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Misery, Without Company

Misery, Without Company

 

 

I’m again alone

Just like before.

Zero hour to hate myself

For all I am.

Time has been

Nothing best but always

Leaving less

Than the day I look back on.

I could try to sleep, if I can.

 

 

My head swings low

For all the things I wish

I didn’t know

How I came to be this way.

If I’m left for dead,

How can I miss

Anything that used to show

Through faded skin

But now pushed into the open air?

I feel I may have met my end.

I’ve hit pause on replay,

Maybe not because I thought

It would, somehow, be better

The next go round,

But silently, it violently erases sound

Until I’m worn to the ground that

I should be buried in.

 

It’s gonna be a long, long time

Until I have any kind of peace of mind.

Pieces of me break away each second

I don’t have eyes not blind

To anything good to come for me.

I don’t mind that I’m forgotten lots of times,

Spinning around without anyone to come to find

A way to push me back to stop.

Anything like that would be too much of a luxury,

And I don’t seem to deserve more than misery,

Without company.

These memories are supposed to be comforting,

But instead of that, they’re numbing me

Even more, though I never would’ve thought that I could be

Sitting here in this place with such a drawn out face

With nothing but something that looks a lot like what

I hate to see, some kind of a resemblance of someone like me,

Someone I can’t stand to be, but it’s everything I know.

No. No. No.

 

 

Eyes Closed and Head Down Low

 

When your eyes are closed and head down,

And you want to run away,

Wishing you were someone else,

Hating yourself so much that it’s a rainy day

When the sun is shining bright

Enough to blind you with its rays

If you could only open your eyes,

But you’re already failing to see

Because you can’t stand the sight

Of what is around you all the time.

The blind have to lead the blind,

But you’re all alone, so you grab your own hand,

And don’t care where you go,

As long as the day will end and never come again.

You’re not even your own friend,

Because who could love you, you know.

 

If the feet under you

Would ever actually move,

You might get somewhere else.

You might get some help

To get you through your pain,

To give you a path to take,

Instead of sitting still, fighting the urge to kill

Everything that made you,

Hoping the day won’t break you

Back down again,

Pushing the will to live, wanting it all to give,

Feeling like it’s forever.

It only gives you more of the same,

Brings you another endless rain

And another finished game

Of waiting around for something to get better,

Knowing it will be around tomorrow again.

 

 

You Chose Pain

 

You chose pain over makin’ it work,

And it hurts.

You’re runnin’ so damn far that I fall,

Trying to catch up to you,

Wondering where it is you are.

 

Stumbling every day, around this place,

Washing my face with my tears that

Come down like rain, I erase the pain

To hide it all so that no one knows how I feel.

If I could erase the way you became,

I’d become so much more, finally slowing down

And sitting still, but still, I cannot kill

How it all lands at my feet in a pile of blame.

 

If I had to do this all again, I might.

I might not do it much better, but I’d try.

If we had me and you, the way I’d like,

I would have all I need; you’d see me

For more than just the one that makes you cry.

You’re still running ahead of me,

And I can’t find you where you might be.

I can’t even see a glimpse of where you are tonight.

 

Left alone, in a home that feels like prison walls,

The screams fill the dreams with reality that

Makes me awaken in a cold dread, not knowing

If I’m asleep or if the nightmare came to life.

 

 

 

Those Yesterdays

 

 

Her face,

Painted red before me,

Smeared again with the stains

Of so much pain, restrained behind

Tired eyes of blue

 

All that I could find to tell her that time

Was that I was no longer the one

That she came to want again and again

Days gone by rolled me over,

Tossed me under the weight of a thousand boulders

And buried beneath her cold shoulder

And torn away from her hold, that glue

That bound us for so long

 

I’m ripping out the stitches

I’ve pulled at it all again

Wounds still fresh, so icy, frozen

Did I mention that I’m afraid of

All that she never was and that word she uses,

“Friend”

 

My life has regrets, but I’m outside of the box

That I put them in

I’m looking back and taking notes of

The death grip she had on my throat

The choke and the smoke have cleared

The chance of us has disappeared

I’m coming apart in a way

That makes me look

Like a reverse

Of those yesterdays

 

I put this all in a place

Far from reach

I would be more than a face

But my words repeat and wash away

And never cease to say

The same damn things

A thousand moments of reverie

Carried this ship of shit and shot it out to sea

To never return and forgive the burn of

Memories

 

My life has regrets, but I’m outside of the box

That I put them in

I’m looking back and taking notes of

The death grip she had on my throat

The choke and the smoke have cleared

The chance of us has disappeared

I’m coming apart in a way

That makes me look

Like a reverse

Of those yesterdays

 

Ashen black

Raspy as the ages of

The time it took

To bring her back

And make her think

That she didn’t need what she had

Without this feeling of

Selfish, helpless, so-called honesty

Sober obligation to a name

Hoping for an invitation to have it all the same

I’m as nothing as the nothing she made me be

As open and uncaring as the hundred ways

She made me bleed

 

Yesterday

Those yesterdays went away

I’m with them all, away

 

 

 

Her Face

 

 

Her face,

Painted red before me,

Smeared again with the stains

Of so much pain, restrained behind

Tired eyes of blue

 

All that I could find to tell her that time

Was that I was no longer the one

That she came to want again and again

Days gone by rolled me over,

Tossed me under the weight of a thousand boulders

And buried beneath her cold shoulder

And torn away from her hold, that glue

That bound us for so long

 

I’m ripping out the stitches

I’ve pulled at it all again

Wounds still fresh, so icy, frozen

Did I mention that I’m afraid of

All that she never was and that word she uses,

“Friend”

 

My life has regrets, but I’m outside of the box

That I put them in

I’m looking back and taking notes of

The death grip she had on my throat

The choke and the smoke have cleared

The chance of us has disappeared

I’m coming apart in a way

That makes me look

Like a reverse

Of those yesterdays

 

 

 

Against the Wall of This Prison

 

 

With my back against the wall, I bleed.

The last of all I could ever need

Has gone away.

Empty of all illusion,

As to what to say,

I fill the void.

 

All I ask is not to fall, but I see

That the past has come to call and feed.

I pray,

Upon shattered knees; I’d rather be

Anything but this emptying

Self-delusion that I’m included

In what’s become better than living bitterly.

 

Nothing seems anything.

Numbing, I dream to dissect my soul,

To know more than I’ve been told.

Exasperated in my own wisdom

That casts its own sentence,

I’m pitifully pitted against reality,

False, chaotic, tumultuous envying,

Tearing into my inner space,

Wearing away my every face

Until I’m broken to be

Everything I’m allowed to think I am,

But painful as it is, that is some production,

A reduction down to what they say is me.

 

I’m grounded from more,

Unable to rise,

Rewound, re-bound, unfound,

Lost and listless, bought. What is this?

Why?

Is this the answer to all I’ve questioned?

Is this my result, my unplanned and handed,

Undying lies, compromised, forever demanded

To be all that I can be,

So much less than I can’t be,

Only can’t be because I’m limited, tied, and living for less,

Mouth to hand, and my hands are pulled and clenched and sweaty and trembling with instant insanity.

 

 

 

Come Save Me – Let Me Be

 

 

 

Maybe it will all be better tomorrow.

 

Maybe things won’t have to be this way.

 

Maybe, at the edge of all of this sickness and sorrow,

 

Is the dawn of some brighter day.

 

 

 

I don’t feel like I can go on any longer.

 

I don’t know just how to make this right.

 

The pain and the strain of a loss of hope

 

Getting only stronger

 

Is strangling me ever so tight.

 

I’m on the verge of giving up on life altogether,

 

Leaning over a precipice.

 

I’m pushing and inching further and nearer,

 

And if I go off of the ledge, it could be better.

 

It sometimes seems the only offering of relief,

 

And if I try, I won’t miss, and me, you won’t miss.

 

 

 

I see only clouds that are gathering,

 

Never again to part.

 

All that’s allowed in this place that I hardly can fathom

 

Is room for a tortured soul and a bitter heart.

 

If I could plead, come save me,

 

I might just believe that someone could

 

Come save me.

 

 

 

I know if I leave, I’ll be quickly forgotten.

 

I won’t matter one more hour.

 

I will be decaying, rotten; I won’t care.

 

It already matters so little now or

 

Then or now and again.

 

Maybe there should be no more delaying, no more

 

Misery I am so easily caught in; I won’t care.

 

 

 

After years of trying too hard,

 

I’ve amounted to less than you.

 

I’ve mattered to less than few.

 

Doing so much and running so fast

 

That I am so lost in nothingness and looking to pass,

 

I fall so far behind.

 

I’m all in my mind.

 

I’ve made a life that is worth only misery,

 

And I’ve only been someone for only me.

 

I wish that there was anyone to care enough

 

To come save me,

 

But they all just – let me be.

 

 

 

With no one to count on, I’ll just leave.

 

There isn’t one in this world

 

To come save me.

 

Goodbye to you, and don’t you say

 

Goodbye to me.

 

Just do your part, and – let me be.

 

 

 

 

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Misery, Without Company

  • ISBN: 9781310953095
  • Author: JaMa Literary Agency
  • Published: 2016-06-24 07:50:07
  • Words: 1897
Misery, Without Company Misery, Without Company