To Diamond

Poetry by David H. Tran

 

© 2016 David Tran

All Rights Reserved.

I wrote this book for you,

I didn’t tell anyone about this.

Nobody knows this exists.

I want you to find this on your own.

Behind this line,

you will find,

all of my feelings I hide inside.

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1

It isn’t my time,

but I have nothing to lose,

so I’ll do what I choose

Behind this line,

you will find,

everything I want to do with you:

 

- Wear matching clothing

- Explore an abandoned theme park

- Steal a shopping cart

- Wear a hazmat suit, wigs, and fedoras

- Play hide and seek in the woods

- Go dumpster diving

- Drive,

for a really long time

- Look at the stars,

late at night in the middle of nowhere

- Share a bed

- Touch our heads

- Hold our hands

Below you’ll find my shallow plans:

- Get married

- Make love

- Have kids

- Be happy

I want to spend the rest of my life with you

 

2

You were my best friend

You were my everything

You saved my life,

only so you can kill me yourself

You were my world,

and now you won’t even let me talk to you

 

3

You leave me here,

in the holes of sidewalks of your heart,

so that I could walk you slowly become an addict

 

4

Your bus arrived every morning at 8:17 AM

I would always be sitting here waiting for you

I loved watching you run up the stars

I loved it even more when you decided to sit beside me

I never liked it when those seats were taken,

it’d force you to sit on the other side of the small round table

That meant you had no reason to talk to me

I hated the days where your bus was late,

or the days where you didn’t show up at all

Honestly it drove me insane

 

5

Every time I see you,

it hurts

Because it always reminds me of our future that doesn’t exist

To be honest,

I hate seeing you with someone else,

it’s like the same feeling but a thousand times worse

It reminds me of your future,

where I don’t even remotely exist

 

6

You chose to sit with me

You could of ran off with your friends

You could’ve ran off with him…

Yet you chose me

I doubt that will ever happen again,

but you made me feel like I actually mattered to you

 

7

I hate how your name is “Diamond”

I can’t go anywhere without seeing it,

splattered like paint on the city streets

It’s strange,

whenever I first met you,

the name was so easily disregarded

But now,

the most beautiful name in the world,

belongs to the girl who is now,

the most beautiful girl in the world

 

8

It was the last day

You didn’t say a single word to me

You didn’t even bother to look at me

You were my best friend,

and you didn’t even say anything to me

How little do I actually matter to you?

 

9

Those long phone calls we had,

those were my favorite

Especially the times where you didn’t cut me off,

because you were too embarrassed that we were friends,

and you didn’t want anyone to know we existed

But of course we never existed

Sometimes I had nothing to say,

and we’d just stay in silence

I didn’t mind it though,

I actually loved it

It never felt as cold as it actually was

And your voice was so soft,

and so sweet

I can’t begin to tell you how warm it was

 

10

The greatest feeling in the world,

is whenever you tell me you love me

Or at least I think so,

I’ve never had that feeling before

 

11

Did you forget?

Or were you just not listening to me?

You’re sorry?

Do you really even care about me?

 

12

You’re not like a sister

You’re not like a cousin,

or my wife,

or my girlfriend

You’re my best friend

and regardless of how I feel,

you’ll never be more,

I know that now

 

13

I’m bored,

tired, lonely,

and kind of cold

I have a lot on my mind

I have a lot to say

I just want to talk to you

Why can’t I just talk to you?

 

14

I wish you would stop

I wish you would shut up

Please

15

I don’t deserve to be happy

I thought I did,

but after what I tried to do

I realize the side of me I tried to hide,

actually does exist

I don’t deserve to be happy,

and I definitely don’t deserve you

I’m sorry

 

16

I baked you a pop-tart,

‘cause that’s the best that I could do

I put my heart into this pop-tart,

so maybe I’ll impress you

 

17

Summer break is almost over

I don’t want to go back

I don’t want to see you with him

I can’t do it

I can’t handle it

I have nowhere to hide

I have nowhere to go

I can’t run away

I’m trapped

 

18

Who am I to you?

Have you ever felt anything for me?

How do see you me?

Did you ever love me back?

You never told me how you felt,

I need to know

 

19

How often do you actually think of me?

I’m always thinking about you

Everything I do

Every piece of clothing I wear

Every word I say

Somehow,

I do it all for you

You’re always on my mind

How often am I in yours?

 

20

I find it hard to believe when you say you are my best friend

You have so many people to choose from,

why do you choose me?

It doesn’t make sense

I find it hard to believe when you say you care about me

because you’ve hurt me enough to make me think otherwise

That’s probably not your fault though

I’m sorry that I think that

I do believe you when you say you miss me though,

I don’t know why I believe that and nothing else but I do

I miss you too

I miss you so much

 

 

21

I love you

I love the way I can see the stars in your eyes,

The way they try to escape through your tears…

I think I’m obsessed with you,

and the soft sound of your voice

The way it soothes my ears…

I love you

I love the way you smile,

like a broken sweet defeat,

you smile like a goddess

The way your music of the mind moves my feet…

The way you make my heart beat…

My obsession to impress,

the way you help me rest…

An intercession to confess,

in succession, I digress,

as I reach into my nest of fears,

I tell you that at best my ears,

they only know your voice

I’m afraid of the void

I’m afraid of the dark,

and all its little toys

I’m afraid of being alone

I’m afraid one day you’ll leave me,

down here on my own

But I love you regardless

I can’t help but feel the way you make me feel

 

22

I think I’m gonna kill myself,

but don’t worry about me

Be happy,

Like you told me you would try to do

Like you made me promise to myself,

but I can’t

I’m no longer a burden to you

Death for me,

is not an anchor to you

My living was

Don’t let me hold you down

I died months ago

Be happy,

please

That’s all I want from you

You are all I care about

I hope you read all of this

 

 

DAVID H. TRAN

THE SLEEPYHEAD

ROXANNE AND THE COSMIC CLIMAX

THE MAKE OUT KIDS

THE ADDICT

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