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How to Save Your Relationship, Even if Your Partner is Stubborn

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Introduction

 

Ask any couple who’s been married for 20-plus years, and they will most likely tell you that it isn’t always easy, that it can be very difficult at times. They may have even considered divorce or separation more than once along the way. But many of these couples will probably also tell you that a happy, healthy relationship is well worth the effort.

Successful relationships take determination, sacrifice, compromise, and dedication. Add to that a healthy dose of genuine friendship, a heaping scoop of passion, and frequent sprinkles of laughter and fun, and you’ve got a winning recipe.

 

But when serious issues come up, or a crisis suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks and disrupts the harmony you once knew, you can quickly find yourself pushed to the brink of despair. The thought of losing your relationship can be gut-wrenching and even terrifying. What was once your “safe place to fall” in an otherwise crazy, chaotic world has quickly become a rocky, volatile mine field – and you find yourself tiptoeing with caution, afraid a wrong move will cause everything to come crashing down.

 

If you’ve been in a committed relationship for any length of time, chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even though you’re part of a couple, you may feel you are all alone in your quest to save your relationship, especially if your partner is stubborn and has either “checked out” emotionally or refuses to meet you at least halfway in order to work through your relationship problems.

 

If that’s the case, then both the good and bad news is that it’s all up to you. “How is that good news?” you ask. Well, it’s good news because you have more power than you realize to positively impact your relationship, and because you’re already taken that crucial first step towards getting it back on track.

 

When you change, your relationship must change in some way too, because for every action, there must be a reaction. Any change you make in yourself will force the dynamics of your relationship to change.

 

So the key to saving your relationship is learning the best actions to take to change yourself to then ensure the best chance of a good outcome for your relationship.

 

Relationship problems always involve both parties…

 

While you may be tempted to blame your partner for the problems in your relationship, the reality is that you contributed to those problems as well. You may not have intended to, and you may have done so without realizing it, but your partner didn’t create the conflict all by himself. (Note – the male pronoun will be used throughout this eBook for the sake of flow and ease of reading – it is not meant to pick on men or blame everything on them. So if you’re a man reading this eBook, please don’t take it personally! The content will work for you as well.)

 

For example, if you are married and your spouse is treating you with disrespect, you need to consider why that is. Does he treat everyone with disrespect? Or just you? Perhaps he really is a totally self-absorbed human being (which might not bode well for ever having a healthy relationship). But if he’s not, and this has been a pattern with you, then on some level you are letting him treat you that way.

 

Dr. Phil has explained this phenomenon quite well. In a nutshell, he says that “we teach people how to treat us”. If you get nothing else out of this eBook, please at least get this:

 

You have taught your partner how to treat you. Good or bad, kind or unkind, civil or abusive, you’ve taught your partner how to interact with you.

 

The beauty of this statement is that it is actually incredibly empowering. YOU taught your partner. This means you can “un-teach” him as well! It may not happen easily or overnight, but it absolutely can happen! Now, I didn’t promise that it will happen – there are some people who are simply incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship, and in those situations, you have to decide if it’s really worth staying. More on that later….

 

You just have to be willing to do the hard work. And if you’ve read this far, I trust that you’re ready to dig in and do some heavy lifting! Because to you, he’s worth it, right?

 

Before I continue, I want to make it clear that although it takes two to tango, this does not mean you are the cause of your partner’s bad behavior. He has made plenty of choices on his own and must take responsibility for them. But if you want to save your relationship, and what you’ve been doing up until now has not brought the results you desire, then let’s try some new tactics.

 

Remember, doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results is, well, insane! So it’s time to stop the crazy behavior and start fresh with a new, sane game plan!

 

Ready to stop the insanity? Keep reading….

 

And as you do, remember this concept:

 

You can’t change your partner – you can only change you!

 

Got that?

 

So if you are reading this eBook in hopes of learning how to fix, cure, makeover, redo, control, manipulate, or otherwise change your partner in ANY way, do yourself a favor and stop now! (Trust me, if I knew the secret to that, I’d be richer than Bill Gates and Warren Buffet combined!)

 

Okay, now that that’s out of the way….

How to Determine if you Should Stay or Walk Away

 

I had a young woman ask my advice just the other day about her relationship. She described a man who was treating her badly, hot one minute and cold the next. According to her, they were often fighting and it sounded as if even the smallest things set him off. Also, he had already broken up with her multiple times, only to change his mind a day or two later and tell her he’d made a mistake and wanted to see her again. And when he was with her, he’d be fine for a short while and then withdraw, telling her he needed some “alone” time.

 

She said she didn’t want to turn her back on him, that she wanted to “do the right thing”.

 

Seriously?

 

Granted, there was a bit more to the story, but everything she described pointed to a rocky, volatile, unhealthy relationship with a man who was either very immature or had some very serious issues when it came to relationships.

 

So I asked her, “Based on what you’ve just described, why do you want to be in this relationship?” Her response (which is not at all uncommon, unfortunately) was, “Because I really love him.”

 

To this I responded, “Do you love him, or do you love the person you hope he could be? In other words, do you just love his potential?”

 

I bring up this story because it raises a vital question that must be addressed before you go to all the effort of trying to save your relationship:

 

Is your relationship really worth saving?

 

Many relationships are, but you need to determine if yours really is one of them. If what this woman described was accurate, it sounded like a relationship that rated very low on the “worth saving” scale. I would give it a “1” on a 1 to 10 scale, with 10 being “absolutely, positively, no doubt about it, cross-my-heart-hope-to-die” worth saving. (Okay, that’s a bit dramatic but it gets the point across!)

 

The following are a list of scenarios that are either serious red flags or huge yellow flags in terms of relationships that really might NOT be worth saving. If any of these describe yours, then you may be better off investing your energy elsewhere, because honestly, as much as it may be painful to end it, staying is likely going to be far more painful in the long run:

 

1. Your partner has cheated on you several times, or is engaged in an ongoing affair and refuses to put an end to it.

 

Cheating on your partner is destructive to a relationship no matter how you slice it. While “once a cheater always a cheater” isn’t always true, there is no truly good excuse for having an affair. Don’t get me wrong here. Infidelity doesn’t have to be an automatic reason to walk away. Many couples not only survive an affair, but end up with a stronger relationship than ever.

 

But if your partner has a long history of being unfaithful, and/or doesn’t show any real interest in changing, then he is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful to you. Not only does this damage or destroy any trust you might have had in him, but you could also be putting your physical health at risk if you stay in the relationship and your partner if sleeping around.

 

2. Your partner is abusing you. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical violence. It can also entail verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse. Abuse should never be tolerated and, particularly in the case of physical or sexual abuse, it could have a tragic outcome. Many people, women in particular, die at the hands of abusive partners every day! Get out now before that becomes you.

 

If you are tolerating ongoing abuse of any kind, then I strongly recommend you seek professional help (in addition to leaving and finding a safe place, even if it means a shelter if the abuse is violent) and find out why you have been tolerating it. Clearly, if you continue to let it happen, the message you give your partner is that you deserve such treatment and don’t deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

 

3. You are in a relationship with an addict. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or pornography, addictive behavior is very destructive to any relationship. The bottom line is this – you will never be a priority to someone with an addiction. The object of their addiction is their real “partner”, and until they get help, it’s highly unlikely that will ever change.

 

4. Your partner lies all the time. Trust and honesty are vital to a healthy, happy relationship, and they simply cannot exist if you are involved with someone who often lies.

 

5. Your partner often treats you with disrespect or has no regard for your feelings or input. Mutual respect is essential for a healthy relationship. If you stay, you will likely end up with a very damaged self-esteem and a lot of resentment and anger. No matter how much you may love your partner, you are not being loved in return in this situation.

 

6. Your partner has a pattern of being irresponsible. His behavior may have serious consequences for your relationship, and it may never be fulfilling or happy as a result.

 

7. There is constant fighting. All couples fight on occasion. That’s normal. But constant fighting is not, and it’s also destructive and very stressful. And if there are children in the picture, it is very damaging to their emotional well-being as well. While .couples therapy may help, this might be a relationship that will never work.

 

If any of these describe you, you need to think long and hard about the cost of trying to save your relationship. No matter how much you love your partner, these types of situations often don’t have a good prognosis. Granted, with a serious commitment to appropriate treatment and/or professional help, there may be a future. But the odds are not in your favor, and the price you pay in the meantime may be severe.

 

That being said, if your relationship, troubled as it is, doesn’t fit any of these scenarios, keep on reading. If your partner is reasonably emotionally healthy and stable (and you are as well), then keep on reading for the actions you can take to save your relationship (even if your partner is ridiculously stubborn!).

 

Speaking of stubborn partners…..

 

How to Deal with a Stubborn Partner

 

Subtle segue, eh?

 

One of the reasons you are looking for ways to save your relationship may be because you are dealing with a very stubborn partner. Granted, we all can be stubborn at times – after all, it’s human nature to want to hold on to and protect the things (whether values, ideas, notions, etc.) to which we have a strong emotional attachment.

 

And it’s that attachment (and often the fear of losing it) that is at the core of stubborn behavior.

 

Being married to or living with a stubborn person can really challenge your patience. This is particularly true should conflict arise. No doubt you often feel like hitting your head against a brick wall or tearing your hair out. Your partner is most likely an expert at unwavering (and very irritating!) resistance when you want something from him, whether it’s to consider a different perspective or to do something for you.

 

And if the thing you really want him to do is change, heaven help you!!

 

But don’t throw in the towel just yet. There are effective ways to deal with a stubborn partner. It doesn’t have to turn into such a power struggle that you finally give up or give in. In fact, those two approaches will only serve to reinforce your partner’s stubbornness.

 

Instead, you must change your approach….

And here are some tips to help you do that:

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Avoid power struggles at all costs. You won’t win, and you will end up exhausted, exasperated, and infuriated. It’s not worth the stress.

Remember the old saying in this situation: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. Okay, it fits only loosely but the basic concept is still the same.

You must find something to agree on or some common ground. This is hard to do when your partner’s stubbornness makes you want to push him to talk or defend your stance more than ever. When you feel that urge, it’s time to stop, back up, and take a deep breath.

*
p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Rather than become more polarized, try to understand your partner’s point of view. It probably does have at least some validity to it. Find any points (no matter how miniscule) on which you both agree, and acknowledge them. This will likely help your partner realize that this doesn’t have to be a battle. And as a result, he may relax a bit and be more open to working with you instead of resisting.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Talk openly about how you feel. Your partner can’t read your mind, and he may be tuning you out or resisting your requests because what you really want is not clear to him. Learn to verbalize your feelings in “I” statements.

For example, rather than getting angry at him for constantly leaving his dirty clothes strewn all over the bedroom when he gets ready for bed, say something like, “I feel disrespected and unappreciated when you do that. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and would be so very grateful if you would help lighten my load and put your clothes in the laundry basket rather than leaving them on the floor. Be sure to say it calmly and gently, without begging or pleading.

Since he was expecting an attack, this approach will likely disarm him. Don’t repeat yourself, or you will defeat any progress you just made. Sit back and listen to his response. If he remains silent, ask him to share his thoughts so you can better understand him.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Never attack or blame. This will only reinforce his stubborn attitude.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Give him some space after you’ve let him know how you feel. Sometimes it takes a little time to sink in, or perhaps he doesn’t immediately have a response. Patience is important, as impatience only fuels the stubbornness.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. When he does respond, ask questions to gain clarification and to show that you value his thoughts and feelings, and genuinely want to understand where he is coming from. Listen! Don’t interrupt.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Don’t be confrontational or antagonistic. Again, you will only reinforce his stubbornness. You must make the interaction feel “safe” (i.e., non-volatile) for him, so he will be more willing to participate rather than retreat or put up walls.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. Don’t nag – ever! It will never get you the real results you desire, because even if your partner finally gives in to your nagging, he will resent you.

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p<>{color:#000;background:#fff;}. After your partner has told you his point of view, ask him to listen to yours as well – relationships are give and take. Let him know you would like (actually you deserve it, but if you use that word it will probably backfire on you) him to listen to you as well. And proceed calmly!

If all else fails and your stubborn partner is simply not willing to bend (or if you are having a difficult time following these tips without getting angry or frustrated) then consider couples therapy (or therapy for you alone if your stubborn partner won’t go with you). A trained professional can help you see what’s not working and help you find ways to be more effective.

How to Get Your “Silent” Partner to Open Up

Communication problems are almost always a contributing factor in a troubled relationship. In many cases, one partner desperately wants to talk and work things out, but the other is either unwilling or, in some cases, doesn’t really know how. Unfortunately, without open communication, it is very difficult to get a relationship back on track.

Hollywood has often glorified the image of the “strong, silent type” of man, or the “mysterious, alluring woman”. Sadly, as appealing as they may seem on a movie screen, in real life they are hardly ever ideal relationship partners. I know, because my father was the strong, silent type. And it drove my mother crazy. Although they stayed together until the end, their relationship was often fraught with silent tension and festering frustration.

To their credit, in their later years they actually did begin to communicate much better. Perhaps it was due to a mellowing that came with age for my father, combined with my mother nearly dying at one point. For him, that seemed to be a much needed wake-up call.

But rather than wait for a wake-up call (or until it’s too late altogether), let’s discuss some things you can do to increase the likeliness of your partner opening up. Sometimes a slight change in approach can be the key… and the walls of silence begin to crumble.

First, however, let’s take a brief look at what you may be doing that doesn’t work, and in fact may be contributing to the situation:

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Nagging. Nagging is about as effective as throwing gasoline on a fire. It makes things exponentially worse. If you are nagging your partner in an attempt to get him to talk to you, he will resent you. If nagging is your approach, you must stop it immediately!

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Begging and pleading. These work about as well as nagging – in other words, not at all! By doing so you demean yourself and lose your partner’s respect.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Getting angry or upset. If crying, yelling, or throwing tantrums is your style, you’re not too likely to get anywhere, and your partner will not respect you.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Being critical or complaining. Criticizing your partner or complaining that he never talks will only make him more inclined to keep his mouth shut, and keep his thoughts and feelings to himself. He may be thinking, “Why bother -- I can’t win no matter what I say!”

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Pressuring or making demands. Again, these just reinforce his resistance.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Interrupting him when he does speak. When you interrupt someone, you are essentially saying, “I don’t care to listen to what you’re saying, but I insist you hear me because what I’m saying is more important”. Is that really the message you want to send?

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Ultimatums or threats. Threatening to leave or giving any kind of ultimatum will make you look desperate and/or manipulative. It doesn’t work. Don’t do it! Enough said!

 

Tactics that do work…

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Share your feelings openly and honestly….and calmly. Perhaps you aren’t really opening up either. Maybe you’re so frustrated or scared that you’ve been withdrawn or holding back as well. Set the example by letting your partner know how much you want to make the relationship work and would really like to know what’s going on in his head and his heart.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t push. Impatience will not get you the open conversation you are hoping for. When you are talking to him, allow him plenty of time to actually respond. It may be that truly opening up is not easy for him and he needs a few moments (or several moments) to formulate his thoughts and express himself. He may be trying to avoid a heated interaction he assumes will occur if he does open up. Don’t prove him right on this one!

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Select an appropriate place and time to talk. Don’t put your partner on the spot to open up when you have no privacy or when other pressing matters are at hand. If the children are screaming, or he’s hungry or tired, or he needs to go somewhere shortly, a conversation may have to wait until you’re both more relaxed and less distracted.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. When he finally does open up, be sure to listen carefully! If you’re not a good listener, why should he open up to you? If you tend to interrupt, over-react, or become critical or defensive, he may simply feel it is not worth the effort. Perhaps he doesn’t have the energy to deal with an ugly interaction. It may take him awhile to see that you are genuinely interested and that the conversation won’t go to hell in a hand basket within the first few minutes.

 

How to Resolve Conflict Effectively

 

Every relationship has conflict. You simply can’t put two human beings together for an extended period of time, let alone several years, and never have any conflict develop. Unfortunately, many couples simply don’t know how to handle conflict and resolve it effectively when it does occur. Without those skills, your relationship is going to continue being a struggle for both of you.

 

Unresolved conflict is like a cut on your finger that becomes infected. Even if it starts out very small, it can quickly become very painful and cause a lot of distress. Cleaning out the wound may be painful initially, but it is necessary if the wound is ever going to heal.

 

Unresolved conflict is very destructive and may ultimately destroy your relationship. But if you learn to make a few changes in your approach, you will resolve conflict in your relationship much more quickly and smoothly.

 

Keep in mind that if you are fighting, you must fight fair. Fighting dirty is akin to sucker punching your partner. It’s going to make him angry and he may retaliate (or withdraw) in response. If it’s difficult for the two of you to talk without it escalating to a fight, set some ground rules to which you both must agree. Then stick to them! It won’t be easy, but it will make a world of difference in your relationship!

 

Here are some guidelines to help you (some have been mentioned previously, but they are worth repeating):

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Stay calm. ALWAYS. This is not going to be easy but is one of the most important things you can do when trying to resolve a conflict that is plaguing your relationship. When your partner is hurtful or angry, if you stay calm, you may disarm him and he will be more likely to retreat. It will also help keep your conversation from escalating (because it takes two for that to happen!).

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Really listen to what your partner is saying, as well as what he is communicating non-verbally as well. If he is particularly angry, chances are he just really wants you to hear him. If you haven’t done that in the past, now is the time to start. Let him finish before you respond.

 

Truly listening is a way of showing both courtesy and respect. You may have been impatient to respond or defensive and reactive – waiting to jump in edgewise rather than really paying attention.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Never interrupt or attempt to talk over your partner. I know I’ve said this before a couple of times, but I can’t stress it enough. This is a great way to infuriate him, as it is very disrespectful and clearly conveys the message you think your words are more important than his. Also, it is very rude behavior.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t dredge up past hurts or wrongs. Leave the past in the past. Bringing it up again is never productive and will only widen the rift between you. It also gives the impression that you are keeping score. And it will almost inevitably put your partner on the defensive.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Work out your conflicts in private. When you confront your partner or try to discuss relationship matters, doing it when others are around will not only be very uncomfortable, it may make your partner feel like you’ve set him up. Give both your partner and others the courtesy of keeping these matters between the two of you.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t engage in childish fighting. Name calling, bullying, or pulling in friends to take your side, for example, are behaviors that at best belong on a grade school playground, not in an adult relationship.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Take ownership of your role in the conflict. Blaming everything on your partner will get you nowhere (except perhaps alone).

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t take the stance that your partner is wrong and you are right. Being right is highly overrated, and the need to always be right will make you a very undesirable relationship partner. Strive for understanding, mutual resolution, and kindness instead.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Always try to find the grain of truth (even if seems very tiny) in anything your partner says. He most likely is not totally to blame, and therefore probably has some valid points. Listen for them and acknowledge your agreement.

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t use extreme words such as “always” or “never” to describe any of your partner’s behaviors. Not only are these highly unlikely to be true, they will tap into your partner’s desire to stop opening up.

It takes two to tango and you both need to take ownership of your part in the conflict.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you may want to discuss these guidelines with your partner and ask him if he agrees that they are reasonable. If he does, ask him if he will commit to following them whenever you have a potentially heated conversation.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust is a very critical element if your relationship is going to survive and thrive. Without it, neither partner will feel secure or happy. And if it has been damaged it will be impossible for your partner to be his authentic/real self, open up, or be truly intimate with you.

Trust is both powerful and very fragile. It takes very little for it to be seriously damaged or destroyed within a relationship. Trust killers include things such as infidelity, secrecy, controlling or manipulative behavior, irresponsibility, lying, or not following through on what you say you will do.

Infidelity is one of the biggest trust killers for couples. Once it occurs, getting back on track is very difficult. It’s not impossible, though, and many couples are able to get past it and move forward. But affairs can leave permanent scars that never fully heal. And if the relationship ends, an affair often makes it very difficult for the non-offending partner to trust a new partner in the future.

Following are some tips to help you heal damaged trust in your relationship:

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p<>{color:#000;}. If you are the one who has done something to break the trust in your relationship, you must take full responsibility for your behavior. Don’t try to blame your partner or make excuses for your behavior. Taking responsibility shows your partner that you are serious and truly value the relationship.

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t repeat the behavior that damaged the trust. Period. A second chance is a gift; don’t expect a third one!

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p<>{color:#000;}. Be open and honest with your feelings about the relationship. If you beat around the bush or give the impression you are hiding something or being less than honest, your partner is unlikely to trust anything you say.

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p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t blame your partner for any relationship problems you may have. This will not regain your partner’s trust.

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p<>{color:#000;}. If you damaged or destroyed the trust in your relationship because you had an affair, you must be willing to cease any and all contact with your ex-lover and stay clear of situations that would give your partner any reason to be suspicious (e.g., taking phone calls in private, going on business trips with male coworkers, etc). If you can’t avoid this contact (e.g. the person is a neighbor, co-worker, etc.) then keep it minimal and stick to business. Avoid compromising situations at all costs!

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p<>{color:#000;}. Be open to your partner’s need to check up on you from time to time. If you react to this or get angry, you will only give your partner more reason to not trust you.

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p<>{color:#000;}. Be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your partner’s trust. This may include getting professional help if you and your partner feel strongly that it is necessary.

With time and a lot of work, trust can be restored to a relationship. It may be a long road, so you need to be patient.

 

Dealing with a Sexless Relationship

 

If one of the issues plaguing your relationship is a lack of sexual intimacy (or any intimacy, for that matter), you certainly aren’t alone. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which sexual intimacy occurs no more than 10 times a year. Surveys suggest that as many as 20 million couples in the USA are living in a sexless marriage. That number doesn’t even include all the other committed relationships in which the couples are not married. Those are truly staggering numbers! No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

 

If this is your situation, you definitely have reason to be concerned, as this can leave your relationship extremely vulnerable, especially to infidelity. While both men and women have affairs, men in particular use sexual intimacy as one of the primary ways they express love to their significant other. (If it is not happening at home with you, he may very well look elsewhere!) Sex is also an important way for both of you to feel connected to each other. That’s why this part of your relationship should never be ignored or its importance underestimated!

 

When sexual intimacy is missing, one or both of you may feel anger, neglect, resentment, frustration, loneliness, or sadness, to name a few negative emotions. Those are powerful emotions that can be very destructive to a relationship.

 

There are many reasons this situation develops with a couple. For men, some of the more common reasons include a partner who:

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Doesn’t enjoy sex

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p<>{color:#000;}. Isn’t sexually adventurous or spontaneous

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p<>{color:#000;}. Is no longer attractive to him and/or has put on a lot of weight

 

Other reasons for the man include:

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Impotence problems

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p<>{color:#000;}. Feeling bored in the relationship

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p<>{color:#000;}. Being in an affair

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p<>{color:#000;}. Stress or exhaustion

 

For women, the reasons may include:

 

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p<>{color:#000;}. Feeling as if she is merely an object to her partner

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p<>{color:#000;}. Feeling pressured to engage in sexual activities she doesn’t enjoy or isn’t comfortable with

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p<>{color:#000;}. No longer feeling attracted to her partner (Putting on a lot of extra weight works both ways!)

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p<>{color:#000;}. Depression

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p<>{color:#000;}. Problems having an orgasm

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p<>{color:#000;}. Feeling angry at her partner

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p<>{color:#000;}. Exhaustion

 

One of the first things you need to do in order to bring sexual intimacy back into your relationship is to determine the real reason it isn’t there at the moment. This requires open, honest communication. If one or both of you ignore it or deny it, it will only get worse.

 

Once you determine the underlying problem, you must devise a plan of action to reignite your sexual relationship. It needs to be agreeable to both of you, and some compromise from both of you may be necessary.

 

It is crucial that any negative emotions affecting your relationship are dealt with. It is difficult to want to be intimate with your partner if you feel anger or resentment towards him. Again, those issues must be dealt with via open, honest communication. If you continue to get stuck or are unable to resolve (or determine) the underlying issue, couples therapy may be a necessary route to consider.

 

Reigniting the Spark

 

Sometimes a lack of sexual intimacy or affection is primarily due to a lack of passion in your relationship. Once you get that back, you will likely find that your sex life steadily (or even quickly) gets back on track.

 

It’s not uncommon for couples who have been together for many years to feel as if they have “fallen out of love” with each other. One or both of you may feel that the attraction has died as well. If you have neglected to take care of yourself physically, it can be a serious turnoff to your mate (and vice-versa). While you may defensively say that your partner is shallow to care about superficial things, you need to accept the fact that physical attractiveness does matter to some degree.

 

If you are a woman who has gained 50 to 100 pounds since you first started dating your partner, do you really expect him to get turned on by your body? Would you be aroused by him if he were twice the size he was when you first got married? Probably not, in either case. Yet many people get offended when it is suggested that the fact that they let themselves go may be a significant part of the problem.

 

Also, if you have neglected your physical appearance, it is likely that your self-esteem, as well as your energy level, have plummeted as a result. You may be less enthusiastic and self-confident in bed, two traits which are usually very attractive to both men and women. So if those traits are lacking, it can be a turnoff to your partner.

 

If you truly want to bring back the flame of passion that was so wonderful and exciting when you first got together, you need to consider what you can do to make yourself more attractive to your partner again. This doesn’t mean you have to have cosmetic surgery or starve yourself until you look like a Victoria’s Secret supermodel. But getting back to a healthy weight, firming up your muscles, and dressing in clothes that flatter you rather than spending all your time wearing baggy clothes or sweats can go a long way towards getting your partner’s attention again.

 

In addition to physical appearance, finding something to be passionate and enthusiastic about, exercising more so you have more energy, and being a happier person (rather than an angry, unhappy partner) will make you much more attractive as well!

 

There are many other things you can do to reignite the passion in your relationship as well:

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. Start flirting again. Let your partner know you think he’s hot. Leave him playful notes in his briefcase or via text messages to let him know you’re thinking of him and how you’d like to “please” him when he gets home. Anticipation is a significant part of the excitement. Remember how excited you felt when you were first together and you couldn’t wait to be intimate?

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. Make a date night as often as possible. Couples often forget how to date after they’ve been together for a long time. This is especially a problem for couples who have children and never take any time to be alone as a couple, away from the kids.

 

If you think this is selfish, neglectful, or self-indulgent, you couldn’t be more wrong! One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy and happy relationship with your partner! Not only does this make the home environment a happier place for them, it also shows them a healthy example of a loving relationship. When your children grow up they will tend to emulate your relationship in their own. Don’t you want them to have happy, healthy relationships when they grow up?

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. Take your partner to an adult store and have fun choosing some toys. While it may seem silly at first, don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone just a little to liven up your sex life. Maybe merely buying some exotic massage oil or sexy lingerie will do it. It doesn’t have to be anything bizarre or kinky. Have fun with it. Along these same lines, don’t be afraid to try a new sexual position or sensual massage. Trying something new creates a feeling of adventure that may have been missing in your relationship for a very long time.

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. Another way you can reignite the passion is to bring romance back into your relationship. When was the last time you did something truly romantic for your partner? Sadly, you may be taking your partner for granted. You may also believe the myth that romance is not important. Well, it is. Not only is it fun, it is a way of showing your partner that you love and appreciate him.

 

While traditional romantic gestures such as gifts and candlelight dinners still have their place, you may be surprised what your partner would consider “romantic”. Some women feel that one of the most romantic things their husband could do is take the children out for pizza or a movie for a couple of hours so she can take a bubble bath and just relax in peace and quiet. Romance can really entail anything that shows your partner how special he is to you. Do those romantic gestures frequently!

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. Don’t forget to show affection outside of the bedroom. When you and your partner were first together, you probably held hands every chance you got, kissed frequently, and put your arms around each other. How often do you do any of that now?

 

Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication. Don’t neglect it with your partner. Hug each other more often. Hold hands. Kiss often. Again, these displays of affection not only bring you closer to each other, they reassure your children, if they are still at home, that your relationship is happy and secure. Kids pick up on negative vibes and often blame themselves when their parents split up. Don’t be afraid to show genuine affection in front of them. You, your partner, and your children will all benefit as a result!

 

*
p<>{color:#000;}. One last thing: If you or your partner have any medical or physical issues that are interfering with your love life, don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor. Health issues can wreak havoc with a person’s libido, energy level, and ability to perform sexually. Women who are going through or have gone through menopause may be experiencing hormonal issues that can significantly impact their self-esteem, body image, and sexual enjoyment. Men can also develop problems with impotence and other physical problems that affect them sexually as they get older.

 

Don’t accept that this is “just part of getting older” and let your love life suffer as a result. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and your relationship to look into remedies or other options that will allow you to continue having a gratifying and active sex life.

 

 

Warning Signs and How to Remedy Them

 

Many people have blind spots when it comes to their relationships. If you want to save your relationship and keep it from becoming vulnerable to infidelity, a breakup, or divorce, pay close attention to these potential relationship killers:

 

Taking your relationship or your partner for granted

 

It’s far too easy to take people or things for granted when they are part of our life on a regular basis. But if you do this with your relationship, you may get a rude wake-up call when he’s no longer in your life one day. Make it a point to express gratitude and appreciation for your partner on a daily basis. Don’t ever let the words “I love you” disappear from your vocabulary. If you become lazy in your relationship, it may atrophy and die.

 

Remind yourself often of all the things you value about your partner and your relationship. Gratitude is a powerful thing. Your partner will be much more likely to reciprocate and stay faithful if he feels significant, special, cherished and truly loved by you. Don’t give your partner any reason to look for appreciation elsewhere.

 

Neglecting your partner’s needs

 

Relationships develop because they fulfill needs for both parties. Part of your responsibility as a partner is to make sure you aren’t ignoring or neglecting your significant other’s needs. This is not to say you are responsible for meeting all of his needs, but fulfill the ones you can, and ask your partner to let you know if he feels neglected at any point. If you don’t, your partner may look elsewhere for fulfillment.

 

Lack of sexual intimacy

 

As addressed earlier in the section on sexless relationships, sexual intimacy plays a powerful and important role in your relationship. If sex is becoming less and less frequent, be proactive and talk to your partner. Communication is vital if your sex life is to thrive and be fulfilling for both of you.

 

Lack of open, honest communication

 

Communication problems can slowly tear apart any relationship. Keep the lines of communication open and healthy with your partner at all times. Don’t allow anger, bitterness or resentment to fester and grow. And be willing to listen when your partner needs to talk to you. If you struggle with communication, consider seeing a therapist to help you find ways to open up and communicate more effectively. This is one of the most important things you can do to keep your marriage healthy and happy.

 

Not making time for your partner

 

Not making time for your partner is a form of neglect. You owe it to your relationship to make time for each other. No matter how busy your schedule, you must find time to spend some alone time with your partner regularly. (Sleeping together doesn’t count as “alone time”).

 

You need to make time outside of the bedroom that includes time for conversation as well as fun and relaxation. Remember, we make time for the things that we truly value. If time with your partner isn’t on that list, it’s time to re-prioritize!

 

Thinking that your relationship is invulnerable

 

If you think your relationship is immune to serious problems such as infidelity, it’s time you do a reality check. NO relationship is completely invulnerable. Far too many people have naively convinced themselves that “my partner would never do something like that”, only to eat those words at a later date.

 

This isn’t to make you paranoid, but is rather a caution to keep your eyes open and pay attention to what’s going on in your relationship. If you don’t, you may end up blindsided and devastated like so many men and women who think they have a wonderful relationship one minute, only to find out they couldn’t be more wrong the next. By accepting the possibility, you are more likely to heed any warning signs before it’s too late.

 

Putting your career ahead of your relationship

 

If you are merely dating, it makes sense that you might sometimes put your career ahead of your relationship. But if you are married or in a serious, committed relationship, you are jeopardizing your relationship if you put your career first. This includes being a workaholic and neglecting to spend time with your partner. If you want your relationship to be a long-lasting one, it’s not likely to happen if your partner must constantly take a back seat to your career.

 

Granted, early on in a budding career your job may require long hours. Of course, there are times when sacrifices must be made. If your career must be first for awhile in order for you to be able to advance at some point, then make sure the limited time you spend with your partner is quality time. But remember, if you continue to put your career first over the course of several years, or become a workaholic, your partner may begin to resent you, and either leave altogether or become unfaithful.

 

The Importance of Realistic Expectations

 

We are conditioned from early childhood to believe in a knight in shining armor and a beautiful (and flawless) princess riding off into the sunset together to live happily ever after. As we grow older, Hollywood continues to bombard us with images of gorgeous starlets and hunky heartthrobs with perfect lives. It’s no wonder so many people get caught up in the idealistic idea of a perfect relationship in which the worst problem is a clogged drain.

 

While I realize this is an exaggeration, it hopefully makes a point. Many relationship problems stem from unrealistic expectations. Part of being in a mature relationship is to recognize from the get go that your partner is human and has flaws, as do you.

 

There is going to be conflict at times. Your partner cannot read your mind. Your relationship won’t always be filled with romantic bliss and candlelight dinners. And that wonderful, “I’m so in love” feeling will wax and wane – but hopefully over time it will be replaced with a more mature, stable love that is strong and secure.

 

Having realistic expectations is a key component of a healthy, happy relationship. But don’t get me wrong – they are not to be confused with settling for a mediocre relationship, or tolerating bad behavior from your partner. Having realistic expectations does mean that you don’t expect your partner to be your sole source of happiness or to meet all of your needs.

 

A great relationship can bring much joy, but your happiness needs to come from within you and not be dependent on your partner. You can’t rely on any person to “make you happy”. You need to find many different ways to get your needs met. That’s why it’s important that you work to develop a healthy self-esteem, develop close relationships with family and friends, and have activities and hobbies outside of your relationship that are fulfilling and gratifying.

 

By doing this, you take the pressure off your partner to be your “everything” (which is an impossible burden to bear). That pressure can quickly stifle a relationship and will ultimately kill it – or at best make it miserable for both of you. When it’s no longer there, your relationship can thrive and grow to reach its true potential.

 

If your relationship is in trouble, take some time to consider if any of the problems may be due to naïve, unrealistic expectations. If you’re not sure, talk to a trusted friend or family member (preferably someone who has a healthy relationship and a bit more experience), or a therapist. The sooner you let go of unrealistic expectations, the sooner your relationship can get back on track.

 

When to Seek Professional Help

 

While there is nothing magical about couples therapy (or individual therapy), if your marriage is in a severe state of crisis or all of your efforts to get things back on track have failed, you may want to consider couples therapy. As mentioned earlier, if your partner won’t go with you, you can still benefit from talking to a trained therapist on your own – preferably someone who specializes in marriage therapy or couples counseling.

 

Unlike family or friends, as wonderful as they may be, a therapist doesn’t know you or your partner and doesn’t have a bias regarding your relationship. Your therapist can help you look at things from different perspectives, gain clarity, and have a better understanding of the dynamics that may be sabotaging your relationship.

 

With your therapist, you can practice new skills and come up with a game plan to help get your relationship back on track. A skilled therapist can also help you become aware of deeper issues, often from childhood, of which you might not be aware. As you gain a better understanding and awareness of your own issues, you will be better equipped to start making healthier choices and decisions in your relationship.

 

What You Deserve

 

Your relationship is a serious investment and, unless it fits one of the “red flag” categories discussed earlier (and even those at times do improve, although the odds are not in your favor), there is plenty of reason for hope.

 

If you are determined and willing to make the necessary changes, your relationship will have a much better chance of surviving any crisis you may have and of becoming stronger as a result. But again, YOU are the one who must make some changes. Don’t wait for (or expect) your partner to. And if it still ends (and hopefully it won’t) you will have gained invaluable insights, skills, and greater wisdom and maturity that you can bring into your next relationship.

 

Always remember, _*you are a valuable, worthwhile human being who deserves to be happy and loved._ The more you believe this about yourself, the more likely it is that you *will have a happy, fulfilling relationship! Don’t ever forget that!

 

Important videos for you to watch ASAP

 

How to text your ex back
If your relationship is really on the rocks, then you might be surprised to learn that text messaging could hold the power to a re-invigorated relationship. This free video shows you how to actually text the spark back into a dying or dead relationship.

http://www.helptherelationship.com/go/txtyourex

 

How to save your marriage
This free video provides you with reliable and foolproof techniques for saving a flagging marriage. Pay close attention, because what you’re about to learn in this video will take your marriage from sour to superb.

[* http://www.helptherelationship.com/go/savethemarriage*]

 

Creating your dream marriage

[* http://www.helptherelationship.com/go/createdreammarriage*]

 

[How to text the romance and spark back into your relationship:
**]http://www.helptherelationship.com/go/txtromance

 

Thanks so much for reading and I really wish you all the best with saving your relationship or marriage.

 

 

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How to Save Your Relationship, Even if Your Partner is Stubborn

- How to get past the "silent" treatment and facilitate open, honest communication from your partner. - How to set realistic expectations in your relationship, and why this is so important for your future happiness. - The one big thing that can make reconciliation harder, and simple steps to solve this problem. - How to think about trust and the world that you and your partner live in - what do you both need to make this work? - The root of all disagreements in a relationship, and the "secret weapon" you can use to help put it in perspective.

  • Author: Paul Clooney
  • Published: 2016-09-07 21:35:10
  • Words: 8409
How to Save Your Relationship, Even if Your Partner is Stubborn How to Save Your Relationship, Even if Your Partner is Stubborn