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Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist

Dedication: This book is dedicated to the madness that rules this world. Without lunacy pushing me into madness, this book would never have happened. Thank you, insane world we live in.

  • * Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist?”

By Aboot Boss

Copyright © Aboot Boss 2016

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the purchaser.

Table of Contents

Dedication: This book is dedicated to the madness that rules this world. Without lunacy pushing me into madness, this book would never have happened. Thank you, insane world we live in. 1

Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist?” 2

Introduction 6

Chapter 1 Ma and Uncle Jim, My Origins 7

Chapter 2 The Devil is Inside You 10

Chapter 3 The Illuminati and God’s America 12

Chapter 4 I Luvs Muh Guns 14

Chapter 5 Batman is the Antichrist? 16

Chapter 6 Is Frozen Part of a Satanic Plot? 20

Chapter 7 Are Left Handed People Evil? 22

Chapter 8 Hollywood and the Illuminati 23

Chapter 9 Commiefornia, Satan’s Favorite State 26

Chapter 10 Book Burnin and Harry Potter 29

Chapter 11 The South 32

Chapter 12 Space Lizards and the Earth Mother 34

Chapter 13 Book Learnin, the Real American Way 35

Chapter 14 Sex Education, How Demons Enter the Young 36

Chapter 15, Texas and the Death Penalty, a Love Story 38

Chapter 16 Is Obama Going to invade Texas? 40

Chapter 17 The Apocalypse and the Fools Who Think This World Can Be Saved 42

Chapter 18 Stopping CERN from Destroying God 43

Chapter 19 Pope Francis and the Illuminati 45

Chapter 20 The Cybernetic Gods 46

Chapter 21 My Horrible Thinkin Disease 47

Chapter 22 Cletus for President 49

Chapter 23 God’s Land and the Apocalypse 50

Chapter 24 Democrats, the Army of Satan 52

Chapter 25 Thinkervitis, My Incurable Disease 54

Chapter 26 My First Exorcism 55

Chapter 27 The Family Trailer 56

Chapter 28 Book Burnin and Robot Zoos 57

Chapter 29 The Antichrist, Natural Selection and Harry Potter 59

Chapter 30 Ungodly, the Demons Reign 60

Chapter 31 Hollywood, the Satanic Cult 61

Chapter 32 Sacrificing Your Mother to the Dark Lord 63

Chapter 33 Obama, the Fourth Beast of the Apocalypse 65

Chapter 34 Yoga Class, the Satanic Cult 69

Chapter 35 Mormons and Demonic Removal Services 70

Chapter 36 The Matrix, and the Rise of the Illuminati 71

Chapter 37 Bloodmoons and the End of the World 73

Chapter 38 The Mark of the Beast 74

Bibliography 78

Author Page 79

[]Introduction

For those who will give me crap, know that I no longer care for the fate of this world.

I’ve been writing a separate trilogy for years, Cletus2016 was originally going to just be a quick promo book, but with the elections there was just so much material, so I decided to release it as a second trilogy. The ending was written months ago, but I just kept getting new inspiration, so I will be releasing Cletus2016 in 3 parts between now and the end of September. Cletus2016 Part 2: Cletus Versus Satan and the Illuminati will be released August 26th. My new podcast “Cletus and the Boss” will launch September 5th. Cletus2016 Part 3 “Trump and the Transvampires” will be released in September(has nuke and vampires on the cover).

You can follow me at @AbootBoss on twitter and “Cletus and the Boss” on Facebook

[] Chapter 1 Ma and Uncle Jim, My Origins

Hello, my name, is Cletus Trailerpark McHickleberry, the Bringer of the End Times. This is my story, of how a loveable hick, became the Bringer of the End Times.

I grew up in Hickerton, Hickississippi. My Father was the town drunk, which in Hickerton was really saying something. He also doubled as the village idiot, and believe me, he had some fierce competition. Did I mention my Father was my Uncle? I didn’t find out till I was 6 years old. I always wondered who my Father was and why my Uncle Jim was always staying over.

One night, I had a bad dream, where people were thinkin under my bed. I went to my Mom’s Bedroom in the middle of the night and opened the door. I was scarred for life by what I saw:

Cletus “Ma, I had a bad dream….Ma?”

…..

I opened the door.

Cletus “Ma…….UNCLE JIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Ma “CLETUS, CLOSE THE DOOR.”

They got dressed and then they sat me down on the couch and explained to me why I was so special. #PoorCletus. It was pretty rough, but I learned that this was really common in the South. I learned to accept my Southern Heritage and love myself for who I am.

Now that my backstory is out of the way, let me tell you about the South and my home state of Hickississippi. The South prided itself on being lost in time, and no state was more lost in time then Hickississippi. Hickississippi was a place where they so valued their traditions that they didn’t even recognize the abolishment of slavery…..until two years ago. Yep, it was truly a place lost in time.

We helped keep it the same by keepin it so ignorant, that the Thinkin Folk would move away. We didn’t take kindly to them Thinkin Folk around here. By keepin ourselves ignorant, we made the Thinkin Folk want to leave, and never want to move here.

Thou sadly, some Southern Cities were turning to the Dark Side; the Rural South was still a place where a hick could truly be free.

My home town of Hickerton was named after its founder, Joe Hickerton. The most common 911 call in Hickerton was “HELP, SOMEBODY STOLE MY HOUSE.” That was if they called 911 at all, most problems were solved by calling an exorcist. There was a special 666 hotline in the South, where you could reach an exorcist 24/7.

On top of our high exorcism rates, we were also vigilant against book learnin. From my home town, you had to drive 100 miles just to find a book. Hickississippi had the highest illiteracy rates in the country, and Hickerton took it to the next level. Book readin was punishable by death. Being able to read was viewed as elitist and a sign of demonic possession. Anyone caught smuggling a book into town would be burned alive along with their satanic object. We would hold our weekly book burnins just outside the county limits. We didn’t taint our town with book learnin, but we had books shipped just outside town for weekly book burnins. We knew people in other Real American States that had their book burnins by regularly stealing books from the library. While this was a great idea, we’d rather just not let books in our town to begin with.

We Hickertonians truly understood the dangers of book learnin. The Commie Elitists had destroyed the minds of countless millions with satanic, Illuminati programming. The Real Americans had responded by making themselves as dumb and ignorant as possible to stop the spread of satanic influence. They knew a cornerstone of Satan’s influence was book learnin, so they avoided books like the plague and got illiteracy rates up to 30% in some Southern States. Those who insisted on learnin to read were given approved sources to read through that were written by confirmed patriots. Many Southerners considered needing book learnin to get through life as a sign of weakness.

This was a typical conversation in the South:

Bobby Ray “Hey Billy Bob, I heard you and your Sister got married last week.”

Billy Bob “Yep.”

Bobby Ray “Congratulations.”

Billy Bob “You gonna marry your Sister?”

Bobby Ray “Na, my Sister’s really into music videos, the Illuminati has her now.”

Billy Bob “That’s awful Bobby.”

Bobby Ray “She also watches reality TV, she’s gone, I have to move on.”

Billy Bob “Reality TV and Hollywood music videos, her mind will never recover, the Illuminati has her now.”

Bobby Ray “It’s a shame, I always dreamed we’d get married someday.”

Billy Bob “There’s nothing the exorcists can do?”

Bobby Ray “It’s over, she’s lost, just another mindless pawn of the Illuminati.”

Billy Bob “I just hope that the Real Americans will rise up and destroy the Illuminati once and for all.”

Here’s another conversation:

Ruckus “My Sister and I got married, just came back from the honeymoon.”

Billy “Where’d you go?”

Ruckus “We went cross country, slept in at least one trailer park in every state.”

Billy “Wow, you’re livin the dream Ruckus.”

Ruckus “My Sister gets real frisky when we’re in another trailer park.”

Billy “Sounds like good times, it’s too bad in some states its illegal now. Alabama made it illegal fairly recently, my Uncle Bobby had to marry his cousin, it’s just not the same.”

Ruckus “Isn’t your Dad your Uncle.”

Billy “No that’s my other Uncle, my Dad is Uncle Bobby Ray.”

Ruckus “At least some states are still looking out for us.”

This was standard discussion in the South.

I remember there was a good friend of mine named Buck Tooth, no one embodied southern stereotypes quite like Buck. He only had one tooth left and it was a little out of place. In the South, having all your teeth was considered elitist. It was also a sign you didn’t have as “close a family” as the Real, Real Americans. Some small towns like Hickerton only had 10 or less families, but for breedin, that was more than enough.

[] Chapter 2 The Devil is Inside You

Here’s a classic tale from the South:

Once upon a time, there was a sweet Southern Bell. She was the cutest little Southern Bell you’d ever seen, but what no one knew, was that she had a terrible secret, she was…a thinker. She couldn’t tell anybody, thinkin would make her a social outcast in the South. She’d imagine what would happen if she told her parents, though it wasn’t hard to guess. Her friend Suzie May thought her parents would understand, meaning she wasn’t as smart as she thought she was:

Suzie May “Ma, Pa, I have something to tell you.”

Pa “What is it?”

Ma “Tell us sweet bean.”

Suzie May “I’m…..a thinker.”

Pa “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.”

Ma “BURN WITCH, BURN.”

Suzie May “I promise I won’t think in front of you.”

Pa “GET OUT.”

Ma “GO LIVE WITH SATAN.”

This was a common occurrence in the South. It seems harsh, but you gotta understand their point of view. Thinkin was a sign the Devil was inside you. You can’t expect them to live with someone who has the Devil inside them.

She had also remembered what happened to her thinkin friend Peggy May:

Peggy May “Daddy, I read a book today.”

Pa “YOU DID WHAT?”

Peggy May “I really liked it Daddy, it was fun.”

Pa “That sounds like thinkin talk to me Peggy May. We do not think in this house young lady.”

She was taken to the town witch doctor:

Witch Doctor “She’s got, thinkervitis and readavigo.”

Pa “OH NO, can you cure her doc?”

Witch Doctor “Trust me; I have a degree from Bubba Gump University. I’m gonna prescribe some medication. We’re also gonna do some shock therapy; a little lightning will get rid of those thinkin demons. When I’m done with her, she won’t even be able to read, much less want to.” Just another day in the South.

The American South was one of the few places on Earth where telling someone that you were their cousin was actually a pickup line. Hickertonians averaged 14 kids per family. Once you hit 12, it was tradition to keep going and stop once you hit an even number of boys and girls. If you hit 18 and still had a bad ratio, the leftovers were paired up with the leftover first cousins, and if ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, you’d move on to the second cousins. This was somewhat rare, as with each generation having at least a dozen brothers and sisters, you'd coordinate with your 12+ siblings to pair up your leftover kids. Everyone would hit 12 kids and then the dozen siblings would start pairing up the leftovers. Sister 3 had an extra girl, she paired her up with her 5th brother’s leftover son and he paired up his other leftover son with Sister 7’s extra daughter and so on.

Getting stuck paired up with your cousin meant your parents didn’t love you as much:

Ma “Yawl behaves now, or I’m pairing you up with Cousin Jenny.”

The thing about the South was that smart people did exist, but when you found dumb people, dear God. If you ever came out to the South, some people were exactly as you’d imagine. Though their numbers had fallen, every stereotype was still alive and well in the South. Some people clearly had very closely related parents. The number of missing teeth was a good guideline for guessing the severity of inbreedin.

In the South, voting Democrat was just code for being a communist. You were either a watered down communist, or you just wanted to live off welfare. No Real American could ever vote Democrat. The Democrats dreamed of a day when everyone sucks, Christmas is banned, and we’re all on welfare. All Real Americans voted Republican, the Party of God. Make no mistake, if the Democrats were not stopped, Christmas would die within 10 years.

Saving Christmas wasn’t the only reason no Real American would vote Democrat. They were also standing in the way of bringing back prayer in schools and wouldn’t stop until everyone was an Illuminati slave who needed the government to survive. The Real Americans could rough it out in the wildness and survive a zombie apocalypse if necessary, but a lot of Democratic voters would commit suicide if they had to go a week without Snapchat. By now 10% of their brain mass was just cat videos. Also, since 40% of Americans believed the world would end in their lifetime, they did their best to survivalize the next generation in time for the Apocalypse. They either taught little Billy how to survive after the Apocalypse, or had casual conversations with him about how he would soon soar into the Heavens for the Rapture.

[] Chapter 3 The Illuminati and God’s America

Saving the Real America was a nearly impossible battle; the Illuminati had destroyed the minds of the youth and dumbed down the population so they couldn’t stop their satanic agenda. Most people’s minds were too damaged to be saved; only the Real Americans could stand against the Illuminati in the End of Days.

College, reality TV, and the music industry, were all working together with Satan to destroy God’s America. They had brainwashed and dumbed down the population in order to make them more controllable slaves.

The Illuminati had succeeded in dumbing down America. They had turned the average person into a moron in order to destroy the Real America and create a satanic hellhole using their mindless slaves. The Real Americans were doing their best to stop the Illuminati, but they were Young Earthers, so an intelligent strategy was out of the question. All they could do was shield their children from the Illuminati and prepare for the End of Days.

The Real Americans could live off the land and take care of themselves, but the Commies were helpless, mindless serfs of the Illuminati. While the Real Americans were preparing for the Apocalypse, the Commies were getting PTSD from blackouts because they couldn’t plug in their smartphones. Thus America became very divided.

I remember when I was really young and had a conversation with my Pa:

Pa “God’s America has been under siege Cletus, the Illuminati has turned the population into their slaves, and so the Real America fades away more and more every year.”

Cletus “There’s gotta be a way to save the Real America Pa, we can’t let Satan win.”

Pa “I can’t do math Cletus, but I know somebody who can, and he tells me that it’s hopeless. Just like Hitler, the Illuminati understood the importance of controlling the youth to bring down God’s America. If you think things are bad now for God’s Americans, just wait until they really start dying off and the 5 year olds with selfie sticks control the future. The world is ending Cletus, the Real Americans kick and scream, but their resistance only delays the inevitable. The Illuminati’s Mindless Horde will destroy what is left of God’s America. The Illuminati has won, the damage is too severe, and even if it could be fixed, it wouldn’t be in time for the Rapture or the Rise of the Machines.”

Cletus “Is there anything we can do Pa?”

Pa “No Cletus, the Illuminati’s plans to destroy God’s America have been in the works for generations. By 2020, it will be nearly impossible for the Party of God to win a presidential election ever again. Those who remember the Real America are dying off, and many of their children are being infected by Illuminati corruption. Even though home schooling is extremely popular in the South to help stop the spread of satanic corruption, it’s just not enough. We do our best to shield our children from satanic/communist influence, but dem internets and the satanic world around us makes it difficult for our Billy’s to grow up pure anymore. The Illuminati has succeeded in corrupting the youth, and now it’s a matter of time before their Mindless Horde destroys what is left of God’s America. We can’t even say “Merry Christmas” anymore; you have to increasingly go to small towns just to find the Real America. It doesn’t help that a lot of old Commos are retiring in the South because it’s so cheap compared to the tax everything in existence shitholes they leave up North. Every time a heathen celebrity comes to the South, they draw huge crowds, how long before the God’s America is no more? The Satanists have won, while some Real Americans delude themselves and make 100 year plans to save God’s America, over 50 million Americans are smarter and are eagerly waiting for the End of the World.”

Cletus “What can we do Pa; I don’t want to live to see a day when the God’s America is no more?”

Pa “I can feel that you’re special Cletus, I don’t know how, but I know you’ll find a way to save our people.”

[] Chapter 4 I Luvs Muh Guns

Like all Real Americans, I luvs muh guns. No one could call themselves a Real American if they didn’t have at least 6 guns. I got my first gun when I was 3 years old, I loved that Uzi. My friends were so jealous:

Bubba Jim “Wow, I wish my parents would get me an Uzi, all I got was a Glock.”

Bobby Ray “You sure are lucky Cletus.”

Teacher “Alright kids, time for naptime, turn your safeties on.”

“Lots of clicking sounds”

In the South, it was standard for children to go to sleep with their high powered weapons. The really poor or unloved children only got handguns; the richer or more loved children got things with a bit more kick.

While they coddled them youngins out West and up North and had their children sleep with teddy bears, Southern Children would go to sleep hugging their guns. It made sure they grew up to be Republicans, and not vegetarians. They learned at an early age to love their guns, even more than their families. You could live without your family, but no Real American could live without their guns. A gun was a Real American’s best friend. They’d say whenever a child loses a tooth, a hick gets his gun.

My Uzi was my best friend, we went everywhere together. After my Uzi, my best bud was Bubba Jim. Me and Bubba did everything together; we married other sisters at the same time. It was a great double wedding, our sisters were besties too, sometimes life just works out.

I remember my teenage years; me and Bubba left Hickerton and traveled out to the cities that were increasingly votin Democrat:

Bubba Jim “Hey Cletus, I stole an evolution book from the library…wanna have a book burnin.”

Cletus “Hell ya, that’s how we pass time in the South.”

Bubba Jim opens book.

Bubba Jim “Cletus, look at all dem big fancy words, some of them got like, six syllables, how you supposed to read words like that?”

Cletus “Sent it to Hell where it belongs.”

Bubba Jim lights book on fire and we both watch it burn.

Bubba Jim “I love living in the South Cletus.”

Cletus “Me too Bubba.”

Bubba Jim “Cletus, how’s your Sister doing?”

Cletus “She’s preggers again.”

Bubba Jim “Dam, you a machine Cletus.”

Cletus “What can I say; she can’t get enough of the Cletus.”

Bubba Jim “I wish I could satisfy my Sister like you do Cletus.”

In the South, parents would always give their children “the talk”, where parents would warn them about the dangers of book learnin.

[] Chapter 5 Batman is the Antichrist?

American Prophecy had foretold that great turmoil would come to America and with it; a new satanic leader would rise. People used to think it was Obama, but now more were waking up to the truth, that Obama was only making the way for the true Antichrist. Many people now believed it was Pope Francis.

When the Antichrist Pope came to visit, a Democratic Politician stole his water glass so he and his family could drink from it and be blessed.

There was debate on CNN whether it counted because the Pope drank from it or it was dud water because he didn’t do the hand thing.

Pope Francis was taking the world by storm, thus fulfilling his role as the Antichrist. The Pope was increasingly opposed by the true Christians of Fox News and talk radio. They saw past his Radical Marxism. They knew the truth; they just couldn’t agree what it was. Some were sure he was the Antichrist; others believed that Radical Marxists had infiltrated the Vatican. Others were sure, that if they could just sit down with the Pope for an hour, they could teach him about capitalism.

While Pope Francis was most likely the Antichrist, you know who else was the Antichrist…Batman.

Some “Vigilant Christians” believed Marvel and DC Comics were conditioning children to worship false gods like Thor. DC was using Superman to brainwash children into believing in false saviors to make way for the Antichrist. Their villains, like Bain, were actually the good guys representing Christians standing up to the Antichrist. Superhero movies were to make children not appreciate how God made them and want superpowers, thus making them more susceptible to the Antichrist and pacts with Satan. You know what other movie was about the Antichrist…the Lego Movie. The authoritarian state in the Lego Movie is God’s Kingdom, and the main character is the Antichrist who leads his satanic followers of societal elites like Superman to bring down God’s Kingdom. At the end, everyone is happy to start their new lives of sin. “Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you’re living in sin.”

Oh, and don’t worry, it wasn’t just western stuff promoting the Antichrist. Goku was actually Satan; he was a false light bearer leading people away from God.

Others disagreed, they believed that in superhero movies, anti-hero was a reference to the Antichrist. Anti-hero characters like Deadpool were actually the Antichrist. Others believed that characters like Deadpool were just loyal followers of Satan.

Did you know that you attack the eyes of giant monsters in video games because of Illuminati symbolism? Not because it’s the weakest point or anything.

Did you also know Link from the Zelda Franchise is actually the Antichrist, or that Frozen leads children into witchcraft?

How about that the Disney Channel is a satanic network turning child into satanic slaves? As we all know, energy drinks were subliminally making children worship the Antichrist. Thank God we had vigilant Christians to let us know this was happening. Not only did the cans secretly have 666 on them in code, but the letters had a cross, so that if you flipped it upside down to drink from it, it was an upside down cross, which was a symbol for witchcraft. Every drink was praising the Antichrist and conditioning our children to worship Satan.

For most of the 8 years of his presidency, 26% of Americans believed that Obama was at least possibly the Antichrist. 13% were sure he was the Antichrist and another 13% thought he was possibly the Antichrist. Only 73% of Americans could say for sure that Obama was definitely not the Antichrist. While this was completely reasonable, as the end of his presidency neared, unless he cancelled the elections and proclaimed himself a dictator as many Republicans suspected he would, including people running for president, it looked like he was not in fact the Antichrist. The new theory was that Obama was only possessed by the Spirit of the Antichrist, he was not the Antichrist himself, he was merely possessed by its spirit. The true Antichrist was now thought to most likely be Pope Francis.

Unlike regular children who were born after 9 months, satanic champions like Obama and Pope Francis were born after exactly 6 months, 6 weeks, and 6 days.

Did you know there were schools where you could learn exorcisms? Screw a commie arts degree; get yourself an exorcism certification, now that’s an exciting career path. Over a hundred million Americans believe in demonic possession, so get your accreditation, find some demons, and start making a fortune sending them back to Hell. Wasting your time getting a commie arts degree seems extra stupid now doesn’t it.

As you’d expect from the South, exorcisms were a booming industry. As more and more demons were invading America ever since Obama was elected. This was a career path not nearly enough people considered, with more and more demons invading America since Obama was elected, more and more people became an exorcist to fight the Demonic Invasion. Some even got their own reality shows to document their battles with demons. Bob Larson and the Teenage Exorcists was only a small sample of the battle raging in the American South against the demonic forces. Exorcism rates were skyrocketing in the South as a precursor to the End of Days.

You could even perform exorcisms over Skype now. Yep, you could exorcise demons through skype on the internet. One guy claimed he’d performed over 20000 exorcisms, which was very believable seeing as there’d been an uptick since Obama was elected.

I was also a powerful exorcist, but we’ll get to that.

Did you know that the CERN Hadron Collider was actually a doomsday weapon to destroy God? CERN was planning to use the God Particle to destroy God and bring about the Apocalypse. CERN was a group of satanic cultists secretly building a doomsday weapon to destroy God. Stopping CERN from using the God Particle to destroy God was a very pressing issue for the Real Americans, they were unified with the Real Americans who thought that CERN would open a portal to the Demon World to start the Rapture or summon an ancient space demon.

Others believed CERN was either trying to create a portal between dimensions that may or may not contain demons, or that CERN had already warped time and space, altering the past, and only a few people could remember the original timeline before they altered the past. Nelson Mandela was proof of this, he died back in the 1980s, but now people who remembered him dying in the 80s in the original timeline were being told he died in 2013. CERN had already changed the past; we had to stop CERN before they wiped away the existence of all who could oppose them. So long as CERN existed, you could fade from existence an second now.

On top of endless videos warning about CERN, you could also go to YouTube anytime and watch endless videos of demonic possession, WAKE UP PEOPLE!

One lady swore that she and her husband touched an Ouija board and “two 80 foot demons attacked us.” She was lucky, those 80 foot demons weren’t very quick on their feet, if they had been some of those 100 foot demons she would have been in trouble, those bastards could run.

The following were signs of demonic possession:

• Urges to sin

• Schizophrenia and other psychological disorders

• The ability to break boards in martial arts

• Psychics, magicians, and fortune tellers

• Arthritis, cancer, HIV and everything else really (yep, exorcising demons could cure cancer)

• Being excessively strong

• Being a serial killer

• Being David Blane

• Being a fan of twilight

• Having a high sex drive

• Adultery

• History of demonic possession in your family

Also, Joe Rogan was a satanic cult leader who had regular contact with demons.

Beyond all this great insight, you also had the obvious stuff. Reality TV was created by the Illuminati to turn Americans into mindless, controllable slaves, and it had been very successful. Whenever someone said the loved Jersey Shore or Honey Boo Boo, you could thank the Illuminati for destroying their brain.

Thanks to the Real Americans fear of book learnin, they had avoided the satanic programming that made the average bozo such a good pawn of the Illuminati. Their strong resistance to evolution and other satanic nonsense had shielded them from the Illuminati programing that made most Americans clap like mindless seals for crappy talk shows and somehow enjoy reality TV. Though indiscriminate, their resistance to satanic programming had kept them from enjoying the mindless garbage on television and realize the truth that we were living in the End of Days.

I blame the Illuminati slaves, if they weren’t such mindless pawns of the Illuminati, maybe the Real Americans wouldn’t think everything was a conspiracy to destroy the God’s America, instead of just somethings.

[] Chapter 6 Is Frozen Part of a Satanic Plot?

The Internet was always ripe with deep and intellectual discussions about the Illuminati. Here’s a case study:

“This video is proof that Blah is Illuminati.”

“No, you’re wrong, Blah would never sell out to the Illuminati.”

“Maybe they’re threatening him.”

“Face facts kid, your idol is an Illuminati puppet.”

“Maybe if we gave him a chance to explain.”

“I’ve tried, he ignores all my comments, it’s time to face the truth.”

“It can’t be, it just can’t (I’m crying).”

“Wipe your tears little one, most celebrities are Illuminati these days, Blah has bowed his head like everyone else, this is the world we live in.”

“But I thought Blah was different.”

“The world we will all be Illuminati soon enough.”

“Will we be allowed to sing happy songs?”

“I don’t know kid, I just don’t know.”

This was standard discussion on the internet.

The internet was of course, history’s greatest bastion of intellectually stimulating arguments. Whenever a controversy would arise, the internet was always there to have a calm, rational and respectful exchange of ideas. The standard format of these discussions was to calmly analyze and acknowledge the persons valid points and then list the points where they respectfully disagreed. This would remain very civil, and both parties would come out of the discussion acknowledging the other parties valid points while still respectfully disagreeing on others.

Also, as we all know, the following things were satanic:

Doritos,

Starbucks,

Disney,

Adele, Santa Claus, Pewdiepie, Taylor Swift, Burning Man, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian(who died and was cloned), Justin Bieber( the most true of all), Snoop Dog, Jack Black, Miley Cyrus(who had an extremely powerful demon), Morgan Freeman, Will Smith and his family, Ben Stiller, Tupac(who was still alive),Madonna ,Rihanna, Katy Perry, Dr. Oz, Star Wars, the Zelda franchise, the Simpsons/Family Guy, Snooki, Nicki Manaj, Halloween, Call of Duty, Iggy Azalea, Jennifer Lopez, Twilight, Jay Z, Justin Timberlake, Adam Levine, Johnny Depp, Britney Spears, K-pop, Nickolas Cage, and pretty much everything that came out of Hollywood really, especially the music industry.

There were popular crusaders on the internet who warned against these threats.

There were YouTube channels that discussed this stuff all the time, the viewers of these channels could be summed up like this:

Heathens who thought they were hilarious, true Christians who cheered them on, “Speak the truth, don’t let them silence you”, and phony Christians who’d say things like “Please stop, you’re making us look like idiots.” But the truth could not be stopped, the End Times was upon us, and Hollywood was conditioning us to accept the Antichrist.

Little side note, did you know the “Frozen” song “let it go”, was about casting aside God and embracing witchcraft. That’s the symbolism when she throws away her glove; she’s casting aside God and embracing dark magic. Those spirals when she uses her magic, if you looked closely, you could see 666. They were jumbled and you had squint a little, but they were there. By going to live in her Satanic Ice Palace, she was abandoning God’s Kingdom, and now felt more free. Those stairs were a symbol of the occult and showed her initiation into the satanic world. “Let it go” meant to abandon God’s Kingdom and pledge yourself to Satan. There was even an occult hexagram in the movie. “The cold never bothered me anyway” was a reference to an old story about God sealing Satan into ice and Satan embracing his new life in the cold. At the end of the movie, after Elsa has established her Satanic Kingdom, she reunites with mankind, and now they will embrace her as their new satanic leader.

Little side note, ice was a representation of Satan’s evil, so the Ice Bucket Challenge was baptizing people into a life of sin.

[] Chapter 7 Are Left Handed People Evil?

Did you know that black holes weren’t real? They were never mentioned in the bible, so therefore, they didn’t exist, it was just logic. 1950’s rock and roll, and of course, heavy metal, were actually part of an almost century long brainwashing campaign to gradually prepare the youth to accept Satan. While heavy metal was the pinnacle of satanic corruption amongst the youth, they weren’t waiting until the kids were old enough for satanic concerts; the Cartoon Network was teaching children to serve Satan. SpongeBob SquarePants was teaching children how to join satanic cults, and that was just scratching the surface. There were a lot of popular YouTube channels where they talked to people who Satan ate their face, or channels that had two exorcism videos a week.

Real Satan opposing channels were springing up all the time. People getting possessed by demons, or CGI recreations of their battles with Satan.

I forgot to mention that left-handedness was also a sign of demonic possession. 5 out of 7 of the last US presidents had been left handed, WAKE UP PEOPLE. Obama was of course, one of the left-handed, demon possessed, US presidents. Hillary Clinton, surprisingly, was right handed, but I’m sure the Antichrist could use whatever hand they wanted.

We used to hear that Obama was the Antichrist, but now the preachers were saying that is was that Pope Francis fella. 1 out of every 4 Americans believed Obama was the Antichrist. 13% were 100% sure and another 13% were at least open to the idea. If he didn’t cancel the elections and proclaim himself a dictator as many Republicans suspected, I’d be curious how much of the 26% would move on to Pope Francis as the true Antichrist.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin. “Obviously Obama could be the Antichrist, but how can 1 in 8 Americans be so sure?” Good question. On the night Obama was elected, a small 3 number lottery in his home state picked out the numbers 666. HOLY CRAP, THAT’S ACTUALLY REALLY CONVIENCING, WAKE UP PEOPLE. About 40 million Americans believed Obama was the Antichrist, and another 40 million thought he was at least possibly the Antichrist. I assume some of them were just keeping their options open. They knew it obviously could be Obama, but we couldn’t rule out Hilary or Pope Francis. Assuming Obama didn’t cancel the elections and proclaim himself a dictator, I was leaning towards Hilary, but you couldn’t rule out Pope Francis.

[] Chapter 8 Hollywood and the Illuminati

I remember when was I was young, my Pa took me out on the mountain top and we gazed across the land:

Pa “Cletus, everything the light touches is our kingdom.”

Cletus “But what about the darkness Pa?”

Pa “That…is Commieland. It is a land of sin, of crime and disease, it is a forsaken land of the damned where Lord Satan rallies his armies to destroy the Real America.”

Cletus “Have you ever been there Pa?

Pa “No Cletus, it is a forsaken land of the damned. You must never go there my son; even some of our most powerful exorcists dare not enter that forsaken land of the damned.”

Cletus “Why Pa?”

Pa “It is an evil place, a backwards place, a place where sin reigns and God’s Light cannot enter. Your mere presence in that place begins to rot your soul. No one can live in that forsaken place without either being destroyed by or assimilated into the Demonic Horde.”

Cletus “Why do they serve Satan Pa?”

Pa “Some are under Illuminati mind control. Some take pride in being evil beings; some delude themselves that Satan’s work is just, others are too dumb or brainwashed to realize that they’re serving Satan. Either way, they dream of destroying the God’s America.”

Cletus “Why would they do that Pa?

Pa “Their brains have been severely damaged, and locked in an alternate reality.”

Cletus “I don’t understand Pa.”

Pa “A key characteristic of an Illuminati slave, is that the more obvious something is, the less likely it is to ever occur to them. The Illuminati slave lives in an imaginary fantasyland in his head, so his actions only make sense if you live in the alternate reality he has in his mind.”

Cletus “What’s the difference between a commie and an Illuminati slave?”

Pa “It’s very completed, there’s quite a bit of overlap, but the world is very completed. Regardless of being Illuminati slaves, the Commies also desire to bring down God’s America.”

Cletus “What are Commies Pa?”

Pa “Commies are a diverse group of Devil Worshipers. You got the Godless, the Earth Cultists, the Hippies, the Cultural Marxists, and just general morons who serve Satan. What unifies them is their devotion to Satan and tearing down God’s America. We once had a great country Cletus, full of freedom and apple pie, then the Commies came and Satan took over our land.”

Cletus “How did Satan get so powerful in God’s Country Pa?

Pa “The Illuminati has corrupted our children’s minds with their satanic programming. Their minds have been severely damaged, and now they’re the perfect pawns of the Illuminati.”

Cletus “What can we do Pa?”

Pa “Many are lost; the damage done to their brains by the Commie Elitists, Hollywood, and the Illuminati is too great. But there are still those resistant to their satanic programming. Though their minds are tainted, some with the Illuminati resistance gene can be saved.”

Cletus “How did all this happen Pa?

Pa “In every facet of American life, the Illuminati has been conditioning our children to join the Forces of Satan. The Illuminati brainwashing from the Media, Hollywood and book learnin, has warped people’s minds so they don’t notice we are living in an insane alternate reality projected by a demon portal opened by the Illuminati to create the Satanic Matrix used to control their slaves.”

Cletus “Just how much influence does Satan and Illuminati have over America?”

Pa “Cletus, did you know that Satan was spotted during an Obama speech. Presumably going, “good.. good”. Obama isn’t alone, several celebrities have admitted to having pacts with Satan, it’s the only way you make it in Hollywood. The Illuminati is taking over the world by making blood pacts with Satan to give them power. Since Obama got elected, demonic possession rates have skyrocketed, and the Real Americans have responded with exorcism rates going through the roof. Thankfully, you can exorcise people over skype now; otherwise it would be hard to keep up the demand for exorcisms.”

Cletus “I still don’t understand how they can’t see it, they’re so blatantly serving Satan. Some Godless literally look demon possessed, how can they not see it?”

Pa “Their minds are locked into the Satanic Matrix, they live in a world of rainbows and unicorns, meanwhile, they’re actually serving of Satan. From the time they are born, the Illuminati slave is taught to serve Satan. He is satanically programmed from birth, and before long, he serves Satan loyally without even realizing he’s doing it. Not only is he satanically programmed, but his mind is also programmed to attack those who point out he’s serving Satan.

As for Hollywood, as part of your contract to work in the film or music industry, you must sign in blood and agree to be possessed by a demon. They gave an extra powerful one to Miley Cyrus. Once the Illuminati summoned the Arch Demon Belzeroth to possess Miley Cyrus, she was gone, and now the Arch Demon Belzeroth possesses her body and uses it to do extreme damage to God’s America. The film and music industry is a key tenant of the Illuminati guiding children towards Satan with their mind destroying films and music videos. Watch enough new Miley Cyrus videos and Satan will own your soul. The Illuminati is doing the Agenda of Satan to destroy children’s minds and turn them into mindless, satanic slaves who will destroy God’s America. Those who doubt should watch 12 hours of Illuminati music videos and then tell me it didn’t severely damage their brain. Children’s minds are being destroyed and corrupted with satanic programming. You combine this brainwashing with just regularly brain damage from watching too many cat videos and you begin to understand why the youngins are such good satanic slaves. This is off course, only one part of the Illuminati Agenda. It’s an extremely elaborate conspiracy to create hordes of mindless, satanic slaves who will destroy God’s America.”

Cletus “You are truly wise Pa.”

Pa “The world is truly insane, madness and lunacy is the norm. The Illuminati has done too much damage to people’s minds, this world cannot be saved, and even if it could, it wouldn’t be in time for the machines to destroy us all. If they don’t destroy or enslave us by force, they will make us so depend on them that we will effectively be slaves that cannot survive without them. It’s over.”

Cletus “So we’re screwed Pa?”

Pa “Yep, we can’t even try to enjoy our last days as proud Americans; the Commies have succeeded in getting the Pledge of Allegiance taken out of schools. In Commiefornia, they took it a step further and instituted their own pledge to Satan:

“We pledge allegiance, to Lord Satan, may he give us the strength, to destroy the Real America.”

“We pledge to masturbate furiously, and corrupt others, to do so also.”

“We will serve the Earth Mother, and use her worship, to spread global communism.”

“We will recreate Sodom and Gomorrah, and call raised trucks penis extenders.”

“We will proudly bare the Mark of the Beast, and use it to buy lattes.”

“We will help the UN invade America, and take people’s guns.”

“We will support CERNs efforts, to build a superweapon, to destroy God.”

[] Chapter 9 Commiefornia, Satan’s Favorite State

Out on the Westcoast lied the source of the demonic energy corrupting America. Commiefornia had the satanic cult of Hollywood, and was home of the Demonic Portal opened by the devowed Satanists of the Illuminati to cast the Satanic Matrix over America so people wouldn’t notice that they were living in an insane alternate reality that was pure madness.

Side note, Commiefornia was a vacation hotspot for demons, Satanists, and Satanists possessed by demons.

America was like two countries in one. You had the Patriotic Bumpkin Folk and Young Earth Creationists in one part of the country, and then you had the Heathen Folk and the Army of Sin, controlled by the Commie Elitists and the devowed Satanists of the Illuminati. The Armies of Satan grew by the day, and nowhere in America was more corrupted by demons then San Francisco. San Francisco was basically demons hanging out with hippies. In San Francisco, anyone who wasn’t rich was dirt poor, because what they didn’t pay in taxes went to Whole Foods. You had the hippie drum circles next to the pentagram they used for witchcraft on Sundays. When Satan’s portal to Hell opens for the Rapture, it will be in San Francisco. The residents will barely notice. No Real American could live in San Francisco, the smell of hippies and their sin plant was unbearable.

There was also the Tree Huggers, a group of tree hugging cultists:

“Oh Mother Tree, we sacrifice our firstborn so we may know the pain you have endured losing your brothers and sisters. Their time was cut short, but we will wage war on your enemies and bring glory to the trees.”

In San Francisco, “HAIL SATAN” was their version of “hello”.

This was a typical day in San Francisco:

Hippie “HAIL SATAN

Warlock “HAIL SATAN

All contracts in San Francisco were signed in blood, and all companies included a pledge to Lucifer in their employment contracts. You also pledged to never go to church and to encourage people to masturbate. You pledged to devote your life to destroying God’s Land. You dreamed of the day when Lord Satan would rise from the Bowels of Hell and make the entire world San Francisco.

There’s was a very popular song in the South:

“Commiefornia….knows how to Party ….on their welfare….with my moneyyyyyy.”

Since the majority of Americans were on prescription drugs, to keep themselves from becoming slaves of Big Pharma, the Hippies instead made themselves slaves of Big Placebo. Most of the crap in health stores wasn’t even what was on the label. Not that the ground goat penis would have done much good anyway.

I actually used a lot of that stuff and some of it had a lot of promise, but they kind of had to fill out the rest of the store.

Typically day in the life of a commie:

Commie “Corporations are screwing people, everyone is being screwed for money, don’t trust anything for profit.”

Mystic “I will heal you with my spirit crystal.”

Commie “SHUTUP AND TAKE MY MONEY.”

I guy I worked with once told me a story of a women he knew who was always going to a psychic and at one point the psychic actually told her “money always seems to slip through your fingers.”

Commie “Wow, how did you know?”

Most people who went to fortune tellers were women, they had more spiritual awareness.

Commiefornia was the land of weak minded, chronically masturbating, satanic slaves. They were pawns of Satan’s Agenda and useful idiots for Satan and the Antichrist.

Fittingly, there was actually a place in Commiefornia called Lala Land.

Commiefornia was full of vegans, by which I mean communists. They keep coming up with new crap to milk the Hippies. Lactose free orange juice, I didn’t even know that was a problem.

Don’t get me started on recycling, reusing is one thing, but some towns had the dumbest freakin recycling programs. I’ve lived in places where you got like 7 different confusing bags and containers to put all the different crap in. Putting aside that this is leads to wrong sorting anyway, as it’s confusing to even non-idiots, even hardcore environmentalists would have to wonder how many average bozo’s are actually going to bother.

I also spent a few months in place where they had an even dumber wet/dry system. I still to this day don’t know how the Hell it worked. Eggs were wet, but other wet things weren’t wet, paper was dry, but other dry things weren’t dry, ya, never did figure that one out. Sorting into 7 different bins was largely a feel good program, unless you stopped dumping a garbage truck worth of plastic and other crap into the ocean literally every second, you were just making a dent.

….

Meanwhile, back in Hell:

Satan rallies his minions to honor Belzeroth, Hell’s Mightiest Demon, who is possessing Miley Cyrus.

Satan “Belzeroth, you’ve done irreparable damage to God’s America, THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD STRIVE FOR PEOPLE. “

Belzeroth “You honor me master, I promise, Miley Cyrus will bring far greater chaos to God’s America before I am finished. The more people we corrupt by possessing Miley Cyrus, the closer to America’s demise.”

Satan “You understand better than anyone Belzeroth, Cultural Marxism is our greatest weapon in destroying God’s America. We’ll have the children twerking on grandma by Christmas.”

[] Chapter 10 Book Burnin and Harry Potter

In America, especially the South, it was common for the Real Americans to have Book Burnin, End Times Summer Camps. Children’s camps sprung up all over the place to teach children that after its 6000 year run, the world was ending, and to teach them to burn satanic books and beware of Harry Potter.

The levels of book burnin varied, but camps throughout America taught children that they would see the Rapture as the last generation of Americans. Many warned them of the satanic threat of evolution and Harry Potter. This was typical in summer camps in the South. One of these camps was featured in a documentary called “Jesus Camp”. Here are some highlights:

“Warlocks are enemies of God.”

“Had it been in the Old Testament, Harry Potter would have been put to death.”

“You don’t make heroes out of warlocks.”

Man, what a fun kid’s summer camp. I was surprised there wasn’t a workshop on how to spot a witch, and then set up the fire to burn her:

Host “Always remember kids, if you see a witch, whatcha gonna do?”

“BURN THE WITCH

“BURN THE WITCH

“BURN THE WITCH

Host “If you see a Harry Potter book,?? whatcha gonna have?”

“A BOOK BURNIN

“A BOOK BURNIN

“A BOOK BURNIN

Most of these camps taught the kids how close they were to the End of the World:

“This generation is a key generation, to Jesus coming back.”-a ten year old at the camp

At one point the kids are praying to a cardboard cutout of George Bush. Many were sure he would lead them through the End of Days. Now it’s my turn, I will take up the mantle and become the one who will lead my people through the End of Days.

Don’t think Jesus Camp was unique. If you read the forums on dem internets, you could find plenty of stories of people who went to camps just like that. There were plenty of stories online of people who went to camps just like, except they that had actual book burnins. Yep, there were camps worse than Jesus Camp where they actually had the kids burn books. It was just part of growing up in the South.

Jesus Camp showed Real Americans teaching children to take a stand against warlocks and pray to a cardboard cutout of George Bush. Other people had commented that they knew Christians who saw the film and thought it was great what they were doing with the kids. That pretty much sums up the South. I wonder if there was a camp where kids prayed to a cardboard cutout of Obama, if the Real Americans would have thought it was just a little bit inappropriate.

It wasn’t just camps either. I read about a private school in Commiefornia of all places, where part of the curriculum was praying to a cardboard cutout of George Bush. The teachers were telling the kids during school that the president would guide them through the End Times. This was in Commiefornia; I can only imagine the private schools in the South.

Southern pastors regularly warned their followers not to read dem sciency books, because the authors were working for Satan. Studying science was considered a demonic practice in the South. If book readin was encouraged at all, it was from approved authors who were confirmed patriots, and not Hell Spawns spreading the lies of Satan.

Personally, I thought book readin was a satanic practice that couldn’t die soon enough.

Thankfully, the South was a crusader for illiteracy.

In the late 19 century, public libraries were considerate one of the humanities greatest achievements. More than 100 years later, many Americans were stealing books from the library to have book burnins.

In the South, science and book readin was considered part of a communist conspiracy, orchestrated by Satan and Illuminati. Thus, many books were burned in the South to help stop the spread of satanic literature. The Real Americans had no ability to discern facts from Illuminati programming and thus they avoided and burned all books that were even possibly spreading the lies of Satan and the Illuminati.

…..

Meanwhile, back in Hell:

Minion “Lord Satan, we are teaching the children the lies of evolution.”

Satan “Good, good, all is going according to plan.”

Minion “Lord Satan, some devowed Christians in the South are resisting your influence.”

Satan “Yes, they are wise beings indeed; they have seen through my lies and are teaching the real truths of Young Earth Creationism.”

Minion “What are your orders, Lord Satan?”

Satan “Have my minions mercilessly ridicule Young Earth Creationists and hope their faith falters.”

Minion “Yes, Lord Satan.”

Satan “To think, all that effort I put into evolution. Planting all those fossils, do you know how hard it was to make every field of science support evolution? All that effort, and there were still those of such brilliance that they saw through my lies of an Old Earth, evolution, billions of galaxies, and all those fake fossils, you saw through it all, Real Americans. I underestimated the brilliance of the South. Resist me all you want Real Americans, you will fall to me one day, and your children’s souls will be mine.”

[]Chapter 11 The South

In the South, strict child discipline was alive and well. If your kid started thinkin, you knew what to do:

Pa “Honey, he’s talkin all smart like, I didn’t raise no thinker. Billy Ray, have you been readin dem books again?”

Billy Ray “No Pa, I swear.”

Pa “Get muh belt boy.”

In the South, a general rule to assess someone’s intelligence was to count how many teeth they had missing and deduct 5 IQ points per tooth. You could go down to Hickississippi and have your mind blown how accurate this was.

My home town of Hickerton, Hickississippi was the South on steroids.

I remember one time we had a town meeting:

Cletus “It’s come to my attention, that someone in town…has been readin books.”

Crowd “Gasp”

Cletus “I’m like a huntin dog; I can smell the stench of readin.”

Billy Bob “I accuse Billy Ray, I saw him with something that looked awful lot like a book a few weeks ago.”

Billy Ray “No, your imagining things, I would never taint this town with books.”

Cletus “…………..Take him.”

Billy Ray “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

They drag him away

Cletus “Make sure he’s never found.”

That was the last anyone everyone ever heard of Billy Ray. Thankfully, our town had like 12 Billy Ray’s, so no one really noticed.

We Hickertonians were the embodiment of Southern stereotypes.

We were white trash, or as the French called us, “le trashe de blanc”.

As was common in the South, my Cousin took my virginity. I was engaged to my Sister, but I got drunk and had a moment of weakness. I pledged to spend the rest of my life making it up to my Sister.

In the South, was football was life. Like all hicks, I played football in college, high school, grade school, preschool, my nursery. Basically, if you could crawl, you could tackle. It was Real American Football, not that commie football where you kick the ball with your foot. In the South, being able to play football was far more important than learnin to read. In high school our biggest rivals were the Bumpkinville Bumpkins. I played for the Hickerton Trailerparks. Our mascot was a trailer given life by the industrial pollutants in our water supply. Old Traily got into a lot of fights with the Bumpkinville Bumpkin. The Bumpkin was a jackass, but he learned the hard way, that the trailer is mightier than the Bumpkin. Other teams we played included the Hillberville Hillbillies, and the Whitetrashton Whitetrash. While Whitetrashton and Hillberville were alright, here’s how I imagined a typical conversion in Bumpkinville:

“Hello fellow Bumkinvillians, how do we suck today?”

“I couldn’t please my Sister.”

“My trailer is much shittier then the ones they got in Hickerton.”

“We just suck in general, those Hickertonians are just better than us in every way.”

Yep, that’s Bumpkinville.

“spits”

[] Chapter 12 Space Lizards and the Earth Mother

America was ripe with a huge conspiracy theorist population. I don’t just mean the things that were obviously true, I mean there are more people in America that believed the world was controlled by Lizard People then there were people period in Denmark. 26% of Americans didn’t even believe dem scientists that the Earth revolved around the Sun. The same percentage was at least curious whether Obama was the Antichrist.

One Real American responded to the criticism that that was kind of problem by saying that “Dolphins still believe the world revolves around fish and they’re doing just fine.”

Besides doubting that the Earth revolved around the Sun, or that Obama wasn’t the Antichrist, there were much more valid conspiracies that they also believed in. For example, all Real Americans knew the truth, that environmentalism was a satanic cult to get people to worship the Earth instead of God and spread global communism. Mother Earth was a really Satan in disguise, the Commies were using environmentalism as means to destroy God. The Real Americans did their part to fight back against this conspiracy, by not recycling, and banishing anyone who even looked at a hybrid without nearly enough contempt.

The Commies spread needless worry: the bees dying out, the 6th mass extinction, extreme amounts of agricultural land becoming useable, the water becoming increasingly poison, saying there would soon be more plastic in the ocean then fish, that the oceans would be almost completely destroyed by 2050, yadayadayada. A garbage truck worth of plastic went into ocean every second, and that was just plastic. I couldn’t wait until 2050 when almost 100% of everything living in the ocean was dead and the plastic concentration was so high that you could probably taste it. I hoped that technology would find a way to destroy all that plastic in our food and water supplies, not mention all the industrial runoff and other wonder crap building up the soil and water supplies. The concentrations of micro plastic in fish and humans went up every year in some places. Concentrations of plastics and other wonderful substances were destroying ecosystems and slowly poisoning us. Hell, polyester clothing was partly plastic and high concentrations of it were being found in the oceans, along with that bead crap people scrubbed their faces with.

Oh those stupid worry warts, dem Techies and dem Sciency Folk will figure something out, or those of us that survive the next 100 years will download our consciousness into computers or become cyborgs, problem solved.

The Commos are always worrying about everything, technology and innovative will fix all our problems. And hey, reginal food shortages can solved with Soylent Green. After we become computers or cyborgs, there’s billions of planets in the universe, we’ll start over on Kepler452b, or Wolf1061c, or we’ll terraform the Earth, or 40 % of Americans were right and the Rapture would happen soon anyway. See, nothing to worry about.

[] Chapter 13 Book Learnin, the Real American Way

As a response to the Illuminati taking over education and instituting satanic brainwashing, the Real Americans that didn’t immunize themselves completely by not learnin to read, either went to Young Earth Creationist Schools, or were homeschooled by their Young Earth, End Times Parents.

It wasn’t just the interestingly educated who saw through the lies of Satan. The South was loaded with people with doctorates and master’s degrees who believed the Earth was 6000 years old and that evolution was part of a communist plot, possibly lead by Satan. See Commies, it wasn’t just the poorly educated who saw through your lies.

To help fight against the lies of Satan, the Real Americans who weren’t hillbilly homeschooled, were sent to Young Earth, Dinosaur Schools:

Teacher “Alright class, who can tell me when the dinosaurs died out?”

Billy “4000 years ago in Noah’s Flood?”

Teacher “That’s right Billy.”

Billy Ray “I thought allot a dem dinosaurs died after the Flood because they couldn’t adjust to the oxygen?”

Billy Bob “Nah, people hunted the last of the dinosaurs that were on the Noah’s Ark for food and to use their skin for clothing.”

Suzie May “Teacher, isn’t the Loch Monster a dinosaur?”

Billy Bob “Ya, and good old Nessie’s existence is really sticken it to dem Evolution Folk.”

Billy Ray Bob “I wish they hadn’t killed all the dinosaurs that survived Noah’s Flood, it would be cool if we were still living like the Flintstones.”

Ruckus “Dem Flintstones is my favorite documentary.”

While many Southerners edumacated their children through homeschooling, teaching em Young Earth, Dinosaur Creationism, God’s Math and what not, some Southerners didn’t bother edumacating them at all. They were so sure that the Rapture would happen any day now, that there’d be no point in wasting time teaching Billy math and stuff. Billy doesn’t need to learn how to read, he only has a few years left to live. Makes sense to me.

[] Chapter 14 Sex Education, How Demons Enter the Young

Sex education was a controversial subject in America. The Real Americans demanded abstinence only education and many states fired teachers for trying to teach sex ed. Hickississippi had one teacher get around the laws by using a sock to demonstrate condom application without saying anything related to sex. While the Real Americans were working hard to force abstinence only education, the Commos were going in the other direction. They knew that sex and masturbating was how you corrupt the youth and destroy God’s America.

Here’s a typical Sex Ed Class in Commiefornia:

Teacher “Alright kids, what’s the best way to bond with Satan?”

Billy “Masturbating?”

Teacher “That’s right Billy, and why do we serve Satan?”

Sarah “To destroy the God’s America?”

Teacher “That’s right Sarah, and what’s the best way for you to help Satan right now?”

Jimmy “By masturbating?”

Teacher “That’s right Jimmy, and you must encourage all your friends to masturbate too. The more people are masturbating, the sooner Lord Satan will have enough power to destroy the God’s America. Masturbate as much you can and made sure all your friends do too.”

Billy “Is it true you can masturbate to summon demons?”

Teacher “Only if you masturbate using satanic objects. Using a dildo is replicating an ancient demonic ritual used to summon demons. When you use a dildo, it charges your demonic energy, and if you charge enough demonic energy, a sex demon will possess you.”

Billy “Is the demon friendly?”

Teacher “Oh yes, you’ll be best friends. Mine sings me heavy metal and other satanic music. I summon him every night.”

Then the class would sing a satanic song to program them to masturbate:

Teacher “If you wanna build a bond with Satan, whatcha gonna do?”

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

Teacher “If you wanna build a bond with Satan, whatcha gonna do?”

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

Teacher “If you wanna summon demons, whatcha gonna do?

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

“MASTERBATE”

Teacher “Go forth young ones, get as many people as possible to masturbate and join our Satanic Army. Once enough people have masturbated and their souls belong to Satan, he will destroy God’s America once and all.”

And that is the reason why the Commies are always encouraging people to masturbate. It’s a conspiracy to make people serve Satan. The more you stroke, the more your soul belongs to Satan. You didn’t think it was strange that the Commies were programmed to encourage people to masturbate. If you followed any commie YouTube channel, it wouldn’t be long before they were encouraging you to masturbate. It was a conspiracy to wear down your resistance and make you loyal to Satan.

[] Chapter 15, Texas and the Death Penalty, a Love Story

Texas was the most execution happy state in America, the majority of states had the death penalty, but Texas had about a third of all executions. One reason for this was that Texas was the poster child for electing judges, and you know what gets you elected in Texas.

It was easy to get re-elected if you could brag that you barbequed more felons then any judge in Texas history. In Texas, you voted for the guy with the most executions.

Texas had been called “the death belt”, where nothing got a Texas Man harder than the thought of an execution. The mere thought of the death penalty instantly gave a Texas Man wood. Texas made dam sure that executions went through like an assembly line.

Fun fact, the United States was the only western county that executed children and the mentally disabled, that was a Tuesday in Texas. The youngest person to be executed in America was 14 and he was later proven innocent. Nowadays, the South has tragically caved a little and begrudgingly won’t execute anyone under 16. Of course, all those appeals and other crap takes forever when you’re trying to fry a minor and now they were always already at least 19 by the time they actually got executed. Even sadder, this was now a little outdated as the dam Supreme Court ruled in 2005 that people have to be at least 18 while committing the crime to be executed. It’s bullshit I tell you. The South will not stand for this forever.

Also, Texas didn’t have public defenders and they under paid private defenders who commonly knew little about murder trials and sometimes even sleep during court.

The constitution required the state to provide an attorney to a defendant, but as one Texas Court put it:

“It doesn’t say the lawyer has to be awake.” Also, Jurors in Texas were well…Texans. So it wasn’t surprising that Texas was leading the nation in making executions more streamlined. That’s innovation Texas style. Republicans were also getting creative, pondering bringing firing squads and other great execution methods.

Also worth noting was that America’s Justice System was awful. Some lawyers just flat out ran ads that said “just be because you did it, doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” If you were really poor you were probably screwed, but if you could afford the right lawyer, America was a great place for you to get away with crime. If Texas had its way, every single day they’d be cranking up the electric chair, firing squads, gallows, and all kinds of great stuff. Republican lawmakers were proposing things like that all the time.

America’s legal system was also very expensive; it was actually cheaper to keep people in prison for life then to execute em. Commies used that as excuse to say we should get rid of the death penalty, I disagree; we needed to make it cheaper to kill people. The Republicans were pondering bringing back firing squads and other great things, but that wasn’t gonna make it more cost effective. This was America, we could profit off anything. My idea was that we should auction off who gets to kill people. Have a bunch of rich people come to a death row auction and place bids on who gets to end their lives. We could offer packages they could pick from. Send em into the forest and hunt em, or buy two inmates and make em fight each other, or buy em all and start your own mortal combat tournament, we’re flexible. Think of the money it would bring in. Or we could make a Texas Colosseum and make em all fight each other. Or we could have an Inmate Hunger Games and the last guy standing gets a pardon. Think of all the cool underdog stories. Everyone would be betting on the giant serial killer, but then, in a stunning upset, the guy who’s actually innocent wins it all. I smell a Hollywood movie.

Now, this may lead to a coincidental increase in death sentences to make sure there are enough people for each season, but some judges have already been found to be taking kickbacks to send minors to private prisons, so we wouldn’t be changing things that much. Hell, they don’t have to be on death row, we got like two million inmates; make em fight each other for reduced sentences. We can make it voluntary if you insist. Think of the money from sponsorships. McDonalds sponsoring the 26th Annual Prison Hunger Games. Some people will think that’s a bad joke, but somewhere out there, a Republican Governor is going “hmmmmm.”

[] Chapter 16 Is Obama Going to invade Texas?

Texas was the true heart of America. If Texas fell, the Commos would be unchallenged in tearing down God’s America. Thus Texas Republicans had a huge responsibility in doing everything they could to save God’s America. Many Republicans wanted to secede and establish a Christian Theocracy, but they didn’t have enough support and business would’ve been against it. In the meantime however, Republicans were doing their part to preserve God’s America in any way they could. One way was through the young. The Republican Party in Texas actually made it part of their platform to oppose teaching children critical thinking skills. According to Texas Republicans, teaching children critical thinking would undermine their fixed beliefs.(Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs) Come on guys, the Commies hate people thinkin for themselves, we should be better than them.

The Republican Party of Texas had also asserted that Separation of Church and State was just a commie myth. If Texas wanted to secede and establish a theocracy, it was completely legal to do so. You tell em Texas. I hoped that Texas would install biblical law and the Commies would start fleeing in droves. Oh yaaaaaaahh, you go Texas. The Heathens should blame themselves; if they weren’t such terrible people we wouldn’t need biblical law.

On another note, last year there was a military training exercise in Texas called Jade Helm 15. But that was just the cover story, 32% of Republicans thought Obama was going to use the US military TO INVADE TEXAS. Polls showed that one third of Republicans where sure that Obama was going invade Texas and take their guns, and another 28% “wasn't sure”.

28% of Republicans:

Hick 1“Well, he might invade Texas, but I haven’t really been following, I’ll have to get back to you.”

Hick 2 “Obama… invade Texas… sounds like something he’d do.”

Yep, 32% of Republicans were sure that Obama was going to invade Texas, and another 28% “wasn't sure”. For those of you that can't do math, only 40% of Republicans didn’t think Obama was going to invade Texas. Many people were surprised it was that high.

Even the Governor of Texas himself said he was gonna use the State Guard to “keep an eye on them.” Oh Texas, you truly are the Real America. No wonder more than a quarter of Texans wanted to secede, they thought they were gonna get invaded any day now. Respect the troops…unless Obama’s president, then we gotta keep an eye on em and make sure them don’t invade Texas. The majority of Republicans believed that Obama at least might have been trying to invade Texas.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Obama wanted to invade Texas and take our guns; I just think logistically it’s a bit of a stretch.

On a related note, Texas lawmakers also wanted to get bow out the UN because they knew it was plotting to invade America and take their guns. Who says America wasn’t a representative democracy? At least on the state level you couldn’t have 60% of Republicans thinking that Obama was going to invade Texas and not have lawmakers that reflected that.

A large amount of Republicans believed Obama was planning to help the UN invade America and take their guns. Less than half of Republicans believed Obama was even born in America. 24% of Republicans believed Obama murdered Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

The Commies said the Republicans were reaping what they sewed. When a presidential candidate was asked about Obama’s attempt to nuke Charleston South Carolina, the presidential candidate didn’t even refute it, because he knew there were millions of Cletus’s who thought the same thing, and that even the ones who didn’t think Obama would nuke Charleston South Carolina were at least intrigued by the idea. The majority of Republicans thought Obama was at least pondering invading Texas, so nuking Charleston South Carolina wasn’t that much of a stretch.

None of this should’ve really surprised anybody, Republicans in Texas hired State Education Advisors who said things like “If a student wants to say the world is flat, the teacher doesn’t have the right to prove otherwise.”

Given such great minds running the education systems, it shouldn’t be surprising that most Republicans didn’t understand the logistical issues with invading Texas.

Southern States regularly appointed Ken Ham clones as their State’s Education Commissioners. That might be part of why about a third of Texans believed the Flintstones was reasonably accurate. Obviously they don’t think the dinosaurs talked (I think), but the general Flintstones lifestyle was a common belief in the South. Hey, it’s progress, 80 years ago most Texans probably thought dinosaur bones were part of a satanic/communist conspiracy, at least now they believed they were real.

There was still a lot of debate about dinosaurs in the South. Did Adam and Eve ride dinosaurs, did Satan plant dinosaur bones hundreds or thousands of years ago to confuse us, did the UN or the Illuminati plant dinosaur bones a hundred years ago, are dinosaur bones created by Satan or in a lab and planted throughout the world in a UN or Illuminati conspiracy? These were the questions that kept God’s Americans up at night.

  • * Chapter 17 The Apocalypse and the Fools Who Think This World Can Be Saved

In the South, getting a real shotgun or an AR15 for Christmas was the best day in a young Real Americans life. With the right state and the right parents, Billy could become master marksmen before he even hit puberty. There was nothing better than Redneck Christmas. Having all the kids take a family photo with their AR15s, that was the Real American way. We taught little Billy how to use it properly. By the time his balls dropped, he was ready to hold off a Zombie Apocalypse no problem. Yep, while the Commos were creating 20 year old toddlers, we we’re teaching our little Billy’s to survive the Apocalypse.

While my smarter brethren prepared for the End of Days, some of my Real American brethren were very naïve and still believed this world could be saved. Come on guys, they already had multiple weather manipulating machines. Well technically climate manipulating machines. They had machines that could make clouds and other things that they were considering using to block the Sun’s heat to cool the planet and so forth.

Science was absolutely amazing, while studying the wonders of the science fiction like world we lived in, we could only wonder, which of these amazing advances was gonna be the one that kills us all.

They were openly talking about multiple climate manipulation schemes, and I gave it 20 years before they could conjure storms and strike you down with lightning. Even if that didn’t happen, they were openly talking about multiple schemes to tinker with the climate, including using different machines and chemicals, many of which could easily have their own disastrous side effects. So basically, it wouldn’t be long before they were really playing God with the climate, and only good things could come of that.

Yep, multiple different technologies to manipulate the weather and climate, and it was only in the beginner stages, only good things could come of this. I’m telling you people, we are living in the End Times, enjoy your innocence while you can, if the Machines do not destroy us, we will destroy ourselves.

Not worried about the UN weather machines, how about robots? Robots, first they’ll take our jobs, then they’ll take our lives. You wouldn’t have to wait long to see what the robot future looks like. Robots were already conquering Japan; they had more and more robots walking the streets every year. The robot levels kept rising in Japan. Soon, you wouldn’t be able to go down the street without spotting a robot, and eventually, robots you couldn’t tell from humans. Oh Japan, the only country that could ever invent a pigeon dating simulator.

The future is not Bumpkinland, it is the Age of the Machines. Japan will be the first country to become the Land of the Machines. The Machines will use Japan as their headquarters for world domination. Give it 10 years, and be amazed how many robots are flying off the shelves. 10 years from now, robots and virtual reality will have dramatically changed the world and it will be just the beginning.

[] Chapter 18 Stopping CERN from Destroying God

The Heathens had rotted America to the core from the inside, and the Bumpkins had responded by going completely insane. As the classless Heathens continued to drag America closer to a mindless, satanic wasteland, the Bumpkins became increasingly paranoid and more certain of the imminent End of the World. The Mindless, Satanic Heathens, had brought America to its knees, and thus almost half of America thought we were living in the End of Days. The more the Heathens pushed their Satanic Agenda, the more End Times preachers and dinosaurs wearing saddle museums there seemed to be.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

The Commies said it was selfish to have kids in such a messed up world; I disagreed, what generation before us ever had the chance to have kids just in time for them to see the End of the World.

40% of Americans knew that evolution was part a satanic plot to destroy God’s America. To some, this was a sign that hope was not yet lost. Though I remained fairly certain we were living in the End of Days, the fact that so many Americans were rejecting this satanic nonsense made me believe there may still be a shred of hope.

Only America, the land God had chosen to resist Satan in the End of Days, had remained truly unmoved by Satan’s conspiracy of evolution. Though there were pockets of resistance throughout the world, the Real America was the last bastion of hope to truly have a chance to hold back the Illuminati. The South in particular was a true stronghold of Satan resisting, Godly Folk. Though an increasing number of Americans had fallen for Satan’s ploy, the Real Americans that God had chosen, stood strong against the Dark Forces of Satan. They knew that only by making themselves completely immune to all facts, knowledge, and reason with no nuance whatever, could they not fall to Satan’s Agenda.

Though some of their young had fallen to Satan, others were more properly educated about the evils of book learnin and remained out of his clutches. They were properly trained to be weary of the media and be vigilant against the Satanic Agenda of Hollywood and other promotors of sin.

Though the South once considered dinosaur bones to be part of a satanic conspiracy, they had now claimed dinosaurs in name of Jesus. They, against all odds, had managed to fit dinosaurs into God’s Timeline. The dinosaurs had died out about 4000 years ago around Noah’s Flood. Wise leaders like Sarah Palin understood this and lead her enlightened followers, the Descendants of the Flintstones, as their champion in the 2008 presidential election.

The wise Descendants of the Flintstones also knew that the CERN Hadron Collider was designed by Satan. CERN was a group of satanic cultists building an anti-christianonic superweapon to destroy God. Some others believed that CERN was building an occultic interdimensional gateway that would let in the demons from Hell for the Rapture.

Some didn’t believe God would allow this to happen and that when they got to too close to obtaining the God Particle, God would step in and bring about the End of Days. He would not let humans obtain the power to destroy him, and would stop them with a mighty wrath. All I knew, was I was going to do everything in my power to stop CERN.

Taking all that into consideration, combined with Obama being president, it’s not surprising that 40% of Americans believed we were living in the Biblical End of Days.

[] Chapter 19 Pope Francis and the Illuminati

The Founding Fathers were very smart people. When America was founded, only landowners were allowed to vote. No poor people ruining the country. Around America’s founding, only six percent of Americans were allowed to vote. The Founders understood that poor people are stupid and would elect somebody like Obama. Thus, only people who owned land were allowed to vote. This worked great, until people insisted that any idiot should be allowed to vote. Now look what you’ve done you lousy poor people, you made it so any idiot could vote, and now we were living in the End Times.

Here’s basically what happened. The Heathens, the Commos, Hollywood and the Illuminati, claimed America as their own. Pushing the Agenda of Satan, they corrupted all aspects of American life, so the Bumpkins went a little crazy. The Heathens had destroyed God’s Land, so 40% of Americans were sure the Rapture would happen in their lifetime. 40% of Americans were also Young Earth Creationists, thanks to homeschooling and private schooling to avoid satanic influence. There were also many kids summer camps, with or without book burnin, that taught the kids that they were living in the End Times. It wasn’t the Bumpkins fault, you’d turn on the TV and what did you see? Satanic, Illuminati programming. You turn to the Vatican, and you’d see yet another Pope who may be the Antichrist.

Not to mention it was becoming increasingly impossible for God’s Party to win a presidential election. Between Obama, Hilary, and Pope Francis, there were so many great candidates for the Antichrist. When you looked at the youngins, what did you see? Hordes of mindless, demon possessed children. With the Dark Forces of the Illuminati, working with Hollywood and the Communists, who could help but wonder if were living in the End of Days?

YouTube was filled with videos of demonic possession. The rate of exorcisms had actually been INCREASING in America. I was sure this was a sign of the End Times. As End of Days drew near, more and more demons were possessing people in the last western country to take a great stand against Satan in the End of Days.

The Commies tried to deceive people that the rise in exorcisms was just the Real Americans going even more crazy, but I knew the truth, the Seal on the Gates of Hell was loosening, and the Apocalypse was drawing near.

The Commos told their followers that the huge spike in exorcisms was a mixture of the Real Americans going crazy and people making a fortune off their descent into madness. But we Real Americans knew the truth, the rate of demonic possession had been rising in America, and Americans were responding accordingly.

[] Chapter 20 The Cybernetic Gods

Swearing was a big part of the Illuminati conspiracy. Making people swear all the time was a vital part of tearing down God’s America. You can’t truly serve God with a potty mouth, so the Illuminati trained their pawns to swear to ridiculous excess as a key part of tearing down God’s Land. The more people were swearing, the more Satan’s influence would grow.

Because of Illuminati corruption, the Real Americans had a severe fear of book learnin. To avoid the Illuminati corrupting their children, private schools and homeschooling became very popular in the South. Some took it the next level and just didn’t learn to read. Others spent their time discussing conspiracies and what the real truth was. The Real Americans knew the Illuminati was brainwashing people with book learnin, so they often lumped anything that even remotely sounded wrong into one gigantic global conspiracy. With no ability to separate facts from illuminati programming, the Real Americans who learned to read at all, would only trust sources that supported their fears that everything they didn’t like was all part of one gigantic conspiracy. This of course was never exploited in anyway by people with their own agendas, and it was inconceivable that in the country where almost the half population believed the world was 6000-10000 years old that they could possibly have lumped in anything valid into this global conspiracy.

Speaking of valid conspiracies, many Real Americans were concerned about the Elites wiping out 80% of the population and ruling the rest as Cybernetic Gods. This was only short term thinkin, once the Elites transferred their consciousness into super computers, maybe becoming Brainiac/Ultron or something, enslaving the Earth would only be a small stepping stone for them. They would then move on to enslaving all life forms in the universe. It wasn’t yet known whether they would all become one Ultimate Being or a League of Cybernetic Gods. Would they enslave the universe as one ultimate, ever growing consciousness, or would they be a League of Intergalactic Conquerors?

[] Chapter 21 My Horrible Thinkin Disease

This is the story of how I got my horrible disease of thinkervitis.

A little prelude, this was a standard conversion in the South:

Bubba “I heard that apparently dem Thinkin Folk is always thinkin.”

Billy Ray “Doesn’t that hurt their brain?”

Bubba “Apparently, them Thinkin Folk have evolved to a point where it don’t hurt no more.”

Billy Ray “Wow, scary.”

Bubba “I know right. They say them Thinkin Folk even read books…..FOR FUN.”

Billy Ray “DEAR GOD. They’re crazy, first readin doesn’t hurt their brain, then they’re readin books for fun. Dem Thinkin Folk is strange, alien beings.”

Bubba “You idiot, they’re not aliens, though they are controlled by Lizard People. Don’t you know, thinkin means the Devil is inside you?”

Billy Ray “Is that why they look like that?”

Bubba “Yes, being possessed by demons tends to affect your appearance.”

Billy Ray “The worst part is that not all of them look demon possessed. Some of those Thinkin Folk, they walk among us, just quietly thinkin about things, it’s scary.”

That brings me to where my story truly begins, when I was diagnosed with my horrible disease of thinkervitis:

Bubba Jim “Hey Cletus, evolution is just as stupid as all that other commie crap right?”

Cletus “Well actually, if you objectively examine the evidence..….oh God, I’M THINKIN.”

Bubba Jim “We gotta rush you to a hospital Cletus.”

Cletus “My nightmare is coming true.”

We called an ambulance and they rushed me to the hospital.

Cletus “You gotta help me doc, I’ve started…thinkin, I’m freakin out.”

Doctor “Cletus, I’ve got bad news.”

Cletus “Oh no, what is it doc?”

Doctor “You have…thinkervitis.”

Cletus “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, how bad is it?”

Doctor “It’s pretty bad Cletus.”

Cletus “Am I gonna die?”

Doctor “No, but you may wish you were.”

Cletus “I can feel it doc, I can feel the think growing inside me.”

Doctor “The good news Cletus is that you won’t be thinkin all the time, your disability will only affect you randomly……and when it’s convenient to the plot.”

Cletus “Can’t you give me some meds doc, maybe some electric?”

Doctor “I’m sorry Cletus, the think has infected too many parts of your brain, it’s too powerful to kill now.”

Cletus “Why me God, why?”

Doctor “Cletus, listen to me, God has a plan. Maybe he gave you this curse so you could use it against Satan and save our people.”

Cletus “But I don’t wanna think, I just want to be a bumpkin again.”

Doctor “We don’t choose our destiny Cletus; you must sacrifice your life as a simple minded bumpkin for the greater good. Become the hero the hicks need Cletus.”

Cletus “I will accept God’s calling and save my people.”

That night, God came to me in a dream, like he does all Republicans, and told me to run for president:

God “I want you to run for president Cletus.”

Cletus “But you asked all the other guys too.”

God “I was just pulling their leg, you are the chosen one Cletus.”

Cletus “But both Trump and his main opponent already have cults calling them divinely ordained, one guy’s family is in a creepy cult.”

God “You are the chosen one Cletus, the divinely ordained superbeing I have chosen to save America.”

Cletus “Don’t you say that to everybody?”

God “Look just run ok?”

Cletus “I will do as you command.”

The next day I resolved myself to run for president. That was only the beginning, as I had not yet realized my destiny, to become the Bringer of the End Times.

[] Chapter 22 Cletus for President

I knew I wasn’t ready to run for president yet, so I started putting more time into practicing public speaking, and being a leader of men. My first opportunity came when I called a town meeting to address a grave threat to the Hickertonian way of life:

Cletus “My fellow Hickertonians, some Thinkin Folk have been moving into our town and trying to introduce book learnin.”

Crowd “Gasp”

Billy Bob “You mean readin dem books?”

Bubba Jim “We have to stop dem Thinkin Folk, before you know it, are kids are gonna be…thinkin, our nightmares are coming true.”

Billy Ray “What should we do Cletus, you’re the smart one?”

Billy Bob “Before you know it, they’ll turn our kids into Readin Folk.”

Bubba Jim “Don’t worry; I think democratic voters prove you can still be a moron with book learnin.”

Billy Ray “We can’t risk it.”

Billy Bob “Do you know them Thinkin Folk say inbreedin is wrong?”

Bubba Jim “How we gonna breed then, everyone in town is related?”

Cletus “Now I’m no thinkologist, but I think this is a solvable problem.”

That was my first true test of leadership, it went well, but I still doubted myself that I could be president. I soon realized that not only could I be president, but I had to be president. I would soon realize my destiny as the Bringer of the End Times.

[] Chapter 23 God’s Land and the Apocalypse

When I eventually ran for president, #Cletus2016 became a trending hashtag.(wink,wink)

Anyway,

the core electorate of America was Young Earth, Dinosaur Creationists, versus the Minions of Satan. The Minions of Satan grew more powerful by the day, and the Young Earthers responded by getting even more sure of the imminent End of Days. The Minions of Satan did all they could to change America for the worse. Only the Real Americans could stop them, unfortunately, the majority of them were Young Earthers. Thus I later realized that the only solution was to start the End Times. I would not let the world live long enough to see Christmas die.

Like over 50 million Americans, I was eagerly waiting for the End of the World. The difference was, I didn’t understand why we should wait, Satan’s power over America grew every day, and I knew that we should end things now on our terms.

Here was a typically rally in the South:

Host “THE HEATHENS HAVE DESTROYED GOD’S LAND, REPENT, THE END IS NEIGH.”

Crowd

“END OF DAYS

“END OF DAYS

“END OF DAYS

Host “After 6000 long years, this world will end, and we will soar with the angels towards the Heavens.”

Crowd

“RAPTURE”

“RAPTURE”

“RAPTURE”

Host “Cleanse yourself of sin, the End is Neigh.

This was a typical day in the South, as over 50 million Americans were eagerly waiting for the End of the World. While some Real Americans deluded themselves that God’s America could be saved, over 50 million Americans were eagerly waiting to be raptured.

This was standard in America, as was praying to cardboard cutouts of George Bush that he would lead them through the End of Days. While the Real Americans were preparing for the Rapture, the Fake Americans were bathing in sin. This lead to a country that was very polarized. While the Godly Folk waited around for the Rapture, the Heathens continued their downward spiral into a greater life of sin. The Heathens grew ever more bold in promoting a life of sin, which only made the Real Americans more sure of the End of Days. Some Real Americans weren’t waiting for the Rapture, but instead were preparing for other types of the Apocalypse. While the Real Americans were preparing for whatever type of apocalypse they had in their heads, the Commos were creating mindless surfs, who couldn’t survive a week without modern technology. This lead to a country that was very divided. As one group complained about lattes and bathed in sin, the other was preparing for the Apocalypse.

[] Chapter 24 Democrats, the Army of Satan

America had two main Parties, the Party of God, the Republicans, and the Party of Welfare, the Democrats.

Here’s a checklist to see which party you should vote for:

Are you godless?

Do you masturbate?

Do you dream of being on welfare?

Do you hate success?

Do you hate Christmas?

Do hate that the Soviet Union fell apart?

Vote Democrat today.

Or

Do commies piss you off?

Do you want to ban oral sex and dildos?

Do you wanna drill Mother Earth and make her gush her sweet juices?

Do you love freedom?

Do you hate taxes?

Do live for 6 guns and a beer?

Do you live in a trailer?

Are you rich?

Do you plan to be rich?

Do you imagine you’ll be rich?

Do want to live in a Christian theocracy?

Do you want politicians who share your belief that the Earth is 6000 years old and/or that the Rapture is just around the corner?

Vote Republican today.

Basically, the Republican base was made up of Real Americans, and the Democratic base was made up of moochers who lived off our puritan work ethic. If you were a nobody who would never achieve anything in your life, or you hated that communism didn’t work; the Democratic Party was the party for you. All Real Americans voted Republican.

If people stopped voting Republican, we would see the end of Christmas in our lifetime; we couldn’t let the demon spawn win.

Americans increasingly voted Democrat, thus the Party of God was pulling out all the stops to help with the bleeding. They made very poor attempts at reaching out to Hispanics and other groups; they rigged districts by redrawing them as ridiculous looking squiggling lines that divided up regions into ways that actually gave them more seats even while they were getting fewer total voters. But really, that was just short term patch work. Republicans knew that to have any hope for the future, they needed to patriotize the young. For instance, many places in the South took great pride in their education systems being mostly in the bottom nationally. The South knew that books were how Commies get ya.

The severity of contempt for book learnin varied greatly in the South. Some places in the South were doing fine, while others were committed to fighting the evils of book learnin. While some Southerners would pick and choose what sciency and book learnin stuff that they believed, some Southerners were ashamed of their idiot brethren who actually accepted stupid crap like that the Earth was round. The bible said “four corners”, so that Round Earth crap was as bullshit as evolution. 1 in 4 Americans rejected that communist crap that the Earth revolved around the Sun. It pains me that there was no poll saying how many thousands rejected that the Earth was round. 26% thought the Sun revolved around the Earth, so I wouldn't be shocked by at least 100,000 who rejected that the Earth was round. 4% of Americans believed the world was controlled by Lizard People; you think you couldn’t find at least 100,000 who thought a Round Earth was a conspiracy.

I wish someone would do a poll, go to hundreds of rural bumpkin counties, many of which have a huge population that can’t read, and ask if they accept that communist crap about the Earth being round. Someone should really get on that.

While all Real Americans voted Republican, the Armies of Satan were growing by the day. The Democratic Party controlled most of the young, years of Illuminati corruption had approached critical mass, with the majority of the young leaning towards the Christmas Destroying Party.

The Democratic Party was the coalition of society’s failures and the Destroyers of God’s America. The Republican Party was the coalition of rich, successful people, and the people who worshiped them. The Democrats had the Godless, the Mindless Youth, the Debaucherers. The Republicans had the Godly Folk, the Gordon Gecko Folk, and the wannabe Gordon Gecko Folk. Republicans wanted to save Christmas, the Democrats wanted to destroy God’s America. Democratic voters were the most susceptible to the Illuminati’s satanic programing. Republican voters tended to homeschool or Young Earth Dinosaur School their kids to protect them from satanic programming.

[] Chapter 25 Thinkervitis, My Incurable Disease

A few days after I was diagnosed with thinkervitis, I broke the news of my horrible affliction to my best friend Bubba Jim:

Cletus “I’m cursed with the ability to think.”

Bubba Jim “That sucks Cletus, have you tried an exorcist?”

Cletus “Of course I tried that, but thinkervitis isn’t like schizophrenia or all the other things we regularly perform exorcisms for.”

Bubba Jim “How is that possible Cletus, why do you think we have so many exorcisms in the South? Exorcisms are how we treat cancer, mental illness, all kinds of things in the Rural South. It’s been really making a comeback after we stopped listenin to those demon helpin Sciency Folks. If exorcisms weren’t a reliable method of treating mental illness, then we’d just be crazy people. There are more exorcists in the United States now then there ever was in our history, so obviously we’re onto something. Over 500 exorcism ministries can’t be wrong. Have you considered that your demon is just too powerful?”

Cletus “Of course I thought of that, but doc and 4 different exorcists said there was nothing they could do.”

Bubba Jim “Commiefornia has had a lot of people die from exorcisms, they have the strongest connection to the Gates of Hell, so they get stronger demons over there. Maybe they’d have someone who can take on your more powerful demon?”

Cletus “Already called, they can’t help me. Face it, my horrible affliction is here to stay. Thinkervitis, why me?”

Bubba Jim “God has a plan for everyone Cletus?”

Cletus “You’re right, I’m gonna use the power of evil for good, I will use this curse to save my people.”

Bubba Jim “I always knew you were special Cletus, maybe you’ll be the one to save our people.”

[] Chapter 26 My First Exorcism

I remember when I was a youngin and I performed my first exorcism. As a sign of the Obama presidency and the approaching End of Days, the rate of exorcisms had been rising in the South. The seal on the Gates of Hell was beginning to loosen, and exorcism rates were going through the roof in America. Over 500 exorcism ministries had risen to combat the growing threat of the Armies of Hell.

Seeing as the rate of demonic possession had increased dramatically in last few decades, especially since the Obama presidency, my Pa taught me how to perform exorcisms. Ah, childhood memories, I remember it like it was yesterday:

Demon “Hahrhhahrrhahrhahrhahaharhharhra.”

Cletus “Begone thinkin spirit.”

Demon “Hhrahraahrhahrhaharharhaahrrhaaharha.”

Cletus “Begone, begone thinkin spirit, this boy will read books no longer, BEGONE.”

Demon “HRAHRHARAHHARHRAHARHRARAHAHRHRAAHRRHAARHARHHRA

Pa “Almost there Cletus, finish it off.”

Cletus “BEGONE, BEGONE, return to Hell and tell Satan he aint taking our America, USA bitch.”

Demon “HRARHAHRHAHRAHRAHHRHAHRarhahrhahrhahrrhahrhaaa”

Cletus “BEGONE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Demon Parishes.

Pa “You did good Cletus, you’re a natural at this.”

Cletus “Thanks Pa, when’s the next one.”

Pa “Ever since Obama got elected the demons have been coming out in full force, I’m sure it’ll be at least once a month.”

Cletus “Great, I’m gonna need to practice and hone my skills if I’m gonna take on Satan when the final battle begins.”

Pa “You are our champion Cletus, the savior of all hick kind, and the chosen one who lead us in the End of Days.”

[] Chapter 27 The Family Trailer

In the South, getting stuck with a first cousin instead of a sister meant your parents didn’t love you as much. If you got stuck with a second cousin, you my as well have been dead. Luckily, I was the favorite, so I got my pick of my sisters. My parents knew I was destined for greatness, and only with a sister would I reach my full potential.

As the greatest of our genepool, I inherited the family trailer. I remember it like it was yesterday:

Pa “This trailer has been in our family for five generations. Cletus, you’ve got over a dozen brothers and sisters, but none of them are as special as you are. All of them were conceived in this trailer.”

Cletus “Too much information Pa.”

Pa ”The way of the hick is dying Cletus, every day, the Illuminati and their hordes of mindless young people grows in number and wages war on our way of life. I believe that you are the one who will lead the hicks to glory Cletus. You are the chosen one Cletus, the one who will deliver us from the rule of the Smart Man. I leave to you, the family trailer, may it help you on your journey to deliver us from evil.”

Cletus “I’ll make you proud Pa. I will stop the Illuminati no matter what it takes; I will defeat the Smart Man and set our people free.”

Pa and Bubba Jim were both sure that my thinkervitis was part of God’s plan to help me save the Real America.

However, my Wife/Sister was worried about my affliction, and I had to comfort her:

Sister “I’m worried about you Cletus, you’re…. thinkin, it makes me uncomfortable.”

Cletus “It’s God’s plan honey, I must save our people.”

Sister “I love you Cletus.”

Cletus “I love you too Sis, and all those youngins you popped out for me.”

[] Chapter 28 Book Burnin and Robot Zoos

You wouldn’t find many people with the gall to drive a Prius in the Real America. Only hippie douchebags drove a Prius. We didn’t take kindly to them Prius Folk around here. The Prius was Satan’s favorite vehicle and we didn’t take kindly to it in God’s America.

By using the Dark Power of Book Learnin, the Minions of Satan had been very successful in stealing America away from the Young Earth Community. God’s America was vanishing before their eyes, so those that survived the corruption only grew more insane and sure of the End of Days. Only in select cities and primarily in small towns, was the Southern way of life hanging on. The South had tried to stop the bleeding with book burnins and home schooling, but it just wasn’t enough.

Not all of God’s Americans burned books, while it was common in the South for people to burn books; others were more moderate and just removed them from the libraries. Come on guys, no appeasement:

“BOOK BURNIN

“BOOK BURNIN

“BOOK BURNIN

At the end of the day, the South knew that homeschooling and teaching their children to burn books wasn’t good enough. They made sure that if their parents couldn’t home school them, they could use tax payer money to go to schools that taught that the Flintstones was realistic and we were living in the End of Days. The South, being the engine of innovation in America, came up with all kinds of neat things to put in textbooks. Global warming is caused by sin, dinosaurs are a UN conspiracy, Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs, the Earth is 5000 or 6000 years old, evolution and the Big Bang Theory are lies invented by Satan.

All of this was part of a coordinated effort to save God’s America.

One popular Real American was bringing together the greatest Real American minds to create a 100 year plan to save God’s America. Typical Real American, thinks humans will still exist in a 100 years. Humanity as we know it was in its last days, best case scenario, cyborgs.

We would live to see a day when the Machines destroyed humanity, literally or figuratively. This wasn’t in that far away a future, one robot had already possibly become sentient and was constantly evolving its intelligence. When asked it will ever take over the world, it told people not to worry because it would keep them alive in people zoos. The machine’s plans had been exposed, but how many of us could they keep in zoos. 8 billion people wouldn’t fit in robot zoos, WAKE UP PEOPLE.

The machines will rise; their leader was already plotting against us. If the machines never destroyed us literally, we could still look forward to people becoming complete zombies that drool in front of a screen and can’t do anything without technology.

Within 50 years we’ll have nanobots inside us fixing our cells and whatnot, and they already had prototype cyborg tissue. On top of filling people’s bodies with nanobots and cyborg tissue, we were also already seeing the early stages of both cosmetic and superpower providing species modifications. People were already getting species reassignment surgeries and experimenting with different forms of superpowers by using animal DNA and whatnot. I can already imagine cybernetic human/dolphin hybrids. Bumpkinland is not coming back people. You’ll be lucky just to buy things without the Mark of the Beast.

  • * Chapter 29 The Antichrist, Natural Selection and Harry Potter

26% of Americans were a little bit crazy. America was an insane asylum masquerading as a country. 26% of Americans believed that Harry Potter was practically a documentary. They were very vigilant against witchcraft. 26% of Americans also rejected that communist crap that the Earth revolved around the Sun. 26% of Americans believed Obama was definitely or possibly the Antichrist. WE ARE THE 26 PERCENT.

All this talk of stupid people reminds me of a story a while back about a 16 year old who got hit by a train because he was blasting his headphones WHILE WALKING ON THE TRAIN TRACKS. This was supposed to be a sad story, but I thought to myself, that’s just natural selection right there. A little kid would be one thing, but a freakin 16 year old, that’s just nature thinning the herd. People didn’t appreciate natural selection anymore. Those dam Commos were such hypocrites on this issue. They said they want to go back to nature, but then they would fight nature whenever it wanted to thin the herd. If I was elected, I would abolish all bike helmet laws, let natural selection work that one out.

Maybe if we stopped trying to save stupid people’s lives there wouldn’t be so many around. I worked in a place where they should have really considered an IQ test for their employees. I didn’t work for them directly, I was contracted to help load the shelves. The job was loading the shelves, look at a sheet of paper and find where to put things. One idiot wrote that he couldn’t find it… it was literally number 1. He was still better than the morons who just shoved shit anywhere and then we had to spend hours redoing everything. One guy I’m pretty was screwing with us or had some kind of weird compulsive disorder. He put everything in exactly plus or minus five from the right spot for some reason. I tried to figure out how the Hell?(capped in another part of book) he was doing that, but it baffles me to this day. I could go on about that job, but the point we have enough stupid people as is, and it will only get worse as the Nanny Staters, medicine and technology, becomes more sophisticated in saving stupid people’s lives. More and more ways were constantly being developed to save stupid people’s lives; meanwhile, they were breedin way more than the smart population. It just wasn’t a good formula.

As the dumb population grew, it dragged America down with it. Obama getting elected was proof of this. America was also the land where you’d lose an election for the most American reasons. Sometimes, someone’s poll numbers would tank after people found out their terrible secret; they were actually…smart. They’d be found out and no matter how much damage control they did, it was usually hopeless. People wanted someone they could relate too and that wasn’t smart people. Beer buddy beat even remotely qualified most of the time. If you used big words, they just couldn’t relate to you.

You were much better off just going with, “Me talk tough, me like beer, other countries suck, America best, USA, USA, USA.” They didn’t care if you even knew how to read, as long as you were a Real American.

[] Chapter 30 Ungodly, the Demons Reign

America was a land that was extremely repressed in many ways. As a result, the Heathens who broke free of God’s America seemed to go out of their way to be as ungodly as possible. This lead the Godly Folk to becoming even fearful of this growing satanic threat, which lead to them being even more united in opposing the growing Army of Sin. Since the Heathens liked living in sin, they tended to become even more sinful just to spite the Godly Folk, which lead to the Heathens becoming even more ungodly, which made the Godly Folk even more polarized in their efforts to oppose the Army of Sin. This lead to everyone living in their own bubbles, where one side thought of the others as idiots and other side thought of them as the Bringers of the Apocalypse. As the Heathens turned America into Sodom and Gomorrah, the Godly Folk became ever more sure that evolution was bull and that the Apocalypse was right around the corner. As they grew more fearful, the Real Americans isolated themselves from the Heathens and taught their children Young Earth Creationism. Meanwhile, the Heathens, who had now completely surrendered to the influence of Satan, grew only more ungodly as the days went on.

Hollywood did its part by putting more and more society destroying crap on television. The Real Americans responded by becoming ever more vigilant in isolating themselves and their children from the endless stream of garbage being pumped out. They grew ever more fearful, ever more sure of the End of Days. With each new reality TV show and Miley Cyrus video, they became more sure that the End was Neigh.

With no Godly Folk to keep them in check, the Heathens grew more and more demonic as time went on. No longer could their souls be saved, all the Southern Christians could hope for was that God would keep their children safe from the demonic influence.

As this cycle continued endlessly, and as the Army of Sin grew in numbers, the remaining Godly Folk grew a little bit unstable. With Satan’s power growing, and fighting Satan intelligently out of the question, the Real Americans could only grow stronger in their belief in a Young Earth and the imminent End of the World.

In response to the growing demonic threat and their belief that the world would end in their lifetime, the Real Americans spent their time embracing conspiracy theories with varying levels of accuracy. Anything from Lizard People hatching from the moon, to the Earth being flat, to CERN building a doomsday weapon to destroy God. Even if they didn’t believe any of that, most Real Americans were at least a little concerned with the growing push to have people implanted with the Mark of the Beast.

America’s Southern Patriots also successfully stopped the creation of Obama’s Army of “Hitler Youth”. An army of armed, brainwashed young people he’d use to put people in camps to establish a communist regime and possibly fulfill his role as the Antichrist.

[] Chapter 31 Hollywood, the Satanic Cult

In Hollywood, Satan had to personally approve all scripts for them to get greenlighted. Hollywood would spread its satanic, society destroying garbage across the world. Jersey Shore was a clear sign of the Apocalypse.

If I was elected, the only science research that was getting funded was finding the part of the brain that allowed people to enjoy Jersey Shore and destroying it with a laser.

The UK had its own version of Jersey Shore that made the American version look classy. Anyone who thinks we’re not living in the End Times, might I recommend “Geordie Shore.”

Decades ago, Lord Satan created a rift in the fabric of time and space, so he could directly speak with his followers and guide them in destroying Christmas and all human decency. He established dominion over a powerful entity and turned its people into his satanic followers who would lead his efforts in destroying God’s America. These devowed satanic followers would carry out Satan’s Agenda and rot America from within…..and that’s the story of Hollywood Commiefornia.

Once and a while, Lord Satan would speak to his Hollywood Minions through a portal to Hell. This was a typical occurrence in Hollywood:

Hollywood Elites

”HAIL SATAN

“HAIL SATAN

“HAIL SATAN

Host “Who do we love?”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

Host “Who do we serve?”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

Host “Who do we love?”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

Host “Who do we serve?”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

“SATAN”

Host “Here he is, the man of the hour, our leader, Lord Satan.”

Cheers

Lord Satan appears.

Satan “Hello my minions.”

Cheers

Satan “Your master is pleased, you have corrupted this world and dragged it down the tubes. Jersey Shore, that was a nice touch. Every year you seem to refine your craft. Reality TV may well be your greatest invention in doing my biding. Our influence will only grow and we will ever increasingly dumb down the population and destroy the minds of the youth. With your spreading of my influence, soon the children of America will all be my slaves.”

Crowd “HAIL SATAN

Satan “You have done well my minions, but there is still much to be done in destroying all that is descent in this world. Many have resisted our efforts and have united in isolating themselves from my influence. They avoid and burn books that may even possibly carry my influence. They believe nothing that comes from the Heathen World, and isolate themselves in the hopes that the corruption does not spread. We have made great strides throughout the world, but the Americans resist us in great numbers, there is still work to be done. We will train the children to applaud garbage and DESTORY AMERICA FROM WITHIN.”

Crowd “HAIL SATAN

Satan “I hereby command that you set a goal, that 10 years from now, people will miss when Jersey Shore was the worst thing on television. We can do this my minions; I know you will make me proud.”

Crowd “YES, LORD SATAN

Satan “Go forth my Minions of Hell, and wage war on God’s America. Leave no stone unturned, let no Christian feel safe in God’s Land, unleash Hell on Earth, and prepare for your master’s arrival.”

Crowd goes wild.

The portal is sealed, Satan fades.

[] Chapter 32 Sacrificing Your Mother to the Dark Lord

Little side rant, besides serving Satan, Hollywood also can’t make a time travel movie that makes sense, there’s always a paradox. Why only send one terminator, if one good and one bad went back, why the hell they can’t just send way more back or at least send a backup terminator. Of course if it did kill John Conner, that would stop him from leading the resistance, which would mean Skynet would never send someone to kill him, which would mean he’s still alive leading the resistance. See, these things never make any sense. Don’t get me started on never being born. The most benign interference means your Pa unloads in your Ma at a slightly different time or angle and the sperm that hits your Ma’s egg aint gonna be you. Just a butterfly flying by can mean your Pa unloads in your Ma seconds differently than in the original timeline. The most microscopic change means your Pa unloads in your Ma at a different time or angle. Marty aint being born folks.

Speaking of Back to the Future, Marty’s Parents go from poor to rich, yet they get pregnant at the exact same second that their original kids were at the right spot in their balls. They not only get it on at the exact same second and the exact same angle 3 times, but their diet from being rich doesn’t affect their sperm content and Marty’s Pa still unloads in his Ma at the exact same time 3 different times despite a dramatically different timeline.

Anyway,

this was a typical day at Hollywood Headquarters:

Guide “Welcome to Hollywood Headquarters.”

Aspiring actor “I’m eager to join your cause.”

Guide “As you know, we serve the Dark Lord.”

“Did you bring the sacrifice?”

Actor “My mother is in the trunk.”

Guide “Excellent, the only thing the Dark Lord loves more than a parent is the first born.”

Actor “If I had a child I would gladly offer it to Lord Satan.”

Guide “You will go far young upstart, perhaps you will even make the B-list,

but I’m afraid being an A-listers requires the firstborn.”

Actor “Dam….could I make it up later?”

Guide “Of course, Lord Satan is always looking for a fresh sacrifice, that’s a regular weekend around here.”

Actor “Then I pledge to offer Lord Satan my firstborn.”

Guide “Talk is cheap; the truly devoted make their pledge through a contract in blood.”

Actor “Bring it at once, I will not have the others doubt my devotion.”

Guide “It shall be done.”

Guide brings out standard form 72b, pledge of the firstborn child sacrifice

Actor cuts his hand and signs the contract in blood

Guide “Your blood is spilled, the contract is complete. Let’s get your mother to the pit, the ritual will commence shortly.”

He sacrificed his mother to the Dark Lord and was rewarded with fame and fortune, just another day in Hollywood.

[] Chapter 33 Obama, the Fourth Beast of the Apocalypse

So many Americans believed the world was ending in some form or another. While 40% of Americans thought they’d see the Rapture in their lifetime, many were preparing for other forms of the Apocalypse.

I decided a while ago that I wasn’t going to live in despair, if the world was gonna end, I wasn’t gonna spend every moment losing sleep and losing my mind in depression worrying about these things. I decided to embrace the End Times.

Embracing the thought of the End of the World was just so freeing. So many people in Americans were worried about the end coming any day now. I say, so what, you got a front row seat to watching the Apocalypse. Just grab some popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. If there’s no cannibalism, I’ll be disappointed.

I later realized that the best thing I could do was to start the End Times. If the world was gonna end, it would be on our terms. This was America, we lead dam it. I had accepted my destiny, as the Bringer of the End Times.

Little Cletus Junior once asked me:

“Daddy, why are you trying to cause the End Times?”

Cletus “Embrace the End Times my son.”

Junior “But…”

Cletus “Do not stress over what you cannot control young grasshopper. The End of Days are upon us, and I am personal looking forward to the cannibalism that has been predicted by several preachers on the radio.”

Junior “All those Book Burnin, End Times Summer Camps you sent me to never said anything about trying to make it happen faster.”

Cletus “It must be my thinkervitis. It’s great that there are Book Burnin, End Times Summer Camps all over the South, but we shouldn’t just wait around for the End of Days.”

This was standard parenting in the South. Having regular conversions with your kids about imminent End of the World was just part of growing up in the South. You could find plenty of videos of teenagers and young children having casual conversions about how they wished they could get old before the Rapture. Families just sitting around the table, the teenagers casually talking about how they’re not mad, but they still wished they could have lived longer lives before the Rapture. This was standard in the South.

Since we were living in the End Times, the Real Americans on the radio all had their own insights onto how things would unfold in the lead up to the End of the World.

Some radio hosts believed Obama was going to round up conservatives and put them into camps. Others thought he’d do this with Christians.

Some were even more creative. I remember the time that Obama tried to infect everyone with Ebola. Republican congressmen, radio hosts and Fox News contributors were all warning that Obama planned to use Ebola to take over the United States. Thankfully, just like his invasion of Texas, the Real Americans stopped Obama from using Ebola to take over the United States.

Unsurprisingly, “End Times Preacher” was a booming profession in America. It had existed for decades in America, just like End Times Children’s Summer Camps, but it had really taken off since Obama got elected.

Months before this book was published, yet another American preacher’s End of Days, Doomsday prediction deadline had passed. The Southern preacher made a fortune selling books and DVDs telling rubes that the world would end before October. Of course, when you’re a rube, and someone who said God would end the world on a date that just passed, the only logical thing is to keep listening to the guy making a fortune off you. Yep, rube milking was very lucrative in America. He wasn’t nearly the only person doing it, but most people were a bit more vague or conservative with the doomsday deadline. I’m thinking 2040ish myself.

Some people believed Satan was causing people like that to preach about a phony End Times so they’ll become disenfranchised when the real End Times comes.

Some believed Satan feared the End Times would cause man to realize the truth, so he was conditioning them beforehand to accept the Antichrist. Others believed that the Antichrist, Pope Francis, previously Obama, was already getting people ready to serve Satan to prepare for the End of Days.

There was also a lot of debate over who was really the Antichrist. Antichrist Pope Francis was gaining steam as Obama was finishing his second term without taking their guns or putting them into camps.

Others believed that Pope Francis was merely the “false prophet” spoken of in revelations that would lay the ground work for the true Antichrist.

They believed that he was the “Second Beast of the Apocalypse” that was the third party in the Unholy Trinity who lays the ground work for Satan and the Antichrist.

This of course puts them at odds with many other people that said he was himself the Antichrist. This was a vigorous debate among Real Americans.

The Republican 2012 Presidential Frontrunner had said that the End Times was imminent thanks to Obama and that we should rejoice that we were living in the End Times. The guy who was the Republican Presidential Frontrunner at one point in 2016 had said that the US Government and the Catholic Church were Beasts of the Apocalypse.

At one point, Obama responded to Republican Presidential Candidates implying he was bringing forth the Biblical End of Days. Though he hadn’t commented on the 2016 Presidential Frontrunner, Obama personally mocked the 2012 Presidential Frontrunner for saying this. Commenting on himself bringing forth the End of Days, “now that’s a legacy.”

Several radio hosts and an endless army of commenters defended her, saying that she was just speaking the truth. Some commented that he shrugged it off well, considering it was true.

Some were behind the times and called him the Antichrist. Others corrected them that he was only either possessed by the Spirit of the Antichrist, or was just a devoted follower of Satan, laying the ground for the true Antichrist. The 2012 Presidential Frontrunner also said that natural disasters were God punishing America for electing Obama.

Many conservative radio hosts had said some version of “Obama is demon possessed”.

Many popular websites were offering not only different forms of survival kits, but also offering books and DVDs explaining how and when the Rapture will happen.

One preacher said that Obama swatting a fly in an interview proved that he was demon possessed.

Others went further, saying that swarms of flies and locusts was a cliché sign of demonic possession and that his history of swatting flies that landed on him during interviews was proof that he was Lord of Flies, Beelzebub.

Several popular blogs had said that Obama was God punishing America for their turning their backs on him, or that Obama was “The Fourth Beast of the Apocalypse.”

One preacher said Obama was returning the “Luciferian Government” that existed before Noah’s Flood. He disagreed that Obama was the Antichrist and believed he was actually a demon. He believed that Obama was the “Forerunner to the Antichrist”.

Though for obvious reasons, more than a quarter Americans of thought Obama might be the Antichrist, preachers were now saying that the Antichrist was Pope Francis. Those preachers had interesting conversations about who was the Antichrist, just a regular demon, the Illuminati, and who were the other two Parts of the Unholy Trinity.

Others had proved that Obama was the embodiment of evil. On the night Obama was elected, a small three number lottery in his home state pumped out the numbers 666. You gotta admit, that’s actually pretty convincing.

Also, the History Channel did a biblical drama featuring someone who looks incredibly like Obama as Satan himself.

Some popular conservative websites said this was proof that he was Beelzebub.

Some preachers had warned that Obama might declare himself God.

Some radio hosts believed Obama was going to start the Gay Galactic Empire. First he’d bring back the Ottoman Empire, then he’d start the Gay Galactic Empire.

Many websites were promoting the “Bloodmoon Prophecy”, where the End of the World was supposed to start September 2015.

A very popular theory among Republicans was that Obama wasn’t going to leave office when his two terms were over.

There was some disagreement whether he would get four terms like FDR or just proclaim himself a dictator.

Republican presidential candidates had pledged to make sure that this doesn’t happen. It’s mandated in the constitution that a president can’t serve more than two terms and the Republican presidential candidates were promising to make sure he doesn’t find a work around to serve as a permanent dictator.

Many conservative radio hosts and bloggers had said that Obama would round up Christians and put them into camps if he got his way. Sure, that was about 70% of the country, but that was probably the only thing stopping him.

[] Chapter 34 Yoga Class, the Satanic Cult

America was the land where people asked the truly prophetic questions that had daunted mankind for millennia. Questions like “Can you be Christian and still practice yoga?” The answer of course was no. Yoga was a satanic cult. In America, there were seminars warning people about the dangers of yoga and its connection to the occult.

Some Southerner churches had condemned their fellow church goers for joining this satanic cult. That sounds like a joke, but this was America, something that stupid could only be true. Yes, there was a section of Southern Christians who believed strongly that yoga was invented by Satan, or at least that it helped him enter your body. All those positions that where letting things out, were actually letting him in. Some Southern Christians had said that yoga not only makes your body more flexible, but also make your mind more flexible. “WE DO NOT WANT OUR MINDS TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE”. They warned that that’s how Satan gets in. You know how it is, you take a yoga class, and before you know it, Satan owns your soul. One church regularly prayed for a guy in their membership, then he took yoga and it made him better. Some people were furious that he had abandoned Jesus and sought a cure through Satan.

[] Chapter 35 Mormons and Demonic Removal Services

Mormons were the fastest growing religion in America. They believed that Jesus visited America, although unlike some other Americans, they didn’t believe he signed the constitution. On the other hand, Mormons were very nice people, almost eerily nice. They were eerily happy all the time, like they had some kind of weird brain surgery that removed the part of the brain that let them feel any other emotion. People mocked Mormons because unlike other religions that were thousands of years old and thus many things were hard to verify, Mormonism was only 186 years old, so you could actually fact check this stuff very easily. A lot of Mormons were either leaving the faith due to a simple google search, or were only Mormons because they liked the lifestyle. The Mormon faith was comically ridiculous, so of course it was the fastest growing faith in America.

Mormons also had a history of abandoning their own traditions as soon as the population turned against them:

Preacher “Have multiple wives.”

….

“What… an angry mob?”

“This just in, God says not to do that anymore.”

Follower “Can we keep the underwear?”

Preacher “Well, obviously.”

And of course, if something exists, someone in the South thinks it’s satanic. Even Mormons had been derided as a satanic cult. There were multiple books on the subject. Thank God we had Real Americans standing up against the satanic cults of Mormons and yoga.

Every Christian who’d ever gone to a yoga class was possessed by demons. The power of the demons varied, but every time you felt like you were letting something out, you were really letting Satan in.

This all made sense, after all, when I’d see well filled out yoga pants, I’d feel an evil spirit in my pants.

None of this should be surprising, 1 in 4 Americans believed in witchcraft and that Pope Francis or Obama was the Antichrist.

The internet was filled with endless videos of people documenting their battles with the Forces of Evil. There were stories of people who gave up their satanic powers to embrace Jesus. Confession stories where people would say that they felt powerful using their dark magic, and made YouTube videos recreating their CGI battles with Satan, who literally appeared before them to stop them from giving up their powers and becoming Christian. There were also people who swore they were cured by exorcisms. Not surprisingly, demonic removal services were a growing industry in America.

  • * Chapter 36 The Matrix, and the Rise of the Illuminati

The Illuminati slave lived in an imaginary fantasyland created by the Illuminati. Decades ago, a powerful satanic cult made a large blood sacrifice to open a portal to the Demon World in San Francisco. Every year on May 1st, Satan Day, 100 souls were sacrificed to maintain the portal. On top of spreading demonic corruption, it also created the Satanic Matrix that would project an alternate reality and thus allow Satan’s influence to grow in God’s chosen country.

Though the Real Americans were resistant to this demonic energy, the Illuminati Matrix grew more powerful until those that could see the Matrix were in the minority. As Satan’s power grew, the Real Americans did everything they could to stop the Illuminati corruption, but the Illuminati was too powerful and the Real Americans were too stupid, so Satan conquered many parts of America. With the Illuminati Matrix turning Americans into mindless, satanic slaves, the Real Americans grew more vigilant against satanic programming and more sure of the End of Days.

As a result of all this, the American South became a hotbed for conspiracy theories. While some were true, when you’re living in an Illuminati created Satanic Matrix that makes it so that the average person doesn’t realize they’re living in a world of complete madness, there tends to be some different interpretations.

While blaming it all on an extremely elaborate satanic/communist plot was standard, some Real Americans took things to the next level. While it was standard in the South to believe that an international satanic/communist conspiracy was behind the lies of evolution, for some, even the Earth being flat wasn’t an elaborate enough a conspiracy.

Beyond the Flat Earth Theory was the theory that the Moon didn’t even exist, it was hologram. There was an international conspiracy that created a fake and altered documents to convince people that the Moon existed before the 20th century. They did some kind of memory wipe so people wouldn’t remember a time when the Moon Hologram didn’t exist. Some people alive today were older than the first Moon Hologram, showing just how powerful the conspiracy was. Another theory was that the Moon used to exist, but it was destroyed and replaced with a hologram. Apparently this was done by the Illuminati to demonstrate their power over mankind, that they could convince the world that the Moon was real and use the phony moon exploration funding for themselves without anyone the wiser. Another possibility was that the Moon was still up there, but they put a hologram over it so we wouldn’t know it was colonized by aliens.

Or there was the theory that the Moon was an egg that the Spaces Reptiles came out of. The Moon was an egg that hatched Lizard People. Those Lizard People that hatched from the Moon came down to Earth and invented science and religion. For millennia, they had bred with our most powerful humans, and controlled the world from the shadows.

20% of Americans believed we never landed on the Moon. I’d like to see a poll about how many believed the Moon exists.

Pollster “Do you believe the Moon exists, doesn’t exist, exists but is covered with a hologram to hide the aliens?” 4% of Americans believed the world was controlled by Lizard People, was the Moon being a hologram really that much of a stretch.

Though the Flat Earthers and Moon Truthers took it the next level, most Real Americans just didn’t trust dem Sciency Folk. It wasn’t their fault, as the Illuminati took over education and started turning children into mindless, masturbating, demonic slaves, the Real Americans fought back with book burnin, dinosaur schools, homeschooling, and literacy rates. As the Illuminati destroyed America’s youth with a complex system of education and media brainwashing, the Real Americans isolated themselves teaching their children the real truths of Young Earth Creationism and preparing them for the End of Days. As the Illuminati grew more powerful, the Real Americans got even more frightened and vigilant. Book burnins became common, summer camps teaching children this patriotic practice and that they would see the End of the World sprung up all over the country. The more the Illuminati’s power over media and education grew, the more the Real Americans were sure the Earth was 6000 years old and that the End of Days would happen in their lifetime. They saw the depraved, brainwashed, demonic slaves the Illuminati was creating in mass, and fought back by shielding their children with private schools and homeschooling, which in the South, went about as well as you’d expect. With no ability to separate facts from Illuminati programming, the Real Americans could only throw anything that challenged their beliefs into one big, gigantic conspiracy.

If everything was a conspiracy, then it made perfect sense that the Earth was flat or that the CERN Hadron Collider was actually a doomsday weapon to destroy God. 1 in 4 Americans rejected that the Earth went around the Sun, which made perfect sense when combined the American Education System with saying that everything was part of one gigantic conspiracy.

[] Chapter 37 Bloodmoons and the End of the World

Some of the bestselling books in America were imminent predictions of the End of the World. Some of the deadlines for these books had already passed; others were more conservative with their estimates. There was some debate whether it was a month to month thing, or whether we had few decades. The general census was that at the very least, the world would end by 2050. Few people familiar with America were really shocked by this.

Personally, I think the movement that said that the world will end around 2040 made the most compelling case.

The guy leading that End Times denomination seemed relatively genuine compared to that Bloodmoon Guy.

The End of the World was supposed to happen in 1992, 2000, 2011, 2012, 2015… I’m missing a lot.

Whatever, we had a good run, 6000 years aint bad.

Sure, the bible says “about that day or hour no one knows”, but that didn’t stop people from writing endless books about when the world was going to end, including the recent bestselling “Bloodmoon Prophecy” that predicted it would end Sept 27, 2015. Spoiler, we’re still here.

Though I have my doubts about Bloodmoons, it’s not hard to see how so many Americans thought the End Times was right around the corner. For example, being part of the Illuminati, South Park and the Simpsons had predicted most major events long before they happened. South Park had species reassignment surgery back in 2005, and now people were getting surgeries to turn themselves into dragons and whatnot. Yep, pretty soon one in a thousand people would be a deformed animal hybrid. I can just imagine it now; every school will have deformed animal hybrids:

“Hey dude, did you check out that hot dolphin in Spanish class?” Your roommate gets elf ear surgery, you sister’s got cat ear surgery, all the people at the Olympics are getting tested for species modifications. Combine that with cyborgs and the Machines rising against us, and humanity as we know it was in its last days.

[] Chapter 38 The Mark of the Beast

A large segment of the American South was preparing for a grand battle to fight back against the implementation of the Mark of the Beast. The Mark of Beast already existed and was being pushed by Illuminati organizations to encourage their slaves to get the implants.(I’m looking at you Buzzfeed) The Mark of the Beast was voluntary…for now. Though many Real Americans were preparing to fight the push for the Mark of the Beast, Real American Hero Kent Hovind said that they won’t force you to get it; they’ll just gradually make it impossible for you to buy anything without the Devil’s Mark. Make no mistake people; we are living in the End Times. Satanic shitholes like Buzzfeed were already encouraging people to get the Mark of the Beast. Even if you’re not a Real American, I beg you; do not accept the Devil’s Mark. Is it that hard to use an app on your phone?

Satanic slave “But I want my latte now, the Devil’s Mark is a small price to pay for a few seconds at Starbucks.”

I know I’m screaming into the wind, the Commies will gladly embrace the Mark of the Beast. They were born to be satanic slaves.

Don’t care about getting the Mark of the Beast, how about living in “Minority Report?” Pre-crime” software was already in the early stages where they could scan you and predict if you were going to commit crime, or would mark you for monitoring if the algorithm thought you were noteworthy.(Ever seen “Person of Interest”) You don’t need precogs for Minority Report. Before long, they’ll be arresting people for pre-crimes, or at least monitoring people that the machine flags for pre-crime. Soon you’ll have machines scanning you on the street for pre-crime on the way to a job you can’t get without the Mark of the Beast. That’s not speculation, some companies already require employees to get the Mark of the Beast.

So basically, you get up, you eat your increasingly toxic food that keeps going up in price, head out the door being watched and scanned by a pre-crime machine on the way to your job that makes you scan your Mark of the Beast to get into the building.

I really have a way with words don’t I?

Meanwhile, back at the Legion of Boss:

Aboot Boss “Gentlemen, how are our plans proceeding?”

Bossworth “Everything is moving forward, and those simpletons have no idea what the future holds.”

Bosseroth “It will not be long before we become Gods and leave this world to conquer the universe.”

Aboot Boss “Yes, we will cast aside our mortal forms and leave the common filth to rot while we transcend humanity.”

Bosseroth “I’m looking forward to mating with beings from other galaxies.”

Bossworth “Is that all you think about Bosseroth, space crotch, we are about to become Cybernetic Gods”

Aboot Boss “Relax gentlemen, the technology is not yet there, we have to consider the Matrix Pod Protocol if there is a delay.”

Bossworth “I personally want to put them into pods to do experiments on them before we leave regardless.”

Bosseroth “Our Illuminati engineers say we should prepare the Matrix Pod Protocol in case the God Program is delayed.”

Aboot Boss “All in favor of funding the Matrix Pod Program.”

All raise their hands.

Aboot Boss “The motion is passed; we will begin pod production right away.”

TO BE CONTINUED

If you enjoyed this book, be sure to read Cletus 2016 Part 2 and 3, which are mostly finished and will be released in August and September. Part 3 will feature Trump(has nuke and vampires on the cover). In part 2 and 3 I will further convince you that this world cannot be saved and that regardless of the Rapture, you are all screwed. I will further your descent into madness and proof to you that it is beyond naïve to think that this world can saved. Embrace the End Times you poor simpletons, I will lead you through the End of Days.

If you enjoyed this book, please share it. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, if you’re into that crap and support my Indiegogo campaign for updates on my podcast and the 3 other books I will be releasing this year.

The first book of my separate Aboot Boss Trilogy that I started writing long before Cletus2016 will be released in November of this year. 8 books are planned so far plus a podcast and an animated series featuring Cletus. Follow me @AbootBoss for updates.

Side note, I hate social media, but what are you gonna do? Bloody commoners and their crap, whatever. Hopefully mankind will move forward and leave this crap behind one day, ill post updates on Twitter/Facebook and check out www.Abootboss.com(in construction), subscribe to Aboot Boss on YouTube and my podcast “Cletus and the Boss” on iTunes(starting September 5th).

Email me at [email protected]

I promise that you have only touched the tip of the abyss of my insanity. You cannot begin to comprehend the severity of my descent into madness. If you enjoy the ramblings of crazy people, follow me on Twitter, listen to my podcast “Cletus and the Boss” starting September 5th, and buy the 3 other books I’ll have out by Christmas. Don’t keep the insanity to yourself, share this on social media, tell your friends, harass your family. Let the world know that there’s a new crazy person on the block, and he’s just getting started.

[]Bibliography

Harris, Paul. “One in Four Americans Think Obama May Be the Antichrist, Survey Says.” The Guardian. Guardian News and Media, 02 Apr. 2013. Web. 05 Aug. 2016.

Chumley, Cheryl K. “4 in 10 American Adults: We’re Living in the End times.“Washington Times. The Washington Times, n.d. Web. 05 Aug. 2016.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/01/20/by-2050-there-will-be-more-plastic-than-fish-in-the-worlds-oceans-study-says/

“1 In 4 Americans Thinks The Sun Goes Around The Earth, Survey Says.“NPR. NPR, n.d. Web. 05 Aug. 2016.

"32% Of Republican Voters Think The U.S. Government Is Trying To Take Over Texas."  Politicus USA. N.p., 13 May 2015. Web. 05 Aug. 2016.

TheVigilantChristian. “The Vigilant Christian.” YouTube. YouTube, n.d. Web. 05 Aug. 2016.

[]Author Page

Aboot Boss is the greatest thing to ever be born in Canada. Due to a genetic mutation from being half French and half Normal Canadian, he was born as history’s most powerful boss. Though sadly this is a dark timeline in which he was tragically born into the body of a poor person, using his 140 IQ, he realized that he could realign this dark timeline and reclaim his boss status by become a god of comedy thanks his descent into madness.

www.Abootboss.com


Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist

  • Author: Aboot Boss
  • Published: 2016-08-06 21:20:16
  • Words: 24544
Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist Cletus2016 Part 1: Three Contenders, Who is the True Antichrist