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Don't Eat Humans: A Dragon's Rulebook on Life

Don’t Eat Humans: A Dragon’s Rulebook on Life






Shakespir EDITION



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Copyright © 2016 by Geltab



All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.


This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.


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Don’t Eat Humans: A Dragon’s Rulebook on Life


First of all, congratulations! You have reached the age of reading, which to us Dragons means around one thousand human years. You survived your weaknesses, countless attacks and attempts to steal and or cage you failed; now you are far too large for anyone to do anything to stop you from exerting your will. Unless they’re ready to die horribly!

It’s true what they say; the first thousand years really are the hardest. If you will allow me, I shall now attempt to instruct you on the proper first steps of behavior past your first millennium, just a short introduction.


#1 Never let them see you flail!


A flailing Dragon struggling to fly is a funny Dragon, and that will never do! Learn to fly in seclusion, you know this already, but some must learn the hard way. Always use a mountain or secluded forest, find the high ground then flap and flail until your clumsiness disappears! Pesky humans, dwarves, elves, trolls, or other nasties watching you learn to fly would shatter the myth of Dragon flight and diminish their fear of us, this can never happen!

Every Dragon knows about the famous example of the “Accidental cooking of 947.” In the year 947, on the world Cimarlec, in the city of Jaivernin, the Dragon Ul-Kek Zexara was learning to fly. Only it was cold and frozen outside, and as the Dragon tried to run and take off he comically slipped here and there on the ice flailing and flopping. Most of the city was there watching at a distance, and they laughed and laughed at the spectacle.

Ul-Kek kept trying and falling over and over, slipping and tripping. The city inhabitants were heartily entertained, and having the great sense of humor we Dragons have, Ul-Kek began to laugh at himself with the people of Jaivernin.

Except he was young and inexperienced, he laughed too deeply igniting his fire glands. By the time he stopped laughing and opened his eyes thousands were burned to nothing but ash, and those that remained were running and screaming in fear. Ul-Kek did only one right thing that day, he flew away. Having left the city in ruins and the inhabitants destroyed, Ul-Kek helped to reinforce our reputation as nothing but treasure hungry monsters. No one remembered the laughter or sickening “good time.” a few moments earlier. Just as it should be, the mortals of the world can never know the truth about Dragons. That we enjoy a good joke and relaxing in volcanoes like humans enjoys hot baths.


#2 Dragons don’t get hot…or cold!


I know, I know, I hear you mumbling already, “but me cold and hot all the time grrr!” Well of course you are! That doesn’t mean the fleshy little things of all the worlds need to know about it! That’s right loudmouth, just keep it to yourself. So when they’re watching you with that deer in the torchlights look, just jump into a volcano to show them you are impervious and fear nothing! Then when their jabbering in amazement, hide and scream while your outer skin falls off.

When it comes to you poor Dragons up north in the frozen wastelands suffering from extreme shrinkage, there’s only one way to impress the humans who dare live in or near such cold. Icicle breath! It works every time, yes you will have reverse indigestion for weeks, but to show the little fleshy guys you are divine it’s worth all the pain.

Since your stomach will be problematic anyway, eat a few Borker Seals off the top of the ice, tusks and all. I know it’s disgusting to eat them raw, but humans are impressed by that sort of thing, and it will add to your badassedness in their eyes. Good luck and stay close to the fire to help your shrinkage!


#3 You are mean and ferocious…act like it!


I know as a Dragon what you, as another Dragon is now thinking. Every Dragon’s favorite thing in the Multiverse is flowers! Mine are little wild daisies, the way the light plays off the colors in the different suns, but ahem…I mean ROAR!

Moving on… no one outside of our telepathic Dragon connection knows we love flowers and they never will! Nor will they know where wildflowers originate. They will never know each time a Dragon dies, under the body a multitude of flowers grow forever creating giant fields of wildflowers and colors never seen.

Well, I’m done here for now. I know what you’re thinking ‘that’s it?’ Yes, that’s it. I despise using this primitive human tool; you can hear my thoughts, just listen for them! Anyway, I’m off to pretend to be a tough guy while keeping flowers hidden, no more wasting time with these funny little squiggly things, plus I ate the translator. Goodbye Dragons.



Don't Eat Humans: A Dragon's Rulebook on Life

  • ISBN: 9781311019080
  • Author: Geltab
  • Published: 2016-03-05 02:40:05
  • Words: 1048
Don't Eat Humans: A Dragon's Rulebook on Life Don't Eat Humans: A Dragon's Rulebook on Life