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Aurora Descended

Name: Aurora Descended
Author: C. Carraway-Caulfield

Published by Cheerful Carraway-Caulfield at Shakespir

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For The Star I Have Wished Upon

For So Long

The Home that went so wrong

Table of Contents

III

About C. Carraway-Caulfield

Other books by C. Carraway-Caulfield

Connect with C. Carraway-Caulfield

Sometimes I feel like a god but I’m not a god

If I was I don’t know which heaven would have me

-Frank Ocean

Once, in a world much like our own , where people cried and smiles faded like the sun in the sky, there was a tree. A beautiful golden tree, unlike anything you had ever seen- during the day, the sunlight would bounce and dance around the tree; at night, the stars would tinkle, and so would the tree, glittering and shinning as though inside it there were countless stars and galaxies, and in some respects, that was true.

It is said that an angel and demon planted the seed. No one knows where they are now, over time, they simply disappeared, but it can be said that the idea we have of angels and demons is twisted and skewed. The light always dims and falls flat; the darkness never truly turns out to be as deep. The tree grew and grew, glowing in the day, glistening in the night.

The glow of the tree grew stronger as it grew taller. Soon enough, adventurers far and wide came to see the tree, and feel the magic of its glistening. Overtime people began to wish on the tree, closing their eyes tightly, and placing a gentle kiss on its bark, believing their wish would come true. And indeed, as with all magical trees, their wishes came true.

Then one day a star, or a meteorite, or comet, crashed near the tree. No one could be sure what it was, they just saw something bright falling from the sky, and heard the crash as it landed, and saw the fire that grew on the hilltop- a fire so bright, it outshone the tree’s glow. It turned out to be an angel , or so we thought, whose haunting glowing footsteps set the ground ablaze in blinding white flames with every step, every step towards the tree. She studied the tree with her mystical eyes; eyes that glistened just like the tree, eyes that swirled with molten gold and stardust, eyes that envied the tree. And should you close enough you would find the glistening light finding a home in the faint streams bleeding down from those eyes; the tracks of her tears. Slowly and carefully the angel place a hand on the bark. Slowly and carefully a smile came to her, a smile that turned to a grin as her lips thinned to bare her teeth and contort her face. Slowly and carefully she leaned in and kissed the bark. As she took her lips away, there was a glowing blue spot that pulsed and flowed through the rest of the tree. And as quickly as she came, the angel spread her wings, sending two trails of wind across the world, and flew back into the sky, taking her white flames with her. All was back to normal, or so everyone thought.

The following morning the sun rose as he always did, however, the moon decided not to leave, and there she was, facing her lost love, with the tree in-between. Everyone gathered around the tree when someone noticed its leaves had begun to fall. This was very strange for this glowing golden tree- its leaves had never fallen like a normal tree. Then the glowing became strange, it seemed to flow down from the top of the tree towards the middle; and climb up from the bottom to the middle; until there was a perfect glowing circle in the centre of the tree. Then the sky’s blue got darker, so dark it matched the sea, and strange lights began to wash through it, like waves. Streams of colour flowed, swirling and tying and untying, crashing and falling. Colours they knew, and colours they had never imagined. Then came the cracking sound. The bark chipped and began to break away. And there was a hand, there in the small gap revealed by the departing bark. Eventually the people came to the senses and gentle pulled at the bark to free the hand, and the body that belonged to it.

The limp body fell with all its weight to the ground after being freed from its bark prison. A small child. A girl. Her long black hair flowed down past her shoulders and matched perfectly with her black dress, it would be hard to tell where her hair ended and her dress began, if not for the ends of her hair that were silver. Her eyes were large and when her lifeless lids were lifted, a brown with gold stirred in could be examined, which amplified the shine of the galaxies, she held behind them. The colour of her eyes matched her skin incredibly, this child of the sun, with hair of the moon, so limp, falling with such a thud to the dusty ground of that tree. That ground, still warm from the white flames of that supposed angel, could she feel, if there was even an ounce of life in her. She would have felt the warmth of her chubby cheek.

The people wept for her, this child locked away in a tree, not afforded a moment of life, not a single second to breathe. They took her to the ocean and let her go. She did not float. In fact, the old man, who holds this story with the rest, says the ocean could not wait to swallow her whole. Such a beautiful child could not remain nameless, they would gift her with that one piece of life, though powerless they were. They named her Aurora for the way she lit up and tore through the sky that night, and the way her eyes shined, even without a light, and the way her hair carried stars and straddled the night. Aurora was her name. Aurora, the child not afforded life.

The sun is going down just like the time I was moving out

Of that place where we made memories

That floated up like the smoke you use to puff

All my shit was packed up but you were supposed to be coming down

Say goodbye to all that we had for the first time

So I put up a tent in the garden with candles around

And laid all your favourite snacks out

I thought we could listen to old songs or read the books I was meant to

The times when the only language running on my tongue was that of your body’s

I waited and waited

Until you replied with

‘I got stuff to do’

The moon is out

I’m feeling kinda blue

Told my girl I’m just not into you

But fuck it I’m drunk it’s all good

Think about that sober girl, what a fucking fool

Life’s better with all the edges smoothed out

I hear whispers from angels but never remember what about

But look at the moon; the moon is out

And I am a wolf with blood all over my mouth

I hunt and I hurt

Just to watch them crawl in the dirt

A lack of heart does that to you

And with enough blood I’ll be done being blue

My friend sent me a picture late, drunken haze on me

Like every night

I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you, even though you said it was cool

I fucked with you on the stairs of that party

Summer was ending and the emptiness was descending

When our foreheads met

Eye contact

I didn’t feel your mind or anything inside

I was too caught up in myself

That’s why I forgot about her

I kissed you to feel okay

Lies on, smoked up, doubts down, love off

Lying in bed, two kinds of ways

Shit, summer fucking has those days

I can’t lie and say I’ve thought about you after that time

I fucked with you on the stair of that party

Nothing grows where everything dies

She kissed me in the morning, couldn’t look her in the eyes

Guilt drips down every time her words land

Saying you were her best friend around this part of town

Without her knowing we held hands

And while she was away, you wore her crown

When you first met her you said you hated me with a smile

Then we hugged it out

Imagine is she found out

I think I would be more around

Cut into pieces and buried without a sound

You felt bad, that’s why we kissed

I felt empty, that’s why I pinned your wrists

It’s all the same really

But we both thought about how she’ll be

Saved each other for a night

It was quite alright

Blonde hair, thick thighs

I don’t know what colour eyes

Not that I’ve never tried

They change

I would say they were purple

But none of that mattered

That night we met under shitty lights

Bad alcohol and friends in a fight

Walking you home you smiled

About times when nothing was right

And now, now

There was him

There was her

But fuck it, because London nights

All tend to blur

So hold on tight

Lets make memories that’ll last

You like to kiss fast

Take the rest slow

With that connection

Any kind of touch felt like sex

In the morning you received a text

He said he’d be there in four

I left my watch and glasses on the table

By the door

He didn’t see because you didn’t let him in

To your room

He called me saying how he felt

His relationship was doomed

I didn’t reply

I was deep inside

Someone else helping me forget

Who I was and why

Things can’t be broken

If you don’t look close enough

Stardust princess I knew you before we even met

You and me were meant to be

But she came in-between

So many times, wet thighs, cool sighs

Never meant to do it to you

I wanted to hold on to you, like I did before everything was blue

Green, red, colours, real

There was always a deal

I whispered in your ears every night from the first

You probably smelt her sometimes

I drunk her like everything else I did at those times

Big eyes, closed in my bed as you writhed

I’m sorry

I’m sorry you found out the way did

I’m sorry I couldn’t leave her

Because in my mind, she was too big

Sewed the world with the hairs that tried to fly on the breeze

I’m sorry I didn’t get on my knees

To tell you all the sweet words I had trapped on my tongue

To drink you in, watch you come undone

Hold me down and watch me drown

In your sweet wet life I wanted to be found

I’m sorry I didn’t know what to do

I’m sorry that you and I are through

Everything before it even began

But soon I will be home, empty of all this false lust

And there you’ll be, princess of everything, but particularly, stardust

She kissed me like I was star light and she was the night

The way she lay in my bed

I fucking loved her I swear

And I would do anything to see her smile

And never cry

The alcohol pushed promises from my lips before I could sip

And I’m sorry I couldn’t keep any of it

If I could hold your tiny frame in my arms

I would absorb everything that had every caused you harm

Take all the accidental cuts and slips

The stubbed toes and all the painful rips

I would take the tears

Hold my ribs open, crack every bone

I swear to you, if I had another moment

I would never let you be alone

Why couldn’t I be alone when we first met?

I caused you so much pain I feel forever in your debt

But you don’t want to speak to me

And that’s understandable

A sweet small girl picking rose petals

Stomping them into the ground

Destroying each and every flower that can be found

So I wont grow you a garden

Instead I make a great fire, to help soften the heart I helped harden

I’m burning the roses I bought for you

Today I thought of you

I don’t know if you know but today is our day

Was our day

It’s okay

I’m okay

I’ve got places to go things to do

Dragons to sleigh

Called up Beyoncé

Beyoncé

Don’t say

Sunray

These roses are starting to stray

I miss you

What can I do?

Time is going and I fucked you

And I fucked her

And tore through

All of that pink that was supposed to be you

But you weren’t there

I was drunk I swear she looked like you

The haze was heavy she came out of you

It was you

Now in early August my soul runs through

All of the things I did do

Should have done

Will never do

I wish I told you

Told her

Said things

Left things

Now there are three broken hearts

Broken shards

Cutting feet as people walk through

I didn’t mean to hurt you

I think I held on too tight

So you fucked me up and let me die

There’s a crack in my mirror, it’s been there for years

I can’t remember who did it, if it was I

Or just my reflection

She was here and the alcohol made a haze

The sun hit the empty bottles in such a way

What I’m trying to say

Is someone was here

And their luck decided to stay

That’s why I don’t sleep alone

Because she’s bad and my bed is where she lays

Your touch wasn’t enough

Her touch wasn’t enough

I’ve been looking for something

Even before I knew one could look

While being blind

And it was that blindness

That led me to you

To her

To everything that I used

To fill me up

Blindly I poured and poured

Sometimes it would drip down my chin

But I wouldn’t care

It was never enough

One more two more

Hit the floor

Break nails and draw blood in search

For more

I need to be full

Fill me with life so I know I have some

Fill me with life so I know I can lose some

Fill me with life so I know I am worth some

Not one single man could ever love you like I do

I think that’s cool

So walk on walk on through

The night and tell the sky

All the things you have planned and all the guys on your mind

Light one up while I pour one down

The smoke rises

Feel the burn tonight

I fucked you in too many ways

Funny those were the times I was over you

Get it

I stay fucking up

And under your fucking thumb

Summers just far too strange for me

Reality always seems to slip away as the suns comes in

Maybe it’s just in London

But you haven’t been in London for a while

And that’s okay; I just miss your smile

It isn’t like you would show it to me anyway

The way you had been acting with me

Before you left on that breeze

Pretending you didn’t love me

You said we weren’t friends

So I’ll take it like that

Because summers far too strange for me

And I’ve had enough

I love you baby

I want to say sorry

For the way we left things

I can’t change them now

I once sent a letter

And it didn’t come back around

So I’m scared

You’ll do the same

And I’ll waste more trees

Than I breathe

Asthma always acting up

When you’re not around

So stop fucking leaving

So I can start breathing

Bad luck not to look into eyes

The glass never stopped reverberating

Shaking from all the promises you were breaking

We said forever, you said never

Now it’s been two years and I’m alone

Wishing you would come home

Pick up the phone

Just so I can hear you moan

About how we were never compatible

Which was never a thought that sprang to mind

As I made my mouth a throne

For you to sit up on high and truly moan

Deeply moan

Watch those eyes roll back while buried in your thighs

The time has come I suppose for real goodbyes

You’re in control

That’s the way you like it

Because you know what’s best

And toying with my heart and mind

Never giving a single ounce of me a moments rest

Was a test

To see if I was worthy

Well who can truly pass?

I gave you everything twice

Twice

I was nothing and now I am something

Trapped inside three cages locked inside my mind

And my heart is gone

The one true thing that I had

The one true thing that you wanted

You have

I didn’t see it until now

But you took and took and took

And that was fine

These things don’t mean anything to me

Even though you thought materials were the key

To my mind

I think you’ll find that that was you

I loved red but I made everything blue

Just for you, just for you

But nothing was enough

You had enough

But not respect for me

As you tore out my heart and came back

To watch as I bleed.

I’ll be the savior in your darkest dreams tonight

Hold me tight, I won’t break or shatter

Don’t think about her hair and how the perfume would glitter the air

Don’t, I swear, don’t think about those eyes and how dark they were every night

How you could see yourself in them, but not as you truly are

But the mere reflection of a god

No, don’t

Don’t think back to that birthmark on her back

That place where galaxies were birthed, the cluster of fire and dust

That lay on her back as she effortlessly curved

Don’t

Don’t think about the voice, the voice that even with hatred dripping from every word

Sounded like church bells on sunny winters day

As your breath fogged in front of your face

How her voice was the bell chiming in the distance

That you were walking to

You didn’t know where

How far

But when you got there

It would be home

Don’t, please; don’t think about how she said ‘I love you’

Don’t think about how the cracks inside your soul and your heart

Vibrated to those words

Don’t think about how they started to crumble and fill in

Don’t think about how everything ends

Don’t think about the promises she made

And how they are broken

Broken like your heart

Broken like your soul

Broken like your will to live

Don’t

Don’t because she is isn’t

She isn’t here but I am

I am here and will save you from it all

I will blur every edge until nothing is one and everything is done

I will drown everything out

That voice

Those words

Those promises

I will make you forget

She was never your queen

That was always me

Drink me in and let me burn your throat

Let me burn that tongue that you buried in her in search of her heart

That tongue that tried its best to unlock the cages that held the words

That tongue which blindly traced every curve and fold looking for the answer

Let me burn you

Let me kill you so you can start anew

Sunday mornings were the loneliest

The times you would be in church

Me in my feelings

Where I live the trees cast shadows

But the wind doesn’t visit

Sometimes I feel stuck here

Waiting for a day a moment for you to appear

Never Sundays though

Or Mondays for that matter

When angels fall, they really do shatter

Here we are again, the cold floor where it all ends

Walking so precariously on a tightrope between two crumbling castles

Looking up to the sky as the beautiful blue grows ever sweeter

Aching each and every tooth

As the water rises and flirts with my ears

Here we are again

Rock bottom where we lie and say this is where it begins

I have died tonight

I will be born again tomorrow

And everything, every damn thing, will be alright

They lied

You know?

They lied when they said you cant get any lower than here

Its so funny, the amount of times I’ve fallen

Not a soul to pick me up

Not a bone to hold my weight

And I waited

I waited so long to hear another voice down here

I waited for someone to come along

When did everything break?

I wonder if it wasn’t broken from the very beginning

Marry me; I want to be a good man

Want someone to choose me and understand

Someone I can bury myself in for warmth

Hearts been gone for so long

I can hardly tell when something’s wrong

So marry me, I want to be a good man

I want something to fight for

To kill for

To be strong for

Marry me so I know I’m worth the fight

That when the voices come back at night

I know they’re not right

Because you are by side

There, in our bed tonight

Our bed

I’ve tried smoking, drinking, fucking

All of it, to get it out of my head

And into life

Where the sun is cool in winter, blinding in its rage

And summer is just simply fantasy, a childish sugar fueled haze

Marry me so I know its real

The words you whispered in my ear in that city

When the music filled the air

And everything was still

The birds in the sky

The devil below

Everything stopped to hear the words that came from your

Soft harsh biting lips

You will always love me

You will never leave

Everything will be all right

III

Sweet child deprived of mothers milk

She looked on you and only saw herself

Not the golden sun under your skin

Not the galaxies within

She looked on you and only saw herself

Admired the darkness of your gold

The length and strength of your hair

But love you she did not dare

Instead she left you bare

Both inside and out

You must go without

Sweet little child of ours

Your mother watched you wilt like flowers

I’m sorry I could do nothing

The pain of losing you was and will be crushing

Sweet little child cry not for mother’s milk

It be not rich as silk

With that heart of hers every hour

That milk you crave grows evermore sour

Your mother smoked on winter nights

The darkness of the London matches her insides

A heart rotted straight through

Looked you in your eyes and never even knew

To bring love into this world takes two

And it was my fault you couldn’t live here in true

Splendid glory, growing on and on

I made your mother into my sun and blinded my eyes

Made her into a goddess made from pure lies

When you stay in the darkness long enough

You learn to adjust

So sweet girl please forgive me

Though I wish, it simply can’t be

To set the sky in electric fire

Was my only desire, for you

But your mother smokes cigarettes deep and true

The smoke clouds her judgment as to what she should do

So she left me, and you

Princess with stars in her hair

Holding the sun while sitting on the moon

Crying over the city she was exiled from

The scars will stay hidden under your skin

The golden glow of the galaxies will stay locked away

In your eyes incased in lashes of the night sky

The scattered solar systems freckling your cheeks

Will never know sweet salty tears

Happy or sad

I won’t be here tonight

Searching for your eyes in the refracted glory of bottles

No one will find me tonight

If I fall into sleep

Will you come and visit me

The world will never be as great

For it will never know her

The glowing golden Aurora

Irappu

There’s a lot changing, with everything still looking the same

It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face

Or heard your voice and it’s been a hit that was coming, I should have braced

But I didn’t, cause couldn’t

Expecting the worse is something you told me I shouldn’t

So here I am in the same damn place waiting for a knock at the door

And a meeting with your face

It started so long ago but it feels just like yesterday

We were lying in bed and you told me there was so much distance in this place

I though you were joking

Because I liked to sleep on the edge of the bed

But the look you gave me was so real it was the first time I didn’t feel dead

You asked me what was wrong and I said nothing

You pushed me and said there must be something

So I let my demons go

Because sharing them with you

Was something you said I should do

If this was going to work

Told you I was depressed and later that I was addicted to sex

The first you hugged me tight and told me it was going to be alright

The second you spat at me, called me disgusting and said I should die

That time you called me pathetic still rings in my head

Like I am a hollow church, with you as the bell

Little did you know when we first kissed that I was just a shell

I swear to you I wish I were a better man

I though I did my best for you

Tried to stick to the plan

And love you through and through

See to me, anything we could survive

Because I felt so much strength with you looked me in the eyes

It’s why I’m so lost right now; I don’t feel alive

Medication for the depression

Every damn night turned into a session

I would drink and drown the butterflies

Hoping that the putrid lake inside me would see the demons die

But they never did

In fact they lived for that shit

The alcohol made them louder and stronger

Told me to wrong her

So that’s what I did

Took your love and spat on it

And stomped on every little broken bit

Said I was doing my best but it was a lie

I could have loved you better if I had stayed dry

The medicine I need was right in front of me but the fog was too thick, I couldn’t see through

Couldn’t see that the medicine I needed was you

So I carried on drinking and made a new addiction

To the point where my love for you was just fiction

But you loved me truly

As much as a human can love a demon

Because at that point I had so many cracks that was all that shone

The glare from their eyes

That got stronger feeding off all my lies

You did everything you could for me considering

Those times I rubbed your finger and put my ring

On it

Were the times I was back from the haze

Away from the depressive daze

Despite everything we did have sweet days

When I think back they blur into one

We had fun and you would run

And twirl to the strange fingers

On the piano keys as we would leave

My city to your city

St Pancras still means it all to me

And I can’t avoid it

No matter where I go

I get pulled to it

Like the city

Like god

Is saying stop and listen

She was and is your mission

It wasn’t right then but can it be soon

I’m so sick of howling at the moon

Because I’m coming back together

The demons that I thought would live forever

Are dying

And I swear to you I’m trying

But I don’t know how to get through to you

If I try and it isn’t enough I’m scared that life will get too rough

And like that time we were eating

And my heart was beating

So fast I couldn’t hear what you were saying

But your face was turned away

And I knew your heart had gone that day

So walked I walked away

Didn’t tell you but I came to a bridge and stopped in the middle

Looked down to the Thames and found the answer to the riddle

I wanted to jump in and let it all go

I stood there for fifteen minutes

People walked past but they were shadows

Like our love

Blackened and stuck to my side

Why the fuck can’t I let you out of my mind

I love you there

But you won’t come here and share

Your real essence with that of the ghost of you inside of me

So I stood there on that bridge and I counted to three

I wanted so badly, but I thought of you what you would have thought of me

What do you think of me now?

What did you think of me then?

I wish I could turn this all around and start all over again

But with this simple knowledge

That, to give is to live

But I’m just a junkie with too many addictions to count

The way I love you is just like that now

I’m fighting them every minute of every day

And I win most times

Except those times you ring inside my mind

But now after all the war, I’m soft, gentle, free from it all

Looking back I don’t recognize myself at all

Like the time you, to make sure I was warm you threw me back my coat

Though we got into an argument that started back up and ended with my hands around your throat

I’m not proud of what I was

And it hurts me to know that that’s all I am to you

Because there’s a lot changing with everything still looking the same

I wish

I wish I could see your face

About the Author

Lost and alone

Broken, without a soul

Plagued by demons all his life he’s trying to make amends, trying to make things right and the first step is to let the demons die. Yes, he has done wrong things, so many, he has lost count entirely, but why should that matter? Everyone has done wrong, everyone has hurt themselves and others.

Other books by this author

Please visit your favorite ebook retailer to discover other books by Cheerful Carraway-Caulfield:

The Colour Collection:

A Letter to my Love

Silent Sorry

Naan Unnai

KathalikkiReen

AWARE

Freud Found Me

Should We Know?

The Meditations

Ni Eien