Copyright 2016 Mario V. Farina
Shakespir Edition, License Notes
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1My Twenty-five Best Puns
I love puns but feel that the only puns one should tell should be the ones they have invented themselves. These are not the best puns in the world; simply the best ones I invented. I hope you like them.
1 What Dr. Jekyll Used to Do
We all know that Dr. Jekyll would drink a potion and turn into Mr. Hyde. There were other experiments. He began drinking insect repellent and this would turn him into a fly. The next day, he would be Dr. Jekyll again. The people in the neighborhood got used to what was going on and referred to him as the person who a respected doctor by day and a fly by night.
2 How the Great Whale Recovered
The great whale Moby Dick was having stomach problems. He went to the whale doctor and was told that he needed to swallow more roughage. He recommended sailing ships. The remedy work. Moby thrived on a diet of fish and ships.
3 The Beggars Made Money
Three beggars needed to make some money so they decided to go into the shoe business. One of the beggars tried selling shoes but he was no good at this. Another, tried repairing them. He suffered the same result. The third tried designing shoes but his designs were awful. All this goes to prove that beggars can’t be shoesers.
4 The Best Milk
Farmer Jones knew that the best milk comes from contented cows. So every day, he would tell them jokes. The cows laughed and laughed. And they gave excellent milk. Pretty soon the word got around. Farmer Jones and the cows got famous and became known as the laughing stock of the community.
5 Suzie Learned
Suzie needed more income so she decided to learn how to make candy. At first nothing worked. Her bonbons bombed and her fruit loops drooped. But she persisted and, at last, she learned, and she made a mint!
6 Directions for Barber Sam
Henry’s brain began to grow and he became very smart. But it got so large he needed surgery to reduce its size. Alas, the operation was so delicate, no doctor was willing to try it. But his barber, Sam Snipper, volunteered for the job. Just as we was going under, Henry muttered to him, “Please, Sam. Don’t take too much off the top.”
7 The Chicken Fads
There is a fad among chickens. They love to have their feathers clipped. So popular is this fashion that chickens wait in line, sometimes for hours, to be clipped. The newspapers have been super busy describing these world-famous chicken barber queues.
8 Solution Found
Mickey Finn died penniless and there arose a problem as to who would pay for the burial expenses. Patty wouldn’t do it and neither would Sean. But there was a fellow who had been very close to Mickey. His name was Huck. He arose and loudly announced, “Huck’ll bury Finn!”
9 A Jigger of Rye
By accident someone poured a jigger of rye into a pot containing a geranium. Strangely, the plant began to hiccup. Scientists were brought in and discovered that the plant had become drunk from the rye. The news was reported widely and people from all over the country came to see the potted plant.
10 Getting the Light to Work
I walked into a room and saw several men on a ladder trying to get a bulb to light. They were turning it this way and that, but the bulb remained dark. “What are you folks doing,” I asked. “That bulb is obviously burned out!” One of the men responded. “Yes, we know that. But we have heard that many hands make light work!”
11 The Versatile Bee
I went into the office this morning and was surprised to see a large bee on the desk. I was even more astonished to hear him speak. He looked me straight in the eyes and announced, “Don’t mess with me, sir. I’m not your ordinary bee. I’m a killer bee! Get that? K-I-L-L-E-R.” Then he stated with a mischievous grin, “Not only that, but I’m also a spelling bee!”
12 A Good Explanation
Fred had been arrested and was being questioned in the interrogation room. The detective was saying, “Fred, you were overheard admitting that you had stolen Bill’s hairpiece. How do you respond to that? “I can’t respond to that,” said Fred. “All I know is that I didn’t do it.” Then he brightened and exclaimed, “Oh, I know what happened. I was talking to my friend Helen and told her that I needed to get some money fast. I had bills to pay.
13 Sleeping Dogs
I went to my friend’s home to visit and saw there were a couple of hounds sleeping near the fireplace. I remarked about how handsome they were. “Yes,” he responded. “They are good looking but they talk in their sleep, and they tell the most outrageous lies.” I was astonished. “They talk and they lie? Absolutely amazing!” Just then one of them spoke and said, “I was with Columbus on the Santa Maria.” The other responded saying, “That’s nothing. I was with Eisenhower at West Point.” I said to my friend, “Those dogs are absolutely unbelievable. But they lie! Do you do anything special when they tell such tall stories?” “Oh no,” he responded, “My motto is to let sleeping dogs lie!”
14 Getting the Parachute to Obey
I’m a sky diver. Like most sports people, I’m superstitious. For example, on the day of the jump, after I have packed my chute, I stick it with a pin just to show it who’s boss. The last time I did this was this morning. I packed my parachute, stuck it with a pin, and made the parachute jump!
15 Something Different
I went to a most unusual funeral the other day. The service was magnificent, the flowers had been selected with perfection, the atmosphere was somber and dignified. However, when we exited the church to continue on to the cemetery for the interment, I saw that the color of the funeral car was pink! Noticing my astonishment, the funeral director said, “Well, why not! The deceased was rich. He could have anything he wanted, and he wanted a hearse of a different color.
16 How Wally Got Away
For committing a terrible crime, Wally had been sentenced to prison for many years. But they made a mistake when they put him in charge of the chicken yard. They had not realized that Wally was a mechanical genius. He walked around picking up pieces of metal and scraps of wood. Secretly, he made an engine and some wings. One morning during checkup, they found that Wally had flown the coop.
17 In the Courtroom
Two fleas were in the courtroom disputing who owned a tasty tidbit that one of them had found. It was almost time for the judge to enter the room. The fleas almost come to blows. Then they decided they had better settle their differences. And they did so before the judge arrived. This was reported widely as an example of successful flea bargaining.
18 Visitors From Mars
Four creatures from Mars came to visit Earth. They accosted a pedestrian and began making demands. The first Martian said, “On Mars, I am a house painter. Take me to your ladder.” The second Martian said, “On Mars, I am a barber. Take me to your lather.” The third Martian said, “On Mars, I am a shoemaker. Take me to your leather.” The fourth Martian said, “On Mars I am from the Bureau of Weights and Measures. Take me to your liter.”
19 Specialty of the House
The specialty of the Pelican Restaurant was bird food. No, not the kind that is fed to birds. This food was for humans. I was fascinated by the different kinds of bird dishes. There were chicken, squab, Cornish hen, pheasant, and many more. I ate and ate. Finally, I had had all I could eat. But the proprietor kept suggesting more. “Please, won’t you have a little more of something,” he begged. “Oh, no,” I responded. “Everything was so good, and I’m stuffed. Honestly, I could not take so much as another swallow!”
20 The Annoyance
On the hour, every hour, Fred would tap his knuckles with a mallet. This would cause a loud bonging noise. Day after day he did this and many became annoyed. A meeting was called. The people decided to sign a petition demanding that Fred stop ringing his hands.
21 Tasty Treats
I met a German gentleman in Berlin last year. He raises sheep. He invited me to his home and laid out some hors d’oeuvres. But they tasted funny. I said, “Sir, these treats look delicious but they taste like dog food. Is there a reason for this?” “Oh, ja,” he responded. What else would you expect from a German Shepherd?”
22 Responding to a Request
It was a miserable restaurant but they were trying hard to gain customers by improving service. I was dining there one day and my meal had just been delivered. The server said, “Would you like some ground pepper on your salad, sir?” I said yes. The server left and was gone for about an hour. When he returned, he was shamefaced. “I’m sorry, sir, I could not comply with your request.” “What was the problem?” I declared angrily, “It was a simple request!” He muttered his reply, “Sir, I scoured the neighborhood and could not find even one pepper on the ground to bring you.”
23 Getting Ahead
I finally found a new job but my new boss gave me advice that landed me in the hospital. He said I should put my shoulder to the wheel. I did! He said I should put my nose to the grindstone. I did! But I was severely burned when he gave me his next piece of advice. He said I should do everything I could to forge a head.
24 The Boxer
When I was very young, I was trained to be a boxer. My trainer did a wonderful job. Nobody could beat me! Other boxers tried but failed! There many challenges but I always won! Finally, the challenges ended and was declared to be the champion boxer. This had all happened at Central Market. One day, Mr. Graham, my supervisor said to me, “Mario, I’ve been watching you. I have decided that you have been a boxer long enough. Effective today, I’m promoting you to the cash register!”
25 At Saragoga Racetrack
There were problems with the jockeys at Saratoga Racetrack, but everything is OK now. The issue had been publicity. Jockeys complained that they did not receive enough recognition. The management decided to make a movie honoring each jockey. Twenty magnificent movies were made depicting all that was admirable about each jockey. The five-minute films can be purchased at video stores. Ask for the Jockey Shorts. At the same time, you might also ask for the five-minute films about prize fighters. These are called the Boxer Shorts.