To Be or Not To Be
That’s the Question?
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Reproduction, duplication or copying of any part of this publication in any form or whatever means is strictly prohibited unless the author gives consent. The images and illustration remain the intellectual property of the author.
Copyright 2015 Dame DJ.
Written permission must be secured from the author to reproduce any part of this book.
This book was not written with the intention to provide professional advice and ought not to be used if professional services or advice is required. Hence the author of this publication is in no way liable for the improper use or misinterpretation of this material.
Being married for life, to one woman, working for life for her, and her offspring, was not a man's idea, as an animal with 2% difference in DNA to a chimp, would not come up with such a concept, and had he done, his fellow cave inmates would have crushed his skull, and made toothpicks from his splintered ribs.
Thousands of years of cultural evolution, setbacks, famine, war and rebuilding societies, thrived and then conceived of the institution of marriage, mainly to protect the mother and the children, and now we are struggling with it.
Without decades of planning, women would have been herded up for Friday nights, shagged and eaten if they got old and fat… No, sorry, the opportunity to ‘get fat’ came after the concept of marriage, when he killed the beast and brought it home.
The harem came way before the ‘one-on-one’ marriage, a man had to be rich and successful to defend and feed more than one woman and children.
Only having the one wife was like only having the one cow – a bad bet, very risky, ineffective, but it’s become the norm and very happy we all are… aren’t we all happy?
Fact: Playboy magazine has never released a copy with only one woman on all the pages.
Fact: Men don’t feel guilty about turning those pages.
“Women hunt husbands, men hunt sex, then become husbands. Think hook/worm/fish, then lunch.”
The goal of marriage ‘in the shortest possible time’ is probably one of the most risky and dangerous moves a person can ever make and the way relationships, and marriage is now moving is different for both sexes.
The urgent emphasis on securing a partner hides the devastating agony felt by both parties, and kids, when that arrangement doesn’t work out.
The divorce rate is soaring, so are the Internet online dating sites, and they feed off each other.
‘Romance’ is the hard pre sale, but after that, all the truth comes out.
A percentage of human beings should be carrying government warnings on their foreheads, as they are simply not equipped to be good husbands, wives, fathers or mothers.
It’s not all black and white out there, but a million shades of grey, and truthfully, no one person can ever satisfy all the needs of another, so compromises have to be reached.
Unrealistic expectations, deep disappointments, the boring reality of domestic life, and financial pressures are factors written into affidavits, and it’s making the lawyers rich.
In an organised society deeply embedded with religious beliefs, the institution of marriage was to take on responsibility, feed and protect the children, respect and value family roles, commitment and stay the course.
We are now undermining all of that.
Fact: Until you are actually married you are still just another ‘date’.
Fact: Your opinion of your partner is distorted by orgasms, but your friends and family’s opinion of them is not.
Basic physical attraction is visual, it’s the way nature designed us for selecting survival skills, breeding, and genetic enhancement e.g. long legs to run, good teeth to chew, and two eyes in the right place, and if a person is considered beautiful it’s endlessly seductive.
No one looks for the twisted, mangled, spotty people, and the beauty industry is promoting looks and health levels that are almost unattainable.
We need blood tests before marriage in many countries, but it won’t be long before we will need to present a genetic printout showing up family problems.
The eyes assimilate a lot of data, but they cannot translate all that into a ‘personality’.
A person sees a culture, a type, a style, an age, or size, but it takes time to understand the personality of whom you are dealing with.
The emphasis on romance and popularity has become too ego based, ego enhancing, flattering, and manipulative. Its short term and trivial.
The basic principals of dealing with each other as human beings gets confused when sex and romance enter the room; the lines get tangled, and priorities get mixed up.
Nothing we are experiencing is new. We live in an age of technology, strong visual images and instant gratification, but it’s all been done before. The past is not outdated.
In this guide we are attempting to unravel a few fundamentals, putting forward some common sense, old-fashioned manners and basic values.
Fact: Other women look at the size of your engagement ring, and then they look over at him.
Love is a wonderful thing, and better than any face cream.
It’s a powerful emotion, unique, unfathomable, and strikes us out of nowhere while we search for its secret place but we cannot find love, love finds us. That’s why you ‘fall in love’. You do actually ‘fall’.
Flirting and seduction get a person noticed, and promoting that is a huge industry that advertising agents apply all those qualities globally, to any and every product imaginable.
Homes, holidays, furniture, clothes, perfumes, entertainment, insurance, marriage and divorce are all centered on the union between a couple.
That’s what I call a ‘big employer’.
As the market place become more competitive, earnings fall, profits fall, so the dumbing down of marketing takes place to shock and attract the largest audiences, so naturally it includes more sex. Sex sells.
We live immersed, overwhelmed and flooded with messages that have become the new normal, and it’s the children who are absorbing it all unconsciously.
By visually demonstrating more sexually than we are comfortable with, we are cheapening it, losing respect, and giving it a position it does not deserve. Sex is not the most important thing in life. (Shopping is:)
It draws in the wrong partner for the wrong reasons.
The oldest profession in the world – prostitution – takes care of those who desire this ‘service’. It is a ‘service’ industry, executed, and paid for, by two consenting adults.
Two people should be on an equal footing, interacting with humour, intelligence, honesty and no hidden agenda. Not every man is a semen donor, and not every woman is his pole dancer, and they should not act or be treated as such.
It’s called dignity.
Only a couple of generations ago beauty and elegance were comfortably out of reach of the masses. It was the domain of Hollywood stars, and we were all happier for it.
They never looked real, domestic, pushed shopping carts, carried children or exposed sex tapes for fame. They didn’t need to. It was all about damage control, but now the ‘damage’ has been marketed like some kind of achievement. It’s sickening.
A manicure was something the French did, we hated salads, never exercised, suntanned all summer, danced, laughed and pizza was an exotic dish from the men from Italy with greasy hair.
There were no shortcuts to fame, popularity, riches, position or happiness.
Gracious acceptance and gratitude were our companions.
Fact: Getting married then ending up looking like the ‘housekeeper’ will ensure you become one.
Fact: Having a young, fit au pair around the house won’t help your future much either.
“Make yourself happy darling” said a patient husband one day.
This partner changing business is a great deal of upheaval, costs a fortune, makes the lawyers rich, and ruins Christmas.
Being single again is about learning about yourself, other people and where you fit in solo. You are no longer automatically invited, listened to, taken home, paid for, or even telephoned again. It’s brutal.
All that theoretical marital support that took years to build is gone within a couple of strokes of a pen, a petition filed and a scrappy declaration of ‘Decree Absolute’ a few weeks later. I am yet to see anyone frame up their divorce Decree Absolute.
You are left to your own devices, your own shortcomings, your own insecurities, and time is not on your side.
The good news is the glass is half full. Being single again is not climbing Everest, rowing the Pacific or crossing the Lower Nile, but it will take some planning and effort.
It’s all about becoming consumed with something new, interesting, to avoid the deep holes of self-pity, abandonment, and Prozac is not the answer-it’s expensive.
No prescription drugs are ever permitted for any reason. Cry, scream, moan and wail all you want. It will pass but prescription drugs are a life sentence of another type of pain and suffering.
The average person has no training, is not emotionally, or mentally equipped to deal with a divorce or suddenly being alone, so think, and think again, before leaping into marriage.
Fact; Marriage is a prerequisite to divorce.
Fact; Divorce is not an ‘opt out’ clause and you can’t return your partner with a receipt.
THE TURNING POINT.
The question of whether to be single, or stay married, is one about 60% of married couples ask themselves every day. They simply don't know. It's an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, and then another day passes.
Are you 51% happy, or 51% miserable? Its Simple math’s.
Take a pen and paper, mark down the hours in the day over the period of a week, and mark each hour ‘happy’ or ‘miserable’. Add them up at the end of the week, and there is your clear answer.
The point at which a relationship had turned the corner, become more negative than positive, is an impossible place to pinpoint.
If you had been bonded by love it’s not glue that can be easily unstuck, no matter how many miserable days you have together.
Hold on tight to love as it lingers for years, and you cannot wish it away, wash it off, or date with a free heart.
If your marriage is causing you to lose your composure, health, sanity, youth or career, its time to start re-evaluating your circumstances.
It’s your decision and no one wants to take responsibly for it, as the consequences are all yours.
No one wants the blame for giving you the wrong advice; it’s your life so you decide your path.
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Do you want to be single? Do you want to stay in the relationship you are in? Do you know? Do you ask yourself that very question every day? We all vacillate, we all want the best of both worlds, its normal, we need guidance and now. Dame DJ's book 'To be or no to be Single?' draws from a lifetime of experience and gives solid, helpful advice to cover all generations. Questions like are you happy? Are you wasting time in life? By first helping us how to fathom out if you should even think about becoming single again, or if the relationship has really ended and how to even know. She explains to us there is no rush, there is time to think, evaluate, helping us know exactly what we are dealing with. Dame DJ book 'To be or not to be Single? That is the question?' obviously shows she has been there, tackling issues in her life, like dinning out alone, travelling alone, how to introduce your kids to a new partner, role-play, boundaries and expectations. This short book is full of facts, a quick, clear, direct, honest read that reminds us all of a few old fashioned truths we had forgotten, clearly written and easy to remember.