Copyright © 2014 by Hey Sup Bye Publishing
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Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Q: Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
A: They can wear casual clothes to work!
Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Q: What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Q: How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many did it take last year?
Q: How do you know when an accountant is on vacation?
A: He doesn’t wear a tie to work and comes in after 8:30 AM!
Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His personality!
Q: What’s the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand!
Q: What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him!
Q: What is a budget?
A: An orderly system for living beyond your means!
Q: If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
A: Darling, could you tell me about your work!
Q: What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A: His desk is level!
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Force him to watch you fold up a map the wrong way!
Q: Why did God invent economists?
A: So accountants could have someone to laugh at!
Q: What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing a hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card!
Q: What’s a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s retiring!
Q: What would economics be without assumptions?
Q: What does CPA stand for?
A: Can’t Produce Anything!
Q: What does FCPA stand for?
A: Finally Caught Pinching the Assets!
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker!
Q: Why don’t accountants read novels?
A: Because the only numbers in them are page numbers!
Q: How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll run a few numbers and get back to you!
Q: When do accountants get a good laugh?
A: When somebody asks for a raise!
Q: What’s an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor!
Q: Why did the little kid dance on the jar of jam?
A: Because the top said, “twist to open!”
Q: What did the overweight ballet dancer perform?
A: The dance of the sugar plump fairy!
Q: What animals are poor dancers?
A: Four-legged ones because they have two left feet!
Q: What dance do you do when summer is over?
A: Tango (tan go)!
Q: What is good for your soul but not for your soles?
A: Line dancing!
Q: What do you call a line dancer on a cruise?
A: An ocean liner!
Q: Why did the two knives go to the dance together?
A: They both looked sharp!
Q: What kind of dance do buns do?
Q: What is a duck’s favorite dance?
A: The quackstep!
Q: What dance do hippies hate?
A: A square dance!
Q: What do tired line dancers do?
A: They line down!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogie on it!
Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite dance?
A: The vaults!
Q: What dance does a chicken refuse to do?
A: The foxtrot!
Q: Which dances do burgers do best?
A: The burger-loo and the char char slide!
Q: What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?
A: Fill me in when you get back!
Q: Why didn’t the dentist ask his secretary out?
A: He was already taking out a tooth!
Q: What was the dentist doing in Panama?
A: Looking for a root canal!
Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant!
Q: What did the dentist see at the North Pole?
A: A molar bear!
Q: What game did the dentist play when she was a child?
A: Caps and robbers!
Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
A: Dracula’s dentist!
Q: Where does the dentist get his gas?
A: At a gas station!
Q: Anyone know the six most frightening words in the world?
A: The dentist will see you now!
Q: What did the dentist say to the computer?
A: This won’t hurt a byte!
Q: What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?
A: He braces himself!
Q: Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
A: Because he is boring!
Q: What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty!
Q: Why does a dentist seem moody?
A: Because he always looks down in the mouth!
Q: Why do dentists like potatoes?
A: Because they are so filling!
Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?
A: You have a hole in one!
Q: Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?
A: A month later he was picking his teeth!
Q: What was Scottish dentist’s name?
A: Phil McCavity!
Q: What is a drill team?
A: A group of dentists working together!
Q: How does the pig farmer get to the fair?
A: He rides piggyback!
Q: Why did the farmer feed his pig sugar and vinegar?
A: He wanted sweet and sour pork!
Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
A: He wanted them to lay colored eggs!
Q: What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once?
A: I’m on the horns of a dilemma!
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture!
Q: What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A: A milk sheik!
Q: Why did bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef!
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Where’s my tractor?!
Q: What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?
A: There’s more there than meets the sty!
Q: Why are farmers cruel?
A: Because they pull corn by the ear!
Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
A: A dressmaker sews what she gathers, and a farmer gathers what he sows!
Q: How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
A: They trod on his corn!
Q: How does a farmer send messages?
A: By E-I-E-I-O-mail!
Q: Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen!
Q: What did the crazy pig say to the farmer?
A: You take me for grunted!
Q: Did you hear about the farmer that ploughed his field with a steamroller?
A: He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
Q: What word begins with the letter F and ends with UCK?
Q: Why don’t deputy fire marshals look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will something to do in the afternoon!
Q: If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant then what is on the outside?
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To keep their pants up!
Q: How do you put out a fire?
A: Take away the heat, fuel, oxygen, and the chief!
Q: What does CHAOS stand for?
A: The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene!
Q: What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A: A ladder in her stocking!
Q: A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?
A: Hosea and Hoseb!
Q: What usually comes after a monster lights birthday candles?
A: The fire department!
Q: What is the first thing taken off the truck at a trailer fire?
A: A lawn chair!
Q: What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?
A: Holy smokes!
Q: Did you know that the three wise men were firemen?
A: It says they came from afar (a fire)!
Q: What kind of ears do pumpers have?
A: They have engineers!
All of the firefighters at my station are quick.
They’re even fast asleep!
Q: What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman!
Q: Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
A: Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
Q: Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?
A: In a brief case!
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances!
Q: Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?
A: Because it’s too much like work what with all of the lying involved!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough!
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey had first choice!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark!
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested!
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why wouldn’t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle!
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still!
Q: Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
A: Nobody will look for them!
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An oxymoron!
Q: What is the proper weight for a lawyer?
A: About 3-4 pounds (not counting the urn!)
Q: How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
A: Only one if you run him through slowly!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You should take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion!
Q: What do you call a fight between film actors?
A: Star wars!
Q: What is an actor?
A: A man who tries to be everything but himself!
Q: Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet?
A: To boldly go where no man has been before!
Q: Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
A: Because it’s all play!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio?
Q: What kind of star wears sunglasses?
A: A movie star!
Q: How many fire safety guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One but it’s an 8 hour minimum!
Q: Why can’t anyone stay angry long with an actress?
A: Because she always makes up!
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it’s staying IN!
Q: How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
A: She’s the one sleeping with the writer!
Q: How many 2nd ADs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Standby. I’ll check on that!
Q: How many 1st ADs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can’t you see I’m busy!
Q: How many agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Agents will screw in just about anything!
Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we’ll have to change everything!
Q: How many directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more guys. I promise!
Q: What did the police officer say to his stomach?
A: I’ve got you under a vest!
Q: How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
A: None. He fell!
Q: Did you hear the police are looking for a thief with one eye?
A: Why don’t they use two?
Q: What nickname did the police give to the red-headed woman police officer?
A: A fair cop!
Q: How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to smash the old bulb to splinters!
Q: A rapist, a thief, and a murderer are in the same car. Who is driving?
A: A police officer!
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: You would lose your buzz a lot faster!
Q: Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
A: They are both surrounded by nuts!
Q: What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
A: He charges you double!
Q: What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
A: You know you need a psychiatrist!
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?
Q: What do psychologists say to each other when they meet?
A: You’re fine, how am I?
Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many do you think it takes?
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits!
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change!
Q: What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: Rugs and kisses!
Q: How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
A: His lips are moving!
Q: What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?
Q: What salesman has the slickest line?
A: A hair grease salesman!
Q: Why did the burglar take a shower?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway!
Q: If you crossed a gangster and a garbage man, what would you have?
A: Organized grime!
Q: What kind of thief steals meat?
A: A hamburglar!
Q: Why was the robber so secure?
A: He was a safe robber!
Q: Who was the world’s greatest thief?
A: Atlas, because he held up the entire world!
Q: Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?
A: Al Caprawn!
Q: What was the parrot doing in prison?
A: He was a jail-bird!
Q: What kinds of parties do prisoners like the most?
A: A going-away party!
Q: Why do pens get sent to prison?
A: To do long sentences!
Q: What stars go to jail?
A: Shooting stars!
Q: What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals?
Q: What do you call a long-legged spider with criminal tendencies?
A: Baddy long legs!
Q: What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?
A: Sorry to take so much of your valuable time!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A: A kongvict!
Q: Why are burglars such good tennis players?
A: Because they spend a lot of their time in court!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar?
A: Robbery with violets!
Q: What do you call a robbery in China?
A: A Chinese take-away!
Q: What kind of robbery is not dangerous?
A: A safe robbery!
Q: Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?
A: So they could break out!
Q: Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?
A: It needs bailing out!
Q: Who is the strongest thief?
A: A shoplifter!
Q: How do bank robbers send messages?
A: By flee mail!
Q: When did the criminal get smart?
A: When the judge threw the book at him!
Q: What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?
A: One steals from the people and the other peals from the steeple!
Q: What hired killer never goes to jail?
A: The exterminator!
Q: What diploma do criminals get?
A: The third degree!
Q: How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t even change a five dollar bill!
Q: How many librarians does it take to change in a light bulb?
A: I don’t know, but I can look it up for you!
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About a third as many as it would for a regular bulb!
Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old it is!
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Laugh-Out-Loud Job Jokes and Humor! Did you know that laughing can have positive physical and mental effects on the body? Laughter can lower blood pressure, lighten tense situations, and help you bond with friends and family. Jokes, humor, and comedy come in many forms. Whether it is a few funny jokes, a silly joke book, or a funny movie, we can all benefit from the positive effects of comedy and humor! You'll love this hilarious joke book. Share a funny joke with a friend today! -171 funny jokes -Hilarious modern day humor -Laugh out loud jokes and entertainment With this collection of funny jokes you can make everyone laugh! This ebook full is perfect for any occasion. You and your friends will laugh at this funny joke book about jobs and professions. Uses for funny jokes... -Can aid in storytelling -Great for conversation starters -Improves conversation and social skills -Can make others laugh, smile, and be more playful -Can lighten tense moods and create rapport with others -Fun to post on social media and send in text messages to friends From the book... Q: What did the tooth say to the departing dentist? A: Fill me in when you get back! --- Q: Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens? A: He wanted them to lay colored eggs! --- Q: What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? A: Lawsuits! More Jokes About... -Accountants -Dancing -Dentist -Farmer -Firefighter -Lawyers -Movies/Movie Directors -Police -Psychiatrist/Psychologists -Salesman -Thief -Other Professions Scroll up and click "buy" to start laughing now!