Copyright 2017 Mario V. Farina
Shakespir Edition, License Notes
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Mario V. Farina
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We all know that Doctor Jekyll would drink a potion and immediately become Mr. Hyde. There were other experiments. He began drinking insect repellent and found that this would turn him into a fly. The next day, he would become human again. He did this every night. The people in the neighborhood got used to what was going on, and referred to him as the man who was a respected doctor by day and a fly by night.
The great whale, Moby Dick, was having trouble with his stomach. He went to the whale Doctor. The doctor told him that he needed additional roughage in his diet, and ordered him to swallow ocean liners as a supplement to his usual diet of fish. The doctor’s advice worked. Moby thrived the on a diet of fish and ships.
Three beggars needed to make money so they went into the shoe business. One beggar tried selling shoes, but he was no salesman and failed. Another beggar try to design shoes, but the designs were awful, and he, too, failed. The third beggar went into the shoe repair business, but did not succeed. All the beggars had failed, but this was to be expected for it is well-known that beggars can’t be shoesers.
Farmer Jones knew that the best milk comes from contented cows. Without fail, he would visit his cows every morning and tell them jokes. The jokes are very funny, and the cows would laugh and laugh. Because of this they always gave excellent milk. Rich and creamy! It was renowned as the best milk in the county. The news got around about farmer Jones and his cows. They soon became known as the laughing stock of the community.
Susan needed to make money so she decided to learn how to make candy. At first nothing worked. Her bonbons bombed, her fruit loops drooped, and her peanut clusters crashed. She was in despair. But she persisted, and, at last, she learned, and she made a mint!
I went to a most unusual funeral recently. The service was magnificent, the flowers had been selected with perfection, the atmosphere was somber and dignified. However, when we all exited the church to continue on to the Cemetery for the interment, I saw that the color of the funeral car was pink! Noticing my astonishment, the funeral director said, “Well, why not? The deceased was rich. He could have had anything he wanted, and he wanted a hearse of a different color!”
For committing a terrible crime, Wally had been confined to prison for many years. But they made a mistake when they put him in charge of the chicken yard. They had not realized that Wally was a mechanical genius. He walked around picking up pieces of metal and scraps of wood. He made an engine and some wings. One morning, they found that Wally had flown the coop!
snails were cautiously looking on as workmen loaded a truck with cases of process snails destined for the kitchens of a swanky New York restaurant. For some reason, the shippers were timid about showing what was in the cartons, and had put labels on them with the letter “S”, to represent the word, snails. After watching for a while, one of the snails said to another, “Sad, isn’t it? There, but for the grace of God, go we.” “Yes, indeed,” replied the other. “Let us be thankful that we’re still alive, and not part of that S cargo!”
The new king was ten years old. His attendants needed to dress him in regal attire. But he became so unruly, that they had to bind his hands and feet in order to control him. At last they dressed him properly, and he made his first appearance as king. The newspapers got hold of the story and screamed it out in huge headlines, “The King Was Tied to be Fit!”
He was so smart that his brain had grown too big for his head. He needed an operation to reduce the size of his brain. But, he couldn’t find a surgeon who would do the delicate work. He kept searching, and, at last, found a barber who agreed to operate. This wasn’t his usual line of work, he said, but he felt qualified to do the job. On the operating table, the barber asked the smart guy if he had any final instructions. “Yes,” responded the patient. “Don’t take too much off the top!”
There is a popular new fad among chickens. They like to have their feathers clipped. This trend has become very popular and barbershops have been set up to cater to fashionable chickens. So many chickens wait patiently in line, sometimes for hours for the service, that these chicken barber queues have become world famous.
It is a little known fact that the famous Sherlock Holmes once spent some time in jail as a consequence of one of his many adventures. In order to solve the case of the churlish chicken, he had gone into a poultry store to pick up a special kind of fowl. Unfortunately, he was in a great hurry and left without paying for the bird. The store owner summoned the police and demanded that they arrest “the distinguished-looking gentleman with the cape on.” Which they did!
Joe knew that he was too fat so he went on a strict diet. It was going well. He was losing weight so fast that it became noticeable. “Joe,” I said “you must have lost thirty pounds. You’re loose in your pants.” He chuckled. “Yes, indeed, Bob. If you were losing weight as fast as I am, you’d be losing your pants to.”
There is much anxiety over UFOs these days. There are encounters of the first, second, and third kind. Many of these encounters are certainly mysteries, but some sightings can easily be explained. Just the other day, for example, a flight the pigeons went by. This was seen on the radar screens, and there was a great deal of alarm. It had not been anything to worry about, however. No one had gotten hurt although there had been a great many encounters of the bird kind.
At the auto factory, I saw several guys on a ladder working with a light bulb that had obviously burned out. They were turning it this way and that. “What are you doing,” I asked. “You can’t make the light go on that way! The bulb is burned out.” “Mind your own business,” one of them said. “Haven’t you heard that many hands make light work?”
Have you heard? The killer bees have arrived in the United States. Bold! They are very bold! One was interviewed on television the other day. He certainly sounded vicious. “I’m a killer bee,” he droned! “Read my lips: K-I-L-L-E-R!” He paused. “And, not only that,” he added with a mischievous grin. “I’m a also a spelling bee!”
There is a very famous company in South Carolina that makes food mixers. They make all kinds, large, small, colorful, plain, metal, plastic, etc. The name of the company is, Dayson, Inc. This firm has become so popular, that is now a tourist attraction. The slogan of the company is, “When visiting the South, y’all, be sure to stop and see the Dayson Mixin’ line.
I hate it when someone tries to hoodwink others into believing that communicating with spirits is possible. There was a séance going on in a home last week. The spiritualist was calling out to the spirits, and it seemed the spirits were responding. The people attending were fooled, and the spiritualist was having a good time. He was laughing loudly. I knew he was deceiving people, so I punched him on the nose. I got into big trouble over this when I was charged with striking a happy medium!
Several whales had been washed ashore. There were rescue efforts, and photographers were taking pictures. Rick took some good photos, and phoned the Daily Gazette. Then he dashed to the paper. “Why are you here,” the editor asked? “Don’t you remember,” exclaimed Rick? “I phoned a little while ago. You told me to rush right over. And here I am! In this briefcase, I have the Prince of Wales!”
Parachute jumpers were holding a contest. The winner was to be the jumper who could land in the smallest target. The jumpers accomplished amazing feats of accuracy. The winner performed a truly astonishing deed. He placed an empty pail on the ground. Then he jumped from 3,000 feet, and won the contest by making a drop in the bucket!
My wife sent me packing. Last month, we had an argument, and began screaming at each other. It was about money. She said I didn’t earn enough money to provide a good living for us. Something had to be done! That’s when she sent me packing! I applied for a job at Price Chopper. It worked out! I’m earning good money now putting groceries into bags! Ann, sending me packing had made all the difference!
in a family of nocturnal birds, four little babies had grown to the point where they were ready to jump out of the nest and make their first flight. But it was a long way to the ground. The mother bird asked who would be the first to fly. Skipper said, “I won’t be the first.” Pipper said, “I won’t be the first.” Nipper said, “I won’t be the first.” One little bird was the bravest of them all. She stood on the edge of the nest, and declared, “Whipper will!” And, she did!
The police came to Jake’s house and said, “We understand you stole bill’ s hairpiece. You were overheard admitting it.” Jake vehemently denied the charge. Then he began to laugh. “What’s so funny,” asked one of the cops. “Do you think this is amusing?” “Oh no,” responded Jake. “It’s all a big mistake. I never said I took his hairpiece. All I said was that I was short of money and had bills to pay!”
Two fleas were in the courtroom disputing who owned a tiny tidbit that one of them had found. It was getting close to the time when the judge was about to enter the room. Because of this, they had to come to a quick resolution of their disagreement. And they did so just to the judge walked in. Readers will recognize the episode as an example of flea bargaining.
My friend claimed that he had dogs who talked in their sleep. I went to see. In front of the fireplace, lay a hound fast asleep. I listened while the dog mumbled things like, “I’m the King of England.” Or, “I wrote a math book.” I was impressed! “But,” I said to my friend, “your dog lies. He isn’t a king; he has not written a book.” “Yes, he lies,” my friend admitted. “That’s OK. When you have talking dogs, you need to make allowances. I find it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie!”
The Viking God of Thunder came roaring down to Earth. He was ride Pegasus bareback. “I’m Thor! I’m Thor!” he was bellowing at the top of his voice. “I don’t blame you,” an Earth mortal replied. “I’d be thor also if I rode to Earth on a horse without a thaddle!”
At the hospital, there was an accident the other day! Some lab workers had taken some glands from rodents and some from humans, and had carefully laid them on a counter to dry. An employee walked by, and thought these items were sandwich meat. There was an understandable incident. This should not have surprised anyone for it has long been known that the best glands of mice and men often go on rye!
Four creatures from Mars arrived on Earth and met a pedestrian. “On Mars, I’m a house painter,” said the first Martian. “Take me to your ladder!” “On Mars, I’m a barber,” said the second Martian. “Take me to your lather! “ “On Mars, I am a shoemaker,” said the third Martian. “Take me to your leather!” The last Martian spoke. “On Mars, I’m from the Bureau of Weights and Measurements. Take me to your liter!”
My girlfriend was fairly normal. But she had an insatiable appetite for bananas. The very best too! She ate them incessantly. After tolerating this annoying quirk for a while, I began to find it exasperating. Finally, one day, there was the last straw! I arrived at her house one evening expecting to find a home-cooked meal. But what did I find? She was sitting on the floor with banana skins all around getting ready to make short work of one final banana. There was no sign of dinner! I glared at her; she glared back. We glared at each other for a long time. Finally, she said, “what’s the matter mister? Haven’t you ever seen a chick eat a banana before?”
at the ceramics company, the secretary wrote a memo to the workers. “There will be an important meeting of the employees today at 2:00 p.m. All are expected to attend. Those not attending, will be fired.”
The specialty of the house at the Pelican Restaurant was bird food. No, not the kind that is fed to birds. This food was for humans. I was fascinated by the different kinds of bird dishes. There were chicken, squab, Cornish hen, pheasant, and many more delicacies. I ate and ate. Finally, I had eaten all I could. “Won’t you have just a little more, the server asked? “Oh, no,” I replied. “It was all so good, but I’m stuffed. Really, I couldn’t take so much as another swallow!”
George loved to drink tea. He would come to visit and stay for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst for tea. Eventually, he became such a pest that we decided to fix him. In order to cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to overwhelm him with the stuff. One day when he came over, we goaded him into drinking ten pots of tea. As he staggered off, we all laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots in a tea pest!
On the hour, every hour, Fred would tap his knuckles with a mallet. This would cause a loud bonging sound. Day after day, he did this, and when people couldn’t stand it any longer, they signed a petition demanding that Fred stop ringing his hands!
When in South America, I enjoy visiting my friend, Pedro Gonzales. He owns a superb coffee plantation. Whenever I visit Pedro, he loves taking me across his coffee grounds!
one of the great stone faces on Mount Rushmore was slipping. Some sort of wedge had to be found in a hurry to stop the slippage until repairs could be made. Nothing they tried worked until one of the workers brought a huge grandfather’s clock. The case was made of solid oak. The item was used to stop the slide, and it was done just in the nick of time. It had been fortunate, indeed, that a clock had been found that that could stop a face!
in early experiments with space travel, they put a two-year-old child in a spaceship and sent him whirling around the world. The toddler didn’t like the experience, and cried all the way. Everyone who had a radio could hear him cry, and felt sorry for him. This was the day this kid began to be referred to, as the tot who was heard around the world!
The nuns complained to their pastor that they were always tired since they had to walk such long distances. They wanted a means of transportation. The priest couldn’t do anything, but he went to the bishop, who went to the cardinal who went to the Pope, who said that he would pray for a solution. Soon after this, the Pope sent a message to the nuns saying that they should pick up some pears from the ground, hollow them out, and leave them in the church’s garage overnight. They did this. The next day the nuns found that the hollowed-out fruit had been transformed into comfortable vehicles. And from that day, the nuns have always traveled in pears.
A bottle of Coke in French onion soup gives the soup an extra special taste. To Cokes or three don’t have the same effect. In fact, more than one makes things worse. There is a moral to this: too many Cokes spoil the broth.
When young, I trained to be a boxer. I became very good at it. Nobody could beat me! Other boxers, thinking they might be better than I, would challenge me to contests, but they would always change their minds when they saw me box. One day Mr. Graham, the owner of supermarket, told me that I had been boxing long enough. He said that, effective the next day, he was promoting me to the cash register!
Mickey Finn had died penniless, and there arose a problem as to who would pay his burial expenses. Patty wouldn’t do it; neither would Sean. But there was a person who had been a very close friend of Mickey. His name was Huck. He rose to his feet and loudly declared, “Huck’ll bury Finn!”
He was a cowpoke and an amateur inventor. One day he invented a cowboy boot with a phone built into the heel. He felt that, now, he would always have a phone nearby, no matter what emergency might arise. He made several of these devices in various styles and stashed them all over his house. One day an emergency came up. He needed a phone real bad! But, would you believe it, when he needed it most, he couldn’t find a single telephone boot!
The buyer for a colony of bees buzzed off to a fashion show and purchased a lot of new clothes for the bees in the hive. However. this bee made terrible choices, and none of the other bees would wear the clothing. “Oh, who will wear these new clothes, who will wear them,” lamented the bee? “Let the Buyer Bee wear,” responded the other bees!
It was during my Navy days. We were on a ship traveling to the far East. I spotted an island which seemed to like a massive crags rising from the water. I asked to visit the island and was given permission to do so. Onshore I saw a strange sight. There was a gentleman dressed in an elegant tuxedo seated on a boulder. He was munching on steak and sipping something from a tall grass. Not a word was spoken. Back on the ship they asked what I had seen. “It was a wondrous sight to behold,” I responded, “a beef eater on the rocks!”
My girlfriend’ s name is Beth. Do you know her? She’s the cute little girl who wears her hair in braids. I love to go places and do things with her. She’s a little careless, though and I worry about her a lot. This morning, we were at the beach. If you had been around when the sun came up, you would have seen me near the shore wading with braided Beth!
I met a nice German gentleman in Berlin last year. He raises sheep. He invited me to his home, and put out some goodies. They tasted funny. I said, “Sir, these treats look delicious, but they taste like dog food.” “Oh, sure,” he responded, “what else would you expect from a German shepherd?”
I was at the racetrack yesterday, and made money with the horse I had bet on. I won because the horse had been scratched! He came in at 20 to 1. I couldn’t have cashed in if the horse had not been scratched. You see, I knew something the others didn’t. I had met the trainer just before the race and he told me something that was not well known. The training informed me that whenever the horse was scratched behind the ear, he always came in first! And yesterday, he had been scratched! I had secretly done it just before the race!
The doctor was famous for his skill in plastic surgery. I Went to see him. He took me into the private salon where there were samples of body parts, including lips, ears, chins, etc. There were lots of customers examining them. One person was deciding what kind of chin to select, another was looking at ears. In a corner of the room, I saw a person surreptitiously picking his nose.
They were walking through the woods in Holland. “Gretchen, can I have a kiss,” he asked. “No, Hans,” she replied. They walked a little more, and he repeated his request. “No, Hans,” she said. Suddenly, she stumbled and her shoe came off. He picked it up. “Wooden shoe,” he asked? “Well,” she answered, “now that I’ve thought it over, maybe just a tiny kiss.”
It was a company that produced a truly superior product as a butter substitute. Unfortunately, the company went under some time ago when it received an order for 90,000 pounds of the stuff. One of the employees made a mistake in the preparation of the product, and much of the order could not be delivered promptly. The error was fatal because the company had not allowed enough margarine for error.
It was a miserable restaurant, but they were trying hard to improve their reputation. They wanted to provide more service. I was dining there one day, and the meal had just been delivered. The server asked, “Would you like some ground pepper on your salad, sir?” I replied, “yes.” The server disappeared, and was gone for nearly an hour. When she returned, she was shamefaced. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I cannot comply with your request. I scoured the neighborhood, and could not find even one pepper on the ground to bring you.”
We’ve all heard about the guy who walked into a bar. It was made of solid steel, and the poor fellow fell unconscious to the floor. The bar is located in a very nice restaurant on 15th Street. The entrées there are delicious, the drinks, excellent, and the service first rate. But, you must avoid the solid bar.
This morning, I was in the dumps. The fact is that I had been in the dumps all week. There was nothing good happening at all. I was very sad. A change was due. Then suddenly, it happened! While I was in the dumps, I found a refrigerator and a range that were in pretty good shape, and I took them home! Finally, I had found something good while I had been in the dumps!
He told dreadful puns which usually elicited groans from his listeners. The louder people groaned, the better he liked it. After a while the populace took to calling him, Groan Man. Ultimately, the awful pun telling got so bad, there was no choice but to surgically remove the pun center from his brain. This was done. He took it hard and wept bitterly. Truly, the distressing experience had been enough to make a grown man cry!
Swiss chard hasn’t always been Swiss. It was French at one time, but the French didn’t want it. The French tried to have the English take over the chard, but the English didn’t want it. They tried the Italians, and the Danes, but there were no takers. Eventually, the Swiss tried the chard and liked it so much they accepted the gift. From that point, its name became Swiss chard. In Berne, they hold a ceremony each year to commemorate the event. They call it, the changing of the chard.
Harriet’s Doughnut House a very popular place to buy doughnuts. This is because the donuts in this establishment are not of the usual varieties. They come in an array of various colors. There are green, purple, yellow, orange, and even striped ones. One might say this is a house of a different cruller!
The following is a word puzzle. I’ll give you the answer to a question, and you’ll have to tell me what the question is. Not any question will do. It has to be a funny question. Here is the answer: Mountain Grown! What is the question? Give up? The question is, What does a cowboy do when he jumps on the saddle that has a burr on it?
Harry got into trouble when visiting the Yukon. He entered a charming village. The inhabitants were having an eating contest concerning who could eat the most, and Harry dared to challenge Charlie Chu who was the very popular current champ. Harry won by taking bigger bites than Charlie. Because of his victory against the beloved champ, Harry was driven from the land. He barely escaped with his life. He had discovered the truth of the old adage that one should never bite off more than Yukon Chu!
In the faraway north, there lived a distinguished old bird who had done much good for the other birds in the area. They gave her a birthday party. Her bird friends knew that she drank V-8 for its vitamins, so they put a can of V-8 into a gin toast. After the toast, she began to laugh. “Why are you laughing,” they asked? “Look at me,” she replied. “I’m a 1968 tundra bird with a powerful V-8 in gin!”
Albert had heard that Turkey meat is a good food for losing weight. It’s nutritious, low in calories, tastes good, etc. But it has to be ice cold in order to work. He tried the diet for six months, but didn’t lose an ounce; in fact, he gained weight. Finally, one morning, in disgust, Albert was heard to exclaim, “This diet doesn’t work. As of today, I quit cold turkey.”
All the ghosts in the world were having a conference at spooky hollow hotel in the Catskills. Most of the guests were going around taking ghastly pictures of each other. One ghost asked a friend to take a picture of him. “I do love to take a picture of you,” the friend replied, “but my camera’s battery is running down. The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak!”
Jerry had awaited the death of his grandfather because he had been told that he would inherit a fortune. Weighing only 90 pounds, Jerry looked forward to dining in the best of restaurants on the best of foods. The day finally arrived; the old gentleman died. Jerry inherited a fortune, all right! It was one lonely fortune cookie. It was gone the very first day. It could be truly said that the inheritance had disappeared into thin heir.
my doctor used to be a dedicated person, but now, he has a problem. He can’t seem to take the time to listen to the complaints of the people who come to him seeking medical attention. Because of this, fewer and fewer people are making appointments to see him. The outcome was predictable. I hear that he’s shutting down his office on the first of the month for lack of patients.
Recently, while strolling in General Grant Park in the big city, my friend was injured. The story he told was incredible. Simply unbelievable! He said that while he was walking in the park, minding his own business, at about eight o’clock in the evening, he was mugged by the statue.
Apple computers are very popular in schools. There is an interesting one in the computer lab on the sixth floor of the Sage building. Students have arranged it so that when pictures of pastries need to be turned upside down, it is the computer that rotates. Hard to believe? Soon, during your coffee break, go visit the lab. You’ll be fascinated to see the Apple turn over.
She was having trouble with a bad varicose vein. She was thinking of having it removed, but it never happened. Sheila discovered that this vein had the ability to forecast the weather. When the vein felt cold, the weather was going to be frigid; when it felt hot, the weather was going to be scorching, etc. She decided to keep it because she had become dependent upon her reliable weather vein.
The bunny was nicknamed Punny Rabbit because he loved to tell atrocious puns. One day, he came to work with a ruby-red nose. Jane asked him why his nose looked so odd. “Because I’m not on an even keel,” he quipped. “I’m tipsy,” he added, “but I haven’t had a thing to drink!” “Tell me another,” Jane replied. “Punny Rabbit, I think you’re full of hops!”
They became unfriendly at the party when I told them that I had come down with the bug. They scattered and avoided me for the rest of the evening. All attempts I made to be friendly, were rejected. Finally exasperated, I left early. I got into my classic, 1955 VW beetle and drove home!
The famous general died and was cremated. It was desired to take his ashes to a prestigious cemetery for burial. There was to be a ceremony where the president of the United States was to speak. On the appointed date, it was found that there were no planes with which to transport the ashes. Something had to be done. At the last minute, someone thought of using a helicopter. One was found, and the day was saved. Someone should have thought about a helicopter sooner, for it is well-known that the whirlybird gets the urn.
I’m a sky diver. Like most sports people, I’m superstitious. For example, on the day of a jump, after I have packed my chute, I stick it with a pin just to show it who’s boss. The last time I did this was early today. I packed the parachute, stuck it with a pin, and made the parachute jump!
Jimmy, a delivery boy in San Antonio, was delivering a load of pies. Suddenly he tripped on a crack in the pavement, and dropped them. Not only that, but he fell smack in the middle of them. Bystanders were greatly amused. The local wit couldn’t let the opportunity go by. “Smile, Jimmy,” he shouted. “The pies of Texas are upon you!”
A Slap on the Back
One morning, Marty and Jim were on route 7 on their way to work. Jim was driving. Suddenly Marty struck Jim on his back sending the car out of control and causing an accident. The two landed in the hospital. The police visited, and began asking questions. “I may have caused the accident,” Marty said. “But it wasn’t my fault. I was lighting a cigarette. Look, here on this matchbook, it says, ‘For safety, strike on back’!”
Tim Burke went to work for a stingy businessman. At the end of the week, the skinflint gave the young man a spool of thread as payment for the week’s work. Tim was momentarily startled and didn’t know what to say. But then, he began to laugh. “What are you laughing at,” the miser demanded? “This is funny,” Tim replied. “You didn’t give me much in payment for a full week’s work, but, at least, you kept me in stitches!”
My first boss gave me bad advice. He said I should put my shoulder to the wheel. I did. He also said I should put my nose to the grindstone. I did that too. But I was severely burned by the furnace, and landed in the hospital, when I tried to do what he said next. He said I should forge ahead!
Karen and Keith Robinson were marooned on a desert island. It was OK at first, but after a while, they yearned to be rescued. They wanted to write a message, and cast it adrift in a bottle. The had a bottle but no paper. They thought of something to do though it would cause Keith much pain. A few days later, a passing ship picked up the bottle with a message inside. The Robinsons were saved! “How were you able to pull it off? How did you manage to get rescued,” they asked Mrs. Robinson? “We had no paper,” she replied. “We had to improvise. I guess you might say we were saved by the skin my Keith!”
When training horses, special emphasis has to be placed on the word, whoa. Horses must understand what this word means; otherwise, terrible accidents might happen. A book has just been published that tells what can happen if horses don’t fully understand what this word means. The little book is entitled, Tales of Whoa.
I was walking by the blacksmith’s shop and saw that he was busy at work. He was swinging teeny, tiny hammer on a teeny, tiny anvil. I came closer and saw that he was making teeny, tiny horseshoes. Curious, I asked why he was swinging a teeny, tiny hammer on a teeny, tiny anvil making teeny, tiny horseshoes. “Oh,” he said. “You don’t know why I’m swinging a teeny, tiny hammer on a teeny, tiny anvil, making teeny, tiny horseshoes?” “No,” I replied. “I sure don’t.” “Well,” he said. “I’ll tell you why.” He pointed into the air. “See those horse flies,” he growled? “I hate them, but, though I despise them, I’m shoeing flies!”
I believe in reincarnation I’ve experienced it myself. Once I was a bird; another time, a goat. I’m a human now, and elderly. I’m due for another transformation. There are signs indicating this will happen soon. Lately I’ve taken to the grassy Hills, and have enjoyed running around. I haven’t had so much fun since I was a kid!
By accident, someone poured a jigger of rye into a pot containing a geranium. Strangely, the plant began to hiccup. Scientists were brought in and they found that the plant got drunk whenever someone gave it booze. The word got around, and people began coming from all over the world to see the potted plant.
Fred stood on a wooden box. He wrote Jefferson on a slip of paper and let it float to the floor. He did the same with some paper that had the Clinton on it. Finally, he did the same thing with a slip containing the name Obama. “What on earth are you doing, Fred, “ I asked? He didn’t reply. I asked again and again. He continued to say nothing. Then the answer dawned on me. He was only doing what came naturally to him. Fred was a name dropper.
Fred took off one of his shoes. He tapped lightly on its toe, and said “beep, beep.” He did this again and again. There was a silly grin on his face. I looked in amazement trying to figure out what Fred was up to. Finally, I just had to ask him. “What are you doing, Fred?” He smiled and said, “I’m testing my shoe horn!”
Fred stepped on a box, then jumped off while, at the same time, giving a little cough. He did this again. He repeated this activity several more times. Annoyed, I asked, “Fred, what in the world are you doing?” I should have known the answer would be asinine. “I’ve always wanted to be an actor,” he responded. “I’m playing the part of a cough drop.”
What do pork and banana do in the lumberyard? Pork chops and banana splits.
At the burlesque theater, what do bacon and orange do? Bacon strips and orange peels.
In the restaurant, what do asparagus and lettuce do? Asparagus tips and lettuce leaves.
In the jungle, what do asparagus and bamboo do? Asparagus spears and bamboo shoots.
In the garden, what do pumpkin and egg do? Pumpkin seeds and egg plants.
In the butcher shop, what do potato and pineapple do? Potato skins and pineapple slices!
Speaking of identified flying objects, a fleet of tiny space ships arrived recently from Mars. The ships and their crews were so small, they were able to make headquarters on the handle of an axe. The little group of explorers was spotted by a child who decided to capture them with a butterfly net. She rushed to do this, but was just a few seconds too late. Just as she arrived, she found that the space travelers were flying off the handle.
I opened a package of chocolate chip cookies, and was about to sink my teeth into one, when it cried out, “Don’t eat me!” I was so startled, I dropped the cookie. I picked it up, and was about to bite into it when, again, it exclaimed, “Don’t eat me!” As before, I dropped it. This happened over and over until, finally, I put the chocolate chip back into the box. I never did eat it. Now, wasn’t that a smart cookie?
I used to be afraid of driving on ice. Last year, I solve the problem. I bought a car with four-wheel drive. From that time I was no longer afraid of ice. I was also afraid of walking on ice. It took some ingenuity to solve this problem. Being an amateur inventor, I made a pair of boots that had two heels on each foot. When there is ice on the ground, I wear them. Now, I’m always safe because these boots give me four-heel drive!
There were problems with the jockeys at Saratoga Racetrack, but things are OK now. The issue had been publicity. Jockeys claimed they did not receive enough recognition. The owners agreed to make a movie about each jockey. Twenty individual movies were made which depicted all that was admirable about each rider. These five-minute films can be purchased at video stores. Ask for the Jockey Shorts. And, while you’re there, asked to see the five-minute films about famous prize fighters. They are called the Boxer Shorts.
Jake was a carpenter of great renown. He was famous for the windows he designed and manufactured. But as time went by, he became careless and lazy. He even gained a great deal of weight. One day, one of his customers said, “Jake, you used to be a great carpenter, but now you make a better door than a window.”
Bobby came running into the house. “Mommy, Mommy,” he cried. “Al fell from the top of a haystack!” “Oh, my,” exclaimed his mother. “Did he fall from a small haystack?” “No, Mom,” the boy responded. “It was a big one. Al fell fa’!”
What is an A Pun? An A Pun is something you wear in the kitchen.
What is a D Pun? A verb. To D Pun is to make deeper.
What is a K Pun? A K Pun is a kind of chicken.
What is an L Pun? And L Pun is a really big animal that never forgets.
What is an M Pun? This is all explained in a famous book, the rise and fall of the Roman M Pun.
What is O Pun. An adjective. O Pun means not closed.
What is a Q Pun? There are lots of these in the daily newspapers. With a Q pun, you get a discount at the supermarket.
What is an R Pun? R Pun happens to fruit. You should wait for fruit to R Pun before eating it.
What is a T Pun? A small spoon. Three of these make a Table Pun.
Few people know that a time of the year was named in honor of Pocahontas. She was famous, of course, for saving the life of John Smith. But there is more to the story. She was a wizard at adding numbers. She could add with amazing speed. It was discovered on an unusually mild November day in 1620. From that time, in her memory, a warm spell in November has become known as Indian summer.
It was my birthday. There was a surprise party, gifts, and a huge cake in the middle of the room. I saw that the cake had a hinged top and, therefore, I expected that it would open, and a beautiful girl would step out. Suddenly, the top began to move, and I waited with great anticipation. Instead of a girl, a gentleman, elegantly dressed in a tuxedo, came out. He raised a glass and said, “Happy birthday to you, sir!” It was all right, I suppose. The party and the gifts were nice. but, I was a little disappointed with the pop-up toaster.
I quit smoking, but I still have one of those gizmos for lighting cigarettes. I wanted to see if it still worked. Nearby, there were two bottles filled with liquid. I picked both of them up and weighed them. I tried the heavier fluid and it didn’t work. It turned out to be water. Shouldn’t I have known enough to use the lighter fluid?
Learning to Dance
She was a promising young ballerina from Russia. In the theater, she was referred to as the great Zavlov. But she needed a little more polishing before she could hit the really big time. This was accomplished in April with the aid of a famous Swedish choreographer named Sven C. Ternztu. A bonus for both of them was that they fell in love and were married. A book telling all about this begins with the sentence: “In the spring, a young man, Sven C. Ternztu taught Zavlov.”
There was a scandal brewing in town. It seemed that there was a meat market selling beef that was suspected of being dog meat. Suspiciously, the market was located near a shelter for dogs. The police began an investigation that lasted for weeks. Finally they were ready to take action. Soon after that, the morning papers blazoned out to the news that dog meat was being sold by the pound.
I think my boss doesn’t like me. Just the other day, she told me she didn’t like any of my gifts. I hadn’t given her any! I couldn’t be mistaken about what I heard. My boss had been very clear. She had said, “George, get out of my office, I can’t stand your presence!”
The gentleman visited his dentist complaining that his teeth kept falling out of his mouth. He had tried superglue, he said, even clips, staples, hooks, etc. Nothing worked. “What kind of dentifrice do you use,” asked the dentist. “Oh, I don’t use that,” admitted the patient.” “Ah hah!” exclaimed the doctor, “It’s no wonder you have a problem. To keep your teeth from falling out, you must begin using tooth paste.”
The new sky diver leapt out of the plane. Something had obviously gone wrong, for he went straight down and landed in a haystack. Miraculously he was not hurt. His trainer asked him about the parachute. Why hadn’t he strapped it on? “Para what,” the sky diver asked? “Parachute, parachute,” shouted the trainer. “Why didn’t you strap on your parachute?” “Oh,” replied the adventurer, “now I know what happened. I thought you said I should strap on a pair of shoes!”
When I was little, I used to swallow live caterpillars. This didn’t hurt them any since they would eventually get out one way or the other. Nowadays, I am appalled at the mere idea of what I used to do. Every time I think about it I get butterflies in my stomach!