What people are saying about Darya Haitoglou
She has an incredible gift… Cameron Gallagher
It changed my life… Malcolm Clark
It’s like nothing I’ve tried before… Sara Alshareef
Inspiring & motivating… Genna Louise-Ingold
I don’t understand how she does it. Amazing…Yulya Tretyakova
She went straight to the root of the problem Alja Belova
Credible & engaging… Sharon Loeschen
She works on so many different levels… Melanie Watters
Inspiring… Marianne Craig
10 SECRETS TO REKINDLE YOUR INTIMATE LIFE
by Darya Haitoglou
Copyright © 2016 Enrich Your Relationships by Darya Haitoglou
Book Cover Design and Illustrations by Natalya Kharitonova
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, or by any means whatsoever, without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations used in critical articles or reviews.
This book is intended as an informational guide. The remedies, approaches, and techniques described herein are meant to supplement, and not to be a substitute for, professional medical care or treatment. They should not be used for a serious ailment without prior consultation with a qualified healthcare professional.
Printed in the United Kingdom
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Haitoglou, Darya; Enrich Your Relationships (Beginners Guide): 10 Secrets To Rekindle Your Intimate Life, ISBN-13: 978-1515095347, ISBN-10: 1515095347
Summary: This practical book is for anyone looking to re-evaluate their communication style and take their relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. Full of advice, research and case-studies, the book also contains a selection of life-changing exercises that can be undertaken in a matter of minutes. This guide is highly recommended for couples who struggle to balance their work, life and relationship cycles, new parents, those in long-term partnerships and individuals or couples with intimacy issues. It will also benefit anyone searching for their soulmate or those that simply strive to create happy relationships from the start and transform their intimacy into a positive and fruitful experience.
Darya is famous for her transformational skills to improve people’s lives. When asking people about her coaching, events or retreats, you would come across and hear:
“WOW! Darya is an ABSOLUTE ROCKSTAR! I’ve been coaching in high performance and life coaching for nearly 9 years – I’ve met some incredible coaches and Darya is ABSOLUTELY amongst the best I have met. She has an INCREDIBLE gift of knowing what to ask you, where to direct you and how to help you find the GOLD NUGGETS that make ALL the change happen, and happen so fast. I’m so incredibly impressed with her skill, but more than that she is just an absolutely AMAZING human being and a pleasure to be around. You’d be crazy not to work with her!” – Cameron Gallagher, Entrepreneurs Mental Performance Expert, Founder The Emergent Entrepreneur.”
“Darya is an amazing talent. I have had the privilege of training her in the Virginia Satir based program entitled, Enriching Your Relationship with Yourself and Others, and have seen how brilliant, dynamic, productive and creative she is. I would encourage anyone to participate in her training as I believe they will come away feeling gifted with new information and, more importantly, with new heart connections with themselves and others. – Sharon Loeschen, LCSW, President of the Virginia Satir Global Network
Dedicated to my soulmate and partner Alexander and our children Dimitri and Nikolai.
May you live your lives to the fullest and feel enriched and blessed in many ways.
When I was 14 years old, I saw a poster in my home city that was for a workshop called ‘Increase Your Confidence’, and like most of teens, I was interested in doing so. Before that event, I had very low self-esteem. I had very few real friends. I was bullied at school and I had a skin condition that was so visible that I was ashamed of my body. I was shy about embarking on any meaningful relationships and focused mainly on myself. After undertaking the training, I immediately felt a sense of freedom and gratitude as the words and techniques I had witnessed not only impacted me on that day but genuinely for the rest of my life. I would dearly love to see every school offering their students this type of workshop due to the fact that we now live in a world of virtual reality, fake identities, celebrity culture and superficial communication. Being the true You is vital. It is essential to feel good about yourself and young adults are the ones who, I believe, suffer the most. At the core is how to stay feeling beautiful, lovable, worthy, able and capable of whatever we want to do. Ultimately, be true to ourselves and decide what you want. To start this journey, we all need to see our own and each other’s inner worth. This in itself will help enrich relationships and create more congruent families who are happy, love-rich and blame-free.
With love & gratitude,
PREFACE: Your Inner Diamond p.12
Why this book p.21
Structure of this book p.22
Why intimate relationships? P.25
Chapter 1: Explore vs. routine p.30
Chapter 2: Nourish vs. deplete p.39
Chapter 3: Respond vs. react p.52
Chapter 4: Imagine vs. will-power p.59
Chapter 5: Communicate vs. assume p.65
Chapter 6: Hug & Humour vs. withdraw p.71
Looking forward looking back p.82
ENRICH questionnaire p.87
About the Author p.95
“The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people, the hardest is with one.”
- Joan Baez
According to many psychologists, the average lifespan of the ‘falling in love’ stage is about two years. Once this time has passed, often the magic wears off and people are left disappointed. They may even start looking for new bonds as they question the very essence of love. But what is ‘love’?
Some people say that love is something ephemeral, unpredictable and unexplainable. Hard to get and hard to keep. They say it is like a ‘fairy mist’ that casts the spell on one another.
Some believe that it comes from God and that prayer makes it perfect. Some believe that love is the essence of life and its spiritual purpose.
Some believe that love is when you find the perfect match and then jump from partner to partner searching for ‘true’ love. In this case, what mostly happens is that they find themselves ‘falling in love’ again and again.
The truth is, when we understand that our emotions have a biological, hormonal explanation including ‘falling in love’ and ‘being in love’, it suddenly makes more sense. Science has already answered questions on who our ideal partner could be and how to find a soul-mate based on our hormonal cocktail. Take, for example, the research by Dr Helen Fisher on four types of hormonal circuits that are evolutionary wired within us: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and oestrogen. According to her anthropological case studies of long-term relationships, people with a leading dopamine circuit are called EXPLORERS. They are risk-takers, adventurous, spontaneous, can easily go into extremes of happiness and despair, lovers of change, travel and life in general. These EXPLORERS find their ideal partner from their own group.
The opposite of EXPLORERS are BUILDERS. They are loyal, reliable, pragmatic, traditional, conservative, stable and predictable. BUILDERS are led by a serotonin circuit. They find their ideal partner from their own group too.
DIRECTORS have a leading testosterone circuit. They are dominating, decision-makers, leaders and managers of others and are strong-willed. Their ideal match is not from their own group but from the last set known as NEGOTIATORS.
NEGOTIATORS, oestrogen-led circuit people, who are empathetic, social, friendly, amiable, and emotionally in-touch. They are mostly attracted by and to DIRECTORS. For more details, watch Helen’s TED talk.
Her simple explanation is that if we knew what type of person was our ‘ideal partner’ we would not make as many bad relationship choices. In other words, there would be less family break-ups and more healthy and fruitful long-term partnerships.
My limited experience extends to two marriages, but I can support this research with practice. According to Fisher’s research I am an EXPLORER and NEGOTIATOR and my first husband was a BUILDER and a little bit of an EXPLORER. So it was a mismatch. When we first met, I thought that we were similar (EXPLORER talking) but when we started living together, I realised he was very traditional, loyal and practical (BUILDER). Our marriage didn’t work out. Guess what, eventually I found my ideal partner, an EXPLORER-DIRECTOR who is perfect for my EXPLORER-NEGOTIATOR personality. We have been living happily ever after.
So the first point is that you need to set up a good foundation and have a partnership that is hormonally & values-matching, otherwise you have to work harder on making your relationship work!
Also, there are times when there are high stress levels (e.g. a difficult event in life), when we need to get into balance. We need some tools to help us get into shape emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Those who have lived in marriages for a long time, even with ‘ideal partners,’ know that at times help is needed and help is needed fast. Often, we are subconsciously looking for someone to learn secrets from about how to enrich relationships so we can take those gems and apply them to our life. At times, I wished that I had a compilation of some helpful strategies when I needed them to go through tough bits of my life. With this in mind, I have written this book.
So to make it easier for you, the reader, secrets are in fact exercises and they are split into six chapters. I have included one or two in each chapter for the beginner’s level. They are simple to do and you can apply them in your everyday life. For those who are ready for more, there is an advanced guide with 50 more exercises.
To make it even simpler and to help you get started, you can begin with a questionnaire to help clarify which chapter you should start with. You can find the ENRICH questionnaire at the back of the book.
I believe every person has a diamond inside them which is covered in dirt. This is like any diamond that is underneath the ground hiding amongst other rocks. Generally, people don’t like to show the dirt that surrounds their diamond, so they create a sugary coating to sustain and hide all that is inside it. The cover that they like to show to the world is not really them. It’s their mask that they have learnt to put on in order not to feel hurt. Because sometime in the past someone told them they were not good enough, or they were not worthy enough to be who they are, and they needed to become someone else. Someone better. Probably these beliefs were made with the best intention to protect that diamond, but became no longer useful for a person in their adulthood. In order to feel free and for the soul to grow, we need to clean that diamond from the dirt around it. Quite simply, one needs to crack through the sugary crust. It is not comfortable, and it is not beautiful to allow dark, private stuff to slip out of a good-looking sugary crust, but it is paramount in order to allow the diamond to be clean so it radiates and shines! This is the art of life and the most important thing I believe we live for. To be honest I love helping to crack that crust and have people polish that diamond and feel their diamond’s worth. I always intend to raise their worth and with that, their self-esteem.
What I regularly see in my coaching and training practice is that 9 out of 10 people undervalue themselves. My bet is that you also undervalue your diamond. And what we want to do here, while you are reading this book, is to help you raise your self-esteem and see, clean and polish your inner diamond.
In my life so far I have had the privilege of working with many experts in the field of psychology, family and couple therapy, neuro-linguistics and coaching, neuro-science, quantum-physics and much more. Throughout my quest to raise my own self-esteem, accept my identity and find my destiny, I have travelled the world and participated in coaching and training programmes for myself in order to learn from the best in the field. From this, I have practiced and condensed the many strategies that I have learnt over the course of my life into a simple structure to help people raise their self-esteem and achieve the relationships they’ve always wanted. What came out of this collection was an experiential workshop and then an ENRICHing programme that consisted of workshops, coaching and retreats. Working with families and couples and analysing what makes them happy and love-rich, I noticed that some strategies and exercises were helping better than others. The items that helped the most were learning to love yourself, stopping the blaming of others and communicating in a different way to live a happier life. As I was putting the structure of big topics into relationship bands, such as; Explore vs. routine, Nourish vs. deplete, Respond vs. react, Imagine vs. willpower, Communicate vs. assume, Hug & Humour vs. withdraw, I realised that they all fitted in the word ENRICH. So I kept them and now run workshops based on this structure. They have also become the titles of the six chapters in this book.
Chapter 1. Explore vs. routine
Chapter 2. Nourish vs. deplete
Chapter 3. Respond vs. react
Chapter 4. Imagine vs. willpower
Chapter 5. Communicate vs. assume
Chapter 6. Hug & humour vs. withdraw
In this book you will find transcribed interviews and stories of clients. Names have been changed, but the stories are real. I hope these practical examples help you to see your relationships from a different angle and learn what you need to do to allow your diamond to shine brighter.
You can start at any exercise in this book. Give yourself a chance to be surprised. Then you can decide which tools are best for you. Even if you only regularly apply one of these tools in your life, you will experience amazing shifts.
Statistics are quite alarming on intimate relationships. In many Western countries the divorce rate already sits at above 50%, like the USA (53%), France (55%), Spain (61%) whilst divorce in Belgium is now at a staggering 70%! ^^i^^
And I can understand why. Generally, we are not taught at school nor at university on how to make a marriage work. The model shown by our parents is no longer valid in current times. Many of our families are dysfunctional and we sometimes don’t have role models if our parents are divorced or have been abusive. So it is hard. I wish I had known some basic facts about relationships and how to enrich them when I was choosing my partners. I learnt by trial and error, but it doesn’t mean everyone needs to! I wish I could read Anatomy of Love by Helen Fischer or visit Esther Perel’s office for a session. I thought I was able to do it all myself, but the reality is that we cannot change a system from within. We need to reach out for help to gather some outside perspective.
_ If you’re gonna tell your life story, you gotta be honest, or don’t do it._
̶ R. Kelly
It feels strange that I’m writing this book. I had always thought I was better at mathematics than with words, and I studied economics because I thought the written language was too difficult for me. Obviously, that belief is no longer in my head.
This book is largely about the beliefs we have about ourselves and what relationships we are having, want to have or ‘should’ be having. I put ‘should’ in brackets as it is probably something we have learnt as a model from the culture and environment we grew up in, and most probably from our parents. I believe in saying ‘thank you’ to our parents and also saying (even without saying to them) ‘I have grown up now and can make my own decisions and I make choices that I believe are good for me. I’ve learnt a lot from the two of you and it is time for me to build the relationships I believe I want to have in my life the way I feel are right for me’. It took me some time to say that and life has simply catered for the rest.
Meanwhile, I would like to thank the many people who are in my life, and by just being there. They have contributed to this book.
Firstly, my parents, Olga and Yury. I love them dearly and I know they have been the best parents for me.
I also thank my sister Polina who I cherish. I think she is an amazing human being. She has inspired me in so many ways.
I thank from the bottom of my heart my husband, partner and soulmate, Alexander. I feel so proud we are together and for what he achieves in his life.
I would also like to thank my teachers and my friends who provide daily inspiration. Sharon Loeschen & Marianne Craig for continuous mentorship support and invaluable feedback. Victoria Stanford, Tracey Tannenbaum and the LitCrit Team for the editing of the book. Julia Seyatelevaya & Melanie Watters for giving precious feedback. Natalya Kharitonova for illustrations and the design of the book cover. Igor Khromov for the author picture. And every person who I have worked with and who has crossed my path.
Last, but not the least, I thank the participants of my workshops, my clients and you, the reader of this book. I wish for the best things to happen in your life and by being the best version of yourself, you can make your relationships and this world a better place.
Visit: http://www.Shakespir.com/books/view/614246 to purchase this book to continue reading. Show the author you appreciate their work!
This practical book is for anyone looking to re-evaluate their communication style and take their relationship to a deeper, more intimate level. Full of advice, research and case-studies, the book also contains a selection of life-changing exercises that can be undertaken in a matter of minutes. This guide is highly recommended for couples who struggle to balance their work, life and relationship cycles, new parents, those in long-term partnerships and individuals or couples with intimacy issues. It will also benefit anyone searching for their soulmate or those that simply strive to create happy relationships from the start and transform their intimacy into a positive and fruitful experience. What you will learn in this book: - How to stay ‘in love’ long-term - How to rekindle intimacy and passion with your partner - How to keep erotic desire in relationships - How to attract your soulmate - How to create a happy relationship with the partner you want About the Author: Darya Haitoglou Psychologist and Relationship Coach BA(Hons), MSc(Dist), MPhil, BScPsy, MTNLP With ten years of coaching and talent management, Darya has a passion to help people fulfil their potential and be the best they can. Throughout her experience of being a full-time working mum, a student, a coach and a leader in multi-national corporations, she has found a simple way of helping people raise their self-esteem and get the relationships and life they want. After graduating with First Class Honours in Economics followed by a Masters’ of Philosophy from Cambridge University, Darya went to Japan to study cross-cultural management. Later she returned to the UK and studied psychology while working for eight years in Marketing & Human Resources for a large global company. There she also trained coaches to fulfil their potential. She now has a private coaching practice with high profile families and creates and conducts life events, workshops and retreats as part of the Enrich Your Relationships Programme.