Sebastian and Christopher
By: G.H Woodgold
A short comedy story!
Sebastian was having a peaceful night’s sleep in his bedroom. He turned over and went more under his blankets.
Before Sebastian knew it his alarm clock went off-Beep! Beep! Beep! Sebastian reluctantly arose from his bed and shut his alarm clock off. It was 9:30 AM!
Taking a morning stretch he clumsily walked to his door, turned the knob and walked out of his bedroom into the kitchen, Sebastian then threw open his pantry and rummaged around for a bite to eat.
He found a box of yummy looking assorted cookies. Sebastian opened the box to discover it empty. “Sebastian!” he grumbled to himself putting the box back in disgust.
As he looked some more he found some whole wheat cereal unopened. “typical Sebastian…he never eats what is good and healthy for him.” Sebastian said once more in disgust.
Sebastian clutched the cereal container firmly in his hands, took a bowl from his nearby cupboard, and grabbed a half full jug of milk from the refrigerator then he poured some milk in his bowl. Sebastian brought his bowl over to the table.
Just then Sebastian heard a familiar sound of the doorbell that clanged a loud: ding-dong The doorbell twice.
Sebastian sighed and walked out of his kitchen and to the front door. “who is it?” Sebastian gave a yell.
“Your buddy!” said a muffled voice from the other side of the door.
As Sebastian opened the door he drew his mouth in a straight line and pulled the door open.
There was Christopher carrying a box of cookies. He soaked to the skin with rain water and the outside of the cookie package wet with beads of water on it.
“it was raining out like insanity.” said Christopher,“here are some cookies I bought.”
Christopher went to hand them over to to Sebastian. When his shoes began slipping on the smooth floor that he stood on at the doors entrance…
“ahhhhhh” cried Christopher as the cookies flew up in the air and landed with a that on the floor.
Bang! Christopher fell on the floor.
Sebastian bent over to help him back up and rose him to standing again.
“take off those shoes.” said Sebastian a bit annoyed.
Christopher did so. “it was sure raining out there.” said Christopher again. “you can say that again.” said Sebastian sarcastically, “apparently I have heard that already.”
“anyway”…continued Christopher “I was just gonna give you them cookies I bought.” he said bending over and picked up the cookies and handed them over to Sebastian.
The box read:woof-woof cookies-assorted treat cookies.
But Sebastian didn’t say anything, instead he handed them back to Christopher. “why don’t you try one and see what you think?” Sebastian asked smiling.
“my pleasure!” said Christopher passing his tongue across his his lips hungrily.
Christopher grabbed the cookie package and clawed at the package with his fingers trying to open them. Little did Christopher know that he was on the edge of some stairs that lead to the basement and he kept shuffling his feet closer to the very edge as he struggled with the package.
Finally Christopher got the package open and showed Sebastian the opened package. “Hurray I got it open!” Christopher said with a tone of exaggerated victory in his voice.
Sebastian just shook his head. “congrats you opened it you won your battle.” said Sebastian mockingly, “in his mind.” thought Sebastian.
“why thank yo-” Christopher was cut short when he edged to far to the edge of the stairs. Christopher lost balance and began to fall down the stairs, and the cookies dropped out of his hands.
Woahhh! Yelled Christopher and did a face plant into a bunch of strewn out cookies.
“you clumsy goof!” scolded Sebastian as he started down the stairs when he tripped on a cookie that was dropped on the stairs.
“yikes!” shouted Sebastian when he too fell and did a face plant into a bunch of strewn out cookies.
“Hey you too?” asked Christopher, “did you taste the yummy cookies yet?” Christopher questioned laughing.
“no…but you will!” Sebastian said shoving a cookie from the strewn out pile into Christopher’s mouth.
Christopher tried to bite it, but quickly spat it out of his mouth saying: “it is as hard and putrid as a dog’s bone buried in the ground for a year!” said Christopher with a scrawled face.
“it is dog biscuits funnyman!” Sebastian said,”get up and help me clean this mess up!!!” he screamed a little more than annoyed.
The two men held each others hands and pulled each others hands and pulled each other up again and dusted their clothes with their hands.
“I will surely get you the best cleaner of floors we have in our house!” said proclaimed Christopher. “well hurry up man and now!” Sebastian said, “and don’t you forget the mop either.”
Christopher ran fast up the stairs quickly and raced into the kitchen in search for a cleaner and a mop, he started to tear apart the kitchen in search for a cleaner. He opened up the dish cabinets and began throwing dishes out and all of the dishes broke in a heap, then ran to the pantry and began throwing packages of food and boxes out of the pantry and finally after all of that Christopher’s eye was caught to a little metal cylinder with the label: ‘‘Hydrochloric acid” on it next to the sink. “wow! what a great cleaner this will make.” thought Christopher, “I believe that Sebastian will be so proud of me for this bright idea.” thought Christopher a little more.
So Christopher took the cylinder full of hydrochloric acid and found a cardboard box and said aloud:
“oh just what I need to put some water in” Christopher smiled.
Taking the cardboard box he ran with the box and the acid mix. out of the kitchen into the bathroom. Then he put the cardboard box into the bathtub and started up the water…the cardboard began to fill up put it began to get soggy and leaky so Christopher thought about what he could do that would make the water stay inside the box. Christopher snapped his fingers and left the water running into the box and ran away from the bathroom and into the living room and grabbed a batch of clear tape from the coffee table next to Christopher’s wooden armchair.
When Christopher got back to the bathroom the cardboard box was full to the brim.
Meanwhile….Sebastian was waiting, waiting, waiting… “what on the earth! is going on right now with Christopher?” said Sebastian to himself, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he is trying to use a cardboard box for a mop bucket….
Sebastian was right! Christopher-as Sebastian spoke those words to himself…was fighting with the ‘mop bucket’ as he shut the water off. When he did, he lifted the ‘mop bucket’ up and out of the tub, To Sebastian’s misfortune the box caved in and the water all at once gushed unto the bathroom’s floor.
Sebastian heard this and pulled a fake smile on his face trying to hold in his temper, “when you want something you better not ask that Christopher. Said Sebastian, “better ask a monkey before you ask that guy.” said Sebastian.
With that Sebastian started up the stairs and ran into the kitchen and to his surprise and terror found the kitchen torn apart, Sebastian’s jaws dropped with a gasp as he stare at the mess Sebastian did. “oh! That Christopher is gonna clean every inch and cranny of this place!!!!! and not to mention fix all of my broken up dishes!!!! Sebastian cried out very lividly and clear.
Not able to withstand himself any longer. He ran out of the kitchen into all the rooms in the house crying: “Christopher! Christopher! What have you done to my home!!!!”
he then realized one place he didn’t check. Sebastian stormed into the bathroom to find himself slipping and falling unto the floor again.
Christopher walked tried to run out of the bathroom to find himself slipping all the way like a woman walking in high heels for the first time.
“you get back here! Right now you childish freak!” Sebastian was now very angry. He got up and hopped like a frog out of the bathroom unto dry flooring to try to avoid slipping but slipped anyhow on his butt. “grrrrr! Said Sebastian out loud.
Sebastian now was to livid for words to describe and ran at Christopher crying: “you will clean up every inch of the house! And I don’t care if your back is breaking something awful by the time your done cleaning this totally whacked out house of ours.
Sebastian finally caught up with Christopher and finally they both met with each other in Christopher’s room.
“you look steaming like a fire!” said Christopher trying not to laugh.
“Well that is ok” said Sebastian as calmly as he possibly could, “you can just…..CLEAN UP THIS HOUSE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM AND NOT MISS A CRANNY OF THE MESS YOU MESSED!!! Screamed Sebastian at the top of his lungs, THIS IS NOT A DOGHOUSE!!!
Sebastian pulled Christopher by the ear over to the kitchen and into the corner where a real bucket was in and said: “now let me get the water big baby! And if I see me spill water all over the bathroom floor then you can tell me to kick myself for one day. Said Sebastian unrealistically.
With that Sebastian was off with the bucket into the bathroom, “you better not move from that spot before I am back baby Christopher! Yelled to Sebastian to Christopher in a mocking voice before he entered the bathroom.
“I must walk carefully-carefully so I won’t slip and be forced to kick myself for a day. Said Sebastian in a laughing way to himself yet in a complaining way at the same time.
Sebastian shuffled like a snail across the floor and made an ear piercing screech as he did so.
When he got to the tub he turned on the water and filled it up with no seemingly no trouble. But when he was done he carelessly hummed a tune and he walked away with a nice bucket of perfectly filled water: La! La! La! La! La! duh! duh! duh! duh! duh! Suddenly Sebastian got a little too careless and slipped on his butt that was all it took and the bucket was up in the air and landed on his head perfectly bucket faced down on his head.
Well unfortunate for Sebastian was not so fortunate and Christopher heard the water go all over and didn’t wait a second he was there like a flash: “look who needs to kick himself now?” asked Christopher laughing uncontrollably.
“nah I can do it you think I can’t for a day anyway Sebastian?” he snickered.
3 hours later…..
this is getting boring-POW! Sebastian kicked himself, how many-POW! Times do I-POW have to-POW! Doooo thisss?! Said Sebastian to Christopher a bit feebly -POW!
“looks for abou-” began Christopher but just then heard a loud knock on the door.
Christopher raced down the stairs and was surprised when he opened it to find a cop at the door.
“what can I do for you officer?” asked Christopher.
“apparently…began the officer, a neighbor called the police department for disturbing of the peace I would like to speak to your buddy who also lives in this house. He said.
“here he is! come right in officer..” said Christopher leading the officer over into the living room where Sebastian was still kicking himself.
“Hi officer-POW! What are you-POW! Doing here?-POW!”
“you and your friend has been charged for disturbing the peace.” said the officer very sternly, by the way you look like a nutcase kicking yourself.
“well you and your friend is getting an official warning from the police department.”said the officer.
When the officer left Sebastian said: “wow that looks fun I will start kicking myself too…for letting the officer laugh and see you like this….
And the two spent the entire day kicking themselves…-POW!-POW!-POW!-POW
Ouch! They said in unison my kicking is making me sleepy….and they kicked themselves and fell down in a heap into sleep.