “I want to know if I can book the wife’s car in next week.” Joke



“I went to a forger’s house the other day. Everything he had was fake. Not even the Werther’s were original.” Joke



“What do you call an Arab who campaigns for adolescents? A pro-teen sheikh.” Joke



Nothing says “My life is over” like getting your all-important 5th and final star on your McDonald’s name tag. Joke



“Last night my entire Microsoft Office crashed! I can’t put into Word how angry I am….!” Joke



I used to have my own fruit stand but it kept getting knocked over by 1970s police chases. Joke



“Right, I’m off to the ITV studios. I’m gonna be the first one in line for tomorrow’s one night stand with pixie Lott.” Joke



“Googled Sickipedia and this is what I found: Database Latency too High.” Joke



“Like most people my height, I’m bored of people re-wording other peoples Jokes.” Joke



“I just posted a Joke and a minute later pressed refresh to see how it was doing. But I was unable to do so as apparently there were 814 people looking at it. Didn’t realize I was so popular.” Joke



“I decided to play a practical Joke on the wife earlier but she didn’t see the funny side when I wired up the front door to the power supply. She completely flew off the handle.” Joke



“Why are black birds pink inside? Well to be honest it depends how long you cook the pie for.” Joke



“What’s red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry” Joke



“I poured my cat out some milk the other day Still don’t know how he got in there” Joke



My girlfriend never went that ‘Extra Mile’ for me. So I got a Restraining Order, now she has to. Joke



“Like most Sickipedians on here, I post the same Joke 27 times.” Joke



“Cinema ticket for the premier of Harry Potters next movie: 6.50 hitting the fire alarm panel 10 minutes before it finishes: priceless” Joke



My helium Jokes never go down too well. Joke



“Every-time I go to write something to post on Sickipedia it seems someone else in the past has beaten me to it and wrote the same thing or something similar, until now…. …I like Pakis.” Joke



Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can’t believe the current exchange rate! Joke



To me, A Sickipedia Joke is like a woman. You spend ages trying to get a good one, and when you do, you sit and think about how you can beat it. Joke



“My Family were getting really upset by my choice to live life as a utilitarianism. So I’ve turned my back on it, as long as it makes them happy.” Joke



“I took a lie detector test. No I didn’t.” Joke



You know, I’m usually on Sicki around 2 am and it never crashes, so if we all just go on then – problem solved! Joke



“So my girlfriend just nearly broke up with me, over the phone before shouting APRIL FOOLS! Jokes on her, I’ve just sent her a text from her dead Father’s old phone.” Joke



“My granddad broke his leg from standing on a door matt. I probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.” Joke



“They say children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried. Joke



“You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. Even more so if you are a man.” Joke



“Writing a good Joke is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Some people will just never achieve it.” Joke



BBC news: “Blackbeard scuppers his own ship for the insurance, burning it down to ashes” Arrrrrrson.” Joke



“My Jokes are like my kids…. Everyone knows that I stole them from someone else.” Joke



“Well, there’s always one place it’ll be a White Christmas. My socks.” Joke



“My wife caught me pleasuring myself in the kitchen earlier. I was spitting into he