by jake connor moss
Copyright © Jake Connor Moss. All rights reserved.
This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons – living or dead, and all events or locales is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in
any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer , who may quote brief passages in a review.
Request to make copies of any part of this work should be emailed to:
no one. don’t make copies you fucking thief.
originally Printed in Australia by Griffin Press
ISBN: 9 780994 268211 Cover artwork by Jake Connor Moss
First Gentlemen Bandit Edition
A TRINDER PARK NOVEL:
THE DEATH OF A RATBAG
THE TEN DOLLAR NOTE FIASCO
JOHNNY DEPP CALLED ME HANDSOME ONCE
THE DEATH OF A RATBAG
I found a dead body when I was walking home from work at 3am.
It was a girl and she had no clothes on. She must have been around ten or eleven years old.
She was wearing a white dress.
I called the cops straight away. I was so scared.
I didn’t go near her for a few minutes. I don’t know why but some part of me just wanted to hold her. Seeing a dead girl on the side of the road made me feel so broken. I held her in my arms until the police came. She looked so beautiful.
The cops arrived soon after and got my contact details. They never called me.
I hope they found out what happened to her. I hope they found whoever killed her.
I think about her every single day.
I was with Billy and Ian when Todd was murdered. We were all sixteen except for Todd who was twelve. After school on
a Friday we all decided to go under a bridge to graffiti Elvis sucking on a big fat penis. Ian was going to paint the penis while Billy and I painted Elvis. Todd had come with us a few times before but he’d always just sit down and watch us as
he kept lookout for cops or pedestrians. We would always play pranks on Todd, all in good fun. Kind of like how older brothers would prank a younger brother. On the day we were painting Elvis sucking a penis, we finished up and got our bags, but we told Todd to wait there for us because we were going to the shops and that we’d be back. We told him that we wanted to re-paint the eyes of Elvis because we fucked them up, but before we re-paint them we needed the bottom layer to dry. Todd was fine with waiting for us, but he didn’t know we had no intention on returning. We didn’t even go to the shops, just straight to Billy’s house – where we all stayed the night. We imagined that Todd’d leave just before it got dark because he’d know his mother would yell at him if he wasn’t back before then, but he didn’t. He waited for us. The pranks we’d played on him before were usually smaller. Like putting a toad in his bag or something. At around five o’clock the next morning someone on a boat found his body floating in the river. He had stab wounds to the chest.
I killed a boy once.
SOME OF MY BESTFRIENDS
William, grade one Marcus, grade four Aaron, grade seven Daniel, grade seven Tyson, grade seven Rhys, grade seven Jake, grade eight David, grade eight Harrison, grade eight Ryan, grade nine Karl, grade nine Aiden, grade twelve Blake, grade twelve
We live in a surface culture.
Everything is about our surface; what we show and tell others about ourselves on social media.
The more appealing your surface, the more people will like your page. But they will never like you because they will never know you, just your surface.
Social media isn’t being used the way it should be.
gurl jus coz u got a fine ass bod dont mean i want u lol
i don care if u look mity fine
u think i giv a fuk??
der r hundrads of gurls dat look as hot as u do u aint dat speshial
You could die today. Try not to be a cunt.
JOHNNY: Dude, I can’t find my phone.
TIMMY: That’s because you haven’t looked for it.
JOHNNY: Oh, yeah!
When I was twelve my Uncle Troy raped me.
It was the night before I started high school. I was always excited to watch movies at Uncle Troy’ s with Dad and Andy, my eldest cousin. Andy was two years older than me but we were pretty much twins. Dad and Andy went to the shops to buy some ice-cream after the movie fin- ished. While Dad and Andy were out, Uncle Troy said he wanted to show me something. He called out from his bedroom, inviting me in. I went to his room and opened the door. He was holding a book and he had his penis hanging out of his blue denim jeans but he acted nor- mal. He told me to come to him, to look at something in the book. I walked to him. I was so scared. When I was next to him, he started reading one of the paragraphs from the book to me. While doing so, he grabbed my hand and put it on his penis. I didn ’t move it, I was far too frightened, so he started moving it for me. Back and forth. After what felt like an hour but was probably only a few seconds, he threw me in front of him, pulled up my dress, bent me over, and started to fuck me. I started crying. He kept saying over and over, ‘don’t cry. It feels so good’.
MOVIES I’LL MAKE
The Passion of the Antichrist
Blues Brothers vs Soul Sisters: Battle of the Sexes
Pulp Fiction 2: Fuck Pride
Bobby Goes To Hollywood
The Good, The Bad and the Oh My God I Love Your Shoes
A Crack-up At The Race Riots
A boy runs through the woods. He is running from his father.
His father is holding an axe. The blade is bloodied. The blood is not the boy’s or the father’s.
The boy hides behind a large rock, the size of a small car. He resists the urge to pant. He can hear his father’s rushing footsteps. Closer. Closer. Closer.
The boy’ s father continues running past. The boy can see his father running. The boy can see his father slow down The boy can see the father stop. The father is twenty me- ters in front of the boy as he begins to turn around.
The father looks down at the ground. He is exhausted.
The boy remains frozen, praying not to be seen by his father.
The father’s eyes begin to slowly look up towards the boy.
Parties are never as good as you think they’re going to be. I’ve been to at least thirty parties and they’re all shit, even the good ones. I don’t know why I keep going, but I do.
My favourite party was Johnny Hay’s end of year party in Year Ten. There was a lot of alcohol because his parents weren’ t strict with that sort of thing. I was drinking vodka and lemon- ade all night. I remember giving head to Stuart Taylor in the bathroom upstairs. It was the first time I had sucked a dick. I didn ’t like it but once I started I wanted to keep going so he’d cum inside my mouth and I could tell the girls at school about it. The girls were a lot different than me. They’re into sex and drinking. I felt like such a fucking loser when they’re talking about it at lunch. Usually at parties I’d just sit down and drink lemonade or something.
I went down on him for about five minutes and he came in my mouth.
I had tequila shots with Daniel Johns at a nightclub in Brisbane Jessica Mauboy kissed me when I was fifteen
I helped Dave Hughes write a joke
I made John Birmingham ‘ROFL’
MY DOG WAS EATEN BY MY NEIGHBOUR
TOP TEN SONGS SERIAL KILLERS LISTEN TO BEFORE MURDERING
1. Oops!… I Did It Again (Britney Spears) 2. Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice)
3. Eye of the Tiger (Survivor)
4. Cry Me A Rivier (Justin Timberlake) 5. Don’t Stop Me Now (Queen)
6. Juicy (The Notorious B.I.G.)
7. Son of a Preacher Man (Dusty Springfield) 8. Ain’t No Sunshine (Bill Withers)
9. Let It Be (The Beatles)
10. Thriller (Michael Jackson)
Heath: Hey Riv, can you pass the salt? River: Why?
Heath: So I can put it on my steak. River: No.
Heath: Come on, dude. River: It’s not right.
Heath: We’re dead, the animal’s dead, is there really any harm?
River: You just don’t get it.
Goon sacks, weed, beaches, jetty, XXXX or VB or Too- hey ’ s, snags, barbeques, meat pies, AC/DC, Powderfin- ger, Silverchair, Ice Break, Miranda Kerr, servos, smoko, tradies, Maleny, Woodford, Byron Bay, Home and Away, Hugh Jackman, Heath Ledger, the Valley, Woolies, Mac- cas, crocodiles, kangaroos, emus, Ned Kelly, pubs, RSLs, Leagues Clubs, He Died With A Felafel In His Hand, tuck shop, surfing, skating, summer, sun, mountains, desert, bushland, koalas, vegemite, damper.
He was at my 16th birthday party. Mum was meant to stay out all night with her friends but they ended up coming home early because one of them passed out. Af- ter an hour of them hanging out in Mum ’s room, Mum came outside and started hanging around me like a fly on a hot day. Mum kept wanting to dance with me, not because she wanted to dance with me but because she wanted everyone to see her dancing. Mum craved being the centre of attention, even at my birthday party. After I said I didn’t want to dance at least four times, she danced without me.
James went and danced with Mum. I don’t even know why I let him come. He was a friend of a friend. After a few songs had played, I looked over to see them dancing dirty. Disgusting. All my friends were there to witness.
It was at this point that my best friend, Lisa, started vomitting. I took her to the bathroom where I held her hair back as she threw up in the toilet. We must have been there for twenty minutes. When we came out Mum wasn’t dancing. I didn’t care where she went, I was just glad she wasn’ t at the party anymore. After I sat down with Lisa in the backyard, a friend from my netball team came up to me and told me that Mum was in the bed- room with James. I couldn ’t believe it.
I walked into my bedroom and there they were. James was pounding it into my naked Mum doggy-style as she moaned loudly with her tits swaying back and forth.
I wonder if Baz Luhrmann would host parties as well as he directs them in his films.
Fuck these fucking towel head cunts. Rowing their fuck- ing boats over here, getting into the country ILLEGAL- LY, and then they get work here, and send the money back to the country that they say they ran away from, and then their fucking terrorists back home buy weap- ons to kill our soldiers. The very soldiers that protecct the country that they pretend to love. Don ’t fucking laugh, because it isn’t fucking funny. And it’s the same with the fucking blacks and gooks and shit. They’re all the fucking same. Why do you think all the asian places don’t accept card? Because when you pay cash they don’t fucking write it down in the books, mate. The tax office thinks they make forty grand a year, when really, they’re making one hundred grand a year. They don’t pay tax. They’re fucking thieves. They drive on our roads and they don’t even help pay for them. They’ re fucking crimi- nals. They ’re bacteria. They don’t
deserve to be here.
I’m sick of pretending that everything is okay when it’s not.
I’m tired of hiding what I’m feeling when people ask how I’m
My father used to always say that he’ d rather be the hunt- er than the hunted.
I’m a squid.
I miss high school. I used to meet my friend at the bus stop near our houses and then we’d get the bus to school. We’d always sit at the back with the boys because they’d always save the seats for us. Boys liked me. In my final year of high school I had a boyfriend. His name was Jordan. He was on the school’s top footy team. After
we graduated he got into university to study medi-
cine. I didn’t apply for any uni courses because I knew
I wouldn’t get it. I enrolled in a TAFE course though. For hairdressing. I dropped out after a few months but I learned a lot. A few weeks after I dropped out I went clubbing with some of the girls from school. I met this guy, Clancy. We spent the night together and he became my boyfriend after a week or two. We got married when I was twenty. Not because we wanted to be with each other forever but because he got me pregnant. I wake up every day and see my belly getting bigger. As much as I love this baby and can’t wait to love it after it’s out, I still wish it never existed. I was so popular in high school. And now I’ m lining up at Centrelink just to afford ciga- rettes.
I moved to Trinder Park six months ago with my Dad after Mum died.
She killed herself three days after she caught Dad fuck- ing the woman next door on the kitchen bench. Be- tween the microwave and the stove. She screamed as she rushed out the front door with tears pouring down her face. She stayed at Aunt Judy ’s that night.
The next day she came home. Aunt Judy must have had a slightly uplifting talk with her because when Mum returned she moved all of Dad’s things downstairs and told him to leave immediately. Dad said no, and that they were to work out their problems and work on their marriage. Mum gave it.
The second day Mum cried. The entire day. I woke up to find her in the study looking through our family photos. They used to be so happy. Before I went to sleep, a few hours after midnight, I could still hear her.
The third day Mum seemed to be normal again. I went shopping with her to get some groceries.
I was in my bedroom upstairs as she made dinner. I walked downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice when I found her with both wrists cut, slumping on the floor between the microwave and the oven.
you don’t want to know me you don’t want to see me you don’t want to love me you don’t want to need me
what not to say
Maybe she deserved it
I’m not a racist, but…
Are you a boy or a girl?
I’m not a homophobe, I just don’t agree with the lifestyle
Oh my God did you watch Keeping Up With Kar- dashians?
I hate this book
Everyone loved Tom.
His eighteenth birthday party was held in our backyard. Mum spent the day setting up the lights around the yard, Dad went out to buy drinks, and he ran the barbeque. Over sixty people showed up. I’d never been to an eighteenth before, and either had my best friends Jordan and Kim, so I was allowed to bring them.
After the party finished, Tom and a bunch of his mates went into the Valley for Tom’s first night out clubbing. Jordan, Kim and I played Playstation. After an hour we got sick of taking turns, so we decided to watch a movie. Tom had a bunch of movies on his hard drive, so we plugged it into my computer and went through it. Jordan and I wanted to watch something scary but Kim wanted to watch a comedy. I wasn’t sure what folder it was in,
so I just searched ‘.MOV’ so all the movie files would appear. Tom had all kinds of movies. HOME ALONE. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. THE HANGOVER. The list went on. JOHNNY ENGLISH. TOY STORY. HIGHLANDER. PSYCHO. DUMB AND DUMBER. SCREAM.
Jordan had the bright idea of deciding to watch one of the movies Tom had most recently watched so I organ-ised the files in order of last opened.
11_03_2005. ROCKY. SUPERMAN. SUPERMAN II.
Although I was going to click on ROCKY, Jordan said to click on 11_03_2005. I said no, because it was probably just some recording from Tom’s phone, or an assignment he did for his Film class or something, and that I just wanted to watch a movie. Jordan called me a pussy and then Kim called me a pussy so I ended up clicking on it.
It seemed pretty B grade, maybe even C grade. The logo at the start wasn’t one we’d seen before.
Kim said ‘This looks so shit. Did they make this logo using WordArt?’ and we all started laughing. Then there was a black screen as moaning sounds were heard. It was at this point we realised it was porn. We started laugh- ing even harder. Kim started moaning along and even though we were all laughing I had to tell him to shut up. Mum and Dad are the most religious people I know, the last thing I needed was them to walk in on me and my mates watching porn. After a minute of a black screen and moaning it cut to the scene. An old, fat, hairy man had his fingers inside a girl, who couldn ’t have been older than nine. She was so small. She must have been doped up on something. Her moans were cries. None
of us said anything. None of us knew what to do. After sitting in silence for what felt like forever, I got up and walked to the bathroom and started balling my eyes out.
Graciously created in faded dreams of better things,
I bet he doesn’t
even know what that even means.
Secondhand-ed, underhanded, uncared for and being used.
Now it’s a struggle to get him to recognise that I’m a person too,
he’s sick minded / his brain has the flu,
Like the only thing he
doesn’t want to see each day is the only thing he ends up coming home to; you.
He wouldn’t have mind if I ate pussy for breakfast, lunch and dinner,
Finger blasting bitches
would have made him think I’m a winner,
But falling in love with my
best friend David makes me a faggot,
I tried to help him
understand but I know he’ll never get it.
These days he comes home in a drunken rage,
An insane state
filled with hate,
looking only to annihilate
Anything that gets in his way.
Like his one and only son.
The same son that’s his one and
only gay son. The same son that
makes him wish he’d never have cum, Inside his son’s Mum, before he
beat her until she had herself hung.
They say dreams can come true, yeah
well nightmares can too, Bitterness
and ignorance make him more Less.
You have no idea what it’s like to be me, you ignorant mother fucker. You think by looking at me you know how I think, how I live, how I am? Do you know how your phone works? Do you know why that thing happens when you press that button? Then why do you think you know me? You don’t. You never will. The only thing we have in common is that we don’t be around for very long, and unlike you, I don’t plan on wasting my time, and what you’re doing now – what you’ve been doing for the last eight months, is wasting my fucking time.
goo goo ga ga
INT. LOUNGEROOM – MORNING
Two housemates sit in their loungeroom. They are smoking
cigarrettes and drinking coffee.
I got bullied heaps in high school. Like, not really anything in particular, just girls being
bitches to me.
People used to call me ’gay’, like, all the time. Probably everyday I got called that. Or ’faggot’, or ’fag’.
And insults like that are so fucking stupid. Kids are cunts.
You ever bully anyone?
Yeah. I used to give this kid shit about, like, you remember those tazos you’d get in chip packets?
COURTNEY Kind of.
Well he used to be really into them, so I used to make fun of him for it, and like, if he was playing with them at lunch, I’d come along
and just throw them all over the ground.
Fuck. Poor kid.
Yeah. I don’t think about it that much. Like, as you said, we were kids and kids are just fuckwhits.
Did he ever give you shit?
Do you know what he does now?
Got hit by a car like a year ago. Died a few hours later.
Courtney lights a cigarette.
COURTNEY (CONT’D) I’ve got to stop this shit.
Beau is still thinking about bullying the boy with tazos.
Fuck. I was such a dick.
When I was nine I put garlic break in the micro- wave and I didn ’t know I was meant to take the aluminium foil off, so a few seconds after I pressed START, blue and green sparks started appearing in the microwave. It was like magic.
My best friend’s ex-girlfriend went to an all girl school. After she was dumped by my best friend, she went really strange. She turned emo for a few months and now she’ s a freak. Always posting photos on instagram of her hold- ing a dildo or some shit like that. She gets heaps of likes but it ’s so weird. Apparently last semester she was caught in the school toilets playing with a cucumber, and that’s why her school bans unsliced vegetables now. I hate to help spread rumours, but I really wouldn’t put it past her.
Any topic can be joked about. Yesterday I wrote a joke about cancer. I was sitting in the city and saw people walking around with “reindeers antlers” and they were selling them to “raise money for cancer”, and the joke was something about – “why would you want to raise money for cancer? It kills millions of people every year, and brings so much misery to the world, why would you want to raise money for it?” (insinuating that the money is being raised for cancer to grow, rather than be cured/ managed) / this isn’t the best joke, obviously as I’m not a comedian, but you get the point. The joke isn’t offensive at all. It’s a joke about cancer, but it doesn’t make fun anyone with cancer. Context is everything. Anything can be joked about. Making a joke about something and making fun of something are two totally different things.
i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die. i hate myself. i want to die.
ORIGINAL MOVIE IDEA #1
Will Ferrell and another comedic actor face a challenge that leads to them both becoming improved-but-still-stu- pid, loveable characters.
I’ve never caught a fish, but I have caught a number plate.
This isn’t a joke.
I went fishing once and caught an old number plate.
Plenty of times fishing. No fish.
Just a number plate.
Was it a sign from God I should get my licence? Probably.
INT. TYLER’S BEDROOM – DAY.
Tyler is crying on his bed. His father is yelling at him from the hallway.
I can’t believe you! How dare you tell me you’re a poof! How fucking date you! Fucking faggot! You gay fucking faggot!
Father enters the room.
You think it’s okay to like boys, huh?! You think it’s okay to be a gay cunt? Well not under my roof it ain’t!
Father roughly pins Tyler down onto the bed, shoving his
head into the pillow.
Tyler doesn’t answer. Father punches him. FATHER
Who is fucking straight?! 64
Tyler is crying.
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you, you’ll have to speak up!
Father punches Tyler.
Who is fucking straight!?
Me! I’m fucking straight!
Who loves pussy!
Tyler is too upset to answer. Father punches him.
I said who loves pussy!?
Me! I love pussy!
Who isn’t a fucking poofta cunt!?
Father punches Tyler.
Me! I’m not a poofta cunt!
That’s what I fucking thought. If
you ever talk about this shit
again, and if I even think for a second that you’re a faggot, I’ll
come down on you like a fucking ton of bricks!You fucking hear me?
Tyler nods his head. Father gets off Tyler. FATHER
And clean your fucking room! Father exits the room.
Tyler is left on the bed crying.
Tyler committed suicide three years ago. His father killed him.
is. rear. rag. red. dead. gear. dear. read. are. dig. rise. sea. ear. side. ride. raid. gag. sad. raise. dare. red.
Ash was my favourite cousin. He was the only boy cous- in I had. He was fifteen and I was eleven. Usually when I ’d go to visit we’d watch TV or play some video games. He had lots of them. He was an only child, he said that’s why he always got a lot of presents.
Every second weekend Dad had to work, so he’d drop me off at Ash’ s. I walked to the front door, took my shoes off, and went inside. Ash was sitting on the lounge watch- ing TV. He was watching Home Alone. Aunty Julie was cleaning the house because she was having a man come over that night. Aunty Julie and Ash ’s Dad broke up when Ash was three or four. I never met Ash Dad. Since then Aunty Julie had a few boyfriends but never longer than a few months.
As I sat down I asked Ash if he wanted to play video games, he said his Playstation broke. After a few minutes of watching more TV, Ash all of a sudden got really ex- cited and said he had something to show me. He bolted to his bedroom and I followed.
Once we were in his bedroom he looked around the place and said he must have left it at school. He didn’t tell me what it was. As we stood in his bedroom he turned to me and said ‘ Do you want to play the Chick- en Game? ’, ‘What’s that?’, I replied. He told me that the Chicken Game was a dare game where we have to do whatever the other persons says, and if we say ‘no’, then we’re the chicken and we lose. I agreed to play. He told me what to do first.
‘Say the f word’
I whispered it and began chuckling. I’d never sworn before.
Then I went next…. ‘Lick your nipple’
He tried and it was hilarious. We were both laughing so much even though it was so dumb.
Then it was his turn again…
‘Touch my dick’
I did it. Not because I didn’t want to lose the game, or because I wanted to touch his dick, but because I was too scared not to. As I placed my hand on his penis I got an erection. I’m not gay, but I was so young and it turned me on. I don’t know why. After I touched it he grabbed my hand and made me give him a handjob until he came. The cum squirted all over my hands.
We did it on a few more occasions.
I didn’ t just do it with Ash. A year after we first played, my little sister Jade had her friend over. I think he was her boyfriend. They were only eight or nine and I was twelve. I was sitting in the backyard as they were play- ing a game. Jade went inside to make a milkshake. I knew she ’d take at least five minutes, so I told her friend to come and sit with my against the house. He did. I had a tarp next to me. I put it over us and said ‘feel
how smooth this is’. He said ‘yeah, it’s pretty smooth, hey’. Then I put his hand on my leg and said ‘is my leg smooth?’ he said ‘yes’. Then I put my hand on his leg and said ‘your legs are smooth too’. After a short pause, and brief eye contact, I put his hand down my shorts, on my penis. ‘Is this smooth?’. He was scared but excited. ‘Yes’.
I said ‘it gets smoother when it gets harder. You should make it harder.’ I held his hand that was holding my penis and showed him what to do. I made sure he had a tight grip as he moved it up and down.
My little sister came back with milkshakes. She stopped. She put the milkshakes on the ground and walked back inside.
Two friends are looking at DVDs in a video store.
Scott: You know what I’ ve been thinking of a lot recent- ly...
Mike: Britney Spears having sex with you.
Scott: Apart from that.
Scott: Using the internet to bring everyone in the world together. Mike: What do you mean?
Scott: Like, building a website that allowed everyone in the world to connect. And within that website we’d each have like, our own personal page type thing.
Scott: Like, take the entire social experience, and put
it on the internet. Talk to people on the internet, call people on the internet. Share photos and thoughts on the internet.
Mike: And you could have settings so only people you like can see your page. And also another setting so peo- ple who you fucking hate can never see your page. Like, blocking them from contacting you. But if you could talk to everyone on the internet wouldn ’t everyone just sit on their computers all day talking to people and not really do anything meaningful with their lives?
Scott: Yeah, you’re right. That was a horrible idea.
Mike: I can’t believe Sophie cheated on me. I really thought we had something.
Scott: I can’t believe how much my neck hurts!
Mike: You still falling asleep on the couch?! Dude I told you it’s bad for you!
Scott: Nah, its not that. I started trying to sucking my own dick a few nights ago. Still stuck at the tip though.
Mike: Okay. I think I should call her.
Scott: No! What are you crazy!?
Mike: What? I need to talk to her!
Scott: Trust me, dude. She cheated on you. She fucked you over. Don’t crawl back to her. If she really loves you she’ll call you, she’ll beg you to take her back, and then she’ll offer you something very, very special. Something that’ll bring you together and make you closer than you’ve ever been before. Mike: Like, marriage?
Scott: I was thinking anal or cumming on her face, but hey, you know her better than I do.
CELEBRITIES LAST WORDS
Johnny Depp: Fuck you, you fucking bastard! Jimmy Fallon: Ewww!
Stephen Fry: I’ve always known this moment would come, but I’ve never thought about it that much until now.
Amanda Bynes: I was born ready.
Ellen Degeneres: Be good to each other.
Oprah Winfrey: Fuck you, nigger.
Adam Sandler: I think I’m gonna start making good movies again.
James Franco: James Franco Kevin Smith: Thirty-seven.
Hugh Jackman: After playing Wolverine eighteen times, I kind of want to die.
Tom Cruise: My only regret is that I didn’t give acting a go.
Tom Hanks: Wilson!
Seth Rogen: *laughs while smoking weed*
BULLIES LISTEN TO KANYE
I bully Matthew because my father treats me like shit.
This is my life: I wake up at 6:30, get ready, go to school, fuck around in class, bully Matthew during lunch breaks, listen to Kanye West on the train home, get home, wank, get beat up by dad.
A little old lady at the bus stop is talking to me about how time goes fast and we should live every moment to the fullest. She then tells me the three most important things are love, happiness and forgiveness. She says if we stay focused and work smart, we can achieve great things.
I don’t care. I don’t know who the fuck you are. Shut up and let me listen to Adele.
I had a free house one weekend as my parents had re- turned to Sydney to visit my sick grandmother. I invited a few mates over and before I knew it there were thirty of us smoking up on the balcony.
When I was ready to pass out, I went downstairs to my bedroom where I found my friend Chris making out on my bed with Bridget, a girl he didn’t really like. I didn’t mind. I just crashed onto my bed, killing their moment. Instead of leaving, they were pretty fucked up too, so
we all just fell laid on my bed. After laying down for
a minute I suddenly couldn’t sleep. I was so tired just
a moment before but then I was wide awake. Bridget was laying between Chris and I, and was facing Chris.
I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned towards me. We began making out and then I went down on her. After a few minutes I look up at her. I could just make out her face as the sun was already beginning to rise.
I suggest we have a threesome. She said she’d only do
it if Chris was involved – which I thought was obvious considering he was the third person in the room. I keep eating her out, and she wakes up Chris and makes out with him. She begins moaning from me going down on her. Chris goes to finger her. He puts his hands down below the sheets, and starts feeling my head.
Chris called out ‘what the fuck?!’.
I said ‘Dude, we’re in a threesome, just go with it’.
He replied ‘Fuck this’ and went back to sleep.
I kept going down on Bridget and then she pulled me up to her. We began making out and then we fucked. Chris was laying right next to us the whole time.
Discrimination is a sign reading:
School children must leave bags outside upon entry to store
I was suspended in Year Ten for a week.
As part of a new state-wide sun-smart operation, my school had stopped selling their caps and began only selling the rimmed hats, which sucked because we had to wear something on our heads at lunch time and the rimmed hats looked dumb. The school allowed us to continue wearing our caps, we just didn’ t have the option of purchasing new ones. This meant that the existing school caps became treasured items -as they were no longer sold.
My best friend Kyle and I had began selling school caps we found. We must have sold around 30 before we were caught. Some in the schoolyard, in classrooms, on the bus and trains home. We were snitched out by Brandon Dixon, an absolute pussy bitch. He asked if we were dealing, I asked if he wanted to get on, he said yes. Kyle pulled a cap out of his bag, Brandon bought it. Later that day the teachers began making sure we were all wearing our own caps, so they began checkin the initials written on the insider. Brendan had been caught with M. Simp- son, Year 8. He ratted my and Kyle out. Teachers raided our lockers during fifth period. I got a week suspension, Kyle got two because he was the dealer to Brandon.
I get released in two days and’ll be returning to school life. Doing time has changed my views on dealing old school caps. It was a pretty silly thing to do. Brandon Dixon is going to get it though.
There were four of us standing around a barrel in my fa- ther ’s work shed. Jim, Tyson, Steve and me. In the barrel was an ankles-tied, wrists-cuffed, mouth-taped Daniel Harper, struggling to survive what he knew was coming. Cement.
Tyson sat outside the shed to keep lookout. Mum and Dad were away for the week, but we weren’t taking any chance of someone seeing us.
Steve poured the cement into the barrel.
We then drove to a bridge in the middle of the night and threw the barrel into the river.
Sarah was Jim’s girlfriend. She was taking photos at a party for the school’s football team. After she had taken enough photos, she was about to leave the party until she was persuaded to enter a room.
Sarah was drugged and raped by Daniel, and hung her- self in her bedroom closet three days later.
THE TEN DOLLAR NOTE FIASCO
THERAPY FOR THE RAPIST
Why do you like raping young women?
Then why do it?
Because I like having sex but I don’t like paying for it
Why don’t you just get a girlfriend and have sex
Like any girl would want to be my girlfriend
Well why not?
Because I’m a rapist
You don’t have to be
But I am. That’s what I’ll always be
A BOY’S LEAP
Fuck u sarah. u cunt. i told u i loved u and i ment it. i neva hurt u. i alwayz treated u wit respekt. but u didnt treat me tha same. coz ur a fuckin peace of shit whore.
now imma jump of dis bilding nd fall to da street. hop u think of dis erry nite b4 u go to sleep.
1. Russell and Skip are in a heated discussion about whose board is better.
2. Tyler and Stacey are making out in the middle of the halfpipe as Jordie and Phil skate around them.
3. Pete is on the phone to his father. His father is yelling. 4. Marcus is waiting for his Mum to pick him up.
DEATH BY NUTS
When I was in Year Two this kid called Reece would always bully me. Sometimes it was just name calling
but sometimes he’d push me over and punch me while
I was on the ground. He was always really mean like that. I never even did anything bad to him. One day I was in the sick bay at school and the nurse was putting bandaids on my knees. Reece had pushed me over on the concrete and both of my knees were bleeding. As
the nurse left I saw a folder called ‘allergies’ so I started going through it. It had a lot of infomation on allergies and how you can treat allergic reactions. At the back of the folder there was a list of students at my school who had allergies, and next to there name it said what aller- gies they had. This one kid had three allergies. As I was scrolling down the list of names I found Reece Ferguson, the bully. He was allergic to nuts. After Dad picked me up from school I went to the pantry in our kitchen and found some nuts. The next morning I put some in my lunch box. Before the lunch break at school I asked my teacher if I could go to the toilet, she said yes because sheknew I was a good student and wuoldn ’t cause any trouble. Instead of going to the toilet I went to Reece’s bag on the bag rack, went through his lunch box and put some nuts in his sandwhich.
At lunch time he started having a fit and then he died because the teachers couldn’t get him his epipen in time.
I graduated high school last November. I was accepted into university in December.
It was a week before I started uni that Dad sat me down and told me I had to start paying rent. He always asid that I would never have to pay rent if I was at universi- ty but since his new girlfriend has been around, things have started to change. I hate it. Dad and I had a fight and then I went to my mate ’ s place. After I was there for a week, I knew I was overstaying my welcome so I start- ed looking for a job. I applied for a lot of places. Hungry Jack ’s was the first to give me an interview. I went to it and ended up getting a job there. As soon as I got paid from Hungry Jack’s, around two weeks after I moved out of Dad’s, I looked on Gumtree for a place to stay. I found a sharehouse in Trinder Park. It cost $140 a week.
I survived there for a few months, but having to pay $140 a week in rent, $30 a week in bus fares to uni, as well as food and bills, I was having to work at least 25 hours a week just to get by – which was detrimental to my uni. I decided to leave uni. After a few weeks of just being at Hungry Jack’s, I had saved up some money and decided that I wanted a better job. So I quit. I quite Hungry Jack’s and planned to get a ebetter job within
a week or two. Three weeks had gone by. I was broke and couldn’t afford any more rent for the Trinder Park sharehouse, so after I had a garage sale and sole all my belongings, I slept in a park. I had my bag with some clothes in it, and $110. Evey now-and-then I’ll crash at a mates place, but never more than once a week. They don’t know I’m homeless. Either does Dad.
I went to Dad’s place about a month ago. The first night I stayed there no one else was home. The next morning he came back with his girlfriend and it wasn’ t very com- fortable for me. That night we were eating dinner and he asks me if I ’m still at uni. I said ‘no’. He then asks me if I’m working. I said ‘no’. He then tells me that if I plan on staying at his much longer that I better get a job.
I’d been living on the streets for four months at this point.
I had become so depressed. I just wanted to hear some good news, or to be comforted. This just made me feel more like shit.
Being homeless wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t so fucking hungry all the time.
You don’t want to be yourself, you want to be an enhanced version of yourself.
EATING A RAPIST
I was coming home from work one night when I was stopped in a car park by a man with a gun. He told me to get into his van. He had a gun, so I did. Then he starts to tie me up. Then he takes off his belt. As he pulls down his pants a man opens the van’s back door and pulls the rapist off me. He then looks at me and tells me to go home.
The next morning on the news, the rapist was found dead, missnig all his limbs.
omg john liked my photo
and tim saw it and got super pissed at me, and he was like ‘why do you even have john
on facebook’ and i was like ‘um because he is a mate’ and tim just said all this shit like how i shouldn’t have my ex on facebook and just being a dick in general. so immature. and then i said ‘yeah well you have courtney on facebok’ and he was like ‘yeah but i dated her in year 9’ and i was like ‘yeah but john and i only kissed
and you and courntney went to third’. then he had a bigger took and i ended up just telling him to grow the fuck up.
TWO THOUSAND AND ONE
This fucking car won’ t start. I knew I should have caught the bus. This fucking piece of shit does this every fuck- ing time. Every time I need to be somewhere urgent at
a specific time it decides to just fuck up on me. Come on! And it’s automatic so I can’t even try push starting
it. I hate to be ungrateful, but I don’t know what Dad was thinking when he gave this to me as a 21st present. Come on!!!! Give me a fucking break!!! I want to die. I just want to die. I’m late for a fucking job interview that’s my last chance of paying rent this month, which means I’ll have to borrow money off Mum which means I’ll have to pay her back, which means I can’t save up for New York for another few months, which means I can’t intern at World Trade Centre this semester. All because of this fucking car not starting. COME ON!!!!!!
YES! IT HAS STARTED! HERE I COME RENT! HERE
I COME NEW YORK! HERE I CAME WORLD TRADE CENTRE!!!!!!!!
THE TEACHER LOUNGE
1. Ms Browning is making a coffee. She is considering retiring sometime after her next stroke.
2. Ms Fox is marking an assignment she doesn’t even know the answers to.
3. Mr Abbott is eating a sandwich his wife made him. She doesn’t know he’s fucking Mrs Anderson.
4. Mr Cooper is writing his first novel. It’ s about a teach- er who wants to kill himself and is having trouble writ- ing his first novel.
5. Dr Miller is planning next week’s English class on Shakespearean Negotiations.
6. Mrs Anderson is wearing stockings for Mr Abbott. 7. Mr Fuller jokes with Ms Cartwright about rape.
8. Ms Cartwright’s sister was raped two years ago.
My mother breastfed me until I was six.
She has photographs of her breastfeeding me and she shows her friends when she’s drunk. Mum said that when I turn eighteen next month she’s going to show everyone at my birthday party. If she does I’ m going to kill her. I bought a gun last week and if she shows any- one, I ’m going to pull out the gun and blow her fucking head off.
Chloe and I had been dating for a year when she asked me to kill her father. She burst out into tears as she told me he’d been hitting her since she can remember and that the night before he choked her up against a wall and threatened to kill her if she didn’t steal a car for him. I love Chloe. I’ve never cared about anything or anyone so much. A few days after she told me what was going on, and what she wanted me to do, I drop by her place while she’ s at netball training. I saw her father in the backyard, mowing. As he turned away from me and began mow- ing in the other direction, I ran up behind him and hit him over the head with my cricket bat. After the third time I hit him, my cricket bat broke but it was no time to stop. I took the sharp piece of my broken cricket bat and stabbed him in the heart area a few times. I left the bat there and now I ’m here.
THE BOYFRIEND JOURNALS #1
I’m still at Pacific Fair with my girlfriend as she shops for clothes. I’m surviving, but barely. I set up base on a bench outside KOOKAÏ (the shop my girlfriend is in), but after twenty minutes one of the sale-shoppers sat next to me and proceeded to talk about the humidity. She was old, Italian and smelt like peanut butter. I left the bench and am now standing, waiting for my girl- friend to finish shopping. I have some water, but not enough to survive on for long – if my girlfriend doesn’ t return soon, I may die of dehydration. A group of other boyfriends are standing around the outside of the shop too. We have not spoken a word to each other, but some- times words are better left unsaid. We can sense each other ’ s pain. Through our own experiences we know how each other are feeling: alone, helpless and complete- ly miserable. We can see a boy inside the shop with his girlfriend, he ’s clearly new to this game. Sure, at first he feels as though he can handle shopping with a girl, but give him a few months and he’ ll dread this day-ruining, mind-fucking activity as much as the rest of us. Or may- be he ’s just gay. Either way, at this moment he is making the rest of us look bad. Fucking asshole.
THE BOYFRIEND JOURNALS #2
I’m still at Carindale with my girlfriend as she shops for clothes. She’s in KOOKAÏ. I remind her this is the same shop she visited for 93-minutes while we were at Pacific Fair yesterday, and she says something back to me but
I can’t make it out due to the chattering sale-whores surrounding us and the 90s pop mix Carindale’ s speak- ers have been forcing upon me since I got here. I have left the store and am now on a bench. I didn ’t tell my girlfriend I left and am beginning to think it wasn’t such a bad idea; this could be my chance to make an escape. I start fantasising about a new life consisting of Mexico, beers and babes with my amigo, José. This fantasy dies when I realise my girlfriend drove us here and I left
my Go Card at her place. There will be no escaping to paradise today. A man sits next to me. He’s wearing a cap indoors but I won’t hold it against him; his wife probably makes him wear it because he’s bald. Poor shiny-headed mother-fucker. He looks at me and smiles, which is just the right amount of hope I need. I smile back. He put his hand on my knee. This man has no wife.
THE BOYFRIEND JOURNALS #3
I’ m waiting in the car as my girlfriend attends a church service and, despite being convinced the group is a money-hungry cult and its leader is the fucking anti- christ, I encourage my girlfriend to attend the rituals as this is usually when I get most of my writing done – but not today. Today I am lying on the leopard-print covered backseat of the Hyundai, wondering how, when
I was younger, Santa always managed to deliver presents to children all over the world after I poisoned the cookies I made for him, and also, why was Dad always sick on Christmas. Concerns like these are what keep a young man like myself up at night. It’s been 45 minutes since my girlfriend left to pray to a God that keeps cock blocking me, and I’m beginning to construct a getaway plan to leave this miserable relationship consisting of torturous acts such as having to watch films based on Nicholas Sparks novels, pillow fights that don’ t lead to sex and shopping adventures that last longer than some- thing that lasts really long. After three-to-seven minutes it metaphorically hits me that I have keys, but not just any keys – keys to the car I am sitting in. Perhaps I could go to Townsville and become an alcoholic after I marry a goat called Jeffery (not by choice, that’s just the kind
of thing that happens there) or maybe I could cross the NSW border and become one of them. They all seem like complete cunts, but happy cunts nonetheless – after all, anything is better than the relationship I’m currently in. I move to the driver’s seat and am reminded that I don’t know how to drive because my parents never loved me enough to teach me, but who needs them. I find a car manual in the glovebox but unfortunately it tells me everything about the car except how to drive it. I could hitchhike my way out of here but I have a fear of M&Ms and you never know if a driver will have them on the floor of their car or not.
THE BOYFRIEND JOURNALS #4
I’m sitting at the table at my girlfriend’s place, eating dinner with her and her parents. It’s in hard times like these that even atheist men turn to God for answers. If my life were a movie right now it’d be sadder than when Jack dies at the end of Titanic, or when Romeo dies at the end of Romeo+Juliet, or when Jay Gatsby dies at the end of The Great Gatsby. Come to think of it, they all look pretty similar. Maybe it’s the eyes, I don’t know. I’m trying not to look up at the clock because I know it’ll just make time go slower. It feels as though I’ve been sitting here for at least three weeks, holding back the tears of suffering. I just want to leave this place. I’m beginning to miss my friends and family. I wonder what Dad is doing right now. I hope he knows how much he means to me.
I hope he knows how much I love him. I look at the clock. It’s been seven seconds. To think that this time six months ago I was sweating it out on the d-floor of a club in the Valley, getting drunk off tequila shots, grinding
up against anything that moved (and sometimes even things that didn’t) – but enough of that for now. I’m here and that’s all that matters. The faster I finish dinner, the faster I can return to the bedroom and not get laid (that’s what I get for telling my girlfriend I’m ‘not like other guys’ before we started going out). As I eat an omelette – which my girlfriend’s Filipino mother insists is a traditional Filipino dish, like every other meal on this fucking planet – I contemplate pretending to choke and pass out so they call the ambulance to take me to hospital so I don’t have to sit here any longer, which is a great plan until I remember that The Walking Dead is on television tonight. I fucking love that show. While I’m constructing a new plan to escape this table of terror I can hear the most annoying, dreadful sound in the world, but to my surprise, it’s not my girlfriend. It’s her homophobic bogan father ranting on about how ‘fuckin’ gay’ Home and Away is. Unless they’ve heavily redesigned the show since I last caught a glimpse of it, I’d say he’s misusing the word ‘gay’, which I’d be a hypocrite to say is wrong, considering I misuse the words ‘delicious’ and ‘amazing’ when I describe the ‘traditional Filipino dish’ my girl- friend ’s mother made – that definitely isn’t an omelette. I look at the clock again. It’s been eleven seconds.
THE BOYFRIEND JOURNALS #5
I’m at the movies with my girlfriend. We’re watching a romantic-comedy but there’s nothing sweet or funny about it. We’re thirty-four minutes in and she still hasn’t got the hint that I was only being nice when I offered
her my jacket. I didn’t think she’d actually want it. I even reminded her before we left the house that it’d get cold and that she’ d complain about the cinema air-condition- ing like she always does, but she insisted she ’d ‘be fine’, ultimately leaving me to pay the price. I’m just praying she doesn’t find the piece of paper in the left pocket with the list I made titled ‘Things I’d Rather Do Than See A Movie With My Girlfriend’. I knew I should’ve put it in my wallet instead. The theatre is semi-full, mostly with older couples, but a few younger ones too. There’s this old couple a few rows in front that haven’t moved since we got here. I’m not sure if they’re really into the film’s corny dialogue and recycled plot, or just dead. Come to think of it, the theatre does smell like old, rotten, decomposing human flesh, but that could just be my girlfriend’s feet again. She likes to take her shoes off in cinemas, and to be completely honest, I’m always shocked that no one complains to the theatre about the smell. To my left, about five seats over, are a young couple. The guy looks just as sad as I feel. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through these terrifying movie-dates is knowing that I’m not alone, and that someone else feels my pain. What a poor dude. I can see a single tear rolling down his right cheek. A single tear representing everything that’s wrong with this world. He leans closer to his girlfriend. One can only hope he has the strength I could never possess and that he’s about to tell his girlfriend how he feels; alone, helpless and scared. Come on, man, you can do it. Tell her you want to leave and watch the cricket with your mates. I believe in you. He leans in even further – as he finally has the courage to say what he is thinking. “This part is so sad, oh my God”.
GOODBYE SWEET THING
ashlee was a nice as girl. she probz the bestest girl i ever seen. when she found out ma dad waz hittin me she let me stay at her place for few weeks. she even fed me and gave me bus money even tho i never went to school. ashlee had a job at maccas even tho she waz in yr 10 liek me. she was employer of the month like too for three times in a row or somethink. relly nice girl. aint no one ever loved me like ashlee did. she gone now tho. apar- rently ashlee had a shitter life then i did. her dad used
to play wif her when she waz little and i think he did even when she waz older. nd i think thats why she killed herself. saddest day of ma life when i herd da news. dat waz years ago now tho. i still think bout her wheneva i look at ma little girl. her names rosie. i want to be the best dad in da world. be the dad that ashlee should of had. miss u ashlee. hope heaven is treatin u right xoxoxo luv jordie
My uncle raped me when I was seventeen. It wasn’ t the first time but it was the last. After he came on my tits I stuck a knife through his chest. The knife had been un- der my pillow since he last tried something.
We were the only ones home. Mum and Dad weren’ t coming back from their China trip for another week. I pushed him off me and ran downstairs, closing my bed- room door on the way out.
I stayed down stairs for forty minutes. Too scared to return but eventually I did. He wasn’t on my bed. He had rolled off onto the floor. He was dead. I took his body and put it in the car. I went back inside and spent the next two hours cleaning everything as fast as I could. I didn’ t know a person could bleed so much. After every- thing was cleaned, I took the sheets off my bed and put them in the car too. I then drove to a spot by the river, about an hour away from home. I ’d only been there once with my friends a few years ago and I always wanted to go back. I pulled up by the river and pulled my uncle out of the backseat and onto the rocky ground. I didn’t look at his face. I couldn’t. Before I go to drag him into the river, I decided to take his clothes off. I don’t know why. I just did. Maybe it’d be harder to identify him without any of this clothes.
Four months later and it’s Halloween. Mum and Dad are still heartbroken that my uncle’s body was found in the river with a stab wound. They wish they knew for certain what happened to him. As I walk downstairs I’m wearing
my uncle’s clothes. The black and red flannelette shirt. The white t-shirt underneath. But most importantly, his silver necklace with a crucifix. My Mum stares in shock as he asks me ‘who are you meant to be?’, and I reply ‘a monster’.
Where am I? And how did I get here? An older man with a beer gut and lots of tattoos is ramming his cock in my ass as he calls out ‘yeah, you like that you dirty fucking slut’ as I pant and reply ‘yeah, I like that big cock in my ass’. Less than ten years ago I was still playing with dolls, and still hadn’t got my first period.
He slaps my ass as he continues fucking. He is pushing his dick as far into me as he can, as hard as he can, as fast as he can. Shitting will hurt for the next five days. I was going to go to university but I had a fight with my Mum moved out of home. When I moved out of home I had to work to pay for rent and bills, and ended up not having time for classes. I would have graduated last month.
He flips my over and sits me up on the bed and furiously masturbates. He is about to cum. I open my mouth and stick my tongue out.
STRIPPERS WITH TERESA
I went to Showgrils with a group of friends.
My girlfriend didn’t want me to go but I went anyway. We’d been arguing a lot and I needed a night out.
My mate Paul brought a few of his friends. One of them was Teresa. I had met her once before.
After a few hours of heavy drinking, and popping some MDMA, everyone decided to go to another club close by. I said I wanted to stay. I don’t know why. I just didn’t want to leave. Teresa said she didn’t want to go either.
After the others left she asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said ‘no’. We then began to make out. After making out we left Showgirls and were on our way to get a cab back to her place so we could fuck, when I see my girlfriend hanging out with one of her friends in the city.
She sees me leaving Showgirls with a girl under my arm, and I’m clearly on drugs.
We broke up, and I felt like shit. I still do.
the last time i cried was because my little sister told me she was gay and i felt so bad for her because our father is ho- mophobic. I just want her to be happy.
I’m a monster. If I’m in the city and I see a pretty girl I just want to fuck her so hard and then cum all over her face. I don’t even care if she wouldn’t like it, I’d still do it. I’m not telling this to shock you, I’m telling this to warn you. This is what I’m like. And there are plenty of me. You think I’m thinking these things alone? No way. No fucking way. I’ve never raped anyone and I don’t think I ever will. But I wouldn’t mind it.
THE DEATH OF A RATBAG
The ratbag was fifteen. He stole money from his moth- er ’s purse semi-weekly. Sometimes a note, mostly coins though. He’d use the money to buy weed from his dealer, Joe, or blowjobs from a slut, Lisa. The ratbag had a job at McDonald’s but was fired after not showing up too many times. His boss tried to molest him twice. The ratbag had a girlfriend but she dumped him after she saw him getting his dick sucked by her best friend. He said he was sorry. The ratbag would wag school. When he got home from the skatepark his father would abuse him, a few times even knocking him out. The ratbag wants to be like other kids. He wants to be normal. But he can’ t. Be- cause he can ’t see his problems being solved. So he dies.
JOHNNY DEPP CALLED ME HANDSOME ONCE
Today I sat down to promote my new film on television but ended up being asked about my diet.
TRINDER PARK HIGH
1. Ben was suspended for smoking weed in the locker room.
2. Christine got fingered behind the school hall by Sarah. It was their first lesbian experience.
3. Tyler is a loser and didn’t hand his art assignment in.
JOHNNY DEPP CALLED ME HANDSOME ONCE
It was the strangest thing. I was seeing a movie with my mate, Corey, when I saw Johnny Depp sitting a few seats over from me. I couldn’t help but stare, not knowing if it was really him or not. After the movie was finished and the lights were up I knew for sure. As we left the cinemas I went up to him and said ‘hey, I loved you in Ed Wood’, which I actually fucking hated, but it was the first film that came to my head. He stopped and said ‘thanks, man. I’m glad you liked it’. I didn’t want him to go because
I knew I’d never see him again so I tried to keep the conversation going, ‘what are you doing in Sydney?’, ‘just here for a film’, ‘what one?’, ‘I can’t remember’, ‘what are you up to now?’, ‘I’ve got to go back and meet with some people’, ‘okay, have fun’.
And he left. A few days later one of the girl’s at school said she saw me talking to Johnny Depp and he asked what we spoke about. The right thing to’ve done in this situation, as with many situations, would be to tell the truth. But there was something inside of me that just didn’t let that happen.
Jordie: Well I saw this movie and then he just came up to me, and I he was like ‘hey, do you know who I am’ and I was like ‘yeah, you look familiar’.
Sarah: Oh my god, he walked up to you?
Jordie: Yeah, anyway, he was like ‘hey, you just looked so handsome, I think you should give my agent a call, and
I’m like ‘I’m pretty busy with school work’
Sarah: Oh my god, he wanted you to call his agent?
Jordie: Yeah, is that a big deal? Anyway, I said I’d think about it.
Sarah: I can’t believe it. Johnny Depp is so amazing and beautiful and he will totally make you famous.
Jordie: Yeah, he probably will, but I don’t know if it’s what I want.
Two weeks later we were at a party and she sucked my dick.
Buddy and Alex were always doing crazy shit. Once they went into a servo with guns while wearing clown masks, and they made the guy working there dance like a monkey while singing ‘I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston. They didn’t even take anything – other than that guy’s dignity of course.
I was already running late for work and as I was driving down my street I realised I’d left my phone on my bed. I went home and my boyfriend, James, went inside to get it for me. After two minutes I thought it’d taken too long. I waited a little longer. After five minutes I had no idea what was going on. I’d’ve called him if I had my phone. After seven minutes I went inside and found James on the tiles of the lounge room with blood pouring from his neck and a screw driver on the ground next to him. I froze. I could see the backdoor open.
THE FIRST TIME I RAPED
She works at the reception at my office. I’m in real estate. I waited for her to close up on a Friday and I raped her in her own car. It was dark and I wore a hood. She still doesn’t know it was me. When I come into work in the mornings I walk past her and I smile, and she smiles back.
She doesn’t know who she’s really smiling at.
LIES I’VE TOLD
1. Dad had been to prison (8 years old)
2. Brother was a soldier and died in Iraq (10 years old) 3. Cousin was Ian Thorpe (5 years old)
4. I had superpowers but couldn’ t prove it or else my super- power God would find out and I ’d be sent to superpower hell (6 years old)
5. Family owned four homes (13 years old)
6. I had a job as a banker in the city because I was really smart (9 years old)
7. Johnny Depp called me handsome (16 years old)
8. I was born in Bosnia (6 years old)
9. I’m vegan (8 years old)
10. I bought alcohol because the shopkeeper thought I was an adult (11 years old)
12. I bought cigarettes because the shopkeeper thought I was an adult (11 years old)
13. I’ve had sex (37 years old) 14. She wanted it (40 years old) 15. I love you (17 years old)
16. I’m straight (11 years old)
EXT. STAIRS – MORNING
Two boys sit on stairs leading to the front door of a house.
One is Boy, a slim, early 20s male.
The other is Friend, who fits a similar description. He has
You coming Saturday?
FRIEND Why not?
What’s on Saturday?
I can’t but I wish I could.
Alright. Suit yourself.
Boy pulls out a jacket from his bag. 136
You left this at my place.
Friend smiles. He is excited.
Holy fuck! I totally forgot about this thing. When did I leave it at yours?
Must’ve been when we walked back from Sarah’s place that time. I think it was her eighteenth. Found it when I was cleaning last night.
Thanks heaps, man.
INT. BOY’S BEDROOM – LATER
Boy is in his bedroom, hanging himself in his wardrobe, with a belt around his neck.
A BREAK-UP LETTER AT THIRTEEN
Yeah, this is it. It is over. We clearly have different views on what an ideal relationship is, and this isn’t what I want. We argue too much, and have different priorities. This obviously means a lot more to me than it does to you, and I don’ t want to be in a relationship like that be- cause it is actually very frustrating. I mean, we just spent 20 minutes arguing over me having your best friend on Facebook, and after I said no, you persisted, and I don ’t care if you’re drunk or not, I hate it when people try to pressure me into doing something when I have clearly stated what I am going to do. And I can’t believe you’re actually asking me to add her when you even agreed that she’s such a cow at times, and she said shit about
me to you, and she fucked up a friendship in my group by fucking a friend, I clearly have my own reasons that are nothing to do with you. And you told me you got back from a party, and then said that you couldn’t see me Sunday because you had work to do, ‘What the fuck’ was going through my head, because Tuesday you were the one telling me that I don’t pay enough attention to you and don’t have time for you, well bullshit to that,
it is the opposite. At least I don’t leave my shit until the last minute so it takes over only time that we get to hang out for more than an hour. And knowing that you must have made the decision ‘Nah, I’ll just go to a party and get drunk, and do my school work on Sunday when I am meant to see my boyfriend’ is annoying. And if you really only have one time slot free to see friends a week, then don’t pretend that you want to use it up on me, because you clearly don’t. And if I didn’t ask you if we were still on for Sunday, I wonder how long it would have been
until. I found out, because you clearly didn’t tell me back when you made the decision that I wasn’t going to see you.
You say that you wanted this to work but I doubt that so much because you make it so hard, I have never had to work so much on a relationship in my life, it is so stressful. I have wanted to end this at least 5 times over the past month but what always stopped me was the thought of how things were in January, but now I have just accepted that things will never be as good as they were, especially not for long. At Grill’ d on Thursday I actual- ly thought it ’d all be fine and that everything was great again, but then tonight
happened and it has taken a 180 yet again. It’s over. It’s done.
[* I SOLD MY SOUL FOR A PACK OF DOR- ITOS *]
I sold my soul for a pack of Doritos.
When I was in Year Ten I smoked a lot of weed with my best friend, Reggie. After an hour or two we’d always get the munchies hard out which sucked because no shops were open near his place at 2am. One night we had the munchies so bad, we told the Devil we’d sell our souls for a pack of Doritos. The Devil said he needed one soul for each pack of Doritos. After coming to the realisation that we didn’t really need two packs of Doritos, Reggie and I played scissors, paper, rock. The loser had to sell his soul. I lost at first, but then we played best out of three and I still lost.
Now I have no soul.
We hung out in the skatepark and wore black. People were scared of us. Tim, Ed and I all had dead dads. It’s what brought us together.
Tim’s Dad died in a car crash.
He was on the phone to Tim’s Mum.
Ed’s Dad died from cancer.
I forgot which kind. Pancreatic I think.
My Dad was eaten alive by my uncle.
SUCCESS IS THE BEST
I want to be famous. I’ve always wanted to be famous.
I want everyone to love me. I want everyone to know
my name and know my face and want to be my friend. I want people to buy me drinks when I’m out even though I have enough money to buy the club. I want girls to want to fuck me even though they don’t even know me. I want boys to want to be me even though they don’ t even know me. I want universities to give me honorary de- grees because they think I ’ m so successful and wonder- ful. I want to never have less than twenty million dollars in my bank account. I want to have three houses, eight apartments, nine cars and three boats. I want a private jet. But more than anything I want, I want my ex-girl- friend to know how much she ’s missing out on.
Fuck you, Rebecca.
Chloe had blonde hair and blue eyes and was with my old best friend, Josh.
Chloe used to have brown hair, brown eyes, and she used to be with me.
We dated for two years. I was crazy about her. I am crazy about her. We were great at the start. We’d always go out for breakfast. We’d watch movies. We’d make dinners. We even lived with each other for a bit. It all went bad though. I was busy with uni and she just wanted to go out and get shitfaced. She’d realised how hard it is to become a successful actor, and that she’d have to rely on more than just her looks, so she gave that up. She also gave up modelling when she realised she’d have to go to the gym and have a strict diet for more than just two day at a time.
It was strange seeing her again. I mean, she was the same, but she’d changed so much. I couldn’t believe
it was the same face I’d slept next to so many times. I wasn’t even meant to see her. I was only in the Valley to buy some cigarettes. I could have gone to the 7/11 near my place but I felt like going for a walk for whatever reason and ended up going to Night Owl, right where all the clubs are.
She saw me. She was pretty drunk, and my hair is longer now, so I don’t even know if she’d recognised me.
Chloe didn’t plan on leaving me. I know this because she left her bag on my bed the last time she was here. She had planned on coming back. I was sitting on my bed crying after she hung up the phone. I’ ve never drank to sooth sadness but this time I did. She got me a bottle of Chivas Regal for our two year anniversary. I had half. Af- ter a few hours of listening to Bob Dylan I went through her bag. Nothing much in there. A scarf, some tampons, receipts and lipstick. I looked at the lipstick. She always wore dark purple. It matched her white skin and black hair. I put it on. The closest I ’d get to her lips again. I kept drinking. The more I drank the sadder I became. I knew I wanted to be happy. I looked in the mirror and began pressing my lips up against it. Before I knew it I was making out with the mirror. But that wasn’t enough. I began jerking off. Anything to feel anything other than what I was feeling.
INT. GEORGE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
GEORGE and CLANCY are smoking weed as they lay on George’s
Remember when I dated Ruby? It was for like, a week or two a couple of months ago.
Yeah. The chick with the weird feet?
They weren’t that weird. I brought her over here once and we were going to do it on the floor -
Where bouts on the floor?
Right where you’re laying.
That’s messed up.
But we didn’t because -
She had standards?
GEORGE No. She-
So she didn’t have standards?
No. Yes. Dude, shut up I’m trying to tell you a story. Anyway. I brought here over here and we were going to do it on the floor.
Where I’m laying.
Yeah. We’re undressed and I’m about to – you know, put it in – and then she says -
I have standards.
Clancy breaks out in laughter.
Do you want to here this or not!? Because it’s a really good story and I totally don’t care if you don’t hear it.
CLANCY Okay… Jeez.
Right before I put it in she tells me… she’s pregnant.
She was my girlfriend and we hadn’t had sex yet. The kid wasn’t mine.
Why would I have had sex with her? She was pregnant with some other dude’s kid.
A pregnant pause.
Is that your story?
Your whole story?
That was horrible. That had the worst ending in the history of endings. That ending was so bad it could have been written by M. Night Shyamalan.
Run. Run away. Run away and don’t ever come back. Run until the you see the sun no more. Run until the moon burns your skin. Run until you know
no nose but your own. Run until your mother is a memory you have trouble remembering. Run until your hair falls to the ground. Run until your feet become your shoes. Run until you have nothing to lose. Run until you promise to never run again.
Not a promise like the thousands you’ve broken, rather a promise like the only one you’ve ever kept. When you told her you’d love her forever. Possibly the only collection of words you’ve ever met.
Charlie: Do you ever think about life?
Don: Yes. But I think about death even more. Charlie: It’s so strange. We could die any moment. Don: We could have died already.
Mum got Rufus when I was six. I’d been asking her for a puppy for a few months and she kept saying no because she’s scared of dogs. I never knew why exactly but she was. One day in class I wrote a letter and put it in the mailbox when I got home. It said ‘Dear Mum, I think you should get Timmy a puppy. From God’. She got me a puppy. She got me Rufus.
SENIOR PASTOR RYAN
I trust you are all doing well.
I am continuing to believe with you for ‘ unusual mira- cles ’ and I pray that you are experiencing supernatural answers to prayer that are unique, rare, extraordinary and from the most unlikely sources.
It’s hard for a man to be honest with his struggles but sometimes it’ s too hard to hide. My humble six bed- room mansion on Sauvignon Island was broken into on Tuesday night, and my car was stolen. Although I love to leave these things in God ’s hands, sometimes we must also turn to each other for help. Until my baby is found I am accepting donations from you, my lovely church, to buy me a new car. If my car ends up being returned to me, this money will then go towards buying me a new boat, so I can worship and speak to God from water, where his son once walked.
Bank details attached.
Senior Pastor Ryan
Timmy went missing when he was eight years old. That’s six years ago now. Every day I think about how much he would have grown. He probably would have had his first girlfriend by now.
John wanted to have a funeral for him but I refused. Having a funeral or memorial service, to me, is giving up. I can’t do that. I have to believe that my baby is still out there, and pray to God that he’s not being harmed.
I went to the shops earlier and a lady recognised me from the teleivions. She said she is sorry for my loss. This hurts so much. It implies that he is dead. He can’t be. Can he? No, I musn’t believe it. My boy can’t be dead. He has to be aliive.
Oh dear, I miss you so much, Timmy. Please come back to Mummy.
I love you so much xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
God Bless, wherever you are
WHY OUR PETS LOVE US
Bunny: Do you love me?
Boo: Of course. You pay for my food.
I dated George for three years. He treated me well but our relationship turned sour when he started his new job. He had to travel for weeks at a time and it made us resent each other. Four months after George and I broke up, I dated Peter. He seemed really nice at first. We met through a mutual friend. Peter and I dated for almost a year. When I left him he made up a fake dating profile with my name, face, email and phone number publicly displayed, and in the ‘about’ section he wrote that I was into beastiality and sex with children. I had phone calls and emails hourly from creeps. Some who lived right near me. I took him to court but because he didn’t post it from home, he couldn’t be linked to the profile.
SATISFYING SARAH (A ROMANCE STORY)
I first masturbated when I was eight. All I could get my hands on were underwear catalogues from the neigh- bours letterbox. Ours had a No Junk Mail sign. I was so excited when I knew I was about to masturbate. Like a trip to Dreamworld. I ’ d go into the toilet, lock the door, skip through the pages until I found a girl I really liked. Page eleven. Blonde hair, fair skin, bit tits, black under- wear. She was my girl. She ’s so hot. She’s biting her lip. She’s biting her lip for me. She is dressed like that for me. She looks like that for me. She’s looking at me. She’s on her knees. She’s begging me to cum on her face. But she’s not there. Just the tiled floor where my cum hits.
I got my first phone when I was twelve. I’d use it to look up porn on the internet. Sometimes even in the school toilets with earphones. I’d watch the dirtiest porn I could find. There was this one where a bunch of guys were all cumming on this hot sluts face.
By the age of fifteen I was masturbating at least twice a day. Sometimes four times. Each time was watching another video. More and more hardcore.
When I was nineteen I started watching rape scenes. They’re fake, not real rape of anything, but it was the most hardcore I could find. The girl would be screaming out ‘no’ and ‘it hurts’ and I’d be thinking to myself ‘yeah, it hurts, because my dick is so big’, and at the end of some of the videos the guy would choke the girl while he cums on her face.
At twenty-three years I got my first girlfriend, Sarah. She was a virgin and so was I. She’d been to second base but that’s it. After we spent the night drinking with friends
I brought her over to my house and she wanted to have sex. I did too. We get naked and when I was about to
put it in, I went soft and stayed soft. I figured it was just because I was drunk and she agreed.
A few days later she came over after work and we tried
to have sex again. I couldn’t get it up. She kept saying ‘it’s okay, it happens’ which made me even more embarrassed and angry.
The boy dangles from a rope from a tree branch.
He didn’t want it to end not like this.
He is sorry for your worries but it’s the only way.
He couldn’t last another day.
He wishes that he could have been saved.
But he wasn’t, because you never asked how he was.
Imagine you love eating bacon and someone says you can’t eat it anymore. That’ s how I feel about eating hu- mans. I can ’t hide it anymore. I love eating humans. A few months ago I was at home resisting the urge to go out and prowl the midnight streets in search of a meal.
I wanted human for dinner so badly but I didn’t want to hurt anyone. After watching two episodes of Seinfeld I give in to a thought that’d been making appearances in my head since I first ate a person; eating my housemate. He moved to Trinder Park from the US. He was studying Drama until he realised he’d rather get high everyday instead. He also pays his rent late and it’s always given me the shits. I walk to his bedroom and after knocking on his door a few times with still no answer, I open it slightly. I see him sleeping on the floor with a needle still dangling from his arm. I leave the door slightly open as I head to the garage. After returning from the garage with a hammer, I creep into his bedroom and bang him on the head a few times.
You know the hardest part about eating a human? It’s not the killing, it’s the marinating. I’ d known this moth- erfucker for three years and with all the late-rent and all the laziness, he ’d never caused me so much trouble. His blood was all over the place and he’s been sitting in my freezer for almost a week now.
Think I’ll just deep fry the bastard.
I’ve been caught masturbating three times.
1. It was the second time I’ d wanked. I was in my bed- room. The door was open because I thought I was home alone. As I ’m about to cum, my sister walks in and asked me what I wanted for breakfast.
2. When I was twenty-three and had just been laid off from my job as a roller-coaster operator at Dreamworld, I spent a lot of time looking for work and masturbating. I was floggin’ myself hard-out when I get a call. I had
to answer it because I knew it could be about work. I answer the call and it’s my girlfriend. A few seconds in to the conversation she asks me what I’m doing, I say watching TV, she replies ‘are you masturbating?’, I reply ‘not anymore’.
3. My girlfriend decided we’d be celibate. She didn’t tell me, we didn’t discuss anything, one day she just stops putting out. So one night I’ m extremely sexually frustrat- ed, so I begin to have a tug. I ’d been in bed for around thirty minutes, and she went to bed an hour before I did. After a few minutes I’m gripping the sheets in my left hand, and pumping my cock in my right hand. Just as I’m about to climax my girlfriend says ‘I hate it when I can’t get to sleep’. I’ve never lost an erection so fast before.
There’s this girl I’ve always had a crush on. She drives me crazy.
welcome to your first acid trip
today you’ll be experiencing a lot of weird shit. just remeber that everyone dies, so if you see a dragon about to eat you stay perfectly still as it may not even be real.
CUT IT OUT
I bought scissors to cut the sleeves off my black t-shirt. I thought it’d make me look tough. As I left the shop
I tried taking the scissors out of the plastic packaging but it was too hard. I went back to the shop and asked if I could borrow their scissors to open the packaging to my scissors. While I was there I asked if I could cut the sleeves of my black t-shirt and they said yes. Then I asked if I could have a refund because I didn’ t need the pair of scissors that I bought from them. The lady at the store said no because it was already out of the packag- ing. So I took my new pair of scissors and stabbed her in the eyes.
I’ve always known I was a boy, even when I was a little girl.
Trinder Park is a scary place. It’s so beautiful during the day but that’s just what makes it so scary at night.
My best friend was raped. My younger brother is home- less. My father is a millionaire. My ex-girlfriend is a pornstar.
Does Johnny Depp eat meat?
Dylan died in a car crash.
He only had his learner’s licence but I asked him to get me some steak for tonight. He always did whatever I asked of him. He always wanted to make me happy. On the way back he was hit by a semi-trailer as it came off the highway.
In the car they found the steak along with some flowers and a card. The card said ‘for a beautiful Mother’ on the front. He hadn’t written inside it yet. I wonder what he would have written.
We are all going to die. Every single one of us. Isn’t it
a beautiful thing, death? No matter how pure or evil a person you are, at the end of this road you will end up in the ground. Dead. The only living you will do will be in people’s memories for a generation or two if you’re lucky.
In a thousand years, no one will know you ever existed. You are your own purpose for living.
I lost my virginity to a prostitute named Destiny.
My older brother was never much of an influence. Not a good one anyway. He was drinking on a Tuesday night and I was still in my school uniform. He asked me if I had lost my virginity yet and I said no because I wanted to impress him but he could tell I was bullshitting. After he took a piss, probably the tenth of the night, he told me to get in the car. I did and he drove me to a brothel. On the way I was worried he’ d crash the car because he was so drunk, but he didnt. I arrived safetly at the broth- el and my brother made me quickly change into some
of his spare cothes he had in the back because there’s no way they’d let me go inside in my unifoprm. Once we were inside they didn’t even check my I.D. My brother gave the reception lady some money and then I went into a room and chose my girl and then I fucked her.
She was a curvy black girl. She sat on me and bounced up and down as my dick continued to slide in and out
of her pussy. Then we did it doggy-style on the bed and after a few minutes she put my dick in her ass and a min- ute or two later I came.
It was the greatest day of my life. It was only three days ago, but it’s still the greatest day of my life.
A: oi mother fucker i asked for a large
B: you only had enough for a medium
A: fuck. this place always puts its prices up
B: yeah but it’s still a good deal
A: oh shit she’s got some fine ass titties
B: so good
A: you know emily
A: the girl that gets the bus and has brown hair
A: shes cute hey
B: shes 12
A: yeah but shes pretty curvy for a twelve year old aye B: yeah true dat aye
A: would you fuck her
B: i dont know hey shes like four years younger than us A: i would her pussy would be mad tight
B: yeah good point aye bruhz
A: this burger is so fucking greezy
B: fuckin good shit though aye cunt
the most beautiful thing in the world is the woman
SOMETHING MY FATHER ONCE TOLD ME
Son, you’re going to go through a lot of difficult times in life. You’re going to want to kill people, and sometimes maybe even yourself. But it’s important to remember that at the bottom of everything, we are all here for the same reason: to die. That’s our reason for living. We are all meant to die and we all will die. So don’t get caught up in rumours or any of that bullshit. It means nothing. A lot of people will put on masks. Masks of good people. But they’re not, son. They’re not good people. They’re the cancer to society like the cancer to your mother’s lungs.
FUCK YOU ALEX
goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye
goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye
put a smile on your dile we’ll see you in a little while goodbye for today
we’ll see you again
put a smile on your dile we’ll see you in a little while with spot and all his friends
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jake Connor Moss is a writer, artist and filmmaker from Brisbane, Australia. He was born in 1994.
He needs more sleep.