99 SPORTS JOKES
Copyright © 2014 John Jester
All rights reserved.
What is it that links all sports together? The humour of course. 99 Sports Jokes for Kids takes your favourite sports and sprinkles them with a big dollop of laughter. Guaranteed to keep you giggling well after the final whistle has gone!
1. Why did the basketball court get so wet?
- The players were dribbling all over it!
2. How do you start a jelly race?
- Get, set!
3. Why do scuba divers fall backwards off their boats?
- If they fell forwards, they’d still be on the boat!
4. Who was the fastest runner ever?
- Adam. He was first in the human race.
5. Why did the chicken get sent off?
- For fowl play!
6. Why did the coach buy a trampoline for the team?
- To help with their spring training!
7. What is Dracula’s favourite sport?
- Cricket, because of all the bats!
8. How do football players stay cool?
- They sit next to the fans!
9. What’s the difference between put and putt?
- Put is when you place something where you want it. Putt is simply a failed attempt to do the same thing.
10. A football fan was on his way to the match and got stopped by the police for driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
- ‘Sorry officer. I am on my way to the game, but I must be late, because everyone else is coming home!’
11. A young man and an old man are playing golf. The young man finds himself stuck behind a big pine tree.
‘When I was your age, I could clear that tree’, the old man says.
- ‘But, when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet high!’
12. What is the largest gemstone in the world?
- A baseball diamond!
13. What do baseball and pancakes have in common?
- They both need a good batter!
14. Why do spiders make good basketball players?
- They are 8-footers!
15. Why was the baseball player arrested?
- He was always stealing bases!
16. Where do old bowling balls end up?
- In the gutter!
17. What is the trickiest part of learning to play ice hockey?
- The summer training!
18. What did the lady say to the handsome archer?
- You make me quiver!
19. Why was Cinderella useless at football?
- Because she ran away from the ball!
20. How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
21. What do baseball players eat their dinner off?
- Home plates!
22. Which insect makes the worst American footballer?
- A fumble bee!
23. Why are dogs so bad at golf?
- Because they are always in the ruff!
24. Why would the swimmer only swim backstroke after lunch?
- Because he didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!
25. Why are fish so bad at playing tennis?
- They hate going near the net!
26. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a tennis racket?
- Ping Pong!
27. My PC’s got the useless goalkeeper virus.
- It can’t save anything!
28. Why does Usain Bolt struggle listening to music?
- He is always breaking the records!
29. What did the archer get after he hit the bullseye?
- An angry bull!
30. How do you know zombies have been playing ice hockey?
- There is a face-off in the corner!
31. Who is the captain of the fish football team?
- The kipper!
32. Why did the footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
- He was the skipper!
33. What did the BMX rider say to his girlfriend?
- I wheelie, wheelie like you!
34. What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
- Bring on their subs!
35. How do chickens encourage the football team?
- They egg them on!
36. Ref: ‘That’s it. I’m sending you off.’
Player: ‘What for?’
- Ref: ‘For the rest of the match!’
37. Which is the coldest stadium in the premiership?
- Cold Trafford!
38. Where do spiders play football?
- Webley stadium!
39. Time flies like an arrow.
– Fruit flies like a banana!
40. Why was the football pitch shaped like a triangle?
- Someone took a corner!
41. Why are computers so good at golf?
- They have such a hard drive!
42. Did you hear about the world champion computer athlete?
- He was a floppy discus thrower!
43. Why don’t racing drivers eat before the race?
- In case they get Indy-gestion!
44. Why did the ballerina quit playing football?
- It was tu-tu hard!
45. What do goalkeepers eat for lunch?
- Beans on post!
46. How do you light up a football stadium?
- With a soccer match!
47. Golfer: ‘Do you think I can reach the hole with my 7 iron?’
- Caddie: ‘Eventually!’
48. Why don’t they build any football stadiums in space?
- There is no atmosphere!
49. What is a runner’s favourite school subject?
50. Child: ‘Can I play football outside with my little brother?’
- Mother: ‘No. You can use a proper football this time!’
51. My local team want me to play for them really badly.
- Well, you’re just the person for the job!
52. How do you get a drink of water at a baseball game?
- Ask for a pitcher!
53. I got a new fishing rod for my little sister.
- It was the best trade I have ever made!
54. What sport do short-sighted people like the best?
- Contact sports!
55. What do you call a girl who loves fishing?
56. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own?
- Because they are too tired!
57. What is a golfer’s favourite dinner?
- Fish and chips!
58. What tea do footballers like to drink?
59. What does the star athlete get for coming second?
- The constellation prize!
60. What did the American football coach say to the broken vending machine?
- Give me my quarterback!
61. Why do golfers always carry an extra pair of trousers?
- In case they get a hole in one!
62. What position do ducks like to play in football?
- Left and right quack!
63. Did you hear about the boy who went fly-fishing?
- He caught a bluebottle!
64. ‘Why don’t you play golf with John anymore?’
- ‘Would you want to play with someone who was always cheating? Well, neither did he!’
65. What do you call rodents who like athletics?
- Track and field mice!
66. Why do penguins make such good racing drivers?
- Because they are always in pole position!
67. Why shouldn’t ice hockey players tell jokes?
- In case the ice cracks up!
68. Why couldn’t the fish stop going to the football matches?
- He was hooked!
69. Where do religious children play sports?
- In the prayground!
70. What did the fish say after it swam into a brick wall?
71. ‘I would move heaven and earth if I could reach the green with this shot’, said the golfer.
- ‘I would try heaven if I were you, as you’ve already moved most of the earth’, replied the caddy!
72. What sport to you play on a carpet?
73. Is this a good lake for fishing?
- It must be good, as none of the fish ever want to come out!
74. What route do the crazy marathon runners take?
- The psycho-path!
75. A weightlifter has to pop out of the restaurant, so leaves a note under his drink to ensure no-one takes it, saying ‘World’s biggest weightlifter.’
- When he returns, imagine his surprise when he finds his drink gone and a note saying, ‘World’s fastest runner!’
76. What goes putt, putt, putt, putt?
- A terrible golfer!
77. What is the fastest fish in the world?
- The motor-pike!
78. Why didn’t the dog like to play football?
- It was a boxer!
79. What happens when footballers lose their eyesight?
- They become referees!
80. Why are football stadiums strange?
- Because you can sit in the stands, but can’t stand in the sits!
81. What does a magician and a footballer have in common?
- They both do hat tricks!
82. What does a runner do if he forgets something?
- Jogs his memory!
83. Where do the directors go when they are fed up with the game?
- The bored room!
84. Why do marathon runners perform so well in school?
- Because education pays off in the long run!
85. What did the left trainer say to the right trainer?
- Nothing. It was tongue-tied!
86. Two hikers are walking through the woods, when a big bear jumps out in front of them. One of the hikers quickly takes his trainers from his rucksack and puts them on.
‘What are you doing?’, says the other hiker. ‘You can’t outrun a bear.’
- ‘I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!’
87. Why can’t cars play football?
- They only have one boot!
88. What is the hardest part of skydiving?
- The ground!
89. Why did the athlete’s back hurt so much?
- He had a slipped discus!
90. What kind of cats are the best at bowling?
- Alley cats!
91. Two waves were in a race. Who won?
- None of them. They tide!
92. Why are spiders so good at cricket?
- The only way to get them out is LLLLLLLLBW!
93. Did you hear about the underwater snooker player?
- He was a pool shark!
94. A struggling batsman turns to the wicket keeper and says, ‘Well, I suppose you’ve seen a lot worse players.’
The wicket keeper says nothing.
‘I suppose you’ve seen a lot worse players’, the batsman says a little louder.
- ‘I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think!’
95. How do physicists stay in shape?
- By pumping ion!
96. What do you get if you cross a boxer with a vacuum cleaner?
- Mike Dyson!
97. Boxing trainer: ‘Are you ready for your next fight?’
- Boxer: ‘Just a’bout!’
98. I used to play tennis, football, basketball, hockey and cricket.
- I’ve stopped now my games console is broken!
99. A footballer returns after the summer break, clearly out of shape.
Coach: ‘What happened to the 6-week diet I gave you to do?’
- Footballer: ‘Oh, that was easy. I finished that in 6 days!’