A Radio Presentation

Copyright © 2016 by Mark Mueller



Christine……………Teleghosts Operator

Gregory………………..…New Customer

Bobby………………..Annoyed Customer

Caller……………………….Time Traveler

Announcer……………….Introduces Program

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this station proudly presents the following program, Teleghosts. At Teleghosts, we pride ourselves at being a customer-friendly Real Estate company that specializes in tasteful rental haunts for the truly discernable non-corporeal life form. Now, let’s listen in on a few telephone calls coming into our truly modern call-center, answered by one of our truly professional operators.

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing

Christine: Hello, you’ve reached Teleghosts, Christine speaking, how may I help you?

Gregory: Yes, hello. Gregory here. I’m a bit nervous. I’m a first time caller. I’m always one for a good laugh. You know a nice comedy or comic-drama? You’re not putting one over on me, are you? Can you really find me a haunt?

Christine: Yes we can, that’s what we’re here for. Teleghosts is a service that’s been established for hundreds of years to provide advice and guidance to select embodied and disembodied life forms seeking desirable abodes.

Gregory: I’m a bit confused. I just held my hand to my ear and a phone appeared and the next thing I knew I was talking to you.

Christine: We pride ourselves on our accessibility, and we utilize the most up to date of ancient technology. How may I help you sir?

Gregory: This isn’t a joke is it? I mean, I am talking to a proper estate agency for ghosts, right?

Christine: Rest in peace, ah, I mean completely assured, sir. May I ask you where you heard about us? I just need to know for our records.

Gregory: Yes, yes of course, I understand. It was from a friend I met on the other side. He said you found him a very desirable residence in some old unused offices. Since he’s an ex-accountant, he really feels at home.

Christine: It’s always nice to hear about satisfied clients. May I ask you how you came to be deceased?

Gregory: Well, I haven’t been alive for some time now. It’s a bit embarrassing really. I’m sort of homeless, you know, on the streets; destitute.

Christine: Oh no, not another road accident.

Gregory: I’m afraid so. My wife bought me one of these new powerful Pontiac GTO cars for my fiftieth birthday.

Christine: She really hated you then!

Gregory: What? Everything was great until an idiot decided to drive a tractor-trailer along this quiet country road. I rounded a bend there was the trailer, full of steaming, stinking cow ‘fertilizer’. It could have been stopped for all the difference it would have made.

Christine: Wow, what a way to go! No doubt about it, in my opinion, your wife definitely wanted to get rid of you. Disgusting, I call it. She should have been charged with murder. Can you think of any reason why she would want to get rid if you?

Gregory: Well, now you mention it, she’s been a bit friendly with the mailman, recently.

Christine: I’d take a vacation once you’ve got yourself established in the after life. Go back and haunt her a bit. It’s good for the soul. A traffic accident is a rotten way to die. She wasn’t friendly with the pig farmer too was she? Anyway, there’s far too much of it about these days. At least when people die in their homes, it gives them a place to start haunting for a while. The automobile has changed all. I can’t tell you how many problems it’s caused for us in the haunting industry.

Gregory: Well this is all very interesting but have you got anywhere for me to stay? I’m really desperate.

Christine: Well, if you want a peaceful haunting, it could be difficult at the moment. There are fewer empty homes on the market for first time haunters. It’s to do what with the new real estate legislation. Corporeals can’t afford to keep properties empty. Of course there are lots of bankrupt shops as a result of the government’s successful small business policies. But main roads and high streets are not that quiet.

Gregory: Anything, really. I’m getting desperate.

Christine: Would you be willing to consider something occupied?

Gregory: Well, as you realized, I’m quite new in this ghost business. I was at a gas station the other day and I accidentally materialized in front of a woman who was filling her car with gas. She got such a shock that she let the tank overflow onto the ground. Her scream scared me so much that I spontaneously combusted. And that was the end of the gas station.

Christine: Yeah, I heard about that. You should avoid that sort of thing or there’ll soon be a real housing shortage.

Gregory: But how do I get to these places? Do you have detailed particulars?

Christine: You are a beginner, aren’t you? All you have to do is listen to my description, think about it for a minute, want to be there and then you will be. Just like the way you thought you were holding a telephone and then you were.

Gregory: Yeah, I’m still getting used to that one.

Christine: Would you consider taking up possession on another planet or do you require a haunting on earth?

Gregory: Oh that’s thought. You mean you’ve got properties on other planets?

Christine: Of course we have, silly. Time and space are meaningless to us so whether we are haunting earth or elsewhere is irrelevant. We are proud of our thriving alien properties section.

Gregory: But wouldn’t that mean that they could come over here and possess our properties.

Christine: Naturally, and they do. Think of some of the really strange sightings Corporeals have reported. Intelligent cloud forms, pink elephants, little people; all grist to our alien properties section I can tell you!

Gregory: To be honest, I’m a bit nervous about going anywhere to view at the moment. Could you show me some pictures to help me decide?

Christine: I have a better idea. Have you tried looking us up on the Internet?

Gregory: How do I do that?

Christine: Same way as you did the telephone but think about a keyboard and a computer monitor. You’ll go straight into our website, www.teleghosts.com.earth. It provides a high degree of interaction and user friendliness with eye blink menu control for limb challenged spirits.

Gregory: Will I still be able to talk to you? I really feel you are somebody I can relate to.

Christine: If you use the video link on top of your computer screen then you will be able to see me sir and I will be able to see you.

Gregory: Hang on a minute. I had my own computer business when I was alive so I’m quite adept at doing this. Okay, there it is. Wow. May I say what a beautiful lady you are. I hadn’t thought of you as a blonde with long hair. Your slight British accent made me picture your hair as shorter and darker.

Christine: I can change it if you want sir. At Teleghosts…”

Gregory: It’s okay. I think I’ve got the gist. You will do very nicely as you are.

Christine: There’s one thing I would ask of you sir.

Gregory: You can ask me anything.

Christine: Well your left eye. It’s sort of dangling out of its socket. Could you put it back please? I’m just to go on my coffee break and gaping eye sockets and dangling eyes are a little unappetizing. I’m sure you’ll understand, sir. At Teleghosts we pride ourselves on our reputable clients. If all our clients are going around seeing properties with dangling blood shot eyes, people might find it a little unnerving. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you browse our website and then call us back. After you’ve put your eye back in its socket, of course.

Sound of telephone hanging up…

Announcer: We interrupt this program for an announcement from our sponsor. Teleghosts has been brought to you by Mike’s Morgue, where you can always rely on courteous and reliable service. We’re open twenty-four hours and day to serve all of your post-living needs. At Mike’s Morgue, you kill ‘em, we’ll chill ‘em. We now return back to today’s presentation of Teleghosts.

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing

Christine: Hello Teleghosts here, Christine speaking, how may I help you?

Bobby: Hello, Bobby here. I’ve got a complaint to make.

Christine: Oh no not you again. I thought we’d taken care of you.

Bobby: So did I, but when I first looked round the place you didn’t tell me that it was a vacation home. There I was minding my own business, enjoying getting settled in and then suddenly, mayhem. Children everywhere, happiness, enjoyment…. it was absolutely terrifying. You described the place as quiet and gloomy. I call that a property mis-management. I could sue you.

Christine: Well there’s lots of people dead and alive that can’t imagine anything gloomier than a late thirties red brick terrace on Jugtown Mountain!

Bobby: It’s nice of you to make a joke of it, but I’ve got bad nerves. I need somewhere quiet.

Christine: Hang on I’ve got something here. It’s just come in. How do you fancy a walk-in fridge that used to belong to a deli? Cool ambience with unrestricted aspects on all sides?

Bobby: Oh, now that sounds better, even ideal. I’ll move in right away. Thank you!

Christine: I hope this one works.

[Sound of ghostly telephone hanging up…
Sound of ghostly telephone ringing.]

Christine: Hello Teleghosts here, Christine speaking, how may I help you?

Gregory: Gregory here again. I’m very sorry about the eye thing. I feel so embarrassed. There I was thinking I was charming you when all the time I was grossing you out.

Christine: There’s nothing wrong with grotesque, sir, some of my best friends are grotesque. At Teleghosts we believe in equal opportunities. But there’s a time and a place for everything, right? Now, how can I help you?

Gregory: Well I thought that this one looked rather nice.

Christine: A good choice if I may say so. Very tasteful. Used to be a country pub but the drink drive laws closed it down. The previous owner committed suicide and haunted the place for a while but then felt she wanted a change and moved on to a library in Bernardsville. They say he’s very popular with the tourists because he doesn’t mind materializing in crowds. Feel free to spend a couple of days over there, sort of on approval, to see if you like it.

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing

Caller: Su dnouf uoy ytreporp ecin eht rof uoy knath ot gnillac tsuj.

Sound of ghostly telephone ringing off


Gregory: What was that?

Christine: Nothing at all to worry about, sir. Just a crossed line. Time Shifters. They can be very confusing to deal with when they call, especially when they are going backwards through time instead of forwards. All their words come out back to front and they start off thanking you for finding them a nice property and then move on to asking you for one. It’s better really if they can synchronize their time direction before they call. They just wanted to thank us for finding a nice property for them.

Gregory: That’s good. Look, I’m feeling quite frayed at the edges I’ll pop off now and try that place out.


[Sound of ghostly telephone hanging up
Sound of ghostly telephone ringing]


Christine: Hello, you’ve reached Teleghosts, Christine speaking, how may I help you?

Bobby: Bobby here again. Believe me, Christine, just believe me. You’ve really messed things up this time!

Christine: You’re not going to tell me that you didn’t find the old deli fridge really gloomy and depressing, are you? You said it was ideal.

Bobby: I imagined a fridge in the back of a store somewhere. This fridge was traveling down Route 78 at seventy miles an hour.

Christine: Oops!

Bobby: I want to make a complaint to your supervisor for giving me a hard time.

Christine: Um, she’s on the other line at the moment. But if you don’t mind being put on hold, I’ll pass you over as soon as she’s available.

Bobby: I don’t mind waiting as long as it takes. You’re not putting me off this time. You’ll get yours, I can assure you.

Christine: Just putting you on hold now, sir.

Clicking sound of Bobby being put on hold


Christine: (to herself) I wonder if I should have told him that I’m the boss. He’s going to have a very, very, long wait.

Sound of a ghostly telephone ringing


Christine: Teleghosts here, the agency that really cares. Christine speaking, how may I really help you?

Gregory: It’s Gregory here. Hey, I tried that place. You were absolutely right. It was lovely and quiet. It was in a lovely country location. There was a beautiful garden outside with all sorts of wild flowers and a little pond. There were oak beams and open log fireplaces. Completely ideal for a new ghost seeking tranquility.

Christine: I get the feeling that this leading to something.

Gregory: Yes it is. It’s boring. I sat there for hours and had nothing to do. I’ve spent my whole life being busy and the thought of doing nothing for days at a time is an absolute nightmare.

Christine: (with a sigh) I can see that this is going to be one of those days. Couldn’t you commune with the butterflies or something?

Gregory: Well, I did try chatting up a bumblebee. I tried being friendly, but talking about the joys of watching the flowers grow just made me bored.

Christine: Gregory, I’ve just had a brilliant idea. Believe me, Gregory, this will be absolutely ideal.

Gregory: You mean it?

Christine: Definitely. You would make an absolutely perfect temporary dramatic ghost.

Gregory: Well I did act in a play once. But what exactly is a temporary dramatic ghost?

Christine: Well, ghosts that have a regular dramatic haunting. You know…tragedies, reenacted murders, and blood oozing from floorboards. Just like everybody occasionally need a rest. Sort of respite if you like. Sometimes they appreciate having somebody standing in for them. You know, somebody to keep the show going on while they are away on vacation. All situations are short term so you’ll never get bored. You’ll be provided with a script to work to so you won’t have to make any decisions. It’s perfect for a novice ghost that’s prone to boredom. And it’ll give you a good opportunity to try your hand at a variety of situations.

Gregory: Sounds great. I’ll go for it.

Christine: I’ve got an ideal first assignment for you. You are required, in return for room and board, to occupy an old country house for a week. It’s quite a light tragedy. The present occupant is a nice young boy who got trapped there and died in agony. He doesn’t appear for everybody. Just other small boys. Sort of as a public service warning.

Gregory: But I don’t look like a little boy.

Christine: Use your imagination and you’ll have no problem.

Gregory: Yes! I must be positive. It’s a long time since I wore shorts. I’ll take it!


Sound of ghostly telephone clicking off


Christine: (to herself) Well, look at the time! It’s time for lunch already. I’ve missed my coffee break again and I’m starving. I’d better go before the phone rings. Never mind, it’s been a good morning, even if I say so myself. There’s still that Gloomy Bobby to straighten out but he’ll be all right on hold. Maybe I’ll have a brilliant idea about him while I eat. Hmmm. Come to think of it, the other day I heard of an empty space station feeling lonely and also there’s the growth market for haunting the inside of computer screens…

Announcer: This concludes our presentation of Teleghosts. Join us next week when we’ll listen to a live presentation of Elvis Presley’s I’m Really Dead and Loving It concert, his first performance in almost thirty years, as well as his first concert from the other side. Thank you for listening to Teleghosts, and we’ll see you next week. Good Bye, all!



  • Author: Mark Mueller
  • Published: 2016-01-16 23:50:07
  • Words: 2713
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