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Best Jokes 2016 For Kids

 

Best Jokes 2016

For Kids

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Table of Contents

Table of +][+Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Animal Jokes

Chapter 2: Food Jokes

Chapter 3: School Jokes

Chapter 4: Occupational Jokes

Chapter 5: Sporty Jokes

Chapter 6: Family Jokes

Chapter 7: Knock Knock Jokes

Chapter 8: Short Story Jokes

Chapter 9: Brainteaser & One Liner Jokes

Chapter 10: Teacher Jokes

Chapter 11: Job Related Jokes

Chapter 12: Miscellaneous Jokes

Can I Ask You a Favor?

Get My Minecraft Book Right Now!

Copyright 2016 by Sara Wilson– All rights reserved.

Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly.

The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document.

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Introduction

Laughter is an instant vacation.[_ – Milton Berle -_]

If you want to spend a good time with your friends and family, then don’t look any longer; in this book you will find the best jokes that are hot right now on the internet.

I have put a lot of effort to compile a selection of fun jokes that are suitable for children as well. You will be able to spend a good time with your family (kids included) and with your friends without the hassle of searching for the “good” jokes. I have already done the hard work for you! :)

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.[_ – Josh Billings -_]

Here is a preview of what you will find inside:

  • * *

Question: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?

Answer: Fry-day!

  • * *

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why do fish live in salt water?

Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

  • * *

Pupil: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Teacher: “Of course not.”

Pupil: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”

  • * *

Question: What did the wall say to the other wall?

Answer: Meet you at the corner!

  • * *

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.[_ – Lord Byron -_]

Thanks for downloading this book! Have fun!! :)

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 1: Animal Jokes

[*Question: *]What do you call a pig that knows karate?

[*Answer: *]A pork chop!

  • * *

Question: How do you catch a squirrel?

Answer: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why are cats good at video games?

[*Answer: *]Because they have nine lives!

  • * *

Question: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

Answer: It gets toad away.

  • * *

Question: What do you call a famous fish?

Answer: A Starfish.

  • * *

Question: How do you make a goldfish age?

Answer: Take out the “g”

  • * *

Question: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?

Answer: Fry-day!

  • * *

Question: What is smarter than a talking cat?

Answer: A spelling bee!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What’s the first thing you say to a cat?

Answer: HELLO KITTY!

  • * *

Question: Why did the zebra cross the road?

Answer: He found a zebra crossing.

  • * *

Question: Why did the man ride the bull?

Answer: It was too heavy to carry.

  • * *

Question: Why did the sheep go to the movies?

Answer: To get some snaaahcks.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What kind of trick can a bunny do on a BMX bike?

[*Answer: *]A BUNNY HOP!

  • * *

Question: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

[*Answer: *]Tentacles.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why do fish live in salt water?

Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

  • * *

Question: Why don’t chickens play sports?

Answer: Because they hit fowl balls.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why can’t a leopard hide?

[*Answer: *]Because he’s always spotted!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you give a sick bird?

Answer: Tweetment!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What’s the best thing to do if an elephant sneezes?

Answer: Get out of its way!

  • * *

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts: “Help! Help me!” The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

  • * *

[*Question: *]What fish only swims at night?

Answer: A starfish!

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why are fish so smart?

[*Answer: *]Because they live in schools.

  • * *

Question: What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

[*Answer: *]A box of quackers.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Answer: Ruff!

  • * *

Question: What kind of key opens a banana?

[*Answer: *]A monkey!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What is black & white & black & white & black & white?

[*Answer: *]A penguin falling down the stairs!

  • * *

Question: Why is a fish easy to weigh?

Answer: Because it has its own scales!

  • * *

Question: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

[*Answer: *]A thesaurus.

  • * *

Question: Why did the duck cross the road?

[*Answer: *]To prove he was no chicken

  • * *

Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other:

“Have you heard about mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?”

To which to other replies: “Terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

  • * *

[*Question: *]What kind of fish can’t swim?

Answer: A dead one.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why do dogs run in circles?

Answer: Because it’s hard to run in squares!

  • * *

Question: A hen and her 4 chickens crossed the road. One of the kittens said, “Finally all 6 of us crossed the road!” Why did he say so? How did they become six?

Answer: He was just kidding.

  • * *

Question: What do cats call mice on skateboards?

Answer: Meals on Wheels.

  • * *

Question: What’s the worst thing about being an octopus?

[*Answer: *]Washing your hands before dinner.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you call a pig thief?

Answer: A ham burglar.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Would octopus make a good fast food?

[*Answer: *]You must be squidding!

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 2: Food Jokes

[*Question: *]Why was the tomato red?

Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.

  • * *

[*Question: *]How do you repair a broken tomato?

[*Answer: *]Tomato Paste!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the hamburger name his daughter?

Answer: Patty!

  • * *

At lunch time in the cafeteria, there was a pile of apples on a tray, and the teacher put a note: take only one, remember, God is watching.

A little bit further down the line there was a pile of cookies, and a child had put a note on it: take as many as you want, God is watching the apples.

  • * *

Question: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?

Answer: Because they cantaloupe.

  • * *

Question: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Answer: Nacho cheese!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the baby corn say to its mom?

[*Answer: *]Where’s my popcorn?

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why did the banana go to the Doctor?

[*Answer: *]Because it was not peeling well.

  • * *

“Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”

“That’s what they say,” said his Dad.

“Well, give me an apple, quick! I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you call a cow with no legs?

[*Answer: *]Ground beef.

  • * *

[*Question: *]How do you make an egg-roll?

[*Answer: *]You push it!

  • * *

Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

[*Answer: *]Elephino!

  • * *

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says: “Gosh, it’s hot in here.”

The other muffin screams: “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

  • * *

Question: Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing?

Answer: He was selling “quack”.

  • * *

Question: What do you call a cow with two legs?

Answer: Lean beef.

  • * *

Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?

Answer: Lipstick!

  • * *

Question: Why did the orange stop?

Answer: Because, it ran outta juice.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the grape say when he was pinched?

Answer: Nothing, he gave a little wine.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

Answer: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

  • * *

Question: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?

Answer: Keeps everyone away.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the apple say to the almond?

[*Answer: *]You’re Nuts!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you get when you cross a hamburger with a computer?

[*Answer: *]A big mac!

  • * *

[*Question: *]Where do burgers like to dance?

[*Answer: *]At a meat ball!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

[*Answer: *]Wasabi!

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why did the student eat his homework?

[*Answer: *]The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

  • * *

Question: What did the hungry computer eat?

[*Answer: *]Chips, one byte at a time.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich?

[*Answer: *]Launch meat.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why do you eat so fast?

[*Answer: *]I want to eat as much as possible before losing my appetite.

  • * *

Question: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Answer: Close the door, I’m dressing!

  • * *

[*Jack: *]Would you like some Egyptian Pie?

Jill: What’s Egyptian pie?

Jack: You know, the kind mummy used to make.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What starts with “t” ends with “t” and is filled with “t”?

Answer: A teapot.

  • * *

Question: Why did the man eat at the bank?

Answer: He wanted to eat rich food.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate too fast?

[*Answer: *]Stop goblin your food.

  • * *

[*Question: *]How does the man in the moon eat his food?

Answer: In satellite dishes.

  • * *

Question: Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?

[*Answer: *]It’s a lot of mush.

  • * *

Question: Why did the man climb to the roof of the fast food restaurant?

[*Answer: *]They told him the meal was on the house!

  • * *

[*Question: *]How are UFOs related to White Castle?

Answer: Both are Unidentified Flying Objects!

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 3: School Jokes

Question: How do you make seven an even number?

Answer: Take the “s” out!

  • * *

Question: What is a chalkboard’s favorite drink?

[*Answer: *]hot chalk-olate!

  • * *

Question: Why was the math book sad?

Answer: Because it had too many problems.

  • * *

Question: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?

Answer: SWAG

  • * *

Question: What did the triangle say to the circle?

[*Answer: *]You’re pointless!

  • * *

A student comes late to school. His teacher asked him: “Why were you late to school?”

[*Student: *]“My mom and dad were fighting.”

[*Teacher: *]“What does your parents’ fighting have to do with you being late for school?”

Student: “One of my shoes was in my mom’s hand and the other one was in dad’s hand.”

  • * *

Question: Where do pencils go on vacation?

[*Answer: *]Pennsylvania

  • * *

Question: What did the penny say to the other penny?

Answer: We make perfect cents.

  • * *

Question: Why is six afraid of seven?

Answer: Because seven ate nine.

  • * *

[*Teacher: *]What is the formula for water?

Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, and O

Teacher: That’s not what I taught you.

[*Student: *]But you said the formula for water was. H to O.

  • * *

Question: Why did the student throw his watch out of the school window?

[*Answer: *]He wanted to see time fly.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What’s another name for Santa’s elves?

Answer: Subordinate Clauses.

  • * *

Question: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?

[*Answer: *]Because she couldn’t control her pupils.

  • * *

Question: Name a bus you can never enter?

Answer: A syllabus.

  • * *

Question: What did the 0 say to the 8?

[*Answer: *]Nice belt!

  • * *

Son: “My math teacher is crazy. “

Mother: “Why?”

Son: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”

  • * *

[*Teacher: *]Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

(One boy throws his bag out the window.)

Teacher: Who just threw that?

[*Boy: *]Me, and I’m going home now.

  • * *

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.

Student: I is the.

[*Teacher: *]Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an “I”. Always put ‘am’ after an “I”.

[*Student: *]OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

  • * *

Mother: What did you learn in school today?

Son: How to write.

Mother: What did you write?

Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet!

  • * *

[*Teacher asked: *]Why are you late for school?

[*Johnny: *]Because of the Sign.

Teacher: What Sign?

[*Johnny : *]The sign that says “School ahead go slow”

  • * *

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My Father grows beans,” said one student.

“My father cooks beans,” said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”

  • * *

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

[*Teacher: *]“Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

[*Teacher: *]“Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I already have a cat!”

  • * *

Question: Why did the music teacher get locked out of the classroom?

Answer: He left his keys on the piano.

  • * *

Pupil: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Teacher: “Of course not.”

Pupil: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework.”

  • * *

As a first grade teacher, I often hear from my students about things going on in their family.

Little Harry’s mother was expecting, and naturally Harry was very excited about it. When one day Harry stopped talking about it I was concerned and questioned him why.

“Well”, Harry said, “My mother let me feel the baby moving in her stomach. I think she ate it!”

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 4: Occupational Jokes

Question: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Answer: Guardians of the Galaxy.

  • * *

Question: Who earns a living driving their customers away?

Answer: A taxi driver.

  • * *

Question: What did the judge say to the dentist?

Answer: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth & nothing but the tooth?

  • * *

Earlier today in court:

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

[*Me: *]I had it legally changed.

[*Judge: *]You’re Not Guilty?

Me: *moonwalks outta there*

  • * *

Sam walks into his boss’s office and says “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” asks the boss, “Which three companies are after you?”

“The electric company, water company, and phone company!”

  • * *

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

  • * *

The owner of a company tells his employees:

“You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I am giving everyone a check for $5,000.”

Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.

“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”

  • * *

Question: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Answer: “Give me my quarterback!”

  • * *

[*Question: *]What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?

[*Answer: *]The Space bar!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What’s the difference between Ms. and Mrs.?

Answer: Mr.

  • * *

Question: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Answer: (SUPPLIES!)

  • * *

[*Question: *]How do you find a Princess?

Answer: You follow the foot Prince.

  • * *

Somebody knocks on door:

- Who is there?

- Police.

- What do you want?

- We want to talk.

- How many of you are there?

- Two.

- So talk with each other.

  • * *

Cop: “Did you kill this man?”

Me: “No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed.”

  • * *

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

  • * *

Three drunken guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination.”

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you.” The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked, “What was that for?

The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

  • * *

[*Police: *]Where do you live?

[*Me: *]With my parents.

[*Police: *]Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

[*Police: *]Where do you all live?

[*Me: *]Together.

[*Police: *]Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor’s house.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

[*Me: *]You won’t believe me if I tell you.

[*Police: *]Tell me!

Me: Next to my house.

  • * *

Question: Why are pirates so mean?

[*Answer: *]I don’t know, they just arrrrrrrrr!

  • * *

Question: Where does a sheep go for a haircut?

[*Answer: *]To the baaaaa baaaaa shop!

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

[*Answer: *]A flat miner.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?

Answer: “Where’s my Tractor?!”

  • * *

Question: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

[*Answer: *]BREATHE!

  • * *

Sam was filling out an application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in for the column “Salary Expected”.

After much thought, he wrote: Yes!

  • * *

[*Sam told his servant: *]Go and water the plants.

Servant: it’s already raining.

[*Sam: *]So what? Take an umbrella and go.

  • * *

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.

If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me, why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 5: Sporty Jokes

[*Question: *]Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

Answer: In case they get a hole in one!

  • * *

Question: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?

Answer: They both depend on the batter.

  • * *

Question: What do you say when you lose a wii game?

Answer: I want a wii-match!

  • * *

Question: What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?

Answer: The fence.

  • * *

Question: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Answer: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What is a banana’s favorite gymnastic move?

Answer: The splits!

  • * *

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.

They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.

The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. “Hi, John.”

“Cliff, is it really you?”

“Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news.”

“Okay. What’s the good news?”

“There is baseball in heaven. The bad news is you’re pitching tomorrow night.”

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?

Answer: Because she’s always running away from the ball.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why can male elephants swim whenever they want?

Answer: They always have trunks with them!

  • * *

Question: What race is never run?

[*Answer: *]A swimming race.

  • * *

Question: Why don’t matches play baseball?

[*Answer: *]One strike and they’re out!

  • * *

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

  • * *

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. All of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares them. They drop their guns and run. One of the hunters stops, opens up his backpack and laces up a pair of running shoes.

His buddy looks at him and says, “What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can’t outrun the bear!” To this the hunter says, “I know, all I have to do is outrun you!”

  • * *

Michael Johnson, the Olympic gold medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said: “Sorry, man, you can’t come in here. No denim.”

Michael was quite annoyed at this, and retorted: “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Michael Johnson.”

“Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

  • * *

Bill Gates decided to hold a contest to find a lawyer. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world. “Gentlemen,” Gates starts, “please follow me.”

He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones. Gates says, “Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings.”

Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.” “Bravo!” shouts Gates. “You have proven to me how much you want my business.”

“Actually, I want just one thing.” Carl gasps.

“What’s that?”

“The name of the person that pushed me in.”

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?

[*Answer: *]So he could tie the score.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Who is the fastest runner of all time?

Answer: Adam, because he came first in the human race!

  • * *

Question: If runners get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?

Answer: Mistletoe.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Where do zombies like to go swimming?

Answer: The Dead Sea.

  • * *

[*Question: *]How do you know if your swimming pool needs cleaning?

[*Answer: *]Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 6: Family Jokes

“Yes brother,” says Paddy.

“Well, I’m going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I’m away, I want you, dear brother, to name the kids,” says Mick.

“It’ll be an honour to do that for you, Mick,” says Paddy.

A month later Paddy calls Mick.

“Hello Mick, your wife’s given birth to a boy and a girl, they’re beautiful,” says Paddy.

“That’s wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?” asks Mick.

“I called the girl Deniece,” says Paddy.

“And what did you call the boy?”

“I called the boy De nephew.”

  • * *

Benny decided to buy a present for his Uncle Sam’s birthday, so with his older brother’s help he bought a present, gift wrapped it, and brought it over to his uncle.

His uncle, knowing that Benny’s father manufactured apple juice, and seeing a wet spot on the bottom corner of the box, decided to have some fun with Benny by trying to guess what was in the box.

“Hmm,” said Uncle Sam, dipping his finger on the wet spot and taking a quick taste, “I’m going to guess it’s a case of apple juice.”

“No,” said Benny, jumping up and down clearly enjoying the game.

“Not apple juice?” Said Uncle Sam clearly surprised. After another quick taste and a brief pause he guessed again, “Is it apple cider?”

“No,” said Benny, practically squealing in excitement “IT’S A PUPPY!”

  • * *

On a cloudy night, it was raining when my cousin asked my uncle, “Why are the stars not visible tonight?”

Uncle replied, “It’s raining, so they have to put their umbrellas up.”

  • * *

Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”

[*Son: *]“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”

  • * *

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

[*Boy: *]It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well, that is because we aren’t married yet.

  • * *

I remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

  • * *

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ‘‘But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.’‘

  • * *

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says…

‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!’

  • * *

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”

  • * *

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

  • * *

After church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

  • * *

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys, then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

  • * *

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

  • * *

An elderly man finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.

“Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?” asked his doctor.

“I like it great. I’ve heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn’t know existed.”

“Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?”

“Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I’ve changed my will three times in the last two months.”

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 7: Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Max! Max who?

I’ll Max you an offer you can’t refuse.

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Abby! Abby who?

“Abby birthday to you!”

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Barbara! Barbara who?

Barbara black sheep, have you any wool.

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Joana! Joana who?

I Joana close my eyes,

I Joana fall asleep ‘cause I miss you babe

and I Joana miss a thing.

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Kenya! Kenya who?

Kenya feel the love tonight!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Cows say. Cows say who?

No silly, cows say moo!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Lettuce. Lettuce who?

Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Olive. Olive who?

Olive you!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

I am. I am who?

You don’t know who you are?

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

A broken pencil.

A broken pencil who.

Oh never mind it’s pointless.

  • * *

Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes.

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Hey, you didn’t remember me!

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Leaf, Leaf Who?

Leaf Me Alone!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

You suppose to say knock knock who

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Cargo, Cargo, who?

Car go “beep beep. Vroom, vroom!”

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

I eat mop. I eat mop who?

Ooooo gross!

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Dwayne. Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub I’m dwounding!

  • * *

Knock! Knock! Who’s there?

Ho-ho. Ho-ho who?

You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.

  • * *

Knock! Knock! Who’s there?

Ya. Ya who?

I’m excited to see you too!

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s There?

Ashe-, Ashe who?

Bless you!

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Hawaii, Hawaii who?

I’m fine, Hawaii you?

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!

  • * *

Knock! Knock! Who’s there?

Noah, Noah who?

Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Who. Who who?

Are you an owl?

  • * *

Knock, knock! Who’s there?

Interrupting pirate!

Interrup.

ARRRRRRRRRR!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Ice cream! Ice cream who?

Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Frank! Frank who?

Frank you for being my friend!

  • * *

Knock Knock! Who’s there?

Doughnut! Doughnut who?

Doughnut ask, it’s a secret.

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 8: Short Story Jokes

Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders his usual soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks.

“No.”

“Is it too cold?”

“No.”

“Is it too salty?”

“No.”

The waiter calls for the maître and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot? Too cold? Too salty?”

“No, no, no.”

Finally the chef, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

  • * *

Chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian hands over a couple of slim children’s paperbacks, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away. The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows. Across the street through a field, and down the hill there is a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book!”

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: “Read it, read it, read it.”

  • * *

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

  • * *

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would have to each answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

  • * *

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

  • * *

The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:

- You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.

- But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half do not.

  • * *

A couple is going on vacation, but the wife was on a business trip, so the husband went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure it is hot down here.

  • * *

On the day of my big job interview, I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE!

My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.

“Excuse me, sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?” “Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.”

Well, if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.

“Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down,” he replied.

“What was your previous job? I asked incredulously.

“I ran a morgue,” he replied.

  • * *

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, ‘I have a 22-year-old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’ I continued, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’

He added, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.’ I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’

He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.’ I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’

He replied, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

  • * *

The child and his mother:

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

  • * *

Last week, Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see “Slumdog Millionaire” but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, ‘Excuse me ladies but I can’t hear.’

‘I should hope not,’ stormed the woman, ‘this is a private conversation.’

  • * *

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy says, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy says, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouted from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

  • * *

Fred Gibbs was in his early 60’s, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late.

However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk. ‘Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you’re being late so often is quite a worry.’

‘Yes, I realize that, sir, and I am working on it.’ replied Fred.

‘I’m pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?’

‘They said, “Good morning, Admiral.”

  • * *

At night, a thief came in and stole a madman’s TV and DVD player. On getting out of the house, the madman woke up and chased the thief.

After 2 a hour chase, the thief gave up and started pleading, but the madman replied, “Don’t worry, I wanted to give you the remotes.”

  • * *

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation.

He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him.

Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. “Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moment’s pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

  • * *

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

  • * *

I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.

Fact 2: You can’t say the letter ‘m’ without touching your lips.

Fact 3: You just tried it.

Fact 4: You’re smiling.

Fact 6: You’re smiling or laughing again.

Fact 7: You didn’t notice I missed fact 5.

Fact 8: You just checked it.

Fact 9: You’re smiling again.

Fact 10: You like this and you’re going to share it with your friends.

  • * *

After dying in an accident, three friends go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I guess I’d like to hear them say, ‘look, he’s moving!’ “

  • * *

A young boy entered a barber shop and the barber whispered to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’ The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called the boy over and asked, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy took the quarters and left. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licks his cone and replies, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 9: Brainteaser & One Liner Jokes

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

  • * *

What is heavy forward but not backward – Ton-

  • * *

A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day, he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.

  • * *

What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? – Shadow-

  • * *

Name a city where no one goes? – Electricity -

  • * *

What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? – The Telephone -

  • * *

What bow can’t be tied? – A rainbow!-

  • * *

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

  • * *

What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move? – The road!-

  • * *

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

  • * *

What word looks the same backwards and upside down? -swims-

  • * *

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  • * *

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? – Hi Cliff! -

  • * *

What washes up on very small beaches? – Microwaves! -

  • * *

Parallel lines have so much in common. -It's a shame they'll never meet-

  • * *

Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

  • * *

What is faster hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

  • * *

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

  • * *

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

  • * *

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

  • * *

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

  • * *

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

  • * *

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

  • * *

I can handle pain until it hurts.

  • * *

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  • * *

If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 10: Teacher Jokes

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

  • * *

The teacher asked her students what they wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room:

“A football player.” “A doctor.” “An astronaut.” “The president.” “A fireman.” “A teacher.” “A race car driver.”

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet

and still. So she asked him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Possible,” Tommy replied. “Possible?” asked the teacher.

“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”

  • * *

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb “to walk” in simple present.

The student: I walk. You walk….

The teacher interrupts him: Quicker, please.

The student: I run. You run…

  • * *

Teacher: Maria, please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

  • * *

Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir.

  • * *

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan…”

  • * *

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher said, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answered, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

  • * *

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do…”

  • * *

One morning, a boy walks in to class late. His substitute teacher asks him, “Where have you been?”

He replies, “Throwing pebbles at a car.”

15 minutes later, a girl walks in. The teacher asks, “Where have you been?”

She answers, “Throwing pebbles at a car.”

2 hours later, a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty. The teacher says, “Let me guess, you were throwing pebbles at a car.”

She answers, “No Ma’am, I am pebbles.”

  • * *

Question: Why did the student do her math homework on the floor?

Answer: The teacher told her not to use tables.

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 11: Job Related Jokes

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, “BEST DEALS!”

To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”

He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

  • * *

A man came into a shop with a “Salesman Wanted” sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.”

“I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner. “I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids. Iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man. “OK. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them,” said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money,” said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.”

The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?' “

  • * *

Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. “Hit it,” said Larry, climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. “OK,” said Larry, “fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures.”

“What do you mean?” asked the pilot.

Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed, “I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please…..”

There was a long pause before the pilot asked in a shaky voice, “You mean you’re not my pilot instructor?”

  • * *

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities.

However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said ,“Y es, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”

  • * *

While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, “They’ll be ready on Wednesday.”

  • * *

A man phones his attorney and queries, “How much would it cost me to have you answer three questions?

“That would be $300,” the lawyer replies.

The man says, “That’s an awful lot of money for three questions, isn’t it?”

“I guess so,” says the attorney. “What’s your third question?”

  • * *

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

  • * *

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.”

She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

  • * *

A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.

The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t help but gloat a little over his success.

He said to the farmer, “You know, I hate to tell you this, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand.”

The old farmer replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned cow came home this morning!”

  • * *

A computer technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to unplug the power cord and bring it to him and he would fix it.

About fifteen minutes later, she shows up at the door with the power cord in her hand.

  • * *

A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”

“No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Chapter 12: Miscellaneous Jokes

Question: Two TV antennas got married last weekend.

Answer: The wedding wasn’t bad but the reception was beautiful!

  • * *

Question: Why did the picture go to jail?

Answer: Because it was framed.

  • * *

Question: What did the wall say to the other wall?

Answer: Meet you at the corner!

  • * *

Question: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?

Answer: A stamp.

  • * *

Question: What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Answer: Between us, something smells.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What has ears but can’t hear a thing?

Answer: A cornfield.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What did one knife say to the other?

Answer: Look sharp!

  • * *

Question: Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Answer: Because it had a virus!

  • * *

Question: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

Answer: A waist of time.

  • * *

Question: Why did the computer break up with the internet?

Answer: There was no “Connection”.

  • * *

Question: What do you call a free treadmill?

Answer: Outside.

  • * *

Question: Why do fish avoid the computer?

[*Answer: *]So they don’t get caught in the Internet.

  • * *

Question: Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice?

[*Answer: *]Because it said ‘concentrate.’

  • * *

Question: What goes up when the rain comes down?

Answer: An umbrella.

  • * *

Question: What gets wetter the more it dries?

Answer: A towel.

  • * *

Question: What is the tallest building in the world?

Answer: The library! It has the most stories!

  • * *

Question: Who’s in charge of the pencil box?

Answer: The ruler!

  • * *

Question: Why do bicycles fall over?

Answer: Because they’re two-tired!

  • * *

Question: How does the ocean say hello?

Answer: It waves!

  • * *

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.

Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

  • * *

Question: Why couldn’t the kid see the pirate movie?

Answer: It was rated ARR!

  • * *

Question: What has three letters and starts with gas?

Answer: A car.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?

Answer: He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

  • * *

Question: What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?

[*Answer: *]A knight light.

  • * *

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

‘‘But why?’‘ they asked, as they moved off. ‘‘Because,’‘ he said. ‘‘I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.’‘

  • * *

[*Attorney: *]Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

[*Attorney: *]Did you check for blood pressure?

[*Witness: *]No.

[*Attorney: *]Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

[*Attorney: *]So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

[*Attorney: *]How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

[*Attorney: *]But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

[*Witness: *]Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  • * *

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of travelling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

  • * *

[*Question: *]Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?

Answer: Because they might peel!

  • * *

Question: Where do pencils go for vacation?

Answer: Pencil-vania.

  • * *

Question: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?

[*Answer: *]He was a little hoarse.

  • * *

[*Question: *]What do you get when you run in front of a car?

[*Answer: *]TIRED.

  • * *

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, “does your dog bite?”

“No,” replied the boy.

Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.

The man yelled, “I thought your dog doesn’t bite!”

“He doesn’t,” replied the boy. “That’s not my dog!”

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Can I Ask You a Favor?

Finally, if you enjoyed this book, then I’d like to ask you for a favor, would you be kind enough to leave a review for this book on Amazon? It would be greatly appreciated and would help me create more books like this one!

=> Click here to leave a review for this book on Amazon!

Thank you and good luck!

 

  1. {color:#4F81BD;}Get My Minecraft Book Right Now!

All Steve wants is to lead a simple life, away from troublesome neighbours and the monsters that come out at night and cause havoc. He thought he’d put his adventuring days behind him, but instead, thanks to a random encounter in a nearby village, he gets roped into a daring plan to save the inhabitants from a new and never before seen threat.

Despite Steve’s reluctance to get involved in someone else’s fight, he teams up with a new group of friends from his new home, they set off to put a stop to the menace once and for all. Can they save the village and become great adventurers once again?

=> Click Here Right Now To Download “Diary of a Minecraft Steve: The Amazing Minecraft World Told by a Hero Minecraft Steve”


Best Jokes 2016 For Kids

Best Jokes 2016 For Kids If you want to spend a good time with your friends and family, then don't look for any longer, because you will find in this book the best jokes that are hot on the web right now. We have put a lot of effort to make a joke selection with fun jokes that are suitable for children as well. You will be able to spend a good time with your family (kids included) and with your friends without the hassle of searching for the “good” jokes on the web. We have already done the hard job for you! :) "Laughter is the fireworks of the soul" - Josh Billings - Here is a preview of what you will find inside: Question: Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Answer: Fry-day! * * * Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock. * * * Question: Why do fish live in salt water? Answer: Because pepper makes them sneeze! * * * Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not." Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework." * * * Question: What did the wall say to the other wall? Answer: Meet you at the corner! * * * "Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine" - Lord Byron - Scroll Up and Click on "buy now with 1-Click" to Download Your Copy Right Now ______________________ Tags: best jokes 2016, jokes for kids, laugh-out-loud jokes for, knock knock jokes for kids, minecraft, minecraft free books, minecraft books

  • Author: Sara Wilson
  • Published: 2016-02-16 19:45:18
  • Words: 12139
Best Jokes 2016 For Kids Best Jokes 2016 For Kids