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The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, part 1

“The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes”

part 1

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Shakespir Edition

Shakespir Edition
Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” parts 1, 2 & 3.


I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 1. -From the A of Advice to the F of Family-

This first book contains five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content


0001 – 0383 Jokes on: Advice


0384 – 0418 Jokes on: Acronym


0419 – 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects


1682 – 1721 Jokes on: Art


1722 – 1760 Jokes on: Beauty


1761 – 1959 Jokes on: Books


1960 – 1994 Jokes on: Calendar


1995 – 1999 Jokes on: Camping


2000 – 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals


2111 – 2405 Jokes on: Charity


2406 – 2583 Jokes on: Childish


2584 – 3312 Jokes on: Children


3313 – 3355 Jokes on: Circus


3356 – 3515 Jokes on: Communication


3516 – 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology


3985 – 4100 Jokes on: Definitions


4101 – 4135 Jokes on: Diets


4136 – 4288 Jokes on: Difference


4289 – 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs


4313 – 4353 Jokes on: Dreams


4354 – 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment


4405 – 4451 Jokes on: Exercise

4452 – 5000 Jokes on: Family



I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice



“Here’s a bit of Advice for you. Advi.” Advice



Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today. Advice



“Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!” Advice



My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.” Advice



Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a ‘time limit’. Advice



“Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog?” Advice



“Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do?” Advice



“There’s a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you’re wet.” Advice



Sickipedia’s motto – If you can’t beat them, copy them. Advice



Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains. Advice



COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice



“My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?” Advice



“I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That’s the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, “Okay, pencils down.”” Advice



Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice



Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice



Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice



“Tip for the day: ‘Harder’ is not a good choice of safe word.” Advice



“My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, “It’s alright mum, I don’t know any.”” Advice



A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice



“There are two rules for success: 1. don’t tell all you know” Advice



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN… compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her….

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN… show up naked, bring beer.” Advice



“Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray.” Advice



“On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time.” Advice



Anybody else think we’ll be seeing the words “Database latency too high” on Friday? Advice



“Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor?

Because opposites attract.” Advice



“I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.” Advice



When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smArt enough to get out of jury duty. Advice



“You never realize what you’ve got till it’s gone. Toilet paper being a good example.” Advice



“I phoned the ‘Rape Helpline’ yesterday. They suggested I buy a balaclava.” Advice



“Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second ‘No Ball games’ sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost.” Advice



“When I’m bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and time how long it takes her to notice.” Advice



“I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples…….” Advice



“A man walks into a Bookshop and says, “can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, Sir, which one?” “The man replies, “ “William.”” Advice



“What’s the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45” Advice



“Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to keep other coconuts away from your house.” Advice



“Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don’t put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It’s far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight now.” Advice



Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice



“Saw an advert for this new show called “Bulging Brides” in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks.” Advice



“Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, “I find you very attractive…and that’s not just the booze talking!”” Advice



I’ve got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice



The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google’s search results. Advice



Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice



“Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets… You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out.” Advice



“Whatever you do, don’t drink the varnish. It’ll be a sad end – but a beautiful finish.” Advice



“Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you “Put your hands up.” Don’t say, “For Detroit.”” Advice



“After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children’s film “Babe”: “That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.”” Advice



“Woodstock; if you were really “There” you won’t remember it. Apparently I was at Woodstock.” Advice



Fool shop keepers into thinking you’re an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice



I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice



“I went for a job interview. “Where would you like to see yourself in five years’ time?” he asked me. I thought and said, “Suspended on full pay.”” Advice



If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they’re gauging how loud their fart is. Advice



“They always put ‘‘For best before date: see side of pack’‘ on groceries. Why can’t they just put the date there?” Advice



“A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: “Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?” “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the chocolate around them.”” Advice



A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice



“My boss once told me, “Don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want”. Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler” Advice



“The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, “You know what they say, you should never work with Children or Animals.” “That’s an old theatre saying, isn’t it?” I replied. “No, it’s what the police told us when we did your CRB check.”” Advice



“Need overpriced, average clothes? There’s a Gap for that.” Advice



People shouldn’t worry about the world ending. It’s already tomorrow in Australia! Advice



“So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure… You look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!”” Advice



I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice



“Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they’ve been caught.” Advice



When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven’t any words out. Advice



“When getting into a fight in a pub, don’t concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub’s attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, “At least I’m not a pedophile.” The seed planted into everyone’s mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever do.” Advice



Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Advice



“What’s worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory.” Advice



I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice



“Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked “Anything to declare?”, it’s not the best response to say “A Thumb War”. Still though, their prison isn’t too bad.” Advice



“What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you take a spade.” Advice



Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice


#0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice



If “fishing” means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn’t we investigate whenever someone says, “I’m kidding”? Advice



Never moon a werewolf. Advice



“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.” Advice



“Never have a motto. That’s my motto.” Advice



Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice



If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice



“In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside “for your own safety”. Wouldn’t it be more constructive if she told people to look before crossing?” Advice



“Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him.” Advice



“What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.” Advice



“I’m doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.” Advice



Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice



BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice



If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I’ve seen people do that, it works! Advice



I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice



“‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’ Do postmen count? I’m going to need a quick answer on this.” Advice



“O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as “Fifth Gear”. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.” Advice



“If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I’ve discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.” Advice



Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every time someone startles you. Advice



Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don’t work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you and you’ll be lonely and you’ll kill yourself. Let’s get back to the actual sick jokes, people. Advice



“The best thing for baldness? Hair.” Advice



WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don’t be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice



Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice



“Land Line users: Save 1 a month on “caller display” by simply answering the phone and asking who it is.” Advice



National Sarcasm Society – Like we need your support… Advice



All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well……… Advice



Never wear skinny jeans if you don’t have skinny genes. Advice



Whoever said, ‘ Laughter is the best medicine. ‘Never had gonorrhea. Advice



“They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’m still not tempted to dig the wife up and it’s been 8 months.” Advice



“My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke up this morning and I’ve got braids.” Advice



I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice



“Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend’s computer is always empty, he’s up to no good.” Advice



Giraffes look down on people like you Advice



“Top Tip #87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen.” Advice



Manufacturers of Deluxe ‘Once’. I think the word you’re looking for is ‘twice’. Advice



Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice



You can’t choose your Family …but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice



“My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, “That’s all very well but, really, how often are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown?”” Advice



“I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: “Help the Homeless” So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know.” Advice



“Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment.” Advice



“My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down.” Advice



Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice



““Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke” What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?!” Advice



“You know what they say, so I won’t tell you.” Advice



“‘Hope you’re hungry’ A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan.” Advice



“Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: “I love little kids.”” Advice



“I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips.” Advice



It was good Advice when someone told me I’d never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar. The women in my Dreams aren’t old enough to get in. Advice



Here’s a useful shopping tip – You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice



Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart – it never turns out quite as you expect and you’ll likely have to leave the room. Advice



“Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like “I’m watching you” and “You’re not alone” to random dates. Epic lots!” Advice



Give a man a fish and you’ve fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you’ve taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice



“Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks “Are you registered blind or partially-sighted?” tick slightly outside the box that says “No”.” Advice



UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply lowering the age of consent. Advice



“The only thing more boring than watching paint dry… listening to paint dry.” Advice



“Ladies, you can’t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn’t work that way. You’re already hard to want.” Advice



“Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don’t feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework.” Advice



A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice



“Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat, don’t add the “term”. Trust me.” Advice



“My old Dad always said, “Lift with your legs”. I find it easier to use my arms.” Advice



“It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope’s visit. They obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48.” Advice



Take my Advice: I don’t use it anyway. Advice



Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don’t bother buying a Ryan air sick bag – they turn out to be even more disappointing. Advice



Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you. Advice



If I had a pound for every time I lost a pound, I would be no better off. Advice



A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error. Advice



“Top Tip: Tired of cramped conditions on air flights? To get a whole row to yourself, simply stare at your shoes and say, “Come on!”” Advice



If alcohol isn’t the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked. Advice



GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer. Advice



“They need to open a nightclub called “The Office” So men don’t need to lie to their girl where they are anymore.” Advice



“Don’t drink and drive… Do all you’re drinking before you drive!” Advice



“My mate gave me some really good Advice on how to pick up women today. “You have to flip her over so she’s face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift,” he said.” Advice



Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much. Advice



TOP TIP Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees… … just add the sentence, ‘Sent from my iPhone’ to all your emails and texts.” Advice



Vicars – Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a wedding. Advice



If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem. Advice



My dad always said ‘ be good and if you can’t be good, be careful’. Wise words from the man who knocked up a fat minger. Advice



A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away. Advice



Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes. Advice



“Men; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you.” Advice



“I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience?” Advice



“I’m in a long distance relationship and I find it great. Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub.” Advice



“I’ve been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it. “It was me, dad.” He replied. “Good son, and do you know why I’m not going to punish you?” “Because I’m still holding your nail gun.”” Advice



“Wii Fit, Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she’s FAT!” Advice



“Tip of the day: Don’t bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you’re only wasting your time.” Advice



“Headline in the sun ‘NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR’ Advice to all women out there vote conservative” Advice



When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the “serve yourself” till. When it is weighed it won’t register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes. Advice



Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. Advice



Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation Advice



Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead patients. Advice



Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine away. Advice



“Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have nothing to do today.” Advice



There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him “What’s the matter with you.” The Irishman replies, “I’m not going near that thing until you get it fixed!” Advice



“Tip to all Africans: If you want to buy a cheap plastic product buy a condom. It will stop Aids and also stop our ears bleeding.” Advice



“What’s the definition of gross? Dreaming you’re eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.” Advice



Contact lens wearers…. Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chili sauce to your cleaning solution. Advice



Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park? Advice



“My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, personally I think he’s full of sheet.” Advice



“Don’t just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces. Leave a window open.” Advice



“I don’t think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly. It went in one ear and out the other.” Advice



I’ve come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say “I bet you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody’s name in it, you can choose the name”. At which point she’ll agree and choose a name. You’ll then sing “Happy Birthday” with whichever name she’s chosen, you can do this as many times as you want. Advice



Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags Advice



Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift. Advice



After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised “there’s money in Computers!” turns out there wasn’t. Also i need to replace two of his Computers. Advice



“Mum: Be careful me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly dangerous.” Advice



Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young. Advice



To survive in water, you don’t have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning. Advice



Tip of the day: Never high-five a Muppet whilst wearing a Velcro glove. Advice



“Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy.” Advice



Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi’s castle by moving the disabled seats upstairs. Advice



Convince others you are full of great ideas by sell taping a light bulb to the top of your head Advice



A neighbor’s car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Advice



The irony of you telling me to “get a life” is that I’ll probably take yours… Advice



Inflatable sheep… For people so ugly, they can’t pull an inflatable doll. Advice



“Tip: When your pupil’s parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don’t reply “I’m a pedophile”” Advice



We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn’t have to stop right there. Advice



“Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines. You’re welcome.” Advice



“How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling’s formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into account the use of current affairs, using Smith’s algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is essential that we consider the intended target. Failing that, just write something about black people being lazy.” Advice



Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p? Advice



Whenever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster, I tell them it’s because they distracted him by praying for a puppy. Advice



Never get on one knee for a girl that won’t get on two for you. Advice



"LEA & PERRINS- Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce factory to Kent." Advice



“What do you call a fish with four eyes? Fish.” Advice



“A man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks, “How much would it be to ask you three questions?” The attorney answered, “$500.” “Holy cow!” the man replied, “That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” “No.” said the attorney. “What’s your third question?”” Advice



When reading a book, always underline the bits you don’t understand. That way, if you ever lend it to someone, they’ll think you’re really clever. Advice



Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober Advice



Some say your Children teach the most important lessons. Mine taught me to use a condom in future Advice



“I don’t think ‘Smoking Kills’ should be exclusive to cigarette packets. I’ve yet to see a kipper survive it either.” Advice



Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination. Advice



Keep Britain Tidy, eat a pigeon. Advice



TOP TIP FOR DWARFS make sure you never have enough money to buy things. It will amuse us when you tell them this at the till.” Advice



Make shopping in Curry’s more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912. Advice



I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I. Advice



INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today; If you purchased 1,000 worth of canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have 188 left today; Based on this example, my investment tip is: (i) Avoid bank shares (ii) Drink canned beer heavily and (iii) Sell the cans for recycling” Advice



“Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don’t have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined…” Advice



“Teenage boys. The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any unwanted hard-ons.” Advice



Pedophiles: Make your naughty activities less obvious to vigilant mothers by not dressing up as a train spotter. Advice



“Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal.” Advice



“My Dad’s suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks.” Advice



DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown Labradors. Advice



“I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now. I should probably stay away from there in future.” Advice



“Top Tip for London tourists: Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at night and looking up.” Advice



Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don’t. Advice



““Keep your trap shut!” my dad always said. I resent him for that. So does my greyhound.” Advice



“Help stop copyright theft. Wear your jam rag t-shirt inside out.” Advice



“Top Tip: Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles your chances of becoming a superhero.” Advice



Muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings at ASDA? Advice



Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Advice



Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye. Advice



“Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins?

I suggest Comic Con” Advice



“Helpful hint #1 When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who “spreads ‘em easily”…. Make sure she doesn’t mean diseases.” Advice



There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts. Advice



“When someone sees you crying, and asks: “Are you sad?” Punch them in the face, and ask: “Are you okay?”” Advice



When life gives you oil spills, make Molotov’s. Advice



I’ve learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend’s mother asks “Would you do me a favour?” – ALWAYS wait until she has said “a favour” before eagerly nodding and saying yes. Advice



Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, and Kurt Cobain. All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD. Advice



Never put your finger where you wouldn’t put your nose. Advice



I always wanted to be a rock star when I was a young child….I got the excessive drinking right, but unfortunately forgot about the main things, learning an instrument and writing songs. Advice



“Top tip; never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There’s a good chance you’ll end up legless.” Advice



“Never milk a joke. Unless it’s a cow joke.” Advice



“I love to read those Advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, “What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?” “Morning Sickness.”” Advice



“My Dad would always give me good Advice. Like, “scream and I’ll kill your sister.”” Advice



Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn’t loud enough…. Advice



Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait till the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up? Don’t waste it you gimps. Advice



“If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in life… It’s keep the Hemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub well apart in the bathroom cabinet.” Advice



Man Utd fans. Clear your club’s 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be punched for 1 pound. Advice



Benefits: Making natural selection obsolete since 1992. Advice



“If something’s worth having… It’s not on eBay.” Advice



“I clean my house with Clearasil. The place is always spotless.” Advice



One good turn will get you……………….most of the blankets Advice



Drivers: When you see those ‘accident black spot’ signs you should speed up. You don’t want to hang about in dangerous places. Advice



Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel. Advice



How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said? Advice



“I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine. So I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case.” Advice



Next time someone says “You owe me big time”, arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up. Advice



Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself every 15 seconds. Advice



“Whenever you’re shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit. That way only one lung will fill with blood.” Advice



Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the bus stop. Advice



Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow, and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water. Advice



“I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an ‘Advice slip’ with my cash, so I hit yes…. Out came a note saying ‘stop using the benefit system to fund your crack habit’” Advice



“Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes? Has there ever been a time when an air crash investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts.” Advice



End of the world in 2012? Just immigrate to Romania. They are 100 years behind…. Advice



Please note: adding several exclamation marks to the end of your “joke” does NOT actually make it funny. Advice



“Men. Avoid wasting time drying your hands under the drier in pub toilets by simply calling your wife fat and holding your wet hands in front of her mouth.” Advice



Have a hot neighbor? Buy a trampoline, looks like innocent fun. Advice



Fool burglars in to thinking you are home simply by leaving your door unlocked. Advice



I always leave everything to the last possible minute, then it only takes a minute Advice



"I don’t get most of the jokes on here recently and you English can’t even spell properly it’s remotely you idiots. America.-------------------------- Please a) take note of the following grammatical and structural corrections: “I DON'T get most of the jokes THAT HAVE BEEN POSTED on here recently and you English CAN'T even spell properly: IT'S 'REMOTELY' you idiots.” b) note the definition of irony before you bother posting again. England" Advice



Guys, fool your mates into thinking you have a girlfriend by moving the toilet roll to under your bed, instead of leaving it at your computer desk. Advice



Currants impaled on toothpicks, displayed in your window, serve as a warning to would-be house flies. Advice



“How do u get a whole lamb in the freezer? Take your wife out first” Advice



BBC News: Texas death row killer forgiven by victim. Yeah? Who told him? Whoopee Goldberg??” Advice



“Top Tip: In an argument. Before opening a can of worms, make sure it’s not spaghetti. That way you’ll save yourself looking ridiculous in a tense situation.” Advice



“Tip: Don’t tell the people in your office your Sickipedia username. I did and now this black guy who sits opposite me is giving me right evils.” Advice



“’…The next time the Postal workers go on strike, here’s a simple solution to get them back to work: Pay their salary, but send the cheque by mail…SORTED!’” Advice



“For people who suffer from a sweaty face in the hot season… You can spray regular deodorant on your face to help reduce the problem. Just make sure you keep your eyes open so you can see where you are spraying it.” Advice



Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is Advice on my career. Advice



“My mates say I’m too submissive. They’re probably right.” Advice



“I believe you should always try things once. Which is why I’m addicted to Crystal Meth” Advice



“My old man always told me to fight my corner. That was good Advice, but my boxing career was short lived.” Advice



“Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned” Advice



“My Principle of life: If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE the flower is still in the pot” Advice



If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts Advice



“If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out. Moral of the story? Put a lid on the pan.” Advice



If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised. Advice



“Fed up of ironing? Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener.” Advice



If you are unlucky enough to accidentally trip over in the street, keep repeating the process to make it look like it is what you usually do Advice



“How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.” Advice



“What’s the point of Advice slips at cashpoints? All they say is “You haven’t got any money.” Advice would be for them to say “Look, mate, I know you’re skin, but my brother has just won a few bob on the dArts; I expect he’d lend you some money till pay day if you give him a bell.”” Advice



“Muller Yoghurt eaters: Save a fortune by buying your yoghurts ready mixed.” Advice



“Girls. Save money on sanitary towels. Buy cheap ones then drink a can of Red Bull.” Advice



“What’s the quickest way to look slim and fit? Befriend fat people.” Advice



“I once knew a guy that couldn’t stand up. We called him Neil.” Advice



Don’t you just hate when there is a clown at your bed at 3am because you didn’t send on a chain message Advice



Are you illiterate? Write to me for help. Advice



Time is never wasted if you’re wasted all the time. Advice



“I’ll always remember the last words my father said before he accidently shot himself. “Safety first, Safe…”” Advice



If someone throws a rock at you, your defense shouldn’t be a sheet of paper. Advice



When people say I care too much about what other people think, I reply tearfully “Do you really think that?” Advice



“Let’s face it… Maybe you won’t get ripped in 3 weeks. However, you might grow a beard, change race and facial shape, so the ad is worth a look.” Advice



Before you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you remember that empty lollipop wrappers look like condom wrappers. Advice



“I asked a wise old man what the secret was to ‘eternal life’. He said “Don’t die”” Advice



The RAF. Test trainee pilots’ reaction times by getting them to try to put exactly 10 worth of petrol in their car. Advice



Journalists for local TV stations. Fool viewers into thinking you have been sent abroad by waiting a few seconds before answering questions the presenter asks you Advice



“Here’s a piece of Advice for you. If you’re sitting there in your house with 300 worth of marijuana, and the police are knocking at the door, there is one thing you should definitely not do… Try to burn the evidence.” Advice



BBC News: Taking showers ‘can make you ill’ Hitler – 70 years before his time.” Advice



A Post-it Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. Advice



“I’ve finally realized why Americans kill every joke on here. Because they’ve killed everything else.” Advice



Pretend you are going on a fabulous holiday to Barbados by going to Heathrow and sleeping on the floor. Advice



“Can’t get approval for a savings account? Simply move in with a Tourette’s sufferer, introduce a swear box and watch your investment grow.” Advice



“While the optimist’s gas tank is half full, and the pessimist’s half empty,… they’ll both run out of gas at the exact same spot.” Advice



Go into your local Charity shop, share a story, shed a tear and then see the look on their face when you tell them you’re not really the secret millionaire. Advice



“Breakthrough tooth whitening treatment that doesn’t cost the earth. Paint your face black.” Advice



Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don’t worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport – the time Difference will have taken care of that.” Advice



I was once told to live everyday as if it were my last, but getting depressed, curling up in bed and waiting to die just really doesn’t appeal to me. Advice



“I’ve had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house. It has a warmth that CD flooring can’t match.” Advice



“I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age. My mate remembered some Advice about how to cure hiccups and told me “gently tap her on the back, a little jump might cure them.” Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the bus came. That stopped her hiccups.” Advice



“I got an Advice slip from the cash machine today, It read ‘Don’t re-heat chicken once it’s cooked’” Advice



WIG WEARERS. Don’t waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the ‘boy band’ look Advice



Morning glory just isn’t the same without a smile on the end of it… so make yourself useful mum. Advice



Pubs. Save money on hand driers by just hanging up a pair of jeans. Advice



“How do you know when you’ve had too much? When you run out.” Advice



Women: Save money on mascara, eyeliner, and other expensive eye make-up by simply forgetting to put Mayonnaise in my sandwich. Advice



Special occasion today so you know what that means, CLEAN BOXERS! Advice



"To all those failing businesses out there who say, “I can't afford to advertise because I've not got enough work in.”- That's like saying, “I can't afford to get this terminal brain tumor removed because I'm saving up for a holiday in 3 years.”" Advice



“What do you call a man with no arms or legs? A cab, so he can get home.” Advice



“I just realized flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. That’s interesting.” Advice



Scouters, Get your day off to a cracking start by adding a couple of shots of active to your vodka Advice



There’s a very easy way to avoid body odor. Don’t get the tube. Advice



Sharing is caring. Unless you have aids. Advice



Walkers. Sell more crisps in Arabic countries by introducing a new Sultan Sheikh range. Advice



“What do you call a fat chick with a great personality..? A barrel of laughs.” Advice



When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong – or absolutely right. Advice



Fill your tires with water instead of air so if you get a puncture you can trace back to the hazard and warn other motorists. Advice



“Best piece of Advice I’ve ever been given for delivering talks? Visualize your audience naked. It certainly helped with the half-time team talk for the Under 10s football team I coach.” Advice



Yes frank I know there’s a darker side to drugs it’s called the dealers! Advice



Claustrophobics need to get out more…. Advice



Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot. Advice



Scare hotel staff by riding a tricycle through the corridors and talking backwards to your finger. Advice



The heel of a gentlemen’s’ shoe makes an ideal door for a mouse hole. Advice



“Take my Advice…….. Don’t listen to strangers.” Advice



Someone at work told me I was stupid for not getting out of my seat before putting on my jacket, and I thought “I’m not going to stand for that” Advice



The good thing about having a ginger kid is you don’t have to beat him up yourself. Advice



BBC News: Pressure mounts to phase out IE6 I never liked that postcode anyway.” Advice



“I gave my son some valuable Advice today. I told him “Put your money where your mouth is.” Little spastic choked to death on a tenner.” Advice



“My father always said to me, ‘if you build it, they will come’. That’s why I now own my own strip club.” Advice



“There are two types of people in the world: 1) those who can deduce complete facts from incomplete data” Advice



I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to him “Dad, how should I treat women?” My dad’s answer has enlightened the rest of my life. “To their face or behind their back?” Thanks, dad. Advice



A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single. Advice



By grabbing hold of a Charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt. Advice



A wise woman once said, only joking there are no wise women. Advice



Lesson in Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher. Advice



“So the wife left me today.. I guess replying “ just go out without your makeup on” when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn’t such a great idea” Advice



“I forgot to clean my teeth this morning. My boss told me to eat a packet of mince, but it just made things worse.” Advice



If I lived every day like it was my last, I’d probably spend the rest of my life depressed that I was going to die the following day. Advice



“My wife phoned me at work today. “On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me some Tamp ax?” “I take it it’s started again then.” I sighed. I hate having to put up with her nosebleeds.” Advice



“Wife asked me for a cup of tea earlier.. I poured her out a cup of boiling water. She said “How about a teabag love” So i gave her one.” Advice



“I like to watch what I eat. Then eat it.” Advice



When giving blood always remember to say “When” Advice



Parents. Avoid scarring your Children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and locking them in a cupboard. Advice



Don’t discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish. Advice



“I couldn’t quite see what the sign said, so I stood up. It said “Keep your head down”.” Advice



Steal from pessimists, they’ll never bother with the police. Advice



Before you let a motivational poster motivate you, ask yourself, “If it’s so good, why are these people making posters instead of climbing mountains?” Advice



“Practical Joke: When you’re at work and bored out of your mind, try this: Write a note to your boss saying that a Miss Hughes phoned and needs them to ring her back ASAP. Then scroll the number for either the local Dolcis, Barratts or Clarks down and watch their face when they look like a tool ringing the number.” Advice



I’ll always remember the day my teacher asked me ‘Didn’t your Mother teach you not to play with fire?’ No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994. Advice



Avoid wear and tear on your Children’s teeth by instead of giving those boiled sweets, give them frozen Brussels sprouts to suck….. Advice



I beat the Credit crunch by using cash. Advice



When shopping for my wife, should I go through a pimp or use Russian mail order? Advice



TOP TIP Save 40 pence per week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine.” Advice



Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you’re not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the Nothing Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely. Advice



“The New Audi R8 Spider… because your bald patch isn’t quite getting the attention it deserves” Advice



“I just watched an advert which said “no one knows P&O cruises like Thomas Cook” I don’t want to be pedantic but surely P&O know better!” Advice



“Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk. “Not astronaut food”.” Advice



If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it. Advice



“Never get into a fight with someone who has a large tattoo on their neck. Do they look the kind of person who has anything to lose?” Advice



“What’s more fun than a Fun Size candy bar? A regular sized candy bar.” Advice



Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house. Advice



“If your mother-in-law dies just remember – the gathering that takes place after the burial is called ‘the wake.’ Not ‘the after party.’” Advice



Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then go nuts shouting you’ve won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you’ll instantly feel good again. Advice



My friends recommended to me that I join Apathetic Anonymous to remedy my depression, but I’m just not bothered. Advice



“Use only as directed.” Really? I’m taking pills, not performing on Broadway. Advice



Some people say love makes the world go round, others say its money, I say it’s the suns gravitational attraction. Advice



“Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman. You’re guaranteed at some point in the night, she’s going to breakdown.” Advice



“Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don’t trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann’s an hour ago and have not seen it since” Advice



Sometimes it’s very hard to handle my schizophrenia all alone.. WHO SAID THAT Advice



“Have you ever felt like you’ve had a sudden loss of hearing? Repeating the same thing over & over again and getting nowhere? Does your temper escalate furiously? Then you’ve dialed 118 118.” Advice



“Tip for staying safe in the underground: All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly running with a briefcase, tripping up. Answer: Don’t carry a briefcase around.” Advice



“You want to win an argument? Accuse somebody of always contradicting you.” Advice



“Temple run, only realistic if you spend ten thousand and buy the black guy.” Advice



My son told me he’s been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation, he came to me for Advice. “Son”, I said. “The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap. Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for certainty.” Advice



“When you go abroad you should be careful of muggers, rapists and murderers also don’t drink the dirty water. But as soon as you get out of the UK you should be fine.” Advice



About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write everything backwards so they can read it. Advice



BING – Because It’s Not Google. Acronym



“My kid asked me what a priest was the other day. So I explained…. Pedophile Resident In Every Small Town” acronym



“My son came over to me and asked, “Dad, how do you spell diarrhea?” I replied, “I don’t know son, but Doesn’t It Always Run Really Horribly over Each Ankle!”” acronym



“If England thought their group was England Algeria Slovenia Yanks …Then they might as well pack their Brazil Argentina Germany Spain.” Acronym



“I went to an AA meeting last night. The shops were closed and I needed some batteries.” Acronym



“What does WTC stand for? What Trade Centre.” Acronym



COD It’s no coincidence it’s an acronym for Cause of Divorce.” Acronym



“When someone next says to you “See You Next Tuesday” ie C.U.N.T. acronym which is quite offensive – Reply “Tuesday, Wednesday And Thursday” ie T.W.A.T. acronym! You’ll have the last laugh!” acronym



“Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep.” Acronym



Does Sri Lanka have a Prime Minister and, if so, is he the PMSL? Acronym



I’m thinking of setting up an Acronym Hate Group. Or AHG for short. Acronym



I was going to learn which pedal was which for my driving exam, but I CBA. Acronym



“I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA. I’m not making a lot of progress.” Acronym



“Anyone else in the UK noticed the new Tango slogan…Tango With Added Tango Now look at the left column of letters…” acronym



“Hi, I am part of the A.H.S. except we call it the Abbreviation Hating Society.” Acronym



POV, BDSM, DP, BBW, BDWC. I’m so glad my wife can’t break codes.” Acronym



“Teacher: “Lana, can you spell you name backwards please?” Student: “yes sir” Teacher: “do you?”” acronym



“I love going to my bedroom, stripping off and having a night in playing with my DS.

Sounds better than saying disabled son.” Acronym



M.M.O.R.P.G – Many Men Online Role Playing as Girls. Acronym



“Obama really should have thought his next campaign through a little bit more, The War Against

Terrorism” acronym



“R.A.P.E.: Rough Asphyxiation People Enjoy.” Acronym



“‘I’ve got a new job with the World Health Organization.’ ‘Who?’ ‘That’s the one.’” Acronym



When decorators are waiting for their paint to dry, how do they describe how boring it is? Acronym



BRB. I’m not really going anywhere but neither is this conversation.” Acronym



“What do you call a color blind butcher? Graham” acronym



So glad the saying ‘YOLO’ came out, I was thinking we got a second shot at this thing! Acronym



“Just got back from the annual atheist beach party weekend, it was crazy. Oh the things I saw, I was like O.M. .” acronym



FIFA: Financial Incentives from Applicants. Acronym



arggh! Can’t think of a catchy name for my freshly-made lemonade stall. FML acronym



Wish I could play piano better, but cab, are the only 3 keys I’ve been bothered to learn so far. Acronym



“Taking the Sun’s England Algeria Slovenia Yanks formula. How about the tournament of love for the final four? Holland Uruguay Germany Spain Alternatively, the tournament of hate. Germany Uruguay Netherlands Spain Either way, it ends in pain!” acronym



YOLO; You Obviously Lack Originality. Acronym



Raking leaves half-way through autumn is like wiping half-way through a dump. Acronym



“What we say, and what we actually mean. Lol = I didn’t smile but I do appreciate the humor of the event in question. Rofl = I smiled a tiny bit, and I also made a strange noise from my nose. Lmao = I smiled, and made that strange noise again, this time in a higher pitch. Omgroflmao = I actually laughed.” Acronym



“Does anyone know what the acronym g2g means? Every time I ask someone they just make an excuse to leave.” Acronym



“A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?

A flock of dead sheep.” Animals-Insects



“A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?” Animals-Insects



If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, “Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time. Animals-Insects



Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren’t that hungry after all? Animals-Insects



“My dog always barks when there’s someone at the door. I don’t know why, as it’s never anyone for him.” Animals-Insects



“I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet’s life with dignity” Even after I’d read it, I just couldn’t put it down.” Animals-Insects



“I’m really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, “I can’t go on, I hate my life”. My room-mate’s too selfish to notice. He’s always crying.” Animals-Insects



Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web. Animals-Insects



90% of dogs in Korea are inbred... like in a sandwich or something. Animals-Insects



“Now, how’s he going to read that magazine all rolled up like that…?” thought the spider. Animals-Insects



“In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three-pound live lobsters – one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well I Lad die I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed!” The fisherman says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.” The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?” “Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!” “Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.” So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?” The fisherman says “What For?” The Fisheries Officer says, “ To call in the Lobsters” The fisherman says, “ What Lobsters?”” Animals-Insects



“What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground.” Animals-Insects



“My kids want a dog but I’ve refused to get them a Labrador. It’s frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind.” Animals-Insects



My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry, at least he died in comfort. Animals-Insects



“Some you attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat. I was really impressed at how well he’d trained It.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a sign recently that said, “Dogs Die in Hot Cars.” This Advice saved me 80 in vet bills when I had to get my Alsatian put down.” Animals-Insects



““How depressing, it’s so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied… then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.” Animals-Insects



“A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “Can you have a look at him,” he says, “I think he’s cross-eyed”. So the vet picks up the dog and examines him. “I’m going to have to put him down,” says the vet. “Why, just because he’s cross eyed?” “No,” says the vet, “because he’s heavy!”” Animals-Insects



“Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.” Animals-Insects



“I just bought a goldfish, but unfortunately it’s epileptic. The weird thing is as long as I leave it in the bowl, its fine. The second I take it out to play fetch, it has a seizure.” Animals-Insects



“People say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals other than humans, and I’m starting to believe it’s true. Within a week of being in captivity, they can train someone to stand by their pool and give them a fish.” Animals-Insects



I heard about this guy who broke into a lion’s den at the zoo and got mauled. And people were talking about how there should have been better defenses put up to prevent people getting into the cage.. A friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in. Animals-Insects



I’ve just bought that new Lynx deodorant – breadcrumb edition. The birds can’t get enough of me! Animals-Insects



“You got to feel sorry for bees. How unlucky can you get? Black AND Ginger.” Animals-Insects



“I wrote a book on penguins. With hindsight, I realize that paper would have been easier.” Animals-Insects



Who would have thought… Tiger’s a Cheetah. Animals-Insects



“I’m fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don’t do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled… …it used to be a leopard.” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroo? One’s a kangaroo and one’s a Geordie stuck in a lift.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve bought myself a chinchilla. That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather.” Animals-Insects



“I drove my daughter’s guinea pig to the vet’s this morning. I’m quite handy with my new Callaway golf clubs.” Animals-Insects



“The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” Well, swimming, I suppose.” Animals-Insects



“How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But how did they get in there?” Animals-Insects



“I bought a race horse and decided to call it “MY FACE”. Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting “COME ON MY FACE”!!” Animals-Insects



I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he’ll never have any friends. Animals-Insects



“A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”” Animals-Insects



“People often say that I overuse non sequitur in my humor. To get to the other side.” Animals-Insects



When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens? Animals-Insects



“Cigarettes are just like weasels. Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them…” Animals-Insects



“9 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas. I know, I pulled them off my cat and it’s never been the same since.” Animals-Insects



“A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever >> sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.” “I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. “Ten dollars,” the guy says. “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” “Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”” Animals-Insects



“A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, “Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED” The dog says, “Well, I’m not just any dog you know.”

The barman says, “So what makes you so special?”” Animals-Insects



For Sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have just bought metal detector. Animals-Insects



“I decided to get my nephew a puppy for his birthday. As a surprise I decided to put it in a box, wrap it & put a bow on top to disguise the actual gift. Top tip: make sure the dog isn’t inside when putting air holes in the box with a screw driver. My nephew was over the moon with his new remote control car.” Animals-Insects



Hedgehogs: Why can’t they share the hedge? Animals-Insects



The Erectus Trouserius (also known as the trouser snake) is the world’s most dangerous snake. Color varies, from pink to black. It is fang-less, average length is 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies. Usually appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in lower part of the abdominal area. It’s highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting 9 months. It has also been known to attack men from behind. Animals-Insects



““Pets at Home – Where Pets Come First” We’ll see about that” Animals-Insects



How is it that the people in the Churchill advert are completely OK with a talking dog, yet when this talking dog starts making wild claims they suddenly become all cynical? Animals-Insects



“My dog is a blacksmith. Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.” Animals-Insects



If moths like light so much, why don’t they just come out during the day? Animals-Insects



The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign. The slogan is “A dog is not just for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well.” Animals-Insects



My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club. Animals-Insects



I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins – but they keep dying on the bus on the way to the swimming baths. Animals-Insects



“Accidentally ran over and killed the neighbor’s cat this morning.

With a chainsaw.” Animals-Insects



My dog is worried about the economy. Dog food is up to $3.00 per can. That’s $21.00 in dog money! Animals-Insects



“What lies on the ground 100ft in the air? A dead Centipede.” Animals-Insects



“Scientists have discovered that some fish have pedophile tendencies. Specifically, the ones that swim outside the school.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today. I think the parents need to put their foot down.” Animals-Insects



Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man’s best friend? Animals-Insects



“Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just been offered eight legs of venison for 50.Is that too dear?” Animals-Insects



“Sometimes, I really hate myself. But that’s just life when you’re a racist chameleon.” Animals-Insects



It’s ironic that I can’t seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Market. Animals-Insects



At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted? Animals-Insects



“I took my son’s goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there. I knew I should have put some air holes in the cardboard box.” Animals-Insects



“Went to the zoo yesterday. The meerkats didn’t look impressed when I asked them about car insurance. Guess they hear it all the time.” Animals-Insects



Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician. Animals-Insects



“I’m having some problems with my new Staffordshire bull terrier – I rang the vet for some Advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason. The vet replied, “Muzzle ‘im?” “No,” I said, “I think he’s an atheist.”” Animals-Insects



“A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up. The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, “Is it ok if I throw him a bit?” She says, “Sure, go ahead.” The feller grabbed the dog by the neck and chucked it over the hedge.” Animals-Insects



“What’s got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.” Animals-Insects



“A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey. I put them in a jar, and he said, “There are 11 in here mate.” I said, “I know, one’s a freebie”” Animals-Insects



“I threw a hedgehog at a dArtboard once… Scored 3480.” Animals-Insects



“A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message. “I want it to say ‘woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof’“ The man says, “You have paid 10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge.” The dog says, “But then it wouldn’t make any sense.”” Animals-Insects



“The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank. After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other, “Come on George, don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”” Animals-Insects



“A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.” Animals-Insects



“It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, “I’m afraid your cat won’t last long, it’s the big C…” “What? Cancer?” I replied. “No,” he answered, “curiosity.”” Animals-Insects



“I wanted to start a business grooming dogs. It’s not doing too well at the moment though. Not enough dogs have MSN.” Animals-Insects



“What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl call her dog? Eeeuuuurrrrhhhh!!” Animals-Insects



“I was told today by the council that my dog had to be neutered. There is no way that I can afford to do this at a vet… …So I dyed him ginger.” Animals-Insects



“We had to say goodbye to our German shepherd yesterday. Auf wiedersehen, pet.” Animals-Insects



Snakes. They’re like bits of rope, only angrier. Animals-Insects



“What do you call a gorilla named Geoff? Geoff.” Animals-Insects



Leotard…. A lion with downs syndrome Animals-Insects



“My boss accused me of “acting the monkey” at work. I almost choked on my banana” Animals-Insects



“I broke into a pet shop today and stole a rabbit. Then I made a run for It.” Animals-Insects



“People say that marijuana is good for you because it’s natural, but they don’t realize that just because it’s natural doesn’t mean its safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears.” Animals-Insects



““Have you got any kittens going cheap?” asked a customer in a pet shop. “No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go ‘Meow’.”” Animals-Insects



“The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared. The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me that dog is extraordinary. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” “I’m surprised too,” says the dog’s owner. “He hated the book.”” Animals-Insects



I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it. Animals-Insects



Crouching tiger hidden hydrant. Animals-Insects



“How do you make a walrus commit suicide? Point at its chest and say “What’s that?”” Animals-Insects



“The bee. Nature’s very own suicide bomber.” Animals-Insects



If your pet iguana is sick, do you have a reptile dysfunction? Animals-Insects



“Did you know… An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes. Or longer… If you don’t mind it dying” Animals-Insects



“It looks like we’ve got a new postman. He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign “Beware of the Cat”. Must be his first time delivering to Safari World.” Animals-Insects



“The Unforgettable Elephant Story In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. we’re standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.” Animals-Insects



“Has anyone in the Brighton area lost a small black and white kitten? Because I’ve just run it over.” Animals-Insects



I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought – he’s trying to pull a fast one Animals-Insects



My new budgie started to tweet this morning, strange I thought, because I’m not sure how he managed to turn on my laptop. Animals-Insects



I wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I’m not a coward, I just realize that it would be largely pointless. Animals-Insects



“Looking late at night for the lost Family dog is a bit like mine and my wife’s marriage. We both know it’s dead, but we keep trying for the kids.” Animals-Insects



“What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son? Bison.” Animals-Insects



“What’s the biggest draw back in the Jungle? An elephant’s foreskin!” Animals-Insects



“A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, “Why the long face?” Observing closely from the other side of the bar, I realized my LSD addiction had gone too far.” Animals-Insects



“Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies. My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up. But was she grateful when I cooked one?!” Animals-Insects



“After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme, I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a kebab.” Animals-Insects



“It’s sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things. Like wild dogs.” Animals-Insects



Spice up your hamster’s boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and placing a sign saying “Danger, Quicksand” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I’ve bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.” Animals-Insects



I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? Shut down by the RSPCA.” Animals-Insects



“What do you use a wombat for? Playing wom.” Animals-Insects



“What’s grey and comes in pints? An elephant.” Animals-Insects



“What Orchestra instruments do Meerkats play? Cymbals.” Animals-Insects



“What do a short-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? They both have wet noses.” Animals-Insects



“Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “what are you up to there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “that’s because he’s inside your cat.”” Animals-Insects



“What did the slug say to the snail? “Big issue, sir?”” Animals-Insects



“I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel. However I’ve learned that when one of them approaches your Children you have to be willing to strike hard and fast. I also learned that Koalas aren’t great fighters.” Animals-Insects



“I fancy a nice bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could any of you tell me whether it’s cheaper from a butchers or a pet shop?” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…” Animals-Insects



“Unicorns do exist. Only they’re fat, grey and we call them rhinos.” Animals-Insects



I’ve named my dog “Cash Reward”’ so if it ever goes missing and I put up posters people will look for him, but I won’t have to pay up when he’s found. Animals-Insects



“An old farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper?” asked his wife. “Here boy,” said the farmer.” Animals-Insects



“What do elephants and grapes have in common? They both have trunks, except for the grapes.” Animals-Insects



“My neighbor has just walked past with two dogs. I said, “I didn’t know you had any dogs.” She said, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.” I said, “Your sisters are very ugly.”” Animals-Insects



“Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got It.” Animals-Insects



““Eat your dinner,” I said to my young son. “I don’t want to!” he replied, pushing his plate away. “Look, I know you’re upset about the death of your dog,” I began, “but as long as you avoid the fur, he’s actually quite delicious.”” Animals-Insects



“My daughter’s guinea pig committed suicide today. I was driving home from the vet’s deliberating whether we could justify the 80 the vet wanted to perform an operation, when, inexplicably, it leapt right out of the car window.” Animals-Insects



“A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies” he responded. “Oh. Killing any?” she asked. “Yes, three males and two Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He replied, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”” Animals-Insects



“When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just dropped my cat in an ice cream maker. Who wants a McFluffy?” Animals-Insects



“If monkeys are related to humans… How come you never see them at weddings?” Animals-Insects



Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re very good at it! Animals-Insects



“When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world. But then I got older and found out that it’s actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day.” Animals-Insects



“I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It’s a frickin’ Elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. What did you call it? I asked. It’s a frickin’ Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, … and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.” Animals-Insects



“Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle. One turns to the other and says, “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”” Animals-Insects



“What’s Black and White and eats like a horse? A zebra.” Animals-Insects



“For anybody who’s scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling. And for anybody scared of spiders, they can now fly.” Animals-Insects



“They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle. Not if you cut it length ways.” Animals-Insects



“My dog just loves chasing cars, he howls and barks and jumps around with joy. It’s funny though, he just walks off when he hears anything else by Snow Patrol.” Animals-Insects



“I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits.” Animals-Insects



“My next door neighbor keeps racing pigeons… but the pigeons always win.” Animals-Insects



“The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles. The above sentence is also true if you remove the word “moth”.” Animals-Insects



“What is the brown stuff between Elephant’s toes? Slow Natives.” Animals-Insects



“I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk. He did a few laps.” Animals-Insects



“A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler. He says to the jeweler, “Can thee make me a gold statue o’ me dog?” The jeweller replies, “Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?” To which the Barnsley lad says, “No, daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!”” Animals-Insects



“I looked after my gran’s place while she was away. She came back today and rang me up: “Why the cat in the birdcage is and where is the budgie?” I said, “Technically speaking gran, the budgie’s still in the cage.”” Animals-Insects



“What’s pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife!” Animals-Insects



“I’ve got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.” Animals-Insects



““Goldfish have a memory that only lasts for five seconds.” If Google Chrome had that, I’d still be in a relationship.” Animals-Insects



I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers Animals-Insects



“Apparently, Penguins mate for life. Course they do… It’s not like they’re going to find a more attractive Penguin.” Animals-Insects



Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig Animals-Insects



“What do you call a bears with no ears? B” Animals-Insects



I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment, especially round Council Estates and the like. I’ll be honest, I really don’t like them. They are ugly, muscular, vicious, and unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their dogs, on the other hand, I quite like. Animals-Insects



“Woman goes into a butcher’s… “I’d like an oxtail please”. “Certainly”, replies the butcher, “Once there was an ox…”” Animals-Insects



“I rang the zoo earlier today and got the fax machine by mistake. Either that or the Dolphins are a lot smArter than we think.” Animals-Insects



“A frogs perspective on life; Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” Animals-Insects



“I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road. Luckily he had his address written on his collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note.” Animals-Insects



“The sign on the door said “Guide dogs welcome”. As I entered the shop, a Labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.” Animals-Insects



“My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the Family dog. I found it staggering.” Animals-Insects



Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn’t work so he resorted to Plan Bee Animals-Insects



“I have just come back from a short break in Korea.. Let me tell you their “Slush Puppies” are nothing like ours.” Animals-Insects



“I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl. He wags his tail a lot.” Animals-Insects



“A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself. Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.” Animals-Insects



“My 100ft snake died today. So long…” Animals-Insects



“I must have the smArtest dog in the world. I once asked him what 7 times 7 minus 49 was – he said nothing.” Animals-Insects



“A Giraffe. The result of upper cutting a horse.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a sign in a restaurant “chicken dinner 50p.” I went in and ordered one and the waiter brought me a plate of bird seed.” Animals-Insects



Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit seriously? Animals-Insects



“Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few Animals that can make its own custard.” Animals-Insects



My girlfriend lets me into the zoo after it’s closed for the day. She’s definitely a keeper. Animals-Insects



“What’s the fastest animal alive? An Ethiopian chicken.” Animals-Insects



“I tried to teach my dog how to fetch. He just doesn’t get it.” Animals-Insects



“I named my new rabbit Floppy. He has Erectile Dysfunction.” Animals-Insects



“How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!” Animals-Insects



I’ve always been amazed by the Dolly the Sheep story. It’s amazing to know we’ve managed to make a clone of a sheep. Just imagine that, a field full of sheep that all look the same. Animals-Insects



“I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.

He’s actually getting pretty good at it.” Animals-Insects



“I was playing the piano when an elephant walked in. He started crying his eyes out! I said, “oh, you recognize the tune?” The elephant said, “no, I recognize the ivory.”” Animals-Insects



“I love watching Animals eating on the Internet. I’m watching a live feed now.” Animals-Insects



“I had a psychic chicken. It was always crossing over to the other side.” Animals-Insects



“When was the last time a boxer became champion and then sat in the ring? Crufts 1964.” Animals-Insects



“Two dragons go into a pub. The first says, “It’s hot in here isn’t it?” The other replies, “Shut your mouth.”” Animals-Insects



Imagine the difficulty and discomfort a giraffe gets when trying to throw up. Animals-Insects



“What came first, the chicken or the egg? …Neither. No-one came until the rooster did.” Animals-Insects



“Cash my gold returned my package with a note attached saying they had forwarded my details to the RSPCA. Apparently goldfish weren’t what they were after.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a sign on the A1 today that read, “ CAUTIONHORSE DRAWN VEHICLES AHEAD”. I was just impressed that they could hold a pencil.” Animals-Insects



“Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: “I was Artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”” Animals-Insects



““Can you do an impression of a parrot?” asked my mate. “Can you do an impression of a parrot?” I replied.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just moved into my new flat and there isn’t any room to swing a cat. So I kicked it to death.” Animals-Insects



Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Animals-Insects



“I’ve just been given the sack from the pet shop. We’ve got far too many kittens again.” Animals-Insects



“A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, “What seems to be the problem”? “I’m out of petrol.” The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. “Try it now,” said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow!” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank”? The bee answered, “BP.”” Animals-Insects



“A man walks into a bar and asks the bArtender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bArtender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bArtender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bArtender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. “Are you insane?” the bArtender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”” Animals-Insects



“An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. “Oh, no,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog,” said the shopkeeper. “It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the washing powder that killed him.” “Oh? What was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle!”” Animals-Insects



“I thought it was cute to name my dog ‘trouble’, but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose him.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the kitten cross the road? Because my football’s got a puncture.” Animals-Insects



“I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”” Animals-Insects



“What’s purple and falls out of trees? A monkey’s miscarriage.” Animals-Insects



“Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smArter. The first bloke says, “My dog is so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.” The second man says, “I know.” “How do you know?” asks the first bloke. “My dog told me.” says the second man.” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend’s cat died today. It was really hard trying to explain to her how he died… …and even harder to explain why I ate him afterwards.” Animals-Insects



“One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself. The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn’t worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him. The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times. The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says “What about 100 times? Or 200?” The mermaid goes “Err, you think that you can handle it?” And he replies “Sure! How do you think all the cows died???”” Animals-Insects



“Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”” Animals-Insects



“I phoned my wife at work. “We’re out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?” “Give them some carrots,” she said, “and make sure you skin them first.” I called back an hour later.

“They’re not eating the carrots. In fact, they’re not doing much at all.” “That’s odd,” she said, “I know,” I said. “Now, what shall I do with all this fur?”” Animals-Insects



“If carrots are meant to be good for your eyes, then why there are so many dead rabbits on our roads?” Animals-Insects



“I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off. Luckily I took it to Tesco, Britain’s biggest retailer.” Animals-Insects



“A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy “Say ‘aah’ please, sir.” The guy asks “Why do you want ME to say ‘aah’?” The vet replies “Because your dog’s dead.”” Animals-Insects



“There was a cow on the loose in the neighborhood yesterday. Can’t have been mine, she was ironing all day.” Animals-Insects



“Not everyone hates Muslims. Mosquitos find them very attractive.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just been into my local pet shop. I said, “How much is that doggy in the window?” “The one with the waggly tail?” the owner replied, laughing. “No, the one with three legs. I’ve only got twenty quid,” I replied.” Animals-Insects



“I asked the chemist, “What’s best for nasty insect bites?” “Probably mosquitos,” he replied.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? Receding hairline.” Animals-Insects



“Remember a tortoise is for life. So once he’s died, hollow him out and use him as an ashtray.” Animals-Insects



“I recently went out on a date with a dolphin. We just clicked…” Animals-Insects



“My dog’s got synesthesia. How does he smell? Purple.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a monkey playing the drums today. Baboon tsh!” Animals-Insects



“What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.” Animals-Insects



“A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed. “Would you like them mounted?” Asked the taxidermist. “Oooo no….”says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”” Animals-Insects



Just saw the neighbor’s little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night he wasn’t supposed to. Animals-Insects



I went into an internet chat room for people who like Animals last night. I was pretending to be a horse. I got chatting to a really nice guy, but after about half an hour I realized he was grooming me. Animals-Insects



“Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic? To get away from America” Animals-Insects



“I was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it. All the other kids on the carousel started screaming.” Animals-Insects



““Sponsor a Dog for Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you” says the advert. If the dog’s literate, can’t it earn its own money with some sort of administrative job?” Animals-Insects



“Someone just called my mate an ape. I took offense because he’s my prime mate.” Animals-Insects



“I recently tried to save a dog from drowning whilst on holiday in China… …but I burnt my hand on the saucepan.” Animals-Insects



“My Son came home crying and told me that the old bloke next door had burst his football with a knife because he was sick of it ending up in his garden. “Don’t worry, Son.” I said, “We’ll do the same to him next time something of his is in our garden.” “What do you mean Dad?” He asked. “You’ll see.” I replied with a wink. “Now put this bowl of cat food outside.”” Animals-Insects



“Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.” Animals-Insects



I bought a new dog yesterday. I’ve named him Rolex…….he’s a watchdog Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a fish and a mountain goat? One mucks about in fountains…” Animals-Insects



“Peperami, it’s a bit of an animal. I’ve no idea which animal though, or which bit.” Animals-Insects


Snip…Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears… Animals-Insects



“How do you make a cat flap? Throw it off a cliff.” Animals-Insects



I have a dog with no legs. We call it “Cigarette”, because you have to take it outside for a drag. Animals-Insects



“Some people wish their pets could talk. I don’t. They might tell.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross a lion and a tiger? Mauled” Animals-Insects



“albert Gordon posted: My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown. I’m seriously considering getting a shark.—————————————I’d get a pet toaster.” Animals-Insects



“A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means “screw you” in gorilla language. The explanation didn’t make the victim feel any better – and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla’s cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.” Animals-Insects



“Why didn’t the Chicken cross the road? He saw what happened to the Zebra.” Animals-Insects



“What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through something so small?”” Animals-Insects



Pandas are the least racist animal. They’re black, white and Asian. Animals-Insects



‘Animals Do the Funniest Things’ sent my video back with a note asking me to seek help. Animals-Insects



I’ve got a dog called Curiosity. Animals-Insects



“We’re what you might call the average Family. There’s me, the wife, and 2.4 kids. We used to have 3 kids… …then we got the Pit bull…” Animals-Insects



“My little girl came in crying her eyes out. “Daddy! Daddy! Fluffy is lying still in his hutch. I think he may be dead.” So I went to have a look. Sure enough he was. “Daddy, why is his Willie sticking out?” I now regret quipping, “I guess old rabbits die hard.” The bawling sounds like it could go on all day.” Animals-Insects



In the pursuit of scientific answers, Animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything. Animals-Insects



I tried water polo once and my horse drowned. Animals-Insects



I had a pet spider when I was younger. I discovered that when I shouted ‘LEFT’ he went left, and when I shouted ‘RIGHT’ he went right, and when I pulled his legs off. . . . he went deaf. Animals-Insects



“What did one lesbian frog say to the other? By God, we DO taste like chicken!!!” Animals-Insects



I finally managed to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with fifty pounds. Animals-Insects



“I’ve just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves. He said he was ambidextrous.” Animals-Insects



“I and a few friends went out for a meal the other week, we all decided we would try the duck…

I always seem to get stuck with the bill.” Animals-Insects



"I saw my mate Dan the other day and he'd bought himself a dog -- a great Dane. I said “What's with the pooch, mate?” He said “Research shows that people who own dogs live ten years longer”. I had to laugh when it dragged him under a bus!" Animals-Insects



“I put a zebra through the scanner at Tesco’s. Cost me 400.” Animals-Insects



“Rottweiler for sale. Very fond of people. Reluctant to let go.” Animals-Insects



“I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares. So I yelled, “You herd!”” Animals-Insects



“How do you make a bear cross? Nail two of them together.” Animals-Insects



“You know what gets my goat? El chupacabra” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a cow and a hamster? A cow survives branding.” Animals-Insects



“Has anyone seen the new Shaun the Sheep DVD Shaun the Sheep Goes to Wales RATED 18” Animals-Insects



I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don’t know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven’t had much business though. Maybe it’s the sign on the front of the building… Animals-Insects



“In the countryside, a guy’s car gets stuck in a muddy rut. Fortunately, a farmer is just walking his strong-looking shire horse past. “Don’t worry, there,” says the farmer, hitching the horse to the car. “Soon have you out.” Then he calls out to the horse “Pull, Dobbin!” But the horse doesn’t budge, so he tells it “Pull, Barney!” Still no response, so he says “Pull, Harry!” and this time, the horse gives an almighty tug and the car comes free. “That’s great, thanks very much,” says the driver, and then asks “Couldn’t you remember his name or something?” “No, it’s just that Harry’s blind,” says the farmer. “He wouldn’t bother trying if he thought he was the only one pulling.”” Animals-Insects



A bit of Advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes. Animals-Insects



“What animal mauls you, then starts to cry? A bipolar bear.” Animals-Insects



“I think these animal rights protesters have double standards. Why do they only throw red paint over posh women in mink? If they feel so strongly about people wearing coats made from dead Animals then why aren’t they down the local bikers pub splattering everyone in Deluxe?” Animals-Insects



“A dog’s New Year’s Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand!” Animals-Insects



“What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? Polar Bear” Animals-Insects



If dolphins were as smArt as people say, they’d stop hanging around with tuna fish. Animals-Insects



“I was walking along the beach today, when I stopped to throw pebbles in the sea. The wife will go mad, she loved that dog.” Animals-Insects



If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives Animals-Insects



Police reported earlier today that a cattle truck had tipped on its side, killing the driver and all 100 cattle on board. The Family of the driver announced there will be a memorial service to commemorate the driver, followed by an all-you-can-eat barbecue. Animals-Insects



“A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: HELP WANTED-Must be able to type, have computer skills, and be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”” Animals-Insects



“I went for skills rather than looks when I picked my new dog I got an ex-police drug-sniffer dog. I’ll tell you what, he comes in handy at parties.” Animals-Insects



I’ve named my dog Madness. When people come round I introduce him by saying “This is Madness!”, my flat mate then jumps out and screams “THIS IS SPARTA!” and kicks me in the chest. Worth it. Animals-Insects



“What’s pink and disabled? A flamingo.” Animals-Insects



“Got a letter today from my gran asking me to look after the dog while she’s away for the month. Unluckily for Alfie, she posted it two weeks ago.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call an aardvark that has just been beaten up? A vark.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.” Animals-Insects



“It’s just taken me 3 hours to bury my son’s cat. Probably would have been faster if it was dead.” Animals-Insects



I went out this weekend and bought a new Jack Russell puppy for the Family. It’s black & brown with a small white area…so I called it Birmingham… Animals-Insects



“I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”” Animals-Insects



“This chicken came up to me today and said “Buck, Buck, Buck” I’d never heard such fowl language.” Animals-Insects



“When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she wished it would be that cute forever. She’s going to be so surprised when I get it stuffed for her birthday.” Animals-Insects



I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. Animals-Insects



“I went into the pet shop yesterday and said, “My two cats keep bringing fleas into the house, do you have anything to stop it?” “Sure,” replied the cashier, “Rub this powder all over their fur and it should kill them within 24 hours.” She was right, I woke up this morning and both cats were dead.” Animals-Insects



“It’s only lunchtime and I’ve already broken 2 of my resolutions. At least the third is safe until I find a goat.” Animals-Insects



My dog swallowed my TV remote control. Now, I have to pat his back to get the BBC, press his stomach to get Sky, rub his neck to get ITV… and decided I could do without Channel 4. Animals-Insects



“What’s black and white and red all over? A penguin that has been rescued by the American R.S.P.C.A” Animals-Insects



“Being a vet, I’m always looking for ways to brighten up the horrible task of putting down Animals. Do you think the CD tray from a computer would make a good hamster guillotine?” Animals-Insects



“A famous Art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale. The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”” Animals-Insects



“If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I’ve discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five.” Animals-Insects



Cats and drunks – people who can make themselves comfortable anywhere. Animals-Insects



NEWSFLASH – An Old English Sheep dog has been found hanging from a tree in the Southern states of the USA. The police say the Deluxe Klan did it.” Animals-Insects



“How come when it’s a human it’s an abortion; But when it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?” Animals-Insects



How come David Attenborough is always at the right place at the right time when a “once in a thousand years” nature event happens? Animals-Insects



“Have you ever seen a goldfish bowl? I just saw one get a strike.” Animals-Insects



“I went to Cheltenham yesterday after hearing it was a great place to see lovely 10 year olds getting ridden. I was let down. It was a horse racing event.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just been to the Galapagos Islands and wiped out all the giant tortoises……. It was turtle annihilation.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a three legged donkey? Glue.” Animals-Insects



Black Beauty, now there’s a dark horse Animals-Insects



You say ‘tortoise’, I say ‘organic flesh light’. Animals-Insects



“Tired? Stressed? Fed up of having grey hair? Tough….you’re a squirrel” Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you cross a lion with a pen? Eaten by a lion.” Animals-Insects



“Two goats were behind a Hollywood studio eating an old movie reel. One goat said to the other: “Pretty good, huh?” The second goat replied: “Yeah, but not as good as the book.”” Animals-Insects



“How long is a hair on a rabbit’s back? About 10 minutes.” Animals-Insects



I went to the safari park yesterday. When you go past the lions bit they ask you to keep your windows and doors shut. I had to – or my wife would’ve got back in. Animals-Insects



“What do you do if a herd of elephants come over the hill? Swim for it!” Animals-Insects



“Curiosity killed the cat, But I want to know how……..” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a panda deep in thought? A panda.” Animals-Insects



“Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!” Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” “Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!” The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”” Animals-Insects



“My daughter loves reptiles so for her birthday, as money was tight, I told her I had bought her a Chameleon… She’s been looking for it for three days.” Animals-Insects



“Be careful using predictive text whilst driving in bad weather. I sent my boss a text the other day saying “Sorry I’m late, stuck in dog.”” Animals-Insects



“I took my dog for a moonlit walk along the beach last night… …and yet she still claims I’m incapable of romance!” Animals-Insects



“I sent my dog to his kennel and he blew it up. He was a Yorkshire terrorist.” Animals-Insects



"Spud rifle posted: Anybody else going to eat cat food for dinner? I know I am s ------------

Reminds me of the time I bet a mate I could eat a dog food sandwich. I didn’t Win a lot.” Animals-Insects



“Why are there no pigs in Saudi Arabia? Because they are not prepared to live with a bunch of filthy, stinking Arabs.” Animals-Insects



“My horse will only let me ride it in the dark. It’s a nightmare!” Animals-Insects



“I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day. I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid – it melted but nothing too exciting happened. I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur – they got burnt slightly, but it wasn’t that spectacular. I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia – suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!” Animals-Insects



“When i was on Holiday in Canada I saw a sign that said this We advise that you wear noisy little bells on your clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. You should recognize the Difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.” Animals-Insects



“Two bats hanging in a cave and one says to the other “The thing that worries me most about getting old is incontinence”.” Animals-Insects



“What can zebras have that no other Animals can have? Baby zebras.” Animals-Insects



“I went to see a flea circus today, but all the fleas suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. That left us all scratching our heads.” Animals-Insects



Slugs are just snails that didn’t keep up the mortgage payments. Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.” Animals-Insects



Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Animals-Insects



If man did not evolve from apes, how come we like PG tips as much as they do? Animals-Insects



““Here we have a rare creature to these lands. Not native to the South Pole, this mammal can be found observing in numbers of 3-4, standing on its hind legs and seeing through the one big eye that extends out from the rest of its face. Feeding primarily on a diet of packaged food, what a peculiar creature it is.” A penguin’s account of a BBC natural history camera crew.” Animals-Insects



Do cats think its bad luck when a black person crosses their path? Animals-Insects



There is a place on this Earth for all of God’s creatures – right next to the mashed potatoes. Animals-Insects



In honour of Wally the whale that died in the River Thames a couple of years ago, Vera Lynn is to produce a tribute record, which is to be called “Whale Meat Again”. Animals-Insects



“I spent a year breeding rabbits. It was a hare raising experience.” Animals-Insects



“My wife gets all teary eyed when she sees seals being clubbed on the telly, but she doesn’t think twice about asking me to whack a spider in the bath with a newspaper. And what’s a spider doing with a newspaper, anyway?” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t really matter it won’t come anyway” Animals-Insects



To ease the overcrowding in prisons why don’t they release the murderers but make them wear a little bell round their necks. This method has certainly worked on my cat which used to kill no end of birds, but has not killed one since I fixed it to his collar. Animals-Insects



“What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decalfinated.” Animals-Insects



“How do you get two whales in a car? Down the M4.” Animals-Insects



“I just read that China’s last Giant Panda fell into quicksand. The WWF say it hasn’t quite sunk in yet.” Animals-Insects



“What looks like a rainbow and brings laughter and joy to so many? An exploding parrot.” Animals-Insects



“They say “you are what you eat”… …so why doesn’t duck taste like bread..?” Animals-Insects



“I went to a restaurant, and really could have eaten a horse. But I stopped after the mane.” Animals-Insects



“Geese and swans mate for life. That would explain why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.” Animals-Insects



“My wife just text me, “Wolfs are mythological creatures right?” I could not believe the stupidity. Everyone knows “wolves” is plural.” Animals-Insects



“Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.

So, anyway, I’m there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out. Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-

That’s a shame. The Dog would have loved them” Animals-Insects



“Did you know it takes 40 pigs to make 3,000 sausages? It’s amazing what you can teach them” Animals-Insects



“I regret marrying a Himalayan cattle herder. All she ever does is complain about how homesick she is. “Yak, yak, yak.”” Animals-Insects



BBC News: “Giant bird found on hobbit island” So, just a normal bird then?” Animals-Insects



“A Horse walks into a Bar carrying a pair of Jump-Leads… The Barman says “I don’t mind the long face, but if you try and start anything you’re out!”” Animals-Insects



“I knocked on a guy’s house the other day “I’m really sorry mate but my Cat’s just killed your dog” “Impossible!” He exclaimed, “My dog is a 90lb Pit bull terrier, It would tear a cat to shreads, what happened?!” “Well I was digging up the road with it and I backed up over him”” Animals-Insects



“Through a Greenpeace scheme, I’ve already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey … I’m really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is.” Animals-Insects



“My wife is so attached to her new puppy. I love superglue pranks.” Animals-Insects



“My cat gave birth in the middle of our street today. The council fined me for littering.” Animals-Insects



Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons… Animals-Insects



Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers. Animals-Insects



My dog recently swallowed a whole set of alphabet fridge magnets. He’s been leaving little messages around the house. Animals-Insects



Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He’s a boxer. Animals-Insects



“I cleaned my fish out last night. Can’t believe how bad they are at poker!” Animals-Insects



“I’m so upset having my pet chameleon put down, but the vet was right. What’s the point in carrying on if he wasn’t going to change.” Animals-Insects



“My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn’t want to visit the abattoir again.” Animals-Insects



You know you had a good night clubbing when the RSPCA turn up at your door the next morning. Animals-Insects



“They say the early bird catches the worm. On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.” Animals-Insects



“There is no sense in running from your problems. Unless they are lions” Animals-Insects



“When I found out my missus’ pet spider was on the loose, I went and bought a tank… That should enable me to fire at it from a reasonably safe distance.” Animals-Insects



“I got fired a few days into my job as a vet, when a woman brought in a sick hedgehog. Apparently, up down left right A B C start isn’t an appropriate cure.” Animals-Insects



“What’s invisible and smells like carrots…. .. Rabbit farts.” Animals-Insects



“There were two hedgehogs sitting by the road. The first hedgehog said “I’ve got this really cool game we can play” the hedgehog went into the middle of the road, curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The hedgehog said “now it’s your turn” “no way that’s to scary” said the second hedgehog. “No look, it’s really easy” said the hedgehog as he went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball and a car drove over him. The first hedgehog said “look there’s a car coming now it’s your turn” the second hedgehog plucked up the courage, went into the middle of the road and curled up into a ball. SPLAT. 3 wheeled car.” Animals-Insects



“I decided to sell my stuffed labrador on eBay. It didn’t fetch very much.” Animals-Insects



“The Kwik-Fit mechanic had a puzzled look on his face when I asked him if I could get a wheel balanced. “You can do that, right?” I asked. “Well, yeah,” he said. “I’ve just never done one for a hamster before.”” Animals-Insects



“I’ve had to close my curiosity shop due to an infestation. I found 17 dead cats in there this morning.” Animals-Insects



I realize that asking my dogs which one of them farted is pointless, but if I don’t ask, they might think it was me. Animals-Insects



A world without bears would be unbearable. Animals-Insects



“I love defenseless Animals. Especially in a good gravy.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a dog doing his business in my garden. Didn’t even know they could use laptops.” Animals-Insects



It is my firm opinion that every whale that gets beached is just trying its best to evolve. Animals-Insects



“How do you make a dog go “Meow?” Freeze-dry it, then run it through a band saw.” Animals-Insects



“My dog collapsed this morning. I rushed him down the vets and the vet said, “Do you think he’s eaten something?” I said, “God no – I haven’t fed him for two weeks.”” Animals-Insects



“I’ve trained my Rottweiler to attack and bite on command. Should be fun – the command I’ve chosen is, “Can I stroke your dog?”” Animals-Insects



“My neighbor’s cat just spat at me. So I turned the heat down on the frying pan.” Animals-Insects



“I thought I saw a Robin Red Breast in the park today. It turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.” Animals-Insects



“I took my kids to the zoo last week. Apparently they’ve settled in quite well…” Animals-Insects



“After 20 years of painfully hard work I’ve almost finished my book. I can’t believe that little caterpillar is still hungry.” Animals-Insects



“I tried to find out exactly how loud my dogs bark was. But I could only get a ruff estimate.” Animals-Insects



“When i get a dog, i’m going to call him STAY, just to confuse him ‘COME HERE, STAY, COME HERE, STAY’” Animals-Insects



“Some people are worried that the Bees are dying out By the size of them this year, it probably because they’ve started eating each other.” Animals-Insects



“Paying a vet to have your pet put down is like riding a bike. Why do either if you have a car?” Animals-Insects



I never got over that day back in 1971 when my dad told me my favorite pet, a 3/8th of an unchipped was now called a centipede. Animals-Insects



“So… Did they call it an AMERICAN pit bull terrier because it was first bred in America? Or because it tries to eat everything it comes in contact with?” Animals-Insects



I see in the news that Koalas are in danger of being extinct within the next 30 years…which makes the 2 stuffed ones that I bought on my holidays a decent investment. Animals-Insects



“I don’t know why people think that puppies are sweet. They taste sour to me.” Animals-Insects



“Our Family dog of 13 years died the other week when I accidently reversed onto him. Naturaly there was an awkward silence when my daughter brought him up at dinner today. It’s not her fault though… we’re Korean and she’s anorexic.” Animals-Insects



“Why was the dog standing still? Because it was on paws.” Animals-Insects



“I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put down. He asked me, “is he mad?” To which I replied, “well, he’s not exactly pleased about it.”” Animals-Insects



“One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, “I’m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker.” “Really?” I said. “You look more like a prop forward to me.”” Animals-Insects



“My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they’re having problems with actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls. I personally don’t see what the problem is. If they’ve got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most likely a pitbull.” Animals-Insects



“Which cautious insect was most adept at sniffing out treasonous plots and insurrections in Communist Russia? The Cagey Bee.” Animals-Insects



“I’m very strict on my Jewish beliefs when it comes to dating. No Pigs.” Animals-Insects



“A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. “Afraid not,” said the farmer. “I’ll give you a thousand bucks!” said the city fella. “I can’t sell you that horse. He don’t look too good,” replied the farmer. “I know horses and he looks fine. I’ll give you two thousand!” “Well, all right, if you want him so bad.” The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. “You sold me a blind horse!” “Well,” said the farmer, “I told you he didn’t look too good.”” Animals-Insects



I watched a chicken cross the road today. It was poultry in motion. Animals-Insects



BBC News: Motorcyclist hit by swan. He should have ducked.” Animals-Insects



I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Animals-Insects



““The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal”. Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him.” Animals-Insects



“I took my dog out for a walk last week. I decided to give him a race… he took the lead… and I haven’t seen him since!” Animals-Insects



“I was sat in the pub last night when a 7 foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.

I thought, “That’s unusual. Frogs normally hop.”” Animals-Insects



“When you next see a bird walking down the road, have a think to yourself maybe it’s scared of heights” Animals-Insects



“It’s a well-known fact that whales are able to communicate over vast distances, up to and even beyond 600 miles. Now, following decades of research and advancement in the field of marine biology, scientists have finally translated these distant calls… “Can you still hear me?”” Animals-Insects



I don’t agree with battery hens. Surely they lay bigger eggs if they’re plugged into the mains. Animals-Insects



“I was unpacking the groceries when I picked up a bunch of bananas and saw a long hairy leg poking out. Closer inspection revealed it was a very large Brazilian Wandering Spider, the most venomous in the world, and not something you would want to touch. It was obviously dazed from being imported in refrigerated conditions, so I carefully placed the bananas back into the carrier bag and tied the handles. Then I did the sensible thing. I shouted upstairs to my wife, “Just off to the pub, darling. Only one last bag to unpack, if you could do the honors.”” Animals-Insects



“I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I woke up with my hand between the wife’s legs!” Animals-Insects



“A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two African nurses. One says, “It’s spelled ‘whoooom’.” The other says, “No, I’m sure it’s spelled ‘whooouuum’.” They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, “I’ll settle this for you, it’s spelled ‘womb’.” One of the nurses replies, “Look, I doubt you’ve ever seen a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater’.” Animals-Insects



“I’m with the other P.E.T.A. People for the Eating of Tasty Animals” Animals-Insects



“A dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS. Either that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one.” Animals-Insects



“My wife said that I need to start making sacrifices for our relationship. She went mental when she checked the rabbit hutch earlier.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you put the head of a lion on the body of an eagle? 2 dead Animals and a fine for killing protected species.” Animals-Insects



“My dog didn’t eat its tea tonight, so I threw it in the bin. He was getting old anyway.” Animals-Insects



“Chinese authorities are becoming more and more concerned with their kids copying Western bad behavior on the streets. A spokesman said, “chopstick crime is up by 30%.”” Animals-Insects



“I was listening to the cricket today and it was announced that Swann had fallen for a duck. “Ah, ain’t that nice!” said my mum.” Animals-Insects



“How do you get down from a elephant? You don’t, you get it from a duck.” Animals-Insects



“On a farm, an old woman sent her grandson to the pond for some water. As he dipped the bucket in, an alligator appeared from under the surface. He dropped the bucket and legged it back to his Grandma’s kitchen. “I can’t get water from that pond,” he cried. “There’s this alligator in there!” She laughed and said “Don’t worry about him, he’s tame. In fact, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him.” “In that case,” he replied, “that water isn’t fit to drink.”” Animals-Insects



A termite walks into a bar and says “is the bar tender here?” Animals-Insects



My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don’t think we’ll be together furlong. Animals-Insects



I can’t seem to find ‘Chameleon’ in the dictionary. Animals-Insects



“Rabbit goes into a bar every day, orders cheese toasties. One day orders ham toastie. Never came back. Died. Of miximatoasties” Animals-Insects



“Which drink do seals hate most? Canadian club on the rocks!” Animals-Insects



Pandas have two eyes, terrorists have two eyes. Coincidence? I think not. Animals-Insects



I ran over a squirrel today… with a lawnmower… it was really tough getting that lawnmower up in that tree. Animals-Insects



Today was weird; I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting….he`s my dog Animals-Insects



“What’s the best way to skin a cat? With really big Rizlas.” Animals-Insects



“My neighbor’s new dog wouldn’t stop barking. So I kicked him with my Hush Puppies.” Animals-Insects



“Man sells his award winning Doberman pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied. It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don’t need it anymore.” Animals-Insects



“First man: Do you have any hobbies? Second man: I collect badgers. First man: Do you have many? Second man: One more and I’ll have the whole set.” Animals-Insects



“Three ninjas are comparing their ability and boasting who is the best the first says “Watch this” and does a chop in the air and a bee falls to the ground – chopped in half. The second says “That’s nothing, watch this” Does a chop in the air and a fly falls to the ground – chopped in half. The third also does a chop in the air towards a tiny gnat which then just flies off. The first two laugh and say that he didn’t chop it in half. “I know” the third ninja replies “…but he’ll never have Children”” Animals-Insects



“A lion goes into a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asks, ‘How would you like it?’ The lion replies, ‘RAW!’” Animals-Insects



OK so if I adopt a jaguar for 3 a month and adopt an African child for 2 a month, can I put them both in the same room to see which the better investment is? Animals-Insects



“My pet beaver just died Dam…” Animals-Insects



“My wife has accused me of being addicted to petty theft. I currently have fifteen dogs, thirteen cats and seven lizards.” Animals-Insects



“I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles. Honestly, I’ve got the memory of a goldfish.” Animals-Insects



It’s never good when my cat thinks outside the box. Animals-Insects



“What is the worst thing that can happen to a sleeping bag? The runs.” Animals-Insects



I can’t help but wonder: What’s so great about a bee’s knee? Animals-Insects



Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool optimums? Animals-Insects



“I just started doing cage fighting but I’m going to give up. My parrot is too quick for me and keeps biting!” Animals-Insects



“A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says “alright mate, pint please.” The barman says “WOW! That’s amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend.” The dog replies “Why, does he need a plumber?”” Animals-Insects



BBC News: Anti-Semetic cats stage Military Coup in Germany. It’s the Furred Reich.” Animals-Insects



“News: Football fan arrested for attacking police horse in football violence. Fan is in custody, the horse is unharmed and in a stable condition.” Animals-Insects



So many kittens, so few recipes. Animals-Insects



“Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.” Animals-Insects



“It takes about fifteen mink to make a small ladies glove, that’s because they aren’t very good at sewing.” Animals-Insects



“On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says, “Boy, its mighty cold out here!” The other says, “Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey.”” Animals-Insects



“Save money on hair restorer. Instead simply paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head. From a distance they look like hares.” Animals-Insects



“So what separates us from the Animals? I think it’s the wardens at the zoo.” Animals-Insects



“Owls don’t make love in the rain. Apparently it’s too wet to woo…” Animals-Insects



“Unemployed? Make ends meet this Christmas by comparing muskrats” Animals-Insects



Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching. Animals-Insects



I don’t see why Pamela Anderson is a member of PETA, she’s been torturing her beaver for years. Animals-Insects



“My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover. He’s one step closer to presenting the National Lottery.” Animals-Insects



“What does a bird do without a break? Succeed.” Animals-Insects



“A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but he says “This spider is stronger than any of you!” One bloke says “Prove it!” “Right; my spider will pick up this bar stool.” He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is amazed, but then he says “Now the spider will pick up a table.” And the spider easily picks up the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says “That’s nothing – this tiny spider will lift up the whole bar!” With a great effort, it picks up the bar. “What else can it do?” one of the blokes asks. So the man says “For the grand finale – it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!” Everyone starts to get onto the bar until everyone in there is standing on it. The spider starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying “You bunch of wimps, scared of a little spider.”” Animals-Insects



“I bet if he could do that, he wouldn’t be telling me to stop.”… Thought the Dog. Animals-Insects



“Went on a Family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.

Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony.” Animals-Insects



“I was cooking dinner earlier, and I noticed on the packet “RSPCA Monitored.” I thought it’s obviously not 24 hours, because at some point it had its head ripped off, then was marinated in a lemon and black pepper sauce.” Animals-Insects



Animal catapults. Because nothing says ‘GET OFF MY LAND!’ like a 70mph cow. Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a sniper with Parkinson’s and a constipated owl? One can shoot but can’t hit.” Animals-Insects



“Thank God unicorns weren’t black … Otherwise they’d have been known as horses that just stabbed people.” Animals-Insects



“I used to make any woman scream with only 3 inches… But then my pet scorpion died.” Animals-Insects



“Get a rhino… put it on a diet… BOOM! Unicorn.” Animals-Insects



“A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an investment. In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date.” Animals-Insects



“My mate’s cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag. He’s coming to terms with it.” Animals-Insects



“My daughter recently got a chihuahua, and my wife said it would be nice if we bought her some things for the dog. Clearly we had very different ideas; she came home with a chewy toy, I came home with a rat trap.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just got home and there she is………. On the couch, naked, waiting to show me love. God I love my dog.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head.” Animals-Insects



“Did you know, if you had a room full of monkeys and typewriters, at some point… ..The RSPCA would come and tell you to stop this?” Animals-Insects



“I phoned up a couple about the reward for their lost cat today. But apparently they’re not offering anything for just the skin.” Animals-Insects



Why don’t they make cat flavored dog food Animals-Insects



When they say “9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people” all I hear is “somewhere out there, a bear knows how to use matches.” Animals-Insects



A woman seated at the cinema was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the film with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. “I just can’t get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie,” she said. “It surprises me too,” the man answered, “He absolutely despised the book.” Animals-Insects



“Subject: Worst joke ever a man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won’t be best pleased; He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage – because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says ‘What’s the food like here?’ The lions say: ‘Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.’” Animals-Insects



“What’s the biggest use of leather? To hold cows together” Animals-Insects



“My pet moth died in my arms I tried saying “Don’t go into the light”, but it wouldn’t listen” Animals-Insects



“I took my dog down the vet’s this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing uncontrollably cost I knew he wouldn’t be going home with me. I’ll probably be okay later when my wife picks him up.” Animals-Insects



“I went to watch that film ‘Zoo lander’ last night. I was very disappointed. I was expecting it to be like ‘Highlander’ except with Giraffes.” Animals-Insects



“The Daily Mail carries the headline: “Boy, 2, fighting for life after being mauled by two Staffordshire bull terriers”. I’m thinking he may have had more success fighting for his life before they had mauled him.” Animals-Insects



I’m afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is ‘Meow Meow’. Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend has a body like a snake; smooth, thin and usually covered in my slime. Plus she’s got no arms or legs.” Animals-Insects



“How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main? None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.” Animals-Insects



“Killed a slug with a knife today, where it found that knife I still don’t know.” Animals-Insects



“I love the new sport of fighting marsupials with each other. Mortal Wombat.” Animals-Insects



“I wanted to get a dog for my son. But the pet shop doesn’t do swaps.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? A Gummy Bear” Animals-Insects



“As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, “please say it’s been de-venomed!” “Of course it has!” He said. “How can you be sure?” I asked in a panic. “Because it’s just injected it all into your hand,” he replied.” Animals-Insects



“Step one: Buy a sheep. Step two: Name it “Relation”. Now you have a relation sheep.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the French chicken cross the road? To surrender to the other side.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a cat with no legs? Dog food.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine. I was delighted to receive a free pen.” Animals-Insects



“Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4’s ‘It’s me or the Dog’ next week or as I’m calling it, ‘Which Dog should I Keep?’” Animals-Insects



I’ve killed thousands of whales in my time but I don’t like to harpoon about it. Animals-Insects



“I was over the park the other day and I see a sign that said “No dog fouling”. So I made sure I timed my tackle to perfection.” Animals-Insects



“Zoo officials say that a female tiger has killed her mate at London zoo. It was a rare attack that came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle. Authorities say if the allegations are true, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars.” Animals-Insects



“I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today. I said, “you can have this slipper if you get out of my house.”” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross an African with a chimpanzee? Ten years imprisonment for contravening section 3 of the Human Fertilization and Embryology Act 1990.” Animals-Insects



“I spent three hours last night constructing a cricket bat, It’s the strangest creature I’ve ever seen…” Animals-Insects



Owls really are wise. I just asked one what 235 times 12 was and he said 2820. Animals-Insects



“What’s got 4 legs and goes “boo”? A cow with a cold.” Animals-Insects



“What is a Dog? 1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room. 3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4) They growl when they’re not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to play. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They are great at begging. 8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9) They leave their toys everywhere. 10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats” Animals-Insects



“I put a “Beware of the Dog” sign on my front gate recently. I don’t have a dog but looking at people walking up the path is a lot more entertaining now.” Animals-Insects



I thought beavers were meant to be good swimmers… Animals-Insects



“I put a wasp through the scanner at Tesco’s. Cost me 27p.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To show he has guts.” Animals-Insects



“I’m new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound business plan and excellent return on investment figures. I don’t wish to waste any money, so before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA’s or AAA’s? Thanks.” Animals-Insects



“I was looking through the Auto Trader at cars trying to decide what car we should get next. My wife said, “Why don’t we get an Estate for the dogs?” I said, “What for? They can’t drive.”” Animals-Insects



I took my kid down to the local park this morning, I was thrown out, apparently baby goats aren’t allowed to graze there Animals-Insects



“I read a headline in the newspaper today ‘Tiger savages trainer’ I thought to myself, Tiger Woods is getting out of hand now first the cheating and now this.” Animals-Insects



“I bought some dog biscuits yesterday. Labrador flavor.” Animals-Insects



People like the accent of Wales, i much prefer dolphins myself Animals-Insects



“I gave my crazy little reptile some Prozac the other nite. Now he’s a calmer Chameleon.” Animals-Insects



“Help, I think I’ve just drowned my Turtle . . Or Tortoise or whatever it is.” Animals-Insects



BBC News – Whale song spreads across ocean in other news – Adele goes on a cruise” Animals-Insects



“What do you call an Insect with an afro? A Frisbee” Animals-Insects



"What did the horse say to the one-legged jockey?? How are ya getting on??" Animals-Insects



What happens if you give Red Bull to a bird? Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a Mosquito and a Mosque ? One spreads fear among the local population and causes the senseless deaths of countless innocent people, and the other’s an insect.” Animals-Insects



“I got told that chameleons blend to look like their surroundings. Well I put mine in a blender and it looks nothing like the kitchen wall.” Animals-Insects



“Our pet cat loves getting strokes. The kids love his lop-sided face, too.” Animals-Insects



“I was watching “Finding Bigfoot” on Animal Planet. I’m guessing these guys aren’t getting paid per Bigfoot found.” Animals-Insects



“I lost the dog whilst out for a run with him this morning. ‘Why didn’t you take the lead?’ asked the wife when I came home. ‘I did’, I replied, ‘but he overtook me after 100 yards & disappeared into the distance…’” Animals-Insects



"Cats look down on us Dogs look up to us Pigs treat us as equal ------------------------- Winston Churchill" Animals-Insects



“I’ve realized my wife has a lot in common with turkeys. Too much skin around the neck and they both like to gobble.” Animals-Insects



Universal truth: You can’t respect a man who carries a dog. Animals-Insects



“So when a chameleon becomes really aggressive and angry it changes color to black? Surprise, surprise…” Animals-Insects



“I watched a DVD of Steve Irwin choking the animal that would eventually kill him. It was a Blu Ray” Animals-Insects



Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots. Animals-Insects



“A duck walks into a bar…. it was then collected and released in a nearby park.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a vet in his surgery with his hand up a sheep. “Lambing it?” I asked “No,” he said, knocking the floor, “its real wood.”” Animals-Insects



“Never milk a joke. Unless it’s a cow joke.” Animals-Insects



“I got one of those ‘Cash for Gold’ envelopes in the post this morning. So I posted it back to them this afternoon. Wonder what they’ll give me for my fish?” Animals-Insects



“I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You are obviously not listening.”” Animals-Insects



Has anyone else noticed the lack of stray dogs and abundance of kebab shops? Animals-Insects



“I got my results today… My wife has left me and I got custody of the dog… RESULT !” Animals-Insects



People that walk their dogs around Children’s parks are not fooling anyone. Animals-Insects



I punched a blind man on the nose earlier. That’ll teach his dog to look at my wife.




“What do you call an Albino Gorilla? Honkey Kong.” Animals-Insects



“If your horse goes too fast. You mustang on.” Animals-Insects



“The doctor said to the patient, “You owe your life to that dog. It pulled you to safety.” The patient asked, “Where is the dog now?” “Unfortunately there’s no sign of the dog – or your Arm.”” Animals-Insects



My pet turtle has been trying to break dance on its back for three weeks now. Animals-Insects



My cat hates Cyanide and I hate my cat. Animals-Insects



“I have a foolproof way to stop women ever denting my pride. I’ve banned them all from driving in my safari park.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just found out that my favorite fish has got cancer. The vet said it’s a malignant tuna.” Animals-Insects



My girlfriend lost her rabbit yesterday so she asked me to help look for it, she doesn’t have to fear I found a lucky rabbits foot on my drive yesterday. Animals-Insects



“I just received a letter from the RSPCA regarding my mistreatment of Animals. I would respond, but I can’t find my quill.” Animals-Insects



“Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now? They breed faster and you don’t get too attached to them!” Animals-Insects



“The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey center and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls. When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favorite. I said “The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage” I’m now single” Animals-Insects



“What is black, white and red? A penguin with a red hat on its head. The hat is at a jaunty angle and looks really cute.” Animals-Insects



Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects



Whole milk is good but I prefer milk that came from the udder Animals-Insects



“What do my wife and veterinary gloves have in common? They are both stuck up cows” Animals-Insects



“I was watching my dog scratching earlier. I didn’t want to stop him but he was ruining my records.” Animals-Insects



“My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids. Apparently another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started beating him with it.” Animals-Insects



“What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep!! Why do elephants have long trunks? Because sheep don’t have string!!” Animals-Insects



“What do Animal rights activists eat? PETA bread.” Animals-Insects



“It’s just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done. I suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse.” Animals-Insects



“I recently caught elephantiasis. It’s not good but at least my amnesia is cured” Animals-Insects



I’m going to encourage my cat to live a more active life by telling it that it died peacefully 8 times in its sleep Animals-Insects



“I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge. I think he’s eaten the magnets again.” Animals-Insects



Do Jellyfish have Jelly babies? Animals-Insects



“I’ve just got a Magicians dog, He’s an Abracalabrador” Animals-Insects



“I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor. I guess six months on an oil rig broke his heart!” Animals-Insects



“I cut an owls vocal chords the other day…. It didn’t give a hoot.” Animals-Insects



There are reports of an unidentified gang of out of control dogs causing trouble in Central London, authorities have no leads. Animals-Insects



“I got asked by some crustiest if I’d like to join their hunt saboteurs group and get one over the hooray Henrys on horseback. Naturally, being a caring kind of person and willing to help out people in their crusades, I accepted. The next day I got out there way before anyone else and shot the fox.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie talkie.” Animals-Insects



I’m bringing out a new range of pet foods with flavors they’ll really love. For cats there will be: Mouse, Canary, Frog and Goldfish and for dogs; Rabbit, Cat, Sheep with an extra special flavor for pit bulls and Rottweiler’s “Grandchild’s Face” Animals-Insects



I’m going to get a tattoo on my inner thigh of a squirrel worshipping my nuts. Animals-Insects



I hate lazy rattlesnakes because you never know where they are… Animals-Insects



“I went duck shooting today. I spotted a duck swimming along and quickly took my aim, and just as I was about to pull the trigger I looked behind it and noticed six cute little ducklings swimming behind her. Luckily I had seven bullets.” Animals-Insects



“My parents had strange views when it came to dogs they said we could get a puppy and if we didn’t like it we can just abandon it, my foster parents however…” Animals-Insects



“Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be avoided. From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog. He choked on a rolo.” Animals-Insects



“An undercover investigation at a dogs4us puppy farm has revealed some of the dogs are malnourished and scruffy. If the investigative team want to see some really scruffy growlers, might I recommend a night out in Skipton.” Animals-Insects



“Apparently, baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. Do worms have feet then?” Animals-Insects



“Did you know that giraffes can clean their own ears with their 21 inch tongue? Although Mrs. Giraffe had other plans for tonight” Animals-Insects



“Went to the zoo the other day some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going berserk it was sheer pandemonium.” Animals-Insects



The worst bit about buying a zebra is the check out. Animals-Insects



“I see two Pheasants racing to get the last few seeds from the bird feed when one fell over. The other pheasant stopped and waited till the first got back on its feet. I thought to myself “fair game”.” Animals-Insects



“A bull has been arrested for going berserk in a China shop. He’s denied all charges.” Animals-Insects



If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Animals-Insects



“Pigeon: “Do you think I should say ‘coo, coo, coo?”Sparrow: “It’s your call.”” Animals-Insects



Scared of spiders? Do what I do.. Imagine them all naked Animals-Insects



“I redecorated my birds’ bathroom last night. I put a copy of The Daily Telegraph at the bottom of her cage.” Animals-Insects



“I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham? Haven’t they got anything better to do?” Animals-Insects



“What are we going to get our kids now the go hamsters are said to have cancerous toxins in them? If only there was something hamster like that moved about, we could even put it in a ball to run around the front room and at night it could sleep in a cage. If only…” Animals-Insects



In a fight between me and a hedgehog I think it would be close, but he’d win on points. Animals-Insects



“What do ya get when you cross a road with a chicken? Questioned” Animals-Insects



If I get my cat chipped, does that mean it can eat dog food? Animals-Insects



Turned on my Satnav and it said ‘Bear Left’ and there was the zoo. How good is that? Animals-Insects



“Say ‘No!’ to Animals in Circuses. And, if that doesn’t work, beat them and smack them with your whip so they’ll know who’s boss!” Animals-Insects



“I’ve forgotten the name of my homing pigeon. But I’m sure it will come back to Me.” Animals-Insects



“Just been to a seminar discussing mythical Welsh creatures. It didn’t half drag on.” Animals-Insects



“Sky Sports News, ‘Cats close on Korean’… Haha, revenge!” Animals-Insects



Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to ring the owner of a missing animal to let them know i can’t find it. Animals-Insects



“Grab your goat, we’ve pulled.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you put a zebra in a washing machine? A donkey.” Animals-Insects



“Researchers said today …..’Chimpanzees deal with death like humans’ what a load of twaddle…….. I’ve never seen a chimpanzee post a dead human joke on Sickipedia yet!” Animals-Insects



PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples. Animals-Insects



Is it more offensive telling my black friend that she smells like my dog, or telling my dog she smells like a black person? Animals-Insects



BBC News: ‘New Mini-Species of Tiger discovered!’ So just a cat, then?” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a sick crocodile? An alligator.” Animals-Insects



““Dad where’s the cat?” “Eat your soup darling”” Animals-Insects



“Just bought a new pair of boxer shorts. I spoil that dog something rotten.” Animals-Insects



I have a great idea for next year’s New Year celebrations. I’m going to put 20 dogs in one of the London eye’s pods and watch the fireworks go off. Animals-Insects



“What does a toothless budgie do? Succeeds” Animals-Insects



“Either-or,” said the confused donkey. Animals-Insects



“I won a rabbit at the fair once, but it drowned in the bag before I got it home.” Animals-Insects



“Thought I saw Batman’s shadow in our house earlier.. Turns out our German Sheppard was sat at the top of the stairs” Animals-Insects



“Life insurance for cats Offer. Buy 2, get 7 free.” Animals-Insects



“Zebras are serious Animals. They’re very black and white about things.” Animals-Insects



“Give a man a fish, and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well-being.” Animals-Insects



“A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.” In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: “Oh Lord,” he prayed, “I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy”” Animals-Insects



Sorry Polar Bears, survival of the fittest and all that. Animals-Insects



I was in the bath the other day and I thought, are ducks even yellow? Animals-Insects



“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.” Animals-Insects



“I thought I’d found a 9-legged spider today. Turned out to be an ordinary spider with an erection.” Animals-Insects



“So in 50 year we won’t be able to see penguins unless it’s on television due to climate change. The more things change, the more they stay the same then.” Animals-Insects



Saying that my cat died of natural causes is just a nice way of saying he got stuck in a tree and froze to death. Animals-Insects



"- Why do tigers live on their own whereas lions live in prides? - Because Lions aren't ginger." Animals-Insects



“I was at the beach when I saw a bloke with a donkey and a sign reading “Rides from 2.50” So I paid my money and jumped on. We got about halfway down the promenade and I was loving it. I didn’t want it to end but he said he had to get back to his donkey.” Animals-Insects



Just before Christmas last year my gran was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, it was terrible news to get just before the festive season, but on the plus side I’ve got her the same present this year. Animals-Insects



“I had a dog: half-pit bull, half-poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.” Animals-Insects



“There are two cows in a field. Which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.” Animals-Insects



““It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” Try telling that to the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had its throat ripped out by a Rottweiler.” Animals-Insects



“My Father said that he is so fed up of all my pets, the next one I get he is going to drown.

I’m seriously considering getting a shark.” Animals-Insects



BEWARE…. Clothing for bee’s” Animals-Insects



“Dear Moths, Okay so you live for about a week. Why don’t you go see the London eye or see how far you can get round the world? Please stop hanging around in my bedroom and also feeling the necessity to nose dive at my phone as I type this… Thanks” Animals-Insects



“It is advised that if confronted by a bear you should drop to the ground, stay silent, act submissively and wait until its lost interest in you before you move. Respect to the blatant rapist, who clearly wanders forests dressed in a bear suit, for releasing this ‘Advice’ to the world.” Animals-Insects



“If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him. Blocks the paws.” Animals-Insects



“I saw two cats fighting on my way to work this morning. My van broke it up.” Animals-Insects



“Did you hear about the panda who lost his food? He was bamboozled…” Animals-Insects



“My six-year-old got savaged by two greyhounds last night. You can’t really blame the dogs – he has a hare lip.” Animals-Insects



When playing paper, rock, scissors against a dog, always go with scissors. Animals-Insects



“Two dogs are having a walk through the park. One turns to the other and says… “Do you use a rubber when you make love?” To which the other replies: “Yeah you Rex?”” Animals-Insects



“People often ask me why I find wild pigs uninteresting. To be honest they just boar Me.” Animals-Insects



“What’s yellow and tastes of bananas? Monkey sick.” Animals-Insects



A man walks into a pub with his dog and bets the barman 500 that the dog can talk. The barman takes him up on the offer thinking the man was mad. So he says to his dog “What is on the top of a house?” and the dog says “ROOF!” then the man says “what’s my wife’s name?” then the dog says “RUTH! Then the man asks “what is the most important person on a football pitch?” and the dog says “REF!” Needless to say the barman throws them both out and as they’re laying on the pavement the dog looks at the owner and says “Defender?” Animals-Insects



“I saw a seahorse for the first time in my life today. Somebody flooded the stables.” Animals-Insects



“I pushed a farmers pig off the road away from an oncoming car today. Really saved his bacon.” Animals-Insects



“Just bought a new pet stone. It rocks!!!” Animals-Insects



“I recently bought an elephant, so I could scare my wife with it when she gets home.

I’ve got the elephant of surprise.” Animals-Insects



“I can’t help but feel sorry for those dying souls floating around in that putrid horrible infected water! Poor rats!!” Animals-Insects



“What do you call the red mushy stuff under a elephants feet? Slow natives.” Animals-Insects



“An Elephant came up to me and started speaking nonsense I said “I can’t listen to this mumbo, jumbo”” Animals-Insects



If seal is broken… Please inform the zoo keeper. Animals-Insects



“So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway… Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork and chicken.” Animals-Insects



Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spider web you suddenly turn into a ninja? Animals-Insects



“You can’t out run, out climb or out swim a bear. So always go into the woods with someone you can out run, out climb and out swim.” Animals-Insects



“Meant to shake my Etch-A-Sketch, but accidentally grabbed the ant farm. Ants are now busy planning a disaster relief telethon.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a whale with no legs? A whale” Animals-Insects



A goldfish swims into a bar. The barman says, “Why the long faces?” Animals-Insects



“My neighbor’s chocolate labrador really confused me. It tasted of chicken.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve been trying to breed male rabbits for racing. I’ll do anything to make a fast buck.” Animals-Insects



“What’s the best thing about having a black man in the Whitehouse? One less mugger on the streets…” Animals-Insects



“I was talking to a Barn Owl last night when I happened to mention that I had just got engaged. “You twit. To Who? He said” Animals-Insects



“I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day. I think it was the trail of breadcrumbs that did it.” Animals-Insects



“What do Elephants have for their dinner? An hour, just like the rest of the Animals.” Animals-Insects



“What’s big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise.” Animals-Insects



“A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. “Every time I look at my wife,” he worriedly told the optometrist, “I see spots before my eyes.” “So what’s to worry about?” replied the doctor. “You’re a leopard, aren’t you?” “What’s that got to do with anything?” replied the patient. “My wife is a zebra.”” Animals-Insects



“I’m very grateful to my elderly neighbor for taking my dog out for a run every day. I’m surprised she’s never noticed me tie the lead onto the back of her mobility scooter.” Animals-Insects



“How do you sneak a gorilla out of the zoo? Dress it up in a gorilla costume.” Animals-Insects



“Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Personally, I’m going with the egg; in my experience, most birds take forever to come” Animals-Insects



"*For Sale* fully grown male African Lion. Slightly smelly, very sharp teeth and claws. Usually good with kids. Reluctant sale... due to multiple Family bereavement." Animals-Insects



“My wife said to me “I think the cat wants to go out.” “How could you possibly know that?” I sneered “Hes put his hat and coat on”” Animals-Insects



If your girlfriend’s cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing “The Circle of Life” into her ear WON’T cheer her up. Animals-Insects



FREE TO GOOD HOME: I recently bought a beautiful kitten, but it turns out my 1 year old daughter is allergic to her. Obviously I can no longer keep her, hence the reason I’m getting rid of her. She has lovely black hair and is very playful and friendly, great with people. She is completely house trained and up to date on all papers and shots. All in all the she’s great, it’s sad that she has to go but, I’m sure she will make others happy and she’s just starting to walk and say her first words.” Animals-Insects



“I like to give pigs red bull. Just to make a lot more things seem true.” Animals-Insects



“My wife bugged me to wash the cat the other day until I finally gave in. But after I’d done it I couldn’t understand why she was so livid. I thought that she’d be made up that I’d finally figured out how to use the washing machine.” Animals-Insects



“Two Owls playing pool…. First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball.. Being an honest owl he say’s to his mate “Two hits” The second owl replies “Two hits To Who?”” Animals-Insects



"Metro Headline this week: “MONKEYS COULD BE TRAINED TO SIT TODAYS A LEVELS” Ok, this might be new to me - but how many monkeys are there in the world who can read and write, discounting the Jackson Family? More to the point, even if said monkeys *could* read and write, I'd love to see one try and interpret Shakespeare. So no, Metro, A monkey couldn't." Animals-Insects



“My mate told me I shouldn’t talk to my dog like he’s a person, or “he might get the wrong idea”. So I told him that if he’s capable of having these kind of ideas then he deserves to be spoken to like a person, thus creating a paradox.” Animals-Insects



“‘Save the Polar Bears’ Why? If we were in their position, what would they do. Eat us.” Animals-Insects



I couldn’t afford the Vet’s bill to neuter the dog, so I just tied a wire brush to my trouser leg. Animals-Insects



“Just got to go feed the cat …To something that eats cats.” Animals-Insects



“I was on a safari in Africa last week and the tour guide was naming different animal groups. “That’s a pride of lions” He said A tower of giraffes A flight of birds Then he said herd of elephants… So I said yes” Animals-Insects



A dog isn’t just for Christmas… Get one for your birthday too! Animals-Insects



“What is a Muslim monkey A Qur’an-utan” Animals-Insects



“As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces. Silly really, because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals.” Animals-Insects



“Knock knock Who’s there? Kanger Kanger who? Boing boing boing” Animals-Insects



“Crouching tiger, hidden dragon. The day out at the zoo wasn’t a success.” Animals-Insects



“Definition of the use for a Wok. What you two at a Rabbit when you don’t have a Wifle.” Animals-Insects



Animals may be our friends but they won’t pick you up at the airport. Animals-Insects



“Picked up this hot chick yesterday, She was fresh out of the incubator.” Animals-Insects



“My Wife said “Why’s our new dog ripping that piece of headwear apart?” I replied “I think it’s just a bad hat he chewed”” Animals-Insects



I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees. Animals-Insects



“My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God. As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggie style BEFORE the missionary position.” Animals-Insects



“They say cats always land on their feet Not if they’re dead…” Animals-Insects



“I have 2 cats, but only one eats Whiskers. The other has a bald face.” Animals-Insects



“I remember the first time my father taught me about the birds and the bees. In fact, he still doesn’t shut up about them! It’s a nightmare being the only son of Bill Oddie.” Animals-Insects



“I was sitting in the park today watching the birds. A crow landed, followed soon by another. They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off again. Next thing I know, I’m in court as a witness to an attempted murder.” Animals-Insects



BBC News: “What dogs and cats can teach humans about life….” That we must have a serious lack of teachers?” Animals-Insects



“I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out. I couldn’t stand all the bills.” Animals-Insects



“I was talking to a wildlife expert earlier. I said, “how do you tell the Difference between a male and a female hedgehog?” He said, “easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a pained look on their face.”” Animals-Insects



Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work. Animals-Insects



“I went fishing today, I caught all kinds of fish. Until they threw me out the aquarium.” Animals-Insects



“I was hiking in the mountains today, when I see a guy sprinkling pink powder all around his garden. I asked him ‘What is that for?’ He then replied ‘its anti-bear powder, it keeps them away from my house.’ ‘But you live in England, there are no bears for thousands of miles!’ He replied ‘ I know, works a treat doesn’t it?’” Animals-Insects



“What do you get if your baby cat falls into your deep fat fryer? Unlucky fried kitten” Animals-Insects



Bought an Ant farm, don’t know where I’m going to get tractors that small. Animals-Insects



“Don’t be resist, be like a panda: Black, Asian and White …so you can pick cotton, put together an iPod and rule the world.” Animals-Insects



What drugs do ducks sell? Quack Cocaine. Animals-Insects



“Why did the fish cross the road? He saw the pelican crossing.” Animals-Insects



"I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree. When I got it home, I wasn't sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same, they were not sure. So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie." Animals-Insects



“There’s a big hoohaa about cloned cows getting into the food chain. To be honest, being able to tell one steak from another is not high on my list of priorities.” Animals-Insects



Life is like watching a dog lick himself…full of impossible Dreams Animals-Insects



“What’s worse than finding a spider in your bedroom? Losing a spider in your bedroom.” Animals-Insects



“I and the Family had the most traumatic experience walking on the beach. We got attacked by dark-blue sea-lions with automatic weapons. My guess is that they must have been Navy Seals.” Animals-Insects



“Three Animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker” Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Banned from the local nature reserve.” Animals-Insects



“Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken” Animals-Insects



“I don’t know why everyone tarnishes Oriental folk with the same brush. My neighbors are Chinese and when they came for dinner they were mortified that I cooked them a cat. Maybe because it was theirs.” Animals-Insects



The Higgs Bison, smallest known buffalo known to man. Animals-Insects



“What has 6 legs and an arm? Me fisting a horse.” Animals-Insects



“I use to have terrible trouble with Mole’s digging holes in my back garden, but I solved that now, I hid the shovels!!” Animals-Insects



As a kid, I always wanted to be a web designer… or, as we called them then, a spider. Animals-Insects



“How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb? None, PETA will never change anything.” Animals-Insects



“I can shoot deer with either arm. I’m ambidextrous.” Animals-Insects



“My wife was disgusted when i showed her my turtle head. In my defense I couldn’t afford a whole one.” Animals-Insects



“I used to enjoy playing Pokémon with my friends as a child, so last week I got the gang back together and we had a Pokémon battle. However, the man from the RSPCA didn’t see it that way and we were jailed for dog fighting.” Animals-Insects



“You have to admire Giraffe’s… No matter what, they always walk around with their heads held high.” Animals-Insects



“Grimsby’s zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world. I can’t see it myself.” Animals-Insects



“How do you interrogate a moth? Point a turned off torch in its face.” Animals-Insects



“I gave my wife crabs. They’ll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond.” Animals-Insects



I’ve realized today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats. Animals-Insects



“When I was in Primary School I was given the honour of taking the school Guinea Pig home. It took seven months and a nationwide search but I finally made it to Guinea.” Animals-Insects



“I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday. He’s ok now though, after a little retail therapy.” Animals-Insects



I drink to forget… which can take forever when you’re an elephant. Animals-Insects



“My wife just shoved her hand inside a Goat to get out the baby. Ewe” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a horse with 3 legs? Glue.” Animals-Insects



“Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter. It’s basically just an impatient dog whisperer.” Animals-Insects



“I’m a retired boxer and I’m thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I should go into acting because apparently I’m the only dog they know that can talk.” Animals-Insects



The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag. Animals-Insects



“Lucky, the world’s oldest sheep, has died age 23. Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton wool for so long.” Animals-Insects



“Golden Retriever Saves 11-Year-Old Boy From Cougar.” Good for the dog! These women really need to find men their own age.” Animals-Insects



“Phew! Just spent half an hour haggling with the vet over how much to have the dog put down, and when I went back out to the car it was dead.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep its nuts dry” Animals-Insects



“I phoned up the vet and said, “I am rather concerned about my pet, Millie. Every time the postman comes to my house, she barks.” The vet said, “Don’t worry about it, it is very normal for dogs to bark at postmen.” I said, “I know that, but Millie is my cat.”” Animals-Insects



“How do you know if a police horse is lame? Its hooves go Good Clop, Bad Clop.” Animals-Insects



“Years ago I bought, as he described it, ‘the World’s biggest horse’ from Jeremy Beadle. Although I’m not sure his measurement of 45 hands was entirely accurate.” Animals-Insects



“I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day I haven’t seen it since” Animals-Insects



“My wife’s Chihuahua took a nasty dump on the carpet and I stepped on it. Now I got to get a new one before she gets home.” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, a fly can’t bird.” Animals-Insects



I’ve just thought, chicken legs are a chickens legs and chicken wings are a chickens wings, i am never eating chicken nuggets again!! Animals-Insects



“A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo. Police are monitoring the situation” Animals-Insects



“I’m black and I live in a purely white area, but this isn’t a problem, in fact the community is very close and in hard times we all come together to see it through. I’m a penguin, and I’m against racism.” Animals-Insects



“A bear walks into a bar and goes, “I’ll have…………….. a beer, please.” The barman says, “Sure, but why the big pause?” The bear replies: “I’ve got Alzheimer’s.”” Animals-Insects



Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it Animals-Insects



“Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes? White and black.” Animals-Insects



“I think my puppy may have a sore throat, He’s a little husky.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a spider with no legs? A currant.” Animals-Insects



“Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker’s Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the bottom “If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)”. To be honest, if you need help to read that booklet, there isn’t a chance that you’re getting a job anyway.” Animals-Insects



Pet owners: Rats make ideal ‘large print’ mice for short-sighted cats Animals-Insects



“My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: “Be Good”. As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; “While the cats away, the mice can play.” I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely.” Animals-Insects



I can’t stand my 3 legged dog anymore. Animals-Insects



“Our dog is ‘in season’ apparently. Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I’ll never know.” Animals-Insects



“I was trying to learn dolphin the other day I was finding it really tough Then it just clicked” Animals-Insects



“Sky Sports: “McCArthy loving Wolves life” That’s all well and good, but shouldn’t he be focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?” Animals-Insects



“Chickens have such a heightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their first reaction is to run away. Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a fish with no eyes? Amblyopsidae, which are commonly referred to as cavefish, blindfish, or swamp fish. They are small freshwater fish found in the dark environments of swamps, caves, and some deep lakes. They are known for having no eyesight. I found one and named it fish.” Animals-Insects



“What’s worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth? Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth… I thought the worst thing was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?” Animals-Insects



“Give a dog a bone, and it’ll have fun for a week. Teach a dog to bone….” Animals-Insects



“A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. “I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no Children; so he’s going to live with us – just like one of the Family. He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.” “But what about the smell?” the friend asked. “Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.” Animals-Insects



“Apparently the World’s most famous octopus died today. I must be incredibly dim because I haven’t got a clue who the second most famous octopus is.” Animals-Insects



A clown was killed at work today . . . freak accident! Animals-Insects



“I had enough of my girlfriend and her sarcastic “bird” comments. She would say things like, “You eat like a bird, you’re a birdbrain, etc.”. As I walked out she said “Where are you going to go?” “Not sure, I’ll probably head south”.” Animals-Insects



“I went for a CAT scan earlier. I’m now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the library for the misuse of their photocopier. Animals-Insects



“I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey. “Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my naked body?” asked my wife. “That’s a bit kinky!” “Daft bint,” I thought, “I’m just going to use you as bait to try and get rid of that wasp’s nest.”” Animals-Insects



“I saw this baby sheep covered in plastic. Laminated.” Animals-Insects



For a cow, spilled milk is a serious medical condition and it’s perfectly normal to cry. Animals-Insects



“What does a perverted frog say? Rubbit.” Animals-Insects



“My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my groin. I have a Yorkshire terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back.” Animals-Insects



“I love feeding stray cats…. To my dog.” Animals-Insects



“I bought a German Shepherd the other day to protect my home from burglars… He isn’t very good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep.” Animals-Insects



Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not “sillier” and are, if anything, more motile due to sinusoidal undulations!!). Animals-Insects



“A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish………. imagine what he’d do for some chips!?” Animals-Insects



“My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf. Yes he does! Yes he does” Animals-Insects



“Fox mauls twins in bed. Where’s Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him……..Boom Boom.” Animals-Insects



“What’s black, white and red all over? Half a badger” Animals-Insects



“What’s the worst thing about going on safari? Knowing you wasted your money on an iMac.” Animals-Insects



“Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down so what do they do if they’ve got a cold?” Animals-Insects



“Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer? I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead…” Animals-Insects



It took me an hour to bury my cat, it wouldn’t stop moving. Animals-Insects



I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Animals-Insects



“I took my pet pig to the vet’s today. Turns out he has pulled a hamstring.” Animals-Insects



So many cats, not enough recipes Animals-Insects



When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a penguin. Animals-Insects



“I shaved a hedgehog today… It was pointless.” Animals-Insects



The only sound Animals should make is sizzle. Animals-Insects



“I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle. It’s Cap-sized.” Animals-Insects



“Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun. Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back.” Animals-Insects



“After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn’t the job. Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.” Animals-Insects



Are seals just dog mermaids? Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck.” Animals-Insects



“I always cry when I chop an onion. Unlike kittens.” Animals-Insects



“A German cat gave birth to 6 kittens. 5 of them were all healthy, but one was stillborn. The healthy kittens will have nine lives, while the stillborn kitten will have nine lives” Animals-Insects



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks. Animals-Insects



“I found a hornet in my car. I’m going kerb crawling tonight to test it out.” Animals-Insects



“I took my dog to the vets and said, “can you sort my dog out, it’s bitten my wife, she’s okay though, just a small scratch on her neck.” “Do you want me to destroy it, sir?” “No!!”, I said, “can you sharpen its teeth so it kills her next time!?”” Animals-Insects



Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn’t know dinosaurs had bath tubs. Animals-Insects



“I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and found section: FOUND – Somebody’s pet Budgie, it’s blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in zest it makes up for in its functionality as a bookmark.” Animals-Insects



“I was milking some cows today. I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.” Animals-Insects



“I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park. “Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?” I asked. “No, why would it be?” she replied. “Because normal people use bread, not breast milk.”” Animals-Insects



“One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: “ Silent Night, Holy Night…” The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…” The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”” Animals-Insects



“While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. “I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” the customer complained.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef” Animals-Insects



“I think it’s unacceptable to mix races. You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.” Animals-Insects



The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer “I’m sorry, it’s bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies “Bejaysus….I didn’t even know they had mobiles!” Animals-Insects



There’s no such thing as an ‘ok’ crocodile wrestler Animals-Insects



The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said “hogwash”? Animals-Insects



Daniel Radcliffe has said to Wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then? Animals-Insects



“The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me. I’m in a fowl mood now!” Animals-Insects



"How do you find a Foxhole?? Lift its Tail Up..." Animals-Insects



“Water ship down. You’ve watched the film you’ve read the book now eat the stew” Animals-Insects



Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what you’re doing… Animals-Insects



“I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night. Must have been Freddy Cougar” Animals-Insects



“A unicorn and a Cyclops… Now that’s and accident waiting to happen.” Animals-Insects



“My wife’s ran off with a giraffe… I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue.” Animals-Insects



Wasn’t allowed to join the x men because they said i needed more than just my bear hands!!! Animals-Insects



What separates us from the Animals??…. Fences Animals-Insects



Really sad about my Dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now. Animals-Insects



Pedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog. Animals-Insects



“My wife just called me a dog. I feel like fetching a stick and beating…Hang on.” Animals-Insects



“Lionel Ritchie was recently given a lifetime ban from Sea World. He was caught dancing on the sea lions.” Animals-Insects



“Men are like dog whistles…… Blow and we’ll come.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve got something that turns on all women. My American pit bull terrier.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just ripped out a pig’s vocal chords with my bare hands. It appears to be disgruntled.” Animals-Insects



“Two police dogs die from overheating after being left in a car – Sentenced to be decided. They may want to look at a similar case of a black dog being locked in the boot of a car and surviving around Christmas time, that got that guy 8 yrs.” Animals-Insects



“I went to one of those violent bull fights in Spain, and I can honestly say I’ve never been so appalled in my life. My seat cost a fortune and was so far back I could barely see the cows get stabbed.” Animals-Insects



“I went swimming with dolphins last week. It was really moving. Made a direct hit with my harpoon really difficult.” Animals-Insects



“My doctor just told me I can’t get Cat AIDS… I wish I’d known that before…I could have saved a fortune on condoms” Animals-Insects



“A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been savaged by a pack of macaques not really a joke, just made me laugh” Animals-Insects



““Warning as Boa Constrictor Goes on the Loose” Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the anti-venom” Animals-Insects



“What do giraffes have that no other animal has? Baby giraffes.” Animals-Insects



Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be redeployed to clear the world’s mine fields? Animals-Insects



Wasps: They are just WannaBees. Animals-Insects



“What noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster!” Animals-Insects



I was in the jungle and got attacked by a snake. It bit me and I fell to the ground. Luckily there was a ladder around the next corner Animals-Insects



I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn’t worked, his nose still twitches. Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh” Animals-Insects



“I’m not being paranoid but there’s 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window. I’m sure they’re Inca hoots!” Animals-Insects



“My horse is pretty useless. It suffers from hay fever.” Animals-Insects



“Wow! I’ve just found out that my dog can talk, I said “what’s that tree made out of boy?” “Bark!” He yelped.” Animals-Insects



“I own one of the world’s smallest farms. All I’ve got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog and my wife. And they’re all in the same body.” Animals-Insects



“I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed my wife hates it though, she’s allergic to cats” Animals-Insects



“The other day, I felt like a chicken. So I crossed the road and went to KFC.” Animals-Insects



“True story. A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car. “Look over there”, said her dad, “the sheep are being sheared”. My reply of “Why, is there a dinner dance tonight?” only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me.” Animals-Insects



“My wife has just text me to say that she’s bought a Siamese Cat. I can’t wait to get home and see it. I’ve never seen a cat with 2 heads before.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a sleeping fish? A Kipper” Animals-Insects



“What’s the fastest animal in the world? A hamster if you throw it hard enough!” Animals-Insects



“When I said to my dog “play dead” I didn’t expect him to jump in front of the next lorry” Animals-Insects



“I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time. I think it was called ‘what women want’.” Animals-Insects



“An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop. The interviewer tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics. The Englishman sings “How much is that Doggy in the window”, the Scottiight. ….. Scooby doo be doo be doo..”” Animals-Insectsshman sings “You ain’t nothing’ but a hound dog” , and Paddy sings “Strangers in the n



“I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day. He’s much easier to pick up now.” Animals-Insects



“A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but, as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions. “I can bite off my own tail,” says the fox. “They won’t want a fox with no tail.” So the fox bites off his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription center and comes back with his rejection slip. “OK,” says the rabbit, “bite my ears off. They won’t want a rabbit with no ears.” So the fox bites off the rabbit’s ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription center and also comes back with a rejection slip. Then it’s the bear’s turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a stone, as the Animal Army certainly won’t want a bear with no teeth. So they knock out all the bear’s teeth, the bear goes to the conscription Centre and also comes back with a rejection slip, but looks a bit depressed. “See,” says the fox. “I told you they wouldn’t take a bear with no teeth.” “Yet,” says the bear, “but they rejected me because I’m too fat.”” Animals-Insects



“I love a good game of ‘Hungry Hippos’. But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo after 3 of them starved to death.” Animals-Insects



“Why do fish swim in salty water? Because pepper makes them sneeze” Animals-Insects



“Some moron started shouting at me to find out if I’d heard of elephants! I thought “of course I have”, shortly before I was trampled by a herd of elephants.” Animals-Insects



“Two snakes are in the middle of a forest. The first one says “Hey are we poisonous?” The second snake says “I don’t know, why?” “I just bit my tongue.”” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a nice smelling Insect. A Deodar Ant” Animals-Insects



“A chameleon walks into a bar … And never got served.” Animals-Insects



“I told my boyfriend we’re about to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. He said “What, you mean you’re pregnant?”. I said “No, I’ve just super glued the hamsters ‘tail to its wheel”.” Animals-Insects



“‘A Dogs just not for Christmas.’ Unfortunately doggie with my wife is.” Animals-Insects



Just reading a new book on big wild cats called Tiger Attack, by Claude Tobitz Animals-Insects



“What do you get if you cross a zebra with a paki? Run over by me in my lorry.” Animals-Insects



“My dogs been missing for a week and I’ve had to put some posters up. He’s blind, got 3 legs, deaf in 1 ear and has aids, answers to the name, lucky.” Animals-Insects



“I’m sure my mate’s part chameleon, but he’s denied it ‘til he’s blue in the face. If anything that convinced me even more.” Animals-Insects



“I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle. I couldn’t believe the price of them… 6.45 for 20 Mayfair!” Animals-Insects



“I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; “I love you Piddles, never forget that.” I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my Family as I plodded off into the kitchen.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo. Mind you, I don’t think he’s going to be happy when he’s old enough to realize I’m not his real Dad.” Animals-Insects



“Hold everything!” – training my pet octopus. Animals-Insects



“I was at a Family dinner and I turned to my wife and said “I think there’s an elephant in the room”. Apparently that’s not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law.” Animals-Insects



“If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal? Kind of like a pedophile working at a retirement home.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance. I say taught but actually I just put him on his back.” Animals-Insects



“What’s yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.” Animals-Insects



“What’s grey? A melted penguin.” Animals-Insects



“I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies. It’s a good thing that the parents didn’t cry wolf by mistake.” Animals-Insects



I got a new phone today. It’s got less battery life than a KFC chicken. Animals-Insects



“If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they’re Heather Mills. I give them one “Shoo!”. Then watch them hop it.” Animals-Insects



Do you think dogs think they have got beards? Animals-Insects



“What do Pirate Sheep say? Baargh!” Animals-Insects



“Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: ‘Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it’s just black.” As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green.” Animals-Insects



“The vet’s amputation ward went into lockdown yesterday. The entire wing was cut off.” Animals-Insects



My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her. Animals-Insects



“I was talking to a navy seal earlier. I couldn’t understand why it was that colour…” Animals-Insects



“My pet tarantula has a deformed back & real problems walking. I fear it might have spider bifida.” Animals-Insects



“An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked Animals Only Roasted” Animals-Insects



““Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cat” “How long have you felt like this?” “Since I was kitten”” Animals-Insects



“I think my goldfish is incontinent. His bowl floweth over.” Animals-Insects



The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he’s adopted. Animals-Insects



“Just found out my cow and goat have been dating. They are in a stable relationship.” Animals-Insects



"Road accidents involving moose have risen by 20% this year in Sweden. I'm not surprised, how you can control a car with a hoof?" Animals-Insects



“My brother has been off work on full pay for a month now after a cow knocked him off his stool. He’s been milking it for all it’s worth.” Animals-Insects



“I hate jokes. I’ve felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her own accord. And brought back a dog with no nose.” Animals-Insects



“Sky 3, weekdays, at 11am ‘Dogs with jobs’ Talk about kicking the unemployed when they’re down!” Animals-Insects



““I like your black and white skin, I like your great big udder, but most of all. I like the way you moo”!” Animals-Insects



“My pet centipede died this morning. I’m really sad, but he was on his last legs.” Animals-Insects



A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. Animals-Insects



“A termite lands on a fly. The fly says; “Are you a termite” The termite replies; “I might be”. “That’s the stupidest pun I’ve ever heard” “Give me a chance man, I just came up with it on the fly”” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just seen a midget driving a crane I hope the R.S.P.B don’t find out, he might get charged with avian cruelty!” Animals-Insects



“My new girlfriend was cooking with the meat I got her when she started going off on one, “I haven’t seen my cat for hours, and he never goes out.” She said frantically, running around kicking and screaming. I think she’s making a meal of it.” Animals-Insects



“My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout “Catch it”. Bruno leaps into the air and catches the ball. Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!” Animals-Insects



“Amy Winehouse is dead? No.. Wait.. It’s just a neglected horse.” Animals-Insects



“Definition of we know what you are up to Katie Price seen in deep conversation with Kate and Gerry McCann about her upcoming Family holiday to Portugal” Animals-Insects



“Daily Mirror: Shark Widow: My Agony With all due respect love, you weren’t the one who was chewed up and eaten alive by Jaws.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call an alligator who trades on the stock market? An investigator.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A Poultry Geist.” Animals-Insects



“What goes “clip”? A one legged horse.” Animals-Insects



I left school with 2 A levels. One in Biology and one in metalwork. Ever since then I’ve been looking for a cat that needed welding. Animals-Insects



“What comes in buckets? Elephants” Animals-Insects



“I can never understand these people that say a dog is ‘forever’ Even when it goes straight from the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max.” Animals-Insects



“I just heard about the trainer that survived an attack by a killer whale. You can say what you like about child labour, but they make shoes to last.” Animals-Insects



“My wife told me to have the house spotless before she got home. So I buried her dog Spot in the back garden.” Animals-Insects



“What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table? A lemming meringue.” Animals-Insects



“Never realized how bad the wasp problem is in Africa. Watching the Confederations cup it sounds like they are everywhere.” Animals-Insects



Wasps – The Pakis of the insect world! Animals-Insects



“I went down to the new local shop which lets you trade in your beautiful winged Insects in exchange for Caucasian males. It’s called pretty Fly for a white guy” Animals-Insects



Difference between man and Animals is that we don’t use our tongues to clean our genitals…….We have others do it for us. Animals-Insects



“Breaking News: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attacks Octopus Paul I bet Paul saw this coming.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he isn’t a chicken” Animals-Insects



I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me “Why are you staring at the carpet?” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between a weasel and a stoat? One’s easily recognized – the other’s totally different” Animals-Insects



“My pet lizard leaned back onto his hind legs earlier and told a really good joke. He’s a stand up chameleon.” Animals-Insects



“My friends planning on teaching all crabs a new unique way to walk now that would be a step forward.” Animals-Insects



“My dog has just bitten my disabled son. That’s it, once this one’s gone, no more kids for me!” Animals-Insects



Apparently the Black Rhino is more dangerous than the White Rhino. Well there’s a surprise! Animals-Insects



“I slept at the wheel last night… I don’t know how hamsters do it.” Animals-Insects



I’m trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted Animals-Insects



“The police really are racist; they’ve just arrested a Panda under suspicion of killing that 17 year old boy in Norway.” Animals-Insects



“I was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said “What a beautiful Labrador” I couldn’t see it myself” Animals-Insects



“What do you get when you mix a spider with a shoe? A shoe.” Animals-Insects



“I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs. They must’ve had fun sliding down its tail.” Animals-Insects



“Why couldn’t the Viper viper Nose?. Because the Adder adder Handkerchief.” Animals-Insects



“I have a Husky voice. I was raised by dogs in Alaska.” Animals-Insects



A true test of whether the octopus really is a psychic would be to give him a prediction that’s lower than 50/50 odds. Animals-Insects



“In the mind of the dog: The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.

In the mind of the cat: The humans offer me food love and shelter. I must be their gods.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a cow’s moustache? A moustache” Animals-Insects



“Sat on the table in the works canteen someone said, “What do you make of all these birds dropping from the sky?” “Rohypnol??” I volunteered. There was a deadly silence. … “Ahh! Not those type of birds then”.” Animals-Insects



“My six year old son has been begging me for months to buy him Angry Birds. He’ll be in for a treat when he comes home to find the ostriches I’ve caged up in his room.” Animals-Insects



“How do lions like their steaks? Roar” Animals-Insects



Head Lice: They’re living on the fringes of society. Animals-Insects



“Amy Winehouse’s boyfriend is in hiding since waking up next to her. He’s convinced the Mafia are after him.” Animals-Insects



‘Appearances Can Be Deceiving’ said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I’d cracked open a snail. Animals-Insects



“My wife wanted to name our new dog ‘On’. So I called it off.” Animals-Insects



“My neighbor came banging on my door earlier. “Ere!” he said. “Your cat has been peeing in my rhubarb.” “Not to worry mate, it’s only a bit of water.” “That’s not the point. I was having it with custard at the time.”” Animals-Insects



A bird in the hand may well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very difficult. Animals-Insects



People claim that cats hate water but I think my cat loves it, because I threw her in the swimming pool a week ago. I mean she must have loved it because she still hasn’t come out. Animals-Insects



“My turtle ran away last month. He’s barely past the driveway.” Animals-Insects



It’s so hot I just saw a bird pick up a worm with an oven glove!! Animals-Insects



“Whenever I say, “Women have the brain size of Squirrels”, they get really annoyed. Who knew Squirrels were so sensitive?” Animals-Insects



“I struck lucky in the casino last night.. Apparently that’s ‘animal cruelty’ according to Geoff from security” Animals-Insects



“If only Africa had more Mosquito nets. Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dyeing needlessly from AIDs” Animals-Insects



“I don’t like cats with two different colored eyes. They remind me of cats with same colored eyes, and I don’t like cats.” Animals-Insects



“I felt like having a sing today, but as soon as I got into it, my wife yelled at me to get the cat out of the blender. So I did. Then I started singing again.” Animals-Insects



Scrambled eggs does sound a lot more appetizing that crushed chicken’s periods. Animals-Insects



“A guy tried to sell me 5 legs of venison for 100. I told him it was too much do.” Animals-Insects



I’ll install a bird bath in my garden when the birds install a hot tub on my balcony. Animals-Insects



“I’ve got the memory of a goldfish. Its name was Bubbles and he was my first pet.” Animals-Insects



“How did the Zebra get his stripes? He rescued four men while under mortar fire.” Animals-Insects



“I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming. She hates earwigs.” Animals-Insects



“Why do birds fly in circles over Bradford? The poor things have use one wing to hold their noses.” Animals-Insects



“I make my own fun. Like today, I’m sitting on the sofa, my dog’s licking himself, and I’m touching myself. We catch each other’s eyes, we both start laughing!” Animals-Insects



“As the bad guy ran away, I took out my Colt, levelled it, took careful aim and squeezed. ‘Neigh!’” Animals-Insects



Stroke my coat. You’ve pulled a cat. Animals-Insects



“I knew I shouldn’t have adopted those two pandas, they’re eating me out of house and home! I also shouldn’t have built my house out of bamboo.” Animals-Insects



“As if my job as a zookeeper wasn’t stressful enough, now the Emperor Penguins are trying to turn me to the dark side!” Animals-Insects



Just took a video of an angry lion… was some roar footage Animals-Insects



“I was washing the car this morning when my wife shouted, “Mind the cat, he doesn’t like water.” He likes pressure washers even less now.” Animals-Insects



My dog loves me, but I’m pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he’d chew my face off the minute he got hungry. Animals-Insects



““My dog took first prize at the bird show!” “How?!” “He ate the prize canary…”” Animals-Insects



"Really happened: My daughter wanted a nameplate for her rabbit's hutch. The woman in the shop asked, “What's your little rabbit's name?” My daughter said, “I haven't a clue, but I call him Philip!” --------------------- Worth a thought isn't it?" Animals-Insects



“I’ve just been fired from my job feeding the fish at SeaWorld….. Apparently I wasn’t serving a Porpoise??” Animals-Insects



“I’d never written a joke about a Pig before. But now I’ve penned one.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just seen this headline: ‘Man Kills Hamster in Microwave’. Bing.” Animals-Insects



I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the feathery musicians I requested? Animals-Insects



How do Llamas wake up in the morning? with an allama clock Animals-Insects



“The BBC is bringing out a new series of One Man and His Dog but it’s only going to be for the Welsh viewers… It’s called “One Man and His Pimp.”” Animals-Insects



“I went coursing with my dog, Alopecia, today. She came back after 3 hours. Still no hare.” Animals-Insects



“What’s about 7 inches long a little bit furry usually only comes out at night and likes my girlfriend? My new hamster” Animals-Insects



“I got into a fight in the vets waiting room today when my badger bit someone. I got a cut above my eye and a fat lip, but you should see the otter guy.” Animals-Insects



"Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, “Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”" Animals-Insects



“My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers! He’s a frog.” Animals-Insects



I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think “oh my god that looks like a…?” Animals-Insects



“My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man. To be fair, he did start with 9 lives.” Animals-Insects



“I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day. And a life-time ban from Sea Life.” Animals-Insects



“Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Afield? It was only on for three minutes and went past more people than StewArt Downing has all season.” Animals-Insects



“In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist. It was the stuff of knight mares” Animals-Insects



“My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterday’s newspaper.” Animals-Insects



“My mate’s made a ‘Dog Grooming video Guide’. It looks pretty good, he’s just shown me a clip.” Animals-Insects



“My dog can talk. Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing.” Animals-Insects



My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life? Animals-Insects



“I planted some explosives in a male cow today. It was Abominabull.” Animals-Insects



“My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday. It has been yapping for a week and keeping me up at night. so I kicked it across the room…..That hit the spot.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the squirrel scream? Because somebody pinched his nuts” Animals-Insects



"BBC News- Body parts found in shark. What else do they think a shark is made from?" Animals-Insects



“What do you call a monkey that flies? A hot air baboon.” Animals-Insects



“I’m a hunt saboteur… I like to walk round the countryside shooting foxes.” Animals-Insects



“My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in the dark Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage disposal all the more crushing” Animals-Insects



“I went to see Deaf Leopard today. “Shout all you want, it won’t hear you!” Said the angry zoo keeper.” Animals-Insects



Earwigs: For people who can’t grow their own ear hair. Animals-Insects



“My granddad once killed a lion with one hand. It had paws on its other legs though.” Animals-Insects



“News: Cat killed by sniper. I guess putting them in bins got boring” Animals-Insects



BBC News: Bear Kills ‘UK Tourist in Norway’ Does anyone else think these Norwegians are getting a bit desperate for attention?” Animals-Insects



“My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet, It’s funny, I thought 8 flushes would have shifted a rabbit…” Animals-Insects



“I saw a dead fox lying at the side of the road earlier. It was disgusting. Probably should’ve cooked it first…” Animals-Insects



“Bulls: They’re like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out.” Animals-Insects



“Me and my wife were like 2 wild Animals last night. She went for food while I ate the Children.” Animals-Insects



Chameleons: What are they hiding? Animals-Insects



“I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs. How was I to know that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention.” Animals-Insects



“My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden. One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away. I think it was a little coy.” Animals-Insects



“What bird gets out of breath easily? A puffin!” Animals-Insects



You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way. Animals-Insects



“The “Black Mamba”, One of Africa’s most dangerous and feared snakes. Surprise, Surprise” Animals-Insects



“I went down on my missus last night and I’ve had a hair stuck in my teeth all day. I finally got it out during the lunch break at work and we’ve decided to keep it as the office pet.” Animals-Insects



“What animal is best at brading female pubic hair? Platypus.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A Pubic Hair” Animals-Insects



“There are two things you should always carry. 1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of snakebite. 2) A snake.” Animals-Insects



“There was a man walking in the desert. He didn’t know where he was, and all around him was just sand, and he couldn’t see anything else apart from the sun and the sand dunes. Puzzled, the man started walking. He walked for a mile and saw a single Cricket Ball lying on the ground. A smile was on the man’s face as he said, “Great! If there’s a Cricket Ball here then I must be Close to somewhere! You don’t just find a random Cricket Ball in the desert!” The man was really happy so he walked another mile and found another Cricket Ball. “Wow,” he said, “I must be on the right track! I’m getting closer…” The man walked for another mile and looked on the ground to find a castrated cricket.” Animals-Insects



“Why do foxes have fur coats? Because they’d look stupid in anoraks.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It’s going great… All our customers are squeaky clean” Animals-Insects



My mate says that he’s a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he’s just splitting hares. Animals-Insects



If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last few nights, be virtually impossible to track them down. Animals-Insects



“I’ve got a border collie. He only comes home in the school holidays.” Animals-Insects



A dog isn’t just for Christmas, put a nice pair of rabbit ears on its head and it can also make a great novelty pet for Easter too. Animals-Insects



“I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings. I think it was a Parakeetamol.” Animals-Insects


  1. “Horse racing is one of the most immoral sports around and should be banned immediately. I mean strapping midgets to horses is just inhumane.” Animals-Insects



“Two worms stood in a cue. One says “Can you smell wood?”” Animals-Insects



“As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my Animals. They really get my goat.” Animals-Insects



“I make my dog work for his treats. R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for you.” Animals-Insects



“My son recently saw a beautiful dog, Jack, for sale, and asked if we would be able to buy it. I said that we don’t have enough room for in the house for him. Oh well, maybe his new foster parents will buy him a dog, who knows?” Animals-Insects



“I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors, scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off. I was furious. The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried to charge me extra for the damage.” Animals-Insects



“I went to the pet shop to buy a Chinchilla. Terrible idea, if anything it’s made my face even warmer.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a Horse with Three Legs? A Reliant Dobbin.” Animals-Insects



“My granddad used to keep a pet goldfish in his head. He loved that fish, you could see it in his eyes.” Animals-Insects



“What do you get from a nervous cow? Milkshakes.” Animals-Insects



when confronted by a lion, bear or tiger in the wild always stroke them in the direction their fur lies, never stroke against the nap as they don’t like that Animals-Insects



I got thrown out of the local zoo last week for repeatedly beating their endangered Panda cubs with a metal chair. They said I misinterpreted the sign next to the enclosure saying, ‘support the WWF’… apparently it’s the WWE now. Animals-Insects



“What do you call the leader of the worms? Master Bait” Animals-Insects



“I remember years ago, waking up really early on Christmas day, running down stairs, ripping open one of my presents… But unfortunately it was a puppy.” Animals-Insects



“I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists. An animal rights activist approached and said, “What’s going on?” I said, “Fur queue.” He said, “There’s no need to be rude.”” Animals-Insects



“Where do you find a rabbit hole? Under its tail.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve finally figured out a way to get my dog to do as I tell him… I tell him to do what he wants.” Animals-Insects



Dogs smell, drool, constantly want fed and always have the urge to hump things…… No wonder they’re man’s best friend. Animals-Insects



My pet mouse only responds when I refer to him as a mouse. I don’t tell anyone his real name as he would prefer to remain a non-e mouse Animals-Insects



“I had a go on one of those stalls where you shoot a duck over and you get a prize. I noticed if you aim the gun at the guy running the stall, you get ALL the prizes.” Animals-Insects



“When I was younger my mum came home to find my hamster was dead. Not wanting me to get upset she ran down to the pet shop and got a new one that was very similar, hoping that I wouldn’t notice… But I did, and I killed that one too…” Animals-Insects



“I love my new job as an animal trainer. I’m currently teaching young crows. They’re battling with the alphabet though. They can’t grasp the concept of going from A to B.” Animals-Insects



“I had a look at a rambling guide yesterday. I was quite surprised by it really, I didn’t realize you could get jewelry for sheep.” Animals-Insects



“My Grandad was killed by a load of baby eels Elver way to go” Animals-Insects



“Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? To look for a tight seal.” Animals-Insects



“So Police are set to reopen the Amy Winehouse investigation into her death? Can’t they just let sleeping dogs lie” Animals-Insects



“What kind of Sandals do Frogs wear? Open Toad.” Animals-Insects



“Just dished up some food for the dog. Some lettuce and tomato with his usual tinned dog food. I like to call it a Ceaser salad.” Animals-Insects



“I was fingering these two blonde chicks but I had to stop… they started pecking me.” Animals-Insects



“My bird has started to smell really bad lately. I had to buy him some dove deodorant.” Animals-Insects



““That zebra you sold me is fake!” Shouted the owner of the zoo. “Well spotted.” I admitted.” Animals-Insects



A two-year-old American boy has been killed by pitbulls after opening his garage door for them. Understandably, the world is shocked, and asking itself the same question: how on earth did a two-year-old open a garage door? Animals-Insects



“I took the liberty of milking my mates’ cow the other day. She took a while to start but made about a cupful of milk. I tasted some and it tasted good and fresh. After I finished the cup my mate woke up and I told him how nice his cow’s milk was. That’s when he told me he had a bull.” Animals-Insects



“A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer. I’m gutted, and now so is he. It was either that or Nemotheropy and I didn’t want to see him suffer.” Animals-Insects



“What’s extremely dangerous and swings through the trees? A monkey with a shotgun” Animals-Insects



In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Animals-Insects



“I’ve just seen an advert for ‘Dog trainers’ in the paper… i can’t get mine to wear a collar, let alone sportswear.” Animals-Insects



There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can’t even swing a dead cat without hitting one. Animals-Insects



"We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws cat food! Results show that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!" Animals-Insects



“UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels. Funny that…” Animals-Insects



“Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens? It was hen night.” Animals-Insects



If you’re ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it’s all about the detail. Animals-Insects



“I spotted a golden retriever this morning… I’ve always preferred Dalmatians.” Animals-Insects



“My pet wasp died today. If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the cake shop window from 9am tomorrow.” Animals-Insects



“Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first. Pets at Home. Where pets come first” Animals-Insects



“Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room. Just in case bugs need to use them as swords when they’re at war.” Animals-Insects



“I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves. I should probably get bird cages for my pet shop.” Animals-Insects



Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don’t want to kill two birds with one stone. Animals-Insects



“What do you call a dog who starts bringing dead birds home? A copycat.” Animals-Insects



I’m trying my best to shake this annoying bird who keeps tweeting me. Animals-Insects



The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the Korean community said that this was great news Animals-Insects



“I love freebees. Good thing the keeper next door had a heart attack.” Animals-Insects



“I call my dog Herpes. He just won’t heel.” Animals-Insects



“I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came walking over with a cheeky smile on his face. “You two lovebirds.” he laughed. I said, “Indeed, our favorite is the Greenfinch.”” Animals-Insects



“A guy in the pub said he would buy me drinks all night, if I could make his dog do what I told it to. So I threw it on the fire and shouted, “Get off”.” Animals-Insects



Why is there no mouse flavored cat food? Animals-Insects



“A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day. This is because their long necks allow them to get at the cocaine other browsing Animals cannot reach.” Animals-Insects



“I was once debating about animal testing with someone who claimed it was their responsibility to ‘give a voice to the voiceless’. So I guess parrots are fair game.” Animals-Insects



A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper for a mouth organ. The shopkeeper says “That’s strange you’re the second mouse in here this morning asking for a mouth organ” The mouse replied Yeah – That’s probably our Monica!!!! Animals-Insects



Apparently there’s something offensive about snakes. My pet snake, was born with only one eye (unfortunately), and when I ask people if they want to see my ‘one eyed snake’ I get these disgusting looks off them. Animals-Insects



“A giraffe walks into a bar. The barman says, “You’ve got some neck coming in here.”” Animals-Insects



“My cat got spayed today. Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach.” Animals-Insects



I have just seen an endangered large bird fly into a house and kill itself…….Stupid Bustard! Animals-Insects



“I convinced a mate of mine that he was part of an octopus’s arm.. Sucker..” Animals-Insects



“My dog’s got a hand growing where his tail should be. He keeps wagging his finger at me – so is he happy or cross?” Animals-Insects



“Bob goes to the dog’s home and asks the guy in charge: “That big Alsatian there looks friendly, but does he like small Children?” “He loves ‘em,” says the guy, “but it’d be a lot cheaper to buy him proper dog food.”” Animals-Insects



“My mate asked my Advice on which dogs are best to take on a duck shoot. I gave him a couple of pointers.” Animals-Insects



Snakes like to chew Wrigley’s Animals-Insects



My pet Rabbit has been very ill recently, but it’s getting better. He’s recovering in leaps and bounds. Animals-Insects



“As I jumped onto the back of the motorbike, it made a loud roaring noise and shot off down the street. Everyone was staring open-mouthed and I could just tell they were all thinking how cool I looked in my leathers. But then I lost control and was headed right for a pedestrian. The bike threw me off, and carried on right into him, before ripping his leg off and eating it. Looking back, it might have been a lion…” Animals-Insects



With jobs thin on the ground, I took a risk and had a go at elephant poaching. There were some surprised faces when I turned up for work with a 2,000 gallon drum of boiling water and a 40-foot slotted spoon. Animals-Insects



“I don’t know why the kids and wife were so upset. I though naming our new dog ‘Emergency Food Supply’ was very appropriate.” Animals-Insects



““My new boyfriends just like a panda” “What – he eats, shoots & leaves?” “No, he’s fat and sterile.”” Animals-Insects



“I spilt some Mr Muscle Descaler last week and my pet snake slithered right through it. I don’t have a pet snake anymore, more a big chubby worm :(” Animals-Insects



“I can’t really blame pandas for not mating with each other. It must be weird doing it with someone who looks just like you.” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend came running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “There’s a huge spider in there!” She said. “Thanks love, I’ll remember to knock first.” I replied.” Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend won two goldfish at the fair last night, so we decided to call them Thelma and Louise. They will most probably be dead by the end of the week.” Animals-Insects



“Why is that when a group of kittens are born they are called a litter? I don’t put them all in the bin, sometimes I keep one.” Animals-Insects



“Pets At Home. “Where Pets Come First” Liars.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a badger dead on the road the other week, my mum got really emotional about it, so I told her a joke: “why did the badger cross the road?” “why?” “I don’t know, he never got around to telling me why.” ba boom.” Animals-Insects



Shark attacks have increased ever since the tuba player was killed. Animals-Insects



Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayed. Animals-Insects



“I just saw snakes on a plane. And here I was thinking it only happens in movies.” Animals-Insects



“What do epileptic snakes have? Hissy fits.” Animals-Insects



“’…I’m teaching my dog to meow. I think it will help him if he has a second language’.” Animals-Insects



“My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I’m in shock. It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?” Animals-Insects



“Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.

Must have been pedigreed.” Animals-Insects



“What’s black and kills people? Panthers.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve just finished cleaning out my daughter’s budgerigar because she didn’t want to do it. Well, times are hard and we can’t afford chicken.” Animals-Insects



Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading. Animals-Insects



““It’s just a spider, it’s more scared of you than you are of it” my Dad told me. Pretty stupid Advice for a housefly.” Animals-Insects



A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there’s one in the pond that keeps bullying him. Animals-Insects



I’m going to microwave a spider and let it bite me… superpowers here I come! Animals-Insects



“I had to have my wife’s dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do. There was no way he could have gone on living after the humiliation of being seen in a pink and yellow hoodie.” Animals-Insects



“My wife came storming up to me before ‘I’m leaving you because your mind drifts and you never pay attention to anything!’ she said. ‘what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because their scared of heights?’ I replied.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a pig in an oven? Pork.” Animals-Insects



“So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say Dolphins really aren’t so smArt on land.” Animals-Insects



““You’ve got to have a look at that ‘Cats in Bread’ website.” Said my girlfriend. I thought the one with two tails and no legs was the funniest.” Animals-Insects



All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realizing that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep. Animals-Insects



If you hate cats as much as I do, you’ll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot of fun Animals-Insects



“Why there could never be great black sharks? They would drown instantly.” Animals-Insects



“Found out my Wife is petrified of creepy crawlies the other day, then I thought of an advantage to this….. …I invested in an ant farm to ring fence the kitchen.” Animals-Insects



Changing weather patterns mean that Animals are going to start to migrate differently. Personally I look forward to seeing Bill Oddie going to do some bird-watching in Norfolk and getting his head ripped off by a puma. Animals-Insects



“How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?! The sheets are wrinkled and the bed smells of peanuts! How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?! Your bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing,” Animals-Insects



“I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, She said “Surprise me with something exotic”, So I put a king cobra in her birthday cake!” Animals-Insects



“My new dog has a cleft palate, but he is highly intelligent, he already knows my name. When I get home he stands at the gate and shouts “Mark, Mark, Mark”” Animals-Insects



I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins. Animals-Insects



“A man lost his lower leg when he was attacked by an 18 foot shark. Does this now make it a 19 foot shark?” Animals-Insects



“The wife thought it was cruel of me to wake the kids so early and make them watch the cricket. But it’s just so cool the way it’s sliding down the tarantula’s throat.” Animals-Insects



“Dogs Trust: Dogs die in hot cars. In other unrelated news, I have sent my wife on a cross desert trip to Tesco.” Animals-Insects



“I have always wanted to walk into an animal hospital with a fur coat on and say “There, sort that lot out!”” Animals-Insects



“Two owls are sitting in a tree. The first one announces “I’m getting married!” To which the second replies “You twit, to who?!”” Animals-Insects



“I went out with my mink coat on last night. Some silly cow shouted at me, “Some poor animal died to make that coat.” I said, “It’s ok sweetheart, this one was dead already.”” Animals-Insects



“Taxidermy. The only job where you can give Animals a good stuffing. And get away with it.” Animals-Insects



The Coroner has removed a horse’s head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still attached to her body Animals-Insects



I've just checked the cuckoo clocks -they're all tickety boo. Animals-Insects



“My wife said she is never going to a fancy dress party with me dressed in my wasp outfit ever again. I spent all night trying to get out the window.” Animals-Insects



I’ve heard that being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep. In a blender. Animals-Insects



I’d like to see what happens when a shark is on her period. Animals-Insects



Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you’ve ever done in front of your pets. Animals-Insects



Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer allowed to teach anymore. Animals-Insects



I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself “it can’t bee.” Animals-Insects



“Why did the Gallus gallus domesticus traverse the roadway? Because the agricultural overseer had not correctly maintained his fowl coop perimeter, taking the necessary precautions to avoid a potential escape of his stock which, accompanying the financial inconvenience, could in fact pose a threat to the motor vehicles upon the nearby roadway; also risking the possibility of the public fabricating jokes about the given matter.” Animals-Insects



“Doctor, Doctor. I think I’m a chameleon! Who said that?!” Animals-Insects



“I invited some mates over for a hog roast the other day. Just as the barbeque was about to be lit, my mate nudged me and said “Dave, I thought you said there was a vegetarian option.” I replied, “What do you think the apple in his mouth is for?”” Animals-Insects



“Trust me never mix skunk with acid. You’ll never be allowed back in that zoo again.” Animals-Insects



““Made with dolphin friendly tuna” That’s a relief as I really don’t like eating nasty tuna.” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between me and a horse? About 10 inches.” Animals-Insects



“The dog escaped out of our back garden last week, and when I hadn’t found Rusty by dark, I wondered if we’d ever see him again. But I was on the other side of town today, and there he was. He’d made it all the way back to his owner’s.” Animals-Insects



“I saw a missing dog poster on a tree today. So I wrote on it, “I ran over him.”” Animals-Insects



“If first you don’t succeed. You must be a budgie with teeth.” Animals-Insects



“Why couldn’t ants get into Club Doughnut? It was jam packed.” Animals-Insects



“My horse was eating some hay when suddenly it reared back in pain with a needle stuck in its mouth. “Cool”, I thought, “those are hard to find.”” Animals-Insects



“I got fined 50 by the local council for feeding the pigeons in the park today. Next time, I think I’ll take Weight Watchers bread with me.” Animals-Insects



“So there is a picture on google of Mrs Obama edited to look like a gorilla. Wasn’t a very good editor if she looks the same if you ask me.” Animals-Insects



“Looking for your cat? Try my wheel arches.” Animals-Insects



WSPA: “The amur leopard is so rare, there is hardly any footage of it” Ever heard of YouTube?” Animals-Insects



“I was searching the web the other day… and I found a spider.” Animals-Insects



“Did you hear about the cheesy sparrows? They don’t like my grating.” Animals-Insects



“Where do you find killer whales? Prison.” Animals-Insects



“What has fifty legs and can’t walk? Half a centipede.” Animals-Insects



I wish I was a mayfly, then till death do us part wouldn’t sound so bad. Animals-Insects



“Mick Hucknall of Simply Red has been prosecuted for raping a rabbit, Apparently when he was caught he was singing “Holding back the ears” and “Bunnies too tight to mention”” Animals-Insects



I’m thinking of hiring a S.W.A.T team to fix my fly problem. Animals-Insects



“The pride of Britain awards are coming up. My money’s on the white lions at the West Midlands Safari Park.” Animals-Insects



"The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as [email protected] “I'm so proud of my husband - he's wanted to be a comedian for years, now he's made the whole world laugh.”" Animals-Insects



“I don’t know why they call them ‘Drug Sniffing Dogs’. It’s usually more effective the other way around.” Animals-Insects



“I thought I saw a gecko run across my computer screen. Upon closer inspection I realized it wasn’t a gecko. It was actually a monitor lizard.” Animals-Insects



A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. Animals-Insects



“A Hedgehog and a Rabbit had a Boxing match earlier. The Hedgehog won on points. Animals-Insects



“My new girlfriend said she loved her creature comforts. So I skinned her cat and made a lovely hat for her.” Animals-Insects



“Took my dog to the vets because it refused to eat it’s food and started eating nothing but veggies. Turns out it’s a rabbit.” Animals-Insects



“The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins. I think we were talking about cross porpoises.” Animals-Insects



“What do you call a pig with Asperger’s? Socially pork ward.” Animals-Insects



“Last night I came home drunk and waxed lyrical in front of my girlfriend. Wouldn’t be so bad, but ‘Lyrical’ is her cat.” Animals-Insects



“I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck… I hope it fits the Bill.” Animals-Insects



“How do you stop moles from digging up your garden? Hide the spades!” Animals-Insects



“Things have been strained between me and the wife recently, earlier she said: “Grrrr, rooar, grrrr…” I know things are bad, she’s bearly talking to me.” Animals-Insects



“A young man can learn a lot from a dog… Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.” Animals-Insects



“Just found out that my dog could read after leaving him in the Veterinarian’s waiting room. The sign said, “Be back in 10 minutes. Sit! Stay!”” Animals-Insects



“My mate told me if I cut my pet goat’s horns off it would become more confident. It didn’t work – if anything it’s got even more sheepish.” Animals-Insects



“What did the domestically abused fish get for Christmas?

Battered” Animals-Insects



I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me. Animals-Insects



“sky news; Man Caught ‘Smuggling’ Bear Out Of Russia. cant wait to see that episode.” Animals-Insects



“I have two pet hates. Much more fun than having a cat or a dog” Animals-Insects



“I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree. That tree outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in.” Animals-Insects



I’m worried about my budgie at home, while I’ve been away he hasn’t tweeted once. Animals-Insects



“Took a trip out to Africa to check out the wildlife. I saw some jaguars, rams, cobras, vipers and beetles. I thought Africa was poor, how come they can afford such flash cars?” Animals-Insects



My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander… Animals-Insects



"At the weasel fanciers exhibition I thoroughly disgraced myself. Apparently, I'd taken along the wrong breed of animal. *cough*..... I'll get me stoat." Animals-Insects



“My girlfriend is like a dandelion, beautiful on a summer’s eve or on a winter’s night. And when I get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet.” Animals-Insects



“Paddy and his wife are distraught that their dog has gone missing. After a week his wife, becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping that someone may have spotted him. When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; “Well, have you done it?”. “Yes” replies Paddy. “Good. What did you put”, says his wife. “Here boy”, Paddy replies.” Animals-Insects



“Shark attack: ‘This was a rogue shark’ unlike those friendly ones.” Animals-Insects



Sometimes, I go to the local farm, steal a sheep, cut off its legs and head then pretend I have a fallen cloud in my garden. Animals-Insects



Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the termites…..sure! I’d love to read the paper… Animals-Insects



You can’t keep a good dog down… unless it’s been at the pound too long. Animals-Insects



“Some chavs broke into the local zoo and threw two penguins into the lion enclosure. But don’t worry, they couldn’t get the wrappers off.” Animals-Insects



Definition. Lamb Shank – The Art of killing sheep Animals-Insects



“I used to be an avid bird watcher Then I took a sparrow to the knee.” Animals-Insects



“My son just said, “Dad, I’ve just invented a designer farm animal.” I said, “Son, I’m Prada Ewe.”” Animals-Insects



“My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep. “A farm, you mean” suggested my mate. “No. A slaughter house”.” Animals-Insects



Always by my side protecting me, I love my pet… rock. Animals-Insects



“Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla. The fact that saved me a zoo sponsorship.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys The sole conclusion I’ve drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys.” Animals-Insects



“Great, the local mafia boss just scratched my dog’s back. Now he owes him a favour.” Animals-Insects



“I’ve got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today. I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus.” Animals-Insects



“Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things. Like carrying a huge basket of clothes on their heads for example.” Animals-Insects



“I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him #here boy” Animals-Insects



“What’s the Difference between panda’s and ginger? We’re trying to stop the panda’s dying out.” Animals-Insects



“My next door neighbor has got a sick sense of humor. He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them. Pork Hunt.” Animals-Insects



FOR SALE, 3 Albino Dalmatian pups…….“Spotless” Animals-Insects



“Scientists have discovered that chickens are closely related to humans I don’t agree, I’ve never had a chicken breast with a nipple.” Animals-Insects



“My wife’s dog just came running past with one of my slippers. God knows how he keeps a size 10 on that little paw of his.” Animals-Insects



“It’s fun playing football with my rabbit. Although she’s not as bouncy as a real football.” Animals-Insects



“Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform. They’re looking for a copycat killer” Animals-Insects



““Where’s Rover gone again daddy?” asked my little girl. “He’s gone to live on a farm darling, where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day.” “That’s nice daddy. I’m so happy his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car.”” Animals-Insects



“Imagine a female werewolf, once a month she’d turn into a vicious man-eating monster in a blind rage. And then another time in the month she’d turn into a wolf.” Animals-Insects



“They say if you blow in a dog’s face that it can’t breathe. Mine must be trying to commit suicide with his head outside of my car window.” Animals-Insects



“‘Camilla stable after surgery’ don’t they mean in her stable?” Animals-Insects



“A horse walks into a bar and asks, “Why the long face?” “What?” asks the confused barman.” Animals-Insects



“Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn’t count the sheep. I kept falling asleep.” Animals-Insects



“My sick dog brings all the bait I need to go fishing with. He’s a worm carrier.” Animals-Insects



Did you hear about the blind skunk….. it fell in love with a fart Animals-Insects



For some reason, I find any animal with hypersensitive hearing really eerie Animals-Insects



“Behave. The place where posh bees fly to.” Animals-Insects



“Researchers at Bristol University say a breed of blood-sucking ticks has been discovered in the UK. Wait a minute, blood-sucking leeches appearing near the start of April? That’s just Inland Revenue!” Animals-Insects



“The wife’s got a new penfriend. Even pigs need someone to play with.” Animals-Insects



I accidently left my lunch in the car today. It`s okay though it was only a couple of hot dogs. Animals-Insects



“Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I’ve thought about how amusing it would be if they got monkeys to dress up in rappers’ clothes and “bling” and “rap” in rap music videos… Oh wait…” Animals-Insects



I’ve just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don’t want to breed them or anything, I just want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they’re in the middle of a wonderful dream. Animals-Insects



“Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish. He would swim around in his little bowl whilst I gambled. He died today so I held a small funeral. Nothing special, I just wrapped him in newspaper with some chips.” Animals-Insects



“I was desperate for the toilet earlier today. I had a little turtle-head popping out. I knew I should have chewed it properly.” Animals-Insects



“My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night. I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor.” Animals-Insects



“Come on, I’ll help you out of the water. You’ll drown otherwise,” said the friendly elephant as it placed the fish safely on the tree. Animals-Insects



“There isn’t room to swing a cat in here. Guess I’ll go outside and play.” Animals-Insects



“I was devastated to learn that my wife had taken the cat after our divorce. I thought we had a mutual feline.” Animals-Insects



“In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person. Maybe if we stopped calling them Shih Tzu’s they’d feel a lot calmer.” Animals-Insects



Apparently worms are at their bravest when they’re in pears. Animals-Insects



“I don’t see the point in big, ugly Animals with wide mouths and stubby legs. Guess I’m just hypocritical.” Animals-Insects



“Woman on the bus said to me, “Your fly is down.” I said, “I know, I’m taking him to see his psychologist.”” Animals-Insects



“I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot. “Do you mind if I fake a photo?” I asked him.” Animals-Insects



“I never knew dogs could be racist. Then I met a sniffer dog.” Animals-Insects



“A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms. The Vet looks at the dog and says “sorry sir, your dog is dead” “I’d like a second opinion please” says the man laying his beloved animal on the table. “One moment sir” says the vet second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves the cat over the dog and say “sorry sir, you dog is definitely dead” The man says “look are you sure” “Yes” says the vet “these cat scans are very reliable”” Animals-Insects



“I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador. He said: “Oh they’re really nice dogs, I love them but they make you go blind.”” Animals-Insects



Do animal rights activists ever try to kill two birds with one stone? Animals-Insects



Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape. Animals-Insects



“I love Hummingbirds. That’s why I put a dab of superglue on the flowers of the Hummingbird feeder.” Animals-Insects



“Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day. ‘Yeah I think they’re dead,’ I said and chucked them in the park bin.” Animals-Insects



“I bought a new mouse pad last night. I don’t know why I care for my rodents so much.” Animals-Insects



“My cat adored me, was always at my side or on my lap. Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left. I lost that loving feline.” Animals-Insects



“Puppies all look cute and act adorable. But has anyone ever investigated their repeated involvement in child abduction cases?” Animals-Insects



“I noticed a mouse popping its head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom, so I rang the Environmental health Agency. The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and went back in again , I said “Did you see that Fish?” And the bloke said “I’m here about the mouse Sir, we’ll deal with the Rising Damp later”.” Animals-Insects



“Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier. Stupid Parrot never gets the bacon right.” Animals-Insects



“My mother-in-law’s coming over. I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep.” Animals-Insects



I wonder if the first person that spotted a puma realized that he or she had invented the leopard? Animals-Insects



“I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned. “The dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!” he wailed. “I’ll be over right away!” I shouted. I’ve never seen inside a dog before.” Animals-Insects



“Why would Glyptodons make excellent models? They’re Pleistocene!” Animals-Insects



“Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky. They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats that are watching tennis matches.” Animals-Insects



“My mate hung himself in a modern Art gallery. It was three weeks before anyone noticed.” Art



At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table? Art



“I’ve developed a foolproof technique any of you can use to sculpt a model of an elephant. 1. Get a huge block of marble. 2. Chip away anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.” Art



“As a painter, I’m proud to say some of my work can be seen in the National Gallery. I did the skirting boards.” Art



“Salvador Dali walks into a fish and orders a pint of stamps. The barman says, “Why the bicycle wheel?”” Art



“I think I have a photographic memory… …All the people in my head have red eyes.” Art



“Abstract erotic Art… …It’s the shape of things to come.” Art



“An Artist tried to concentrate on his painting, but the attraction he felt for his nude model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind of girl!” “Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss any of my models before,” he protested. “Really?” she asked, softening. “How many models have there been?” “Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”” Art



“I found an old unframed oil painting in my loft yesterday of a beautiful naked lady So I mounted it” Art



“My girlfriend insisted on going to the Art gallery so I went along with it and after an hour looking at pictures I called her over and said, “What about this one?” “Are you serious?” “Yeah, it’s the best one I’ve seen yet.” “If you don’t want to be here, then leave.” “When did I say that?” “When you called me over to look at the EXIT sign.”” Art



Went to an M.C. Escher exhibition today. All the best prints were on the second floor but unfortunately I couldn’t get there. Art



“I always thought auctions were really boring, but the one I went too today was really exciting. Granted, I was sat at the back of the room with a tazer.” Art



I lost so much cash through having my Art stolen recently, but fortunately this month I’ve Claude Monet back. Art



“I got into a fight with an Artist last night… We drew” Art



“‘Edvard Munch’s The Scream sells for $120 million’. Victoria Beckham was going to bid for it.. Then she remembered that she had a mirror.” Art



“I got some really bad news at my university today. Instead of funding my department they are funding the language and the history department. Oh the humanities!” Art



“My father gave me my first condom. Sadly, he was wearing it at the time.” Art



“A new exhibition where the Artist uses human excrement to create celebrity portraits opens tomorrow. There’ll be some familiar faces on show.” Art



“I’ve just found a portrait of a policeman in the loft. I think it’s a Constable.” Art



“The wife went ballistic when I punched a constable yesterday. She was nearly as mad as the museum staff.” Art



“How do we know Vermeer had a low sperm count? Well, it’s not ‘Girl with a Pearl Necklace’ is it?” Art



“Felt it would be a good idea to draw straws with my mates to see which one of us went for the munter out of a group of girls. And people say my BA in Art would be useless.” Art



“My mate fancies himself as an Artist and wants to sketch me. I told him, “I’m very busy at the moment.” “How about next Sunday afternoon?” he suggested. I said, “Not too sure – but pencil me in.”” Art



“‘Every picture tells a story’. The picture up in my house, tells me how bad security is at the Khalil museum, and that Van Gogh’s painting is not worth 32m.” Art



“Went to a tarot card reading with my wife recently. You should have seen the look on her and the old gypsy ladies faces when I drew the Death card. It was a look that clearly showed if I didn’t put the sketch pad and pen away I would not be coming to any further readings.” Art



Consistently innovative and exciting, the London International Mime Festival returns….Now you’re talking Art



“Vincent Van Gogh. There’s a man. Everyone said to him “you can’t be an Artist! You only have one ear!” and you know what he said? “Sorry, I can’t hear you”.” Art



“I’ve been working on a mosaic made of broken bottles, but it’s not really all that it’s cracked up to be.” Art



All the best Artistic ideas are kept inside drawers. Art



“My dad paints all of his pictures in his own blood. He suffers for his Art.” Art



“Whenever I’m asked who the man of the match is, my answer is always the same. Lowry.” Art



“What do you call an Artist with asthma? Van Cough” Art



Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim, nor financial rewards, does this make it the purest form of Art? Art



I drew a blank in my Art exam. Art



“News: “The Tate Modern has removed a nude photo of actress Brooke Shields aged 10 from its new exhibition over fears it will be a gathering place for pedophiles”. Okay guys I’m sorry but the minibuses won’t be picking you all up now, your 5 deposit will be returned in the post shortly.” Art



“Damien Hirst partner has walked out on him for another man. Like a dead cow in an Art gallery he must be gutted.” Art



“Fifty shades of grey The first ever book for dogs” Art



“Who’s boss of the pencil case? The Ruler.” Art



“When Damien Hirst cuts a shark in half and preserves it in formaldehyde, he’s a visionary Artist. When I do it, I get banned from the aquarium.” Art



Just finished reading 50 shades of grey – I thought it was rather monochromatic. Art



““Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I’m a freak” “Shut up and comb your face”” Beauty



“A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, “have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” “No, I haven’t. What’s the problem?” “The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” “Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asked. “Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.”” Beauty



Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat. Beauty



“I saw the woman who’s in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her secret really is. “I’m twenty two”, she said.” Beauty



“Today my boss told me my facial hair is bad for business, Nothing’s been said by any of the other escorts though.” Beauty



“My wife has become so fat, I said to her “You are starting to look like my ex-wife”. “But you only have ever been married to me”. She replied “Yes, I know”” Beauty



“Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive… Does anyone actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?” Beauty



They say that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention Beauty



I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one. Beauty



“I just asked out a girl I’ve known for years and I’m distraught. The most attractive person you could ever meet, eyes that you can’t help but stare into, wit that could get everyone laughing, an unmatched smile that could warm anyone’s heart. Why she turned that down I don’t know.” Beauty



“My mate said I was too fat to climb a wall. I still can’t get over it.” Beauty



I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. “Thanks” she said “That’s very sweet of you!” “Oh” I said “It’s not a compliment. I just can’t imagine that there are 999,999 uglier people. Beauty



“I’d hate to be a woman. Besides the periods, the hair and Beauty traumas, weight issues, and all the housework they have to do, have you noticed how they always seem to turn a funny orange/tan colour around winter time?” Beauty



“If you ever get attacked by a tiger just throw moisturizer cream at him.

Blocks the paws.” Beauty



“I lent my friend a glue stick the other day instead of a chopstick. She still isn’t talking to me.” Beauty



“I’ve almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it on her tonight. I just need to find a silencer now.” Beauty



I realized I was getting old the other day when my hairdresser spent more time on shaving my ears and eyebrows than she did on shaving my head. Beauty



Women must think I’m a handyman, since “help” is the first word out of their mouth when they see me. Beauty



“Dear L’Oreal, How do you know your products work if they weren’t tested on Animals?” Beauty



“Just heard that Ashleigh Hall who was killed in County Durham was ‘a lovely, lovely kid’ who was ‘the nicest’. Obviously she was nice – she had to be. She was hideous.” Beauty



“Why did the princess never brush her hair? She had leukemia.” Beauty



“My mate gets dumped pretty regularly, so I asked him how long it takes to get over a girl. He replied “Depends how fat she is.”” Beauty



“Inside every fat woman is a thin woman and a lot of chocolate. Inside every thin woman is a fat woman waiting for marriage.” Beauty



“I don’t really like my new hair. But I suppose it’ll grow on me…” Beauty



“I walked up to this woman in a bar the other night “You’re a feminist, aren’t you?” i said to her amazed she said “Yes, yes I am, but how’d you know?” so I told her “I can see your armpit hair from the other side of the room you fat, ugly cow”.” Beauty



“I used to hate facial hair!! But eventually, it grew on me.” Beauty



“My wife told me that I needed to go to the gym and get in shape. I replied, “I am in shape!” A sphere is a shape.” Beauty



Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments. Beauty



“My friends said to me, “I always has Johnson’s baby lotion in my cupboard.” “That’s funny,” I replied “I just have Johnsons baby in mine”” Beauty



“Whenever I go into the toilet after my wife there is always a strong scent of air freshener. I’m so glad she likes her new perfume.” Beauty



I just bought a new pair of gloves, or so I thought. One of them is second hand. Beauty



“Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes? A: The back of her head.” Beauty



Today my fashion statement is, “I missed a spot shaving.” Beauty



Surely if Alpecin works, you would end up with really hairy hands? Beauty



Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he “can’t help my kind,” and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway. Beauty



You`ve got teeth like a witch doctors necklace. Beauty



“What is the nickname given to Toddlers and Tiaras? The reason condoms were invented.” Beauty



“I’ve just booked an appointment with the new German barber. Herr Cut” Beauty



“New Eau de Condom by Calvin Klein… …For him and for her!” Beauty



“I’ve just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds. I know it’s only 3 words but it’s a start!” Books



“I went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.” Books



“I’ve been thinking of writing a mystery novel. Or have I?” Books



“Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes. The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.” Books



I got banned from Waterstones today for moving all the ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs to the ’50 Shades of Grey’ shelf. Books



“I went to Waterstones today to get a book about conspiracies. There were none there. Coincidence?” Books



Breaking News: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare’s house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons. Books



“I’ve just published a book on DIY. It’s blank and comes with a free pen.” Books



I ordered a joke book off Amazon last week…. but I didn’t get it. Books



“Our new librarian is very polite. I think she is Italian. I’ve just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, “That’s-a-fine.” So I thanked her and walked out.” Books



“I’ve just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as it’s commonly known.” Books



“My mate just stole my Thesaurus. Frankly, I’m lost for words.” Books



“A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.” The doctor nods and replies, “Don’t worry, you’ve just been Tolkien in your sleep.”” Books



Whenever I worry that I’ve been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book. Books



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn’t put it down. Books



““Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook” Books



“I spent almost an hour at the Bookstore yesterday signing Books. Which was pretty good, since they caught me after just 25 minutes the last time.” Books



“I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran. She’s an animal in bed.” Books



After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I’m beginning to think my HogwArts acceptance letter was a hoax. Books



Thanks to ’50 Shades of Grey’, my wife’s Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna. Books



“I hope my new book does well. It’s called “How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations.”” Books



“I went to a Bookstore and asked the saleswoman: “Where’s the self-help section?” She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” Books



“My brother has just set fire to one of my Mr Men Books. No more Mr Nice Guy.” Books



“Newcastle v Reading today. Newcastle don’t stand a chance; Geordies have never seen a book never mind read one.” Books



“I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but, by the end, I really liked it.” Books



My mate finally finished writing his book about cooking with herbs. It’s about thyme. Books



“How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G.” Books



“I walked into Waterstones and asked, “Do you have any Books on ‘How to stop impulse buying’?” “Yes we do.” “Excellent. I’ll take seventeen copies please.”” Books



“Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon. Admittedly, I don’t think I should have eaten it in the first place.” Books



“My friend recommended a book to me. She said it was a real page turner. I was like, “yeah, I know how Books work.”” Books



“J K Rowling is planning two Harry Potter sequels where he re-enters the world of the Muggles: Harry Potter & the Tuition Fees of In affordability Harry Potter and the Unclimbable Housing Ladder” Books



“I commute a lot, so I bought one of those new Apple iPads so I can read virtual Books on long journeys. It’s brilliant, it’s just like reading a normal book except it runs out of batteries and it gives me a migraine.” Books



I’ve just read the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. Books



“I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That’s the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.” Books



I love my collection of Sat-Nav’s and map Books, I’d be lost without them. Books



“I’m reading a book on helium at the moment. I’m having trouble putting it down.” Books



“I’ve nearly finished writing my book about finding the perfect way to stab someone. All it needs is a surprise twist at the end.” Books



When it comes to breakfast, 3 bowls of porridge is the bear minimum. Books



“I’ve just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison. It’s for those who enjoy a bit of light reading.” Books



“Too make a long story short…I didn’t finish ‘Lord of the Rings’.” Books



You can accidentally change the outcome of any night by not noticing that typing ‘pints’ into dictionary text first comes up as ‘shots’. Books



“I just bought a new book ‘Ventriloquism for Dummies’.” Books



“Dear Stephanie Meyer, Please do a tour of Britain, explaining to women how your Books are FICTIONAL. You’re ruining my mojo. Sincerely, Lonely Teen” Books



There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking, AH! There’s Wally! Books



I enjoy going up to any woman reading the 50 shades of grey Books and asking them if they have got to the part where the man dies! Books



I read Great Expectations – it wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be. Books



“Later on today, I plan to set alight a manifest of unholy lies. Sworn before God, and in protest to tyranny, I plan to rid the world of the filth, blasphemy and falsehoods that have marred my happiness for close to a decade. The wife will be furious, it’s our only copy of the wedding photos.” Books



“Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true love and to be very romantic. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.” Books



“The Guardian Online: “Child abuse reviews to be published” When I get my copy, I think I’ll queue up for hours to get the author to sign it.” Books



“I’m currently reading ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton. Which freaked me out because I didn’t think he knew anything about my life.” Books



“I bought a book to help me overcome my shyness and it really works. Now I can talk to people while hiding behind it.” Books



I’ve just started reading a book about Fort Knox but I just can’t get into it. Books



“If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters how long would it take them to write the complete works of Shakespeare? …I don’t know but I reckon in the first three seconds they’d have written the autobiography of Katie Price.” Books



“Tomorrow sees the release of the audiobook of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Read by Joe Pasquale.” Books



“New Oxford Dictionary entry reads: Clown’s pie (n). A very, very wet minge. “Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmorals, Her Majesty bade me descend to her lady garden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown’s pie”. (From” “The memoirs of Queen Victoria’s Ghyllie” by John Brown )” Books



“A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be a taxi driver. The librarian replies “It’s just around the corner.”” Books



“I’ve just finished writing a book called “How to delegate.” Well, actually my wife wrote it.

But it was me who told her to.” Books



“I’m pretending to the wife that I’m interested in the book 50 shades of grey. That way, she wont think I’m a pervert when the film comes out.” Books



“I love that Sickipedia have finally released a joke book! Now I can add published writer to my CV All I have to do now is avoid applying for jobs were the boss is either disabled or part of any ethnic minority” Books



“Some pages from J.K. Rowling’s new ‘adult’ novel have been leaked on the internet. Chapter 1. Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw an owl flying towards him…..” Books



“Loving the new Dr. Seuss book. Horton Hires a Ho” Books



You know your career’s going nowhere when your autobiography is being sold in Pound land. Books



“For the past 10 years, I’ve been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography. Story of my life.” Books



“My mate Colin is a typical example of someone who’s read Proust. He hasn’t read it.” Books



“John Milton wrote the book: Paradise lost. Then his wife died… And he wrote the book: Paradise regained.” Books



“Everyone keeps recommending I read “50 Shades of Grey.” I keep telling them I’m not interested, at least not until they release the picture version.” Books



Adrian Mole’s diary wasn’t actually very secret, was it? Books



Gryffindor: I’m brave and loyal. Raven claw: I’m smArt and logical. Slytherin: I’m ambitious and cunning. Hufflepuff: …I like turtles. Books



50 shades of grey… Is that a book about the sky during a typical British summer? Books



“Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won’t cuddle with you after. I mean, neither will me, just saying…” Books



Someday trans-gender Pinocchio, you’ll be a real girl. Books



I am busy reading a new dictionary. To be fair, it’s not much different to the first one I read. Books



“I was in our local library earlier today, when a small, round root vegetable came in and asked the librarian if she had a book about suicide. I though “That’s a turnip for the Books”” Books



By now, I think nearly everyone in the world knows who Harry Potter is… Unless they’re locked in a cupboard under some stairs. Books



“Say what you like about my wife, but she certainly knows her place. Ever since I bought her that new bookmark.” Books



I just bought the book ‘Learn How to Read’ and am now realizing the potential problem… Books



“Ever wonder what your Dreams mean? It means Bookshops can make loads of money by selling Books to gullible people.” Books



“What would you call an instruction manual for ventriloquists? A: Dummies for Dummies.” Books



“JK Rowling today is going to tell her story of press intrusion, Slight change of direction from the Harry Potter Books…” Books



“As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand…. Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school” Books



“Many people see Shakespeare as the greatest literary of all time. Not me though, his most famous line “ To be or not to be, that is the question?” I think he was just trying to decide which pencil to use.” Books



“I bought a book on practical jokes from Water stones today. When I got it home and opened it, all the pages were blank and fell out. Books



“My mom wouldn’t let me read or watch Harry Potter when I was little because she thought I would start acting like a Wizard. Stupid muggle has no idea what she’s talking about.” Books



“I got my wife one of those Books I know she’ll read over and over again. ‘Coping with Memory Loss’.” Books



Apparently “50 shades of grey” is the first book in history where there is no need for its readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages. Books



“I’ve just finished my book on evaluating literature. It was alright.” Books



“I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times. So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly. It’s now been published for a million pounds, gone straight to the top of the bestsellers, got nominated for three awards and the films due out next year.” Books



“Just read a book about youth in Asia. Made me want to kill myself.” Books



“A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on band wagons. “Oh, everyone seems to be borrowing that one”” Books



“My wife loves glossy magazines. So I bought her a Dulux catalogue.” Books



It’s going to be really difficult to hold the Eurovision song contest next year with all of those dementors hanging around. Books



“Kate and Gerry are bringing out a new book on how to raise your kids, it’s got lots of tips on how to control their behavior. Top Tip no 1! Sacrifice one child so that the others behave.

Top Tip no 2! Remind them if they tell anyone the next holidays booked.” Books



I always take a Dan Brown novel with me when I go for a dump. Not to read; to wipe with. Books



Man goes into library & asks if they have any Books on numbers. The librarian says, “One or two” Books



She asked me to be the Romeo to her Juliet, so I put her in an Artificial coma and killed myself. Books



“So, Sickipedia have released an American Version of their Sick Joke book. Considering the amount of jokes directed at them, I wouldn’t think that they’d raise funds for a new server. Then again, what do I know, I’m American.” Books



I just read a book about hoovers….. The end sucked Books



If you think the ‘amazon kindle’ text to speech option is a joke.. Try downloading ‘A Brief History of Time’…… Books



Trolls really get my goat. Books



“I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet. I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn’t kill themselves.” Books



My favorite character in The Jungle Book is Kaa the python, but then Mr. Kipling did make exceedingly good snakes. Books



“I read a book called “The Swimming Pool”. It started off shallow but had a very deep end to it.” Books



“Just finished writing my new book. It’s about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence, for five to nine year olds. It’s a picture book called: ‘Why is Wally’.” Books



I was looking for a Where’s Wally joke the other day but I couldn’t find it. Books



It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security. Books



“50 shades of day. And that concludes the Scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years.” Books



““Star banned from leaving OZ” So you could say it’s like some sort of prison. Let the Old times Roll.” Books



“I’ve got a book coming out soon. I shouldn’t have eaten it, really.” Books



“50 shades of Grey. The contents of Elton John’s Wig Drawer.” Books



“My wife came to me the other day after finishing ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and suggested we take some inspiration from the book in our relationship. “Absolutely! I’d love to.” I replied excitedly, relishing the opportunity. I’m not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her, bound her and sold her on the high street to a mug for 7.99.” Books



“I’ve been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month. With the deadline approaching my Family think I’m going to give up, but I’ll stand by my words.” Books



I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn’t get it in my box. Books



“I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me. Spineless git. Books



“I’ve written a book on how to deal with rejection… Unfortunately I couldn’t find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I’m going to kill all of my Family and friends and then jump in front of a train.” Books



Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and locations presented to you. Only to discover he’s behind the elephant. Books



“A man goes up to Quasimodo from ‘The Hunchback of Notre-Dame’. He says, “Hey Quasi, what’s that lump in your pocket?” He replies, “It’s a photo of our kid…”” Books



“I’ve just finished reading the autobiography of the world’s most modest man. He wasn’t in it much.” Books



“In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife up to 5 times a night. And there was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one” Books



“I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 Books. It’s because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand.” Books



“So David Beckham’s biography is set to be a ‘picture book’. Surprise surprise…” Books



“I bought a book called ‘Mathematics for dummies’. All the answers were wrong.” Books



I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. Books



I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet biweekly Books



“My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird. Few tips on racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse.” Books



“A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide. Unfortunately the library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight.” Books



“It once took me three days to read a book. And three cops to remove me from the library.” Books



“Kim Jong-Il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year? 2011 is clearly being written by George R.R. MArtin.” Books



“I’m being a thoughtful husband and buying my wife the audio version of fifty shades of grey, that’ll mean she has both hands free to pleasure herself. By finishing the ironing.” Books



“A black man, a ginger, and a suicide bomber walk into a library, and the librarian says “Is this some sort of sick joke?”” Books



Stieg Larsson, the author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is dead so, tragically, we will never know whether the tattoo was of Duncan, James, Deborah, Peter or Theo. Books



“I wrote the book on learning to read. We sold twelve copies.” Books



A man goes into the library and asks for a book on flogging a dead horse… Books



“Addicted to my ‘How to love a sick dog’ book I can’t put it down.” Books



“I’ve just been reading a book that conclusively proves that future comes before past. It’s called The Oxford English dictionary.” Books



“1895 AD – H. G. Wells publishes the book ‘The time Machine’. 1896 AD – H.G. Wells writes the book ‘The time Machine’.” Books



Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can’t see what all the fuss is about ‘Shifty Grades of Faye’! Books



“I wrote a book on coffee. Without it I would never have met the deadline.” Books



“That Jeffrey Archer looks like he’s got a temper on him. I’d hate to be in his bad Books.” Books



I’ve just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down Books



“Can anybody think of a different word for thesaurus? Hang on, let me just check my onomastic on.” Books



“Guinness world records. Proof that before something amazing, there must first be alcohol.” Books



“If I was an author I’d write Books for kids. Smaller audience.” Books



“The last Harry Potter film was so predictable. I could read it like a book!” Books



Mr. Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady congratulated him for not including curse words. “Ah,” replied Johnston, “You have been looking for them, I presume.” Books



Ever notice how Voldemort has a diary, necklace, ring, tiara and an obsession with a famous teenage boy? No one but me finds this awkward, apparently. Books



“I’ve just started reading a book called “Jokes for Dummies.” Chapter 1: Learning ventriloquism.” Books



“I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn’t tell me about the book she was reading. I beat 50 shades of grey out of her.” Books



“I joined my mates in the pub to find them going on about elves, wizards and hobbits. I have no idea what they’re Tolkien about.” Books



Just finished reading the girl who kicked the hornets’ nest, it wasn’t that good but the part were she got stung to death was hilarious. Books



“I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week, queuing in the Post Office for my road tax.” Books



A friend told me “50 Shades of Grey is a great way to silence your wife”. So i bought a copy and beat her to death with it…………. Books



“A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Bandwagon’s He jumped on it” Books



Before I go to sleep I always do some light reading. It’s a lot easier than dark reading. Books



“My girlfriend has left me because I spend all my time reading eBooks. I don’t want to lose my relationship so I am hoping to re-kindle it.” Books



“I’m really not looking forward to having to tell my friend that he’s not been chosen to play the prince in my upcoming production of Snow White. He’s going to be Grumpy.” Books



“I’m currently reading a book about a bird watching club that’s used as a cover by a group of swingers. It’s full of trysts and terns.” Books



“I’ve just seen a bloke spray painting a blond haired male reporter and a little white dog on the front of his car. I think he was Tin-Tin his windows.” Books



J.K. Rowling’s new novel is said to be the best fiction writing since George Osborne’s Budget Books



“The double standards of book censorship amazes me. Basically the same book has been banned and then released again. ‘Madeleine: The Book’ hits shelves this week but yet ‘If I Did It’ by OJ Simpson gets banned on its first release. Hypocrites.” Books



“Feeling depressed? Life not going how you wanted it to and its noticeable by the tone in your voice? Why not make a living narrating audioBooks.” Books



Quick money making: Sell dictionaries to the Yanks, but call them “crossword answers”. Books



“I just sold my old Snow White book for 15 quid. That really is a fair retail story!” Books



“I took a friend to the book store with me today. I wanted a book on self-confidence and my luck was in, he managed to get one for me.” Books



“I was fired from my job as a proof reader. They gave me the McCanns book, I couldn’t find any.” Books



Shakespeare is credited with the invention of hundreds of new words, which just goes to show that monkeys make terrible proofreaders. Books



Anyone else see the flaw in “Sickipedia book American Version now available” … Books



“I went out and bought a book today and flicked to the back page. So to all you dirty little women reading that dirty little book out there. She kills him at the end.” Books



“Susan Boyle has released her new autobiographical erotic book, so far it’s been critically panned for obvious reasons. It’s called “50 shaves a day”” Books



Just finished 50 shades of pink. Its a true story about a man, his washing machine and an elusive red sock. Books



“My friend asked me, “Why is there a book in your fridge?” I said, “It’s chilling.”” Books



“I heard someone say “You can’t be a true Harry Potter fan, unless you’ve read the Books.” Here’s an idea: why don’t we start calling the people who read the Books ‘Pure-bloods’ and the people who only saw the films ‘mud-bloods’.” Books



“Which John Milton novel is about why he can’t play Monopoly anymore? Pair o’ dice lost” Books



So they’re making a 50 Shades of Grey Movie? I’d hate to be the guy mopping the cinema floor after that shows. Books



A recent survey of women who read 50 Shades of Gray. Most read it with their fingers Books



“I got fed up with all this unwritten rules nonsense. So I published a book. It’s called Rules.” Books



“I’m writing a book on Indian curries. Its naan-fiction.” Books



Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy. Books



I’m still awaiting the arrival of my new book from EBay, ‘How to Avoid Internet Scams’. Books



“My wife’s been saying she’d love to meet a real-life Mr. Grey. Stupid cow should’ve paid more attention when we watched Reservoir Dogs.” Books



“I’ve just read the Civil Service Staff handbook. It’s called “50 Grades of pay”” Books



Twining’s have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea, Fifty Shades of Earl Grey. Books



I hope Mr. Grey gets aids Books



“Most ’50 Shades of Grey’ jokes on record. I blame a wet July.” Books



“What does Stephen Hawking have in common with Books? They both look worse with broken spines.” Books



“I’m about to release my new book on joblessness soon. Still needs work though.” Books



Going to have to keep a very close eye on my tatty old dog with the missus, After all he is 50 shades of grey. Books



“The Black Guy to English dictionary #1; “Awwwww sheit!” – Oh dear, there appears to be something wrong” Books



“David Kelly walks in to a Library. “Do you have a textbook on suicides” “Sorry” says the Librarian, “a bloke from MI6 just borrowed it”” Books



“While Stephen King suffered from writer’s block he inadvertently wrote The Shining. I hope my tale of child molestation achieves similar success.” Books



“My wife has been moaning and complaining a lot recently so I thought I’d buy that new book “50 shades of grey” as a surprise. You should have seen the look on her face when i smacked her round the head with it.” Books



“‘50 Shades of Grey’ is about a guy who gets a young girl to sign her whole life over to him? So a bit like Josef Fritz with a contract!” Books



“Suarez and Evra. Still a better love story than twilight.” Books



“72 year old, Geoffrey Leonard EVERY PAEDOPHILE’S HERO! Order his “How to Books” now!” Books



As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky and responded well to being stripped and given a light oiling Books



“I can’t wait for Reading Waterstones is going to be wild!” Books



“Due to the popularity of “50 shades of grey”, a new underwear range will soon be in shops. Think I will stick with my own brand though…. 50 shades of brown.” Books



“They’re coming out with a 50 Shades Of Grey women’s under wear line. That’s nothing new my boxers have been 50 shades for months now.” Books



“My Girlfriend has moved onto the fourth book in the series. She’s now reading Fifty Shades of Make Me a Sandwich.” Books



My dog just sat on my keyboard and came out with the next twilight book. Books



CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except winter and summer. And Autumn.” Calendar



People are going on about how the date 10/10/10 only comes once in 100 years…. umm doesn’t the date 9/10/10 or 11/10/10 also only come once every 100 years? Calendar



“I can’t believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.” Calendar



“Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F” calendar



March 4th… I like today’s date because it sounds like I’m telling people what to do. Calendar



“They say that the world will be over in 2012 because that’s when the Mayan calendar ends. My calendar ends this December, should I be worried?” calendar



“The government say I can’t get my pension yet, as I am only 22. I hate being born on a leap year… All my friends are 88.” Calendar



Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Calendar



“Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a tenner in the old man’s hat, If you haven’t got a tenner, then a fiver will do, If you haven’t got a fiver, Then feel free to come to Britain and get everything paid for you.” Calendar



“I’ve just bought a Monsters Inc. advent calendar. Every time you open a door it’s a different child’s bedroom.” Calendar



“I just saw a calendar for sale, “Michael Jackson 1958-2009”. I didn’t buy it, I wanted a 2010 calendar.” Calendar



Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month. Calendar



“I just opened the door to the most beautiful angel that I have ever seen. She was dressed in silk and she let me lick her all over. Shame it was the last door on my advent calendar.” Calendar



“I really want to win a lifetime’s supply of calendars. So I know when I’m going to die.” Calendar



I can’t wait till march 4th, it’s my favorite day because when people ask me what the date is it’s like I’m sending them into battle. Calendar



“I got the perfect calendar for 2010. A different girl posing in different positions each month. Shame I don’t support Liverpool.” Calendar



I’ll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars. Calendar



“First it was Black Friday, then came Kwanzaa and then Black History Month. If we’re not careful, they’ll steal the entire calendar!” calendar



“1000 places to see before you die 2013 – daily picture calendar Now I’m no mathematician but…” calendar



Why was I getting such angry looks at taking some pictures at Brittany Murphy’s wake? I think this 2010 calendar is going to look her hottest yet. Calendar



“We’ve been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said “Quick give it here, I want to see what day my birthday’s on next year”. After she finished she asked “Do you want to check what day yours is on?” “There’s no need” I replied “my birthday is the 9th of June every year”.” Calendar



“I’m so awesome and I have lots of friends!! Just kidding, April Fools! Sigh…” calendar



“I asked Microsoft online help if the had a chocolate bar with Caramel, NougArt and Hazelnuts. It replied “No Topics Found”” calendar



“Its Mayday today, apparently you are meant to rub your face in the morning dew. I only know a Muslim, does that count?” calendar



“I made my own advent calendar this year with a picture of my wife behind every door. I slowly open a door each morning just to remind her that there’s nowhere to hide.” Calendar



“Forgot about 10/10/10 10:10:10.. Well there’s always next time.” Calendar



“And don’t get the Jim Morrison Advent Calendar either. The Doors keep breaking on through to the other side.” Calendar



“The Calendar: Only for the week minded” calendar



“Everyone likes white snow. People put up with brown snow. Everyone hates black snow. There’s even racism in snow form.” Calendar



“Santa walked in on Mrs Claus having an affair. Hoe, hoe, hoe.” Calendar



“Hollister Sale – Socks; Was: 9.99 Now: 9.98” calendar



“I was driving the other day, when I saw a milkmaid in the street So I decided to Flora.” Calendar



Every time I write the date today I’m scared I’ll accidentally design a computer program. Calendar



“The doctor has told my wife that we have a high probability of having a cancer baby. By my reckoning it’s only one in twelve.” Calendar



“I got sacked from my job for complaining that all the calendars are a year behind for the third year running. Apparently, I wasn’t intelligent enough to work at the Calendar Recycling Factory.” Calendar



“My mate just spent an hour and a half sat in one spot desperately trying to put up a tent. Camping noob.” Camping



I think we should get some polar bears to help with the evictions at Dale Farm, I heard that they’re pretty good at clearing out campsites. Camping



“I promised my romantic girlfriend the other day that I would stay up with until we see the sun rise in the British countryside A week later I’m starting to fall asleep.” Camping



“After we all finished our main meal I asked the party if they’d like Baby Jellies. One young lady laughed ‘they’re Jelly Babies!’ Confusion was soon lifted when I brought out the dessert” camping



“I despise bears so imagine my horror when out camping in the wilds, I ran into one. Knowing it was me or him, I didn’t give him time to think and blasted him three times in the head with my hunting rifle. Even though I had escaped this time, my ordeal got a whole lot worse. Mrs. Grylls reported me to the Police and I’m now facing a murder charge.” Camping



“An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon Forest suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of blood thirsty Cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed this time!” Suddenly there is a ray of light from Heaven and a voice booms out, “No, you are not screwed. All you have to do is pick up that rock at your feet and bash in the head of the chief cannibal standing in front of you”. So the explorer picks up the rock and proceeds to bash the chief unconscious. As he stands over the body, breathing heavily and surrounded by hundreds of Cannibals with looks of shock and anger on their faces, God’s voice booms out again and says, “OK…..Now You’re screwed”.” Cannibals



Do Cannibals refer to homeless people as Free Range? Cannibals



“People make me sick. I guess I should stop eating them.” Cannibals



“Two Cannibals come across a missionary in the jungle. After killing the man, they decide to split the body evenly. “Look,” said one cannibal. “I’ll start at the head, and you start at the feet, and we’ll meet in the middle.” So the two begin to devour the man’s body. After a short while, the cannibal at the head looks up and says, “How’s it going down there?” “I’m having a ball!” replied the other. “No!” shouted the first cannibal. “You’re eating too fast!”” Cannibals



“Did you hear about the cannibal who only ate vegetables? He particularly like the ones with Down’s Syndrome” Cannibals



“My wife asked me if I thought we should have another baby. I said, “Slow down there love, the legs are still in the freezer. Let us finish this one first.”” Cannibals



“One of the things I really miss about my wife is the smell of her cooking. I have to admit though, she did taste rather nice along with the roast veg.” Cannibals



I believe it’s the child inside me which makes me a cannibal. Cannibals



“I turned up late to my cannibal convention they gave me the cold shoulder” Cannibals



“A cannibal returned from a holiday missing a leg. “What happened?” asked his friend. “It was self-catering.” he replied.” Cannibals



“I accidentally ran over a baby the other day. Which means legally, I can take it home for lunch.” Cannibals



Cannibalism means every fight is a food fight. Cannibals



“You are what you eat” should only apply to Cannibals. Cannibals



“Dilemma: An older mature woman or younger foxy girl? Clearly the latter. After all, Happy Meals are cheaper than Chardonnay.” Cannibals



Cannibalism. Putting the “EAT” in “DEATH”. Cannibals



“Note to self when informing the relatives of a murder victim that the killer was also a cannibal! Remember to tell them that we found remains, and not left overs.” Cannibals



“What do you call a bee that eats other bees? Hannibal Nectar.” Cannibals



“My friend and I met a girl in a club last night. We asked her if she was up for a spit roast. She was very keen on the idea. Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth.” Cannibals



Stephen Hawking – cannibal’s favorite meal on wheels. Cannibals



“I’ve just took the wife out for dinner. I’ll have her later, she’s got to defrost first.” Cannibals



“I love working in the abortion clinic. I’ve not had to go out and buy food for 6 months now.” Cannibals



“Hear about the vegetarian cannibal? He only eats swedes” Cannibals



“Let’s eat Grandpa! Let’s eat, Grandpa! Commas, save lives.” Cannibals



“Reuters: “British surgeons separate very rare conjoined twins”. I prefer mine well done.” Cannibals



If you ate yourself would you get fatter or just disappear? Cannibals



“When can Cannibals leave the table? When everyone’s eaten.” Cannibals



“I’ve decided that I’m anti-abortion. They taste better alive.” Cannibals



Cannibals – there’s a good person in all of them. Cannibals



“I’ve just had a urine test. Someone just phoned me up and said “You in?”” Cannibals



USA and Britain have finally apologized for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn’t certain African tribes apologize for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats? Cannibals



“My wife is always saying “Waste not, want not.” But then yesterday she said I was rude and tacky when I asked for a doggie bag! Anyway it turns out they don’t have them at the abortion clinic.” Cannibals



“My wife is busy cooking and I can’t wait. I’d say another hour or so before she’s tender. I’m starving.” Cannibals



“I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he’d once eaten a man’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Must’ve been a Hannibal Lecture.” Cannibals



“I managed to convince my best mate to let me spit-roast his wife last night. Unfortunately she was too much for us to eat in one sitting, but at least his Children will have something in their pack lunch tomorrow.” Cannibals



“I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one. It’s hard work sometimes, being a cannibal.” Cannibals



Cannibal: someone who really is fed up with people Cannibals



"Two Cannibals are talking. - I don't like my mother-in-law...- That's fine, mate, just eat the chips then." Cannibals



“What’s the Difference between an abortion and a McDonald’s big breakfast? The scrambled eggs from McDonald’s are inedible.” Cannibals



“My wife just got back from the butchers ….now which part should i eat first?” Cannibals



My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse Cannibals



Is cease fire just the American word for reloading? Cannibals



“My girlfriend says she can always smell feet in my house. Which is fair enough as I have 3 Tesco bags full of em under my bed….” Cannibals



“I’m personally neither for nor against abortion. But if one ever got offered to me on a plate I wouldn’t turn it down.” Cannibals



“I think I’ve had enough of my girlfriend. At least there is enough left for sandwiches tomorrow.” Cannibals



I bought a car off a cannibal earlier and got ripped off. Cost me an arm and a leg. Cannibals



“I don’t understand why the Crossbow Cannibal left over so many body parts of his victims! Maybe he’d bitten off more than he could chew!” Cannibals



As a cannibal, I often find the term ‘baby food’ very misleading. Cannibals



“As soon as I walked into the Cannibals’ dinner party, someone gave me handshake. It was delicious.” Cannibals



“What do Dyslexic Cannibals eat? Brians.” Cannibals



Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal Cannibals



“I didn’t know what to make of the salesman who called to my door earlier. So I went for an old favorite. With fava beans and a nice Chianti.” Cannibals



Do vegetarians count towards my 5 a day? Cannibals



“My girlfriend said that she wanted a fairytale relationship. So I ate her Grandmother.” Cannibals



“A cannibal says to his mate, “That bloke I just ate keeps repeating on me.” “What was his name?” His mate asks. “Dave.”” Cannibals



“I had some friends for dinner yesterday. We were snowed in and I had to eat something.” Cannibals



“I was always told to eat my vegetables. I still can’t get my wife’s screams out of my head as I tucked into our paraplegic son, Johnny.” Cannibals



“Two Cannibals are having dinner. “Your wife makes a great roast,” one of them says. “I know,’ the other replies, “but I sure am going to miss her.”” Cannibals



“I just got the new ginger version of Facebook today. It’s exactly the same but it removes all the friends’ options.” Cannibals



“My wife’s been cooking for just over an hour now. It serves her right for marrying a cannibal.” Cannibals



“People in work think I’m weird because I told them that I think babies smell nice. I didn’t even get the chance to add “after 3 hours at 150 degrees.”” Cannibals



“I was sat with a tribe of Cannibals when the chief’s daughter gave me the eye. I would have preferred a leg.” Cannibals



BBC News: Officials seek ways to double the number of tigers in the world. Just cut them in half.” Cannibals



A word of Advice, never accept a cup of Joe from a cannibal Cannibals



“It was when I made sausages on my work experience that I vowed never again to work in a cannibal’s butchers shop. What a way to make ends meat.” Cannibals



“My wife refuses to cook. I probably need to turn the oven up.” Cannibals



If I ever met a cannibal, I’d give him a piece of my mind Cannibals



I just can’t wait to see the look on the faces of the families when the rescue starts at the Chilean mine and they realize that there’s just one, very fat miner left down there. Cannibals



“My wife makes a nice sandwich. Next I think I’ll eat the mother-in-law.” Cannibals



I don’t mind a Chinese, but I couldn’t eat a full one though. Cannibals



“How do you make an abortion more interesting? Have it with chips!” Cannibals



“Did you hear about the Cannibals who decided to make a stew? They all had a hand in it.” Cannibals



“I find it hard to eat my five vegetables a day. Mongs are so hard to find these days.” Cannibals



“Once, we got seriously lost on a holiday, and eventually even had to resort to cannibalism to survive. It was tough, but our choices were either that or McDonalds.” Cannibals



“Me and my mate spitroasted this brilliant girl the other day. She cooked well, and tasted delicious.” Cannibals



“I always give my dog leftover bones from my dinner for him to chew on. As well as being a tasty snack, it also removes any last bit of DNA from the person they came from.” Cannibals



“I’ve just opened a Cannibal themed restaurant. We would love to have you for dinner.” Cannibals



“I was sitting among a tribe of Cannibals when one handed me a plate full of human digits. It was a finger buffet.” Cannibals



Nothing beats the taste of freshly baked cakes in the oven Cannibals



“I just bought a Chinese recipe book for Cannibals. It’s called, ‘Dead Man Wokking’.” Cannibals



“My Nan made a lovely dinner today with just cauliflower, peas and gravy. Not only healthy, but she tasted delicious.” Cannibals



“A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger. Slightly worried he asks the stranger “are there any Cannibals on this island?” At which the stranger replies “no, no, no don’t worry there aren’t any Cannibals here….. I ate the last one”” Cannibals



“Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table, got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife … Despite the best wine, the wife’s meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived …. That they weren’t into cannibalism.” Cannibals



“What’s the Difference between potatoes and people? I don’t eat the eyes of a potato.” Cannibals



“Scientists discovered two things today: A new diet-plan for Cannibals; And a cure for Anorexia.” Cannibals



“Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bite your head off”. It’s hardly something you do by accident, is it?” Cannibals



“What do Mexican Cannibals like to eat? Refried Beings.” Cannibals



I wonder if Cannibals are advised to try and eat five swedes a day. Cannibals



“My wifes been cooking for over an hour and still isn’t done. I need to take her out and check the stove.” Cannibals



At a Family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists. Cannibals



If the Crossbow Cannibal hadn’t bolted his food there would have been fewer leftovers to attract attention. Cannibals



Cannibals must love finger food. Cannibals



“They say you are what you eat, so how come I’m not a dead abandoned baby?” Cannibals



““Don’t put your elbows on the table, it’s rude”, said one cannibal to the other.” Cannibals



“Butchers pedigree chunks”, Quality dog food coated in a thick gravy sauce with minerals & herbs extracts.. “Made in china.” Cannibals



“My wife makes the best Sunday dinner. Until the kids noticed her tattoo on the roast.” Cannibals



Baby food tastes nothing like baby… Cannibals



“Finally got the ex. out of my system. Suppose it’s back to buying meat from the butchers again.” Cannibals



“I find it surprising there’s all this uproar about eating a couple of genetically mutilated cows and how dangerous and morally wrong it is. Come on, even if I had to do most of the work, a night with 2 slags from Norfolk can’t be that bad?” Cannibals



“Right then, checklist for tonight. Cianti. Check. Fava beans. Check Great. Now all I have to do is sit tight and wait for this census man.” Cannibals



“My mates call me Pepperami. Not because I’ve got a fiery temper. It’s because I ate my kids.” Cannibals



“Dedication. Sacrifice. Guts. Glory. You need all these to be an Olympian… or a cannibal.” Cannibals



“I saw a Department of Health poster in the waiting room at the doctor’s today. It showed two sunburnt Children on a beach with the caption, “Kids Cook Quick”. Nonsense. In my experience they take about 25 minutes per pound.” Cannibals



“Stallone’s son is dead? It’s a good job I’m a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork.” Cannibals



“Our local Age Concern shop had its shutters down today. I wonder if they were busy making Soy lent Green…” Cannibals



“A girl came up to me last night and said with a smile, “My mate wants a piece of you.” It wasn’t the best thing to hear at a cannibal party.” Cannibals



“I’m cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year. I know turkey is more traditional, but I’m sure she’ll taste alright.” Cannibals



If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea Cannibals



“I think that my daughter is becoming sick. She just doesn’t seem to be settling well in my stomach.” Cannibals



A friend has just come off holiday but he’s lost an arm. He said that he’ll never be going Self Catering ever again……. Cannibals



“You are what you eat. Be yourself.” Cannibals



“I’m the only guy I know who prefers big fat girls. But then again, I’m also the only cannibal I know.” Cannibals



“Don’t bother sending your Children’s toys to Africa. Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that’s going to outlive them?” Charity



“What bounces and makes kids cry? My donation cheque to Children in Need.” Charity



“I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don’t donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die. I can’t believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.” Charity



Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don’t have to give money to. Charity



If you’re struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month. Charity



Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a Charity tin. Charity



“I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff. I’ve just watched two hours of dying Africans.” Charity



“I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50 yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me. I did the obligatory look over my shoulder, look back at her, and point at myself whilst mouthing ‘me?’ routine, sighed and headed towards her. She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath. “Hiya! Are you OK?! My name’s Casa…” I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly, “When I was nine, I beat a puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbor’s conservatory.” Then I walked away, but not before screaming “RARGHH!” at some nearby pigeons.” Charity



“Despite the recession Comic Relief raised 57m. I’d love to see Lenny Henry’s face when my cheque for 55m bounces! Well worth the 40 quid charge.” Charity



Don’t spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence. Charity



“Comic Relief-Do Something Funny for Money. I pushed a paki in front of a bus then nicked his wallet.” Charity



“Have you heard of the ‘Computers for Africa’ Charity supplying the poorest regions with Computers and laptops to help with education? It must be nice for them to look forward to getting a virus which isn’t HIV.” Charity



“Due to the recession, I suggest ‘Comic Relief’ be renamed ‘Economic Relief’. Money raised would go to people shafted by the government, instead of AIDS-ridden Africans, paraplegics and spastics who clearly have nothing to live for anyway.” Charity



“Please give generously to Comic Relief. Just 30 000 is enough to send a washed up, B-list comedian and a film crew on an all-expenses paid holiday to Africa.” Charity



“TV: So please, dig deep into your pockets and give generously… I would, but they’re round my ankles at the minute.” Charity



For just 10 a month, you can reduce your annual salary by 120. Charity



“After watching Comic Relief and seeing all the poverty it’s made me realize how lucky I am. I got my 32 inch HD TV half price on the last day of the sale, it’s like the flies are actually in the room.” Charity



“I’m all for blokes growing a moustache for Movember. But did my wife have to join in.” Charity



“I shaved my eyebrows off for Charity. Turns out they would have preferred money.” Charity



With your help and continued support, from as little as 25 pounds a month, little orphan Mwogli can have 600 minutes and unlimited texts. Charity



“How do you kill an African child? Cancel the direct debit.” Charity



“I’m going to sit in a bath of baked beans on Red Nose Day. Not for money. Just a show of contempt at the starving.” Charity



“Tip for Charity collectors: Try standing outside Marks & Spencer and not Poundland.” Charity



“I didn’t give to Comic Relief this time. I’ve already donated over 600 quid to deprived inner city ethnic minorities this year. None of it voluntarily.” Charity



“Tired of busy city streets? Simply wear a bright jacket with a Charity name on the back and watch people swerve you.” Charity



“What smells of fish and sweat? Race for Life.” Charity



“Lenny Henry: “I’m going to send these kids to a better place to stay.” Premier Inn?” Charity



Following recent events, Haringey council has confirmed reports that they will not be helping Children In Need this year. Charity



“A quote from Sport Relief 2010: “Malaria is the biggest killer in Africa.” I think Robert Mugabe will have a thing or two to say about that.” Charity



“I took part in Comic Relief tonight. I got a hand job off a clown.” Charity



With the credit crunch upon us, I would like to thank all the charities for understanding and leaving us with free swing bin liners every week. Charity



“Last night, I Watched David Tennant crying, as he walked among the malaria patients. It really made me think. Is there no end to this man’s acting talents?” Charity



When it comes to Charity many people stop at nothing. Charity



“Joseph lives in one of the worst countries in the world. He cannot even afford an education. The hated government has recently reached a power sharing deal. However, it is corrupt with power and money and will not pay for an education. Only the very rich can afford to be educated. Just 9,000 will send Joseph to university for a year. Please, give whatever you can.” Charity



“I had a water fight with a few locals to cool everybody down yesterday. My bosses at Oxfam aid Relief said that water was for drinking and have pulled me out of Kenya.” Charity



“I’ve just got a Charity appeal letter from the NSPCC. For 2.00 a week, I can help STOP Julie doing things she doesn’t understand. I’ve also got one from the Mong Society where for 2.00 a week I can help Susie DO things she doesn’t understand. Why don’t they just swap homes?” Charity



“Do Something Funny For Money! I dressed up as a priest and stood outside a primary school with a camera…” Charity



“I was coming out of Marks and Spencers earlier when a woman walked up to me and waved a Charity box right in my face. How rude! I waved a tenner in her face and walked off.” Charity



“I just saw a Charity advert asking for money to help dig a well in Africa, I can’t understand why they can’t already do it themselves? I saw 6 spades in the picture alone.” Charity



Anybody else laugh on Children in need , When Cheryl Cole was pleading for money and was talking about how many people run away each year and they showed a disabled child with no feet ? Charity



“This woman knocked at the door this morning collecting for Charity. “It’s for homeless dwarfs,” she explained, rattling her bucket, “we’re building them a shelter in the town”. So I gave her some Lego.” Charity



“My manager told me that it was “dress down day” today, in light of Comic Relief. So I pulled Susan’s dress down.” Charity



“Say what you want about the Make a Wish foundation. But they know how to work to a deadline.” Charity



“In the battle for high street supremacy, asda and Tesco have bought a full row of shops between them to turn into supermarkets leaving a tiny gap between them only big enough for a Charity shop. Still, I suppose there`s room for scope. Sub note: Americans please note that scope is a shop where people take unwanted items for resale to help Charity. It is not a thing used for looking at British soldiers with.” Charity



I’ve been paying 2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year, I only missed 2 payments and they’ve just been round and broken my cat’s legs. Charity



“I just can’t help but finance the local spastic’s society. It’s fund-a-mental to me.” Charity



“I work in an office with 14 women and I am the only guy Tomorrow they have asked me to bake something for Comic Relief Rohypnol drizzle cakes! mmmmmmm….” Charity



You would have thought that after 28 years, some of these so called ‘Children In Need’ would have grown up by now. Charity



Do something funny this red nose day? Then why’d they arrest me for raping a clown? Charity



“An actual message from my train yesterday. “Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered Charity, failing that, give it to me!”” Charity



“An advert told me that some Children have to walk in excess of 30 miles a day just to get clean water. The man at the end of the advert said that I could sponsor a childlike Amita. So I did.

I’m giving her 30p a mile.” Charity



Is it just me or are Children only in need once a year? Charity



“Comic relief contradicts itself. One minute they are telling us to do something funny for money, the next, they are telling us to save black people.” Charity



“I hate it when I’m watching TV and the program gets interrupted by 30 seconds of a program being shown on another channel. For example, I was watching Comic Relief the other night, but every so often a bit of Crime watch kept appearing.” Charity



Just 2 more Red Nose Days and we will finally have enough to buy Africa. Charity



Is it just me, or do you think that some of the Comic Relief money sent to Africa, should be spent on condoms and the morning after pill? Charity



You know you’re going to be unemployed for life when you can’t get a job as a volunteer at a Charity Shop Charity



“Have you heard the latest Red Nose Day slogan? Do something funny for money I love Charity, so i robbed a midget and pushed him down the stairs” Charity



Donate two pounds a month to the NSPCC or little Tommy won’t be so lucky next time. I think it’s terrible how a Charity can resort to blackmail like that. Charity



“Apparently for just 187 per year I can help make sure that 11 year old Anita doesn’t have to walk 4 miles to get fresh water, cook, clean or look after her 5 younger brothers and I could give her a chance to be a child. 187? That’ll pay my water bill for a year. Unlucky Anita.” Charity



“I’ve been doing a lot of overtime lately, earning plenty of extra cash, so last night, after seeing an advert with those starving African Children with their bones sticking out & all the flies around their eyes, I thought I’d do the right thing I sponsored a snow leopard” Charity



“I love having Sky+. It means I can simply fast forward through all the annoying Charity appeals.” Charity



I don’t know why we should give money to Charity for Africans. They always seem to find enough money to get their heads shaved. When was the last time you saw one with long hair? Charity



“I was watching the T.V last night when an advert came on asking for a three pound donation for African Children. I thought to myself, why they are asking for three pound a month when they can obviously afford to have their teeth professionally whitened?” Charity



“My little boy asked me last night if Pudsey Bear was a pirate. Why? I asked. He said; well he has a patch over his eye and takes everyone’s money.” Charity



Red Nose Day – A time to give your missus that one free punch without being questioned. Charity



“This year’s Comic Relief raised the most money in its history. I didn’t see Dawn French, so maybe they saved quite a bit on the backstage catering.” Charity



Today I got stopped by 3 different Charity collectors in the street. By the time I got to the 3rd one, I said to them, ‘do you people think I’m MADE of excuses?’ Charity



“My mate was raising money for Charity and told me he’d entered me in the 1500m. I nearly ran a mile.” Charity



“I’ve been watching some of the Comic Relief tonight and it really me thinking… Does anyone else find the appeal videos funnier than the sketches?” Charity



If we donate this money, we’re not going to get these vuvuzelas again, are we? Charity



“I was watching comic relief last night and they said “no one in Africa has a decent job” but surely if a child dies every 15 seconds, undertakers must be rolling in it?” Charity



“I don’t know if I’ll be tuning into comic relief tonight. I watched it last year and thought those comedy sketches of Africa were a little in bad taste.” Charity



“I saw a Charity appeal on tv asking you to send 2 a month to build wells in Africa. One chap in the video had a 5 year old Chelsea shirt on. Glory hunter.” Charity



“Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr. Barnado’s it’s a scam. He died in 1905.” Charity



I donated to Charity yesterday…seems they prefer money to sperm though. Charity



“Cats and dogs will happily drink dirty water out of a puddle. Yet when Africans do it, I have to donate 2 a month.” Charity



Lenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here’s a suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife! Charity



Isn’t it ironic that UNICEF have a dinner to raise money for starving Children? Charity



“How has Walkers raised 1million pound for comic relief? By half filling their bags of crisps.” Charity



I refuse to donate to animal charities when I’ve seen their adverts on TV. If they can’t turn a talking dog into a money making machine then they don’t deserve my help. Charity



People say the West is decadent but Comic Relief showed us different. 100 can buy someone a basic shelter, so the 58million Comic Relief raised will buy some African warlord a huge palace! Charity



I want to bring awareness to the fact that disadvantaged Children from all over the country are being exploited on camera as part of a large-scale moneymaking scheme. Ringleader “Pudsey Bear” is still at large. Charity



“Watching Children In Need has made me feel really proud of my contribution. Without me they wouldn’t have had half of those stories about abused kids.” Charity



After years of thinking it wasn’t anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford. Charity



Wonder if Madonna has placed her order yet on Children in need Charity



“An African child dies from starvation every three seconds. On the plus side, that’s less money I need to give to Children In Need next year.” Charity



Some people in Africa walk eight miles every day, just to get away from Lenny Henry. Charity



“Children in need. The time of year UK houseflies get to see all their African relatives on tv.” Charity



Wow Lenny, I haven’t seen a black man look so good next to Cotton since my great grandfather’s plantation. Charity



“I had to keep restarting my TV during comic relief. Every time they showed a film my TV went black!” Charity



I for one am impressed with Jade Goody. In her suffering she has still found time to shave her head for Comic Relief. Charity



“Watching comic relief, there’s some depressing stuff on here that truly brings a tear to my eye. Little Britain and Catherine Tate in the same sketch….” Charity



You know you have a cruel streak when you put a pair of ladies trousers into a Charity collection bag destined for the Sudan. Charity



“If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I’ve got a large donation I need to make.” Charity



I’m watching ‘Children in Need’ and I’m wondering where all the British Children are. All I can see is Pakis and Blacks. That lot are just Children in need of a good Tsunami. Charity



“comic relief making famine even more funny” Charity



“Just done my Charity work for the year! Took a ginger out on a date” Charity



“Hugh Jackman is supporting a poverty campaign, encouraging the western world to try and live on just a pound a day. He looked really cool in his black limousine and Hugo Boss suit.” Charity



“I recently discovered that UNICEF don’t have a sense of humor. Apparently it’s not funny asking the wee kids with the big bellies: “When’s it due?”” Charity



“I was just watching Sports Relief on BBC1, and i couldn’t help but feel sorry for all the black, uneducated, AIDs ridden people that aren’t able look after themselves without our help. Poor JLS and Lenny Henry.” Charity



“Personally, I think people should go that extra mile for Charity. So while I was in Africa, I helped dig a well an extra mile away from the village.” Charity



“Just seen that advert about deaf and blind Children. Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf child into the world. But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of this world.” Charity



“I’ve just seen Susan Boyle singing on “Sport Relief”. Singing isn’t very sporty is it? Surely more people would pay up to see her try the Hurdles or something?” Charity



Whoever came up with the Charity “Computers for Africa” clearly misunderstood the meaning of an Apple a day. Charity



“I phoned the BBC and asked if Pudsey Bear could give me a donation, I said, “My legs are totally useless, I find it difficult to string a coherent sentence together and find it really hard to keep my food and drink down!” They said, “To qualify for a grant we need to know how the money will be used?” I said “It’s for the taxi home … … I spent all my money on Stella!”” Charity



“Manchester United have donated two replica Child Size football Shirts to be auctioned on Children in Need. Ian Huntley has bid 2 ounces of snout and a phone card.” Charity



“I just saw this awful video on Children in need. It read: “Kirsty is 4 years old from Hull, she regularly gets beaten by her father and is a punch bag for her drunk, drug addicted mother. So give us just 3 pounds to make a Difference in Kirsty’s life.” I can’t believe they would do that to a little girl, bringing her up in Hull.” Charity



“Seeing as its Comic Relief tonight, I thought I’d do something for money. I’m going to work.” Charity



“It’s good to see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for Charity and donating to the poor. Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell.” Charity



“Phoned up Children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was an orphan. Apparently it is not an auction.” Charity



“Whilst watching Crime watch earlier, I thought “This is more upbeat that usual” Then I realized that JLS were on Children in Need.” Charity



“I have decided to do my bit for Comic Relief this year and so far have raised over 200! However, is it wrong that I’m doing it by taking bets on how long Jade has left?” Charity



“I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND POUNDS! It bounced.” Charity



“As I sit here eating pringles, watching Concern ads on YouTube. I can’t help but think, what do i want for Christmas?” Charity



Just been arrested for masturbating on my local football ground, that’s the last time I attempt Sport Relief. Charity



“As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, “ What you doing? Stop it!” I said, “ I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it.” She said,” He didn’t. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria Charity.” I said,” Exactly. Drink and drugs!.”” Charity



“Why has a separate Charity been made for Haiti? What happened to the save the apes trust?” Charity



“Children in Need. I am in need of some Children myself. Maybe we can come to some sort of agreement?” Charity



“God must see my fat wife as a Charity. He seems to be giving her body 2 pounds a month.” Charity



“I think it’s so great how easy it is to help charities these days. Apparently, all I have to do is thumbs up this picture.” Charity



“A Charity bag for ‘Kidney Research’ just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note instead… The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retro peritoneum, The kidneys are paired organs with several functions. They are seen in many types of Animals, including vertebrates and some invertebrates. They are an essential part of the urinary system.” Charity



I wonder if we’ll see Xfactor reject Gamu Nhengu on tonight’s Comic Relief.. Charity



“I stand for Children. Well, part of me, anyway.” Charity



“If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need I would probably make a donation” Charity



“Terry, I watched those spastic girls drooling on Children In Need earlier and I raised 6 inches.” Charity



“BBC1 should explain the concept behind Sport Relief a bit better next time. I don’t think their executives can even begin to imagine how hard it has been trying to crack one out over Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen.” Charity



“I love Children in need, I only watch the really hilarious bits though, I turn it off when the comedians come on.” Charity



After 8 pints of lager, I rang the hotline for Children in Need, and told the lady to get her calculator out, while I pledged a seven figure sum; 5,318,008. She thanked me for being so generous but asked why such an unusual figure. I told her to turn the calculator upside down and consider her own unusual figure. Charity



“Last week, Comic Relief asked me to do ‘something funny for money.’ I went one better, however. I did nothing – for free.” Charity



“Thought I’d give donating sperm ago the other day. It turns out Oxfam arent as grateful for your help as they like to make out.” Charity



“The BBC are going to have a new fund raising event next year for people who have lost limbs. It’s called “hand relief”.” Charity



“Our son asked what we’d like as a Silver Wedding present, so I told him to surprise us, but hinted at a stay in one of those hotels that Lenny Henry goes to on the telly. So here we are in Ethiopia in a hut built entirely from cow dung.” Charity



Isn’t it a bit ironic how they’re trying to get us to slob around in front of the TV to watch sport relief? Charity



“If there’s one thing Comic Relief has taught me tonight. I need to get out more.” Charity



““SSPCA attack RSPCA over funds” I guess that it’s dog-eat-dog in the animal Charity world” Charity



I’m sick of watching films of ill Africans followed by the money rising. Can we see a body count? Charity



“Just bought a bottle of water and there was an interesting Charity message on the side; “One billion people in the world don’t have access to clean drinking water. You can change this. One person, one day at a time.” I don’t know about you guys, but I haven’t got a billion days to spare…” Charity



“Children In Need Babestation for Pedophiles” Charity



“I just had a leaflet posted through my door inviting me to what sounds like a very prestigious annual fashion event. Third World Clothing Collection is on Tuesday.” Charity



I try to donate to Charity, but they keep bringing my kids back. Charity



Haha, one of my colleagues has just come to work dressed as a woman for Children In Need. Congratulations, that was a very brave thing to do, Karen. Charity



“Tonight on BBC Children In Need – ‘Peter Andre delivers a tribute to Michael Jackson’ Hopefully in person” Charity



Children in need… A polite way of being asked “give me your money” by black kids Charity



If Children In Need really did make a Difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it every year. Charity



Stood outside Tesco with sign saying ‘Help for Heroes’; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street. Charity



“Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros. It appears there’s not much demand for second-hand smoke. Charity



““From just 2 a month you can help change someone’s life.” Well, it worked for Joe McElderry….” Charity



“Children in need: two of the ten beds are empty because they can’t afford to keep them open. So what did you do with the 39 million raised last year?” Charity



My parents died tragically when doing a Charity bungee jump, raising money for orphans. Charity



Is Comic Relief what Dawn French used to give to Lenny Henry? Charity



19 to help an old person at Christmas! I could save a snow leopard for 3!!!! Charity



“I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief. It must be really depressing for them to realize that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are better at running than them.” Charity



“I’ve decided to “Do Something Funny for Money” I pushed a Spastic over and knicked his pocket money. I haven’t laughed so much in ages.” Charity



I can’t give away my old clothes to the poor. They have enough to put up with without the add humiliation of wearing last season clothes. Charity



“Whenever Charity collectors knock on my door I just can’t say no… That’s why I slam the door in their face.” Charity



I’m sorry, but if JLS and Lemar are too selfish to send money home, I don’t see why I should feel guilty. Charity



“I was stopped in the street today by a Charity worker who said, “In the spirit of ‘Mo-vember’ will you grow a ‘mo’ to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men’s health?” I replied, “In the spirit of ‘November’, no.”” Charity



“For me, every day is Red Nose Day. Because I’m an alcoholic.” Charity



Why was Miranda HArt on Comic Relief? The unfunny bits are supposed to have African Children in them. Charity



“I’m off out after in my pajamas with a bucket going shop to shop, trying to raise some money for Children in need. My two want an Xbox 360 and a Nintendo 3DS this year.” Charity



Due to mankind’s abuse of the environment, the whale has now become an endangered species. However, YOU can help. For just 2 a month, you can a adopt a whale and ensure they don’t die out. To donate and help save the whales just ring me and ask for my wife. Charity



“Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services. There is a new one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them. The only downside is that they insist on putting disgusting pictures of kids with cancer on the side of the binbags.” Charity



“This year I’m going to take a leaf out of Harringey council’s book I won’t be helping Children In Need” Charity



“A Charity worker stopped me as I came out of Tesco today. She said, “Would you like to make a donation for Orphaned Children?” I said, “Yeah, why not. I’ve got a spare few quid in my jeans.” She said, “Thanks, your money will make a great Difference in Africa.” I said, “My jeans are in the car, wait there, I’ll just go and get them.”” Charity



“So I hear Jessie J will be performing for Children In Need this year with her hit Price tag. Well if it’s not about the money they won’t mind me not donating this year then.” Charity



“I had a cancer scare yesterday. A woman with a collection tin came towards me, fortunately I managed to cross the road before she got to me.” Charity



It’s not wife beating, it’s just constructive criticism. Charity



Every day is Red Nose Day with alcoholism. Charity



“I am ashamed to say that whilst watching Comic Relief last night, I found myself compelled to switch channels every time the side splitting humor was interrupted by the desperate black man trying to eke out a meagre existence. Lenny Henry, give it a rest next year.” Charity



“My job at the BBC is inviting guests onto our shows I sent an E-Mail to my “Celeb” group “Children In Need, are you available?” Instantly Gary Glitter replied “I’d love to come on Children In Need again”” Charity



“A friend of mine just updated her Facebook status to read: “Comic relief is starting, I should go get some tissues” “I already have mine” I commented back. She replied with “I didn’t know this kind of thing upset you so much” “It doesn’t”” Charity



“Just saw that NSPCC advert, the one where it shows a young black kid looking threw a bin bag for food. Poor thing…..Must be a terrible life, yano, not being smArt enough to look in the fridge.” Charity



BBC Children In Need – “There are disabled Children in every corner of the country needing your help!” Just because they are disabled don’t mean you should put them in a corner! That’s not right!” Charity



“It’s good of Sky to support comic relief. They keep putting a little red nose in the corner of the screen.” Charity



Is it just me that thinks asking Children to ‘do something funny for money’ is immensely inappropriate? Charity



“One of those clips of ill African Children just came on Coming Relief. My wife thought i was being all sensitive when I reached for a box of tissues. Well she couldn’t of been more wrong.” Charity



Watching sport relief and I see there is a lot about Adrian Chiles Shaving off his beard. In my opinion this isn’t that big a deal, I mean it’s not like he has much of one anyway. What I’d really like to see would be a Muslim shaving off his beard. Now that would actually be worth something. Charity



I went to the comic relief last night, and after realizing this was a once in a life time opportunity I reached over, put my hands down and stroked the red carpet a couple of times. I don’t think Ann Robinson was too pleased though. Charity



“I noticed a Charity box at work the other day with packets of sweets in. It was in aid for the Great Ormond St. Hospital Trust, and I also noticed the message “Please consider the Children this Christmas” was written on it. So I nicked a couple of packets for the kids at home.” Charity



“What’s red and not worth paying for? A plastic nose.” Charity



Am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit suspicious that if you send money via post to Children In Need, it needs to be sent to Liverpool? Charity



Save on the cost of a Comic Relief red nose by using the same one from last year. Charity



“It’s amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today. Chuggers: Charity-muggers. The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled kids in Africa. Well I made up a word of my own today. Chunts.” Charity



“I sponsored a little blind kid today. I tattooed “Fly Emirates” on his chest.” Charity



I’m devastated. I’ve just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian famine. Charity



“Comic Relief Does Glee Club” – With a machete I hope. Charity



“They’ve got Comic Relief on in the pub. I said to the landlord, “Hey mate, If I wanted to see some sad Charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids.”” Charity



“A black guy just said to me, “Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?” “Don’t you know,” I replied. “Shakespeare?” ……Quickest black eye I ever got.” Charity



“My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief, Masturbating over Hentai.” Charity



“Charity is like Incest. It begins at home.” Charity



“I’ve got a new job working as one of those Charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in the street. The man at the NSPCC told me they weren’t recruiting, but I kept him talking and eventually he realized it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day.” Charity



Apparently just two pounds a week will help support Nagic and his little brother. Why can’t Christian Aid run the CSA? Charity



Wow, Sport Relief? That’s nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his Family… Charity



Adrian chiles getting his beard shaved for sport relief id of rather given a fiver to see Christine’s beard shaved off!!!! Charity



Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team. Please. Charity



“Charity mugger: How about ten pounds a month for cancer? Me: Tell you what love, for fifty, I’ll give you gonorrhea” Charity



“Children In Need gets me every year. When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand why they went out looting in Totten ham.” Charity



I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a moustache. Charity



Charity: Where we give them aid, and they give us aids. Charity



“Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the weekend. In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe.” Charity



“A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for Charity this year. He is going to sit on top of a bonfire, whilst it is on fire. What a guy.” Charity



“Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn’t the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay’s alter ego Geraldine, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!” Charity



“3 quid a month buys helium balloons to lift starving Africans kids up and away. I can then use the anti-aircraft gun I bought with the overseas aid.” Charity



“Today’s the 150th anniversary of our local RNLI. This calls for a big celebration. I think we might be pushing the boat out tonight.” Charity



Just done my bit for Children in need, I loosened the cuffs on Maddie. Charity



“Just been watching Comic Relief and I found the footage of the impoverished and uneducated blacks really harrowing Why does the BBC continue to use Lenny Henry & Reggie Yates?” Charity



Gordon Brown’s acting is as useless as his left eye Charity



“My wife just had a call from a Charity asking her to donate some of her clothes to some of the starving people in the world. She asked “How will giving somebody clothes stop them being hungry?” Apparently they’re short of tents as well.” Charity



"Co-op fair trade chocolate is made up of 93% Fairtrade ingredients. Do they make their profit from ripping off the other 7%?" Charity



“I love Children in need. …What Charity appeal?” Charity



Watching those poor, mal-nourished African kids hasn’t half made me hungry!! Charity



“My Mrs. was sat watching Comic Relief when she shouts at me to pledge…. One thing letting her out the kitchen to watch TV but asking me to clean” Charity



“The benefits of Red Nose Day are already showing, 20,000 Ghanaians were seen on a trip to Wembley.” Charity



“There are so many more Charity adverts on around Christmas. Basically, Children in Africa are starving. Any money we can send they use to build wells and teach the people hygiene and farming techniques. It’s amazing really how little it actually takes… To make me change the channel.” Charity



“Children in need: more than a million Children in the U.K have a learning difficulty. But they don’t want your sympathy. Just your money then” Charity



“The tagline to the Charity Save the Children is “No child born to die.” Well, technically…” Charity



“I found a poo stain in my boxers tonight. It’s fairly standard when you buy underwear from a Charity shop.” Charity



“One of the things I love about this time of year is how those kind charities give out free bin bags through the letterbox. Thanks to Sue Ryder, British Heart Foundation and Children’s Leukemia Research for getting into the Christmas spirit. I have saved a fortune!” Charity



If you’ve never sent a pair of your dirty panties to a soldier, then freedom obviously means nothing to you. Charity



“Susan Boyle and Peter Kay in the same room at the same time? I suspect editing.” Charity



“A Charity worker stopped me in the street and said that some 8 year old gets paid 10 a month to make my shoes. Couldn’t help but think those kids have some skills…..I couldn’t even spell my name at 8 years old.” Charity



“I always do a spot of fund raising during the week. I call it work.” Charity



“I’ve been sponsoring a child in Africa for about 8 months now and I’m starting to get really annoyed. I mean, in all the photos I’ve been sent of little Keto, I haven’t once seen my name on the front of his shirt.” Charity



When I watch Comic Relief I always imagine I am bipolar. I sit all night watching celebrities making a fool of themselves and then a starving African baby comes on and always cheers me up. Charity



Nice to see nicklas bendtner making an appearance on comic relief. Charity



I think I’m being scammed. I give five pounds a month to a Charity. They’re committed to beating heart disease. All the diseases I can think of make it stop. Charity



“I phoned up the Samaritans today because I was feeling really depressed having been told I have a heart defect. They entered me into next year’s Marathon.” Charity



“I’m doing my bit for Children in Need. So far I’ve collected 100 and I’m keeping it. Well, I was a child once and I need the money.” Charity



“I was about to donate some money to help feed starving African Children, but decided I wanted another bag of maltesers instead. I love my life.” Charity



“My wife just posted on Facebook “The Pride of Britain Awards are on TV tonight, better get the tissues ready” I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought…….what time’s Hannah Montana on then?” Charity



After all the running around to collect the ten thousand pound that I raised for Children In Need for walking a whole fifty miles, I decided that I needed a car, lucky really. Charity



“I must have seen hundreds of Asians and blacks driving taxis this weekend in London which made me think… It’s nice to see Comic Relief is still working” Charity



I hate the fact that they punctuate the comedy with serious unfunny sketches during Red Nose Day. My sides were splitting as I watched lots of black babies dying of Malaria when they spoiled it by sticking Michael McIntyre on. Charity



Just watching the footage of poor starving African kids on TV….makes you wonder how they manage to afford a fresh buzz cut but can’t afford to buy their lunch… Charity



““Well, I’m not so sure…” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion.” Charity



It think it’s a nice added touch how the BBC and Oxfam take starving Children, then make them drink from filthy water and stand still with flies on their face just for an advert. Charity



““If we don’t receive 30million in donations over the phone by 2am then kids all over the world will suffer.” No, not Children in Need, I’ve rounded up a few friends over the internet and we’ve begun taking hostages.” Charity



Comic Relief; because seeing people less fortunate than us is funny. Charity



“My wife is sat on the sofa downstairs with a box of Kleenex, sobbing her heart out watching Comic Relief. I’m led on the bed with a box of Kleenex for an entirely different reason. I’m also watching Comic Relief.” Charity



Berbatov donated 1 pound for every yard he’s covered this season. Comic Relief were very thankful for the 3 pound donation. Charity



“It’s 1.20am in the morning and I’ve been watching BBC’s Comic Relief for over six hours. All these people donating hundreds of pounds of their own money and I must admit that I feel disgusted in myself. I should have gone to bed about 10pm, as I’m in work for 6am.” Charity



“Coming home from the pub, I noticed this poster in the window of the Oxfam shop : “ Think of starving Children in Africa “ So , after mulling it over , I broke in and robbed the place” Charity



“Mohammed’s Family can’t afford a new cooker. So the government gave them a new 7 bedroom house, fully furbished and funded by the taxpayer. To Donate to Immigrants in Need, call 03457 33 22 33.” Charity



After the success of the “Help our heroes” Charity campaign, I would like to ask for donations of kids underwear, Books, toys even sweets for my “Help our paedos” campaign. Charity



Ahh comic relief, the only day where i can laugh at minority races and not get called racist. Charity



Every time I click my fingers…my PA brings me and cappuccino. Charity



“I knocked one of those Charity collectors out in town today because she wouldn’t stop bothering me. I couldn’t care less about victims of domestic violence!” Charity



“Whilst watching the pictures of the starving African kids on Sport Relief the other night, I was choked. No not emotionally, I was halfway through the contents of a KFC bargain bucket, when a chicken bone got stuck.” Charity



“Watching Lenny Henry on Comic Relief and I keep wondering. Did he pick Cotton?” Charity



“I love the skits they do on Comic Relief. My favorites are the ones with the Africans.” Charity



November – the month of the year when a load of desperate attention seekers grow a moustache in the thinly veiled presence that they are doing it for Charity, when actually they think it will get girls to talk to them. Charity



“My wife’s upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa. “You promised to take care of my sister’s Children after she died!” she screamed.” Charity



“I was in town earlier when a woman with a Charity tin came up to me and said “Care to help Children with cancer?” As much as I’d love to, I don’t really have the capital funding or the Technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth. So I gave her a cigarette.” Charity



I’m doing my bit for Children In Need, I’m feeding them through the cage tonight. Charity



“Surely I wasn’t the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay’s alter ego Geraldine on Comic Relief, and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!” Charity



“The Beatles: “All You Need Is Love.” Someone let Comic Relief know.” Charity



“I was walking past a beggar this morning when he said, “Excuse me mate,. I haven’t eaten for 4 days.” So I said, “ Go on, and force yourself.”” Charity



Watching these starving Children on Comic Relief is making me hungry Charity



“These days I can’t walk down the street without constantly being stopped and asked for my autograph. It’s not that I’m famous, I just can’t seem to avoid the Save the Children chuggers.” Charity



Walking in London these days is like a mine field. I mean I went out down Oxford street and by the time I got home I had sponsored 3 Africans , 2 Asians and been given enough leaflets to start my own recycling plant. Charity



“All this talk about “Children in need” and not one mention of poor Madeline McCann. She must have ran out of condoms by now.” Charity



Charity muggers, the words now been shortened to “Chuggers”, well, I’ve got a word for em… CHUNTS! Charity



Is it me, or are these malaria nets getting more expensive…. Charity



I’ve not been able to insult my wife since starting my new job with the Charity “The Dogs Trust” as we never put a dog down! Charity



“I and my son were stopped in the high street today by a woman and man from cancer research asking for donations. “I don’t have much money,” I said. “Just give what you can go without,” they replied. “Okay then,” I said, “son, meet your new parents.”” Charity



“I don’t see why I should have to sit through depressing films about starving Children in Africa, just because it’s Sport Relief. I’m the one paying, surely they should be forced to watch films about how great my life is?” Charity



“A woman knocked at my door today asking if I’d be willing to give just 2 pounds to a 6 year old African orphan. I said I’m no ogre love, if he works hard enough he can have a fiver.” Charity



I just donated 2,000 pounds to Sport Relief, no not because I’m a nice person, I just want to pay for the guns they will use to kill each other with Charity



“Wanted to do something for Comic Relief this year as I have never donated before, so i decided to donate a tenner for every goal Torres scored for Chelsea between him signing for them and today. Oh well, maybe next time” Charity



All of these Kenyans are so poverty-stricken…yet they still have a team in the Cricket World Cup? Charity



“I’m supporting race for life this year. By standing at the starting line with a machine gun” Charity



“I see David Beckham is among the celebrities promoting the latest ‘Books for Kids’ campaign. It’s brilliant. I swapped all my John Grisham novels for a cute 10 year old girl.” Charity



If Denis the Menace tosses me off, is that Comic Relief? Charity



All these kids in Africa, no money for food but they must have lots of money for beer, they all have beer belly’s Charity



“Comic Relief…. There’s going to be some sticky marvel comics tonight!” Charity



I just sent all of my Spiderman and Batman magazines to Africa. Think I got the wrong idea about comic relief. Charity



My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander… Charity



“What’s a bear’s favorite Charity event? The 40 Hour Salmon” Charity



People give chuggers a hard time, but the job is not easy. I have enormous sympathy for them, so, every so often, I make eye contact. Charity



“I walked out of Tesco and a guy collecting money said, “Would you like to help feed the hungry today?” I said, “Yes. That’s why I just went shopping.”” Charity



“I’ve just done my bit for water aids “Big dig” appeal. I punched my wife in the face.” Charity



For sport relief every footballer has donated a week’s wages, so we decided to buy Africa. Charity



“I had one of those plastic bin liners posted through my door today asking for unwanted clothes for Charity. It’s great for storing all those bin liners for unwanted clothes for Charity.” Charity



“I’ve just seen 4 poor black kids who look like they need a real good feeding, like the ones on the advert for Children in Need, Poor kids… Oh wait, its JLS.” Charity



All comic relief has gone on about so far is cateracts, it’s not like they’ve got tellys or fit women to look at. Charity



“I love a bit of comic relief, me. But then, I have got a clown fetish.” Charity



“So, Comic Relief have raised over 20m yet again. Surely this year they’ll spend some of it on fly spray for those poor Ethiopians!” Charity



“I’m going out to spend the day having my photo taken kissing and hugging all the Children I can find without any fear of being arrested. I love my Pudsey Bear costume.” Charity



“I tried to help out my favorite Charity by donating 30 bags for life. Apparently make-a-wish foundation deem this as highly inappropriate.” Charity



“I saw a soldier, with an arm missing, collecting for the “Help The Hero’s” Charity today. I just stood in front of him and applauded loudly, not because he’s brave or that he is collecting for a good cause, just to make him jealous.” Charity



“I saw a Charity Collector in town today with a hunched back. Her coat had “Aspinall Foundation” on it. Seemed quite appropriate, really.” Charity



“I do a lot of stuff for Charity but I don’t like to talk about it. It’s much easier to boast by blogging, tweeting and Face booking about it.” Charity



When my wife asked me to sponsor her in aid of breast cancer for sport relief, I ran a mile. Charity



Comic Relief – Even all the way from Africa they find a way to mug you. Charity



“The wife was having a go at me. “Life’s just one big joke to you, isn’t it.” “I don’t know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let’s talk about it.” That’s when I pulled her chair away.” Childish



“I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being Childish. What does she know? She’s just a stinky poo face.” Childish



“The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself. I type “5318008” into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself.” Childish



“My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up… So guess who is not allowed in my tree-house now!” Childish



“Got arrested at Heathrow last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.” Childish



“My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or the girl one?”” Childish



“Today, my girlfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our relationship, during which I took the time to make a napkin monster and attack her with it. I think it went really well.” Childish



“My Girlfriend: I can’t do this anymore you’re too Childish. I think I need a break. Me: Have a kit-kat?” Childish



“I was telling some sheep jokes the other day. But none of them laughed and one just ran away going “baa.”” Childish



“How many immature teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Your mum.” Childish



“I decided it was time to tell my 8 year old son he’s adopted. The wife didn’t approve, but I can’t resist a good prank.” Childish



“My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn’t know how to react……so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.” Childish



“I and my mate double teamed my daughter last night. She ran away crying saying it was the most unfair wrestling match ever.” Childish



As a keen environmentalist, I, like most people, only wash my hands when there’s someone else in the bathroom at the same time. Childish



And there we were, 2 against 2000… boy did we slaughter those 2. Childish



“Mum: What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday? Boy: Football Mum: But your grandma doesn’t play football! Boy: On my birthday she gave me Books.” Childish



“I got a detention at school today after responding to the teacher with “that’s what she said”. She then proceeded to tell me to think long and hard about what I do in life. I now have another detention.” Childish



“I have fancied this girl at work for some time but never really spoke to her too much, finally I plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink and she said to me “I like a gentleman with a sophisticated sense of humor, I have a boyfriend already and he is much wittier than you could ever be” I was angry and thought carefully for a moment before my response…… “Well your boyfriend is a big smelly poo poo head”” Childish



“I texted my wife today saying “I love u”. She replied “Oh, really? :)” And I said “Yes, it’s my favorite vowel”.” Childish



“To stop her four-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it’ll make her fat. “I won’t do it any more, Mummy,” says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mummy?” “You’ll be fatter than that,” says her mother. They get on a bus and, sitting opposite them, is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can’t take her eyes off the woman’s belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl. “Excuse me, but do you know me?” And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you’ve been doing!”” Childish



Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of their most junior officers. Childish



“My mate called me Childish the other day, so to prove him wrong I made him eat his own words, By spelling them out in alphabetic spaghetti” Childish



“I like to stand near ATMs. When somebody types in their pin number I shout, “Got it!” and then I run away.” Childish



“After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the guy who killed her got caught so quickly! I mean, why hide the body in a tent?” Childish



I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him down. I think saying “you’re small, ugly and smell” wasn’t quite what she meant. Childish



“Finally. . . I’ve been staring at those After Eights all day.” Childish



If they ever do manage to find Wally, will he be shot in the head and buried at sea as well? Childish



“My girlfriend told me she gives up and can’t see me anymore. I rule at Hide & Seek.” Childish



“How do you make a girl cry? Tell them they came second in Britain’s Got Talent” Childish



“We used to run around in the neighborhood playing games like ‘War.’ I’m not proud of that. We lost some good kids.” Childish



Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off. And then a turn on again. Childish



I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop. Childish



“There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.” The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, and whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest hands the lady $1 and says… “Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”” Childish



I have always wanted to be a comedian………….but I’m scared of being laughed at. Childish



“I brought my kids some crayons yesterday… It was a present to make my kin scrawl.” Childish



“The Head Teacher of my local school asked me to perform a magic trick for the kids in wheelchairs the other day. So I climbed a ladder.” Childish



“What’s grey, got 4 legs and a trunk? A mouse going on holiday.” Childish



“Last week in the UK a five year old child was shot dead with an air rifle. Have you ever heard of a more appropriate time for the phrase “I told you it would end in tears.”?” Childish



“A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, “Why don’t you go over the road and see how Old Mrs. Brady is?”. After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad, “Mrs. Brady’s very cross dad, she says it’s none of your business how old she is.”.” Childish



“This is a true story which happened on the M1 a short while ago: A police officer had found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. Ten year old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “Tips” and a bucket at his feet, full of change.” Childish



“I don’t think it’s fair for my wife to call me immature. Fair enough, I did purposely buy the same telly as my neighbors so I could stand outside their house and change their channels with my remote, but who doesn’t?” Childish



Got young Children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time… Childish



“I don’t like cheesy jokes… They aren’t mature enough.” Childish



“Knock Knock Come in…. Well this is awkward” Childish



“My mom told me it’s about high time I grew up and become independent I nearly choked on her breast milk!” Childish



“Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely. Time wasters welcome.” Childish



“My wife said to me, “I’m sick of you being very immature. Any more of it and I’m leaving you.” I said, “I’m sorry.” She said, “Well at least you apologized.” I said, “No, I just farted, hehe.”” Childish



“If you ever want a bit of a laugh then tell a bunch of builders that there is a group of students going around dressed as coppers and winding everybody up. Then ring the police and tell them there are a group of students dressed up as builders vandalizing your street. Sit back and enjoy.” Childish



“Boss: “I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but I’m going to have to let you go, your immaturity in the workplace has gone too far, and quite frankly you’re just plain obnoxious and Childish” Me: “I know you are but what am I?”” Childish



“My Girlfriend left me, claiming that I was just too Childish. So I flicked a bogey at her” Childish



“Humpty dumpty sat on the wall Humpty dumpty had a great fall all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put humpty together again. It’s a pity they let the horses try first, resulting in the further smashing of the intact pieces the army could have put together with some superglue.” Childish



“My wife left me last night for using too many abbreviations I was like wtf?” Childish



“The government’s committee for dealing with emergency events is called “COBRA”. With a name like that, I bet they meet up in a tree house, have a ‘No girls allowed’ rule, and give each other codenames like “Nighthawk” and “Big Dog”.” Childish



“Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don’t have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined…” Childish



“Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need medicine.” Childish



Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying Childish



“My wife keeps telling me to grow up. Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my power ranger stilts arrive in the post.” Childish



“My mate told me I was unoriginal, so is his mum!” Childish



“My friend told me i was Childish and immature the other day but then so is his mum!” Childish



Just had a 9 to 5 shift at child line it was the hardest 8 hours of my life. Childish



“I tagged my mate in a photo on Facebook. He reported me to our boss in ASDA and now I’m no longer to be trusted with the price gun.” Childish



“Are you smArter than a ten year old? Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it will probably end up with me getting fisted…” Childish



“I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them outside in the woods. How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone.” Childish



“My mate was named after his father. They called him “Dad”.” Childish



“I told the wife I was going to a fancy dress party as one of the Seven Dwarfs. She said. “Don’t be stupid.” Silly cow thinks that was one of them.” Childish



My wife called me immature today. So I told her to look down her blouse and spell the word A-T-T-I-C out loud. Childish



“I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store followed by a full description of what the child was wearing. Bit like ‘Scramble’ but for Pedophiles!” Childish



“I’m the kind of guy who laughs in the face of adversity. Mostly other people’s.” Childish



“Even though I’m a monster, I find it hard to fall asleep. I always feel like there’s something on top of my bed.” Childish



“How’s the treatment for compulsive lying going? Brilliantly.” Childish



“My friend recently sent me a ‘chain letter’ so I decided to show you all our email conversation – “if u don’t send this chain 2 10 people in the next hour u will see a dead gurl in ur bedroom tonight’ “Oh great! She’ll fit in nicely with the other two there!”” Childish



“I always have a bit of banter with the professor who lives next door, but this morning he turned round and said that my ripostes, “reflect a personality that too readily regresses into inane juvenile protestations.” I said, “No, that’s you.”” Childish



You know you truly still are a child when you take an orange segment, put it in your mouth and pretend you’re a boxer. Childish



How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades. Childish



“It’s cute when your child comes home from nursery and tells you that she’s got a new boyfriend… …this changes however, when you find out that he is older than you…” Childish



Apparently, I always put Childish phrases into sentences when they are not needed, well that’s what she said. Childish



Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I’m going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, “Help, need ride.” Childish



“I hate working in a posh school. Roll call is the worst. “Tarquin” “Sir” “Wilton” “Sir” “Emency” “Sir” “Tarquin Wilton Emency Phillips Boucher! Please stop interrupting me!”” Childish



““I got ripped in 4 weeks” Oh and I see you got a face lift while you were at it.” Childish



“As I stared through the bars of my cage, I was surprised to see the witch eating her own house made of sweets. Then I realized that it must be that time of the month.” Childish



“Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? Because it was chicken” Childish



“Everyone said me and the wife were way too young and immature to get married. Joke’s on them. We’re expecting our third Tamagotchi in a week’s time.” Childish



“Critics said my career as a comedian was over. “That’s just your opinion”, I quipped. They were right.” Childish



““What is wet, slippery and smells?” “Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner table!?” “Well we are eating pickles…..”” Childish



“It’s my girlfriend’s birthday in a couple of weeks, I really don’t know what to get her. We’ve been together for nearly 8 years. I just don’t really know what 8 year olds like.” Childish



“My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more. I said, “I can’t, because the rear child safety locks are on!”” Childish



“Why couldn’t the pirates play cards? The captain was standing on the deck” Childish



“If i was down that mine, in a big, dark cave, Hide & seek anyone?” Childish



“Justin Bieber’s Hair cut: 45 Justin Biebe’rs Wardrobe: 150 Justin Bieber’s talent: Worthless For every ‘Tard, there is a Master ‘Tard.” Childish



I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won. Childish



“People look at me strange when I buy tampons at the supermarket. “They’re for the wife,” I say patiently, as I pack them away. Then I readjust my DArth Vader helmet and walk out all dignified like.” Childish



“It really amuses me when people approach my car door and I pull away then stop halfway down the street, and pull away again. I know it’s Childish, but it gets rather boring being a taxi driver.” Childish



I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Childish



BBC News – Donagh victims ‘Forgotten about’ Erm… Who?” Childish



“What do you get when you cross a cow with an Arab? Milk Sheikh” Childish



“I don’t get all these 10 year olds being teased for not having a date. I mean, when I was their age I was shunned for not knowing how to do an arm fart.” Childish



“I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep. But I’m afraid they’ll Sue.” Childish



“As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me: “Isn’t it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we’re out” I said, “I know exactly what you mean, ever since I’ve had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when we’re out!”” Childish



“After my dinner guests complaining my Stir Fry was a little salty, I went back to the kitchen to see where I could have gone wrong. “ahhhh” I thought that’s it as I read the recipe book, Step 4-Toss in the pan. They should really be clearer.” Childish



“My girlfriend said that I “don’t ever take anything in my life seriously”. “This is not true”, I said, “but I can’t prove you wrong right now, I have an important phone call to do”. “Who you gonna call?” she asked. “Ghostbusters”, I said and giggled. We had some beautiful times together…” Childish



Can you say ‘Iced Ink’ 5 times fast? Childish



“My boss stopped a meeting today due to my ‘disruptive behavior’, he pulled me to one side and told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalized. I couldn’t help but laugh; ‘penalized’ sounds a little bit rude.” Childish



“I used to be a safe driver, but I give up. After all , who wants to drive a safe.” Childish



“My mate told me I was really slow yesterday when we were in the pub. I quickly came back with “Your mum’s really slow.” Unfortunately he couldn’t hear it as he had left hours ago.” Childish



“My local sperm bank is having a Pancake day fund raiser. All I could think was who would give a toss?” Childish



“We’ve spent years trying to make a baby, but me and the wife have stuck together and finally made one. It’s the hardest Airfix kit we’ve ever done.” Childish



A Swedish comedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an interactive tombstone called die Pad. Childish



“What’s yellow and can’t swim? A Bulldozer.” Childish



“My wife accused me of being Childish as we left the fair, so I wouldn’t let it go. “Alright, you’re not Childish, but for God’s sake let it go will you?” my wife moaned. “Not until you say you’re sorry and that I’m not Childish” I replied. “Ok, I’m sorry and you’re not Childish, now please, just let it go” she sighed. Satisfied she meant it and with a smug grin on my face, I wound down the car window and finally let my Mickey Mouse helium balloon go.” Childish



I’ve just bought a Fairtrade chocolate bar from my local shop. You can almost taste the happy Africans Childish



Ageing – Paedophiles worst nightmare. Childish



“My mum said that if I don’t stop acting like such a child I will never amount to anything. Then she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight I might add.” Childish



I’m the type of guy that likes to hold a plastic gun to an ATM when I draw out cash. Childish



“Sometimes my friend’s don’t get me. It’s like I’m not even playing tag with them.” Childish



“Breaking news: An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor. The next of Kinder have been informed.” Childish



“My wife thinks that I’m too Childish and says that if I don’t get down from on top of the wardrobe she is moving out. I’m the one that is safe from the hot lava.” Childish



“People say my jokes are quite cheesy… Personally, I think they’re quite mature” Childish


My girlfriend told me all I’m getting for Christmas is an empty sack. jackpot! Childish



“The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging. That’s fine, just as long as she doesn’t expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump.” Childish



“Things are getting a bit Childish in here. Come on, Teddy, we’re leaving.” Childish



My 10 year old son came up to me today and asked “daddy I hate it when I go to the toilet and my Willie dangles in the water at the bottom” man I need a DNA test. Childish



“I have girls crawling at my feet! Yeah I work in a disabled home” Childish



I was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size, which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44. Childish



“I’m sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends. She hasn’t even met them. What right does she have to call them stupid, Childish and imaginary?” Childish



I started to charge my phone earlier…. until the wife said, “Take that kids plastic Viking helmet off your head and STOP pretending you’re a bull.” Childish



“My girlfriend accused me of being Childish and argumentative. I said, ‘No I’m not, you are.’ Shut her up.” Childish



“What do you call an up-to-date raisin? Currant.” Childish



“During my volcano expedition I had to avoid stepping on the lava at all costs. Until mum came in, and said to stop pretending that the carpet is molten rock and to put the cushions away.” Childish



I thought that ‘Snap’ was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the cards down face up. Childish



“If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning. She argues that she would have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulantly.” Childish



“People say Google suggestions are always correct. So how come I never get any suggestions when I’ve typed in ‘Child p’?” Childish



Roses are red, violets are blue, what I thought to be Vaseline turned out to be glue Childish



ITV 1 6.30pm: You’ve been framed! Kids edition Sickipedia 6.30pm: 0 users online” Childish



People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars. Childish



“I stuck a label on my roommates back saying “I sleep with kids” as he was heading out for his first day of work. He later got sacked from the nursery.” Childish



“I’m currently spying on my neighbor on my bike, thinking, that’s my bike” Childish



If you’re addicted to immature calculator jokes, call our helpline: 58008 5138008 Childish



My wife said to me “I’m leaving you, you’re the laziest man I’ve ever met. I’ll be back tomorrow to collect my stuff” “Please don’t babe” I begged “Come back Monday instead. It’s your turn to take out the bins.” Childish



“My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I’m obsessed with retro Children’s TV shows. I dropped a Clanger.” Childish



“My wife threw me out for being too Childish last night. God knows how she knocked down the walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me.” Childish



“My wife just caught me flicking our daughter’s bean. I don’t care though, they’re really fun when they jump about.” Childish



Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It’s about time he grew up. Childish



“My wife said she’s leaving me ‘because my displays of immaturity over the course of our relationship number too many to recall’. Heh heh heh. She said ‘number two’.” Childish



“My wife had the cheek to call me “Immature”. Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same time so now she’s Jinxed!” Childish



“My girlfriend walked in and said I’m too Childish for her. I nearly chocked on my lego.” Childish



“I was sat in my police car when I got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and I ended up getting him in a very painful arm lock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out with a left hook. For some reason, my 6 year old doesn’t want to play with me anymore” Childish



“My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says it’s time for me to grow up, and stop living like I’m a teenager in the 90’s. What among…” Childish



It’s got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don’t have to talk to my wife. Childish



“A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the Family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating. They are all enjoying the dinner when the daughter turns to the father and says, “This is lovely, dad. What is it?” “Your mum,” says the dad. The daughter says, “I think you’re a bit old for Childish remarks, dad.”” Childish



“Why is it when you say I love Children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird I love 8 year olds” Childish



“I and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I’m ‘too Childish’ for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa. The next morning, she came downstairs all apologetic. However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created.” Childish



Just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The men’s room was open, but i just wanted to show them ladies who’s boss. Childish



“My wife said to me, “I can’t stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in my shoes.” I said, “No thanks, I’m not your size.”” Childish



I’m the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool. Childish



“After years of narrowing down the different types of human pattern scientist have finally narrowed it down to two. 1) The 9-5: living by the system finding a girls settling down getting married, kids, the works. 2) Call of duty.” Childish



Nothing says Chav better than ‘Man throws ex’s hamster out of first floor council flat window’. Childish



““Doctor Doctor! I think I’m a deck of cards” “I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery”!” Childish



“Having not lost a tennis match in 4 years, I was furious at losing today with the umpire making some terrible decisions. “For crying out loud Dave, Luke is only 7, letting him win just once won’t kill you” said the wife.” Childish



Entered a farting contest the other day. Mine wasn’t the best but it wasn’t to be sniffed at. Childish



“With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. “Look, they’re small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command” …. “Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that’s not exactly what I had in mind..”” Childish



I’m not superficial. I try to be nice to ugly people. In case I ever need someone to babysit on short notice. Childish



Unicorns aren’t extinct – they just gained weight and are now called rhinos Childish



“Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday.. That`s when he became a builder..” Childish



“If you were unlucky enough to lose your thumb….. Would the bottom of your sandwich fall off?” Childish



“The missus puts a smile on my face every morning…. But it’s nowhere near as neat as the specs and tash I put on her while SHE’S asleep! Biro’s ROCK!!!” Childish



“I and the Mrs. were having another fight so I demanded she got off my back. I was in no mood to give her or anyone else a piggyback.” Childish



I’ve lived a life full of mistakes…I mean regrets. Childish



“Who’s boss of the pencil case? The Ruler.” Childish



“This bird was flirting with me in the pub. “I wear a DD bra,” she whispered. “That’s OK,” I said. “I wear Tum-Tiddly-Um underpants”.” Childish



“My mom lost her credit card today, she accused everyone of taking it and got everyone really stressed, a Family friend asked her, after an hour of looking, if it was in her bra. Long behold she pulled it out and we all laughed at her. We never found that card..” Childish



“I had to leave the army because my Childish commanding officers kept getting me in trouble. Major Look and Major Stare.” Childish



“How do you stop a baby exploding in the microwave? Stab holes in it.” Childish



“World Book Day next week and you’re supposed to dress up as someone from a book. I’m dressing up as myself, from Facebook.” Childish



“I was having a discussion with my wife today. She was going on about how I was too immature and Childish for her and that she thinks we should terminate our marriage. “If you ever grow up, come and find me.” she said, “But right now, it’s over”. I broke down into tears at this point. As I hadn’t laughed so hard in years.” Childish



“What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin? You get an electric current.” Childish



“I’m going to open a bar called Rapunzel’s. That way the ladies can really let their hair down.” Childish



“My mum said I’ll be in shock at uni because I’m too Childish. That’s pathetic, just because I didn’t let her in my castle to play with my dragons.” Childish



If your parents never had Children, chances are you won’t either Childish



“Not got Children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.” Children



“A guy asks his girlfriend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car – a Lamborghini Countach – she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it. One day, she picks up her kids from school. She’s got a boy and a girl. As she’s driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, “Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham.” The doctor replies, “I’m so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won’t be able to kick a football anymore.” The woman asks about her daughter. “Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon.” The doctor says, “Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won’t be able to pick up a racket anymore.” She begins to cry. “Doctor,” asks the woman, “how long have I been in this coma?” The doctor replies, “Six months.” “So what’s the date?” asks the woman. “April 1st,” says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh “So you were joking then, were you?” Doctor: “YES… they both died on impact.”” Children



“I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered that she died last year. Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too.” Children



“I couldn’t get to sleep last night. There were loud noises outside, and I kept tossing and turning, but I just couldn’t get comfortable, I was hot, then freezing, then itchy, it was unbearable. Then I thought of the Children in Haiti who have been forced to sleep on what’s left of their streets.. And then I thought, great, now I have an erection to add to my list of distractions.” Children



I’ve got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names, I know. Children



“The other day my six-year-old son said: “When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on Sickipedia.” I said: “You can’t do both.”” Children



“Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of Children came up. The bride said she wanted three Children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.” Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”” Children



“A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running wild all day. She asks if he would take them out for a pizza. He told the kids to go into the garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs. The guy comes back into the house and asks “Where’s my pizza?”” Children



“When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.” Children



“A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a 2 pound coin in one hand and two 50ps in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the two 50ps and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two 50ps instead of the 2 pound coin?” The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, “Because, the day I take the 2 pound coin, the game is over.”” Children



Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. Children



“My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly. “Which one?” I replied, “James Junior, or the girl one?”” Children



“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.” Children



“How do you get a child to stop wetting the bed? Give him an electric blanket” Children



“Ahhh memories. I remember my mother used to say “There’s a train coming, there’s a train coming” when she fed me. I used to gobble up the food. Well if I didn’t she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.” Children



“I’ve got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and an 800-metre sprinter.” Children



“My wife and I have seven kids, which I’ll admit is an awful lot. But we’re committed, and we’re going to keep on trying until we get one we like.” Children



“My five year old son painted his ‘Bob the Builder’ action toy black. I told him he’s ruined it, it’ll never work again.” Children



“I just watched my daughter’s netball team play for a place in the under eleven’s final. What a semi.” Children



“I failed my driving test again, today. There were a couple of minors. The examiner said that I was right slowing down by the school, but wolf whistling is a definite no-no.” Children



“A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks “excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?” The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says “do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?” The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “ I don’t wealy fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”” Children



“My wife and I had to run to the shops for five minutes, and so we left our four-year-old son unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine our surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.” Children



“‘Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek’ Police say his last words were, “I’m getting warmer.”” Children



“I had a threesome with two young girls last night. They had a combined age of 19 so I presume what I did was completely legal.” Children



“The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our newborn son should be called. He’s called Tails.” Children



“What’s the hardest part of telling your son he’s adopted? For me it was learning Chinese.” Children



“I and my wife have different ways to discipline our kids. She threatens them by saying, “Just wait until your father gets home.” I say, “Just wait until your mother goes out.”” Children



“I have one of those ‘Anti Bullying’ wrist bands …… I stole it from a fat ginger kid!” Children



The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of Children living in bungalows since 1945. Children



“We put our kids to sleep by tossing them in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.” Children



“Happy Mother’s Day to all my neighbors on the estate. Remember: if you go out for a meal, take it easy on the WKD as you’ve got school tomorrow and it’s nearly GCSE time.” Children



“My little girl came to me the other day and said, “Daddy, what is sadness?” I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I ran her dog over.” Children



“I and my wife saw a young boy in rags sitting outside Tesco. My wife asked, “Awww are you an orphan?” He replied, “Yes, what gave me away?” I said, “Your parents.”” Children



“During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, “I wish I was adopted”. Well, it’s taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I’ve managed to make his wish come true.” Children



““Your son just called me an old cow!” said my neighbor. “That’s disgraceful,” I said. “I keep telling him not to judge people by their appearance.”” Children



“Just heard ex-nanny Louise Woodward is back in England and working at my local McDonald’s. All kids get a free shake.” Children



“I was sat on the bus today when a little girl nearby, who had been on the bus for a good hour, said to her mum, “I can’t feel my legs!” I leaned over and asked politely, “Can I?” And that’s when the police got involved.” Children



“Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”” Children



“Child locks. Preventing kids escaping from burning vehicles since the 1980s.” Children



I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once. Children



“When I have a kid, I’m going to buy one of those prams for twins. Then put the kid in it, and run around looking frantic.” Children



“My son said to me yesterday, “Dad, my mum reckons I get my intelligence from her, is that right?” I replied, “Well, it must be, I’ve still got mine.”” Children



“I was watching my son splashing around in the bath this morning. Unfortunately my wife came in and grabbed him before he drowned.” Children



“My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated. Not as upset as I was, they’re leaving a green rash on my thighs.” Children



“When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child……eventually.” Children



“I coach a schoolboy football team. In today’s match, and the very last kick of the game, our goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match. After the game he came over and said, “Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut.” I said, “It’s not your fault, Jimmy. It’s your mother who should have kept her legs shut.”” Children



“Want to enjoy your holiday but the kids are too noisy around the pool? Try putting the armbands on their ankles, it works every time….” Children



“A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the Difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”” Children



“A little boy comes running into the house and says, “Mummy, can little girls have babies?” His mum replies, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs back outside and yells, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”” Children



“Why did the little girl fall over? Because I threw a brick at her head!” Children



“I’m like a God in my Kid’s eyes, they are told that I created them, but they have never seen me.” Children



“My son said, “What’s your biggest regret dad?” I said, “I’m not sure son… Who’s taller, you or your brother?”” Children



“What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters? Mate.” Children



Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them. Children



“As I looked at our son, I said to my wife, “It’s amazing how much snot you can get up the nose of a one year old.” She said, “Will you stop doing that.”” Children



“I hurt my back today.. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.” Children



I’m not saying your child is ugly… I’m just saying you will never have to worry about paedophiles. Children



“I don’t like Children. What people don’t seem to realize is that babies are here to replace us. Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are.” Children



“I’m watching my neighbor’s kids whilst they are away on holiday. If they leave that door unlocked, I’m in there.” Children



“Tip for the day: When a Census taker asks how many Children you have, the correct answer is not, “As many as I can catch”.” Children



“My mate asked me why my Children always blame it on someone else. I said, “I’m not sure, they must get it from their mother.”” Children



If sperm’s really good for the skin, why has my daughter still got eczema? Children



“The Government has decided that cough medicines don’t work on Children under 12 and are withdrawing them from sale. I beg to differ, I find it makes them nice and drowsy.” Children



“Today I am going to be a dad for the first time. Neglecting my kids for the last 12 years is probably long enough.” Children



“I was never my parent’s favorite when I was growing up. Which, considering I’m an only child…” Children



“I would like to put forward my nomination for the “Protester of the Year Award”… Every weekday morning and afternoon without fail there is a man who stands outside our local school protesting. He dresses himself all in yellow and he holds a small round placard that simply reads “Stop Children” That to me is dedication to a worthy cause and deserves recognition.” Children



“I decided to sponsor a third world child. As it turns out he was too malnourished to finish the fun run so I didn’t pay him.” Children



“I was talking with my girlfriend last night when I said that ugly Children are terrible and should be kept in a cage. She didn’t take it well at all. She stared at me and angrily said, “Well, what would you do if I gave birth to a child that was ugly?” I replied, “I’d love it as if it were my own!”” Children



“I thought I’d give my Children a surprise this Christmas. So I didn’t buy them anything.” Children



TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.” Children



Apparently, when your teenage child appears from their room after many hours perfecting their “look”, you are not supposed to laugh. Children



I used to think Santa Claus was a paedophile… Turned out it was my uncle Frank all along. Children



“My wife just gave birth to our son, he was six nine and healthy. I think I’ll have to buy him a new cot though, because I didn’t expect him to be that tall.” Children



“What’s the best present to get a dying child? A dying puppy.” Children



“When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!” My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”” Children



“A recent survey, carried out in Scotland, proved that the first child to be born in a Family is USUALLY the MOST INTELLIGENT child within that particular Family. American researchers (not wanting to be outdone) took this study one step forward and proved that the first child to be born in a Family is ALWAYS the ELDEST child within that particular Family.” Children



I’ve just been in McDonald’s and I’ve seen four girls who have the face of a 12 year old and the body of a girl who’s name ends in .jpg Children



“They say that Children are our most valuable natural resource. I agree. In fact, I’ve already started drilling.” Children



“Shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother went out to the hairdressers. Father stayed home to care for their son, soon the baby started crying. The father did everything possible to stop the crying, but the baby wouldn’t stop. Worried he took the baby to the doctors. The Doctor examined the baby’s ears, chest then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found the nappy was full. “Here’s the problem”, the Dr. said, “he needs to be changed.” The father was perplexed,” but the nappy packaging says it good for up to 10lbs.”” Children



I really hate reading the kids a bedtime story when my wife’s too tired to do it. Tonight should be the last time though – I’m reading them the Exorcist. Children



I was as ugly as a child that I had a tinted incubator. Children



“Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining Children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!” The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”” Children



“I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a father towards them. So I’ve invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Monday morning.” Children



I saw a black couple on the news who had been jailed for beating their child and I thought, “Wow, I’m so glad my parents weren’t like that… or I’d be black” Children



“What’s the Difference between Batman and Madeleine McCann? Batman returns.” Children



Whenever my young son cries too much, I show him his birth video in reverse and tell him that’s what happens to kids who don’t stop crying. Children



“My son invited his posh friend to his birthday party. I asked him, “What’s your favorite game, Tarquin?” He said, “Partridge, but I’m partial to grouse in season.”” Children



“When my boss asked me why I was leaving so early, “I’m going to pick the kids up before their parents get there,” was not the answer I should have given.” Children



I was asked by my local community center to play Simon says with the kids. According to the parents Simon does not say take off your clothes. Children



I had to take my son to the emergency room today after my attempt at teaching him to ride a bike went wrong. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with a Kawasaki Ninja. Children



“I hit my nephew yesterday…. My sister was absolutely hysterical. but then I was in an Audi and he was playing in the driveway…..” Children



Little kid fell in the hole I dug in my garden, when he hit the bottom there was a splash from the water below. Couldn’t help but think, Oh well. Children



“I don’t know if I’m a bit sick; but when you’re out shopping, does no one else find it funny when distracted toddlers walk into things… …like the road” Children



I fed my Children some radioactive laxatives the other day….You should have seen their little faces light up……. Children



I scored 556 in a cricket match today. I could have scored more, but after nearly 6 hours at the crease my wife insisted I let my son have a bat. Children



“My wife kept telling me I should show my son a bit more affection. So now I pat it on the head when I get home from work.” Children



“I complained to my newsagent that my paperboy is coming earlier every morning. He’s promised me my next one will have more stamina.” Children



“Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from Children.”” Children



“I said to my son, “what you doing?” “Maths homework.” I said, “Give us a question.”

“What’s the lowest common denominator?” I said, “You’ll never find it, they were looking for that when I was at school.”” Children



“My daughter’s just hit the age where she asks questions about everything. What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy? It’s hard feeding your kids vegetables.” Children



“I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television. They want it but can’t have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it.” Children



“My neighbors’ kids were building a snowman, and asked me for a carrot and two lumps of coal. The way kids are these days, I suppose it was a bit naive of me to expect that they’d use them for its face.” Children



“I tried to begin the magic, by telling my kids just like in the advert on TV… I peeled back the paper revealing the writing, “We’re going to Disneyland….” They were so excited until I removed it entirely, and it said “…Paris.”” Children



“My 11yr old son was sent home from school yesterday, accompanied by the police, just for having a little gash on his finger. Admittedly, it did belong to the headmistress………….” Children



Nothing says “I was bullied at school” quite like becoming a copper Children



“I was fired from my job as a Children’s magician today… Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.” Children



“I took my twins into town today to get fitted for their first bras. They complained and said they will get teased at school, especially by the other boys in the football team.” Children



“I’ve never read my daughter’s diary. No kid that sits and writes in a diary is doing anything worth worrying about.” Children



“Asians. If you’re good at something there is always an eight year old Asian kid that can do it better.” Children



“A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, “Dad, there’s a man knocking on the door with a beard.” His dad replies, “Oh, no wonder I didn’t hear him!”” Children



“My 7 year old son wet himself this morning and all I said was “Urine trouble?” and he wet himself again. Now that’s power.” Children



“Social services has just taken my 2 year old off me for no reason what so ever. I don’t even know if his new parents will even let him smoke in the house!” Children



“It’s really difficult finding things to do with the kids during the holidays. My eldest wanted to go and see Cars and the youngest wanted to go to the park. We’ve had to compromise, so we’re in Asda’s carpark.” Children



However sad you feel… Just remember that, somewhere in the world, a fat kid has just dropped his ice-cream Children



“Christmas has come early to my house. My daughter has just invited her school pals round for a pajama party.” Children



It takes 24 screws to build an Ikea cot but only 1 to fill it Children



“Was in the pharmacy today when a little girl pointed to a shelve of condoms and asked her dad “Daddy what are the sweets up there?” He replies “Sweets that I should have bought”” Children



“After setting the orphanage on fire, I stood back and watched the kids clawing and scrambling to get out the front door, pushing, shoving, and even trampling over one another. Children can be so cruel.” Children



I hate these kids who play tag. They really think they’re it. Children



“If I had a penny for every time I did a day’s work…..I’d be an Indian child.” Children



“The other day, my baby was crawling along the floor, stopped, and thought for a bit, staggered uneasily to his feet, then shakily walked across the room looking pleased with himself. My missus was elated, showering him with praise and affection. Why is it, when I do the same thing after coming back from the pub at 3 in the morning, I just get a slap?” Children



I was supposed to be Godfather for my mate’s newborn, but putting a horse’s head in his cot wasn’t what my mate expected. Children



BBC News: Light drinking ‘no risk to baby’ really…. Well when social services caught me feeding my 2 month old son Jack Daniels they said something entirely different.” Children



“My son turned round earlier and said I’m the most uncool dad on the planet. I’ve spent the last two hours trying to think of a groovy response.” Children



“Since Sickipedia is now been overrun by kids, can I be the first to say, Do any of you want to see my puppies?” Children



“What’s worse than finding white stains inside the front of your son’s underwear? Finding them on the back.” Children



“Child line really needs to be renamed….. I rang them and ordered 3 but instead a van full of Police officers turned up???” Children



I’m as bored as a fat kid on a see-saw. Children



Is it just me, or does the story of The Pied Piper seem a lot more sinister now than when you read it as a kid? Children



“I was invited round by my long term girlfriend to meet her parents. All was going well, they seemed to like me, and then they asked the killer question “Are you planning on having kids.” I replied “Don’t be silly you can’t have Children the way we do it” I am now single.” Children



“My friend has had her kids taken away after social services said she isn’t a fit mother. Personally, I reckon she’s bang tidy.” Children



Is it just me or is Hannah Montana getting on a bit now? Children



“It was tough growing up with strict parents as a deaf kid. At meal times I was always told off for speaking with my hands full.” Children



I was a lovely baby. My parents used to fake my kidnapping just to see my pictures in the papers Children



“I would like to thank the designers of my house for putting the plug sockets at a height that a child of eight months could easily put his fingers into and die from an electric shock. Seriously… thanks. Got my first decent night’s sleep in eight months, last night.” Children



“I really am turning into my father. I have a disappointing son.” Children



“What’s the Difference between Madeleine Mcann, My girlfriend and a dead baby?

Nothing.” Children



“My daughter screamed when I did her hair up in pigtails. She doesn’t want to visit the abattoir again.” Children



“I saw a Birthday badge that says “I am 2” on the front. On the back, however, the warning label says “This object is not suitable for Children 3 and under.”” Children



“Baby sitting for your friends kids is just like having a hire car. You abuse them as much as you want, then hand them back.” Children



“My belief in Santa Claus is starting to get severely tested. For three years my Children haven’t received any presents for Christmas, and I know for a fact that they’ve not been particularly naughty.” Children



“The other day I came home from work and my girlfriend was waiting for me in the kitchen. She told me that she felt she was ready to take the next step in our relationship. “Twins?” I asked with high hopes. She nodded in reply. “Great!” I said, “I know an Asian pair who will definitely be game.” Apparently she meant she wanted kids…” Children



“My daughter told me this morning that when she was older she wanted to be a businesswoman and run a chocolate factory. Aren’t kids adorable! Of course I was honest and explained to her there is no such word as ‘businesswoman’.” Children



Am I the only one alarmed that Santa breaks into my house undetected, Drinks my Jack Daniels, Eats all my mince pies and to top it all off, Watch’s my Children 24/7? Children



““Daddy?” the kid asked his father. “Where did I come from?” “Ask your mother,” he replied. “I did,” the kid said. “But I don’t think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.” “Hmmmm,” chuckled his dad. “That’s about the size of it…”” Children



“Even though I’m a cub scout leader, I’m still nervous around kids. But when we all dressed up as Red Indians the other day I did feel a little brave.” Children



“I was telling my mate I grounded our baby for screaming so much and he said, “How can you ground a baby?” “With a mortar and pestle.” I replied.” Children



“My dad’s recently been hitting the booze every night. I like to call him alcopop” Children



“I don’t believe in smacking my kids. I find that pointing a gun at them accomplishes the same thing.” Children



“After coming home from a school trip to the cinema, I had the following conversation with my wife: “I got a Woody from watching Toy Story 3 today.” “Oh really dear? Give it to the kids.” So, that your honour, is the reason why my wife is an accomplice.” Children



Nothing says “I’m a paedophile” more than owning a chocolate factory. Children



“I was on the phone to my brother when I gave it to my 5yr old son. After a minute of silence I took the phone back, apologized for my son’s shyness and said my goodbyes. Then I turned to my son and said, “Why didn’t you speak to your uncle Terry, son?” He said, “Because he’s always told me that he’d kill me if I ever said anything.”” Children



“After a particularly bad parents evening, the teacher said the problem must stem from home. She even went so far as to ask if I loved my daughter. Apparently ‘often’ was the wrong answer.” Children



BBC News: “Are you a parent that struggles to help your Children with their homework, we have ways to make it easier for you.” Yeah, don’t have a kid at 16.” Children



“I spotted a lonely boy in the park. Being the nice person that I am, I played basketball with him. My fun ended when he got stuck in the hoop.” Children



BBC News: ‘Parenting style strongly affects drinking’ That’s odd – because I find drinking strongly affects my parenting style…” Children



I’m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this pub. Children



“My wife was saying ‘I don’t care what you say. There’s no pain in the world as bad as childbirth’ Anyway you will be glad to know she now knows better. Sorry make that knew better.” Children



“I was explaining to my daughter that hamsters don’t live forever and that when Harry’s time comes, she could invite her friends round and have sandwiches, jelly and ice cream to celebrate his life. She asked, “Dad, can we kill him now?”” Children



“My daughter brought a boy home the other day, and I wasn’t impressed I didn’t hesitate to tell everyone present what I thought of him. She started crying, but that was probably just a side effect of the stressful birth.” Children



“I saw a disabled kid struggling to get going on the swings because he had no legs, so I gave him a push. Then put my kid on the swing.” Children



I’m guessing the next idiot child will be killed by an electric fence. Children



“I brought my kids some crayons yesterday… It was a present to make my kin scrawl.” Children



“Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said “I’m Daddy’s Favorite” She must be an only child if she’s his favorite!” Children



“I treat my kids like AM radio. I never listen to them.” Children



“Anyone else think it’s weird that Roman Catholic Priests are known as “Fathers” when none of them have kids? Well at least not in the traditional sense…” Children



I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don’t worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn’t get hurt. Children



“My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher’s coffee cup. I said to him, “What did your teacher say when he found out?” “Mmmmmmm-mmmm-mmmm-mmmm……….!”” Children



For years, I tried to get my son to tuck in his shirts, and failed. So in the end, I sewed an edge of lace all around the bottom of his shirts. Children



“I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged Children. On the first day I asked them if anyone can do animal noises. Apparently that’s all they can do.” Children



No matter how much flour I use, I can never raise a child. Children



GUTTED! After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under age pregnancies, I have just been fired. Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that the best way is to “get there before the hair” is inappropriate!” Children



“What is the Difference between snot and spinach? You can’t get your kids to eat spinach.” Children



“My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear. It didn’t work at all; I was still nervous plus I got a raging hard-on. Then again, it was at my local primary school.” Children



“Promises are like Children. Fun making them, regret keeping them.” Children



“My kid came home and cried, “Dad! The kids at school told me I have a face only a parent could love!” I replied, “That’s nonsense, dear. I hate your face too.”” Children



I bought some new Nike trainers today, I’m thinking of returning them, they look like they were made by a 7 year old! Children



“I was trying everything last night to get the baby to sleep. Finally after 5 bottles he went down. He’s going to have a right hangover when he gets up.” Children



Was anybody else disappointed that the boy wasn’t in the airship? Children



“I don’t believe in smacking my Children…it achieves nothing. Several punches do though.” Children



It’s all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on. Children



“I told my younger brother that if a person flaps his arms long enough and hard enough then that person can actually fly. I just love seeing the sad expression on his face once he realizes he cannot do it. You know, after having his arms amputated and all…” Children



“When your only child has Down’s syndrome, Birthdays can be difficult. Last week our daughter was five and I and the wife just couldn’t decide what to give her. Eventually we settled on ‘away, for adoption.’” Children



“Having a father who was a Doctor and a mother who was a Nurse had its down side. When I was six I had to leave home because they needed the bed.” Children



Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said “Don’t be silly mummy, ugly people don’t have feelings Children



“I spent all day making a mug, but when I went to pick it up, half of it fell off! I didn’t handle it very well.” Children



If an orphan goes into KFC are they allowed to buy a Family bucket? Children



“Bought that new Lynx Bullet today. Turns out that it doesn’t have the same effect on kids :(” Children



Just had one of those landmark father son moments yup had to show him how to delete browser history Children



After years of thinking it wasn’t anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford. Children



“The most fun time of my day is playing with my son at bath time. But now he’s ten it’s hard for both of us to fit in.” Children



"When asked “What would be your dream job once leaving school?” in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote: “My dream is too work in a sweat shop!” Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!" Children



“How can you tell when the school kids are on holiday? Because this site is now on a 6 week shut down!!!” Children



“I dropped my kids of at their babysitters yesterday before I went to work and she asked me, “When do you want them back.” I replied, “When they’re earning.”” Children



“I was texting a mate when from nowhere I got hit by a car, just when I realized what was happening a fire engine flew past me and missed my head by inches. I gave my son a right slap, how he dare throw toys out of his pram.” Children



“My child was born with a genetic skin disorder. He’s black.” Children



“Be nice to your kids. You never know, you might need a kidney one day.” Children



“When I was a kid I really wanted to be a fireman. Turns out I just enjoy breaking down doors with an axe.” Children



“Today has been a dark day for me, I have been told I cannot have any Children. Apparently, no amount of begging at the orphanage door is going to make them change their minds…” Children



“What noise does a baby make in a microwave? I don’t know, I was too busy masturbating.” Children



“I was walking down the road the other day when I saw my old school pal, Mike Kelly. I ran over and jumped on him knocking him to the ground and gave him a wedgy like I use to do back in the school days. Then I thought to myself, “shouldn’t he have got older too”?” Children



“I’ve got two sons, 6 and 11. Funny names really but I like them.” Children



“Turns out I have raised my 15 year old son really well, whenever I got to empty the bin in his room, he runs to the bin and says “don’t worry! I’ll do it” What a lovely son.” Children



“I was in my car late last night with my 7 year old son, and he pointed at the Cats Eyes in the road and said, “Those diamonds look great daddy”, and I said, “What makes you think that they are diamonds?” “Don’t be silly daddy, everyone knows that this is a jewel carriageway.” he replied.” Children



“James Bulger Madeleine McCann Rhys Jones Liam Gill Harry Blackmore

Carlsberg don’t do child tragedies…. Liverpool do….” Children



“Primark Children’s range. Made by Children, for Children.” Children



“Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our Children. He won, I left my son in the oven for way too long.” Children



“When I was young, I could not understand why anyone would want to become a priest because you could not get married or have Children. Now I am married with Children, I can see the priesthood has its attractions.” Children



I just gave my newborn baby a bath. Drying him in a microwave didn’t go down well with the misus. Children



“What’s the Difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids? Scouse kids get slaughtered before they go to school.” Children



“If there are Children in need they should send them to my place. I’ve got a large donation I need to make.” Children



“What goes: – Plink, Plink, Fizzzzzzz? Two babies dropped in a bath of acid!!” Children



“I love to go to the park and watch the kids jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.” Children



“I could tell my parents hated me. When they took me to the lake to go swimming, all the other kids were skating.” Children



I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, “Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?” Children



“They say Children are our greatest treasure. Especially when buried.” Children



If you can’t beat ‘em….. Why have kids? Children



Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause Children Children



Broke Back Mountain is both my dad’s favorite film. Children



Three Jelly tots and four down syndrome kids, let the game commence. Children



“My wife told me today that I’m going to be a father for the very first time. The sad news is, I’ve already got two Children.” Children



“My wife said, “I remember when I was a baby, my mum giving me a bath in the sink. Wouldn’t it make a great picture, me bathing our lovely little lad?” “Great idea,” I said, getting the camera. I took a cracking photo of his happy, smiling face…. …..seconds before the waste disposal kicked in.” Children



“My six-year-old daughter is dependent on heroin. If I don’t sell enough of it then she doesn’t get fed.” Children



“Breaking news: Gospel music group, The Priests are supposedly taking longer than expected in the studio finishing of an EP featuring covers of several MGMT songs. The problem seems to be that they keep tampering with ‘Kids’” Children



I was looking at my kids sleeping last night thinking, “Must get that gas leak fixed.” Children



It’s pretty tense when you take your new girlfriend to the cinema and she gets ID’s for Harry Potter. Children



"I found out earlier that dead babies are being grounded up into a powdered tablet in China and being sold abroad as 'stamina tablets', each one containing about 99.7% human. I had never been so disgusted and outraged in all of my life, I’ve already taken 5 and I feel no different." Children



“An old man on a porch asks a boy dragging a chain down the street, “Why are you pulling that chain?” The boy replies, “You ever try to push one?”” Children



“Those Children in Africa think they are poor? When I was a kid, I didn’t have enough money to buy a memory card for my PlayStation 1.” Children



“A friend of mine was having trouble naming her twin boys, she asked for my opinion so I advised her to go with what her gut was telling her. She went with Egg and Chips.” Children



“Well I can safely say that 3 of my money is going to the poverty stricken kids in Africa tonight… I bought a top in Primark.” Children



““SchoolChildren injured after bus crashes on way to Alton Towers” That’s now my day out sorted. At least the queue for Nemesis will be shorter.” Children



“This little piggy went to the market this little piggy stayed home this little piggy had roast beef this little piggy had none this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home and this little piggy was the result of being bred in Norfolk” Children



“For some cheap entertainment after Christmas feed your sister’s Tiny Tears doll some Ribena. Then sit back and relax as the doll begins to resemble something out of the apocalypse.” Children



“What’s funnier than dropping a baby out of a window? Dropping it off of the roof.” Children



“My five-year old son went down a helter-skelter the other day, laughing as he went. “What a twisted sense of humor” I thought.” Children



“What’s the Difference between a paedophile and a PE teacher? A hockey stick.” Children



“My daughter confessed that she had recently been sneaking out of the house at night to meet up with her friends. “It’s just so easy to sneak out,” she said jokingly, “you need to at least make it a challenge.” “Alright,” I said, playing along, “but only cause it’s you.” Then I hack-sawed her legs off.” Children



“My wife told me that she would hate to see any harm come to our Children. I said, “That’s why I wait ‘til you’re at work.”” Children



I’ve got two wonderful Children – and two out of five ain’t bad. Children



“What is the Difference between The Proclaimers and Maddie McCann? We haven’t seen The Proclaimers for a while but they’re most likely still alive.” Children



“Apparently, “Hi, I’m Randy and I’m an alcoholic” doesn’t go down that well when you’re introducing yourself to other parents… …when they drop off their kid for a sleepover.” Children



“My daughter told me that there is a monster who lives in her wardrobe at night. I told her “Don’t be silly, that’s just daddy watching you slee… Yes there is… A big one.”” Children



“I was called in to see my son’s Headmaster today. I said, “What’s he been up to?” “He tried to burn down the main building.” He replied. I said, “You’re lucky, he succeeded at his two previous schools.”” Children



For a laugh on your child’s 11th birthday; forge a HogwArts acceptance letter. Children



“I see that they still can’t serve sandwiches at Dunblane School. Evidently it still upsets them when their asked how many rounds they want!” Children



“Parents, struggling in the current climate and sick of your kids bugging you for things? Save 3 a week by making your Phones ringtone the same as your local Ice cream vans melody.” Children



“Children should be seen but not heard. Which is why I’ve bought a ball-gag.” Children



"What’s pink and divisible by 4? **************************** Baby tied to four horses" Children



“My wife just gave birth, which is great because I always said I wanted a child for 4 years or so. My wife however, wants to keep it forever.” Children



“I remember when I was 5 I had a special condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day. I was so thankful my older brother told me in time.” Children



“So David Cameron leaves his 8 year old daughter in a pub in Cadsden, Bucks. If that had happened in Newcastle, the 8 year old would be thinking, “Cooool, a lock in!”” Children



“I was sitting in my room and heard a little boy outside sneeze. I said bless you, and five seconds later, I heard a very hesitant….”God?.”” Children



“Trying to find my way around the new gym I accidentally walked into a room full of young Children changing. I apologized for the confusion and left. After a few minutes…” Children



I bought a book of baby names today. Only read a few pages, but so far my favorites are ISBN 938-0325-57613 for a girl, and Copyright 2009 for a boy. Children



“I’m a lonely middle-aged man without a proper job. In my hours of spare time, I like to drive to the local schools and chat to the kids. They always leave with a smile on their face; some even wipe their mouths. I love my ice-cream van.” Children



“I’m not really a violent person but the first time I ever hit anyone was in the school playground. I was just hanging around, minding my own business when a boy ran into me. Without thinking I just hit him in the face. The boy started crying and everyone was looking at me. So I just picked up my kids and left.” Children



My wife swerved to avoid a child last night…………….she fell out of bed. Children



“People always give me a funny look when I refer to my son as Thingamajig. But I had to give him a name I could remember.” Children



Ah Children, you can’t beat them … anymore Children



My son decided he wanted to leave home this morning and when my wife got in from work she started blaming my drinking as usual. I said, “I know it was me that left the door open but he’ll be back. He’s got nursery tomorrow and he likes that” Children



“It’s the heaviest snow for two decades today, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Just another excuse for the kids’ absence from school” Children



“What do Children and Dreams have in common? If you follow them both for too long, people become suspicious.” Children



“My son drank a bottle of bleach earlier. On the plus side, at least now I will have a nice clean toilet.” Children



“What is the Difference between a lorry load of babies and a lorry load of sand? You can’t pitchfork a lorry load of sand” Children



I have puppies instead of Children. I’d rather ruin my carpet then my life. Children



“I love going to the local primary school and watching the kids running and screaming. That chainsaw was the best Christmas present ever.” Children



“Women should not have Children after 35. Really . . . 35 Children are enough.” Children



“Note to self: When asked to watch someone’s kids for the night, don’t reply “I do”.” Children



“Child line are reporting a worrying increase in the amount of calls they’re getting from abused Children. It wasn’t like this when I was a lad. We didn’t have mobile phones.” Children



“Mummy’ the window cleaner is at the door. Are you going to pay him or shall I go out to play?” Children



“I was teaching my son farmyard Animals the other day! What noise does a sheep make?

‘‘Baaaaahh’‘ What noise does a cow make? “mooooo”” What noise does a pig make? ‘‘I set fire, to the rain’‘ Good Lad” Children



“I really need to do something about my pimple problems. I fell asleep at the library the other day and woke up only to find a blind guy reading my face.” Children



“I am the happiest father in the world! Even after my pregnant wife was attacked by a gang of muggers, the doctors said that our little girl was still born.” Children



“My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. We now have a little baby ghost.” Children



“Christmas was ruined for the kids last year with Nan dying suddenly like that. We relied on her for their bigger presents.” Children



“What is it with women and their morals nowadays? “I’m not like that!” “You’re too drunk!”

“Stop! I have a boyfriend!” “Dad, I’ll tell Mum!”” Children



“I was out recruiting for the nursery school I work at today. A woman came up to me and said, “Hi, can you put my daughter down please?” “What’s her name?” I replied. “Never mind that,” She said. “Just put her down and don’t touch her again.” Children



“My 20 year old son complained that I never let him grow up. He’s a beaker half empty kind of guy.” Children



“I’ve got three Children, one of each. A boy, a girl and a hairdresser.” Children



“I am just about to buy my girlfriend a valentines present online & to be honest I need a bit of help. Am I right in thinking that a size 8 would fit a big 6 year old?” Children



“People get all up in arms about priests having relations with young boys, but give them a break. Those guys almost never get to party.” Children



"A little girl observes at the beach something between a little boy's legs and goes to her mother asking:- Mammy, why don't I have that between my legs?- Patience darling, patience!" Children



“I had an unbelievable stroke of luck last night. But why would anyone name their kid ‘luck’?” Children



When our 10 year old grandson stays with us for the weekend we’re not allowed to smoke in the house. The wife makes us stand outside in the cold. And she wonders why he doesn’t like her. Children



“My son said “Dad, Can we play cowboys in the garden?” I said “Of course we can” “You haven’t seen Brokeback Mountain have you son?” I added, as I got out my rusty sheriff’s badge.” Children



“I’ve learned the best way to sooth a crying baby is to not feed it, it’ll stop crying… Eventually” Children



“I’ve just found out that my girlfriends son is not to dissimilar to a blue bottle fly. Once he flew out of the window the annoying noise stopped.” Children



“Has anyone seen those new speeding adverts? What I don’t understand is what that guy takes the dead kid everywhere with him?” Children



“The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part.” Children



“I’ve always been truthful with my son. I don’t tell him these lies that other parents use all the time. He has always known that Father Christmas isn’t real, he knows that too much T.V. does not make your eyes square and he knows he is the reason why me and his mother fell out of love and got a divorce.” Children



“My girlfriend has just text me: Fancie a bitt of annal tonite? Don’t get me wrong it’s a lovely text, but I don’t agree with an 8 year old having a mobile.” Children



“Crock’s The best way of showing your kids you hate them” Children



I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? Children



I always tell my kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. Largely in the hope that other parents tell their kids the same thing. Children



“My young daughter was burning up today so I rang NHS Direct, “how hot is she?” they inquired. “about 8/10…” didn’t seem to go down that well.” Children



A child is for life not just for a council house and benefits Children



“I saw an interview with a Chinese woman on Sky News the other day. She was talking about how once she owned a dog as a pet, she couldn’t eat dog anymore. I imagine I’ll be the same when I have Children.” Children



Screw these cArtoons, I know a much more effective way to stop child abuse, hand out baseball bats to Children. Children



A child is forever, not just a council house. Children



“My mate asked me to look after his three kids. I don’t mind.” Children



“I was holding my son above my head letting him pretend to be superman this morning. When he got bored he asked me to put him down. Luckily I had a needle and some pentobarbital solution handy.” Children



“My father used to say “I love kids, but I couldn’t eat a full one”. I knew I’d beat my father at something one day” Children



My son has been watching Home Alone and getting loads of funny ideas… like spending Christmas together as a Family. Children



The worst part about being a paedophile is trying to fit in. Children



“What’s long, hard and hurts babies? My shovel.” Children



“When I awoke in the middle of the night to the scratching on my wardrobe door, it brought back my old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then I realized it was just the kids coming round. Children



“Which brand of lager do orphans prefer? Fosters.” Children



“So… My two year old daughter takes my nose and it’s all fun and stuff. But I take her virginity and I get a prison sentence?” Children



“After we reached a decision on the abortion, every night I’ve been given chills up and down my spine by the haunting screams of a crying baby. I lay there wishing we’d had it. But we made the choice and we’ll just have to cope with an unwanted child.” Children



“I read my 4 year old son his first eBook today. It was a pop-up. He now knows he can meet hot, young, single girls in his area. And he lived happily ever after.” Children



“My girlfriend and I decided to admit we are trying for a baby. Our father was disgusted.” Children



"Doctor- I’m afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son. Mother- I thought you said he was perfectly healthy? Doctor- Oh I did, but his bath is overflowing." Children



“My dad didn’t care about me as a child. Then he turned 18 and became slightly more responsible.” Children



“Because of the heat this summer, I’ve got a lot of bites on my legs… Maybe I should stop pushing the kids out of the line for the ice cream van.” Children



“I love going to the local water park. I can happily watch young girls getting wet without forcing them into my van.” Children



“Youth Olympics. Giving paedophiles a social meeting place since 2010.” Children



Thankfully the only time my wife will ever beat me is when we’re fighting for the custody of our Children. Children



Here at the sweatshop every day is bring your Children to work day! Children



“My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks this must be the slowest game of pool I’ve ever played.” Children



When push comes to shove, you’re probably delivering the baby wrong. Children



Things haven’t changed that much in the past twenty years. We used to play cowboys and Indians, and today I saw my son and his mate playing builders and call-center operators. Children



Today, a little kid that looked to be about five came up to me. He asked me, “Wanna see me run to China and back?” I said yes, thinking he was going to stand in the same spot and say, “Wanna see me do it again?”. Instead, he ran down the street and disappeared from sight. I haven’t seen him since. Children



“Kids, don’t waste time looking before you cross the road – that ice cream van won’t wait forever.” Children



“I said to my son, “Either you tell your mother what you’ve done, or I will. Choice is yours, me or you?” He shouted, “MUM, DAD DID IT.”” Children



“There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! The way I see it there are 3 advantages to it 1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car 2: They can’t run away to fast from you and 3: more cushion for the pushing” Children



“Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.

Now where did i put that spade. . .” Children



“My son was having a bit of a tantrum this morning and I’m ashamed to say I over-reacted a bit. I put him up for adoption.” Children



“Went down to the running track this morning, and ended up pulling my groin. I couldn’t help it. Seeing all those little athletics kids in spandex pushed me over the edge . . . .” Children



Kids these days… Getting older by the minute Children



Why is the speed limit so low around primary schools? So you can pick out the one you want…? Children



“My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight. I have terribly infected feet you see.” Children



“My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life. “Probably just about Children to be honest” I said. “But don’t you have 5 kids?” he asked. “Precisely” I sighed.” Children



‘Scouting For Girls’, surely they mean Girl Guides Children



“After thirty years of wondering why he didn’t look like his sister and Brother Mark asked his mother if he had been adopted.’ Yes, ‘ she replied tearfully, ‘ but it didn’t work out so they sent you back. ‘” Children



My 4 year old lost her first tooth today. That’ll be the last time she answers ME back! Children



“I had a beautiful baby girl this morning. Her mother will kill me if I can’t find it before she gets home” Children



“More people should be made aware of child abuse! They don’t know what they’re missing!” Children



“I said to my son, “You skipped school today to play football.” He said, “No I never, and I’ve got the fish to prove it.”” Children



“I’ve decided to write a Mr. Men book in honour of my unwanted daughter. Little Miss Take” Children



“It’s fun to watch 3 month old babies taste new things for the 1st time, like ice cream…, or 9-volt batteries.” Children



“The other day, my son was talking back to my wife. She asked him to do something and he said, “No! I don’t want to.” So I pulled him aside and said, “Son, you have got to teach me how to do that.”” Children



“Can’t decide whether to have Children or get a dog. It’s a choice between wrecked furniture, and my future.” Children



“A watched pot never boils. However an unwatched child never grows up.” Children



“The kids round my estate are so tough these days. I nearly broke my tooth on one today, fair to say I just need to add more gravy.” Children



““He just ran into my car, it wasn’t my fault!” “Sir, you parked your car in a school playground.”” Children



“So you try and help out by sorting the kids a uniform during the summer holidays! But end up with a caution for asking staff at Ann Summers if they had a nurse, and French maid uniform for my 8, and 10 year old daughters.” Children



“I was driving my nerdy kid to school the other day, when he turned to me and said “Dad, how do I become cool, like you?” I said “Son, there’s 2 simple rules: 1 Always act cool, and 2 never be seen with losers. Now, get out.” He said “But Dad, schools a half mile away!” “Rule 2 son, rule 2.”” Children



“Woman phones an ambulance woman “you gotta help me, my waters just broke!” emergency services “calm down. tell me, where you are ringing from?” woman “the waist down!”” Children



“I walked into a room in the hospital to find a man and woman sobbing. I said, “I’d like to offer my condolences.” They said, “No you don’t understand, we’ve just had a baby.” I said, “I know, I can see it, its minging”” Children



Ironically, actually having a child is the best form of contraception. Children



“My plan for the snow: 1. Wait for my 8 year old neighbor to build a snowman 2. Wait for that to melt 3. Put a suicide note where it melted” Children



“My 13.00 Shoe Zone shoes for work seem to be failing on me dramatically already. I’ll be lucky to get through the working day on them. The 6 year old who made them obviously hasn’t had sufficient training or was slacking on that particular day. I will be following this up with customer services so that others like myself will not have to suffer in the future.” Children



“I don’t know why so many people hate it but I really love Twilight. That’s when I do all my raping.” Children



“My 12 year old daughter says she is old enough to stand on her own two feet. So maybe for Christmas – I’ll sew them back on” Children



“Kids really haven’t got a clue these days. Thanks to my new balaclava.” Children



So remember kids, when the looting begins, always consider the weight/value ratio. Children



“Well I guess it’s almost that time again, Easter. When I can call my son an egghead and he smiles and considers it a great holiday joke, rather than presuming I’m having another go at him because of his chemotherapy.” Children



“My wife told me she wanted something 20 inches long, crusty, and full of sperm… So i handed her our daughter” Children



“I was looking through my girlfriend’s old school reports. Last year she started drawing inside the lines.” Children



A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.” Children



“I sat as my wife was dying over her bed. “Dave,” she croaked. “Promise me…Promise you’ll make sure our Children are well looked after.” “Don’t worry babe,” I replied. “I’ve already got a lovely couple lined up; they’ll be great foster parents.”” Children



“A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.” “What did you do?” the mother asked. “I hit him with my purse!”” Children



“The kids love coming to my house to play with the toys… A Rampant Rabbit feels loads better than an Action Man.” Children



“According to the new Cow and Gate advert, ‘some babies don’t get enough iron’. In all fairness, it is a bit dark down in the mines.” Children



“‘Woman hides 3 baby bodies in wardrobe for 20years’ Police are looking to question Mr. Tumnus, Aslan and the White Witch” Children



I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ‘‘Parking here could cost a child’s life’‘. Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right? Children



In the eyes of the lord I’m sure these trigonometry jokes are a sin. Children



“People often talk about the child within them, and I can totally relate to that, I always eat babies” Children



“My wife and I agreed that we had to set aside our mistakes for the sake of our marriage. We’re putting them up for adoption tomorrow.” Children



It’s kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn’t for alcohol most women wouldn’t be that way. Children



I am getting pretty nervous lately. My little 2 year old nephew is starting to learn how to talk. Children



“My little cousin still goes to the pre-school when the teacher asked her “You have 5 apples, you give half to John, and how many have you got left?” She confidently replied “Four and a half”” Children



The chicken crossed the road, knowing this day would be remembered for many years to come Children



“Well, if I had to describe one fault of mine, it is that I have a habit of taking my work home with me. I’m starting to think that it is probably the reason why I lost my last job at the crèche.” Children



Our school was hard. The playground chase-games were called Electronic Tag. Children



“Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of surprised and squirted all of their faces. Then I got my Water-Gun out.” Children



“Little Johnny: “Where’s my Fork and Knife?”. Mum : “Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop swearing”” Children



“when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby. I laugh and I stamp on it” Children



“It was my 3 year old son’s birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy. I searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway. He opened his present on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I couldn’t believe it! At least the toy was still in one piece.” Children



You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my son’s umbilical cord… Children



“My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up. I think he’s going to be a bus driver when he grows up.” Children



I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school. Children



If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with the lights on. Children



“After my wife said I was tightfisted, I’ve finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted. It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.” Children



My kids are like marmite. For sale. Children



…….“And I would’ve got away with it too, if it wasn’t for meddling with kids!” Children



““Daddy. I’m too big for these trousers. Look how far my legs stick out” “They’re called shorts, son”” Children



“I walked in on my son naked the other day. He said, “Dad, put some clothes on!”.” Children



“I always hear that Children are dressing inappropriately these days but my neighbor’s kid is still dressing perfectly, with the curtains open.” Children



“During my first day of working at a nursery school, a member of staff asked me what I did to entertain the kids; my reply was “finger puppets”. You should have seen their faces after I repeatedly shoved my pinky in and out of Edd the Duck.” Children



“Schools have changed since my day. From blackboard to whiteboard. From quill to biro. From cane to dumbell.” Children



My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for Children, but fun to share with them, all the same. Children



“My 15 year old son is a mute, he can’t read or write and has very little hearing capabilities. . . So I bought him a mobile phone to cheer him up.” Children



My neighbor’s daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked. Children



“Why is Santa so jolly? Because you’re adopted.” Children



What do down- syndrome babies and jelly babies have in common?? They all look the same and come in different colors. Children



You know your ginger when even your imaginary friend’s don’t want to play with you. Children



“I’ve just got back from a boy scouts’ and girl guides’ jamboree. The excitement was intense. Children



I’m pretty ashamed about sleeping with the examiner to get a good mark…but I really wanted top marks in my KS1 SATS. Children



“I had to give my son a few strokes with my belt today for using the ‘C’ word in public. I don’t care if ‘Chelsea’ is the name of a bun as well.” Children



“My wife just shouted at me for smoking inside. As if having to deliver my unborn child in the back of a taxi wasn’t stressful enough.” Children



“I gave my son a quid for eating a hot chili. This is good parenting because he needs to learn to stop doing stupid things for just 1.” Children



“A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. Sadly this is a fact and not a legal loophole.” Children



“They say the laughter of Children is priceless. To me it’s their screaming.” Children



“Western consumerism is out of control. The kids don’t even accept Haribo anymore. They demand Ferrero Rocher.” Children



"- Who do you want to be when you grow up? - Pizza delivery man... plumber... gardener... - DARLING, HE JUST FOUND THE DVD!" Children



“The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening. “And what name have you given this little boy?” asked the priest. “It’s a girl,” said the father out of the side of his mouth. “You’ve got hold of my thumb!”.” Children



“Haiti Cemetery… Remind you of a school game? BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Children



“Paedophiles are unfairly persecuted. How else are kids meant to get off?” Children



“I and the Wife have called our new baby boy ‘Large’. We pulled his name out of a Hat.” Children



“I just bought myself a Mr. Whippy van. Now I can do mobile S&M.” Children



You know its cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals. Children



My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer. Children



“I added my daughter on Facebook yesterday, now people will just laugh when she says “my daddy is poking me”” Children



“I got into a philosophical discussion today. I argued, “We have no proof whatsoever of a God or a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events…” It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry.” Children



“Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me. Sincerely the Bogeyman” Children



“I resent being forced into complimenting my friend’s Children for doing things that are simply part of being human and take no special skill. Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow, Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there.” Children



“It was an introductory evening for parents and Children at my son’s new school yesterday. What with all the people milling about who didn’t know their way round, the head thoughtfully got some of the prefects to marshal us. It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening and no-one shouted at me once.” Children



“Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted “Service with a smile!” God I love Henry Hoovers!” Children



The other day, my neighbor’s son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, I felt so sorry for him I went out and bought him an IPod touch. Children



“What’s that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their Facebook pictures to cArtoons? Well, that’s okay then, no beatings tonight.” Children



“After being told I can’t discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and decided to take full custody of them. Apparently, after already having had a previous warning, gluing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time. I’m just so confused. What happened to if you can’t beat them, join them?” Children



“Little Susie is on her grandparents’ farm for the first time. One evening, she sees her grandma plucking a chicken. “Grandma,” she asks, “do you undress the chickens every night?”” Children



“I took the kids to one of those play centers yesterday, but never again as it ended in tears. I got stuck in the twisty tunnel slide and had a panic attack.” Children



Tip – Ruin your friend’s kid’s summer by telling them mosquitos carry aids. Children



“What’s the Difference between a scouser father and his son about 12 years” Children



“The hardest thing about being the manager of an under seven’s football team is having to rotate the squad. After the game, they all want to be pushed on the roundabout for hours.” Children



“I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets! Saves money on petrol for my van.” Children



“So, childhood obesity is on the rise. It not all doom and gloom, paedophilia levels must have decreased.” Children



Women shouldn’t have Children after forty. Because, really, forty Children should be enough Children



My girlfriend won’t let me have kids, she just keeps saying stuff like “put those down, they’re not yours” Children



“There is no denying that society is getting increasingly violent, but too many parents are wrapping their Children in cotton wool. I still prefer wrapping them in Clingfilm because you can cut little access holes with a penknife.” Children



“I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. “What’s wrong mate?” I asked him. “Daddy, I’m having trouble with the girls at school!” he cried. I thought it was time…I gave him the inevitable talk about ‘the birds and the bees’ and he sat there and listened. When I was done he paused…”That’s fine daddy but it’s not that. They won’t let me play with their Barbie’s at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt.” He lives with his uncle now.” Children



“My son said, “Look Daddy, I didn’t wet the bed! That’s the 5th time in a row!” I said, “Well done son, I’m proud of you. If you can manage just 9 more dry nights then I’ll take your mattress out of the shed and put it back in your bedroom”” Children



“What do Madeline McCann and the wine in my wine cellar have in common? They’re both in my wine cellar” Children



“My daughter’s nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9×9 grid. Think I need to get her some Sudokucrem.” Children



I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little faces fade when they realize there is no ice cream Children



“I read today that a young school girl made 100 an hour busking on the streets of London. That’s almost as much as a parking meter would make!” Children



“My wife said, “I don’t like your offensive jokes. They’re not funny, they’re disgusting and meaningless.” I said, “So are the kids. But you put up with them.”” Children



“I like my girls like I like my font size. 12” Children



“Don’t you love a child’s laughter? Much better than them screaming ‘Stranger’.” Children



On reflection Hamster Merry-Go-Round and other microwave games. Probably wasn’t the best book to give to a nine year old. Children



Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What’s the worst he can say? ‘‘I’m gonna get my Nun on you!’‘ Children



“I’m considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills. I suffer from depression and I like scaring Children.” Children



“I’ve always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I’ve just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping” Children



“Son: “Mum, when I was born what did you wish I’d be?” Mother: “Your father’s”…” Children



“My wife thinks I’m too hard on the kids when it comes to punishment. If she has a problem with it, she should take it up with the discipline shark.” Children



“I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate I went mental! We got married 3 weeks before he was born” Children



I am so proud my son has been named head boy, which is a bit strange because he is in year 5 Children



My little sister got homework to draw things that don’t taste very nice. I thought I was busted for a second but it turns out, she was just drawing a banana. Children



How many chickens crossed the road? Children



“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours… If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you’ve set it free….. You either married it or gave birth to it.” Children



“I saved a fortune on a magician for my daughter’s birthday party. I told her he was wearing an invisibility cloak.” Children



“I see Miss Beckham is already on a diet trying to lose that baby weight. “She will never fit into her new born designer clothes at a chunky 7lb 10” said Posh.” Children



“My wife and I recently decided to make a will. Our daughter Emma needs a brother to play with and we thought will was a nice name.” Children



“I was in Ads today and saw a mother struggle to smack her out of control child. So I politely asked her if she wants me to hold her basket, so she could use both hands.” Children



“A new study suggests that people with Children are happier than people without Children. Clearly, the study wasn’t conducted at an airport.” Children


  1. “When I was a kid, if I was ever naughty my mother would yell, “Just you wait until your father gets back!” She knew it would upset me, because I knew and she knew he was never coming back.” Children



“Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view.” Children



"- Mam you're a liar! - What do you mean? - You said my little brother's an angel. - Yes. Well he is. - I just pushed him out the window, and he didn't fly..." Children



“I don’t know why parents say to their Children, “Only speak when you’re spoken to.” It’s not exactly teaching them good manners, telling them to talk over the top of someone.” Children



“I asked my mum a question today, ‘Mum…’ I said, ‘ Am I half Spanish?’ ‘Why do you ask?’ ‘Because when I asked Nan who my dad was, she said he was a “Juan Nightstand!” ‘” Children



“The kids are off school this week, Not sure what I’m gonna do with myself at half 3.” Children



“My daughter told me about how she was learning about an Artist who hated one of his paintings so much, he covered it in paint so he could start again from scratch. But in doing this, the effect of all the different colors was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen, so he kept it how it was. I said to her “That’s how I feel about you darling.” “I’m the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?” she replied. “Yes” I said. “But more importantly… You were an accident.”” Children



“I just found out that my newborn son has special needs. Like feeding, changing, clothing, washing….” Children



“So Mrs. Beckham have given birth to a daughter weighing in at 7lbs 10oz I never realized a woman could give birth to a baby heavier than herself!!!” Children



Coco Pops and Milk are a bowl full of fun…. Until you get diabetes. Children



“It’s impossible to cook Children food. I can never fit them in the oven.” Children



“My son has just turned two and so I have just started toilet training. As soon as I can do it all by myself I’ll show him.” Children



“Son: Mom, when me and daddy were on the bus this morning he made me give up my seat for some lady Mum: Well then you have done the right thing Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap…” Children



“The wife and I had an argument over kids again. I’ve wanted to have one for 5 years. She wants to keep one forever.” Children



We’re really hoping the baby will start walking today. If not, we’ll have to drive all the way back to Tesco’s to get it. Children



“I was at the pub with my mates the other day. After a few too many drinks I accidentally blurted out ‘I beat my kids!’ ‘At FIFA?’ one of my mates asked. Errrm, yes, ok. That’s exactly what I meant” Children



“What’s the Difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to squash with a hammer and the other is a fruit.” Children



Really? I’m the only one who thought baby Jack on Coronation Street looked like a recruit for the KKK tonight? Children



After a day of playing in the snow with the kids, it was nice to get back in the house and snuggle up in bed with them and enjoy the comfort of the warm, cozy bed after our long day in the cold. Can’t wait till I have my own. Children



I was playing with my son earlier…………when I thought ‘I wonder if this is going to cause him any emotional insecurities later on in life’ Children



Continues to be amazed at how quickly the human population is growing. As I see the count rise above 7 billion people, I can’t help but feel the challenge to find Wally is becoming all the more difficult. Children



“I hate it when I see parents forcing their kids to have the same hobbies and interests as them from an early age. I’m going to let my son Obi Wan make his mind up once he’s old enough to decide for himself.” Children



“What is red and dangerous to small Children? Me in my red coat.” Children



“even though I have grown up, I’m still into the same type of girls I was back when I was in primary school, blonde, blue eyes, slim, five…” Children



My pregnant wife asked me how I’d feel about a little girl, turning my hand upside down and twiddling my fingers saying “like that” wasn’t the answer she was looking for Children



“Toyota Auris Hybrid, it delivers smooth performance as well as ultra-quiet electric driving. So the Children can’t hear you coming” Children



I was struggling to think up a sob story to help my son get further on X Factor. Then I realized entering him was enough Children



With the growing rates of fossil fuels in our Economy, it will be the naughty kids who have the last laugh in a few years’ time. Children



Just become a father for the first time, if my baby is crying does it mean I am doing something wrong or am I just rubbish in bed? Children



“What’s the Difference between Brussels sprouts and snot? You’ll never surprise your kids eating their Brussels sprouts.” Children



“Children are like rules, made to be broken.” Children



“My 3 year old daughter is like a slinky, of no real use but fun to watch falling downstairs.” Children



“I came home from work today and my mother-in-law was there playing cards with my young son. I said to him, “You having a good time son?” He replied, “Yeah Dad, but you were wrong. I’ve counted them all and Gran is playing with a full deck of cards.”” Children



“I’ve just bought a car with child locks. Now I have to wait for my son to open the door every time I want to go somewhere.” Children



“I’ve just seen an app on the app store called cooking with Children! Sounds awesome but where do I get the kids from?” Children



“Last night I told to my mate that like to I kidnap Children and hold them hostage. He was horrified, “How do you sleep at night?” I replied, “On a pile of ransom money, thanks.”” Children



Kids may be expensive but i suppose you never know when you gonna need a kidney. Children



“Due to a lack of funding, the ISPCC can only respond to half the problems faced by Children… So basically, i have a 50-50 chance of getting away with it?” Children



“I and my wife are having trouble choosing a name for our newborn son. She wants to name him after his proud father, but I’d much rather name him after me.” Children



“Two babies are in a pram together. “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” the boy asked. “I don’t know” the other baby replied. “Let me check” the boy giggled. So the boy went under the covers and came back up after several minutes. “You’re a girl!” the baby proclaimed “You’re so clever, how did you figure it out?” “It’s quite easy”, the boy explained, “You have pink socks!”” Children



Just got back from the hospital after having identical twins. How am I supposed to pick a favorite now? Children



Child labour is only temporary, but a diamond is forever. DeBeers. Children



“As a film fanatic, I see movies in much the same way as I see my Children. In the cinema, every other weekend.” Children



“I saw a headline today that said “Teenage Binge Drinkers are drinking themselves infertile.” GOOD. We didn’t want them in the gene pool anyway.” Children



“New dad Elton John ‘expects prejudice’ …Celebrity baby names are just getting ridiculous now” Children



“Children of the 80’s, do you miss the sound of a playing card slapping your bike spokes? Well now you can recreate that sound by filling the roundabout at your local park with kids , pushing them so fast they tip their head back, then stop running and put your hand out slapping each kid in the face !” Children



So… anyone else notice how Prince Charming said Cinderella was the love of his life yet he had to check every woman in the kingdoms shoe size to clarify who she was….. Children



“I told my colleague at work earlier that I was concerned about my son after I caught him playing with Barbie’s. “Is it really such a big problem? I’m sure he’ll grow out of it” he said. “I doubt it” I replied, “He’s 36.”” Children



“What do you call a girl with pubic hair? Too old.” Children



“Just saw a headline: Beat the child benefit cuts and i wondered to myself, what has the benefit cuts got to do with anything?” Children



I’m expecting a baby, if it doesn’t get here within half an hour I eat for free. Children



Wife told me I was too hard when controlling the kids. How did she notice? Children



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.” Children



“There were problems when my baby son was delivered, we were out so they took him round the neighbors, we had to wait all day to collect him.” Children



I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase, you know, something like ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’. That’ll be a cool name for a kid. “This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen”… Then when he gets out of hand I get to go “Ladies and Gentlemen, please!” Children



“I was shocked when I received the phone call…During ‘Show and Tell’ at school my daughter had revealed bruises all up her arms. Thought I’d made it very clear daddy would hurt mummy if she ever told anyone.” Children



When I was younger my mom always used to tell me that rain drops were the tears of god, you could imagine the look on her face when I asked her what snow was. Children



“My kids love the adventure playground. It keeps them amused for hours. One day I might even let them have a go, instead of making them watch from their bedroom window.” Children



My son was born with two extra limbs on his body and needed an operation to separate them. It cost an arm and a leg. Children



“My wife was holding our baby son in his blanket when he suddenly got sick all over it.’Ugh disgusting,’ I said ‘we’ll have to get a new one now.’ ‘Where will we get it?’ she replied ‘Hmmm…Down in the orphanage I suppose?’” Children



“If only I had been born a Lego brick. I could have made something of my life.” Children



My wife asked me watch our 6 month old baby in the bath…. I did. …. He drowned Children



MOTHERS. Don’t use poisonous shampoos on your Children’s hair to get rid of headline. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an angle poise lamp to cast a terrifying ‘Independence Day’ shadow over your child’s head. Children



I have been leaving notes on people doorsteps late at night, “i hope your kids like dry cereal because I’ve just knocked your milk” Children



“My friend once said to me “You can’t choose your parents.” In response I just said “Well, they chose you, seeing as you’re adopted.” Oh how we laughed.” Children



“My parents hated me when I was a child. So much so, they got other kids to be in our home movies.” Children



“Remember the story of Hansel and Gretel? Well that was my version of events anyway” Children



“I met a mother and her son in the park today, we got chatting and I said “do you like impressions?” “Of course who doesn’t?” she replied, so I kicked her in the face and ran away with her son! I left a lasting impression I think…” Children



“I’ve always known that my parents always wanted the best for me. The carrier bag i was abandoned in as a baby was from Waitrose.” Children



“I just saw a 12 year old boy walk into a pub with a rolled up newspaper. As he didn’t have his parent with him, I presume that was his Guardian.” Children



“I had my daughter crying her eyes out today. She caught me hitting her Go-Go hamster with a hammer. But the tears soon turned to laughter…When she realized it was a real hamster and not her favorite toy.” Children



“My kids are like my jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed.” Children



Dodgems: The only time I can legally ram young Children. Children



“Some teenagers standing outside the office asked me to buy them some booze this evening. They weren’t impressed when I took their twenty quid and bought them a bag of wine gums.” Children



“I made a glue cake for the Children’s party today just so I could say the immortal words.” “OK kids, get stuck in”” Children



“Two of the worlds most searched for people were found in their own homes. Has anyone checked the McCann household” Children



“Whenever I see those weekend dads, pushing some screaming brat about in McDonalds, face like thunder, I really wonder how many times they think to themselves… Was all this really worth 5 or 6 seconds of pleasure?” Children



“Paddy’s wife just gave birth to twins “Congratulations, do twins run in the Family?” Paddy replies “Course they funckin’ can’t they can’t even walk yet”” Children



“Separating Children by academic ability is cruel…. It always ends in tiers.” Children



“My Children had an accident and hurt themselves, whilst playing on my bed this morning. Which is weird because I had an accident in a bed once but it caused kids.” Children



“Through this sorry sordid affair, let us not forget that John Terry has Children and it’s them that I feel sorry for. Imagine growing up knowing you’ve inherit his looks.” Children



BBC NEWS “All baby deaths must be probed” Can like anyone probe the dead babies? If so, I call dibs!” Children



Auditions for the lead role in peter pan have started today, I think lad brooks odds of 1,000,000/1 for Gary Glitter might be worth a go Children



Children in America are so bad at Geography that they only know where a Country is in the World when they get attacked by them. Children



“The Beckham’s new daughter Harper Seven is said to look very similar to her mother. And at 7 lbs. 100 z, I wouldn’t argue with that…” Children



“Girls are like buses. I never catch them after the chase.” Children



“It is believed that in last decade, more than 2 million Children have died as a direct result of armed conflict. Which proves that war isn’t entirely pointless.” Children



“What a day. I took our newborn son into one of those baby-changing rooms at the shopping Centre. I came out with Harvey Price. I took him back in and came out with a little Chinese girl. She’ll have to do. I think the wife wanted a daughter anyway.” Children



I think I am going to name my newborn son Dub step so it will be okay to drop him. Children



“In the news: Rupert Grint has revealed that he has become “obsessed” with his ice-cream van. “I drive it every day. I get kids queuing up outside whenever I stop.” THAT’S how gingers attempt to lure friends, or should we be more worried its kids he’s luring?” Children



“People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him.” Children



“I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a ‘badum’ sound when I hit him. So later I ran over a child carrying a cymbal.” Children



I must say – that little bird Abbie Banning in East Enders is really starting to look rather………………..too old for me. Children



“Teacher: What does a cat say? Little Jonny: It says your 40, single, and desperate for any kind of contact miss” Children



I had an argument with my son over changing roles in our game of cops and robbers. And suddenly I’m the bad guy? Children



“My Ex-Wife claims that when I have the kids for their monthly visit I just spoil them and throw money at them. You want the see the bruise a 50p coin can make between one’s eyes if executed correctly from 2 meters.” Children



“This is how they describe the characteristics of a psychopath. “A pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of empathy or remorse, shallow emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or recklessness.” Now…Doesn’t that sound like everybody’s kids at some point…” Children



The only thing worse than child labour is child unemployment Children



Following the results of the pregnancy test I bought my wife the biggest, cutest “Congratulations you’re having a period” card money could buy. Children



“At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 18 months old.” Children



Apparently two 10 year olds at the same time does not count as a 20year old!!! Children



Little Susie was highly disappointed when she discovered the blue waffle that her dad gave her for breakfast wasn’t the confectionery delight she was hoping for… Children



“I saw a poster, which said: “Have you seen this boy?” So I rang up and said, “No, no I haven’t.”” Children



“I was driving past a school during a driving lesson when my instructor said, “Don’t go over 15” I said, “I won’t, there’s only one in the road”.” Children



My kids are right whingers, today I was in the back garden just trying to play a bit of footie with them but all they did was cry every time I got possession, I got so angry at one point I volleyed the ball right over the fence, which I felt a bit bad about afterwards considering the hamster was still in it at the time. Children



When I was in school all the boys used to say rude words that I didn’t understand, so I’d go to the library and do some coloring in. It wasn’t long before i gave up my job as a teacher. Children



“Child lock’s a great thing to use. As you get your car crushed…” Children



Raising kids is like being held hostage by midget terrorists! Children



“I hate child abuse hurts my hands..” Children



““Awwwww it’s a beautiful baby boy!!” I said to the parents. I was asked to leave the funeral.” Children



“After a seven year old in my primary school had his leg badly broken in a nasty tackle playing football, the school banned us from playing. Well, us teachers anyway.” Children



““Children to face fitness tests”. Wouldn’t mind being the judge of that. I think most kids are pretty fit…” Children



“I was banging my girlfriend last night in every conceivable position, when she yelled out “I love doggy!!!” Funnily enough, I think they were my first words too.” Children



“A boy is walking home to his dad when he finds a used condom on the street so he brings it home with him and asks his dad what it is. His dad not wanting to tell him what it really is he says. “That’s a Twinkie and if you can find anymore fore me I will give a quArter for each one”. So over the next few weeks the boy gathers 20 of these “Twinkies” exchanges them with his dad all at once. Then the boy decides to get a chocolate bar so he goes to the shop and when he’s getting his money out the cashier goes. “Whoa where d’ya get all those quArters” and he says.” “well I found these Twinkies in the street and sold them to my dad, but before selling i sucked all the filling out”.” Children



“I was driving along the beach on my first day as a beach safety officer, when I saw a little girl holding a wire. She was thrashing about with a contorted look of pain on her face. Fearing she was being electrocuted, I got a shovel form my 4×4 and hit her with it. Thankfully she let go of the wire. I don’t care if people were screaming at me that it was a kite flying contest for the mentally handicapped, a little girl could have died here!” Children



“What’s the Difference between a baby and fruit? I don’t eat fruit.” Children



“Was sat in my briefs watching He-man and Skeleton fight with each other when my brother walked in and said, “Double or quits, If I win their names go back to Susan and Jennifer.”” Children



I tagged Waldo with a GPS device. No more questions. Children



“The Children have just left to spend the holidays at their grandma’s: “I miss them already,” says the mother with a sigh. “Me too,” says the father. “Could you spill some orange juice on my trousers?”” Children



Grr I get more pop-ups then Gary glitter at a daycare Centre Children



“I was driving home from work today, when all of a sudden a football rolled into the middle of the road. Luckily I was able to swerve and avoid it, and hit the young child who was trying to retrieve it.” Children



“I was looking into adopting my second child this week and I made sure to look into three vital key areas: 1. The cost of adopting said child. 2. The ethnicity of the child. 3. Time it takes to cook.” Children



MSN News: NSPCC: Abused Children ‘in every school’ I knew they couldn’t be trusted!” Children



“The Sun: “World’s oldest conjoined twins: We have normal, separate lives” I’m willing to bet they don’t” Children



“Did you know if you left a child’s teeth in a bowl of coca cola overnight they would drown” Children



“That difficult moment when you’re on holiday and you haven’t quite got enough money for the last few days of the trip. That difficult choice, which one of my Children can I leave in the apartment?” Children



“It was a waste of money buying my newborn son a mobile phone. Every time I call, the babysitter says “He can’t speak to you at the moment.”” Children



“The new campaign for the NSPCC is called: “Change For Children” I’ll give them 50p to wash my car and a pound if they mow my lawn as well.” Children



There’s nothing quite like impressing the ladies like heading to the local park and kicking little kids in the chest while yelling “THIS IS SPARTA” while performing a heroic pose on top of their bodies. Children



I’m not saying my wife is ugly but when she just opened the door to trick or theaters, they gave HER sweets! Children



“Kids are funny. My eleven year old has been quite happy to come home from school by himself, and be alone in the house for an hour or so until me or the wife finish work. But as soon as I mentioned the double murder that took place before we bought it, all of a sudden he starts to wet himself.” Children



I’m going to call my new-born son “Names”, so that name-calling isn’t a problem when he’s older. Children



“News: Harper Seven Beckham is a “mixture” of her parents David and Victoria Beckham. Ok someone finally found a use for their GCSE Biology.” Children



““Well, I’m not so sure…” I hesitantly admitted. “Please, think of the Children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!” he pleaded. Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion.” Children



“I was carrying bags of shopping home with the kids today, then I dropped one. Luckily the shopping is alright, but my son has got a fractured arm.” Children



Be wary of Santa’s bearing three knees… Children



“As I slowly slipped my index finger into my daughters ring she started screaming “please daddy no, stop it, I hate you. That’s it I’m telling mummy.” “Oh Jessica please don’t tell your mum, I won’t do it again, I’m so sorry….. I’ll buy you another packet Harbor rings.” Children



“I was with the wife earlier at Toys R Us, and she decided to pick up one of those Hula Hoops and give it a whirl. I’m not saying she’s fat but a little Boy who was playing with a Telescope nearby said “Look Mum, I can see Saturn”.” Children



“Just been announced on the radio that girls as young as 13 are being encouraged to buy the contraceptive pill over the counter! That should cut down my future CSA payments.” Children



“I want my Children to have all the things i couldn’t afford. Then I’ll move back in with them.” Children



“My wife said that our kids are like little cArtoon characters, loud, cute & funny Given that, you wouldn’t believe the fuss she makes when i hit them in the face with a frying pan.” Children



“My son’s school project involved him collecting 30 leaves from different trees and bushes. ‘I really should have put a lock on my greenhouse.’ I thought, as I sat in the back of the police van.” Children



“Contrary to what the experts say, I’ve always found that if I leave my kids alone they’re generally quite well behaved. Especially when I leave them alone on the central reservation of the M1” Children



“My daughter came up to me the other day and said, ‘Dad, can I have a new pair of trainers?’ I said, ‘You’re twelve. Go to Taiwan and make some.’” Children



“I got arrested for pulling a little girls knickers down, putting her over my knee and spanking her bottom for misbehaving yesterday. Apparently I am not allowed to do this to someone else’s child in ASDA” Children



There’s a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted Children. They’re basically nurofen disguised as smArtest. Children



Why is it these days kids always scream when they’re playing? Children



“I got my windows reinforced yesterday. Now the kids can’t hear the ice cream van.” Children



“Children in Need says 4 million kids are living in poverty and are in need of a hot meal. Well I can’t provide for them all but I can do a few each night. Solves my need too.” Children



“I saw this Article on being a good Dad on ParentDish.com, which gave the following Advice: “Get into slinging the baby, then you can go for wonderful walks while we rest (and you’ll be the Centre of attention at the playground too).” So I did this, and now apparently I’m “no better than Baby’s parents”” Children



“Every time my partner and I make love is like the first time. Of course for them it usually is.” Children



“My kids are riveted to the TV at the moment. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve got a welding kit waiting in the garage.” Children



I asked my son today what he wanted to be when he grows up. He says he wants to be a fireman. I asked him if he had an urge to help people and save lives but he replied ‘‘no Daddy, I just like watching people burn to death’‘. He is such a character. Children



“I’ve been teaching my little girl to ride a bike, Today I took the stabilizers off. She sped along the pavement, clipped the neighbor’s car, went straight through our hedge and hit the garage door. I thought it was a disaster but the wife called it a successful parking maneuvers.” Children



“Why do math teachers not like dancing? They can’t handle the funk.” Children



Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. Children



“I had a few games of rock, paper, and scissors with son today. He’s so easy to beat… I banned him from playing with sharp objects.” Children



““But daddy, isn’t this wrong” “No, all the girls your age do this with their dads. Now get on this and ride like you have never ridden before…… And if you can’t I’ll put your stabilizers back on.”” Children



“If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I’ll explain to them about democracy. I’ll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what TV. channel. Once they’re excited that they’ll be able to always take the majority I’ll point out they’re not old enough to vote.” Children



“I couldn’t be bothered getting my son a costume for his dress up day at school today, so just told him to take the laptop with him. “How’s that dressing up?” my son asked. “Easy, just tell them you’re a pirate” I replied.” Children



“You’re never in the right with kids. First the daughter insisted that I sent the dog out. Now the son wants me to let mummy back in.” Children



“One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home. My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Gramma would know), “‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet” Children



“When anyone ask me to watch their Children, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.” Children



“I have a long history of suicide in my Family. The good news is it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.” Children



“I like my Children like I like my jokes. Not getting old.” Children



I suppose I should be happy that I am going to be a father to and a new baby boy. But I am really going to miss all those hours standing outside school gates. Children



I was woken up this morning by the neighbors little boy kicking a football against the wall. I told him to stop that and come back to bed. Children



“What do Dreadlocks and Children have in common? If you play around with them too much they get messed up.” Children



Instead of breaching copyrighted material for my Facebook picture, I’m just not going to hit a child for a while Children



“‘Knock Knock’. “Will you leave your grandmother alone, have a little respect