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Trudging Through 24

TRUDGING THROUGH 24

BOOK SUMMARY.

Follow me through the adventures of life from being chased down by a cow to being best friends with a goat.

As I brave the cold outside world of being a young adult.

Broke but still pretty fun…

I tried to update the story daily with something fun for you to laugh at.

And of course most of them are exaggerated. Chuckle.

What is the fun in reality?.

People always wish, men especially that women came with a manual, well the secret is ice-cream and chocolate,, find out more.

Hope the tips and my experiences help you and make you laugh.

Contents

CHAPTER ONE.

SIMPLE FACTS

CHAPTER TWO.

THE MAD MAN

CHAPTER THREE.

HOPE.

CHAPTER FOUR.

UPCOUNTRY.

CHAPTER FIVE.

POSSESSION.

CHAPTER SIX.

LONG LIST.

CHAPTER SEVEN.

ADVENTURE.

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST.

CHAPTER NINE.

CHRISTMAS TREE STEALING ENDEVOURS.

CHAPTER TEN.

BULL CHASE.

CHAPTER ELEVEN.

RAMBO JUNIOUR.

CHAPTER TWELVE.

BLUES.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

CHRISTMAS.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

THROWBACK.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN.

VISIT.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN.

GOODBYE 2016

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

SAD.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.

KICKASS PROJECT.

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE.

CHAPTER TWENTY.

PAJAMA TRIBUTE.

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.

ADVICE

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.

CONNECTION.

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE.

EPIPHANY.

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.

EMBARRASING MOMENTS.

CONCLUSION.

PEOPLE’S CHOICE.

WE WERE NOT RAISED RIGHT.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

LIFE PHILOSOPHY. 

CHAPTER ONE

SIMPLE FACTS.

There was one article published that being twenty four is the hardest part of life. I am inclined to believe that article. After all the article was written by a scientist and science is never wrong.

The one thing I wish I was taught when I was younger was that no one will ever save you. You have to save yourself.

People will let you down and break your heart.

It is going to happen and when you are down there, they will give you advice that you do not want to listen too.

You are not the first to go through this.

He was not worth it.

Like that is going to help with the pain. I know he was not worth it why do you think am coiled up here bawling my eyes out like a baby on PCP? Dumbass.

So today right here right now I am here to tell you that it will get better. I know I know I am one of the dumbasses.

It has to get better or what is even the point in the pain anyway? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn from this? What is the point to life? What is my purpose?

When I was sixteen I knew what I wanted to be, exactly what I was going to be.

I was going to be a neuroseurgeon like Ben Carson, ok maybe I do not know the correct spelling for neurosurgeon that does not mean I would not have made a damn good one. Probably I would have been the very best. The field of medicine lost a great doctor the day I did not pass my exam enough to join the medical school. There loss. Or so I keep telling myself.

The moment I turned eighteen years old all my problems started.

I just wish someone could take me back to that moment I stepped out of high school with all the knowledge I have now. Trust me the world has not been a soft teacher. It’s like the aspect of teach her and let her learn at her own pace left when I was a child. Right now it’s more like teach her and flog her until she learns the lesson.

Adulthood; I am rolling my eyes right now.

When I was a child I had such simple goals.

I wanted to be an adult so that I could get the drumstick part of the chicken. That part was reserved for the adults, us kids were served the wings and if people were many, legs. Another reason I wanted to be an adult was so that I could get to put as much sugar in tea as possible. My mum used to put sugar when she was cooking so no matter how little she put that was all you were getting. Touching the sugar dish resulted in flogging of a lifetime. I used to feel like I was being punished and given tasteless tea.

Right now I drink tea with no sugar and it is my choice. That says something about life ironies.

So we have come to the decision that I did not want so much as a kid, if you would have given me ten chicken drumsticks and a bag full of sugar I would be a very happy kid.

When I was in my teens all I wanted was to be a doctor and I also failed to achieve that so there is that. But now that I hear doctors are on strike for poor pay I am like maybe it was for the best.

What has the world come to when doctors and pilots are striking? Those were the jobs we were told as kids to work hard for. When you were found sketching out a drawing in the corner somewhere it was torn in pieces and a science book shoved in your hand. Like drawing is bad, reading science to be doctor good. Now to see all the doctors running and throwing stones at the government I am like you are supposed to be the smartest of us. What’s up with that?

Okay I am rumbling back to the point.

What was I even talking about?

Ooh right, the terrors of being a twenty four year old girl or is it woman?

That’s even confusing. Just like everything about the age itself.

Okay so I was saying that this was the age I thought I would be graduating with a degree in Engineering. Very fancy right? I thought so too.

When I did not get into medicine I thought hey why not go for the second best. Engineering. It did not matter that it had two of the things that scared me most in life. Wires and electricity.

I was never a curious kid; not in any aspect of life. When mum said do not watch the soap opera in the television when I am gone I watched cartoon until she came back. Okay maybe I peeked a little but I absolutely did not watch it.

Dad said do not touch my stuff when I am away I would just rearrange it so that I could wipe the table. But whatever I saw when I was cleaning does not count. Okay maybe I was nosy but I was never curious about how the television worked or even the principle behind how the iron box worked.

As long as it worked I was happy and my solution to all the not working stuff? Hit it till it works. With four years of education tucked under my belt in engineering school that is still my number one policy. Works like a charm.

Look at me rumbling again.

So we have established am not really a good student.

Twenty four was supposed to be my year of graduating and getting my first job and moving out on my own and being my own woman. Then life happened. And it always happens in order.

• First on the list, after high school there are boys. There is just that one boy who has also finished high school and he loves you so much he is going to build you a house. You will have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after. You are happy, he is happy. Clouds are flouting all over and everything is rainbows and unicorns and ice-cream. Nothing can ever beat ice-cream. I am here to tell you Bullshit. It’s all bullshit.

He will get your virginity maybe even give you a kid if you are unlucky. Then he will skip out on you. Ooh some stick around, for a year or so then like smoke gone. I know its harsh honey but reality sucks just got to get used to it now.

Then from there your life goes downhill and it always goes down in three ways. People love having options so I am giving you some;

1) You love the guy he leaves you not now maybe, but soon. Look out it’s always around the corner.

2) He gets you pregnant and leaves or uses the kid as an excuse to come back to your life after he left and be like that is my kid I have a right to be in his life. Then he messes up your life for six months then he leaves again. Okay why was this not option one?

3.) You realize the greatest thing in life is sex and you want to have it as often as you can with as many men as you can.

Ha-ha none of this happened to me, especially not number three. Wink wink.

Anyway from that its downhill you go and before you know it you are asking yourself who am I? What are my principles? When did my life get here?

• Second on the list are people and parents. They have expectations, they have advice and most important they know more than you do. They are great; especially our parents come on without them we will not be here.

Okay what was I talking about? The landlord came by with a bunch of forms for me to fill.

Landlords. Forms. Bureaucracy. Triple eye roll.

If I deviate from the topic again bear with me.

Okay parents. They are great people. They have feed you, clothed you and put a roof over your head for twenty four years. If you are still living at home raise your hands. I am. Points to them when you get home drunk in the morning and you pretend you are not drunk they believe you. Or pretend to believe you. Come on they were not born yesterday.

Parents are great all round.

But then in comes the expectations.

And more expectations.

Especially if you are a good kid and passed your exams. I am like why is life punishing me for being smart. I did everything right, I woke up at four took a cold shower and slept very late just so I could finish that assignment.

Okay this was before I realized that there are romantic novels, I did all that but this time just to finish that one more book. Ha-ha.

Novels are the greatest thing on earth. And coffee is great too. Novels plus coffee equals pure bliss.

Where was I again? This book is as confused as me.

Okay so I did everything right and achieved all I could in life at that time. I joined engineering school and people be looking at me like you are doing engineering that is so awesome you are so smart. Parents are looking at you like you are going to get a really good job. Cha-Ching. All our problems are over my daughter is smart.

I am like hello guy’s school is kicking my butt all the way through Sunday. I do not even know if I will graduate in the first place. All the fails I see on the notice board when I go to look at my results can make a girl blind.

And people be like she is going to get a first class honor work at Safaricom be rich and live in some really big building. You are so great.

I should point it out to them that there are no jobs in Kenya; some people tarmac for five years before they are employed. Others end up counting cars for twelve hundred or twelve dollars a day. I did not totally do that recently. Sigh.

As a people pleaser all I want to do is do better be better, but I can’t. Not that I do not want to. Maybe if I want to I can study more so that my grades would not have so many fails. Sigh.

Someone hide me in there country.

• Third thing on their list is money and odd jobs; they literally run away from you and you have got to be creative to make even a little. You are grown up now so no one gives you money anymore for small things. Ever.

You want that pretty pink perfume that is just 500 shillings? Isn’t it just pretty? We all want it, deal with it, you are not getting it unless you raise your own money. And trust me when you work for that money you will not buy a perfume. Too painful. So it ends up being a full cycle. Life. Sigh.

You hear people have stolen millions even billions and you are like where have this people got all this money from? I also want to steal some please. I do not have money for dinner and I do not know the last time I had some water. Am so thirsty and some idiot goes ahead to steal millions and billions of taxpayer’s money!

What really pisses me off is that you hear doctors have gone on strike. People are dying in hospitals and new born babies are dying as soon as they are born. They are innocent they did not do anything to deserve what they are going through and you find some idiot stole health care money and am like really fool. Really!

You steal money the doctors do not get paid a new born child dies. You killed that baby. You actually strangled them. You steal money; new equipment not delivered an old man fighting for life gets dead. You are a murderer.

You monster.

Then the people’s choice seat there and be like we are looking into it. You are looking into crap.

You are crap.

The opposition be like; we told you so your government is crap.

I am like; we know you know. Do something about it don’t just stand there and do nothing,

And opposition be like; they choose.

We know we are stupid, you know we are stupid. Help us before we decide to help our self.

Government. Eye roll.

Politics. Triple eye roll.

Just look at that adorable face you killed.

Please do not come for me at my door. I have security cameras. (Laughing like it’s a conspiracy.)

I love the truth.

Okay where was I? Am so sorry I got sidetracked.

I was giving you advice on how to go through the most difficult age on earth.

Okay those are the three major points you need to navigate that if you manage this life would be better. Find a way I do not believe in much but I do believe in you. You are a champion. Okay am done for today see you tomorrow.

Sorry to some famous writer who said I had to get to ten pages a day I got tired and am hungry. Tullos. Is that even how that is spelled? Who cares? Food and movies await my return. I never learn. Sigh.

Okay I went to buy food and I followed some mad man home. Tell you all about it tomorrow. Goodnight.

CHAPTER TWO.

THE MAD MAN.

All I want to make my life perfect right now is a liter of ice-cream and a big packet of crisps. You know those packets that should come with warning labels like; finish me and your tongue will pay. I would seat on the cold floor on this hot day and just gorge myself on all of it. Just delicious saltiness mixed with strawberry and vanilla goodness. These are the small pleasures in life. Sigh.

Okay so I was tell you how I followed some mad man home yesterday. Okay I actually do not believe he was mad, much anyway, but he was definitely drunk. I do not know his name or even where he came from but I needed someone to carry water up two flights of stairs. When he was done I basically just paid him and he left. But trust me I was clutching so hard onto my pepper spray and did not let it down until I had escorted him back to the gate and locked it behind him.

I am not paranoid in any sense but I have just watched all the episodes of Criminal Minds and this is how all the episodes start. The damn girl lets the man into her house and ends up with a smile on the throat naked bound to the damn sink. Nop, not me.

Okay so here is the back-story. I live in a large estate in the capital city of Kenya, Nairobi, but for some reason I do not have flowing water.

The elephants in the forests have rivers, hell even the king of the jungle drinks occasionally and bathes rarely in flowing water. But for some reason me a sane rational and smart girl in the centre of my country, do not have flowing water. Hell the animals are better off.

This lack of water has something to do with the government releasing water to our taps once a week or is it a year? And I will be sitting at home watching the tap praying let today be the day I beg ohh.

Okay there I reverted to my Nigerian self. Can you imagine me as a Nigerian with that entire accent and most of all those things they tie on their heads. Mind blown.

So where was I; I was explaining the water situation in my neighborhood. So basically I have to buy water with a lot more money than it is actually worth and pay drunken mad people to carry it up the stairs because apparently I am not superwoman. Huge shock.

I wonder what superwoman would do if she lived in my flat for a month. Will she be holed up in the house like I do? Sleep most of the days away like I do or will she leave the house only when she has to? As I ask the questions I am smart enough to know the answer is no. She is amazing am sure on the first day she will fly around and look after other people. Then she will go face those fat lazy people who work for the water company and be like; “I want water in the area in the next two hour or I shall be back.”

Make those poor suckers scamper to do her bidding with just a glare. It will be good for them as all they do is seat there and use tax payers’ money to buy range rovers. And as if that is not enough they steal from us. Idiots.

As I was saying maybe the running around will help them lose all that fat and cellulite they gained by seating pretty and binge eating our money. It’s actually hilarious this picture in my head they be like “Money sweet, money.” Just like the hulk. You monsters. Leave a little for the little people.

Okay where did I get lost again? What was I even talking about? Wink.

One day you shall hear that your favorite writer aka me has been carried away between four men into a black range rover with tinted windows to a place unknown. When that happens remember me kindly for wherever I will be I will be swearing vehemently and totally denying ever writing this. Hey if am going to die at least let me die for a cause. Ha-ha. Just saying.

Do those things happen or have I watched way too many movies? Speaking of movies when will the next Fast and The Furious be released. I feel like I have been seated at the edge of my seat for years counting my toes just waiting for them. I want to see all those bulging muscles as people jump out of airplanes. Can you believe they actually drove a car out of a plane? Mind blown.

The first time I saw it I was sitting on the edge of my seat like God please let them make it. Lord please I love them let them not crush. When they made it on the ground safely I actually screamed and jumped. Point to note do not jump and scream in a movie theater people will look at you like you are crazy. I swear I am perfectly normal.

I love three things about Fast and the Furious one hot men The Rock, Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham and last but not least The Rock. Ooh did I mention Dwayne Johnson twice my bad. Blushing.

But that is one man I would like to climb. Just saying. Blushing.

Imagine if he is that big how big are his unmentionables. Blushing again.

Okay I veered off point into the dreamland. I am one person I know who at twenty four still calls penis unmentionables. Lynn grow up you are not a child. For long anyway. My blue hair begs to differ.

Okay back on point the second thing I love is the guns. Hot men plus guns equals’ fantasy land. Lalala. You are like if he can handle that piece of machine that way imagine how well he can handle you. Again I am not thinking of The Rock. Giggling.

Third thing I like is the action. Cars are crushing, planes exploding, people hanging off buildings, people being hunted by drones and surviving. Love love love love.

I know men reading this are like you forgot the hot chicks and the cars. Do not worry my friend this movie has it all. I just love it so much I would marry it.

I swear if a guy gets down on his knees and asks me to marry him and on the background Paul Walker is beating the crap out of the mercenary I would say yes. It is not important who I say yes too. Smiling.

Anyway we have established that at 24 I love Fast and the Furious and I follow drunken mad men home.

Okay so I am a girl or a woman. Aar what is it I do not know. But basically am trying to point out the fact that I also love romance movies and novels. A novel more than movies but there is just this one movie that did it for me this 2016. Me before You. Swoon.

That movie is awesome. It has a lot of bright colors and the fact that it starts with the main actress working in a bakery is just drool. Okay I have a love hate relationship with cakes so when I saw her in the bakery I was already in love with the movie. By the end I was crying so hard I fell asleep crying. Why did he kill himself? Did he not love her enough?

Yet I know in my heart he made the right choice not wanting to saddle her with the responsibility of caring for him. And call me a critic or a skeptic I especially love the fact that he left her money, a lot of money in the end. When she was reading the letter and he said I left you a substantial amount I felt my inner mind say Cha-Ching.

I know am a bad person someone is dead and am thinking of money. But so are you right now. Ha-ha.

It was an awesome movie you should try it sometime. The movie touched my inner 24 year old heart. Trust me not so many things touch that heart except cake, crisps, ice-cream and the Rock in that order. Sorry Dwayne food is life.

Okay so going around the house singing and marching “Halleluiah Halleluiah Halleluiah amen” is the definition of boredom. I am the definition of boredom. When had my life come to this? I used to be the life of the party. I used to have lots to do; now I just sit around the house sewing notes on pillows. Sometimes I even write on the carpet with lipstick.

I need to figure out what to do so that my 24th year on earth so as not to waste as the previous twenty three years I have lived before.

Just a question who invented doing laundry and why did they hate me so much? Why can’t we just put on clothes and throw them away when we are done and buy new ones? Think of how better life would be. Or better yet buy gasoline and just burn it all.

I guess today was my one day in the year the water finally came in the taps and am scrabbling to fill anything I can get my hands on. Nothing is safe even the spoons are being filled just hope they are up to the task. Too bad am travelling tomorrow for a month. Does water go bad by any chance? Definitely hope not. 

CHAPTER THREE.

HOPE.

Okay so yesterday I was lazy and wrote only three pages, the founding writers would be so ashamed of me. Anyway today is a bright morning I tried to wake up early and exercise but my body just refused to cooperate. So of course I skipped that for a good cup of tea with loads of sugar. I am so responsible.

Okay what was I talking about before some annoying woman called me?

Ooh yah I just wanted you to know it is a beautiful day and you should start it with a lot more enthusiasm. Do not be like me sleeping in; in the end you feel like shit. You should seize the day and make it work for you in the best possible way. That is what I am going to do with what is left of today.

First am going to visit my friend in the hospital; she just had surgery and I do not know how to take it. I have never had anyone close to me be admitted in the hospital so this trauma is real. Yet today is not about me it’s about her and what she needs. Hope I can be there for her in the best possible way. I will report in with you on the state of the hospital when am done there. It is said to be the biggest and best hospital in East Africa. Hope they are up to the praise. Not.

Okay so I went and on my way home in the bus was like a cloud of sadness surrounding us all. For me I was happy my friend was okay and being discharged. Some woman beside me was grinning like a fool because she had just gotten her first kid. Lucky fool.

Yet there was that edge to my happiness. What touched me the most was the people crying holding onto the fence because they lost someone they loved so much. As I left I made it a point to tell everyone I know how much I love them and treasure them. If I forgot you, I love you and treasure you too.

The hospital was okay and clean; to hold that many people and be that clean, am going to give them an okay. Yet it’s the repressive air that hangs around that gets to you. The chilled air that sends ripples of fear down your spine. The look of total misery on the person on the bed next to you gets to you. It’s dejecting just listening to screams of pain and total misery. Yet today is totally not about me so am going to recount my friends story.

She had an inflamed appendix and had to go in for surgery. We are so happy she made it through and is okay. Makes us believe that no matter what with just enough support and encouragement we can overcome.

As she recounted what she had been through tears burn at the back of my eyes. The pain of even standing up, her inability to eat and having tubes shoved down her stomach to clear it.

So many times we think life is all about us. Today right this moment I want you to take a second and thank God you are okay. If you are reading this and you are not okay I just want to tell you there is hope. Hold on, just hold on.

Pray for that old woman who can’t get up to go the toilet and has to take a piss through tubes, pray for that man who was minding his business and was attacked by robbers. Also pray for that woman who was just okay till she felt that lump on her breast. Just single stroke incidence that changes our life forever.

You do not know what tomorrow holds so live now. I beg ooh.

I am back to my Nigerian accent. Blushing.

……………………..

So the cheesiest thing happened when I was walking home. I was strolling down the streets of Nairobi, with as much as you can stroll with a thousand people pressing on you to move, I hear a Merry Christmas song. Am like dude its 7th spare us the theatrics. We know Christmas is coming, hell our pockets know Christmas is coming. It’s like money hears the word Christmas and is on red alert like I gotta outrun this shit. No one is using me to buy presents or those stupid ass decorations.

Mmmmh I refuse and am gone. And that my friend is how you end up celebrating Christmas on a couch with popcorns alone. You cannot be that cousin who always goes to parties without presents. Sigh.

Ooh how I love Christmas.

As I pointed out earlier the streets of Nairobi are always crowded and am like where do you all come from? And it’s like everybody is always in a hurry to go somewhere.

I am going to the supermarket to buy tomatoes let me hurry.

I came to town to window shop I gotta hurry.

I am like calm the f*** down and enjoy life. You are not in competition with the world and if it were to leave you behind trust me you would not have woken up.

Anyway when you come to my country be ready to hurry the hell up even if you are going nowhere. Like most of us here. Chuckle.

Sometimes I wish I could switch my brain off for some time and just not think for awhile. It’s just Bzzzzz all the time.

CHAPTER FOUR.

UPCOUNTRY.

Okay so I told you I travelled and had to spend almost nine hours in a bus pretending am not uncomfortable. Or did I even mention I was to travel? I swear am twenty four and I forget things like an old woman.

Hey I travelled.

Told you.

I like to travel at night so that by the time I get to where am going I slept through it all and its morning. The start of another beautiful day started in bed. Or is it chair? Potato potato.

You get the reference right? Like two people can say potato the different ways but it’s still a potato.

Anyway I woke up to a lot of fresh air sneezing like crazy.

What you have to understand here when you say you are upcountry it really just means dirt roads and no electricity. More importantly it means those places on the map the government just gloss over. Water is still fetched from the river and sometimes we resort to mass bathing in the river. Imagine all those naked bodies lined up in the river scrambling for water before it gets dirty. Good times.

My grandfather was a smart man I thank God for that. I guess smartness runs in the family. I am not bragging or anything. Blushing. Totally bragging.

He built my grandma a huge house and a pump for water so that she does not have to carry water from the river. The one thing he forgot about before he passed on was electricity.

Ooh grandpa thou has no light.

But not to worry I am here just give me four years and I will rectify the situation. Anyway for now am in the darkness (it’s daytime) watching the green trees and grass imagining; where can I cause mischief?

I will be back when I do to tell you all about it.

Thus life. Blushing. English.

***

When I went out to look for mischief I forgot this is the kind of place mischief just finds you no matter where you hide. When I left you a little bit over two hours ago I started cleaning up the house. My grandma lives alone and my sister is a kid so basically the house was not clean. I like systems and I like knowing where everything is so I started cleaning and arranging stuff. When I was done I went to get water from the pump and I had to carry four twenty liters jerry cans full and a basin on my head. When I was done I looked like I had gone through a wet T-Shirt contest. I would like to think I won that contest hands down. Ha-ha.

When I was done I think the top of my head was flat and I was sweating like a bull through the rodeo. Not literally. But close. You can imagine me panting and hemming in wet clothes as the sun beats down my back. So not pretty.

After that I decided to take a bath and since I was such a city girl I decided to carry my basin of water to the bathroom instead of bathing in the river with the herd. Hehe I called them herd. If you saw it too you would call it herd too. If you want to see a picture of how it actually looks like when a bunch of women bath outside in the nude email me I will send it to you. I will give you my email address. Hell why wait I can add it here.

Two minutes later after browsing through my photo gallery.

Oops seems I have lost it somewhere but email me I will hook you up. Wink.

Anyway now you get why I could not bathe outside being a city slicker and all. I was busy taking of my clothes in the outside bathroom when the door swung wide open. I was like it’s the wind no big deal, shut the door and went on to take off the rest of my clothes. When I turned around the door was open again and I was starting to get a bit irritated but I was not mad yet. The wind keeps blowing the door open, I thought. It happened two more times before I realized that it was actually not the wind but a goat knocking the door open every time. Not believing it I pulled it close and trust me a minute later it was bumped open again.

I was looking at a stupid goat that seemed to be grinning like; “I just exposed you, what you gonna do now.”

Then it ran away. It had made a game out of it, I close the door it bumps it open and since there was not latch it was pretty easy. I tried closing it five more times before I gave up and decided to hurry the hell up before I show people things they have never seen. Might turn kids blind.

Anyway least to say I did not rinse well and was pissed off at a goat.

As I hurried out of the bathroom with a towel tied around my waist I turned to look at my nemesis one last time. And I swear it smirked at me like; “I can see the soap behind your ear. You did not rinse well.”

I almost shouted at it that whose fault was it but I realized that it had gone back to eating grass not caring what I thought about it.

The Hindus believe that when they die they turn into animals so if that is you in there Rajesh. So not cool dude. So not cool.

Then I had a thought that cheered me up, every Christmas a goat is sacrificed for it meat and skin for the whole family.

I thought with a skip to my step, I know which goat I will suggest this year. Watch out Rajesh Christmas is coming for you.

I had made it to the bedroom when a bottle from a chair fell down and since I had made a nemesis off a goat I did not take chances. I had watched too many horror movies to know not to look under the bed. Okay I watched only sleepy hallow but it scared me straight.

So I did what any normal person would have done. Dressed quickly and left the room with my laptop and phone. Like if “thieves if you are in there help yourself to my clothes hell even carry the bed I will not stop you”. I am no hero.

Coward.

Hell I refuse to die for an unknown cause.

If I die it will be for something worthwhile or if I ate myself to death.

I do love food. And The Rock.

Okay being a good person that I am I thought I should make some rules to help you survive in the upcountry if you ever make it down here on your travels.

• Bring sunscreen. If you are white by any chance come with a bucket of sunscreen a tube won’t be enough.

• Do not piss off the goat. Rajesh is nasty. We bonded. Blushing.

• When you go to the toilet lock the house door there is always someone lurking in the bushes eying your phone trust me. Or there is a dog eyeing that meat you left uncovered.

• When you go to the shop lock your door.

• When you slip out for a short walk lock your door.

• Okay I think you get my point lock your door when you cough and shut your eye.

Or your phone might sponsor the local liquor drinking spree.

• I think I went through the most important rules but important of all eat. Trust me food is enough and will never run out so remember to always work out.

• Okay one more remember two words “oriena” “wera” and you are golden. So anytime anyone says “Oriena” you answer “wera” or if you meet someone just say “Oriena” they will answer “wera” and you are golden. Trust me 24 years I have been coming here those are the only two words I know in the native language. They are just basic greeting.

I am such a good guide. Call me when you come here I might give you a tour. The fact that we will definitely get lost is not important. Or I might drown you in the river so not important. Accidentally of course am not an animal. Ha-ha.

One more rule I forgot;

• When you want to pee outside and trust me it will happen more times than once. You’d be walking and there will be no toilets or houses around, look right look left then look right again. You can then fix your eyes on the busiest street and pee. Just pray there is no poison ivy in that bush.

This policy applies to all states, countries or even provinces in the world.

It also applies where your toilet has no doors like ours.

See up there I came up with a policy I should be a law maker. Ha-ha.

Okay so this evening I took this photo. Do I look like Mungiki? I think I look like Mungiki. Smiling.

Scared you much? I know I scare me too.

Ha-ha I kind of compressed the photo to get that effect.

I think this is goodbye for now. I gotta go repair a bulb and pretend that I know engineering. 

CHAPTER FIVE.

POSSESSION.

As you know when you reach twenty four all you own is your phone and laptop. Okay for us mere mortals. They are your babies. You take care of them and they reward you with all the things you need in the world. YouTube, movies, kindle and ooh God’s gift to man Pintrest.

So when let’s say you go to a place there is no electricity and you have to give your uncle the laptop to go and charge for you and you won’t see it until evening. Panic sets in.

Then you start having separation anxiety. Scenarios starts too filter through your mind like what if it falls. What if it refuses to power on? What if someone steps on it?

Then the next stage is the prayer; God please please take care of my baby.

I miss him so much.

I know my laptop is a him because of all the mood swings and temperance. Ha-ha.

I miss him.

Before you know it you are running after the motorcycle barefoot screaming at your uncle to bring your baby back. I did not do that by the way. Am cool calm and collected. Blushing.

Lunacy. Total and absolute madness. Not me; calm and collected.

Okay so yesterday I did not update you am sorry my phone broke and I was in a pissy mood. Then my uncle forgot my laptop so I had to stay all day and night away from my baby. So yah pissy.

But today it rained and I thought this is a new start and the rain has just washed away everything bad from yesterday and given me a fresh start. With my butt soaking wet trust me I know how much it washed. Wink.

Then I sat here thinking am not the only one who has bad days. Even you sometimes don’t feel like doing anything.

Like the world is not rewarding you enough for all that you do. Like you just have no purpose and today is harder that tomorrow will be. You do not care anymore.

What I want to say is fuck those people who tell you that your situation is no different than everybody else’s.

Fuck those who tell you smile there is light ahead.

And fuck all those who say there is hope out there.

They are right of course but still fuck them. Giggling. I used the F word. Blushing.

The reason I say this is because they do not know you. Hell I do not know you so am not supposed to give you advice but am gonna try.

The only solution is you. You are the only one who can help you. You just have to find that one more move and push with all your might. I cannot believe am saying this but dig deeper because the answer is always you.

Whatever it is you are trying; do it.

Whatever you are going through you can pull through.

Most of all whatever you are going through you are not alone. People might not get you or understand you but they want to be there for you trust me. Trust them.

I believe in you.

I believe in the power you have in you.

If a new born baby impala whose mother just died and left in the wilderness alone, so vulnerable to predators, the sun beating its soft skin can drag itself to a waterhole and find a way to survive, so can you.

Ha-ha you are taking advice from a complete raging lunatic who is just from dancing outside in the rain. What did God put in that water that made me so wise. I wonder.

Anyway am so happy it rained, am happy coz my grandma will be happy. She was so looking for the rain because she wanted her maize to do well. I do not particularly care if it rains as long as I have electricity. But for her I can stay in the dark so she can have her rain.

I believe if Superwoman was old and in Kenya she would be my grandma. The woman never sits down for anything.

At meetings she is always standing and heading them. Hell she is seventy and can do math while I sleep and whine about how math is so hard.

Superhero. Right there.

Damn how did I get so lucky?

Anyway enough of the big talks so as I was dancing in the rain singing “Singing in the rain” thinking that even if my life will be miserable someday at least I will always have my writing. It is like my all eternal outlet and I love it.

I can spend my life writing something to make you smile. I know how hard life can be if I can make you smile that is enough for me.

Am I a broke ass student, yes.

Am I sad am still not accomplished at 24, yezzz.

Ha-ha felt right saying yes like that.

Back on track. Serious.

Will I ever sell out making you happy for money? No.

No matter how messed up messed up my life is or will get am leaving my writing pure.

I shall only write for you.

Wish you could see the soulful look on my face. It’s like I am giving you my soul or something.

Anyway that is a declaration am hoping to stick to.

So today I think that’s it. Let me kick back relax and read Bella Andre.

Steaming books.

That is all am going to say on her.

My lips are sealed.

Okay just one more thing.

Try reading her books you will like them a lot.

Okay that’s it bye.

Go eat potatoes or something. Let’s try again tomorrow and see if you can smile.

I know you want to. I am smiling myself.

Rajesh says hae. I snuck him in while my grandma was out.

Shh don’t tell. 

CHAPTER SIX

LONG LISTS.

Zoe York that is all I am going to say today. I especially love her books. It has been a while since I have taken more than a day to read a book. I remember the last book I took more than a day to read was Harry Potter. It took a week. It was so big. Loved every second of it. My English teacher had to pry it out of my hands.

I realized today I might be addicted to movies and novels. Might. Chuckle.

Okay so am petty and vain. I take more time in front of the mirror coz I want to know my butt looks good in the trouser am wearing. Sue me.

You piss me off and I will not talk to you for a while. Go against what I want and I will be pissed.

Most of all take my stuff and I will thrush you.

That’s just who I am and I will not apologize for it. What I will apologize for thou is oversleeping and letting life pass me by.

Spending so much time in books I do not actually live my life outside of them.

Not caring enough about animals and the environment.

Those things I will apologize for.

But touch my stuff without asking I will thrash you.

Not sorry.

Okay so maybe I rumbled a bit up there.

What lesson can we learn today?

That I am a great writer.

That I love baking.

I love Trey Songs.

Joking. Not. Chuckle.

What we learn today is that life is great and do not be afraid to be you. No apologies.

Change what you think can be changed but find what makes you tick stick by it.

If you think you know you so well drop me a line I would love to know what characters you think define you.

Okay fun activity tomorrow I will make you a long list of something. Do not know what myself but wouldn’t it be fun to find out.

Rajesh sure would like to know.

Rajesh; Baa.

With that I wish you goodnight my lovelies.

…..

Almost forgot today we mourn as a country the death of forty people eleven of whom were soldiers after an accident on Naivasha Road. The cries and anguish for those left behind touch our hearts and we do feel your pain and mourn with you. It’s a tragedy.

You think you have your whole life ahead of you then suddenly you hear a trailer rammed into thirteen vehicles and burst into flames. None of them saw it coming. All of them had plans for the holiday only to end up as a charred pile of bones.

You join the army and are prepared to die in war; you just do not expect to perish in a ball of flame going home to family.

I am so sorry my brothers and sisters.

May your souls rest in peace.

It is a tragedy.

May you be safe as you travel.

Be well.

****

Today I was like why write today. It is a holiday; everybody is resting why not me? Then I saw the sad news on the television still flashing and I was like why the hell not? I might not make it to tomorrow.

So here I am.

As I was watching the Jamhuri day parade with the president seating on the high seat during the celebration it was like I could feel his thoughts.

He be smirking like; I remember those days when I would run around playing as my dad sat on this same seat. Bet the big guy did not think I would get here.

The soldiers matching are like; itchy clothes, high sun, when will this be over and how much am I being paid for this crap.

And I be like; can I steal my grandma’s mango and get away with it? It looks so yummy just sitting there mocking me. Stop winking at me you seductress. You monster.

Anyway am just trying to say it was an awesome ceremony. Short but sweet.

If you are wondering, yes I did steal the mango and yes it was as sweet as it looked.

And yes that army doctor I just saw on television was hot. I am so not dreaming of him right now. Blushing.

As I was seating here drooling over the hot doctor and enjoying the stolen mango, I came up with the three things that will make next year awesome.

• To write.

• To be happy.

• To be rich.

Among the other wishes include;

• To do art.

• To bake.

• To be fit and healthy.

• Get a guy who will stick by me through thick and thin.

• To find something challenging enough my mind works and also to get over this block on my mind whatever it is.

Anyway what is your wish list this new year?

You can always share with me.

Tomorrow I am going for a hike and I shall be back with a long story. Maybe I will run into a hot man. Wishes.

Those moments you feel like life is pressing into you just repeat over and over I am okay am okay; until you can breathe again.

……

Sitting here

Pretending I do not miss my phone

I know I have to let it charge to one hundred percent

So I just have to seat here

Pretend I do not miss it

Glaring at it as it charges

Yet in my heart I know if it just beeps

I will be out of this chair and flying towards it

Not running, flying.

Then I will be all over it

And my heart will settle

Then I will feel at home

Technology has ruined us

Especially me

But it is what it is.

Sigh.

……

Confessions of 2016.

So guys this year I fell in love with this guy

He was going to be my everything and

I was going to be his world.

He was to be my moon

And I his wildflower.

You know the kind of love

That envelopes everything in you

Holds you in the like a cocoon

Like life is just the two of you

Someone there at the end of a long day

With a soft word

A hug.

Safe.

Happy.

Fulfilled.

With a dash of wild monkey sex.

Ha-ha.

Yet he did not want me back.

It was horrible putting myself out there to be rejected

But at least I tried and would not have to spend the rest of my life

Wondering;

What if?

Okay its getting mushy let’s talk of something else.

What about food?

I know I know, I love food.

CHAPTER 7.

ADVENTURE.

Okay I promised you an adventure; sorry it took me so long to come up with one. I really wanted to go hiking, I swear I really did. Blushing.

Nah I really didn’t want to hike the sun was high and there were people on the road. People I would have to greet and talk to. I do not like people.

Anyway so I sat home and was reading a novel, eating popcorns you know normal life; when I heard it.

Drums and people shouting.

Don’t get me wrong I do not like people and idle chit chat but where people are behaving stupidly with or without alcohol me lovee. Human stupidity is funny. Sorry. Not.

Anyway I got out quickly in my dark blue legging, blue hair, and Maasai sandals and of course a blue top to go with all the blue, to go see what was going on.

Anyway I made it out in a minute like a normal human being and I even forgot to lock my doors when I was met with a sea of white. I swear they had painted their faces and whole body white with clay and had on lesos around there torsos and they carried rungus (a club).

Anyway being curious I asked my aunt who was also out what was up she told me that they were circumcised boys celebrating.

Okay let me backtrack and give you the long history. I do not know if it is true but this is what I understand and have since I came here as a child.

This region is full of the Bukusu tribe, lovely people. Anyway every year a set of boy’s; age mates have to face the knife. Literally.

There is a man or two men with knives that have been used since our forefathers were boys themselves, coated with mud and spices that am even sure they themselves know the names. When the boys reach a certain age there foreskins have to be cut off with a knife that looks mean and is literally stuff of nightmares. And there is no crying or you are punished for not being man enough and have to wait till the next year for the cut. The embarrassment and the laughter you will face as you go through the process with kids younger than you will make you swallow the pain like a man.

God have I ever been grateful to be a woman. Trust me I am I will take monthly cramps over that.

Anyway before you face the horror knife in the morning there has to be preparation.

When people hear preparation they think bathe, dress well and maybe wash your hand.

Nah this is nothing like that.

The previous evening a cow has to be slaughtered by some relative and you are given a chunk of the meat to wear around your neck like a necklace all night long. You also do not sleep at home, you have to sleep by the river and apply white clay over each other until you are white and coated. When finally morning comes; you have bonded with each other and the cold has eaten so deep into your skin it’s time to face the knife. But before there is music and dancing as you are paraded around the village. You are white all over at the time and have a big piece of meat hanging around your neck.

Thus my sighting of the sea of white with crazy people trailing behind with drums singing and dancing.

After you have been paraded around the whole village coated in white, wearing only a lesso around your torso and meat around your neck it’s time to face the knife.

Cruel life. Aren’t you happy you are a girl? I certainly am. If you are a man hang in there. Life is waiting to whip you into shape. Ha-ha.

Three months down the line when you have healed there is a celebration of sorts. By sorts I mean as a group you are supposed to spend the night in banana farms. The next day you spend it in a hut with some old man am sure is giving you advice. The boredom.

Am not really sure what happens in that hut all day and am sure I do not want to find out. Really do not want to know. Anyway it is presumed that when they come out they are ‘real men’.

Most people do not go for the traditional circumcision anymore as they have developed yet some still hold on to the culture.

Just the thought of that knife that has had to face down penises for generations gives me the hibbie jibes but who am I to judge?

Thank God in my culture they would just knock down six of your lower teeth.

Like baseball, phwwwwwweee six right out of the pack.

Sorry my adventure included standing outside the door.

And some of the facts in the story I am not even sure of.

Some are worse, some are less worse than I depicted but I hope you go the picture.

Okay back to my popcorns.

And yes I do have all my teeth.

Except the ones I lost opening soda bottles.

Or eating sugarcane.

Sigh.

If I let those old culture men loose in my mouth I would have no teeth left.

And I do love meat.

Back to my book. Cate Baumann’s Answers for Julie is an awesome book.

CHAPTER EIGHT.

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST.

Watching Coke studio with grandma and singing along with the Christmas songs.

There is some pretty boy there I do not know but he is so pretty.

You are pretty.

Okay got sidetracked.

He just murdered Joy to the World.

You have been a very naughty pretty boy.

No presents for you this year from Santa.

I get it all. Blushing.

Okay this is what happens when you go wandering to neighbors and are given some liquid you do not recognize but you have to drink it so that you do not appear to be rude. You start rumbling about things that do not make sense.

Mmh now I get why my mum warned me not to eat at my neighbors when I was younger.

Mums are a fountain of wisdom.

Okay back on track it is Christmas season and people are going crazy. Not me am a rational calm and collected person. Ha-ha.

People are being interviewed on what they love about Christmas and are like sharing, family and love. Am like hell no; do not lie to us we all know you want to kill your mother-in-law and your sons are driving you crazy.

Was that not you who banged the door on your neighbor’s face the other day when he came to ask for salt?

What I love about Christmas is;

Cake.

Cookies.

Glitter.

Ribbons

Shiny Christmas tree.

And last but most important of all presents.

Do not get me wrong I love my family and family is very important, but Christmas is the one time in a year it is all about you nobody else.

What would you love as a person?

Not what would you love for your son or mother or your sister.

Leave that for Thanksgiving and every other day of your life.

Today draw that bubble bath and lock everybody out.

Eat so much chocolate your stomach has to be pumped.

Jump out of a helicopter having a parachute is optional. Ha-ha.

Go water rafting.

Most of all just take a second and appreciate you.

Reward yourself so that as the other days come along you can handle all the crap life throws at you.

Christmas is all about guilty pleasures.

It was the day hope was literally born with baby Jesus.

Okay now I feel bad I dissed my family. Just know I do love you, bring presents.

Blushing.

CHAPTER NINE.

CHRISTMAS TREE STEALING ENDEVOURS.

So Christmas. What comes to mind when you think of Christmas?

Cookies. Cakes. Peppermints. Presents.

And most important of all Christmas tree.

I wanted to talk about Christmas trees but did not want to appear too eager so I started with cookies.

So you should probably understand that where I am from in the deep parts of up country there are no traditional or original Christmas trees. So you would either buy one which probably cost as much as my leg or you could cut up parts of Cyprus tree to decorate.

So surprise surprise we went with option two.

My grandma had one tree around the compound so as we women folk cooked up a storm and made food preparations on twenty fourth nights the men would go and chop up the tree parts.

With the moon as there only source of light they would banter and joke around as they climbed the tree. Such fun.

The first thing that always hit me when they came back with it was the fresh smell and it was amazing. It was like it was the last piece to make Christmas complete.

After they had wrestled it into the house it was time for decorations. Jolly did we go overboard with the decoration. Anything bright and shiny went on the tree.

Those days there was no electricity there, we used to use paraffin lamps. Trust me in that lighting everything looked bright and shiny. The next day we would laugh so hard when you meet someone’s t-shirt on the tree. I did not say the decoration was done when everyone was sober.

Anyway the next day we would get up bright and early to go and bathe in the river then come back and dress in our new clothes. We’d make tea and lay down the breakfast spread on the table like an all you can eat buffet. By the time you are done walking would be a problem.

Such good times.

This was the tradition every year for Christmas.

So you understand my disappointment and utter devastation when we came this year and found my grandma’s Cyprus tree had died.

We had a funeral of course.

Okay more like I had a funeral and mourned.

I was so sad.

It was like Christmas was also dead.

But you know me by now and one thing you should know for sure is that when I want something really bad I find a way.

So first I needed to find a compound that had a Cyprus tree.

I woke up early the next day and put on rubber shoes for comfort and jeggings if I needed to run they could stretch easily.

Then I started walking around people’s compounds pretending that I had come to wish them a merry Christmas.

Where I found the plushest trees I stayed longer. Yet they were not perfect.

I wanted the best.

So I kept walking.

On a full stomach it was getting harder. Every compound I stopped at they kept feeding me and when you refused to eat they would force water down your throat. Not literally but they would just stare at you until you drunk it all. Like the Godzilla stare.

I did not come to eat idiot.

I just want to scope up your tree and borrow it.

I had almost given up and was dead on my feet when I saw it and just knew it was the one.

Love at first sight.

Have you ever seen something and then click you just know it is perfect for you. It fits so right.

That is what I felt when I saw that tree.

I swear it was glowing and I heard the song Hallelujah play in my head play over and over in my head.

My feet were rooted on the ground and I just enjoyed the moment. Of course the boda-boda man had to ruin it by hooting as he passed by.

Idiot.

Anyway, nothing could take away from my happiness as I skipped to knock the door.

Only for the owner to tell me in no uncertain terms to go to hell and bang the door on my face.

So much for neighborliness.

It’s like opportunity knocks, you open and it kicks you in the nuts.

That’s what it felt like.

Yet I had gotten this far I would not let such a small thing as the owner’s consent deter me. He probably did not even know what he wanted anyway. He was so old.

With those thoughts I skipped all the way back home.

I had to come up with a plan.

Locate a good Christmas tree; check.

Ask the owner for a branch; check.

Okay the second part had not gone so well so I had to reevaluate.

After enough consideration I knew there was only one thing I could do. Steal the branch for myself.

I would dress up all in black and wear a ski mask. Of course I did not have one but I could always make one from my stocking. It was new but sacrifices had to be made for Christmas.

After laying up all the clothes and cutting up the mask I was good to go. Now all that was left was mode of transportation for me and my machete. Of course I would have to steal my uncle’s motorcycle.

I would push it to the road and then ride it from there so my uncle does not hear it roar. Then when I was close to the compound I would push it to my destination; cut up the tree tie it on the back and ride it like hell out of there. Simple.

The fact that I have never ever climbed a tree or did not know how to ride a motorcycle did not matter. I would learn as the night progressed.

The fact that I was terrified of the dark did not matter.

Sacrifices had to be made for Christmas.

So I was all set. Like a well oiled machine. Smooth.

I was not relieved at all when my grandma came back with a Christmas tree that evening. She spoiled all my plans. Ha-ha.

It was all good and apart from my stocking nothing else like life or limb was sacrificed.

I can confidently say that I still do not know how to climb a tree or ride a motorcycle until now.

That is not to say that if a lion was chasing after me I would not learn.

You never know with all this animals busting out of national parks I would have to learn sooner rather than later.

What is it with this holiday that makes us go crazy?

If you have crazy stories on Christmas I would love to hear them. Just shoot me an email.

CHAPTER TEN.

BULL CHASE.

Speaking of Lion chasing people today I had the most terrifying moment in life. I hear a lot of people say there life flashed before their eyes I had never believed them ever. Have you ever had that moment you realize you have not done a million things in life? A million recipes you have not tried. That thing you keep pushing to tomorrow just pops in your head.

To me that moment came to me when I was running for my life from a bull that was charging towards me horns blaring. You see what I have done there; horn blaring. Literal reference. Ha-ha.

Yet these were not car horns that kept blaring, these were actual horns that wanted to flip me over and probably go through me. There were the bull’s hooves that would stomp all over me until I was part of the ground.

One with the world.

I swear I did not antagonize the bull. Much.

Okay maybe I pulled away some of its stalk while it was eating. Or maybe it was the time I hit it with a stone as I was passing by. Or those years ago I tied it up where there was no grass for two hours just for the fun of it.

Those are no reasons for the bull to tug its rope in fury until the rope snaps and come after me.

Dramatic much. Eye roll. So this is how it went down.

The day started out normal; like waking up at eight o’clock and being lazy, you know like every normal mortal human out there. After cleaning up my grandma’s house and having breakfast, I took a shower only to realize that I did not have any clean clothes.

It’s not my fault really I only packed one suitcase from Nairobi so I had a few clothes. Like maybe a hundred which I wore and threw somewhere when I was done. So I decided to do one of the most dreaded chores on earth ever known to man; laundry.

I first went through my wallet looking for money to buy new clothes when I did not find any I decided to wash. It was the end of the rope.

Have I mentioned that I hate doing laundry? I swear one day when I get my first job am getting a loan and buying a washing machine and drier. Hey those who know are those two different machines or just one giant mother f***** machine. See right there, I can be polite. Ha-ha.

What was I even talking about in the first place?

Why am I even writing about this anyway?

Uuuh groundnuts. Jackpot.

Anyway when I came to this realization I had to hunt down all my clothes. Hey I cannot wash things that are lost so it was operation find my clothes. Trust me you do not want to know where I found some of my clothes.

Or maybe I should just tell you.

Naah I do not want to scar you for life.

So as I carried my clothes to the pump to wash them I was in a pissy mood. Okay I think pissy is an understatement. Who came up with doing laundry anyway? Can’t we just wear clothes and burn them up?

Okay it is common knowledge misery loves company. I was miserable so the nearest thing next to me had to be miserable too.

As luck would have it the nearest thing was? Ding ding ding yes you at the corner you can answer the question please. The bull.

We do really stupid things when we are mad. You know that moment you do not think with your head but with your hands and ass? We have all had that moment.

So my ass told me if I was miserable the bull had to be miserable too.

So after every one clothe I washed be it shirt, skirt or pant I threw a stick at the bull that was busy enjoying the morning air and lush grass. They were almost a hundred articles of clothes.

Okay I got way over myself and forgot to give you a brief history on the bull. I am sure everyone is aware of cock fight right? Okay you dirty mind not that kind of cock. The chicken kind of cock. Where two chickens have to fight to their death or victory?

So in this part of Kenya two bulls are fed alcohol and then put up against each other to fight and people bet on them. This happen in some dirty predestined fields and the winner gets a price and since cows have no use for money the owner gets it. You know just like horse racing but more sophisticated.

So Angus, okay I named the bull Angus because come on it’s an angry bull, was my uncle’s pride. For no small reason either Angus brought in some serious cash being a champion and all in bull fighting. It was really huge bull kind of reminded me of The Rock; Dwayne Johnson. Just an angrier, blacker version.

I do not know what had crawled up its butt and died the previous night as it kept growling at me every time I threw a stick at it. Since I was thinking with my ass I did not heed all the warning signs. A time or two it threatened to snap its rope and I just laughed at it. Okay maybe that might have antagonized it a bit more.

Feeling safe in the knowledge that it could not snap its rope I turned to wash my shirt when I felt the thud. At first I did not realize what it was; took a long moment for it to register what it was.

Ass thinking is not so fast.

By the time I turned around, my eyes widened in horror, Angus was almost on top of me.

Ooh hell no.

To this moment I do not know how I made it to the house which was a good five meters away and closed the metal door after me.

I believe in miracles.

Angus kept charging at the door until my uncle and about ten men came and restrained it.

Someone please get that bull a glass of whiskey and tell it to relax please.

I have to remember to thank my grandpa for putting steel doors. Imagine if it were wood I would be minced meat right about now.

When my grandma got to me, she was all over me asking me if I was alright. Trust me I can play up innocent really well, with a dash of few tears she was over at my uncle demanding that Angus be put down.

They settled for building it a paddock.

I see that as a win win, I would not disturb it and it would not charge after me again.

Don’t bulls know the meaning of harmless fun? Eye roll.

Man I have the worst luck with animals.

Why don’t they like me?

This reminds me of the time a snake chased me out of the river just because I had gone there with scented soap. Someone please warn a girl that snakes love the sweet smells of soaps! Do not let them find out as they flee the river naked with soap all over there body.

Okay my grandma had warned me since I was young to carry a scentless soap to the river. It was not my fault I could not find the other soap, even when I was the last one to use it. Eye roll.

Moral of the story listen to your grandma.

And do not throw sticks at a bull!

I learnt a lot today.

Okay am out groundnuts await my return. 

CHAPTER ELEVEN.

RAMBO JUNIOUR.

So far we have basically decided I am a potato couch and I eat everything. All the time.

So today I decided to break the pattern and brave the cold hard world of exercise.

I put on the Charlotte Workout Video but by the second round I was tired and panting so hard Rajesh ran away from me. Probably thought a steam mower was coming for him. Poor goat.

The instructor was shouting push and am No.

Push harder, No way (I was feeble by then so it was more like a whisper from where I was curled up in a ball ready to die.)

So when I finally got my breath back, trust me that took awhile, I had a plan.

For all those who know this video there is a lot of punching and kicking.

So my devised plan was that for every kick and punch I imagined it going straight for my douche ex-boyfriend.

Ooh I had so much fun.

The sucker was curled up in a ball and weeping like a little girl by the time I was done.

I felt like a younger more beautiful version of Rambo.

It might be that I have violence and anger issues. A strong maybe.

I do not think I have neighbors anymore. The screaming and shouting like a maniac may have something to do with that. Oops. Sorry.

Anyway all am trying to say is that if you are trying to exercise move away from the neighbors or they will call the police. Grimace. Not pleasant.

Ooh also channel that one thing that frustrates you and beat the crap out of it.

An ex.

Work.

Your boss. Wink.

Mother-in-laws. I love you but….

That novel you are trying to finish on time for your readers. Sigh.

You get me.

Just anything.

But please do not beat them up in real life this is just to help you exercise and work out your life frustrations in one scope.

And no murder. It is a crime. Wink.

If you quote me on anything I shall deny. Blushing.

Seriously.

Go out there and have fun my babies. Mama’s waiting here for you.

With that I wish you goodbye. I am done writing today. 

CHAPTER TWELVE.

BLUES.

Today I woke up at seven o’clock in the morning, which is pretty early considering the fact that am on holiday. As soon as I opened the door of course Poppy came forward to keep me company, I think he knew I was not really jovial.

Poppy is my uncle’s dog.

It’s the twenty fourth and people are out there preparing for Christmas and here I am mopping and feeling sad for myself. Yesternight someone said something I think they meant well and as a joke but it still hurt me.

Hell what am I doing sitting here feeling sorry for myself? Let me exercise and pound it out.

Ok am back I did not exercise but am feeling a better and have committed the rigorous exercise for later. As I tried to work out I realized that it was the people closest to us who make comments that hurt us the most.

You are trying to do something good with your life and you think that they are close to you and will support you. Turns out it’s not true. They will see your shortcomings and point it out to you.

“You cannot go join the team, you are too short.”

“You are too fat to lose weight.”

“You do not deserve that award.”

Hell some will even drop the; “It’s never been done that way in this family.”

They know us too well and have been with us since we were born, but still it hurts.

I wanted to say bullshit and fuck them all but I can’t because I know just how much it hurts.

I know how much it hurts when the person who gave birth to you does not believe you can do it.

When your bestfriends do not support you in your dreams and are always pointing out your limitations. Some might even drop you as a friend.

When the person you love and adore holds you back from what you are meant to be.

I know.

I understand.

And I don’t know what to say.

I might tell you not to give up and let it discourage you.

Yet am seated here having given up a bit on mine. It’s eating me inside like an animal that keeps taking and taking.

That doubt is implanted in my mind so deep I do not know how to fork it out.

I failed once how will I make it this time? What if my plan is not good enough?

What if am not good enough?

I know you are saying am whining but hell others out there are better than me. They have more experience and more talent than I would ever dream of.

Yet I have a vision.

I have a dream.

I have a plan.

I know what I want.

I do not know how I will get it but am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

I will keep chanting this until I get there and trust me I will.

You will too. Take those negative comments, all those no and let them fuel you.

Hell be furious.

Be angry.

Be focused.

And just push harder.

Hit harder.

Push more. And more and more.

Can’t quit. Won’t quit.

Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

Quitters are worse than losers in my book.

Rest and come back stronger. Just don’t stop because they will win.

You stop they have power over you.

You stop…..

Everything is gone.

Don’t stop. Don’t quit. 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

CHRISTMAS.

There is nothing more spectacular and magical than a Christmas morning. I know I know magic is not real, Santa is not real and he probably does not know about Kenya yet I just love Christmas morning.

The air is crisper.

The bird’s chirper.

And even the grass greener.

The food sweeter.

It is also the day we have all you can eat buffet made of just meat from all kinds of animal.

Okay maybe it is just goat, cow, chicken and pig meat but hey all in one table.

I swear this is the day I live on protein only and leave the cabs for the cake and cookies.

Aside from the food there is family. People travel from all over the country you meet on one spot, share food and stories on how life is mistreating you. I used to love it when we were kids we would put on shows and plays for our parents. After that we would end up dancing and taking pictures.

As we grew older the plays stopped but we did find a way to have fun together as family.

Then most important of all things presents.

I love presents.

Then again food.

It’s a full cycle that goes around and keeps coming back.

Ooh such magic.

I am leaving this chapter short and sweet.

Fill it with memories. 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

THROWBACK.

The Christmas rush is over yet most of us still do not want to let it go yet. We have been so hyped up for it all year and it just comes one day and is gone. Just like that.

So in spirit of hanging onto the past my decorations are still up and there is no taking down that Christmas tree. We have history together so the tree stay until it withers off and dries.

Today I woke up early did my chores and decided to brave the outside world and visit the local town. You know a girl cannot live on popcorns, movies and novels alone but I do wish I could most of the time.

I am going today on the twenty seventh after the Christmas shopping rush is over. I swear people turn into animals during Christmas shopping. That is why I shop early and stay home as they struggle over things. One day I forgot and went to town on Christmas day I swear there was nowhere to step. You float all the way.

I was determined then so I made it to the supermarket. You know you hear stories of how people behave on Christmas day but you never believe them. In my naivety I was like there are over thirty big supermarkets in this town it cannot be that crowded. I made it into one of the supermarkets, it was before midday and there was nothing on the shelf. Just those things people do not need so much. Even the withered off tomatoes that usually remain last were gone. The next supermarket I tried was bigger and I found what I was looking for. Unfortunately it was one and I had to play tug of war with another woman. She actually bared her teeth at me and hissed like a cat.

I do not know why people spend millions on filming zombie movies and wolves when they can get free actions from people doing Christmas shopping at last minute. Animals I tell you.

With the knowledge that people had cleared out from the town and I will probably be alone in the whole town I skipped to the bathroom to shower. It’s never a good sign if you can bathe in less than three minutes, I do not believe one can be clean that fast. But I managed it that day. What can I say I was excited. I corralled my cousin and soon we were on our way.

And this in itself is a journey I tell you. The whole way to get to the main road is like an hour’s walk so I did the smart thing and called a boda-boda man to come pick me up.

Here a boda-boda man is one who carries you on their motorbike to your destination for a fee. So basically the purse strings have to come loose.

I remember those days when I was a kid and a boda-boda man was one who carried you on their bicycle with really plush seats to your destination.

You would seat on the back and those seats were so tiny (with bright colors like red orange green or even a mixture of all three) and listen to the man regale you with stories of when he was young. We get it you were as young as me long ago so just peddle the damn thing and get me home.

Of course those days I was younger and less rude so I just sat and listened making appropriate noises when necessary. It was one long journey trust me.

It was made even longer by the fact that we had to share that tiny seat two people. I still do get why and how we ever got anywhere in the first place. When you finally got where you were going your ass was always dead and numb from being squeezed into a tiny space and the constant bumps from potholes.

The rough gravel road, constant chatter and being squeezed into a tiny space. More than once I almost jumped off. Come to think of it why did I just not walk? It was better for my ass in the end.

Mmh. Sigh. Being young.

I just realized am complaining of a man regaling me with stories of when he was young and am doing the same thing.

Touché.

Is that where the apostrophe goes? I am not even sure. Blushing.

Okay I started mumbling about the past and got a bit off topic. What was I even talking about in the first place? Ooh going to town.

So as I sat on the motorbike I thanked God it was faster. Shorter story time.

Why does everyone always feel the need to fill the silence with awkward uncomfortable chatter? Have you never heard of the words comfortable silence?

You go to the salon and just want your hair done and the woman does not shut up about her husband who is working.

I do not care; hell I do not even know you and you just gave me the blueprint to your house.

One even showed me a video and was like do you know you just gave me everything I need to rob you blind right?

Do not get me wrong am all about sharing life stories just do not tell a stranger all the intimate details of your life.

Again touché.

Anyway we finally made it to the main road and had to take a matatu to town. A matatu is basically a Passenger Service Vehicle.

I was squeezed in the back; a seat that carries three people I was the fourth person in there so basically I was on the edge. Such is life.

After the conductor had stuffed us in there like mashed potatoes the journey began. It was shorter but not less chatty.

Ask me again why I lock myself indoors, eat popcorns and watch movies all day. I think I have an answer for you.

Sweaty with aching joints I finally alighted at Bungoma town in the blistering sun. Of course we ran for the shade as we got our bearing.

People were moving but at least the atmosphere was more relaxed than Nairobi. I had fun shopping for shoes and some bags but the clothes were a bit expensive so I will buy them when I get back to Nairobi. Sigh.

Such is the life of a student.

Anyway on the way back home we took the motorbike that took us straight home. The man was tall and brooding and did not talk much, just the way I like them. Plus the wind in my hair felt great and I was home in no time. 

CHAPTER FIFTEEN.

VISIT.

Today I went to visit my grandpa or as we call him guka, out back in the country. He is my grandma’s brother and they are only three siblings surviving out of seven. Or was it eight, I do not really know. Because my grandma’s husband passed away when I was two years old we did not really get to know him. But I hear he was one hell of a man and I miss him even though I did not know him. That is why to satisfy this need I go and visit Guka every year.

We were given a free ride on my uncle’s motorcycle and had to share four people per ride to reduce the number of trips. I was perched so far back on the bike I think I was seated on my pussy.

But do I in any form complain? No.

Why? Because am a cheap ass student.

Free ride, yes.

Free food, yes.

Free housing, yes.

Free clothes, yes.

Free chocolate, hell yes.

Free ice-cream, I love you so much.

Free fashion boots, I will marry you.

So those do not in any way depict my priorities. Ha-ha.

Yesterday when I ventured in the land of the unknown called Bungoma do you want to know what I bought? Boots.

Is that even a surprise?

I bargained within an inch of my life by the time I left I had the shoe at half price. After paying I had no transport back home but I still had a huge smile on my face.

I love my new boots so much. I would have walked all the way the way home for them. Thank God for cousins who have extra cash I did not have to.

Does it really matter that the heel will kill my back to wear them? No.

Does it really matter that I did not have enough money and it was not a priority. Of course not. Do not be silly.

Ooh sorry I deflected from my original story. Sorry. Blushing.

The visit was fun and I left carrying bananas, some fruits I do not really know the names to and sour milk. I did not want to go and visit him empty handed so I carried some bread, rice and sugar for him on the way there. I am a cheap ass student but am not stupid.

You do not visit the old empty handed.

Anyway the way back was a lesson to my pussy on why gravel roads are not good. But finally we made it.

Am happy. He is happy.

And of course it happens that the first time I see a hot guy in the area I am hot, sweaty and dusty from carrying my little cousin on my back. Sigh.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN.

GOODBYE 2016.

Okay so today is the last day of 2016 and I am closing it with a bang, I decided to do something really shocking so I left home in the morning and went to the barber shop to shave off my hair. You know cut off all my hair. Chop chop.

Ha-ha that would have been the ideal situation but since I love everything free I gave my mum the scissors and free range on my hair. I actually told her to go crazy with it. Since my mum is old fashioned and believes all hair should be equal in size it actually came out okay. I shudder to think of what my sister would have done to my hair if I gave her the same liberties. Stuff of nightmares I tell you.

She chopped them and left a few hairs. Is there even something like that in English? A few hairs. Ha-ha.

Anyway some guy was telling me not to shave that a girl’s femininity is in the hair and am like how dare you. No sir it is in the ass. And I have a really nice ass, if I do say so myself.

And a figure that should be legendary. Except maybe the stomach and the extra fats here and there. But come on lady’s who does not have those issues? That is the guilt of loving cake too much. Anyway all am saying a girl is ass and breast and not hair.

Okay if you were born with long glowing hair stop gloating. I was born with really big eyes you do not see me singing it to everyone. Talk to the hand sister.

Just never tell me I cannot do anything I am like a dog with a bone.

Tell me you cannot jump into that hole; trust me you will find me at the bottom. How I will come back up is an issue for another day.

You cannot walk through fire. Like hell I can’t.

You cannot pass this exam. Yah maybe there you are right. Ha-ha.

I used to love reading, when I was in Secondary School (some of you call it high school), you could always find my nose in a book somewhere. I was always reading biology, leading in physics discussions, coming up with experiments for science project and hell doing mathematics because numbers were fun. Where did that enthusiasm go? You ask, I ask, nobody knows.

I think life gave me one strong uppercut that knocked me on my ass and when I got up all I saw was fashion boots, hot men and chocolate. Sorry mathematics.

Anyway am hoping that this will shock me into change. Shock me into getting my life in order. Finally stop looking for approval from totally inappropriate boys. Ooh men ha-ha.

I have daddy issues but hey who doesn’t?

Shock me into loving myself for who I am and getting my shit in order, financially and life wise. And hey this way I get to save a lot of money from going to the salon so one point for financial responsibility. I am such a good role model. Sigh.

I am not making a bunch of resolution am not going to follow this year.

Eat better. Bullshit I just baked a cake am planning on ravishing.

Exercise every day. Crap. I love sleep.

Be a better person. Ha-ha I do even know what to say about to that. Why do I even write it in the first place?

Be financially stable. I just shaved my head this is as financially stable as it is going to get without a job.

Wake up early and sleep early. Crap. If YouTube still exist I will be up at three in the morning and sleep at five o’clock.

I am not saying anything of your resolutions. They are good and if you are dedicated trust me you can make it work and rule the whole world.

What I am saying though is that this year I am taking it a step at a time. One day at a time. See what life throws at me and bend with it. May the good and bad days come, I shall survive.

The tsunami shall sweep and I will be standing. Maybe I shall be upside down on my head but by the end of the year I will be standing.

With that I leave you my friends see you in the January edition as I go back to Nairobi the capital city. Hope it is as fun as December. 

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

SAD.

I never knew sadness could come in so many different versions of itself. It is like they tell you there are five stages after the divorce that people go through. First is denial where you do not believe it is happening to you. Next is bargaining while you think that you can somehow find a way to make it work alone or together. Third we have anger I totally love this stage it is where you go kabum and just explode and snap at everyone. I love it because it shows you are still a fighter and have life left in you. Then there is depression some will take months, years where you just feel sorry for yourself and your new best friend is booze. It gets you and does not lecture you on anything. You blame yourself; you were not good enough, smart enough or tough enough for them. All this is bullshit but we feel what we feel.

Then finally the gold at the end of the rainbow we have acceptance. This is where you finally accept that it is over and nothing has changed in any front. Like nah mammy, am done for good.

Most of the time this is the point most ex’s come back and tell you that it was all a mistake and you can make it work sending you back to step one. Like they do not see how much work you have done to let them go. For some people you realize that you are really over them and give them the boot. Others you take them back and try to make it work.

Then you break up again in two months. Ha-ha.

Do not listen to me this is me being sarcastic and sad.

So as I was saying being sad has stages like divorce but it all goes like this.

Sad, sad, sad, sad and sad mixed in with anger, rage and acceptance.

And then there is the questioning of life choices.

Yesterday evening I was not like this trust me I was the happiest girl alive.

I was told that money had finally been deposited in my account by HELB. I know it is a loan that I will pay some day but right at the moment I did not care I was getting money.

I had such plans. Am sure even that money was not going to be enough for all my plans but they were set up.

First of all I was going to buy a mixer so that I could make the best buttercream frosting known to man.

Then I was going to buy a muffin pan and bake cupcakes that I would decorate with love theme and place in a basket to market for Valentines.

Then I was going to the market them, and then the rest of my list was;

Pencil skirt.

Skater skirt.

Jeggings.

Cute tops.

Boots.

Rubbers.

Sandals.

Heels.

Then finally fresh food to fill up the fridge and pantry.

After all that was done I would seat down and calculate what I had left; if any; and just celebrate it all.

Spread it on my bed and sleep on it.

Eat a full note and see why people love it so much.

Spread it as a carpet and step on it.

You know just crazy shit.

So all this thoughts were going through my mind and I have never been so happy in life. Am sure I have been, but as I was going to town in the matatu, it felt like the happiest time in my life.

I had it all. I was rich.

I could shop and instead of paying cash I would just swipe my card.

Finally people would bow to me. Ha-ha.

Okay that was over exaggeration but you get my point.

It was like this feeling so deep in my heart that just spread through my body with warmth.

That feeling you get when you drink hot chocolate on a cold night tucked in bed with It’s a Wonderful Life.

You know just pure unadulterated joy and happiness.

That lasted for about an hour before I got to the bank account.

You know I could have waited until the next day to go and check but no not me and my impulse control issues. I had to have it now. That whispers of that much money was enticing. So I bundled up my little sister and with a promise of fried chicken we left for town. We did not even have transport for going back home but I did not care how we were going to get back.

So we made it and the most terrifying thing happened.

There was no money.

Nothing.

My account had nil funds.

I was in shock.

The watchman by the door was staring at me but at the moment I felt like crying.

I was like that balloon flying high up in the air, happy carefree, then a stupid hunter just shot me out of the sky and I came down phewwwwww until I crash land with a big whoop of pain.

Yah it was all flashing before my eyes.

Cupcakes, mixer, butter cream, skater skirt, leggings, boots, power all just gone.

I had nothing.

If it were not for my sister, watchman and security camera I would have curled up in a corner and just cried.

It was gone even before it started how I would ever survive.

Why did I have the worst luck in the world?

I always thought I was the luckiest person on earth but lucky people have stuff not nothing and nothingness. What was I even going to do?

Lucky for me I had a friend in town who lent me fare and we made it back home and we ate noodles for supper. In the bus home it there was just an air of gloom hanging around us.

I slept and woke up this morning still not better.

So I decided to write this. At least as I write I feel some amusement.

The house is not cleaned and all the utensils are dirty in the sink but I do not care at the moment.

Just save yourself this agony do not count your chicks before the eggs hatch.

Or do not put all your eggs in one basket.

Eggs.

I cannot even afford eggs. Sigh.

Sadness.

So as I said stages of sadness;

Sad, sad, sad, sad and sad mixed in with anger, rage and acceptance.

I am finally at acceptance, it was never meant to be. Am better off without it anyway it would just keep me in dept.

Sad people consolation.

Happy New Year. 

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN.

KICKASS PROJECT.

My sadness is gone finally am back to normal. So you know its January and I went back to school. I still can’t believe am twenty four and am seating in class studying. Eyeroll.

When I envisioned my life right now I was driving my own car, seating and swirling in those black office chairs as I played candy crush on my phone while looking out for the boss. Such is a good life.

Anyway life gave me crap so am still seating on a locker with chairs like I did fourteen years ago when I was in primary school. Trust me the cliché is not lost on me in any way. I totally get it.

Anyway am going to class, being serious and stuff. So this is my final year and I am panicking; it’s just starting to hit me that I did not do well in my previous years. Partying from Monday to Monday and running to class to do exam with a hangover and clothes that reek of club life; not the best way to pass. I gave that up two years ago when I decided to be serious but by then the train had left the station. Without me.

Anyway I was not giving up so this year I have decided to be super serious and come up with a kick ass project for my fifth and final year.

Okay let me explain in case I lost you somewhere.

When you get to fourth year engineering class you are supposed to do group projects and that’s why last year we managed to come up and actually make work two projects. One was the changing of voltage from two hundred and forty to five volts in case you have equipments with specific voltage use. The other more fun experiment was coming up with a circuit diagram, simulating and fabricating a digital clock.

When that clock was counting the minutes I swear my heart stopped for a second.

So this final year each person is to come up with a problem people face and the solution which is viable. This actually constitutes of twenty five percent of all the marks I will ever get in this school.

So when I was told this and me being super serious with education I did the only logical thing anyone would do; I turned to Scorpion.

I had to find the series from season one to three. I swear the answer is in there somewhere those guys go around solving problems related to science and engineering all the time.

This way I get to have some fun and not fall asleep while am reading and I come up with a project concept.

Told you I am super smart.

Finally my landlord shouting at my poor neighbor for leaving the taps running while he was away gave me the project concept.

What if I came up with a timer relay system that can shut of a tap automatically when the jerrican is full? So let’s say you want to fetch water and you are cooking you do not have to go out every time to check if the jerrican is full. You just cook the water turns itself off when it’s full. This way you get to save time and water.

Told you I was super smart.

Told you that I care about the environment. Ha-ha.

Okay let me get back to team Scorpion.

This people should include me in there team. Then I would get to seat there and be the communication specialist. My job specialty will be to receive phone calls, eat crisp and popcorns.

For I have no desire to save a man’s life by freezing him and stopping his heart. This by the way is just wrong it’s like they are telling us they found a cure for death. Eyeroll. Wrong.

Or go into a cave infested with bats that carry some diseases I do not know how to pronounce. Or even jump into a tar swamp. Or just to go save a town from a flooding dam.

No I will seat in the office and look pretty as I eat. Ha-ha.

Call me Walter O’Brien we need to talk.

And if we can’t agree about the job I think I can find us something to talk about. Wink.  

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

PARENTAL GUIDANCE.

So for the past several days my mum has been around and we have had so much fun. From rat hunting to shopping.

I know you are right now in shock. What the hell is rat hunting? And am like no that is not a typing error it is a real thing.

It is that thing that occurs when one rat finally manages to pass through all the walls and climb to the second story into my house. It could be the sweet smells of cookies and cakes that attracted it into my house or it could be that foul smelling water I have not gotten around to pouring out yet. Who could say what attracts those bastards.

If people are reincarnated as animals what could a person do that is so bad they are reborn as rats?

People use rats to run test in the lab.

Some use them as target practice with guns.

Not that I do that. I do not have a gun.

Anyway my point is when am reborn please am begging let it not be as a rat. Please please.

I know most of you do not believe in the concept of reincarnation I also do not but let’s just guess if you were reborn what animal would you be?

I would probably be a rabbit.

They are so cool and smart.

They are cool and smart until the point where when they are killed by a massive blow to the back of the head. So not cool.

Or are eaten by lions.

Anyway I am so off topic again.

What was I even talking about?

Ooh yah rats.

This one got in and I swear it had hands because it managed to steal a whole cookie from the plate and carry it to the back of the television.

It’s not that I do not like rats it’s just that we have a history.

Here is a brief overview.

I am a student and am broke that is general knowledge.

Fact number one already established.

I can survive a week with five hundred shillings which is about five dollars without dying and just being happy about it.

I buy trousers and cute tops worth about fifty shillings maximum so about fifty cents.

Just bare with me am trying to paint a picture here.

I will not say I am poor but I do eat a lot of noodles.

So there was this trouser I always wanted and it was about one thousand five hundred shillings (fifteen dollars). I wanted to lie and say I saved until that amount but am poor at saving.

I just managed to get some pity money out of someone and finally bought the trouser.

It was like the holy grail of all the clothes I ever had.

I literally built it a pedestal.

So one day after washing it among all my other clothes being the lazy person I am threw them on the seat and went about my business.

Little did I know my bliss was so short lived.

A rat had gotten into my house.

It ate up my expensive trouser and to add insult to injury it ate up a portion of the back of my underpants. So when I wear it one ass cheek is hanging out of the pants. I do not think those who invented those little burgers had that in mind.

I was so pissed off I hunted it down and literally threw it out. Then I packed up my shit up and moved out. Moved into a higher floor and yet this one still got in. It is out of my life but let’s just say it shall not be forgetting me anytime soon. The smell of cookies will forever make it gag.

But it is alive. I am not a monster. Ha-ha.

Anyway my mum had meetings all over town the past couple of days and then today she decided to stay home with me. Since the lectures were on strike I had nowhere to go. I had to spend all day at home with my mum.

The thought in itself is terrifying.

Do not get me wrong I love my mama so much.

I do not know where I will be without her.

Yet she has this way of seating and this look that she gives you when she asks, “So Lynn how have you been fairing?”

Then it is like a catholic confession.

You end up spilling shit you did not even know you did in the first place.

You be like so you remember that cookie you brought home on Christmas day I stole it.

The fees you gave me I never paid. This is not true. Ha-ha.

Some things she has no business knowing like;

I have been banging my next door neighbor so hard he cried.

Then you wrap it up with; those shoes you love so much are ugly as fuck.

By the time you are done she is past mad she is at rage.

I swear am twenty four and am taller than her but one thing am sure of is if I step outside the line I will be given one big ass whooping. She is one tough cookie.

I remember one time when I was young I broke a luminac plate I could not seat right for a week. Most African mothers are like that they hit first and ask questions later.

You are walking and you trip you get a head slap.

You are playing and have been warned beforehand not to cry then you fall; you get a whooping when you so much as open your mouth. The best you can do is holding it in and pretend it does not hurt as fuck. Trust me you cry it will hurt way worse.

Yet they are the best mums.

Someone touches you or so much as looks at you the wrong way they get the tongue lashing of the lifetime.

They bribe you with sweets so you get your shots. They care.

Cheer you on as you take your first steps holding on to the table. Even if in the process you do break the thermos that was there on the table.

Made sure you always slept under a net. Still does up to now when I forget.

Take care of you even when your dad abandons you for another woman.

They are always there.

Gentle yet firm on the right way.

I am not saying other mothers are not great. They absolutely are.

Yet mine is the best. Ha-ha.

Have a tribute you want to give your mum? Send me emails I will add it in the next sequel.

Or they could be about your dad. Sorry I never had one but if you have great stories about your dad am ready to hear them.

Anyway back to the story. I could absolutely under no circumstances stay home all day with my mum.

So I came up with the next best thing.

Shopping.

This way she gets to buy me stuff and I help her choose cute stuff. Win win and win.

We went out and had so much fun.

I bought some stuff I am pretty sure I will never put on in life. Yet I still love them.

Help me pray for her journey mercies as she travels tomorrow.

I shall miss her so much she added a presence and laughter in this house.

But job calls.

One cannot eat love.

No matter how big it is. 

CHAPTER TWENTY.

PAJAMA TRIBUTE.

Apparently you cannot go outside to buy lunch at two o’clock in the afternoon in your pajamas. It is frowned upon and those women who sale vegetables in stalls look at you funny. Hell even passerby’s stop and stare for a minute.

People it is just clothes I am wearing.

Who came up with the stereotype that pajamas only have to be worn at night? Or that I cannot walk around in my pajamas?

It is comfy and for now I can do whatever the hell I want in it.

So I know you are probably wondering why I am still in my pajamas and I promised that this year I will be different? I am also wondering the same thing.

I am sleeping here wondering what the hell Lynn you said this year you would stand up and do something.

I really want to do something but the bed is so comfortable and standing is too much work.

As long as our lectures have decided to go out there and sing solidarity like a pack of rabbits I am staying put in bed and watching Archer. It is so funny I do not know what took me so long to finally get around to seeing it.

Anyway as most of you know by now I decided to take on baking this year on top of all my other problems. I saw hey I have a talent I can do this and went and bought myself an oven.

Nobody ever told me that I did not know how to decorate and that it is actually an art and that I need creativity.

I am creative; I swear I am but only on the important things.

Like when mum is cooking and I have to figure a way to sneak out a piece of meat without her seeing me.

You know important stuff like that.

So when you tell me I have to be creative with cake and make fondant and Swiss meringue I flop.

I swear I do not know how to pronounce that name. Swiss meringue.

Who the hell comes up with names people cannot even say out loud?

Idiots.

Sorry to all the bakers I am that rabbit who when she does not get the grapes calls them sour.

I hope you have heard that story. I used to love it when I was a kid.

If not let me give you the short version.

There once was a white beautiful rabbit, thou he was so smart he could not climb tree. In the forest where they all lived in harmony with grass so green, lush and animals so full yet healthy, with many trees. These trees would stoop under the weight of all the lush succulent fruits growing on it. Just beautiful.

So the rabbit and the monkey were good friends and the monkey would climb trees and throw some fruits down for the rabbit. He loved it and they were like the dynamic duo.

One day the rabbit pissed off the monkey. I am sorry kids, “pissed off” is a nice and smart word mummy and daddy use to say they are angry. Keep away from it parents do not like you being smart. Wink.

Anyway it was grape season and the rabbit loved grapes so much but monkey refused to give rabbit any. So rabbit just sat there watching monkey eat and finally since he was so angry started telling others that the grapes were sour.

So you get my literal reference.

Hey I used literal reference right I should get a medal.

Anyway I am the rabbit and the Swiss meringue is the monkey up in the tree eating grapes and mocking me.

Okay I am told that maybe the story did not go quiet like that so apparently I suffer from short term memory too.

What has my life come too? Ha-ha.

The point today is that do not judge people walking around in their pajamas and shaggy hair at two o’clock in the afternoon. You do not know their life.

Maybe they are just bored.

Or they are just too lazy to put on clothes.

I am neither. Ha-ha

So if you see someone walking around in her pajamas at two o’clock with shaggy hair that is totally not me.

***

Sometimes you hear stories and you do not believe them.

You are always like. No, that cannot be true.

It can never happen.

Maybe it happens in a movie somewhere or in a really good book but never in really life.

Yes I have heard of a person bankrupting a company.

Some stories where when fathers win the jackpot and disappear for a year then come back broke. It actually happened.

A corporation collapses because some idiot stole all its money.

Yet you hear of one person bankrupting a whole country and you are like no. Ha-ha you are kidding tell me the truth.

But it is true.

This week Gambia’s president corrupted the whole country by stealing a billion dollars and sneaking it out in cargo planes.

Only in Africa.

I am still in shock. 

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE.

ADVICE.

So you know I love you guys so much that is why I am going to give you a piece of advice for free.

Do not buy medicine from your neighborhood chemist or as many of you call it drugstore.

Please please spend that little amount of money and go very far away to buy those drugs.

Hell go to that neighborhood you know you will never ever step back into.

This is why; you will go buy those emergency pills and when you pass the chemist on the way to the shop she greets you.

You know the act of buying emergency pills and condoms is intimate and secret.

In our culture having sex even in marriage is frowned upon.

People know you do it, but just keep your life sex life secret.

For some reason we just think that kids just appear out of nowhere.

Maybe the hawk just drops them off at the hospital in a bassinet.

Not because a man climbs on top of the woman. Or the woman I am not really choosy. Ha-ha.

So when you buy emergency pills from the local chemist woman trust me by noon the whole estate will know you did it. It might even make its way onto Face book where your mum is and before you know it they have an intervention for you.

In your sitting room with ten strangers staring at you with judgmental eyes like you are a sex addict and a pervert.

So people save yourself the trouble.

Go far away for that intimate stuff.

It might cost a little extra but will save you a whole load of trouble.

But it sure does make for interesting conversation when you are about to do the deed and realize you have no protection on hand.

Interesting.

****

They say we writers are the weirdest bunch of people out there. You know that we behave in such a manner that just baffles the human community. Here I am today to defend my fellow writers and say bullshit.

We are just fine.

What if some of us have to write naked or the words do not flow.

Or that some have to have at least three orgasms before they can sit in front of the computer.

Some use drugs to enhance their performance.

And other like I walk around with a pen stuck on the back of their ears for when that good thought comes across.

Or we walk around in our pajamas all day.

We are not weird we are just different from the rest.

And hey everybody has their drugs to enhance them in one way or the other.

Those people who cannot go to work without a work out.

What about those who are on a diet but hide Oreos and sweets in there drawers. It’s like if they cannot see me eating it I did not do it.

I hear you sister. I totally get you.

Have you ever had an idea you thought was really good and then you go to implement it and it totally sucks.

You are standing at the sidelines holding your chin like yah it actually sucks.

Do not throw it away there was a reason it came to you. Just reupholster it a little bit and make it manageable.

That is what I do with my scenes when they become boring and yet I started writing them with such glee.

Let’s see an example is when I thought I could write a whole chapter on how writers are not weird. Then I got to the part where I said we are not weird and my head just blanked out. I do not know how to continue.

So I am going to reupholster it into a funny story my grandma used to tell me when I was young.

So once upon a time there was a church function and if you know Africa anything that includes the word in it function but does not have food is viewed as a failure.

Ooh you are getting baptized, will there be food?

You are dead, how many cows do you think they will slaughter?

You have a wedding ceremony with no food. Doing that is viewed as a failure.

There was this one time my mum decided that it was time for her to build a house in Ushago.

Ushago basically means on my father’s compound which he had inherited from his father and his father from his father.

So there are a few standard rules that shocked the hell out of me and trust me they are all on food;

• The first meals to be eaten in that house my dad was to be present to eat first before everyone else even has a taste. So let us assume that he disappears for one hour after you have set the table you will seat there drink water until he comes back. With those sweet scents just enticing the hell out of you.

• Another unspoken rule is that those people building your house have to eat chicken every day they are working on your house. And there is no rationing you have to pour it all on the bowl and serve. If any of it remains you can have a piece.

That basically means a chicken has to be slaughtered daily. In the end the price of buying a chicken daily will be more than the cost to build the house. Yet they still expect to be paid in full for their work.

Man you just ate your money in my chicken!

It used to make sense long ago when the men of the family had to build the house with help from a few friends. No salary.

You build me a house I feed you. Fair trade if you ask me.

Trust me it is unspoken rule that cannot be ignored. You ignore it and it will be spoken around the village for a long while.

• Those are just among the few examples I know of but trust me most of the rules revolve around food; especially chicken.

What is it about that bird that made our ancestors love it so much?

Suckers.

Okay so back to the story at hand. It was one of those functions and everyone chipped in so that food could be in plenty.

Women were relegated the kitchen duty and they decided that for once since they had the money they should make something that is not a staple in their households. Pilau.

Pilau is basically like fried rice with a lot of spices.

Thinking of it well cooked just makes my mouth water.

(If you want to try this recipe just send me an email and I will send you my grandma’s recipe.)

So hot. So sweet. Sigh.

Anyway there was this one woman who was like the village know-it-all and since she had a bit of money people looked up to her. Actually they outright adored her.

That day my grandma tried to help but they snubbed her when this woman proclaimed she knew how to make it. She had lived in the city once so she knew everything, they thought.

My grandma a bit hurt went to the office to help the accountants and left them to it.

When she came back an hour later it was to the shouts of; “Koroga, ongeza maji.”

The woman was like a drill sergeant urging the women to stir and add more water into the food.

Many of you do not know what pilau is granted, but you do know that when you are cooking any form of rice you never add cold water and stir continuously. You do that you end up with porridge instead of rice.

So my grandma just stood at the door and laughed herself to a stupor that was renewed when five minutes later she saw the woman sneaking out thought the back door. The woman had realized that she had screwed up and everything was going south fast so she made a fast retreat.

The women cooking realized she had not gone to the toilet about ten minutes later when the water dried out with some parts were not cooked and others really runny.

That was when they turned to my grandma again.

Since there was no way to save the pilau they made quick works of every household delicacy of ugali and vegetables.

Most were disappointed but they enjoyed what was available.

Trust me the ruined pilau did not go to waste somehow the cooking pan was empty when she went to check on it later.

The pilau had pieces of meat in it so am guessing other ladies sneaked off while people were eating to share it amongst themselves.

If they picked out the meat in it or ate it like that all am saying is hallelujah.

At least they did not throw out food. 

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.

CONNECTION.

Today I decided to try and make some spaghetti and meatballs. I have never had some and this week I made burgers and loved them so today will be something different.

Trust me am not the only one who has never eaten those westernized food.

I read a lot and I hear people say they want to order pizza for dinner and here I am thinking you eat that daily yet I have never even tasted it. What does that make me?

I think it just shows that life is so different for each and every one of us.

Like when I say my staple food is ugali and yet some people have never tasted it. That does not make it bad it just makes it different. So that is why I decided it was high time I tried all those things for myself.

Since I am student and being broke is like an occupation to me, the next best thing is to make it at home for myself.

So if you know some really great recipes and are willing to share them please send me some. We can do like a recipe swap or something. That could be really fun.

I am especially looking for pizza and spaghetti with meatballs recipe that can be made from natural ingredients.

Do not tell me Italian Minerva Tomato sauce, I do not know what the hell that is!

And am so sure when I get it at Nakummatt Mall but it will be prized more than my month’s rent so please have a bit of empathy.

Trust me there are outlets in town that deliver those stuff yet I am not willing to go and blow a whole weeks fare on one meal.

This topic got me thinking, we eat different, hell some of the things I eat might give you diarrhea yet we are all alive somehow.

It all boils down to carbohydrates, proteins, vitamins and empty calories in snacks.

It all boils down to what the body needs from us and what we are giving it.

There might be a kid out there starving because they cannot get food, yet there you are with food starving yourself because you want to be thin or are too busy to eat. Are you two any different?

I might board the bus everyday to go to town to work or school, you might be in the opposite side of the world yet you are doing the same thing.

What I am trying to say is that some way we are all the same.

Connected by the little things and food is just one of the ways.

I wish one day to Skype with someone in the opposite side of the world while we are eating the same thing. The taste might be different yet that is connection.

This reminds me yesterday I saw some government officials throw away hawkers food and I was so mad. I know they did wrong by selling on the street and you can arrest them but do you have to throw the food out? You have so many vehicles why don’t you just fill one up and take it to North Eastern.

Every day we see people on television drinking dirty water and dying of hunger. The cows so thin there ribs are showing yet you pour out food and cry out that you are poor.

That is bullshit.

That food you poured out can feed a family of ten for a while.

You pour out food yet some people are dying of hunger that is just a curse.

I know it might sound hypocritical that I am complaining yet I just sat there and watched and did nothing.

I am not going to lie I was scared.

If I had protested they would have arrested me or maybe just hit me or shot me.

I know they say the world goes to shit when good men seat back and do nothing. Trust me right now I feel like shit. Instead of fighting for others I was thinking of how my mum would be distressed if I was in jail. Or how my sister would be depressed if I did not go back home in the evening. Who would take care of them if I am not there?

I am no hero for being selfish but it is what it is.

On the judgment day it will not matter what we wanted to do, but what we actually did.

And right there I failed.

I am sorry to all those people in North Eastern.

I know it will not help them but it is all I have to offer right at the moment.

Maybe someday it will be different.

***

So you know me I was always a school nerd and would read all day so during the holidays I did not watch much. I started watching movies and series right out of high school just to pass the time. I watched glee, witches of east end and NCIS they were good enough.

But the first moment I saw Fast and the Furious I knew it was the one.

You know I never believed in love at first sight but it turned me into a believer. It’s like holding your baby in your arms and our eyes connect for the first time and you just know it is just you and her. Or him. The two of you against the world.

That’s how I feel about Fast and the Furious.

So what is not to love? Hot cars, really big guns, missiles, robots, helicopters and most important of all really hunky men. You would think with all these stuff the emotional parts would be toned down but heck no. From Mia’s pregnancy, to Letty coming back and some of the characters dying. Emotions are running high.

The emotions are like the salt in really good stew. It does not have to be there but it makes for one heck of a delicacy.

Okay so back to the men. Ha-ha.

From the blonde with blue eyes Paul Walker to the really muscular The Rock. Even the extras are hot that has got to say something.

That man is really a rock and he can rock my bed anytime he feels like it. Have you seen the size of that mans feet? I am guessing his shoes are special ordered. Wink.

Hot men none withstanding when I feel like I cannot do anything I watch just a part of the movie and I am set. They are fearless.

If a man can drive a car from a plane I can bake a damn perfect cupcake even if it kills me to do it.

Or I can study for my exams and pass it.

Hell I can fly. If you find me bruised and fractured somewhere rest in the knowledge I did not try to kill myself. I flew for about just two seconds or so. Ha-ha.

Okay so I know this is the second time I talked about the movie but it’s because I love it so much. May the next one just come out already! Please please.

I am just sad Paul Walker had to go and wrap his car around a pole.

If you wanted out you could have just said and we would have found a way to help you out there. Anyway you were important to the whole franchise and you will be missed dearly.

What is your absolute favorite movie?

That one you cannot stop gushing about.

***

Ooh my God today is the best day of my life. You know I had started editing this book thinking that I had nothing else to give the audience.

Then like an angel it came to me through our very much loved portal instagram. I even forgot to make breakfast I watched it a thousand times; Fate of the Furious 8. Say awesome because I am shouting it to hell and back AWESOME!!!!!!

They race on ice and ooh my God the one who holds family together and gives all those speeches on why family is so important has gone rogue. Dominic Toretto has gone rogue.

Eeee,,, this is me screaming so loud it cannot be heard by the human ear.

What the fuck, they race on ice, there is literally a huge steel ball crushing things on the road and then Dom drives a car right of the edge. It’s like that has been done before but it’s always always amazing.

The Rock has to work with Jason straturm again. It’s like the good guy and bad guy coming together to catch the even better guy.

And the ship, I do not even think that is called a ship. Whatever it is it is huge and it is awesome.

Okay I will stop there because I think I cannot breathe.

I am so happy.

Eeee.

When are they coming on cinema because trust me I will be the first in line.

Which genius comes up with all this scenes? Because I really want to kiss them.

Give the man or woman a Nobel Prize already, they won. Hands down.

I will say this is the best fast and the Furious sequel yet.

I already love it so so much.

I am sure it loves me too.

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE.

EPIPHANY.

Wooow. Wow. Just wow.

Today I was washing utensils when it hit me; yah I do not have a dish washer and I wash all my utensils like a caveman; anyway it hit me that you can get anything, literally anything off the internet.

So I stopped for a moment, with water and soap dripping all over me and I started to question really anything? Then I realized that anything you want.

The person who came up with the internet was a genius and I actually am so damn proud of them.

Hey you made your mama proud, internet mystery man.

See if I wanted to know who invented the internet I just Google it.

All I have to do is type in the question; who invented the internet?

And yah I did and it was Robert E.Kahn and Vint Cerf.

Why am I not surprised that one is of Asian descent those guys are really good with computers kudos.

Okay Kahn was American am racial profiling here sorry.

See the internet told me that.

Which brings me to my next point; internet has made us all stupid!

Okay not all but a majority.

Nowadays people do not read books anymore. Why should I do that when I can get a summary of the book on the internet?

Ooh you gave us an assignment, I know I will just Google the question and it will actually give me an answer I can give you.

My kid sister’s homework is done on the internet yet the book is right in front of her. The exact page with the answer opened for her, but no, Google knows best.

Makes me wonder what kind of generation will come after us.

I am just sitting here wondering what if one day the electricity just goes off in the entire world and the internet shuts down. There will be a major panic attack.

I swear the world will stop for a moment.

Like my good friends on Big Bang Theory one’s pointed out; “Those are really wise words but it would have sounded a lot better coming from the television.”

Oooh my God like really!!!

Ha-ha that was totally mock outrage I cannot stay a minute away from my computer. What would life be without it? The horror.

I am such an introvert.

So here is a list of all the things you can get off the internet. Feel free to add some more on my email and I will update it in my book. Your opinion counts, okay I lied there, democracy is dead. Ha-ha.

But I will update your opinion in my book if you want.

Okay here goes nothing;

• Sex brought right at your doorstep or should I say bed. Wink. People do not have to go peeping at others bathing in the river anymore all you have to do is lie there and click a button. Hell nowadays with enough money you click a button and a woman delivers herself to your bed.

• Okay the second one is the most important of all; food. Small miracle. That is all am going to say on the matter. Okay maybe not all, you hungry and do not want to go out, click a button, pizza coming right up. You want to know the best restaurant and do not want the hustle of eating so much food; click a button.

• Are you so fucking pissed and want to bomb the shit out of things? There is actually a website that gives you a step by step guide on building bombs. I was shocked too! Just do not kill anyone. The government and FBI tend to frown up on that one. You can do harmless shit like bomb your ex’s clothes or even his nicely pressed suits. Okay but I am not to blame for anything that goes wrong. Do all this under your own risk. Better yet do not try it at home. I know a better way take a scissor to those clothes its safer and way messier. Hehe.

• Okay now people are buying people off the internet. I know like WTF! Couples are buying babies and men are buying brides off the internet. I am like no kidding, you can buy a person?

I am sure Robert and Vint did not see that coming.

I wonder why Scorpion series was not based on these two guys.

• Okay my list ends there but I am sure there are a lot of other great stuff I just can’t think of right now. I am off to eat chocolate pudding. Who ever thought chocolate pudding would be this amazing.

Voila mademoiselle monsieur.

And yah you can get pudding of the internet too.

I know you were thinking about it. Ha-ha.

I just realized if it were not for the internet you would not even know me!

Today I am having major revelations. It must be something in the pudding. 

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.

EMBARRASING MOMENTS.

Okay guys now that I have popped some caramel popcorn and am eating in the comfort of my bed I can tell you my most embarrassing moment.

But first can we just take a second to appreciate the beauty and sweetness of salted caramel popcorns. This should have been made one of the many wonders of the world. Man found a way to add butter, sugar, maple syrup and a crap load of calories to popcorn. And he did it in such a way that once you tasted it, there is no going back to the plain popcorn. Why do you hate it when am trying to lose weight world?

Okay back to the topic at hand my most embarrassing moment happened yesterday at day time. My sister was in the kitchen making lunch and I had just finished cleaning up when I decided to take a much needed shower.

It was when I was done that I realized that I did not have my towel with me. Stop looking at me like that am sure it happens to the best of us out there. I had no problem striding my stuff before my kid sister because hey, show her how she is gonna look when she grows up. Life lesson right there.

But the back door was open and my house shared a common fence with a local primary school. To get to the bedroom I had to pass through the sitting room which was facing the school. It was not break or lunch time but a couple of kids are known to sneak onto the field during classtime. I was being optimistic, remind me not to do that again it’s exhausting, so I decided to take a chance. You know go for it. Make a dash for the bedroom the chances of me making it were pretty high.

Okay so here is the thing, I never played any sports in school because my bestfriend was called books. To say that I was not capable of running in a straight line with a specific target in line was not an exaggeration. I am more of a maneuver kind of girl. Another thing to note is that our house floor was tiled with those slippery tiles.

What I did not know as I started my dash was that my sister had spilled some water on the corridor. Let us just say I did not make it to the bedroom.

Another point I forgot to note earlier is that I am not fat but I am curved so I can confidently tell you when I went down the building experienced a minor earthquake. And my butt that I landed on is not forgiving me anytime soon. I will not seat right for a while.

Can you imagine a naked woman going down on the corridor all wet and landing on her butt with her legs splayed in all the wrong angles? That right there was me.

My sister laughed at me so hard her stomach hurt and after I recovered I had to admit that it was pretty funny.

But I was not given a chance to mourn my misery down there as the back door was open and I could not risk children watching me. I scampered into the bedroom to get dressed. I was lucky the kids or some elder person did not see me because that would have been awkward. Okay maybe some outsider did see me go down but am officially refusing to acknowledge the fact.

If you have ever made the wild dash from the bathroom to the bedroom naked smile a bit.

I know you have.

Ha-ha.

You have to stop it it’s not good for your ass health.

Ha-ha.

Reminds me of the day I was going down the stairs in my new heels and fell, rolled down three flights of stairs.

Let’s just say not the best moments in life.

***

Today is a Sunday and on this holy day I like to keep myself composed and calm. You do not piss me off and I leave you alone, simple rule. As I was walking to the local store to fill up on m groceries some asshat, okay sorry I have to be calm and collected, some man in a car splashed me with dirty water.

The idiot, deep breath sorry again, the man kept on going no apology. I wanted to flip him the bird I really did and then maybe throw a stone at his back window but I remembered what day it was. It was the day to be calm and collected, so I let him go unharmed.

See I am like the epitome of peace and tranquility.

Gandhi would be so proud of me.

Someone give me a medal please.

Anyone.

Well good manners are no longer appreciated.

(Just goggled asshat means someone who has their head up their ass. I think I found my word of the month.)

Someone give me a medal goddamnit. I am just oozing knowledge. 

CONCLUSION.

PEOPLE’S CHOICE.

Have you ever listened to a friend’s story and found it so funny you somehow want to retell it so often so that others can enjoy it too? I have. That is why I have come up with this last chapter to get all your stories and listen to you. If you are interested send me a variety of your funny stories with your name and if I like it I shall include it in my next book. It does not have to be eloquent just funny enough and I shall rewrite it for you so that others get it as well. Make a person smile today.

Let us brighten each other’s day.

Okay here goes nothing.

WE WERE NOT RAISED RIGHT.

A classmate and close friend of mine narrated to me a story that I found quite hilarious actually. She was on her way home in Nairobi from visiting her sister in Kissi town. She took Easy coach because it was easiest the best car from Kissi to Nairobi.

See what I did there, literal reference.

Since she arrived at the bus station early, she was among the first to board the bus and she made herself comfortable on her side of the seat. You know wiggled a bit until she found just the right spot for her ass.

Exhausted from being up all night celebrating all she wanted was a silent seatmate and someone who fit on their side of the chair. She had nothing against the well built people but they tend to box you into a corner when you seat with them.

As luck would have it most of the people she considered on the larger side passed on their way to the back seats. Sighing in relief she wiggled a bit more and, sank deeper into her seat placed her head on the headrest and closed her eyes.

That was when she felt it. It was like that tingling feeling in the back of your mind that cries, Oh No!

Trying to delay the inevitable hoping that it would go away she closed her eyes tight then opened them slowly, turned around and only saw beady eyes. The man next to her was larger than all the rest who had passed through to the back. Smiling broadly he started talking and never stopped. She listened alright but in her mind she was like please go away please disappear. At a time she even put on her eye mask to try and communicate that she was sleepy but no he went on and on and on. It might have been because of the four Sharks he drank or maybe it was just his personality but who cares dude get a life or better yet buy yourself a phone with internet.

By the time they made it to the Nairobi bus station he had already wiggled out information from her on where she was headed. She was headed to Rongai estate but she told him she was going to Kileleshwa. No need to let the crazy people know where you stay.

As the bus came to a stop he told her he would wait for her outside. She tried to drag herself, pulling her bag out slowly but when she got down he was waiting. The man had so much patience. As luck would have it he was also headed to Rongai.

Yet she did not change her statement that she was headed to Kileleshwa.

He told her that if she ever wanted to visit Rongai all she had to do was call him and he would drive her over in his Prado. He then whipped out one blackberry to take her number. When he found it dead he whipped out another blackberry. Impressive.

Not wanting to be rude she gave him her number just to get rid of him.

So here comes the best part, after she left the station she actually blocked his number from her phone. I do applaud her I really do but as she said she was not raised right.

Clearly she hadn’t suffered enough in life, otherwise she would have jumped at the opportunity to be driven to Rongai in a Prado; instead of dragging her heavy suitcase all the way there. Had she also smiled enough, she probably would have left the station with one blackberry phone.

As she funnily put it, “since I have fifty shillings that I know will buy me supper and lunch tomorrow until I get some more money I think I am okay, I was so not raised right.”

My other friend; as you know by now I have many friends; was on her way from work – well more of an attachment – when a Mercedes Benz pulled up beside her and the driver said hi and smiled at her.

If he was young or old, handsome or ugly, black or white she couldn’t really tell all she saw was the Mercedes Benz. Black, red or even yellow does it really matter it is a Benz.

Well back to my story, he moved forward just a few paces and pulled his car to the side of the road. So what does my clever, esteemed and very bright friend do? She crosses the road. One foot in front of the other she crossed the two lanes to the opposite side of Nairobi’s Ngong road from where he was packed. She was so not raised right.

So let’s finally get to my story – It is so worth telling. You see I was on my way to school, The Technical University of Kenya on Haille selassie road, when I saw an old mzungu man staring at me. As you all know the old secret of getting rich is to marry an old man and he dies or you kill him that is a matter of relativity and get to inherit a lot of money.

Armed with this knowledge, this is what I should have done: stood up straighter, pushed my chest forward to highlight the girls, flicked my hair smiled and strutted down Haille Selassie Avenue gently swaying my hips. That would have been a perfect score and I could have landed myself a mzungu. No let me rephrase that an old mzungu.

So what do I do? The young intelligent adventurous and very gorgeous; let as not gloss over that particular detail; girl that I am, I scowl at him. I actually scowl at him like, “what the hell are you looking at buddy?” and walk away. I was not raised right.

We are all fools.

In retrospect all I am saying is that we are all fools as you can clearly see. If we were clever she would have a blackberry and be cruising town in a Prado going for shopping at Jade collection. If she was clever she would have boarded that Mercedes Benz and gone for coffee at Java, I will tell in privacy that I’ve never been to Java, you know, HELB budget cuts. If I was clever I would be very rich after two months one way or another (wink).

Or maybe we would have ended up in some dustbin or shallow grave raped or bloodless after being offered in a ritual. All am pointing out in my many, many words is that I thank you Technical University girls for being fools. I thank you for not being raised right.

Peace out.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

If you are ever looking for appreciation do not try for it at home. A very literal example is the story of our savior Jesus. I can imagine he gave up a very cushy life in heaven being God’s son and all to be sent to earth as a sacrifice for all our sins. So what do we the good people of earth do after all his miracles saving us and bringing some of us from death, we pay up by crucifying him. A prophet is never accepted by his own people.

Let us come out of the Stone Age for a bit and see how much appreciation most of us get from our own family. There was once this young girl bright, beautiful, talented and very intelligent law student. She was among the best in her class even graduated with first class honors. Most people thought she was going to get as far as being the next attorney general of the country or even an ambassador some day. That was until she met John and fell in love, left law practice and her job to raise a family. She sacrificed vacations in the Caribbean’s, dressing up in power suits and even driving range rovers in Jimmy Cho shoes for dirty socks on the floor every day, a cheating husband and insults from her own children. As some of them would point out sikukuambia uache kazi yako kwa sababu yangu (I dint tell you to leave your job for me).

On the other hand there is Smith. A very dedicated husband who leaves for work every morning at four o’clock and takes all the overtime he can get to give his family a better life. He works weekends to get his son that bike he always wanted. He stays late Wednesdays night to get his baby girl that expensive doll she pointed out at the supermarket. He goes to that field trip in Meru so that his wife can get that dress she kept nagging him about. All this he does every day and what does he get in return; cold food when he gets back home at midnight, nagging wife who is always asking who the other woman is, children who do not respect him because they never even see him. Sa daddy anatuambia nini na hatakua hata (what is my dad telling us and he won’t even be around).

Let’s now focus on the kid because most families are completed with children. The first born for example has to sacrifice most of their time to look after the young ones when the parents are working. They have got to be a good role model to their siblings. They have to take care of everything in the house because they are older. The young one’s just need to be heard and most of all not get second hand stuff because they are not “old enough”; just saying. Most of all some kids try really hard in school but are not just intellectual. Instead of being encouraged to do what they are good at like art or even sports most of the dads are quoted saying “we ni mjinga ka mama yako” (you are as stupid as your mother).

Well as you can see when you are looking for appreciation do not try for it at home. What most people don’t get is that we do not want a medal or even gold (even though that will be so cool) all we want is a simple thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for raising me. Thank you for trying so hard. Smith might even appreciate a thank you daddy for all your hard work.

So today just go home to your mum, dad or kids and just say thank you. We all need each other to make family work. To be united. Get even a simple card, chocolate or flowers and appreciate the woman who gave birth to you, the man who sacrifices everything for you and the baby who brings most joy and purpose in your life. Just say thank you. Hey if you are not appreciated don’t worry you rank right up there with Jesus so hang on tight and do the right thing.

I appreciate you.

LIFE PHILOSOPHY.

When that person who promised you forever cheats on you and behaves like it is no big deal. Some even blame you for all their affairs. You were not there for them you were always working looking for money, ironically to feed them. You grew too fat, because you gave him four children am just speculating here. You are not good in bed, like they didn’t realize this before you were hitched. So many more excuses. I personally like those who do not even try to explain because they know all they will be telling you will be a load of crap. It’s like marriage is not sacred anymore. Most marriage vows should come with a clause at the end you know like; these vows will not hold when the partner gets fat, works too much and my personal favorite hits midlife crisis. It’s like marriage is all about you two and all the others you do not know about. The philosophy what God has put together let no man bring asunder does not apply anymore.

Speaking of midlife crisis I know you have heard almost every story out there some of you have even lived it. There are some stupid things they do and later come to apologize. Of all the stupid things ever I have a neighbor who should win the award.

He was hitting his forty when one day he just woke up and realized life was passing him by. He had been in a hurry to marry because most of his friends were married. Had kids because that is what married people do. He even had lots of money from the lots of extra hours he had been putting in at work yet he had never felt real happiness. Never felt love. Never even been drunk for almost 20 years. He just woke up one day and found out his twenties were gone. Those days when he was the hot stuff shot out of the window. So like every loyal unhappy forty year old man in midlife crisis he seduced his secretary or some young university student to be his mistress. Rented her an apartment. Partied every night and they lived happily ever after.

As is common knowledge happily ever after is for fairy tales and for us mere mortals it comes to an end one way or the other. His fairy tale came to an end one night when the wife insisted that she wanted to go out raving with him. Because he had insisted he only goes to the clubs to have a few drinks have conversation with the boys and he is back home he had to take her a long with him. Like the faithful, caring, loyal and really wonderful husband he was they took his car to club Tribeka. They had drinks few laughs with friends. He was determined to prove his innocence to his wife of almost twenty years. When tiredness from running around after teenagers and working all day finally caught up with her she excused herself went to the husband’s car to get some sleep in the backseat.

I bet when she left they said, “Now let the real party begin.”

I bet they even drank a lot. Unfortunately our Mr. X drunk himself to stupidity, got real horny, forgot his wife was in the backseat of his car and drove all the way to his side piece to get ‘some’.

In the middle of very conceptual, very loud and very hot mating someone knocked on the door. Angrily Mr. X stalked to the door thinking he was going to give a piece of his mind to the young fellow knocking this late on his woman’s door. I bet he was huffing and puffing his chest thinking to himself,”Nachunga huyu mwanamke na ako na wanaume wengine leo watanijua.” (I am taking care of this woman and she is cheating on me, today they will know who I am).

He pulled open the door angrily only to come face to face with the big soulful eyes of his lovely wife. No explanation was needed anyway because his secretary was right beside him with a sheet wrapped around her.

I would really love to see how he got out of that situation. He can’t blame the neighbors for telling her lies. He can’t blame her for having issues and not trusting him. After all he drove her to the door himself.

Do not be this damn when a relationship is not working for you walk out. There is nothing like all men lie. You will be lying at home waiting for your spouse to bring you some diseases you cannot even pronounce. I promise you it is never your fault they cheat on you. There is just one philosophy I hope you acknowledge; if you love something set it free if it comes back to you it was meant to be. If it doesn’t there is always something better around the corner. Do not stay and be miserable you are killing yourself a small part at a time. By the time they are done with you only the shell will be left and you will be a living ghost of you.

Hey for better or for worse take care of you.

Please leave a review when you finish this book to make it easier for others to find it.

You can reach me at [email protected].

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I always look forward to hearing from you.

Look out for the next installment of Trudging Through 24.

Tullos.

Damn still can’t get that spelling right.

Also check out my other books promise you will enjoy them excerpts are below.

SNEEK PEEK INTO FOREVER US.

LUCKY SERIES #1

BOOK SUMMARY.

A trip back home turns to be more than she bargained for…….

Sasha loves her village and all the people even though they tend to stick their noses where they do not belong. She has a lot of problems in her life and is tired of fighting. For the first time in years when she goes back home she finds Logan a ghost from the forgotten past….

Well forgotten to others……

Logan has come back home with one goal in mind to help Sasha face her fears and bring back the girl who used to fight for herself. Maybe along the way make her fall in love with him again. Will he manage to convince her that she is worthy and that they deserve a second chance? Or is he reaching for the impossible.

Whatever the cost he is all in…….

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EXCERPT.

PROLOGUE.

As the DJ cranked the music up to hip hop, Sasha Aludbe shook her ass regardless of the fact that her dancing and music were not even close to being in line. It was so long since she had felt this freedom, so long before she’ll feel it again. Sasha felt her heart beat steadily to Wiz Khalifa’s work hard, play hard. She felt the sweat trickle down the open back of her black dress.

The effects of the black ice she had downed so far were seeping through her blood to her system into her brain. She felt it all, and it was just exhilarating, for the first time in four months she was free.

Time to change the steady twist of her ass into slow adulations of her wait as the DJ played Eminem’s No love. Ok, the song was not danceable, but she did not care. Each word, each beat resounded in her brain. She felt a man’s hand around her waist just as the DJ picked up the beat. So she as she picked up the steady shaking of her ass on his groin.

She did not care who he was she was here to have fun. Taking a deep breath after the song came to an end she pulled away sweating and breathless. He tried to talk to her, but she ignored him and made her way back to her table. When she got back, she pulled the first long sip of her drink before smiling to her cousin and partner in crime this evening.

“You were having fun,” she said with a knowing smile.

Looking at her with appreciation she answered, “Yeah I was. It was incredible and long overdue.”

Rolling her eyes,” to think I had to drag you out of bed.”

“Ok ok I get it thanks, you my dear are the best cousin ever,” she said throwing her hands around her cousin’s shoulders.

“And you my dear are sweaty and smelly,” she responded trying to disengage herself from the hug.

“Oh no you don’t,” holding on tighter, “this is fun you are smelling take it in. Breath deep.”

Laughing at the expression of horror on her cousin’s face Sasha removed her hands.

“Why aren’t you out there shaking your assets? You look great in that blue dress by the way.”

Sasha asked her.

Flipping her hair dramatically, “Ooh stop it.”

“Show off,” she said fake punching her cousin on the shoulder.

Their bantering slowly died off as they resumed drinking in silence.

“How are you holding up?” her cousin finally asked her. The last four months had been rough what with her stepdad going to prison, children picking on her sister, a mob trying to burn down her mother’s house until she had to take care of her kid sister. Cold shivers ran down her body just thinking about it.

Giving her a small smile that she hoped like hell her cousin bought, “Am fine, I’ll always be fine.”

As if seeing through her act she just nodded, “If you need anything, anything at all just call me.”

She tried to hold back tears threatening to flow, “Thanks.” She would not cry. She had cried enough for a lifetime.

Laughing through a sniffle that had escaped she raised her bottle in cheers, “To a better end of year.”

Her cousin raised her bottle and was about to say something when she remained frozen. Her eyes were wide with shock as if she had seen a ghost.

Before she could turn back to look, she heard the voice she thought she would never hear ever again, “Hello princess.”

It seemed like the year just kept serving her shit. Serving her even the dead.

CHAPTER ONE.

It was one week later at the start of December and Sasha was on her way home. She pushed her suitcase to the back of the matatu taking her to Bungoma. Her vacation had come to an end now it was time to go back to responsibility. She gave her cousin one last hug before she got into the matatu.

They had said their goodbyes earlier and after the “incident” she had been as grumpy as an old maid. She even felt like one in her long polka dot skirt and white T-shirt. She understood why her cousin did not want to hang around her longer than necessary. Hell if the situations were reversed she would be running away from herself too.

As the matatu pulled out, she plugged in her earphones and started listening to Taylor Swift. Since it was bringing back too many memories, she did not want to dwell on she shifted to Rumba; AZDA.

She tried to get some shut-eye, but it was as if her brain was wired to go back to the incident. Saying she had reacted badly seeing Logan again after seven years was an understatement of the year. As soon as the shock of hearing his voice after so long wore off she had turned slowly and seen him right there behind her. Just seeing him standing there looking so good with that stupid charming smile on his face, something had snapped inside her.

She actually felt it snap and went on attack. She had almost clawed his eyes off when one of the bouncers carried her off the club and deposited her unceremoniously outside the club. Her cousin, Lizzy came out running with their purses, jackets and shoes she did not even realize she was not wearing. Standing with as much dignity as she could muster, she smiled politely, took her shoes, straightened her back and walked off. She had almost made a dramatic exit when her heel was caught up in a pothole, and she face planted down on the ground.

Her ego bruised, humiliated, rejected and old wounds open she stumbled home with her cousin’s help. Logan was back in her life five minutes, and he was already ruining it. She knew it was not fair to blame him or even attack him but right now she did not care. She just needed someone to blame, and he was there. Simple.

She did not even know she had fallen asleep until her phone ringing startled her awake. Smiling when she saw the caller identity she received, “Hey mama.”

“Hey doti,” the endearment made warmth spread through her almost cold heart. “Where are you right now? Your grandma wants to send Mukhuana to pick you up in Bungoma.”

Mukhuana was the normal boda-boda man they used from town to home.

“I was asleep am not sure where we are right now. Let me ask I’ll text you in a minute.”

“Ok do not delay we already gave him your number.”

“Okay, mama.’

Not feeling up to asking anyone she just looked out the window. When she saw the sign post that said Webuye she texted her mom. He was there waiting for her when she alighted.

After she had got on the motorbike, a sense of peace enveloped her. She was going home.

******************************

Twenty three years she had been alive and not once had the house changed, was the first thing she thought as she alighted from the motorbike. It was comforting knowing that no matter where she went or where she was in life, it’ll always be there in all its rigid old solid flair.

“Sasha,” she turned just in time to catch her kid sister barreling towards her. Maybe she was not a kid anymore; she was ten years old and going to class five. And even though she balked at being called ‘baby” she was still her little sister.

They walked to the house after she greeted all her other young cousins, her uncle’s kids. Her uncle had been married for almost twelve years and blessed with three adorable children, a boy and two girls. Of course, the first thing they asked was, “What did you bring us?”

Thankfully she had armed herself with a bunch of pin pops, a quick and cheap way into kids’ hearts. Being a student she was all up for cheap.

It was not long after she was enveloped in the warm embrace of her mama’s arms. Then her grandma’s. She felt herself tearing up a bit, but she refused to cry. In their arms, she felt the safest she had been in months. These two were her inspiration. Her rock

LUCKY SERIES BOOK 2

EXCEPT TO INTROSPECT

BOOK SUMMARY.

All Alexander Hart wants is to bury herself in so much pain she does not feel or hear the Voice of guilt anymore. The only person she ever loved was dead and with a childhood past still haunting her she wants nothing more than to just end it.

But she made a promise.

And she never breaks her promises.

Ever.

Brandon just wants to go on with his life, maybe even find a nice lady and settle down with God by their side. What he does not count on is having to rescue a crazy woman over and over from herself.

What he does not really expect is to fall for her.

She becomes his life.

He becomes her hope….

PROLOGUE.

He did not hold back any punches or cut her any slack that was why she loved him. He knew when she was this way she just wanted to fight and she wanted it dirty and bloody. Many times they had carried each other to the emergency room after just both limping and holding there bruised ribs as they used the other for support.

Having him always there for support was the other reason she loved him. He was her rock and she was his. No matter what they had a pact. She was his ride or die bitch.

Now was one of those moment she felt as if an animal had taken over her and she just wanted to beat the hell out of something. To draw blood. As Ivan shifted front and back trying to find his stance she threw the first punch. She knew it was not fair but she did not care. She also knew for sure tomorrow her hands would be sore because she had no gloves on. Catching her off guard still thinking about her bruised hands he landed a punch on her jaw. The pain split through her bones and she felt it explode through her skull like fireworks. Pain was good at least she was feeling something now. Pain she understood. Pain she was familiar with.

Smiling in spite of the pain she said, “Nice touch.”

With the smile of almost an animal stalking his prey, “Are you talking or you fighting.”

She threw the next punch and he ducked and that was when it started. In her head she was not fighting Ivan the love of her life. In her head she was taking back control of her life. She was taking back control from her father. As he landed a kick on her ribs she something burst inside her and all she could see was her father standing over her mother as if in triumph after beating her to a plump. As the pain of jab after jab gushed through her it was as if her father was dragging her out of bed and landing punches after punches on her little defenseless body. But this time she was not defenseless or weak or just stupid. This time she knew how to fight and she was protecting herself. As she landed a few jabs and kicks of her own making sure to miss most of them she felt good. She was in control and no one was taking that away from her. Never ever again.

He was tall and strong and had years of rugby training but she was fast and little and after years and years of self defense classes she could handle herself. They went at it for almost an hour bringing each other down in turns. He tried to throw a kick but she had left him the opening so when he went for it she just launched on his shoulder and used it to propel herself onto his shoulders. Soon they were down and they just lay on the ground panting and hurting like hell but smiling. They just dint have the energy to stand for another round. She knew Ivan also had his own demon to fight that was why they were so good together. They each had their own past to contend with.

“You ok down there,” he asked she could hear the smile in his voice.

Groaning when she tried to get up and felt her ribs hurting like hell, “am fine just don’t know if I’ll be able to breathe tomorrow you got my ribs real good.”

Laughing then groaning as if that laughing was painful he said, “You got my jaw real good. Tomorrow we are going to look real good like a bunch of banged up cars and after your last stunt I do not even think I can move my neck tomorrow.”

Trying to laugh at him but it hurt like hell she answered, “We call the ambulance or you think we can drag each other to the hospital.”

“I’ll always choose to drag you to the hospital princess.”

“You are the only guy I know who after taking a beating from a girl can call her princess.”

“Yah because am the only guy who can love you,” they both fell silence as they acknowledged the truth in that statement. Despite the pain he stretched his arm and she took his hand into hers and they intertwined their fingers together. “The only guy who loves you so much it actually hurts.”

With that statement they closed their eyes and just lay there relishing the pain. Letting it spread through them because it was the only thing they knew. The only thing they trusted. The only thing that was familiar.

Since everything seemed ok it was almost two hours before they made it to the hospital.

Yet it was too late for him.

The last words before he flat lined had been, “I love you so much princess.”

She had stood there as if in shock not wanting to believe that it was actually happening to her.

She had killed the love of her life.

She had killed him.

She had killed love.

CHAPTER ONE.

She had the dream again, the dream where he was laying on the floor telling her he loved her and she was stabbing him over and over and over again begging him to stop. There was blood everywhere. She knelt down next to him and held him crying as the life was drained out of him. Begging him not to leave her alone. She felt the blood seep through his wound to her chest and it felt like it was seeping into her. Through her knees as it flowed and spread around. He was going to leave her, she was crying so much she looked up and howled to God to help her. To save him yet nothing happened.

She startled awake to a feeling of helplessness and guilt with The Voice in her head on repeat on how she had killed him. How everyone she came close to died. How she had no hope. How she should just break the glass shove it down her throat and bleed out. So many times she had almost done, had it not been the promise she had made Ivan she would have done it a long time ago. It was almost as he knew that she had thought of thousand ways to kill herself before he came into her life and gave it purpose.

She could jump out of a moving car and let the car behind her run over her. Jump from the bridge into the river that always seemed so calm maybe the river would share its calm. But even she knew that the turmoil would go on even in the afterlife the river would be reluctant to share its peace. Selfish bastard. She could even jump off KICC which was almost 35 stories up. Hell she could just buy pills for 20 shillings and swallow all of them. She almost smiled to herself thinking that her life was only worth 20 shillings. That seemed about right in estimation. Nothing would be worse than going through the pain she now felt. It would be quick and the pain would end.

Ivan even after being chewed up and spit out over and over again still believed in life and most important of all he never believed in a quick way out. She had been a drunk when they met drowning the voice in the bottom of the bottle. Once when she had almost died that was the day he had shouted at her, he never shouted at her. You try combining a pumped stomach, a raging hangover and a shouting lunatic and even you would quit drinking. He thought her that alcohol could not help with anything; he showed her how to lose herself in physical exercise and labor. She worked so hard until she did not feel anything and then at night she would snuggle up to him for a peaceful night. The voice never bothered her.

With his death the voice came back and now more than ever she longed for a beer, hell just the whole bottle of tequila. She remembered the feeling of disorientation and blankness that came with drowning several bottles and craved it. Yet the necklace Ivan had given her lay like an anchor, reminding her of the promise she had made to him.

She may be a bad despicable person but she never ever break her promise and the son of a bitch knew that. Cursing at him in all the words she knew of she got up sweating from the dream, shoved her feet into her running shoes. She could swear she heard him laughing at her with that smirk she loved so much making her smile a bit.

She hit the road and started running hard; she did not even care where she went. Soon she was lost in the rhythm of the shoes hitting the road and the pain it felt as she pushed through each step. She had not recovered well from the day they fought 2 weeks earlier. So she just pushed and pushed until she was lost in the pain and tiredness and the voice shut up. Yet she kept going and going until she collapsed and let the blankness and unconsciousness envelope her.

End of sneak peak

To continue reading buy now on kindle.

DADDY CRUSH.

LUCKY SERIES #3

BOOK SUMMARY.

Normal people do not just go into the hospital and come back out with babies especially if they are men and they do not know the baby…….

That was the life of Leo a retired navy officer who just wants to enjoy life in solitude until on a routine check he ends up with a baby he did not expect or want. A woman who had come into the hospital wounded claimed that he was her husband and just from the desperate look in her eyes he found himself agreeing. So when the baby mama died he ended up with a baby he did not know where to begin from. Unknowledgeable about kids he would rather assemble guns, plus a baby leads to a daddy crush as they figure it out.

Sabrina knows her sister was in trouble again and when she had called him she took the first bus to the city. When she called and no one picked the phone she knew she was too late for her. Now she has to trace her sister’s steps and find her niece or nephew. When she finally finds Leo will she tell him who she is? Will she help him or just pick up the baby and run……………….

EXCERPT.

Chapter three.

Present day.

When you find yourself peeping into a man’s house from the bush is when you start questioning all your life choices.

“If you want I can just come down there and steal that baby for you,” Roxy said and she knew for her she actually could.

“No thanks just let me handle this in a civilized way. I will just go there and explain to him that I am the relative of that baby and then he will hand him over and we shall walk away,” it felt like a cliché talking about civilization while she was a grown ass woman peeping at his house from behind the bush.

“He could be an axe welding murder or just a baby hogging madman,” trust her friend to have an over active imagination.

Rolling her eyes even thou she was sure her friend could not see her, “Yes all those are real possibilities.”

“Am serious thou if I do not hear from you in the next thirty minutes am coming down there.”

“I can live with that,” she said but Sabrina still did not hang up, talking to her friend calmed her down.

“Rose did a lot of stupid things but this is by far the most stupid thing she ever did,” Roxy added and she did not disagree with her.

Her parents had named her young sister Rose and they had adored her and spoilt her rotten. They had been trying to get a second baby for a while that when she finally came there was celebration. Then when they died it was just the two of them and she kind of picked up from where they left off. By then she was only seventeen and had to raise a ten year old child. When the social services came she pretended she was eighteen so that they would not take her sister away from her. Her parents had been cleaver enough to weasel some cash away for them. Thou it was not much but plus the odd jobs she could get they managed just fine. Rose had never lacked for anything she had made damn sure of that.

Sometimes she thought that she and her parents were actually responsible for the way Rose ended up. She had done so much shit in her life sometimes even disappearing for days on end but she always knew Sabrina would be there for her. So when she had called this time she thought it was just normal sister act until the next day when she called again. To tell her that she was pregnant and heading to the hospital to give birth. Would she please meet her there?

She had taken the first bus to the city. Only she was still too late to save her baby sister this time.

Guilt ate at her, maybe if she had arrived sooner, looked for her more she would not be dead.

Tears she did not know were falling slipped down her cheeks,” I still can’t believe she is gone,” they took a moment just to reflect. Taking a deep breath, “Yet this is not the time to be sad I have a little baby waiting for me to rescue her.”

Roxy, “Go get them tiger, and remember am here for you.”

As she disconnected the call she was grateful she had a friend like Roxy by her side. She did not know what she would have done without her in the last ten years.

Taking a deep breath she turned to face the house, “well here goes nothing.”

*******

Leo was a reasonable and responsible man, he did his duties when he was a kid and when he was in the navy he always had his fellow sailors back. Out there alone with the threat of attack or being high jacked was a real possibility so they always had to be ready. He could work two days straight with only coffee as a backup. Hell he ran five miles daily no problem.

Yet the baby that had been crying continuous for the last two hours put him on edge. Several times he wanted to just pick her up and place her outside. Or drop her off at the nearest hospital. Or better yet just call the policemen and tell them the truth that he had technically kidnapped a baby from the hospital. All those were better options than listening to baby Bella cry over and over again for no reason. Every time he thought about it all he saw were the mother’s desperate eyes so he continued to rock her as he paced around.

It was as if she knew that her mama was dead. As if she knew that he did not have a clue about what he was doing. The lady at the store had shown him how to change diapers and mix her food when he went to pick up supplies. He thought he had done it right, making sure the milk was at the right temperature before feeding her.

Suddenly she burped and just like that stopped crying and fell asleep.

Peace at last, he thought with a sigh. Slowly he placed her on the bed where he had shoved chairs around to keep her from rolling off. If she was going to live here he had to get her a crib soon

After placing her very gently on the bed afraid sudden movements would wake her up, he just sat by the bedside looking at her. Poor baby, she had a tough life ahead of her, he thought. He just hoped the demons of the mama’s past would not come to haunt her in future.

He would protect her the best way he could, he thought as he stood up and started to straighten up. It was amazing how quickly a house could get dirty with a baby in it. They had only been around two hours and it was like everything was dirty. He liked his house clean, he was not OCD by any chance, the Navy had just taught him that everything had its place. He loved everything being in its rightful place.

He was cleaning up the kitchen sink when the doorbell rung. Afraid it would wake up Bella after it had taken him hours to put her to sleep he rushed to answer.

A short, curvaceous woman holding two paper bags stood by the door. The first thing he noted about her was that she looked harassed.

Before he could ask her if he could help her she had shouldered her way in.

“Well hope you are hungry, I make a mean pancake,” she said as she proceeded to the kitchen as if she owned the place. He was still standing there gapping after her when he had pans move around in the kitchen.

Well it seemed today was the day strange people walked into his life, he thought as he closed the door and followed her to the kitchen.

This ought to be interesting.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR.

Lynn Achieng lives in Nairobi Kenya and comes from a family with many teachers. Being a student of Electrical Engineering she is widely read and knows the struggles most people go through.

She started writing romance novels when she was just a little girl and now she spares all the time she can get to develop her writing. She is still new in the publishing world and would appreciate all the reviews on her book. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship between her and you.

Email her with any concerns or ideas at [email protected] and she will take the time to reply and appreciate you all.

Thanks.


Trudging Through 24

Follow me through the adventures of life from being chased down by a cow to being best friends with a goat. As I brave the cold outside world of being a young adult. Broke but still pretty fun… I tried to update the story daily with something fun for you to laugh at. And of course most of them are exaggerated. Chuckle. What is the fun in reality?. People always wish, men especially that women came with a manual, well the secret is ice-cream and chocolate,, find out more. Hope the tips and my experiences help you and make you laugh.

  • ISBN: 9781370244461
  • Author: Lynn Achieng
  • Published: 2017-02-24 14:20:16
  • Words: 32545
Trudging Through 24 Trudging Through 24