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The diary of James


The Diary of James

By Shahzaib Afzal


A child said to a grown up, “I kid you not”.

Then he said it again.


James took his niece to a playground the other day but the only two swings were occupied by a man sprawled across the two. When James’s polite requests to let the child have a turn fell on deaf ears, he lost his temper and threatened to punch the man in the face.

Upon hearing this, the man stood up and said in a low voice, “go ahead…take a swing”


Albert Ghiorso is credited with the discovery of 12 chemical elements.

As far as the field of Chemistry is concerned, one could say that he brought a lot to the table.

Check out

James’s cousin always loved checking out strangers.

Now he works as a receptionist at a hotel.


Many centuries ago, a meeting was convened with the intention of coming up with a name for the period between sunrise and sunset. However, despite lengthy discussions, a consensus could not be reached.

Visibly exhausted, the chief of the gathering eventually stood up and said, “let’s call it a day!


James’s grandfather was an opponent of organ donations but after suffering from a serious cardiac arrest, he had a change of heart


A mosquito once called its child over and said in a serious voice, “backbiting is frowned upon in our community”.


As the annual balloon blowing contest entered its final moments, James had the chance of winning it by filling air into just one more balloon.

He blew it.


Feeling somewhat overwhelmed by his arithmetic homework, James decided to go over to Gary’s to solve the problems together. Finding no hard surface to rest his paper against, James placed it on Gary’s back and started solving the first problem.

“Please stay here till I have finished the homework”, James requested Gary. “I am counting on you.”

Over the moon

The obese astronaut was over the moon when he found out that he weighed less than before

Punch line

Back in the days of barter trade, an exchange of punches usually took place before people got drunk.

Now it happens afterwards.


“Just two hours remaining till the start of the show and the clown has bailed out on us!”, the entertainment event organizer announced in anguish. “This is going to be a disaster!”

“Don’t worry”, replied the well-connected puppeteer, “i’ll pull some strings”.

Easy way

“I’m afraid there is no easy way to say this”, said the doctor with a grim expression on her face.

“What is it, doctor?! What am I suffering from?”, the patient asked in a worried voice.



“After long deliberation and taking into account the evidence brought forth by the prosecution as well as the accounts of the eye-witnesses, not to mention the lack of any sensible argument or indeed the utter absence of remorse from your side, the jury has unanimously found you guilty on all counts and accordingly has decided to impose the maximum punishment of 30 years of imprisonment on you “, the judge said, as he announced the decision to the accused.

“So what are your views on the verdict?”, the law teacher later asked the group of students that had witnessed the proceedings

“In my opinion”, replied James with a look of disapproval on his face, “the sentence was too long”.

No minors allowed

“We will continue striking until we are allowed entry into the city’s nightclubs”, the leader of the miners’ union told a news reporter this afternoon.


“Someone has stolen my tickets to Justin Bieber’s concert!”, complained a teary-eyed teenager to her teacher.

“Do not worry child”, replied the teacher in a soothing voice, before turning towards the class with a menacing look in her eyes, “the culprit will have to face the music!”.


“I am not at all satisfied with the situation”, the notoriously xenophobic mathematics professor complained to the headmaster one day, “all the students with an immigration background in my class must learn how to integrate better!”.


“Do I need to say something to make it start moving?”, James asked his riding instructor from atop a horse.

“Horses cannot understand words!”, the instructor replied calmly, “it goes without saying”.


Why did the millionaire Bachelor cancel his trip to South Africa?

He had been told that the country is full of gold-diggers.


“The rather unkempt and disheveled homeless person who was captured last week from the scene of crime will appear in court today”, reported the local news anchor. “He is expected to come clean”.


“Do you have a final wish?”, the king asked the captured rebel leader who was being led to the gallows.

“I would like to hear a joke!”, the convict replied. The king, surprised though he was by the reply, granted the wish nonetheless.

Later, once the execution had been carried out, the king suddenly stood up during a council meeting and exclaimed, “that bastard outsmarted us all!”

“How so?”, the astonished advisers asked in unison.

“We may have quashed the rebellion, defeated his forces, and hanged him for his crimes”, the king explained in a melancholic voice, “but he had the last laugh!”.


“Why did you wear that fancy costume to such a high-level meeting?”, the CEO asked one of the managers.

“Because I wanted to entertain the bored members”, the manager replied.


Concerned about the well-being of the newly brought-in Chimpanzee, James asked the zookeeper as to how the primate was dealing with the new surroundings.

The zookeeper shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘he’s hanging in there’.


After the songwriter quit his job over a pay dispute, the lead singer at the band was left fuming and started shouting out loud in anger.

Seeing this, the drummer walked up to the singer and said, “you have to compose yourself!”


Rumour has it that Napoleon hated History lessons at the university so much that he ended up changing the course of history


The engineer was busy conceptualizing the design for new railcars when the telephone suddenly started ringing.

His train of thought was interrupted.


“How would you define success?”, the reporter asked the budding politician.

“It is the culmination of hard work and dedication”, came the confident reply.

The interview was later remembered as the defining moment of the politician’s career.

Notre Dame

“Any idea who stole the candles from the church?”, the priest inquired.

“I have a hunch!”, Quasimodo replied immediately.


Back in the days of the protests, hardly anyone was reachable at the Wall Street. Whenever someone tried to call them, the person at the receiving end would say, “Sorry, but we are occupied at the moment.


“The competitors will start losing their sleep and the whole landscape of the industry will change once I start running my businesh in this city”, the determined entrepreneur announced to the group of investors.


He meant business.


In the middle of a TV interview, the police suddenly burst into the studio and handcuffed the interviewer.

“What crime did I commit?”, the bewildered interviewer asked the officers as she was being led towards the police car.

“Remain quiet ma’am”, one policeman replied sternly. “You are being taken in for questioning”.


After a series of deaths blamed on the involuntary intake of harmful substances, the Statistics professor at the local university was arrested.

He was accused of having taught his students about Poisson distribution.


What did the database expert gift to his wife on Valentine’s day?

Rose and columns.


Why did the banker refuse to lend money to his relative?

There was a conflict of interest involved.


Frustrated by his inability to change a floating point number to a string while attempting his Computer Science homework, James threw his laptop into the swimming pool.

However, it remained afloat.


The liberal minded politician liked playing for the local football team.

He was a left winger.


Over time, Johnny’s personal weight loss trainer had become one of his best friends.

“He stuck with me through thick and thin”, Johnny would tell others while reminiscing about his trainer.


A wealthy businessman once hired a comedian to entertain the guests at his birthday party, but to his dismay, he ended up being the butt of most of the jokes that the comedian cracked.

Everyone had a good laugh at the businessman’s expense.


Despite being subjected to some unwarranted abuse by a rude gym-goer, James maintained his composure and carried on with his routine.

“What did you exercise in the gym today?”, Gary later asked James.

“I spent some time training my chest and triceps”, James replied, “but mostly I exercised restraint”.


Seeing that the Physics professor was late, James, the class prefect, decided to hold an impromptu quiz in an effort to maintain decorum in the classroom.

“What is the physical property of matter that causes it to experience a force when placed in an electromagnetic field?”, was the first question he posed to the class.

Before anyone had a chance to reply, the professor appeared in the doorway and said, “I’ll assume charge”.


During a birthday party, James, who had a slight headache, asked the host to reduce the noise levels. The host considered the request to lower the volume of the music and after a moment of indecision, he decided to turn it down


“My English teacher is very strict”, complained James to his dad, “the other day I was told off just for asking her what the opposite of ‘on’ was”.


Why did the possessed man head towards the gym?

He wanted to exorcise his demons.


“No matter how gross you find a butcher’s job to be”, James opined while addressing Gary, “working in a vegetable shop makes you grocer”.

Elixir of life

“Are you laughing at that joke about the elixir of life again?”, Gary asked his friend.

“Yeah”, James answered in affirmative as he struggled to control his laughter, “it never gets old”.


Rumour has it that Vlad was mercilessly bullied at school for his lack of prowess in Mathematics.

Later on in his life, he would impale anyone who addressed him by saying, “Count, Dracula”.


“How come you were awarded the rank of General by the army chief?”, James asked his neighbour, “you do not even work in the army!”

“What can I say”, the neighbour said with a shrug of his shoulders, “the army chief likes to generalise things”.


After already having caught most of the escaped extremists, the police stormed the Chemistry labs of the local university.

They wanted to arrest the remaining free radicals.


“Humbled though I am by your kind offer”, the waiter told the tennis scout who had asked him to join the city team, “but I have never played tennis in my life and thus must respectfully decline your invitation”.

“Stop being so down-to-earth”, the scout said as he dismissed the waiter’s protests, “everyone here tells me that you serve really well”.


“You stand accused of using excessive force during a police operation”, the judge announced as he glared at the former policeman in front of him, “was cutting off the suspect’s upper limbs really necessary?”

“I was merely following orders, your Honour!”, the accused replied, “my superior had commanded me to disarm the suspect!”.


After having sneaked into the theater without buying tickets, James was thoroughly enjoying the captivating performance when two security personnel suddenly appeared by his side and took him out.

“Did you like the theater performance?”, Gary later asked him.

“I was moved”, James replied.


“I only want players with a winning mentality in my team”, the football coach shouted at the lads. “Leave now if you like drawing or losing!”

Upon hearing this, a boy named Leonardo da Vinci got up and quietly exited the room.


The Senate refused to approve the Universal Treaty of Animal Rights until a heretofore ignored species of rodents was also made a part of it.

Later on, the treaty was ratified.


“Owing to the large number of vegans in the city, IKEA has decided to add a new item to its collection of furniture for sale”, James informed his friend Gary.

“What is the item called?”, Gary asked back.

“Vegetable”, James replied.


James had a plan to make his lazy dog the most muscular canine in the town, but it did not work out.


“Since my dog was having trouble comprehending the fact that one just cannot play fetch on a train, I took the ball from his mouth and threw it out of the window. Imagine my surprise, when my dog jumped out of the window himself and came running towards me later that day with the ball in his mouth!”, Gary told his friend James.

“That seems a little far-fetched”, James remarked.


James’s precocious nephew received a lot of presents from his proud relatives after his school results came out.

He was a gifted individual.


“We were both members of the Civil Engineers’ Club and were on a tour of different construction locations when we first saw each other”, James’s aunt told him, while reminiscing about how she had met her husband.

“It was love at first site”.


“According to legend, King Arthur pulled out a sword stuck in a rock, when no one else could even budge it”, Gary informed his friend, while folding the book he was reading.

“I do not remember ever saying that”, James retorted.


By mistake, the undertaker lowered the coffin into a burial pit that had actually been dug up for another corpse.

He had made a grave error.


“What is this thing for?”, the nagging niece asked James for the umpteenth time.

“It is a loudspeaker”, James snapped back as he put the object on his lips, “for crying out loud!”.


The quality inspector at Goodyear did not like counting the number of tyres produced each day.

He considered it a tiresome task.


The neighbouring countries with a shared history, common language and similar traditions have decided to unify into a single state.

Media are calling the resulting entity “a combination”.


“Thanks for boosting my confidence”, the driver, who had just been complimented by the team manager for making a spectacular turn during a race, spoke into the microphone, before executing yet another breath-taking swerve on the chicane.

“One good turn deserves another”, the driver concluded.

Hard-knock life

The hard-working, rags-to-riches millionaire liked taking care of the household chores on his own.

He was a self-maid person.

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The diary of James

  • Author: Shahzaib Afzal
  • Published: 2015-09-13 19:35:07
  • Words: 2465
The diary of James The diary of James