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When Butterflies Suffer

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WHEN

BUTTERFLIES

SUFFER

Rikus Kotze

To my son Noah,

Whose love gave me the gift

Of true life.

Life. Every human gets one. Life is a continuous process that never ends. It is constantly shaping, changing and moving forward with you in it. From the moment we are born this process starts to decay, about a million cells will die in your body by the time you have read this page. So birth is the beginning off death, its all linked and inescapable. Depressing ? No just fact. One fact of life we all want to ignore, or overlook. If we understand death and the process that we are all part of, only then we can truly live.

When you convince yourself that you are indestructible, will live forever that is the moment we stop appreciating live for the moment and the ego rules our existence. The process is followed by un -compassionate traits and a disrespect for the environment. You are one frame in the movie of life and time. Its up to you how this frame fill shape the movie you are in. Life is glorious, I truly think that it does not matter what happens to us it will be a greater loss not to have lived at all. So live life. And when life ends it merely moves from one dimension to another, as we are all made of nothing more than what the universe, every plant, every animal, every stone is made of, matter.

Matter is indestructible, as it dies of in one being or destroyed in a object it takes on the form and shape of another. When a tree burns to the ground it does not die, for us in its current form yes but the matter brakes up in heat, smoke and ash, the ash gets worked into the ground and fertilizes the soil, another plant or tree will grow that has some of the matter of the tree that is not there for us to see in it.

For me the same process happens when humans die. Their spirit or soul, which is also matter, merely moves to another dimension, and because we can’t see it there anymore, like the tree, it will also become part of other matter.

So if this process is never ending why do we suffer so much when we lose something or someone dear to us? Simply because we do not understand it. And with the lack of understanding, grief follows.

Grief is psychological, emotional, and physical changes that result from a devastating loss of meaning, dependent on a loving relationship.

The loss results in intense conflict between the need for an orderly world in a chaotic reality and an agonizing search for an explanation for the loss where there is none.

Traumatic losses confront order, what appears to be a basic belief of our culture that present the world is fair and just. The loss that is unfair or unjust can only be described as a loss of balance to what we perceive as normal.

We are raised to believe in a cause and effect society where good actions get rewarded and bad ones punished. It is this believe that makes us as parents ask why. I truly believe that a death of a child, parent, partner or lover is a mere random selection if life.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “random” thus:

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p<>{color:#000;}. Having no definite aim or purpose; not sent or guided in a particular direction; made, done, occurring, etc., without method or conscious choice; haphazard.

When we understand the principals of random selection in life it becomes clear that there are things that we can’t control and never will be able to. With this knowledge we can shift the suffering to acceptance, acceptances which becomes the final stage of grief.

So the search to as why this has happened to you must change to, why not me. What makes any of us so special that we will not be struck by grief and hardship, it is the one thing that forms us as humans, transcends our thinking and shift our reality, forces us to crawl out of our comfort zones and open our hearts to the world, the same world that has devastated us to the core.

I once read a story about a women that lost her son and was ridden with grief and despair and felt very alienated in the village she lived. She was so angry with the world that such a tragedy had to happen to her. One day one of the villagers told her she must go and see the head of the village and he will take away her suffering. She arrived at the masters house and told him her story, he said that she must go of and find him beans so he can make her bean soup to drink, and that this will relive her heartache. The women was very surprised that this was the cure and said to the man how can drinking soup that he makes relive her pain? He said to her that the beans that she must find must come from a family that has never suffered any heartache. Till this day the soup was never made.

Psychiatrist Elosabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 classified grief in into 5 stages.

Denial, anger, bargaining ( if only I did this is that ), depression and acceptance. These stages where originally observed with dying patients but later it was found that the same stages were present in experiencing the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, disease ext.

There were some studies done that discarded the idea that grief can be broken up into stages, for me theses stages are very real.

Each and every one of these stages will come to life on your journey of surviving utter grief, so by understanding where you are and acknowledging one stage from another you will start to see the progression towards acceptance and ultimate enlightenment and restoration of your human soul.

Because we are programmed for instant gratification, the notion of experiencing pain and suffering first before being rewarded the end result is a long and daunting thought. We all live a life where we do the easy things first and leave or sometimes forget the difficult ones. We are in constant battle with our brains and harts to only concentrate on the good, fun and pleasant things in live.

So I must warn you if you are the kind of person that looks for quick fixes threw drugs ext then this book is not for you, here you will learn about the long run, the process of waiting patiently for emotional relief on a daily basis over a period of time. But I can promise you this that what you will feel will be more real, but always think of it like this. …

If it did not hurt then how much did you really love or miss or care ext. By feeling this pain it signifies that you are alive and that you are human, embrace the pain, make it positive and say to yourself that this is proof of how much I loved and love.

Did you know that if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon then it will never fly? This is because when the butterfly struggles blood is pushed to certain parts of its wings that are crucial to flight. Therefore one has to struggle to become strong, to really life.

When April bends above me

And finds me fast asleep,

Dust need not keep the secret

A live heart died to keep.

When April tells the thrushes,

The meadow-larks will know,

And pipe the three words lightly

To all the winds that blow.

Above his roof the swallows,

In notes like far-blown rain,

Will tell the little sparrow

Beside his window-pane.

O sparrow, little sparrow,

When I am fast asleep,

Then tell my love the secret

That I have died to keep.

Sara Trevor Teasdale was born in St. Louis, Missouri, in 1884,

Poem to my boy

Our love burst into bloom

in the hours between eleven and quarter past two -

here I sit with you on the floor in love

Drowsy and content

Somewhere in the cold night

where I can see a shiny light

in the last hours of the dark

between midnight and the morning

At eleven your body was

the love and dreams in me

At midnight you were a circle of light

above my growing love

hanging between a father and son

At one your hair

was eternal beauty for my fingers

and your body like silk

your breathing like a sonnet

And now the morning has spilt itself

over the rim of my heart

At eight your body was gone

no love and dreams in me

At nine you were with a circle of angels

above my broken body

hung between pain and death

At one your hair

was eternally lost to my fingers

and your body cold

no breathing like a sonnet

And now the morning has spill itself

over the rim of my heart …….

Miss you my boy

Nag liedjie

Vandag in hierdie helder stilte dink ek net aan jou,

Treur ek soos die wilger, oor die waatie van my rou

Jy is soos n ster vir my ver en stil en rein

En my siel die donker water waar jou beeld in skyn

N.P van Wyk Louw

The wonder of life has bestowed itself upon me upon me, we are expecting a baby boy. The excitement for us and the whole family is so great that tears of joy rain down. I sit and wonder about the future, playing in the garden with my son, teaching him about life from changing a light bulb to explaining to the best of my abilities the creation of the universe and how special he is to be in it. I can already see us fishing together and as all proud dads one can imagine being his hero, his supper dad.

Everything takes on a new meaning in a instant, from my drive for making my business successful and the great sense of responsibility of being the best father in the word. Then the name searching starts and the preparations for this incredible little human about to enter our world. Its amazing how fatherly and motherly instincts just kick in, an how each has his and hers role to play.

The painstaking detail of getting his room perfect when he arrives from the hospital to mom-my treating her body over night like a precious and fragile cargo ship, transporting the greatest content in history. I have never seen a more gorgeous women in my life as Lynn being pregnant. She becomes more than just a women …she becomes a goddess.

What is he going to look like, will he have this of me or that of her. I lay awake at night with so many ideas and journeys we will go on and how we will experience life together from now on.

The nine months flew by and before I knew it we were on our way to the hospital with excitement that had no boundaries. The waiting is over and he will be in our arms in a couple of hours. The labour was a long one but the love that filed the room just blanketed the pain and the sense of knowing that something unbelievable was about to happen. Lynn ended up having a caesarean and down to the theatre we went.

When I scrubbed in with the doctors for the caesarean the paediatrician ask me how do I feel ….. I said it feels like I am going to the moon, in my mind we were astronauts preparing to deliver a boy like the world has not seen. I am sure every dad in the world feels like this before meeting their child. As a man you feel helpless but as the same time a sense if protection and pride that you had part in such a momentous event.

A person’s life seems pretty empty before this day, when the feeling of absolute surrender of your own life for that of your child comes over you, then only have you lived.

The first year was a challenge to say the least, with sleep deprivation and work to juggle one becomes very tired and some times despondent. This feeling will disappear in an instant when he looks at you …….aaahhh that feeling of love is so great, it I so thick in the air that you can reach out and touch it.

How many morning I use to drive to work and tears will role of my face from being touched by an angel and drowning in love. The saying that you love something so much that it hurts …..well its true when you have a child. All the trees in the word that can make all the paper in the world would not be sufficient to explain the feeling.

The smiles, the smell….o that smell, there is nothing like that on earth, it crawls into every sense of your body and with every beat of your heart it is like flowers being planted in your soul. That skin that is so soft and perfect, knowing that he is made from your blood one thinks how is it possible to create something so perfect.

Now close your eyes for a minute and imagine all of this gone in a heartbeat…..

This is my story of losing my son and the life long journey without him and how it changes you as a human and the gift that was lost and the gifts received. My wish to the reader is to realize what is important in life and what not, and by letting you into my world and making you see how utter grief can unveil the true meaning of live, and I wish this truth for each and every one of you without suffering. One does not have to suffer to this extend to enlighten the soul.

24thJune 2009 Live is bliss

I am walking my boy threw another night of teething pains and slight fever; I gave him a suppository at 7 pm to drop the fever. Tired and usually frustrated for another night of sleep deprivation this evening is different. I am calm and don’t mind this big boy of 13kg for a 16 month old lying on my arms for hours, even the burning in my arms start to disappear from the walking up and down signing Amazing Grace. The one song he could not resist falling asleep to. I think it was the amber in my voice that did the trick.

This calm feeling was fuelled by the knowledge that Lynn threw her back out and could not assist me, and I knew i was the “ last line of defence “ for the night.

One O clock came and his fever was 37 and teething as usual did not preside. I ended up giving him some Stopain to bring down the fever. We ended in the lounge watching a movie, with him calmly sitting between my legs. I kissed the top of his head repeatedly and the fever was gone. It was a cold night, about 17deg in his room and about 15 in the house. At 3:30 he fell asleep on my lap in font of the TV, to my relive I carried him to his room where he woke up before I could put him down, scared that he might awake completely I reached for a tea bottle which he welcomed with open arms and finished completely.

He turned to his right and fell asleep while I stood by his side for 5 min to make sure he is sleeping soundly. I always knew when he would sleep well by listening to his breathing and his foot moving back and forth, just like his mom does before she goes into a peaceful state of rest. I turn and left his room to sleep……………

***

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When Butterflies Suffer

So I must warn you if you are the kind of person that looks for quick fixes threw drugs ext then this book is not for you, here you will learn about the long run, the process of waiting patiently for emotional relief on a daily basis over a period of time. But I can promise you this that what you will feel will be more real, but always think of it like this. … If it did not hurt then how much did you really love or miss or care ext. By feeling this pain it signifies that you are alive and that you are human, embrace the pain, make it positive and say to yourself that this is proof of how much I loved and love. Did you know that if you help a butterfly out of its cocoon then it will never fly? This is because when the butterfly struggles blood is pushed to certain parts of its wings that are crucial to flight. Therefore one has to struggle to become strong, to really life.

  • Author: Rikus Kotze
  • Published: 2016-01-08 20:05:07
  • Words: 19481
When Butterflies Suffer When Butterflies Suffer