Copyright 2016 Cheerful Carraway-Caulfield
Published by Cheerful Carraway-Caulfield at Shakespir
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For The Star I Have Wished Upon
For So Long
The Home that went so wrong
Table of Contents
I
II
III
About C. Carraway-Caulfield
Other books by C. Carraway-Caulfield
Connect with C. Carraway-Caulfield
Sometimes I feel like a god but I’m not a god
If I was I don’t know which heaven would have me
-Frank Ocean
Once, in a world much like our own , where people cried and smiles faded like the sun in the sky, there was a tree. A beautiful golden tree, unlike anything you had ever seen- during the day, the sunlight would bounce and dance around the tree; at night, the stars would tinkle, and so would the tree, glittering and shinning as though inside it there were countless stars and galaxies, and in some respects, that was true.
It is said that an angel and demon planted the seed. No one knows where they are now, over time, they simply disappeared, but it can be said that the idea we have of angels and demons is twisted and skewed. The light always dims and falls flat; the darkness never truly turns out to be as deep. The tree grew and grew, glowing in the day, glistening in the night.
The glow of the tree grew stronger as it grew taller. Soon enough, adventurers far and wide came to see the tree, and feel the magic of its glistening. Overtime people began to wish on the tree, closing their eyes tightly, and placing a gentle kiss on its bark, believing their wish would come true. And indeed, as with all magical trees, their wishes came true.
Then one day a star, or a meteorite, or comet, crashed near the tree. No one could be sure what it was, they just saw something bright falling from the sky, and heard the crash as it landed, and saw the fire that grew on the hilltop- a fire so bright, it outshone the tree’s glow. It turned out to be an angel , or so we thought, whose haunting glowing footsteps set the ground ablaze in blinding white flames with every step, every step towards the tree. She studied the tree with her mystical eyes; eyes that glistened just like the tree, eyes that swirled with molten gold and stardust, eyes that envied the tree. And should you close enough you would find the glistening light finding a home in the faint streams bleeding down from those eyes; the tracks of her tears. Slowly and carefully the angel place a hand on the bark. Slowly and carefully a smile came to her, a smile that turned to a grin as her lips thinned to bare her teeth and contort her face. Slowly and carefully she leaned in and kissed the bark. As she took her lips away, there was a glowing blue spot that pulsed and flowed through the rest of the tree. And as quickly as she came, the angel spread her wings, sending two trails of wind across the world, and flew back into the sky, taking her white flames with her. All was back to normal, or so everyone thought.
The following morning the sun rose as he always did, however, the moon decided not to leave, and there she was, facing her lost love, with the tree in-between. Everyone gathered around the tree when someone noticed its leaves had begun to fall. This was very strange for this glowing golden tree- its leaves had never fallen like a normal tree. Then the glowing became strange, it seemed to flow down from the top of the tree towards the middle; and climb up from the bottom to the middle; until there was a perfect glowing circle in the centre of the tree. Then the sky’s blue got darker, so dark it matched the sea, and strange lights began to wash through it, like waves. Streams of colour flowed, swirling and tying and untying, crashing and falling. Colours they knew, and colours they had never imagined. Then came the cracking sound. The bark chipped and began to break away. And there was a hand, there in the small gap revealed by the departing bark. Eventually the people came to the senses and gentle pulled at the bark to free the hand, and the body that belonged to it.
The limp body fell with all its weight to the ground after being freed from its bark prison. A small child. A girl. Her long black hair flowed down past her shoulders and matched perfectly with her black dress, it would be hard to tell where her hair ended and her dress began, if not for the ends of her hair that were silver. Her eyes were large and when her lifeless lids were lifted, a brown with gold stirred in could be examined, which amplified the shine of the galaxies, she held behind them. The colour of her eyes matched her skin incredibly, this child of the sun, with hair of the moon, so limp, falling with such a thud to the dusty ground of that tree. That ground, still warm from the white flames of that supposed angel, could she feel, if there was even an ounce of life in her. She would have felt the warmth of her chubby cheek.
The people wept for her, this child locked away in a tree, not afforded a moment of life, not a single second to breathe. They took her to the ocean and let her go. She did not float. In fact, the old man, who holds this story with the rest, says the ocean could not wait to swallow her whole. Such a beautiful child could not remain nameless, they would gift her with that one piece of life, though powerless they were. They named her Aurora for the way she lit up and tore through the sky that night, and the way her eyes shined, even without a light, and the way her hair carried stars and straddled the night. Aurora was her name. Aurora, the child not afforded life.
I
The sun is going down just like the time I was moving out
Of that place where we made memories
That floated up like the smoke you use to puff
All my shit was packed up but you were supposed to be coming down
Say goodbye to all that we had for the first time
So I put up a tent in the garden with candles around
And laid all your favourite snacks out
I thought we could listen to old songs or read the books I was meant to
The times when the only language running on my tongue was that of your body’s
I waited and waited
Until you replied with
‘I got stuff to do’
The moon is out
I’m feeling kinda blue
Told my girl I’m just not into you
But fuck it I’m drunk it’s all good
Think about that sober girl, what a fucking fool
Life’s better with all the edges smoothed out
I hear whispers from angels but never remember what about
But look at the moon; the moon is out
And I am a wolf with blood all over my mouth
I hunt and I hurt
Just to watch them crawl in the dirt
A lack of heart does that to you
And with enough blood I’ll be done being blue
My friend sent me a picture late, drunken haze on me
Like every night
I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you, even though you said it was cool
I fucked with you on the stairs of that party
Summer was ending and the emptiness was descending
When our foreheads met
Eye contact
I didn’t feel your mind or anything inside
I was too caught up in myself
That’s why I forgot about her
I kissed you to feel okay
Lies on, smoked up, doubts down, love off
Lying in bed, two kinds of ways
Shit, summer fucking has those days
I can’t lie and say I’ve thought about you after that time
I fucked with you on the stair of that party
Nothing grows where everything dies
She kissed me in the morning, couldn’t look her in the eyes
Guilt drips down every time her words land
Saying you were her best friend around this part of town
Without her knowing we held hands
And while she was away, you wore her crown
When you first met her you said you hated me with a smile
Then we hugged it out
Imagine is she found out
I think I would be more around
Cut into pieces and buried without a sound
You felt bad, that’s why we kissed
I felt empty, that’s why I pinned your wrists
It’s all the same really
But we both thought about how she’ll be
Saved each other for a night
It was quite alright
Blonde hair, thick thighs
I don’t know what colour eyes
Not that I’ve never tried
They change
I would say they were purple
But none of that mattered
That night we met under shitty lights
Bad alcohol and friends in a fight
Walking you home you smiled
About times when nothing was right
And now, now
There was him
There was her
But fuck it, because London nights
All tend to blur
So hold on tight
Lets make memories that’ll last
You like to kiss fast
Take the rest slow
With that connection
Any kind of touch felt like sex
In the morning you received a text
He said he’d be there in four
I left my watch and glasses on the table
By the door
He didn’t see because you didn’t let him in
To your room
He called me saying how he felt
His relationship was doomed
I didn’t reply
I was deep inside
Someone else helping me forget
Who I was and why
Things can’t be broken
If you don’t look close enough
Stardust princess I knew you before we even met
You and me were meant to be
But she came in-between
So many times, wet thighs, cool sighs
Never meant to do it to you
I wanted to hold on to you, like I did before everything was blue
Green, red, colours, real
There was always a deal
I whispered in your ears every night from the first
You probably smelt her sometimes
I drunk her like everything else I did at those times
Big eyes, closed in my bed as you writhed
I’m sorry
I’m sorry you found out the way did
I’m sorry I couldn’t leave her
Because in my mind, she was too big
Sewed the world with the hairs that tried to fly on the breeze
I’m sorry I didn’t get on my knees
To tell you all the sweet words I had trapped on my tongue
To drink you in, watch you come undone
Hold me down and watch me drown
In your sweet wet life I wanted to be found
I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do
I’m sorry that you and I are through
Everything before it even began
But soon I will be home, empty of all this false lust
And there you’ll be, princess of everything, but particularly, stardust
She kissed me like I was star light and she was the night
The way she lay in my bed
I fucking loved her I swear
And I would do anything to see her smile
And never cry
The alcohol pushed promises from my lips before I could sip
And I’m sorry I couldn’t keep any of it
If I could hold your tiny frame in my arms
I would absorb everything that had every caused you harm
Take all the accidental cuts and slips
The stubbed toes and all the painful rips
I would take the tears
Hold my ribs open, crack every bone
I swear to you, if I had another moment
I would never let you be alone
Why couldn’t I be alone when we first met?
I caused you so much pain I feel forever in your debt
But you don’t want to speak to me
And that’s understandable
A sweet small girl picking rose petals
Stomping them into the ground
Destroying each and every flower that can be found
So I wont grow you a garden
Instead I make a great fire, to help soften the heart I helped harden
I’m burning the roses I bought for you
Today I thought of you
I don’t know if you know but today is our day
Was our day
It’s okay
I’m okay
I’m okay
I’ve got places to go things to do
Dragons to sleigh
Called up Beyoncé
Beyoncé
Don’t say
Sunray
These roses are starting to stray
I miss you
I miss you
What can I do?
Time is going and I fucked you
And I fucked her
And tore through
All of that pink that was supposed to be you
But you weren’t there
I was drunk I swear she looked like you
The haze was heavy she came out of you
It was you
Now in early August my soul runs through
All of the things I did do
Should have done
Will never do
I wish I told you
Told her
Said things
Left things
Now there are three broken hearts
Broken shards
Cutting feet as people walk through
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I think I held on too tight
So you fucked me up and let me die
II
There’s a crack in my mirror, it’s been there for years
I can’t remember who did it, if it was I
Or just my reflection
She was here and the alcohol made a haze
The sun hit the empty bottles in such a way
What I’m trying to say
Is someone was here
And their luck decided to stay
That’s why I don’t sleep alone
Because she’s bad and my bed is where she lays
Your touch wasn’t enough
Her touch wasn’t enough
I’ve been looking for something
Even before I knew one could look
While being blind
And it was that blindness
That led me to you
To her
To everything that I used
To fill me up
Blindly I poured and poured
Sometimes it would drip down my chin
But I wouldn’t care
It was never enough
One more two more
Hit the floor
Break nails and draw blood in search
For more
I need to be full
Fill me with life so I know I have some
Fill me with life so I know I can lose some
Fill me with life so I know I am worth some
Not one single man could ever love you like I do
I think that’s cool
So walk on walk on through
The night and tell the sky
All the things you have planned and all the guys on your mind
Light one up while I pour one down
The smoke rises
Feel the burn tonight
I fucked you in too many ways
Funny those were the times I was over you
Get it
I stay fucking up
And under your fucking thumb
Summers just far too strange for me
Reality always seems to slip away as the suns comes in
Maybe it’s just in London
But you haven’t been in London for a while
And that’s okay; I just miss your smile
It isn’t like you would show it to me anyway
The way you had been acting with me
Before you left on that breeze
Pretending you didn’t love me
You said we weren’t friends
So I’ll take it like that
Because summers far too strange for me
And I’ve had enough
I love you baby
I want to say sorry
For the way we left things
I can’t change them now
I once sent a letter
And it didn’t come back around
So I’m scared
You’ll do the same
And I’ll waste more trees
Than I breathe
Asthma always acting up
When you’re not around
So stop fucking leaving
So I can start breathing
Bad luck not to look into eyes
The glass never stopped reverberating
Shaking from all the promises you were breaking
We said forever, you said never
Now it’s been two years and I’m alone
Wishing you would come home
Pick up the phone
Just so I can hear you moan
About how we were never compatible
Which was never a thought that sprang to mind
As I made my mouth a throne
For you to sit up on high and truly moan
Deeply moan
Watch those eyes roll back while buried in your thighs
The time has come I suppose for real goodbyes
You’re in control
That’s the way you like it
Because you know what’s best
And toying with my heart and mind
Never giving a single ounce of me a moments rest
Was a test
To see if I was worthy
Well who can truly pass?
I gave you everything twice
Twice
I was nothing and now I am something
Trapped inside three cages locked inside my mind
And my heart is gone
The one true thing that I had
The one true thing that you wanted
You have
I didn’t see it until now
But you took and took and took
And that was fine
These things don’t mean anything to me
Even though you thought materials were the key
To my mind
I think you’ll find that that was you
I loved red but I made everything blue
Just for you, just for you
But nothing was enough
You had enough
But not respect for me
As you tore out my heart and came back
To watch as I bleed.
I’ll be the savior in your darkest dreams tonight
Hold me tight, I won’t break or shatter
Don’t think about her hair and how the perfume would glitter the air
Don’t, I swear, don’t think about those eyes and how dark they were every night
How you could see yourself in them, but not as you truly are
But the mere reflection of a god
No, don’t
Don’t think back to that birthmark on her back
That place where galaxies were birthed, the cluster of fire and dust
That lay on her back as she effortlessly curved
Don’t
Don’t think about the voice, the voice that even with hatred dripping from every word
Sounded like church bells on sunny winters day
As your breath fogged in front of your face
How her voice was the bell chiming in the distance
That you were walking to
You didn’t know where
How far
But when you got there
It would be home
Don’t, please; don’t think about how she said ‘I love you’
Don’t think about how the cracks inside your soul and your heart
Vibrated to those words
Don’t think about how they started to crumble and fill in
Don’t think about how everything ends
Don’t think about the promises she made
And how they are broken
Broken like your heart
Broken like your soul
Broken like your will to live
Don’t
Don’t because she is isn’t
She isn’t here but I am
I am here and will save you from it all
I will blur every edge until nothing is one and everything is done
I will drown everything out
That voice
Those words
Those promises
I will make you forget
She was never your queen
That was always me
Drink me in and let me burn your throat
Let me burn that tongue that you buried in her in search of her heart
That tongue that tried its best to unlock the cages that held the words
That tongue which blindly traced every curve and fold looking for the answer
Let me burn you
Let me kill you so you can start anew
Sunday mornings were the loneliest
The times you would be in church
Me in my feelings
Where I live the trees cast shadows
But the wind doesn’t visit
Sometimes I feel stuck here
Waiting for a day a moment for you to appear
Never Sundays though
Or Mondays for that matter
When angels fall, they really do shatter
Here we are again, the cold floor where it all ends
Walking so precariously on a tightrope between two crumbling castles
Looking up to the sky as the beautiful blue grows ever sweeter
Aching each and every tooth
As the water rises and flirts with my ears
Here we are again
Rock bottom where we lie and say this is where it begins
I have died tonight
I will be born again tomorrow
And everything, every damn thing, will be alright
They lied
You know?
They lied when they said you cant get any lower than here
Its so funny, the amount of times I’ve fallen
Not a soul to pick me up
Not a bone to hold my weight
And I waited
I waited so long to hear another voice down here
I waited for someone to come along
When did everything break?
I wonder if it wasn’t broken from the very beginning
Marry me; I want to be a good man
Want someone to choose me and understand
Someone I can bury myself in for warmth
Hearts been gone for so long
I can hardly tell when something’s wrong
So marry me, I want to be a good man
I want something to fight for
To kill for
To be strong for
Marry me so I know I’m worth the fight
That when the voices come back at night
I know they’re not right
Because you are by side
There, in our bed tonight
Our bed
I’ve tried smoking, drinking, fucking
All of it, to get it out of my head
And into life
Where the sun is cool in winter, blinding in its rage
And summer is just simply fantasy, a childish sugar fueled haze
Marry me so I know its real
The words you whispered in my ear in that city
When the music filled the air
And everything was still
The birds in the sky
The devil below
Everything stopped to hear the words that came from your
Soft harsh biting lips
You will always love me
You will never leave
Everything will be all right
III
Sweet child deprived of mothers milk
She looked on you and only saw herself
Not the golden sun under your skin
Not the galaxies within
She looked on you and only saw herself
Admired the darkness of your gold
The length and strength of your hair
But love you she did not dare
Instead she left you bare
Both inside and out
You must go without
Sweet little child of ours
Your mother watched you wilt like flowers
I’m sorry I could do nothing
The pain of losing you was and will be crushing
Sweet little child cry not for mother’s milk
It be not rich as silk
With that heart of hers every hour
That milk you crave grows evermore sour
Your mother smoked on winter nights
The darkness of the London matches her insides
A heart rotted straight through
Looked you in your eyes and never even knew
To bring love into this world takes two
And it was my fault you couldn’t live here in true
Splendid glory, growing on and on
I made your mother into my sun and blinded my eyes
Made her into a goddess made from pure lies
When you stay in the darkness long enough
You learn to adjust
So sweet girl please forgive me
Though I wish, it simply can’t be
To set the sky in electric fire
Was my only desire, for you
But your mother smokes cigarettes deep and true
The smoke clouds her judgment as to what she should do
So she left me, and you
Princess with stars in her hair
Holding the sun while sitting on the moon
Crying over the city she was exiled from
The scars will stay hidden under your skin
The golden glow of the galaxies will stay locked away
In your eyes incased in lashes of the night sky
The scattered solar systems freckling your cheeks
Will never know sweet salty tears
Happy or sad
I won’t be here tonight
Searching for your eyes in the refracted glory of bottles
No one will find me tonight
If I fall into sleep
Will you come and visit me
The world will never be as great
For it will never know her
The glowing golden Aurora
Irappu
There’s a lot changing, with everything still looking the same
It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face
Or heard your voice and it’s been a hit that was coming, I should have braced
But I didn’t, cause couldn’t
Expecting the worse is something you told me I shouldn’t
So here I am in the same damn place waiting for a knock at the door
And a meeting with your face
It started so long ago but it feels just like yesterday
We were lying in bed and you told me there was so much distance in this place
I though you were joking
Because I liked to sleep on the edge of the bed
But the look you gave me was so real it was the first time I didn’t feel dead
You asked me what was wrong and I said nothing
You pushed me and said there must be something
So I let my demons go
Because sharing them with you
Was something you said I should do
If this was going to work
Told you I was depressed and later that I was addicted to sex
The first you hugged me tight and told me it was going to be alright
The second you spat at me, called me disgusting and said I should die
That time you called me pathetic still rings in my head
Like I am a hollow church, with you as the bell
Little did you know when we first kissed that I was just a shell
I swear to you I wish I were a better man
I though I did my best for you
Tried to stick to the plan
And love you through and through
See to me, anything we could survive
Because I felt so much strength with you looked me in the eyes
It’s why I’m so lost right now; I don’t feel alive
Medication for the depression
Every damn night turned into a session
I would drink and drown the butterflies
Hoping that the putrid lake inside me would see the demons die
But they never did
In fact they lived for that shit
The alcohol made them louder and stronger
Told me to wrong her
So that’s what I did
Took your love and spat on it
And stomped on every little broken bit
Said I was doing my best but it was a lie
I could have loved you better if I had stayed dry
The medicine I need was right in front of me but the fog was too thick, I couldn’t see through
Couldn’t see that the medicine I needed was you
So I carried on drinking and made a new addiction
To the point where my love for you was just fiction
But you loved me truly
As much as a human can love a demon
Because at that point I had so many cracks that was all that shone
The glare from their eyes
That got stronger feeding off all my lies
You did everything you could for me considering
Those times I rubbed your finger and put my ring
On it
Were the times I was back from the haze
Away from the depressive daze
Despite everything we did have sweet days
When I think back they blur into one
We had fun and you would run
And twirl to the strange fingers
On the piano keys as we would leave
My city to your city
St Pancras still means it all to me
And I can’t avoid it
No matter where I go
I get pulled to it
Like the city
Like god
Is saying stop and listen
She was and is your mission
It wasn’t right then but can it be soon
I’m so sick of howling at the moon
Because I’m coming back together
The demons that I thought would live forever
Are dying
And I swear to you I’m trying
But I don’t know how to get through to you
If I try and it isn’t enough I’m scared that life will get too rough
And like that time we were eating
And my heart was beating
So fast I couldn’t hear what you were saying
But your face was turned away
And I knew your heart had gone that day
So walked I walked away
Didn’t tell you but I came to a bridge and stopped in the middle
Looked down to the Thames and found the answer to the riddle
I wanted to jump in and let it all go
I wanted to jump in and let it all go
I stood there for fifteen minutes
People walked past but they were shadows
Like our love
Blackened and stuck to my side
Why the fuck can’t I let you out of my mind
I love you there
But you won’t come here and share
Your real essence with that of the ghost of you inside of me
So I stood there on that bridge and I counted to three
I wanted so badly, but I thought of you what you would have thought of me
What do you think of me now?
What did you think of me then?
I wish I could turn this all around and start all over again
But with this simple knowledge
That, to give is to live
But I’m just a junkie with too many addictions to count
The way I love you is just like that now
I’m fighting them every minute of every day
And I win most times
Except those times you ring inside my mind
But now after all the war, I’m soft, gentle, free from it all
Looking back I don’t recognize myself at all
Like the time you, to make sure I was warm you threw me back my coat
Though we got into an argument that started back up and ended with my hands around your throat
I’m not proud of what I was
And it hurts me to know that that’s all I am to you
Because there’s a lot changing with everything still looking the same
I wish
I wish I could see your face
About the Author
Lost and alone
Broken, without a soul
Plagued by demons all his life he’s trying to make amends, trying to make things right and the first step is to let the demons die. Yes, he has done wrong things, so many, he has lost count entirely, but why should that matter? Everyone has done wrong, everyone has hurt themselves and others.
Other books by this author
Please visit your favorite ebook retailer to discover other books by Cheerful Carraway-Caulfield:
The Colour Collection:
A Letter to my Love
Silent Sorry
Naan Unnai
KathalikkiReen
AWARE
Freud Found Me
Should We Know?
The Meditations
Ni Eien
Nietzsche’s Illegitimate Son
Poetry
auRoRa
14th
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Be Love
– C. C-C