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And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You!

by Paul Griffin

 

Copyright Paul Griffin 2016

Vision Books

Distributed by Shakespir

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Table of Contents

 

1. And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You

 

2. Global Warming For Real Dummies

 

3. How To Become A Successful Author

 

4. Music Business Managers

 

5. The Local Drinkers

 

6. Dentists and Medical Phobias

 

7. Hunting/Ecology

 

8. Dating Websites

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And they say smoking is bad for you?

Apparently smoking can take ten years off your life expectancy-luckily this is the horrible end bit. So instead of being a decrepit demented ninety year old with no future and hardly any memories of the past either, you will already be dead and gone.

 

It's a hard one isn't it? not really, the amount of NO2 (Nitrogen Dioxide) we now have in the atmosphere from traffic fumes will kill all of us long before the smoking- and if it doesn't fear not, the Russians are modernising their Nuclear Weapons Arsenal, North Korea is controlled by a barking mad despot determined to launch a Nuclear Missile at somebody, well anybody handy and the USA will probably at some point elect an equally barking mad President willing to shoot back. Then of course China not wanting to feel left out will join the party......

 

Factor in the insane weather conditions caused by climate change, rising sea levels, the ever increasing strange viral infections all over the place and the view amongst some that it’s only the grace of God holding things together and he’s getting extremely fed up with us and might pull the plug at any time, not to mention all the other hideous possible scenarios facing us, and you might as well sit down, light a nice cigarette, open a beer and kiss your arse goodbye anyway.

 

Well that was a bit negative you are thinking, so am I. Have hope folks, in the end that’s all there is left, and the truth about cigarettes is they do screw you health! I know your Uncle Joe lived until he was a hundred and he smoked forty a day but he also spent sixty of those years a wheezing pasty faced miserable physical wreck who only managed his last gasp with the help of a nurse pressing on his chest!

 

 

 

 

Global Warming-for real Dummies/ Current Affairs/Science 2016

If you are reading this after 2016 then History/ past affairs......if you are reading this from the new seaside resort of Lewisham or Austin then Prophecy/current affairs..'A good read for your beach holiday' This is more of a thought provoking piece than a scientific document- the main thought it will provoke is 'what is this idiot talking about and secondly why am I reading it'...( because it was FREE friend)

Global Warming

There have been millions of words written about global warming, how, why, the effects and so on- so I will only linger for a while on this interesting subject. Most of the science here I have just made up just like the real scientists, but what do I know? Is Global Warming man made? probably yes is the answer but there again was global cooling i.e. 'The Ice Age' man made? Probably not due to the lack of people. Then what about the time the Dinosaurs existed it was hot then wasn't it? So it would appear the planet goes hot and cold in cycles. It appears now we are going hot and cold and wet and dry at the same time- so something is obviously not quite right! I have no real idea what is going on in truth which sort of fits with everyone else.

 

As a last thought before moving on, I would have thought the Sun ( for UK readers- The big orange light in the sky- it can be seen on rare occasions in the summer months allegedly) has something to do with it- after all it's not an electric light bulb putting out a constant amount of solar energy, it has weather and solar storms and seems to be generally all over the place so perhaps it has an affect?

I have the feeling my article so far lacks the gravitas of a top of the range scientific research paper

so feel it appropriate to move on to dealing with the situation we now, and will find ourselves in at a future date. I hope the advertisement below will be useful.

Sponsored Advertisement

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ACME Environmental Products

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The ACME Floating House- You may be surprised to know this is not a new idea. However the ACME Floating House is unique, in both in its construction and its additional features which make it a ‘Stand /float alone product’

This amazingly innovative home is a real boon to living in our ever changing world- Constructed of recycled egg boxes re-enforced with a liquid titanium resin to give it incredible strength and durability even in the most tiresome of environmental conditions. Floods and rising sea levels are one of the main problems facing us in the future. Here at ACME we are always ahead of the game in environmental terms......and with our team of top scientists are predicting and preparing for these expected climate and environmental changes. We also employ a top clairvoyant Doris from Brighton Pier to give us even further insight into forthcoming events and at £20 a go she has proved invaluable to our research. Doris also does 'extras' when the clairvoyance business is slow, another string to her already tight bow and very large breasts!

No this is not a ship! The ACME Floating House is equally happy on dry land if you can find any.

 

The House Specifications

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Fracking..………..

Fracking has been carried out all over the world with no ill effects so far; So far is the operative phrase. The scientific bods say drilling bloody great holes in the ground shoving pipes and what not filled with high pressure water and sucking out the gas is harmless to the environment. Some how or other all this deep below ground ( in other words out of sight out of mind) poking around all settles down on its own, making a natural adjustment to the intrusion.

 

Most people are worried about pollution of the rivers and water supply from the chemicals used in the process. Because this has not been done on such a scale before no one can be certain as to the effects on the structure of the subterranean stuff below- subterranean stuff below is as scientific as I am going to get at this point. However, in twenty years time when huge areas of the landscape disappear or drop ten or twenty feet as a consequence I am sure things living on the surface, or what used to be the surface will make an equally natural adjustment, as will the people living in their new environment, where the ground could disappear from under you at any moment- trees in the back garden go from forty feet to ten overnight and the entire landscape looks like it has been attacked by an infestation of giant moles.

 

Please dear reader don’t worry this is mere flippant fiction. I am sure we can all sleep peacefully in our beds at night in the Fracking regions until some underground fissure opens up and catapults both you and the bed through the ceiling that is…..! As for the earth quakes these are a naturally occurring phenomenon, I know you never used to have them before, but they are only small ‘itsy bitsy’ ones aren’t they?

 

 

 

 

How to Become a Successful Author

[*’ Stephen King -JK Rowlings William Shakespear- YOU! ' *]

 

Stage 1 ‘Write a book!’ You've been working on your master piece using all the cognitive powers you can muster. Having turned to the brain stimulating, intellect boosting herbal medications in a last ditch effort to squeeze all you can from your now exhausted mind- your body has now diverted 99%of its blood supply and oxygen to your brain, you are hardly able to physically move, all your other body systems are now struggling to function but thank God your fingers can still type to complete the task. Do these herb things really work... yes they do actually I've been using Ginkgo Biloba and does seem to have a very strange effect on my thought processes they do seem faster - can't you tell............

Now its finished, sixty thousand words of blood sweat and tear stained manuscript waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting world! Your heart flutters with excitement, partly from the thrill of it all, but mostly from having to pump all this extra blood upwards. It’s time to gather your thoughts and proceed to stage 2. what do I do with this wonderful creation.

 

Stage 2. You could try a book publisher, there are lots advertising for new books on the internet.

I will tell you from personal experience what will happen- If you are lucky the book people will like your initial submissions and send you a very encouraging email asking for the full manuscript which will be passed on to the book board/panel whatever that is. You will be told this takes up to six weeks. Next you will receive an email saying the book board/panel didn't like your book. They liked it to start with but now they don't, why? Sorry this is standard procedure for all books submitted by sad desperate individual authors?

So how do I get a deal? Easy, you hire a slick money grasping corrupt Book Agent who could sell sand to the Arabs, get offered a percentage so low you would need to sell five million copies to earn a living, and kiss their backside for the privilege. Oh dear…

 

Stage 3. Self Publish why not? Your Mum thinks you are a genius of an Author and the family legend is she read a book once, so have faith. The brain operation you need to repair all the damaged arteries blown apart by all the cognitive enhancing herbal medications is going to cost a fortune so you need to do something.

It’s best to self publish an eBook first and see how you get on. Unfortunately there are now probably more people publishing eBooks than there are people who read them, which is a bit awkward.

Be warned. Do not rely on your friends or family to support your book writing efforts, and never your pretend Face Book friends. They would show more interest in an unusual bug they have found under a rock in the park than your book- Trust me on this.

 

[* A Serious Bit- yes really! *]

Get a few people to read your book and give you a serious honest opinion, re- edit if you need to. Make it work for the reader. If you are serious you need a promotional budget of some kind to get things moving a bit. Face Book and Google Ads are not cost effective- flyers are good.....

The best of luck. How’s my book doing ha ha ha! same as yours….?

 

‘ How To Become a Successful Author’ from my forthcoming ‘How To’ Series

Other books in the series include:

[* How To End All Wars- How To Turn Lead Into Gold- How To Find A Much Younger Spouse *]

How To Find The Secret Of Eternal Life (part1)

[* Currently at the research Stage- contributions welcome ASAP *]

 

 

 

 

Music Business Managers (circa 1988 -True stories[*)*]

Based on my own personal experiences.

Only the Music Industry could harbour such a bunch of delusional fraudulent individuals. I have met people that should have been in padded rooms or at the very least padded offices.

Why is it a lot of these people claimed to have either managed Kate Bush or Pink Floyd. If it were true then both acts would have had a management team to rival the cast of Ben Hur. There was even a bloke on Pointless (a BBC TV Quiz Show) the other week who claimed to be a music act manager, asked if his current acts were known he dodged the question but he had managed Kate Bush and Pink Floyd at some point. Even I was involved with a management team who claimed to have managed Pink Floyd…….. In pure mental health terms some of these people make the Moors Murderers look like Sooty and Sweep.

 

Mel Logan

I first came across this character through the Melody Maker ( Popular UK Music Paper) classified ads. Back in the day the Melody Maker had a really good classified section. To be honest the rest of the paper was rubbish, sorry MM. If you wanted to read endless articles about Iggie Pop or other similar talentless artists discussing the amazing and deep artistic merits of their music and its influence on humanity generally it was fine, if you did; most of its readers only looked at the classifieds.

 

Back to Mel, his advertisement read ‘Mega Music International seeks new artists’ The only people more delusional than the music mangers were us would be pop stars/songwriters, grasping at any straw after the endless reject letters from the mainstream industry, it was always ‘This is not what we are looking for at the present time’. Did they know what they were looking for, of course not. If Island Records had a Pop artist that was selling they all had to have someone similar, if EMI had a Mongolian Nose Flute act all the majors went on the look out for something similar. Has it changed I have no idea probably not. What has changed thankfully any artist that can get their material recorded to a reasonable standard can get a global digital distribution deal these days and then face the horrible truth that there is no real money in the industry for most artists.

 

Back to Mel again……………………At the time I was working with my brother we had written some nice stuff and had found am inexperienced vocalist but one who had a voice similar in some ways to Enya who was extremely popular at that time. We got in touch with Mel and arranged an appointment at his office, which for some reason was in a furniture manufacturing factory. The office was OK, no gold discs adorning the walls we noticed. Mel was Australian, not his fault just the luck of the draw I suppose. He was about forty years old medium height and build with a neatly trimmed beard and an expensive nicely layered haircut,. He had bright blue eyes. It was lunchtime we suggested lunch out, Mel said ‘I don’t do lunch’ fair enough.

 

He went on about the people he managed, there seemed to be dozens of them, this one was doing this and another one that, we’d never heard of any of them. The other thing these would be music managers say is I’ll just run this by the CEO of the then CBS or Polygram EMI or whoever, in truth the only thing they were likely to be running by was the tea trolley or pass them by jogging in Hyde Park. As we found out to our cost this was all part of the sad fantasy world these people inhabited.

I wonder if there was a book called ‘How to impress as a Music Business Manager’ a must read for all Would Be’s.

After a couple of meetings we soon gathered that Mel was a complete idiot who couldn’t manage his own eyebrows let alone control someone’s career in the music industry, at one my point my brother came came close to hitting him as Mel continued to spout complete nonsense. It was nonsense believe me, he never stopped going on about this name or that at BBC Radio making comments and suggestions about songs he was aiming to get Play Listed, obviously complete garbage or making remarks about our demo’s which was rich considering his Hi Fi system looked like it had last been used by Captain Nemo on the Nautilus and the the acoustics in his office for some reason were similar to a mix of the Grand Canyon & St Paul’s Cathedral.

 

The last advertisement I saw from Mel read ‘Mega Music Universal Seeks New Artists’ planet earth was no longer enough, his inherent madness was now expanding into the cosmos God help us all ! poor old Mel had finely lost it. We did find out that the furniture factory was owned by Mel’s family they obviously knew he was completely crazy and let him have the office space to play out the fantasy, The reasoning being, this was cheaper than a private clinic I presume.

 

Reg from Mitcham

Absolutely classic this man was completely in his own crazy world. Back in the day before the internet the only way you could find people to approach in the music industry was through a Music Directory, they would list the companies, contact details, labels owned and various other details, it wasn’t perfect but as a way to make a first contact was useful. Reg had more frigging listings than virtually any other company in the book including all the majors, very impressive.

We gave Reg a call and got an appointment. We were working with another girl singer at that time, more of a pop thing than our other project.

 

Prepared and dressed to kill we headed off to see Reg, this was his actual name by the way. Reg what, I cannot recall, ‘Idiot’ is a name that would fit! For some reason it was an evening appointment, as we got closer it became evident this would not be an office address, so a home visit was on the cards. We finally arrived at a very run down council estate in Mitcham, and more finally arrived at the house. It was a wreck, a complete wreck, it had paint peeling off the outside walls, a broken front fence and gate, a very overgrown garden with a rusty bicycle with a wheel missing propped up against the front wall. Hopefully Reg was some kind of Howard Hughes recluse type who didn’t go in for flashy exteriors, we were right only Reg didn’t go in for flashy interiors either!

 

As the door opened we were greeted by a forty five year old man, with a balding head, who had obviously not shaved for days wearing a string vest! It was summer time so perhaps he was feeling too hot. “ Did you find it easily” Find what easily the answer to a prayer, a recording contract dreams are of made of, by the looks of things so far no, but we had found the would be moguls broken down council house very easily. On entering the interior it was clear Reg had continued his outside décor theme on the inside. There were big strips of wall paper hanging off the walls, damp patches everywhere despite it being summer and the paint work was peeling, the carpets were thread bare and stained.

 

Reg didn’t have a stereo system as such, and went off to hunt for a portable cassette player, he put on our impeccable demonstration tape and seemed duly impressed “ I could do a lot with this you know” What we had hoped for was an International recording contract not banging out a few dodgy cassette tapes at the local boot fares. We didn’t even bother asking him about the multiple Record Labels he had listed in the Directory and duly left ASAP. I have no further comment to make about this ridiculous episode!

Doug from the Lake District

This character was the final straw and it was only my brother who stopped me physically attacking him, personalty I wish he had let me kill him it would be worth the jail time. Another bloke from the Melody ( misery) Maker. Now Doug was particularly interesting in as much as he was American, meaning the madness was international, of course Doug had his own record label, and a string of music business credentials as long as your arm he also had the most irritating accent. Personally I like the American accent, but he had this boring monotonous droning voice that got more boring as he went through his endless list of achievements…….. the man should have been a ‘Sleep Therapist’ guaranteed to put you to sleep in three minutes, any more and you could go into an irreversible coma.

 

However some of his patter had a ring of truth about it and like fools we decided to meet him. He was based in the Lake District we were in London. For my international reader. ( I say reader singular because I’ve just looked at my sales figures and the prospect of the second book being written in the Cayman Islands is looking slim) the Lake District is about three hundred miles north of London not local but ‘ He Who Dares Wins’ as they say. At that time my brother and I were recording more of out material with a female singer called Rowan, the songs were meant for publishing i.e. for other known acts to release and she was helping us out on vocals, however she really looked the part and was used to live performances, plus she sounded really good, so if someone wanted to sign her as an artist doing our stuff, fine.

 

The first inkling that were not dealing with a music biz mogul was when Doug turned up at the station to meet us in a small old, not old, very old Fiat, a very small Fiat at that, if his feet had been sticking out the bottom like the cars in the Flintstones it would have been no surprise. Doug actually looked like Toad of Toad hall, a short squat man with straight longish dark hair, stubby arms and short legs a very short neck, aged about forty with tinted glasses that hid his toad like eyes.

We trundled along to a local local public house (Bar) Doug said he actually lived across the road in a cottage but thought the bar would be a better venue, I did catch a glimpse of the terraced row where he lived, it looked like the film set of a 1930’s Welsh Pit disaster movie.

 

We were introduced to is business partner a slim fifty five year old grey haired man wearing a sensible trousers and a boring sensible jumper. This man only had one line to input into the proceedings “ You must be clean”………… “ You must be clean” what the hell was he talking about, his view was to get a recording contact you had to have an impeccable past, that was his only real input. God help us he was the contract man. His main recommendation of an artist would not be their outstanding musical talent, and amazing stage presence but that after leaving the Covent School they had worked with Mother Teresa and were planning to open a pet refuge centre.

 

Doug true to form would be running our creative efforts past the CEO of Polygram. I have no idea who the CEO of Polygram was but he must have had more people running by him than the London Marathon. He was banging on about seed capital and showing us a glossy brochure of the studio he would like to use. In this instance he had his Production Company hat on, Production Companies create finished product ready to release so to speak with a view to licensing them to distributors or labels, all the ones I had heard of owned their own recording studios.

 

So on the left we had captain sensible going on about “You must be clean” and on the right Doug

banging on about “ Seed capital” After half an hour of the same bloody thing, I was becoming more and more agitated and the room was starting to spin, mainly with the pure monotony of it all but also because despite a four hour journey we weren’t even offered lunch and eventually had to buy our own. Doug couldn’t even raise enough seed capital to buy us a ham sandwich, so how the hell was he going to raise the thousands to record an album? Finally I snapped, my brother managed to grab my arm as I was about to hit Doug, after which the meeting drew to a swift end. You must think both myself and my brother are a pair of thugs, prone to mindless violence these people were enough to provoke anyone trust me.

 

Thank goodness things have changed!

HA ha; the string vests and fake offices have been replaced by slick TV studios and even slicker judges and presenters. The poor young hopefuls are dragged like lambs to the slaughter to have there life long dream shattered in a moment by some talentless idiot who would struggle to bang out chopsticks on a keyboard and who without Auto Tune would sound like Kermit the Frog on drugs. It’s such a shame a lot of them are great vocalists and performers who really would have something to offer. Most, not all, sink without trace, some as if someone has gone back in time and erased them completely from history, their entire family line removed at a stroke. The wonders of the music industry!

 

 

 

 

The Local Drinkers/Smokers (Based on real people)

 

These are my observations of the local drinkers/smokers in my home town SE London…..these characters hardly ever seem to be out of the local bars…..

How can someone consume such huge amounts of alcohol and appear to be healthy ?

Answer, their bodies have developed a completely different alcohol based biological system to the rest of us...............I am not talking about your regular alcoholics here, these people are professional drinkers and do all of their drinking in the local Public House's and Bars. Most humans are carbon and water based these characters are nicotine and alcohol based, their lungs too damaged to adsorb oxygen they suck it in through the skin like a plant and the waste products are expelled through the bowels in the form of server flatulence. Possessing an Alcohol/ Human Blood based circulatory system, with brain neurons firing messages through a new synoptic fluid consisting of 80% Stella Artois. (Lager) The brain no longer capable of normal thought translates language into a serious of grunts and slurred speech understood only by the other members of the same species. They occasionally lapse into a state of sobriety but find the experience too frightening to remain in this state for long periods, so head back to the comfort of the bar.

 

Free from infection because no self-respecting virus would even attempt to infect their bodies in the certain knowledge that it would never survive in such a toxic environmental long enough to cause any damage, they can survive even the most virulent of viral infections. I should imagine if possible a vaccine from one of their blood samples could be the saviour of the human race. The unfortunate side effect being in a similar manner to being bitten by a vampire the recipient would become one of them, what a choice to make, dying from a horrible disease or becoming a bar room swamp creature!

 

Should one sub come to the grim reaper to give them a decent Christian burial the liver would need to be shot. It would have developed a life of its own possibly even capable of independent existence outside the body, however the decent thing would have to be done. I have no idea what they do at Christmas the usual time of alcoholic excess. Possibly as some animals go through dramatic bodily changes to hibernate their bodies go into overdrive, or they attach an artificial liver to cope with extra burden.

 

Come on Paul this all a bit extreme! Too make this funny obviously I have exaggerated a bit, but trust me not much. I actually see them see everyday, as I go about my business and pass the local bars I glance inside to confirm my research and yes they really do exist. The same suspects seven days a week fifty two weeks a year. Not just in the evenings but quite often from lunch time onwards or early evening until the bar shuts. When do they eat, do they eat, what do they eat, how can they afford this life style, who knows. They must be too pissed to cook when they get home so I suppose if not totally feeding on alcohol they must stagger into a local Take Away on the return trip and follow the trial of discarded salad from the previous nights meal to find their way home

(Salad horrible healthy green stuff Ugh! . Ed)

 

 

Dentists/ Medical Phobias (True Stories)

Dentists are a fine well meaning body of men and women I’m sure. Personally I have a severe dental phobia I still go but always end up in the sedation clinic, where the normal chain of events is they take my blood pressure which us already stretching my arteries to bursting point from the sheer fear of it all, and as they watch it head to previously unheard of levels send me home, saying if I bleed they will not be able to stop it or I will have a heart attack during the procedure, with stern advice to see my GP urgently. The truth is my blood pressure is completely normal in normal everyday life.

 

I’m sure I am not alone in this fear and considering my past history its hardly surprising. My Mother was a good Mother and always made me go to the dentist. The fact that in those days the dental surgery looked like the London Dungeon or a medieval torture chamber, kitted out the latest instruments of torture laid out neatly in a row ready to inflict untold disruption to my mouth and associated teeth therein, was all part of the fun. Like all human beings I had a strong self preservation instinct, someone poking about in my mouth with a drill and various other sharp dangerous objects seemed to trigger it big time.

 

The incident that finally put me firmly in the bracket of a Dental Phobic involved a Dentist who had he applied for the job of a medieval torturer would have been considered ‘A Star’ material and never been out of work. He had a practice, not that he needed any in South London. From the outside the building looked quite pleasant, painted white with a few well cared for potted plants adding to the impression that all was well. Even inside the waiting room was light and airy with the usual selection of magazines to read. What this waiting room actual needed was a magazine on how to write a Will and another on Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and possibly another on Self Defence.

 

The actual surgical part of the dentists was not light and airy but dark and dingy, the windows at the rear were filthy and almost black allowing almost no daylight in. In the centre was a black and even for those days antiquated dental chair, it was hideous and foreboding with huge originally silver but now black and unpolished handles and levers to manoeuvre the contraption. The dentist looked like a combination of Dr Strangelove and Rasputin.

 

This was my first and thank God as it turned out my last visit to this terrible place. My brother also had a dental appointment that day, he went in first as we sat in the waiting room we could hear the drill whizzing and his screams of agony quite clearly. It was awful! I looked at my Mum and she glanced at me but neither of us said a thing. My brother had no fear of dentists, actually seemed to like the attention, but even he said to be having a few problems that day. He finally emerged holding his face and appeared to be very distressed and in some pain. He sat quietly next to Mum.

 

Hooray hooray it was my turn next, my plan was that while I still had a few teeth left I could bite the dentist being a small child wrestling him to the ground and drilling him to death was not a viable option. Despite my plan he did get me in the chair prised open my mouth and began his hideous work it was agony, my poor Mother was now being subjected to hearing her other child being legally tortured with consent not by me but by her. Why was this such a torturous experience, I will tell you why, despite it being freely available and being in wide spread use in those days this man did not use any kind of anaesthetic ??????????????

When I finally emerged my Mother had finally had enough and went and confronted the Dentist asking for an explanation…………………… his rely was “ With the modern dental drill there is no need to use an anaesthetic” His dental practice ended very shortly after when he was ‘Struck Off’ the list of dentists allowed to legally practice.

 

Dentists today

Dentists always say ‘Can you move your tongue out of the way’ ‘OK fine where do you suggest I frigging move it to, it’s where it is for a reason, if it were detachable I would have left it with the receptionist. These days they like to lay you back, its easier to work and saves them ending up with chronic backache which is fair enough I suppose. The fact that this make you feel even more vulnerable, and in my case this causes the stuff in my sinuses to pour down the back of my throat and generally find it hard to breath is by the by. Then there is the swallowing, you try not to swallow as its difficult with some hideous instrument stuck in your mouth, you could swallow something you shouldn’t like the tooth they trying to remove, they put a drain thing in your mouth to suck out the saliva which might be necessary but only makes things worse. Now you have another damned contraction sticking in your mouth……….

 

Some people love the dentist, I’ve sat in waiting rooms where people are discussing procedures they are having, these folks are normally there for cosmetic surgery, black fillings replaced with white or other totally unnecessary cosmetic procedures. Yes, they end up with perfect film star teeth. So that’s the teeth finished, and they look stunning. The fact that the rest of your face still looks like Frankenstein’s Monster is well beyond the dentists capabilities.

 

[* American Teeth -'Hi US readers nothing personal' *]

White, so white and gleaming, how is the question, why is the other question? If you could capture the light bouncing off the Osmond's teeth and focused it on to solar panels you could probably solve the planets energy problems at a stroke. As for Donald Trump who knows- with that sort of wealth I presume he has a 'Live in Dentist', by the looks of it they are living in his mouth. If dear Donald has been elected your teeth will be your last concern- in fact they will probably be the only thing left of you after the Nuclear Holocaust- so keep them clean by all means. “ That button wasn't for room service Donald!”

UK Teeth

In the UK we favour the yellow stained crooked lived in look- easy to maintain by not brushing, heavy smoking, endless cups of tea and vitamin D deficiency caused by the lack of sunlight.

 

MRI Scanners

A great bit of modern kit. These things can scan you in 3D layer by layer, millimetre by millimetre.

Are you about to have one and are feeling nervous……….. stop reading now. If it’s only a leg going in don’t worry. If you are having a head scan do worry, worry lots. If you suffer from claustrophobia just pray. The modern ones are a lot bigger than previous models, but still a tube you will be sucked into for up to half an hour. I say sucked into but more pushed in on a rack thing with a mask like the iron man over your face. They say you can see out, which you can, there is a small mirror attached to the mask contraption from which you peer out desperately and hope for a power cut or that the scanning room catches fire. You can also listen to music, suggested tracks Verdi’s Requiem perhaps. The fact that the scanner makes a noise like a pneumatic drill and is so loud you can’t actually hear the music is incidental. I forgot to mention you must also remain still whilst being scanned to get a clear image, the fact that you are trembling with uncontrollable fear makes this somewhat difficult.

 

Obviously to know this much I must have had one, well I nearly had one twice until I completely freaked out before I was even pushed in the tube. So I didn’t have one, well I did, some kind Doctor sent me to an Up Right Open MRI Scanner. No torpedo tube, the scanning tubes/ device is either side of you, the front is completely open and you sit in a seat between the scanning bit watching TV. If you want a break from scanning, you tell them and you can just step out for a breather. You still wear a mask to attract the magnetic field, and it still makes a terrible racket, but I actually fell asleep in it. I’ve had better days out then being tested for a potentially fatal illness, but have hope folks if I could mange this anybody could.

 

Operations ‘A major fear is that you have the wrong body part removed or operated on’

It’s wonderful what they can do these days replace hips, knees heart valves and many other life saving/improving procedures. Providing they are operating on the right part, obviously if the operation is on something you only have one of it’s straight forward enough, a heart, brain or other singular body part, it’s when it gets to two things it can sometimes go wrong. In the old days the surgeon would come around the day before and mark the bit to be removed or operated on with an indelible pen. Crude but it worked, no X to mark the thing to be chopped and no operation.

Am I making this up, no I’m not, I did a bit of research and this is a lot more common than you would think. So be sure to put an indelible pen in your hospital bag and ‘The Best Of Luck’ And if per chance they do cut off the wrong leg, when you get the other one done at least you will have a matching pair!

 

 

If you like my stuff so far please check out my other book!

 

Hunting/Ecology

I was just watching the news about some idiot dentist (more dentists) who had shot an apparently well loved lion in Africa, the animal had been tagged to protect it? He was shown with some of his other trophies all endangered species of course. They also mentioned how families liked to go on safari and take photographs of the wildlife and then go on hunting expeditions afterwards. So armed with a picture of the poor creature captured forever on camera you want to then go out and kill it. Then your photographic holiday pictures will be complete with the before and after shots. Shots being the word or crossbow, or possibly bare hands if the creature is smallish and has no big teeth to fight back with. Wonderful…………

 

Am I anti hunting of course not, it is is our God given right to kill things, why not, if it moves kill the damned thing, there’s plenty more where that came from aren’t there, no is the answer, but it doesn’t matter because when that species is extinct we can move on to other things. The fact that the whole blasted ecological (ECO) system will eventually go to pot, and when it does it will be too late is by the by. Too late means too late, not oh we better change one day……….Unfortunately this is not Jurassic Park and we can reconstruct extinct species from a DNA sample, not yet at least. I’m sure it will happen though-We can replace creatures with more interesting ones, get rid of the boring old Elephant and replace it with Woolly Mammoths, Sabre Tooth Tigers would look good on the trophy wall and maybe even a Dinosaur or two.

 

The UK Royal family God bless them are bastions of the WWF (World Wildlife Fund). At the weekends they are up on their estate in Scotland blasting the hell out of anything that moves, deer, rabbits, hares, grouse, partridges you name it they shoot it. If one of the game keepers to caught in the crossfire, who knows, would his head appear mounted in one of the bedrooms?

Before I go off on one I am going to now end my hunting article or shoot it.

 

 

 

 

Dating Websites…..(Couch potatoes need not reply)

This is written from a man’s perspective and any woman reading this who feels insulted sorry, in fact to anybody reading this, sorry………. so sorry all round . That’s the disclaimer over with now to the story.

 

Being currently single I thought I’d join a Dating Website which shall be nameless, this website seems to be very well run, and does have a lot of people using it. Now to the point of the story. Being of sound mind but not body, by that I mean the only thing holding me together are the cigarettes and booze, well not the only thing, the will to live is a factor, but slowly fading fast, I am looking for a more sedentary attractive person to live out my twilight years with.

 

Now as the huge list of people viewing my profile drift past on occasions I have spotted a suitable candidate- Um, right age- looks OK, not too far away, similar background, all very promising. Now I am thinking I will look a bit more at their interests, well it might help in the long term when the chemistry fades a bit, well a lot normally...so here we go. ' Sports'... Trekking, Snow Boarding, Skiing, Pirates, Working out in the gym, Horse Riding? Yoga/Meditation.

 

I should add here that Trekking in the Himalayas seems to be very popular, as is trekking in South America in fact frigging trekking generally. What the hell is trekking I am asking myself? and with a bit of research found out it’s is a new word for Hiking. I’m sorry but my idea of a courtship does not involve trekking up and down some damn mountain trying to whisper a few sweet nothings in their ear whilst fighting to get my breath back or looking for the missing finger that has just fallen off from frostbite! As for skiing and snow boarding another favourite, after a days skiing snow boarding and burning up endless amounts of adrenaline trying to avoid falling into a ravine or similar would I have the energy for any kind of passion, in fact would I have any kind of energy left period.

 

OK maybe they could do their thing and I’ll do mine as can happen in some good relationships so I might as well look at the other things they like to do.“Eating out, Theatre, Holidays in Egypt, the USA, Australia….? “ So that’s me buggered, unless I win the lottery or sell my house to date them. Surprise, surprise most of these women are divorced or single. The men divorced them under advisement from their accountants no doubt, and the single ones must all be company CEO’S to fund this exotic lifestyle.

So for me its ‘Date A Poor Sedentary Person.com’ from now on, or the single life, which does have it plus points after all. It’s certainly a lot safer that’s for sure.

 

Thanks for reading this, any kind of support is appreciated out here in the lonely writers world!

Funny

[* Check out my other book Funny- Only $1.99 *]

‘If I say so myself there some classic ‘real life’ stories in Funny worth a look. Paul’

http://vision-music.biz/funny.htm

 

 

Funny, amusing, baffling,Crazy. A collection of ‘real life’ short amusing stories. The book is in three sections; Miscellaneous stories; Tales from Paul’s time as a partner in a recording studio in south London featuring some of the fascinating characters he encountered and Colonel Rage (Retired ) a persona who hates modern life and views everything as a military man.

‘Are you ready to enter the Crazy World of Funny?’

 

 

 


And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You

  • Author: Paul Griffin
  • Published: 2016-03-14 17:05:07
  • Words: 7514
And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You And They Say Smoking Is Bad For You