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Human Dog

Human Dog


Mario V. Farina

Copyright 2016 Mario V. Farina

Shakespir Edition

Shakespir Edition, License Notes

All Rights Reserved

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Correspondence may be directed to:

Mario V. Farina

Email: [email protected]



This story is true. I assure you that the events I will relate actually took place because I participated in them. I was the main character, in a loose manner of speaking.

Before going further, I must tell you that I am a dog, a German Shepherd, to be precise. Please read on. I am not attempting to deceive you. This is not a joke! Do hear me out!

I was born in August, 1996. I remember the birth process very well. In fact, I can even remember a few days of darkness before I actually entered the world. My early days were uneventful. They represented the ordinary life of a dog. I felt there was something unusual about me but I couldn’t pin it down. Humans came and took me to a pet shop. Not long after that I was purchased and came to reside in the home of Jane and Roger Bennett on Spring Street in Los Angeles. The Bennett’s were a young couple and had a three-year-old daughter named Janet. There was also a cat there name Pippie. The family called me Terry.


The Bennett’s would go to work in the morning and take the child with them. The cat would be left at home with a good supply of food. The television was turned on to keep her company.


It took me only a day or two to understand what being trained meant. Mr. Bennett would come home at noontime and take me for a walk. Then, he’d bring me back and leave me in the house for the afternoon. In the evening, there were a couple of walks outdoors, sometimes more. Janet would play with me. I shunned the cat.


Much to the consternation of the Bennett’s and Janet, I grew fast and was full-grown at the end of three weeks. They had wanted me to remain a puppy for a good deal longer. I began to realize that I possessed a most unusual degree of intelligence, far more than any other dog that had ever lived. Indeed, my intelligence was light years ahead of any human who was currently alive or who had ever lived. You may wonder how I knew this since I was only a pup and knew so little about the world. I knew what I knew with the same certainty that a human knows that he or she is incomparably more intelligent than an ant. It was simply obvious.


I came to know the world through television. What I didn’t see directly, I deduced through logic. I learned that people communicated with language, that they lived in cities and countries on a planet in the solar system within the cosmos known as the Universe. Through reason, I was able to fit bits and pieces of information together. I learned how people governed themselves, how they behaved in the workplace and at home, how they mated and reproduced their kind. At about the same time that I was fully grown, I had a complete understanding of the ways of the world, and I knew, of course, that I was a dog.


There came a time when I had to make a decision concerning what I was going to do with my life. I ruled out the option of living as a dog since I was one of the most unusual creatures that nature had ever produced. It was necessary that I communicate with humans so that the world would know of my existence and learn from it.


I realized that I had to overcome several obstacles. I understood English but could not speak it. My mouth and vocal cords could not form the necessary sounds. I understood how humans used their hands to make things, to eat, to type, etc, but I had no hands that I could use in the same ways. I understood that humans had free access to educational facilities such as schools and libraries, but I had no such access. Finally, I understood that, despite the fact that I was much more intelligent than humans, I might have a difficult time convincing them that they could learn from me.


These were formidable obstacles, but I had no doubt that I could overcome them. I decided to communicate with humans using the Morse Code. I had learned that this code consisted of dots and dashes and that various combinations of dots and dashes represented the twenty-six letters of the alphabet. I decided to convey the word dog in this code.


The letter D is made with a dash followed by two dots; the letter O is made with three consecutive dashes; and the G is made with two dashes immediately followed by a dot. I was able to sound out these letters by barking.


“Wooof, yip, yip; wooof, wooof, wooof; wooof, wooof, yip. Each wooof represented a dash and each yip represented a dot.


In the home of the Bennett’s, barking these letters produced no results even though I repeated them over and over. The Bennett’s seemed to believe that this was simply my mode of barking. When Mr. Bennett took me for a walk, I would bark to passersby, but no one paid the slightest bit of attention.


One day a Boy Scout, about 12 years old, was walking with his mother. I turned toward him and began to wooof and yip the word dog. At first, the boy showed no interest but then began listening intently. He pulled at his mother’s waistband yelling, “Mommy, Mommy, that dog is barking in the Morse Code!”


His mother drew away. “Jimmy,” she scolded, “I don’t have time to listen to nonsense! She pulled while he continued to protest. “Mommy, Mommy,” he kept screaming, “That dog is barking in the Morse Code!” His voice faded in the distance.


I kept barking the code whenever Mr. Bennett walked me and finally one day, there was a stroke of luck. An old former radio operator from the US Army Signal Corps, heard me and perked up his ears.


I barked to the radio operator, “yip yip, yip, yip; yip, yip” which spelled “hi.” The old man looked directly at me and said, “My name is Hank, can you understand me?” I wooofed and yipped, yes. Unlike all the others, this wonderful old soldier immediately believed! He asked me questions and I responded. Through it all, Mr. Bennett was gaping in amazement, probably wondering with what kind of lunacy the old man and I were afflicted.


Hank smiled as I continued to bark. He turned to Mr. Bennett. “That police dog is barking English words in Morse Code,” he said. “Sure,” responded Mr. Bennett, “and he’s also saying that he is really a prince trapped inside the skin of a dog.” Hank persisted until Mr. Bennett was persuaded to keep an open mind.


Hank suggested that Mr. Bennett have me tested. Amazingly, Mr. Bennett agreed. He and Hank took me to UCLA and prevailed upon a couple of mathematicians to conduct a test. At first, these men were skeptical but when I began to answer their questions, they listened. They were, nevertheless, hard to convince. They even taught themselves enough Morse Code to assure each other that I was indeed capable of carrying on a conversation. They became entirely won over when I gave them the solution to the four-color problem, an enigma, with which, mathematicians had been struggling for centuries.


I also told him that Fermat must have been kidding when he told the world that he had a solution to a most perplexing problem, his so-called Lost Theorem. There was no solution to the problem, and I demonstrated this with only six short barked sentences.


The mathematicians rushed to their phones and, soon, there was a crowd of people in the school including city officials and reporters. Everyone began calling out questions, and I barked the answers as fast as I could. One of the reporters strapped a stubby pencil to my paws and helped me stand on a chair to access a computer terminal. I was able to type my responses to questions faster than I could this by barking. With only two paws I was able to type about as fast as a good typist.


The reporters asked questions in the fields of mathematics, physics, astronomy, Einstein’s theory of relativity, and more. I gave answers that, in some instances, startled them. For example, I corrected a few minor errors that Einstein had made when he enunciated his famous Theory of Relativity. Much of what I told the group was completely unknown to them. I revealed sources of energy that no one had even suspected existed. I explained the exact nature of black holes and dark matter in the Universe. I gave new insights into religion and the meaning of life. Though there had been initial resistance, people began to accept me as the greatest intellect the world had ever known. One person estimated that my IQ must be 500. I smiled inwardly – for I knew that it was at least 50 times that. In the weeks and months that followed, I was invited to teach at Harvard, Yale, Oxford, RPI, and many other prestigious schools. It became necessary for me to exchange the comfort of the Bennett’s residence for an assortment of cold, inhospitable hotels all over the world. I was driven from place to place in luxurious limousines accompanied by teams of eminent mathematicians and physicists.


I was even featured as dog of the year in Time Magazine.


To give my appearance a semblance of dignity, I was fitted with a tux. A computer program was provided to speak the words that I typed on a laptop computer. For my comfort, a portable potty was designed and built. This consisted of a sort miniature urinal and toilet complete with a bidet and a wash basin. Since the stubby pencil fitted my paws had been replaced with silver rods, I could easily push buttons when I needed to flush the toilet or draw water from the sink. A slight push with a paw started a stream of ice cold water I could lap down.


I was paid well for my lectures and soon had amassed a vast amount of money. I invested this in cattle futures and made even more. I gave half a million dollars to the Bennett’s so they could purchase a new home, and set up a trust fund for the education of Janet. I even looked up Jimmy, the boy who had first understood me and gave him money for an education.


There were drawbacks in my life, of course. I could not eat at the table at formal dinners, and, therefore, ate my meals in the privacy of my hotel room. My favorite foods were steak and eggs. Because of the leash laws in certain places, I needed to have a light line attached to my collar whenever I walked. It was I who decided where to go, however; my escorts merely followed along. Most hotels accepted me, but once in a while I was barred from certain prestigious places. One hotel manager was heard to say that a dog is only a dog whatever his intelligence. He was arrested charged with canine discrimination.


My natural urges were strong and I was provided with companionship. There was something missing, though, since communication with female dogs, while mating was minuscule. My offspring were tested to determine whether there were other dogs like me but none were ever found.


After a couple of years on the lecture circuit, I found that I had reached the end of my appetite for fame and fortune. While I had greatly enlightened the world in many fields, I began thinking of fading from the limelight and begin leading a simple dog’s life. I regretted that I had ever come out of the intelligence closet. The strain on my nerves had almost reached the breaking point. I needed a change.


One day I went to visit the Bennett’s. We chatted amiably. They spoke in English and I typed my responses on their computer. Even Pippie seemed interested in what we were saying. I caught her eye and was startled to hear, meooow, mew, mwooow, mew; mew meoooow, meoooow. Pippie had spelled cat in the Morse Code. I was astonished as a flash of understanding illuminated my brain. Pippie was a most intelligent cat, possibly the most intelligent cat in the world. I would never know. One thing I did learn, however, was that Pippie was more intelligent than I, for she had not made the same mistake I had. While I had allowed myself to be trapped with the affairs of the world, she had merely stood by and enjoyed living the life of an ordinary cat.


End the story Which spelled



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Human Dog

  • ISBN: 9781310062087
  • Author: Mario V. Farina
  • Published: 2016-04-28 01:05:07
  • Words: 2216
Human Dog Human Dog