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Jokes I Wrote.....While on Snapchat

 

JOKES I WROTE….WHILE ON SNAP CHAT

 

by

Darrel D. Miller

 

Shakespir EDITION

 

  • * * * *

 

PUBLISHED BY:

Darrel D. Miller on Shakespir

 

Jokes I Wrote….While on Snap Chat

 

Copyright © 2016 by Darrel D. Miller

 

 

INTRODUCTION

 

I have these weird thoughts come into my head. In the past I would write them down, and try to expand on them. Perhaps you’ve read some of those attempts. I was not happy with them. Stretching these bits just killed the funny in them for me. So I stopped. Then I realized I could write the bits, and just put all the bits together, like a jigsaw puzzle. That’s what this is, a collection of my bits; a jigsaw of jokes!

 

  • * * * *

 

I will admit I am not the most worldly person in the world. I wouldn’t say I was naive. But I am no expert. Especially when it comes to hamburgers.

 

My family and I went to a restaurant. Okay, sports bar. They serve, almost exclusively, unsurprisingly, hamburgers. I am not a big hamburger lover.

 

We pick what we want. The waitress shows up. I start.

 

“I’ll have the peanut butter and jelly hamburger.” I said. Don’t knock it. It was tasty.

 

The waitress replied, “And how do you want your hamburger?”

 

Now I have pause.

 

I have had steak. I know there are degrees of doneness. Yes that is a real term. And yes, I am not a steak fan either. But I know the vernacular.

 

I did not know the lingo when it came to hamburgers.

 

Turns out it is the same as steak. I was not aware of this.

 

In reply to her question “how do you want your hamburger, “ I replied, “Cooked.”

 

In my defense I have never been asked that about a hamburger. But the again they don’t ask you that at fast food restaurants.

 

While it may not seem like it, I love food. Even more than eating for it, shopping for it. My wife hates going to the grocery store.

 

Again, I love it. When women will talk about window shopping I guess this is what they mean. I don’t even have to buy anything.

 

Especially since they put samples everywhere. I don’t need lunch.

 

One of my favorite grocery stores: Whole Foods. The aroma is intoxicating. So beautiful. So alive. The first time we went to that store I said to my wife, “This is what I imagine NPR smells like.”

 

I should add that in the interim I have found my second favorite grocery store: Hy-Vee. Its like a low rent whole foods.

 

Then there is Walmart. While technically a grocery store, it does not evoke the same experience.

 

A bit after I told my wife that Whole Foods smells like NPR, we walked into a Walmart.

 

She asked me, “What’s Walmart smell like?”

 

“Talk radio.”

 

When I started watching the Frugal Gourmet, a cooking show, the host, Jeff Smith said, “Smells can transport us in time.” Even now when I eat a peanut butter sandwich and yogurt I am sitting at my grandfather’s table. We ate that for lunch, a lot. That or Little Caesar’s Pizza. He didn’t like to shop. I love that memory. Now even our mattresses can have memories.

 

That’s right, I’m talking about memory foam!

 

One of my co-workers swore it was the best thing since sliced bread. And I have to believe her, since I have never slept on bread.

 

Then I started wondering something. If memory foam has memory, can it forget? I don’t want a mattress with Alzheimer. Otherwise I spent all that money on a regular mattress. Or worse, what if your memory foam mattress forgives but won’t forget. And does it remember all the things, or people, you did? If so, then I need to clean my sheets and mattress.

 

So I’ll pass on a memory foam mattress, too many memories.

 

Of course it wouldn’t matter, as I often don’t sleep well anyway.

 

As my wife can attest to the litany of things I have done whilst asleep I will regale you with only a few:

 

Once I woke up, screamed, and cowered behind my blanket. All because I was convinced that the ceiling fan was a Pterodactyl flying at me.

 

On another occasion I tapped my wife on the shoulder. She rolled over, and I guess I said, “Are they all dead?” To which my wife replied, “Yes, now go back to sleep.” I did.

 

The topper is my being targeted for assassination by my cat.

 

For nearly a week, which is unusual for me, I was convinced, in my half asleep state, that my cat, Lois, was trying to assassinate me. I use assassinate under advisement. The first few nights I would just harmlessly bat her off the back of the couch I was sleeping on. About the third night I woke up. I saw her slinking in the darkness. I said, “You will not assassinate me!” To keep from dying I did what was only logical at the time: pull my blanket up above my face. I thought, “They can’t kill you if they can’t cut your throat.” I was convinced a blanket was enough protection.

 

I knew this was going on, but in my half awake state, I could not convince myself that I was not Lois’ target.

 

The fifth night was the last straw. I went to sleep, and woke up with Lois in my lap. I had pinned her on her back, and was pointing a stern finger in her face. I said very firmly, “You will not try to kill me any more.”

 

At this I slid her off my lap, came to my senses. That was it, I said to myself, “This is not real. The cat is not trying to assassinate you.”

 

Sleeping isn’t always easy, especially for babies.

 

We moved to a new town. From the country to the city. I forgot how much people suck. We set up our home. Including the dog kennel. Our dogs would bark, but we would not let them bark much before letting them in. We weren’t quick enough for the neighbors. Neighbors suck.

 

They called the landlord. We live in a trailer park. He called us and asked us that some of our neighbors complained about the barking. “They said your dogs barked and woke up their baby.”

 

I wasn’t happy. I said OK, and we thought about how to retaliate. I mean solve the problem.

 

My wife said, “What if we call the landlord and tell him that their babies crying woke up our dogs?”

 

We decided to move the kennel to the other side of the trailer.

 

That solved our problem.

 

 

[ * * * ]

 

NOTE TO THE READER:

Read more of my essays at

https://www.Shakespir.com/profile/view/darrelmiller

 

OR

 

Get some very good art at:

https://www.fiverr.com/darreldarrel

 

OR

 

See some of my great illustrations

http://darrelmiller.deviantart.com/

 

 


Jokes I Wrote.....While on Snapchat

I have these weird thoughts come into my head. In the past I would write them down, and try to expand on them. Perhaps you’ve read some of those attempts. I was not happy with them. Stretching these bits just killed the funny in them for me. So I stopped. Then I realized I could write the bits, and just put all the bits together, like a jigsaw puzzle. That’s what this is, a collection of my bits; a jigsaw of jokes!

  • ISBN: 9781310153150
  • Author: Darrel Miller
  • Published: 2016-05-24 14:50:08
  • Words: 1156
Jokes I Wrote.....While on Snapchat Jokes I Wrote.....While on Snapchat