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My Idea For An Ideal Heaven

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My Idea For An Ideal Heaven

by: Jonathan Antony Strickland

So… Let’s see… What is it I don’t like? What can’t I stand? What would I have to get rid of to make my ideal heaven? Without a shadow of a doubt the thing I personally would get rid of is people. Yes, you heard me right… People! And not just the ones that spoil it for the rest of us, though I do agree these would be the first to go. No… I’d get rid of the lot of you… No exceptions… Be they young or old. Black or white. Strong or weak. Intelligent or moronic. Nice or nasty. All gone. Wiped from the face of the earth. Just imagine it. All your meaningless gossip, all your ridiculous and pointless beliefs, all gone!

Splendid! Now there’s just me and the animals. Lot’s and lot’s of animals… All barking and meowing, squeaking and squawking, howling and roaring… Do they ever shut up! Bloody things. And the big ones get hungry as well. Could get quite dangerous you know! What with me here all by myself. Hmmm… You know what… Come to think of it, I’ve never liked animals. Bunch of twats the lot of them. So they can bugger off as well.

Ah… Now that’s better… No more noise. Just me, the world and the plants…

Hmmm… Plants… When you get down to it… Once you’ve looked at them from all angles… Seen the flowers and smelt their perfume… Well there’s not much else to them is there! And what do they do? Grow! What good’s that to me? Growing all over the damned place. With your roots and stalks tripping me up with every sodden step I take, your evil little thorns tearing at my poor defenceless flesh… No no no no no… I’m not having it I tell you… Stupid bloody plants… You’ve had it way too easy for far too long. So go on, do me a favour, sling your hook and get lost!

Now that’s much better. No people. No animals. No plants… Just me and the rocks for the rest of eternity. Paradise at last.

The thing I hate about rocks is… God rocks are ugly… I mean deathly gray and shit brown… Couldn’t they come up with some better colours. O.K there are other coloured rocks but they’re all wishy-washy colours. Calling them bland would be paying them far too much of a complement. And the way they just sit there all smug… Urgghhh! Doing nothing. Not saying a word… Just… just… well sitting! I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but it kinda creeps me out a bit to tell the truth… And another thing, why so cold? Creepy little bastards. Nope there’s nothing else for it… They’ve got to go as well.

So here I am.

Just me.


Floating in space.

Just me and the stars floating.

Just floating.

All is peaceful.

All is still.

All is serene.

Just me and lots and lots of twinkly stars.

Lovely. This is so much better. The peace. The quiet. The…

Hold on a second… Excuse me but DO YOU HAVE TO TWINKLE SO FUCKING MUCH!!!

Oh look at us twinkle twinkle… Aren’t we clever. Well no. No you’re not clever. Not clever at all. Not in my book anyway.

That’s the thing with stars. In fact with the universe in general. It’s always there in the background twinkling away like some dizzy arsed tit who’s had one too many beers at the bar. I mean for once could some brainiac not invent a God damned universe that came with a simple dimmer switch. It’s giving me a right old peach of a headache… Grrrr…

Twinkle twinkle little shite, hope your light goes out tonight!

And so, with a simple click of my fingers the stars are gone as well.

So here I am. Still floating. With nothing around me. No stars. No worlds. Nothing. Just black emptiness. The void. Limbo. The abyss.


I can finally experience peace. No more distractions. Just me and my thoughts.


That’s the thing about being a bloke. Your thoughts tend to drift from intellectual stimuli, as you contemplate the great questions that are thrown up (sometimes even vomited) by life, only for them to be interrupted by alien thoughts that your intelligence has no way of stopping. What I’m talking about are the jiggly, wobbly, nudge nudge bits… You know what I’m saying… The soft, bouncy bits of joyous female flesh that fill up our daydreams.

Oh well… I can’t be having dirty thoughts as I float through the nothingness… So I’m afraid it’s… bye bye balls!

So here I am again. Just me, floating ball-less through the abyss! You know, now I can think without any distractions I’m reminded of the famous quote by Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche that stated “If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.”

That’s some thought isn’t it.

And I thought rocks were unnerving! But this abyss. This void… Why’s it staring? What’s it looking at? Stop it will ya! Don’t you know that this is supposed to be my slice of heaven that I’m creating for me and for me only? No one else. So stop gawking at me… What’s wrong with you? You… YOU BLOODY PERVERT… Stop staring will you!

I’m sorry but this abyss/void/emptiness, whatever you want to call this crap, just has got to go.

And that leaves just me. Big fat ugly useless me… The tosser of tosspots. King of the planks. Prince of gobshites. Lord of the blathering idiot. Ruler of worthlessness and God to all hopeless wretches alike… Oh dear. I should have given this a bit more thought, for yes you guessed it. For me to have my idea for an ideal heaven then the last thing that’s got to go is yours truly. So adios amigos.

And there we have it ladies and gentlemen. My idea of heaven is something that is far less than nothing.



My Idea For An Ideal Heaven

  • Author: Jonathan Antony Strickland
  • Published: 2016-07-08 17:35:07
  • Words: 1117
My Idea For An Ideal Heaven My Idea For An Ideal Heaven