All Rights Reserved
Copyright©2015 Chandre Toye
Published by Ink Blood Publishing
All Rights Reserved. This Book May Not Be Reproduced, Transmitted, Or Stored In Whole Or Part Or In Part By Any Means, Including Graphic, Electronic, Or Mechanical Without The Express Written Consent Of The Publisher Except In The Case Of Brief Quotations Embodied In Critical Articles And Reviews.
I am drowning in mid-air.
My head feels so light,
My stomach more than tight,
And tears fall without a care.
I search and look around for reprieve,
Hoping to be forgiven for what I have done,
Hoping to forgive and to drop this burden,
Watching the sun die without sleeps relief.
These saltwater drops never cease.
Falling slow, depressions rain.
Holding tight, Depression reigns.
It causes no pleasure, creates no release.
How can I continue this life?
When my lips quiver at the softest word,
My eyes drain at coos and purrs,
And any conversation leaves me wanting to grab a sharp knife.
I understand you’ll tell me “It’ll be okay.”
Shut up, stop talking,
You either listen or I’m walking.
Do you even hear the words you say?
Does it make you feel better, living in this fantasy?
Those words won’t fix my depression,
So aim them in someone else’s direction.
Just because you say these things doesn’t mean they’ll be.
You ask me what I want to hear to make it go away.
Are you that naive, that insistent?
All I want is for you to listen!
Words are what hurt me in the beginning, so please keep them at bay.
So now you know not to talk, but to read my poetry.
It might not flow, it might not rhyme,
It’s probably a waste of time,
But to hear my thoughts you must read, and save me from catastrophe.
So deep in the shadows of the night,
I see those glowing eyes in the shining light,
Inside them are the lyrics to our song,
They tell me I can never do any wrong.
Inside those big beautiful eyes,
I found a beloved friend of mine,
One who guards me from all evil?
One who shields me from all love?
Your eyes are the windows that show your soul,
They sparkle with glamour and make me whole,
They whisper to me, our sweet lullaby,
So I’ll always know when you are nearby.
The emerald green with a lick of blue,
That’s how I know it is always you,
You hold me tightly near your heart,
As you release me, and you hazily depart.
When you are gone, I will slowly decay,
You leave me knowing, I will always obey,
I’m under your spell.
And without you, life is pure hell.
You lay here, with your sad eyes, unloving and deep.
You stay secluded within your hearts protective keep.
I see you here alone and afraid.
Your life is on hold, your existence delayed.
“Come outside with me”
“There is life to enjoy.”
There’s laughter and love,
The world is your toy.
You look up at me,
With tears in your eyes.
You look like pure sadness,
Like the last star in the sky.
Come outside with me.
You will have fun you see,
Take your soul out of its cup and always remember,
To never give up.
There is so much to write, so much I would like to say,
So much so, that I can’t wait just one more day.
How will you know what I just can’t express?
How will I ever make any more progress?
There are so many great poems, so many wonderful books,
I want to still write my own, not just look.
But there is nothing here, nothing to inspire.
My heart has gone cold, I have lost my fire.
Now what I try to write is so boring and bland.
I wish I could still dream of those far off distant lands.
Words used to run like plays through my mind,
Now they are all gone, the tape won’t rewind.
Hopefully the fall will bring me to my knees,
Maybe the colors will appease my mournful pleas.
Hopefully my mind will remember those days
When the leaves would fall and my mind would play.
But for now my words are as bland as this scorching summer,
Which actually isn’t bland, so maybe I’m just dumber,
From this lack of a life, from the lack of classes.
Hopefully I come back when this and time passes.
Promise Me a Lie
Sing to me a lullaby,
To your hearts secret beat,
I don’t care what it says,
As long as your voice is sweet.
Tell me of all the stars,
How they light up the sky,
Tell me of all your dreams,
And how much you wish to fly.
Tell me all you want,
And what you need to say,
I’ll promise to always listen,
If you promise me you’ll stay.
We’re hanging on a string,
Hoping it can hold our weight,
Reminiscing our time together,
Because we know it’s soon to break.
You sing me all the secrets,
That hide within your soul,
Before we break, I give you a smile,
And you return the heart you stole.
The reason we ended up breaking,
Was far too clear for us to hide,
We made each other such a big promise,
It was bound to become a lie.
Time has slipped away from us,
A moment forgotten,
I just can’t help making a fuss,
Inside it makes me feel rotten.
Yet as time draws to an end,
I feel no worries that haunt my heart,
So all my love to you I send,
For we shall never really be apart.
So my love don’t weep for me,
Soon I shall kiss your sweet lips again,
For time shall set us free,
And we shall feel no pain.
I would like to say hello, but everything starts with a goodbye.
I would like to smile, but everything causes me to hide.
I would like to meet someone new, but everyone is the same.
I would like to paint a beautiful picture, but I have nothing but a broken frame.
I would love to roam so wild free, but these iron bars are trapping me.
And you would like to see why I am always so troubled,
Though all this has caused, was for my insanity to be doubled.
They all wish for me to just disappear, but I always come back year after year!
I am someone that you would regret to cross, but they never listen because they have no fear!
Everyone says that I am a curse, something that would scare them half to death!
But what I really am is something far worse, I will make you lose your breath!
And after all I am lonely, so I will not even stop to rest.
You are now lost, never to escape this dark forest!
Until someone said hi…that’s when I would die.
I finally understand this now, and let this black raven fly.
But I never got to say hello, the only thing said was goodbye.
This world is filled with so many problems,
Sometimes I wonder if I should solve them,
But then life would start to come to order
And all questions would have a right answer.
Then what jobs would there be for the people to do?
Those who watched the sky or preached at the steeple.
When no one asks then none will answer,
What will become of students and teachers?
You have the most fun when the end is unclear,
That is the time when you get your best ideas.
That is how we thought about flying to the moon,
Because to great visions we were not immune.
So when the day comes we think we know it all,
We will have to think of when the earth was still so very small,
When the world was as flat as a map,
And the witches were really all just madcap.
So if you know all that there is to know,
There really is no need to look down on me so.
Because I am at bliss with my ignorance,
My stupidity is my brilliance.
To Decode You
I see you every day with not a trace of emotion on your face.
I don’t even know your name!
Walking on a path that leads nowhere yet everywhere at the same time.
What purpose do you have?
How can you go on wandering like a lonesome lost ghost?
I’ve never heard you,
Not a peep,
Not a sneeze or a cough
You are timeless, with an emotionless face.
You’re so hard to read!
There are no lines to follow.
You intrigue me,
You make me curious.
I want to know absolutely everything about you,
Do you hide behind a fake persona?
Do you hide behind a monsters mask?
Are you really that disinterested with the world?
Or has the world cast you aside?
I feel like I’m the hacker,
And you’re the computer I want to decode.
To get all the secrets from you,
The trick is getting close to you
The problem was letting myself fall for you.
I let my emotions escape me,
And now they’ve gone and betrayed me.
When I fall sleep I dream of you,
When I think, I think of you.
I would pay the ultimate price,
To get a glimpse of what goes on inside your head
To see all the things,
The curious things in your head
But I am the invisible hacker
And you’re the oblivious computer.
The darkness is near,
The darkness is here,
The darkness brings nothing but fear.
Switch on the light,
Make things bright,
Please someone answer my plight.
There is evil knocking at the door,
Making me shiver and fall to the floor,
Someone please help, I can take it no more.
It’s here to consume us,
So it doesn’t help making a fuss.
A Waking Dream
It feels like a waking dream,
Like being showered in a bright sunlight beam.
You are my ray of everlasting hope,
My sole reason to carry on and cope.
You have lifted the darkness from my eyes,
Every day with you brings a new surprise.
It feels like a waking dream,
Flowing down a serene stream.
How do I say thank you?
For that, I do not have a clue.
You are my one and only desire,
You set my heart, mind, body and soul on fire.
This loneliness is my everlasting sorrow,
A pain that lasts through yesterday, today and tomorrow.
How do I make this feeling go away?
When everyday all I can do is sit here by myself and pray.
This life I live is just a lie,
Because every day I wish I could just die.
This loneliness is my everlasting sorrow,
I am like an empty shell, vast and hollow.
There is a wind that so softly blows,
A river so wide and deep, it overflows.
A wind that whispers all through the night,
A river that flows until days first light.
For this wind brings daylights glow,
This river runs from today till tomorrow.
The wind brings a promise of a future so bright,
The river runs to make all stories right.
My oh my,
Why do you cry?
When instead you could fly.
Do not shed a tear,
Or others might feel your fear,
Please oh please listen to me my dear.
Don’t neglect those you love,
For they are gifts from heaven up above,
As pure as a snow-white dove.
Remember that you choose your own fate,
Do not allow yourself to become hates bait.
Allow yourself to be free,
Make this your life’s decree,
Please oh please listen to me.
Now go and love and peace my friend,
Remember those you must defend.
Little moon, little moon,
Why do you shine like you do?
So high in the sky,
A bright light in the night,
Leading the way for all the weary travellers,
Hope for those lost in the darkest of ways.
Little moon, little moon,
Tell me your secret,
Do you shine just for me?
I walk in Silence through the cold winter night.
Under the shadow of a new moons flight.
I sing of all the sorrow and friends that have past
This unspeakable pain, is to be the last.
Am I alone here and forever more?
I wander here over the forests floor.
Where are the howls under the full moon?
Is this the end? Has it come so soon?
I am the Wolf and I shall find home
Paws steps beside me, I am never alone.
I have so many thoughts that I want to express,
It’s like wearing a straight-jacket when you want to undress,
Creating confusion, emotions a mess,
Holding it in and producing duress.
Then there’s the need to feel your warm touch,
To hug you and kiss you and hold you as such,
One small moment in time, I’m not asking too much,
I can wait forever, I can’t help the rush.
Yes small little moments, and I want a night,
For us to be free, for us to shine bright,
Somewhere that’s hidden, that’s far out of sight,
Where we can be lovers from darkness to light.
To just live a day in the life we can’t glean,
To see what we’re made of, to see what “we” mean,
Discover this comet that we have both seen,
To give explanation of feelings so keen.
In the mean time I sit here, silent and still,
With all of this yearning that only you can full-fill,
To just see your smile would be such a thrill,
So tickled inside, outside I show nil.
For we must both bury our feelings inside,
This lust we can’t show, cravings we must hide,
At the end of the rope of the knot that was tied,
Attraction breaks forth as our paths coincide.
Now I’ll wait for you, to see your advance,
To find out what moves you, to share in your dance,
Despite our impediment, I will take a chance,
To be here with you in this cryptic romance.
Come Back To Me
Your beauty blinds like the strongest of rays,
Traveling through your dunes; I have been lost for days.
You may think I am yours,
But I belong to no one.
You took me to your palace,
Together we survived the malice.
No matter how far you sink,
I will still save your life.
Greeted by a love so fair,
Caressing my bones, leaving me without a care.
You have no choice but to live.
Just open your eyes already!
These shimmering woods come alive
Life all around continues to thrive
That’s it, he’s coming around!
You can’t make me leave
I need to believe
I know you’re in there!
Relax in reality
Stop! Let me grieve.
The waiting has become an unbearable pain,
Like waiting in the harsh heat of summer for the first drops of rain.
It scorches the heart like it does the earth,
Like a mother waiting to give birth.
No joys are left in this world to find,
Go around in circles as if we were blind.
Happiness is kept at bay,
The white soft clouds keep floating away.
And yet we keep fighting for a world of our own,
No longer wanting to be alone.
But still we shall wait till the end of each day,
To be in each other’s arms where we can just lay.
In this world where choices reign
Our souls are lost and we feel such pain
Wandering around with no direction
Just a ray of light as our protection
The choice is made after much confusion
Let’s just hope this isn’t an illusion
We shall rule this world together
Maybe even forever and ever
This unquenchable thirst…
This unbearable ache.
Is it worth the risk?
Is it worth a lifetime?
It consumes the strongest of us,
Ooverpowering all logical senses,
This liquid jail,
So much more than just an ale,
It drowns from within,
Tortures and maims,
Until those with inner strength
U shall not win.
I stand by your side,
We will win this fight.
This will not change who we are,
It will not dictate.
Side by side,
In the end it will be alright.
A day at a time,
This demon can’t win.
Suppress the urges,
Find another release,
Face it together,
And we shall live forever,
This is the choice.
Now to stay on this path,
Follow the trail,
Take my hand and hold it tight.
Never let go till we win this fight
We stumble, slip and fall
It feels like we’ve hit a brick wall
But in our darkest hour now
I am here to wipe your brow
We will beat this, you and I
Just let it all out, it’s ok to cry
Now fight I say, with all your might
Give this demon a huge fright
We can do this, you will see
And in the end we shall be set free
It looks so good
The colors bright
It calls our names
It tempts us so
And all is lost
Seduced by liquid
Reduced to nothing
It feeds the demons
That reside within
It feeds their needs
And we lose control
The bottle is a warped illusion
The liquid making
An unwanted intrusion.
The Demon Within
I call it a demon,
That is what it is to me,
It feeds off sorrow and pain,
Makes love feel like it’s in vain,
Causes anger, hurt, jealousy,
Steals my love, from right under me.
So yes this demon,
I wish to slay,
Like a knight in shining armor,
Battling to win this day
I still believe it is a demon,
It is a lie and a cheat,
Making the strongest of us,
Curl up in a ball,
Until it is defeated.
You say these things to hurt me…. I won’t lie, they really do
You accuse me of being wrong, where you ever right though?
I want to hurt you, make you cry and make you doubt yourself too
The worst of all are the things you say, the things that are so low.
You forget the person that I once was
The one that always stood by you
Was there to care and nurture
Only good enough when needed
What about our anniversaries?
The ones that you forgot
The pretty clothes and make up I wore
And all I got was an “oh sorry, is the food still hot?”
You blame me for a child I could not bear,
But tell me… How can that be fair?
Thank God it didn’t happen though
I can’t imagine raising another you.
I knew your past as you knew mine
I never judged you or made fun
Yet here you stand throwing mine in my face
Like I really had a choice
Please leave my family alone
This fight is not theirs
Frankly, it’s not even ours anymore
It’s time to let go and move on
Oh yes I have
A man a million times more than what you ever were
He treats me right, makes me love myself once more
The man I know my future lies with, for now and all eternity.
Just stop ok?
Enough is enough
The words you spew… Are the ramblings of a monster?
Is that really you?
Fate blessed me then
Because I escaped a life of criticism and insults.
Feelings of worthlessness and uselessness.
That is not a life I want to live.
I am happy now
Just go away
Before this impartialness turns to pure hate
It’s not like me to wish someone dead,
But I fear the feeling is soon to come.
There is no more to say,
No more silly games to play
Just say goodbye
Today is a brand new beginning for us,
But is it really?
We began to walk this path,
hand in hand,
Side by side,
on a journey of exploration and adventure
Not knowing where this endless path would lead,
and not caring,
because we knew we were
facing it together…
As friends, we knew
we’d face all the challenges
We knew we’d look after each other,
and we’d keep the other safe from harm
and free from strife.
Along the way our friendship changed
it became more that we’d anticipated or even hoped for;
we fell in love…
It’s really fitting that on this day
we should find the two of us like this
as we’ve always been.
Today is the day I marry you,
my best friend…
Our journey now continues
The path before us is clear and wide,
and on it we shall walk the miles together
Together as best friends,
as a couple,
as lifelong partners and soulmates
bound forever by our love.
“Love believes all things,
Hopes for all things,
endures all things…
Love never fails”
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