Sex as Flow: Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy

Sex as Flow:

Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy

By Kálmán András Oszlár


Kálmán András Oszlár

Sex as Flow: Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy (2th Edition)

Copyright © 2016 by Kálmán András Oszlár

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Table of Contents


The author’s prologue

Ars poetica

The sceptics’ counter-arguments

The sex as flow experience (flow)

Deida’s relationship-model and works

Transcendence in a relationship – Spiritual Intimacy

Spirituality and sexuality

The reign of pleasure (Sukha-yoga or Bhoga)

Sexual Power and Yoga

The 1995 article on Tantra Yoga – focused on essence

My 2010 article series on sexual continence

My sexual continence series – extra / Part 5



The tantra is not a technique, but a way of life, a philosophy by which people can live happily and experience their relationship out of the ordinary; they can keep up the desire and the harmony. The love which is searched by everyone can be kept on fire.” – Edit Sz.Mikus

In spiritual sense a love making couple is able to circulate the sexual energy in itself and in the partner unifying with the divine energies and powers of the Universe and that rate experience the lust automatically and together.

In spiritual sex the body is just an instrument, the soul and the body experience together a kind of „out of body experience”, consciousness. The goal here is the fineness, the sensuality and the slowness. Sometimes that seems like exaggerated romantic expectation (having bath, fragrances, incenses, candles, flowers) from the women, which is considered as fundamental in eastern spiritual sexual culture.

The spiritual sex is not about snapping of flesh, not about claimed lust, but about self-acceptant, harmonic intercourses where the corporality is nice concomitant of unifying. There can be dissolved, can be accomplished, somebody can find itself in somebody else, which brings closer the experiencing of happiness.

The body, the soul and the spirit must experience the lust together and in unity without having any compulsion and expectation.

The very source of fault is the searching always for the solution in one picked territory by the people who cope with orgasm problems and 80% of the cases they reckon to find it in sexual techniques which is fundamentally wrong attitude. People hope that knowing some tricks could lead them to the solution, although this is not true. They think they are just able to have lust in the exaggerated which is either a fault. They assume they must copy the patterns of porn movies to be hot chicks or bed-sheet acrobat guys however this effort likewise leads to the corruption of morals and to the cramping will of being suited as well. Others think that the spiritual floating brings the lust of mind even without body which is also a harsh misleading….

The author’s prologue

Grasp fully the importance and value of this vital essence of life. Virya is all power. Virya is all money. Virya is God. Virya is Sita. Virya is Radha. Virya is Durga. Virya is God in motion. Virya is dynamic Will. Virya is Atma-Bal [the power of the Self]. Virya is God’s Vibhuti [manifestations of divine power or glory]. The Lord says in the Gita: Paurusham Nrishu. “I am the seed or virility in men.” Virya is the essence of life, thought, intelligence and Consciousness. Therefore, preserve this vital fluid very, very carefully, my dear readers!”– Swami Sivananda: The value of semen^^1^^

Searching for the relevant part of the topic at home for me the realization was surprising: The definition of Tantric Celibacy^^2^^ and Tantric Continence^^3^^ is almost unknown in Hungary. The prior definition (Tantric Celibacy) means a kind of lifestyle, attitude and methodology which was mostly known as “path of the right hand” in India from the 4th century. With help of special yoga methods the Urdhvaretas yogis^^4^^ were capable of perfect inner alchemical transformation not suppressing, but “raising up” the sexual power. Nonetheless they did not live sexual life, but they withdrew ascetically. This goes far beyond the default definition of Brahmacharya which is one of the „non-violence, justice, non-stealing, self-discipline and non-possessiveness” principles recommended by Pantanjali in Yoga-Sutras as continence (JAMA). The sexual self-discipline is the 4th principle aka Brahmacharya (abstinence from sensuality/ apprenticing life period spent in celibacy) which means also the creation of right inner attitude as fundament of the spiritual life.

The ulterior definition (Tantric Continence) is the extension of the recently mentioned abilities to the sexual life, with other words it priorities its spiritual aspect and centers the inducing, the storing and the transforming of energies and raising before, during and after sex. Thus we may swap energies with our partner or we may choose the way of private self-restraint also without its every – basically attached with suppression – negative effects (frustration due to unsatisfaction and other „deviations”).

Realization leads through practicing sexual continence.

Anybody is mistaken, who thinks that orgasm equals seminal emission or similar discharge in case of women. Every involving physical material can be transformed into energy before, during and after love game. In this way the intense of available experience is multiplied compared to the orgasm ending with normal discharge. Not to mention that we have more energy after and we become fresher spiritually by that. The Taoist methods (e.g.: PC-muscle training, concentration developing, etc.) give good physical fundament for developing seed retention skills (Bindu Siddhi)^^5^^ but developing mental skills is also necessary (with mantra and yantra meditation), because without strong consciousness and trained mind the desired effect cannot be achieved.

The Tantric Celibacy – as practical primary condition of Tantric Continence – can be accomplished by help of special yoga techniques. These can be found in the description of the three best-known „classic” Hatha Yoga yoga systems like Gheranda-Samhita^6^, Hatha-yoga-pradipika^7^ and Shiva-Samhita^8^. Beside all of these, some principle of the science of Ayurveda, like the matrices (dhatu) are deserved to be mentioned which maintain, feed and protect the body – particularly regarding the relation of Ojas, sexual secretions (shukra) and prana. According to the description, who perfectly practices the brahmacharya gets veerya (life force, immunity). For creating one drop of sperm the body uses forty drop of blood (by the way, for this we can find reference also in the Ayurveda related to forming Ojas). Therefore a seminal emission is such a thing like a huge loss of blood which exhausts the man.

Therefore it is a fundamental effort to distinguish the orgasm from the ejaculation while we extend orgasm in time infinitely and we entirely suspend ejaculation (seminal emission is only recommended for child breeding).  During exercise the power spent on breeding secretion remains in the body and with help of adequate subliminational and transmutation methods it can be redirected into higher chakras. The process is valid even in case of both gender only its cyclicity, way of loss and intensity differs from each other (men lose suddenly much energy while women lose oftentimes and less energy – except for menses). The ladies master easier, because their energy forming is more equable and with help of this the decrease of menstrual blood amount and pain and the ceasing of related side effects can be achieved.

However, in case of men, the control of ejaculation and stopping of it requires gradual and diligent training. The performance of this control is considered as master level accomplishment via such a physical and spiritual power backup can be generated which makes its positive effects felt in every of life. The intellectual skills get better – better memory and clear mind will be dominant – and the fear from illnesses, progeria and death vanishes.

In case of a tantric relationship the spiritual development accelerates and the lovers may experience the highest levels of happiness. The yoga neither supposes passivity, total self-restraint at all cost, because in most of the cases giving up sexual activity (in ordinary level of consciousness) is impossible and it is only just harmful for the exercising person. It is totally meaningless to set abstinence as goal without daily partitioning sexual power transformation and ascending methods. It is confirmed by the media when ecclesiastical scandals are reported….

Ars poetica


I think this is the real service what the transpersonal psychologists do/offer – it has to be divided from the individual work what they do on their spiritual path. The real transpersonal therapists (there so many of them!) have no illusions about what are they actually doing as transpersonal psychologist: they make place into the people’s mind or soul to make them accept God mentally – on which point the real experts and masters can start their work (it has always been like this). Telling simpler: the transpersonal psychologists are appreciators of the soul, gnostic mediators whose role is needed, because – it may sound incredible – the modern psychology forgot about the soul, about its own psyche (!) which has always been considered transition between limited and unlimited (eternal) time by them. Even today the soul points towards in the heart where God revitalizes the Mortal and silently teaches the Conscious about new fate. The transpersonal psychologists only seat at the cross-road and show the way – they do neither more, nor less.” Ken Wilber

Ken Wilber, American philosopher commemorated on Aurobindo^^9^^ as “India’s greatest philosopher wiseman” and integrated Aurobindo’s ideas into modern intellectual schools^^10^^ with other spiritual traditions.

“…We shed light on our so far undiscovered abilities, we find our real mission, our self-expressing superior abilities what we often refuse or suppress because lack of understanding and prejudices of fear. We discover also the slumbering undifferentiated psychic energy or that transformable part of our unconscious what is available for us and grants us unlimited capacity for learning and creating.”^^11^^ – Roberto Assagioli

The sceptics’ counter-arguments


The joy of God is secret and wonderful; it is a mystery and a rapture at which common sense makes mouths of mockery; but the soul that has once tasted it, can never renounce, whatever worldly disrepute, torture and affliction it may bring us.” – Sri Aurobindo: Thoughts and Aphorisms (465)

„The mysticists naturally claim that the transcendence is not theoretical statement, but a direct experience (or even permanent adaptation), moreover the most critics accept that the mysticists make declaration based on such experiences what they actually experienced. However the critics instantly start to invalidate the cognitive status of these experiences and they are used to apply the following standard reasonings:

1. The mystical experience is not a valid knowledge; because it cannot be described by words therefore it cannot be told to others.

2. The mystical experience which seems very certain it may prove to be a mistake and the mysticists may think that they become one with the fundament of the existence, but it not necessarily means that it happens actually, none knowledge can be absolutely certain.

3. The mystical vision in fact may be a schizophrenic vision.

4. The mysticists’perception of the live lived in the “eternity” at least defending mechanism of which goal is to defend the human from the horrors of mortality and finity.

5. The mystical experience is not real knowledge, because it is not empirical.

I can say the followings to these:

1. The mystical experience actually cannot be described by words or not entirely in the same exact way as any other experience – for example a sunset, eating a piece of cake or listening Bach’s music – and the experience has to be lived to know how it is like. We do not draw the consequences that there is no sunset; the cake and the music or these are not valid experiences. Furthermore: However the mystical experience mostly cannot described by words, it can be still told about and given to someone, if we start to walk on a spiritual way under a spiritual master’s or teacher’s control (as the judo can be taught either, but it cannot be told, Wittgenstein would have said to this that the mysticism “can be shown, but not told”).

2. I would agree with that mystical experience theoretically not more certain as any other direct experience. Far be it from me to “underestimate” the mysticists’ statements, moreover in fact this reason raises those to the level of all other experience based knowledge and I accept definitely that new status of those. I could say that the mentioned reason against the mystical knowledge actually stands its ground which based on experimental proofs (including the empirical sciences also). I think I watch the Moon, but maybe I am mistaken. According to physicists the electron exists, but they are maybe mistaken. According to critics the Hamlet was written by a person called Shakespeare, but they are maybe mistaken and so on. How can we check all this? By contrasting with further experiences – according to mysticist did exactly the same: thus they checked and refined their experienced through decades, centuries moreover thousands of years (beside a past like this the modern science is considered as a newborn child).

The essence is that reason, instead of knocking out mysticists’ statements, in fact (and rightly) gives them the same exact status what any other science experts have whose science makes decision based on proofs.

3. I think there is nobody who would doubt about there are some mysticists who shows schizophrenic elements also and certain schizophrens could have mystical perception, but I do not know an expert who really would think that the mystical experiences are basically and primarily schizophrenic hallucinations. I know about many people who are not experts, but they think like this and it would be hard to convince them in a short way, so let me tell just that exercises used in the spiritual and contemplative traditions (for instance the prayer and the meditation) could actually be powerful, but these are just simply not strong enough to turn plenty of normal, healthy grown up people into wildly hallucinating schizophrens during few years. Hakuin Zen master after his death left eighty three enlightened students after himself who together revitalized and reorganized the Japanese Zen. Eighty three hallucinating schizophrens could not even organize to go together to the toilet in the end of the floor, not even reorganize the entire Japanese Zen.

4. If the “life lived in eternity” is only question of belief as we believe in an idea or a hope then it is considered as part of “immortal project” for human. It is a security system with role of deflecting the death magically and flatters us with continue by promise of extending or continuing life (as I tried to explain it in my books called “Since Eden” and “Sociable God”). Although the experience of timelessness is not idea or wish, but direct sense and we can handle this direct experience in three following ways: we can claim it is hallucination (see 3rd point), we can claim it is a mistake (see 2nd point) or we accept as what it says about itself: the direct experience of timelessness (which has to be submitted under further experimental refine).

5. If the empirical means “experimental” then the mysctism is definitely experimental and it can be verified experimentally. If the empirical means that “something can be verified by our senses or by extension of our senses, then the mysctism is not empirical – as the math, the logic, the literature, the large part of philosophy, the psychoanalysis etc. are not empirical – all of these is mainly transempirical similarly to the mysticism.

In short: none of the generally applied standard reasons stand their place against mysticism in front of regular critic and modern science – from which it seems – what means who react as previously above mentioned, those are definitionally misinformed or accordingly their emotional prejudice act like this. Personally I think however Rollo May^^12^^ according to his own statement evaluated the transcendence, he became fed up with the (false) idealists, the freaks and bonkers, thus he has got tired of them. It is maybe understandable, sometimes similar feelings appear in me.”^^13^^14^^

The Flow


“When you unite completely with what you are doing and you know you are strong and are controlling your own life and feel how good everything is regardless of the circumstances… Then you experience the flow of life in your body as a whole. That is called flow. The flow state has many names. Some describe it as optimum experience; others say it is a flying sensation. Others say they can focus perfectly when they reach that state. Regardless of the words we use to describe the flow experience, one thing is certain: the moments of flow shine brightly among the series of one’s past experiences.” (Mihály Csíkszentmihályi: Flow)

Flow^^15^^ is a mental state of being fully immersed in an activity. You are focused, you take control of the situation, mobilize your internal resources and energies, you are fully aware and you maximize your capacity to perform: you do your best. Your everyday problems cease to exist temporarily, your worries are effaced, and even your sense of time changes: the world around you disappears and you have the feeling of timelessness. Any activity may send you into flow: sports, reading, problem solving, and conversation, playing with your child, any artistic or creative activity or even working by a conveyor belt. In other words, flow depends on the quality of your activity rather than on what you are actually doing.

Flow is your unique experience, and when you are actually in flow, you are unaware of it: the sense of satisfaction from having had a perfect moment fills you afterwards and lets you know you were in flow. The more time you spend in flow, the happier you are in life.

Flow situations: A chess player is able to play several matches through one after another without thinking about anything else. The chess player is in harmony with the game and lives within it. The time is running out. The chess player vainly feels hungry, not even bothered by this. People who reached the “limit” (mountaineers, sportspersons and dancers) are conversant with the feeling of unity. The sexual culmination means also flow-feeling, the believers are able to be immersed on the adequate level either. However the flow can reach anybody daily. If something enchants us in such a way that we are almost living inside without being interested in anything else, then we experience the flow.

Regarding joyful things the sex comes into people’s mind first. This is not accidental, because it is the strongest urge beside eating-drinking and other important demands to survive and the sex has a general reward in itself. The craving after sexual experiences is basically so strong that it is able to reconsider the people’s other, in given case their spiritual efforts, they vainly vow to this or that if there is no key in their hands to raise their instincts. Subliminally it motivates all of their deeds and the controllers of society aim to use this for controlling over the crowds….

We can announce it with full certainty that sexual stimuli are joyful in themselves. Of course the pleasure itself greatly depends on the effect impacting on participants mind and on their free will also (however „forcing games” are in fashion also). Nonetheless time we are programmed to have joy in it. It is a nice trick of evolution to make persons love this activity (which leads to impregnation for ensuring the maintenance of race) while they waste immeasurable on this. The only question is that how are we able to experience our sexuality on the highest level and make it joyful at the same time?

What is highlighted by even Mihály Csíkszentmihályi in his book called FLOW^^16^^ is nothing more than sex has to become complex and erotically developing activity (e.g.: Kama Sutra) overstepping the level of meaningless ceremony and habit leading to addiction. This developmental process ensures that even after decades – the sex may be new, interesting pleasure source full of challenge staying together with the same partner.

The simple „technical” development is not enough for this. Spiritual, mental maturity and getting used to each other is also needed. The essential fuel of this process is a reserved, transformed and raised up sexual power. The original Indian tantrism represents this adepting knowledge also.

It can be observed at developed cultures that sophisticated and commonly religious rites were worked out for upgrading and practicing eroticism. Starting from the antique fertility rites, through the Greek Dionysus mysteries until Japanese geishas’ colorful artistic proficiency (the connection between priestesses and prostitution is ancient).

Deida’s relationship-model and works


„David Deida’s^^17^^ theory reflects the modern, psycho-spiritual, integrated view of late 20th century. During his work done with several people he worked out a simple, profound model on adult relationship. He reckons that we passing through three big development level which are the followings:

1. Pending relationships

2. Fifty-fifty relationships

3. Intimate alliance

1. Pending relationships

1. Subphase: Impulsivity – passion and hatred.

2. Subphase: Classical marriage

2. Fifty-fifty relationships

1. Subphase: The independent relationships

2. Subphase: “The weakling new age guy”

3. Subphase: Animus-anima integrated

3. Intimate alliance

1. Subphase: Open heart, mission, service

2. Subphase: Shiva and Shakti

3. Subphase: Shining

4. Subphase: Consciousness

5. Subphase: Consciousness and shining

Intimate alliance

Beside the dependent and fifty-fifty relationships Deida describes a third type also: the level of intimate alliance which is experienced by those persons who on the one hand created their own independence, on the other hand they are able to surrender themselves to another man or transcendence what they realized in themselves and in the other man.

Who experience the fifty-fifty level, those will be able to release the ego-boarders. Then the heart opens and the complete and inner surrender occur and the individual gives its very inside to the world and its partner. In that time the person gets in touch with its real inner core and starts functioning thereafter. Then the passion awakens again, the passion of the heart which is not the same as the instinctive passion of the pending relationships was. Here manifests the divine, creative, fiery energy effusing from the person’s inner being and giving to the world. If two persons can sense the transcendence and surrender themselves to the cosmic powers (e.g.: the three Trimurtis^^18^^ and the ten Maha Vidyas) then they are capable of the most profound surrender to each other.


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Sex as Flow: Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy

Inasmuch as sexual togetherness is not limited into the physical world and does not mean quick wasting of sexual energies, by this we give free way to higher dimensions in the relationship. Effected by this we may be gotten into the state of flow experience (abbreviated as flow) and in the course of this the couple charges up with energy, while – with focused attention (Dharana) – the couple is submerging in which they are having pleasure. This state of mind is connected with the achieved beneficial effects by tantric restrain and transformation. At first the definition of positive philosophy was defined Mihály Csíkszentmihályi and since then it is referred beyond the professional line. According to the professor the Flow-experience is an entirely focused and a motivationally intensified experience where in the course of this people can entirely focus and properly command their feelings for the best performance or learning. One of the most certain signs of Flow-experience is the spontaneity when we feel exuberance joy while we are resolving a given task. The Kegel and other PC-muscle constricting exercises have been well – tried for centuries in the Chinese sexual culture which is good for controlling the orgasm, the seminal emission or even the menses. In ESO (Extended Sexual Orgasm) described by American authors and in Karezza (“caress”) the Coitus reservatus (sexual continence literally in Latin), used by both methods, differs from the yogi process originally known from Maithuna (tantric uniting). By the prior methods maximum “dry orgasm” or retrograde ejaculation can be achieved and the question arises if we can do anything with we managed to preserve skillfully in the course of the sexual intercourse.

  • ISBN: 9781310355936
  • Author: Oszlár Kálmán András
  • Published: 2016-03-23 02:20:09
  • Words: 23103
Sex as Flow: Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy Sex as Flow: Tantric Continence & Spiritual Intimacy