Copyright 2016 Mario V. Farina
Shakespir Edition, License Notes
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Mario V. Farina
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Twenty-Four Home-Groan Puns
On March 14, 2016, I published book of puns in Shakespir entitled Read My Best Puns To Boggle Your Mind. In this book you’ll find twenty-four more. As with the last batch, these puns are originals, ones I invented. The last batch treated you nice; the puns were intended to be funny. The ones in this book are mean; they are intended to make you groan. If you didn’t read the ones in ten last collection, I invite you to do it now. The are free.
Susan needed to make more money so she decided to learn how to make candy. At first, nothing worked. Her bonbons bombed, her fruit loops drooped, and her peanut clusters crushed. She was in despair. But she persisted, and, at last, she learned. And, she made a mint!
2-A Fowl Story
It is a known fact that the famous Sherlock Holmes once spent some time in jail as a consequence of one of his adventures. In order to solve The Case of the Churlish Chicken, he had gone into a poultry store to pick up a special kind of fowl. Unfortunately, he was in a great hurry and left without paying for the bird. The store owner summoned the police and demanded that they arrest the distinguished looking gentleman with the cape on. Which they did.
There is much anxiety over UFOs these days. There are encounters of the first, second, and third kind. Many of these encounters are certainly mysteries, but some sightings can easily be explained. Just the other day, for example, a flight the pigeons went by. This was seen on the radar screens and there was a great deal of alarm. It had not been anything to worry about, however. No one had gotten hurt although there had been a great many encounters of the bird kind.
George loved to drink tea. He would come to visit and stay for several cups. He had an insatiable thirst for tea. Eventually, George became such a pest that we decided to “fix him.” In order to cure him of all desire for tea, we decided to drown him with the stuff. One day, when he came over, we goaded him into drinking ten pots of tea. As he staggered off, we all laughed at how clever we had been in putting ten pots of tea in a tea pest.
5-An Annoying Ringing
On the hour, every hour, Fred would tap his knuckles with a mallet. This would cause a loud bonging sound. They after day, he did this, and when people couldn’t stand it any longer, they signed a petition demanding that Fred stop ringing his hands!
6-The Coffee Plantation
When in South America, I enjoy visiting my friend, Pedro Gonzales. He owns a superb coffee plantation. Whenever I visit Pedro, he loves to take me across his coffee grounds.
7-The Stone Faces
One of the great stone faces on Mount Rushmore was slipping. Some sort of wedge had to be found in a hurry to stop the slippage until repairs could be made. Nothing they tried worked until one of the workers brought a huge grandfather clock. The case was made of solid oak. This item was used to stop the slippage and it was done just in the neck of time. It was fortunate indeed that a clock had been found that could stop a face.
8-The Space Kid
In early experiments with space travel, they put a two-year-old child in a spaceship and sent it whirling around the world. The toddler didn’t like the experience and cried all the way. Everyone who had a radio could hear him cry and felt sorry for him. To this day, this kid is referred to as the tot who was heard around the world.
9-Where Is One When You Need It?
He was a cowpoke and an amateur inventor. One time he invented a cowboy boot with a phone built into the heel. He felt that now he would always have a phone nearby, no matter what emergency might arise. He made several of these devices in various styles and stashed them all over his house. One day an emergency came up. He needed a phone real bad. But, would you believe it? When he needed it most, he couldn’t find a single telephone boot.
10-Who Will Wear Them?
The buyer for a colony of bees buzzed off to a fashion show and purchased a lot of new clothes for the bees in the hive. The bee made terrible choices and none of the other bees would wear the clothing. “Oh, who will where these new clothes? Who will wear them?” lamented the bee who had done their purchasing. “Left the buyer bee wear!” responded the other bees in unison.
The doctor was famous for plastic surgery. I went to see him. He took me into his private salon where there were samples of body parts including lips, ears, shins, etc. And there were lots of customers examining them. One person was deciding what kind of chin he needed, another was looking at ears. In a corner of the room, I saw a person surreptitiously picking his nose.
12-Maybe Just A Little One
They were walking through the woods in Holland. “Gretchen, can I have a kiss,” he asked. “No, Hans,” she replied. They walked a little more and he repeated his request. “No, Hans,” she said. Suddenly, she stumbled and her shoe came off. He picked it up. “Wooden shoe?” he asked. “Well,” she answered, “now that I’ve thought it over, maybe just a tiny little kiss.”
Albert had heard that turkey meat is a good food for losing weight. It’s nutritious, low in calories, tastes good, etc. But it has to be ice cold in order to work. He tried the diet for six months but didn’t lose an ounce; in fact, he gained weight. Finally, one morning, Albert was heard to exclaim in disgust, “this diet doesn’t work! As of today, I quit cold turkey.”
All the ghosts in the world were having a conference at Spooky Hollow Hotel in the Catskills. Most of the guests were going around taking ghastly pictures of each other. One ghost asked a friend to take a picture of him. “I’d love to take a picture of you,” the friend replied, “but my camera’s battery is running down. The spirit is willing but the flash is weak!”
15-Taking The Groan Away
He told dreadful puns, which usually elicited groans from his listeners. The louder people groaned, the better he liked it. After a while, the populace took to calling him “groan man.” Ultimately, the awful pun-telling got so bad there was no choice but to surgically remove the pun center from his brain. This was done. He took it hard and wept bitterly. Truly, the ordeal had been enough to make a groan man cry.
This morning I was in the dumps. The fact is that I had been in the dumps all week. There was nothing good happening at all. I was very sad. A change was due. Then, suddenly, it happened! While I was in the dumps, I found a refrigerator and a range that were in pretty good shape and took them home! Finally, I had found something good while I had been in the dumps!
17-The Famous General
The famous General died and was cremated. It was desire to take his ashes to a prestigious cemetery for burial. There was to be a ceremony where the president of the United States was to speak. On the appointed date, it was found that there were no planes with which to transport the ashes. Something had to be done. At the last minute, someone thought of using a helicopter. One was found and the day was saved. Someone should have thought of the helicopter sooner for it is well-known that the early bird gets the urn.
I believe in reincarnation. I’ve experienced it myself. Once I was a bird; another time, a goat. I’m a human now and elderly. I’m due for another transformation. There are signs indicating this will happen soon. Lately, I’ve taken to the grassy hills and have enjoyed running around. I haven’t had so much fun since I was a kid!
19-Why Wasn’t It Eaten?
I opened the package of chocolate chips and was about to sink my teeth into one when it cried out, “don’t eat me!” I was so startled, I dropped the cookie. I picked it up and was about to bite into it, when again, it exclaimed, “don’t eat me!” As before, I dropped it. This happened over and over until, finally, I put the chocolate chip back in the box. I never did eat it. Now, wasn’t that a smart cookie?
I used to be afraid of driving on ice. Last year I solve the problem. I bought a car with four-wheel drive. From that time, I was no longer afraid of ice. I have to admit I was also afraid of walking on ice. It took some ingenuity to solve this problem. Being an amateur inventor, I made a pair of boots that had two heels on each foot. When there is ice on the ground, I wear them. Now, I’m always safe because these boots give me four-heel drive.
Speaking of unidentified flying objects, a fleet of tiny spaceships arrived recently from Mars. The ships and their crews were so small that they were able to make headquarters on the handle of an axe. The little group of explorers was spotted by a child who decided to capture them with a butterfly net. She rushed to the scene in order to do this but was just a few seconds too late. Just as she arrived, she found that the space travelers were flying off the handle.
It was my birthday. There was a surprise party, gifts, and a huge cake in the middle of the room. I saw that the cake had a hinged top and, therefore, I expected that it would open and a beautiful girl would step out. Suddenly, the top began to move and I waited with great expectation. However, instead of a girl, a gentleman, elegantly dressed in a tuxedo, came out. He raised a glass and said, “Happy Birthday to you, sir!” It was all right, I suppose. The party and gifts were nice. But I was a little disappointed in the pop-up toaster.
It was a company that produced a truly superior product as a butter substitute. Unfortunately, the company went under some time ago when it received an order for ninety thousand pounds of the stuff. One of the employees had made a mistake in the preparation and much of the order could not be delivered promptly. The error was fatal because the company had not allowed enough margarine for error.
24-Naming The Season
Few people know that a time of the year was named in honor of Pocahontas. She was famous, of course, for having saved the life of John Smith. But there is more to the story. She was a wizard at adding numbers. She could add with amazing speed. This was discovered on an unusually mild November day in 1620. From that time, in her honor, a warm spell in November became known as Indian Summer.
On March 14, 2016, I published book of puns in Smashwords entitled Read My Best Puns To Boggle Your Mind. In this book you'll find twenty-four more. As with the last batch, these puns are originals, ones I invented. The last batch treated you nice; the puns were intended to be funny. The ones in this book are mean; they are intended to make you groan. If you didn't read the ones in the last collection, I invite you to do it now. The are free.