Copyright © 2015, 2016 by Clutch Media.
Shakespir Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
If I were to sum up all my online dating advice into just three words it would be this, Don’t Screw Up. A good portion of online dating coaching is convincing guys to not do the things that are hurting their chances with the ladies online. Most guys just need to get out of their own way and stop making mistakes to greatly improve their online dating.
So without further ado here it is, the top 10 mistakes guys make in online dating.
So you’ve signed up for an online dating account. You’ve done some searches and found the lady of your online dreams. You set about to message her by telling her all about yourself, all about yourself as in every little detail. Details you would normally only tell your trusted friends after several years of friendship. You click send and await her response so you can start your relationship with your new girlfriend. You wait a few days and no new messages arrive at your inbox. Then you wait some more, and still there is no response. You have just made one of the classic mistakes of online dating.
Being new to online dating you were probably unaware that one in ten introductory messages sent from men to women actually gets a response. With those odds you have to use your time more wisely. In the time that it took you to type out your war and peace of a message you could have messaged ten to twenty ladies with nice two to three sentence messages.
A two to three sentence message is a good length to get her attention without spending so much time on the message that you can’t send out enough messages to get a decent number of responses. The shorter you message the more messages you can send out in a reasonable amount of time. Of course you’ll have to have long enough messages to stand out amongst all the other messages an attractive woman is sure to receive. The more women you can message with a decent message the more responses you’ll receive. And the more responses you receive the more dates you’ll go on. I’m sure you see where this is going. Use your online time wisely and reap the benefits.
As a man on an online dating site for the purpose of meeting women, you don’t want to come off as anti-woman or misogynistic. Maybe you have had some bad experiences with women you have met online. Maybe you have had a bad experience with an ex-girlfriend. These things may have affected your life, but they aren’t the first things a prospective new girlfriend wants to hear about you.
When you are meeting or chatting with a lady, or even writing your online profile always keep a positive frame of mind. Try to say everything with a positive attitude. If you find yourself relating a story of an event in which you were wronged try to frame it as a learning experience that you have grown from.
If you complain about other women in your life, especially previous lovers she will assume that you will be complaining about her. That’s not the worst of it. If you complain about women a lot she might think that you have problems with women. If she thinks you have a problem with women she will not feel safe around you. If she doesn’t feel safe around you she’ll never want to be in a relationship with you. She may even be afraid of you.
Will one negative comment about an ex-girlfriend completely sabotage your chances with a girl? Probably not, but the farther you push things before she gets to know you the more likely it is that she won’t want to get to know you. Your best bet is to play it safe and just not complain about women.
Sometimes you can meet someone online and things just click. You have good conversations or banter and feel comfortable chatting or messaging each other. You are both excited to meet in person. As a guy it’s tempting to commemorate your first meeting with a special event. This can send all the wrong messages and ruin what could have been a good thing.
The first date with someone you met through online dating isn’t really a date at all. It’s more of a pre-date or a meet and greet. People tend to build and image in their minds of the person they are chatting with online. Good or bad the image in her head is never you exactly as you really are. In many ways you are starting over from scratch when you meet in person. If you click when you meet your online history will help things progress more quickly than if you had just met in real life (not online). But there is no getting over the fact that you are meeting for the first time.
She’s not your girlfriend yet. You may have had great communication and feel a strong sense of connection when you were chatting or messaging online, but online is online and real life is real life. Until you meet in person, you haven’t met in person.
Often guys meet a lady online and want to make their first meeting a very special occasion. They also try to impress the lady who they clicked with so well online. They plan a big event of a date. It could be a concert with her favorite band or musician. It could be a fancy dinner. It could be an expensive night out on the town. All of theses big dates are big mistakes because the say all the wrong things and set all the wrong expectations.
When you meet in person, face to face. The you standing in front of her is never going to be an exact match for the you that she has built up in her mind. Over time it is possible to meld the two, but that takes time. When you meet face to face for the very first time, no matter how well you communicated before, you are still a stranger standing in front of her.
When you start a relationship with such a grand gesture you are setting expectations that will not be sustainable over the life of the relationship. Save the grand dates for special occasions after she is your girlfriend. Another problem with grand dates with a real yet not virtual stranger is that she may assume that you are trying to buy your way into her panties, and that can either turn her off or set the relationship up for problems.
The best first dates are always casual and fun. Keep your time, expenses and expectations minimal. When you meet someone in real life who you have previously met online it isn’t really a real date. Its more of a pre-date or a meet and greet. You’ll want to choose an inexpensive meeting place. Not one that says cheap, but you want to express that this is no big deal. For daytime meets a coffee shop or juice bar work well because they are usually quiet enough to have a conversation and public enough to be comfortable for all. If scheduling forces an evening or afternoon meet up, a sports bar or a nightclub with a band is good. When you meet her be laid back and cool, warm up as the date progresses.
Going all out for a first date may seem like a great idea but it will cost you more than the date in the long run. It’s always best to keep things simple and casual until you get comfortable around the real life versions of each other.
Everything in your profile and initial messages should be there for the purpose of sparking her interest. Too often guys divulge too much too soon and although this information is about them, it isn’t really relevant to her at this time.
When you see a print ad or television commercial for a new car, they don’t tell you the tire pressure, piston compression psi, exhaust circumference, minimum octane, or suggested maximum weight load in the trunk. The commercial and the print ad are made to spark an interest, and in turn get you to want to know more about the car. They aren’t hiding this information from you; it’s all in the owner’s manual. Available for you when you after you purchase the car and it becomes relevant, or potentially relevant, to you.
I suggest you take the same approach to revealing information about yourself on your online dating profile and in your initial messages. There may be a lot about your life that you want to share with her, and there will be plenty of time for that later. If you spark her interest now and keep her interested enough to build a relationship.
Before you have met in person and started dating most of your life story is irrelevant to her. She doesn’t have a reason to care, yet. She’ll start to care, as she becomes more involved and more invested in your life. As you eventually become a couple the minutia of your life will become more relevant and more important to her. But on your online dating profile, just focus on sparking interest.
Of all the mistakes guys can make in online dating, not reading her profile could be the most embarrassing.
Imagine this, you have found a lovely young lady online. After a few chats you ask her to meet you and your friends at your local hang out. After chatting with your friends your date arrives. To your surprise and your friend’s amusement your date turns out to be a less than convincing transsexual. The guys will never let you live this one down ever.
This is a situation, which could have been avoided by simply reading ‘her’ profile. Sure you may think you know all you need to after seeing the icon of her profile pic, but there is always more to know and more knowledge is almost always a good thing.
Besides birth gender (which may or may not me a deal breaker for you. Not judging.) Other pertinent information may be hidden in the text of her profile. For instance she may have a disease that could be transferred by sexual contact. If that is the case she may state in her profile that she is only looking for a guy who is also a herpes carrier, or has hepatitis, or even HIV. This doesn’t make her a bad person, actually disclosure as early as possible is a good thing. But it may make her someone you do not want to date or partner up with. There are other potential deal breakers that may show up in the text of her profile as well. She may have an occupation that you have moral objections to. She may be a member of a hate group or other organization you feel is undesirable enough to be a deal breaker for you.
Besides the deal breakers there are other things, good things, which you could learn from reading her profile. Her profile could easily go into detail about her hobbies or sports that she has an interest in. Once you start chatting she’s going to expect you to have read her profile and know what it says, you might as well read it now. Besides reading her profile can give you a good sense of who she is, and you do want to know about who she is, don’t you? The information in her profile is also a good place to start when you are putting together your first message to her. Adding a question about or a mention of an item from her profile can set your message apart from all the others she is receiving.
Before you have even decided to message her, the information in her profile can be helpful. All guys want to date a lady they find physically attractive. But there is more to a lady than her physical beauty. Her profile could tell you a lot about who she is as a person. There may be things in her profile that make her more attractive to you. There also may be things in her profile that make her repulsive to you. And these things may all be independent of her physical appearance. Either way it’s good to know as much as possible about her before you decide to message her, or not.
When you read her profile you also may be additional pictures, and as they say a picture is worth a thousand words. If she has more than one photo, you’ll be able to see the additional photos when you view her profile. If you don’t view her profile you’ll only be able to see her main profile picture. When you view her additional photos you may see something in her that you didn’t see in the main profile picture, and it could be something attractive. You may have found another side to her that makes her more attractive to you. Isn’t that worth giving her profile a quick look? Also, you may find something that makes her less attractive to you. And it’s better to find undesirable features or traits before you message her, rather than after. When looking at her pictures you may find some of her pictures depict her participating in interests that are also interests of yours, now you have something in common with her, and another topic for a message. Another thing you may find in her additional photos is an aspect of her personality that strikes you as attractive, or just something about her that makes her more attractive to you.
It’s always a good idea to check out a lady’s profile before messaging her. You can learn a good deal about her from the text of her profile. Her additional photos can give you a glimpse into who she really is. You may find things that make her more attractive to you. You may find things that make her repulsive to you and kill your desire to contact her. Either way, you’ll be better off for knowing than not knowing, and glad you bothered to read her profile.
Putting a bland profile online is one of the worst mistakes guys make when creating an online dating profile. Yet many guys continue to do it. Sure it is easy to do what everyone else is doing; you’re just going with the flow. It’s a low risk approach to give the most popular answers when filling out your profile. The most common interests and hobbies will be by definition on the most profiles, and most likely your interests. It’s easy to just take a bathroom picture when you need a profile picture. Sometimes the easy way, the way everyone else is doing it, isn’t the most effective way to get where you want to go. In online dating you can blend in with the crowd or you can stand out. If you are in it to win it, you’ll want to stand out.
Your online dating profile is a brochure for you. It is not your resume. It’s not a list of everything about you or everything you’ve accomplished in your life. Like a brochure it should spark interest in getting to know more about you. It should hint at your personality. Your profile should show that you have put some effort into creating an outstanding profile, not just typed some stuff in the mandatory fields. Instead of telling her your personality traits, elaborate, tell stories that show your personality. Your online profile could be her first impression of you, unless you messaged her first. Make it a good first impression.
Many guys get into online dating. They set up profiles and browse ladies profiles. Then they complain that they are not getting messages, but they willingly admit that they are not sending messages. One of the best ways to insure online success is to message the ladies.
Guys have a lot of excuses for not taking the first step and messaging the ladies they would like to meet. Many say if a lady messages them first they know that she is interested, so they wait, and wait, and wait. Some guys want to message ladies but don’t know where to start. It can be awkward introducing yourself to a stranger. Other guys say they have messaged ladies but became discouraged when the ladies did not respond. It’s true the response rate when messaging ladies online is only about 10% and this can be discouraging.
There are many reasons for the low response rate from ladies who get messaged online. A lot of profiles for attractive ladies on online dating sites are fake. They might be profiles that were created to collect email address for online marketing or profiles created by other guys who want to know what messages other men are sending women. There are also dead profiles, or profiles created by a lady months or even years ago. Often ladies create an online profile, use it for a while and then abandon it. These profiles are still on the dating sites even though no one has logged into them in months or even years.
The dating sites leave these profiles up for two reasons. The more attractive ladies profiles on a site the more men it will attract, and the more subscribers an online dating site has the more attractive it is to potential subscribers (all other criteria being the same).
There are a lot of guys messaging the attractive ladies online. When you message her you message will have to stand out in the message clutter of her inbox. It is important for the message from you to not look like the other messages from the other guys.
When you message ladies on an online dating site your overall odds of a response are about one in 10. This can be very discouraging news. But this ratio can help you calibrate your expectations, and that can work for you instead of against you.
The good news is that there are ways to make your messages stand out. By going about online dating with a plan to succeed you can improve your odds of getting your messages not only read but also responded to.
So you say you don’t know where to start? Try this. Tell her that you like her profile, tell her something specific about her profile that you like, and invite her to check out your profile and respond so you two can chat. By mentioning something specific about her profile you prove that your entire message is not cut and paste and you show her that you took the time to read her profile. It won’t work every time, but it will improve your odds.
Another way to improve your odds is to avoid messaging dead profiles. Does her profile have one very professional looking photo and not much else? Is her profile written in ‘pigeon English’ or as if she is not fluent in the English language? If she responds does she ask that you switch to messaging by email in her first message? If you answered yes to any of the above there is a good chance this profile was created to collect email addresses. Odds are the person who created that profile is not the attractive model in the picture.
Sometimes you find a profile that looks like a normal attractive lady that you would like to get to know better. Maybe her profile is toward the bottom of your search results. It is always a good idea to check the date of last activity on a lady’s profile when you are considering messaging her. If she has not been active on the site in a long time there is a good chance this is a dead profile. She may even decide at a later date to create another profile with the same pictures.
Sending out messages and not getting messages in response can be discouraging. I’ve found it can be easier if you send out introductory messages in a batch of 10 to 20. By messaging a group of ladies at the same time you can get involved with conversations with those who respond and forget about those who did not.
It’s easy to think that if a lady is messaging you first she is very interested in you, but you really have no way of knowing how many other guys she is messaging. She may be keeping a lot of guys strung along. She may have adapted a strategy of messaging guys first because she goes through a lot of guys and is unable to maintain a relationship over an extended time period.
Many, but not all, ladies are conditioned to let the man make the first move. Historically he was referred to as a gentleman suitor and he would visit her and her family for the purpose of courting. A lot of ladies still hold on to some of these views and will not message you first. Just as it is easy for guys to not message ladies and wait to get messages it is even easier for the ladies to wait for a guy to message them. Besides tradition I believe that a lot of women prefer to be the pursued, as long as the pursuer is someone she is attracted to.
By being the man who is messaging ladies you are taking control of your online dating. Sure not every lady responds to every message, but the more messages you send the more responses you’ll receive. Soon you’ll be messaging a number of ladies. As you become more interested in some more than others that number will filter down. At some point you may decide you should have more ladies to message. Then you can send out another batch of introductory messages and refresh your dating pool.
One of the easiest mistakes to spot, but also one of the easiest to fix is poor spelling and grammar.
A lot of online dating is about making a good first impression and poor spelling and grammar makes for a poor first impression. There is a lot of competition in online dating and a lot of guys with profiles. Poor grammar is not a mistake you can afford to make. Some may say that they don’t want to sound stuffy or uptight, but poor spelling and grammar does not give the reader the impression that you are clever, casual, or cool. If you can’t write well you are going to appear to be ignorant and uneducated.
There was a time when text messages were new and people had to type out words through a numeric keyboard. Typing u instead of you could safe you a good amount of time. As could typing 4 instead of for, or r instead of are. But that was a long time ago and times have changes and so has the style of writing. Ten to fifteen years ago those shortcuts may have appeared to be hip and cool, but now they make you look uneducated and outdated.
A good guidepost for grammar and spelling is professional advertising. When you look at a magazine, newspaper or billboard ad they do not have poor grammar and spelling the language is crafted carefully and precisely. Because advertisers care about the impression that they are projecting and when it comes to your online dating profile and messages you should to.
Bad grammar and spelling is something that can be easily fixed with a little practice and some attention to detail. If you have questions about how to spell a word, try typing it into Google. Did Google correct the word for you, or leave it how it is? If using Google leaves you doubting your answer try dictionary.com. That should give you the correct spelling and a definition so you know you have the correct word. Another method to improve your spelling and grammar is to make a habit of reading more. Any printed work, digital or paper. While you are reading take the time to notice words and how they are spelled and how they fit together. Notice the grammar as well. Before long you’ll just get a feeling for when a sentence isn’t right, and you’ll be able to fix it.
When you write and message with good spelling and grammar it shows the world that you are aware of the conventions involved with the written word. It shows you are up to date with the times. If you still must use bad spelling and grammar make sure it is bad enough that the reader knows you are using it mockingly for effect.
If you are on an online dating site and devote a good portion of your profile to explaining how you are too good for, or above online dating, well guess what? You’re here, so you’re not. If you are trying to position yourself as better than someone who is using an online dating site to find a partner, but you are on said dating site, you aren’t cooler or more desirable than everyone else on the site. You’re just more full of yourself.
Online dating should be fun for everyone evolved. If you are not enjoying the interactions you are having with the people you are meeting online, interact with different people. If you constantly need to sincerely project an image that you are better than everyone else online, you are the problem and you are a douche. Quit being a douche and allow yourself to have some fun.
True arrogance reveals your insecurities. If you need to constantly remind people that you want them to think you are better than them, there is something wrong with you that you are trying to cover up. People see through this and your insecurities make them uncomfortable, they’ll find people they feel more comfortable around. When you express overblown arrogance as a form of comic expression that is completely different. It shows that you understand social interactions enough to have fun with mocking arrogance.
Online dating is a huge business all over the world. There was a time when the only people looking for love online were geeky guys logged into their local bulletin board. But it’s 2015 now and 1987 was a long time ago. Today we do almost everything online. Shopping online is cheaper, as more merchants are within your reach and you don’t have to bother driving from store to store. You can also search for a new job online on any of a great number of online job search sites. Since the Internet works so well for shopping and job-hunting why not dating?
Today more and more people are meeting online and falling in love, or just having fun dating. These aren’t just computer geeks or lonely spinsters; there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in all places. You can sign on to any site and peruse the profiles. You’ll find there is a lot of attractive ladies, no mater what you find attractive. You’ll find educated women, career women, and overly made up Barbie dolls. Whatever you want, you can find it online.
Most of your most vocal critics of online dating can be found at your local singles bar. After a few overpriced drinks they are probably also complaining about the bar. But online dating has a lot of advantages over the local singles bar. When you go to the singles bar, if you are like most people you’ll be purchasing more that a few overpriced drinks. If you’d like something to drink while you are checking out online profiles or chatting online you can just get it from your home liquor cabinet or fridge at a fraction of the singles bar price.
Although you have to pay for some membership sites the cost is going to be far less than the cover charge at the singles bar if you go there regularly. When you are browsing profiles online most likely you’ll be sober and therefore you won’t have the clouded judgment that singles bars are notorious for. Your online dating account is also available for you 24/7 whenever you have a few minutes; the same cannot be said about the bar.
Online dating has several other advantages to other forms of dating. After you’ve been out of school a few years you probably settled in with a group of friends and they have been your friends for years. This is all fine and good except it does not leave a lot of opportunity to meet new people. Especially if you have been working for the same company for several years as well. Online dating allows you to date outside of your workplace or social circle.
Another advantage of online dating is that you get to choose your search criteria. Do you prefer short women or tall women? Is your preference curvy ladies or skinny ladies? Do you like to date women who are educated or not so educated? It’s all up to you.
Some may still speak ill of online dating, and maybe it isn’t for everyone. But if you are going to give it a shot be positive about it and try to have a good time with it. When you are acting like, or stating in your profile, that you are too good for online dating it only makes you look like an ass.
If I could only say one thing about sending inappropriate messages it would be this: DON’T!!
But if you are like most guys you’ll need a more in-depth explanation. I suspect that most guys send inappropriate messages is because they hope, or maybe even have convinced themselves to believe, that online dating is just a massive hook up meet market. Deluded into thinking a quick and easy hookup is just a few short keystrokes away may sound too good to be true, and that is because it is too good to be true. Sorry bro, it’s only that easy for gay guys.
Ashley Madison is a website created so married people could meet online and hook up in real life. After the site was hacked in the summer of 2015 it was determined that the ratio of men to women on Ashley Madison was more than five to one. They didn’t even have a means in place for a woman to have a paid account. It wasn’t like there were a few very exhausted women on the site either. The ‘women’ on the site were almost all fake profiles designed to capture email addresses, which would be spammed with ads for boner pills and the like. The point of the story is that women don’t go online looking for quick hook ups. Millions of guys were sucked in with the allure of easy sex, but it was all a mirage.
Before a woman meets up with you, even for the most casual of encounters she is going to have to feel safe around you. When your first message is the ever so witty, “Wanna Bone?” or something similarly endearing. You setting off a whole slew of creeper alarms in the back of her mind. Even if she is insatiably horny at the very minute she gets your message you’ll still have no chance. She is not comfortable with you and will not feel comfortable enough to hook up with you.
The first thing she’ll ask herself is what about her makes you think it is OK to message her for sex? She’ll wonder if you think she is easy or willing to sleep with any man that asks. This reflects back on her first impression of you. She’ll wonder if you are hooking up with several random women a week, which will make her wonder if you are sharing sexually transmitted diseases. Once again the words pervert and creeper come to mind. This may be sociologically conditioned by our culture but nonetheless this is the game and these are the rules we have to play by.
Should you find the dream of an easy hook up so tempting that you feel you absolutely must send a first message asking for sex, please do yourself a favor and create a fake profile for such shenanigans. Although online dating sites tend to have rules against such practices, you can easily create another email address and download some photos from Google images. You’ll be able to prove to yourself once and for all that messaging requesting sex does not work and not damage your own online (or real life) reputation.
Another good reason to avoid inappropriate messaging is that although you may not know the girl you are messaging, that is something that could change at any time. You also don’t know who she knows, who she is related to and who her circle of friends includes.
Imagine you send your sex request first message to a young lady you see online. She rejects your request with due haste. The next day is your company picnic. You feel the need to go to the company picnic because you’re up for a promotion and want to make a good impression. Your boss introduces you to his daughter who happens to look familiar. After a heated daughter-daddy chat your career is over.
A similar scenario could play out at other places in your life like your school, children’s school, or social circle. Before you know it you have a reputation as the sleazy creepy guy who propositions random women for sex on dating sites.
Some guys like the anonymousness of online dating. They can hide behind their computer and pretend it is all a video game. You don’t have to go out to a club and risk being rejected in person. But that does not mean that there is not a person at the other end of the messages that you send out. Don’t be a keyboard coward make a solid first impression. If you a decent to her, and she was obnoxious or rude to you it is OK to let her know and discontinue any further contact. But don’t be the first one to be an asshole.
Soliciting girls online for sex is not only inappropriate, it is just rude. If you think it is going to get you laid, it is not. It will only create a bad first impression in a situation where you could have easily made a much better impression.
When ladies are looking for a partner they are very concerned with social value. Will you enhance her social value? Do you have high social value? This is much more important to ladies than it is to men.
Inappropriate messaging displays a lack of social skills. It displays that you don’t really know what’s going on or how things work in social interactions with the opposite sex. Ladies are looking for a guy who gets social queues and understands the subtleties between men and women in social interactions. You may have physical looks and even money but if your lack of social skills has the potential to make her look bad she won’t want to have anything to do with you.
When you send inappropriate messages you are not demonstrating higher value. You are showing that you are as culturally awkward as Harry and Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber at the formal party with Aspen high society. You may not know it but it makes you an outcast. She may have found Dumb and Dumber amusing or even funny, but when you message her cold asking for sex she will be insulted, not amused.
There are a number of mistakes guys often make when it comes to online dating. Most are easily avoided or corrected. Some are just plain wrong assumptions based on adolescent hopes gone wild. Others are just common sense. Put these tips into practice, or more importantly stop making mistakes and you’ll see your results skyrocket.
Frank DiCarlo is a successful dating coach who provides dating advise to men all over the world. Frank has enhanced the lives of thousands with his insights on online dating for men. Frank DiCarlo is a former nightclub bouncer, computer programmer and database administrator who has used his knowledge of human interactions and database architecture to decode online dating. Frank loves educating and inspiring guys who are struggling with dating and teaching them to succeed and live the life of their dreams.
POF Mastery: The Simple Guide to Attracting Meeting and Dating the Women You Desire Online (Available in paperback, ebook & audiobook)
Thanks again for your support!