Hey! My I’m Shaun And I’m Annoying!
Copyright Shaun Webb, 2017
All Rights Reserved
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.
_This book may not be sold or given away. _
No part of this book shall be reproduced, displayed, modified, or distributed without the prior and express written consent of the author. All inquiries to [email protected]
Every story in this book is written from the point of view of the author, and is based on his perception of the events depicted. This book is not by any means an attempt to defame any person, persons, company, or companies mentioned or referred to. Any names, stories, or likenesses within the pages of this book are, again, intended to entertain or inform the reader. While the stories in this book are not fictional, they are, however, one-sided. Please read with that in mind. So, save your lawsuits!
It’s February 2004. It’s my senior year of high school and I had to write a senior theme paper. Or was it a senior thesis? I can’t remember the phrase. Anyway, we had to write a creative story and break it up into parts. I wrote a fictional story on my great uncle’s time in the military during the Korean war. The name of that story was called “Commander Zero”. I had thing for that number back in the day; it just sounded so cool!
That same school year, I was also working on a comic book with my dad. I had a character named Zero as well but this adaption was different than the one in my thesis/theme paper. I think I liked the number Zero so much because it was so cool and mysterious. That or because I was a huge Mega Man X fan back in the day. Who knows.
I’m sitting here talking about the past because of my love of writing. Those that know me know that I’m mainly a video/media person. I have a documentary under my belt (The Crucible of Necessity) and a somewhat successful YouTube and livestreaming channel. When I study anything (languages, biblical, whatever), I always write it physically. Writing is very therapeutic and it helps me to sleep much easier at night. My pastor once said to write things on a journal before going to sleep. If you don’t use any electronics and you read or write before going to bed, your mind will not be all over the place. I tried this for a week and I woke up full of energy and ready to go!
All of my life, I’ve been an avid reader and writer. It’s something virtually unheard of from black men in the United States but it’s true. Many of us do read and write novels. Growing up, my mom forced me to read a dictionary to increase my vocabulary (thanks mom!) and my dad would read short stories to me (thanks dad!). In 2007, I remember watching a music video called Read A Book (NSFW) and one of the lyrics said, “Not a sports page, not a magazine, but a book, nigga! A fking book, nigga!”
I read various books in college. Contrary to what I was told in high school, I wasn’t forced to read books. I just got into the groove of reading and it came and went. It took me two years to read [Memoirs Of A Geisha _]and it took a year to read _A Purpose Driven Life. In 2010, the year I graduated university, I read more books that year than I have in a very long time. I began the year reading the Japanese novel series called The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (only the first book, saw the movie based on the fourth). While interning at a TV station in Dallas, Texas, I read Stephen J. Cannell’s next to last book The Pallbearers (he personally signed and gave this to me six months before he passed away) and I finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (which became a movie in the USA around the time I finished).
Forgot to mention that year I began writing for this event called National Novel Writing Month. You have 30 days to write a minimum of 50k words before the month ends. My book was about a female pro wrestler who was also a journalist. It was basically a story about me and my interests. I couldn’t possibly edit that story if I wanted to; I cringed often reading each sentence. Heck, when I re-read “Commander Zero”, I constantly said to myself, “I watched way too much anime back then”
What does the title have to do with what I’m saying? Throughout my teens and 20s, I was a collective pain in the ass to many people around me. Anyone I associated with will tell you, without skipping a beat, how annoying could be; I pissed off a lot of people just by saying and doing things. I mockingly call myself the black Larry David because just like his character in Curb Your Enthusiasm, I had a unique way of getting people do dislike me! Some could tolerate me because they knew I was trying but a lot of people didn’t want to bother. I don’t blame them one bit because I would have done the same thing too.
From movie directors, actors, teachers, Japanese adult stars, and various well known figures, my annoyance knew no boundaries. All of my actions were not known until I started reading books. Better books. Books that actually had power! Before October 2014, I read fiction novels. Nothing wrong with reading that genre but something in me said to read something outside of that.
I was inspired to write this thanks to an author by the name of Baye McNeil. He wrote a book called Hi! My Name Is Loco! And I’m A Racist! and it amazed me how one can tell a story of racism that doesn’t have a victim narrative. A dear friend of mine suggested I read his book and I bought it after reading Baye’s site.
The idea to write in this format came to me through a Twitter post. I can’t remember the Twitter page but the poster said if one wanted to write a proper book, write a journal roughly every day for a year and track your progress. I decided to make the subject on my growth post-teaching in South Korea. Around the time of writing, I was about to leave my comfort zone and invest in myself. It had a rough start but I quickly realized my actions and decided to see where my mind was at.
I’m hoping this book will help someone see themselves in my actions. If it entertains you, awesome! If it’s informative and helps you to grow, great! If you hate it, at least you tried and I’m proud of you for that! All I want someone to get out of this is a feeling of satisfaction. Either at my failures or my successes, I want you to have a smile or some sort of feeling when reading this.
What you’ll see here is a collection of my thoughts and moments that happened in five countries (South Korea, Japan, United States, Taiwan, and Canada). Most of the names in here are written to protect the innocent but everything you see here is from my point of view. Oh yeah, they’re all real.
Many thanks to those involved (heroes and villains) in my growth while writing this. From my lovers and haters on Reddit, Twitch, Youtube, and Twitter; you guys are the real MVPs.
Author’s Note: Everything written is in the first person. Words in bold and Italics are notes from the author. Also, many thanks to boxer Ed Latimore for reading this!
Yesterday, I was given the idea to write in my journal for a year. The timing of this was crazy cause I found a street vendor sell spiral note books for a dollar. I bought two: one for this and the other for church sermons. Let’s see if I can stick with this!
My time here as a teacher is coming to an end! I’m working a summer camp and it’s actually a lot of fun. Honestly, the summer camp I worked at Paju was more fun but the camp here is operated a LOT better. I don’t have to worry about staying in my home base and I can actually ride around!
Let’s see how the rest of this will go.
Wholy crap, I haven’t written in so long because the camp kept me productive! I got some good reading done so I can’t be too upset about all that has happened.
Here’s the thing…
I’m looking at going to Tokyo, Japan in a few weeks. While I’m there, I’m going to livestream often and make relationships with businesses using my media skills. The Olympics will be there in 2020 and the Tokyo area is doing all it can to make it English friendly.
One thing you can do is create the kinds of videos that you believe will make you money. Show it to the Japanese shop owners, sell them the idea of an English spokesperson promoting the places and go from there.
Another thing you can do is proofread English promotions for businesses. Oh, and English essays for college students. See about working with students that want to go to college in the states. Do your original thing for essays (don’t ask cause I don’t remember what it was). For entrance letters, charge based on the school’s division. Ivy League will be $500.
Back to the streaming idea, be sure to make videos about every day on Twitch and Youtube. Continue to make graphics and help others. Promote on Twitter every day and create other business sites.
Write 1,000 words a day on your experiences in your 20’s and make it a book for your website. Create something for people that want to be creators. Create shirts for wrestlers. Offer transcribe services for Youtubers. Work on the other transcribe sites. Be different and do different things!
If I want people to come to me for English work, I’ll have to put out ads on Craigslist and make videos for Korean and Japanese viewers. Korea’s getting the Winter Olympics in 2018; Japan the summer in 2020.
Q (my consultant) gave me a comprehensive list of things to do here so I need to get started!
Next on the list is clearing out my computer. Parallels will be used only for editing (This program allows me to run Windows 7 on a Mac). I will install Bootcamp only for live streams and Overwatch. If my CPU can handle it, I will be in great shape for future streams. Right now, I can only play this game on the Asia server so that’s fine with me. I will be all over the place anyway so it’s all good.
My streams will consist of Overwatch, mukbang (Korean eating broadcast), Pokemon Go, and older games. Right now, I will focus on newer stuff just to get an audience. I will have to be mainstream for a little while. Nothing too crazy.
I talked to my friend Ash just now and I thought of new ideas for . It occurred to me I can’t be dependent on just one video or project. It’s why I’ve gotten nothing over the years.
Sanitation strike will be put into parts. I will make it like the series Diggin’ in the Carts. Have a two-camera set up. Talk to one person only. I can also make it like the Adult Swim video essay video.
Don’t worry about copyright. Don’t worry about getting paid. Just create and everything will fall into place.
For Shaun Webb Media, I want you to actually put your shows on there. Put your work and offer services to show you mean business. On my site, I should put a link to my Twitch to show that I’m live. My site will get a huge switch up.
When I get home, shaunwebbmedia.com will get a redesign. The front page will have my newest video. I will also put my portfolio on there. I will put everything I do on there.
I took a train ride to the station and saw many junior high students. They were either going to night school or on their way home. A guy walked past them and accidentally kicked one of the students. He didn’t turn around to see who he hit nor did he apologize.
The things old people do here is passed down to the younger generation and I have to deal with it when I teach them. I heard the lack of courtesy is the same in China. If you complain about it, the public will scrutinize you. Sadly, there’s nothing me as a foreigner can do about it.
Okay, I…never mind. Lost my train of thought. I see a girl watching English Gentleman (Youtuber) on her phone. One day, people will be watching me on their phones.
I just made a layout for my site. Gonna work on it when I wake up. I have to treat what I do like a full-time job!
I saved myself from making a big mistake. I almost paid too much for a gaming laptop! Thankfully, the guys at the Arcade Stream (a dart bar in Hongdae, Seoul, S. Korea) talked me out of it and showed me a better place to buy. I don’t want to just play Overwatch. I want a machine that’ll let me do live streams. I got enough portable devices that’ll let me stream. I want to stream food and games. But I’ve said enough on it.
I just got word Mina “Prof.” Oh (Youtuber) is in Korea right now. I should try and do mukbang with her before I leave.
This upcoming Monday, I will have a chat with Gerald of Core-A Gaming on Twitch. I need to advertise this ASAP.
There were a lot of things that could have gone better today. No use in complaining about them because I can talk about what went right.
I went to the YouTube Fanfest today. By the grace of God, I went in with Chuu by way of YouTuber Whitneybae. When I first saw Whitney, she surprised me with her height! I made some connections, did some filming, and I will edit what I can tomorrow morning. I want to get it all out ASAP. I wish I could have packed lighter but oh well. I at least know Dongdaemun is a happening spot on Friday nights. I will do all I can there before I leave.
I still want to film “Koreans Play Starcraft On The Nintendo 64” before I leave! That has to happen!
I also need to make some lower thirds (graphics that show the name of the person talking below) for my documentary. Keep it simple. I want to interview that student that wanted to meet Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. (it was a Korean student that said they wanted to meet him).
I’ll be in Busan a week from now. I really need to buy my plane ticket and book my hostel so I’m not left behind.
Today, I’m going to see Irene at a Sherlock Holmes themed café. This is the interesting thing about Korea: they have a theme for almost everything! Word around the grapevine there’s a Harry Potter-themed café somewhere in the countryside. Either way, this’ll be interesting. I’m also going to try to film at this VR café. I’ll be with another person for this.
I think my vlogs should be on the positive and negatives. I’ve yet to talk about that time a woman was clipping her nails in the restaurant…
I could explore Yongsan a bit and get my laptop ready. Probably get what I need at a respectable price. The place is full of cheats but there are some good and legit sellers.
Today, I decided to look into the situation with my mouth. If it heals, cool. I wonder if I will even need braces. I hope not.
Old people in Korea are a hindrance to the young. This ajumma (older Korean woman, or ma’am) clogged the walking lane for no reason. I’m trying to walk up the escalator and she’s just standing still. Korean culture keeps the young from speaking out when the bullcrap is blatant. This culture is heavily influenced by Confucianism and one of the things involve in it is how the young is to respect the old, no matter what. It bugs me to see the young folks refuse to speak out against the old but it’s not my place to say anything. No one progresses without any kind of strife.
Honestly, I’d much rather be anywhere else. I do need to get my mouth checked out. The doctor messed up my mouth but we’ll see what I can do in the meantime. Hopefully, these doctors can give me a proper diagnosis. Sonia’s doctor made things worse when he removed my wisdom teeth and grinded my mouth. 12 million won (about $10k) is a lot but it’s the cheaper option. Still, Dad’s healed on its own. Will I need braces? Hmm… Okay, I shouldn’t think too much on this. Maybe I should focus on Patreon and Paypal.
It’s amazing what you can see when one isn’t focused on their phone. I say this a lot but every time I’m on the train, 90% of the folks are on their phone. They miss the beauty of what the outside world has to offer. They also get information overload. Wait, it’s sensory overload…
Two years ago, I had a nightmare due to consuming so much media. This is when I worked at a TV station in west Texas. During my last few months, I saw nothing but ISIS, Black Lives Matters, and Ebola. The morning show graphics showed up in my dream and I couldn’t escape.
Then I got shot.
I woke up crying my eyes out and wiping my sweat.
This is the power of mainstream media consumption. It can have a positive influence or negative one. The MSM is devious. The people that report the news have to follow a narrative by the higher ups. That’s obvious.
What isn’t obvious is how and what is reported. I got that backwards but whatever. The people doing the reporting can make any group or organization out to be good or bad. Few local news networks will go “rouge” and go against the narrative. In the USA, Black Lives Matters is made to be good. They’re not. The intentions were good and what they stood for when they first started was something I could support. Then they got bought by George Soros.
Thank God Korea is a nationalistic country because they cared about BLM for about an hour. The expat community still rallies for it yet they do nothing but post complaints on Internet about how hard their lives are anywhere they go. For Korean media, if a certain place is shown in a drama, Koreans will flock to that business to feel popular amongst a group of people they do not know.
Media can be used for good but where I was at, it was used for evil. I wanted no part of that. In addition to the imagery, I wanted no part in working slave wages. I came in with pro media experience from Korea. I was told I could do anything with a degree and experience. I was given outdated info. It’s not their fault. They didn’t know. I didn’t know either. Throughout my time at the TV station, I annoyed the crap out of the people that worked there.
My first month there, I made it clear that I wanted to work in the back as a video editor. This happened towards the end of April 2014. Anyway, I do the interview with the leader of production and I let her know right away that I came in with the intent to work as an editor. They put me in production to “test the waters”. I wasn’t the least bit happy. I said to myself, “I’ve done this already during my internship! I hated doing this then and I didn’t want to do it now.” Instead of standing my ground at home, I signed the lease to the apartment and filled out the information. I literally signed my life away to six months of hell.
The job consisted of me working six days a week, making minimum wage. “At least you’re getting PAID to do this work!”, my mom said to me. In my parents’ eyes, I should have been happy I was getting paid $7.45/hr for less than 30 hours of work a week. I should have been happy that I was working while having to deal with a car note, car insurance, Obamacare, student loans, rent, gas, groceries, and utilities. My dad told me I would have to get a second or even third job. This is why you put your foot down on stuff you know is bullcrap.
While at the station, I tried many times throughout my tenure to get my black behind to the back. I interviewed everyone I could that was making a decent salary on how they got position they were in. Most folks in the newsroom said they started in production. The people in the back position told me they knew someone at the station before they got to the back. My spider sense was telling me I was being lied to about working as an editor because the three in the back all went in through references.
One of the weekend directors, who was there for two years, told me the higher said to her “one day”. We were often told it would take about six months of experience in production to work in the back but this director was there for TWO YEARS. I argued with my mom on this and she was telling me “that’s how it is sometimes, you gotta wait”. She isn’t wrong but something in my gut was telling me that I still wasn’t given all of the info. It just didn’t seem right that the higher ups were telling me I had to wait it out, yet the people in the position I wanted to work told me they got in because they knew someone.
The production manager and I were roughly the same age. She knew of my potential. She knew what I could do but her boss refused to let me move to the back. Looking back, I do not blame him one bit. I was very immature at that time. I felt I deserved to work as an editor because I had a degree and minimum experience. I kept bugging them every week to let me work in the back. Money was tight and I couldn’t pay off what I needed to on minimum wage. The manager and I butted heads a few times because I kept trying to get out of production. She often yelled at the team for mistakes and called us “stupid motherfkers” when she was irritated. Dealing with irritable managers is part and parcel of starting off. However, I was 28 and I put up with that kind of environment already.
I was too good for that place. My arrogance and pride damn near starved me to death. I managed to get a job at Fed Ex, working the midnight to 3 am shift. About a month later, I got a third job at a bank, doing desk work. I was able to pay off my monthly bills but got damn, was I often exhausted. 16 hours a day, I was always on the move. Midnight to 3 am, Fed EX. 4:30 am to 9 or 10am, the TV station. Noon to 5 pm, the bank. Weekends were the days I should have hustled. Instead, I screwed around.
At Fed EX, I packed boxes inside of a trailer. I worked with some very wonderful people there. Working there wasn’t that bad, actually! My manager was a great guy and the people I worked with were more than happy to help. The hours were not the best but I the people’s generosity and southern hospitality was a nice trade off.
The bank was not my favorite place. I was one of two men in an office full of women. I didn’t feel comfortable there at all. All I did was sit on my behind and do nothing but data entry. The ad said it needed someone with a college degree and I didn’t want to turn down $10 an hour so I was in no position to negotiate.
I will say this, working at the bank was actually the best thing for me. There, I re-discovered my love for reading. Only this time, it was self-help books.
I was at my lowest while working at the bank. I annoyed my hiring manager because I constantly got up to stretch, to walk around and to just not be a vegetable like everyone else. A man is supposed to be active; he needs to move his body.
When my manager wasn’t around, I used Twitter on my tablet. I followed actor Terry Crews and he promoted his book “Manhood”. This book legit changed my life. This book got me on the path to better myself as a man. Reading through Crews’ struggles in his early life inspired me to get better. Shortly after reading that, my favorite rapper Phonté of The Foreign Exchange sent out a tweet that would change my life.
The tweet in question came from his friend Mike Cernovich. Mike has this site called Danger and Play and he talks about mindset. The concept was very new but, wow, did it excite me! It was something I never knew existed. I read many of his articles and did the exercises and I made up in my mind to start taking better control of my life. As expected, things just don’t happen magically overnight but it was a pretty good start!
Back at the TV station, the one good thing to come out of working like this was being able to FINALLY get an opportunity to do editing work! We had a contest to see who could make a show intro for the local college football team. Out of nine people, the only two (myself and one other) were chosen. They combined our projects and we had our work shown on TV. They were really impressed with my graphic and asked me to make more commercials.
I made one for their Football Friday Night show and they loved it right away. What I did for this commercial use what the same format and method ESPN did for their Saturday night college football program. I just added my own twist to it. I had to go through Reddit’s Photoshop subreddit to figure out the effects and put in a lot of hours to making it look great. I made one final commercial for them and it was for a clothing store. I used one of my heavier editing programs to make the commercial and it got approved.
This time, I felt I deserved to be in the back. All of the hard work and time I put into making the commercials should have meant something, right. The big boss said to me, “No, we’re just gonna keep you right in production. They need you. I needed you to do these commercials because we were swamped”
I was furious.
I didn’t let it out in the office but I did to my weekend manager. She knew and she understood and she felt my pain. At that time, I cried and prayed it out. Immediately, a voice said to me:
I was butting heads with the head director (who’s 7 years younger than me); I was unhappy with being broke and hungry all the time; my main manager kept chewing me for trying to leave production and bettering myself; I was working three jobs and constantly exhausted; I went back to giving plasma to make some extra money, and I had to ask my folks for buy my groceries.
“Boss, I’m putting in my two weeks starting now.”
“I’m not surprised. I was waiting for it.”
Two weeks later, I was at home. I went back to teaching as a substitute at my old high school. It was the beginning of 2015 and I knew I had to make some changes in my life. Reading the stuff on mindset was the beginning of something new. I listened to a few seminars on creating a business.
The seeds were being planted. It was up to me to constantly water them to make sure they would bloom.
I made a lot of progress today. Got up early and watched a better Joyce Meyer sermon. Afterwards, I washed dishes, cleaned up my garbage and made my way towards Seoul to interview Gerald Lee of Core-A Gaming.
It’s interesting how we met. The owner of Core-A Studios and I met on a Facebook group. We met face to face at Arcade Stream. He told me Gerald was from the same city I was.
We’re both content creators/editors, like fighting games, and have the same taste in fighting game music. Meeting these folks has been a major blessing. I’ve been introduced to great people throughout my time here this year.
Earlier today, I was surprised by my friend Jackie. She’s an amazing woman I met at a language exchange last year (on my birthday, no less!). Tonight, we went out to eat and she gave me a going away card. Like my dad, I, too, love cards. It caught me off guard! She made my night while I made hers.
During my porn addiction, I hated myself. I also had no respect for others, especially women. Coming here with my new mindset and getting over the addiction was to show off my growth. Not to others but to myself. I’ve made a few mistakes along the way but I learned and grew from them. That’s the important thing.
My time with Jackie tonight displayed my growth. I felt great knowing she saw the good in me tonight. All I can do is set a good example and keep her mind at ease.
Today has shown me the type of videos I can make. Videos that inspire. Videos that make people think. Videos that make people angry. I don’t know what to expect but I will make what I can, regardless of what people think.
Being around great men and women has elevated me, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My parents say they’re proud of me. I’m happy with that. I strive to do better every day. I don’t care if I’m making a little or a lot (I say this now…). I have to be a better person every day. My life literally depends on me being better and making a profit off of it. I expect good times and I will be prepared for bad times.
When I get home, I need to find a way to get those Korean subs done [for the Starcraft video]. I will be in Japan next week so it must be done! Seriously hoping I can see Danté [Carver] again and meet up with some other people. Connections and keeping them is what I’m all about in addition to being helpful.
Well, it looks like I won’t be able to get my D-10 visa. Unless I were to stay in Suwon tomorrow and go to immigration, I don’t see myself getting it.
My life depends on succeeding. No matter what, I have to succeed. Success if on my mind. Constantly. People that say, “Money doesn’t bring happiness” never had nothing.
My two purposes in life are very clear. One, serve God. Two, be successful. My definition of success is different from everyone else. Either way, I am excited for this. I need a new job. I need a way to make money while I work on my career. I have no bills to pay but I need a realistic goal…a payment goal. With TranscribeMe, I can do some work and not screw up. With live streaming and Patreon, I can ask for donations while I provide something in return. While I’m in Japan, I can do tutoring and correct English work. I don’t know if Paypal will work but I can probably take cash. Glad I came in here to think this through.
Today was a very productive day. I met up with a reporter from San Francisco and helped film a K-pop interview. They were interviewing singer and songwriter Sophia Pae.
Later on, I went to Gangnam and ate at Butterfingers for one last time. I made another friend via a random encounter and ate with them. I don’t know how many times this has happened since last Friday but it helped me develop a new idea for a video. Long story short, I was taking pictures and she decided to help me out. She spoke English and we talked outside for 15 minutes before she came with me to eat.
At this time, I was still learning how to talk to women; how to not be afraid to have a meaningful discussion with them. I don’t know why but I felt very confident around her. This was someone I met a few minutes ago and I was talking to her like I knew her for years. I discovered something new: women like to be challenged intellectually.
She kept asking me for my birthday and I refused to tell her. She tried to use ageyo (a thing Korean women do to act annoyingly cute) and I wasn’t having any of it. She then said to me, “Fine, then I’m leaving!” and I told her, “Okay, bye! I’ll go and sit with those two single ladies over there”
She told me I wasn’t supposed to tell her that. To my surprise, she stayed with me for another hour and a half.
Yesterday, I visited my old job in Paju. This place went through some major changes! It’s slowly turning into a K-pop training center. The city of Suwon is looking to get that property. The staff I once knew was looking rough; mentally and physically. They sucked the joy out of me and I had to leave.
To be fair, my time at that place wasn’t the best. I was still very green when getting to know people outside of my comfort zone and people were not used to my type of personality. Really, the way I was my first time in Korea was very uneventful.
I first moved to Korea in 2012. Suwon was my first city and I was severely disliked by my co-workers except for one person. This one person was the only other black American man and he made me feel at home. I was a very emotional person and thought the world owed me. I was very disrespectful to a lot of my co-workers and in return, they were disrespectful to me.
When it came to talking to women, I was at my absolute worst. There were four women at my job that I couldn’t get along with. Two were white, one was Korean, and the last was black. The first white woman was a major drama queen and super emotional. She had a nice personality but in terms of looks, she was doomed. Korean society judges people based on looks and she was a verbally abused by the Koreans often. Being fat did her no favors.
Her first week, she brought drama to my house by pretending her boy-toy choked her. The marks on her neck showed they were self-inflicted and I kicked her out. I won’t get into the rest of it but people like her is why my dad always told me to “never let just anyone in your house”.
The other white women was a blonde haired and blue eyes. She was favored by the Korean staff for that alone! To be fair, she did do good work which is why she was the leader of all of us. We REALLY didn’t get along. She was the type of person that would do anything to get ahead. I actually admire that now!
One day, the blonde and I got into it because she lied to me. One of the Korean teachers had a going away party and intentionally gave me a wrong date. On the bulletin board in the teacher’s work room, it has announcements to let people know of events between all of us. I remember seeing one date on the board but then it got erased. I assumed it was canceled.
Days go by and the leaving Korean teacher approaches me and asks why I didn’t show up at her party. “I didn’t know it went on!” was my response. I talked to the blonde about it and she played dumb and said, “I thought you overheard me and [this teacher] talk about the event. I assumed you would show up”. I chose my words very carefully because she was more or less my boss but she knew I was pissed. She later apologized but it was a very weak and I didn’t accept it.
After five months, I quit that job. One of my co-supervisors and I got into a heated argument. I’ll admit, what I did to my students was something I wasn’t proud of.
During a class, they noticed some snacks inside of my materials basket. They thought I was holding out on them so they told my Korean co-teacher. The co-teacher thought it was smart to chew me out. So you know, if you teach at certain schools, you’ll work with some people who think they’re your boss.
I grew a spine and chewed her out right back. I was taller and much bigger than her so I knew she would attempt to fight back. It gave me such an adrenaline rush, my hands were shaking. Never in my life had I stood up to authority like that and it felt great! I couldn’t help but feel she gained some respect for me after that…
My rush lasted longer than expected. I bought my kids some snacks and I gave them to them while being the worst teacher ever. I berated them and tossed the snacks at them for “snitching” on me. They actually felt bad and said, “Sorry, Shaun teacher”. Imagine hearing that from little 4th graders.
I had so much rage in me, I had no sympathy; I was ready to leave this private academy.
Next day, once again, my co-supervisor and I had got into an argument. She saw what I did to my kids. How did she see it? In Korea, there are surveillance cameras in the classroom.
[_ “How dare you throw these snacks at the kids like that! They’re not dogs!” _]
In Korean culture, you actually have to personally give people things. Throwing them at people is essentially calling them dogs.
At this point, I had gotten written up twice (the first time was for rookie mistakes 10 days after signing the contract). I had enough. I ran out of fucks to give. I told her how I felt about her, the place, and the people I worked with. This co-director and I were always arguing about something. She had her eye on me the most. I was the most outspoken person at my job and I wasn’t a fan of being treated a certain way. It felt like working in Texas. The supervisors there gave me hell for trying to teaching my students to not think like slaves. Here in Korea, it was me versus Korean culture. That was one fight I wasn’t going to win.
“I’m sick and tired of way you and all of the other Korean and foreign workers have treated me! I haven’t been here long and I’m trying to make sense of this [screwed] up system! All you have done is bring me down and vilify and ridicule me!” Without flinching, she said, “This is Korea. This is how we always do things with people. You are too outspoken and no one here can work with you because of it.”
She wasn’t wrong.
After our shouting, I left the room, went to a quiet place and cried it out. I thought about the words of my students the day I was disrespectful to them. It hurt me because I hurt those kids pretty bad. From that day forward, I would never disrespect kids in that manner ever again. I bought new snacks, apologized and personally gave them the snacks.
Looking back, a lot of the drama I dealt with planted seeds into what was to come. My purpose in Suwon was learning how to stand up for myself. One night at a bar, a foreigner and I were talking and she taught me how to look for another school to work at. That blew my mind because I didn’t know that was possible! That was the first time I knew I had options. The next day, I went to the director of the school and told him I was quitting. I was breaking contract but I didn’t care. I wanted out.
I had 30 days to look for a new job.
Of course, the drama at the academy didn’t stop. The third and final person I had issues with was a black woman. She and I REALLY didn’t get along. When she found out I was leaving, she let her true feelings for me be known. I didn’t take too kindly to it but I didn’t care. Like an idiot, I stooped to her level and accidentally spread a rumor about how she admitted to show up to work drunk. I could have been wrong but it’s whatever.
My co-workers were drunks. On Mondays, they always talked about how drunk they were over the weekend. One of the Korean workers’ husband got a job at a brewery and brought beer during work hours. They all drank that can before teaching!
Anyway, someone tipped her off that I was spreading rumors about her. During break time, she got my attention by literally snapping at me and, for some reason, I obliged like a dog. She chewed me out in private. I was leaving so I didn’t care. I just stood in an intimidating pose and looked at her with a smile that said, “what are you going to do about it?”
In Paju, I was just as, if not more so, annoying. I’ll keep this brief. I was still just as brash and loud as I was in Suwon. I disrespected my co-workers. The only thing to keep me from going really off the deep end was a guy by the name of Ben. Ben was a cool dude. He was the one that helped me get the job in Paju (really, my best friend from university did but it’s all the same). I grew up a bit by being in his presence. He was full of wisdom and gave me a lot of advice when it came to dealing with people. I grew up slightly but I was still very immature.
After I left Korea the first time and came back, I saw Ben at a going away party. He wanted nothing to do with me. He, too, was sick of my crap. He let out how he really felt about me during our man-to-man talk. “You were disrespectful to the women. You were always in our face about stuff. You disrespected the work environment. The only thing I could do was pray for you cause I knew you needed help”
He wasn’t wrong.
I gave Ben my testimonial on what happened while I was gone and he was impressed. “Wow, I don’t know this guy!” is what he told me and we shook hands.
Today, I thought about new methods to increase the quality of my visuals in my videos. I’ve been watching other YouTubers and beauty vlogger Meejmuse comes to mind. Her videos have a very Korean aesthetic to them. The subtitles (words at the bottom of the screen) are very helpful. My only gripe is I wonder if the extra work will be worth it. Eh, I think my method works out for me.
I’m going to do things out of the ordinary. Do vlogs in public. Livestream Pokemon Go, exercise, food, and games. Interview people. Do reviews. Make them entertaining. I can talk about what I’ve done before doing work in Korea.
I’m a little annoyed tonight. I’m glad I’m no longer in the country side but I’m miffed. I couldn’t get my focus right. I know what I’m doing takes time but I’m annoyed I can’t get certain things that I need in time.
Today’s the first day of my true freedom. I was foolish to expect something right away. My vlog idea can’t work if I’m impatient. Looking at Casey Neistat’s work is really fun! I can do this in Tokyo for the TGS and beyond! Shoot, I can do this in Korea tonight! It’s a beautiful night. Today’s topic can be about when I worked as a K-pop journalist. Wait, I’ve already talked about this before. I think I’m trying to fill space in this journal just to sleep easy tonight. My videos can be about my adventures (vlogs) and talking to people and reviewing products.
I just found out Prof. Oh will have a meet up in Hongdae! Gonna do a video with her before I leave. My train leaves at 5:20 so I’ll literally be in and out. I’ll just do an interview with her and see about helping her with graphics and do a mukbang. If she’s still here when I come back, we’ll see what can be done.
I’m finally in a place where I have some me time! Great thing about going out and having an experience is studying. I’m studying people and I’m finding out things that are beneficial to my cause. I find doing video work and helping people can be very relaxing, in addition to exercise, reading a book, and meditation. Heck, doing what I want is relaxing.
Right now, I need to start making money. I have a lot right now but I fear I could go through it fast…shipping stuff home cost $400!
Wait, I’m off track. I need to figure out how to make money! I will do copywriting. I plan on doing more English editing. I will also make new videos every day. I notice saying “I will” is better than “I can”. I will do things to get attention on what I talk about. Everyone is the same. I will be different today. I will start fights. I will lose subscribers but gain many more. I will not chase others. People will naturally find me. I will build an audience and I will have something to talk about.
In addition, I will be useful in Japan. I will help out the Japanese with anything media related. I will also help out with their English. The Olympics are coming and they want help with their English-speaking and so on.
Yesterday, I finally got my Starcraft video done! It won’t be super long but it should be interesting nonetheless. My vlogs will be unique. I will show a place and then I will sit at a place with my camera and phone and will talk about a story in my life. My words won’t ramble. Every video I make will have a message or powerful words behind it. Black Youtubers in Asia not named Megan, Whitney, and Mikeole all have the same theme and they’re boring! I’ll take advantage of who I am physically and what I bring to the table.
I’m on a train to Tokyo and the dynamic here is quite interesting. I can tell who’s who based on what’s being done. The Koreans are on their phones; the Japanese are either sleeping or playing on a handheld; the other foreigners are doing who knows what.
This is my ninth trip to Japan and sixth to Tokyo. The first few times I’ve been to Tokyo, it’s been nothing but fun. I think my third time here, I decided to take it serious. I remember meeting Danté in Shibuya in 2013. He was my motivating for doing things in Asia. He doesn’t think so, I believe I annoyed the hell out of him that year. At one point, we stopped talking.
Looking back, my source of annoying others was due to how I was taught to make connections. I just wanted someone to talk to and keeping friends got harder as I got older. Once I learned the importance of time and real friends, I stopped. I sent a Twitter message to Danté to apologize to him on how bad I felt I messed up. He was actually very cool with me and never had a problem. He knew what I was going through. He understood my hunger for success and we’ve been talking again ever since.
Right now, I’m inside a Mcdonald’s in Akibahabara (Tokyo’s nerd district). After being in Tokyo so many times, I’m ready to see the countryside and other cities. I want to see Yokohama and meet up with Baye McNeil. I need something to film around here. Honestly, I might go back to Korea after my time here. I can save up more there. Then again, I’d have an easier time interviewing people. I’ll have to see about meeting YouTubers while I’m here in Tokyo. Would be nice if Loretta (YouTuber kemushichan) was here right now. Oh well, I need to brainstorm ideas.
Today, I take why I’m here serious. I have a number of indie gave developers to talk to.
Yesterday, I screwed around too much. It’s okay because I learned from it. Tokyo Game Show officials helped out. The bottom line to all of this is God leading me and putting me back on track. My feet hurt but this is temporary. The work scene in Japan is very similar to Korea; no stopping. Everyone here looks depressed from work. Errr… the ones in suits. So many people are slouching!
I find it interesting how students interact with one another here. Korean middle school girls do not casually walk with boys. It’s the opposite here. Korean and Japanese students have very similar, yet different things about them. The boys love their games; the girls love cute things. Really, I think this can be said about kids around the world.
When I see these kids, I hate knowing how the previous generation does all it can to turn them into slaves. I hate seeing these kids with so much potential to be great lose their creativity. Right now, my brother is going through this. He’s realizing everything that was told to him was a lie. I hope he can figure it out soon.
In addition to connections, I’m helping out someone buy some merchandise. She’s a young lady from San Francisco who’s heavy into the fighting game scene. From our talks, she’s really cool and is cute, too! She found me on Instagram because of one of my photos from Korea. We connected and the rest is history. Game company Capcom collaborated with Japanese clothing company Bathing Apes to make some shirts and she asked me to buy one for her.
That shirt is $108!
Yesterday and today was much better. I was able to film more, took lots of pictures, and made a bunch of connections with independent game developers. I have many e-mails to make tonight and tomorrow! I’m proud of myself. I didn’t spend money all crazy during the event; I could have bought this retro game player but I had to ask myself “Do I really need it”. It was on sale for $100 (previously $260) but I didn’t feel the need for it at this time. That reminds me, I need to get my mom her gift before I leave. Brandon and dad need something also.
I’m re-reading the book “Freelancing In Tokyo” and I’m learning a lot! There were a few things I knew but there were others I did not! I can’t wait to finish this and test out what I’ve learned.
Yesterday, I moved to another hostel. Thank God, it’s close to the grocery store! There’s a 24-hour store literally up the road from me and the prices are way better here than in Korea. The eating culture in Korea is all about going out. In Japan, much like the states, it’s both eating in and going out. No tipping here really makes things better.
Right now, I’m doing work exchange. I can stay at this hostel in exchange for doing work. I get an experience while I look to do paid work. If I can get at least $1000 a month starting off, that would be great. I’m not about the money though*. It’s nice to get but I need to focus on the work so I can get the money.
I’m back to doing my push-ups. Did 50 so far, I got 50 more to do. I was surprised to see someone else up! It was a cutie from Taiwan. I forgot her nickname but I can remember her actual name (actually I forgot it now). I showed her two music videos from The Foreign Exchange and she liked them. She’s also a K-pop fan so that’s cool.
*Didn’t I just say not too long ago that I was about the money? Shaun, what is you doing?
Well, work was work. I’ll have to do this until the 17th of October. By then, I should have made between $500-$1000. I’m going to be on full blown hustle mode. I need to get two kinds of business cards made. One for small businesses and one for bigger companies (small = animated me; big = actual me). People here like my smile so I’m going to take full advantage of it.
I saw that Mr. [Katsuhiro] Harada [producer of the Tekken series] got in touch with me on Twitter! Earlier, I apologized to him for not showing up and he actually replied to me by asking where I was! I pray and hope his newest project is a major success! His newest project not named Tekken is a virtual reality game. From what I’ve seen, it’s about playing the role of a tutor helping a high school senior pass her class.
I forgot to mention that someone FINALLY sent in a pledge to my Patreon! Waking up to that made my morning! I’m going to make more and better content and show people things no one thinks about or are too afraid to try themselves. My “Make A Ken Out Of You” video is different, for sure. It was a lot of fun to make. I can’t get comfortable; the work has to be consistent! I have to get better and learn. I need to update my Patreon page. Actually, I need to work on my GoPro. I used to be able to get footage off of my mini-sd card but now I can’t. This needs to be fixed today! Now that work is done, I need to get back to my video work and get noticed! Also, I need a new backpack.
Right now, I’m in Shibuya and I just finished up an interview with an actor that was born and raised here. His name is Cyrus. He was in the drama “[+ +]” [Nihonjin No Shirainai Nihongo] and he had a very interesting story to tell. Long story short, he found out on his own doing voice work was better than being video talent. He told me most won’t accept people without a proper visa but he helped me out with something useful: he said I’m better suited in Korea. I have two people that want me there so why not. Japan is a great place to visit, not live.
I honestly feel Korea is indeed better suited for me. I love Japan but Korea has what I need. Plus, most of what comes out in Japan comes to Korea. I’ll give it more thought but I’ve done a lot in Japan. I’m not a teenager anymore. I’m not into the things about Japan I once was. I’d love it more if I could make money but I have to be patient here.
The one thing I love about Korea is how easy I can access wi-fi. Japan has gotten better about it but they’re still behind. Japan is ahead of Korea socially (even the Yakuza are better mannered) but Korea is ahead technically (except for the fact they STILL use Windows XP). Enough about both countries, I need to brainstorm how to make money on the web.
Little disappointed in myself. Last night, I screwed around. Made up for it today so it’s okay. The interview I did the other day needs to be transcribed and translated. It isn’t high priority but it’ll be done when it’s done.
My videos need to be entertaining and have something to say. I have to be patient. Today was day three of cleaning. I hate cleaning the ash trays. I could be the one to say I don’t like doing it but I couldn’t inconvenience them. Besides, I plan on staying a few more weeks but not working at a hostel.
Right now, I’m on my way to this business card place to pick up my meshi [business card]. I kept it very simple. I might make more but with my character on it.
Really annoyed with not being given prior notice on the print shop not being open! That’s money and time I could have saved. Shouldn’t surprise me. Korea prepared me for this. I don’t have a phone so I’ll have to manage a little better next time. [For clarification, Korean and Japanese culture are notorious for telling people things either at the very last minute or until it’s too late. It’s to ‘save face’ but it’s really annoying.]
Today, I need to do a Twitch show. I haven’t done one since Saturday. I need to do my vlog. In two years, everything God said would happened has happened. I got it confirmed by the people He directed me to. In two years’ time, I went from a boy to a man mentally. The progress is slow but I’m making it regardless.
Got my business cards and I’m ready to go! I sent out e-mails and all I have to do is wait. While I wait, I will continue to make some videos.
Right now, I’m in a subway and more folks are afraid to sit next to me. I remember Baye talk about this in his book. It doesn’t bother me; however, I find it surprising. I experienced it more in Korea than in Japan. People only sat next me when there were no other seats. Other folks would get upset at trivial things like this. Me? I embrace it. Oh well, a new group of people came in and they sat next to me and even smiled.
A lot of things that’s considered old school at home is done here. People reading physical books and the newspaper can be seen. Heck, me writing this by hand in a notebook is also considered old school. My dad and I had a talk about absolutes and he said some things should never change.
I met a couple from Korea and Canada just now. One asked for my business card! I soon realized I have to treat everything I do like a business. Like Chris Rock said: always be auditioning.
Today, I learned an important lesson: bring your business card with you everywhere here.
Outside today looked way better than yesterday. First time in almost two weeks where we’ve had no rain! It was a perfect time to film. I finally got in touch with [pro wrestler] Kris Wolf! We set up a day to meet this week and I am excited for it! Met [creator of Garage Pro TV] Bueno yesterday and now Kris. I have to make great use of my time but I feel pretty good at the pace I’m going.
I blacked out creatively yesterday. I tried to make a trailer to Final Fantasy XV but a lot of what I wanted to make was very difficult. See, if I want to make a trailer to this game, I need…
Wait, a thought came to me! I was making it too hard. Don’t worry about the sounds of the game! Just add action scenes and put the music over it. That’s a 15 second commercial right there! Same for the 30 second. If I could get footage without any background music, that would be great! But now I have to work with what I got. No excuses!
Yesterday I talked to my parents. They showed me my packages and the ones I sent on the 9th and 10th made it home. The one I sent on the 2nd didn’t make it. I have a feeling the post office screwed up. Bless their hearts. I know it’s a small town but there’s no excuse for messing up something so simple.
It hit me today that I have been going back to my old ways. I need to stay on track before I get fat again. Also need to upload videos on a regular basis. I need to hit up a gym ASAP. I did 50 push-ups today and I got 50 more to do.
Little annoyed I didn’t get to see Dante today. I missed [Japanese porn star] Pupil yesterday. I missed [former Japanese porn star turned actress and singer] Apricot at the TGS. I wanted to meet up with these folks and work something out with them. An interview, at least.
Really, I need to do my part. I talk but I haven’t walked much. I got an interview with Cyrus and Kris but I want more! Tomorrow is my day off. I will film and film and edit. I’ll do it all on location! No more waiting on people. Waiting will delay my destiny. Let me say that again: Waiting will delay my destiny.
I was able to get video edited today but it was a major bust. I also see now that it’s almost effortless on my part to talk to women in this country. On the bright side, I’m glad I forced myself out of the hostel. Sitting around all the time was doing nothing for me. I think I may make another YouTube channel. Wait, what am I thinking! Shaun On Site is getting up there but it’s slow. What am I afraid of? Rather…I should ask HOW I’m holding myself back.
You know, I can’t be too happy with everything that has happened today. Got pink eye and I got stood up on a date. Silver lining came from hearing back from an old friend. Also, hearing back from my half-Japanese friend was great. I just found out she’s going through chemotherapy and she’s recovering quite well!
The typhoon came back and I will stay the rest of October. Might stay longer since my friend Paxton said he’ll be here. Him, my other friend Ray and his family will also return. I’ve decided I’ll surprise my family again but they probably know that I will try to do so around Thanksgiving. Either way, I want to see my family. It’ll be interesting being at home without a car (Earlier in the year, someone hit my dad while he was driving my car. He’s okay!). That reminds me, I need to get my license renewed. I’m considering getting a class M so I can ride my dad’s scooter. Might invest in a bike so we will see.
Getting real sick of Tokyo right now. Getting real sick of not getting any leads. Getting sick of things hardly working in my favor. I don’t know if it’s more or what I’m doing wrong but I’m sick of things not going my way!
I don’t know my why outside of serving God. What’s my why? Why am I in film? Why am I waking up every morning to do this? I should leave the hostel next week. I’m getting too comfortable. No progress has been made. Dante and others can give me the tools but nothing is working. I want to do YouTube. I want to make videos for others. I want to be an asset.
I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I don’t want to go back to my old addictions. I don’t want to go back to people that held me down. I don’t want to teach. I want to move forward and stay forward. I was stuck in the same place for 12 years. Can you imagine being in the same place mentally for that long? I was there mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially. I was in debt for six years. I kept myself there because I refused to grow. My ancestors were survivors. I am too. I need help in this country and I need to also be an asset.
Today went much better. Something (probably the Holy Spirit) told me to talk to my supervisor about doing video for the hostel. They actually agreed to do so! I asked if I could do video work in exchange for lodging! They liked that idea, too. They know what I can do. My pitch of showing them my portfolio worked better than telling them that I can do it. My theory of never being afraid to ask worked again. God is why my growth happens. Mom, thanks for reminding me of that.
I knew this wasn’t going to come easy. The manager said it wouldn’t be possible right now to film the hostel. We would be short staffed. If we had more people, I can film. I will film regardless. I will also look for new clients as well. I am determined to not only get my portfolio up. I’m also looking to get paid. I get clients, I get paid, win-win. Glad I talked to Q about this. I got a write up of the type of videos my site will have. Anything to make it attractive. This’ll be useful for the Olympics in 2020. I need to make many clients before I leave so when I come back, we can be ready to go. I will also try again with people at home.
Right now, my focus is on helping others and reminding myself that God is in control. I need to keep and maintain my focus so I don’t get lost. I’m in Japan to work, not go on dates. I need to use that game on getting clients. Japan makes great use of business cards and I love it. In the USA, not so much. Things are not that much different with regards to people not wanting to pay.
Oooh! I just thought of an idea! Apricot’s concert is coming. I should make a T-shirt tomorrow. I’ll have to ask my friend Angel to make a design, ASAP!
I’m a bit salty today. My deal isn’t working like I want it to. The people here are very fickle and I’m stuck with no leads!
I’m very annoyed with being denied. I’m sure something better will come but I am human. I won’t keep this for long so I’ll get over it. I’m putting in all of this work and I have nothing to show for it. Why am I doing what I’m doing? I don’t think I know my why anymore.
I’ve come to terms with something I really didn’t want to: I got to get good. I can’t expect to get paid if my work isn’t good. I can’t get good if I don’t put in any real work. I will put in the work and the money will come. I put in work but not enough. I have to keep doing it until I have enough material that people are willing to pay for.
I was thinking about my way of getting people’s attention as of late. I’m annoying. I remember reading a blog post from wrestling announcer Jim Ross on young guys wanting to move up. During my late teens and throughout all of my 20s, I had a way of getting people’s attention. I was and still am good at doing that.
Yeah, I’m great at connecting but I suck at maintaining it. I mean, I’m almost 31-years-old and I have shades of annoyance but it’s nothing like it was when I was younger.
When I was a younger man, I was hungry. I was hungry to not just survive. Throughout those years, all I did was survive. I did nothing to really contribute to myself or others. I could sit up and blame those that I studied under during my 20s but…
…that would do me no good. Most of my annoyance comes from bad timing or having nothing to offer to others. I always mean well but it came across as me being a leech. Something happened yesterday that brought this full circle. There’s a lady here that’s a legendary announcer in the mixed martial arts scene. If you’re a fan of Pride and Dream FC, you know who I am talking about. Earlier in the month, I sent a request for her to record a birthday message for my mom. They sent it to me for free! I was very surprised at this!
I can only assume this happened because of me gaining a real relationship with her husband and being a regular customer at their sandwich shop! My first time there, I actually did a mukbang of their food and gave it nothing but high praise. I wouldn’t have known about this place had I not followed the announcer on Twitter. The place is called The Earl and it’s REALLY good. My original intent with their shop was to make a video and make some money. One thing led to another and I gained a good relationship with the shop owner.
I was talking to Q about relationships and business. He said if you want to get money, you have to make relationships with people first. The money will come but I need to make a relationship with people and I have to be good at what I am offering.
The concept of relationships felt foreign to me. It’s ironic because growing up, I could be friends with just about anyone. I had no understanding of relationships but I knew friendship. Honestly, my understanding of friendship was very flawed. I got a better understanding thanks to social media.
Social media showed me how to distinguish acquaintances, confidants, and comrades. I learned this from Bishop T.D. Jakes but it was put into practice over the years. I had such a flawed perspective on relationships, it turned people off.
In my 20s, I would contact people and we would meet up. Things would go either great or bad, depending on how I was that particular day. When I first met Dante, we had a great meeting. He treated me to food, we did our interview, and he introduced me to the creator of Ice Block TV. I haven’t forgotten how they made me feel that day.
On the flipside, the last woman I dated was in 2013. We got really close and then I constantly called her. She later stopped responding.
As I write this, I just thought about something my mom told me. She said to treat business relationships like going out on a date: don’t bother the person after you’ve met. My obsession being with people instead of taking care of my own business often made me miserable. My annoyance could have worked to my advantage today but could haves won’t fix what I’m trying to do.
Right now, I want to take the time to point out how much I hate entertainment managers. I put forth the effort into getting what I need and they block me. Wait, I shouldn’t take this personally, I just need to focus on getting good.
I saw Apricot again for the first time in six months. This time, it was at a concert and it was alright. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst either. The show was literally called “Lady Madonna” and it was a bunch of Japanese adult stars performing music. I probably would have had a much better time if I wasn’t hungry, dehydrated and sapped of my energy.
I remember reading an article from Victor Pride about high energy and I could feel the serious lack of it from the men in the audience. I was probably one of the VERY few men in the building not performing that had high energy. No one was really cheering. Most of who was in the audience were a bunch of salarymen; these guys were drained from work that day.
It felt like their lack of energy sapped mines very fast. These men were guys that had nothing better to do than work and watch porn. I couldn’t tell if any of them were even married. The yakuza security in the back had a lot of energy! They were on high alert to make sure no one did anything. One of them got on me for taking pictures of the stage. Apparently, it was a rule to not take photos but I didn’t know because I am still new to Japanese culture and I can’t speak the language.
I took the pictures and video in secret anyway.
Outside of seeing Apricot again, I met a brand-new person today and she was really cool! Her name is Fruit and I found out about her through this one subreddit (more on them much later) and decided to look into her more. I wasn’t interested in her until I found out she has a background in sports reporting.
When I first met her, I told her right away that I’ve never seen her adult films but I was interested in her background. I mentioned my background in sports production and the first thing she said to me was, “Yeah, you look like you play sports”. I asked her for an interview and she agreed to it! She later followed me on Twitter and that made my day!
Right now, I’m on the train back to Asakusa (my home base). There’s a new YouTube video I’m working on. It’s about dating in Japan and what women do to get a man’s attention. I originally was going to talk about how both men and women get each other’s attention for dating but I had far more success with women than men. The low energy men were too embarrassed to talk about their love lives. This was before I found out it’s common here.
I guess I can make this a 1k subscriber special. I got everything filmed, I just need it translated and uploaded. I got a lot of footage so I’m very happy with that.
I came to the realization this morning I cannot afford to have writer’s block. I heard the creators of South Park say that and they’re right. If I’m a creator, I need to come up with some content. I also need to make stuff people want to see. I can’t be afraid to be transparent.
I think my lack of transparency goes back to my time in elementary. I used to run my mouth all the time and it either got me disliked, ignored, or in trouble.
Lately I’ve been asking myself ‘why’. Why am I busting my butt in video/media production when I’m not making much, if any, progress? I’m getting to know folks but me reaping the benefits has been slow. I will not do the same crap in my 30s. It makes no sense!
Sleep. I needed that. I woke up over what pissed me off yesterday. I was irritated to find if I wanted to interview Fruit, I would have to pay 50,000 Yen (about $500 USD). Bueno gave me some good reasons as to why I should do the interview.
He said I would have regretted not doing it, number one, and number two, I would miss out on other opportunities such as this and producers giving me props on my interview skills.
A few days of not writing isn’t good for me. I can have some me time but I run the risk of forgetting what I’ve done previously. So far, I successfully filmed a hostel and a rickshaw company. Both were done for free so I could increase content on my portfolio. I need to create a lot of variety so people can hire me. In addition to promos for businesses, I want to film documentaries, interviews, and showcase where I am at. Will from Ice Block TV does a great job of showing off businesses the way he does. What I will do is set up a film plan. I’ll take some notes on it but I will take this to the next level.
I could say my years of annoyance might come into play with this. Matter of fact, I’m reminded of when I first worked in media production.
18 and fresh out of high school, I had previous connections with a local sports production company. They told me they wanted me to work with them as a camera operator; they witnessed me filming for my high school’s basketball team. At that time, I really wanted to be a commentator. My passion for commentating came my sophomore year of high school. Originally, I wanted to be a photographer but it wasn’t working out for me so I decided to do something else.
One morning while waiting on the school bus, I decided to watch ESPN News. Highlight reels were fun to watch and the sports network in the 2001-2002 season had an interesting way of presenting sports. A year later, I discovered George Michael’s Sports Machine and I was sold on the idea of talking sports.
Fast forward to 2005 and the people at the company gave me the opportunity to commentate. You’re probably thinking, “Yes! He finally did it!”. You’re right, I did do it. Let’s go back a year before.
In my senior English class, a member of the varsity basketball team tested my sports knowledge. My senior English class witnessed an unforgettable roast session. It was good for them because they were being entertained. For me, it was a nightmare.
The man that roasted me was named Paul. He’s someone I had, and still have, a great amount of respect for. He knew how serious I (thought I) was about being a commentator so he tested my “knowledge”. He came at me with rapid fire questions and facts each time I was wrong. Correcting me wasn’t enough for him; he felt the need to embarrass me. I can’t remember the exact exchange after being questioned but the entire class was silent once the bell rang. I left the class with a lot of rage.
Thankfully, it happened during third period and basketball was in off season because throughout the fourth period, I was able to isolate myself. I stayed mad the entire time. The rest of the basketball team got word and made things worse. When it was time to go home, Paul followed me on the bus to calm me down…by giving me the truth. I wanted nothing to do with anyone so I blew him off each time he followed me. He even followed me on the bus to attempt to lift my spirits.
I went home and talked to my parents about it. They didn’t let me off easy and they showed no sympathy for me, especially mom. My dad is way more tact in his speech but my mom had no problem pointing out how bad I got exposed. What’s strange is their talk gave me clarity.
Back to my time in the commentator’s booth, I got exposed again. This time, I was able to catch myself in my weaknesses and I felt worse than the time Paul exposed me!
During college, I was a serious gamer and consumer of anime (Japanese animation). I often put those references in my commentary and it led to a lot of weird silence and passive aggressive corrections from my colleagues (for people that throw around the word ‘cringe’ this is what it really is). I know it’s a training program but I was surprised the producers didn’t give me grief for what I’ve done! On the contrary, it showed my personal growth.
At the end of the year, we had our annual awards ceremony. I won nothing outside of the participation award. I actually left the party at one point and cried it out. I didn’t want anyone to see me. After that moment, I decided to go on a sabbatical for about nine months.
In my attempt to work my dream, I annoyed and alienated the very people that tried to help me out. I didn’t care who’s foot I stepped on. I was ruthless. I wanted it that bad. Do I feel bad about it today?
Well…. I felt SLIGHTLY bad but not enough to let it rule my life. I was living with audacity.
Right now, I’m living on the edge. I’m risking getting arrested and deported to save money. I want to stay here longer. I got interviews I want to do and I got people to meet. Apricot has a show I must hit up. Pupil has an event I want to drop by at. Kris has a wrestling show tomorrow.
Yesterday told me everything I needed to know about doing business in Japan. Fruit’s manager asked me to visit him at his office for a consultation. We were discussing plans for the interview but there had to be some changes. The main change was the length of the interview. According to his boss, he thought my concept was “stupid”. I told him his boss was an “idiot”. Fruit was forced to unfollowed me on Twitter as a result of the bad business deal.
I think I’m over working with famous people overall. I go to them but they never come to me. Some of them like my content but I somehow feel they say what they say just to be nice. I don’t know nor do I care. Apricot sounded legit when she said she watched all of my videos on my channel (she said she saw my videos after my testimonial on her).
Last week, I finally had a chance to meet Baye and we had a great talk. I felt I fanboyed too much because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut! I really need to work on that. In fact, my mouth has either gotten me into trouble or kept me from getting what I wanted. I talked too much with Dante and last night and I talked over Pupil constantly.
The fiasco with Fruit’s agency caused me to lose desire to stay in Japan unless something else picks up. I might do California…no wait, that’s retarded. Well, it may not be. A month in Los Angeles probably won’t be all that bad if Q will help me. I trust his word more than anyone else right now.
I think today was the worst creative burnout I’ve experienced in my life. Today was the first time I realized that it’s okay for me to be human. It’s okay to rest. I have a lot of money saved up. I have no bills to pay. I… actually want to enjoy my life. I haven’t been able to for 12 years because society put unrealistic expectations on me. What’s worse is I allowed it to happen.
Today, I really wanted to break out of my creative shell and make what I do video-wise work. I refuse to go home and do what I’ve done before. I refuse to live the life I lived previously. I was serious when I said I’d rather die than work retail again. How can I expect to help others when I can’t do the same for myself?
I’ve made the mistake of using others fame to boost mine. They like the shout-out but that’s it. My net worth right now is worthless. I’ve made the mistake of listening to others that knew nothing. I made the mistake of not bringing value to myself and others. I made the mistake of not building myself and placing my faith in people instead of God. My mistakes are mine and mine alone. The best I can do is just let go and let God.
Thing is, I don’t know how to do that. I go to God but I don’t know how to let Him do His work in me. I do what I can to do His will but I end up in dead ends. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I only know how to make video/media work. I want to make money doing that. I want to break out of my shell. My annoyance in others to do this has been revealed.
No one cares. No one cares that I’m struggling. No one cares what I’m trying to accomplish. I may have to go another route. What it is, I do not know. I have a creative thirst that has yet to be fulfilled. I’m afraid.
Yes. I’m afraid of critics.
I think this is the first time in my life I’ve ever admitted to it. I am afraid of the general public. I am afraid of what they’ll say/do if I speak my mind. Their outspoken brashness on the internet has kept me from doing what I need to do.
I could be just paranoid and on Twitter way too much. Meh.
I think live streaming would be better for me. That and Youtube videos. Honestly, I hate filming documentaries. The Crucible of Necessity was fun but I don’t want to do that ever again. Pro streamer Aris said he treated streaming like a full-time job. It’s how and why EXBC are doing well. I have these ideas and inspirations but they do no good without any action behind it.
Right now, I’m tired of going to people. I want people to come to me. I am tired of annoying others to talk to me and nothing comes out of it. I talked to some big named people and I’ve used them!
Wait! Just thought of a conversation I had with my friend Krissy. Last month, I helped her with a project for this TV network in San Francisco. I took advantage of an opportunity by using their guest to give me an advantage. Doing that made her lose a lot of respect for me. This is an example of how not to make connections and keep them, it seems.
Yesterday’s blow up showed me I need to count my blessings. I forget I’m doing better than most people I know. It took coming to Asia to fully understand that my success comes from God. It comes from putting in good work. I’ve been too dependent on people for my happiness and success and it shows. When I do videos, I try to feature a big named person in hopes of making my name stronger. I’ve done this for nine years and it worked only ONCE!
The time I interviewed Korean dance group Waveya helped boost me a bit. Thing is, I messed that up by getting the translations wrong. Actually, that was minor because I fixed that. What made the leader not talk to me anymore was me constantly contacting them about doing something new. I think she had a feeling I was trying to use them to boost myself. My approaches were often ignored.
I am glad Bueno called me out on this last night. I’m going to avoid uploading on Youtube until I come up with a solid plan. My annoyance has gone on far enough.
I want God to give me a plan. I have got to go to Him. He should always be first on my mind. I must understand that in order for me to be who I want to be, I need to be more engaged. I’ve been phoning it in for years! I’ve relied on my annoyance and forcing others to let me do things with them!
Yes, I put in work. Yes, I go above and beyond. The problem is I fail to give it to God. I’ve been annoying people because I failed to put my trust in Him. I think it just became habitual to annoy others because it worked in the short term in the past. I never thought long term in my actions. I just wanted something right there. I got more than I wanted in Korea because I let things happen naturally.
I know I am hard on myself but I realize I can’t be that way. I think…I am hard on myself because I haven’t forgiven myself.
My annoyance towards others is how and why nothing gets accomplished. I mean, it’s temporary but there’s never a long-term solution to come with it. One person was so bothered by my annoyance, he literally led me astray.
January 2014. A guy I often talked to on the phone and social media, whom I’ve never met in person, told me he could get me work in San Francisco. He used to work for three different gaming companies so I was certain I’d get something. My parents had a bad feeling about it.
“He worked in customer service! He has no pull!”
I didn’t listen.
Our conversations led me to believe he could get me something. I’d call him often just to talk and I could reach him maybe once a month. I didn’t care because I was trying to get a job!
I fly to San Francisco, show up to the airport, get my bags and call him.
My entire trip, he never picked up the phone. Sent him messages on social media.
I walked around the downtown area and accidentally found one of the companies he said he could get me a job at.
No one knew who he was.
At that point, I was so mad, I literally talked to no one that day. I bought a plane ticket back to Texas.
I went home $600 poorer, with no job prospect, and very irritable.
The following week, he had the nerve to contact me afterwards and I cut him off.
I’m not mad at him anymore but this is a grim reminder to be really careful with who you associate with online.
Instead of talking about my flaws, I want to look at the great things I’ve done this year:
When I do something, I have to do it within the means of the medium. People watch YouTube for two reasons: to be entertained or to learn. My contribution to my channel is nothing but me bragging about how I know such and such. The Koreans React to Family Guy video worked because viewers are being educated about Korea and they’re being entertained by Korea’s reaction to that episode.
I have nothing else that has given people such raw emotions. I think my channel can work if I feature others more. But I’ll what about that in my idea book.
I’m starting to feel much better now. I went to another Stardom (pro wrestling) show and finally saw Kairi Hojo (now Kairi Sanai in the WWE) hit her famous elbow drop! Saw Kris and the rest of the foreign wrestlers and had our usual fun!
Yesterday, I decided to go home early. I was going to stay to see Pax and Ray but I said forget it and decided to leave. I need a mental break from video work so I’m going to chill at home and take a real break. I’m going to learn my craft, do things correct, and be the best media personality I know I can be. I made mistakes and I’ve done all I could to not make them again. The last year was me learning how to be known on the internet. I shouldn’t have expected to make a profit my first year but it’s okay.
I may hit up Los Angeles early to train with Q. I can’t wait for this! I was told it may not be good for me but God may say otherwise. I’ll have to listen to God’s voice on what I need to do next. Cali might be good for me. Korea in media might be good for me also.
Thought came to me this morning. My annoyance leads to being unwanted. Unwanted after people get what they want out of me. The reason why I was liked at my last job is because I kept my head down and was real. I did my job well. My time in Japan is the opposite because I talk too much.
I gotta start walking.
They say it takes two years to fully turn your life around. It has been two years this month since I first read Terry Crews’ book Manhood and Cernovich’s Gorilla Mindset but I’m still making a lot of mistakes. The difference now is I can recognize and admit to them. God put certain people in my life these last two years to call me out on my mess. I was called out for being too prideful. Attempting to use other people’s success to increase mines. Taking people’s hospitality for granted. I am legit trying to break these bad habits.
My mind has been under attack. My mind hasn’t been strengthened to deal with what I am going through. I’m stronger now than two years ago but I have to keep God first in all of this. Right now, I’m on the path back home for a visit. I plan on leaving Texas soon but for now, I’m in rest mode. I haven’t rested in 12 years. I mean real rest. No work. Just exercise, gaming, reading, and writing.
I remember reading this in Daigo Umehara’s book The Will to Keep Winning. In the peak of his professional fighting game career, he took many years off from the scene to focus on him more. While playing majhong and taking care of people in a clinic, he learned more about himself by putting a focus on helping others. He did that for four years until Street Fighter IV was released and he went back to being “the beast”.
I thought me interviewing celebrities was helping them. I don’t know how I came up with that conclusion. I was hoping to gain a relationship with them so I tried to buddy up to them and be some sort of asset. I…think I misinterpreted Cernovich’s “Live With Audacity” article. The person he featured is an artist. That wasn’t why she was talked about. She used her energy to look for Cernovich and has been in the public eye before. The person featured is a character herself and she has no fear of being who she is. She had confidence and it got people’s attention. What she does and who she is kept their attention.
My annoyance stems from fear. Fear of people. God has given me courage in all I do. I forgot it and I’ve put this invisible barrier around me to “get over it”. Sometimes that fear has turned into arrogance which has me taking people and my situations for granted. I’m too focused to the point I’ve ignored my needs. Cyrus just told me, “this is hard work so if it doesn’t count, there’s no point in doing it”. Kid you not, I actually feel better about what I want to do now!
I have this ability to talk to people with no problem. This power I possess is something not many people have and I squander it. I can’t be mad at myself over this anymore because it’s a waste of time and energy. Writing this down now is a confirmation to myself. I can safely confirm I have the power to get what I want. I just have to do a better job of putting it to use.
Growing up, I was very insecure about myself. I let what others have said about me get to my head. “Duck feet” and other names made me feel down. I wanted to do great things to show off that I was a good in my craft. One problem: no one cared. I was some guy that was always, “look at me now! How do you like that?!” I wanted to socially beat those that have done me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with me wanting to be a success and staying there. My methods and motives are what kept me from my destiny. I just need to get over my pride.
The first step to getting rid of a problem is to recognize it. The next is to confront it and put in the work towards overcoming it. My era is annoyance is coming to an end. This concept literally just came out of nowhere. Reading Baye’s book and studying his story telling methods gave me an idea.
I gave up a “comfortable” life at home to make an attempt at being where I wanted to be spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially. For 12 years, I did things traditionally and was constantly unhappy was a result. I’ve had moments of joy but they were few and far between. In 2012, I made the decision to come to Asia. The only mistake I made then was telling everyone my plans.
“How will this help you tomorrow” and other stupid questions were asked. I ignored them and did my thing. Early 2013, I hit a major stride with Waveya. Time goes on in and in early 2014, I decided to do the traditional thing and work at a TV station. Eight months of that and I went back home.
Yep, I’m back in Texas! I’m still learning a lot about how to deal with folks coming back and I’ve become less…sympatric towards others.
I love my family and I love my friends. However, I’ve grown to be very intolerant of lazy people and it has shown. I also recognize how fake people are. It’s always the same sad song:
[_We miss you, please come home! _]
make it home
[_Sorry, I’m too busy to see you! _]
I FINALLY realize that I do talk way too much (I said this already but right here is where it sank in…somewhat) Oh, and I put way too much trust in my acquaintances. These realizations are not bad because it’ll make my trip here easier to deal with.
My increased resistance to no longer being willing to wait on others stopped me from wasting too much time.
This recent annoyance happened because of the people that live here! The Metroplex has gone downhill over the last decade and my love for this city has gone with it.
It’s two something in the morning and I’ve had a hard time going back to sleep. Writing this is helping because I have so much on my mind. My goal while I’m here is to film a lot of footage before I leave. I don’t have to worry about bills or paying for a place to stay so I’m glad. My concerns include keeping my mind, body and faith right. Along with filming and increasing my capital.
I’m studying business again. Business sense. I’m also taking advantage of learning how to keep people interested in me. I can read people better now but keeping their interest in me is a challenge. Honestly, it’s kinda fun experimenting this. It’s keeping my ego in check and I can increase my capital. I can also work out how to get and maintain a relationship, business and personal, with others. I’m thankful God gave me the parents I have to help me out with this.
Been distracted lately. In the last day or so, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I messed it up with Fruit and her agency.
I think my id and super-ego are fighting each other to the death. More accurately, I think it’s my brain vs. my penis. Thankfully, my brain is helping me win this battle. As much as I like to do cool things with her and her friends, I know I can do awesome things on my own with my own friends.
Social media is bringing out the jealously and envy in me and I cannot let that consume me. That reminds me when I first used social media in 2005. I was in a position where I wanted to belong. I was in college and I was very…bored. I loved my friends and I enjoyed the days where we would fool around on game days but I needed something different.
Around that time, I used to hit up anime conventions. I’d leave home and go to Houston, Austin, or close by in Dallas. I wasted a lot of money and time doing this. I’d hit up these spots and always try to associate with voice actors. Here in Texas, we have many studios that do English dubbing for anime and video games. I knew the people in this industry and they knew me. They also knew what my presence meant for their weekend.
Back then, I felt this unhealthy need to be wanted. During that time, I was trying to fill this empty gap; no one wanted to associate with me because of who I was socially. It carried over to Korea and Japan also. Working with this one K-pop website based in Australia helped fill that void but it didn’t last long.
I’d annoy the voice actors to the point where they needed extra hands to keep me from them! Now that I think about it, that annoyance could be traced back to 8th grade! That was the first time I felt like an outcast in my own home!
At that time, I was infatuated with Asian girls and publically admitted my dislike for black girls. I was that way because I was sick of how badly they treated me for just being me; I wasn’t “black” enough to them. What’s crazy is the Asians treated me even worse! I didn’t care cause my infatuation was very strong that year. Thank God that I grew out of that by the time I went to 9th grade.
Back to the voice actors, I joined social media in 2005 and followed them on there. It got to the point where I wasn’t just a super fan, I was that ONE fan that had nothing better to do in his life than to just observe and attempt to associate himself with “elite” people.
Once again, everything with them boiled down to me not being happy with the way things were. It if sounds like an excuse, it is. Well, it’s half excuse, half legitimacy. Wait, that’s bullcrap, it’s an excuse.
Early 2007 saw the birth of my first YouTube channel. I figured since I knew these voice actors and I worked in media production, this would be perfect for me. That was the start of me living a nine year lie. My annoyance and cognitive dissonance turned a lot of people off. What’s worse, my mindset was still very narrow. My motive with these people became known through my actions.
In my mind, if I associated with these people, I could get a job somewhere. I was determined to work in media production but I didn’t want to put in the real work. In reality, I didn’t know what to do. A lot of what I “learned” back then was from my mentors, whom had a leech mentality. It wasn’t until my second time in Korea I realized I became the leech myself. An annoying leech with nothing to offer. It sounds like I’m being hard on myself and right here I kind of have to be. It’s good I recognize this so I don’t keep doing this over and over.
I legit spent my 20s doing the “right” thing in an awful manner. I’m looking at people I’m subscribed to on Youtube and I realized I’ve constantly tried to associate with “elite” people on this platform also! No wonder things have happened the way they have! Going back to social media, what I would do to these people was send them tweets on their wall and hope they would acknowledge me. This was a waste of time and energy. What am I bringing to the table?!
Habitual lines were crossed and I got away with what I could. This was done for so long because no one stopped me. I benefitted from this rarely. I was more in the way and less useful.
Wait, that’s half true. I was more…the useful idiot. Bueno recognized it instantly. I’d do amazing things but I was useful in the sense the “elite” would use me and then kick me to the curb once they got what they needed. Bueno calls this “being on the leash”.
Right now, I’m sick of being on this leash. I’m sick of being used and using others. I’m going to be so good at what I do, people’ll come to me. I have been either annoying, useful or both to many others. I’ve gone insane believing if I do what I’ve done previously, it’ll work the next time. I am done half-assing it. I am done with being used. I am done feeling like I want to be with “elite” people for the sake of doing so. I am finished with feeling like I need to belong. I am a child of God. I am fine. I do not need the things I want. I am open for improvement in my life but I am sick of watching people in the position I want to be and feeling inadequate. I’ve been living vicariously through other!
I’ve done amazing things in my life time and I still feel weak mentally and spiritually. It stems down to my surroundings but that’s an excuse. I now know what I need to do. I have a lot of personal issues that need to be resolved. I’m tired of being stuck in the past socially. I want to know what others want and build them. I have confidence and charisma. I need to use it! Some of what I’ve done and thought about applies to me and only me. I’ve been told I’m “interesting” or flat out weird and I’m cool with it. I’m not cool with being taken advantage of.
I got a great lesson in mindset yesterday. I can’t talk much about what happened but it was a legit life or death situation for me. After it ended, I was shaken up. My dad, however, was calm. I’ve seen my dad calm but never like this. He was on the verge of either getting seriously hurt or killed. By the grace of God, he only got a small laceration on his right hand.
My dad being calm in the face of death calmed my nerves and helped me to think clear. His calm kept me focused on the now so I could be better prepared for my future.
My dad’s calm transferred over to me and I feel fine.
The concept of fear clouded my mind yesterday.
Americans like to project fear on things that don’t matter. I was one of these people. Fearful of the unknown and/or unseen, this increased my annoyance to the max. From 2008 until 2014, I was at my absolute worst. I remember being the type of person that would project fear into others for not hiring me or for not allowing me to do things with them. *It all boiled down to me not shutting my mouth. *
This attitude came from the false sense of pride I had as someone who thought he could control everything. It also came from who I associated with. I was told how great I was and that no one could hold a candle to my “greatness”. The “problem” was real life. Reality said ‘hell no’ to my ego and it made sure to keep me in check. For my sake, I should have been kept in check. I was too determined to allow myself to be humbled.
Before I went to Korea the first time, an acquaintance of mine showed me an anime called “The World Only God Knows”. No idea what the show was about but she showed me a particular episode that put a heavy focus on (I think) a one-time character.
The character was a new teacher’s assistant and she was very energetic. She loved to talk and she loved pro wrestling. She was also very annoying. So much so, whenever she approached her students, they would run away from her. I can’t remember how the episode ended but my acquaintance made something clear to me: I shouldn’t be a teacher in Asia because the people there are very sensitive!
Kidding aside, my acquaintance’s passive way of telling me how to not interact with people humbled me briefly. I was irritated but three years later, it came full circle I was able to finally recognize that I can’t force people into doing things via fear. This year, it 100% sunk in how and why my projection of fear and strong arming people isn’t the best thing to do, period.
My dad and this election season, so far, has been a major factor in getting my mind right on this. Bueno kicking my behind helped, too, but my dad was the exclamation point. As of right now, I’ve gone fine days realizing my faults and took an interest in others. Oh, and being an asset. That really helps.
I think today, I hit another mental road block. Ego no longer rules me ([*ha!). *] Instead, I am thinking about what to do for my future. It doesn’t look like YouTube will be in my- wait, it just occurred to me that YouTube can’t be the end all to what I want to do! I REALLY need to stop judging things based on subs and views. I need to be broad in my approach!
Something else just hit me. Apricot told me she likes my videos because of my energy and smile. I need to incorporate that more. The only time I should be like YouTuber Korean Englishman… actually, I should not be like him. I need to be like me! Having subs is cool but high energy, being authentic, having something interesting to talk about, and humor works. If it’s informative by itself, it won’t work unless it is something serious.
If I can be even more honest with myself, I can say the core of my annoyance can come from my ego. My ego and not having someone knock me down. I remember the late, great comedian Patrice O’Neal talking to animator Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy and American Dad) about ego. Patrice said if Seth had a business partner, that partner would “slap the s*it” out of him if he thought he was bigger than his creations.
Yesterday, my dad, in his unique way, explained what happens when you don’t stick to the basics. What I mentioned earlier about my videos were basic. What my dad does in engineering is basic. For the things not so basic, it’s best to have a partner or team. Or someone that doesn’t mind telling it like it is.
This doesn’t mean I’m going out of my way to look for a partner. But it is good to know that doing it alone isn’t always good. On my quest to be less annoying without worth, I have to understand my own worth. Wait, I know my own worth! I know who I am and what I can do.
God got to me again last night. This time, it came from Twitter and sleep! Thanks to Bueno, I discovered a Japanese comedian named Kaori. I saw an action demo they did and it was awesome! After I saw her Hotline Bling parody, I followed her. The next day, I saw she did a parody of Todrick Hall’s video and I went in to flashback mode!
Todrick and I went to the same high school in Texas. When I first met him, I HATED this dude.
Last night, my conscious talked to me. It said, “Shaun, with what you’ve discovered about yourself so far, what do you realize with your previous interactions with Todrick?” and I said I realized I was jealous that he got what I wanted without hardly any effort.
“Why do you think that?”
Because he’s a genuine person with a pure heart.
“You developed that, too. However, your heart and his are different. His relationships and success were maintained due to not feeling the constant need to be loved. Yet, here you are trying to do the same thing for 16 years and you constantly fail. You see where I’m going with this?”
Yeah, I do.
“You’re still living in the past and you never realized it. You’re still hurt from how you were treated in the 8th[_ and now 10th_][_ grade. You were hurt so bad, there was a void left in your heart that you haven’t been able to fill. True love. You had your heart broken so bad, you’ve been looking for genuine love in the wrong places. Your methods were also very questionable. You fabricated your own kind of love; love from the flesh instead of from God. The love you used to get before you turned 14 was true love. From God and the people. When your heart was broken, you were never able to piece it together”._]
What you’re saying is I’m still hurt from the past and it has made me scared and caused me not to think.
“You’re almost there. You forgot lonely.”
“Think about it! Since you started high school, who did you associate with the most during freshman year?”
The varsity cheerleaders and the junior and senior women.
“Bingo! You got love that year because you were different. You were being you and you were filling a void. The next year, you lost it.”
I know where this is going…
“Enter Todrick. This guy was on the cheer squad and he disrupted your ‘groove’. You were nothing but negative to him your sophomore year. Junior year, you grew up and apologized to him.”
Why does Todrick come into what I’m dealing with right now?
“Because the way you’ve been acting lately is similar to how you were when you were 16. Not only that, you’ve wasted your time, energy, and now money trying to fill this void and you’ve been killing yourself. You think the way you’ve been with people in Japan was healthy? You’ve been fawning and trying to associate with people ‘better’ than you just so you could have a way to feel better about yourself! Your ego developed when you were getting attention. Not just with women but in your professional life too. Your ego caused you to fill that love gap and it was temporary; it was always hollow.
“You’ve become more of a fan of people because of the one time they were kind to you. Honestly, you feeling the way you do towards those people isn’t real. The things you would do to associate with well-off people wasn’t authentic. Everything you’ve done and your feelings were very fake! You want to seem cool with these people just to feed that ego. Make others like you for your fake connections rather than being the type of person others would want to associate with! You were trying to fill a gap. Overtime, you became difficult to love. The difficulty caused you to become forceful towards others. You became Mike Tyson in his prime. You tried to force people, established or not, to like you and like what you like. You were selfish. Your selfishness is your most annoying trait.
“That need for fake love went away the second time in Korea. You got real love from people. You were quiet and not trying too hard. You acknowledged others. You were helpful. You were not selfish. In Japan, you went back to your old ways. You were somewhat borderline obsessive like that lady that killed Selena!”
Yeah, I know what happened afterwards.
That conversation with myself came from a dream! After everything that has happened for the last three weeks, I’m glad to know this this now. I don’t feel bad. I feel like I can do what I’ve been called to do with no fear. God loves me. My family loves me. My real friends love me. I love me. Not in a vanity way, I really do love me.
I can’t get this love from the established people I meet. Not right away. It has to be build up. I’m very thankful God led me to Bueno, Fruit, and her manager.
It’s been a major blessing to be at home. I hated it at first but now I understand the benefits. I’ve had a lot of self-talk sessions and I found out a lot about myself and who I am.
These talks with my parents shown me who I really am. A lot of people have been rooting for me. I never accepted it due to my self-judgements. I always thought I was never worthy of praise because of previous mistakes. Earlier today, my dad said, “we all do stupid things. It’s what being human is all about”.
I should never judge myself based on my past and neither should anyone else reading this. I feel bad about my mistakes but they will not stick with me. I remember hearing rumors of a childhood friend doing something that made me lose respect for them. Looking back, it was stupid. I was judgmental to the point where my words annoyed the hell out of everyone.
Won’t lie, when I see Luke Cage, I see a lot of my dad in him. He gets attention by being stoic. Keeping the attention is another story. Writing this, along with my self-talk, has been the best thing for me this year. I don’t know what my life holds for me but now that I have a complete understanding of how to work with people, I can move forward. As long as I keep my previous mistakes to a minimum, I should be fine.
If you feel like you’ve been in my situation, know that you are not alone. We all have moments of being annoying. Writing this showed me how to be pushy instead of annoying. It sounds weird but hear me out. Here’s something from Cernovich’s book “MAGA Mindset”:
‘Pushing, more often than not, means finding out what the other person wants, not forcing them to accept what you want’
Me being an idiot and writing this out has made me feel better about being human. Overthinking is a barrier to overcome.
It’s 4 am. My brain wouldn’t stop shutting up about something else in me! This time it’s about trust. For many years, I’ve been a snake. In business and personally. It does not matter now nice I can be. It does not matter how good I am. If no one can trust me, how can I continue to work with people?
A teacher I had a very close relationship with stopped being my friend because I was a snake towards her and her family. My previous business partner from Missouri couldn’t trust me to do the projects right and I wasn’t clear on the price. None of my other friends want to visit me because I trick them without realizing it.
What Cyrus told me last night clicked with me this morning. I have to learn how to be trustworthy. It’s good to reflect on this now and I have to move forward.
A lot of these realization are showing how out of touch with reality I’ve been and am. My surroundings have shown me one thing but life said otherwise. Japan was a major wake up call.
Yesterday, I had a rough session with my parents on how to do consultations. Saw a lot of strengths and found things I needed to work on. Most of the work involved how I dealt with people on a personal level. It clicked when my mom stopped me for going straight to business without breaking the ice. This ACTUALLY happened last month in Japan!
When I met with Fruit’s manager, I wanted to go straight into business. Instead, he took it very slow. He broke the ice. He talked to me about his time in the United States and how he played college football in Philadelphia. It was interesting to hear a native Japanese man playing football in the states! He went on about his life and in my mind, I wanted to get down to business.
Talking with my parents, I failed to take notes. I also failed to listen!
This next thing has to do with something Bueno pointed out. Assumptions. I made some wild ones with both my parents consultation and with Fruit’s manager. I assumed I knew what my parents ‘business’ wanted; I assumed Fruit’s manager would let me interview her on account of me asking. Last week, Bueno told me a certain movie “sucked” and I asked him why he hated it. He said “it sucked”, not hated it.
I also wasn’t prepared. More specifically, having questions ready. This is Fruit’s manager and other people I’ve consulted with had notepads! Taking notes and having them will make or break the deal. The person you want to do business with wants to know if you’re serious. The notes you want are pre-packaged questions. Have them ready and you’ll be set.
Right now, I am in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Beautiful country, nice people, and a great place for media.
I am never living here. It rains way too much.
Nevertheless, me traveling right now has given me some insight on who I am as a person and professionally. Seattle was great and I had a chance to see some sights (Bruce & Brandon Lee’s graves and the needle) but I wasn’t able to get any revelations. I think my time in Seattle was just to relax before I got to work.
Yesterday, my post-Japan test in business began. I got a gig filming a video game-themed bar. Things were great until my dumbass said I would do it for free. When I am working with people, I tend to be either too nice or I rush things. I did both this time. At least my ability to negotiate better increased!
The client in question knew a lot about media production but he didn’t know the budget. He wasn’t the owner and I shouldn’t have expected him to have a price in mind. What I learned was if I am to conduct business, I have to talk to the person that will actually pay me. I acted in desperation again because I wanted work that bad.
My friend David (my host for this trip) was my saving grace. If he didn’t help me out, I would have been in worse shape. This is why having an accountability partner is beneficial.
Everything I’ve done this year was me getting an education. The things I’ve learned were things I couldn’t learn in university or even public school.
2014 was the start of me on the road to renewing my mind properly. The work never ends so I can only go up from here. Business wise, I am making progress at an excellent pace! Got over my rookie mistake and moved on. I’m sure if I experience these things again later on, they won’t bother me.They call it ‘growing pains’ for a reason.
I’ve been in Canada since Thursday and one thing I noticed is Vancouver is very relaxed. David told me to slow down my speech and I, all of a sudden, learned how to talk slow. I knew I had a bad habit of talking loud but coming across as speaking fast from a native speaker was a new one. Speaking of loud, I’m sitting in the ruckus room of a hostel right now. There are ZERO black people here!
Wait a minute… the moment I wrote this, a black guy just walked into the room! The blacks I’ve seen since traveling so far are from usually Africa and they’re on a family trip!
Wait! There were a few Black Americans around Tokyo! I saw one regular that looked like he lived there. I saw a total of two black men that came through my hostel. I saw five black women as well. Of them, four were dating or married to white guys; the fifth was actually with a black man! I saw way more Black Americans in Korea but a majority were women.
I met up with a few brothers and they’ve been excellent. One guy named Sterling has to be one of the most patient and chilled out person I’ve met. He’s an example of west coast chill. This guy was the only black guy I worked with when I was when Suwon.
I’ve learned a lot about keeping my cool from Sterling. I’ve NEVER seen him get angry. Me meditating, listening to smooth music, drinking tea, and learning to let go has improved (somewhat) this year. The hard things to let go of are things I haven’t experienced. The thing with K was new. I’ve never been in a situation where I was close to getting a client like her so I couldn’t see my ego getting involved. My issues with women no longer cause me to lose my cool so there’s that (bullshit!). People ignoring me no longer bothers me so I’m happy with that (again, more bullshit!).
Okay, I’ve been writing this for two hours and the mutha canuckers behind me are singing songs from Shrek.
I’m reading The Education of Millionaires and a thought came to me. I was thinking about my brother and how much potential he has. He’s improving and I hope all that he’s going through will force him to get better. I know he can do it.
The book also got me to think about the financial decline of Black Americans over the last 100 years. After slavery and before the Civil Rights Movement, black Americans contributions to this country have been fantastic. We’ve gotten crapped on through it all but it’s beside the point. Our growth happened because we did not ask for permission! We also didn’t ask for handouts! My great-great-grandparents generation had nothing to lose. They went all out and did what they needed to do to live. It was their country, too.
After World War I, we thrived in Tulsa, Oklahoma. We had businesses and an urge to help one other. Then bombing happened and the city got destroyed. Go to the library and search for info on the ‘Tulsa Race Riot’. We continued to build after that moment. However, our urgency to help our communities build just…died. The U.S. government intervened to “help” us but we’re not really seeing the benefits of it.
Atlanta, Georgia is considered ‘Black Hollywood’ but it doesn’t have the same sense of community and urgency to build like Tulsa did. The crime there makes matters worse. This is why I am against the movement Black Lives Matters. Where are they for these communities?
I will no longer be selfish in my endeavors. I’ve been taught to be a door mat (letting people walk over me). This wasn’t taught to me by my parents, but by society. “Sit down and shut up” was their mantra. After getting a dose of reality in the real world and reading books from people that know what they’re talking about, I feel readier. Ready to help others and ready to make a living doing so. David asked me an important question: how much are you worth?
The people I learned from in my 20s were leeches. They also didn’t see any value in themselves. Their motives were unrecognizable at the time. Yes, everyone has a motive but there’s a way one can go about getting it. These are basic skills black people not only learn but understand.
I learned more from my experiences and people in Korea, Japan, and the internet than my so-called mentors and “teachers” locally. I could be mad they contributed to wasting my 20s but that would be foolish.
On the contrary, my association with them was part of the learning process. Had I not worked with them, I would not have been able to recognize people like them in the future. I used to dwell on my lack but I finally understand how to appreciate what I have. Life seems to work out better when you show appreciation. I just hope my brother can know and understand this also.
Had an amazing thought last night. It was so amazing, I decided to make a video on it instead of writing it down! This thought has been with me for the last month and a half and it’s crucial to my growth. It’s called “Being the Cool Kid”. Growing up, I was often the ‘cool kid’. People always came to me due to having the better environment to play games. Other people had more or better games than me but coming over to my place was a big deal. Everyone I knew loved being around my family and I. Everything changed in 8th grade.
Around that time, I went through an identity crisis. I didn’t feel like the cool kid because of how often I was bullied. I felt this undying need to be ‘cool’ by being with people that were “better” than me. This carried over to high school, college, and even my first year in Korea! It came back during my two months in Japan because I wanted to get everyone I could on my YouTube videos!
This thought came to me in the shower yesterday morning. I knew this after Japan but I understood it yesterday. People already like me for who I am! I guess I needed proper validation and a reminder that I was fine just the way I am. Back then, the playing field was even. This time, everything’s different. I’m at the point where the young kids look up to me and I have to set an example. For people my age and younger or older, I still have to set an example. The bottom line to this is love.
Right now, I’m in San Jose, California. I am going back to San Francisco to work on sales and marketing and putting myself out there. I expect to fail so I’m going…wait, I don’t want to call it ‘failure’. I want to call it learning. Wait. I already learned this stuff! I need to apply what I learned and then get to an understanding.
This is what growth is all about. It requires these three basic things!
Walking through the streets of San Francisco showed me that everyone has information. Everyone knows something that could be beneficial to someone else. The only way you can get it is to simply strike up a conversation with them.
There are many ways to approach people for the first time. My method today was asking folks to review a script I’ve written to promote a shirt.
I was at a café writing the script and I asked random people to see if that would interest them. One guy said it was “too robust”. A lady on the train asked me great questions to make sense of my phrase. She said I should start with a question, give my personal anecdote, and bring it back to the viewer/reader.
I had no idea how to do so but that was possibly the best advice I’ve gotten in sales & marketing! That sounds just like those presenter videos! I learned this but I was able to understand it by taking action!
To learn a language, you have to constantly work on reading, writing, listening, and speaking. You learn the letters and spoken work of said language by listening and reading constantly. You have a better understanding by, you guessed it, writing and speaking!
When I started learning Spanish, I couldn’t comprehend the alphabet. Each day I was in class, my teacher asked me to rehearse it. The first couple of times frustrated me. Each day I did it, I improved.
This method works when wanting to learn lyrics to a song. Author and blogger Nick Kelly (fka Victor Price) of Bold & Determined mentioned this in his podcast. “You can listen to a song and have the lyrics down in your head but when you want to sing it, you get lost”.
How does this relate to what I did in San Fran? Without realizing it, I had no fear of talking to random strangers. I practiced this in Korea and Japan and it felt natural to do so in my home country. I could have gotten shot down but I didn’t let it stop me.
Everything I’ve learned started with action. The action I did was so powerful, many people don’t realize they have the ability to do so. The action I took was moving forward.
That’s all it is.
Put one foot forward and move.
I seriously understood how being in motion gets things done. However, when doing this and getting to the goal, one has to start small. You can’t expect to lift a 50-lb. dumbbell without starting with a 15-20-lb. dumbbell. In video games, you can’t fight a level 20 boss at level 5. Going through the motions and building yourself up is the key to success.
I built up my skill in talking to random strangers by forcing myself to talk to them. I started off small by teaching new students weekly. I then leveled up by going to language exchanges. Finally, I improved on it by forcing myself to talk to people in major cities.
Life is about going in motion and making mistakes. Rejection is awesome!
It’s my 31st! Happy birthday to me! God saw fit to wake me up at 2 am and this thought has been running through my mind. Over the weekend, my mom harshly reminded me that my brother was trying his hardest to warm up to me. I crushed his heart in front of the family. What she didn’t know was he reached out to me earlier in the week and I accepted it. True, I was a bit harsh in not letting him come with me to my friend’s gathering but I had a good reason. I know I can be harsh at times and it’s something I need to work on.
My conscious wouldn’t stop nagging me about it. The thought process helped me realize something very necessary. It showed me I do what my brother does when he wants something from me. Let’s go back a bit.
You already know I get people upset. People I need to make a connection with, that is. Either a business contact or friend. I refer back to my Larry David example. In “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, Larry’s character had a habit of making a situation worse. He had good intentions but his execution was questionable. In addition, he could be selfish. This is (or was, for me) my brother and I’s worst habit.
Whenever I get someone upset, I’d try to get back to them only because I saw them as a meal ticket. It never worked. I saw my brother as a meal ticket and I tried to force respect out of him (this is the other reason why I didn’t want him to come with me). How can I expect him and others to respect me when I don’t respect myself and others?
I hate when people waste my time yet I do the same to them. I felt my brother was wasting my time with him trying to get close like he did. Either that or trying to get something out of me while I got nothing in return. The methods my brother used on me were methods he [_learned _]from me (unintentionally).
If I want people like Fruit, her manager, Bueno and others I’ve upset to not be mad at me, I have to learn how to be genuine with my family and true friends first. I still want to connect with my brother but I have to have love in my heart before I can consider going further.
Yesterday, I decided to pack up. I don’t have a major destination but something compelled me to just think about what I need to take with me. I’ll either go back to California or Korea. I need a reason to NEVER come back home. It was great to visit but I can’t stay here. I have my brain, nuts, and guts to get me where I need to as long as I do it every day.
I thought about making what I do all in one. Show how great I am in media, behind and in front of the camera.
Yesterday, I was trying to plan out my next year. I told Q what I wanted to do and he pointed out that I was burnt out. The talk was very similar between Bueno and I before I left. This time, Q was far more tact in his speech.
Mostly what will be written today will be me getting out all of the advice that has been given to me this year.
What I’ve done has been great in making sure that I stay on task. The new things I’ve done this year were massive compared to 2015. Then, I was just coming back to north Texas to reassess myself. I worked at a TV station the year before and was learning and struggling. 2015, I made the decision to focus on my business. While studying, I worked as a substitute teacher at my old school.
I used that time to study while looking for a job. Only one opportunity came that year. I applied, did the phone interview and got denied. I had a client for a major survey site but I lost them because I wasn’t paying attention. She was salty about the last project we did and she found someone else. I didn’t read her e-mails properly and I kept messing up. I hated losing her as a client but she helped me get to Korea.
Prior to that, I was in New York City for a death in the family. I hated that trip. I knew no one and I didn’t have the guts to set boundaries. I missed out on an opportunity to work at Viacom (a blessing in disguise). I met my extended my family and understood the importance of setting boundaries so that’s a plus. Besides, living in New York would have sucked anyway.
After NY, I went back to Korea to teach. I instantly went to work on creating content for my YouTube channel. This time, just made whatever. I called it Pop Over Asia and I wanted to put a focus on the pop culture aspect of Korea and Japan. I didn’t realize I was legit copying off of other YouTubers.
Wait, that isn’t 100% true.
I was trying to figure out my own style. My thing was if I could get a big named YouTuber on my channel, I can get lots of views and subs. It was wrong 10 years ago and it’s wrong now.
Fast forward to January 2016.
A month prior, maintained a habit of releasing content on a daily basis. One thing that really helped me that month was the American animation series Family Guy. They did an episode on Korea and I made a reaction video to it. To this day, it’s in the 200k views range (probably higher as of this reading). It bothered me for a while that I couldn’t get any other videos there again.
February, I did a thing called “29 Reasons” which was 29 days of why people should travel/live in South Korea/Japan. Speaking of, in March, I did a Tokyo special. I went back and got involved in a lot of great things! From meeting Pupil and Apricot to being on network TV, I had a great time there! Seeing my friends from Texas was a major bonus!
From April to July, I hit a low point. I wasn’t getting past 1k subs and my videos were lacking. I was getting crazy discouraged and I didn’t know what to do. My problems increased by asking everyone and their mother on how to be a better YouTuber. Right there, I understood why it wasn’t a good idea to talk to everyone about my problems. My dad said that to me for years and it made sense for the first time. Everyone has unique situations to solve problems; not everyone knows how to handle a situation like mines. This was a bad habit I developed while trying to work out personal problems and it went into my professional now.
In June, I made the decision to change the name of my channel to Shaun On Site. Pop Over Asia wasn’t personal and I went away from what the channel was all about. I started picking up steam again and I was having fun. I made it to 1k subs in October and I wanted more. After my fiasco with K, her manager, and Bueno, I came home and all of a sudden came up with a concept for my channel.
When doing YouTube, you must have a main theme. It’s like cable TV; it has to be something people are interested in seeing. In October, I decided to make Shaun On Site about me sharing Korean/Japanese things to Texans and Texas stuff to Korea/Japan. As time went on, I decided to make it about my family, friends, and I. Might change as time goes on.
While traveling to the west coast, the video I shot with Josh got a lot of views! I think it takes YouTube a while to recognize certain videos but once it went out there, it spread like a wild fire! All of what I learned and understood by being in motion is coming together so fast!
These days, I’ve been fighting with myself on what to do next and how to do it. All of the advice I’ve been given is great but I need to stay centered and focused on what God needs me to do. Like Bruce Lee said, my cup is full; I need to empty it out. I need to clear my mind of all I learned and do what’s best for me.
All of the advice is great but I need to figure out how to execute. 2017 is coming up and I do not have a of time left. I know in my heart what I want to do. However, I want to meditate on God’s word to be sure if it’s what I need to do. I want to do YouTube. I want to make pro videos for businesses. I want to do live streaming. I want to be a producer.
I love being in front of the camera as well as behind it. I really want to change up my website to focus on all three. I also want to write blogs/make vlogs to get people interested in my words. I’ve done these things, I just need to live it. I’ve made money doing all three so I need to stick with it and just do it!
My issue prior to this month was still thinking I owe debts. I paid off my student loan and car note in January of this year! How many 31-year-olds can say that?! I got money saved up! Honestly, Korea is my best bet. In my heart and in my gut, I feel that Korea will be the place to start my business. I understand if I were to make connections, I will have to actually follow up properly. I know how to meet up with people.
I have faith and trust in God. He’s my provider. He’s given me the tools to take care of my business but I need to act on what I know. I cannot be afraid to move forward. I cannot lose my way. I can accept failure, I can accept setbacks but I cannot accept not trying. Not trying, not doing, being too nice, and listening to everyone will only allow me to survive and not LIVE.
Everything I’ve dealt with: family, friends, and situations trained me for this moment. Opportunity does not come like this for many. I am indeed free. I need to act like it.
I think I was just salty at the fact in the back of my mind, I’ve always wanted to grow but didn’t. I let too many outside influences direct traffic instead of listening to God. I want to experience the west coast and learn from the best. If I go, I better offer up my time to be an asset. I’m glad I’ve read what I read and learned and understood what I could. I know how to act upon it based on what I’ve actually done.
I’m not afraid to fail anymore. I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. I learned a lot from the books I read this year. I used a lot of the teachings and they worked!
From “Choose Yourself” by James Altucher, I learned how to not put a focus on others and concentrate on me. The old way of thinking no longer applies today. This was understood when I made attempts at starting my video/media business. I understood there’s a need for what I can do.
“The School of Greatness” by Lewis Howes taught me how to create a business through having capital. It was understood when I met Adrian, Bueno, and Baye this year. Each were well known and were trusted due to how much they’ve contributed.
“Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me” by Mindy Kaling taught me everyone has to start interning. It was understood when I opened myself to learn from those living better than me.
“Presence” by Amy Cuddy taught me how to be the type of person that’s strong spiritually. It also taught me how to not be too pushy. It was understood when I went to this dance studio to film unannounced only to find that I can’t do things like that.
“Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi taught me the importance of community. It was understood when I failed to follow up with people. I had a habit of being extremely conditional with people and that was toxic.
“Talent is Overrated” by Geoff Colvin taught me that it takes more than being good at whatever to get where I want to be. This was understood when I met K-pop singer Hwang Eun-Sun. She was a contestant on this popular show called Produce 101 (season 1). She didn’t make it into the finals but she was popular enough to go the solo route. It wasn’t just that she was good and physically attractive; she had a great attitude and constantly pushed herself to be the best entertainer she could be. Her speaking English also helped.
“Poke the Box” by Seth Godin taught me how to take the initiative. This was understood by me actually making the changes without asking for permission. I got a much better understanding of this after interview pro gamer Justin Wong. He was raised in a “strict Asian house” and played games professionally without his family’s knowledge for years!
“Rework” by Jason Fried and David Heinemeir Hasson taught me the typical way to work in this era was phasing out. This was understood by studying millionaires and their actions on what they’ve done to make it. It was also understood when I as making money from my internet work.
“Call me Ted” by Ted Turner taught me how to experiment and how being in motion creates ideas. Experimenting was understood by working on my YouTube channel. Being in motion was understood through Victor Pride/Nick Kelly and by me leaving my comfort zone. Being in Japan and traveling to the west coast gave me new ideas and helped me understand how and why moving is great not only for the body, but for the mind also.
“Who Owns the Ice House” by Clifton Taulbert and Gary Schoeniger taught me regardless of my skin color, people have a demand for certain things. It also reinforced what I learned from Cernovich on how and why having a strong mindset is beneficial. This was understood in Japan greatly! I had a consumer mindset instead of a producer mindset. In Korea, Sam Okyere is the most popular black man in the country.
“” by Derek Padula taught me the importance of knowing cultural differences. It was understood when I interacted in Japanese and Korean special events. Each country has a special of cultural rules that outsiders need to respect. The phrase “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future” gave me a better undertstanding of how to grow myself thanks to good company.
“Hi! My Name is Loco and I’m a Racist!” by Baye Mcneil taught me how years of indoctrination can shape my future. This was understood my second trip to Korea. I had to get rid of my old thoughts to adapt to a new place.
I read so many more books but this is my time to mentally drain everything in 2016.
This year was the best year with the opposite sex. I experimented and found that not treating women like they’re princesses works in my favor! Not fawning over them; not allowing myself to get duped by them because they’re ‘sweethearts’, and not always agreeing with them works in my favor! My dad gave me advice on how to interact with women when I was younger. Thing is, his advice was outdated. The old-school absolutes work but I had no clue how to do it! My lack of confidence was my downfall. Being a tease didn’t work in my favor, either.
In Asia and even coming back home, I saw there was nothing wrong with me. I stopped being pushy and I kept myself a mystery. There was a lady I met right before I left Seoul that wouldn’t stop asking me for my date of birth. I refused to tell her each time she asked. She threatened to leave and I said to her, “Fine, I’ll go have dinner with those two girls sitting on the other side”. She was shocked and said I “wasn’t supposed to tell [her] that”. I called her bluff and she stayed for another two hours.
Who I am spiritually has changed. The readings I’ve done on mindset has reflected my understanding of God’s word. A lot of what He said reflects on our minds. Joyce Meyer (mega church pastor) has a book called Battlefield of the Mind and it makes even more sense now! With regards to manhood, I understand the mindset of biblical men and how they got through their trials with God.
Hours have passed and I feel fantastic. Shortly after writing that long passive, I meditated in my closet in the dark for about 25 minutes. In my mind, I was able to have a conversation with my conscious. For the first time in probably two years, my mental cup has emptied. Bruce Lee said to empty my cup and it has been emptied. I was able to think clear on what I want and need to do with my life.
The meditation session showed me that I got a lot of great info. Problem was I got too much of it; I had information overload! My mind was clustered. Much like my dresser, I have a lot of clothes but they’re not properly filed and folded.
I had an employee-mindset instead of an entrepreneur mindset. The book The Education of Millionaires introduced this concept to me. I thought like someone that felt the need to buy instead of selling.
In order for me to keep the groove, I need to play the role of someone that is doing something for the first time. I will be on site in a location and try it out. I have an idea, I just need to do it.
This year has been incredible. I made sure to maintain discipline to better myself.
I’ve done two 30-day challenges successfully. The first was one video a day and the other was to do 100 push-ups a day. Every now and then, I do my push-ups. I can see it in my arms and chest! I need to get back to doing my squats and sit ups to work out the rest of my body.
If I want to improve, I’ll have to study from the best. When I go back to Korea, I’ll have to research the people I want to learn from and give them my time and skills in exchange for knowledge.
I’m glad I now know that all I do has to come from giving and serving. It also comes from being good at what I do. Staying at home is not an option! Serving God and being the best at what I do is high priority.
Right now, I just told myself to stop overthinking the things I wanted to do and just do it! I must act in the now! Not for tomorrow! NOW!
The little things make a world of difference. Still got more to take care of but my time is used for my gain. Right now, I’m reading “Sun Tzu: Strategies for Selling” and something hit me. I understand why absorbing EVERYTHING I learn isn’t good. You become overwhelmed! Some of what I learned from Q is helpful while some of it isn’t. This applies to everyting else, outside of the Bible.
This thought was confirmed in the Sun Tzu book. The authors say to go to seminars and learn what’s useful. I did this often in 2016 without realizing it! The only thing to consider was how to learn and understand whatever it was I was studying. Found out this weekend the next thing to learn & understand how to serve without conditions.
I saw this awful anime in English called Green Green and it reminded me of my much younger days. I won’t go into detail of the story but there are these three characters who are some of the biggest losers. These dudes go all out just to get a girlfriend and act on their fetishes and I saw a lot of me in them!
Their common flaw was their serious lack of reality. They legit believed in not giving these girls personal space, giving them gifts, and reading books by questionable authors on dating would give them the advantage. Just know that no girl in the series gave them the time of the day.
Meanwhile, the main male character was getting girls without doing much. What was he doing right? He was a guy that was just unconditionally genuine and wasn’t afraid to tell it how it is. This doesn’t include the main female character that’s insanely love with him!
In 8th grade, I did two of the three things those losers did. On Valentine’s Day, I gave this one girl I crushed on a rose. This girl could not stand me! In fact, my dad STRONGLY advised me to not do that. We ended up having a huge argument the next day; I felt entitled to her love but embarrassed me. This is where the whole me not giving her space comes from. It never crossed my mind why she liked ‘bad boys’. For months, and years afterwards, I was pushing a rock up a very steep hill.
What myself and many young boys and men went through is quite common. Once upon a time, it wasn’t always like that. How did the game get switched? I don’t have the answer but I have an idea how most boys grow up to the be the type that will do for a woman. Before you get into a fit and thinking I’m being misogynistic, read on.
One could say that a serious lack of male guidance is one of the case. A lot of young boys grow up in a household that lacks a strong male leader (this wasn’t the case for me but keep reading). A lot boys have only their mothers to talk to on how to attract a woman. Men, we go for the kill. I witnessed this in Japan. There, the men are expected to go for it while women give attention. In reality, it’s been flipped. The men are NOT going for it while the women are readily accepting any man they can get.
Another diagnosis is how the media portrays certain male characters. You see this often in media where boys will do ANYTHING just to be with a woman. The hit TV show Family Matters was the worst show for my generation for this exact reason. It was entertaining and taught the value of family, but the character Steve Urkel was a terrible role model for viewers not like Eddie, Waldo, and even Stefan (Steve’s sexy alter ego).
Steve had a major infatuation for Laura Winslow. He often went in for the “kill” but he was often shot down. Laura declined Steve’s nice guy™ advances (things like often talking about how beautiful she was) and instead went for bad boys. He even bought her a wedding ring in the early seasons! In the much later seasons, after being tired of all the bullcrap from good for nothing men, she finally settled for Steve. That entire show set the narrative that no matter how hard you attempt to get out of the friend zone, you’ll eventually get out if you don’t give up.
Most males don’t realize (or understand) it’s very easy to get out of that zone. How so? Just go to another girl! In 8th grade, I kept myself in that zone with this one girl and never bothered to look around. I often ignored other girls who legit wanted me. I didn’t have what my dad calls “the eye”.
There’s this old saying: happy wife, happy life. Most young boys witness this growing up and believing the best way to keep a woman is to be responsible for how she feels. My own antics to make a girl feel special and have her in a great mood all the time put her in a foul mood often. Boxer Ed Latimore once said, “When we try to make ourselves likable, we become more unlikable”. Recently, my mom even said she likes to be challenged!
Last week was amazing. I went to the Adult Video Network Expo in Las Vegas! It sounds contradictory that I went to an adult film convention but I went with a purpose.
Adrian, a cool dude I met in Japan, got me a press pass to this event! Him and another American that lives in Japan named Austin were the guys I spent time with.
If you recall, back in October and November, I dwelled on how bad I messed up with Fruit and her manager. To my surprise, they were both actually happy to see me! Fruit’s manager caught me off guard and called me out! “Hey! Shaun! What’s up, brother?!”
I apologized to both Fruit and her manager for how I was previously. Without a second of hesitation, they blew it off and thought it was “no big deal”. Fruit told me, with the sweetest smile, “the growth was all you! I did nothing at all”. I was very thankful for those two because dealing with them unlocked what was missing in my consulting skills. Fruit and I sealed the deal with a picture and the interview I was longing to do with her.
The next Japanese adult star I met was Julia. I’ve heard of her but I wasn’t too familiar with her. Regardless, she was fun to talk to and she was an overall sweetheart. She always had a smile on her face and she had a very positive vibe around her. We couldn’t speak much because of the language barrier but that didn’t stop us from having a good laugh and taking a few photos together.
Pupil and I saw each other once again. This time, she felt more relaxed. I never knew how quirky she was outside of Japan! Her willingness to learn English and get better at it every day has greatly impressed me. Just for fun, I taught her black handshakes and we even talked about the French comic she’s in called “Last Man”. It’s a REALLY GOOD SERIES! The animated version just came out so I’m excited to see it!
Of course, Apricot was there. She may have quit the industry months ago but she was asked to come as a guest. Throughout 2016, she’s been in movies (in theatres), dramas, released an album, and is featured in the hit game Yakuza 6. This woman has a killer instinct to not only be a success but to stay a success. Most women in Japan quit adult work and do hardly anything afterwards. Apricot gave the norm the middle finger and has been thriving. I finally had a chance to interview and it flowed so well. I kept it simple and talked to her about her career post-adult work.
I didn’t lose my composure around these attractive women and it shows how far I’ve come when interviewing people. Later on, I did feel like I was too professional. I wanted to do more but I was on a strict time schedule. Looking back at the film showed me where I was strong at and where I can improve at.
One thing that stuck out at this event was me getting over my porn addiction. Not once did I see any of the performers as a piece of meat. I carried on conversations with them like they were regular people and it felt very rewarding. The ladies I chatted with had great things to talk about and we bounced off of each other very well. It’s been easier to talk to people like I’ve known them for thousands of years.
I talked to a star from Australia that built a brand off of her name and body and hearing her talk was like listening to a seminar! If there wasn’t a line behind us, we probably would have talked for hours! She seemed engaged in business and real life talk as opposed to only her body.
Right now, I’m in a café in Seoul writing this. I got an apartment in the neighborhood of Sinchon. I’m looking to put forth the effort in making my YouTube, Twitch, and professional video work happen. Everything that has happened from my first entry until now has been a journey. I started with high ambition, experienced harsh failures & learned lessons, a mental breakdown, recovery, redemption, and a renewed spirit to do and be better.
Whoever is reading this is probably experiencing what I’ve gone through these last couple of months. Just know you’re not alone. I wrote this because someone gave me the great idea of speaking and writing my way to the answers. If you find yourself stuck, write out what is bothering on or talk to yourself (in private). You’d be surprised at what you discover.
Here’s a quote I just found on YouTube: Ego can be a very huge barrier to learning/improving – Xerclipse
I think being specific in my prayers was a lot more effective this week. I can’t remember where I read it or heard it but doing so helped make what I wanted come. God is so good! I finally heard back from the hostel that wanted my videos but they decided to play the “our boss is busy” bullcrap. I went over her head and talked to the hostel owner that helped me out. I haven’t heard back from her since last week but I’ll be darned if I’m going to let traditional and cultural bullcrap ruin what I’m trying to do here.
In a stroke of good blessings, a brother man I met last week introduced me to another brother doing business here! I don’t know the major details yet but I’m keeping my options open. I cannot afford to limit myself!
Something interesting happened this week. I changed my way of speaking and writing. I read an article that talked about American English vs. World English. Before Korea, I constantly used idioms and spoke fast. My Korean students and co-workers often complained about the way I spoke; I had a “hip hop” way of speaking. Korean spoken English is very direct. To westerners, it’s seen as rude. Koreans don’t see it as rude. The very same can be said for other non-American English speakers.
I’ve stopped using filler words in my speech and writing because of time. There’s so much that can be said in fewer words. It’s taken practice but it’s really effective. In the Korean language, saying “give me sugar” directly is proper. The same in Japanese and Spanish. American English has too many filler words that sound either too smart or too polite.
Pardon me for interrupting you but can I have some of your sugar on that table please? – American English
Give me the sugar please. – World English
This’ll be practiced until it comes natural. We’ll see how well this’ll work in business.
So far, progress in connecting has gone up. The guy I met my first week helped me get connected with the black business owner. I’m REALLY happy to see black American business owners do their thing. I’m not 100% sold yet but we’ll see when I meet up with them tomorrow.
I met up with my New York friend that owns a taco shop here and he suggested I buy some ad space on Facebook. I wasn’t too interested until he said it got him a lot of customers. For a food place, I understand. I don’t know how it will work for media production.
Lately I’ve noticed a trend: whenever I want to see certain friends, they play the “I’m busy” card here. I already talked about this when I went back to Texas.
Usually when this happens, there are one of two things involved. One, the person is building themselves and they do not want anything to get in their way. The person is working towards and achievement and they’re kindly telling others to “go away”.
The other thing could be the universe telling us to focus on ourselves. We have something we know we need to work on and life is doing us a favor. I’m not making money so I should be more focused on that.
Read some articles from Wall Street Playboys. One was on setting goals and the other was on how to write a journal. I’m glad what I read is stuff I’m doing now. I’m being specific in my experiences and I’m using simple English to get to the point. Today, I’m going to see my Korean church family for the first time in five years! I’ll play catch up and I might even live stream from there!
Speaking of streaming, I’ve been streaming on a regular basis again. I got 10 new followers within a week and a $7.25 donation. I come to Korea with the intent to stream and make videos for businesses.
Wait, something just came to me. While playing fighting games, I noticed my mentality towards them changed. In 2011, I took fighting games too serious and often got frustrated. Last week, I lost many matches and didn’t get upset. What happened? I learned to take those losses as lessons.
I hung out with many great people within the FGC (fighting game community) my second time in Korea. Watching them play, talking to people willing to help, and willing to learn helped me play better. Practice mode is good for learning new moves but players get better when it against real competition. The same can be said for real life. I read books and act on what I’ve read. Through action, I’ve gotten better in negotiations and consulting. I wanted to learn how to be better around women. I read blogs, watched videos on how men interact with women, and took action.
All I’m saying is who I am now is due to who and I what I exposed myself to. I’m not gonna sit here and say that I’ve master or perfected this but I’m happy with the current growth I’ve noticed.
Finally had a chance to meet up with Marv (the black guy I met my first week here). We had a sit-down meeting and it was great to see his passion and ambition for success. We talked about his vision for a music video and I liked his idea.
It’s been on my mind that my selling skills are terrible. It’s hard for me to get it down because I’m still learning. I’ve been editing for 10 years and I’ve had only four clients total.
Wait…let me write this differently!
I had clients! Not many in my position can say that! I got clients because I changed my style! Glad I caught myself talking down on myself. The struggle today will be worth it tomorrow!
Anyway, I have to make two reels. Keep it simple! One for the website (2-3 minutes) and one for 60 seconds! I need to sell myself and be about the business. Been here almost a month. So far, I’ve planted seeds and that’s great. Those seeds won’t sprout if I do not take care of them. Keeping in constant contact with my connection is watering them. Helping them is giving them new soil every once in a while. This was my issue. The best marketing is human connection.
Apricot talked about this in an interview in 2013. She said “time” was the most important thing.
Today was very productive. Finally had a chance to talk to Marv’s friend Von and get more out of him for this Sunday’s meeting. I also did live streaming again. The internet at my goshiwon is garbage but at least something worked. I just hope the next place I go to will have better internet. I want to do more live stream and mukbangs at home. It boggles my mind there’s a place in Korea with bad internet. This isn’t the time to worry about that. My focus is on being better today than I was yesterday.
If I hadn’t met up with Von, I would have bought a ticket back home. Wait, no I wouldn’t have. I would have gone back to my old job. Anyway, I have to do more than one thing. I never know what each thing might bring to me. I’ve been exercising my faith. I believe had I got back to teaching right here, I would have disrespected God. He has a plan for me and I cannot turn my back on it. I kept telling myself, “it’s this or slavery”. My 20s were spent working as a slave to others. I’m in my 30s. I will do what it takes and go where I need to maintain my freedom.
I had a coaching seminar with Q today. This guy’s the salt of the earth! He took time out of his day to help and coach me where I’m strong and weak at. He said I improved in some areas. He gave me homework and I’m doing all I can to work it out. I charged too low. I at least know how I can set up… excuse me determine how to charge people. I can do so much for folks but I have to work on myself first.
Just finished a four-hour stream session. I learned something from my stream monsters: do not get mad when a stream raid happens. It’s harmless fun! I see how it is now! I gave my viewers some wisdom and had a lot of fun with it.
I’ll have to do better eating right. My eating habits haven’t been the best since being back. I gotta eat better and go back to the gym. I’ll buy another book for my calorie log. Do fitness also. Track my progress. I’ll go one step further and take pictures. Thing is, I gotta go out there and do it! Take action like I always say!
Contacting my parents at least once a week or every other week would be best. Let them know my progress and be on my way.
Tomorrow, I finally get my first paid gig!
Had a realization: I need something to sell! I can sell my videos but it’s difficult to sell that alone. I need a product to sell to Koreans. The best I can do is look for someone that can distribute t-shirts. Or, I can create a product of my own for both Koreans and foreigners.
Outside of that, I had a great week on Twitch. Got a lot of followers and donations. I find as long as I do not beg, I’ll be fine. I tell people if they want to invest in me, they get something in return.
After three months, I finally I hear back from my friend C.C. She experienced burn out and wanted to relax. I broke one of my rules and chased after someone. If she wanted to tell me what was up, she would have done so…which she did. This taught me something: let people come to you. I remember going to people during my teens and 20s. It didn’t work out all that well. When I create something, or be someone great, people come to me.
Today was the most productive I’ve been since being here. I filmed a seminar on a new camera! That camera worked very well! There’s just one problem: I need a lot of memory to work it! I run Windows on my Mac but I can only run a maximum of 4GB of RAM. I need to learn Final Cut Pro to do this right. It would be nice if my computer stopped acting foolish when I need it to work.
I was somewhat productive today. That’s a bad start but whatever. I uploaded two videos on my YouTube channel and worked on my paid project also. Learned a lot about working on this new commissioned work: my computer can only handle so much with a certain format. I found a work around but it’s tedious and the quality dips. I tried to use Final Cut Pro X but it was very annoying to work with. FCPX is my least favorite editing program.
I was going to be hard on myself but then I remembered I like keeping a winning mindset. I’m addicted to winning. I win by serving others. Just now, one of my friends from Italy called me up. She needed a verbal boost. Helped her out and that was that.
Yesterday I had to troubleshoot a problem with a certain format. I’ve done media for 10 years and I keep forgetting the basics. Well, I can sit here and complain about it or I can do something about it. I choose the latter.
Literally all I did yesterday was edit video. I haven’t binged like that in a very long time. I probably shouldn’t do that again but I need to make money. The project I’m doing is the first paid gig since being here. I’ll gladly do 12 hours of editing a week just to make a living here.
This is a great starting point for me. Where I’m at now is much better than where I was years ago. Everyone says 2016 was bad because a bunch of celebrities died. I feel the opposite because I grew. I don’t know those people and while it sucks that they passed away and their family and friends lost a loved one, I can’t waste time thinking about how much they “impacted” my life for too long.
When I made the decision to be a winner, my life changed. I’m glad my former co-workers didn’t hold it against me. I never hung with them all that often but we had a lot of respect for each other. I feel respect is something that’s lacking in our society. I’m one to talk about this because I used to never give it, only demand it. Everyone I meet these days, I try to respect. If they give me disrespect, I walk away. Last month, I was given respect for my live stream. I gave respect back and I’m working with a business man. I’ve given a certain southern YouTuber respect and she’s given me some in return.
Right now, I’m rambling. Some days, I just need to dump my mind. I noticed the less I call home, the happier I am. When I first came to Korea in 2012, I always called. My brother did the same when he was in California. If I have kids and they move out, they’ll probably do the same too.
Woke up with a new thought. The thought said to not abandon those that trained me in the past. Especially those with with good intentions. In college, I had many mentors that I trusted. Most of them took advantage of my youth, willingness to learn, and skin color to exploit me. One such incident happened in 2007.
My good mentor from my sports production days introduced me to a guy that owns a video/media editing studio. His main thing was editing little league football games and making college recruitment reels for high school students. The company wanted to pay me to learn editing to make their business grow. For $10 an hour, you bet I was going to work there! Good bye, Blockbuster Video!
I work there and things started off great. The owner often talked about how good it was to have “young black people” in a “black owned business”.
This was a trap.
Actually, it was a trap but some other things were my fault in this. During my time there, I became very selfish and big headed. I never double checked my work and I worked on personal projects after being told not to. I didn’t have any good editing tools at home so this felt like a God-send to me.
This eventually got me fired and this is where my anger began.
I wasn’t so much mad that I got fired for being big-headed; it was how I got fired. That stuff the owner said about supporting black youth turned out to be fluff. On the day of my firing, the owner said to me that he was also going to fire one of my white co-workers for “constantly screwing up projects”. A week after being fired, I went to the office to pick up my final check. The guy that was “supposed” to be fired was working on a brand-new project.
To say that I was livid was an understatement. I raged in my car and damn near ripped my last paycheck. I quit my regular job at Blockbuster to work here and I get fired three months later. How screwed up is that?! This happened a second time with the man that job catfished (internet search the phrase ‘to catfish’) me in San Francisco. He led me to no longer trust black mentors.
Black mentors from the baby boomer-era took advantage of young black kids. Why did they do this? Because they were either failures when they were our age and tried to live vicariously through us or they learned the game and decided to leech off of us.
I put my first mentor on that list. Though I haven’t really talked to him since 2011, I really wanted nothing to do with him after San Francisco. Not only that, I felt like he, too, was a leech and wanted to use my skills to further his plans. He was starting up his own media company and I didn’t want to work with him. I also felt that surpassed him in terms of video/media and public-speaking skills.
For the longest, I thought I learned the art of being a leech strictly from him. This is not true. This was my nature in general. I was a leech before I met this guy. In reality, he was always there for me and I was wrong for thinking this way. We’re both human and no one is perfect.
The art of being a leech came from the many of the adults I dealt with through childhood. These people were failures before they started a family and they passed down “leeching” to their kid(s) and/or society. These people “taught” me how to get what I need from others and never pay it forward or help advance the person that helped them.
Of all things, the concept of mentorship made me think of the manga Dragon Ball. Early in the series, the main character Goku was trained by his teacher Master Roshi. Roshi taught Goku the basics of strength training and martial arts. Yes, Roshi had Goku take care of some personal errands for Roshi’s gain but he never took advantage of him. As Goku got older, he applied Roshi’s teachings to his future training with other teachers.
Goku got so good, he was able to apply his own training while maintaining Roshi’s basics. As he got older, he no longer relied on his first teacher for training. Near the end of Dragon Ball, Roshi said he could no longer teach his students. Goku understood this but never abandoned his teacher. Goku never said, “Roshi, since you can’t teach me anymore, I don’t want to be involved with you”.
After really thinking about it, I came to an understanding that my first mentor ALWAYS looked out for me and always cheered me on. He was never a bad person; I was just selfish, angry, and bitter that men like him at his age kept me from my destiny. I accepted his friend request on Facebook so we’ll see what’ll happen from here on out.
Outside of that, I believe today will be a productive day! Going to conclude the video work for Von and get back to my projects!
Yesterday I was able to properly do a work out stream! In fact, the entire month of streaming has worked out well! My system includes professional work for businesses, live streaming and YouTube! However, I need to get back into the system of working out my mind and body properly.
The last month has been the worst for me, nutritional wise. I live in a small place and it’s difficult for me to do a push-ups in my house. It’s that small in here! Today, I make the decision to stay at this place or move somewhere else. There’s a goshiwon next to me that looks better. If there’s more space and better internet, I’m all for going over there.
My productivity sees no end. Things are looking up but I cannot drop my guard. I know to eat better food and spend an hour a day being active. I know how to be and stay in motion. Speaking of not moving, it occurred to me why my parent’s generation hates mines. I’ve had an idea but it wasn’t quite understood until today. I saw a video from a YouTuber on why my generation (millennials) is in its current state. The guy that’s saying this is in his 50s (aka a baby boomer).
According to him, baby boomers and generation x set us up for failure. They wanted to protect us and keep us away from danger at all times. It got to the point where we we’ve too protected and the adults are children mentally.
It also boils down to how we make a living. We’re criticized for how we make money. They say to get a job, go to school, and all that fluff. We’ve done it their way and we find that it doesn’t benefit us. The fact that my generation is fighting back scares them.
A similar thing is happening here in Korea. Young Koreans are fighting the current system by leaving the country, creating their own jobs, or fighting the system. Two out of three isn’t so bad.
The fear the young has towards the old is slowly becoming a myth! No one should be afraid of old people just because they’re old. I know Koreans are supposed to have respect for the old no matter what thanks to Confucianism but slowly, the young are starting to reject this.
We’re fighting back not just with our words, but with our actions too. What I’m doing in Korea is fighting against a system that was set up for me to fail. I did it their way in my 20s and decided to do it God’s way right now in my 30s. It’s slow but I’m moving up. Five years I’ve been in Korea plus studying better material plus taking action is why I’m where I’m at today.
I got five donations during a Twitch stream! I made $88 in an hour from one viewer! That’s pretty impressive! I also met up with a certain southern YouTuber today! We had so much to talk about! We had a discussion about our work and life and for once, I listened. Her story on how she developed the mindset to increase made me admire her even more!
Her mindset. Her drive to be better. Her give no cares attitude. She’s where she needs to be. God is propelling her to new heights. I’m being propelled also! I live every day to be better than I was before When I do what I want, money will not be on my mind.
I won’t lie, I need to always be doing something. While the world is moving, I need to actually make progress. Okay, I’m rambling. Yesterday, I was offered to do a documentary series on Black Americans living in Asia! I’m not 100% sold on this but since it’s in me, I might as well try it out. Usually, when confronted with an idea like this, I regret it when someone else does it.
This week was great. Friday, something told me to make a gif of my dad being happy with me being home. I got 8 million hits in a day! Two major websites approached me to use it! One was trying to get free work; the other was willing to pay for the video! Of course, I took the latter! I had to go through a lot of legal stuff but I got compensated for the video! I’ll get 75% of the profits that they sell. My video could go on the TV show Ellen!
I ate a little better this week. I still need to go to the gym and lift. Get my body in gear. Work out streams are working in my favor. Everything I do will involve me making money from it. I eat, I stream. I go out, I stream.
Today I missed out on letting Jae know about the shoot! It was something with Korean Air! Oh well, next time. I see why putting off important events is bad. People need to work and they have no time to wait on others.
Last night, I had dinner with my stream friends EXBC (Esco and his wife Hesou) and got 100 more followers on Twitch! We all had a great time reconnecting with one another! Being with them showed me something major. Successful people like collaborating with other successful-minded people. They want to keep those that are positive around them. Successful people like EXBC also do not beg, nor do they ask to be included. They create their own thing. This is why they’ve been successful for as long as they have.
EXBC is why I’ve started to take live streaming serious. While I was doing a food stream, some of my followers introduced me to them. I learned that it was possible to stream on a phone through them! They were entertaining, they worked out different ways to keep their audience entertained and they never took anything for granted.
Esco is a real man. This man knows what he wants and he doesn’t take crap from anyone. I read on his Twitter about how he had to deal with crap from his family because he wasn’t sticking to “traditional Korean values”. Because he isn’t working for a corporation, he’s seen as a “bad Korean”. Him and his wife make sure to live their life to the fullest without doing what everyone else does and I have nothing but respect for them.
Today, I put my discipline to the test. I’m banning myself from social media for the rest of the month so I can focus. I feel my temptations getting stronger and I need to suppress them.
The reason for the ban because my Twitch donations were weak this week. I did get a lot of followers but I spent more time building myself on social media instead of building what people want to watch more of. I’m going to focus more on just getting out and improving myself instead of the end result. Focus on the process.
Speaking of results, I need to talk to Aaron and Von about filming seminars and interviews. Just film anything really. I’ve been thinking too hard on this. Just focus on one thing and film. Film on YouTube, Twitch and YouTube professionally. My job requires me to create and motivate. Actually, my job is what I see fit via my videos.
I am sick of editing this music video. I had to put my foot down and force myself to stop working on it. Right now, I’m really glad I decided to work on it for free because music videos are NOT a strength (right now, anyway).
Last night I got some food and another thought came to me: I now understand the importance of being so good, they can’t ignore you. I thought about YouTuber Freddie Wong. Him and his team creates great content. It’s so good, major companies have gone to them and commissioned them to make commercials!
Okay, I needed to vent. I feel better now.
Today, I’m hitting up a Korean pro wrestling show! Gonna film it and get involved in some shenanigans after the show. I also want to figure out how to make what I do look and sound good. Wait, there’s no secret to this! Just put in the work, study up, and improve! This isn’t that hard!
I think I was set up to help me grow a spine and let people know to not take advantage of me! I was put in a situation that I’m used to but instead of being nice, I had to put my foot down! I will not let it get in the way of working with others.
I’m feeling burnt out. I believe the source of it is constantly seeing if anyone is hearing or listening to me. I need to stop looking for results and concentrate on the process. Now I understand this simple thing! Just do the freaking work!
I think I’m going to take a long break from mukbang. Don’t know if it’s a lack of drive… no, that’s bullcrap. I’ve become anxious and going back to my old habits. I want to make what I do on YouTube and Twitch and pro video work for me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I asked for this. I thought I had something valuable but there’s even more that needs to be done. I have to do this. Failure is not an option!
I blew up and got burnt out again. This time, moving my body and cleaning cooled me down. While cleaning, I realized I’m not doing as well as I could because I’m not being myself. I’m being too appropriate for my family and society. The people that say I should be a certain way don’t even watch my stuff.
I think I’ll abandon the tour aspect of my show. I guess me talking and having something to say should work. Taking about real stuff while eating should work. I need to be real with folks. People have questions. People want to see me out as well and interact with others. I feel good breaking out of this shell!
Made a new discovery! When I write, I sometimes slouch. I said to myself ‘sit up’. I feel more engaged in my body, especially my core! Being in motion has worked in my favor and it’s something that I’m grateful for! I know I keep talking about things like ‘motion’ but it’s important! I’m grateful for being where I am now and not where I used to be. I’m now in the process of reinventing myself.
No more looking at stats or numbers. Now, I only care about results. I do the work and people watch. T.D. Jakes said if I don’t want any trouble, I don’t want a blessing. All those that caused harmless trouble have made it.
Each and every day I’ve woken up, I feel like I’m hardly accomplishing anything. I know I am but the growth feels very slow. Today was a reminder that I need to take this more serious. YouTube and Twitch numbers have been arriving at a slow pace (didn’t I just say I wasn’t looking at numbers? I was a hypocrite!).
I’m niche but I feel I’m too niche. Trying to have meetings alone isn’t enough. I need to get better. I’m great at public speaking. I can edit film. My camera work is great when I have proper direction. I won’t lie: filming music videos isn’t my strong point. It just isn’t. I know what I’m weak in and I know where I’m strong.
Surprise, surprise, I was in a bad mood once again last night! I was mentally exhausted and greatly frustrated with the way things were going in my line of work! I was irritated but a good night’s sleep and a word from Joel Olsten put me in a better mood.
He talked about how people used tragedies into success for others (he talked about how John Walsh used the kidnapping and murder of his son to make sure no others had to go through that).
Last night, I had some major beef with Twitch streamers and YouTubers that got to where they were by sheer pandering. I was very irritated with how certain people on the internet got to where they were.
Yeah, I was being a hater.
I talked to my dad about it and he, as usual, had something smart to say about it:
Quality takes time. It can also net you something if you’re really good!
Von gave me a great idea today! Since no one knows the benefits of video, I was given the idea of hosting a meet up seminar! This man is the reason why having a good accountability partner is crucial to one’s success! I never would have thought of this without him!
Though I have experience, I have to realize and understand I have to humble myself. I don’t have enough proof to justify my price with certain people. I’m also not well known enough to justify certain demands. This isn’t to put myself down; it’s to bring me closer to reality.
Von told me this guy he works with charges $100 to film one vlog. I’m worth a high price but no one really knows me. If I was an editor everyone knew, it would justify the price I’m offering. Von humbled me without tearing me down. I really needed that today.
I did a live stream today and found out my outdoor streams get more views and attention when I am with a beautiful woman! I’ll have to start putting guests in my videos more! I cannot give up nor can I play it safe. I have to keep going.
T.D. Jakes had a sermon on moving forward, regardless of the crowd size. Keep streaming and filming regardless of how big or small my interactions are. There’s someone out there cheering me on! God wants to see if He can trust me with the next level. I have to trust that His work is good. Today was a reminder and a great energy boost.
Q sent me a very relatable message today. He said no matter how much training I get, it doesn’t compare to the real thing. The books and seminars taught me a lot but in reality, it’s all about action. I don’t know how many times I’ll be reminded of this until it sinks in.
Books and seminars can’t teach me about how long it takes to edit 4 hours of footage into four minutes. They also can’t teach me how to keep a business relationship. It can’t teach me to take action.
It was brought to my attention I have a LOT of hate in my heart for things and people I’ve dealt with. I still haven’t gotten rid of it.
(I actually made a list but stopped at one thing because I realized how much of a waste of time it was)
Last week wasn’t the best week since being here. A lady I met and thought I had a good connection with disrespected and embarrassed me in front of her friends for no reason.
I was at a bookstore in Gangnam and she accidentally slid her chair into my knee. She was apologizing to me in English. Soon after, we were talking. She spoke English and was very attractive. She was on her way to work so she suggested we meet on a certain day at a café and get to know one another.
The following week, we meet and talked for about two hours. We talked about books, music, traveling and music! Apparently, our time together was enjoyable to her because before she went to work, she tells me she wants to see me again on the weekend. This was on a Monday.
That Friday, I get a text message from her. She tells me that she won’t be able to make it on Saturday because she just “want[s] to stay at home and read”. She works as a bartender from 7 pm to 2 am so I understood how she felt.
[_This is very important to know. We live 10 train stations (about 30 minutes) from each other. _]
Saturday comes and I’m walking around my neighborhood. It starts to rain and I go inside of a café. To my surprise, the lady I had tea with on Monday was inside of the same café! Just as I spotted her, my gut said to not go to her. This was one of the FEW times I listened to my instinct because I had a feeling something would have been up.
Unfortunately, she saw me.
[_ “Hey, Shaun! What are you doing here?”_]
I told her I lived in the neighborhood.
“Come down stairs and meet my friends!”
I did and this was something I’d later regret. Why did I not listen to my gut here?
I remember her telling me the night before that she was too tired to go out. Looking at her, she’s dressed up like she’s going on a night on the town. Long white dress skirt (don’t know the proper name of it), high heels, and make up; she was the total package. She planned to be out today with someone else.
I said nothing about it. I was curious to see how she would get out of this.
The café we were at had no seats so I took them to another one. We show up, she buys me tea and we’re all sitting down. I get to know her friends and one of them tells me she’s a gamer. She and her boyfriend sometimes sit up and watch other people play games on a regular basis. Excited, I told her I was a streamer and I pulled out my camera. I explained to the other ladies how it worked and asked if they wanted to be in a live show.
They said yes. As soon as I started, they were mute.
My gut was constantly alarming me about something but I couldn’t figure it out.
My lady and her friends shifted gears and talked to each other while ignoring me. They were making plans to do some stuff with each other and right there, I remembered my lady and I had plans. I worked up the courage to ask ‘what about me?’ and the lady said, “oh, today’s girls’ day out”.
I was about to object but then I remembered my stream was on and I keep my mouth shut.
While they continued to talk, I was contemplating staying. I thought to myself, “Maybe they’ll invite me”. Common sense arrived and I made the decision to leave. I sarcastically told the girls to have fun walked away. Within earshot, one of the girls said, “sorry things didn’t work out”. I gave her a really dirty look, scoffed and walked down stairs.
After I left the café, I sent the lady I was supposed to be with a very harsh message on instant messenger. She embarrassed me in front of her friends and in front of my stream. The biggest thing was she lied to me.
As weird as it sounds, I felt accomplished. Given my history with letting people treat me any kind of way, I felt I overcame a massive hurdle. If this had happened last year, I would have been like, “Oh that’s okay. She just forgot”. Fudge that! As a black man, I shouldn’t let anyone get away with disrespecting me in such a manner nor should I even give anyone like that the time of day. I know so many men that allow others to treat them any kind of way to either avoid trouble or to keep something they THINK they’ll get.
I waited a whole week to actually go out with someone and this happens! It would have been different had I not caught her in a lie. I really don’t take kindly to lying. I grew up a liar to my parents and it backfired on me every time. I can see why they had little respect for those that didn’t tell the truth. I’ve also witnessed how lying can destroy people. It’s something I never want to see again.
Just today, I was tested again. Someone I was trying to work with messaged me asking them to not message them about personal things because we really didn’t know each other that well.
For some reason, I cried over this.
I was crying out my recent frustrations. I’ve been here two months and had more downs than ups but that cry was the best I’ve felt in a very long time. Constantly watching other successful YouTubers and Twitch streamers made me more upset each time I saw them. I’ve become envious of what they possess. I had to remind myself their success was for them, not for me.
Today, I’m going to stop comparing myself to YouTubers that started around the time I did (early 2007). Those people took the time to put in the work, stayed humble, and constantly reinvented themselves and gained a fan base by making damn good work.
Actually, I’m going to write what I’m thankful for.
Things I must understand:
I’ll have to find new mentors. Be an asset to them and vice versa. I’ll also have to be an asset to them; give them something that can help them. Every day. Over-deliver. Be patient.
Truth be told, I’m fed up with humans. I’m fed up with what technology has done to people. I am fed up with people doing better than me. I am fed up with my creations. I can’t hear God. I wanted to start fresh!
I hate society. I hate what we do to ourselves. This country is driving me crazy. I’m tired. I want to reinvent myself. I want to be heard. I can’t fight my demons. I’m tired of working for free or cheap. I am tired of being who I am and being hated for it! I am tired of feeling lesser than I am!
I hate K-pop. I thought I liked it but I hate it. There are a lot of things I hate about Korea. This life I am living is empty. It’s vain. There are no benefits to this. I hate social media. I hate feeling this way. I hate being ignored. I hate feeling useless.
Think I found the source of my frustrations: lack of money and love. I don’t know where to begin.
Okay, I’m going to start to not do things for the money. I think I may have said this in the past… I need to find love in all I do. I need to reset. I need a very hard reset in my life right now.
I have no love for my field. I mean, I enjoy media but I put no love in it unless there was money involved. I was taught to look for the money in everything I do but all it’s done has caused me to burn out.
No more pouting! Time to get to work. A good night’s rest and good food lifted me up today! I had a great meeting with this YouTube-based multi-channel network (MCN). They said they can give me help as long as I keep doing good work! No more writing! Work!
Something daunting was revealed to me today. Two weeks ago, I met up with a cool lady. This isn’t the lady that lied to me at the café; this is someone else I met that same day. She’s Korean but she goes to university in Japan. She was pretty cool and a huge South Park fan (she had a Kenny key chain). Anyway, she tells me she was leaving for Japan soon so we decided set up a day to eat Korean BBQ.
The next day, we went out and spent all day together. My time with her had me feel something I haven’t felt in years: that familiar demon of instant gratification. That dopamine rush I felt during my porn addiction days returned while being with this woman!
My years of abstaining from that poison and that sudden rush helped me realize why I was so aggressive with people! This is why no one wants to do anything with me! I think I may have said this before (I did) but it fully makes sense now! It never occurred to me how strong I come across to others! My irritation causes me to be anxious. My anxiety causes me to force things! My mind is blown right now!
Now that I have an understanding of how toxic I’ve been, it’s time to change it up, step by step.
My actions these last couple of weeks have not been all that great. From constantly being in bad moods and other stuff, I think I may have figured out how and why I don’t get what I want. I really need to better myself. I’ve said this before and I’m doing all I can. I understand correcting myself won’t be overnight but as long as I start, I should be fine.
In 6th grade, a group of girls gave me attention. That kind of attention was very new. Keep in mind, I’m 12-years-old; I’m at that age where I’m not afraid to admit I like girls! Anyway, they played they played some variation of keep away and that was the most fun I’ve had with girls at that time!
That was probably my first real dopamine rush.
The next day, I tried to play the same game with them but they were not having it. Throughout the entirety of recess, I kept trying to force it but they all just walked away from me. Since that moment, I’ve always tried to force things to happen. Until recently, it never occurred to me why things never worked out after I attempted to force them.
I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way. I did what I did because I wasn’t aware of other alternatives. I believed in my heart this was the only way to accomplish something. I saw other people do it and it worked. In my mind, it was supposed to work for me, too.
Very thankful that God is a God of many chances. I know I can beat my demons.
Right now, I’m back in Tokyo. My purpose here is to reset my visa in Korea. I’m also looking to film and have fun with it! I was approached by someone today about my videos! They said “Texas Jin!” (The Japanese name of Shaun On Site) and I was crazy happy! That moment was a mood lifter and it showed me that I should be happy that people like to watch my content!
This June will be two years since I started Shaun On Site. I’m actually making great progress with what I’m doing. As long as I put in the work and make good content, people will see. It was like this for hip hop group Little Brother. It was like this for New Edition. It was like this for any person or group starting off. Me trying to reach to the top way too fast is what burns me out. Q gave me great advice today: move fast and slow when necessary. Don’t try to rush it.
He also said that people like to work with those that they feel good around. It made me think Adrian. I saw him at a park today and we just talked.
We met at an event for Wisdom in March 2016. In Japan, he works as a freelancer in Japanese animation (I’m guessing as a liaison); in the USA, he’s a camera man for adult films. We made a connection that day and he’s been nothing but cool. This guy has done so many cool things for me and he asks for nothing in return. There’s a lesson in this.
Right now, I’m doing a lot better than I realize. There’s nothing anyone else can do for me. God is all I need. I need to stop looking at my situation from a materialistic standpoint! I’ve been conditioned to believe money equals success. I am slowly phasing out of this mindset.
This has been an interesting trip. It wasn’t bad; I just learned a lot here. More about myself than anything!
I met up with Dante and told him my ordeal. He thought it was “strange” because he never had any bad vibes around me.
Right then, my dad’s wisdom came to me. I understood that I couldn’t get everyone to like me! It’s like these little tidbits in me just becomes unlocked by being in motion and talking my way to the answer! Some people can deal with me. Most cannot. I have to accept that not everyone will like dealing with me! Right now, I feel more comfortable with this. I don’t know why I let this bother me for so long. Doesn’t matter because I am going forward.
I’m on the plane back to Korea and I’m happy to have been able to see my friends again. I got the gist of how loved I am. I really have to start accepting people who like me and quit forcing it. I now know and understand to not to force people to agree with me and I have to do the same when it comes to personal relationships.
Recently, I saw the documentary “Making Skybreak”. Zo (musician in The Foreign Exchange) and Phonté were asked why they never got so-and-so on the album.
Phonte: They never picked up the phone.
It was that simple. I thought about the times I sent messages to people in the past but this never crossed my mind. All the times I’ve wanted to work with people, they’d see my messages but would never respond. This where I understood abundance mentality. They couldn’t FORCE someone they wanted to work with them so they asked someone else instead.
This weekend, I also saw Smart Doll curator Danny Choo, the son of fashion genius Jimmy Choo. I believe this was my third time meeting him and he looked good! He was all smiles and excited to be where he was. The man owns a business so I should have expected that from him. This time, he was decked out in all black and was presenting his newest Smart Doll.
We talked for about 20 minutes that night. Each time I talk to him, I’m learning something new and this day was no exception. Being in his presence, I was reminded that one saying from Steve Martin: Be so good, they can’t ignore you. If you’re really good enough at something, people’ll come to you. I [_knew _]this but it never quite made enough sense until this weekend.
I want to point out that Danny’s Smart Doll line is REALLY good. The dolls are well crafted and they have a massive following around the world. People come from other countries to visit his shop and purchase his merchandise. Danny personally talks to his guests, makes them feel at home and puts them in the spot light his creations. He makes it all about them rather than himself and I respect that!
I first read about Danny through some good friends of mine in Texas. They would often post his blogs and videos. One day, I read through Danny’s site and I saw how much work he put into everything he did. He always encouraged his fans to try new things. I began reading his stuff in 2009 but I never really put what he said into practice until very recently.
At the mall event, Danny was presenting a new Smart Doll commissioned by anime studio Sunrise (the company behind the Gundam series and Cowboy Bebop). This is where the being so good part comes in. Sunrise saw Danny’s doll line and commissioned him to make a doll of the main character from their franchise Code Geass. This was probably their biggest commission and the showing of it was huge! The doll itself was well crafted and looked like Lelouch (the main character).
What’s interesting about this moment with Danny is the fact that’s he’s even in Tokyo at this time. He was scheduled to be in Texas for an anime convention but he backed out. I didn’t mention this but the second time I saw him was in September of last year.
At that time, I saw that he was going to be a guest at this convention in Houston. My gut was telling me to warn Danny about the scummy organizers. They’re devious ways are well known within the community (I was a victim of it because I was young) and I didn’t want Danny to become affected. He said he’ll “watch [his] back”.
Seven months later and here we are. Our conversation went as followed:
[Me: Why aren’t you in Texas right now?
Danny: Because I was commissioned to present the newest doll in my product. Also, I took your advice.]
[Me: Seriously? What happened?
Danny: Usually when you’re making business deals with people, you shouldn’t have to repeat certain things; everything should be clear within the first time. One day, one of the coordinators brought up something and decided to be very cheap with me. Right there, red flags were waving and my gut was telling me to not go. I listened and have felt better for it since.
The smile on my face hasn’t left since that night.
Last week, I lost that smile.
I met up with a cutie at an arcade and we played a basketball game together. We talked for a bit and I asked for her number. She said to me, “beat me in this game and I will give you my phone number”.
I challenged her again and she said that she will play me next weekend. I said, “Well, how do you expect me to get in touch with you so we can meet up?”. She gave me her number.
The next weekend comes and she tells me that she’s at the place. I go there and she was standing next to some guy. I asked who that was and she said it was her boyfriend. I gave a very stern “no” and walked away. You can guess how I felt after that. She later sent me a text message and apologized for not telling me she had a boyfriend. To be fair to her, I never asked and this could have been avoided.
It was at this moment, I realized relationships between Asians in Asia and foreigners is like playing a game on hard mode. From my experience, there are women here will give their number to other men, even if they have a boyfriend or husband. That never made sense to me.
On a whim, I decided to research this and found many other guys (nationals and foreigners) had the same issue too! My research led me to a new book for me to read. It’s called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. I remember seeing this book a year ago but I never considered myself a “nice guy™” until I read the author’s definition.
I decided to see how deep the rabbit hole was.
WOW! This book actually convinced me to be honest with other people. I’ve been living a lie all this time! Before reading this book, I thought being selfish was a bad thing. It isn’t! I just have to do it in a way that doesn’t make me come across as a jerk.
I spent most of yesterday talking to people and telling them the truth about my intentions with them. Some felt relieved while others felt disgusted. Many felt the latter because I “tricked” them. Needless to say, we no longer talk.
This book and my drive to action has been very helpful in my mood. What I’ve done actually worked in my favor! My current fears and actions are the results of my upbringing. It developed the mindset I have now but I didn’t know what caused me to be a certain way. Reading this book showed me that I often catered to certain people so they wouldn’t blow up (though they’d end up doing so anyway).
I mentioned the show Family Matters earlier. That and so many other programs from my youth always told us it was our (men’s) responsibility to make women happy and we were to bow down to them. In addition to media, the schools tried to condition me. I often got in trouble for “being a male”. I was socially engineered to be weak mentally and physically. This sounds like some men’s rights activist crap but hear me out.
In elementary, we’re engineered to cater to our female teachers and girls, no matter if they were right or wrong. I had to act a certain way so people could feel “comfortable” around me. Most of my teachers couldn’t “handle” boys. Their solution? Diagnosis them with A.D.D. and drug them up on Ritalin. They tried to do this to me and my dad stepped in and said “hell no!”
The next best method was to shame us for being boys. Make a paper gun? Give him OCS (on campus suspension). Practice martial arts on the playground? Get your communicator signed for “encouraging violence”. Have anything Star Wars related (make paper x-wings and Tie Fighters)? Ban everything George Lucas it and read school mandated knock offs. These things I mentioned is what I dealt with from my teachers.
If the conditioning from the first two paragraphs STILL didn’t work, require the student talk to the school counselor twice a week. From kindergarten to sixth grade, I had to go to that office and talk about “whatever was bothering me”. That’s the thing: nothing was wrong with me. I was a kid.
Come junior high, I went in actually believing something was wrong with me. The effects didn’t show until 8th grade and stayed with me for 15 years! In high school, was an outspoken recluse in high school (meaning I was out in the open but rarely participated in activities [though that changed towards the end of my senior year]). Through college, most of who I was then was the result of me acting out in ways I should have been in high school. I was always left behind while my classmates were ahead.
I made note that I always associated with cheerleaders in high school. That carried over with me into my 20s. When I did this in South Korea, I was on the path to new territory. Doing this in Texas wasn’t all that bad because no one really said anything to me. In Korea, the foreign women I associated with had no problems telling me how they really felt about me. I’m actually quite grateful for them because I was able to get out of that childhood conditioning. It was slow but progress is progress.
One significant person had me go on a roller coaster of emotions regarding my actions. One moment, she’s encouraging me with my video projects and the next, she’s calling me “socially awkward” and “a creeper”. I experienced more of the latter than the former. For the life of me, I don’t know why I allowed her to verbally talk down to me. At one time, she yelled at me for standing up for myself against a company that stole time and money from me!
The company in question withheld money from me and in retaliation, I went into their YouTube channel and took down any and all videos I made for them. I knew going in I wasn’t going to be paid; the curator and I made a verbal agreement on this. I later found that he was getting paid under the table for my videos and I was pissed. I figured taking down my videos from their site was the best option (it was). The lady friend demanded that I apologize to the site owner and made me feel really bad for my “unforgivable actions”.
My dad, THANK GOD, stepped in and said, “Boy, don’t you dare apologize for being in the right! You’re out here handling your business like a man. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!”
I stood my ground with the site owner and firmly told him off. He actually apologized to me for lying and respected me more for it. That was my first taste of taking care of business like a man and it felt rewarding!
Many of the women I associated with in my 20s was due to me wanting a relationship with them. I just never said anything because I was too scared. My interactions with them left me confused because they told me things they wanted out of a man but ended up being with men that were the exact opposite of what they wanted. I did the nice guy™ thing and listened to their problems in hopes of me getting with them. Of course, they went back to their man but I had “hope”. In reality, I stayed with them because I was a deceitful person and wasn’t genuine at all.
I had a monogamous relationship with many women I grew up with. It explains my over-involvement with my hobbies (some of the women I knew always talked about their favorite TV shows and nothing else). It created a “need” to develop relationships with people that “had to be fixed” (my teachers spent a lot of time “fixing” me and others); my addictions; lack of taking responsibility, and being “friends” with toxic people (why I associated with people that were “diamonds in the rough”).
Had I connected with strong men outside of my dad, I could have formed strong personal and/or professional relationships with others. My “teachers” were weak & effeminate men and media that degraded us. My awful interactions with women was due to it always being sexual (internally) and me being afraid of saying something that would keep women from getting close to me (externally). These days, I know some men I am in good company with. They’ve helped me socially, financially, spiritually, and mentally. It’s been a slow build over the last three years but I am seeing results. They haven’t made it easy for me and I’m grateful for them.
Knowing what I know now, am I upset about it now? I was for a little while but I’ve gotten over it. On the flipside, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I carried a lot of unnecessary weight in those years and it feels great to finally get rid of it. I’m not finished with this book yet but I have a feeling there’s more in me that needs to be removed.
(This is a letter to myself)
Shaun. A few years ago, you made a decision to make a change in your life. You’ve made a few improvements but they’re coming in slow. Socially, you are still slow. Now that you understand this, you are not going to care. You SHOULD care but only for you. I think you shouldn’t associate yourself with famous people. Work on yourself. There are many things that you have to unlock. The core thing is you’re bored. You’re trying to force situations out of nothing. You’ve pissed off or made a lot of people uncomfortable. I know you’re… it’s hard to write this.
It’s difficult to lie to myself about my feelings. I’m not happy with the way things are! I want someone to be with…I think. I don’t know. I may need to see a doctor or talk to one of my church friends. Don’t know why I’m taking what happened today personally but it hurts. I’m just not feeling it with people. I still have a lot of emotional baggage; I have a lot of internal struggling I need to deal with. I need isolation from a lot of people.
I have a lot of internal anger in me.
Growing up, I acted out on many urges that have hurt people physically, socially, and mentally. I haven’t gotten over a lot of my trauma. I’m still suicidal. I’m still lacking in human connection. I can’t be real with myself. I’ve…been held back since childhood. Even recently, the stupid doctrine that black American women put on their son still exists. I blame the people I was associated with on a lot of things. I blame a lot of them from my youth as to why I’ve put them on a pedestal for years. I’m mad at those that forced me to be uncomfortable with being myself. I’m mad at those that punished those for me for being who I am. I have a huge dislike for humanity.
I hate how the Black American community just abandoned me because of my upbringing. Screw the school system for their mess! I am also angry that no matter how hard I try to make things right, they go bad! Right now, I’m associating with no one. I’m tired of going to people. I’m tired of being rejected. I’m just tired!
I’m going to do things for me. I’m tired of being for others. My selfish ambitions came from filling this void. I’m getting rid of my social media use. The person that sent me that message was the last straw. I am no longer going to keep up with folks on social media, especially successful people. I am living my life away from people like them until they connect with me. I’ve… I don’t know what to do!
No more doing anything with famous/successful people unless they cater to my needs! But… I’m having a hard time finding the difference between catering to my needs and not being mean. I can’t wrap my mind around this! I’ll have to be as honest as I can with myself and those around me. I need to get over my need for people. I know to be the person people want to be. I have to accept that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.
I have to get over the need to fit in. I thought I needed to associate with successful people to fill a void. The word ‘successful’ is subjective anyway. I was able to meet up with people not in my business/field and get work. Blessings from God comes in unexpected ways; not from me forcing them and being with people that God blessed.
Let me put it like this: the blessings God gave to them are meant for them, not me. I won’t get what they have by associating with them. I should know this. Every famous person I’ve had on my channels have not boosted me in anyway. I need to quit associating with busy people. I know people that are always busy but are never productive.
From now on, I’m not going to do anything with a famous person, especially if they are female. I deleted social media off of my phone. I’m…[_socially withdrawn from reality. _]
This might be the first time I’ve admitted this.
A lot of who I am was shaped over childhood. I think I hang over people in high positions because I want the power I think they possess. I tried to assert my dominance over people through manipulation. I’ve done it to weak people and allowed strong people to use me.
I’ve found myself bashing others that have what I think I want instead of congratulating them. Instead of working towards being a better man, I’ve acted out through physical and emotional abuse. I’ve acted like a child my whole life when it came to certain people. I haven’t been allowed to explore who I am as a human because I’ve been suppressed and have allowed myself to be suppressed by authority.
I want to get over this. I’ve been used to being used so much, it bothers me when I’m [_not _]used. I was raised to believe asking for help is bad and shameful (unless it’s a crucial emergency). When I do ask for help, I often do not get it.
“You’re not good enough!”
“Your concept is terrible!”
“What will this do for me?”
If I don’t hear this, I feel like I’m a waste…
Okay, no point in feeling bad for myself any more. I’m repeating the same negative shit I’ve done in the past. From now on, I’m not going to message these people any more. If I meet with someone, I’ll message them once, maybe twice, and that’s it. Afterwards, I’ll let them come to me.
I think this can apply to anyone. I will go to my family but everyone else can come to me. I will go to people only when I need something. I will do what’s best to not need people. I need God!
These last few days have been an eye opener. I’m getting better with each experience. Reading the books, No More Mr. Nice Guy and [_No More Christian Nice Guy _]have been helpful. The latter book is super powerful! It forced me to re-read passages in the Bible about Jesus and I was wrong about Him. Jesus was a good man, not a nice man! As a man of God, I see how to assert myself and not allow others to walk over me. People really are attracted to confidence.
These days, I’m way more honest with my approach and I do not hold my tongue. I feel a lot better and my time does not get wasted.
Reading books once again has saved me. Actually, God did but He’s been leading me. Reading is one thing but taking action is what works. I’ve mentioned this before but walking and talking my way to the answer works! I haven’t felt bad about being honest with anyone. My lack of honesty, among other things, is part of why I had a 15-year addiction to porn.
The habit gave birth to an unrealistic expectation I had towards women. Most of what I saw wasn’t all that straight forward. Most had scenes where a man would manipulate a woman into sex. I used these exact same tactics (while being a nice guy™) and the girls got scared and ran away. I often thought it was normal to do what I did but years of trial and error said otherwise. Getting rid of that poison showed me why it was wrong.
While I wait to hear back from this one company (I might get a legit job here!), I will continue to upload videos and make them. I need to take advantage of the time I have. I’ll have to reduce how much time I write and read just to do stuff.
I understand how I’ve developed low self-esteem now. My upbringing had me put my faith in people more than God. I may have said this already but let me break it down. I didn’t trust God growing up like I thought I did. All I can do is take my time and trust His timing. Trusting His timing is a true test of my faith. I have to put my priorities in check. Focus on what’s really important. Right now, it’s getting that job down south. I don’t know why the person that wants to hire me hasn’t contacted me in a while.
Just finished filming a few YouTube videos. Some people recognized me from the video with the uptight American at the restaurant! A Korean lady in the park thought she was slick and took pictures of me while I was writing in my journal. She’s a cutie from Los Angeles and we carried on a good 15-minute talk. Later on, two more Korean women stopped by to see what I was filming. I took advantage of their ability to speak English and I asked them to help make a video with me. It’s amazing what can happen when I do my work in public!
I’m very happy that I’m not any a famous YouTuber right now.
For 10 years, I judged my success based on who I had on my channel. I also based it on other unrealistic expectations I had for myself. I used to ask, “Why am I not as popular as this person?! I’ve done it for 10 years and I even got a degree! Why am I not where I want to be?”
The answer is because I had values that were not of my own.
I based my successes and failures on how others thought I should run my operations. My 10 years on YouTube was me living a lie. I made many attempts at trying to get bigger by using other people that already paid their dues.
Those people put in the time, effort, and patience to get the opportunities they worked for. Me? I was entitled. I never appreciated the struggle. I always wanted things right now. My focus was misdirected.
Today, I am at peace with who I am. I made mistakes and I will continue to make them. We’re human and we have to accept that. Denying human nature is denying reality.
The last couple of days have been a lot better. I was in my previous funk because, yet again, another person I tried to date lied to me. She played the whole “I-say-I-don’t-have-a-boyfriend-but-I-do” shtick with me and I left her alone. It left me emotionally exhausted from other things…
I had to stop looking too into the other books I’ve been reading. They’re helpful but it revealed a lot of stuff in me that left me mentally damaged. I had a man-to-man talk with my dad and his words of wisdom lifted my mood.
Right now, I’m working on a major YouTube reaction video. Koreans React to The Fresh Prince. Last year, I did one on Family Guy and that continues to get looked at today. I REALLY need help from a Korean on this. I have a lot of interviews but I still need help. If I can make money on this and get more attention on what I do, I can do this full time with a company.
Until then, I’m going to focus on my growth. I notice my subscriptions are growing on YouTube! I have to keep at it and learn new things. The other day, I met with Dani and Jojo (two ladies that are working on a major t-shirt campaign) and we shared some ideas for their project.
To my surprise, the owners of this retro game café are letting me witness the filming of a game show! It’s on a cable channel called XTM. To my American readers, think of it as Spike TV. In a little while, a member of the group k-pop group Apink will be a guest on this show. I’m here mainly to observe and see what it’s like behind the scenes of a major Korean TV show. Technically, I do know since I’ve been on Korean TV before (I failed to mention I was on a TV show called Surprise Secret).
A lot of what I saw isn’t that much different from the states. Wait, that isn’t true. The vibe here is more formal and hierarchical. I know this about the Korean work place but witnessing it like this feels a bit…robotic.
Wait, it’s like this at home too. I guess it’s more daunting because I’m in a foreign country. I need to learn how to not be the center of attention for once and observe!
For many years, I always made myself the center of attention and I pissed off others as a result. For once, I want to not care when it isn’t the time or place. It’s time for me to step back, humble myself, and learn. Oh! The young lady just stepped in. Her name is Oh Ha Young and she’s short!
15 minutes into this and there’s a LOT of talking. I think they’re talking about some game but who knows. This entire discussion is scripted…oh and the power went out. I had feeling this would happen with their set up but it looks like they took care of it quick!
Wow, this is boring! Everything has been planned out in a way that leaves no room for creativity. Not even the shows I did in west Texas put me sleep like this! I’ve been sleepy since the first take. I need to leave from here so I can start editing.
Ooh, another thing just hit me! It’s a major waste of time for me to be in the presence of people and/or events that seriously do not benefit me in the now! Okay, I know this sounds like a lot of common sense to people out there but this is a big thing for me!
I almost fell for the trap of attempting to get a big named person within my media network but given the lack of time and how little I know about K-pop, I said screw it and left.
I got blown up pretty hard on the internet just now. It holds no bearing on me in real life but I’m writing just so I can get this out of my mind and get some sleep. Kinda ironic I’m saying this yet an hour ago, I said I wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.
Long story short, some folks lost respect for me over the whole thing with this Korean streamer. In late March, I did what was called “steam sniping”; it’s the act where you come up to someone while they’re streaming without them knowing. This wasn’t the problem. The problem was how I acted around her.
Remember what I said about the whole “forcing people to do things with me because I asked”? This is what I was talking about. This person was very close to me and I tried to set up a collaboration. She agreed to it but here’s what I messed up. I constantly tried to get her contact information outside of Twitter. She said she would have contacted me on Twitch but for some reason, I didn’t believe her. I’ve been in past situations where people would say one thing but never held on to their word.
After asking her about her various contacts, she again said she would hit me up. About an hour later, I saw a recording on the stream we were on and I she went back on her word because “[her] fans didn’t want me to”. I was pissed and said on my stream she was “an idiot for listening to [her] fans”. To make matters worse, I tried to shame her on Twitter.
Shortly after the incident, one of her super fans made a collage of things I said on stream and Twitter me to defame and slander me. I admit to the things I said. What isn’t true is the fabricated. They made claims that I stalked the Japanese adult stars and had serious disrespect for women. People actually took the fabrication to heart without any real evidence. What’s interesting is the person that made the collage did it with a dummy Imgur account and even deleted it!
A subreddit (a forum dedicated to a specific topic on Reddit) got word of what happened that time and decided to make me look and feel bad for it. On Tuesdays, they have a thread called “Blow Up Tuesdays”. What they do put someone on the spot by shaming them. I was their latest victim. They’ve decided to take that collage to heart and did nothing but make me feel bad. The only bad takeaway from this the lady I met in San Francisco (the one I helped buy the $108 t-shirt [her money, not mines]) terminated our acquaintanceship.
She cut off all ties with me because “as a woman, what [I] did made [her] feel uncomfortable”. It’s understandable, I see where she’s coming from and I wish her all the best. However! This is interesting coming from her since she’s a moderator of this group. These group’s main focus is on fighting games and porn (real or animated). The members of this group constantly sexualize her with her knowledge.
Despite my dislike for her hypocrisy, I have nothing but love for her because in person, she’s a sweet young lady. When we met, we actually carried on deep conversations about life and we respected each other’s views. She works with socially disadvantaged kids and always makes sure to take care of people in the fighting game community. Her hustle and dedication to make life better for others is unrivaled.
Great news is I might get the job in Guro going for me this week! I just need to keep my nose clean and get better each day! Everyone at home seems to be doing well for the most part. My little brother is in better company with my old neighbors. My dad finally got a new job and he’s loving it!
Okay, I got this out of my system. Time to go back to sleep.
Ugh. The whole thing with that Korean streamer is still bothering me. I guess my conscious is trying to tell me something.
I decide to leave Reddit and social media overall. What happened won’t matter in a few months. My Twitch, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter are all gone. Live streaming isn’t for me anyway. I’m sticking to YouTube. I need to find a way to be productive outside of the internet. I’m on this thing so much, I’ve forgotten how to live my life instead of being a social person. Hell, I feel like a new person for once! I seriously need some new concepts for my videos. I’m actually tired of being what I think I want to be. In fact, I don’t even know what I wat my channel to be about.
This week, two more people decided to put another hit on me because of that incident with the Korean streamer. I’m laying very low until I am certain I can put my head up again.
Matter of fact, I’m going to initiate a fast from my computer for the time being. I will use only IM to talk to people. I need to maintain discipline to not be so darn connected to a community of crazy. It’s ironic yet poetic. I was a hypocrite with a huge ego. I knew what I was getting into but I dug too deep. I have no one to blame but myself.
From now on, my time on the internet is to be used only to listen to sermons, wind down on a movie, listen to music, and talk to someone via IM. Some folks on Reddit decided to dedicate their time to giving me a hard time. They’ve put me on notice because they legit have nothing better to do. This is a good thing, actually! This’ll keep me away from places I don’t need to be. It’ll also keep me from trying to fit in. I was meant to be a leader, not a follower. After my fast, I should be better than ever.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mentioned I went out on a date with a dancer last night. It was our fifth date! We saw a movie and I was certain we’d get closer.
She said she wanted us to be friends and she felt “nothing” between us.
We talked about it and she made it clear she didn’t want a relationship beyond us being friends and I respected that. Didn’t cry, didn’t whine; just wrote and had a good night’s sleep.
Considering what I’ve been through with previous dates, tonight was a major improvement.
I got the crap with that subreddit out of way. My mind is in a much better state. I’ve been going back to the gym more and I am seeing a change. I am also spending more time studying The Word. I also decided to put time in learning Korean. I’m also understanding Korean women now.
Korean women will simply ignore a guy or will lead him on very hard. Instead of telling a guy “I’m not interested”, they’ll lie. I’ve documented my dates and just about all of them were strike outs. The great thing about being rejected is it’s toughening me up. I’m also learning. This is the first time I’ve actually started to really study human behavior outside of the internet. It’s amazing what you find when you’re not living in a bubble.
As strange as it sounds, I’m actually glad I went through what I did with that subreddit! It opened my mind and spirit to how humans react and respond to whatever they read and/or hear on the internet. It got me thinking about how influenced I was by the internet for my real-life decisions. Actually, the internet only intensified them.
I never listened to reason when I was younger. I think it’s fair to say I can’t take 100% of the blame because a lot of who I listened to were people I thought had some sense. I’m a year removed from paying off all of my bills; I’ve take the time to improve myself and remove behaviors that kept me mentally and socially behind. Many people I knew had my best interest in mind but at the end of the day, a good chunk of them were more destructive than constructive.
Really glad I went to church yesterday. I got a confirmation of what I need to do until things cool down. I’ve decided to put my computer up and seriously limit my time on social media (yes, I just said this before but I wasn’t taking it serious). I might do it for 30 days or longer. NO more being tempted to do or say anything or defend myself against a bunch of internet goons.
Through my trials with the subreddit, something else just hit me. I’m addicted to approval. In all I’ve done, I’ve been fake in all of my attempts to connect with people. I haven’t exactly kept my focus on what I need to do and I’m paying the price. It’s great that I’m recognizing this now so I can level up. Honestly, the things I’ve been through this month serves as a reminder…no a realization on humanity.
It’s amazing how you feel when you get enough sleep! I actually stuck to my word on getting better sleep and I woke up feeling great. Went to bed at 9:30pm and woke up at 7:30 am. I was slightly miffed I woke up late (I’m usually up around 5 to 6 am) but thankful I woke up at all! Not many get the chance to do so.
It’s been only one day going into my path of my new improvements. It’s been done before so I know the more I do it, the more it’ll become a habit.
Last night, my mind was almost under attack. Thankfully, my friend Q2 called me out of nowhere. She had some news for me that helped me get over feeling sorry for myself. Being down and depressed is boring! No one likes that! I especially dislike myself when I’m down for no reason!
Right now, I’m taking a major break from studying Korean. The number system for telling time is greatly sophisticated. Makes me wonder what was going through King Sejong’s mind when creating this language. It’s a fun challenge because it’s something productive other than wasting my time on social media.
Any time I am away, I have to force myself to be productive in something. Exercise, live stream, studying, and reading; I have to be productive.
I think I’ll start making movies in English more. We’ll see how the stats work out. Right now, I’m focused on creating good content. Just going to create and share with other people. It doesn’t matter who these days.
It occurred to me my dad prepared me for manhood a LOT better than I realized! He taught me how to maintain a car, how to troubleshoot, how to physically build wood craft, how to cook and gave me the necessary foundations to life! The only way I could come to this conclusion was being out of my safety zone; this is how I could accomplish my training.
From October 1999 to August 2016, I was often in some sort of “safe space”. Yes, I learned some things during that time but nothing could be understood until I was really out of my element. I had to be in a position where I could have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. I also had to be in a spot where it was either sink or swim.
I haven’t worked a “real job” since August last year and everything I’m experiencing right now has been set in stone. Being in my position forced me to improve my YouTube videos and get better in live streaming. I seek to make a profit from my work and I literally cannot afford to slack around.
My mom once told me “the world isn’t kind” and she is not wrong; being here in Korea is proof of this. This isn’t a knock on the Korean people, by the way. The grit here and my willingness to grow shaped me faster in a few months than being in my comfort zone has!
The world tried to shape me into their version of a man and it worked for a period. I was convinced to believe being a real man was bad. I had to do things only “people like [me]” should do. As a black man, I was expected to do “dumb nigga shit” like smoke weed all the time, wear my pants below my waist (aka sagging or “droopy drawers”), speak in Ebonics, and blame the white man for my problems. None of this worked so they attempted to emasculate me.
The emasculation mixed in with me not following the system caused a lot of pain. Many times, I fought the system, I experienced small victories. My problem was not appreciating them. When I was in my safe space, each time trouble pushed me to the edge, I cried and ran away from them. These days, they push me and I push back.
I didn’t realize I had nothing to fear from the general public until I took action! This is why practice exists! Practice helps set the foundation and fundamentals. Putting it in action is the true test. You win, you see what works. If you don’t, you learn a lesson. You never lose!
(Welp, so much for my good mood from the previous entry!)
I’m a 31-year-old black man living in a shack in South Korea with no job, money, or a way to get home. I’m literally broke right now. I decided to create a new Twtich account and return to social media. I was about to go teach but my paperwork expired a few days ago. Streaming is the best option for me to make money until I get my new papers. I don’t know what’s going to come from this!
This isn’t what I had in mind when I got my college degree. Oh, but look, I have opportunities like they said I would! Society is full of broke people that like to tell other broke people how to be rich!
There’s no point in being upset tonight.
I don’t want to go to sleep angry tonight. Tonight sucked. Today, will be much better. All I need to do is sleep. I need to be away from my electronics. Why can’t I keep my word on something like this? I just need to be gone for a while. Away from society, away from toxicity, away until I can build up. YouTuber Michelle Phan just released a new video on doing just this a year ago! I don’t think her coming out with this was a coincidence for me. She was in a position to hear God’s voice and it’s worked wonders for her.
I got too much going on in my mind to hear Him. I just need to sleep it off for a bit.
Sleep worked for a little while. I think I’m going to avoid dating and looking for a job. I forget that when I stop looking and just do, things will come to me. I need to stop approaching people. I need to make more friends in my field. I need a way to build. I need a way to make money now.
Why did I come back to Korea? I was selfish. I thought I could make it on my own with YouTube, Twitch, and other networks. What a dumb decision I made. I invested in myself, did things I’ve never done before and had an experience… I hate this.
I really do hate this. Korea isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The rose-tinted glasses have finally come off. I am sick of Seoul. Korea actually makes me want to kill myself.
I need to find peace with and in God. I’ve been trying to get it through people and as you see, it’s wrecked me pretty good. Looking for peace within people always wrecks me! I think I may have cabin fever. Nah, that’s an excuse. I know I’ve been a little bit of a recluse lately but that’s still no excuse for me. I do not have peace with God. I felt a little peace outside today. I wasn’t actively chasing women. It felt strange but I did have peace. I now understand why I’ve not had peace for so long.
Everything always goes back to 8th grade, I swear. I went through this phase of trying to get recognized by people by just existing. This thought honestly just crossed my mind.
Isaiah 48:22 says, “There’s no peace for the wicked”. Matthew 7:7-8 basically talks about ways to get in touch with God. Yesterday I said I put my trust in my peace through people. In addition, I put my trust and happiness in money, women, and possessions instead of God. I think God had me experience what I thought I wanted to teach me a lesson. Matter of fact, just about everything I’ve written in this journal has been nothing but me learning lesson virtually every day.
I don’t think I’ve EVER been God’s friend.
I used Him more than I became His friend. I’ve never had real peace with Him because I don’t know Him like I think I do. I’ve annoyed so many people with my complaining, I almost lost their friendships. I’ve treated them and God as disposable.
My complaining is keeping me from appreciating the life God has given me. I’m a black man from Texas living in South Korea with ways to tell my story! Who can say this?! I’m sitting here worshipping the god of other people’s view of me. My ego has gotten in the way of my growth. My pride really did come before the fall.
I put more faith and pride in my advantages and abilities instead of God and what I’ve dealt with this week (really, my entire time here) exposed me. In the words of DJ Khalid, “Congratulations, you played yourself”.
Right now, I’ve come to accept that Seoul may not be the best for me. God has allowed me to come to see the city life to come to this conclusion. Either that or He was exposing my weaknesses and brought them to light.
So. What’s going to happen from here on out? Today, I’m going to Taiwan to reset my visa. I will see some friends, meet someone new, explore, and hopefully come back refreshed. Taiwan looks and feels beautiful and I can’t wait to see it for what it’s really worth. I’m REALLY glad I decided to go here instead of back to Japan. Thank you, C.C., for suggesting this to me.
Today’s a new day! Yes, it is.
Taiwan was a necessary trip. I feel relaxed, renewed, and ready to go!
Over the weekend, I met a live streamer by the name of CJayride and he was very cool! He showed me around Taipei and introduced me to the culture. It was a very eye-opening experience. I also met up with my friends from the hostel I worked at in Japan! They’re a Taiwanese couple and they are the salt of the earth! The boyfriend guided me to the hostel he works at and gave me a good deal. His girlfriend was always great for a laugh and made sure we were all fed well.
Speaking of relationships, it was brought to my attention my social media use clouded my judgement on friendships. I talked to someone recently on Kakao; we met only twice in person in four years. I said to her, “I love ya” in a very platonic way and she felt “uncomfortable” with that. In her words, “We haven’t known each other well enough for you to say that to me”.
I already talked about how much social media screwed up my perspective of human relationships. This moment finally turned on that light bulb and made me think. I wasted a LOT of time on social media for years trying to make empty friendships work. I also wasted other people’s time with me just messaging them for the sake of doing so.
A few years back, I read this book called “The Top 10 Distinctions Between Winners and Whiners” and I recall a section that talked about this. The chapter was “Winners are people that others feel happy when they arrive; whiners are people that others feel happy when they leave”. I’ve been the latter for far too long; it’s time I become the former.
I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been PRODUCTIVE! Last week after Taiwan, I’ve been able to teach English to some corporate workers. I also hit up a YouTube collaboration party and made MANY connections with some big and small named people! I also made a new friend in Seoul. He owns two restaurants and is a huge music enthusiast! This guy loves jazz so much, he made that his English name! The last big thing was finding a therapist. Talking to this therapist has kept from blowing up! Things I couldn’t figure out on my own were discovered thanks to talking to her.
My therapist is works for a Christian TV station. Already, we have something in common. She’s also a psychologist. My sessions with her, so far, killed most of what previously bothered me. Our last session had me find it un-full-filling to live my life strictly be about money. I was only focused on it just to have a means to have an experience. Having an experience is a temporary feeling that will eventually go away. There’s nothing wrong with it but I find it’s more rewarding to make connections and helping others.
We also made note of my entitlement. Years ago, my dad once told me, “Shaun, not everyone is like you” and he’s right. I had this high expectation that everyone was supposed to think and be like me just because I approached them. As much as I complain about Koreans expecting others to read their mind, I find myself guilty of doing the same to them and others. All the people I’ve met are either really cool or really flakey. It’s just how it is. A lot of what I’ve learned and experienced are things that went over my head. These 10 months showed me more about myself than the rest of my life! My safe space really kept me grounded.
One last thing my therapy sessions killed was my obsession with hating social justice warriors. As much as they annoy me, I’ve become just as spiteful as them. How does being so hateful towards a group that has zero effect on my livelihood benefit me? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t!
I recently lost C.C. as a friend because of my obsession. I was negative and I don’t blame her for not wanting to associate with me. Losing her was a major blow emotionally because she legit saved my life last year. I had pneumonia and she visited me from Busan, which is about a three to six-hour train, to make sure I didn’t die!
I don’t deserve her.
Today, I’m going to teach and then I’m going to work on editing and then I might stream tonight. My unlimited data will end soon so I might as well make the most of it.
Since I’ve stopped chasing women and put more of my focus on God, I’m seeing results. People are now coming to me and other blessings are making their way towards me. I’m doing what I need to do.
My therapy sessions/bible study has been an eye opener. A lot of what I thought I knew about the Bible showed me I knew next to nothing! My therapist is a great teacher and her enthusiasm makes me enjoy her sessions even more. Since Taiwan, I’ve been calm, cool, and collected.
I really need to hit up the gym again. Monday was probably the hardest I’ve worked my body in quite some time. These last two weeks have shown me how to really control my anger and keep myself in check. I’ve been maintaining my relationship with God more than my friends and family! I go to Him and my parents only for my issues (which I’ve yet to have as of late). Like Joyce Meyer said: [_Go to the Throne, not the phone! _]I’ve been kept in check spiritually and emotionally.
My therapist wanted to increase the sessions to three times a week instead of two. First I said no but then I later changed my mind. Later tonight, my gut spoke to me and said to end the sessions. Something in me said she served her purpose and I needed to trust the process. Scripture does say “seek first the Kingdom” and I’ve done a good job thus far.
My livestreams and YouTube follower/subscription count has been on the rise. I’ve increased my patience in my growth and continued to do so in other areas. I’m teaching English again but on my terms! It’s money in my pocket and it will help while I build. I also want to teach English online also but one thing at a time.
At home, I got great news that since my brother has been staying with our old neighbors, his morale has increased. He’s working two jobs and being a better example towards himself. All he needed was to be in a better environment. When he was still living at home, his knuckleheaded “friends” often came by and got him into trouble. Like me, he’s also away from his comfort zone and is beginning to really grow.
My parents are now empty nesters and I want them to stay that way. My dad is working his new job and my mom is enjoying the peace. I want neither myself nor my brother to go back home to stay. He’s about to be in his mid-20s and I’m about to be 32 this year. It’s not a good look for black men our age to still be at home unless circumstances beyond their control keep them there.
I’ve said this before but it’s making sense now: when I chase, no one comes to me; when I step back and build, everyone wants me! The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck talks about how to make the reverse work in your favor. Instead of striving for happiness, strive for sadness. Happiness will come your way. My dad and I even talked about this years ago but it never made sense. Walking and talking my way to the answer worked yet again!
Yesterday was possibly the best day I’ve had in a VERY long time. My new friend Jazz invited me to go mountain climbing with his friend famous jazz singer Woong San. I was the youngest and the only foreigner on the hike! What’s crazy is earlier this week, I climbed an even bigger mountain so I should have been somewhat more prepared for this one! It felt great being in the company of new people and congregating with them. I broke my creed of no alcohol and took two shots of some drink that Woong San gave to me. She told me it would give me “more stamina”.
If you were to do an internet search for Woong San and look at her, you’d think she was in her 20s.
I was able to finally collaborate with someone from that party earlier this month! YouTuber Lina Woo is her name! She’s a cutie that speaks Korean, English, and SPANISH!!! My goodness, her Spanish is very good!
We walked around Gangnam, ate Mexican food, went to the bookstore, and played catch up since the collab party. She’s a real sweetheart and I learned a few things from her.
Collaborations are important, especially when both parties have something to offer. They’re even better when the person one wants to work with has a big heart. My time with CJay happened because he saw my videos and was impressed with what he saw. He knew who I was through my incident with that one Korean streamer but he looked past that and worked with me anyway. Through him, I learned how to actually be a friend to someone and how to support others.
Growing up, I always had many friends but when 8th grade happened, those same people left me behind for the sake of “being cool”. My views on friendship and companionship was broken since then. It took me going to Taiwan and a willingness to try something new to break that curse.
Lately, I’ve felt less bothered by things I normally would have been bothered with. I was told our video project is undergoing a major change. Oh yeah, this project is with Von. The new idea he came up with is much better than his last one. Guess how he thought of the idea? Walking outside. This man literally walked and talked his way to the answer. Ted Turner talked about this his book; he came up with his TV network by walking outside.
I would have been worried about not being to work on Von’s project (because I really need the money) but i’m calm. I’ve been in this situation before. It’s extreme (no money, no way home) but God has it covered. I just have to maintain the faith and not be worried. Worry can’t win!
I’m going to be mainly about business to people that I want to work with. For casual encounters, I’ll have to keep that to a bare minimum. I have to keep my focus on the fact people want to benefit some way from associating with others, via financially or for a true friendship. I have enough friends and acquaintances; I’m more for business than anything. I mean, I kinda have to be right now since I legit do not have any money.
I can only go to my family for certain personal issues. I’ve said this before but I’ve been seriously enforcing it. I now understand how valuable my time is. Other people know this, too.
Got great news last night! Got word from mom the sanitation workers in Memphis, Tennessee are finally getting compensated for the 1968 sanitation strike! There are only a few surviving (14 to be exact) workers that will receive those funds.
It’s been 49 years since the strike and Dr. Martin Luther King, jr’s death. At that time, my grandfather was a sanitation worker and he marched and carried the famous “I AM A MAN” sign. Mom is doing all she can to make sure the City of Memphis watches my documentary on the subject (YouTube The Crucible of Necessity in case you forgot).
Today, Von sent me a new plan of his new project and it gave me the drive to create something similar. Every time I work with this guy, I’m always driven to be better!
When we first met on Kakao, he sent me a link to his personal website. I click on it and his intro video played. Immediately, it made me ashamed of my intro video on my website. Q looked at Von’s and saw mines and thought mines was “the worst video [he’s] ever seen”.
Remember kids, it’s okay to suck in the beginning; it a prerequisite to being great! I was so driven to make a better demo reel, I visited a video camera shop. The owner showed off one of the cameras that had the option of shooting in a high frame rate (this is what allows your phone to record super slow motion). We played around with it and filmed shots of me walking into his store. I then went home and re-made my demo reel. Since it’s been live, it’s gotten more people interested in my work more so than before.
Being around Von and other goal-orientated people since Taiwan has challenged me to be better. Earlier I talked about my brother being better because of his good company; the same is happening to me.
My mission is to serve God and I accomplish this by listening to Him. For my audience, I provide something to them, they become interested and they become influenced to do something new. I can’t expect to be perfect. I know this now. I can strive for perfection. As of right now, I’m at 1200 followers on Twitch and I managed to get this in four weeks. I just gotta keep on going.
When I was faced with rejection, I’d often force others to do what I wanted through silly ultimatums. I’ve done this to so many big named people over the years. I’ve even done this at previous jobs I worked at! Each time I did that, they’d laugh at me, never call me again and/or was put on a black list. There’s a lot more to this.
My rejections should have fueled me to better myself. Instead, I used my frustrations to never allowed myself to be open towards others. It got so bad, I was used to people screwing me over. At one point, it felt weird having people treat me with respect. I’d often push those people away because, for some reason, I thought they were “below me”. I wanted the “elites” to bring my status up. Ironically, being in Korea got me out of that mindset.
In this country, the mindset of royalty and social hierarchy still exists (as far back to the Joeson dynasty). Observing how Koreans with money treat those without it is very sickening, more so than in the states. I saw myself through these people in my videos and livestreams and it helped me to stop. Today, I choose to be around positive, constructive, and, more importantly, people with drive.
Very early in my entries, I mentioned a teacher from home I worked with. She’s a great folklórico dancer (traditional Mexican dance) and a wonderful person over all. Many years ago, she hired me to film a show she produced. It’s the nativity story told from a Mexican point of view (Nuestra Navidad is the name) and it’s nothing short of amazing. My friend, her daughters, her students, and their friends would perform the traditional dances! I can’t put into words how amazing the show is! You just have to watch it!
I worked with them in 2010 and 2011. I returned to help in 2013 and 2014. 2015 didn’t happen because I returned to Korea. This is where things went south.
The moment I returned to Korea in September 2015, she took me off of her friend’s list on Facebook. I tried to message her to see why but she never returned them. I called her and nothing. It was never said but I had a hunch why she no longer wanted to associate with me.
Back then, I was so desperate for money, I alienated her and her family. When it came to being paid for my services, I constantly called and asked where my money was. Want to point out my actions were not ruthless or anything. I was just annoying. I don’t want to get into too much detail because this was hard enough to write but the bottom line is I lost a great friend. I worshipped the love of money and put that over my friendship. Mrs. G. if you’re reading this, please know that I love you and your family very much and I apologize for the way I acted.
I feel like this is getting out of my system now. I want to be the person that isn’t annoying (without realizing it). At the same time, I know I can’t bend over to make everyone happy. I have to accept everyone’s flaws and go from there.
For the first time since writing, I re-read my previous journal entries and saw where my mind was at. I am thankful for my growth. Right now, times are great. This won’t last forever so I better make the best of it and keep on going! I’m going to continue to do what’s best for me while I move up and improve socially, spiritually, mentally, and physically.
This week, I’m finally moving out of this goshiwon and moving in with Von. He suggested I stay with him while I wait on getting a teaching job. He also wants me to stay with him so we can work on our video projects together. The fact that he has this much confidence in me has me excited! A year ago, I would have felt bad and treat him like crap like I’ve done to others before him.
The people I’ve met since being back in Korea have been nothing but wonderful to me. What’s different about my interactions with them is now we’ve been able to work with and build each other.
As we know, prior to me writing this book, my social interactions consisted of me figuring out ways I can use people instead of building with them. I always thought about myself instead of how I could use my skills to bless others. It took being away from my comfort zone AND not having a steady income to expedite my personal growth. This sounds like common sense but believe you me, prior to last year, my growth was very slow. Writing this and interacting with people in person and on my YouTube/Twitch network helped me to see others dealt with issues similar to mine.
From my teens and through my 20s, I was indoctrinated to believe I needed someone’s permission or approval to grow myself. I mean, it’s good to get help but it all depends on who I am and what I want. It also depends on—wait, that last part was crap. I meant to say it’s good to get help from reliable sources but one cannot be dependent on them all the time to grow. It mainly has to come from within and a willingness to be better.
I recently said I wasn’t going to go to people for randomness. I’ve kept my word on this and people have come to me now! I said this in the past and stuck with it for a little while but I haven’t gone to anyone since returning from Taiwan. If one were to build something big and it’s good, someone in a high position might want to work with you. Of course, this all depends on how well others are able to work with you.
I’ve worked on not calling others, especially people I haven’t talked to in a very long time. Most times, I’ve called people out of the blue just to see how they were doing. One person I know always called me to talk about the same issues and it annoyed me. When I called them out, they said, “You always call me and I always listen!”
The more I call, the less I improved. The more I call, the less work I got done. The more I call, the more I lessened my significance. No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Subtle Art… discussed talking and listening to problems on a regular basis and how & why it’s a waste of time. When you constantly talk to someone outside of a specialist about your troubles, you never spend time solving them. When listening, your time is being wasted.
I don’t have a problem listening to someone’s issues once but if it’s always the same thing or it’s always something else relatable, I get annoyed and choose not to listen any more. I’ve done this to others and they’ve done it to me.
Go to the throne, not the phone!
The times I’ve failed to connect with others was due to me wasting our time. Back in April, a YouTuber helped me out with this indirectly and planted the seed of improvement in me. I see it starting to bloom now. Instead of focusing on my shortcomings and let my mind get taken over, I’m now focusing my energy on being friends with God.
When I started writing this journal, I was trying to find out ways to get paid. Most of my experiences have been documented and exploited my love of having constant shortcomings. Something in me wanted to improve but something else in me also wanted me to stay a slave. No longer being in a position where I comfortable forced me to change my mind.
I feel what stunted my growth from my teens and 20s was staying on the path to being a slave to society. I followed the rules and did what made others happy; my focus on being like everyone else ruled my life. I can sit here all day and blame society for the way I’ve been but that’s way too easy. If there’s anything I really learned from all of this is everything was my fault.
I’m not being hard on myself, it’s true.
I’m glad I lived a life of mediocrity overseas. It showed me how much better I could be through hard times. I had to go through moments of being regular to unlock my bravado. A lot of people go through this in different ways and at different times. At 15-years-old, radio personality Charmalagne Tha God had his awakening when he taunted a future murderer and survived being choked out!
Everyone is fighting their own battles and we can’t bring everyone with us. Sometimes, we have to deal with garbage to deal with our issues. Losing friends, being broke, being over 6000 miles (9656.064 km) away from home, and so on are the things I had to (and currently) deal with to grow. A year before writing this, I was at home with my parents trying to grow until I decided to make my way back to Asia. If it wasn’t for my horrible time in New York, I wouldn’t have met who I met and experienced what I have.
Since October 2014, some sort of revelation about my life shows itself and things work out. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I do know that I will be prosperous. Not just me but the people I surround myself with. I was put on this earth to help others and prosper. I exist to serve and be served. Living my life to be selfish all the time has been detrimental to my growth. Note I said all the time. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish but there has to be balance.
I’ll never be perfect. Even after writing this book, I’m sure I’ll be annoying in various other areas. Either way, I’m looking forward to overcoming that adversity. Since I have the will to get better and I can recognize it, I have a feeling a lot of who I encounter will be blessed with my services.
Wow, I hope it didn’t sound like I had a God-complex with that statement… Let me fix that.
I have the will and means to get better. I can accept my short comings. I can accept being rejected. I can accept being told I’m messing up. What I can’t accept is not putting forth the effort to better myself. I got the idea from Twitter to write journal entries for a year and track my progress. I honestly didn’t think I’d stick with it after a month but here we are a year later.
Three days. Three days I’ve been at Von’s house and we’ve been making typhoons. We sat down and discussed how we’re going to promote black businesses in Korea. Prior to this weekend, I met him four times but it’s very different being in his presence. This man has some serious drive! Heck, I’ve been more fired up to get work done more efficiently being around him. Remember, him showing me his website forced me to improve mines. This was after talking to each other for 15 minutes on SNS! Imagine what can be done just by me living with the guy!
Last night, we started our Black Business Owners in Korea video series and introduced a man in charge of a cryptocurrency company in Seoul. We went right to work and I am excited to get this off the ground. Before meeting Von, I was very skeptical about promoting black businesses because traditionally, black Americans are terrible at supporting black businesses. He put in me to not worry about the negative and instead be the person that promotes.
This is the art of being an entrepreneur: instead of complaining about someone else NOT doing it, be the person that IS doing it! I often preached this, especially with regards to black superheroes in comics, but it makes a lot more sense when you’re actually DOING it. Von told me to never worry if people will spread it or not; he important thing to do is JUST DO IT.
Everything that I’ve experienced in the last year has trained me for this. This drive has awakened something new in me and it’s electrifying! Now I have an idea of how Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson feels when he’s building and creating! No wonder he wakes up every day ready to work and inspire! I don’t want to lose this feeling! This is the kind of high I can get used to! Whoa!
Before I get too ahead of myself, I need to realize and understand that I can’t let consume me. Yes, I want to be a success and move mountains but I never want to forget how I got here. I never want to take this for granted. I never want to get too far to the point where I lose it because of me being an idiot.
Right now, I’m editing video of the interview we did last night. This is the first step towards greatness. Not just for Von and I but for a community of people. I’d type up the progress but we’re coming to the end of me writing for an entire year. Maybe I can continue this on my website.
I’m writing this in a café in Osan, South Korea. I’m glad I’m out of that goshiwon! Seriously, that place was legit killing me! I was in the hospital last week to get my annual checkup and saw that some levels were low! Doing my outdoor live streams in this high humidity plus staying in essentially a hot box wasn’t good for my body.
Writing this book was quite the journey. It took two notebooks I bought in this country to finish this! These last 365 days, I witnessed how much punishment I could take and not die from it! I dealt with a lot of lows and also many highs. Through it all, I’m still alive and it’s been one heck of a journey.
I experienced things most people from my hometown have not. I read more books in a year than I have in possibly my lifetime. This book originally was written as therapy but as time went on, I realized I may have been onto something with my experiences. Sharing my porn and suicide testimonials helped people. Being authentic to an audience of people I don’t know on YouTube and Twitch helped people. Sharing tidbits of my words even helped people!
Writing this was a lot of fun (yes, even during the times when I was in pain) and I hope you enjoyed reading this. Whether you bought this legally, borrowed this, or even illegally torrented this book, I’m glad you had an interest in my story and how I decided to improve myself. Just because you’re done reading this, it doesn’t mean my story is done (unless of course I’m dead by the time you’re reading this. Hey, I expect this book to last a while!). There’s still a lot that needs to be done in my life. The same goes for you, too, reader!
Our life is like one big giant book. We turn the pages in our story through our actions. We go to the next chapter through our mindset. The only thing that matters is action. In your story, don’t let what people who don’t take action tell you how to live. They don’t live your life. They also probably don’t live a rewarding and inspiring life. The path to being less or annoying or less of whatever quirk you have starts with the first step.
You’re a lot better than you think you are. Go out there and prove it to yourself. Pay no mind to the naysayers. Wait, listen to them! Use their doubt as your fuel but don’t do it just to prove them wrong! Do it to prove to yourself that you got this! Know and understand that resistance is necessary to growth. If no one is trying to stop you from doing big things, you’re not trying hard enough. After you read this book, I challenge you to do the same thing: write a journal of most of what has happened and keep track of your improvements. If you enjoy what you’ve read, please go to my site www.shaunwebbmedia.com and message me or e-mail me: dtwoprod[at]gmail[dot]com.
If you’re on YouTube, check out my channel “Shaun On Site”. From there, you can find my Twitch channel and other social media outlets.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read this. Peace and love and I’ll see you guys around.
â€œThose hardest to love are the ones that need it the mostâ€ - black southern mama A black man travels around the world to walk his way to the answer. Wait, thatâ€™s a bad start. How about a black man finds out heâ€™s annoying and heâ€™s trying to figure out how to undo 30 years worth of social engineering in 365 days? That might work! Shaun takes us on a journey from junior high school, a moment where 14-year-olds were â€œtrying to be coolâ€, to a period of teaching English in South Korea, being sent on a wild goose chase for a job, working with Japanese adult stars & their managers, and slowly realizing his college degree means jack squat. A collection of hand-written journal entries and a memoir, â€œHey! Iâ€™m Shaun! And Iâ€™m Annoyingâ€ calls to help understand how and why him and others in similar situations are/were internet educated, inexperienced, and weak mentally, spiritually, and physically.