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Laugh Sometimes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Laugh Sometimes

 

Copyright 2015 L.T. Garvin

Published by L.T. Garvin at Shakespir

 

 

 

Shakespir Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Shakespir.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

 

 

 

Table of Contents

 

When the Chicken Crossed the Road

Clap for the Wolfman

#CraigslistJobHunt

#CraigslistComedy

About the Author

Other books by L.T. Garvin

 

 

[][][][][] When the Chicken Crossed the Road

When the chicken crossed the road

I was walking with too-tired feet

and a too-smart border collie

 

When the chicken crossed the road

I admired him there bold

the black, speckled feathers

the red comb

 

I was not to worry

then the dog’s ears flew up

sensing something…

 

My grip was firm

he understood

though out of sight

is truly out of mind

 

Then I happen to stumble

briefly upon a rock

and the leash in my hand

flew out like a bullet

 

The sensible collie

at once was free

the temptation was too much

for a good chase, you see?

 

It’s what they do,

those collies

they herd

 

And that speckled

chicken

she was a running bird!

 

That hairy dog

he has sharp teeth

and a speckled bird

doesn’t want to become meat

 

So she ran down

into a river ravine

where she dissapeared instantly

nowhere to be seen

 

So when the owner came out

calling her left and right

Well you know I wouldn’t say

Sam gave her such a fright!

 

 

R ambling in the street

U nder blue sky so rare, we

N ever saw a fowl!

 

#####

 

Clap for the Wolfman

It was Werewolf weather yesterday, misty rain and cloudy. Seriously, if we had moors instead of mesquites, it could happen. Why do I think this? Two words: Monster Quest. Thankfully we have TV shows like Monster Quest to show all of us unsuspecting citizens what is lurking out there in forests, bayous, parking garages and pizza joints. Every now and then, people like to make fun of this, people like Guys With Nothing Better To Do. These guys just happened to have a little time on their hands when they thought about their friend Zed. Zed was a consummate outdoors-man which means something like an outdoors-man on steroids times three. He had cameras, lots of them, everywhere, all set up on his land. Why is this, you ask? Well unlike myself, who is perfectly content running around the house at night in my slightly flattened leopard slippers, re stacking my dirty laundry and searching for the perfect pink nail polish to wear in this dreary spring weather, Zed wants to know what is Out There.

So These Guys were at Zed’s one day when they noted the position of all these cameras. They had an idea…and Posthaste! (which is another valuable word to have in your vocabulary arsenal, along with Thwart…) They decided to go home and set about crafting a costume for a Big Wolf Fellow (Wolf Fellar, if you are a southerner, which I am, but with good grammar).

In a matter of days, they had a perfect outfit ready to go…they had resurrected none other than the dreaded Big Foot. One of the guys donned the garb and went out (well before dark, just in case there really was A Creature in the woods). Knowing the camera angles, the intrepid Big Foot managed several threatening key poses. He walked a few feet and put his big hand-paws in the air and…Sha Click…a few more strategic poses…. Sha Click, Sha Click, Sha Click. The photogenic monster left some amazing footprints and Voila!…. a mystery was born. The next day, Zed checked his cameras and Holy Cow!! “Connie, look at this!” he said to his wife. He had to go check for tracks, and he made his wife go with him. I don’t know why, maybe because she had just joined Fit Zone and was lifting weights…quite a bit of weight. Then the news spread like wildfire. Bigfoot had been spotted in Seyville, Texas! The Guys went out to Zed’s and he was beside himself.

“I gotta call Monster Quest. I gotta call them now!”

“Wait a minute Zed, let’s check the footprints.”

“I’ve done it already, already got a cast of them.”

Zed grabbed his phone again. Lee looked at him.

“Zed, put the phone down, you don’t need to call Monster Quest, I need to tell you something…”

So that’s how this latest brush with Monsters, Including Werewolves, and Such Other Hairy and Potentially Dangerous Creatures has ended…or has it? Who knows what is lurking out behind the mesquite trees on a night illuminated by a full moon, a night full of the sounds of mystery….

“But how did it get here?”

 

 

####

 

Craigslist Job Hunt

While most people are wasting time on Facebook, I have a different vice: Craigslist. There is so much there, it would take days to cover it. When I’m not busy placing ads for stuff that will never sell in my lifetime, I peruse other categories and have to admit being intrigued by the Employment section.

This is an easy way for folks to hop on board a lucrative opportunity. Such as in Guangdon China where they would like an English teacher – free accommodations, salary, and “free picking up at airport.” Say no more, throw in the airport thing and I’m there!

Another company wants to flaunt their international flair promoting word-wide commerce by announcing jobs for “Rooferos.” This word is made by using the old English word, or maybe middle English, or modern….”Roof” and cleverly adding OS to instantly transform this into fine Spanish grammar which makes all kinds of sense, just as does speaking English slowly or loudly to non-native speakers while they stare blankly and vow to make up jokes about you later.

And let’s not forget those old jewels from the classified columns and employment agencies that have found their way onto Craigslist, along with the correct hidden meanings of each entry:

self-starter – someone who can sit in a desk and use a phone system they have never seen before and answer detailed questions about things they know nothing about.

Works Without Close Supervision – this means you will receive no help here – but contrary to the ad, they will be spy on you to watch you flounder.

Team Player – they want a yes person, pretend like you like everybody and that everybody does their fair share….

[* Detail -Oriented *] – you like being bored to death, so much that you would do this job for free

Problem –Solver – you work for idiots and you must make them look good while they wallow in incompetence.

Big Thinkers Only – this is new, and possibly means that they (the people in the company) have no idea what to do and you must bail them out for no credit, provided of course, that you know what to do….

Lastly, what about those Fortune 500 Companies that sound like royalty who are now suddenly looking for people with “no technical know-how”….in today’s world? Under a rock? Well if you happen to be one of those people who have never learned to program your DVR, you may have a shot at this – report in and give me the inside scoop. Happy Employment Seeking:)

 

 

The End

 

Craigslist Comedy

 

Yet another Craigslist scam, which is why I don’t advertise there. With my luck, the Craigslist Killer would show up and not Hugh and Ruth with lots of cash to buy my slightly scratched, completely rejuvenated, crazy charismatic table from the 1920s.

This scam involves job ads. These ads are placed on Craigslist soliciting benevolent souls to place those metal signs to advertise X Scam Service by attaching them onto their car, then drive around town: “Woohoo buy this cause you need it now, you just don’t know it!” By driving a car around town and getting the word out, ad responders can earn compensation.

By answering the ad, unsuspecting victims then receive a fake check in the mail with instructions to cash it, and keep PART of the money….What? Just Part? I’ll bet the recipients are screaming: “Nobody said Nothing about Part….” So the recipients are to keep PART, and send another PART to different address. Now even if somebody lives under a rock, something should sound fishy by NOW, dear friend, and don’t worry about them coming to your house because they are always working on an oil rig or submarine, or the North Pole…

The local police department cautions us…”Nobody should accept a job offer without first meeting their prospective employer, furthermore, any check received through the mail is more than likely fake/forged – any attempt to cash it might result in charges against the person presenting it – reinforcing the tired, time worn saying “there is no free lunch” …or dinner, or advertising.

 

The End

About the Author

I have always been a literature fan and an avid reader. I started writing poetry when I was in junior high school then short stories when I was in high school. In college, I discovered a treasure trove of works by amazing literary masters, plus I had to read them because they were assigned and I had to pass in order to move on to the next level. Much like a video game today. I loved some of the great wonders of literature, and the others, well they expanded my mind. I have even come to appreciate T.S. Eliot’s: The Wasteland as an English professor told me that I would (at that time, in the 1980s I was busy appreciating Duran Duran, and thought she must be out of her mind). Although I have to admit, the line in the poem about “showing fear in a handful of dust” did stick with me, and it seems really current at the moment. I am now about twenty years behind on my reading, but I plan to catch up.

I always had good intentions of writing The Great American Novel, but life and making a living got in the way, as it sometimes does plus: sports, teenagers, dinner, laundry, mowing the grass, and writing papers about the history of print, which I think might have put that professor to sleep too.

When I’m not teaching as a substitute teacher, I am busy dissecting who has the upper hand on Beverly Hills Housewives or Mob Wives, or at least attempting to determine who has the best eyeliner, and solving the invariable differences that arise among several moody felines that live with me (much like the wives’ shows). Otherwise, I might be shopping at the local mall, pretending that it has a Macy’s and that chocolate is really not caloric, and the wind really can’t be blowing 50 mph again.

I love all types of foods, Italian, Mexican, German, and basically anything that I don’t have to cook. I have traveled some, but not enough, or at least recently not far enough away from my teenager or my mother. I have an e-book, and sold five copies including the one to my mother, who doesn’t have a Kindle, and four other relatives who I don’t think have Kindles either. Although there is an App.

I think the big e-book secret is having a good book cover or telling people how to increase their productivity. If you have an amazing cover, readers just might be intrigued or otherwise ensnared to buy one. I’m not sure, but a great deal of advice is out there on creating the ultimate e-book, promoting a blog, stop procrastinating, making zillions of dollars and dissing your boss. People might want to think a little bit before that last one. Those are good aspirations to have, along with some night getting at least eight hours of sleep and finding the perfect nail polish color for your toes. Thanks for reading my work…now maybe go out and make the world a better place…one person at a time.

 

Other books by this author

Please visit your favorite e-book retailer to discover other books by [L.T. Garvin]:

 

 

Dancing with the Sandman

Confessions of a 4th Grade Athlete

 

 

 

 

Connect with [L.T. Garvin]

I really appreciate you reading my book! Here are my social media coordinates:

 

Friend me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/LT-Garvin

Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/LanaBroussard

Subscribe to my blog: https://broussardlana.wordpress.com/

Google Blogger: http://ltgarvin.blogspot.com/

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Laugh Sometimes

This short collection of writing presents the humorous slice of life. This work includes poetry and humorous essays depicting everyday existence. Why did the chicken cross the road in front of an alert border collie? Who is the Wolfman? Have you ever wondered about the intricacies and pitfalls of Craigslist? These are excerpts from L.T. Garvin's Wordpress blog where sometimes there are funny things, sometimes less funny things, but in general, there are many things that deal with the human condition.

  • Author: L.T. Garvin
  • Published: 2015-11-04 03:05:08
  • Words: 2127
Laugh Sometimes Laugh Sometimes