(And why it’s ok to laugh at them.)
Edited by Sandra Orloff
Are you a self-righteous asshole on a political correctness crusade?
Looking for the next big thing to get all outraged over?
Do you plan on being highly offended by this book?
Remember, just because YOU find dead baby jokes insensitive and offensive doesn’t mean you have the right to ruin the fun for everyone else. Think of it this way: Just because you have a nut allergy, you don’t get to ruin the Peanuts movie for everyone else.
These are just jokes. Terribly tasteless jokes. But just jokes nonetheless. You know, Freedom of Speech and what not. No actual babies were harmed during the making of this book. So don’t get your politically correct panties in a knot, sugartits. Relax, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to laugh. I won’t tell anybody what a sick puppy you are. It’ll be our little secret. It’s ok to laugh at terrible jokes. Really. (More about that at the end of this book.)
How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.
What has four legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children’s playground.
Why did the nurse throw the newborn baby out of the hospital window?
To see how high it will bounce.
Why did the football player kick the dead baby across the field?
Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time.
What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
What’s the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
With an axe.
What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.
Who’s the most famous dead baby?
Casper the friendly ghost.
KNOW YOUR BABY
What’s the best present to get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What is red, screams, and crawls around in circles?
A baby with one hand nailed to the floor.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor too.
What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing razor blades.
What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with its hair on fire.
How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.
What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
What glows pink in the dark?
A dead baby with a flashlight up its ass.
What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.
What is red and pink and can’t turn around in a narrow hallway?
A baby with a javelin through its head.
What do you do with a one-legged dead baby?
Use it as a ping pong paddle.
What’s the worst thing a blind and deaf baby can get for Christmas?
What is 11 inches long, stiff, and can make a woman scream all night?
What is red and creeping up your girlfriend’s leg?
A homesick abortion.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
How do you spoil a baby?
Leave it out in the sun.
How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab ‘em all with a pitchfork.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match: Woof!
How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, Then run it through a bandsaw: Meeow!
How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn’t cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
How do you get the baby off the ceiling?
Blindfold a Mexican, give him a stick, and tell him the baby is a piñata.
HOME IMPROVEMENT AND INTERIOR DESIGN
What dangles in the wind on a clown’s front porch?
A baby bone wind chime.
What is charred and sits next to your TV?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.
What is green and stinks and sits next to your TV?
The same baby two weeks later.
What’s red and lies in all four corners of the living room?
A baby that’s been playing with a chainsaw.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
That depends on how hard you throw them.
What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.
What do you do with four dead babies and a sheet of glass?
Make a coffee table.
What is the difference between a baby and a dart board?
Dart boards don’t bleed.
FUN IN THE KITCHEN
Why do some people keep a dead baby in the kitchen drawer?
A dead baby makes a great nutcracker.
Why do people boil water when a baby is being born?
If it’s stillborn at least you can make some soup with it.
What is cold, blue and doesn’t move?
A baby in your freezer.
What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.
What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.
What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
How do you get a dozen babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
What’s the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of pureed baby?
You can’t gargle with gravel.
Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.
What’s red and slimey and makes your girlfriend cry when you try to feed it to her?
How many dead babies does it take to make a burrito?
One, and you still have leftovers for some tacos.
What do you call a baby on a stick?
What do you call a 30 week-old preemie?
What is the difference between a dead baby and a candy bar?
About 500 calories.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I wash an apple before I take a bite out of it.
How is a baby like a grape?
They both give a little wine when you squish them.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and peanut butter?
The dead baby won’t stick to the roof of your mouth.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster, but you have to put the baby in the oven.
What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
What is brown and keeps it’s juices in?
A baby in an oven bag.
What is the difference between a dead baby and an onion?
I have to cry when I chop up an onion.
What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One’s fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one’s a water melon.
What is purple and squeals when you shake it?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS
What is the definition of outdoor fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.
What do babies and baseballs have in common?
The neighbor gets angry when you throw them through their window.
How is a trampoline different from a dead baby?
I take off my cleats before jumping on a trampoline.
What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.
What is red and hangs on trees?
What’s left of the babies after you hit them with a snow blower.
What is green and hangs on trees?
The same left overs two weeks later.
What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
What’s the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies?
What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
How do you save a drowning baby?
How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
Why did the fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
Dead babies make the best shark bait.
What is more fun than watching a dead baby swing around on a clothesline?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
ON THE ROAD
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
What bounces up and down at 100 mph?
A baby tied to the back of a car.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead baby?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Why did the family take the dead baby along on the camping trip?
So they could light it on fire and toast their marshmallows.
What’s the difference between a pickup truck full of bowling balls and a pickup truck full of dead babies?
You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
What’s better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
Tying them to your tires and skidding.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of this little ebook! Did you laugh? Be honest. Do you feel guilty for laughing at some of these tasteless jokes? Don’t. Laughter is a human coping mechanism that helps us get through the day. Life is filled with tragedy, and we would all go crazy if we were somber and serious all the time and didn’t have the ability to laugh at the bad things that happen all around us on a daily basis.
You’ve heard of the Puritans who colonized America, right? But do you really know anything about them, other than that they supposedly had Thanksgiving dinner with some Native Americans? Did you know for example that they believed laughter is sin? Seriously. Google it. The Puritans were basically an American version of the Taliban. They were crazy extremists. They were against laughter, against music, against colorful clothes, against smiling, against joy in general. They thought life on Earth was supposed to be earnest, solemn and serious, filled with pain, sorrow and hard labor in honor of God, and anything that brought earthly joy was a temptation from the devil. Therefore, anything that made you laugh was bad. Pretty silly, huh? I think Sean Connery hit the nail on the head when he said: “Laughter kills fear, and without fear there can be no faith. For without fear of the devil there is no need for God.”
The current wave of political correctness is a form of intellectual Puritanism that tries to tell you that laughing at “the wrong things” is a sin. To be fair, the political correctness movement started out as an attempt to make this world a better place. A place with less racism and hate. But the attempt failed, because it went too far. Extreme political correctness zaps all the joy out of life. It takes away our one and only coping mechanism. If you’re afraid to laugh at fat people because politically correct Puritans tell you that’s fat shaming, and you’re afraid to laugh at skinny people, and dumb people, and black people, and Arab people, and white people, and poor people, and old people, and dead people, then what is there left to laugh at? Nothing. If you eliminate every single joke that could potentially offend someone somewhere, there will be no jokes left.
But humor cannot and should not be regulated. A sense of humor is one of the things that makes us human. Humor is lawless. It’s wild. It’s freedom. In a free society, we must all be able to laugh at whatever we want, even if some Puritan out there finds it offensive.
Here’s some food for thought:
“Why do we laugh at such terrible things? Because comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy.”
-Bryant H. McGill
“There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.”
“When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.”
“It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.”
-Louis C. K.
“My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.”
“We laugh to keep from crying.”
“I’m a big believer in, no matter what you go through in life, as long as you can laugh your way through it, you’re going to be okay.”
“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”
“God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”
-H. L. Mencken
“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”
-George Bernard Shaw
“To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.”
“Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative.”
“I hasten to laugh at everything, for fear of being obliged to weep.”
“Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.”
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
“The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.”
“You must learn to take life less seriously and to laugh.”
-Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
“You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.”
“Nobody ever died of laughter.”
“If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.”
“With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.”
“I don’t think it’s possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor.”
“I want to feel passion, I want to feel pain. I want to weep at the sound of your name. Come make me laugh, come make me cry… just make me feel alive.”
-Joey Lauren Adams
“It’s nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.”
-Larry the Cable Guy
“I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it’s crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it’s laughing. Nowadays, we would say, ‘How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.”
“I will never be a fan of any kind of political correctness: I think it’s instant death to creativity.”
“A lot of people are bored of all the political correctness.”
“Political correctness has become a straightjacket.”
“Political correctness is one of the engines of nannyism. Allowing and even encouraging ‘offensive’ ideas is vital for the intellectual health of a free society.”
“Political correctness means nothing to me. Nothing. It’s the new Puritanism, darling. Preventing us from expressing ourselves.”
“I believe that political correctness can be a form of linguistic fascism, and it sends shivers down the spine of my generation who went to war against fascism.”
-P. D. James
“It’s worse than Jerry Seinfeld says: Political Correctness is undermining free speech, expression, liberties.
Generally speaking, good jokes are in bad taste. They tend to mock the respectable rules and morals of society. By its nature comedy is always controversial, pushing as it must at the limits of what passes for taste and decency in any era. That is why there have long been attempts to control what is deemed ‘acceptable’ humor and to censor what is not. And why many writers and comedians have tried to subvert the rules. However, as with other issues in the Anglo-American free-speech wars, the terrain has shifted. Once the complaints were about blasphemous and indecent comedy, and the censors were conservative politicians, policemen and priests. Now the protests are more often against comedians accused of breaking the new taboos – racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, anti-Semitism and the other usual suspects. And the demands to shut them down tend to be led not by old-fashioned prudes but by radical online activists.
We have come a long way since the upsurge of modern radical comedy in the 1960s, when the Jewish comedian Lenny Bruce could be arrested in America and barred from Britain for using the word ‘cocksucker’ on stage.
These days Lenny Bruce is revered as a pioneering comedy hero. Yet if the young Lenny were magically to appear on the New York stage today, what reception might he get? His routine about a psychopathic rapist meeting up with a nymphomaniac after they each escape from their respective institutions, or suggestion that he enjoyed sex with a chicken, or description of his audience as ‘seven n****rs, six spics, five micks, four kykes, three guineas, and one wop’ might not get him arrested for obscenity by the US state or barred from entering Britain, but it surely would see him accused of racism and sexism and possibly the abuse of animals and the mentally ill by the outraged illiberal liberals of the ‘shut-it-down’ lobby, who would try to have him banned from campuses. And Bruce’s insistence that he used the n-word and other offensive epithets ‘just to make a point,’ that ‘it’s the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness,’ would not wash with the new comedy censors, who claim the right to decide what jokes others should be allowed to tell or to laugh at, what points they should be permitted to make, all in the public interest of course.”
Are you a self-righteous @$$hole on a political correctness crusade? Looking for the next big thing to get all outraged over? Do you plan on being highly offended by this book? Remember, just because YOU find dead baby jokes insensitive and offensive doesn't mean you have the right to ruin the fun for everyone else. Think of it this way: Just because you have a nut allergy, you don't get to ruin the Peanuts movie for everyone else. These are just jokes. Terribly tasteless jokes. But just jokes nonetheless. You know, Freedom of Speech and what not. No actual babies were harmed during the making of this book. So don't get your politically correct panties in a knot, sugartits. Relax, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to laugh. I won't tell anybody what a sick puppy you are. It'll be our little secret. It's ok to laugh at terrible jokes. Really. (More about that at the end of this book.)