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Hilarious Quotes by Robert Mugabe



“What is the problem? We now have planes which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors”

“I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then he saw himself in the mirror & thought… “Wait, this looks nice.””

“I am termed dictator because I rejected the supremacist view and frustrated the neo colonialists”

“If Mr. Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country, he must come here so that I marry him first”


“The similarities between a woman and alcohol is that they both have the amazing qualities of giving pleasure at night and a headache in the morning.”

“When you see a poor man driving a Mercedes Benz, you know it is second hand and the mileage is really high. Likewise, if you see a poor man marrying a beautiful woman!”

“It’s ok for a man to be stingy about his money because he worked for it, but why would a woman deny you a hole she didn’t drill?”

“Good afternoon to all the ladies, as for you guys i’m sure you’re man enough to greet yourselves”

“Being ugly is so unfair that when a good looking person farts, you become the prime suspect at once”

“In every inbox of a pretty lady there is a guy wasting his time”

“Everything happens for a reason, except removing eyebrows and drawing them back”

“Fat girls will be like: ‘I don’t like picmix’
Ahh my sister we all know that you don’t fit in the frame”

“Classy girls don’t have any tattoos because no one can intentionally scratch a benz or a private jet.

If you have tattoos, you are probably a lorry”

“Dear ladies, If your boyfriend didn’t wish you a happy mother’s day or sing sweet mother for you, you should stop breastfeeding him”

“Call me old fashioned but i like girls with eyebrows made of hair”

“I stopped trusting ladies when my Class 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror”

“If someone you dont love tell you “I love you” and expects you to say the same and you do not want to lie. Don’t worry my sister, Just say, “I love youtube”, but say it very fast.”

“Those girls that remain at their boyfriend’s house when he goes for work!
What plans do you have for your future?”

“You girls need to understand that not every guy’s surposed to own a car”

“My dear ladies, please don’t buy a selfie stick when your armpit itself needs a shaving stick”

“If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty”


“If you want your friendship to last with someone, don’t ever lend them money!”

“Nowadays, boys don’t do hit and run. They will hit, hit, hit and hit again. My Sister, you’ll have to run away yourself”

“My sister if your boyfriend’s friends hit on you, its because they know he’s not serious about you”

“Dating many girls is just a way of confusing your enemies from attacking your main girl. But ladies will not understand this strategy”

“Dating a girl with a big head is not a problem, the problem is when she wants to lie on your chest”

“It’s only in Woli where a girl will borrow clothes from a friend to go and visit a boyfriend, who has borrowed a room from a friend to have sex”

“Let me tell you, social media does not ruin relationships, but acting single on it does”

“My sister don’t be too proud because there shall come a day your father will exchange you with cows. Please sit down and be humble”

“If your girlfriend laughs at another guys joke, write down that joke, say it a month later. My brother if she doesn’t laugh she is cheating”

“A man who arouses the feeling of a woman then abandons her is like a dog that chases a vehicle ,stops when the car stops but doesn’t do anything”

“Dear ladies, when you buy and wear high heels for the first time,practice first!
Otherwise you will walk like a one day old calf!”

“You wont date a man who is staying with his mother, but you date a man who is staying with his wife, what’s wrong with you”

“5000 people follow you on Facebook. 3000 people follow you on Twitter. 4000 people follow you on Instagram. 7000 people follow you on Snap chat yet no man wants to follow you to your Father’s house?
My sister check your settings”

“So your boyfriend uses a samsung phone, Huawei charger,Tecno power bank and nokia earphones and you expect him to be faithful to your relationship?”

“When your girlfriend says we need to talk and she start with words like “you know I love you “ My man just start crying”

“After sex, you gotta text her and ask if she enjoyed it. keep her reply as receipt because rape accusation can emerge at any time”

“Breakups must be common in China….you see her face everywhere you go”

“Sometimes you just gotta give your girlfriend a deep kiss in front of the guy she calls a friend, just for ‘clarity’”

“My brothers, when your crush says, I’m going to bed, she clearly means ‘I don’t want to text you anymore’”

“Living in a ghetto is so hard.. Even when your favourite team scores, you don’t scream because the thieves will know that you have a TV…”

“If action speaks louder than words, then why do we learn English instead of Kungfu?”

“Starting a new relationship is not a problem at all.. the problem is that you have to learn how to fart silently again..”

“You can have sex on the 1st date & he ends up loving you till the day after forever. You can also wait for 5yrs before having sex with him & get dumped after sex. You can even wait till after marriage and he may divorce you after sex.. Just pray for a heart that will love you, there is no manual to keep a Man”

“Did you know that before she puts you as her profile pic, some people are blocked?

.. temporarily?”

“I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,
“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…”
Then I said, “turn Left””

“If you break her heart and she kills herself,marry her my brother. She’s wife material”

“Dear Guys..

No woman will buy a Brazilian weave, do her nails and buy expensive make up just to attract one man. Be guided accordingly”

“Some girls can’t even jog for 2 minutes but they expect a man to last 30minutes in bed”

“Your job as a man is to make sure she doesn’t need another man”

“You are busy blaming your boyfriend for being broke.. My sister, please relax, chances are, if he had money he wouldn’t be dating you”

“A baby is never a surprise or mistake. You had sex without a condom what else did you expect? Samsung S8 or iphone 7?”

“My sister listen carefully.

3-5 year relationship without No ring, No engagement only means one thing….. You are good enough to be his GIRLFRIEND….but NOT good enough to be his WIFE….”

“My friend you won’t know the importance of algebra until your sweetheart calls you X and you don’t know Y”

“Witchcraft is when you go to a random wedding for free food and boom,the bride is your girlfriend”

“My sister, you expect your boyfriend to be rich in his 20s , while your father is still broke in his 60’s?”

“Your boyfriend has got no job and he keeps saying “I will hold you down” My sister, with what?? Gravity”

“Words you’ll never hear from a guy … “Sorry I’m in a relationship””

I love my Nigerian friends, they always threaten with riddles: “The chicken that crows in the morning, is silent in the evening stew”

“Nobody has many cousins and uncles than a cheating girlfriend”

“I wish Ladies could hold secrets the way they hold their stomachs in, while taking photos”

“Nothing is sweeter than when you notice you failed in exam and then your best friend also failed …..

We all do it…..”

“Some girls are busy putting their boyfriends on their profiles like there are promoting a new brand..whilst their boyfriends are busy hiding them like a payslip”

“Using a condom is a sign that you are having sex with a person you’re not supposed to be having sex with. Case closed!”

“Told someone that i’m not feeling well today, and they texted me later saying “ I see you online how can you be sick?”
My friend what kind of sickness do you wish upon me?”

“If you think cheating hurts your girl, let her find out that you gave that girl some money”

“My brothers don’t get worried, the reason why some ladies don’t answer video calls after 21:30 is because their faces
Are back on factory settings”

“Some girls weigh 50 kg after bathing and 70 kg after putting on their make up”

“Ladies being single ends at 25. You can't be 26+ and you are talking of being single. Your not single but Unmarried,Now repeat after me:
Say I am U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D



“Most guys are single because they fail to answer this question: How did you get my number?”

“Not every ex that comes back loves you…

Some are just testing your stupidity..”

“My brother does your wife know that you wash dishes at your side chick’s house?”

“Even if u ugly as what, when you have money…women will always find something cute on you like….“Awwww he has nice finger prints”…..or “Awwww he has such a cute shadow”

“Having one girlfriend is too risky my brother, What If you marry her?”

“At 25 years, you should be driving. Even if it means driving someone crazy, Just drive”

“You buy data every week but you’re using the same toothbrush since 2015. My brother, you should be arrested for treason”

“If you text Hi to your crush and she doesn’t reply please my brother Refuse to be defeated, Be strong and text her;
‘Hi Part 2’”

“Once a ghetto guy owns a laptop, He becomes a Dj”

“My brother if you are not the one who bought that Brazilian weave , please don’t do styles and positions that will have you pulling her hair.

Please, don’t unnecessarily tax the sponsor by making him buy new weave every two weeks”

“My brother.. to protect your marriage, it’s either you bath with your wife or bath with your phone”

“Nothing feels good like dating a girl who never asks you for money….Until you get to know where she gets her money from”

“My brother, before you fall in love these days, make sure you photocopy your heart, and keep the original at home… Just in case”

“Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana, is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father”

“A brave man is he who has a running stomach and still wants to flatulate”

“If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform”


“A sheep spends its whole life fearing wolves but eventually gets eaten by the shepherd”

“If your mum does not add one more spoon after you say ‘thats enough’, you are adopted”

“The dumbest people in high school always wore the neatest uniform”

“Just a thought, why do you argue with me for 20 minutes and then in the end you tell me “ I won’t argue with you””

“Nobody drinks alcohol faster than someone who didn’t pay for it”

“He who swallows a complete coconut have
absolute trust in his anus”

“Dear sisters, don’t be deceived by a man who text you “I miss you” only when it’s raining, You are not an umbrella”

“It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire” “When your clothes are made of cassava leaves, you don’t take a goat as a friend”

“If you have attended over 100 weddings in your life and still single, you are not different from a Canopy”

“Dating a slim guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw adidas lines on your face”

“Respect pregnant women because it’s not easy walking around with evidence that you’ve had sex”

“Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a ‘broke’ man who’s extremely good in bed”

“When one’s goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour’s soup gets suspicious”

“Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there’s nothing as such any longer because it’ll have already been given out as a birthday gift, token of Appreciation, and Job assurance!”

“Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow”

“We are living in a generation where people “in love” are free to touch each others’ private parts but cannot touch each others’ phones because they’re private”

“Cigarette is and pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end”

“The government is so funny that when it finds Diamonds in your backyard, It becomes a government property but if it finds weed my friend, It’s yours alone”

Hilarious Quotes by Robert Mugabe

The funniest of all quotes by Robert Mugabe, the president of Zimbabwe

  • ISBN: 9781370950829
  • Author: Ronald Bowers
  • Published: 2017-07-10 22:35:07
  • Words: 2286
Hilarious Quotes by Robert Mugabe Hilarious Quotes by Robert Mugabe