Copyright © 2016 by Breizy T.
All Rights Reserved.
All along I had been thinking the love was mutual. It wasn’t.
All along I was reading signs and thinking he was doing what he was doing because he was afraid I would hurt him. So I stayed, continuing to try to prove to him that I wouldn’t hurt him. But that wasn’t the issue.
All along I listened to excuses and accepted them.
He hurt me and I forgave him.
He gave me less then I deserved and I accepted it.
For an entire year, I had been hopeful that the man I was seeing would open his heart and love me unconditionally. But all he did was make excuses about why he couldn’t express that kind of love for me. The entire time, I believed that we would work through our fears and begin to truly express love for one another openly. But after 12 months that day never came.
The whole time I just wanted to feel safe enough to open up the floodgates and let all of my love come rushing at him. But every time I tried he pulled away just enough to let me know that love wasn’t welcomed.
And then, one day, he sent me the most heartbreaking text I had ever received. As soon as I read it, I accepted a harsh reality.
HE. DID. NOT. WANT. ME.
And that text…
Well, it was my last straw.
I was finally strong enough to walk away. Let it go. End the relationship.
OK let me be honest. That was no relationship. Although I spent a hopelessly hopeful year waiting for this clown to commit, I can NOT call it relationship. I guess it was more of a situationship. Like a fling or whatever.
Anyway … whatever it was … I ended it.
Now fast forward to today.
…and my life has taken a 180 degree turn.
As I am sitting here writing this book, I am lying beside my fiancé. We are talking about (well, having a disagreement about) communication, sex, and whether or not he is comfortable with me sharing my story with the world. He is not communicating with me about his true feelings and I am the type of girl who needs an ‘explanation’ for everything.
We talk a lot.
Let me rephrase—I talk a lot. He listens and gives input a lot.
Some people will think that this is a sign of relationship problems, like why is this girl telling us to get the ring when she is having a disagreement with her man? Some people see having disagreements and heated conversations as a sign that there is “trouble in paradise”. Hell, I used to think the same way. But as I got older, as I went through a number of bullshit ‘relationships’ (and I use that term lightly), I matured and realized that a man who is willing to listen to you, talk things out, and make an effort to change his perspective to see things from your point of view is a man that you can work with.
And that is what a relationship is… It’s WORK.
So, if you are saying that you are tired of attracting the bullshit ‘relationship’, and you want REAL commitment—but you don’t want to WORK for it and WORK to keep it—then you can close this book right now.
This book is for those who want the loving relationship, and are willing to WORK for it. Anything and everything in life that you want requires WORK.
As for me, I wanted a REAL RELATIONSHIP. Not because I couldn’t be happy without one, but because I have a son and I want to show him a family dynamic. I wanted him to see and experience a woman being able to love a man the way HE (my son) deserves to be loved. And, as his mother, I am his role model, and what he sees in my life is how he will learn to live his life. So, yes, I could have shown him that independent, single woman who doesn’t NEED a man, but what would that have taught my son about relationships and the role he should play as a man in one? As a mother, my life and decisions are not just about me and they don’t only affect me. It is my duty to show him that a man is to be valued and loved, and not treated like an optional accessory for a woman’s life.
Now, as for you—you don’t have to justify why you want a REAL RELATIONSHIP. You don’t have to have a deep emotional or logical reason why. You can want one just because you want one. I certainly can respect a person who says that they want it just because—with no explanation as to WHY. It shows that you have no issue expressing and going after what you want and THIS is the type of attitude and strength that you are going to need in order to FINALLY attract that love that you deserve and have been longing for.
Now, keep in mind that throughout this journey you will hear things such as, “I don’t need a man,” or many other relationship degrading comments. Our society and culture have successfully used the difficulty in finding and sustaining a loving relationship to create a defense mechanism for women who do not have one. Lots of women buy into this defense of “I don’t need a man” because they do not have one and/or they’ve been hurt or wasted their time with one. However, developing the “I don’t need a man” mindset is one of the unhealthiest outlooks and attitudes a woman could have—that is if she REALLY wants one.
Now, this is not to demean the women who have dealt with serious issues in relationships that caused these feelings and emotions. I totally understand and can relate to the independent woman who has tried to give her heart and ended up getting her heart completely broken. I can also totally relate to (and have been) the woman who has been in numerous relationships and been fucked over back to back—undeservedly! Trust me; I get it. The “I don’t need a man” mentality is born from hurt, disappointment, and women being FED-the fuck-UP. However, it also starts to become a self-fulfilling prophecy when this attitude is adopted and clung to. So, while we as women have this attitude for a reason, we also have to mature and learn that we cannot attract a man if we are giving off vibes like we don’t need one.
The truth of the matter is we don’t NEED a man. We ALL know this, and men know this as well.
But we WANT a relationship. Our souls crave the love, affection, and adoration of another human being. Our bodies naturally desire intimacy and the pleasure that another human can bring to us. It’s not mandatory that we have it for survival so it’s not a need. But we want it to experience pleasure, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, happiness, and a bond because it makes us feel good, appreciated, and valued—this is a want.
So, if you WANT a relationship—Congratulations! You stumbled across a book that is going to break down:
1. Why your relationships have failed.
2. The exact kind of relationship you want.
3. What you need to do to get the relationship you want (yes, remember I said it requires WORK on your part).
4. Getting the commitment.
The last thing I want you to keep in mind before going on this journey is that, well, this is a journey—and a journey requires commitment. You must commit to moving forward and putting in a little effort each day. There are so many people who believe that they are entitled to the joys of life. While we ALL deserve the joys, I want you to understand that deserving anything comes from putting in effort … and I am not talking about the effort that you feel you’ve put into your past “go nowhere” relationships. I am talking about the effort that you put into YOURSELF. When I say that this will be a journey and that effort is required for you to get to the end goal, I am talking about this being a journey of discovering things about yourself and the effort that is required to shift some of your beliefs, habits, and perceptions.
Over the last 10 years, I have read tons of books, blogs, quotes, speeches, and motivational material about how to attract love. I know ALL the cliché sayings that my mother and grandmother told me about love. I have been told Bible verses and even had friends and family members who are happily married tell me what I was doing wrong and what I needed to work on. I was AWARE of what I should do and what I needed to do to make some changes in my love life BUT there was ONE major thing missing—there was tons of advice, but no one was showing me HOW to make the changes they suggested. I am the type of person who can acquire knowledge, but knowing what needs to be done wasn’t enough for me. You can tell me the steps to change a tire but that doesn’t mean that I can go outside and know how to follow those steps. So, when writing this book, I decided to make it more than just telling you what needs to be done. I also wanted to give you 1. Real, tangible things to do. 2. Real questions to answer. 3. An opportunity to speak to me directly to get ‘next steps’ that are tailored to your personal situation, life, and needs. Lastly, you can ask me for advice, guidance, and suggestions directly. I am going to SHOW you how to do it and be a part of this journey with you.
So, if you are ready to go on a short journey, do some work, be open to new perceptions, and take steps to become vulnerable enough to have open conversations and periodic check-ins on your progress then you, my dear, are READY to learn how to invite REAL LOVE into your life.
One last thing, grab a notepad and a pen.
Let’s get started.
Chapter 1: The Mirror
It was 2011, probably around February or March, and I was miserable. Nothing was going right in my life and I was in the WORST relationship EVER. My boyfriend (thank God he is my ex now) was the most insecure and jealous person I had ever met. Thinking back to all of his personality traits that I HATED makes me cringe to this day. I seriously look back and wonder what the hell I everrrrrr saw in that man.
In the beginning of the relationship I was impressed by the fact that he had a decent job, talked about finances as if they were stable, had his own vehicle and his own place; he was attractive, attentive, and, most importantly, he was a huge part of his kids’ lives. We clicked immediately and began spending a ton of our free time together. Getting to know him was fun and we wanted the same things in life—marriage, potentially more kids, a house in the suburbs, and entrepreneurship.
We continued to date up until the moment in which we started talking about moving in together and ring shopping. He proposed on my birthday in front of my entire family; it was a very sweet proposal with a 2 carat ring (that I was absolutely in LOVE with!). Shortly after the proposal, I decided to start my first business part time. I had to do quite a bit of networking and meeting new people, and started having a little less time for the relationship.
And this is when ALL hell broke loose. This is the moment where his mask came off and I was no longer talking to the representative.
Well, honey, let me tell you. My ex became SUPER jealous, suspicious, sneaky, and insecure. He accused me of being personally interested in the men that I networked with for business. He began questioning my whereabouts to the point where I felt like I was in a damn interrogation. He began doubting my intentions for wanting to be with him and requested reassurance that I loved him frequently. He started snooping through my business files, laptop and Facebook, and went through my phone. Things hit the freaking FAN when one of my business mentors advised me that my ex had called him at 2:00 am to question him. WTF?
After four months of this ridiculous behavior, tired and worn out at the thought of yet ANOTHER ‘go nowhere’ relationship and feeling like a failure AGAIN, I was literally at my wits’ end. I ended the relationship. I just could not understand what I did to deserve such treatment. I never cheated, never even had the desire to cheat or entertain another guy. I was beyond confused.
So, back to single-land it was for me. Back to the drawing board. Back to the reality that marriage was nowhere in sight. Back to watching all the “My man loves me” and “We’re pregnant” Facebook statuses go up my timeline and wondering, WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?
I was literally at the lowest of low points in my life, not because I NEEDED a relationship to be happy, but because it was something that I genuinely wanted and I did not know what else I could possibly do to get it. I mean SERIOUSLY! I felt like the relationship gods were playing a horrible game of craps with my life. Dating and relationships had dealt me the WORST hand time and time again and it just seemed unfair. I started having thoughts that there was seriously something wrong with me. Like maybe it was just not meant for me to be in a relationship. I had had my heart broken sooooooo many times, and every time I found the strength to pick myself up, give love another shot, muster up the faith and belief that there were good men out there, and get a little excited that maybe this one was THE ONE—it turned out to be the same damn thing!
Frustrated, defeated, and hurt; my confidence was at an all-time low. I literally felt like I had nothing left to give … and was on the verge of giving up on love.
But, because I have NEVER given up on a damn thing in my life, a few days later, sitting at work, I became curious about my consecutive relationship failures. So, I googled something about experiencing numerous failed relationships and began to read a blog that changed my ENTIRE life. I don’t remember the actual website or URL (I wish I did so I could credit them with my paradigm shift) but these words stuck out like a sore thumb:
“Relationships are the mirror in which we see ourselves.”
Think about that for a second. Let it sink in.
After pondering over this statement for a few minutes I thought to myself, If a relationship is the mirror, then the person you are in a relationship with must be YOUR reflection.
That thought was overwhelming; I could not possibly be ANY-FREAKING-THING like my ex! With ALL of those issues he had, I knew I was nothing like him. He was a liar, he was jealous and controlling and I was miserable with him. I just KNEW that none of his insecure ass characteristics were a reflection of my characteristics.
I totally rejected the idea that a relationship is a mirror. I went straight into denial.
But the truth was my ex WAS a reflection of me. If I did not possess the same characteristics that he had, I would have never attracted him, nor would I have ever been attracted TO him.
I am sure you have heard of the law of attraction. Well, let me tell you IT’S REAL. Attraction is how everything, good or bad, manifests in your life. And at the time I was in a dark place. I had gone through tough breakups, financial issues, problems at work, being a single mom, and the death of my father (just to name a few things). I was literally carrying around the emotional baggage and scars from all of the shit I had been through. And, needless to say, my energy field was projecting ALL of my shit. Bottom line is, by holding on to all of the bad stuff that happened to me, I was attracting more bad stuff.
So, how did I go from attracting someone like my no-good ex to attracting the most attentive, loving, and dedicated man I’ve ever met? Well, first I had to learn a few things. I had to learn the law of attraction and how it was working against me so I could change it to work for me. So here was my first step.
The definition of attraction in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is:
1. 2 : the action or power of drawing forth a response : an quality.
2. 3 : a force acting mutually between particles of matter, tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation.
Think of yourself as a magnet. A magnet creates a magnetic field around itself, similar to the energetic field we as humans create around ourselves. Magnets are made of iron, nickel, cobalt, and/or aluminum so they are attracted to and stick to things with those materials in them. For example, steel is made of iron, iron is one of the materials in a magnet, therefore magnets attract and stick to anything that’s steel. Notice that there are some things that a magnet won’t stick to. They don’t stick to glass or plastic—and that’s because these things do not have the same materials within them as does the magnet. Therefore, if the magnet is NOT attracted, the magnet will not pull the plastic or glass to itself to create a bond. But the magnet WILL pull toward and bond with an item that has within it the same materials as are in the magnet.
We are just like magnets! Now let’s apply this scenario to your life.
Every living being has an energetic field surrounding them. You don’t believe me? Well, think about this—you have been around someone, maybe someone you don’t know or never met before, and you just get this vibe from them. You can’t explain it, you don’t know why you feel the way you feel, but you KNOW something about this person is off. This happens because you are sensing something about their energy field. The energy that they are giving off is repelling you; it’s basically turning you off.
Energy fields are made of what is inside of you—your thoughts, beliefs, views, fears, insecurities, characteristics, attitude, and, most importantly, your EMOTIONS. All of these things give off energy. And this energy can be felt by others just as well as you can feel their energy. It is an unspoken language that you may not be aware of.
And all of those things that are inside of you, whether positive or negative, are what you will attract to you. Like a magnet.
If what is inside of you is a belief that men are shit and all they do is cheat and lie then your energy field projects men are shit and all they do is cheat and lie, and what you will attract is men who cheat and lie.
If what is inside of you is tons of insecurities and fears, your energy field projects insecurity and fears, and what you will attract is men with insecurities and fears.
Now, this is where a lot of people struggle. Most people are not ready to look at themselves and realize that they are the ones who are responsible for what type of people walk into their lives. It’s so much easier to look at, talk about, and criticize someone else. It’s easy to identify someone else’s flaws and tell them what they need to change. But you cannot expect change to come into your life if what you want is for other people to do the changing. You can’t control others; you can only control yourself … and THANK GOD for that! Because working on yourself is all that is necessary.
If you can be mature (and strong) enough to accept the fact that it’s YOU who needs to make some changes, it’s YOU who’s attracting these go-nowhere relationships, it’s YOU who has some stuff to work on, and it’s YOU who can effect change in the status of your love life in one year then, my darling, grab that pen and pad that I suggested and let’s take some action.
Chapter 2: Honesty Is My BFF
Once I accepted that the law of attraction was working in my life, I decided to put some major energy into learning how to stop it from attracting the negative shit, and how to leverage it so I could attract the things that I wanted.
There was only one problem.
I felt like I was a “good” person. I saw myself as caring, affectionate, and loyal. When I looked in my mirror, I saw a pretty girl with sexy curves. When I went to work, I was praised as a smart woman with a strong work ethic and multiple promotions under my belt. When I came home, I had pride in my house because I owned it, and I had all the nicest furnishings and decorations. I felt good driving my Benz; I was proud that my son was a straight A student athlete as a single mother. I was well put together, physically and socially. From what people could see, and what I displayed, I was a confident woman—strong, successful, beautiful, ambitious, and independent.
I was what we call “A GOOD CATCH”.
I was the girl who guys walked up to and asked, “Why are you single?”
With all of that as my perception of myself, it was impossible for me to see past all of that surface level, materialistic, cliché bullshit of who I REALLY was.
Let me be clear; this is not to say that I am not those things. But the point is that those things are not ME.
What you have—your accomplishments, material things, how you look, what people think of you, or people’s perception of who you are—is not YOU.
Those are the characteristics that we readily and easily identify within ourselves because they’re what we SEE every day. All of those things represent who we are externally. But the law of attraction does not attract what you are externally. Remember the magnet. The magnet did not attract items that had the same external characteristics. It only attracted and bonded with items that were made of the same thing that the magnet was made of.
So, what are we made of? Well, we are all made of a combination of what we’ve experienced and learned. We are made of our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. How we feel about things, people, situations, and circumstances is what we are. For me, it was hard to see who I was and what I was made of because I was identifying who I was with my external qualities and surface level characteristics. But in order for me to change what I was attracting, I had to find a way to get to know who I was internally. I had to understand the inner me—that part of me that I kept hidden, protected, guarded, and rarely shared with anyone. I had to go internal, into my heart where I needed to acknowledge my pain, fears, insecurities, and shortcomings because the things in my heart were creating feelings and my feelings/emotions were creating my energy field, and my energy field was attracting people who matched how I felt.
Let me give you a real example.
While doing the work to learn who I was internally, I acknowledged that I had a fear of being abandoned. I was afraid that whoever I loved would walk away and leave me. When people walked away from me it made me feel unlovable, not good enough, and not valued. I was afraid of being abandoned because, from my perspective, a lot of the men that I loved (including my dad) gave up on me and left. The pain from this happening over and over again had hardened my heart. My reaction (and defense mechanism) was to stay guarded in the beginning of a relationship until I felt comfortable that this one wouldn’t leave. Another side effect of this fear of abandonment was that my self-esteem was bruised. I carried myself well, always looking good, dressing nice, and taking pride in my appearance (on the outside); but, inside, the fact that I had been left by several men I’d loved caused me to feel like something was wrong with me. I’d never admit it if someone asked, but deep down it had become an insecurity.
This fear was created out of experiences from life and I had developed feelings of low self-esteem and began to guard my heart … and this is what my energy field was projecting to the world.
See, it didn’t matter what I looked like, what I said, or what I had. I was only ever going to attract a person or circumstances with the same energy that I was projecting.
So, what did I attract at that moment in my life? Well, I attracted a man who was afraid of commitment, who did not see my value, and who guarded his heart the same way I guarded mine.
For years I could not understand why I kept attracting men who were either scared or just wouldn’t freaking commit. But when I did my work and learned who I was on the inside, I learned that it was ME attracting men like this because of me projecting fear and a guarded heart. If I had met a guy who was looking for commitment and ready to settle down at that time, I would have repelled him; there would not have been an attraction, no chemistry, because my beliefs, thoughts, and feelings were not projecting love and commitment—they were projecting fear and protection.
The day that I acknowledged my fear of abandonment and all of the feelings, emotions, defense mechanisms and insecurities that it had developed was the day I felt FREE.
I felt free because, now that I KNEW what was going on inside of me, I KNEW that I could make the necessary changes to have the law of attraction work in my favor. BUT I had to work on all of the things inside of me. I had to first acknowledge my stuff and make a decision to change it.
And that is what you need to do. You can no longer be a victim of your experiences. Yes, things happen that are out of your control, unfortunate things happen that you didn’t deserve, but you cannot allow those things to keep feelings within you that do not SERVE you what you want and deserve in your life. You do have a choice. And if you are TIRED of attracting the bullshit and you are REALLY, REALLY ready to attract what you want, you have to make the choice to change. That’s it! It’s a simple decision that you have the control and power to make. Once you make the choice, you have to commit to being HONEST with yourself.
And let me tell you… HONESTY became my best friend forever! Being honest with myself and facing all my shit gave me strength. I literally felt stronger. When you let your past experiences, hurts or even things you were taught continue to control your thoughts and beliefs, you are actually giving your power to the person who hurt or taught you. It’s time to take your power back. You need your power so no one else can control you or the state of your life. Once you take that power back, you will be in the driver’s seat, you will be in control of who and what you attract and you will feel strong, like nothing can ever hold you back from the life you want again.
So, with my BFF, I was able to look past my outer characteristics into the depths of my heart and I asked two questions, “How do you feel about love?” and “Why do you feel that way?” When I answered these questions honestly, from the heart, I uncovered a ton of shit, and knew why I kept attracting the type of men I was attracting.
Now it’s time for you to do the same thing, and, as promised, I am going to help you by giving you specific things to do and questions to ask.
Go to the last page of this book and you will find the questions section. You will need to have your BFF (honesty) by your side in order to answer them from the depths of your heart. This is a private exercise that you do not have to share with anyone. Just you, yourself, and you. Remember, this is NOT a self-bashing exercise. Do not feel bad for any of the things you find in your heart and don’t be ashamed of ANYTHING that you have experienced or done. And please do not answer any questions before we get to them, please stay committed to the process so that your journey will end in you knowing how to attract exactly what you want. Now read question #1. Go somewhere quiet where you can think without interruption, close your eyes and clear your mind, then write down the answers to that question. Again, this is private and you do not need to share this information with anyone. If you need more space to write this answer, you can download the PDF version of these questions and type your answers from your phone, tablet, your computer, or you can print them off and write with a pen! Also, make sure you take your time to answer these questions. The questions and answers are the most important part of this journey so please do not try to rush or take shortcuts because you will only be doing yourself a disservice.
OK now go ahead and answer question #1.
Once you have completed question #1, go ahead and answer question #2.
Chapter 3: Power
My first real relationship was with my son’s father. We started ‘going together’ when I was 15 and we broke up when I was 22. When I asked myself question #1—How did I feel about love?—that was the relationship that popped into my mind. I don’t know why, but it did. I used that experience to answer the question. And my answer was simply:
“I feel like love is not fair.”
Next, I answered question #2—Why do I feel that way about love?—and my answer was:
“Because it didn’t matter that I was vulnerable, committed, sacrificed, loved from the depths of my soul, gave 150% effort, supported, and even forgave some things that I shouldn’t have. It didn’t matter that I stuck by a man with 1000% loyalty, trusted blindly, had a baby because I believed him when he said we were getting married. He still cheated, lied, and left… FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.
“And to add insult to injury, while I was the one done wrong, he went on to have a new relationship, get engaged, married, blend my son into his new ‘family’, AND have more kids with his wife. THIS is why I feel like love is not fair! How could someone totally treat a person who LOVED them like shit and go on to find a happy life, meanwhile the one who got fucked over, hurt and abandoned can’t find a good, loving, or happy relationship and stays single?”
That is how I answered those two questions. It was how I really felt.
But after thinking more about the law of attraction, light bulbs started going off in my head. An understanding of life started to become crystal clear, and I felt enlightened. Here’s what I realized in this moment:
From the time my son’s father and I broke up (well, let’s be clear – he left me) I just absolutely WOULD NOT allow another man to hurt me the way he did. I WOULD NOT experience that kind of pain again. This attitude was developed from a fear of getting hurt. My experience with love was that love hurt … and I was afraid of getting hurt again. But that fear of getting hurt again was creating my energy field. Remember, your energy field is created from your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. So, if I am projecting a fear of love, I am attracting men who have a fear of love.
And when I think back to all of the guys I attempted to date and/or had relationships with after my son’s dad, I could clearly see that they too were afraid to love. Like, it was the most revelational thing I had ever experienced. Seriously! Each guy had a negative perception of love; each guy complained that he had been hurt or that he didn’t trust women; each guy had his ‘guard up’ and wouldn’t express love to me; each guy was full of pride and never expressed vulnerability; and each guy struggled with commitment or faithfulness—ALL characteristics of a person afraid to love…. Just like me. And this was why my attempts at dating and relationships were going NOWHERE! Two people with fatalistic views on love cannot create or experience a loving, lasting relationship. Those two people will continue to see what they believe/feel about love, and ultimately the relationships will end or the attempts to date will never get off the ground. My beliefs and feelings that love is not fair became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I was attracting back to me EXACTLY what I felt.
I felt like a blind woman opening her eyes for the first time. I was no longer looking at each of my exes or men as a whole species and finding an issue with them. I was able to see MYSELF. This was the first time that I looked at my relationships from this perspective. This is when I understood the quote “Relationships are the mirror in which we see ourselves.”
For years I felt helpless. I prayed for Mr. Right to no avail. I talked (and complained) to my besties about my man problems, but that didn’t solve anything. I beat myself up trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. I felt low-key jealous when EVERYONE around me was getting engaged, married, and pregnant. And, FINALLY, I knew that I could change my energy field and the feelings I was projecting about love, and ATTRACT exactly what I wanted.
I was freaking ECSTATIC!
In that EXACT moment, I no longer wanted to feel negative about love. I decided right then and there that I was not afraid of love anymore.
And just like that, with just a decision, my perspective on love changed.
I immediately felt happier :-)
My shoulders felt like a weight had been lifted off of them. I felt light as a freakin’ feather!
At the time, I didn’t realize it, but what I had done was let go.
Yes, I let go of the anger. I let go of the fear. I let go of the hurt. I let go of the bitterness. I forgave my son’s father. THIS was my baggage. I had been carrying it around for 13 loooooonnnnnngggggg years! And on THIS day, I let it all go!
The hurt from my relationship with my son’s father had been controlling my love life, but not anymore. It no longer had power over me.
I had the power.
I was in control of how I felt about love. I was in control of what feelings and emotions were in my energy field.
I had been told (and heard soooo many times), “You can’t control how you feel.”
Biggest lie EVERRRR.
I absolutely could control how I felt … and I did!
My decision NOT to feel negative about love, and NOT to continue to carry around my baggage and bullshit, gave me MY power back.
I was empowered to feel however I decided to feel about whatever I wanted to feel that way about.
And, honey, now it’s YOUR turn. Let’s get your power back. Let’s get you to a place where YOU can let go of some of this stuff that is holding you back from attracting a bomb ass relationship and the queendom that you deserve.
First, go ahead and re-read your answer to question #1.
Then re-read your answer to question #2.
Now accept the fact that how you feel about love, and what caused you to feel that way, is now the CAUSE of why your love life and relationship status is what it is.
Your answer to questions #1 and #2 is not a good or bad thing, so don’t start that beating yourself up stuff. We are identifying your true feelings so you can become aware of them. With this awareness, you can take accountability for what YOU are feeling and, subsequently, what YOU are attracting.
Another thing that I want to point out is in no way am I saying it’s your fault that you feel the way you feel. How you developed the feelings you have about love is not a blame game. What happens to you is sometimes out of your control. However, how you respond to what happens to you IS within your realm of control. And this is where you accept the fact that how you feel about love is your choice.
Look at it this way, if your feelings about love is all men cheat, and you feel that way because every man you know cheats, you are going to feel like you can’t trust men and your energy field is projecting men are not trustworthy, and you will attract men who are not trustworthy. Remember, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Now, while the feeling that all men cheat is a reaction to your experience, IT IS STILL YOUR FEELING. This is what you need to own.
Own it so you can change it.
There is no rule that says if you’re wronged you MUST feel a certain way. While it’s logical and totally understandable that you feel how you feel because something caused it, you also have to understand that things happen for you to learn, evolve, and grow; not to hold on to them and become hurt and angry.
So own it. Own that you feel how you feel about love because you are choosing to feel that way. Change your perspective on the things that happened that caused you to feel how you feel. Get curious about it and seek something to learn from it. See it as your ability to overcome something. And, most importantly, see yourself in it. Look at that thing that caused you to feel how you feel about love and see YOU.
If you can do this, when you can do this, you have just taken back your POWER.
Chapter 4: The Cart Before the Horse
Girl, you couldn’t tell me NOTHIN’.
I knew and I FELT that I was on a path to truly feeling happy and fulfilled in my life. I knew that there was no one and nothing that could ever dictate the way I felt or how my life was going to go, especially in the relationship department.
I knew that, not only could I change my feelings about love and attract a love that I always wanted, I could use this law of attraction and power to change how I felt about things in other areas of my life too.
Knowing this was EM-POWER-ING to the fullest.
My newly acquired swag was on ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND!
I was back in control of MY LIFE and no one could take that away from me!
I just KNEW that love was coming soon, like I could feel it.
I felt more positive and excited about my future. I found myself waking up smiling and in a good mood.
I was anxious, I wanted to start attracting good and positive things and people into my life right away—and the GREAT thing was I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I needed to become optimistic. My perspectives on love needed to change. My attitude about men needed to change … and, more importantly, I needed to have the same qualities IN me that I wanted to attract.
So, the first order of business was to identify what qualities I wanted in a man and within a relationship. I started writing a list of the first things that came to mind. To me, these things were obvious. I knew what I liked and knew what I wanted. I also knew what I DIDN’T want based off of some of the crappy relationships that I’d had in the past. So, here is what I came up with:
3. Nice body (not fat)
4. Stylish (dresses nice)
6. Ready to love openly
7. Good job (with ambition to continue to advance in his career)
8. Average credit
9. Owns a car
10. No more than 2 kids (and is a great dad)
12. Ready for commitment (ready for marriage)
This is just a snippet … there was more. As a matter of fact, my list had about 21 things on it.
Question: Does your list look like this? Is it similar?
If your answer was “Yes,” we have identified another reason why you have been attracting relationships that have gone nowhere.
If your answer was “No,” then you must be a lady who realizes that my list was a bunch of bullshit. And YOU, my dear, are ahead of the game! You are where I needed to get to and where some of the ladies reading this book need to go.
I know, I know … some of you may be confused, but stay with me. Remember, this is a journey of growth and evolution. You will need to be ready to see things from a different perspective. At first, I truly didn’t feel that wanting some of the above qualities was bullshit. I felt like I wanted and deserved an attractive man. I wanted a man with a certain level of confidence and swag because an insecure man is just a total freaking turn off and confidence is so damn sexy. I wanted a man who has his own—his own car, his own place, his own money—so he would not be dependent on me, right? OF COURSE! Makes total sense!
But, here’s the thing… I was looking for real love, and I am sure that is what you are looking for too if you are still reading and answering the questions. So, if real love and a LASTING relationship is what you want, you must learn to see past a man’s surface. REAL love has nothing to do with a person’s outer appearance or financial status—that shit isn’t what loves you. A level of confidence does not create an experience of love. A level of attractiveness or attraction does not create an experience of love. How much he makes you laugh does not create an experience of love. His financial stability does not create an experience of love. His number of kids does not create an experience of love. Him having a house, apartment, or car does not create an experience of love.
My list above was not a list that would get me real love—and if your list is the same or similar, it won’t get you real love either.
Now, I do not want for you to think or feel that I am saying you cannot desire those things within a relationship. You absolutely can want them. Wanting them is not a problem at all. The problem comes when you want these things as a priority; when these things are the first signs you look/hope for in a man, you are no longer looking for love. These things are not love. What these things are is what comes as a RESULT of finding the person you genuinely love and who loves you back.
In other words, the type of list I made above with all of the external qualities (and just one or two internal qualities) should have been my secondary list of what would come OUT of finding true love. But I needed to first attract a person whose VALUES and COMMITMENT would work with me to create a relationship that had the qualities and characteristics I listed above.
Yes, girls – there are LEVELS to this shit!
So, I had to rewind because I started at level 2. I was ahead of myself. I was what they call “putting the cart before the horse”. I was writing down the things I wanted FROM the relationship without identifying WHO the person needed to be in order for me to get those things from the relationship.
…and since I already wrote my list of what I wanted from a relationship (WHAT list), I realized that I needed to write my list of who I want in a relationship (WHO list).
The WHO list should outline his values and commitments. The WHAT list is the results you get from the relationship because of WHO he is. The WHO is the horse. The WHAT is the cart.
Why? Because WHO he is pulls into your life WHAT you two will experience as a couple. WHO he is (internal) is the strength and foundation of your relationship. Who he is will nurture, guide, and support you. Who he is will pull your relationship through every life situation, struggle, and hardship.
Great, let’s move on!
So, just as I did, I want you to make your “cart before the horse list”, also known as your WHAT list, first. I know we’ve already admitted that this list is secondary, so why are we creating it first?
Well, because when I created my WHAT list first, I was able look at the things I wrote and determine WHO the man needed to BE in order for me to get those things. In other words, my WHAT list helped me write my WHO list.
Remember; don’t rush any of your answers. Take some time to yourself in a place where you can focus and create your list.
Trust the process, and go ahead to the last page, and answer question #3.
Chapter 5: WHO
It took three days of writing, scratching out, balling up the paper, starting over, looking deeper into myself, reflecting on past relationships, re-writing, and more re-writing before I FINALLY had my list of WHO I wanted in a relationship.
The most important thing for me was to be with a man who I wouldn’t mind my son looking up to. Keep in mind that my son has a dad who is very active in his life, so it wasn’t my intent to try to find someone to be a father figure. But I am his MOTHER, and I am going to be the example of the type of woman my son should aspire to marry, so my future husband has to be the example of how a MAN should treat a woman.
Second, I really wanted a man who was ready to settle down. And by settle down, I meant cutting out the partying, spending quality time with me and his family, making career and business moves to advance us financially, ya know, the type of things that grown ass men and women do when they are done with playing the field. Yep, I wanted a man who would make a commitment to marriage.
Third, I wanted a man who was affectionate. I am a TOTAL cuddle bunny. I feel loved through touch and attention, so a man who is open to affection, cuddling, touchy feely and kissy huggy shit was EXACTLY what I knew would mesh well with my personality.
Fourth, I wanted to have a soul connection. I wanted to love and be loved deeper than the surface level stuff. I wanted a man who would be open, honest, and vulnerable—a man who was comfortable exposing and expressing his flaws and NOT just his good qualities. I wanted a relationship where there were no secrets, no hiding, no lying, no pride. I wanted that soul connection so that everything was communication. Eye contact, body language, not talking, verbal discussions, vibes, chemistry, sex—I wanted to communicate in all of those ways.
…and that’s where I stopped.
This was my WHO list and the things I identified on this list were the foundation of a real strong and loving relationship for me.
My WHO list was simply:
• A man WHO would be a model to show my son how to treat a woman
• A man WHO is mature and ready to marry
• A man WHO is affectionate
• A man WHO is committed to developing a soul connection
Realize that you cannot build anything lasting without it having a strong foundation, and that’s why we create a WHO list. Your WHO list should consist of the foundational values that you need from a man in order to feel safe, secure, loved, and special.
Notice that I have mentioned quite a few times that attracting a lasting and fulfilling relationship takes work. I also want to point out that building and creating a life with the man in the relationship also takes work too.
It is very common that we want a finished product. We want a man who already comes to us knowing exactly how to make us feel special, how to love us, how to communicate with us, and how to take care of us financially and emotionally. We want a man who already has good credit, a great job, a home, etc. A lot of these types of things will be on your WHAT list (as you can see, they were on my WHAT list). But I want you to be aware and open to the fact that some men and MOST relationships are a work in progress.
When you see happy couples and women whose men just ‘get it’—you know, those relationships where the man brings flowers, has romantic dinners, publically validates his wife/girlfriend, financially does his part in the household, sacrifices for his family, supports his wife/girlfriend, takes care of home, communicates, spends quality time—these men were not born this way.
These relationships were built and created.
This type of relationship is the result of both people committing to doing their part to grow with, satisfy, and love their partner. It’s the values and commitment from both parties, the dedication to creating a loving and lasting relationship, a decision to work together and through ALL things good and bad. It’s time, patience, and effort. There is no such thing as getting a man who already HAS all the right characteristics. Attracting a real relationship is about the two of you creating all the characteristics that demonstrate the life and love you BOTH wish to experience forever.
So, when you see a couple who seems to have figured it out, know that they did not just fall into this wonderful relationship. It wasn’t luck or favor. It was work and effort. That woman took the time to teach that man how to love her the way she needed to be loved. That man taught her what makes him feel needed and desired. And they BOTH worked on making slight changes and alterations in behavior to accommodate the other. It’s not always easy, but with the right person it is always worth it!
On the flip side, not everyone is at a place in their lives where they are able to put in the type of effort that it takes to attract, build, and sustain a real relationship; and that’s why not everyone has one and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone gets ready at their own speed and their own specific time in their lives.
Now, considering that it takes effort and work to attract, sustain, and build a relationship, you want to think of the values a man would have in order for him to commit to working toward and on a lifetime relationship with you.
Ask yourself who a man needs to BE (not have) in order to put in the necessary work to create a life with you. What kind of man commits? Who would he need to BE internally? What are his views on love and women? How would he feel about _____________? (Insert the things that are important to you).
This is your foundation. Take your time and decipher the answers and then move on to answer question number 4.
Chapter 6: But What about You?
Remember, it took me three days to write my WHO list.
This is the most important step we are going to take on this journey, so please do not rush your creation of this list.
Some people struggle writing this list because it’s not as easy as it seems when you first start, and the reason why it is not as simple as it seems is because we are identifying internal character when in our society we mostly identify with external attributes.
So, if it’s taking you a few days to get this done, that’s OK. Just remember to commit to the process and only move forward when your list is truly complete.
When you are truly happy with your list, let’s move on!
You have identified the internal character and values of the man you want to attract. Now it’s time to get REAL.
You want a REAL relationship, right? Well, you need to BE real to attract real. So let’s get to it.
First, take a look at your WHO list again, read it aloud.
Second, for each item on your list ask yourself are YOU that thing?
For example, the first item on my WHO list was, “A man WHO would be a model to show my son how to treat a woman,” so I had to ask myself:
“Am I a woman WHO is a model for my son for how a woman should be treated?”
My initial answer was to spout out a quick and resounding, “YES, I am a woman WHO my son can use as a model for how a woman should be treated!”
But then I remembered that honesty was my BFF and I needed to look inside myself, get internal, go to the deep place with all my hurts, fears, insecurities, and secrets and answer that question from my heart … and the honest answer was NO, I didn’t really feel like I was a woman WHO was a model for my son of how to treat a woman. There were some mistakes I had made, ways in which I carried myself during certain periods of my life that I wasn’t proud of, and ways that I allowed men to treat me as I would NEVER want my son to do to another woman.
…and because I wanted a man who my son could look up to as a model for how to treat a woman, I had to BE a woman who modeled how a woman should be treated, and since I didn’t feel like I was, I had to work on me FIRST.
You have to BE what you want to attract.
You don’t attract who you want, you attract who you are. Remember, attraction is a magnet.
If that means you have to change some things about yourself, that’s OK. Change is good.
Lots of people are so afraid of change. Some even feel insulted when you suggest that they make a change. Well, there is a saying that goes, “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you already got.” Another variation of that saying is, “If you continue to be who you’ve always been, you will always be where you’re already at.”
Bottom line—if you want your relationship status to change, if you want to go from no relationship or a stale relationship to a real loving and lasting relationship, you need to make some changes within yourself. Think about it, if you were already the person with the qualities and characteristics to attract the relationship of your dreams, you would already HAVE the relationship of your dreams.
I’ve heard hundreds of ladies say to me, “I am stuck in my ways,” or, “I am who I am, take me or leave me.” Well, if that’s how you truly feel, you’re either going to realize that you need to change that perception so you can attract some different things and people into your life or accept your life as is and learn to be happy with it.
This will be your biggest challenge in the whole process of attracting real love. As a matter of fact, this is the biggest reason why most people who do not have what they want in life are not moving any closer to achieving it. It’s easy as pie to say, “I want this,” or, “I want that.” But do you want it badly enough to change YOU?
Well, I did! I wanted it badly enough to change … and change is just what I had to do.
When I decided to make some changes in my life, it was at a point where all other aspects of my life were slowly coming together, but love was the one thing that kept escaping me. I had worked to get my finances together so money was looking up. I worked to advance my career and business so success was coming fast. I continued to work to raise a successful student athlete and my son was doing great. All of the things in my life that I was putting effort into were making major progress.
That’s when I realized that I had to also put effort into my love life in order to see any progress. Everything you want in life will require that you make some sort of effort to attain it. And for most of us, because we want a relationship with certain qualities, the action required to attract such a relationship is to become a reflection of the person you want to attract.
But what about you?
Are you tired yet? Tired of not experiencing life the way you want and envision it, the way you deserve it? Are you fed up with these go-nowhere relationships? Tired of getting excited when you meet a new dude only to feel disappointed when he turns out like all the rest?
Well, here are two things I can tell you about yourself without knowing you yet.
1. You will only take action to change when you are tired of staying the same.
2. Nothing changes until you change.
Now it’s time for you to decide if you are willing to make a commitment to changing your life.
Chapter 7: Get the RING!
There is no doubt that this journey made me dig deeper within myself. It demanded that I get in touch with who I was internally. It asked me to look at the REAL me and identify with my hurts, fears, and insecurities so that I could let them go and not allow them to control my life anymore. This journey made me look deeper to find that little innocent and vulnerable part of myself that just wanted to be loved, and learn to feel OK with being vulnerable. This journey made me learn who I TRULY am and why I am the way I am, and decide if I wanted to make some alterations within myself to change what I was attracting into my life.
Well, as you know by now, I decided to change.
I have had 5 go-nowhere relationships including my son’s father and my ex-fiancé (who I described in previous chapters).
But after I made a commitment, the ‘go-nowhere’ relationship chapter of my life ended.
I ended it.
One decision ended it.
Taking action ended it.
Once I ended the relationship with my ex-fiancé and made the discovery that I was attracting the kind of men I found myself dating, I made a commitment to myself.
I went through each step that I explained in this book then committed to becoming ALL of the things I wanted in a man.
I had to become a woman who my son could use as his model for how to treat a woman.
I had to mature (this one was a little tough because my pettiness level, smart mouth, and attitude will make a grand entrance).
I was already an affectionate woman, so no work there!
I had to become a woman who was capable and open to developing a soul connection (this one was the hardest).
It wasn’t easy.
But OHHHHH was it worth it!
As you know, I am now happily engaged and planning a New Year’s Eve wedding with my fiancé.
I have never experienced love like this.
I have never felt like I could depend on a man. I’ve never felt comfortable with being the REAL me—flaws and all. I never felt like I could just tell a man anything and he would not judge me. I never knew what it felt like for a man to shout it out to the world that he loved me soooooooooo much. I never had a man help me around the house—cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, picking up my son from school.
I was a ‘do it all myself’ type of independent, strong ass woman.
But now I don’t HAVE to be. (I still am though )
I was full of pride and I was accustomed to men being full of pride, never putting their machismo aside to really profess their love for me.
But now I am marrying a man who not only tells me but also shows me every day how much he loves me.
To say I am in BLISS is an understatement.
I feel like the luckiest woman alive.
I GOT THE RING!
…and you can too.
Well, here’s how I did it.
I attracted it.
I wanted a commitment so I had to become COMMITTED.
I committed to working on me and becoming who I wanted to attract.
…and not only did I attract who I have become, I also attracted commitment because I was committed to the process.
Girl, when I tell you that the power of attraction is the shizzzznit, I mean it!
I know exactly how it feels to be in that go-nowhere relationship; I know how it feels NOT to seem able to find a man to commit.
I know how it feels to have no relationship; I know what it feels like to be single AF while watching everyone else’s happily fledging relationships.
But I also know exactly how to end that chapter of YOUR life.
I wrote this book because it took me 15 years of floundering around to figure out why I seemed to have the worst luck in female history with men.
I wrote this book because it only took ONE year to attract the man of my dreams once I decided to work on me.
…and it can take you ONE year too, or even less!
So WHAT are you going to do? Attract the same go-nowhere relationships or attract a man who is in LOVE with you … and get the ring?
I made my choice, thousands of other women made their choice, and we’re haaapppppyyyyyyy (in my Pharrell voice).
Now, if you are one of those women who feel like you already know what to do next and YOU GOT THIS from here on out, GREAT! Be sure to email me with your success stories once you’ve attracted the love of your life (I love to hear new love stories and may share them on the blog).
For those of you who are ready to make a commitment so you can attract a commitment, I am sure you have already answered each question in the back. So, we’re going to dig a lil’ deeper into the answers to all of your questions and come up with some things TO DO next.
Yes, honey I said ‘WE’. Meaning me and you!
All you have to do is register, I’ll be online to meet you on Saturday at 12noon.
Remember, I told you that this is a journey and, at times, it can be frustrating so this chat session is crucial to your journey.
And, NO, I am not a trained specialist, nor am I some self-proclaimed relationship guru.
I am just a girl who had her heart broken numerous times; felt defeated, discouraged, and disappointed numerous times … and finally said, “ENOUGH!” and changed my life.
If that is where you are, we have something in common and something to talk about.
Secure your spot at the link below.
Talk to you soon!
1. Explain how you feel about love?
2. Consider why you feel that way about love?
3. Write your WHAT list. (This is your “What do I want from my relationship?” list.)
4. Write your WHO list.
The book is about my story, how I stopped a 15-year cycle of bad relationships and finally, after recognizing some of my flaws and working on me, attracted the love of my life. The book markets â€˜how to end flings and find true love with a man who is willing to commitâ€™, however the overall theme is self-love, self-confidence, and working on self. This book is a guided book with Q&A for women to learn how to become what they are asking for in return. I use my personal story as the example, sharing emotional and vulnerable pieces of my heartbreak and trials and how I turned them in to happiness and tribulation. The book will be used on my landing page in exchange for email addresses.