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Jokes You Can Tell Yo' Mama

 

 

Jokes You Can Tell Yo’ Mama

by

Sharon and Ray Steelman

 

 

Copyright Sharon and Ray Steelman 2012

 

 

Published by Sharon and Ray Steelman on Shakespir

 

 

Formatted by eBooksade4You

 

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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any mechanical or electronic means whatsoever, including any retrieval systems or information storage systems, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in an article, without prior permission in writing from Sharon or Ray Steelman.

 

International Standard Book Number: 978-0-9853931-4-4

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: pending

Copyright Registration Number: pending

Copyright 1996/2012 Sharon Steelman and Ray Steelman

17 Stockton Street, Huntsville, Alabama 35806

 

Shakespir Edition

 

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Shakespir.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

 

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Preface

 

 

Everyone likes a good laugh. We are told that laughter is good for the soul. Laughter is without a question the universal language. No matter if one speaks French, Cantonese, Spanish, Mandarin, Portuguese, German or English, everyone understands laughter. It makes us feel good. It brightens our day. Laughter puts a smile on our faces, a bounce in our step and improves our outlook on life.

 

Laughter is a serious scientific subject that researchers are still trying to figure out. Why do we laugh when someone falls down? What is so funny about a prank on April Fools’ Day? Why do babies laugh? Long before a baby says its first word, it can laugh. No one teaches us to laugh. Somehow, from the earliest ages, we just know how to laugh. It is our first form of communication. Scientists tell us that apes, chimpanzees, dogs and even rats laugh. Laughter is something that we can catch from another. It is a communicable event that puts a smile on our face and is easily passed from one person to another. It’s catchy. Laughter is a social phenomenon. It is not necessary to pass laughter to another by word of mouth. We know this, because even deaf people laugh without hearing and people who are talking on cell phones laugh without seeing. We even laugh when driving down the road and thinking about something funny that happened to us decades ago.

 

Baltimore neuroscientist Robert Provine, a professor with the University of Maryland, has studied laughter for many years. He is the author of the book, Laughter: A Scientific Investigation. He has analyzed laughter in just about every way that you can analyze it. He states that:

 

“All language groups laugh ‘ha-ha-ha’ basically the same way,” he said. “There’s a pattern generator in our brain that produces that sound.”

 

Laughter is an uncontrollable reaction to situations, events and thoughts that run rampant through the mental visions in our minds. This sometimes causes a person to laugh involuntarily. Some of us laugh in specific rhythms, specific tones and out of habit in certain spots in conversation. It is something that we just do! We can’t explain it, we can’t control it; we just do it! It is a social phenomenon. “It’s joy. It’s a positive engagement in life,” said Jaak Panksepp, a Bowling Green University psychology professor. “Laughter is deeply social.”

 

Researchers say that only 10 to 15 percent of laughter is the result of someone making a joke. Well, this book is an attempt to increase that percentage. All of these jokes could be told to Yo’ Mama and still maintain eye contact. Although a lot of jokes are a little shady or downright nasty, that is not the case here. These jokes could be told in Sunday school without resulting in your being defrocked. You could tell these jokes to your children without losing their respect. Make no mistake about it, these jokes are funny. So it is possible, regardless of what the late-night comedians tell you, to make people laugh without getting into the gutter. One of the funniest comedians out there is Bill Cosby, and he has never told a dirty joke in his life.

 

Most of these jokes are the ones that I used over the past forty years when I performed playing my harmonica. Sometimes, I was accused of being a better comedian that I was a harmonica player. There may have been a lot of truth to that statement.

 

I’m not sure about the copyright questions concerning jokes. I have given considerable thought to that matter. Can a person actually copyright a joke that is passed around over the years from generation to generation and changed each time that it is told? According to Wikipedia, “There is, historically, very little legal recourse taken in cases of joke theft.” I believe that there are no illegalities going on with my joke telling. These jokes to have been around for a long, long time and repeated over and over by thousands upon thousands of people. I first heard some of the jokes in this book when I was in elementary school. I have remembered them and told them over and over throughout my life to different audiences. I believe all of these jokes to be in the public domain, so feel free to use them as you wish. So, all of that being said, settle back, relax and pretend that you are on the front row in Ray’s Comedy Club and get ready for that social phenomenon to happen. We are going to tickle your funny bone.

 

Say, did you hear the one about…?

 

Ray Steelman

 

 

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Contents

Pig Jokes

Preacher Jokes

Church Jokes

Good Comebacks

Yo” Mama Jokes

Jokes About Kids

Tornado Jokes

Funny Epitaphs

Love and Marriage Jokes

Redneck Jokes

About Change

IRS Jokes

Family Jokes

Good One Liners

Questions to Think About

We Were So Poor Jokes

Alabama Jokes

Speaking Alabamian

Drinking Jokes

Wisdom From Will Rogers

Animal Jokes

About Growing Older

Bald Jokes

Miscellaneous Funny Stuff

Ever Wonder Why?

Work Jokes

Talent Jokes

Opening Lines for Comedians

About the Authors

 

 

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Pig Jokes

 

Once, Billy Floyd was driving his car up around Lynchburg. He rounded a curve and met a car that was coming right at him. He swerved to the right and the other car swerved to the right. He swerved to the left and the oncoming car swerved to the left. At the last minute the other car swerved in the opposite direction and missed Billy Floyd by inches. A rather rotund redheaded lady leaned out of the window of the car and yelled, “Pig! Pig!” Billy, not to be out done, likewise leaned out of his car and yelled, “Sow! Sow!” About that time, he hit a 400 pound hog standing right in the middle of the road.

 

A travelling salesman got lost on one of those winding backwoods roads in Lincoln County, Tennessee. He stopped at a farmer’s house to ask directions. While he was talking to the farmer, a three-legged pig wobbled out from behind the house. “Wow, stated the salesman. What happened to that poor pig. It has a leg missing. Was it hurt in an accident?” “No,” answered the farmer. “You see, we had a terrible fire late one night. My wife and three children were asleep in the house. That pig knocked the front door open and, one by one, dragged each of us out of the house. He saved our lives.” “ So, the pig lost his leg in the fire?” asked the salesman. “No,” answered the farmer. “A pig that is that valuable…Well, you just don’t eat him all at once!”

 

Uncle Frank’s small farm had only one pet pig. Aunt Lucy reminded him that their 40th anniversary was just around the corner. Aunt Lucy turned to Uncle Frank and said, “Frank, on our anniversary, why don’t we kill that pig and barbeque him?” Frank replied, “Why blame him for something that happened forty years ago?”

 

Why did the pig take a bath?

Answer: He heard the farmer yell, “Hogwash!”

 

An Alabama redneck was driving down the road in Arab, Alabama. He looked over and saw a half-grown pig standing in a field. He pulled over, stopped his car and picked up the pig. A short time later he is driving around town with the pig in the car and he sees blue lights in his mirror. A cop pulls him over. The cop says, “What are you doing riding around with that pig in the car?” The redneck says, “I just found the pig beside the road in the field in Arab.” The cop says, “I want you to take that pig to the zoo!” The redneck agrees and drives off. The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. The cop says, “I though that I told you to take that pig to the zoo.” The redneck replies, “I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the baseball game today.”

 

The two Jones brothers were not very bright. One day they walked into town from their farm to buy pigs. On the way home, one brother said to the other, “How will we know which pig is your pig and which pig is my pig?” His brother thought a minute and then replied, “Why don’t we could cut the left ear off of your pig, then we’ll be able to tell them apart?” They thought about this, and then agreed. So, they cut the left ear off of one of the pigs. After a while, the two pigs began fighting and the one-eared pig bit the left ear off the other pig. This posed a problem again, so they decided to cut the right ear off one of the pigs so they would know which pig was which. In a few minutes, the pigs started fighting again and, you guessed it, the earless pig bit the right ear off the other pig. Not knowing what to do, they discussed cutting off one of the pig’s tails. They agreed. Again, the pigs fought and both ended up without tails. Then, one brother suggested they cut off one of the pig’s hind legs. Finally, after much thought, the other brother said, “That is just too inhumane. How about we say the black pig is your pig and the white one is mine.”

 

The President got off the helicopter in front of the White House. He had a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard was standing at attention, saluted, and said, “Those are good-looking pigs, Sir.” The President replied, “These are not pigs, these are authentic east Tennessee razorback hogs. I got one for my wife and I got one for my daughter.” The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, “That’s a real nice trade, Sir.”

 

 

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Preacher Jokes

 

One Sunday Preacher Martin stepped to the pulpit and was happy to see, Peavey Burton, one of the roughest characters in the community sitting on the front pew. Although, Peavey squirmed a lot during the sermon, he stood up several times and shouted “Hallelujah!” When the sermon was over Preacher Martin took his place at the door to shake hands with all of the departing brethren. Peavey sprinted to the door and was first in line. Peavey grabbed Preacher Martin by the hand and started shaking it vigorously. Then Peavey began to curse loudly. “That was the best [email protected]##, [email protected]## sermon that I ever heard! Preacher Martin responded, “Peavey this is church, you can’t use that kind of language in here.” “No, I’m not kidding! That was the best [email protected]##, [email protected]## sermon that I ever heard.” Again, Preacher Martin responded, “Peavey this is church, you can’t use that kind of language in here.” Peavey replied, “Preacher that sermon was so good that I put $500 in the collection plate.” Preacher Martin jumped and said, “To Hell you say!”

 

A young preacher was hired at the Gurley Cumberland Presbyterian Church. He was ambitious and determined to preach fire and brimstone. He walked to the pulpit and started off preaching about personal sins.

The preacher said, “Smoking is a sin!”

A little old lady on the front row stood up and shouted, “Amen brother!”

The preacher said, “Drinking is a sin!”

The little old lady on the front row again stood up and shouted, “Amen brother!”

The preacher said, “Running around on your wife is a sin!”

The little old lady on the front row again stood up and shouted, “Amen brother!”

The preacher said, “Dipping snuff is a sin!”

The little old lady jumped to her feet and shouted, “Wait a minute preacher! You’ve done stopped preaching and gone to meddling!”

 

I had not attended church for quite some time. Upon seeing me at church one Sunday, our minister pulled me aside and asked me, “Are you a solider in the army of the Lord?” I said, “Yes, I am.” Our minister asked, “Why do we only see you at Christmas and Easter?” I thought a minute and replied, “I’m in the Secret Service!”

 

Once we hired a long-winded preacher at the local Church of Christ. He was so good that the first Sunday I put $50 in the collection plate. The second Sunday he preached a little long and I only put in $25. The next Sunday I thought that he would never stop preaching. I took $10 out of the collection plate.

 

At a recent pastor’s meeting each preacher in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows:

The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We should stay out of the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in He is all powerful and sovereign and will do it himself without any help from humans.”

A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast the demon of darkness out of the bulb.”

The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just convince the bulb of its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We certainly don’t want to make the bulb feel uncomfortable or unwanted.”

A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray for it and soon it will be healed.”

A Church of Christ preacher responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb, who knows, it might lead to dancing.”

This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.

 

Farmer Smith had been a faithful Christian all of his life and was in the hospital. He was not doing well and was near death. The family sent for their preacher to be there with them for guidance and support. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Farmer Smith’s condition seemed to steadily deteriorate and he motioned frantically for a piece of paper upon which to write. The preacher handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Farmer Smith used his last bit of energy to frantically write a note, then suddenly he dropped dead. The preacher decided that it was best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same suit jacket that he was wearing when Farmer Smith died. He said, “You know, Farmer Smith handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing him, I’m sure there are words of true inspiration there for all of us.” He opened the note, and read, “Preacher, please step to your right! You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

 

A young preacher was ending his sermon when he announced the subject of next week’s study. “Next Sunday,” he said, “I will be preaching on the serious subject of telling lies. In preparation of the lesson, I want all of you to read the 18th chapter of the book of Mark.” The next Sunday the young preacher took his position at the pulpit and asked, “Now, how many of you did as I requested and read the 18th chapter of Mark?” About half the hands in the congregation went high in the air. “Now you are the ones about whom I am talking today. There is no 18th chapter of Mark!”

 

A preacher got up to the pulpit and said, “We have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have plenty of money to pay for the building fund. The bad news is, I have to figure out how to get it out of your pockets.”

 

On one winter day, there was a heavy snowfall in Alabama and only one person showed up at the local Flint River Baptist Church. He was a good old boy from New Market, Alabama. The preacher asked him, “Since you are the only one that showed up today, do you want me to go ahead and preach?” The old boy answered, “If I went out to feed my cattle and only one old broken down cow showed up, I would still feed her.” The preacher responded, “Ok my son. You’re right.” Then the preacher began to preach. He preached for one hour. Then he preached for two hours. And he continued preaching until three hours had passed. “Well, were you touched in your heart and inspired by this lesson?” the preacher asked the good old boy. “Well I’ll put it this way. If I went out to feed my cattle and only one old broken down cow showed up, I wouldn’t feed her all of the hay at once!”

 

 

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Church Jokes

 

 

I’m always suspicious of any church that tells you that the end is near, then asks you to sign a five year building fund pledge.

 

“Are you regular at this church,” a visitor asked me one Sunday. “Actually I would say that I am kind of irregular,” I responded.

 

A man called up the local Baptist church. When the church secretary answered the call, the caller said, “Could I please speak to the head hog?” The secretary replied, “That’s not a very nice thing to say about our preacher, Reverend Simmons.” The man replied, “I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I intend to donate $50,000 to the church.” The secretary replied, “Hold on a second, I think the big fat hog just walked in the door.”

 

Old Judge Hooker was looking forward to retirement. He called a family meeting to discuss his future and retirement plans. His six children and their spouses were gathered around the dining room table. “You know that I’m not getting any younger. When I retire I intend to travel and play a lot of golf.” He stated. “Also,” he continued, “One of my biggest disappointments in life is the fact that I do not have any grandchildren. With all of you gathered around tonight I want to make an announcement. I have set aside $3,000,000 for the first one of you to present me with a grandchild. Now, let’s bow our heads in prayer.” When the old Judge finished his prayer and looked up, the room was empty.

 

A new preacher arrived for his first sermon at a little Alabama church. He started preaching and in five minutes he was finished. The second Sunday he preached for thirty minutes. The third Sunday he preached for nearly three hours. One of the elders confronted him after the third week and asked him about the length of his sermons. “Well, I have a good explanation for that,” he said. “The first Sunday, I had new false teeth and my mouth was sore.” “By the next Sunday, they were feeling better and I was able to preach a little longer.” “The third Sunday I put my wife’s false teeth in by accident!”

 

 

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Good Comebacks (Against Hecklers)

 

“Somewhere out there, there’s a village missing its idiot.”

 

A good reply when you misspeak is to say:

“I get my Tang Tungled up sometime.”

 

“Let’s give this guy a hand. He’s the poster child for the Zero Population movement!”

 

“Why don’t we change places? You come up here and be funny and I’ll go out there an act like an idiot!”

 

A good come back when being booed or jeered by someone in the audience.

(Look right and left. Then shout:) “Security!”

 

“Sir, I don’t go to your job at McDonalds and heckle you.”

 

“Now I know why some animals eat their young.”

 

“Dad, I asked you to wait in the car.”

 

Here are some good one liners when interacting with someone in the audience.

“Are you going to the movies? I saw you picking your seat!”

 

“I’m sorry folks. He’s suffering from bottle fatigue.”

 

“I’m sorry about your face. You’ve got to stop blocking those kicks without a helmet!”

 

“This guy has a musical nose. He is either blowing it or picking it all the time.”

 

“It’s ok son. I remember the first time that I had a beer.”

 

“This guy is a waste of three billion years of evolution.”

 

“Sir, I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet that it’s hard to pronounce.”

 

“I’m sorry folks. I don’t know how to deal with this guy. I’m a comedian, not a proctologist!”

 

“Sir, I get paid to act like a fool. How about you?”

 

“You know folks, every village has one.”

 

“Were your parents related?”

 

“Folks, it’s a shame when cousins marry.”

 

“Sir, we will have a telethon for you later.”

 

 

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Yo’ Mama Jokes

 

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that when she walked through the room, the radio skipped.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that when she went into a restaurant, instead of handing her a menu, they gave her an estimate.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that the local post office gave her a zip code just for her.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that she wore a watch on each arm…One for each time zone that she was in.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that her picture was an aerial photo.

 

Yo” Mama is not fat, she just retains water. Kind of like the Hoover Dam.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that when she went to the Circus, they followed her around with a shovel.

 

Yo’ Mama sold Avon door to door and was so fat that she was the biggest industry in her hometown.

 

Yo’ Mama was so fat that I could not hug her all at once. I got a piece of chalk and would hug her and draw a chalk line to be sure of the places that I had hugged. I would hug and chalk, hug and chalk. One day I met a guy hugging and chalking from the opposite direction!

 

Yo’ Mama is so ugly that when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

 

Yo’ Mama is so ugly that when she was born, the doctor didn’t know which end was up. The doctor said that she did have the biggest smile in three states. Then the doctor realized that he was holding her upside down and backwards.

 

Yo’ Mama is so old that when God said let there be light, she flipped on the switch.

 

 

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Jokes About Kids

 

Freddy and Teddy Simms were two kids that grew up in my hometown. Although they were brothers and shared the same mother and father, the two were complete opposites. Freddy was an eternal optimist while Teddy was exactly the opposite. Nothing suited Teddy. The soup was always too hot…or too salty. The weather was always too hot or too cold. Nothing was ever just right with Teddy. Freddy and Teddy’s parents decided to take the two kids to a psychiatrist to see if he could help Teddy. The psychiatrist had an idea. He put Teddy, the pessimist, in a room full of toys. In the room there were battery-operated cars, bicycles, a shiny new wagon, basketballs, books, puzzles and all kind of things for him to enjoy. Teddy liked nothing in the room. The bicycle was too big, the new wagon was the wrong color. Nothing suited Teddy. The psychiatrist then took Freddy, the optimist, to the barn. They stood outside of a stable and then the doctor opened the door. From the ceiling to the floor the room was filled with horse manure and nothing else. When the psychologist opened the door, Freddy shouted for joy and plunged himself deep into the manure. He then ran outside and grabbed a shovel and immediately began digging in the manure. The doctor was shocked. “Freddy,” he said. “Why in the world are you so happy with this stable full of manure?” Freddy looked up and said, “Well Doc, the way that I figure it, if there is this much manure in here, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!”

 

A little boy came home from school with a sad look on his face.

“What’s wrong,” asked his Dad. “I took a test today and I know that I got an “F” on it,” the little boy replied. “Don’t be so negative. Always be positive,” his Dad replied.

The little boy though for a few seconds and replied, “You’re right. I am positive that I failed that test!”

 

A Sunday school teacher once asked one of his students, “Do you know where God lives?” The little boy replied, “I sure do. He lives in our bathroom.” The teacher asked, “Why do you say that?” The little boy replied, “Because every morning when we are getting ready to leave the house and my mama is in the bathroom, Daddy rushes to the door and shouts, “My God are you still in there?”

 

One day a mother took her four-year-old son with her to the bank. They got into line behind a rather obese woman dressed in a business suit. The large woman had a pager strapped to her purse. As the mother and little boy waited patiently, the boy looked at the woman in front and said loudly, “Look at that woman Mama. She’s fat.” The big woman turned around scoffed and glared at the child. This caused the embarrassed mother to reprimand him very quietly. However, a few minutes later, the unrepentant boy spread his hands out as far as they would go and said loudly: “I’ll bet that woman’s big fat butt is that wide!” Again, the woman turned and gave him a terrible hard look, forcing the mother to give the little boy a stricter scolding. A couple of minutes later the little boy shouted loudly: “Mama, look how all of that fat hangs over her belt!” The woman turned and shouted at the mother. In no uncertain terms she told the mother that she ought to teach her son some manners. The mother responded by issuing threats if he did not behave himself. The boy promised to keep quiet. Two minutes later, the large woman’s pager began to emit its distinctive beeping tone. The boy could not help himself. “Mama, run for your life!” he yelled in a panic. “The big tank in front of us is backing up!”

 

 

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Tornado Jokes

 

I wonder what tornadoes sounded like before we had trains?

 

Do you know how a tornado and a divorce are alike?

Answer: Either way you’re going to lose a house trailer.

 

In Alabama do you know how tornado season is like Christmas?

Answer: At some point you are going to have a tree in your house.

 

What weighs 250 pounds and goes 200 Miles per hour in a Tennessee tornado?

Answer: Yo’ Mama

 

What happened to the cow that was blown away by a tornado?

Answer: Udder disaster.

 

 

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Funny Epitaphs

 

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann

Dec. 8, 1767

 

Here lies Willie Wills…he had ninety nine ills…but he only had 98 pills…

 

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest man.

And that is Strange.

 

Here lies the body

of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

 

Peas…Thus came Peas from nature’s pod…Peas shelled out and went to God.

Where you are now I used to be…Prepare for death and follow me.

(Someone came along and penciled in the following.)

To follow you I’m not content.

‘til I know which way you went!

 

Too much debt killed Mr. Freddy Ray

Gone away owing more than he could pay.

 

Here lays Butch,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

 

Taxes drove me to my doom.

Now that I’m gone, they won’t relax,

They’ll still collect inheritance tax.

 

I told you that I was sick.

 

The children of Israel wanted bread

And the Lord sent them manna,

Old Billy Bob wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

 

 

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Love and Marriage Jokes

 

A young man was flying from Boston to Nashville. He looked up and spotted a gorgeous blonde young lady walking down the aisle of the airplane looking for her seat. As luck would have it, she found her seat and sat down next to the young man. After a while a conversation began between them…

She said, “When I marry, I think I will marry an American Indian. If an American Indian is not available, next, I would look for a nice Jewish man…If a nice Jewish man is not available, I would like to marry a good old southern redneck man.”

“By the way,” she continued “What is your name?”

The young man stuck out his hand and replied, “My name is Tecumseh Bernbaum, but my friends just call me Bubba!”

 

A young couple was having trouble in their marriage so they made an appointment with a marriage counselor. When in front of the counselor, they were asked to explain the problem. Before the husband could say a word, the young wife jumped right in and started talking…and she talked some more…and some more. She explained everything that was wrong with her husband and their marriage. After twenty minutes the counselor got up, walked over to the young wife, pulled her up by the shoulders and kissed her right on the mouth. He then turned to the young man and said, “Your wife needs that at least two times a week.” The young husband shook his head in approval and said, “I can have her here by 9:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

 

Once I was playing my harmonica in a bar in Huntsville. There was a nice looking young couple sitting at a table on the front row. I noticed the fellow scooted down in his chair, then slid beneath the tablecloth and slid under the table. I walked over and said, “I noticed that your husband slipped under the table.” She replied, “Oh, that’s not my husband. My husband just walked in the door over there.”

 

 

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Redneck Jokes

 

 

Do you know where country music stars go when they die?

Answer: Branson!

 

What do you call a pretty girl on a redneck’s arm?

Answer: A tattoo

 

What do you call a bunch of tractors sitting outside a McDonald’s in Mississippi?

Answer: Senior prom

 

How do you know if you are at a redneck wedding?

Answer: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church

 

Why did the redneck plant Cheerios in the back yard?

Answer: He thought they were donut seeds.

 

What is the best redneck pickup line?

Answer: That’s a nice tooth.

Bubba saw a sign in a bar that read: “Man wanted for robbery in Alabama.” “Dog Gone it,” he said. “I’d take that job if it was in Tennessee.”

 

You’re an Alabama redneck if your house gets more than 10 miles a gallon.

 

Alabama rednecks prune their trees with a shotgun.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He was cutting his yard the other day and found a car.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He had to turn his truck around the other day because of the bridge height restriction.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His guest house is a 1975 Sedan Deville.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He makes one trip to the liquor store and all of his Christmas shopping is done.

My neighbor is a real redneck. He leaves a bottle of Jack Daniel for Santa.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His wife has a beer belly and he finds it attractive.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His wife has more children than teeth.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His grandmother was asked to leave the Waffle House because of her language.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He just took his Christmas tree down and it’s June.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His grandmother taught him how to flip a cigarette.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He gave his wife an anniversary present. It was getting the septic tank pumped.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He has been married four times and he still has the same in-laws.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. Ever time one of the neighborhood cats disappear, he has a barbeque.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He wanted to marry the love of his life but there was a law against it.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. Shopping for dinner requires a hunting vest.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He retired and got a better job at the Waffle House.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. To clean his ears he prefers his car keys instead of Q-tips.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His toilet paper still has corn on it.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He showed his girlfriend that he loved her by carving her name on his arm.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He has lost most of his teeth by opening a beer bottle.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. At the wedding he kissed his bride and his John Deere cap feel off.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. His favorite T-shirt is offensive in Alabama and ten other states.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He weighs five pound more when he finds his keys.

 

My neighbor is a real redneck. He was sure that he would be included in the will, so he drove au-Haul to the funeral home.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

About Change

 

Even marriages change. Ten years ago I put my wife on a pedestal. Yesterday, I put her on a diet.

 

A police officer walked up to Bubba and asked him if he had change for a dollar. “I shore do Buddy,” replied Bubba. “That’s not very respectful. Let’s try it again,” said the officer. “Do you have change for a dollar?” asked the officer. “Nope”, replied Bubba.

 

A ship’s captain inspected his sailors, and afterward told the chief officer that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors changed their underwear every now and then. The chief responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see that they do that immediately!” The chief went immediately to the sailors and announced, “The captain says that you guys stink and he wants you to change your underwear. Simmons, you change with Smith; Trulson, you change with Thompson; and Hasley, you change with Simms. Now get to it!!!” This story has political implications. The moral of this story is that someone may promise “change” but don’t count on things smelling any better!”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

IRS Jokes

 

Do you know how your wife and the IRS are different?

Answer: You can cheat on the IRS and they still want you.

 

Last night I could not sleep. I was feeling guilty. So, I got out of bed and sent the IRS $150. If I still can’t sleep I’ll send the rest tomorrow.

 

Uncle Sam is digging so deep into my pockets that I don’t know whether to tell him I’m not that kind of guy or to turn my head and cough.

 

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a smug IRS agent. “It says here, Mr. Briggs that you are a bachelor; yet you are claiming a dependent son. Surely that must have been a mistake.” Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, “Yes sir, it surely was.”

 

Behind every successful man are two things, a woman and the IRS. The first one takes the credit, and the second one takes the cash.

 

A taxpayer went to his mailbox and noticed that he had received a strongly worded “second notice” that his IRS taxes were overdue. He jumped in his car and drove to the collector’s office and paid his bill. He apologized and told the tax agent that he had apparently overlooked the first notice. “Oh,” confided the collector, without looking up. “We never send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

 

If they don’t work, birth-control pills are tax deductible.

 

“Deep in the Heart of Taxes” should be our National Anthem.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Family Jokes

 

Uncle Bob was concerned that Aunt Sarah was hard of hearing. Aunt Sarah was very sensitive about it. She refused to go to the doctor to have her ears checked. Uncle Bob talked privately to a doctor about it. The doctor told him to start 40 feet away and talk to her in a normal voice. See if she responds. If not, move in to 30 feet and try it… then 20 feet, then 10 feet and so on until she hears. Aunt Sarah was cooking supper and Uncle Bob tried it. “What’s for supper, Dear?” he asked. No response. He then moved in to 30 feet, then 20 feet, then 10 feet, then five feet. “What’s for supper?” he asked. She turned around and shouted, “For the fifth time we’re having fried chicken!”

 

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

 

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

 

Sonny Bectol lived in Jackson County, Alabama. Sonny and his wife Eunice had 13 children. Sonny was getting worried about the size of his family. He took Eunice aside and he told her that he would hang himself if she got pregnant again. Eunice said, “Sonny, you might as well go ahead and get a rope because it has happened again. I am pregnant.” Sonny said, “That’s it” … and got a rope. He went into the woods and found a tree and got on stump. Then Sonny got to thinking…He might be hanging the wrong man!

 

Uncle Herman and Aunt Rose were happily married. They had ten children as a product of their union. Aunt Rose was one of those women who got pregnant quite often. Aunt Rose was hard of hearing. Someone asked Uncle Herman why Aunt Rose seemed to always be pregnant. He said, “Well, it’s like this. Before we go to bed each night, Rose always takes out her hearing aid and places it on the nightstand. Then around ten o’clock, Rose and I go to bed. It’s then that I roll over and ask her ask her if she wants to go to sleep or what. She always shouts back…What?”

 

A wife was talking to her husband.

Wife: “Do you love me?”

Husband: “Of course I do.”

Wife: “If I died would you remarry?”

Husband: “Never.”

Wife: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”

Husband: “Okay, I’d eventually probably get married again.”

Wife: “You would?” (With a hurtful look on her face)

Husband: (makes loud groan)

Wife: “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

Husband: “Where else would we sleep?”

Wife: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

Husband: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

Wife: “Would you play golf with her?”

Husband: “I guess so.”

Wife: “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

Husband: “No, she’s left handed.”

Husband: “Oops!!”

 

A cop stops a car.

The cop says, “Your tail light is out.”

The husband says, “It must have just gone out.”

The wife says,” I’ve been telling him to fix it for months.”

The cop says, “Your seat belt is not on.”

The husband says, “I took it off when you stopped me.”

The wife says, “I’ve been telling him to wear it. He never wears it.”

The Husband snaps at his wife. The Cop says, “Does he always talk to you like that?” The wife says, “No…Only when he has been drinking!”

 

A fellow was walking along the beach in Destin, Florida when he found an old lamp half buried in the sand. He picked up the lamp, dusted it off and a genie popped out. “Do I get three wishes?” he asked. The genie replied. “No, I’m a one wish genie but you can have your one wish.” The fellow thought and said, “I’ve always wanted to go the Hawaii but I’m afraid to fly. I wish that you would build a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive there.” The genie was obviously disturbed and replied, “Are you kidding me? A bridge to Hawaii is out of the question. The logistics and engineering would be impossible. The Pacific is too deep. Do you know how much concrete that would take? Select another wish!” The man thought for a moment and said, “OK. I have never understood my wife. I don’t understand her moods. I don’t understand why she cries. I don’t understand her when she gives me the silent treatment. I never know what she’s thinking. My wish is that I can understand my wife.” The genie said, “Where do you want that bridge?’

 

The worst place to have a heart attack is while playing a game of charades…Especially if the people you are playing with are really bad guessers.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Good One Liners

 

The trend toward nudity won’t last because women will never be happy wearing the same old thing.

 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

 

Early to bed and early to rise, and your girl will go out with other guys.

 

He who laughs last probably meant to tell the joke himself.

 

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is being smart enough to never put it on a fruit salad.

 

When a man is down, kick him. Give him some incentive to rise above it.

 

Never take life too seriously. You’re not getting out of it alive anyway.

 

Vegetarian is a Native American’s definition of a bad hunter.

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you an automobile.

 

I asked God for a new car, but I know God doesn’t actually work that way…So I stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of bill payments.

 

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

 

The early bird might get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the others a bad name.

 

Pick a cat up by the tail if you want a sudden taste of reality.

 

I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep like my great uncle…Not screaming and shaking like the passengers in his car!

 

Hard work certainly will pay off in a person’s future but laziness pays off now.

 

They call it PMS because mad cow disease was already taken.

 

I thought about tracing my family history but I couldn’t afford it…so I ran for public office.

 

We were so poor that we ate everything on the hog from the rooter to the tooter.

 

In high school I was president of the bad breath club.

 

Ex-Lax is the best thing to take for a cough. Take it and you’re afraid to cough!

 

Mama would give me Ex-Lax and send me to school. I was afraid to move.

 

Never squat with your spurs on.

 

Politics – Poly means many….Ticks means blood sucking parasites.

 

I’m suffering from mal-tuition.

 

Theirs was a marriage of dollars and sense. He didn’t have a dollar and she didn’t have any sense.

 

I’m as excited as a tornado looking for a trailer park.

 

It seems to me that they have the words asteroid and hemorrhoid reversed.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Questions to Think About

 

If Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared…Why write a song about it?

 

How fast do hotcakes sell?

 

Why do we press harder on a remote-control when we know the battery is dead?

 

If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?

 

If a #2 pencil is the first in popularity…Why is it #2?

 

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 

When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the Bible?

 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

 

How much Healthy Choice ice cream can a person eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death…twice?

 

If you dug a hole through the earth to China and jumped in, would you stay in the center because of gravity?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll go over there and squeeze on one of those things and drink whatever comes out?

 

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

 

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time are they guilty of resisting a rest?

 

Who was the first person to say, “Look at that thing that just dropped out of that chicken’s rear end? I think I’ll run over there and eat it!”

 

What does “Dad gum it” mean?

 

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

 

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They are going to see you naked anyway.

 

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

 

Should I take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time?

 

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

What does “I’ll be dog gone” mean?

 

Did Noah have termites on the ark?

 

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

 

If Pluto is a dog, what’s Goofy?

 

Do they have the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

 

Why is the Lone Ranger called “Lone” if he always has Tonto with him?

 

If the invisible man married the invisible woman, I wonder what they would see in each other. I wonder if the kids would be much to look at?

 

Can a short person talk down to a taller person?

 

Why does a round Pizza come in a square box?

 

If your legs were amputated, would you change your height and weight on your driver’s license?

 

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to trail each other?

 

 

  • * *

 

 

We Were So Poor Jokes

 

We were so poor that as babies two of us had to use one diaper. That’s the only way that we could make ends meet.

 

We were so poor that we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.

 

We were so poor that I put rocks in my first pair of shoes so that they would feel comfortable.

 

We were so poor that to watch TV we had to go to Sears.

 

We were so poor the Sally Struthers filmed a commercial in our home.

 

We were so poor that we couldn’t pay attention.

 

We were so poor that TV dinner trays were our good china.

 

We were so poor that we couldn’t afford to go to the free clinic.

 

We were so poor that the crooks would rob our house for practice.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Alabama Jokes

 

Two guys from out of state were lost trying to get off of Dauphin Island. They stopped an Alabama fisherman and told him that they were trying to get off of the island and had been travelling east. “There’s your problem,” stated the old fisherman. “You should go west and go across the bridge that you came on.” The two men replied, “We didn’t cross a bridge.” The old fisherman said, “Well then, there’s you problem…you aren’t here yet.”

 

An Alabama redneck walked into the local café and sat down at the bar. The fellow next to him asked him if he wanted anything to eat. “No,” replied the first redneck. This morning I got up and had a craving for a taste of mountain oysters. “Did you do any good,” asked the second redneck. “Yes sir,” he answered. “That hog must have dragged me a half mile but I got a taste of them oysters.”

 

I speak Alabamian with English as a second language.

 

Someone asked if Alabama was economically depressed. “I don’t know but if you can buy a bus ticket with food stamps, I’m out of here.”

Giving directions is a cottage industry in Alabama.

 

Dialect is good. In Alabama, we can tell each other from the rest.

 

Did you hear about the new $3,000,000 Alabama state lottery? The winner gets three dollars a year for a million years.

 

Why do folks from Alabama go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?

Answer: Because 17 and under are not admitted.

 

What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room? A full set of teeth.

 

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.

 

A new law was recently passed in Alabama. When a couple gets a divorce they are still brother and sister.

 

Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other. One is carrying a sack. When they meet, on says, “Hey, Tommy Ray. Whatcha’ got in the bag?”

“Just some chickens,” answered Tommy Ray. “If I guess how many there are in that bag, can I have one?” Tommy Ray answered, “If you guess how many are in the bag, I will give you both of them.” “Ok”… “Five.”

 

An Alabamian came home to find that his house was on fire. He quickly grabbed his cell phone and called the fire department. “Hurry over here! My house is on fire!” The fireman replied, “OK. How do we get there?” The Alabamian responded, “Don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

 

The Alabamian and his girlfriend were making out in the front seat of his car. “Want to go to the back seat?” she asked. “No,” he replied. A few minutes later she asked him again, “Do you want to go to the back seat now?” she asked. “No,” he answered. “I’d rather stay here in the front seat with you.”

 

Two fellows were driving through Alabama when they saw blue lights in the mirror. They pulled over and the Alabama State Trooper walked over to the driver’s window. “What’s the problem officer?” the driver asked. The State Trooper pulled out his night stick and hit the driver right on the top of his head. “You’re in Alabama, son. Here you don’t speak until you are spoken to!” shouted the officer. Then he walked over to the passenger and smacked him right on the head also. “What was that for?” asked the passenger. “I didn’t say a thing!” “That is for your wish,” replied the officer. “What wish?” asked the passenger. The officer replied, “I know that when you get a couple of miles down the road you are going to turn to the driver and say, “I wish he had done that to me!”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Speaking Alabamian

 

When speaking Alabamians drop r’s and add r’s.

Linda – Linder

Supper – Suppa

 

All – A petroleum product

Usage: “I hope the mechanic put some all in my car.”

 

Jawja – A southeastern state

Usage: “The kids from Jawja Tech shore can play football.”

 

Far – noun / verb – A conflagration

Usage: “If my brother from Jawja don’t change the all in my pickup, that thang’s gonna catch far. If I don’t start working more my boss is gonna far me.”

 

Tar – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: “I hope that fella from down the road don’t git a flat tar.”

 

Tire – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: “Someday I hope to see the Eiffel tire in Paris.”

 

Retard – verb. To stop working.

Usage: “My brother from Jawja retard ‘bout a year ago.”

 

Tarred – adverb. Exhausted

Usage: “I ran over here from town and I’m tarred.”

 

Rats – noun. Entitled power or privilege

Usage: “We southerners will fight for our rats.”

 

Farn – adjective. Not local

Usage: That boy is from some farn country.

 

Did – adjective. Not alive.

Usage: “Old Tom’s been did for a long time.”

 

Ear – noun. Oxygen

Usage: “Move back and give that boy some ear.”

 

Bob Ware – noun. A sharp twisted cable with wire pricks.

Usage: “Stay away from the bob ware fence.”

 

Jew hear – noun and verb contraction.

Usage: “Jew hear that my brother from Jawja got a job at the bob ware fence company?”

 

Ignert – adjective. Not smart.

Usage: “Them Jones boys are just ignert.”

 

Haze – A contraction.

Usage: “Is bubba ignert? “Yes…haze ignert.”

 

Heidi – noun. A greeting.

Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew?”

 

Bard – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”

Usage: “My brother bard my pickup.”

 

Bammer – noun. The state just west of Jawja.

Usage: “My brother lives in Bammer.”

 

Munts – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: “My brother from Jawja bard my pickup, and I ain’t heard from him in munts.”

 

Bare – noun. An alcoholic drink.

Usage: “My brother from Jawja shore can drink bare.”

 

Thank – Verb. Ability to cognitively process information.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

 

Ranch – noun. A tool designed to tighten things.

Usage: “My brother frum Jawja lost my ranch.”

 

Arsh – adjective. From Ireland.

Usage: “Hand me sum more u’ve them Arsh potatoes.”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Drinking Jokes

 

Last night I dreamed that I was drinking the largest Margarita that I had ever seen. I woke up and there was salt around the rim of the commode…Thank goodness I didn’t eat the worm.

 

Two fellows were sitting at a bar. One said “Yes, I remember Sue. She was the woman that drove me to drinking…and I never had the courtesy to thank her.”

 

We don’t serve women in here. You have to bring your own.

 

Life is too short to drink cheap wine.

 

It was late at night and the last three guys were sitting in a deserted bar drinking. One of them reached in his pocket and pulled out a lamp. “I found this lamp at the beach. I wonder if I should rub it?” They all agreed that he should rub the lamp. When he did so, a genie popped out. “Since there are three of you, I will grant all three of you one wish,” the genie said. The first man said, “I wish I was 10 times smarter.” And his wish was granted. The second guy said, “I wish I was 100 times smarter.” And his wish was granted. The last guy said, “I wish I was 1,000 times smarter.” And he instantly became a woman.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Wisdom from Will Rogers

 

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.

Enjoy his following quotes.

 

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

 

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

 

There are two theories about arguing with a woman…neither works.

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

Always drink upstream from the herd.

 

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it

back in your pocket. (John Wayne, liked this one)

 

There are three kinds of men:

a. The ones that learn by reading.

b. The few who learn by observation.

c. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

 

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 

If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

 

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ back in.

 

After eating an entire dead bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him…The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

We are all ignorant, but not about all of the same things.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Animal Jokes

 

A frog phones the psychic hotline. The frog is told that he will soon meet a beautiful girl and she will change his life. “Great!” says the frog. “Will she kiss me and turn me into a handsome prince?” There was hesitation on the line. The reply was, “No you will meet her in a biology class.”

 

Lost dog… Description: Three legged, blind in one eye, missing left ear, broken tail, recently castrated. He answers to the name of Lucky.

 

A man and woman had been married for many years. The husband has gotten pretty lazy and had turned into a couch potato. He became completely inattentive to his wife and sat watching TV and drinking beer all day. No matter what the wife did she could not get any attention from her husband. This went on and on for many years and the wife was getting fed up with the whole relationship. One day she decided that they needed a pet so that they would have a common interest. Then she went to a pet store. The wife saw this huge, ugly, muscular bird with huge wing, sharp beak, and huge claws. The store owner observed her interest in the bird. He told her it was a special, one of a kind, imported “Goony bird” and that it had a very special talent. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Goony bird that chair!” Suddenly, the Goony bird flew off its perch, out of its cage and with extreme fury, attacked the chair and smashed it into a thousand tiny little pieces with its powerful beak and claws! To demonstrate again, the store owner said, “Goony bird that table!” The same thing happened again. The Goony bird flew to the table and turned it into a mass of rubble. “That’s amazing!” exclaimed the wife, “This is sure to get my husband’s attention!” So she bought the bird and took it home. Upon entering the house, the husband was, as usual, stretched out on the sofa watching the Atlanta Braves and drinking a beer. “Honey!” she shouted, “I’ve got a very big surprise for you! I bought a pet for you. I bought you a Goony bird!” The husband, in his usual hateful and bored tone replied, “Goony Bird my butt!”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

About Growing Older

 

Age is a state of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

 

On aging:

First:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

Second:

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

Third:

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 

Fourth:

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think about Algebra.

 

Fifth:

You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.

 

Sixth:

I wonder how you got over the hill, without getting to the top.

 

Seventh:

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

 

Eighth:

One does not have to wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

 

Ninth:

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 

Tenth:

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft…

Today it’s called golf.

 

And finally:

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

Mr. Harley Simpson had serious hearing problems for a very long time. After visiting a doctor he was fitted with excellent new hearing aids. Upon returning to the doctor’s office for a checkup, the doctor said, “I see no problems. Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really proud that you can hear again.” Old Harley replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family. I still sit around quietly and listen a lot. I’ve changed my will three times already.”

 

Two elderly women were out driving down the road in a big black Lincoln car. As they were driving along they came to an intersection and a traffic light. The traffic light was red but they just went on through without stopping. The little old lady passenger didn’t say a thing. They drove on down the road and after a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Once again, without slowing down they again they went right though the red light. This time the little old lady in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it and maybe didn’t see correctly. The passenger was getting nervous, and decided that this time she was going to pay very close attention to the light, and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the driver and said, “Francis! Don’t you know we have just run through three red lights in a row! We could have been killed!” Francis turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving the car?”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

BALD JOKES

 

The worst thing about going bald is drawing that line across your forehead so that you know where to stop washing your face.

 

You know what they say, “Hair today, gone tomorrow!”

 

I have a life saver haircut. There’s a hole in the middle.

 

I agree with that shampoo commercial on TV. Split hair is a serious problem. Mine split about 10 years ago!

 

If you are going bald in front, you are a thinker.

If you are going bald in the back, you are a lover.

If you are going bald in the front and the back, you just think that you are a lover.

 

I’m not going bald I’m just combing my hair in a circle. I’m thinking about going to a horseshoe pattern.

 

I’ve been going to the local Farmer’s Coop and using the Tail and Mane shampoo for horses. It works really well on my baldness but all that I want to do is eat oats and watch Mr. Ed reruns.

 

My buddy is so bald you can see what’s on his mind.

 

My buddy’s so bald that he took a shower and got brain-washed.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Miscellaneous Funny Stuff

 

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words

The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words

Archimes’ principle: 67 words

The 10 Commandments: 179 words

The Gettysburg Address: 286 words

U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Lincoln once stated: “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.” Lincoln was wrong. There is one man who can fool all of the people all of the time. The weatherman can.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Ever Wonder Why?

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

 

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice?”

 

Why is it that to stop any software, you have to click on “Start?”

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and (see next line)…

 

Why is dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

 

Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?

 

Why is the time of day, with the slowest moving traffic, called rush hour?

 

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

 

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Work Jokes

 

What do you call a country singer that doesn’t have a girlfriend?

Answer: Homeless

 

An entrepreneur works in to a bar and sits down on a barstool. The guy next to him asks. “What up?” “Oh, not much,” replies the entrepreneur. “I’ve been busy this week searching for an accountant,” he replied. The guy next to him responds, “I thought that your company hired an accountant a couple of weeks ago.” The entrepreneur replies, “We did. That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”

 

Do you know the definition of a gentleman?

Answer: A bagpipe player who refuses to play.

 

A lady went to her doctor. The doctor told her that she only had six months to live. “Doctor, what should I do?” she asked. The doctor responded, “Marry an accountant. It will seem like twenty years!”

 

What do you call a country singer with a home mortgage?

Answer: An optimist

 

Someone asked me once why I close my eyes when I play the harmonica. It’s so I can’t see the agony on the faces of the audience.

 

A lady got a knock at the door. When she opened the door there was a man standing there. “Hi, I’m the piano tuner,” he said. “I didn’t send for a piano tuner,” she replied. “I know,” he said. “The neighbors did!”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Talent Jokes

 

You sing so well that you need to be on Stage.

Yeah, on the first stage out of town!

 

You sing so well that you need to sing tenor.

Yeah, ten or twenty feet from here.

 

You sing so well that you need to sing solo.

Yeah, so low that we can’t hear you.

 

Once I played my harmonica for the Queen of England. At least that’s who she said that she was. She came up to me after my show and said, “If you are a harmonica player, then I’m the Queen of England!”

 

Thanks for coming to our show. Tonight we’re going to play some slow tunes…and some fast tunes…and some half fast tunes. (Say half fast really fast a few times and you’ll understand this one.)

 

A blues harmonica player was standing on the corner playing for tips when a little boy walked up to him. “Here’s a dollar,” the little boy said. “I figure that you can use it since you are so poor. My daddy said that you were the poorest harmonica player that he ever heard.”

 

A harmonica player was standing staring down the hole in the outhouse seat when a buddy walked up and asked what he was doing. “I just dropped fifty cents down that toilet hole!” His buddy took out a hundred dollar bill and dropped it in the toilet hole. “Why in the world did you do that?” his buddy asked. The reply came, “You didn’t think I was going to climb down there for 50 cents, did you?”

 

A man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out and playing some really down-home blues on a harmonica. A fellow walked up and asked him what was wrong. He said, “It was thirty years ago today when my wife’s (Then she was his girlfriend.) father caught the two of us in the back seat of my car in a compromising position. The old man told me that I had two choices. I could marry the daughter or he would see to it that I would spend a very long time in prison.” His buddy stated, “Well, I guess you made the right decision since are happily married, so why are you playing the blues?” The harmonica player responded, “I’m playing the blues because today is the date that I would have gotten out of prison!”

 

 

  • * *

 

 

Opening Lines for Comedians

 

The last time that I had an audience that was this attentive and had bright lights in my eyes, my attorney was present.

 

How’s your mama ‘n ‘nem (Mama and them)?

 

Did you here the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?

 

You know, when a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 

HIRE YEW……..Bama is the state state next to Jawjuh.

 

Hello folks! Welcome. I hope that now one here is afraid of the Black Plague!

 

What the heck, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Hello folks. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. Let’s sing!

 

It’s good to be here in the country. I’ve learned that with sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

 

 

  • * *

 

 

About the Authors

Sharon and Ray Steelman

 

 

If it has to do with starting, sustaining, and growing a small business, Sharon and Ray have “been there and done that.” During the past thirty years, Sharon and Ray Steelman have started and run six successful businesses. Their most recent accomplishment is Bama Jammer ™ Promotions. Beginning from scratch, with no money, no equipment and no office, in seven years they transitioned a modest business into a multi-million dollar advertising specialty company. After trial and error, long hours and lots of sweat equity, the pieces finally began to fit.

 

It is amazing enough to build six successful businesses, but to do so completely debt free is even more amazing. By applying Biblical principles, frugal business practices and good work ethics, Sharon and Ray have proven that anyone can realize the “American Dream!”

 

The Steelmans have co-authored eight books, some of which have been marketed by Books-A-Million, Barnes and Noble, Baker and Taylor, Wal-Mart, Hohner, Inc., Amazon.Com, Gaylord Entertainment, Opryland, many tourist attractions and local and regional book stores. They also have been published in numerous business and trade magazines. In one recent year Ray was named “Writer of the Year” by Yesterday’s Memories magazine, a nostalgic publication with national circulation.

 

Sharon is no stranger in business and professional circles, often appearing as a speaker or panelist at national and regional conventions and business meetings. In 2004 she was nominated from a pool of executives from 23,000 companies as “Woman of the Year” in the Advertising Specialty Institute’s most prestigious award for women. Sharon and Ray were both nominated in 2004 as “Entrepreneur of the Year” by ASI. By very narrow margins, they came in second place nationally in both of the above awards.

 

For years Ray, known in harmonica circles as the “Bama Jammer”, has amazed audiences with his skills playing the harmonica. The Bama Jammer has taught literally thousands to play the harmonica through his books, audio and video tapes and harmonica seminars. His books, cassette albums and CD’s have been marketed by Wal-Mart, Books A Million, Barnes and Noble, Baker and Taylor, Amazon.Com, Hohner Harmonica Company, theme parks and on the internet. Over the years, Ray has conducted many harmonica seminars for schools, businesses and professional groups.

 

Based on sales growth, Bama Jammer Promotions was named the “Fastest Growing Promotional Products Distribution Company in America” in 2003 and again in 2004. In the fifty seven year history of this award, this is the only time that the same company has received this recognition twice. In 2004, Bama Jammer Promotions was named “Small Business of the Year” (wholesale / retail division) by the Huntsville / Madison County, Alabama Chamber of Commerce. In 2005 Bama Jammer was named a “Torch Finalist (ethics in business)” by the North Alabama Better Business Bureau. The next year, Bama Jammer was named the winner of the Torch Award by the better Business Bureau. In 2006, The South Regions Minority Business Council named Bama Jammer “The 2006 Supplier of the Year” (in the medium size company category) in the Southeast.

 

Several years ago, Ray became a general aviation pilot and is certified to fly single and multi-engine aircraft, high performance and complex aircraft. He also is IFR certified to fly in the clouds with no outside references, flying completely by the aircraft instruments. Through the Mercy Flight Southeast program, he spends some of his time ferrying patients to and from hospitals and medical centers in far away places. The Mercy Flight Program is a charitable voluntary pilot program where the pilots are not compensated and personally pay all of the expenses of theses flights. Ray shares these expenses with fellow pilot, Michael Dean of Huntsville, Alabama.

 

Ray also has over 200 videos of his flights, his travels, and his vocals and harmonica music on You Tube, Vimeo, Reverb Nation and many other places.

 

If you can imagine it,

You can achieve it;

If you can dream it,

You can become it.

William Ward

 

 

MORE ABOUT SHARON AND RAY STEELMAN AS AUTHORS

 

Sharon and Ray Steelman are a husband and wife team living in Huntsville, Alabama. Since 1972, they have had numerous publications to their credit. They have had articles published in several magazines including Life Insurance Selling, Home Mechanix, Broker World, Yesterday’s Memories, Our Old Town, Health Insurance Underwriter, Harmonica Educator, and others. They have written eight books including, Learn to Play the Harmonica, Learn to Play the Harmonica…Nashville Style, Harmonica 101, All God’s Children and Caveman Entrepreneurship and others listed below They also have marketed two commercial video tapes and six easy listening harmonica albums that have been marketed and sold internationally. Ray has over 200 You Tube and Vimeo harmonica and vocal videos that are viewed around the world each day.

 

Both Sharon and Ray have been Sunday school teachers and are ongoing Bible students. Their publication, All God’s Children, was written in 1997, because of discrepancies in church practices and doctrine that they discovered during their personal exploration of the scriptures.

 

One of their most popular works, Herman…the Male Cow, is a series of short stories pertaining to the childhood of Ray’s uncle, Frank Bryant. These stories are heart-warming tales that depicts life in 1920’s and 1930’s in rural Lincoln County, Tennessee as seen through the eyes of a young farm boy.

 

Some of Sharon and Ray’s books and other products have been marketed by:

 

Barnes and Noble Bookstores

Books A Million

Wal-Mart

Baker and Taylor

Hohner Harmonica Company

Amazon.com Books

Local and Regional Bookstores

 

 

Books by Sharon and Ray Steelman

 

Learn to Play the Harmonica (1978 – no longer available)

 

Learn to Play the Harmonica… Nashville Style

 

Harmonica 101

 

Caveman Entrepreneurship

 

All God’s Children

 

It’s a Tough Act to Follow Myself (poetry)

 

When Sherman and the Boys Came South (True Civil War Stories)

 

The Truth about Tithing

 

Old Phonies, Cronies and other Baloney (A collection of short stories)

 

Jokes You Can Tell Yo’ Mama (joke book)

 

Herman the Male Cow

 

 

These books are available as e-books from most book distributors.

 

 

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Jokes You Can Tell Yo' Mama

No one teaches us to laugh. Somehow, from the earliest ages, we just know how to laugh. It is our first form of communication. Most of these jokes are the ones that the author used over the past forty years when performing on stage playing his harmonica. Sometimes, he was accused of being a better comedian that he was a harmonica player. There may have been a lot of truth to that statement.

  • ISBN: 9781370840403
  • Author: Ray Steelman
  • Published: 2016-07-26 15:40:09
  • Words: 12790
Jokes You Can Tell Yo' Mama Jokes You Can Tell Yo' Mama