The Tales of Tim Hurtletuta
Matthew James Wilkins
“Together as one”
First Edition September 2015
Copyright 2015 by Matthew James Wilkins
Being Human Publications
Edited and contributed to by Josefin Henrysson
Original cover design by Alessandro Gottardo
This book is dedicated to us
I’d like to thank you, dear reader, for choosing to be part of Tim’s journey again. As the scribe of Tim’s experience, I am truly honoured to have you here and wish you a beautiful journey in each other’s presence. I’d also like to welcome you if this is your first encounter with Tim and reassure you that if you have picked up this book unaware of the journey that has gone before it, that there’s no need for you to start at the beginning. You can of course do so if you wish to, however, try to trust the choice that feels right for you now inside this present moment, not the choice that you feel you ‘should’ be doing for some other moment that doesn’t exist. It is in this trust that your path lays.
“Daddy, Daddy!” came a squeaky little tug from my trousers.
“Yes,” I replied, not looking down.
“Tell Milly it’s my turn to hide! She’s hidden three times in a row now. It’s not fair! I want to hide!”
“It’s only because you haven’t found me yet,” came another, slightly less squeaky voice from behind me. “You don’t get to hide until you find me in less than five minutes. That’s the rule.”
“Who said that’s the rule?” tugged the voice at my trousers again. “I don’t like the rules.”
“I did,” commanded the other voice. “I keep telling you but you don’t listen.”
“No, you don’t keep telling me!” enacted the tug irately. “Daddy … tell her it’s not fair. Tell her I’m not going to play anymore if I don’t get to hide next.”
“You don’t need to tell Daddy. I can hear what you’re saying just fine from here. Don’t be such a cry baby!”
“I’m not being a cry baby!” shouted the tug emotively, evolving its presence into a tight and needy squeeze around my leg. “I just want to hide. I never get to hide anymore.”
“Well, I don’t think you’re going to get what you want through screaming and shouting about it, are you,” I spoke calmly to the squeeze.
“Yeah Alara!” came the now rather indignant voice from behind me. “I told you that you were being a cry baby.”
“That’s not what I said, Milly. Stop teasing your sister,” I tilted my head back to see her slight, bright outline in the doorway.
“No buts! Just stop teasing her. You know it doesn’t help.”
“I know … but it’s funny!”
“Yeah, funny! Like when you and mummy tease each other. You always giggle about it.”
She was definitely a smart one, that’s for sure, picking up on and commenting on almost everything she deemed unbalanced in her environment these days, especially when it came to me. Her words of challenge never ceased to amaze me.
“That’s different and you know it,” I said in a calm, if not a slightly ineffectual manner.
“Because your mum and I both understand that it’s not really real when we tease each other. We both know exactly what we’re doing and find it funny because of that. You’re not being kind because Alara doesn’t understand what you’re doing yet.”
“But she has to understand that the best way to learn is through experience … that’s what you keep telling me anyway.”
I didn’t know what to say! She was right again; that’s exactly what I’d said to her many times over. I meant it too, indeed I endeavoured to consciously live my words as much and as often as I could, and I certainly didn’t want to be a hypocrite by telling her otherwise. It was always my intent as a parent to try to share the best aspects of my way with my daughters and in all honesty, hearing her repeat my words back to me in the way she was doing right now felt incredible. It filled me with such joy to know that I was able to help influence (and be influenced by) these little beings in such ways during their early years of life.
This being said, my dilemma still stood before me and although my desire to immediately support Milly’s remembrance was strong; I could likewise sense another deep parental instinct standing just as tall and powerful by its side. An instinct which knew that the deepening uncertainty and distress that was still clinging to my leg, needed my support equally as much. I glanced behind to greet the questioning face of my first born looking up at me from the doorway, awaiting my reassurance with the same emotional uncertainty to that which wrapped itself around me. I knew I had to make a decision quickly, however, I could likewise see that succumbing to either of these instincts would leave the other disillusioned and alone to my intent. It wasn’t my job to leave my daughters disillusioned. It was my job to love, provide for and compassionately guide them along their early paths as best I could. I took a deep breath; I knew what I had to do.
“I’ve got an idea. How about you both hide and I seek?”
“Yay!” they both cried out joyously as the squeeze let go of my leg, its uncertainty exploding out into happiness as it immediately ran off in the direction of its equally happy sister.
“Count to forty out loud Daddy … we’re allowed to hide outside as well!” said Milly bossily. She was so like her mother. At times I had to second check that her mother wasn’t actually standing behind her moving her with strings. “And close your eyes too. I know you cheat sometimes!”
“I never!” I replied in ironic defence as they scampered off.
“Do it now daddy,” called Alara, now brimming with confidence too. “I don’t want you to see which direction I go!”
I closed my eyes and began to count, chuffed how my decision had paid off so well. Dinner preparation would have to wait.
“One … Two … Three … Four …” I could hear their scampers retreating into silence as suspecting my ears eagerness to locate their whereabouts, they stealthily started looking for their hiding places. As I continued counting, I felt my mind begin wandering to the evening ahead. I couldn’t wait to see Rowen and Thea again! It was rare these days that it was ever just us “grown-ups”, so it would be fascinating to see where as a group we were at tonight.
“…Thirty nine … Forty! Coming to get you … ready or not!”
Nothing but silence echoed back to me as I immediately cast my gaze around the kitchen. In her younger days, Alara had been known to hide rather unsubtly underneath the kitchen table with a blanket over her head. The first time she did this, it had somehow worked superbly; the whole family being completely clueless to where she was and it took us ages to find her, something which she delighted in immensely. However, true to the form of wishing to replicate her success, she naively continued to hide there over and over again for several more weeks of game playing and although Levah and I sometimes pretended not to know where she was for the sake of fun, Milly was far less forgiving, exposing her sister as quickly as she could every time it was her turn to seek. After some time and disheartened tears, Alara of course learnt, and although it had been somewhat conditioned upon me to always look for her underneath the table first, she definitely wasn’t there today.
I swung my gaze left and right and then up and down. No one was in the kitchen. I had two choices to consider now: the house or the garden. I looked left again, noticing that the door outside was just as open as I’d left it twenty minutes ago, a fresh summers breeze gently swaying it back and forth in the afternoon sun. I looked right to see the empty arch leading to the hallway and the rest of the house only to discover that there were no physical clues to indicate that they’d gone either way. My inner attention suddenly switched to what Milly had said about being allowed to hide outside. Had she unconsciously divulged her plan to me? Or was it a cunning deception to throw me off her scent as she crept secretively into the house? Surely she wasn’t that cunning? She was only seven! I laughed at myself; my mind’s over analysis was highly amusing at times. Milly was smart and questioning, yes. Challenging? That also. But cunning and deceptive? No way. She’d definitely inadvertently given away a key part of her plan. She was outside.
Alara on the other hand, I had no idea. After she gave up hiding underneath the kitchen table, her next plan of action was to hide with or in close proximity to someone else, namely Levah or me and if no one else was hiding, Milly too. Oh, the fights they’d have as Milly instructed her to go away and find her own place as Alara stood innocently confused as to why she wasn’t allowed to share Milly’s hiding place. They would almost certainly give away their locations long before we got close to them because all we needed to do was follow the sounds of their escalating squabbles. On the few occasions they did manage to remain quiet in the first few minutes of hiding, we’d still always hear them quietly bickering as we approached their location, ushering whispers and nudges of “Shhhhhh!” and “Be quiet” to each other in the most unsubtle of ways as they jostled to maintain their independent secrecy.
These were all old expectations of them though and as I watched my mind start running through and assessing its options, I slowly started remembering the state of things as they were today. Alara was fast becoming a hiding force to be reckoned with, which was precisely why in recent times, Milly had begun utilising the power her ‘older sister’ card played for her by making it very difficult for her sister to hide. Alara’s size, together with her newly discovered independence and hiding tenacity had gifted her a plethora of possibilities that the bigger Milly and certainly Levah and I could no longer utilise. When she set her mind to it, she could be a real challenge to find these days, especially as our house and the surrounding garden gave so much to the intuitive imagination meaning that she could be anywhere. I realised I had to trust my instincts and track Milly first, so without another moments thought I walked through the open kitchen door and into the garden.
It was a gorgeous summer’s day, not a single shred of cloud blocking the late afternoon sun as its rich and complex beams lavished both my body and the land around me with their warm and energising light. Negating my shoes, I stepped out barefoot onto the grass of our back garden, its soft and luscious green blades giving effortlessly beneath the weight of my feet as I entered their blissful and harmonious world. Oh, how I loved the feeling of fresh grass beneath my feet! Every time its sensation would root my being back into the earth in the most awe inspiring and connective of ways, as pure remembrance vibrated itself into my consciousness. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, breathing the fresh and invigorating country air far into the reaches of my grateful lungs. Exhaling slowly, I reopened my eyes to the life of the garden around me, its green and vibrant nature shimmering in the radiance of the approaching mid-summers eve as the gentle westerly wind caressed and rustled its peripheries. It was undeniably a great day to be part of the world.
It certainly wasn’t easy to get here, that’s for sure, wherever indeed here actually is. Life didn’t just gift-wrap my reality for me in a nice neat package and deliver it straight to my door. Every day, I have to reopen and recommit myself to trusting the paradoxical journey of my evolving experience by remembering how to find honour, gratitude and compassion towards all that my life is as I, in turn, seek to find peace, connection and resonance within it. Most of all though, I’ve had to remain balanced. Balanced in a way that not only helps me hold onto and use the wisdom of my evolving truth as it comes to manifest inside of me, but also balanced in a way that helps me both be and honour that truth to its highest potential of the present moment. Through doing this, I’m learning how to discover, discern, gift-wrap and deliver the package of my life to myself, without attachment to how that self will turn out to be. More simply put perhaps, I’ve begun learning to go with the flow; to throw my oars of attachment into the river of life and start living and trusting my co-creative journey with every ounce of my being.
Without my oars of attachment, I no longer have the ability to paddle upstream any more. Instead, all I need do now is to keep my balance in the boat whilst seeking to enjoy the view of my co-creation as it passes me by. I feel pretty safe in this place, both confident and strong in my knowledge of the boat and the ways of the river. For sure, my vessel still bibs and bobs in the water, catching me unaware as the current occasionally speeds up and down and twists and turns without warning. However, regardless of the inevitable unpredictability of my journey, I feel that I’ve started to find a great sense of serenity within it because despite the surprises that continue to greet me along the way, I can’t help but have the feeling that I’ve journeyed along this river before.
Even in times of darkness, mist and fog that cloud my view of what’s around me, I’m finding that I’m remembering this feeling more and more. That even when circumstances mean I cannot fully honour the scenery of my immediate reality in its full and vibrant glory, there’s always a part of me that remembers how to come back to the bigger picture of my co-creation. As a result of this, I’m learning to lean into the times where I cannot see beyond myself and challenge them, indeed illuminate them with compassionate acceptance of what they need to represent to me in the present moment of my life. I’ve found that such acceptance always helps my blindness to gently disperse, bringing true balanced perspective back into my view in an even more potent and alive way than the view that preceded it.
In a way, being in flow feels like normality as I knew it has been completely thrown out of the window, indeed these days normality seems to be but a concept of something that used to be in my life. Every time I believe myself to know or be something, I find myself coming back the next day only to discover that which I thought I knew to have evolved itself again, opening me up to a completely new paradigm of being that I must not only learn to accept, but also creatively balance myself within once more.
For me, being in flow doesn’t mean living in eternal bliss with all the positive and desirable experiences one searches for. For me, being in flow means living with and creating bliss for everything that one is and has without exception. Flow encompasses every facet of the human experience that we’ve chosen to remember and evolve from in these lives. It is our journey to work, the cooking of our food and the cleaning of our houses. It’s what pays our bills, what hides behind our disagreements and what sits patiently waiting to be honoured throughout our uncertainties. It lives inside our disappointments of not achieving our minds lofty desires and it breathes light and compassion into the circumstances we thought would never happen to us; the illnesses we’ve had or will perhaps come to know and the loves and lives we perceive ourselves to have lost.
When things we identify as bad or frustrating happen to us, we don’t usually greet them as being part of flow and a relevant experience that needs to be welcomed and balanced inside of us as an equal part of our co-creative journey. We generally see such events as suffering, as an unjust giving from a cruel and chaotic world that needs to be avoided or resisted at all costs. But that’s just life as it’s meant to be for us now, a life that our souls have created and asked us to balance and evolve our hierarchical perspectives of. Such balance ultimately sets in motion a totally new perspective, one which encompasses and welcomes everything as part of the flow of our lives for what it is, just an appropriate and worthy part of our conscious experience.
Before I threw my oars of attachment in the water, I found that living in such a state of consistent unbalance to what I thought my life should be caused me to neglect to find joy and peace in the beauty and splendour of what my life already was. I always thought there was another level to go to enhance my achievement and ascend my happiness, another place or state that would bring me closer to the material pleasure, ultimate peace and spiritual fulfilment I craved; a place or state where I could pat myself on the back and say, “Well done Tim. This is it. I did it! I’m finally there.” But that ‘place’ and that ‘state’ are (even with the best of intentions and belief behind them) all just an egoic illusion. There is no it or there because there can only ever be now. Life has always been and will always be, only now.
At the end of the day, living with flow is a paradox that has to be chosen to be both remembered and then lived and no one else other than us ourselves can make that choice. In myself, I know that I’m not there yet and I know that in this lifetime, I probably never will be. I try and rest easy in the remembrance that there is no there though and that the flow of the river I co-create upon is (and always has and will be) never ending. This being said, I do feel that I journey far more peacefully upon it now. I know the vessel in which I stand, I know the way of the water and I can navigate and shift my balance over and around its bumps. I also wholeheartedly trust that I’ll always find a way through its mists and hazes when they come my way. It’s a river that I know in my heart I’ll always remember and will never have to journey again, at least not in the same way I do now. I try to celebrate this knowing and also celebrate every moment like this where I possibly dare to remember it and it’s this opportunity, this remembrance, which I’ll remain forever grateful for. I suppose that’s what ‘going with the flow’ comes down to really, just being grateful. Having the bravery to say, “This is my life as I’ve known it … thank you! This is my life as I know it … thank you! And this is my life as I am yet to know it to be … thank you!” Everything comes after gratitude.
Thus, it is with gratitude in mind that I’d like to take a moment to thank you for returning to my tale and to likewise welcome you also if it’s the first one we’ve shared. I’m truly privileged that you’d give a part of your journey to be here with me and share my reflection of a time where I first discovered balance in my being, a balance which when projected out with the pure intent of my humanness, held the potential to become so much more profound than I could ever have envisioned it to be.
Right! Where are those girls?
Coming back to myself I found my eyes looking around the garden as they carefully assessed their options. My first instinct was to look down at the grass and see if there were any give away signs that may signal where my targets had gone. I gently scanned over it for movement, seeking the slow disappearance of footprints that my daughters may have inadvertently left behind them in their scampering wake. My search remained inconclusive. If there were any footprints, they were either long gone or completely elusive to my eyes. Instead, the grass just glistened lovingly back at me with an almost swaggering air of “too late fella! If you’d been here ten seconds ago we’d have been able to help you, but now, well, now we’ve returned back to balance and you’re on your own.”
All of a sudden, a short sharp creak came hurtling into my awareness as my eyes darted instinctively towards the shed in the far left corner of the garden. My adrenalin fuelled vision focussed in on the dark, moss laden wooden structure. Everything was still, almost as if it had been hushed into a deep and cautious silence by the creak that had just preceded it. I was convinced the sound had come from that direction, however, I likewise remembered that the shed was old and this wasn’t the first time I’d heard its creaks and groans as the wind whirled in and around its wobbly frame. Perhaps this was the case again? Finding the girls was never usually so straight forward, even back in the days when Alara intentionally hid with Milly.
In conflict over my next move, I looked back up to the trees, noticing that the breeze I’d observed moments ago had nearly stopped, only a few stray leaves fluttering high above me in the canopy almost beyond my view. I didn’t understand; surely this wind wasn’t strong enough to create creaking in the shed today! There must be something going on in there! I had to investigate further and as I decided to do so, I realised that my feet had already begun creeping themselves forward, the grass once again giving beautifully and silently beneath them as I edged ever closer to the awaiting wooden door.
It was unmistakable this time; someone or something was definitely inside. I froze again, expectancy deep within me as I waited for another sound that I could run towards and ruthlessly expose as I revelled in my victory. I’d long gone beyond being soft to the girls when it came to game playing these days and besides, the competitive nature in me wanted to win too. They never did me any favours when it was my turn to hide, over and over again locating and exposing my large, clumsy frame in the quickest possible time as it tried to cram itself rather unsubtly into the small and unsuitable spaces I tried to hide in. That’s exactly why I’d-.
“Shush!” came an abrupt, shrill whisper from the shed.
This was it! How easy had this search been! They must be both hiding in the shed. Clearly, Alara was back to her old tricks hiding with Milly, or perhaps it was even the other way round this time. The details mattered not, I had them now and never had I located them quicker. Filled with self-imposed praise and glory, I sprang towards the shed’s closed door, ripping it open with all the guile and excitement I could muster.
“Got ya!!!” I exclaimed in a loud and stealthy croak as I thrust my head inside the sheds musty shadows, forcing it to rapidly fill with daylight.
Nothing moved. Despite its illumination, the room’s inner vicinity remained dormant, lifeless in a way that suggested it had been asleep for an age and that I’d be stupid to believe or question otherwise. I couldn’t work out what was going on, surely there had to be someone in there! I was sure I wasn’t going crazy because I was one hundred percent certain I’d heard the noises I did. I looked around the narrow wooden walls and dusty shelves searching for evidence that I was still right: a handprint, a broken spider’s web or even a shuddering rag. There was still nothing, not a shred of detectable evidence available and after a handful of hopeful once overs, the realisation began dawning on me that there was nowhere to hide inside the shed other than simply being inside the shed itself. It was way too small for anything else.
I felt my semi-victorious excitement rapidly dissolving into frustration at my totally misguided pursuit. It must have been the wind that had created the creaking and shushing noises all along. Clever, sneaky wind and silly foolish me! Perhaps it had conspired with the grass to deceive me? Assuming nothing of my conclusion other than defeat in my shed theory, I turned around to leave, taking a large pace back into the afternoon sun.
“Shouldn’t you be cooking!” came a sudden jolt of sound from my left.
“Jesus H Christ!” I yelped out loud as waves of shock and fear shuddered into every cell of my body, blurring everything around me beyond view. In complete disarray as to what was happening and with my heart thumping, I staggered dizzily out of the shed and back onto the grass.
Then the laughing came. Hearty, delight filled laughing pressing itself undiscernably into my startled and disorientated awareness. My panic immediately softened; I knew that laugh! It, along with the calls of my children, was one of the sweetest and most welcoming sounds I’d ever heard. I knew the laughs deception too, how its clever trick had achieved its devious goal. But it wasn’t over yet.
“Rahhhhhhhhhhh!” whirled squeaky animalistic noises from either side of me as what seemed like a million hands grabbed my anxious legs and began wrestling them to the ground. Weakened by my confusion I feebly succumbed, falling earthwards as the hands, followed closely by their wriggling bodies, began climbing on top of me in twitters of laughter. As I hit the ground, I suddenly felt my animal instincts kicking in, compelling me to instantly throw my assailants away from me and reclaim my freedom. Fortunately, my parental instincts knew better and didn’t listen. They always seemed to know better these days.
I could feel the two small bodies crawling up my chest as their excitement in their victory escalated, their laughter became so infectious that without thought or question, I found the corners of my mouth beginning to rise up irrepressibly to meet them in their elation. It was the only thing I could do and as I felt their hair start brushing the side of my head as their wild and smiley faces moved parallel to my own, my smile began to open wide as deep resonant laughter exploded out from within. The blue sky above me whirled around in a million tiny vibrations, the tops of the trees indistinguishable as the all the colours of the day dissolved into one.
Then came the eyes. The eyes that always melted through me, dissolving everything I thought I knew into love. I couldn’t ask for anything more than this in my life. Seeing the two beings that I’d been entrusted to take care of so encapsulated with joy and emanating their radiance inside the present moment with me made my heart beat forever stronger. What shone through them transcended anything I could ever bring to thought or word, something that surprisingly for me, I’ve never really wished to either. Melding with the bliss of the moment I succumbed, my body dissolving into my children’s rapture as it collapsed benevolently against the earth beneath it.
I could feel them relaxing too, their twittering receding as their bodies flopped lovingly against mine. I rolled my head to the left. She was still there of course, standing patiently, the deep shadow of her body hazy and distorted in the surrounding sunlight that emanated so brightly around her. I looked deeper as the light began to fade, feeling my humanness returning as the features of the world began settling back into definable order. Her face began softening into view, the tones of her perfection revealing themselves one by one like stars on a clear and moonless night. She was smiling too. Apparently her deception had been totally worthwhile.
“I don’t know,” spoke the smile ironically. “I leave you alone for one hour and I come back to find you shirking your duties and pratting around on the grass!”
“We so got you daddy!” said Alara, rolling of me with a highly animated and smug demeanour.
“Yeah daddy!” squealed an equally proud Milly, rolling off the other side. “You were really scared of us … you should’ve seen your face!”
They both continued giggling as they rose to their feet and started skipping around me like a pair of naughty little pixies. I said nothing as I pulled my elbows underneath me and raised my head, blinking heavily as I reoriented to my surroundings. My vision honed in upon the little giggling pixies in front of me.
“You’d no idea, did you daddy!” continued Milly, catching my eye. “We were hiding behind the shed to trick you. It was Mummy’s idea!”
“I bet it was,” I muttered softly, turning again to the now beaming woman beside me and giving her a vengeful look.
“I’ve no idea what they’re talking about. I just got home and thought I’d check out why the shed door was open. Then-”
“Course you were my darling!” I smiled sarcastically at her. We both knew that I knew the truth of it; I’d be sure to deal with her evil ways later. “Do you know what though?” I continued, looking back to face the pixies and glaring them intensely in the eyes. “Do you know what you’ve accidentally done? What Mummy didn’t warn you about when she got you involved in her clever plan?”
“No … what?” they replied in chorus, instantly replacing their jubilation with a hesitant intrigue of my oncoming words.
“I can’t believe she didn’t tell you!” I spoke in an exceedingly well-acted disbelief. “Are you sure she told you nothing of what happens to Daddy when he goes in and out the shed so quickly?”
“No,” replied Milly with curious concern, completely absorbed by what I was saying. “What happens?”
I watched as I began rising to my feet. Ascending high above the curious pixie faces before me, speaking and escalating my voice as I went. “Heee tuuuurns intooooo the Garraaaabooooooooo!”
I raised my hands overwhelmingly above my head as my pretence became me.
“Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!” I roared as the pixies started screaming and running towards the house. My arms still in the air, I turned to chase them, however they were too fast, dashing inside the open kitchen door, safe in their already predetermined knowledge that the Garaboo couldn’t follow them inside the house without permission for the risk of being stonified. Slowing my stride, I heard their screaming giggles descend into security as along with the sound of screeching chairs they hid underneath the extra protective Garaboo force field of the kitchen table. A hushed silence fell upon us all and I could still do nothing but smile. Oh, to be a child again, if only for a few moments.
Having kids was certainly one of the crazier and more unpredictable journeys of our life. When we first got together, Levah and I were so adamant that we didn’t want to have children, however, as the years passed by, we stood in observance as our adamance gently started to fade, allowing more detailed flashes of our collective potential to slowly make themselves known in the forefront of our awareness. As was such, we began to understand that the reason we’d been brought together in this life wasn’t just to help remind and guide each other towards remembering, creating and living balance inside of ourselves, but also to act as shepherds for the newer expressions of consciousness that were coming into being. It was shortly after this realisation then that Milly (followed closely by Alara) decided to arrive in our lives.
Being a parent is an emotional business, especially perhaps when one is already a rather sensitive being like me. I can safely say that in the past seven years, I’ve experienced and re-experienced every possible emotion under the sun and discovered many more I didn’t even know existed. From the divinest dimensions of the deepest, purest spiritual fulfilment, joy and presence to the deepest darkest pits of anguish, worry, anger, fear, frustration and extreme sleep deprivation. Above of all these emotions though, the most dominant and ever present of them all has been, and always will be, love. Unconditional, unfathomable and unexplainable love that I cannot compare to any other feeling or sensation of love I’ve ever been blessed to know.
The love that I hold for my daughters feels so incredibly primal and unique and if truth be told, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. Indeed, this primal love almost overwhelmed all of my other senses in the first few years of fatherhood and there were times when all I wanted to do was keep my girls hidden and protected in Levah and mine’s little bubble of light forever. I desperately didn’t want to expose them to the darkness of reality, a darkness that I knew would one day try and steal their innocence and wonder away from them and replace it with fear of the unknown. I didn’t want them to see or feel all the suffering and egoic delusions of humanity and I couldn’t bear the idea of them knowing that we still fought and needlessly hurt and killed each other in the name of, well, nothing. I likewise didn’t want them to be exposed to the pain and sadness of death and dis-ease, to the sting of hate and resentment, or to the unrequited curse of the still present, but slowly fading materialistic happiness chase. Although deep down, I knew that the world was slowly shifting towards balance and peace and really trusted this potential so, the parental instincts inside of me craved so much to contradict my trust and keep my daughters for myself, raising them in a way I believed would keep them safe and living in the light forever.
As strong as this desire was though, my heart knew that such longing wasn’t the right way of it. That my true role as their guardian wasn’t to coddle and shelter their innocence from the world but to benevolently support, steer and create the freedom they needed to be able to choose their own unique journeys of life experience, co-creative perception and balanced remembrance for themselves. In time, I finally saw that embracing this role as openly as I could, as early as possible in their lives, was the best way for me to ensure that when they grew older and moved away from me, they’d be as prepared as possible to independently greet and create with whatever experiences and challenges needed to come their journeys way. For as much as I still resist admitting it, they, just like me, have to be an experiential witness to everything that reality is (including the remaining unbalanced darkness of the present world) in order to be given the complete unbiased free choice of how they go about balancing their perceptual experience of it. This is ultimately why they’re here. They have to be the ones to both find and remember how to balance themselves inside the co-creative picture of their own unique boats because at the end of the day, it’s no one else’s choice other than theirs. My role is just to love and support them unconditionally along the way, being there for them whenever they need me to be as I in turn, continue to balance and be with myself.
It’s certainly not easy being this guide, teacher, parent character, especially as I continuously have to be this role for myself as well. Both Levah and I constantly find ourselves having to challenge our perceptions (both individually and together) of almost everything we do. Although I wasn’t aware of it to begin with, in a way I could say that raising children has also given me a greater insight into raising myself, because being entrusted with them has helped me continue disassociating from my ego in so many new ways, especially in their really young years when almost everything they did depended on Levah and I being there with them in undistracted totality. Ego of course regularly has sought (and still regularly seeks) to find new ways of latching onto me and challenging my awareness, and as the girls continue to grow into the fully lucid and independent beings they’re becoming, I’ve watched as my ego has begun trying to tempt me back in with new techniques of boosting myself, offering me the choice to start ‘showing off’ and compete my children’s abilities beyond the realms of heart felt praise and loving admiration. Don’t get me wrong, I think that pride in one’s child is a beautifully natural phenomenon, however for me, allowing ego to act out its will by boasting about how brilliant our creations are, is a real turn-off.
My memory drifts back to Milly’s first sack race (a friendly, gentle summer exercise in nursery school bonding) a few years before now, where I found myself cheering for her to hop faster and beat the somewhat bossy girl pounding alongside her on the turf with her competitive and raucous mum bellowing her on from the sidelines. When Milly indeed crossed the line a second or so before her, I had to really fight down the urge to throw my firsts in the air and shout “COME ON … YEEESSSS!” in the manner of a North London football derby goal celebration. I have to admit that on other occasions, I haven’t quite managed to be so restrained, however, I know that I’m still learning and in all honesty, I’m just grateful to be aware of my choice.
I have to add here too (as I return my gaze back into those beautiful brown eyes looking at me bemusedly from across the garden) that not only is Levah still the most wonderful of partners, buts she’s also the most amazing of mothers too. Whenever I see her with the girls and how patient and loving she is towards them no matter what’s going on in theirs, hers or even my life, I always find myself falling in love with her and everything we share all over again. Seeing those who one loves and cherishes most in the world (in whichever way they manifest in one’s life) give love and cherishment to others whom one loves and cherishes, really is one of the most phenomenal experiences I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing.
There are still moments when I feel like I just want a day away from it all. A day for me and me alone where I can fold everything I am up neatly inside a little box and place it safely on a shelf as I return to the self-indulgent independence I used to have when it was just Levah and me. It’s funny really that I still lust after these experiences past because it was ironically when I lived in such experiences that I intended into motion, created and towards the end, somewhat lusted after the experience I live in now. I guess it’s natural for many parents to occasionally glance at perceived childless individuals around them (those living and floating about in their own ‘free will’, being spontaneous and beholden to none other than themselves and their like-minded peers) and allow traces of envy to creep in. I have to chuckle at myself whenever I find myself forgetting the beauty of what I have, and entering my egos deluded and superficial state of dissatisfaction and longing for something else. It still remains such a challenge to be human, although I do rest assured that it does get easier by the day.
What brings me truly back to the reality and beauty of my life though is moments like this one, moments where I see my happy, innocent and loving children looking up at me with such divinity from the earth below. Every time this happens, I feel my selfishness melt away and I remember that I’ll never have a day off while they’re living here with me, nor do I really want one. I’m reminded that being entrusted to chaperone them in this life with full awareness of both who and what they are will always be the most rewarding, satisfying and selfless journey my soul could ever have been challenged to be in this lifetime.
It has to be noted that I believe that having children isn’t the way for everyone and this needs be received and remembered as its intended. We all have our own paths to creating balance and for some, children don’t form part of what they innately choose to experience in this life, be their choice conscious or unconscious. I believe that we all experience what we’re meant to experience and although our lives physical manifestations may be worlds apart, the energetic evolution and fulfilment we receive from them can often be the same. For me though, having children and helping them grow from the helpless little bundles they were into the walking, talking, laughing, thinking beings hiding underneath the table before me, has and probably always will be the most overwhelming and heartening spiritual experience I’ve ever known. Gratefully, that’s one of the few things I know I’ll always know for certain.
“You never cease to surprise me Mr Hurtletuta,” spoke the eyes, bringing me back to reality once more.
“Well Ms Dotling … you should know by now that I´m the biggest kid in this family.”
She chuckled. “The girls got you good there, didn’t they? I wish you’d seen your face when they wrestled you … it was priceless! Although I think perhaps I scared you a bit more when you came out the shed. Sorry about that by the way, as I said I just got back and was wondering why the shed door was-“
“I don’t believe a single word your saying,” I interrupted bluntly, knowing full well she was lying through her teeth. It was her big, deliberate smirk that gave her away. The knowing, playful smirk which was always indicative that she knew that I knew she was trying to wind me up.
“You can believe what you like. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t go believing everything that Milly says, she’s got a vivid imagination.”
“Yeah right! When are you ever in the wrong place at the wrong time these days? You’re the most synchronous person I know.”
“Even the best of us make misjudgements,” she grinned, walking over to my side, her eyes sparkling in reflected sunlight as she placed her arm gently around my waist and turned my body to face the open kitchen door. “Come on … let’s go in Mr Garaboo. Your playing has put us even further behind.”
Unfortunately for my desire to continue messing, she was right. My on hold dinner preparation had delayed an already behind schedule. I nodded surreptitiously in agreement with her as I simultaneously leant into kiss her supportively on the cheek. My plans to vengefully expose her deception would have to wait until later. She knew that they would too, in fact I could tell that she was also a little disappointed that we didn’t have the time to fully embrace the good humoured banter that was becoming, indeed I think she longed for and loved it as much as I did. But life as we knew it wasn’t just about the two of us anymore. There were other smaller and let’s face it, much cuter forces in our lives now that required our immediate attention.
“Don’t come in here or you’ll turn to stone … I’m warning you! I’ve got my finger on the stonify button right now!” came a cry from underneath the kitchen table as we neared the doorway.
“It’s okay sweetheart,” I said seriously, fighting the urge inside to speak like the Garaboo and carry on playing. “We chased the Garaboo into the forest. He won’t be back today. It’s just us.”
“Wait a minute! How do I know that you’re telling the truth and you haven’t eaten Mummy and Daddy and taken their identity?” retorted the surprisingly stern voice from inside.
Although Levah had used the information for her cover, she was certainly right in her statement that Milly had a vivid imagination. Even I was unaware that the Garaboo had such terrifying predatory and transformational abilities and the Garraboo was, in essence, my creation. I looked to Levah, knowing that we could and perhaps should just ignore them and walk inside anyway, denying the Garaboo’s new evolutionary shifts and crack straight on with the things we actually had to do in order to keep the rest of our day in motion. Life however (as it so often did these days), had other ideas and without a word being spoken, the glint in Levah’s eyes started reflecting my own. We weren’t here to mindlessly play with and manipulate our children’s young imaginations when it suited us. There was always time to entertain their senses and keep their playfulness alive and present inside our lives.
Having Milly and Alara come to us had reawakened a childlike innocence (or “inner sense” as Levah liked to call it) in our states of being, something which we were so grateful having rediscovered. We knew we couldn’t behave like it all the time, however we’d come to the conclusion that learning to lean into such states of playfulness were essential not only for our relationship with the girls, but for our own personal evolution as well. For us, this ultimately meant adjusting the dynamics of how we balanced (or didn’t balance) our minds’ need for structure and doing, with our hearts’ innate drive to be in the present moment.
This shift was tricky, because first and foremost, we observed how uncomfortable our minds were in purely being, especially after our egos had been allowed to steer them for so long. Although I see that the logical, un-egoically tampered mind’s intellectual, analytical and rational abilities serve humanity incredibly well in our physical lives when applied with sense and purpose, when we remain unaware to how ego has manipulated the logical minds free choice to be still, we restrict and separate our lived perceptions of the world and our ability to connect with the magical simplicity of the present moment. Our egos have no concept of being you see. They want our minds only to ‘do’, to think, to be lost to emotional action and to be constantly fed with knowledge, reassurance and validation that’ll never quite satisfy us.
Perceiving through the heart works differently. Unlike the egoically distracted mind, the heart knows that the practical now of present human consciousness, exists harmoniously halfway somewhere between being and doing and is always accepting to the notion that it cannot always be the one in charge. The heart knows the bigger picture and as a testament to this, it has no problem letting us go over to the heady doing nature of our minds logical approach when it’s appropriate, for it trusts that what needs to be done is just all part of what needs to be done.
What the heart asks for in return is that we stay mindful within our doings, mindful in a way that keeps us in the best possible position to let go of everything when we need to and return ourselves back to the gratitude and love of simply being. Unfortunately for the heart though, when ego is present, our logical mind becomes incredibly selfish, never wishing to repay the favour of balance when it becomes its turn to be still. What I feel is important to remember here, is that it’s not innately the logical minds fault that this is so and we must never persecute it for it. The logical mind has been cleverly seduced by ego and so it easily forgets the bigger picture of balance, unlike the heart which never forgets. Fortuitously, I wholeheartedly believe that the way of this is changing because we’re all slowly becoming wiser to our egoic ways and honing new methods and abilities to help quieten it down, thus presenting the logical mind with the unobscured choice it deserves to be still or not. Practices such as meditation are prime examples that spring to mind here, although they only form part of a much bigger picture of methods that are available to our unique beings.
Although Levah and I both have our own different independent approaches in regards to this, our shift towards mindfully creating space to balance our being and our doing was undoubtedly gifted to us by our daughters’ arrival and continued presence, especially in relation to how we created space to drop everything and play with them with our undivided attention and presence. I’m sure such personal shifts in perspective could have come to us in other experiential forms without the girls (indeed they do), however, for us, Milly and Alara were certainly the catalyst that kick-started our evolution in this part of our life and for that gift I remain eternally grateful to them. Indeed, that’s why I’m choosing to continue playing with them right now.
“You’ll just have to trust us,” I said calmly, deciding that we hadn’t been eaten and re-manifested by the Garaboo.
“I can’t do that!” came Millys voice from underneath the table “You’ll have to answer three questions that the Garaboo shouldn’t know first. That way we’ll know that you are who you say you are.”
“Can’t we just come in?” asked Levah. “If we are the Garaboo you can push the stonify button and we’ll turn to stone, won’t we?”
“Yeah … that’s true,” squeaked a rather cautious Alara to her sister. “If they are the Garaboo, they’ll turn to stone if they come in. I think it’s okay Milly.”
There was a small silence as Milly, the apparent self-proclaimed leader of the under-the-table tribe carefully took hold of all the information she’d received and meticulously assessed her options. Levah and I looked at each other bemusedly; it was rather exciting to see what her young mind would conceive.
“I’m not sure if I think that’s true,” she breathed out rather pensively in Alaras direction. “I’ve never actually pressed this button and seen a Garaboo turn into stone before, so how do I know if it’ll work? I only have Daddy’s word that it’ll work and I don’t think he’s ever seen a Garaboo turn to stone either.”
“Hmmmm,” agreed Alara sternly, changing her mind instantly. “I think you’re right actually … I hadn’t thought of that. We can’t risk it, can we?”
“No,” replied Milly extremely sincerely, drifting into another deep and reflective pause.
I was so impressed by my daughter’s critical thinking skills. Although right now, they were based in complete and utter nonsense, their well thought through and considered decision-making and creativity did nothing but fill me with pride that they already sought to address life in such imaginative and challenging ways. All I hoped now was that I’d be able to repay the imaginative favour and be able to answer the questions they’d ask.
Their pause had been accompanied by a scuffled creaking noise as I noticed a small head of hair start moving vertically across and out from underneath the table before me, followed closely by a smaller looking head of hair below it. As they both crept forward, I watched in full sunlit view as two pairs of eyes emerged from the heads and began focussing themselves in upon the shadow of the potentially deceptive, parent eating monster in front of them as it faded into the light of the doorway. They both scrunched their questioning eyes to gain a clearer sight. God, they were so adorable.
“It definitely looks like Mummy and Daddy,” piped the lower head as its sight focussed into clarity, its eyes shifting into a gorgeously loving and cheeky familiarity.
“Don’t let them fool you,” warned the top head gravely, still fully engulfed by the mystery in front of it. “We need proof.”
“Okay,” agreed the lower head straight away, its eyes returning to scrutiny at the request of its leader.
“When’s my birthday?” asked the upper head abruptly and without warning.
“That’s easy,” said Levah immediately, as the answer rushed into my mind also. “That was one of the greatest days of my life. The 26th of October.”
“That’s definitely Mummy!” shrieked the lower head, its body quavering in anticipation as it sought to run out and greet us in anti Garaboo ecstasy.
“Wait!” exclaimed the top head, placing an arm over the excited lower head’s body, stopping its potential motion dead in its tracks. “They’ve got two more questions. Remember how clever the Garaboo is … it always gets two questions right, no matter what it’s asked!”
I had no idea where she was getting all this material from. I half imagined she had an ear piece with a creative director feeding her every line she spoke. I certainly couldn’t have imagined it better myself.
“Okay,” continued Milly. “Next question … What’s the name of the husband squirrel that lives in the oak tree?”
I looked at Levah. Fortuitously, I knew the answer instantly again, for I was luckily present when it was conceived. Levah knew too. To be truthful, we’d probably helped create and knew far too much about the fantasy worlds of our children than we cared to openly admit. She nodded at me; the question was mine to answer.
“Mr Fuzzybrushtail,” I answered proudly as a fantasy filled image of a smiley Mr Fuzzybrushtail bounding merrily amongst the tree tops flashed before my eyes.
“Correct,” said Milly, still completely unemotional in the proceedings. “Final question now.”
I could feel Levah’s hand clasp mine as we awaited the unknown finale.
“What’s Mummy and Daddy’s favourite thing that they say to each other when the other isn’t happy?”
The question shocked me a bit. I wasn’t aware that we had a favourite saying, let alone one that the girls knew. Milly must have overheard us using one of our ‘Tim and Levah’ isms recently and had it imprinted upon her. I couldn’t help but hope it had been a good impression. I could sense that Levah didn’t know the answer either, her grip on my hand having eased as her attention turned itself towards searching for the answer. We looked at each other synchronistically for reassurance, both secretly hoping that our instincts were wrong and that the other had the correct answer that would avoid the possibility of our daughters not believing that we’d chased the Garaboo away. It would be a long road from here trying to convince them otherwise in this game if we could not.
“The clocks ticking!” said Milly astutely. “You’ve got thirty seconds and one guess.”
“Do you know this?” I whispered hopefully to Levah.
“I’m not sure,” she whispered back, beyond the reach of the girls eavesdropping ears. “You?”
“I don’t. We say so many things to each other … I’ve no idea which one she’s talking about.
“Twenty seconds!” said Milly eagerly as she and Alara stared beadily at our newly produced doorway conference.
I could feel adrenalin begin creeping itself back into my bones as the prospect of failing drew closer. My jaw tightened, my whole posture becoming suspended in the suspense and trepidation of the moment.
The adrenaline started pumping the suspense towards breaking point as my mind began to cloud over with its impending disappointment. The answer had to be somewhere! I looked outside at the sun soaked garden from where I’d just come; there were no answers there. I looked back to the vertical heads of my children staring up at me in breathless anticipation; there were no answers there either. With what I needed seemingly nowhere to be found on the outside, I did the only thing I had left, deciding to close my eyes and breathe deeply as I turned my attention towards the darkness of my inner world. Then it hit me! The answer I sought really didn’t matter in the bigger picture of reality because everything was as it should be and couldn’t be any other way. What on earth was I so stressed about? Why couldn’t I just be in the uncertainty for a while? I smiled heartily inside, as my remembrance caused me to begin chuckling richly on the out. I felt Levah doing the same, her hand having retightened on mine with her own knowledgeable excitement. We’d remembered the answer! It was ironically the statement that we forgot most often in our lives and always sought to remind each other of as often as we could. My eyes opened as my gaze shifted to my partner’s eyes again, they were bright with clarity.
“Remember to remember!” we yelled out together with the highest satisfaction.
Forty five minutes had passed and despite some initial resistance from the girls to do what we needed them to do, the structure of our day had more or less got itself back on track. After our third and final question had been successfully answered, Alara ran out to join our celebration the moment she could. Milly on the other hand stayed remarkably cool and aloof about the whole situation, remaining crouched underneath the table, her face scrunched in analysis as she continued to hold strongly onto her game. Once our celebrations had subsided, she came crawling out, standing and stating rather sternly that although we’d successfully passed her test and would hence be invited back into the house without the threat of being stonified, she still remained unconvinced and would be keeping a close eye on all of us for the foreseeable future, including now her rather confused looking betrayal of a sister. Her manner amused me so. I couldn’t quite tell how much of it she really meant and how much was just her being so incredibly absorbed in her play. It didn’t matter really, in my eyes she was just a wonderful little human, 99.9% of the time anyway! I knew that as she grew older, her playful imagination may drift as she was challenged by life, so right now I just did my best just to stand in loving support of everything she did, encouraging her to hold onto her imagination as much and as often as I could.
With our collective imaginations now served though and the clock ticking ever on, it was time for Levah and I to assume our parental roles and move on with the doing nature of our day. Thus, we accepted Milly’s warning and with a semi-telepathic link of understanding between us, Levah moved swiftly to shepherd the girls upstairs to get washed, changed and ready for their night away, while I immediately cracked on with my abandoned kitchen duties.
The girls were staying with our neighbour for the first time tonight, a warm and friendly little old lady who we all affectionately called Auntie Withiga. We’d decided a few weeks back that it would be a good idea for them to stay with someone outside of the family dynamic and Auntie Withiga (an individual whom we’d all grown very close to and fond of over the past few years) had welcomed our idea with open arms. She loved the girls deeply and with our blood family so far away and Auntie Withiga widowed and living on her own, she’d assumed a sort of surrogate grandmother role for them, often spoiling them rotten with her kind-hearted manner and stunning array of baking and knitting skills. This evening, she’d promised them that she’d teach them how to make dark chocolate brownies, a prospect that I personally couldn’t wait to taste the result of the following day.
A short time later, I found myself standing alone in the kitchen, my food prep as complete as it could be. The fresh garden potatoes had been peeled, part boiled, fluffed and lightly seasoned with herbs and oil. The chicken was marinating, the leek, garlic and chilli chopped and the veg washed, sliced and waiting patiently in a pot on the oven top to be steamed. The frying pan stood to attention next to it and all the tools, seasonings and oils were out on the side, along with my mental note that the milk was chilling in the fridge. Job done. I’d cook it all up after Rowen and Thea arrived.
“Daddy,” came a patter of feet from behind me as they reached to pull needily on my trousers for the second time in as many hours. “I don’t want to sleep at Auntie Withiga’s house tonight. Mummy and Milly keep saying that I have to, but I don’t want to.”
“Why not?” I asked softly, crouching down to meet Alaras big worried eyes near the floor.
“Because I want to stay here and play with you!”
“But we’ve got Rowen and Thea coming tonight darling. I don’t think I’ll have time to play with you,” I placed my hand reassuringly on her tiny shoulder.
“They can play with us too,” she coaxed, her voice full of self-given hopefulness. “I’m sure I can think of a game for us all to play.”
“No sweetie,” I said firmly, resisting the overwhelming urge to crumble to her hope and let her stay. “Auntie Withiga’s expecting you and besides, you usually have a great time when you see her. It’ll be really fun, I promise. Remember you said you were going to make me a million brownies?”
“Yeah I suppose,” she nodded reluctantly. “She’s nice and always gives me yummy food too.”
“You couldn’t ask for more in a person could you then?” I agreed.
“No … but I’ve never slept in her house before. I’m scared that she has monsters like the Garaboo living around there.”
“But honey, don’t you remember that the Garaboo is the only monster that lives around here.”
“Yes I know Daddy. I just get worried that there are other monsters that we don’t know about.”
“I can understand that … we can never be totally sure about these things I suppose. You’ve got your stonify button on you though, yes?”
“Of course, I always have it around my neck,” she motioned to show me the imaginary button hanging in front of her. “But what if it doesn’t work in Auntie Withiga’s house? You said it only works in our house.”
“That doesn’t matter because things are different at Auntie Withigas,” I replied in a mysterious whisper, somewhat delighting in my present opportunity to exert my childish creativity again.
I pretend paused in consideration as my imagination became me. “I think you’re ready to know your secret mission,” I released sincerely. “The reason why you have to stay with Auntie Withiga tonight. I wasn’t planning on telling you, but I think you’re strong and brave enough to know now.”
“Know what?” she asked curiously.
I looked around in fake suspicion to check we were still alone in our surroundings. We were. “Okay all’s safe,” I whispered. “Now, I can only tell you this once, so listen carefully. You also have to promise me that you won’t tell your mother or your sister and definitely not Auntie Withiga! This secret can only be between you and me, okay?”
“Okay,” she nodded, as captivated mirrors of her mother’s eyes beamed through me, now utterly engrossed by my newly ignited game.
“Right … I trust you.”
“You can Daddy. I won’t say anything to anyone ever, I promise.”
“Good girl,” I took a deep breath as I placed my hand on her shoulder and waited for the words to come. I felt almost as engrossed as she did. “I’m going to tell you something about Auntie Withiga that very few people know. She’s extremely special you see. You’re very lucky to be invited into her home for the night.”
“Really? Why? I thought she was just the old lady who lives next door.”
“Oh no my darling, she’s so much more than that. She’s the gatekeeper.”
“What’s a gatekeeper?”
“A gatekeeper can be many things … however, Auntie Withiga is one of the most important gatekeepers to the other side of the veil, the land that the Garaboo wants us so desperately to forget. You see, as you already know the Garaboo thinks that there’s a portal to the other side in our house and he desperately wants to destroy it! But, that’s actually only a belief I’ve tricked him into believing to keep him away from the truth about the real portal in Auntie Withiga’s house.”
“Reeeeallly?” she exhaled innocently, knowing completely the land of which I spoke. “I didn’t know that! Wow … she’s really important isn’t she?”
“She is. That’s why you shouldn’t breathe a word of it, not even to your sister. If the Garaboo finds out about Auntie Withiga, then it could be really dangerous for her. I could feel today that he’s becoming suspicious because when he came into the garden earlier, I noticed his behaviour was different. I think he’s beginning to realise that the portal isn’t here. You need to be with Auntie Withiga tonight to keep her safe while I meet with the veil’s human-channels to plan our next move.”
“You mean Rowen and Thea?” she said, her mouth open wide. “Are they from the other side of the veil?”
“Yes they are. Well half and half, they live in both worlds. It’s hard to explain now, but they’ll be able to advise me how to lead the Garaboo away from Auntie Withiga’s house. It’s thus so important that Mummy and I meet them alone tonight, they’ll not give us the intuitive information if they think anyone else is with us.”
“Right,” mused Alara seriously. “But how can I protect Auntie Withiga? I’m not strong enough to fight the Garaboo by myself!” she opened her arms out beside her to show and emphasise her small body.
“It doesn’t matter about how strong you are. You’ve always got the stonify button to use if the Garaboo comes too close to you and you must believe that it works. Your sister was right earlier when she said that I hadn’t used it before, but it was given to me by Rowen and Thea and I trust them deeply. It will turn the Garaboo to stone for one hour and teleport him back to his stinky layer. As long as you have it on you, he can never come close to making you or anyone else around you forget.”
“Okay … I understand,” she confirmed, her wide innocent eyes conveying her certainty.
“Alara! You’ve got to come with me to Auntie Withigas!” echoed in Millys bossy voice from the hallway.
“I’ve said too much already, do you accept your mission?” I whispered hastily to standing as Alara nodded in compliance, letting go all pretence of the conversation as Milly came trotting into the room.
I couldn’t believe the wonderful nonsense that was transpiring. I loved how my daughters brought out and accepted my inner child as much as I did theirs. As an added bonus, my storytelling appeared to have worked and I now had two willing and almost good to go daughters.
“It’s okay … I want to go now,” said Alara confidently to her sister.
Milly scowled as she glared rather suspiciously at her sister’s sudden change of heart. I could sense that this probably wasn’t the end of it. She knew something was amiss in the room and only time would tell if Alara had the strength and confidence in herself to stand strong to her sister and keep the secret. Not that it subsequently mattered really because Auntie Withiga wasn’t really in any real danger. Unless-.
“Right girls, come on, shoes on!” commanded Levah as she strolled in to the kitchen to join us. “We said to Auntie Withiga we’d be there at four thirty. It’s four thirty now.”
“I can go if you like, give you a chance to catch your breath.”
“Have you finished the dinner prep?”
“Of course … it’s all good to go.”
“Great, yes take them,” she leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek before turning to the girls. “See you tomorrow my angels, I’ll call you before bed to check that you’re alright. Have fun with Auntie Withiga!” She bent down to give them a hug with each arm before standing and walking back into the hallway.
“Okay … see you in a bit. I won’t be long,” I called after her.
“You’d better not be. I’ve got a surprise for you.”
“What’s that then?”
“You’ll have to hurry back and find out won’t you,” she said mystically, her voice reflecting away from me off the hallway walls.
“Daddy, can you tie my laces for me?” asked Alara before I had a chance to explore Levah’s words further. I looked down to see her standing looking doe eyed up at me, her laces flapping over the edges of her shoes.
“Have you tried to tie them yourself?”
“No you haven’t!” Milly butted in accusingly, at the same time successfully finishing tying her own laces.
“Milly, you’ve got to stop telling tales on your sister.”
“But I’m only telling the truth,” she sulked.
“Perhaps so, but sometimes we need to be careful with the truth. If we use it too carelessly, we can hurt people and ourselves.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m sure you will one day,” I smiled comfortingly at her before returning my focus to Alara. “Are you sure you’ve tried?”
There was a slight pause as Alara figured out her next move. I knew full well that she hadn’t tried; I just wanted her to admit it for herself.
“No,” she said sheepishly. “I just thought it would be quicker if you did it. Mummy said we were in a hurry.”
“You shouldn’t tell lies that manipulate others sweety.”
“What’s does man…ipoo…late mean?”
“It’s when someone acts in a way that fools other people into believing or doing something for you that they don’t know about. There’s been too much of that in the world and we must try not to do it anymore. It’s not a fair thing.”
“I’m sorry,” she continued. “I promise not to man…ipoo…late again.”
“That’s my girl!” I knelt, looking at her respectfully in the eyes. I knew that despite her sincere promise, she’d probably unconsciously do it again anyway; she was only five after all and it was all part of her learning curve. As was such, I felt no need to push the issue any further with her. “I’ll tell you what though kids!”
“What?” they said in tandem.
“Because it’s only five minutes to Auntie Withiga’s house, I’ll let you both in on my secret … Daddy’s shoe lace trick.”
I picked up my shoe and opened it, tucking the shoelaces inside before pulling it snugly onto my foot.
“There! The tucking in trick! Only to be used for short distances to Auntie Withiga’s though mind you. It’s not safe for long walks or car trips.”
“That’s great,” said Alara, immediately moving to do the same with her shoes to great success.
I looked at Milly. She was waiting tolerantly, her laces already tied and her arms folded. She looked rather irritated.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I’m cross because you told me off for telling the truth.”
“I didn’t tell you off … I’m so proud of you for telling the truth. It’s just that, like I said, you have to be careful in how you share and tell your truth with others. What we think is the truth can be a very powerful and manipulative tool as well. Just think about it okay, that’s all I ask. I promise I’m not cross with you … do keep telling the truth.”
“Haven’t you left yet?” called Levah from the other room, as I noticed Milly’s eyes shift to acceptance of my words.
“We’re leaving now!”
“Go then!” she laughed.
I knew exactly what she was laughing at. It was forever the life of a parent to be in a state of semi-delay whilst trying to coax ones children out of the door.
“Righty then, are you both ready?” I concluded.
“Yes,” they both stood tall, backpacks on back and in seemingly compliant spirits.
“Let’s go then … ladies first.”
Miraculously, they both walked straight out the door without another word and I followed suit. As we re-entered the garden, they stayed silent, almost as if they were caught in a moment’s reflection over what they’d just learnt. I took a deep breath inside; oh to be alive on such a fond and memorable evening as this!
A few quiet minutes later, the archway gate to Auntie Withiga’s cottage stood before us. It was always quite the sight. Great masses of tangled metal intertwining with delicate strings of vegetation, all held firmly together in the centre by a grandly old and weather beaten wooden door. I reached to its handle, pulling it down and pushing it inwards to greet the rickety old brick path that lay beyond it. Allowing the girls to enter before me, I took a big pace inside, releasing the gate as it fell gently back on itself to close behind me. It always felt as if I was entering a completely new world. Like life as I knew it dropped surreally away, leaving me with nothing but the enchantingly unique universe of Auntie Withiga. The girls were always equally captivated by her land too, becoming lost to each other and themselves as they gaped in fascination at the nature around them.
Auntie Withiga’s property was one of the most amazingly serene and earthly places I’d ever visited. The grand archway entrance rose up somewhat oddly from a very old, small and rather run down white picket fence which ran for hundreds of metres around the entire border of her property. It was so small in fact that it seemed almost designed solely to keep out the little people of the world, for a full grown person like me could easily have stepped over it. When looking in from the outside, I often thought that the miniature fence seemed rather eccentric and out of place, strange in a way I could never quite put my finger on. Once within the fences boundaries however, I’d watch as all feelings of strangeness would immediately disappear, being replaced with a warm, conscious acceptance that just seemed to know a little better than the judgement that had gone before it. Rather ironically, I’d always find that when I looked back upon the fence from this new internal perspective, both it and the gate it supported looked incredibly organic in their presentation.
Inside, we were immediately surrounded by sleepy old fruit trees. Wise, knobbly and contorted beings which I always thought appeared to be standing differently every time we entered. They looked almost as if they’d spent their nights dancing and celebrating with each other around the orchard and, absent to their merriment upon dawns first light, always hurriedly rushed back to their places of rest, unbeknown to the fact they were in slightly different places to the day before. I’d decided that one day I’d be sure to stay up all night and see if my theory was true.
I could make out Auntie Withiga’s cottage in the distance through the trees about fifty metres away; a gentle and inviting rusty red wood and stone cottage that blended so pleasantly within its picturesque surroundings. Overcome by the garden, Milly and Alara had commenced scampering around gleefully again, chasing each other and what appeared to be imaginary fairies in DNA spiral shapes in and out of the old trees. The trees were in full bloom too, their mass of colour filled leaves and twigs intertwining gorgeously with the sound of buzzing insects and the smell of newly blossoming fruit. In the autumn, many of the local community would come and help Auntie Withiga harvest her crop. She never paid anyone for their work; instead she just shared her yield with all with those that came to help her. I admired her way of being very much. She lived a pretty much self-sufficient and sustainable lifestyle, having worked her way through life to exactly the place she wished to be; out in the wild living with and off the land as best she could. I’d learnt much from her myself, indeed she’d become a sort of mentor for me in that respect, teaching me how to nurture and grow things with love, as well as how to work and store with the seasons. Above all though, she was continually teaching me how to connect with the earth in a totally new way, an education I felt so grateful for.
Milly and especially Alara were now totally fearless in themselves, having dashed off ahead of me along the narrow pathway that led through Auntie Withiga’s vegetable garden and the small patch of mown grass that encircled the whole of her cottage. Before I knew it, they were knocking rampantly on her front door. After a few seconds, it began to open as I neared the lawn.
“Well well well! What have we here then?” came a cheery voice through the doorway.
“It’s us Auntie Withiga … Milly and Alara!” said Milly excitedly as her and Alara both started lovingly hugging Auntie Withiga’s legs.
“Milly and Alara hey? Let me have a look at you,” echoed the voice earthwards, being joined promptly by its owner as she knelt herself to catch the girls in full sight. “Well, you certainly look like Milly and Alara … although perhaps a bit bigger than last time.”
“We are Auntie Withiga, we’re here to prote- … no, stay the night with you. Look … Daddy is behind us!” piped Alara enthusiastically as I neared the door. Clearly, she still had our conversation and her task to protect Auntie Withiga from the Garaboo’s evil plans strongly in her mind. I was impressed how she’d remembered her vow of secrecy and stopped herself giving the game away.
“So he is,” replied Auntie Withiga, looking up to greet me warmly in the eyes. She had the wisest eyes I’d ever seen. Her big deep pupils were engulfed in semi-white light that dazzled out in all directions into and through every version of the colour blue I could possibly conceive. They were the kind of eyes I believed held the ability to captivate and melt even the hardiest of folk within their magical spell. In fact, I’d often ponder if I’d been cast under their spell too.
“Hello Auntie Withiga,” I said in playful formality.
“Hello Sir,” she replied in the same manner. “These two little cherubs tell me that they’re Milly and Alara, is that correct?”
“I’m not sure if I’m honest Auntie Withiga, I’m not sure. All I know is that they’ve been following me all the way here.”
“What are you talking about Daddy?” said Milly seriously, not getting the joke. “Of course we’re Milly and Alara. Who else could we be?”
“Well, you know the only way to find out don’t you?” ushered in Auntie Withiga.
“How?” asked Milly, beating Alara to the question.
“You’ll have to perform the fox and lemur puppet show for me. Only Milly and Alara know where the fox and lemur puppets are kept and how the show is performed. I’ve never told anyone else.”
Before she’d finished her sentence, the girls were already excitedly in through the door, tugging off their shoes and dashing their way straight towards the old and beautifully carved oaken chest that laid to the right of Auntie Withiga’s fire place.
“Have fun you two … I love you! Mummy and I will call before bedtime okay?” I called after them.
“Okay, bye bye daddy!” they cried out together, now not showing any evidence of nervousness in being left alone with Auntie Withiga.
“Thank you so much for taking them this evening by the way Cece,” I said, turning my attention to Auntie Withiga and calling her by her real name.
“Oh it’s my pleasure, you know that. Eight thirty bed time okay?”
“That’s fine. Don’t let them try and trick you otherwise though. They can be a little cheeky like that.”
“Yes, I’m sure they can,” she agreed, smiling knowingly to herself. “I get the feeling I’ll have to be strong and limit their brownie intake too. Will have to fill them up with a hearty supper before baking.”
“Good idea … otherwise that eight thirty bed time may drift significantly later into the night. They generate enough energy to put me through my paces from just breathing, so imagine them with too much sugar in their system.”
“I bet! I know what you mean, my children were exactly the same though … although perhaps not quite as in tune as yours. Sign of the times I reckon. How’s Levah doing by the way? How’s her first week been?”
“She’s doing well. She’s pretty tired, but feeling really positive about everything. She’s had a rather manic week understandably, but seems to be grounding herself well into it all. You know her … she’s a blessing wherever she goes.”
“Tell her to pop round for a quick cuppa this weekend if she’s got the energy. We’re overdue a good natter.”
“Sure, I’ll tell her, I’m pretty sure she’ll have time. We’re just planning to hang around the house this weekend with the girls.”
“Great! How’s the teasel doing?”
“Good, I think, the second year ones are looking beautiful. Although perhaps I’ll need your advice when it comes to harvesting the first year plants because I’ve never done it before.”
“It would be my pleasure to assist my dear. Will pop round and have a look at it over the next couple of weeks. You can borrow my manual as well if you like? I feel that perhaps it holds a bit more memory than my brain does these days.”
“What are you talking about? Your brains just fine, it never ceases to amaze me anyway.”
“Oh you charmer! Well it’s not what it used to be, I can tell you that.”
“Well I’m kind of happy then. I think I’d have been scared of you with a super charged brain. You know too much already.”
“I know what I need to know for this day I suppose, that’s enough for me at this age.”
“Auntie Withiga … we’re ready!” came Millys voice from inside. I peered into the cottage to see a small side turned table already prepared and covered with a purple cloth, two beady looking puppets staring up expectantly in our direction.
“Go home now Daddy. We need to start the show so Auntie Withiga remembers who we are,” acted out the lemur in a high pitched and alarmingly cockney sounding squeak, whilst accompanied by approving nods and deep grunts of agreement from the scruffy looking fox to its left.
Accepting my orders, I readied my body to leave. “We’ll call you a bit later on Cece, just before their bedtime. Don’t hesitate to ring us before though if there are any problems.”
“No worries. See you tomorrow my lad. Remember to tell Levah about that cuppa.”
I nodded in respectful recognition as she likewise departed me affectionately in the eyes and half closed the door. As I walked down the path I could hear the fox and lemur in the background already calling out for her immediate attention, however as my feet continued, their voices began descending into indiscriminate murmurs as my presence shifted back into the world that lay around me.
I had no worries at all in leaving Milly and Alara with Auntie Withiga. She was such a wonderful influence on them, always teaching and bringing out things in their beings that were beyond the skills of Levah and I to do on our own. Every time they returned to us from her company, even if they’d only been with her for a couple of hours, I could always tell that a little part of them had changed and that a new seed had been planted or an old one watered. They were all seeds that I couldn’t wait to see grow, in fact it would be fascinating to meet the girls again tomorrow after spending a whole night in her cottage (if of course the Garaboo didn’t get them all first!) Perhaps they’d transform into different creatures entirely! I chuckled to myself amongst the fruit trees as funny nonsensical visions of the creatures they could possibly become started flashing before my eyes. As these visions began to fade away though, I watched as my thoughts drifted forward to the imminent arrival of the evening ahead with the rather awesome coupling of Rowen Lealae and Thea Dermar Beck.
A few extremely present and grateful, but fairly uneventful minutes later, I was almost home again. I pulled my mobile from my pocket to check the time. 4.55pm. Rowen and Thea would be with us in about an hour. One hour? I couldn’t remember the last time Levah and I’d had one hour together without the girls being our immediate responsibility or having another task to do. All thoughts of our earlier time dilemma started to feel a little silly. Why on earth had we felt time’s pressure and rushed the girls off to Auntie Withigas when we had an hour to spare? Very strange!
Looking ahead along the track, I could see a freshly showered Levah laying and sunning herself in the garden, wrapped casually in a large light green towel.
“Both girls successfully delivered,” I shouted across the garden, disturbing her from a serene looking daze as she located my voice to me.
“Were they okay?” she asked gently, propping herself up on her elbows.
“Absolutely! Surprisingly so in fact. You know how good Cece is with them. They just ran into her house without a care or fear in the world and forgot all about us. Felt a bit hurt by it all really.”
“Oh you poor thing. Did they make you feel used and unwanted?” I felt her tone change, bringing forth an intense and playful sarcasm that sent a fuzzy yet knowledgeable sensation through my entire body.
“Unwanted yes … but not used at all. I thought I’d leave the using up to you.”
“Oh you did, did you? Do you think I look like the kind of person who callously uses poor innocent lads like you?”
“I didn’t say anything of the sort.”
“Then what are you implying then?”
“I’m implying that perhaps you can find a use for me. Somehow we’ve got an hour until our guests arrive and everything we need to do is done.”
“What makes you think I need anything from you? Perhaps I wish us both just to lie here for an hour and do nothing.”
“Well you can’t see yourself from my angle,” I tilted my head, intent on taking the game up a notch as my eyes started suggestively scanning over her horizontal body. “From the look of you, you definitely look like you need something.”
“And you think you can fulfil that need, do you?”
“Maybe I can.”
“Maybe you can,” she mirrored my words slowly back at me as she shifted her position and gradually began to stand. “Well, as you’ve already said you’ve got about an hour to figure out if your maybes are really somethings.”
“Only half an hour really, I need to take a shower myself. But seriously, can you remember the last time we had an hour without the girls here and nothing to do?”
She chuckled a little to herself as her body straightened to face me.
“What?” I asked unknowingly.
“Oh Tim, do you really think that this hour opened up all by itself?” she brushed the grass off the back of her towel.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh you did, didn’t you … you Wally,” she moved closer. “I love your naivety sometimes. I think it’s time for your surprise,” she edged closer still, her deep brown eyes staring wildly within me in the way only she knew how to do. My game was well and truly over now and she knew it too. She always knew when our games were up and now she just stood smiling at me, peacefully excited within her knowledge of what was becoming. I began to witness as the world around me subtly dropped away; harmonious, in tune, a perfect reflection of what was inside us starting to form without. We stayed smiling, moving closer to each other as our want became us. Then, all of a sudden, her towel dropped, revealing her moist, sun drenched body, as bright as a million tiny stars dazzling inside my eyes.
“Surprise,” vibrated the stars as I moved ecstatically within them.
“Tim, where’d you put the bottle opener?” reverberated a voice through the patters of water.
“What?” I shouted back, not being able to decipher any meaning the first time round.
“I said … where’d you put the bottle opener?” came the voice again, much clearer than before, its head newly positioned inside the bathroom door so that it could speak to me directly.
“I think it’s at the back of the third kitchen drawer. What’s the time?”
“Five thirty five. You’ve got about half an hour.”
“That’s all I need.”
“Okay … hurry though. I want to have a cuddle in the garden before they get here.”
“We’ve just had a cuddle.”
“I mean a real cuddle silly. I need to tell you something.”
“Alright then … give me a minute. I’ll come out to dry off.”
“Deal! I’ll be in the garden.”
“Are you already ready?”
“Yeah, of course I am! It’s only Thea and Rowen … they don’t need a lot of preparing for.”
“Ai … that’s true,” I said assuredly as her presence drifted away, returning my attention back to the delightful sounding feel of warm running water bouncing off my grateful body. I stood, eyes closed, my consciousness wrapped up in sensation as time disintegrated around me. I felt so grateful to be able to feel such pleasure in something so simple.
“You coming!?” came Levah’s shout back from down the stairs again, bringing me out of my daze. I had no idea how long I’d drifted.
“Yeah!” I boomed back, reaching to turn off the shower tap. “Be there in a mo! God … you can’t get enough of me right now can you!”
“I said … you can’t get enough of me right now can you!” I raised my voice up a notch further as I felt it gently vibrate my surroundings.
“What?” echoed her voice again, clearly missing out on my words for the second time.
“Never mind,” I gave up, lowering my voice again. “I’ll be down in a minute!”
“I said … I’ll be down in a minute!”
Turning the shower off, I shook myself as the remaining large globules of water flew off my body to join their friends on the floor below. Reaching for the towel slung over the top of the adjacent shower wall, I lightly dried myself before wrapping it snugly around my waist and stepping out of the shower cubicle. Leaving the bathroom, I moved swiftly downstairs, into the hall and through the kitchen to greet the open back door. I could see Levah sunning herself on the grass again, an activity she always looked so exceedingly natural in doing. It felt almost as if she’d been laying there for hours and I’d just imagined her being part of my shower experience. Perhaps I had?
“That was quick,” she said without looking round, hearing my rustled arrival in the garden.
“Well, I didn’t have much of a choice did I?” I replied, positioning myself next to her and sitting down as the warm sun bounced merrily off my damp skin. “My turbo shower enjoyment kept getting disturbed by a little nagging voice from down stairs.”
“Who was that then?”
“’I’ve no idea. I thought perhaps you’d be able to shed some light on the situation?”
“Nope,” she shook her head. “I’ve no idea either. I’ve just been lying out here day dreaming the whole time. That busy mind of yours must be working over time again.”
“Perhaps it has,” I agreed willingly, deciding to end our banter for a moment. “You know me too well.”
“I sure do,” she rolled over on her side, scrunching her nose as she released one of her cheekiest smiles towards me. “Lay with me while you dry. There’s still plenty of time … they’re always a little bit late.”
Without the need to verbally respond, I found my body stretching itself out next to her as she rolled onto her back, my left hand automatically moving towards her outstretched right as the soft grass below welcomed me back into its world. As our hands clasped tight, my eyes lovingly focussed into greet the cloudless blue sky above.
“I just had a lovely day dream,” she said softly inside the blueness.
“Yeah? What were you dreaming about?”
“I don’t know really. Us, our life, the girls, how it all was, is and may be.”
“That’s a pretty comprehensive day dream.”
“It is, isn’t it? I find it amazing how one can sometimes sense and remember the feelings of an entire lifetime inside the space of a few breaths. It seems strange how so much time can drift away into mere moments that define who we are right now.”
“And who are you right now?”
She paused as she released my hand and rolled over towards me again, placing her left hand on my chest and the top of her head inside the nape of my neck. I could feel the warm exhale of her reflective breath drifting down my side, her dark brown hair gently tickling my neck as it soaked up all the remaining moisture left over from the shower.
“I’m just so grateful,” she released, pressing her hand down on my chest.
“What a wonderful place to be,” I replied, my eyes still lost within the pristine blueness above me, a place where Levah’s voice sounded almost as if it was emanating from. “Try and stay there for as long as you can.”
“I think a part of me always remembers to be grateful, no matter what I’m doing these days. It’s just I think I still need moments of quiet reflection like this to really begin to feel and appreciate it all in a conscious way. Do you know what I mean?”
“I know what you mean.”
“I think so. I certainly understand the need for stillness to allow gratitude to shine through anyway. Speaking of stillness though, how was your walk earlier?”
“Wonderful! Mother earth always helps me ground and balance myself so well. Thanks for taking charge and persuading me to go.”
“You’ve had a tough week. I know how much you need your Levah time.”
“I sure did … but I need my Tim time too you know,” her arm extended to reach over my chest into a loving squeeze.
“Well, you managed to fix that one pretty well didn’t you. I’d no idea of the window you’d created.”
“It took some planning and a few whitish lies to create, I can tell you. Feel a bit guilty about it if I’m honest. It feels almost as if I’ve stolen time.”
“Don’t feel guilty, time doesn’t mind. It doesn’t really exist remember?”
“Yeah right, of course! What’ve I stolen then?”
“I don’t know. Whatever it is though, it was definitely worth stealing.”
“Since when did you advocate theft? You’re such a squeaky clean soul these days.”
“Careful now missy,” I left the blue and tilted my head towards hers. “I could just as easily change my stance and report you and your unruly ways you know. I still need to get you back from earlier!”
“To whom would you report me to?”
“Milly, Alara, Auntie Withiga, Rowen and Thea … I bet they’d all have something to say about your selfish deception.”
“You don’t have the guts,” her head jumped up from the nape of my neck and glared up at me wildly in the eye.
“Just try me.”
“You’d tell your own daughters all about what’s happened in this hour that we stole from them, would you? All of it? I’d like to see you try because you know they wouldn’t stop until you’ve explained it all.”
“Well, not all of it of course. I’d embellish a little no doubt. Perhaps I’ll tell them that you used the time to conspire with the Garaboo against them and me. Say that you’re his evil assistant or something. I’d love to see you try and get out of that one.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” she shuffled her body further away, allowing her whole face to come into view as she propped herself up on her elbow, the deep brown in her eyes burning even wilder in the playful challenge.
“Want to find out?” I retorted, accepting her challenge and propping myself up on my elbows.
“A part of me does actually. I want to see if the girls would believe you or not. They’re not stupid you know? They might think that you’re just spreading evil Garaboo lies to turn them against their beloved mummy. That’s the stance I’d encourage anyway.”
“You’re a tough one Dotling. You’d be willing to create a ‘choose a parent scenario’?”
“If you push me enough, I might not have a choice. My survival and parenting instincts might just override everything else, including my love for you.”
My imagination wandered off into visions of our two puzzled daughters standing in between Levah and me in a circular room as we ruthlessly beckoned and encouraged them towards us. Being my created vision, I won them both of course, leaving Levah both distraught and alone on the other side as I revelled rather unrepentantly in my easy victory. In reality though, I wasn’t sure which way the girls would choose to go. I was almost certain I’d be able to persuade Alara over to my side, however, Milly was well and truly a mummy’s girl and as much as she loved me, when it came down to matter of choice, I really wouldn’t stand a chance.
What nonsense wanderings these were! I leant my hand out to Levah in reconciliation.
“Alright then, it’s not worth the risk. Truce?”
She looked me competitively up and down as she assessed her options, the changing looks on her face appearing almost as if she was having the same visions as I. I wondered if she was coming to the same conclusion.
“Deal!” she met my hand tightly. “Let this be the end of it.”
“I’ve no idea how it all started!”
“We never do,” she giggled, returning to the nape of my neck as I synchronistically lay down and returned my eyes back to the big blue above.
“Oh yeah,” I suddenly remembered. “Cece asked me to tell you to pop round for a cuppa with her this weekend.”
“Ah cool … yeah … I’ll do that for sure. I haven’t had the chance to chat with her properly in ages. I definitely need me some more Auntie Withiga time. Will you be alright with the girls for a couple of hours?”
“Sure, my weekend is wide open.”
“You love saying that don’t you?”
“Are you sure everything is sorted in the kitchen?” she asked, changing the subject completely.
“I’m sure, no worries, we’re all good to go. I just need to put some clothes on.”
That was all she needed to hear to fully relax into the evening. I’d sensed that she still had some subtle tension in her left over from her new working week for a while now, but after hearing my final words of reassurance, I watched as her tension started drifting peacefully away as she closed her eyes. I closed my eyes too, watching from inside as the brilliant blue of the infinite above soothingly morphed itself into the soft and gentle darkness of within.
I’m not afraid of the dark anymore. Afraid of the darkness I still hold within me, or afraid of the collective manifestation of darkness that I still see present in the world. Instead, I’m slowly learning to retune my perspective of what the darkness means to me by gently leaning into and challenging my beliefs about its nature (in all their experiential forms) as and when they’re presented to me. By committing to this challenge, I’m beginning to see how it no longer serves me or humanity to be fearful of the darkness because it’s ultimately fear that feeds and nourishes it into continued unbalanced existence.
On its surface, being in the dark can appear a scary and foreboding place, one that ruthlessly strips us bare of everything we think we know and leaves us with nothing but a naked union with our human frailties in their rawest, most uncompromised and undistracted of forms. It’s the darkness which takes us back to our primal states of survival, causing us to forget the bigger picture of our lives as we struggle to process the prospect of the unknown and our place within it. It’s inside such darkness, where we come face to face with all the uncertainties of life, where we’re incessantly presented with and tormented by all our egoic cycles of anger, fear, judgement and reaction that take us away from the magic of the present moment. It’s the darkness that manipulates us and makes us afraid of ourselves and each other, leaving us unknowing, unconnected and untrusting to each other’s intentions and through this mistrust, we find that we become increasingly more disenchanted, separate and afraid, which only makes our perspective of the darkness we experience all the more dark.
Carl Jung once said, “What you resist persists”. I love the concept of this statement! I find it so deeply profound and endeavour my best to hold onto its wisdom inside of me every moment I can. To me, fear of darkness (and all the emotions of anger, resentfulness and rejection that fear stirs) is the ultimate form of resistance to it and therefore the prime creator of its persistence. As is such (and as much as I may feel I want to), I know I must try not to be fearful, angry, resentful or rejecting towards the darkness for its presence in my life. Instead, I try my best to be compassionate towards it, understanding in a way that not only sees how the darkness wants to invoke such negative inner responses in me in order to help fuel it into continued creation, but also in a way that opens my perspectives up to the belief that right now, darkness needs to be because it’s an essential part of my evolving human experience. Indeed, that it is perhaps the times of darkness that I experience right now, which present the opportunities for me to presently learn and evolve from the most in my life. I believe it’s paramount that I start to understand that in its essence, darkness is a challenge that I’ve needed to experience in order to find the light and that darkness’s presence is as natural a part of the evolution of life as everything else I know. A part which (rather wonderfully I might add) I believe we all have the free choice to bring into balance, both in and outside of ourselves, if we so choose.
So many of us believe that we’re powerless to darkness’s ways and for many, this is the reason why we push so hard against it. This belief however is just an illusion, a misguided perception created to blind us from the power and light that we hold. As human beings, we need to wake up to this misguidance by finding a way to mindfully cast all our feelings of helplessness and resistance aside and see the essence of unbalanced darkness for precisely what it really is; a mere absence of light. Darkness cannot and will never be able to deluminate light for it can only be present through light’s absence, a light that each and every one of us has the potential to ignite, shine and hold on to inside every moment that we choose to remember.
In my mind’s eye, I always look upon the amazingly powerful, multilayered and profoundly human symbol of the yin and the yang when I contemplate such matters of existence. It’s such a simple, yet wonderfully insightful metaphor of how balance resides in every aspect of conscious being. Be it masculine and feminine, life and death, energy and matter, shadow and sun, mind and body, ego and consciousness, earth and heaven, being and doing, intuition and reason, obscurity and illumination, or ebb and flow, I believe that the yin and the yang can symbolise the balance of all. However for me, nothing better does the yin and the yang embody than the present challenge of the balance of darkness and light. Half the symbol holding the black of darkness, the other the white of light, both contained within a self-regulating circle of existence, dancing infinitely with and into each other in varying degrees of depth and complexity. Perhaps the profoundest aspect of all though, is that residing inside both the halves of darkness and of light, sitting naturally and harmoniously at the core of the other, is a small representation of the opposite. Darkness exists deep within the heart of light and light exists deep within the heart of darkness. In the human experience, I think we all know inside (in one way or another) that we’re part of the heart of darkness standing in the light, however, I also think that we’ve forgotten that we’re also the heart of light that standing bravely in the darkness as well. It’s time we bring this memory back to life and ignite this balance into being.
Drift with me a moment if you will and imagine your inner being standing in a large and unfamiliar pitch black room, the metaphoric darkness per say. To be trapped alone inside such an uninviting and uncertain place brings scary and uneasy notions does it not? It does to me anyway and I’m pretty sure that even the hardiest of us couldn’t deny that fear and anxiety is how we instinctively feel when such unknown dark possibilities are presented to us. It’s here though where we must be brave, and challenge ourselves not only to begin remembering, but also to start believing in the light that we are and the power that we hold. It’s in this moment where we must choose to reach inside, take up one of the infinite matches of existential faith we hold there (no matter how that existential faith presents itself for us) and strike it as we watch the darkness flee from our sides.
Inside of this light, we gift ourselves the opportunity to look around and beyond ourselves, enabling us to start observing and gently find our bearings in the previously darkened room. Inside the safety of our self-created glow, we’ll begin to see that the room isn’t as scary or unknown as it first appeared to be. Instead, as our eyes adjust themselves to their surroundings, we’ll come to realise that the places near us where darkness used to be, are actually now awash with the possibility, choice and wonder of light.
Whilst we get our bearings in this newly discovered place, we may find that our match burns out, returning us back to the uncertainty of total darkness once again. Now however, being in the same darkness doesn’t feel quite so overwhelming because even though we cannot see what’s around us, we’re able to remember parts of the room in which we stand and perhaps more importantly, the matches that we still hold inside. Thus, when we’re ready again, we need only remember to reach for and strike another match and allow our light to return to our sides.
Even if initially the light of our first few matches doesn’t extend very far, we can rest assured that with patience and persistence, we’ll always be able to remember to light the way far enough to see our next step and this next step is really all we need. By trusting this, our bravery to continue exploring what’s around us in the face of uncertainty will create enough light and awareness inside the room that we may eventually find our way to a candle, a beacon of light which we can than set ablaze to create a longer, stronger source of illumination around us. We can then utilise this light to explore the room even further and when we’re ready, lean deeper into the remaining darkness and uncharted areas of the room. In due course, we’ll inevitably find our way to more candles, igniting each one carefully and gratefully as we go, as more and more of the room glows within the possibility and potential of our created light, the darkness retreating deeper and deeper into the shadows with every flame of awareness that comes to be.
With our light creating our continued awareness to explore that which we used to perceive as dark, we can then learn to integrate and balance its ways within us, helping us become even more open and compassionate to darkness’s teachings in our lives. This way, we learn how to honour the darkness, and ultimately accept it as part of the existence of light. Through such compassionate acceptance, the darkness will have no choice but to begin dropping its attachment to all its angry and manipulative games, as well as its incessant egoic need for attention and control, and its constant fear mongering and segregated cycles of judgement and reaction, because it will have nothing left to fuel them with. By ceasing to be resisted, the darkness will ultimately cease to persist in destructive imbalance in our reality, slowly disappearing from physical manifestation in our everyday world as it’s integrated, balanced and loved within the individual light of the human perspective before it has the chance to come to collective external form.
It should be remembered here though, that no matter how much we enlighten the room, darkness will continue to exist in the corners, crevices, cracks and deep shadows of the room that our light cannot reach. This is a good thing because this is balanced darkness and now we know exactly where it is! Honouring and accepting darkness as part of ourselves and our world is healthy, for as much as darkness cannot exist without light, life and form as we know it still cannot exist without darkness. Right now, we need darkness to bring definition to the evolution of light because if everything was to suddenly become light, then all there’d be is light and we’d be equally blind to the room around us because our eyes are not ready to perceive light in this way.
It’s my belief that perceptual experience, not blindness is the reason why we are here on earth right now and to experience such experiences (as they’re available to us in the present moment), requires a complete acceptance of darkness’s presence. Thus, we must try to challenge our temptation to rush forward too quickly and illuminate ourselves and our rooms as fast as we can whilst holding eliminating darkness as our intent. Intent to eliminate darkness doesn’t create a balanced perspective that honours the now. Intent to balance darkness creates a balanced perspective that honours the now. At present, humanity need only create enough light so that we can create collective peace and learn to navigate ourselves within our surroundings without bumping into and hurting each other and ourselves. The next perceptual step (whatever that may be) will no doubt follow when we’re ready to see it, however in the here and now, balanced darkness and light, a concept that’s so beautifully represented in the symbol of the yin and the yang is the way forward for us.
This is the sheer awesomeness of the paradigm in which we live. That no matter how dark a place may seem, no matter how out of sight and lost things may appear, all we need do is take up the challenge of faith to find our own source of light (no matter how that source presents itself), remember how to compassionately ignite and shine it and then watch as the darkness starts fleeing from our sides. Remember, darkness cannot penetrate light and never will unless we surrender our light to its fear. It’s a choice that we all have the capacity to be part of if we so choose to.
“Wake up honey! You still need to get dressed!”
My eyes opened to feel Levah’s hand gently shaking my chest as the light of the world flooded back into my rejuvenated eyes.
“I think I dosed off for a minute there?” I said suddenly.
“You sure did lover,” she replied, moving to stand. “You even started to pre snore a little. I don’t know why, but I always find your pre snoring so incredibly cute. It’s almost like an ‘I’m just about to dose off’ warning. You’re silent as silent can be after that.”
“Good job I have it then! I think perhaps I could’ve drifted a lot deeper there. I’m lucky you’re here … otherwise Rowen and Thea would’ve sure been in for a pleasant surprise on their arrival.”
“Yeah right! I know we’re close and all that, but I’m sure seeing a half naked Tim Hurtletuta dribbling all over his garden wasn’t on their list of priorities when they woke this morning. Come on get up, you can drift deeper later!”
“I’m sure they’d have been delighted to see this Adonis of a man in his most primal of forms,” I defended ironically as I pulled my legs in and pushed myself to stand.
“You keep telling yourself that Hun.”
“What if I stand like this?” I tightened my stomach in and puffed out my chest as far as it would go, raising my arms and left leg skywards.
She started laughing hysterically as my vision drifted momentarily above me, observing my rather absurdly positioned, towel covered body upon the earth below. My right leg wobbled with increased intensity as I persisted seriousness in the face of the oncoming hysteria. What on earth was I doing?
“You’re such a prat, you know that?” chuckled Levah, her words half lost within her hilarity.
“I know,” I wobbled in front of her, still trying to remain serious inside my pratness. “I know.”
“They’re here!” called Levah as I pulled up my left sock, completing my readiness.
“Coming!” I hollered back downstairs, jumping to my feet and looking out the bedroom window to the sight and sound of Rowen and Thea getting out of their car.
I felt my spirits rise up in anticipation, a combination of nervous excitement taking control of my body as my mind flashed forward into the unknown of what was becoming. I generally always felt a little nervous before I met people and perhaps even more so when they were those I held so dear to me.
“Come on!” hurried Levah, as I heard her open the front door. Not wishing to be left out, I hurried myself out the bedroom and headed straight down the stairs, clip clopping my way hastily upon the old solid wood surface as my hands simultaneously pulled my body lustfully along the banisters towards the ground below. One quick turn and the front door was in sight.
Levah’s voice had morphed into a contorted twitter of excitement as her noise seemed to blend cohesively with the equally contorted twitters of Rowen and Thea. Through the open doorway I could see her body bouncing up and down as she scurried along the driveway towards Thea, her arms flung wide open ready to grab and greet all in her wake. Thea was smiling manically, her arms outstretched just as wide as Levah’s and dashing in an equally eager manner towards her friend.
I marched along the hallway, my eyes firmly fixed upon joining my targets as the world blurred inconspicuously around me. As Levah and Thea united, a delightful explosion of friendship erupted around them as their bodies gripped each other and began swaying around raucously in their shared joy of seeing each other. I neared the doorway, my view becoming further pleased as I observed Rowen subtly walking in to join the picture. He was smiling too, watching the explosive greeting of Levah and Thea as keenly and appreciatively as I, but through peaceful yet expectant eyes. Like myself, I could tell he wanted in on the action as well.
“Hey!” I called loudly as I burst through the doorway, my presence immediately catching and igniting further spark in Rowen’s eye as he turned to face me. Levah and Thea released each other and all of a sudden, the warm, yet still incredibly contorted greetings came flying in my direction. They weren’t words or cheers as such; more so sounds of charmed recognition that lay somewhere inside a strange universal language that I could never comprehend, but always felt the meaning of resonantly inside.
For reasons that I can only attribute to that of bromance, I watched as my body started gravitating itself immediately towards the lone standing Rowen. However, having already greeted and released Thea, I could tell Levah was also on her way to do the same thing. An amusing image of us smothering Rowen in an octopus style hug flashed before my eyes, causing a swift yet conscious recalibration of choice inside of me. Sensing my partner’s will, my attention moved to the newly available woman in front of me.
“Hello trouble,” I spoke resonantly to her eyes as our arms moved in between each other.
“Tim!” she shrieked. “Why are you always late?”
I laughed, squeezing her tightly. “It’s my style my dear … you should know that by now.”
“It sure is!” she said genuinely, reciprocating both my squeeze and my laughter. “How you doing?”
“I’m great thank you, Thea. Yourself?”
“Couldn’t be better for seeing you guys.”
“I’ll second that one,” I affirmed as we released each other, moving backwards into short, yet meaningful eye contact.
I had so much respect for Thea Dermar Beck, the long term partner of my old friend Rowen Lealae. She was so different to me in so many ways and yet, when we came into contact, we always seemed to find a way to meet in the middle and connect and honour each other on the deepest of levels. Our connection was helped by the fact she was one of Levah’s closest friends too. They were like two peas in a pod, true sisters in life and I loved how much beauty, wisdom and sheer fun Thea brought out in Levah and vice versa. It was funny how it all transpired really, the reunion of myself and Rowen bringing about their union and both he and I felt so blessed that they got on so well. Their immediate connection and togetherness helped us no end as we rekindled our friendship all those years ago.
Suddenly remembering my dear friend’s presence in the driveway, I turned naturally away from Thea and stepped towards him as Levah likewise returned to Thea’s side.
“Hello mate!” I called out lovingly, gently brushing Levah’s shoulder on passing. “How’s it going?”
“All good bro,” he responded instantly, his smile widening with loving recognition ignited by his shiny eyes. In seemingly perfect unison, we both stretched out our right hands into a soft, yet meaningful clasp, pulling each other closer and closer until we were united in a hearty but powerful man hug. I did love a good man hug.
“It’s so great that you could come today,” I patted him firmly on the back. “It’s been ages!”
“Did’ya miss me?” he said cheekily.
“Nah! Not at all. I’m just chuffed to see you now.”
“Likewise buddy,” he agreed, understanding my every word as we released each other, allowing our eyes to join together in momentary honour.
In my life to now, I’ve been blessed to have many wonderfully unique and precious beings come in and out of my experience. I’ve had meaningful relationships and connections that have lasted for minutes, hours, days, weeks and years and if I tasked my mind to it, I’m pretty sure that I’d be able to recall each and every one of them for the precious and life enriching entities they were. I’ve been blessed to share experiences where everything I’ve been, known and communicated around has been greeted, integrated and reflected back to me with nothing but deep love, clarity and understanding. On the contrary to this, I’ve also had many experiences, even prolonged periods of time in my life where I haven’t been able to open myself up to and connect with anyone at all, at least not in the ways I would’ve liked. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t connected, it just means that the connection has existed in a place that in that particular moment and state of consciousness, I’ve been unaware and uncomfortable with opening myself up to experiencing.
Through all of this though (and despite my minds continued desire for positive and harmonious connections), I’ve found that my heart has gently begun to teach me the way of finding a balanced perspective inside all the relationships and connections I experience, and the plethora of unpredictable and indifferent emotions that such relationships and connections can invoke inside of me. My heart’s always nudging me to be tolerant towards myself and those around me, coaxing me towards the idea that I’m always communicating the best I can within every moment I share with others and vice versa. That it’s my challenge to find a balanced and peaceful perspective inside myself in every relationship and connection I create, even if at times the best that relationship or connection can communally muster leaves me feeling unfulfilled, unrepresented or even, out of balance.
Deep down, I really get this concept and see that in order to welcome true balance into this area of my life, I need to adjust my energetic presentation of myself depending on the environments and individuals I’m placed within. That it’s not (and never will be) my place to force myself upon or try to undiscernibly pull others into resonance with my perspective if the connection doesn’t warrant it. Remembering to hold acceptance to this outlook helps me to look compassionately beyond the projected differences and frustrations in communication that my mind sees and allows my heart to begin fully honouring and exploring others for precisely who they are in the moments they share with me. As this remembrance grows ever stronger, I’m learning how to create temperance towards the resulting emotional and egoic frustrations that my tolerance and compassion in being casts within me to deal with, enabling me to see beyond my personal needs and become who I need to be, where and when I need to be it, no matter how compromised, constricted or even uncomfortable my mind may feel itself to be. I’ve realised that in order to keep balance in myself and my environments, I can’t always be looking to be myself in the way myself always wants to be portrayed. That I have to seek to meet my environments in the middle (wherever that middle is), regardless of whether the environment is consciously doing the same.
With my awareness of this growing, I’m beginning (rather wonderfully I might add) to appreciate and learn from everyone and everything in my experience without experiential or emotional hierarchy. I feel the old responses and emotions yes; I sense the feelings of lack and compromise also, but when I can be mindful and compassionate towards myself and my emotive responses, I’m now starting to sense my experience much more holistically, in a more rounded and grounded way that resides within the bigger picture of my life. This has ultimately helped me stop defining what I expect myself, my experience and my social life to be and helped me see that despite my desires to express and share all I am and know without restriction, that meeting my relationships and environments in the conceptual middle actually helps me express my authentic self even better than when I thought I was compromising myself. As a consequence of this newly discovered authenticity, I’m beginning to feel real peace, harmony and balance within all connections I create, regardless of my mind’s perception of experiential hierarchy towards them.
As beautiful as this all sounds though, it’s also so much easier said than done. Trying to be all this to oneself, let alone to all one meets inside every environment one enters isn’t a challenge to be rushed or taken lightly. Nor should it be. It takes patience, resilience and commitment inside every moment of every day and that’s only scratching the surface of what’s possible. However, despite the difficulty I still face to remember and balance this growing wisdom within myself, when I find the space to step out and look at the bigger picture of my experience, I do rest contented in the reassurance that all I need do now is commit to the journey and learn from it. Through this commitment, I find myself observing and remembering a little bit more of how to balance myself every day.
With this said, my attention can now come back to greeting the man in front of me. Rowen Lealae, oh where to begin with knowing Rowen Lealae? I suppose I often feel that I know who he could be, indeed inside this very moment, my mind is pestering me to make up, enhance and validate its endless assumptions and conclusions to prove to both myself and to you that I know who my best friend is. These beliefs however, are just conditioned impressions based upon the past connections and memories of the familiarity and resonance I hold with his character. They’re who I expect him to be, for me, within the boundaries of my personal narrative. They’re not and never will be who he truly is now.
This theory of non-assumption applies to my relationship with Levah and as much as I don’t want to admit it, to my children as well. I can say I know who we are now from my perspective; who Tim and Levah are as an evolving partnership and who Tim, Levah, Milly and Alara are as evolving a family unit; that will always be mine to say and explore while we are together because I’m innately part of that process. Beyond this though, I’m beginning to see that I cannot ever assume who they are individually anymore because that assumption will never be able to truly see that which they are now.
Despite the complexity of my linear understanding of this, I must say that the questions it presents me are relatively simple. Do I wish to continue perceiving and greeting my fellow beings by holding onto the boxes of belief I’ve created or been conditioned for them to be for me? Or can I now move my perception forward to honour and then celebrate all that they are inside of the present moments I share with them? Ultimately, am I able to let everything I think I know beforehand go (if only for a moment) in order to discover the newness of the now I share with everyone I meet (and who they are within it), regardless of how well I believe I know them to be before I meet them?
I know that experiential familiarity, expectation and hierarchy in how I greet and perceive others does and will continue to exist in my life. In my eyes, it seems a natural part of being human right now to seek and form deeper alliances and connections to those who we perceive our personalities resonate deeper with and I don’t think these familiarities and alliances should be resisted. At the end of the day, differences in expression are a great thing and besides, humanity isn’t here for everyone to see eye to eye and agree upon everything in a uniform way because life would be so boring and defy its very purpose of creative exploration. Nevertheless, if beyond our gatherings of familiarity and perceived expressions of separateness, we can start to find a way to honour our connections and greet each other for who we are inside the present moment, then we can move one step closer to discovering who everyone we meet truly is. We’ll know it when we see it because we’ll remember that everyone is part of our family. One gargantuous creative family made separate by billions of physical and emotional expressions of being human. What an awesome place to greet someone from.
Seeing this so then, the human part of me can now safely say that (in the realms of preconceived resonation anyway) no friendship Levah and I have ever had will ever compare to the friendship we shared with Rowen Lealae and Thea Dermar Beck. They’re two of the few people on the planet that we feel wholeheartedly open and connected with whenever we’re united with them. They never seem to assume who we are, or we them, and even though we do share so much linearity in common, it seems to come easy to the four of us to always seek to greet each other’s souls in the present and honour each other for who they are in the moments we share. As a result of this collective outlook, our meetings always seem to take us down deeper, brighter and indeed, funnier and more playful paths of understanding together. Tonight would be no exception.
Levah and Thea had already sped off in their own bubble of sisterhood, shepherding each other off arm in arm, both in and through the house and into the back garden, leaving Rowen and I alone on the driveway.
“Do you want a beer buddy?” I asked.
“Sounds great mate! You know I can’t turn down the offer of a cold one in the sun.”
“Yeah right … there’s something refreshingly romantic about it, isn’t there?”
“Exactly! I’ve never quite figured out why though.”
“Probably a multitude of different reasons I reckon … although I can’t say I’ve given it much thought either.” I started ushering Rowen towards the front door. “But hey ho, to the fridge we go! We thought we’d eat in the garden this evening … think it’d be rude not to on a day like today. Did you remember you swimmers?”
“Of course! You try and stop me getting in that water. I’ve been aching to jump in it all day!” eased Rowen, following me inside and pulling the door shut behind him.
I felt completely weightless, suspended half way between the cold dark liquid matter beneath me and the dazzling light of the infinite above. It was in moments such as this that everything became completely still, almost as if a switch had been flipped inside my mind, allowing the most natural state of peace to come flooding back, returning and amplifying my senses to the gratitude of simply being.
The water was cold in a way that enlivened my body without hurting it, somehow managing to shudder life’s memory back into every pore of my being as each one of my cells stood present to my attention, waiting benevolently for their next command. The gently rippling waves lapped against my ears, their liquid seal muffling out all the sounds of my oxygenated environment with the deep stillness of the shadowy depths beneath. My body lay completely motionless, my eyes focussing themselves above and tenderly absorbing the light of the cloud studded vintage blue evening sky, as an ever so subtle breeze drifted both them and me gently across the abyss.
And there I lay in the middle of it all; on one side a loyal servant facing the light of the world around me and on the other a grateful explorer balancing himself peacefully upon the unknown darkness below. I could see the little specks of light dancing again. The tiny energetic whirligigs that drifted in and out of each other in a million different ways as they too sought to explore and feel the vibrancy of the world we shared. I never knew what they were and if I’m honest, I still don’t, not in a way I can convey anyway. My logical mind has always thought that perhaps I’d just forgotten to breathe and that the specks presence was but a distorted reflection of my mildly deoxygenated brain playing tricks on me. Luckily for my imagination though, every other part of me has always sought to try and look through such notions of linearity. Not because I can offer up a better meaning in return, no, more so in a way of innocence that trusts the surreal romanticism of the magical dancing light.
After countless occasions, I’ve realised that no matter how hard I try that I’m never able to focus in on them. They’re way too abstract for me, always successfully managing to evade my pupil’s central gaze and remain dancing subtly in the peripheries of my vision. As is such, I’ve stopped trying to chase them and strangely enough, it’s this creation of relaxed acceptance that has caused their presence to intensify. For seemingly no longer under scrutiny from my inquisitive pupils, they dance even freer inside the outer colours of my irises.
Today, this outcome was no different and once again transfixed inside this place of acceptance, I found myself watching as my inner eye drifted subtly deeper, entwining itself with the empty space in front of me as my gaze moved openly inside its infinite welcome. Darker and darker this central point became, its light refracting out into the deep reaches of the universe as I gratefully and unassumingly followed. The nature of this transformation has always been so deeply indescribable to me, a meld of ever evolving darkness and light that transcends every colour and descriptive form I could ever hazard to describe.
“Wake up chef! We’re all getting hungry!”
There was a loud crash as everything I knew disappeared and survival mode suddenly kicked in again. Without warning, my face became cold and wet as a shocking surge of chilly water bombarded into it, hauling my body out from its state of apparent universal equilibrium and plummeting my feet down into the watery darkness below, as my mind desperately tried to figure out what was happening to me. My arms flailed to keep me afloat, the water cascading off my head as my lungs froze for breath. Luckily, the chaos was only momentary and as feelings of safety began returning to my side, I watched as both my body and the surface of the water calmed, allowing my vision to return itself to the lake around me.
The smile was looking at me again of course, an even more mischievous smile to the last time, placed upon a gently bobbing head about a metre away. Its deep brown eyes shone wild with play and unregretful awareness. Behind it, I could make out two more bobbing heads, likewise smiling (albeit in a slightly more sympathetic way) at me across the water.
“You rat bag!” I bellowed as my shock echoed itself out across the lake’s surface. At the same time, I felt my arms raise themselves above the water as my legs automatically pushed themselves down with increased intensity, launching my fully willing body straight in the direction of the guilty bobbing head. Almost in slow motion, I could see my reflected self in the heads now rather helpless looking eyes, their mischievous shine having lost itself inside my unpredestined moment of vengeance as they fearfully observed my body flying towards them. Before the head knew what was happening, my arms placed themselves firmly upon the small shoulders that lay either side of it underneath the water, pushing them downwards ruthlessly as I likewise launched myself up into the air. Down the head went, totally powerless to its predicament as fresh inside my victorious will I mercilessly plunged my victim deep into the watery shadows, a loud and booming “Wohahahaha” vibrating itself out of me into every corner of the lake.
As I came falling back safely to the place I’d last been, I could see the head returning up to the surface, its wet and matted hair breaking through the water, its eyes closed and mouth wide open, gasping for breath.
“Told you I’d get you back for earlier!” I said unrepentantly the moment I knew my voice was within hearing range. “If you hadn’t had splashed me and reminded me of your cunning ways, maybe you’d have got away with it!”
“What?” said the head, shaking off large globules of water and pushing its sodden brown hair out of its eyes. “It wasn’t me … it was a huge pike! I saw it coming and was on my way to try and rescue you! I hope it gets you though now! Gees … you really think I’ve got it in for you today don’t you!”
“She’s right … I saw it too,” spoke Thea from behind. “It was the biggest pike I’ve ever seen! It came right up to the surface and with a mighty whip of its tail splashed you! I swear it had a smirk on its face while it did it too … hey Rowen?”
“Don’t bring me into it!” replied Rowen assuredly. “I didn’t see anything!”
“How very diplomatic of you honey.”
“It’s the truth! I was looking at a dragonfly that had landed on that Lilly pad over there. I heard what happened, but by the time I turned to look, it was too late!”
We all looked at the now empty Lilly pad.
“What?” defended Rowen. “It was there a second ago! You must’ve scared it away with all your noise!”
“Hmmmm,” ushered Thea suspiciously. “Well, either way you’ve missed out seeing something really special!”
“Yeah yeah!” I retorted, almost wanting to believe them as I imagined the giant smirking pike smacking water at me with its massive tail fin. “I believe you! Thousands wouldn’t!”
“I can’t believe the abuse you’re putting me through today for only wanting to come to your aid. It was the same in the garden earlier too,” sobbed Levah in an extremely sarcastic, but equally convincing manner.
“Oh stop your whining!” I said with identical sarcasm, pushing a large splash of water into her petulant face. “Oh my god … look guys, it’s that pesky pike again!”
“Crime!” screamed Levah, splashing me directly back with a large swoop of her arm.
Before I knew it, everybody was splashing each other. Even poor Rowen, who after being distracted again by the real life dragonfly that was now gliding serenely around him, was brought rather unwillingly into the mix by an almighty splash to the face from his partner. Within a few madcap and rather exhilarating seconds, the fight was over.
“Shall we go back and eat then?” I concluded light-heartedly, the moment the last splash had splashed itself. “Is that what the pike was trying to tell me?”
Being greeted by a rousing chorus of agreement, we all swam back to the jetty. I loved this little lake. About two hundred metres or so in diameter, it only took eight minutes (in the opposite direction from Auntie Withigas) to walk here from our back garden. It was an area I regularly frequented and found great joy in coming to for a moment’s reflection whenever I felt the need over the course of my day. Naturally, on warmer days like today, I’d always find space for a dip as well. It was a surprisingly warm and shallow lake by the areas standards, however, it was no less abundant with beauty and ever changing seasonal life. I’d often come down with the girls to fish from the jetty as well, a pastime that despite their young age, they seemed to have particularly endeared themselves to. If I was lucky, I’d occasionally spot a deer (or very rarely a Moose) come down to the water’s edge to take a drink, although the one time that the girls were with me, they got so excited by the presence of the beautiful beast that their twitters scared it off. The next time such an event occurred, they’d promised to do their best to remain as quiet as possible. Luckily for us, the area wasn’t known for being particularly popular with bears. We’d heard stories from time to time of them being in the vicinity, but never actually had we come across one with our own eyes. I guessed it was because these particular stretches of forest weren’t especially rife with berries and other non-meat related snacks that the bears liked to indulge in, making other areas a little further afield much more suitable for their habitation.
Still discussing the mysterious giant pike and its incredible splashing abilities, we all shifted ourselves back up onto the jetty, towel dried ourselves and with the still warm sun completing the job on our half-clad bodies, we began the short walk back to the house.
“What’s on the menu tonight then chef?” asked Rowen.
“Just a simple concoction mate … leaky chicken with veg and potatoes,” I replied.
“Sounds delicious,” said Thea.
“It is,” agreed Levah. “Tim’s got a real knack for making simple, but hearty meals.”
“Thanks!” I said, gratefully accepting all the praise that was coming my way. “I do try my best!”
“Do you like cooking?” asked Thea as I noticed the group begin to separate slightly, Levah and Rowen edging ahead to the mumbled beginning of their own mini conversation.
“Yeah … sure, definitely these days anyway,” I responded. “I never used to, but now … yeah, I’d say I enjoy it.”
“I guess I always saw it as something annoying that got in the way of me being able to relax or do something more interesting I suppose. Silly isn’t it really? The notion of always thinking there’s something more relaxing or interesting out there to do or experience.”
“Yeah right, I was exactly the same about it too … still am a bit if I’m honest. Rowen’s always reminding me to be more mindful when I’m cooking and try not to see it as merely a survival process. As silly as it sounds, he reckons that the food actually responds to how we work with and use it and I suppose I believe that too.”
“How do you mean?”
“I mean … if we’re all stressed out, wired or not paying attention to what we’re doing, then that’s exactly what we’re going to end up creating and putting into ourselves … a product of our stressed out, wired non-attention. Sounds tasty huh?”
“Delicious!” I agreed sarcastically, picturing the rather contorted and unsavoury image of a stressed out meal before me.
“On the other hand though,” continued Thea. “I reckon if we’re able to remain mindful, accepting and, if possible, loving towards the processes we’re undertaking, then the energy of what we’re doing is exactly what we’re going to receive back to us, especially if we’re choosing to eat the things our bodies intuitively want … whatever those things are.”
“I like that idea,” I nodded reflectively. “It doesn’t really hold any logic, but I can see how the creative intent of it all would work and I agree … I’d definitely prefer to create and eat something made with mindfulness and love than something made from stress and neglect.”
“It’s a lot easier to say than to do though buddy,” she voiced sincerely. I liked her no nonsense style.
“Too right! It’s like we can talk about the wisdom of it until we’re blue in the face, but it doesn’t make it any easier to remember and live it in our day-to-day lives.”
“I think it’s just important that we try our best and aren’t too hard on ourselves along the way.”
“Agreed. I guess that’s what I try to tell myself every time I forget anyway.”
“That’s not a bad thing,” she supported. “Remembering to honour our humanity and celebrate our acknowledgement of our mistakes is so important in my eyes. However, I really do think that mindfulness is the key to it all … you know what I mean?”
“Actually … yeah, of course you do! You’ve always struck me as an incredibly mindful person. Overly sensitive at times perhaps, but incredibly mindful nonetheless.”
“Thanks,” I acknowledged knowingly, feeling my oversensitivity try to trigger my ego into an oversensitive and defensive reaction. This person certainly wasn’t shy in saying how it was. “You’ve a good sense of people haven’t you?” I continued calmly.
“That’s why I only hang out with the best,” she smiled, reassuring my sensitivity in every way she could. “But seriously, Rowen’s always going on about what a mindful person you are! I guess in a way, you’re probably the one who helped us integrate its concept into our lives … he learnt from you and then I from him.”
“It’s cool isn’t it … learning from each other that is. I’ve learnt so many things from you guys too. I think it’s awesome that we can gleam so many creative sparks off each other.”
“Exactly! It’s like we’re always planting little seeds in one another and then allowing the other to choose whether that seed resonates with them enough for them to continue watering and nurturing it for themselves.”
“I like that metaphor,” I mused, grasping her intent clearly before me. “I’m happy that you guys chose to water and share one of my seeds though, if indeed it actually came from me. I’m pretty sure that the origins of many of our ideas and shifts in being come from places and sources way beyond our intellectual comprehension.”
“That’s a complete rabbit hole of an answer! Are you sure you want us to go down it?” I said light-heartedly, testing the waters of the conversation.
“Yeah, go on … try me! I loved Alice in Wonderland when I was a girl.”
“Okay then,” I breathed, sensing her creative permission and trying to create space inside myself to discernibly answer her question. “I suppose it comes down to inspiration … to inspiring thought and those ‘Aha’ moments that we’d all love to try and make more sense of, but never quite can.”
“Moments of inspired genius you mean?”
“Precisely! Surely these moments cannot be put down to conscious or unconscious conditioning or the creative power of the brain alone.”
“But if all ideas are not created or contained by the brain, then where do you think they come from?”
“That’s a good question,” I commended. “I can’t say I know for sure because I don’t discount the brain, however, I can’t help but get the feeling that the brain only acts as a filter of linearity designed to process and interpret the messages of creative inspiration we receive in a simpler way. I’m also beginning to believe more and more that the source of true inspiration originates from a much less fathomable and far more divine kind of place and connection.”
“Like a connection to a higher self you mean?”
“Exactly! If you wish to call it that.”
“What would you call it?”
“I haven’t really thought about it if I’m honest Thea … I still struggle with placing definitive labels on things of this nature. However, I suppose I really don’t think there’s a direct way to explain it all using words that everyone will get and understand.”
“Absolutely, I’ll second that,” she assured, surprisingly still very much in tune with my statements. “I think I get exactly what you mean. I don’t think that true and original inspiration comes directly from inside us either, not in the literal sense anyway. I mean, look at some of the great inventions of our time, or moreover, all inventions really. Where on earth do they come from?”
“It’s really mind boggling isn’t it?”
“I know! It’s like one minute the ideas don’t exist and then the next minute, bam, out of nothing they exist, allowing the brain to then try and bring them to form.”
I loved the simplicity of how she explained her point.
“Also,” she continued enthusiastically. “While we’re on this topic … have you ever noticed how so many of the great inventions of our time were, and still are, actually conceived by different people in completely different physical and intellectually unconnected places around the world?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Oh, look into it a bit if you can … it’s a really interesting puzzle to try and put together. Cutting a long story short here though, I’m beginning to see that although inventions are generally always credited to one origin, the inspiration behind them generally seems to be seeded to many individuals or groups around the world all at the same time. The reason most of us don’t see this is because it’s the ones who get across the finish line first with the best functioning physical product or formal explanation of that particular inspiration who get to taste the glory of discovery and historical recognition that their creation has unearthed. I find this fascinating because it’s not like the other inventors have tried to copy or replicate them, not at the start at least anyway. It’s like despite their often incredible variations in earthly circumstance, they’ve somehow managed to tune into and receive the exact same inspiration.”
I nodded. “That’s really interesting, I haven’t thought about that before … will be sure to look into it.”
“Do! Although, as I’m sure you know already it certainly doesn’t make the rabbit hole any easier to navigate. If anything, it probably makes it even more complex.”
“We wouldn’t have it any other way, would we?” I said knowingly, thoroughly stimulated and intrigued by this person’s informative sharings. “However, I’m coming to realise that all we need to do for now is learn how to balance and get ourselves out of the way in order to allow the information and inspiration that’s designed for us to filter in and work with us.”
“And even then, that’s easier said than done!”
“Tell me about it! It’s almost like sometimes I don’t want to get out of the way and allow what needs to be, just to be. Like I’m afraid of what I might unearth or have to go through if I do.”
“Brings us right back to the importance of mindfulness, doesn’t it?” smiled Thea consciously.
“I think it does.”
“Good circling there Timbo!”
“Couldn’t have done it without ya!”
“Couldn’t have done what?” came Levah’s unexpected voice into our conversation. I looked up to see her and Rowen waiting at the open gate to our garden ahead of us.
“Couldn’t have figured out how to catch that pesky pike,” I swerved, speeding up and wriggling myself into a trap like hug of Levah’s body.
“Nooooo … leave pikey alone,” she pushed me away playfully. “It was only a bit of water for crying out loud. He was only having a laugh!”
“I’ve wanted to make pike fish cakes for ages!” I continued teasing.
“Have you tried them before?” asked Rowen seriously.
“Yeah, they’re delicious with the right seasoning. Cece’s got a great recipe for them.”
“I’d like to try them one day,” he mused.
“Well, we can go out fishing sometime soon then mate,” I winked at him, poking Levah on the side of her left arm. “Tell pikey we’re coming to get him.”
“Aiiii,” she hollered, poking me back impishly. “Leave pikey alone alright, he’s not a bad guy. He just gets a bit awkward in social situations and acts out.”
“I know sweetie, I understand … however, for all his frailties, I’m sure he’ll still taste delicious!”
“You can dream all you want about eating him … pikey’s smarter than you … you don’t stand a hope in hell of catching him,” her eyes connected with mine, still burning with play.
“Game on,” I said peacefully, projecting her play back into her as our souls stood still and understood.
“There’s that dragonfly again!” said Rowen gleefully as a stunning shimmering purple dragonfly flew over our heads and landed on the top of the open gate inside of the garden. “I reckon she’s following us.”
“What makes you think it’s a she?” said Thea, shifting her stance to look at the dragonfly who was now sitting rather contently, looking back at us all in a manner suggesting deep intrigue to what we were all talking about. “Wow … what a stunning little creature though!”
“Because she’s following me around of course,” replied Rowen rather cockily, leaning in to kiss Thea softly as he crinkled his nose.
“Glass of wine anybody?” asked Levah, walking through the gate, as Thea almost telepathically began following her. Her question was quickly greeted with mumbles of positive reinforcement.
“Will hang back and study this dragonfly a moment,” I called after them. “Be in in a bit.”
“Okay, I’ll pour you a glass and put the stove on!”
I stayed still, Rowen beside me as we both gazed at the purple dragonfly, who, having remained motionless and unafraid of the girls as they ambled past it into the back garden, remained sitting on the top of the open gate staring kindly back at us; its crisp transparent wings flickering ever so subtly in the whisper like breeze. We remained silent, time stopping still again as my memory shifted back to our youth and how much time we used to spend in such observatory silence together in nature. It was great that we could still find moments like this to share, indeed these days, they’d seemed to have evolved themselves perfectly to correlate with the men we’d become.
“You alright there buddy?” I spoke softly into the silence, my eyes still transfixed on the dragonfly in a way that almost suggested I was addressing my question to it.
“Of course,” came Rowen’s voice, sounding equally as if it was emanating back to me from the dragonfly. “You know me … don’t wish to sound cocky, but I’m pretty much alright most of the time these days.”
“I sure do,” I agreed. “To be honest though mate, you’ve always been a pretty grounded and centred person, even when we were kids. It’s always been one of your gifts.”
“Thanks. I suppose you’re right, although I do find it can be a hindrance at times too.”
“In what way?”
“In the same way that too much of anything can be a hindrance. However, I’ve learnt in my life that I must use my gifts sparingly and treat them like I would a fine spice in a curry. That way they don’t ever get in a position where they can overpower who I am and I always leave myself open to embracing the possibility of the new.”
Not feeling the need to speak, I nodded heartily, almost convinced that the increasingly beautiful purple dragonfly was nodding back at me. Through my agreement, I could hear Levah and Thea giggling heartily by the back door.
“We’re so damn lucky with those two aren’t we?” said Rowen, hearing and feeling the same emotions as me. “They get along so well.”
“Like two peas in a pod,” I agreed, starting to feel overwhelmingly grateful for everything I had in my life. I always did when I found myself in such moments of reflective union with my oldest and closest male friend, especially these days. I never fought the honesty of my emotionality with Rowen, the moments of fragility and acceptance of being that we’d always seem to be able to create when we were alone together. Deep down, I suppose I always knew that experiencing such reflective and appreciative moments was one of the main reasons why we’d been placed with each other in this way, in this lifetime. Sometimes we spoke at great length about our journeys to now and sometimes we’d just sit in total silence, losing ourselves in the observant feelings of gratitude our environments were creating.
“I better go in and get cooking,” I remembered, reaching my left arm behind Rowen and patting him agreeably on the back as the dragonfly synchronistically flew away. “You coming inside?”
“What are you trying to say honey?” I ushered encouragingly to my partner through unobtrusive waftings of woody smoke. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rowen and Thea listening intently, their eyes alive and gently dancing with flame lit curiosity. I knew what Levah was trying to say because it was an idea I wholeheartedly stood by with her; I just wanted her to continue sharing it in her own words.
“I’m not sure really … it’s a hard one to bring down,” she replied hesitantly, almost apprehensive at what was stirring up inside of her.
“I think I know what you’re getting at,” spoke Rowen softly as everyone’s anticipation moved to meet his first syllable. He hadn’t spoken for some time now, instead having sat quietly listening in the background as the rest of us passionately meandered our way through the last few minutes of conversation. “I think you mean that the change we’re all discussing here, the change that all human beings are after, can and will only start becoming truly evident in our world when we start becoming consciously aware of the need to balance everything in our experience from within.”
“That’s exactly it!” agreed Levah elatedly, his familiar and reassuring words breathing new vitality into her apprehensive wings. I stayed silent, sensing that Rowen had triggered something powerful inside of her. “I think the change is about how we’re all becoming more mindful, compassionate and balanced as a collective specie towards our internal processes and how our balance of such inner processes has the power to reflect across the whole in a way that’ll ultimately manifest the collective peace and equality we all search for.”
“Absolutely,” supported Thea, as Rowen and I also muttered equal noises of resonant agreement. “I think we all support that idea.”
“Do you?” exclaimed Levah, now in confident and full flow. “It makes me so happy that you get what I’m saying. But do you also see that none of what we want is going to happen by simply willing and pushing it to be on the outside? To me, that’s just like taking a pill to cover up a symptom instead of digging deep, discovering and healing the root cause of the symptom itself. I think that we’ve forgotten that through our own free choices, we’re the ones who’ve created the present paradigm of the world we live in and that our world’s present state is but a reflection of our unbalanced inner consciousness. I think that until we start seeing that it’s our collective story in being human that creates the world, then nothing we try to do on the outside of ourselves will ever make a real or significant difference. We have to know and trust that it’s the conflicts, injustices, depressions, desires, addictions, deprivations, insecurities, contradictions and unbalanced natures inside of us that create all the conflicts, injustices, depressions, desires, addictions, deprivations, insecurities, contradictions and unbalanced environments, societies and relationships that the world still lives within. All of the fighting that’s still happening … all the physical and emotional suffering … all the pollution and environmental destruction … all our over consumerism and poverty … all the hatred, jealousy, bitter misunderstandings and mistrust we hold towards each other … I believe that all of it comes from the unobserved and unbalanced battles that are going on inside each and every one of us every day that we walk this earth. I know I’m stretching myself way outside of the box here and there’s perhaps no real evidence to back up what I’m saying, but I really feel this to be this way of it for us. That the change … the peaceful revolution if we want to call it that, is ready and waiting inside of us all and if enough of us can make the conscious choice to shift our perspective inside, then the paradigm shifting new ideas, inventions and ways of being will continue to be seeded and grown within us as our resistance to them will simultaneously drop away. Then and only then will the systems that don’t serve us anymore … both inside and out … begin to shift and drop away as well, ultimately changing our collective reality for the better. However, it all starts with us and it will happen through us, not by us.”
Becoming aware of the end of her stunningly beautiful rant and the silence it had invoked in the rest of us, she suddenly stopped, turning to look at me rather self-consciously in the eyes. I could see that despite the immense wisdom she’d just released, she’d suddenly began feeling human again, worrying that she’d possibly said too much and that her words had been misplaced or misjudged. She hadn’t and they had not. In my eyes, Rowen and Thea were ready for this avenue of conversation with us and so were we with them. Indeed, Rowen’s encouraging response to Levah’s initial hesitation was all the evidence I needed to hold this belief so.
I smiled lightly towards Levah, nodding reassuringly with her as I watched Rowen and Thea do the same. She began to smile ever so slightly too, allowing her worry to drift naturally away into the tranquillity that held us. I don’t think any of us really knew what to say next, nothing but a satisfied sense of knowingness laying itself inside us all. I knew that the conversation wasn’t quite over yet, our box of discovery was now well and truly open and as we sat in our quiet yet unresisting reflection, I could sense that we were all secretly wondering how much deeper we could take our collective perspective together.
“Looks like we’ve got another Mahatma Gandhi on our hands here!” said Thea, snapping us pleasantly out from our reflections. We could always rely on Thea to lighten the load and ready our conversations for their next step.
“You’re telling me Thea,” I laughed. “She gets smarter and more articulate by the minute this one. I can barely keep up!”
“Oh stop it you two!” said Levah bashfully, both accepting and shying away from our praise in equal measure.
“That’s bloody cool though,” said Rowen enthusiastically. “I’ve been thinking very much the same things recently.”
“It’s all rather complicated though isn’t it?” replied Levah. “I have to say that although I know I trust it, I do find the idea hard to get to grips with sometimes … especially with the world still as it is.”
“Sure,” said Thea. “But the evidence to remind us that it’s already happening is everywhere, if we’re open to seeing it.”
“You reckon?” quizzed Rowen.
“Absolutely! It’s just as you said though, we tend to have a habit of getting in the way of ourselves most of the time.”
“How do we help ourselves get out of the way then?” he continued.
“I’m not sure if we can right now,” replied Thea. “Not entirely anyway. I see it as a gentle evolving process that just has to take as long as it takes. What I feel is important now though, is that we don’t forget to honour how far we’ve come. That despite all the negative things that we still see in the world, we remember to seek out and honour the positive because there’s so much positivity in humanity and in my opinion it’s only gaining strength. It’s just the media tends not to report these things to the masses though, do they? They don’t tell us about the studies of individuals who meditate on compassion and physically alter the energetic frequencies of the environments around them. They don’t emphasise how the holistic, organic and sustainable health, food and energy movements are currently booming as more and more people are taking responsibility for their own health, emotional well-being and environmental balance … oh no … they still continuously condition our social realities by showing us how bad the world is. Through this, we automatically find ourselves feeling judgement and resistance to all the things that are still happening, which we don’t want, and we wonder why they’re still here!”
“That’s a smart observation,” I agreed. “But it’s been and will continue to be like this for many years … it’s not an overnight fix.”
“It’s great you see that,” continued Thea. “But not everybody does and for me, it’s perfectly understandable that they don’t. If I were to look at it all from the surface, I’d also probably be led to believe that nothing has changed and that the human race is still on the precipice of self-destruction. But that’s the thing though, isn’t it? That we … and I include myself in this … are so impatient to our creations that we want them all to happen to us right now. We don’t leave ourselves open to seeing the changes that are already happening under our very noses, and instead we become bogged down in the continued presence of the old energy that seeks to cloud our vision. It’s the same old story isn’t it? We’re in such a hurry to get there that we forget it’s about the journey, not the destination.”
“I think that’s definitely part of the present human condition to want everything now though,” I intervened meaningfully. “Be it happiness, love or peace on earth, it doesn’t matter what it is, we just want to see it now and if we can’t see it now, then we think we’ve failed and start deconstructing our creations before they’ve even had a chance to start emerging into being. It’s funny really, isn’t it? We should know by our very nature that everything substantial in life takes time to create and balance itself into existence.”
“Funny and frustrating,” added Levah. “Why can’t we just be patient and open ourselves to seeing the changes as they are now? Despite all the bad things that are still happening, we must know that we’ve accomplished so much in so little time … I think we should be proud of how far we’ve come and what a better place the world is as a result. Contrary to popular belief, I also reckon that as a specie, we’re the most balanced we’ve ever been! We just need to shift our focus and take a deep look both within and without ourselves in order to see it to be so. Deep down, we all know the old paradigm is fading fast, but we must remember that we’re still going to see its unbalanced darkness in existence as it fades, and this is going to be in exaggerated ways because it isn’t just going to roll over and come into balance with us as it wants our attention! It wants us to lose ourselves to it again to help create its survival. That’s why it’s still here in our faces tempting us.”
“It’s hard not to be tempted back in to all the drama of it though, isn’t it?” came Rowen, in his omnipresently easy and unfazed manner. “I often still hear the news and think ‘oh for god’s sake, why’s this all still happening? Isn’t it about time it all went away now?’ But I also think you’ve all hit the nail on the head in regards to it being about how the reality we see comes from our internal focus. That ultimately if we’re all unaware and unbalanced inside ourselves and focussing upon all the ‘bad’ things and lack of balance and peace we see in the world, then it’s inevitable that we’ll continue to see and create more ‘bad’ things and believe that we’re not evolving for the better. I don’t think I’m saying that we all need to put our heads in the sand to all the darkness we see and experience, rather I think I’m suggesting that it’s time we retrain ourselves to start accepting all that we are and see for being exactly what it is … just a normal part of a here and now that we’ve created! I also think it’s vital we welcome this challenge of ours with as wider arms as possible and, as you said Levah, realise that it’s not something that can be achieved by us, but through us. I reckon this shift of perception is gonna move really, really slowly, edging forward soul by soul until we reach a point where our new individual ways of being are ready to start reflecting out into and rearranging the whole in a way where we can not only continue to believe, but also start to see that they are so. I can’t help but get the feeling that all we need do in the meantime to help facilitate and give strength to this collective shift, is just to make the commitment to finding our own unique ways of balancing ourselves with our bodies, minds, environments and communities inside of our own individual perception shifts. Then over time, I’m certain that we’ll watch as our new ways of being slowly become the norm, creating the balanced and peaceful selves and realities we all desire so much. What you resist persists after all, hey Tim?” he concluded, winking at me.
“Oh, don’t get him started on what you resist persists,” said Levah playfully. “You’ll never hear the end of it!”
“What? I wasn’t going to say a word,” I defended. “I couldn’t possibly after Rowen put it so beautifully.”
“Yeah, but you know that you want to, don’t you?”
“Maybe … but I think you’ve all heard what I have to say on the subject before. I like how you added that one in there though mate. See, what did I tell ya? It can be applied to everything!”
“Apply it to the meaning of life then,” teased Levah.
“That’s obvious, what you resist persists,” I answered quickly. “Think about it.”
“I’m not sure I want to,” she giggled. “I think I’ve gone far enough down this rabbit hole for now.”
“Play nicely you two,” interrupted Thea, her and Rowen both smiling bemusedly at our arising banter.
“She started it!”
“And I’ll end it too,” said Levah smugly.
“Do your best then, smart arse.”
“Go on then.”
There was slight pause as Levah started to giggle as she spoke. “Do you know what though? I’ve actually completely forgotten what we were arguing about.”
“You were just telling Rowen and Thea how marvellous I am.”
“I pretty sure it wasn’t that. Why would I lie to them? I reckon you’re telling porkies yourself there Mr! I hope you’re not teaching these bad habits to the girls when I’m away.”
“You’ll have to watch them closely,” I countered smoothly, her last sentence reminding me of something. “Oh my god the girls … we haven’t called them yet!”
“Oh yeah … oops!” exclaimed Levah, putting her hands over her mouth in light-hearted guilt. “I completely forgot about that too! What’s the time?”
“Eight thirty seven,” ushered Rowen, glancing up from his watch.
“That’s lucky,” I said to standing, as Levah did the same. “Hopefully they’ll still be up. Excuse us a few minutes guys, shirked parental duties calling.”
“Are they alright?” came Rowen’s voice from the flickering shadows as we returned to the fire area.
“Yeah, they’re good as gold,” I replied. “Apparently they’ve just created a den which they’re about to sleep in.”
“Not before Cece tells them a special bedtime story though,” echoed in Levah from behind me.
“Oh I’d love to hear one of Cece’s stories,” said Thea. “I reckon they’d be epic.”
“Well, she said we’re welcome to join them if we like.”
“Oh don’t tempt me. Can you imagine us all crammed into the girls den? That would be quite the sight! I bet you’d start giggling and disrupt the story though,” she pointed accusingly at Rowen.
“Who me?” half defended Rowen, the octaves of his first two words squeaking in surprise defence. “I’d be the pillar of respect and attention, thank you very much missy. I always was when I was a youngster anyway.”
“So you keep telling me! However, I’m sorry to say that I still don’t believe a word you say!”
“He was actually,” I pitched in playfully, coming heroically to my best friends defence. “He was a right goodie two shoes back then. A cool guy, but a right goodie two shoes nonetheless.”
“Is that so,” said Thea pensively, unsure whether to trust me or not. “Oh, I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you were young to see if that’s true!”
“Pay no attention to him,” said Levah, joining Thea’s side and looking rather smugly at me. “According to Tim’s mother, these two were far from being goodie two shoes in their younger days. Apparently they were a right little pair of progressive and unconventional teenagers.”
“It depends on what you mean by progressive and unconventional,” I stated proudly.
“She said that no matter how hard everyone and everything tried to make you do otherwise, you always seemed to find a way to do your own thing. That you never exactly fitted the mould of being a ‘normal’ school child.”
“I’ll drink to not being normal!” said Rowen heroically, raising his glass in my direction. “What was it we used to say in school Tim? ‘No one is normal, everyone is insane, so therefore if everyone is insane, then insanity must be the norm and so what the hell is normal!”
“Yeah … nice, I can’t believe you remember that!” I commended, joining his celebration. “We thought it was so wise at the time.”
“It still is, we-“
“Easy there boys,” teased Thea, interrupting our meander. “Don’t go getting too carried away with yourselves. I don’t think you were as cool or hip as you’re pretending to be. Bird spotting wasn’t it?”
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,” sounded Rowen indignantly. “Bird spotting was well cool! At least it was at our school anyway!”
“Absolutely,” I agreed. “Our school was famous for it. All the countries best progressive and unconventional bird spotters went there. The better you were at spotting, the cooler you were regarded to be.”
“I don’t know,” said Thea. “Sounds like a healthy case of nonsense to me. But then again, this is England we’re talking about isn’t it, so it wouldn’t surprise me at all. You know, the land of ‘funny accents and quirky eccentricities’,” she changed her voice at the end of her sentence into her ever amusing posh English impersonation.
Levah started laughing. She always found Thea’s impersonations of us so hysterically funny. We all did to be honest; they were extremely well executed and only ever delivered in a playful and loving manner, or so I believed.
“Does anyone want anything from inside?” I echoed through the group’s play. “Drinks or food? We’ve got a secret bottle of wine squirrelled away if anyone fancies another glass.”
“No thanks,” said Rowen. “I’ve think I’ve had my fill. Would love a cup of tea if there’s one going though?”
“Me too,” said Levah.
“Me three,” said Thea.
“Are we going to have a tea party now then?” I quizzed.
“Well you know us sweetie … teas our thing,” said the still very English Thea to everyone’s continued amusement.
“What kind do you all want?” I replied, trying to remain half serious. “You know the size of our tea hoard.”
“Why don’t you surprise us,” said Rowen.
“Yeah,” agreed Thea, reverting back to her real voice. “Let’s find out how well you really know us!”
“No pressure then,” I said sarcastically.
“Not at all,” reassured Thea. “Just large doses of judgement and lashings of condemnation if you get it wrong. How’s that for a deal?”
“I’ll take it,” I agreed.
“Brave man,” nodded Thea.
“Do you need a hand?” asked Levah sweetly.
“No … it won’t take long and I can use the tea tray to bring all the cups out here in one.”
“Oh, you love the romance of that image don’t you,” she teased, sitting herself back down by the fire. “You’ve wanted to use that tea tray for ages!”
“I sure do,” I agreed, turning and walking away from the group. “It’s another dream come true.”
I know that I’ve said this already, but God I loved Rowen and Thea’s company so very, very much. For sure, if I didn’t know it before, I certainly knew it now. In my eyes, our relationship with them had it all: depth, fun, banter, light-heartedness, understanding, honour; everything I looked for in a friendship and more. Most prevalent of all though, was the way we seemed to mutually respect and accept each other for who we were in the time we shared.
The united knowingness of our rather heavy conversation prior to our calling of the girls was testament to this. What’s more, it had also deepened my trust in believing a concept of being I’d been introducing myself to (and discovering simultaneously with Levah) for quite some time. As I walked towards the back door, I could feel the conversation’s conceptual wisdom back fresh in my mind, reminding me of my growing belief that inside every human being, there dwells an ever present sense that understands how the collective human experience (the world, societies and relationships we all know, love, battle, talk and worry ourselves incessantly about) is, in its essence, a direct reflection of the inner dynamics and relationships we have inside our own personal realities. That in order for us to ultimately see the world in balance and harmony, we must first go within and seek to balance and harmonise ourselves.
If I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been able to fully communicate this concept with anyone really, not to the fullness and clarity I feel I can inside of this memory anyway. I think this is because I see concepts as being incredibly abstract in their nature, part of an innate wisdom that can only be collectively seen inside of the mindful eye before they’re filtered into reality through our individual uses of formal language and word based interpretation.
This is important for me to remember because no matter how much I wish to the contrary, deep down I know that no two human perceptions can ever be the same because of the unique manner of everything that makes up our linear lives. All the conscious and unconscious socio-environmental conditionings we’ve been raised with, all the psychological, emotional and spiritual belief systems we’ve created to define ourselves, all the fostered, cultural, logical, professional and gender based filters we use to interpret our reality; every single one of these influences is a factor that comes heavily into play when we interpret the concepts and ways of being we sense around us as form.
At the core of themselves, words are essentially forms of linear vibration, human labels of conceptuality that we’ve created to place our beliefs, opinions, emotions and wishes of personal intent inside of in order to establish a greater sense of understanding and purpose with the world around us. They’re without doubt the most prominent and influential tools of linearity we have at our disposal, existing almost everywhere as they illuminate, define and corporealise how we relate to, make sense of and perceive our realities. They’re the foundations of almost all the connections we know, serving to deepen our relationships and trust in one another as they nourish our curiosities, formalise our musings and emotions and push forward our boundaries of belief into unknown and exciting new territories. They’re also an integral part of whom and what we are as a specie and their magical presence to influence and evolve our experiences should always be honoured.
Despite the connections that our words allow us to create with the world and each other, we must also remember that they’re only linear expressions of a far deeper conceptual knowledge which transcends language and form as we know it. Words cannot and will never ever be able to define the ultimate truths of existence that so many of us search and hope for them to do because that’s not and has never been their purpose. Words are catalysts, tones of resonance that group together to help us linearize the deeper concepts of innate wisdom and knowingness that our lives present us.
Herein lays our challenge then, the challenge that invites us to open ourselves up to the realisation that although most of us hold the ability to find individual resonance with and formal explanation of almost all conceptual wisdom that’s available to us, that often when we try to convey our perceptions linearly to one another, there can be massive variances in our interpretations. As a result, we can end up describing and refining what we perceive in such completely different ways that at times we may see absolutely no linear agreement in what we’re talking about at all, even if conceptually we’re reading off the exact same page! This is called semantics, the study of meaning.
Take science for example. It’s my belief that science and its scientist channels know so much more than most of the population of the earth believe them to know. It’s just science must place its conceptual discoveries into a form that generally only science or those of a scientific disposition linearly understand. It takes time for scientific concepts to filter through into broader reality; for its discoveries to be revised, supported and accepted into a form and language that the broader spectrum can begin processing in their consciousness’ and interpreting as their own. This is why I think there’s always so much disagreement and counter theory in science because there are so many different filters involved in interpreting the concepts and presenting them as truth. Scientists who disagree with each other may (although not always) be on the absolute same page in regards to their conceptual intent and how they innately view the concepts they’re working with. However, more often than not, the human need for uniformed linearity creates confusion as to who’s right and who’s wrong and the conceptual togetherness is all but forgotten, creating the illusion of separation.
I think this idea of semantic created separateness can be applied across the entire human experience and its relationship to words and form, even on sciences opposite (but not so dissimilar) hand of religion and structured spirituality. In its essence, religion and structured spirituality could be described as a contrasting set of deep routed personal constructs consisting of morals, faiths and ways of being that are based upon beliefs, teachings and ideals passed down through the ages by the use of words, story and ritual practice. Holding this definition in context then, would it be unreasonable for one to assume (due to the multitude of environments and human filters that religion and structured spirituality have come through over the ages), that they may all have originated from the same concept? That at their core, they perhaps all started out by trying to linearize the same thing and just got lost in form somewhere along the way?
This is all perhaps hard to believe I know, indeed, some of the systems of belief on the earth today are so different from each other that on their surface they can seem barely comparable, let alone be considered the same. Nevertheless, it remains my view that it’s this form based perception that’s created all the separation we see in the world and not only in the realms of science and religion, but in almost all aspects of being human. Whatever the idea or ideal, it seems that somewhere along the line we’re always disagreeing over and offering up opinions upon who holds the correct truths and insight about it, as well as who knows the right and wrong ways to go about practicing and formalising its wisdom in their lives. For me, escalation of this confusion of form in search of one unified truth and the illusion of separation it creates, is without doubt the source of almost all the conflicts that exist on the planet today and the reason why we find embracing the true meaning of conceptual togetherness so difficult. To move through this then, we need to begin honouring the realisation that there cannot ever be one unified truth when it comes to how we express ourselves through the use of words, language and form. That there can only ever be our unique interpretations of the concepts we see based upon the billions of human filters we contextualise them within and our ability to find unity with one another in the concepts that sit behind them.
This is why I feel it’s so important for people to talk around things by seeking to consciously connect to the conceptual middle as far and as deep as that middle is willing to go. By allowing ourselves to be open to making such connections with whichever source we’re exploring with (be it person, book, belief system or environment), we ultimately put our personal semantics to the side and open ourselves up to the possibility of compassionately seeing through the other entities eyes and really embracing the concept of the moment we’re trying to share and conceive with them, regardless of how similar or different our perspectives and expressions of meaning are.
I believe our test here is to start shifting our sight beyond the linearities of explanation we hold inside ourselves (no matter how true they feel for us) and out towards sensing the conceptual wisdom that connects us behind our use of words, language and form. If we can find a way to do this, then we put ourselves in a position to truly start connecting to everything and everyone around us based upon the mutual respect of exploring what we share in being human, not upon the egotistical hierarchy of who knows best.
Opening to this idea myself, I now try my best to look at the world differently and remember that within the myriad of creative expressions I see, that there’s no correct way for people to go about understanding and formalising their experiences and faith because (behind all the different linear representations of truth that exist) we’re all conceptually one and the same. The same beautiful expressions of being human placed through billions of uniquely evolving human filters, all innately seeking to create a collective understanding of life. Consequently, I now hold the belief that whichever way an individual chooses to believe (so long as they’re not at risk of hurting themselves or others in the process) is truth for them and I would never challenge them otherwise. Instead, I choose to honour their choices and in turn, seek to find and ultimately celebrate the similarities our expressions hold, no matter how big or how small those similarities are.
Intellectually, I know that we may never find ourselves understanding, processing or even resonating with how other human beings express and formalise their realities in the world. However, if behind all our judgements we can still find a way to celebrate our togetherness in being human by opening our perspectives up to seeing the concepts of being we share, not the form they’re filtered through, then we’re taking a huge step towards creating balance and peace in the world. We’re not here to debate and separate ourselves with the differences we see in experiential form. We’re here to share, create and evolve the human experience, and deeply inside ourselves (beyond all logic and reason I might add) I think we all know that. Whichever way anyone seeks to find the truth of themselves is always okay for them if it comes from a benevolent viewpoint that’s accepting and compassionate to all that is. No exceptions. This is the future of us, if we choose it to be.
Keeping all this in mind then, I wish to now make a conceptually layered statement I believe introduces what I want to talk about perfectly; my intention being that we can then dig deeper into and then talk around it together. Here goes:
“For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves.”
If you’re one of the few who descended into a blur of conceptual knowingness and stared blankly into the fuzzy abyss after reading that statement, then please stop reading this tale of mine. Trust yourself here and go out and see the statements conceptual wisdom manifest itself for you in your reality because you really don’t need to be with my words any longer (unless of course you really want to). If like the rest of us though (including myself) you thought: “Hmmmm, that’s an interesting statement to make Tim, but what do you mean by it?” then wonderful, I welcome your intrigue and permission to talk around it some more. As is such, I’d like to begin intertwining the rest of this evening’s tale with envisioning the first five ideas of finding a balanced and peaceful perspective that open up to me when I see the conceptual statement:
“For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves.”
This isn’t the five of old I must add. Not the destructive emotional behaviours of ego and its family of fear, anger, judgement and reaction that we’ve brought to light together in days gone by. No. This is a new five that over time I’ve chosen to replace them at the forefront of my awareness, my intent being to remember, honour and evolve them inside my life every moment that I can. They’re a five that once ignited into recognition allowed their own conceptual wisdom to slowly begin glowing and expanding itself inside my reality for the rest of my life, as I in turn sought to accept and compassionately get out of their way. Rather fittingly, this is precisely where we begin.
Idea One: Acceptance and compassion for all that is
First and foremost, acceptance and compassion are just words. Form based linearity used to create and present deeper concepts of being through the use of the English language.
If challenged to do so, I’d define acceptance as being “a person’s embrace of a process or condition of reality they’re in without attempting to change it.” In turn, I’d define compassion as being “a benevolent state of consciousness that brings deep acceptance and love into a situation.” These definitions are however, just personal interpretations that I’ve created right here and now to best conceptually represent the ideas I’m presenting. They’re not and will never be the final definitions of what the words of acceptance and compassion ultimately are. Look these words up for yourself and you’ll discover that there are so many ways of defining and interpreting them, especially the word compassion. You may have your own definitions too, as will your friends and family and although you may find resonance with some, none or even all of them, it’s more than likely that you’ll notice that the words you see used for these interpretations will vary tremendously. What’s more, all interpretations of the actual words ‘acceptance’ and ‘compassion’ can only be found in the English language and don’t take into consideration the hundreds of other vibratory expressions there are in other languages to express their conceptual meaning. In certain languages, there aren’t even direct translations (especially with the word compassion again) because the words concept has either channelled into form in another way that simply doesn’t translate, or does not yet exist in linearity within that particular language or culture. Without wishing to dive too deeply back into semantics again, I must say that this shows me how much variance in form and interpretation of such form can open up from two such small words. It’s incredibly mind boggling if one thinks about it too deeply, so we won’t. Instead, we’ll just try to keep this all in mind as we move on with understanding the idea of creating ‘acceptance and compassion for all that is’.
It’s easy to say, isn’t it? That one should be accepting and compassionate to all that is? I think deep inside ourselves (beyond all our judgements and conditioned responses), we all innately know that being this way should form an integral part of who we are, indeed the vast majority of us alive are already very accepting and compassionate people in our own individual ways. What I feel we’ve forgotten is how we go about placing hierarchy over what we’re willing to give our acceptance and compassion to. That the same vast majority of us who are innately accepting and compassionate people, tend to only be accepting and compassionate when that which we perceive worthy of our acceptance and compassion fits into the mould of our preconditioned perceptions of morality and our beliefs and assessments of positive and negative, good and bad and right and wrong in our lives.
True acceptance and compassion doesn’t and cannot place itself within such hierarchy. True acceptance and compassion doesn’t and cannot judge the human experience based upon individual or collective belief. True acceptance and compassion only knows, trusts and loves all that is in the realised world, for being precisely what it is inside of the present moment. This is a hard concept to bring into oneself, because to become an accepting and compassionate individual (not only to everything we know as life, but also to everything we know as us) without hierarchy, is by no means an easy feat. However, it’s a challenge of openness we all face and one I believe sits at the heart of creating balance and peace in ourselves and our world.
I know what you may be thinking here … how on earth can I be expected to find acceptance and compassion for all the darkness I still see in the world? All of the unkind, destructive, disturbing and sometimes downright evil forms of fear filled creative expression I’ve seen and still see present in all corners of reality. This, my friend, is a perfectly natural response and if you feel it, know that I felt it too and, in a way, I still feel it! I found it so hard to comprehend how I could and why I should create such an understanding for such dark darkness, indeed, I pondered for a really long time as to why I would even wish to consider it as a way of being in my life, let alone actually try to be it.
After time and patience though, I slowly began to see and believe not in the understanding of it all, but in the process of being it all, realising that (like everything else in my co-creative life) it’s ultimately down to me to recreate that which I do not wish to see by taking away my fear of it. Remember, fear funds fear and fear funds darkness; it’s the only thing that funds it. By being fearful to the darkness we’re presented with, we feed it with our energy and creative intent and ultimately, we preserve and enhance its presence in our reality, keeping that which we perceive as unkind, destructive, disturbing or even evil prevalent and unbalanced in ourselves and our world.
Fear is a form of resistance and as we fundamentally know already, when it comes to the darkness ‘what you resist persists’. This doesn’t mean we must compassionately accept darkness’s ways in our lives as it is now without humane justice. Oh no, I absolutely believe that darkness which causes harm must still be dealt with down the appropriate channels of human understanding. More so, I believe that instead of condemning those who form part of darkness’s way in the world, we should try to compassionately accept and understand them and their actions from the bigger perspective, whilst we go about safeguarding society in a balanced way. This way, we’re able to open ourselves up to realising that at the heart of darkness’s doing (beyond any conscious or intellectual sense) that it’s here to help evolve the whole by creating greater acceptance and compassion in us all. After all, the concepts of acceptance and compassion wouldn’t even be able to exist if the actions of darkness weren’t here to help us guide their light into existence. Remember, we cannot define light without darkness.
This isn’t an easy process to go through, but it’s by no means impossible. Just look at how we greet light (all the things we perceive as good) in our lives. If we’re open with ourselves, we’ll probably see that we give our acceptance and compassion to all the good we see in the world automatically. It’s an almost natural response where we simply love and appreciate it for what it is and gratefully allow it to be, often in ways that, most of the time, we don’t even know we’re doing it. This is balance, a way of being where we compassionately accept and allow what is to be to simply be, without resistance towards it. Acceptance and compassion are a far more powerful co-creative tool than resistance can ever be. Resistance serves only the darkness, whereas acceptance and compassion serve only the light. Thus, when we’re fearfully resisting that which we do not want to be, we’re ultimately serving the darkness and creating a continued persistence and materialisation of that which we do not want to be. On the other hand, if we’re able to create acceptance and compassion towards the exact same processes, what we’re doing is shining light into them, neither resisting nor welcoming them and through this illumination, we bring that which we do not want to be out of the darkness and into balanced being, and if this balanced being means that that which we do not want to be must therefore cease to exist, then it will cease to exist.
With the concept of acceptance and compassion to all that is by our sides, we can begin to challenge the darkness of reality in an alternative way, one which it is powerless to fight against. This new way however, will never reach its fullest potential unless we can take the acceptance and compassion we give to all that is in the world and those around us and then place it inside balancing our perspectives of everything that is inside of us as well. Embracing all that we are on the inside is perhaps the scariest part of all, but it’s also imperative to creating balance. For how can we find acceptance and compassion for all that is if we can’t find acceptance and compassion for all that is us?
I think we’re afraid; at least that’s my assessment of myself anyway. We’re afraid to be kind to ourselves and to put ourselves first for the risk of being branded selfish. We’re afraid that we will never live up to the lofty life expectations that we set ourselves and likewise what we believe others (be it people or society) expect of us. We’re afraid to be different for risk of being judged or persecuted for our perceptions and ways of being. As is such, we’re constantly our biggest critics, ever knocking ourselves down and pushing ourselves forward in search of a perception of perfection that we’ll never quite reach (be it materialistically, physically, emotionally or spiritually) and as a result of this, so many of us have such low self-esteem, self-worth and self-love because we’ve never been told that we’re perfect just the way we are. We need to fall in love with ourselves by compassionately accepting all that we are as the perfect expression of being it is in the now, no matter how that now (be it materialistically, physically, emotionally or spiritually) presents itself to us and the world. It’s okay not to be the perfection you perceive that your mind and world wishes you to be! It’s okay to make mistakes! It’s okay to forget! It’s okay to be you! It’s time to fall in love with yourself by holding acceptance and compassion for all that you are. All of your gifts and your frailties, your successes and your losses and your ups and your downs, love them all unconditionally because you really don’t have to be anything more than who you are. The only thing that’s asked of you in this life and this body is to embrace the peaceful benevolence that acceptance and compassion for all that is brings into being through your life. That’s your ultimate material, physical, emotional and spiritual goal; everything else is just a co-creative bonus.
An accepting and compassionate perception helps create balance and peace inside of people, and balanced and peaceful people quickly realise that they don’t want to judge, condemn, hurt or kill themselves or each other anymore. Subsequently, balanced and peaceful people will create a balanced and peaceful planet, a place where everyone accepts each other for who they are and what they believe through hearts that understand our collective bigger picture in being human. We don’t all have to be friends or see eye to eye at all times, indeed, I believe this would actually defeat the point of creative expression. We just have to compassionately accept our billion different truths and creative expressions for what they are, namely, our billion different truths and creative expressions, the ultimate reason why we’re here. Then we will fight no more. Then we will cease to resist each other and instead join together for the greater good of our specie and our evolving consciousness upon a resplendent and equal planet that compassionately accepts all for what it is and will potentially be. Acceptance and compassion is where we find our match of balance. All we need do is strike it.
I wonder if Milly and Alara are asleep yet?
I stood waiting for the kettle to boil, feeling the warm rippling water rolling off my hands as I washed up the dishes from the evening’s feast. I’d already chosen the teabags for the others (a different blend for each person), which now sat in their respective mugs waiting to be infused. Mine was the easiest to choose because mint tea never let me down. Levah’s choice was pretty easy too, being that at this time of the night, she’d almost without fail drink a herbal blend called ‘evening calm’. For Rowen and Thea though, things were far less clear cut and after a small period of deliberation, I’d decided on a lemon and elderflower green tea for Rowen and a blueberry rooibos for Thea. It would be interesting to see if my inklings regarding their tastes were correct.
I found my awareness drifting to the softly playing radio in the background and the more I concentrated on it, the louder it became, allowing the conclusion of a song I didn’t recognise to start infiltrating my ears. My awareness tuned in deeper, awaiting the broadcasters next step.
“Next up, we have a great new band from Hawaii called: ‘Nahko and Medicine for the People’ with the song ‘Aloha Ke Akua’ … Enjoy.”
I couldn’t believe it! I loved this band! They’d been Levah and mine’s musical medicine for quite some time now and it was awesome that they we’re getting some airtime because I’d never heard them on the radio before. In my eyes, the more people who heard them the better. I knew the song too, its gentle resonant back and forth piano introduction sparking tingles of familiarity into my being. The lyrics were coming. Sing whilst washing up? Why on earth not!
“Lend your ears, lend your hands.
Lend your movement, anything you can.
Come to teach, come to be taught.
Come in the likeness in the image of God.
Cause, you can be like that.
With all that humbleness, and all that respect.
All of the power invested in me,
be it hard to love my enemies.
All of the black bags over the heads of the dead and dying.
The more I understand about the human race,
the less I comprehend about our purpose and place
and maybe if there was a clearer line
then curiosity would satisfy.
Time based prophecies that kept me from living,
in the moment I am struggling
to trust the divinity of all the guides
and what the hell they have planned for us.
I cry for the creatures who get left behind
but everything will change in a blink of an eye
and if you wish to survive,
you will find the guide inside.
I go back and forth every single day,
the clarity that comes to me in a choppy way,
as the feelings and the places
and the seasons change,
the galaxies remain.
Energy fields cone the body in space.
The angels that are coming from a spiritual waste.
The hate that gets me distant from my spiritual pace.
Tenfold the manna when the planets are in place, in polar alignment.
We’re on assignment.
Bodies on consignment.
Return them to the circus.
And what is the purpose?
What is the purpose and would you believe it?
Would you believe it
if you knew what you were for
and how you became so informed?
Bodies of info, performing such miracles.
I am a miracle made up of particles
and in this existence,
I’ll stay persistent,
and I’ll make a difference
and I will have lived it.
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.
Each day that I wake,
I will praise, I will praise.
Each day that I wake,
I give thanks, I give thanks.
Each day that I wake,
I will praise, I will praise.
Each day that I wake,
I give thanks, I give thanks.
And the day that I don’t wake up
and transcend the holy make-up,
I am capable, I am powerful.
And the day that I don’t wake up
and transcend the holy makeup,
I am on my way to a different place….
I’m not a leader, just a creature,
seeking the features of a teacher.
Whether you follow or whether you lead
All mysterious ways of nature and I’m into it.
And there are various ways to conquer this monotonous metropolis,
my stubbornness is bottomless,
my fearlessness is talking shit
and I’m wide awake and I’m taking names.
Do you speak to me like you speak to God?
All of the love and understanding between the father and the son?
Do you believe in the perfectness of where you are?
These are my people, these are my children,
this is the land that I would fight for.
My solidarity is telling me to patiently
be moving the musical medicine around the planet in a hurry.
Cos there’s no time to waste.
Got to wake up the people, time to stand up and say,
we know what we are for
and how we became so informed.
Bodies of info, performing such miracles.
I am a miracle, made up of particles
and in this existence,
I’ll stay persistent
and I’ll make a difference
and I will have lived it. ……..
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.
Each day that I wake,
I will praise, I will praise.
Each day that I wake,
I give thanks, I give thanks.
Each day that I wake,
I will praise, I will praise.
Each day that I wake,
I give thanks, I give thanks.
And the day that I don’t wake up
and transcend the holy make-up,
I am capable, Hmmm that’s right,
I am powerful.
And the day that I don’t wake up and transcend the holy make-up,
I am on my way to a different place!
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.
Aloha, Aloha Ke Akua, Ke Akua,
Aloha, Aloha, Kuleana, Kuleana.”
Wonderful song! The broadcaster now back on the air, I felt my awareness shifting from the radio over to the kettle as it began bubbling and screeching its way towards its boiling conclusion. Remembering that I’d soon be required to make the tea, I mindfully turned my full attention back towards finishing the last couple of pots before me. There was no rush, I’d let the kettle click to and settle for a few minutes first.
As Thea had so kindly observed earlier, such acts of mindfulness were something that I openly strived to create in my life. Indeed, above all other rituals of stillness, observation, creativity and gratitude I know, being mindful and present to my experience is by far the most beneficial and resonant practice I do. This is because for me, it embodies everything I feel I need to be to help me quieten down and detach from my ego, whilst at the same time continuing to intuitively interact, observe and be grateful for my created life.
I’m really not sure how I can best describe my perception of mindfulness to you. It’s tough because as we’ve recently discussed, our individual perceptions of such concepts vary so tremendously and in practice, these variances can only increase. Personally though, I see mindfulness as being a benevolent meld between one’s ability to hold self-awareness of the egoic mind, together with one’s ability to find full acceptance and compassion for all that one creatively experiences inside of the present moment.
For me, mindfulness resides within the peaceful core of the observing inner eye, a part of me that’s forever looking out to experience reality inside every situation it’s in without the desire to be anywhere else, or become emotionally lost or entangled within it. The emotions can of course be engaged with and lived if one wishes, however inside the sanctity of the mindful eye, I believe there lays a wisdom that remembers how such lived ‘emotions’ are only really temporary ‘energies in motion’, energies that we all have the choice to detach and disengage ourselves from (or not) through our own free will.
If I’m honest, I know I’ve personally only scratched the surface of discovering mindfulness’s power in my day-to-day life. However, despite this knowledge, I do feel that I’m in a position to say that I see its purpose and relevance clearly now. I get its place in my life and this recognition has helped me in untold ways along my journey to becoming more mindful in my life. Not only mindful to myself and my experience, but also towards the multitude of environments I’m blessed to journey within and perhaps most importantly of all, to the energies and emotions of others.
It’s funny that I think of this now because in regards to practising mindfulness, I’ll always hold special affinity to the action of washing up because washing up was the first activity I consciously decided to practice it within. At the beginning of my mindfulness journey I found it easiest to start applying it to the more ‘routine’ and ‘unemotional’ activities that I almost robotically did and often lusted myself through in search of more fulfilling and desirable physical gratifications. Practising this way helped me remember that everything I experienced (no matter how it presented itself to me inside my mind’s experiential hierarchy) was and always would be exactly what it was and was always something worth openly appreciating and being with, with the wholeness of my heart.
Creating mindfulness in these areas of my life first, opened me up to applying its wisdom in the other far less frequent, but much more emotionally, intellectually and spiritually deeper experiences that my life presents me with and after much trial, error, time and practice, I’m finally beginning to see that being able to mindfully love and honour all that I am and have chosen to be inside of every moment I can, is the only way I really want to be in my life. That ultimately, being mindful helps me create balance and peace within me, a balance and peace that serves not only the bigger picture of my reality, but somehow rather wonderfully, the bigger picture of the whole as well.
In essence, it doesn’t matter what the experience is that one chooses to be mindful to, it just matters that one creates the opportunities to be mindful within them. One can practice mindfulness whilst washing up. One can practice mindfulness during a passionate discussion around the state of the earth. One can practice mindfulness during any of life’s rich tapestry of earthly emotions (be them positive or negative) that come one’s way. The form doesn’t matter, what matters is that mindfulness is practiced because mindfulness is the part of us that sees and knows all experience as an equal and just part of our journey in being human and as a result, it only seeks to find love, honour and feelings of gratitude for the experience it’s in. These feelings of love, honour and gratitude can be really infectious, meaning that once mindfulness has been brought consciously into being, it’s almost inevitable that we’ll unconsciously start creating more mindful experiences in other areas of life where we don’t consciously practice it, bringing more mindful love, honour and gratitude into our experience.
Like everything worthwhile though, creating and sustaining mindfulness is a slow, slow road, but without question, it’s a road worth walking. I can’t help but wonder how much more balanced and peaceful humanity would be if we we’re all just ten percent more mindful in our daily lives. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see on that one because I do believe, no, I know, that such wonder is in the process of creation. And so it’s with mindfulness in mind that we come to the second conceptual idea of my vision “For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves” and as I finish up in the kitchen, make the tea and return to the others, we can take a look at this together.
Idea two: Finding love and honour for the oneness of being
This idea should not be mistaken for the love and honour that is created from being mindful to our experience. We should of course always welcome that which mindfulness creates in our lives, however for me, this is only the start of a much deeper exploration. In my opinion, loving and honouring the oneness of being is not only about finding love and honour for our independent selves and realities, but also about discovering, loving and honouring the part of the human experience that we all innately know we all share inside.
When you look into the mirror, what do you see? What is it that defines you as being you? When you look upon yourself, do you see a human body shaped solely by its environmental and social influences? Your clothes, your appearance, your physical mannerisms, the way you wear your hair and hold your posture; are they all just products of how you believe you’ve been trained and in turn trained yourself to be? Is this truly who you are? When you look to your face, do you see a complexion created solely by conditioned experience and uncontrollable circumstance? Your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your beliefs, the way you conduct yourself in reality; is it all just a predetermined result of your nature and nurture? How do you feel about this? Do you love, hate or remain ambivalent to what you see? Does or can this ever really define who you are? What about your eyes? Is all you see inside yourself but a reflection of the way you feel in the given moment? Is this feeling what defines you? Is this who you truly are?
It’s here that I wish to challenge you to look deeper into your own eyes. To gaze beyond the presentation of your physical appearance and conditioned emotional experiences and find the eye of mindfulness that lives within you. To greet the peaceful core of the observing inner eye that’s always looking patiently and benevolently back at you and the world, waiting, indeed longing for you to open your eyes and greet it. Believe me, you’ll know what I mean when you see it because the mindful eye is the true you! It’s the part of you that you recognise in the simplest, yet most indescribable of ways. It’s the sparkle of remembrance, the trusting glint in the eye that knows that despite everything you perceive yourself to be, beyond all the drama and emotion, the highs and lows and the joys and the pains of your life, that your true self knows it’s here, that it chose to be here and that beyond all of the distractions and challenges that being human entails, it’s always at complete peace and connected oneness with the love and honour of the oneness of being.
The spark of knowingness we see, the ability to remember and greet the eye of mindfulness and celebrate the oneness of being, is something every human being shares without exception. No matter our environmental and emotional conditioning, no matter the way we choose to practice belief and faith, no matter how we choose to be human, no matter how far down the truth of who we are is buried beneath the fabric of our linear realities, every single one of us alive on the planet today innately holds, knows and yearns to remember this connective presence inside. Remembering this part of us unites our humanity as one, as one collective observer of our humanness divided into billions of individual realities and creative self-expressions of consciousness. It’s here that we remember everything that connects us. It’s here that we remember that we’re all one.
We are all one. We’re all one in being alive. We’re all one in calling the earth our home. We’re all one in living inside the human body. We’re all one in that we all have a heart, a brain and set of beliefs and morals. We’re all one in that we all hold the same egoic battles inside ourselves day-to-day. We’re all one on so many levels in being human and I really don’t think anyone could deny that. Therefore, it’s with a pinch of irony that I say that it’s also our being human that causes us the most separation. Think about it a moment. Despite our clear unity on so many levels, isn’t the way we choose to physically and emotionally express our humanness the main cause of all the differences and the problems facing us and modern humanity today?
This apparent paradox is okay though and from a creative standpoint, we should know that we’ll never need to neglect our creative choices and individual expressions of being for the sake of oneness. Instead, we should seek to honour our creative differences for what they are, just our creative differences and then aim to balance ourselves and remember what connects us inside of them. This is so important to remember because despite the feelings of division our creative expressions can and will continually present us with as we evolve as a specie, inside we will always be able to share and celebrate the things that truly bind and connect us together through all of it. It’s inside this place of togetherness where we can truly start to know who we are, why we’re here and what we share in doing so. It’s here that we can truly remember how to love and honour all that is the oneness of being.
Are we brave enough to break the mould and find the light of this omnipresent oneness within our perception of everything regardless of how our created linear realities connect with and relate to each other? Can we position ourselves to see, love and honour our oneness with those who resonate with our humanness just as equally as with those who don’t? Can we show our love and honour in oneness to those we don’t know, don’t like or even actively condemn, just as much as those (who on a linear level) we resonate more with? Can we love and honour the oneness we share with those who believe differently to us with as much acceptance and respect as those who do? Indeed, can we love, honour and remember our oneness in being inside the choices of every single being alive regardless of their human representation, state of consciousness or awareness, or what they’ve chosen to do, be, create and experience in this life. Can we do this? Can we somehow remember to love and honour the part of us that we innately know will always reside inside every human we know? Can we endeavour to always try to search for this part, if only for a moment, even if on the surface the idea that we share something in common with another seems the most far-fetched thing ever to be considered?
For me, the Nepali word of ‘Namaste’ best represents what I’m trying to convey here and its simpleness always helps ground me inside of the conceptual knowingness it opens me up to. It’s a word that when translated roughly translates to,
“I honour the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honour the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace. When you’re in that place in you and I’m in that place in me … we are one.”
As beautiful as that statement is, I find it good to adapt things so that they resonate deeper with my filter. So in alignment with this idea, I’d like to interpret the word Namaste so,
“The oneness of being inside of me greets and honours the oneness of being inside of you.”
You can of course replace the word ‘oneness’ with whatever word you resonate with the most. For example,
“The spirit inside of me greets and honours the spirit inside of you.”
“The god inside of me greets and honours the god inside of you.”
“The source inside of me greets and honours the source inside of you.”
“The love inside of me greets and honours the love inside of you.”
“The light inside of me greets and honours the light inside of you.”
“The soul inside of me greets and honours the soul inside of you.”
“The divinity inside of me greets and honours the divinity inside of you.”
“The life-force inside of me greets and honours the life-force inside of you.”
“The mindful eye inside of me greets and honours the mindful eye inside of you.”
“The presence inside of me greets and honours the presence inside of you.”
“The science inside of me greets and honours the science inside of you.”
“The nothingness inside of me greets and honours the nothingness inside of you.”
“The mischievous monkey inside of me greets and honours the mischievous monkey inside of you.”
“[_ The ________ inside of me greets and honours the ________ inside of you.” _]
It doesn’t matter what word we use; we can use one word, a thousand words or we can use no words at all. What matters is the strength of the feelings we can attach to the words to trigger our remembrance (no matter how short or long that remembrance is) of the oneness in being we share with everyone and everything, when and wherever we need to. I personally draw particular affinity to the word Namaste because it’s a word that imprinted itself upon me when Levah and I spent six months travelling in the beautiful Himalayan country of Nepal and it’s a short memory from that adventure that I’d like to share with you now.
Towards the end of our time there, we were journeying to Bardia National Park in the south west of the country, an area of wildlife rich forest right out of Rudyard Kipling’s jungle book. On the way there, we decided that we’d take a small detour and spend a couple of days in the area of Lumbini, the proposed birthplace of the Buddha. The best way I can describe Lumbini (in the years I visited anyway) was that it’s almost like a spiritual building site, both in the literal and metaphorical senses of the words. It was a very dry, flat area where its many different country themed temples (the plan being to embody the world’s different representations of Buddhism) were still under construction. We didn’t really know what to make of it if truth be told. It felt kind of incomplete and scattered, but on the other hand also a place of great wisdom and peace. However, incompleteness, scatteredness, wisdom and peace asides, it was the time we spent in the sacred gardens (the place where the remains of the Maya Devi Temple, the believed physical birthplace of the Buddha, are located) where I’d like to draw particular attention towards the literal and metaphorical spiritual construction I experienced there.
For Levah and I, the sacred gardens were a truly special place in an otherwise mildly confusing and almost out of tune (for us) area. They were quiet, serene and brimming with colourful Tibetan prayer flags strewn upon, around and between the trees, all of them fluttering in the gentle breeze as the visiting people all walked about shoeless in reflective and respectful manners, all seemingly honouring the energy of the place as their bodies connected to its soils. Despite being an incredibly well known place, it felt like we’d entered at a quiet time of the day because there weren’t many visitors. On top of this, we couldn’t help but notice that most people there would come to visit the temple, pay their respects, have a gentle stroll around the garden and remaining ruins and then be on their way. Suffice to say that isn’t the way that Levah and I like to do things. We’re the kind of folks that like to linger on whenever we can to get a deeper sense of the places we visit, so after visiting the temple and slowly wandering around the gardens, we found ourselves gravitating towards and sitting surprisingly alone underneath one of the large, sacred Bodhi trees in the central courtyard. I noticed a couple of orange robe clad monks sitting in meditation against trees opposite to us. I say meditation, however on closer observation, we were both pretty sure that one of them actually was asleep! Who were we to judge his methods though!
Our spines pushed up against and aligned with the trunk of the tree, we reflected quietly for a while before we noticed that almost out of nowhere, a little girl had come to stand opposite us. I speak for myself when I say that the first thing that sprang to mind was to wonder what she wanted. Positioning herself a few metres away from us she stood still, arms by her side, saying nothing whilst she smiled at us and the longer she stood there, the more drawn into the experience I became. Her eyes were sparkling, alive with a light that continuously overwhelmed me to the extent that I almost wanted to stand up and walk away. My internal processes were on overload and as I found myself compulsively gazing back and forth to greet the light of her eyes, I could hear my ego screaming at me not to engage, telling me that she was only trying to manipulate me into giving her some money. Contrary to this, I could sense my rational mind trying to conclude that she was just an inquisitive child looking at the hippily clad tourists and that I must just humour her in her curiosity. Despite all my egoic doubts and rational attempts to linearize what was happening to me though, I could feel my heart standing strong in the magic of the moment. It didn’t care what my ego and my mind believed. The girl could have been either of or both of my assumptions for all it cared, because right there and then, her human motives mattered not. Right there and then, all my heart was concerned with was the way she was greeting me.
Back and forth my awareness went, continually overcome by what it was seeing. Like a moth to a flame, it was drawn back time and time again into the sparkle of the unknown. Occasionally, she’d run around the garden to give me some space, however she’d always return to the exact same position with the exact same light in her eyes and the exact same welcoming and knowing expression on her face. I’ve no idea how much time passed because right there and then, time as I knew it drifted away from me. Eventually, I heard a call from some fifty metres away, as an elder of her nearby family called her back and without a moment’s thought she ran off, her memory forever imprinted on my experience.
It wasn’t until some months later that I really understood what had happened to me. I’ve found that more often than not, it takes time to process experiences such as these, indeed back then I didn’t even have the information to link to my experience and formally process it the way I can now. That afternoon, the little girl showed me the part of myself that lived in her and the part of her that lived in me. She showed me first-hand what the mindful observer looked like and what loving and honouring the oneness of being (the connected self that we both shared) truly meant. This is why I believe that despite all my egoic and rational processes pestering me to continually look away and not trust the experience, all my heart wanted to do was look and remember, allowing my soul to revel in the oneness that was before it for as long as it could.
This was life showing me how loving and honouring the oneness of being was possible. That despite culture, language, gender, age, doubt and all the other things that separate us in being human, that two individuals can always create space to meet and honour the oneness of being, the spirit, the god, the source, the love, the light, the soul, the divinity, the life-force, the mindful eye, the presence, the science, the nothingness, the mischievous monkey, the whatever we want to call it, that dwells inside the other, by connecting through the mindful eye of soul to soul communication that remembers who we all are, what we all share and why we’re all here.
I’m certainly not alone in my feelings here. Levah shared the same experience as me and it’s always upon reflection together that we remember the power that this little girl gifted us. Indeed, her presence was the catalyst for us being able to consciously start observing and creating more moments of such loving and honourable soul to soul communication within our day to day experiences. Through such moments, we’ve truly begun to see how we’re connected to everybody. We’ve also realised that opportunities for such connective love and honour in the oneness of being are always ours to create, no matter the situation or emotion we were in, or the conscious awareness of the other.
Despite the beauty of this awareness though, I must say that it still can be an insanely overwhelming process to be part of, especially if both parties are consciously aware of what’s happening and looking directly at each other. However, it’s worth remembering that pure, soul to soul communication in love and honour of the oneness of being is going to be nothing but overwhelming to the vast majority of the human experience for quite some time. Even with Levah, the being I’m closest to than any other individual on the planet, it’s still overwhelming. I don’t know completely why, but I suppose for me it could be because being absorbed by such connective oneness truly shatters the illusion of the internal me being me, a being solely responsible for who I am in this life. I know that I’ll always be me in the case of being human, however when I step out to remember the bigger picture of who this me is, I can’t help but ponder the paradox of it all, the notion which questions that if a part of me lives inside everyone and a part of them inside me, then who the hell am I? Who the hell are they? And why oh why did we decide to put ourselves through this confusing conundrum of being human in the first place? I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that having to trust this paradox is an incredibly daunting prospect.
What I do know though is that whatever the answer is, it’s a path that’s real to me because my ego is so desperately afraid of me remembering that finding love and honour for the oneness of being is a potential I hold. So afraid it is in fact, that it’s always trying to make me run away from situations that create such love and honour so that I don’t even realise that they’re there. That’s exactly what I wanted to do in the sacred garden and, in a different way, still try to do now when I drift too deeply into soul to soul communication, even with conscious awareness and intent of what I’m doing. Ego cannot exist the way it selfishly wishes to live when the awareness of the single self transforms and connects itself with the love and honour of the oneness of being. It becomes completely powerless and thus running away, hiding, misleading and dismissing our truths are all it has left to protect itself. Despite ego’s resistance however, I rest assured my heart’s willingness to stand strong and engage grows stronger by the day.
I know that we cannot be and create such states of oneness all of the time. Indeed right now, I don’t even think we should because we’re not ready to be at one in such a deep way. Instead, I feel we just need to slowly illuminate the rooms in which we stand in a way that reminds us how finding love and honour for the oneness of being is a potential part of our evolving consciousness. I wonder deeply what would happen if we could all hold this glow and start creating just one moment inside all our interactions where we remember to connect and communicate our oneness, soul to soul with each other. To show ourselves that despite all our linearly created differences and ways of expressing our being, that we still hold the ability to create a Namaste moment by finding space to greet each other and remember everything that unites us as one on this earth (no matter how we define it) before we move back to our linear selves. I can’t help but hold the feeling that we’d feel a hell of a lot more balanced inside ourselves and a hell of a lot more peaceful in the way we go about seeing and understanding both each another and the world we share. Namaste.
“Here he is!” greeted Rowen, bending his ever welcoming smile around the frames of the girls backs as I re-emerged to the fireplace, carefully balancing four lightly clinking mugs on my newly created, handmade and never before used tea tray. Coming into everyone’s full view; I placed the tray down besides Levah upon the large tree stump we’d decided to turn into a makeshift fireside table.
“What have you been up to?” quizzed Levah, turning to face me. “It seemed like you were gone ages.”
“Really? How odd … I only chose the teas and washed up the remaining dishes whilst the kettle boiled. Maybe I slipped into a momentary black hole or something!”
“Ahhh … that explains it!” she nodded rather evasively, shuddering an air of uncertainty into me.
“Explains what? Contrary to what I just said, I assure you there are no real black holes in the kitchen.”
“No, not that. It explains that you just needed some Tim space.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at honey,” I continued honestly, starting to distribute the mugs around the group, their fresh heads of steam blending harmoniously with the fire’s soft smoke as they both collectively drifted off on the breeze.
“I’m just saying that you’re really good at adjusting your perception of reality to create a memory that suits what you need it to be … especially when you’re alone. I mean, you always take longer than you think you do when you go off on your own because you wander off in your head. It’s not a bad thing though … it’s just who you are and need to be.”
“Ummmm,” I hesitated, casting my memory back over my actions. Although I’d no real idea of how long I’d been gone, I guessed she was probably correct in her observation; it definitely wasn’t the first time she’d made me aware of my long reflective moments. “Yeah,” I slowly concluded. “Perhaps your right.”
“Well there you go then,” she affirmed in an almost pompous manner, adding further confusion to the moment.
“Well, there I go what then?”
“Don’t worry honey,” she stated, almost dismissing her pomposity and my confusion towards it. “You just make me proud that’s all,” she leaned across to hug me, an embrace which I rather bewilderedly reciprocated, a perplexed and almost resentful look strewn across my face. I thought I knew what she was getting at, indeed, behind my confusion I could intuitively sense exactly what she meant inside her words. However, despite this sense I’d no idea why she’d chosen to bring it up to me now, especially in the scattered, semi-arrogant and impromptu manner she was doing.
“Well that’s good then,” I said supportively, trying my best not to challenge or dismiss her peculiarity out of hand. “How’d you come to see and know all this hey?”
“I just observe you and your ways from time to time. You definitely make for good watching! I’ve concluded it’s just part of who you are to need your reflective moments. Your life needs to be that way and I’m always really impressed with how you manage to shape and create experiences which allow your spaces to be, even if half the time you don’t really know exactly what it is you’re actually doing.”
“What makes you think I don’t know what I’m doing?” I replied self-righteously, inadvertently letting go of my restraint and beginning to dance unaware within her peculiarity.
“That’s an interesting observation,” said Rowen, shifting the conversation away from its egoic drift and back towards the collective.
“Do you get what I mean?” turned Levah to face Rowen, releasing me from her grasp, as I silently inside thanked Rowen for coming to both our aids.
“Not entirely … however, I like what you said about being able to create experiences to match the intent of what one needs to be in life. That’s really profound. How do you think this happens?”
I was impressed with how he’d seemed to twist Levah’s words to bring her back to something we could all discuss together. It was indeed an excellent question. How did this all happen?
“Well,” sighed out Levah. “I think that’s certainly a question wide open to interpretation.”
The conversation moved and I sat peacefully back on my tree stump. I took a big swig of tea, its minty tang zinging my taste buds to full and grateful attention. As the discussion began to swirl itself and gain momentum within the group, I found myself stepping back inside my mindful eye again. It was always the best place for me to be, especially in such discussions. I was still engaged with the group, listening and adding to what was being said, however I knew that the point (if indeed there was one) which we were now spiralling ourselves towards could only be seen and fully integrated from inside of the mindful eye. I knew my truth (as it was) in regards to the topic we’d begun to discuss, however, I likewise knew that I could only sprinkle it into the pot of connective knowing that our group was creating. I’m pretty sure that the others were doing the same, the spices of their truths mixing with my own to give a richer, fuller flavour to our collective wisdom.
Idea Three: Embracing the co-creative conundrum of being human
I believe that the co-creational process lays at the core of balance and the remainder of the five ideas. However, as with all concepts, I recognise that the concept of co-creation opens itself up to a plethora of individual interpretations and ways of actualisation in the human experience and it’s these interpretations that I’d like to explore first.
In this day and age, there’s so much information and opinion out there in regards to this widely considered ‘esoteric’ and ‘new age’ idea. Countless guides, programs and gurus all designed to help us instantly and effortlessly follow our intuition, place ourselves omnipresently inside synchronous flow and ultimately, become the co-creative masters we were all born to be by attracting all we want into our lives, or our money back! I’m of course being over dramatic here, but I’m sure you get my point. I’m not saying that these prospects of corporeal abundance and spiritual enlightenment aren’t possible, indeed I’m a firm advocator that they’re all achievable possibilities presented to every soul incarnate if that’s the innate will of that soul in balanced perspective of its highest potentials. It’s just that we must remember that in our present states of individual and collective consciousness, it’s going to take a lot of time, effort and practice just to even start scratching the surface of perceiving and interacting with reality this way, let alone set about manifesting the grand pictures of fulfilment we create for ourselves to attain when we first dip our toes in the co-creative water. Why? Because every day we’re faced with the ever present conundrum of being human that we all (in one way or another) continuously live and die and laugh and cry and thrive and suffer within. If we can wise up to it though, we’ll find that nothing being human can ever throw at us can ever stand in the way of us deciding, in this very moment, to strike our matches and start expanding our light out into enhancing our relationship with our co-creative selves and as a result consciously start participating in our lives creation.
For me, this all started by embracing ideas one and two in my life. By being able to create enough remembrance to step back inside of the mindful eye of oneness and become part of the inner wisdom that compassionately accepts and connects with everything it perceives for being exactly what it is; I’ve found myself being able to open enough to see my co-creative reality in a totally new way. As is such, I’ve started to become free of resistance to the course of my life, stopping trying to force my reality to be anything other than what it is to me in the present moment. It’s in this place that I’ve also started to realise that everything I need in relation to how I create my life lays uniquely inside of me, and that by placing my faith solely in the guidance and information of others’ filters; I’m ultimately giving away my power. In my eyes, there are no fixed steps, guides, programs, gurus or masters who can teach us more about our co-creative realities than ourselves. We are the guides, we hold the programs and we are the gurus and masters to the secrets of our unique potentials and purposes on this earth, we just need to retune ourselves into remembering and then seeing how such attributes exist inside of us.
Nothing anyone can ever teach or tell us can ever be more profound than what we can teach or tell ourselves through our own intended experience. We can of course work together with and share in the ways and tools of others if we so choose (especially to those we feel mindful resonance with), however we must keep in mind that these explorations should only be used as prompts towards a much deeper spiritual integration that takes ownership of our own power to create our own light and awaken our independent wisdom. As the saying goes, we are and always have been the ones we’ve been waiting for.
Over the years, I’ve learnt that taking complete co-creative ownership of my reality is an essential part of my journey towards life’s balance. Accepting this paradoxical shift in my life’s perception was, to say the least, a really tough pill to swallow at the beginning and it’s still something that my humanity continuously challenges me to both remember and accept every moment of every day. This challenge of acceptance is made ever more complex when I consider my place in the world.
I know that some might say that it’s easier for me to make this statement because I’ve been relatively privileged in terms of my position on the earth. For me though, true wisdom of one’s co-creative capacities means transcending the linear boundaries of judgement of the human experience. Co-creation is not and never will be solely about the experiential hierarchy of material creation or the rainbow of emotional bridges we’ve all been challenged to build and cross. Right now, co-creation is about the process, it’s our journey to balance and peace in the now, and such journeys will always transcend our physical situations.
Co-creation is about knowing who we are and finding compassionate, mindful acceptance not only to who and what that creative expression of us is, but also to where it’s chosen to be in this time and space. It’s about striking our match and using its light to seek out the highest potentials available to us in the present moment (whatever those potentials are) so that we can sense our way through and start balancing ourselves within the dark, our intent being to actualise our highest expressions of being into the world. Inside of this place, experiential hierarchy over our lives cannot exist, not really, for how can there be experiential hierarchy when everyone lights up their own room, in their own unique and balanced ways and is compassionately accepting towards what they and others have in light of the bigger picture? There can’t be.
Linear hierarchy aside though, there’s still one very important question to ask when it comes to the co-creative experience. What about all the suffering? Do we choose to create our suffering? Why on earth would we choose suffering when we could just choose not to? To cut a long and perhaps controversial debate short; of course we have a choice; suffering is a human concept that we’ve innately created for ourselves to transcend!
Herein then, lays the essence of the co-creative conundrum that we must embrace, because presently we believe that to be human is to suffer! Whether that be physically, emotionally, physiologically or spiritually; suffering is one of the things we believe defines us as a specie. We suffer because we all know that we’re going to die, but have no idea when, how or what will happen to us. We suffer because others die around us or drift away from our lives. We suffer because of pain, illness and disease. We suffer because of the ongoing battles of our egos telling us that we’re not good enough and shall forever stand in the judgement of others if we’re not a success in our lives. We suffer from our worries, doubts and fears, from our angers, frustrations and the misguided actions of others. We suffer because we think we’re alone and that our lives hold no purpose, or that we’re inferior to something greater than ourselves in one way or another. Damn, many of us still suffer because of a lack of basic human requirements such as hunger and thirst. We cannot deny that to be human is to perceive suffering in every possible way and every single one of us, if we’re truly open with ourselves, knows that regardless of whom or where we are in life, the suffering perception is an omnipresent part of our everyday experiences.
Above all of this though, it’s my belief that the root cause of all our suffering is the belief that we’ve lost our connection to the part of us that knows there’s more to us than just being human. We miss our connection to the oneness of being, to spirit, to god, to source, to love, to light, to soul, to divinity, to life-force, to the mindful eye, to presence, to science, to nothingness, to the mischievous monkey, to whatever we want to call it, we miss it. For the sake of ease here though, I will just call it ‘spirit’, because ‘spirit’ is the word that resonates with me the most (please use what resonates with you most in its place).
In my experience, ‘spirit’ doesn’t know what it is to suffer. ‘Spirit’ knows only the way of joy, oneness, peace and belonging. I believe that every single one of us misses and searches for this benevolent connection to ‘spirit’ from the very first moment we can remember and (as beautiful and abundant as the human experience is when we’re not pray to its suffering) nothing being human can materially present us with can ever compete with the connection to ‘spirit’ we miss. We miss this connection because deep down, we know that it’s our most natural and purest state of being and from the moment we wake up every day, we yearn to find our way back to its comfort and wisdom. Herein lays the puzzling part for us then, because although our choice to be human has caused many of us to forget our connection to ‘spirit’, the truth is that our ability to connect hasn’t actually gotten lost anywhere, indeed, it’s still always omnipresent inside of us, reminding us continuously that it’s part of our experience as it waits patiently for us to take it by the hand and reconnect with it again.
The challenge then is how we find balance between our choice to be human and our omnipresent will to reconnect to and be with ‘spirit’ at the same time. It’s a tough one for sure, but if I was to theorise (based upon my filters of belief), I’d say that right now, finding balance in being between our connection to ‘spirit’ and our being human is actually the deeper reason why we’ve chosen to go through this experience. Thus, if we can take this wisdom and intend to find space in our days to meld with ‘spirit’ by dropping mindfully into the core of who we really are (no matter how we choose to go about doing it), then we can finally transcend what it is to be human and reconnect to our highest sense, whilst remaining fully in the human experience. Then, no matter what’s happening in our lives, we’ll be able to stand upon the hill of the present moment and look out unobscured at the bigger picture of reality that exists infinitely around us, facilitating remembrance that we’re exactly who and where we’ve created ourselves to be and that we’re always eternally connected to everything we see, both in being human and in ‘spirit’.
It doesn’t matter what we believe, or how we wish to define and go about connecting to that which we’re connected to. What matters is that we strike our match and remember that the connection is there. Then, in the most surreal, natural and almost magical of ways, we’ll watch as our perceptions of suffering begin to drop away, allowing intuition and synchronous flow to start shifting themselves inside every facet of our lives. Then, almost as if it knows, the co-creational power that is us can come forth and make both itself available to us in a more profound way, allowing us in turn to feel stronger and increasingly more balanced and at peace with the potentials of our experience as we journey within them.
For me, embracing the co-creative conundrum of being human is about holding an aware, potential driven and linearly balanced human experience with one’s innate drive to transcend suffering and remember to connect with the joy of ‘spirit’. It’s about awakening to the overwhelming sense of oneness that embraces one’s being when it’s present to intuitions ways. It’s about breathing the deep feelings of peace and purpose which radiate within the ludicrously surreal feelings of synchronicity when we place ourselves mindfully within them. It’s about opening to the purest feelings of existential belonging that comes from consciously being part of both the human and the ‘spiritual’ experience.
As is such, any human being who can find a way to hold connection to ‘spirit’ inside themselves together with creating, living and sharing their human lives to their fullest potential (no matter their material or emotional circumstances, or what they’ve challenged and been challenged to do or be in this lifetime) is, in my eyes, without question amongst the wealthiest and most creatively abundant beings alive. And it’s inside of these moments, these natural states of balancing both the human and the ‘spirit’, that space can be further opened to allow the next level of ideas, memories and truths about our co-creative potentials and abilities, to come charging into fruition.
This all being said, I think it almost goes without saying that like every human being alive, my co-creative path hasn’t been all ‘sweetness and light’. I still find experiences of suffering on a daily basis, however as I grow older, I’m watching as how I perceive, react to and welcome such suffering as being part of a co-creative experience I’ve created in order to evolve and transcend it, is starting to shift. Ultimately, I’m feeling my resistance to the nature of suffering slowly drop away and as a result of my acceptance, what I used to perceive as sufferable is no longer causing me to suffer, at least not in the same ways it used to anyway. The experiences that come to me may or may not be the same, however my reactions to them are, match by match, becoming illuminated in the compassionate acceptance that they’re as equal a part of the life I’ve intended into being as the ones I perceive as ‘sweetness and light’. What’s more, even when I allow feelings of suffering inside of me, I can now almost always find a way to remember how to place them within the bigger context of my reality and bring them to light in my experience.
Like all of us though, I’ve had to learn (and am still learning) many lessons along the way which, if given a choice in the make believe experiential hierarchy, I’d probably never directly have ‘chosen’ to go through. Please note here that what I’m about to share with you isn’t meant in search of any sympathy. I know and appreciate that no matter our linear circumstances, we all have it tough in one way of another and looking to play the poor me card is not part of my intent here. More so, I wish to inform you of a profound process of human suffering that I had to go through in my life which, in rather wonderful retrospect, turned my perception of suffering on its head, turbocharging my co-creative perception and reconnection to ‘spirit’ and ultimately helping seed the first five ideas of personal and collective balance within me.
A few years back, I developed a disease (or to break the word down more one could say ‘dis-ease’). Now, I won’t go into details about what it is, or define to you exactly how it’s experientially affected my life. Neither shall I go into details about how I’ve sought to find balance and health within it either. This is because I simply don’t believe that my linear information and actions are applicable or appropriate to your journey. Instead, I intend to share and bring to light how this experience was brought into perspective and ultimately set in motion towards balance in my life.
When I first got sick, I really couldn’t comprehend or accept that it was actually happening to me. I thought that because I’d set myself on ‘the righteous spiritual path’ that I was no longer in a position of co-creative unawareness to be affected by such negative acts of personal suffering, at least not within the realms of what I created for myself anyway. This misperception however, couldn’t have been more naïve and for a while I wallowed in deep self-pity, allowing the disease inside my body to thrive as I cursed the unfairness of it all. “Why me?” I’d cry. “Why me when all I’ve done in my life is endeavour to engage my soul as an open, evolving entity committed to serving the greater good of itself and the earth?” I couldn’t for the life of me understand why such a heinous act of suffering had been bestowed upon me and, as a result, I became sicker and sicker and more and more depressed as I began to doubt everything I’d ever perceived myself and my co-creative life to be. Suffice to say then, that these days weren’t the most hierarchically ‘rich’ experiences for me or my family and I have to give my deepest thanks to my dear, dear Levah Dotling for being such a shining beacon of light, strength, love and support in this long dark night of my soul.
Despite all the suffering I went through though, there was always a part of me that refused to give up. An inner knowing that remembered the light I held and after some time (and a literal long dark night of my soul), it suddenly dawned on me that no one else other than myself was responsible for bringing me through the experience and back into a state of balance. I realised that at the end of the day, it was up to me and me alone to remember to strike my match in perhaps the darkest, most unknown place I’d ever been part of and start illuminating the beginning of my healing journey and return to wellness.
Opening to this notion, I saw that I couldn’t completely rely on modern medicine to help me because aspects of the dis-ease I suffered from lay beyond the realms of medical science’s traditional curing approach; meaning that there was no definitive medical cure for it. Mine was a conceptual form of dis-ease in manifest and something that needed a conceptual, holistic approach to both balance and healing that encompassed every facet of my physical, emotional and spiritual being. Please note that I’m not hinting at or advocating here that one should neglect the importance of modern medicine. I’m suggesting that modern medicine should be seen as part of a larger holistic picture of taking full responsibility for one’s created life and well-being. There are many circumstances in life where modern medicine is and perhaps always will be the best way forward. However, it’s my belief that whilst we still need to place faith in and use modern medicine where applicable in our lives, we also need to start taking the reins of knowing how to work intuitively with our bodies in order to cure, heal and balance ourselves from the inside.
In respect to my dis-ease though, the first thing I had to really integrate was compassionately accepting that the suffering I was experiencing was a just and appropriate part of the journey that my soul had chosen to create and experience. This involved coming to terms with the notion that the experiences my intent created for me wouldn’t necessarily always be what I thought or wanted them to be, but instead would always be exactly what I needed them to be to fulfil the highest potentials of my intention, especially when it came to the intent I placed around balance, remembering my connection to ‘spirit’ and embracing of my co-creative power. For that’s exactly what I perceive happened to me here. That my intent to create inner balance in my life created the dis-ease experience, the one place where I could learn my ways of balance from the ground up. In retrospect, it makes me laugh that I created and got what I was after, just not in the easy experiential package I was expecting.
At the end of the day, I know that I needed to experience the suffering I did in order to see how to work with and learn from it. For how can one be expected to learn to evolve or transcend anything if they’re not actually placed consciously within the experience themselves. In my opinion, creating compassionate acceptance of, balance to and transcendence out of it is why humanity suffers its challenge of suffering. The paradox of all this feels almost cruel in a way, unjust in a manner that makes no sense or reason to my humanity. But I suppose that’s simply a paradoxes role to make no sense, isn’t it? Despite my frustrations to the whys of it all though, I do find deep reassurance in the experiential feeling I now hold that it’s often in the darkest places of the room where one can illuminate the most profound spiritual wisdom if one is brave enough to strike one’s match and bring it into view.
Consequently, I now believe that the more as a specie we can journey and commit ourselves to illuminating this wisdom, then the less we’ll find we emotionally and physically suffer in the process because we’ll start to know exactly what the suffering is and how to feel and navigate our way through it. Thus, what we used to perceive as suffering will just become a valid part of our experience that we no longer resist, but accept, meaning that its power over us will slowly diminish. As a result of this perceptual shift, our intent will actually start creating fewer experiences of suffering in our physical and emotional worlds because we’re no longer resisting, but glowing and balancing ourselves within it before it can come to form. Darkness cannot penetrate light, remember, and the more matches we strike, the more we’ll see and remember this as our innate truth.
I still have the dis-ease inside of me for it will always form part of my experience. However, it’s balancing itself now in a way that means I no longer suffer from it in the life controlling ways I used do. I still perceive suffering from it and many other things in my every day experience and I know that there’s a long journey in front of me before suffering becomes a vague memory of what used to be in my life. Most of the time now though, I don’t let my suffering creatively become me. I remember why I suffer when I suffer and whenever I feel it arising, I try my best to step back into the mindful eye, strike my match and shine accepting and compassionate light upon it, before learning what it has to teach me and moving on. I can be nothing but grateful for my suffering if I’m really honest, especially my dis-ease. It came to me at a time in my life when my soul needed it the most and it was this process which helped me shift in ways I could only have dreamed of before. I know deep down that if I was given the opportunity to reset the experience and live it all over again in a different way, then my heart would always choose to decline.
For me, this is the true power of co-creation as that power is available to us now. To co-create a humanity that transcends suffering to a place of balance and peace where following our intuition and embracing the synchronous moments that follow becomes as natural a state as suffering is today. A place where individual suffering and collective scarcity is gradually co-created out of memory by our own free will to help create and unite an earth in a collective remembrance that brings not only balance and peace, but physical, emotional and spiritual abundance to us all as well. Now isn’t that a picture worth suffering for? Just strike your match and see for yourself.
“What do you think about it Tim?” came an unexpected question directly into my awareness, stirring my attention immediately back to the fire. Having been fully engaged and involved in the conversation for quite some time, its content had caused me to momentarily drift out and reflect upon it within myself. Levah was certainly right about my reflective moments.
“About what?” I queried unknowingly, glancing about and locating the question to Rowen, who was looking patiently at me. “Sorry … I was in my own world for moment there!”
“About this whole law of attraction concept we’re discussing,” he reiterated calmly. “The idea that we’re the creators of our lives and everything else in universal existence?”
His question, although presented with a playful and light-hearted irony, held a very deep undertone to it. I was grateful how he’d also kindly ignored the fact I’d lost attention towards the conversation. In a way, it seemed almost like the whole group were wise and mindful to my non attentive moments.
“Well, it’s certainly attracting a lot of attention towards itself right now, isn’t it?” I joked.
“Sure is,” he giggled, seemingly pleased that I was now back fully engaging in the group dynamic. “It’s certainly not hidden knowledge anymore, which I suppose can only be a good thing.”
“I agree,” I nodded, mulling over whether it was relevant to share the intuitive feelings around the topic I’d just sensed and been through inside. “But on the other hand, isn’t it all rather confusing and perhaps a little misguiding for people to believe that they can attract and have anything they want in their life … especially as the vast majority of us still haven’t got to grips with our relationship to materialism.”
“How do you mean?” quizzed Rowen.
“I mean … it seems to me that all the information that’s out there, especially in the mainstream regarding attracting and creating abundance and happiness in life all seems a bit too fluffy, too focussed on instant gratification and planting deluded pictures of grandeur and fulfilment into people who aren’t ready to process it. Do you know what I mean? I definitely see what such information is getting at and I think it’s beautiful that these concepts are becoming widely available to humanity. However, I do find it really difficult to find agreement with the way much of it is directed because much of it seems way too materially based and although I think material creation is a huge part of the human experience and shouldn’t be discredited, I also believe that truly learning how to create what’s right for our lives and the planet is so much more than self-attraction alone.”
“Why do you think that is?” probed Rowen again, prompting me to continue.
“Because for me, seeing solely through eyes of material attraction and emotional human need seems to forget to honour the soul. I think that in order to get a glimpse of how we consciously create, we must first get to grips with remembering to honour, experience and then ultimately balance all our human needs with that of our soul, so that we find our place of pure intent that not only sees and understands our role in creation, but also knows how we go about creating, accepting and experiencing within it without attachment to its material outcome. What’s more, I don’t think we can learn all this by copying each other’s ways because we need to discover how attraction, co-creation, or whatever we want to call it, works for our unique selves. I’ve no doubt that the majority of folk out there sharing the information on these things may be incredibly wise to their creative selves and sharing it with the best of humanly intentions. However, I think it needs to be known that their ways can only ever be their ways and should never take away from the journey of us individually discovering our own innate wisdom. If I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve ever learnt anything from another person’s filter in regards to this … not practically anyway.”
“Really?” said Thea.
“Absolutely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not my intention to be cocky or discredit others experiences … I’ve found some superb sources of information out there that have helped me see through the eyes of other’s creativity and it’s all terrific food for thought. Nevertheless, the information and guidance which resonates most with me is the information and guidance that doesn’t promise me anything except reminding me that it’s all up to me to rediscover my own creative wisdom from within. That beyond my capacity for reason, everything I wish to know is already within me, waiting for me to get out of my own way so that I can remember that it’s there and then allow it to experience and evolve itself through my reality in its own unique way, within my own unique set of human potentials.”
I paused at the end of my statement, wondering if I’d perhaps undiscernibly pushed myself too far into my answer.
“It sounds like you’re speaking from good experience,” stated Thea in a supportive manner that also suggested she understood what I was getting at, her words adding immediate ease to my worry. “You sure make a lot of sense when you get going!”
“Thanks! I worry that I can get carried away sometimes.”
“You’re welcome,” she smiled. “Don’t worry though … you’re with us remember? I’m sure we’d redirect you if we thought you were getting carried away. I completely get what you’re saying in regards to the over materialised view of this whole concept though, especially the whole: ‘You can be a happy millionaire with all your dreams fulfilled forever’ approach.”
“But you can!” exclaimed Levah sarcastically. “All you need to do is-”
“Shhhhhh,” I hushed, winking at my partner. “Don’t tell them the secret unless they give us some money!”
“Oh don’t!” continued Thea, getting our play, but remaining relatively serious. “I really don’t like the notion of people promising ‘the secrets’ of universal wisdom in exchange for money because, like you said Tim, the way we experience things is so subjective that there can never be only one true secret, only our secrets. I do think it’s cool to have an energy exchange of money in return for services, products and practices that sit with pure intent behind them though. You know … things which help guide and promote self-exploration for example, however, the old ‘cash for prizes’ scenario … I definitely think that’s just how our little friend ego’s managed to get his manipulative slant on it again.”
“That’s an interesting idea,” I commended. “I’ve not thought about it like that before. You’re right though … ego does get its little beak into everything doesn’t it!”
“Indeed it does,” chipped in Rowen. “It’s such a crafty little bugger.”
“That’s painted such a funny image of a slick back haired, sneaky looking cartoon character ego that’s dastardly plotting his next intervention in my head,” chuckled Levah to herself. “He looks just like an evil Mr Men!”
“Then we must interrupt Mr Ego’s dastardly deeds immediately,” I said, sensing her play, whilst at the same time envisioning the image bubble she’d described as my own.
“Yeah right … what shall we do?”
“Let’s hug him! Surround him in so much love and understanding that he squirms like a teenager in an uncomfortable family embrace.”
“Haha … yes! By the look of his face, he’s not impressed at all, is he? He’s got that awkward ‘I want to get out of this but I don’t know how to’ expression.”
“That’s because deep down he knows that he secretly loves all the love.”
“Oh you two and you’re crazy imaginations!” interrupted Thea.
“Come on you, come hug him with us!” shrieked Levah. “You too Rowen … the more the merrier.”
“I’m already there!” said Rowen, his eyes already closed and a large knowing grin planted on his face. “Can’t you see me?”
“That was a good brew mate,” said Rowen, placing his cup back down on the wooden stump table and naturally breaking our ego hugging reflective silence. I opened my eyes slowly to greet the group again, only to realise that since they’d been closed it had somehow become really dark. Luckily, the fire had responded dutifully, continuing to burn warmly as it’s ever shifting dance illuminated the new expressions of darkness around us in the kindest of ways. I noticed that the enhanced expression of shadow and light had caused the features of everyone’s faces to deepen as their eyes glowed ever brighter in the reflected fire light.
“I’ll second that,” agreed Thea, finishing her tea almost synchronistically. “You know us well. What were they by the way? We never got round to actually asking.”
“Glad you liked them,” I replied warmly, resisting reacting to my growing ‘I know it all’ smugness inside. “Lemon and Elderflower green tea and Blueberry Rooibos. I know you’re both not mega caffeine heads, so the choices were pretty straight forward really.”
“And you’d be right,” said Thea. “Although Rowen does love a good cup of coffee now and then, don’t you honey?”
“Absolutely,” said Rowen proudly. “It’s one of my guilty pleasures. Might even have one in a bit actually.”
“I like guilty pleasures,” exclaimed Levah. “I find that the fact they feel guilty eliminates any addictive behaviours and associations to them, just as long as the feelings of guilt are taken mindfully for what they are … just feelings of guilt. That’s the way I feel about chocolate anyway!”
“For me, it’s got to be shoes,” said Thea. “I’ve far too many and my periodic need to buy more never seems to go away. “How about you Tim? What’s your vice?”
I paused for a split second, not entirely having cottoned on to what they meant by guilty pleasures. I had of course come across the term guilty pleasures in my life, however for me, the two terms seemed completely contradictory. Surely pleasure was pleasure and guilt was guilt and both should be experienced and reacted to as the independent entities they were. It was my belief that I’d adapted my life these days so that I didn’t really feel guilty about anything I did anymore, especially when it came to things involving my personal balance. If the guilt inside any particular action or habit had outgrown the positive pleasures it created, then I’d learnt to disintegrate the action from my life. Likewise, if the pleasure outweighed the guilt, then the guilt had been the one to leave, leaving me in a place where I held pure unadulterated mindful absorption of my experiences. To my knowledge, I had no guilty pleasures.
“I know his guilty pleasure,” interjected Levah, interrupting my thoughts.
“Do you now,” I replied suspiciously, slightly surprised by her revelation. “Care to enlighten me?”
“Perhaps … I bet you want one now don’t you?”
“Oh yeah,” the penny dropped inside as I remembered the obvious guilty pleasure I’d had for many years glaring me in the face. I sniggered slightly at my previous and rather pretentious thought pattern and how I’d almost completely missed the point of the conversation and what the group meant by guilty pleasures. I guessed that despite my belief to the contrary, every action I thought I no longer attached guilt to was in essence still a guilty pleasure. It was just the sensations of guilt and pleasure had combined to exist in a place where (if used in moderation) they were both positively enriching and balanceable in my experience. It was time to own up to this.
“Of course!” I released. “How could I forget … my biggest guilty pleasure has got to be smoking. Yep, I do love a good smoke now and again.”
“Got it in one,” smiled Levah with a proud yet compassionate air, sensing the slight recalibration of perspective I was feeling inside.
“Why do you think we feel guilty about such things though?” quizzed Thea in Levah’s direction.
“Because deep down we know that what we’re doing or consuming isn’t good for us,” responded Levah.
“But why do we persist in doing these things if we know they’re not good for us?” inquired Thea.
“The ease of comfort they facilitate I suppose,” I interrupted truthfully, speaking personally towards my occasional smoking habit. “The contentment, stillness and ease of losing oneself in sensation or reflection for a while. I find I don’t worry when I smoke … that’s why it appeals to me so much, so why would I deny myself the lightness of that experience now and again when I know that if I can keep mindful control of not overusing or abusing its assistance in my life, then I’ll be able to balance its negative side effects inside of me with relative ease.”
“I like that analogy,” added Rowen. “It’s like you’re saying that we know our actions are ‘bad’ but if used within moderation and respect, what they actually fulfil for us will always positively outweigh the negative. Although for me it isn’t worry that I’m trying to escape … it’s avoiding the apathy and ‘why do I bother’ feelings that creep into me now and then when I get tired. I find I need that energy pick up.”
“To fill a sense of emptiness for me,” said Thea in an exceedingly open and brunt manner.
“That’s pretty heavy reasoning guys,” joked Levah. “I just eat chocolate because I like it.”
“Liar!” I interjected in semi-ruthless support. “You love the ‘happy feeling’ endorphins eating chocolate gives you!”
“That too,” she winked. “It definitely perks me up when I’m starting to feel low anyway. It’s just a shame all these things are bad for us out of moderation. Life would be so much easier to navigate if we could rely on them all the time.”
“Isn’t everything bad for us out of moderation though?” said Thea. “Try and name one thing … even natural ‘healthy’ things, that doesn’t lose its assisting benefits when overused.”
“Water?” said Levah quizzically, without really thinking.
“Drinking too much water can kill you! Also, have you heard of a little thing called drowning?”
“Oh yeah … of course! Clearly not then!”
“Meditation?” asked Rowen.
“Yeah … maybe … but then again, as wonderful as it may or may not feel to us to sit around meditating all day every day, if we all did this wouldn’t we all become too inward and miss the point of experiencing life? We’re here to create and experience reality in its full booming glory after all, aren’t we?”
“True,” agreed Rowen.
“Anymore ideas?” continued Thea.
“What about things like Joy, Oneness, Peace and Belonging?” I inquired slowly. “Surely we can’t have too much of these sorts of things.”
“Of course not,” agreed Thea. “But I think they’re concepts that don’t fall into the category of actions that can be moderated. I’m afraid they’re way too abstract suggestions for this conversation!” she shook her head playfully. “This is about the physical stuff of humanity we use to find such states of being.”
“Oh, I get ya,” I nodded, understanding her reasoning. “I’m all out of ideas then! Everything physical must be bad for us in one way or another when used out of moderation.”
“So, surely everything is a guilty pleasure then?” said Rowen, beginning to sound rather confused by it all. “Perhaps we’re concluding that life’s just one big guilty pleasure!”
“This is spiralling beyond me,” ushered Levah in a similar confused manner to the rest of us.
“Me too. Fancy a smoke to calm yourself?” I interjected lightly to the sound of hearty laughter as our collective confusion diminished inside itself.
“Depends,” responded Levah. “Can I get a coffee, a bar of fine dark chocolate and a pair of Thea’s shoes to go with it?”
“Now that’s quite the image,” pictured Thea. “You look like a right overindulgent madam.”
“It’s funny though, isn’t it?” I continued. “What we think is right and wrong for ourselves and each other that is, because being healthy and balanced is such a subjective thing and that despite knowing this, so many of still believe that we hold the secret of balance for everyone else, when in fact I reckon that all we really have is the secret of balance for ourselves.”
“How do you mean?” enquired Thea.
“I mean, I don’t think there’s a set way to be healthy and balanced in life. That as a culture we’re almost too obsessed by following what other people think is good for us that we forget to listen to the only one that really knows what we need … ourselves!”
“But surely guidance is a good thing,” challenged Rowen.
“Yeah sure,” I countered. “But I don’t think I’m disputing that. I’m saying that such guidance should be followed and integrated intuitively inside the individual, not just blindly followed by jumping into new fads, practices, diets or products one after the other without thinking if they’re actually what our bodies need to thrive. I think we need to be aware of the knowledge that just because something works for another person or group of people, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’ll work for us if it’s not what our bodies innately need to function efficiently, balance and heal themselves. It doesn’t matter how great the product or practice is supposed to be, I think that if it doesn’t truly resonate with us, then we shouldn’t use it. Simple as. Do you know what I mean?”
“Absolutely … I think I do anyway!” nodded Thea to my delight, squashing more arising doubts that I’d perhaps taken my ramble too far. “Around the time Rowen and I met, I used to be a bit of a super food and supplement nut. If I’m honest, I’d have to say to that I nearly lost myself in it too. I’d find myself trying everything I could get my hands on, always searching out the healthiest, most life enriching products, only to continuously find myself discovering something else that was supposed to be about a hundred times more efficient at cleansing my soul than anything else I’d tried before.”
“Did you find that any of them ever worked for you?” I asked.
“No … not really,” she shrugged. “In the long run, it all probably made me even more unbalanced. But I suppose at the time, I never really investigated the true effects of what I was doing deep enough to find out what worked and what didn’t. I just took, ate and drank them and then just expected to be healthy and vibrant. It definitely wasn’t the products fault though, they all came from mother earth’s larder and I’m sure their benefits were brilliant if used by the right people in the right way. However, deep down, I know that none of them ever really served me because at the time I wasn’t listening to what my body wanted.”
“What do you do now?”
“She’s gone the complete opposite direction!” butted in Rowen rather proudly. “She only listens to herself now.”
“Well, not all the time,” said Thea humbly. “Learning to listen to myself is a long old journey to take, but I’m sure as hell getting there! Tuning into what I, my body and most importantly, what my cells want is the best way forward for me and it’s the only way of health I’d ever recommend to anyone else. I’m done with listening to others about what’s best for me and not holding absolute ownership over my health and balance.”
“Don’t you think that it’s hard to do all the time though?” quizzed Levah, as I contemplated what Thea had just said, her words resonating strongly inside my own cells.
“That’s where the wonder of guilty pleasures comes in though, isn’t it?” smiled Thea. “We’re told that the things we feel guilty about doing are bad for us by others and that’s why we feel guilty about them. But thinking about it, doesn’t too much guilt perhaps contradict our ability to trust what we need in that particular moment to balance ourselves, even if it is deemed bad by others? Perhaps, what’s bad for them is good for us! For me, it should always be about how my body responds and feels after doing something, not what my mind thinks it will do to me because others have said so.”
“But what about when others offer you something that you know doesn’t resonate with you and will cause you to become unbalanced,” continued Levah’s insightful questioning.
“It depends what’s being offered really. If it’s a snack or something that they’re offering me out of politeness, I usually find a way to respectfully decline. However, if someone offers me or has taken the time to prepare me a meal or experience, then I’d always accept it gratefully, unless of course, the reaction I’d have to eating or partaking in that particular meal would be acutely negative or life threatening. I think it’s really important to be grateful for what we’re offered by others and relish sharing their experience.”
“Do you not feel bad afterwards?”
“Sometimes, yes, I can definitely feel a little unbalanced at times after, but it’s never anything that I can’t bring back into line when I’m back alone with myself. I find remembering the gratitude of acceptance always helps this.”
“I really like that,” I nodded, not wishing to push the brilliance of what she’d just brought to light any deeper. “Seems like a rather fitting moment to suggest dessert.”
“Sounds like a great idea to me!” nodded Thea back at me, her face tightening in approval as Levah and Rowen likewise mumbled their willingness for dessert also. “I’d better get fixing it then!”
“Need a hand?” asked Levah.
“That would be great.”
“I’m going to nip to the toilet as well,” said Rowen. “Sorry to leave you alone buddy, but I can’t help it. It’s what my cells are telling me to do.”
“How can I argue with that,” I said assuredly as they all stood and made their way inside.
As they did so, I reached to my jackets inner pocket and pulled out the rolling tobacco pouch and lighter from inside. Having pre-rolled one earlier that day specifically for this very moment; I lit it and let out a long exhalation of smoke over the fire. This definitely was my guilty pleasure.
Inside of my next inhalation, I found myself beginning to reflect over what we’d just discussed. It was certainly a hard one for us to talk around because, as we’d discussed, on the surface it all seemed such an incredibly subjective and individual topic of experience. Because of this subjectivity, I couldn’t help but get the feeling that the deeper layers of the place we were all trying to reach were perhaps too personally complex for us all to talk around together inside of our group dynamic. It didn’t seem to matter though because for me, Thea’s agreed upon conclusion suggested that we were all innately on the same page anyway.
Suffice to say that it’s here then, somewhere inside these first few layers of knowingness that we’ve meandered through, which opens me up to be able to start idea four. Idea four has two parts really; however within its role for facilitating a collectively balanced and peaceful humanity, I’d always choose to group them together under one idea and then break them down further after that.
Idea four: Connecting with the immediate micro and macrocosm of full co-creative awareness.
As hard as they still are to bring into being in my life, I must say that the essence of the first three ideas has completely shifted the way I emotionally connect to my reality. By gently uniting my ever deepening allowance of acceptance and compassion for all that is, with my evolving sense of love and honour for the oneness of being and my embrace of the co-creative conundrum that is my reality, these ideas have ultimately shown me how they all connect and co-operate with each other to help facilitate the balanced and peaceful human experience I see possible. This amalgamation of perspective has, as a result, opened me up to glimpsing the possibility of idea four. I call this co-operation, ‘opening up to full co-creative awareness’, an extension of perception that transcends the perspective of who, what and how self-awareness is perceived and places it ever so slightly deeper inside the co-creative spectrum of existential reality.
Now, it must be known that I’m not talking here about us adjusting the grander pictures of existence we all uniquely hold inside ourselves because at the end of the day, it’s really none of my business what you believe in the grander scopes of universal existence! Instead, I’m suggesting that humanity is now able to collectively tweak the image of what it sees and connects to in the spaces around it, namely within the areas of life we all share in being human and can actively feel and be part of inside our everyday experiences. As is such, I believe we all hold the potential to start gently stepping out into and adjusting our perceptions of a) our co-creative awareness of the immediate microcosm of the cellular body … and, b) our co-creative awareness of the immediate macrocosm of the earth.
Before moving our conversation deeper into discussing these two parts of co-creative awareness however, I feel we need to take a moment and go general in our thoughts about the co-creative process.
I’m sure many of us have heard notions such as ‘we are what we think’ or ‘our thoughts create our realities’, indeed like many spiritual or ‘new age’ ideas the concept of co-creation (or law of attraction as it may be widely referred to) is relatively mainstream in its reach. In short, human beings put out the intent for what they want to be or have in their lives and then place themselves emotionally within alignment in order to receive it. Life then responds and manifests that intent into being, guiding us towards its attainment through the course of intuition and synchronicity. An almost stupendously straightforward system one might think and one would be smart in such an observation because from a spiritual standpoint, it’s really this uncomplicated!
It’s the being human part that complicates it all for us really because being human means that we want to intellectualise, logicise and compartmentalise everything inside our individual boxes of reality before we’ll truly believe them to be real. We want to know the hows and the wheres and the whys, and we find it difficult when such logic isn’t available to us. As a result many of us continuously dabble our toes in and out of believing our co-creative capacities, but still find it hard to wholeheartedly immerse ourselves in the journey of remembering how we can physically actualise and live within them. As a result of this, we find that our tentativeness often shines through into our creations as we do no more than tentatively create our lives. What’s more (as we outlined in Idea 3), many of us find it difficult welcoming the entire spectrum of our experience into our co-creative perceptions because there are still so many things that we don’t believe we’re part of creating. This is because it’s far more comfortable for us to say that a process is real if we linearly create into being that which we linearly perceive we’ve intended to create into being. Likewise, it’s much easier to accept that we’re responsible for creating all the ‘good’ things we experience because such linearity and ‘goodness’ fits very well into our boxes of understanding and perceptions of experiential hierarchy. However, although such creative experiences are clearly a massive part of the co-creative process we’re in, it’s so easily forgotten that our co-creative intent is ultimately designed to create our lives in manifested alignment with the experiential flow of actualising our beings highest potentials. This means that much of our live’s physical manifestations are and will continue to be presented to us in ways set to evolve our intent in being (both conscious and unconscious) the most and will not always be directly presented to us in the ways we linearly believed we wanted to see them.
This is one of the main difficulties I hold with many of the mainstream notions of law of attraction (with no disregards to the filters they’ve come through for they’ve innately served their purpose of raising awareness) because for me they seem to encourage us to place experiential hierarchy over our manifested experience. In my eyes, the goal of humanity right now is to create balance and peace inside of a collectively unbalanced world; it isn’t to run blindly towards a creative perception of linearity and ‘goodness’ that we’re not ready (or able) to create, whilst we push every other experiential form out of the way. We still have so much to evolve from and transcend out of and in order to do this we need to find acceptance to and balance and peace within all our self-created experiences of unbalance. We cannot simply ignore and resist parts of our lives whilst yearning to create or be something else that we perceive as being better. Instead, we must look to greet our entire experience without resistance to it, all the while accepting in our hearts that it’s our intent (be it conscious or unconscious) that’s created the experiences so.
Although so many of us still find great difficulty in understanding and creating resonance to the co-creative process, we now need to be brave and seek to immerse ourselves in trusting its wisdom in our day-to-day lives (regardless of whether we find it logical or not) because logic is the ultimate repressor of true, unadulterated co-creation. Through creation of such trust however, we (rather ironically I might add) open ourselves up towards actually gaining a better logical understanding of the processes we’re in. As a result of this, we begin to believe in order to see and believing in order to see is where our co-creative awareness can really start coming into its own, taking us gently by the hand and inviting us to get to know the co-creative processes around us a little bit better. Through this increased familiarity, we create experiential belief of the concept of co-creation, both working with and becoming part of the nature of the intent, intuition and synchronicity we used to believe we we’re separated from.
The profound co-operation of full co-creative awareness goes so much deeper than we can ever imagine, let alone bring to form. We’re not merely magicians simply waving our magic creative wands out towards a gift giving universe that’s separate from us. We are the magicians yes, but we’re also the wands, the universe and everything else in-between. As esoteric as this may sound, we need to start trusting the profundity of such co-creative oneness. Trust it, know it, believe it and then put our awareness of it to the test to help the answers we seek come into being. By leaning into the light that such belief creates, we’ll start bridging the gap between ourselves and the universe by shifting our co-creative awareness out of ourselves and into the micro and macro perspective and as a result, we’ll start to sense how such perspectives intuitively communicate with us, as well as how we intuitively communicate with them and ultimately, how we can meld further inside synchronistic flow with them in order to create the balanced and peaceful realities we all innately desire.
There’s no jumping in the deep end here and we must remember that we need to ease ourselves, step by step, into total immersion. Our conscious perception can and should only shift itself one step at a time so as not to be overwhelmed, and I believe this begins by stepping out to greet the new perspectives of co-creative awareness that lay in our immediate vicinities. Specifically here within part a) then, that step comes in how we become aware of, communicate, balance and co-create with the microcosm of the cellular body.
a) Co-creative awareness of the immediate microcosm of the cellular body
The cellular body is alive with infinite wisdom and information. I’m sure we’re all aware of this in one way or another, however it’s here that I’d like us to start considering and challenging something that perhaps we haven’t thought about considering and challenging before. It’s common knowledge to humanity that our bodies are made up of cells, trillions and trillions of cells which form part of a collective team of networks and systems that make up the physical beings we call home. Working together inside every facet of our physical and emotional experience, from how we digest our food, to our neurochemical balance and our ability to heal and fight infections, the cellular body is the building blocks of our physical realities, forever assisting us with life in the most incredible and unbelievable of ways.
I think it’s a fairly safe bet to say that a present collective belief is that the cellular body is subservient to the brain, always in autonomous motion of its predestined purpose of bodily equilibrium and evolutionary shift. In a way we’d be right to place this bet because essentially, keeping our body as alive and as balanced as possible in the face of change, is exactly what every cell within us strives to do. It’s here inside this belief then that I’d like our challenge of awareness to begin. We must ask ourselves: ‘Do we really believe that the brain is the only part of us that openly communicates with and controls the rest of the cellular body, whilst the rest of the cellular body just shuts up and takes its orders? Have we really become so egocentric to believe that the place where we perceive that our mind originates from is the sole mediator of our inter-bodily communication? Do we really believe that our cells are just mindless, unconscious and unaware drones here to serve our biological evolution without themselves being an aware part of the co-creative process they’re in?’
Or, is it now possible to challenge ourselves and open our belief systems up to the possibility of a new idea that believes that the cellular body, not just the brain, is a conscious, interconnected entity that we as the compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness are always in co-creative co-operation with. That indeed we, our consciousness and the cellular body are and always have been one. If we can see this so then, could it also be possible to believe that we hold the power to communicate with, influence and be influenced by the cellular body’s conceptual awareness as we move through the flow of our co-creative lives in search of balance and peace?
It’s my belief within Idea Four that our cells (each and every one of them) hold a conceptual awareness of their own that already innately knows the co-creative intent of who and what we are and that these cells are always communicating with us intuitively through our senses (whether we stimulate them or not), telling us what they require of us, for us, to thrive both physically and emotionally in the world, whilst at the same time continuously reacting to how we communicate with them (whether we’re aware of it or not). I feel that this idea of expanded cellular awareness is open to us all to start embracing if we want it to be and that all we need to do to activate such awareness in our lives is create enough space within ourselves to innately start sensing and communicating with our bodies’ conceptual wisdom.
Keeping all this in mind then, I must say that I’m so often baffled by the notion that we can have a disease or imbalance inside our body and not be the first ones to know about it. Seriously, think about it rationally for a moment. How can we hold an imbalance of any nature inside of us and believe that the cellular body is holding out on such vital information about our well-being? It doesn’t make any sense that it should be this way. It’s our body! It’s aware of what’s happening to us, so common sense should dictate that our consciousness should as well! I see no logic whatsoever in the belief that we should be walking blindly when it comes to being completely aware of what’s going on inside of us and what we need to do to realign into balance.
To meet this challenge, we need to find a way to tune back into and rediscover our body’s modes of communication and this comes first by waking up to why we’ve become unaware to it in the first place and in my opinion, there can really only be one reason for this. One naughty reason that seems to always be at the root of every distraction of awareness we must contend with. Drum roll please … yep you got it … Ego. There’s still way too much noise and manipulation of belief blocking our ability to truly sense and reconnect with the cellular body because we’re always too busy listening to all the nonsense that our egos constantly throw at us. On top of such egoic distraction, the vast majority of us also don’t even realise that it’s even possible to believe, let alone actually believe, that such cellular awareness and communication is possible. We’ve only been taught and encouraged to adhere to trusting what we can intellectually prove or collectively agree upon from the outside, not what we can discern and discover for ourselves on the in. Therein lays our mission here, it’s time for us to start discernibly believing for ourselves again.
Personally, I’ve found that I needed to try and free myself from the constraints of always trying to prove what I was doing as an acceptable way of being. That when it came to my personal co-creation and existential beliefs, I needed to wholeheartedly trust that my discernment should always take reverence over collectively accepted ideas or proof, especially if such beliefs could be truly actualised and understood in my experience without harm or foul to another. For me this isn’t delusion, far from it, it’s the discovery of ones innate capacity for expanded awareness in co-creative being.
Consider this for a moment. In the past, human beings didn’t even know about the presence of cells and bacteria until microscopes were invented, proving them into existence. Before microscopes, we believed that there was no life smaller than the sum of the human body and if someone had presented us with the intuitive notion that the body was made up of trillions of tiny reproducing organisms working tirelessly to keep it alive and in balance with its environment, we’d probably have stared at them blankly or laughed their crazy arses out of the room. So what’s to say that we haven’t ‘invented’ the apparatus we need to see and prove this deeper theory of co-creative awareness and cellular body communication yet? Indeed, it may be so that our perceptions are the only apparatus we require.
So, how can we tune our co-creative awareness back into the cellular body and prove this idea to ourselves then? As much as I’d love to be in a position to tell you the answer, the truth is I cannot, because at the end of the day, it’s up to you and you alone to discover, discern and actualise the ways you go about remembering your own innate truths. Ultimately, my medicine isn’t yours and there’s no regime, programme or set of steps that will generically work for us all. We can of course continue to openly share and creatively discuss our ways with each other if we so choose, however, I feel it’s important to stop mimicking others success solely on the premise that its working for them and start finding out what works for us, even if no one else is doing it. All that matters at the beginning is the belief and the intent that sits behind it, the linearities will follow.
As is such, I see that there are so many ways for us to go about approaching this and that nothing is right or wrong as long as we find that it resonates with us. For me personally though, to really start tuning into my body, I’ve found that I needed to evolve my ways of egoic disintegration and start extending this awareness out into mindful remembrance and application inside the present moment of my everyday experience. Inside such states of awareness, I’ve found that not only can I create spaces to connect and communicate with my cellular body, but I also gain insight into the intuitive sensations that my body uses to communicate its innate co-creative wisdom with me on a moment to moment basis.
I believe that the form and method of initially creating such mindful spaces can be done in so many unique and colourful ways. Be it through meditation, cooking, exercise, practising mindfulness whilst washing up, painting, prayer, fishing, writing, playing sports, surfing, playing or listening to music, holistic healing, swimming, working with our passions, certain state altering mediums, walking in nature, knitting, joining an ashram or becoming a monk, playing with children, chanting, crafting, building; you name it, whatever our unique human being requires to start tuning into itself, if it works and is blessed with the pure intent of inner discovery and medicinal balance, then it’s a way. As I said before, the way we choose really doesn’t matter, what does is how our intent utilises and melds with our actions to create the catalytic spaces inside our experience which help us remember that which we wish to know.
By consciously creating such intent filled spaces, I’ve found that I’ve gifted myself the ability to tune back into and remember my innate bodily connections and as a result, I’ve noticed that my intent has slowly started expanding its remembrance out into the places where I need it the most, namely inside my present experience of day-to-day life. This has been perhaps the hardest adjustment of all because when it comes to co-creative awareness and intuitive communication in one’s everyday life, the egoic mind tends to be at its most potent, almost never shutting up with its incessant opinions and contradictions, making it an uphill struggle to sense what the body’s saying. There’s definitely a tremendous battle when it comes to ego and truth, isn’t there? That the closer one comes to the truth of the now, the more ego will kick, scream and deceive to remain in control. I suppose it’s one of egos last defences against the light that we hold, a defence that rather ironically can act as one of our biggest clues to knowing who we should trust. Thus, if the ego is screaming, I feel we must be brave and trust exactly what it’s screaming against. Ego doesn’t want us to know the truth of cellular body awareness and our co-creative communication with it, because in the light of such benevolent wisdom, ego’s control over us will diminish even further.
It must be known that we don’t always have to listen to or indeed work intuitively with the cellular body if we choose not to though. That the free choice of the human means the final decision will always remain ours and sometimes we may find that, in the present moment, the hedonistic experience we’re presented with outweighs the need for experiential balance and sometimes there’s nothing wrong with that. Indeed sometimes, partaking in hedonistic experience can be more beneficial to us than not. We’re here to experience after all and besides, if we’re not hurting ourselves or others, I feel that little doses of mindful hedonism are always something that we can realign without significant lasting damage.
What’s more, we still need to live within the balance of our reality as it is now and we shouldn’t blindly turn ourselves to and run towards the light. Instead, as the metaphor presents itself, we must gently illuminate ourselves from the dark, match by match and candle by candle and this all starts by finding our own way to remember our mindful, compassionate and accepting centres that are at co-creative peace with the oneness of existence. Then and only then will the deeper innate connections and realisations of full co-creative awareness and intuitive communication begin to come forth and make themselves known in our experience.
Remembering such omnipresent inner awareness and connection in everything one does in life is a real challenge and we must remember that it’ll take a life time of ever evolving commitment (if not more) to allow it to come to be. What’s more, we mustn’t forget that at the end of the day, there’s no target of ultimate achievement to reach and that as we continue to evolve and shift ourselves into new points of awareness, so will our points of awareness continue to evolve and shift themselves anew. We must also try to never rest on our laurels that one thing we do will work forever and keep ourselves open and committed to change, embracing the notion that normality as we think we know it has gone out the window forever. Even then though, we must try to remain respectful to the feeling that we’ve still only scratched the surface of what’s conceivable to us now.
This is heavy information. Let’s take a breather and come back in a bit. I have time, the others are all still inside.
Thinking about it though, one ‘to do’ I feel I can suggest is to remind you that communication with the cellular body works both ways and although (whether we’re in tune with them or not) the cellular body is always intuitively communicating its needs with us, it must be remembered that we’re also always communicating our needs with it. What’s more, unlike us, the cellular body is always available to listen, responding and adapting itself to our omnipresent will inside every waking moment. Believing that this is such, I thus feel that this direction of communication is perhaps a little easier for us to work with and understand from a collective perspective. Indeed for me, learning how to trust and initiate communication with my cellular body was the catalyst which enabled me to start hearing, responding and co-creating with its intuitive communication towards me much more effectively.
The cellular body is innately listening and responding to every message we give it. Be it positive or negative, thought or feeling, loud or quiet or with ego or awareness; it constantly takes instruction from our beliefs about ourselves, always endeavouring to actualise them to the highest experiential degree in our physical and emotional experiences. It trusts that we, as the piece of ‘higher’ co-creative awareness to it, know what’s best for us without question (even if we don’t), benevolently creating the intuitive insights, responses and opportunities, be them deemed positive or negative, that suit our intent’s co-creative attainment.
Put simply, whatever we affirm most to ourselves, we also affirm to our cells (I like the synchronistic rhyme there!) Whether it’s through our direct use of language, our thoughts and emotions or simply our day-to-day assumptions and beliefs about who and what we are, we’re always working as a team with the cellular body; a team who we as the guiding conscious presence hold creative reverence over. Seeing this so, I’ve come to the conclusion that consciously working on how I talk with and affirm to my cellular body’s awareness holds the key to connecting with and staying connected with it.
I believe that affirmations are tools that we all can start using with relative ease, being accessible to every single one of us regardless of how our unique human filters, beliefs and use of language present themselves. In my eyes, they’re a truly profound gift to us, because although it’s still very early days in discovering the language of how the cellular body speaks to us, we’re so very, very blessed with the fact that the cellular body can already speak the language of us fluently. What we have to keep in mind with affirmations though, is how specific and precise we must be with our language when we use them, because the cellular body hears and follows how we talk with ourselves literally, every word and inner belief we use resonating with it as the truth of who we are and what we want. Thus, in order to speak with the cellular body in the purest and clearest ways possible, we need to eliminate all sense of negativity, hope, need and want (no matter how positive we believe such senses to be) from our internal and external dialogues. If all we present to the cellular body is negativity, hope, need and want; what the cellular body is going to pick up on is that we’re an individual full of negativity, hope, need and want and that’s exactly what it’ll help create for us. As it is in the concept of co-creation, your wish is my command, one could say.
Instead of this then, we need to start affirming to ourselves in ways that instruct the cellular body to create and be as if we already are or have what we’re affirming to it inside the present moment. Are you with me on this? We must affirm and truly feel as if it’s something that already exists for us now, not as if it’s something that we’re ‘working on’ or ‘one day’ will come to be. If we affirm something as in progress or living in the future, then in essence, it will always remain in the future, not with us inside the now.
Do you remember a memory of mine from before the girls were born? A memory where we created a timeless sphere of existence and positioned it on top of a metaphoric hill of our co-creative lives? If you do, please try and place yourself back in that timeless sphere when envisioning this new concept. By positioning ourselves inside the present moment of our realities, we create a space where we’re no longer separate from anything. Everything that is, has been and is yet to come to be simply becomes all that we are right here, right now. In this place, hope, want and need cannot exist; all that can is a benevolent knowingness that sees what and where it is now. It’s inside this place of omnipresent isness that we should affirm. Be it out loud or inside ourselves (whichever feels best), we should affirm that which we wish to be or create with our body as if it already exists for us. We must say: I AM healthy. I AM energetic. I AM in tune with my body’s innate intuition. I SENSE my cellular awareness. I TRUST my body’s guidance. I AM so grateful that I have ______ in my life. And so forth. We must say it as directly as possible as if we already live it, even if we’ve no experience of it in our reality. This is how the cellular body both hears and works with us and how our intent extends itself out into co-creative awareness of the immediate microcosm and helps manifest our realities. What we choose to affirm to the cellular body really doesn’t matter, what does is the purity and the positivity of the intent behind our awareness, an intent which unifies our instructions and the cellular body as both being an innate part of who we are now inside of the present moment.
Our ways and methods of being in the present moment and finding space to affirm are uniquely individual and every day, indeed every moment, can require completely different sets of affirmations and ways of affirming. As is such, we must try to remain open and sensitive to our ever changing environmental needs, knowing that our methods will continue to shift and evolve as we do and that there’s really no ‘normal’ way to go about it, only our way. We’ll find that such affirmative power spills out into all aspects of co-creative awareness (including our connection to the immediate macro perspective) and we must feel free to use our affirmations to communicate with such processes how we choose. However, I don’t see any better place to start than firstly affirming to ourselves that we have the healthy, intuitive, vibrant bodies we need to step out further into our light and co-create collective balance with the highest potential of our lives. What a gift to ourselves and to humanity such a possibility would be.
It almost sounds too simple to be true, but as I have said about other processes and will no doubt say again, although it sounds (and is) simple, in these times it certainly isn’t easy! It takes practice and considerable conscious dedication to come to grips with, especially as in our day-to-day experiences we still constantly battle our logical and egoic minds as they continually seek to contradict everything that the pure intent of our affirmations have set in motion. The most challenging part of this process (whether we sit in awareness of it or not) is that the cellular body respond to all modes of communication we give to it (be it positive or negative, or with pure or egoic intent) and right now, the vast majority of us don’t sit in positions of complete unattached awareness to how we talk with and affirm to ourselves inside every moment of our lives.
The cellular body is always listening and the communication is always there. This means that we can’t just put aside a few mindful moments a day where we talk positive to ourselves and then fall back into old patterns of unobserved negativity for the rest of the day. We may have been led to believe that in regards to co-creative intent this is all we need to do, however we’re mistaken in this belief because the co-creative mediums around us will always respond the greatest to that which we affirm to ourselves and our realities the most. Therefore, we must try and be mindful towards how we communicate with ourselves all of the time and this is tough. The wonderful thing inside this challenge though, is that once we strike the first match of discovery and begin our journey of consciously illuminating, observing and changing how we talk with and affirm to the cellular body; we’ll find ourselves almost effortlessly evolving into it, creating brighter light to illuminate our way as our journey becomes almost like its own self-fulfilling prophecy, taking us by the hand and walking us forward towards deeper discovery at every available opportunity.
By affirming our ability to understand the cellular body’s modes of communication and positioning ourselves in as mindful a space as possible to hear its response, we ultimately open the gateway to connecting deeper with our co-creative cellular awareness and, perhaps more importantly, remaining connected to it. As a result, our body will respond by guiding us to knowing what’s best for us to do, eat and reaffirm to heal and balance ourselves and in turn continue creating the vibrant and energetic home we deserve to have. A home whose awareness holds a far greater potential to remember and remain in tune with the compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness that it innately is. If we allow it to be so, this connective, self-fulfilling response will only continue to breathe increasingly more light into our experience, creating new pathways of reaction in our daily lives that honour our new perspective of co-creative awareness and gradually replace our logical scepticism and egoic negativity towards ourselves with the new co-creative certainty of our affirmations. Basically, we’ll find ourselves remembering and coming back to the truth of ourselves (and our cells) more and more, and nothing our egoic or logical mind can do will change that. Such remembrance will only continue to make itself stronger.
It’s such a stunning process and one that’s available for us to be part of right here and now if we choose it to be. It’s time for us to take responsibility for our own bodies, to stop listening to what others think is best for us to do and be and discover what works best for us. We are the masters and guides of our bodies, our health and our balance and no one else can ever come close to being what we are for ourselves. I’m not saying that we must immediately negate or abandon the external processes that we use now, more so I believe that we need to integrate them into the discoveries we make about our own abilities. In these times of great shift, I believe that everything still has its place; it just needs to be witnessed through a discerned eye that knows what’s best for itself.
For example, if I suddenly stepped out of my flow, slipped and badly burnt myself in the fire that I sit in front of, right now nothing other than going to the hospital for treatment of my injuries would help me better. I’d be a fool to think I could affirm or holistically heal myself better at such an acute stage. This is where western medicine really comes into its own, by coming to the aid of the acute suffering that comes to us as a result of us stepping out of our co-creative flow. It’s my belief however, that the more we expand our co-creative awareness and surrender ourselves to our ever deepening perspective of co-creative flow, then the less acute suffering we’ll experience and the less external help in alleviating it we’ll require. Remember, as I keep saying, all it takes is one match of light in a darkened room to send darkness fleeing to the corners. Darkness cannot penetrate light and as long as we can hold our light of remembrance, it cannot touch us, ever! What’s more, when we hold the light, not only do we illuminate and start intuitively working with what’s around us in a more efficient way, but we also see ourselves better too and in doing so, open these selves to creating balance, vibrancy and longevity in our lives.
In time, I feel that we have the potential to become our own medical intuitives, our own nutritionists and our own health gurus; individuals who can intuitively sense what their unique bodies need to thrive and balance themselves from all the physical and emotional imbalances we suffer from. We’ll know what’s best for us to eat, which medical or holistic practices to be part of and how and when to exercise. Ultimately, we’ll start trusting and placing complete responsibility for our well-being in ourselves no matter what the cellular body requires of us and in due course, be it months, years or lifetimes; we’ll find that we no longer need to turn to anyone other than ourselves and our cells to create balance in our bodies.
This is the future of us if we want it to be. To begin opening ourselves up to the co-creative awareness of the cellular body and allow its benevolent co-operation to start creating and balancing our physical and emotional body so that we can begin to thrive within it. Imagine how different the world would be if we all could open ourselves up to this possibility. Imagine the collective balance we could create by first going inside and balancing ourselves. I can’t help but hold excitement in the prospect of knowing that we’ve already begun.
This however my friends, is only the beginning of a much deeper journey. Our DNA (the building blocks of the cellular body, of life and the next magnification of the micro) has steadily evolved to its present vibration at 34% efficiency (depending on which source you adhere to), a 34% percent that’s given cause to so much evolutionary shift already. Can we really believe that opening to working with the co-creative awareness of the cellular body makes up the remaining 66% when we know what’s been accomplished with only 34%? I think not. I think there’s so much more to conceptually conceive and believe into being when it comes to the microcosm of our co-creative awareness and what’s discoverable for us on the inside. Not that I can see it clearly here and now though. Here and now, it’s all just an inconceivable blur, a paradox that’s not quite ready to be explored. It matters not. I’m just so grateful that I can see into the potentials of the few percentiles ahead of me, potentials that are conceivable to my being and liveable in my life right now. Indeed, I can already see them begin blossoming in humanity and I know that what’s next will become clearer when we’re all available to see it. It’s without doubt an incredibly exciting time to be alive.
I can dwell no longer on this, nor do I wish to. Someone’s returning to the fireside and I must return my attention to be with them.
“Having a cheeky ciggy, are we?” came Rowen’s voice from behind me to the left.
“Two actually!” I winked at my friend as I threw the cigarette end into the fire.
“You crazy cat!” he eased, sitting down beside me.
“Where’ve you been? That was a rather long toilet break? I feel like I’ve been sitting out here for ages! Are they making dessert?”
“Yeah, they’ve just started preparing it now. I got caught watching a silly internet clip with them on my way back out here. One about a baby monkey riding backwards on a baby pig … Levah said you’d know it! I still have the theme song running through my head!”
“Oh so do I now! Gah … that woman of mine … of course I know it! Every time I forget about it she shows the clip or tells someone else about it and the theme song comes flying back into my head again. It takes hours for me to dislodge it sometimes … will probably hear it as I drift off tonight!”
“It is rather amusing though.”
“Yeah sure, it’s funny … the first couple of times! But after the novelty wears off, it just becomes an omnipresent barrage of infectious noise. Shows the power of a good jingle I suppose. I’m glad it’s not an advertisement.”
“Yeah right! I’d bet you’d have loads of baby monkeys and pigs running around the place if it was.”
“Oh don’t! I think Milly and Alara would actually love that reality. Indeed, come to think of it I think they were the ones that showed the clip to Levah in the first place. They certainly all know how to keep me on my toes that’s for sure.”
“You’d never want it any other way though, would you?”
“Not at all,” I turned and looked at him warmly in the eyes. “You know me well.”
As our spark of brotherly recognition ignited inside of each other, our gaze was suddenly broken by the shrill screech of an owl in the not too distant forest. We both looked up in semi-startled fascination as its cry fortuitously sent the newly created monkey pig song hurtling out of my head and off into the echoes of the land.
“That’s such a primal sound,” whispered Rowen. “Puts everything into perspective so easily.”
“Too right!” I whispered back, my mind clear and present again, the baby monkey jingle nowhere to be seen. “Old mother earth is such a powerful being.”
“Do you really think that?”
“That mother earth is a being?”
“I suppose I do mate,” I replied hesitantly, unsure of how much of my belief I should release, having not ventured into this territory with Rowen before.
“It’s okay buddy,” reassured Rowen, sensing my uncertainty. “I believe it too.”
“How so?” I asked with intrigue.
“That’s a tough one to answer,” he sighed fatefully. “But I suppose I’m just beginning to realise that I’m part of something much bigger than myself, in a far deeper way than I ever knew possible. Do you know what I mean? It’s like I feel like I’m becoming part of the earth in the same way that all that makes up my body is part of me. It’s hard to explain … I haven’t really had the opportunity to explain my thoughts about it to anyone else other than Thea before, so my explanation is a bit rusty.”
“That’s perfectly understandable, it’s not the usual everyday topic of conversation,” I comforted. “I love what you just said about us being part of the earth in a much deeper way than we realise though … I really resonate with that notion! I tend to think of it in a way that sees us almost like the cells of the earth.”
“That’s a cool analogy,” he replied, nodding his head. “Yeah … I like it! That’s exactly what I mean too. Can I borrow it?”
“It’s all yours.”
“Cheers! I find it really interesting that so many of us believe that we’re made up of cells on the inside, but aren’t aware of the idea that we could be part of something bigger than us in exactly the same way.”
“There are many who believe it to be so in one way or another though mate.”
“You think so?”
“Sure! I see its wisdom so prevalent in the older traditions and belief systems of the planet that are still alive and kicking with us today. It’s cool because so many are beginning to modernise and evolve the concept’s ways into new traditions and systems that fit into the form of modern reality. Hell, even the beautiful rationalities of science are having a pop at making sense of it.”
“In what way?”
“Have you heard of the Gaia theory?”
“No, but the name rings a bell.”
“It’s a good name, isn’t it?”
“Yeah! It suits her … the earth that is!”
“You think the earth’s a woman?”
“I don’t know really,” he contemplated. “I’m pretty sure that she transcends gender, however for me, I suppose it just feels more natural to assume that the she’s a she.”
“It does feel more natural,” I agreed. “And I suppose thinking about it, all the modern names we give the earth are pretty damn feminine. Mother earth, Earth mother, Mother Nature, Mother goodness, Pachamama, even Gaia … indeed analysing the list as I say it, I’d have to say that not only are they all really feminine, but they’re all also really matriarchal!”
“Absolutely!” he nodded rapidly. “Although I don’t think she’s like a ‘mother’ to us in the conventional sense.”
“How do you mean?”
“I suppose I mean that everything that makes up the earth isn’t only part of its biology, but also part of a whole that’s conscious of itself. That the earth is like our spiritual mother, the piece of ‘higher’ consciousness we’re all connected to that not only seeks to guide us, but also to reflect and support our choices, whether we understand the processes of them or not.”
“I can see that,” I responded, feeling rather humbled by his statement. “It feels like you know more about Gaia than me!”
“Maybe,” he said modestly. “Although I’ve probably just understood it in a different way … both through and from other kinds of information. Tell me more about the actual Gaia theory though.”
“It says pretty much exactly what you say, just in different, more scientific words of understanding,” I stated softly. “I can’t profess to know the exact details of it because, as you know, I’m not the most scientifically gifted man alive. But, from what I can grasp of it, the Gaia theory proposes that all organisms on the earth are here to interact with their inorganic surroundings to form a self-regulating, complex system that contributes to maintaining the conditions for life on the planet. Basically put, that the earth is a living, breathing biological organism that we and all other life on the planet are part of and always intricately connected to.”
“That’s cool!” exclaimed Rowen. “It’s so nice to hear science getting involved and trying to put it into its own picture. It’ll definitely help with creating more belief in such an idea.
“True. Every little thing helps in triggering and creating new beliefs and ways of being that serve us! I suppose if it promotes the same positive collective feeling though, it doesn’t matter how it’s presented.”
“Mmmmm,” he nodded, as he cast his gaze back in the direction of the owls screech, almost as if he was waiting for its return. “Yes … but surely if every human being alive is connected to the consciousness of the earth, then we must also be responsible for how its balance occurs? If that’s true, I’d have to say it’s a little saddening to know that we’ve not been doing such a fantastic job of keeping it in balance of late. It feels almost like we’re rogue cells out of harmony with the whole”
“I think that there’d be some who agree with you there. There’s no denying that as a specie, we’ve certainly walked down paths of destruction and begun damaging the structure and systems of the earth that provides for us. But despite all the doom and gloom, I definitely think it’s all rewritable. I think we just need to shift our perspective of how we perceive and interact with the earth.”
“Because like you, I also believe that we’re connected to the earth far deeper than just being mere physical presences upon it. That not only is Gaia the biological organism that’s greater than the sum of us, but she’s also the guiding collective consciousness that we’re all here to work in collaboration with.”
“Do you believe that the earth has a soul then?”
“I don’t know if I’m saying that. I’d think I’d have to be a brave, brave man to make such a statement because I’m not really sure I completely understand what the concept of soul means to me, let alone to anyone else and least of all to the earth. However, I do think that the earth is as ‘alive’ as we are and that in its own way, it’s also consciously connected to the same source or spirit, or whatever we choose to call it, as we are. I also believe that it’s waiting for our awareness to collectively hold hands and fuse with it and that it’s always ready to help guide us towards creating our lives in alignment and balance within the biological system we’re all placed within.”
I paused a moment as I repositioned myself on my seat. I’d never spoken with anyone other than Levah about this before, not to this level of personal depth anyway.
“If that’s so then,” interjected Rowen naturally. “Do you believe that in regards to the state of the earth as we experience it now, that we as humans are the ones who’ve the power to shift and balance the earth through our own internal choices?”
I continued to pause, my gaze back upon the lightly dancing flame of the fire before me. I could sense Rowen’s eyes upon me as I tried to process and make sense of what he’d just asked. I knew my answer.
“That’s exactly what I believe,” I released as we heard the owl screech for a second time, jolting our awareness back towards the darkness of the forest. We would share no more.
“Here you go boys,” came Levah’s voice from behind us, sending our self-ignited silence spiralling off into the forest.
“You took your time!” I hollered back sarcastically over my shoulder
“Good things come to those who wait,” replied Levah coolly, her voice probing my ear deeper than before. Out the corner of my eye, I could see her body re-emerge itself back at the fire place.
“Yeah, too right!” agreed Thea, amid clinking sounds of the tray she was carrying as she too strolled back into view just behind Levah. “And boy … is this dessert one worth waiting for!”
“Is it one of your specials?” I smiled, cocking my head to look at her.
“Indeed it is. Although tonight I have to say that it’s a Thea special, a la Levah.”
“Intriguing!” exclaimed Rowen.
“It is, isn’t it?” replied Thea, placing the tray down on the tree stump table and beginning to distribute the bowls around the group.
“What’ve we got going on here then?” I asked eagerly, taking my bowl and observing the beautifully put together lump of yumminess within it.
“We’ve got home-made vanilla ice cream, with raw chocolate chunks and chocolate sauce a la Levah.”
“Nice! It smells delicious and looks even better!”
“It’ll taste delicious too,” said Thea self-assuredly. I knew that her confidence here certainly wasn’t misplaced. In my opinion, her desserts were second to none and I for one couldn’t wait to taste it.
“Before we start though everyone,” ushered in Levah, stopping our eager spoon to bowl actions dead in their tracks. “I want to make a toast.”
“We don’t have any drinks to toast with,” I added.
“We don’t need drinks,” she dismissed playfully. “We can toast with our dessert bowls can’t we?”
“Good plan,” supported Rowen, lifting his bowl in the air.
“Not yet you Wally!” chuckled Thea.
“I know,” defended Rowen light-heartedly. “I was just demonstrating the possibility.”
“I just want to say how lucky I feel that we can all hang out like this because it makes Tim and me so happy when we have you guys in our lives. Even though I know that you haven’t always been there in the physical sense, for me it feels like another part of you has been both with and part of us our entire lives. Every twist and turn we’ve created, every bump in the road we’ve had to embrace, every moment of beauty and sadness, it feels that in some strange and surreal way you’ve always been here supporting and enjoying the journey with us every step of the way. I’m really grateful for that.”
“Maybe we have,” said Thea mystically.
“Maybe you have,” affirmed Levah, nodding warmly and knowingly towards her friend before raising her dessert bowl out to the centre of the group. “Cheers!”
“Cheers!” we all called out warmly as we chinked our bowls together.
Bringing my bowl back towards myself, I couldn’t help but feel so incredibly proud of my partner for what she’d just said and could likewise feel that everyone else felt and agreed so very wholeheartedly with her words. For a moment we all found ourselves just nodding and smiling at each other, everyone knowing the truth and depth of our bond, but none of us feeling the need to try to explain or convey it any further.
“Let’s eat!” drove Levah, driving our unity temporally off into the sugary void.
b) Co-creative awareness of the immediate macrocosm of the earth
Is it really so hard to believe that this could be so? That there’s a conscious awareness greater than the sum of us that we’re all innately part of and connected to inside every moment of every day. That in the same way we believe the cells of our bodies make up and support the collective being that is us, that we and all other beings, entities and elements we know actually make up and support the collective being we call the earth. Have we drifted so far away in our beliefs about ourselves that when it comes to the macrocosm of biological consciousness and spiritual awareness, we really believe human beings are the limit? Or, is it possible for us to realise that we’re now approaching a new threshold of perception, one which not only holds the potential to sense, but also to start innately remembering that all life on earth exists within a profound and benevolent system of co-creative co-operation that’s always connected to and creating with the conscious awareness of the whole. A whole that we, as the sparks of human light we are, are at the centre of.
It must be reiterated again here that by proposing this idea, I’m not suggesting that we need to change the grander existential beliefs and perspectives of our realities. Remember, the ultimate truth of what you believe really is none of my business because we’re all free to believe what we choose and if we believe what we choose with open hearts and compassionate minds, then that belief will always be the truth for us. Instead, I’m talking about us all collectively finding a way to open towards an understanding which I believe we all have the capacity of conceptually connecting with inside our everyday experiences, regardless of our existential beliefs. Keeping this in mind then, I’ll now (using the simplest form I’m able to) try to take my understanding of this concept deeper, holding the intent within me that it’ll conceptually open itself up to your experience in your own unique way.
Ultimately, it all falls back to the statement:
“For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves.”
For wish of wanting to put it less bluntly human beings are, in their essence, part of the cellular structure of the earth. Tiny pieces of consciousness that collectively make up an entity that not only supports our lives physically, but also guides us within them and is, in turn, deeply influenced by our creative choices. As is such, the earth is always conceptually reflecting and supporting the sum of its parts, forever seeking to bring into manifest the choice of the collective whole regardless of the wholes level of co-creative awareness to both itself and its choice. That’s the earth’s role you see, to facilitate life for us as a direct reflection of how we collectively choose to balance and relate to both ourselves and our environments. Seeing this so then, if the majority of us live in internal war with our egoic selves, always in unconnected perpetual motion between our fears, emotions, judgements and reactions, then that’s exactly what we’re going to see reflected back to us in our world; war and separation based upon fear, emotive misunderstanding and unacceptance. Likewise, if we’re not at peace, in balance or at ease with who we are on the inside, then we’ll always continue to see unrest, imbalance and dis-ease in our lives and societies. You name the emotion or imbalance, if it’s something we collectively live inside ourselves, then the earth will continue to amplify and create it for us. This isn’t because we’ve done something wrong, far from it, it’s just the earth knows that it’s here to support and reflect our free choices, no matter what those choices are.
I feel that by endeavouring to shift our perceptions of co-creative awareness into the earth’s perspective though, we can begin to observe how our realities are connected to and managed by its benevolent and omnipresent consciousness. Such a shift in perspective would not only be beneficial for us because it deepens our awareness of, alignment to and control over the co-creative flow of our individual lives, but also collectively within how we understand the creation and balance of the earth’s biological systems and the collective human experience we see in manifest.
Of course, there’s no definitive way of really proving this theory right now, there can only be personal discernment; a personal discernment that I’d like you to use for yourself right now. Look inwards at the emotional dynamics that you have inside of you and, at the same time, consider what you know about the widely accepted beliefs of the internal human experience. Then, extend this perception beyond yourself and out into the world and its societies, systems and cultures. Is the collective representation of reality really so different to what’s going on inside of you and the rest of the human species?
Such observations aren’t meant as a condemnation of how we’ve created the world to now. They should serve more as a reality check which helps us see our experience for exactly what it is; just a pure and direct reflection of who we are inside. This, if anything, should give us nothing but positivity because although there’s still so much darkness, imbalance and injustice visible in the world, we must also be able to see that there’s so much light, love, joy and wisdom prevalent within all corners of reality and that all this light is inside us too!
Just like the cellular body, the earth is always present, aware and waiting for our co-creative awareness to reconnect with it. On top of this, it’s also always listening. Therefore, we must realise that all of our beliefs and inner and outer dialogues (no matter what they consist of, or our awareness to them) are always sensed by the earth’s consciousness, a consciousness that subsequently uses synchronicity to try and create our perceptions as reality. Synchronicity is the tool that the earth utilises to align and place us in the positions to make the right (or wrong) decisions and be in the right (or wrong) place, at the right (or wrong) time in order to create the lives we presently experience. As complex as this all may sound though, the only part of us that’s actually missing from this co-creative process is our conscious awareness of our ability of influence over it.
In a very similar way to how we connect with the cellular body, the key to our reconnection here is shifting how we intend to the earth (and its environments) through our beliefs and inner and outer dialogues. For me, this all falls down to evolving our personal affirmations in light of the bigger collective picture, so that we use them not only to create pure personal intentions for our individual lives, but also a pure intent that melds with and honours the highest co-creative potentials of the collective whole.
Such pure intent is created benevolently from the heart, from the place of least resistance to our co-creative flow that sees and remembers the bigger picture of our compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness. Because of this, pure intent remains unobstructed by ego or indeed any other negative or destructive emotion that our previous unconscious intent may have held. Pure intent is pure light and if held with enough belief behind it, will always illuminate and dissipate the darkness of egoic intent every time it’s brought into being.
It’s therefore imperative at this time that we remain mindful to how we communicate with ourselves and our realities and endeavour to create as much pure intent and positive self-communication as possible in our daily lives. At the same time, we must be gentle on ourselves and try to hold compassionate acceptance to the fact that we cannot do this all the time and that unconscious and egoic intent will continue play a part in creating our experiences whilst we go about remembering otherwise. What can give us heart through this process though is the knowledge that our old ways are fading and that once we’ve chosen to tip the balance of the see-saw in the other direction, all that’s left to do is find a little bit of faith and a little bit of light in order to ignite our evolving truths further into being. The momentum of illumination will follow, allowing more positivity and more purity of intent to begin filtering itself into our daily lives, pushing our unconscious intent even further back towards the corners of reality as our memories of pure intent and positive affirmations gradually override our perspective.
Intending to the earth actually works in exactly the same way as affirming to our cellular bodies, indeed their energetic composition is quintessentially one and the same and should be practised as such (as we outlined in part a). The only difference is how that energy is focussed, be it in the flow of the individual co-creative perspective or the light of the collective wholes. Nevertheless, regardless of how we go about practising, if we can remember how to step out into our bigger picture and intend with purity, clarity and awareness to our reality, whilst at the same time striving to hold onto and evolve our awareness of it inside every moment we can, then we can open ourselves up further to being able to immerse both our individual and collective awareness deeper into the co-creative spectrum. As a result, we can start learning to really sense and interpret how the awareness of the cellular body and the earth communicates back with us through the use of intuition and creation of synchronicity and in a way, we can then almost start to expect it.
If we, the human being who can find the space to view life from a compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness, are able to remain aware at the wheel of ourselves and consciously intend our beliefs to our realities as much and as often as we can, then it’s inevitable that our benevolent power and ability to intuitively move within and create with the co-creative flow of our lives will flourish. Imagine the lives and world we could create if we were all able to affirm the pure intent of our innate truths no matter our linear circumstances. If we, even standing in the face of a darkness commanding us to believe and affirm fear, doubt, worry, hate, dis-ease and indifference, could instead find a way to affirm peace, balance, tolerance, love, health and compassion. How would our world’s collective reality look on the outside if we could all find a way to make this shift inside? I would be so bold as to say it would be: Balanced, equal and at peace.
It must be said here that this isn’t a new concept. This is old, old wisdom recycled and brought forward in new form, my form and I feel I must honour the fact that it’s been said before in so many other ways. Perhaps you can recollect and feel its conceptual wisdom inside you in a different way too?
The fact that our awareness is the deciding factor in the co-creative process doesn’t necessarily mean that we stand in hierarchy over, or are deemed more powerful than the cellular body or the earth. It just means that we’re presently the only unbalanced and unconnected part of the process and for the process to start conceptually reflecting true balance and connection across the whole, we must choose (by our own free will) to allow it to be so in both our individual and collective conscious awareness. Sure, the earth and the cellular body are always quietly guiding us in what they need us to do to facilitate such connective balance. However, they also know and honour (for whatever the existential reasons may be) that it’s up to our free will to choose to listen to and intend into creation what they ask of us and regardless of our decisions, they’ll continue to support our free will as benevolently as they can, even if that means us creating our own destruction.
Despite this though, I still believe that it won’t take much to ignite a shift that will reflect across and start balancing the whole in the profoundest of ways, indeed I see that it has already begun. Remember, in its purest essence, darkness cannot penetrate light and as is such, when pure intent is by our sides, hate cannot overturn love, fear cannot deluminate joy, apathy cannot overcome compassion, judgement cannot win over acceptance, separation cannot become more than oneness and blindness cannot be seen by wisdom. Remember how much light one match can create in a room of darkness? How such a tiny source of light can illuminate the whole in such an overwhelming way. It’s no different here you know? Life is innately attracted to light, not darkness and always will be, so find your match, create your spark and watch as others are slowly drawn to the light you’ve created and then endeavour to find their own sources of illumination in their own unique ways.
So why is it down to us to decide all this? Why can’t it all just be without us needing to do or be anything consciously? I mean, we try to do so much externally already, why must we start challenging and balancing our perspectives inside? Why are we the only ones who hold the definitive power of influence over the whole? I’ll tell you why. Because we’re the only ones presently not living in harmony with the balance of existence. Because nothing worth it in life ever comes without challenge and this is our challenge now. Because external doings (no matter how hard we work upon and try to change what we see from the outside) isn’t where our co-creative power ignites from. Change happens through us, not by us and therefore, all our co-creative power comes from within, from the awareness and purity of being in connection with our authentic selves and the bigger picture of our oneness.
Connecting with and giving ourselves over to the micro and macrocosm of full co-creative awareness (namely the cellular body and the earth) doesn’t mean that we have to negate our independent sense of self or lose our co-creative autonomy. If anything, such connections are only here to serve and enhance our independence of intending, co-creating and becoming what we wish to have and be in our lives. It’s just with our awareness of the processes around us enhanced, our co-creative intent lays in a more natural harmony with the balance of life, meaning that our affirmations of pure intent not only serve our unique co-creative expressions, but also lay in synchronous alignment and balance with the collective perspective of reality. As a result, when all we know is in alignment with who we are, who each other is and how we’re all an innate part of the earth both biologically and spiritually, our ability to co-create our realities as we choose them increases exponentially.
This doesn’t make us all powerful though, far from it, it just gently shifts our perspectives of and enhances our sensitivity towards a system that we’re already naturally part of and already creating with. Even though we hold the power to co-create our lives to our highest potentials, it must be known that we cannot simply intend anything and everything into being (no matter how appropriately we affirm or intend it) and then expect it to come into manifest because, as it stands, the nature of our intentions must lay in alignment with the potentials of being that our unique selves have chosen to hold in these lives and with what’s possible within the collective synchronous flow of the earth. Put simply, we can’t make something out of nothing, not yet at least anyway.
At the end of the day, certain ways of co-creative manifestation are just not ready to be yet. One day I’ve no doubt that they will, but instead of lusting after them, I try to sit at ease with the understanding that such co-creative awareness and ability isn’t the priority right now. Right now, peace, balance and spiritual oneness (both inner and outer, individually and collectively) are the priorities and it’s this metaphoric plant of peace, balance and spiritual oneness that contains the seeds for expansion of our co-creative awareness and resulting ability to create our realities as we choose them to be, namely, by extending our co-creative awareness completely into mind over matter.
Despite this future potential though, right now it’s peace, balance and spiritual oneness that we should be focusing on creating and no matter who we are, where we’re from or what we believe, when our egoic needs and attachments are out of the way and pure intent is by our side, these are all very achievable potentials for us and deep down the potentials we innately crave the most. All we need do is water and tend to the plant that’s already growing within us, allowing it to thrive in our light and blossom before our very eyes. Then, when the world is ready, we can take the seeds that our peace, balance and spiritual oneness have given to us and seek to plant and nurture them into newer expressions of being as well. Nevertheless, it’s vital that we tend to the growth of the plant we already have in front of us first.
What we do in our lives in order to create this really doesn’t matter, what matters is how we choose to live, relate to and create with the particular doing that we’re already placed within and realise that we have the power to change it if our potentials deem it so, or change our perspectives of it if they do not. As I’m sure you can imagine, the list of how this is possible is infinite, meaning that there’s so much potential to go around. So many ways to internally bring peace, balance and spiritual oneness to oneself that will in turn conceptually reflect across and create peace, balance and spiritual oneness upon and within the collective whole of the earth. If we make the choice to walk this road, one by one lighting the way for ourselves in a way that leaves it open for others to see their way if they so choose, then the result my friends is inevitable. It’s time to make your choice, however, if you decide to only choose one thing, try to choose to remember this:
“For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves.”
“I’ve got a game we can play,” chipped in Levah, breaking our sugar induced uncertainty.
“Have you?” I retorted, an element of sarcastic surprise in my voice. “What is it?”
“It’s a simple question game,” she replied coolly, reaching for her pocket and pulling out a number of scrunched up pieces of paper. “I’ve got eight questions here, well actually it’s four challenges and four questions. The challenges are on the white paper and questions are on the brown paper. Take one of each,” she leant over to each of us one by one, as we in turn took two pieces each with an almost surprising air of ease and eagerness to what she had in store for us.
“Good job we trust you,” stated Thea, bringing the ease of the moment to life.
“Yeah right! I could have you doing or saying anything, couldn’t I? Of course it goes without saying though that all questions and challenges are completely voluntary. You’ll only lose my respect forever if you chicken out.”
“What if we only chicken out of one question?” quizzed Rowen light-heartedly, sensing Levah’s play.
“You’ll keep my respect, but lose Tim’s.”
“Hang on a minute,” I protested. “When did I become a mindless puppet in this game? And what’s more, what happens if I chicken out of a question myself.”
“You’ll lose respect for yourself, obviously.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to take on board.”
“Are you sure you can handle it?”
“I don’t know, I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.”
“You do that,” she smiled as the play disintegrated. “Oh yes, one rule though. I thought that when we answer the questions, we’re allowed to speak for as long or as little as we like without being disturbed. The rest of us should try to simply listen to what’s being shared and then move on, not offering any opinions afterwards. Sound okay? I thought it would be cool to have them as fleeting ideas which don’t fall prey to group discussion. I mean, we discuss enough already!”
“Fine with me,” nodded Thea, as Rowen and I gave the same consent simultaneously.
“Cool. Who wants to go first?”
“I will,” eased Rowen, already beginning to unravel a brown piece of paper, his eyes scanning over the question as it presented itself to him and reading as he went. “What do you trust most in your heart right now?” He breathed in deeply. “That’s not an easy question!” he exhaled. “But I’m more than happy to give it a shot though.”
The group remained silent as he paused, trying to formalise his answer from the ignited concept I could see whizzing around in his head.
“I suppose the thing I trust the most in the world … in regards to us humans anyway … is that underneath all our beliefs of separation and difference we think we see in our lives, that we’re actually all the same. I think this wisdom is hidden inside us, living within the moments of connection and togetherness that we can’t explain … moments which are always waiting for us to come back to them,” he paused a moment as he looked around the group, one by one, looking at us all in the eye. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that the thing my heart trusts the most in my life right now is … for wish of a perhaps using slightly less clichéd saying … that we’re all one.”
He looked at me deeply in the eyes as he said the last word, its vibrations shuddering through me as our gaze greeted one another with love and utmost trust in what he’d just said. Indeed, his trust in his statement was living itself out inside that very moment.
There was a slight delay as the group, a little stunned by the authenticity of Rowen’s answer, waited for more. But he was done.
“Thank you for sharing,” nodded Levah with great warmth, seemingly receiving the kind of response to the game she was after and at the same time grounding the group back around the fireplace. “Do you want to go next Tim?”
“Yeah, why not,” I replied, opening up a white piece of paper to receive my challenge, reading internally as I went. “That’s interesting,” I chuckled.
“What is it?” enquired Thea.
“It wants me to tell you a story.”
“Nice!” said Thea. “Go for it.”
I gazed off into the forest a moment as I contemplated what I could possibly tell them. The idea wasn’t long in coming. “I know which story I can tell you. I actually can’t believe I haven’t told you guys about it before!”
“I know the story!” interjected Levah.
“You don’t have very many dear,” she wrinkled her face up in cute provocation.
“That may be true,” I replied, knowing full well that she probably knew which story it was. “But keep in mind that you’ve never heard me tell it in this way before!”
“Bring it on,” said Rowen, pulling his leg up onto his tree stump, at the same time resting his elbow upon his leg and his chin in his hand.
“Okay, I’ll try and keep it as short as possible.”
“Good luck!” goaded Levah, knowing that it was indeed a rather hard task for me to keep anything short, especially when it came to explaining things out loud.
I glared provocatively back at her, our eyes playfully connecting before I began talking.
“While we were travelling, we found ourselves in Croatia … Split to be precise, a smallish city on the west coast of the country by the Adriatic sea. We were only there for a day and a night and after wandering around its rather beautiful and incredibly rustic old town in a rather sweltering heat, we decided to do what Levah and I tend to do best in urban environments and seek refuse in the quieter, more reflective areas. So we walked north through the residential districts and up into a large park that lay on a big hill to the north of the city. I can’t remember exactly how long it took to get up there … a couple of hours maybe, but it seemed all the sweat and effort was well worth it for the awesome view at the top. Anyway, after resting a while, we decided to descend back down the other side of the hill and walk a loop back round to the city centre along the coast. I remember being really surprised by this place because as busy as Split and its beaches were that time of year, there was barely anybody hiking the park. I guess it must’ve been the heat. Anyhow, as we walked down the other side, we noticed that the terrain to our right became really rocky and the further we walked down towards the ocean a rather large dark grey rock cliff face began to emerge. It was then that we noticed a really cool old building built into the cliff with a path and a z-shaped staircase leading up to an open stone archway at its entrance. We’d never seen anything quite like it before had we?”
“No,” responded Levah, her eyes reminiscent that she was back in Split with me. “It was a really unique looking building.”
“It was,” I affirmed. “But having no clue to its purpose, we decided that we had to investigate. As I remember it, we dashed up the steps like a pair of excited child explorers eager and fearless to the newness that was potentially in front of us and before we knew it, we were at the archway.”
I stood up, the others eyes laid intently upon me as they wondered what I was doing. I could see Levah smiling again; she knew full well what I was doing. I descriptively motioned my arms in animation of the imaginary archway I now stood in front of and with my body now joining my mind back in Split, I was ready to continue.
“I got to the archway first with Levah close behind me and without a second thought I walked through it into the little courtyard that lay before us.”
I took a large step forward towards the group.
“Inside the courtyard, I decided to stop and try and orientate myself within my surroundings … I looked to the right first.”
I looked down towards Thea on my right.
“Then I looked straight ahead and above.”
I looked directly at Levah and then up into the darkness above.
“And then I looked left,” I concluded, bringing my voice to a mysterious croak.
I paused, turning my head rather harrowingly in the direction of a now extremely inquisitive, but equally nervous looking Rowen. I moved closer to him, invading his personal space as I positioned my nose about six inches away from his, staring wildly into his eyes.
“That’s when I saw it!”
“Saw what?” exclaimed Thea.
I stood up, bringing my thumb and forefinger up to encircle each of my eyes.
“I saw two massive orange eyes staring straight through me.”
“What!” gaped Thea. “What on earth was it? What did you do?”
“I screamed Thea! I screamed in the most terror I’ve ever experienced … I couldn’t control it! I guess I thought I’d just seen a demon or something because all I remember is the sides of my mouth being pulled back as if it was caught in massive unforeseen g-force as my body followed suit. Maybe it was the power of the scream pushing me back like the backfire from a gun.”
I began re-enacting the motion (scream and all) as my body began hurtling itself back through the imaginary archway.
“I was so lucky Levah was standing behind me though,” I echoed through the archway. “Having no idea what was happening, she somehow stopped me and my fear from cascading down the stairs!”
“Oi oi oi,” said Rowen emotively, clearly a fly on the wall in my imagination. “What happened next?”
“After safety had been ensured, we both continued twittering in panic and ran away back down the z-shaped staircase to the sanctity of the earth below.”
“I don’t remember screaming,” stated Levah calmly. “I think you did enough screaming for the both of us. All I remember is feeling like superwoman having saved the poor little terrified princess from tumbling out of her tower.”
Rowen and Thea laughed, as did I. The image Levah had just conjured up in our minds was quite the sight.
“But what was it?” reiterated Thea. “I mean, I’m open to believing in many things, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a demon!”
“Well,” I said, returning to sit on my tree stump. “As the adrenalin subsided, we looked back to the archway. To begin with, there was nothing there and the thought began to cross my mind that I’d imagined it all. After a few seconds though, we noticed the top of a head begin peeping itself around the left side of the archway, followed slowly by an extremely bemused looking solitary orange eye. Our courage returning, we crept a little closer back up the z-staircase and as we did so, we watched as the head moved itself further around the stone of the archway to see what on earth had caused all the commotion. As both eyes came into view we realised what it was.”
“It was an owl!” interjected Levah, eagerly steeling the finale.
“Yeah, but not just any owl … a massive great Eurasian eagle owl!” I countered, steeling the finale back.
“No way!” cried Rowen.
“Way!” I asserted. “Clearly, he or she’d been taking a siesta in the peaceful shade of the area and been awoken by the pair of bumbling tourists.”
“One bumbling tourist,” teased Levah.
“The way it looked at us was amazing though,” I continued, ignoring Levah with my voice, but not my eyes. “He wasn’t scared of us in the slightest! He just had the most amazingly perplexed face that just seemed to be wondering what all the fuss was about. An expression that said, ‘What are you like guys? It was only a bit of eye contact! Why the massive soap opera reaction?’ … Then, after a while, it took its head back around the corner and went back to its siesta.”
“Brilliant,” said Thea. “That’s a pretty unique experience.”
“It’s certainly one I’ll never forget,” I nodded. “Especially after seeing those eyes so close. When I try to place myself beyond the demonic fear of it all, I remember just how present they were. It was so primal, like pure, raw life staring straight into my soul, imparting its wisdom upon me.”
“And boy you didn’t shut up about it for the rest of the day!” added Levah. “For hours after, it was Owlie this and Owlie that. Yes … that’s what he called her … Owlie.”
“After the novelty of the experience wore off, you started getting a bit jealous of Owlie, didn’t you?”
“Yeah right! I just thought it was all just a bit over the top! I mean, Owlie only looked at you! The way you went on about it was like she’d complemented you on your appearance and asked you out on a date!”
“I don’t expect you to understand the profound connection that Owlie and I shared,” I mocked. “Be honest though, you’re still a bit jealous aren’t you?”
“A bit,” she confessed bashfully, her manner caught half way between truth and fiction.
“Thanks for the story,” concluded Thea.
“Do you want to go next?” asked Levah.
“Sure,” she opened her brown paper, holding it in front of her as she read it to the group. “Sum up everyone here (including yourself) in five words. This should be interesting … although you know I of course can only really say nice things!”
“If they’re true to you, then it doesn’t matter if they’re nice or not … it just matters that they come from your heart. The heart is never cruel,” said Levah wisely.
“Indeed,” nodded Thea.
“Do yourself first,” insisted Rowen, seemingly eager to get the task underway.
“Try and say the first things that pop into your head, we won’t comment on them,” reminded Levah.
“Okay then,” she agreed, her awareness focussing inwards. “Me … Hmmmm … well, I’d say that I am ironic … embracing … explorable … balanced and rather contradictorily … conflicted as well.”
I could see the others nodding in agreement out the corner of my eye as she inhaled to continue her task.
“Levah my dear, you I’d have to say are incredibly playful … bright … deeply profound … present and, dare I say it … beautifully chaotic.”
Levah chuckled warmly to herself, honouring her statement not to comment. I could see how Thea’s words were resonating with her, her smile indicative of so much love and respect towards her friend. Although Thea’s choices were perhaps a little different to ones I would have chosen for Levah, they were very representative of the Levah I knew.
“Hello!” I responded dutifully, moving my attention away from Levah’s response and towards the eyes of my assessor.
“You my friend, I’d say are unique … reflective … ever evolving … mindful and, at times … unattainable.”
Although I found my body moving in gratitude with the words she’d chosen, my eyes reflecting my thanks out to her before she moved her glance away towards Rowen, I couldn’t help but notice how the moment she said it, that my ego pounced upon the word unattainable. What did she mean by calling me unattainable? Was she unable to get me? Was I in a position in myself where others missed my intent? Did she indeed, as preposterous as it sounded even in my head, secretly want me? My mind whirled on in analysis, as I stepped back and watched it. I could see no point attaching myself to any of this. I knew that whatever she meant by it, her meaning came from her heart and if it came from her heart, I knew that the wisdom of its concept would impart itself upon me in due course. There were no bad vibes here. My attention returned to the group.
“And Rowen,” exhaled Thea loudly. “Mr Rowen Lealae! Hmmmm. How much trouble can I get myself in here?”
“We’ll find out in a minute,” replied Rowen jovially.
“Luckily for you I have to listen to my heart on this one!”
“And what does your heart tell you.”
“That you’re a unified … grounded … open … serene … and simple person.”
“Simple!” shouted Rowen spiritedly. “That came from your heart, did it?”
“Oi! You agreed that you wouldn’t comment!” retorted Thea, a chancy smile emerging on her face.
“We’ll be having words later then!” said Rowen, his face shifting to direct reflection of his partner’s. I knew they were only messing with each other.
“That was quite tough actually,” turned Thea to Levah. “Good though. Your turn.”
Our collective attention turned to Levah as she opened up and read her white piece of paper.
“What, to you, is the most important trait we all share as human beings?” she paused, tossing her piece of paper into the fire as she gathered her thoughts on the matter. “I’d say it’s the ability that every human being … no matter what their history, present situation or future potentials hold … has in being able to breathe love and light into both theirs and others experiences. I don’t think it matters what the situation is, I just feel that there’s always a possibility living somewhere inside us that’s able to do this.”
She looked up a little apprehensively to the group, our curious and accepting eyes transfixed upon her as we awaited her conclusion.
“I know this perhaps all sounds a bit hippy new age, but I really do believe that love and light are the way forward in our world if we allow them to be and start letting them live through us.”
“I agree,” I supported softly, slightly ignoring the arrangement of silent response we’d agreed to. I did this because I knew that sometimes Levah needed reassurance. That as profound and insightful as she could be, at times after releasing her truths to others she’d almost always momentarily doubt what she’d just said.
“Your turn again Rowen,” she continued, at peace with herself again, my two words of support advising her that she hadn’t lost her way.
“Oh goodie,” said Rowen, already opening his challenge. “Make an intention for the group … okay… hmmm … give me a moment.”
The group fell silent as he contemplated his intention. I could see that the moment he read it, he’d taken his challenge on board deeply, meaning that his response would by no means be given with any sort of humour. After a few seconds of contemplation, he looked up at us all, his eyes full of meaning.
“I intend that the four of us shall meet and play this same game when we’re all old and grey,” he released gently, clasping in hands tightly in each other as he spoke. “It doesn’t matter where, when or how we do it, it just matters that we do it when the time is right.”
“What a lovely intention,” replied Levah softly. “I’ll intend the same with you. Although, I can’t guarantee that I’ll make it to the old and grey years mind you. I don’t think any of us can for sure.”
“That can’t stop us all imagining and living it now though,” interjected Thea, closing her eyes and allowing her imagination to drift off into her partner’s intention. “Ha, we all look rather dashing if I do say so myself. Nice beard Tim!”
“Is it big, bushy and grey?” I responded.
“It sure is!”
“Awesome! That’s how I envision it being too!” I closed my eyes to join her, as I sensed Levah and Rowen do the same. “Indeed, I keep threatening Levah that when my hair decides to turn colour that that’s the beard that’ll be grown.”
“I know, she told me actually! Perhaps that’s what’s influenced my imagination of the future you!”
“What he doesn’t know is that when that time arrives, I’m going to secretly apply dye to his hair every night whilst he’s sleeping. That way the wizard beard will never come to be!” crept in Levah’s mischievous voice.
“Wizard beard!” exclaimed Rowen gleefully. “I want one of those too!”
“You’ve already got one in my imagination buddy,” I added, envisioning with greater clarity the picture we we’re all creating.
“Nice! I feel well wise now! Although for a moment, I just saw the girls with wizard beards as well! Bit strange that! Let’s hope that one doesn’t come to be hey!”
“That’s a bit sexist,” said Levah. “Why can’t we have beards too?”
“Is that something you dream of dear,” I enquired.
“Have I not told you about that?”
“You have now! Should I buy more razors?”
“We could totally plat and bead our beards Thea!”
“Yeah right!” responded Thea merrily, opening her eyes in excitement. “Our accessorised beards will be totally better than theirs!”
“It’s a challenge then!” continued Rowen, opening his eyes as well, as I did the same. “May the best wizard beards win!”
“Game on,” said Levah, her eyes still closed. “Now that’s something worth sticking around for and creating.”
“You can open your eyes now if you like honey,” I pushed into her awareness.
“Oh yeah!” she yelped, opening them directly. “Sorry, I was still imagining the four grey, beardy people who are us sitting around the fire. I wish I could take a photograph of my imagination sometimes! Whose turn is it now anyway?”
“Mine, I think,” I replied.
“Go for it then!”
Positioning myself a little better in the fire light, I unruffled my remaining question, reading as I went. “What’s the most difficult thing for you to comprehend in your life right now?”
The moment I read it, I knew that it was a tricky question for me because there was still so much in my life that I wasn’t even close to understanding. Indeed considering it deeper, I realised that there wasn’t really anything in my life that I had complete comprehension over. I brought my hand to my chin in contemplation, stroking the soft stubble of my lower jaw as I considered my options of response as to which out of all the possible things was the hardest. After a couple of unsuccessful strokes, I found my attention drawing itself in on the words ‘right now.’ That was as good a place as any for me to start, what exactly did I find hardest to comprehend right now? Was it the question? Or was it the present moment itself? Neither answers (although perfectly acceptable conundrums of consideration) felt like truth to me, indeed I’d recently come to open to the conclusion that the truth of everything I knew was and always would be ever changing, and that I’d be a fool to pretend otherwise. Therein laid my answer.
“Truth,” I released with semi-hesitancy, bringing the group formally into my musings. “It’s got to be the concept of truth because whenever I discover or perceive something as true in my life these days, I find myself coming back the next day, metaphorically speaking of course, ready and willing to live within it, only to discover that it … the truth as I thought I knew it … has shifted itself into something new. I guess I find this really hard to comprehend because I always used to think that truth was finite and something I could reach out to, acquire and then never need to challenge or change again. In a way, I suppose I still believe this if I’m honest because it’s like an age old habit that takes time to break free off. However, inside myself I’m also beginning … slowly I might add, which is why I perceive it as so hard to comprehend … to believe that my tale of ultimate truth can never really have a conclusion or an ending because the truth as I perceive it is always evolving and recreating itself around me. I suppose accepting the concept that ‘ultimate truth’ is only an evolving set of ideas that live inside me really scares and overwhelms me when I think about it too much. That’s why truth’s got to be my answer.”
I stopped talking and looked around the group to meet an ever so slightly puzzled, but extremely compassionate and open looking set of faces peering back at me. I could tell that what they’d probably received from my words was different to how I’d intended it to be understood, indeed I wasn’t completely sure if I’d even understood what I’d said. Despite this doubt though, the feelings of resonance I was getting from them meant that I somehow knew they were respectfully processing and integrating the concept of what I’d just shared inside of their own truths and their resonance and respect for connection was more than enough for me. I could feel a warm buzz of contentment start to become me as I realised I’d just been able to share something new out loud (something which I’d only ever considered abstractually inside myself before) for the first time, the form of what I’d created helping me see and understand its boundaries better. What a gift that was.
“Thanks for the question!” I turned to Levah, as I succumbed to gratitude.
“You’re welcome,” she nodded, semi-knowingly. “Thanks for answering it. Last question now.”
“And I guess the honour falls to me then,” responded Thea, unfolding her small piece of white paper. “What’s the single most destructive force on the planet?” she stated loudly, throwing her question almost dismissively into the fire as she simultaneously inhaled in a manner suggesting that her breath was getting in the way of her answer.
Despite her haste, I was impressed by her confidence in regards to her question because it was clearly something she was extremely passionate about. It would be interesting to hear what she had to say.
“It’s got to be Fear all the way!” she stated assertively, her cry of fear echoing off into the forest. “Because to me, fear only exists to create circumstances that help create more fear … a fear which in turn only serves to create more circumstances that then create even more fear and so on, if you get my drift? I think that fear’s such a cannibalistic and unnecessary emotion. I mean, I know that terrible, fear inducing things still happen in the world and I of course don’t blame those involved for being fearful of such experiences when they’re placed within them. I’m pretty damn sure that if I we’re in their circumstance right here and now, I’d be fearful of them too. However, it’s not necessarily the physical circumstances of the fight or flight fear that I feel are the most destructive forces right now, that’s something to be understood in a later moment. Right now, I’m concerned about all the fear that the rest of us create as bystanders to these experiences, even though we’re not physically part of them. I can’t get to grips anymore as to why when something bad happens to others, that our first reaction is to become fearful of it happening again or happening to us and thus allow it to affect our lives in a destructive way. I don’t see why we can’t just be compassionate for all the suffering that’s been created for others to unfortunately experience instead? I don’t think human beings understand how our actions are exactly what fear wants and needs in order to feed and recreate itself and that it’s ultimately humanity succumbing to fear which creates and recreates all the bad things we see and experience. I really believe that if we can find a way not to give ourselves over to fear and instead find compassion towards it as we embrace the dark for what it is, namely a just part of an experience and lesson of compassion that we need to learn from, then we can consequently cut out the funding of every terrible creation in our world and, in time, they’ll all eventually cease to be.”
She stopped for breath, eyeing the curiously nodding trio in front of her.
“I think I could go on about this for hours,” she added positively. “But I’ll stop now before I get too carried away. I think I’ve answered the question.”
“You certainly have!” I affirmed, feeling extreme resonance to her answer. I found myself really wanting to explore her statements further, but remembering Levah’s request of the game I kept quiet, allowing her words to further integrate and expand themselves within me.
“Thanks for playing along with my game you all,” said Levah gratefully, pushing herself up to stand. “Does anyone want another cup of tea or drink of any kind?”
Something was amiss with her because she appeared to be in way too much of a hurry. I looked at her body to discover that it was rather tense, taut and fidgety in a ‘can I get away with this’ sort of manner. Her right hand was scrunched tight, concealing something inside her fist. It was her challenge! The little monkey! I decided she wasn’t going to get away from whatever her challenge was that easy and fake cleared my throat.
“Isn’t it your turn now?” I stated calmly.
“Yeah!” called Thea. “Haven’t you got a challenge left to do?”
“Yes,” she replied naughtily, eyeballing me in a half annoyed, half mischievous way for giving away her mini deception. “But I don’t have to do it if you’ve all had enough of the game.”
“What are you trying to get out of?” probed Rowen. “I mean, you must already know what it is because you wrote it.”
“Have you shot yourself in the foot and got the only one you didn’t want?” I added.
“Maybe,” she replied indignantly.
“Go on then, open it up and let us know what it is,” declared Thea, pushing her friend to finish the game she started.
“Alright,” acknowledged Levah, sitting reluctantly back down again and beginning to unwrap her newly re-revealed piece of brown paper. “It says … Love says: I am everything. Wisdom says: I am nothing. Between the two, the balance of my life flows … Keeping this statement in mind, now run around the garden squawking like a chicken.”
Idea Five – Remembering the ‘bigger picture’ inside of the present moment
I haven’t spoken much of the ‘bigger picture’ of supporting beliefs and visions that I’ve placed my ideas of balance within. The deeper existential ‘truths’ which, once remembered, support and drive me forward in my evolving perception that: “For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves”. This is because I don’t believe that the ‘bigger picture’ of my reality is of direct importance or relevance for discussion here because despite the many similarities we may or may not share in our existential visions, all that our ‘bigger pictures’ are at their core are uniquely individual to us.
Despite this perception though, what I feel is really important to consider together here, is how we go about creating individual remembrance of our ‘bigger pictures’ when we need their support and wisdom the most, namely, how we bring them to light inside the present moment of our everyday lives. When we can create ‘bigger picture’ remembrance inside of the present moment, no matter what’s happening to us, we open ourselves to remembering our innate choice and ability to realign ourselves with that which we innately wish to be the most.
I suppose in its own way, this idea is the biggest challenge of all the previous ideas because it’s ultimately the one that places and actualises balances concept inside our individual pictures of reality. A human being can hold all the intellectual and reflective wisdom available to humanity, however, if they’re not actually able to remember how to bring that wisdom into creating balance for themself inside of the present moment, where, when or however that present moment creates itself, then all the musing in the world will ultimately become meaningless. Almost needless to say then, finding our own way to remember how our ‘bigger pictures’ contain and support our abilities to balance ourselves in the face of life by allowing the compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness we are to come forth, is by no means an easy feat. It is, however, extremely possible.
Despite our uniqueness, I believe that our processes of creating remembrance of our bigger pictures inside the present moment are something that we all can share with one another. Keeping this in mind then, I’d like to now to share some tips of remembrance with you (some of which we may have touched upon already today, some which we may have not) that I feel we all can resonate with and utilise regardless of our innate truths or existential belief systems. These are by no means guidelines that must be adhered to or followed. They are, like everything else we’ve been through today, just ideas, ideas which I’ve personally unified into a process inside my life to help me remember who I am and what I believe in light of the individual and collective ‘bigger pictures’ I hold. They’re not a goal or destination either, more so, they’re an intertwining work in progress that one can choose to dance into reality as and when one chooses.
1) Being Grateful
For me, gratitude is the catalyst for all of this, the one action that ignites all the other processes of remembrance into being and places me in the best possible position to remember the light of my ‘bigger picture’. Over the years, I’ve come to realise that gratitude is such a benevolent and omnipresent phenomenon that I always hold the choice to actualise inside every moment of my life, no matter the circumstances of my external reality. The key for me to start doing this then, was to find a way to remember gratitude in the times I needed it the most, by conditioning a response inside my awareness that meant even when the evolving nature of my co-creative reality pushed me to forget everything and give my consciousness over to the darkness of suffering and uncertainty, that I still held the potential to trigger the light of gratitude into my being in the easiest possible way.
As is such, after much trial, error and rather overcomplicated tribulation, I finally opted for the simplest mode of remembrance and attached gratitude to the awareness of my breath, an action that I’m always doing and, as long as I’m in my human body, always capable of remembering to be present with. Consequently, whenever I feel uncertain, unbalanced, out of sync or even lost to the light of my ‘bigger picture’ (and this still happens on a daily, if not hourly or momentary basis), if I can remember to breathe with awareness just once, I can trigger gratitude for that very breath and no matter how bad I’m choosing to feel in that moment, this action will always cast a little bit of light and remembrance of my ‘bigger picture’ towards me, helping me to remember my choice. My choice to continue feeling lost and alone to the smaller picture of the present moment, or my choice to take a step back and honour my experience in the grander concept of my reality by realising that everything I’m experiencing in the present moment is actually in line with everything that my ‘bigger picture’ is and that it should be honoured, explored and learnt from as such, without emotional attachment or hierarchy.
By remembering to be grateful in challenging and unbalanced situations, I ultimately trigger every other remembrance into being and as a result, I remember my presence, my power and my ability to choose who I am. Ultimately though, I remember how to:
[_ 2) Find space to honour the ________ within _]
It is the remembrance created by my breath of gratitude that opens the space in my awareness for honouring the ________ within, a creation which casts brighter light of the ‘bigger picture’ of my reality towards my present moment. I believe that inside all our uniquely evolving individual truths and beliefs, we all have the capacity to stop (however momentarily) and be in this connective space regardless of the situation we’re in. It doesn’t matter how we choose to linearize what our space honours, be it the oneness of being, spirit, god, source, love, light, soul, divinity, life-force, the mindful eye, presence, science, nothingness, the mischievous monkey, the whatever we want to call it; it just matters that we remember to make the connection to it and use its light to enhance our remembrance of our ‘bigger picture’ of individual and collective balance.
It’s our ability to connect and remember this place that takes us out from our day-to-day humanness and reminds us why we choose to go through it all, realigning us with our core perspectives and giving us greater strength in our ability to bring those perspectives into alignment with the present moment we’re in. In essence, the breath triggers the gratitude, which in turn creates the space in awareness for connection and, if we want to, we’re more than welcome to stay in this place of connection because we cannot suffer when we’re connected. However, after a moment or two of appreciation, why don’t we utilise this opportunity and dare to take it one step further by co-creatively challenging the present moment we’ve stepped back from, so that the next time such a situation happens to us, it not only becomes easier for us to step back into and illuminate our ‘bigger picture’, but also turns the present moment into an active process we can endeavour to truly learn from and co-create balance with directly inside of the moments we’re consciously in it. Can we thus, utilise these triggers of remembrance to:
3) Meet reality in the middle
Can we meet whatever is causing our unbalance in the present moment in the co-creative middle? A middle that not only serves the balance of ourselves, but also the balance of the collective perspective as well.
It’s my belief that for true individual and collective balance, we must start realising that when it comes to interacting with our personal realities, it’s not just about us anymore. That every entity and experience we interact with in our lives has a middle point, a place of balance where both sides are equal and in alignment with the purpose of each other and the purpose of the collective whole. As is such, with our remembrance of our individual and collective ‘bigger pictures’ by our side and our intent set on co-creative exploration, when we lean out to meet every person, environment, system and mode of co-creative awareness in the middle point of connection we hold with them or it, we create a connective space of understanding that not only honours what we occupy together in the present moment, but also the collective balance of all the entities involved in the process and of the whole itself.
When we’re open to meeting reality in the middle this way, even if sometimes that middle point is us leaning 90% into the reality we’re placed within and reality 10% into us (or vice versa), reality (regardless of its awareness to the meeting) will always respond positively to us and we’ll both become balanced within it. It doesn’t matter who holds the majority share in the interaction, what matters is that the middle point of connective co-creation is reached in a benevolent way that keeps ego aside and honours the balance of the collective. It’s upon this middle ground that we can find true connection and kinship with the energies around us because we innately sense that our quest for individual and collective balance is being served to its highest potential.
I know that some might say that we’re giving up our personal authenticity and compromising ourselves when we interact with our surroundings in such a way. However, I would be so bold as to say that when we choose to greet life like this, we’re actually enhancing our personal authenticity because we’re mindfully being and adjusting ourselves in light of the ‘collective bigger picture’, a picture that honours the balance of the whole and not just our personal needs to be the ones in the light. In essence then, what could be more authentic than that?
When we truly meet reality in the middle, we open ourselves up to discovering an open, non-egoic, non-judgemental presence that’s ready for co-creative exploration of the smaller pictures of the present moment. Not only do we then open ourselves up to learning more about who we are and how we interact with the energies of the people and environments we’re present to, but we also enhance our co-creative understanding of the present moment and, as a result, we place ourselves in a position to:
4) Accept the co-creative challenge of reality
By meeting our present moment experiences in the middle and greeting them as a chance to connect and create balance with our environments, we present ourselves with the opportunity to start remembering our ability to fully accept and creatively challenge the multitude of experiences and perceptions that our co-creative reality presents us. Through being able to initiate such acceptance to our experiences for being what they are (namely our creations based upon the unique choices, beliefs and intentions we hold both consciously and unconsciously) and then challenging our perceptions of them, we’ll find that the hierarchical feelings we previously had about particular situations and experiences will begin to disintegrate and as a result, we’ll stop labelling them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, or ‘easy’ and ‘difficult’. Instead, we’ll find that we start greeting the course of our lives far more peacefully, seeing all our experiences and perceptions as appropriate expressions and challenges that we’ve created to experience and perceive inside of the present moment we’re in. Consequently (and rather beautifully I might add), we’ll also find that our acceptance and co-creative challenge of the experience will actually start balancing all we used to resist and fight against in the smaller pictures of our lives and gradually cease to persist manifesting such imbalance in our future realities, meaning that we ultimately start creating and experiencing more of what we actually want to create and experience.
If we all could find a way to accept the co-creative challenge of our individual realities, then the end result would undoubtedly be balance and peace on earth. However, despite this broader ‘bigger picture’ being a great vision and source of inspiration that’s incredibly important for us to remember and honour, it must be reminded that such a goal (as profound as it is) shouldn’t be our total expectation of the now. Right now, life can only be what it is, in evolutionary alignment with the intentions of the collective and collectively we haven’t really begun to find balance and peace within ourselves, least of all realised how our personal balance and peace reflects across the whole. What we can challenge ourselves to achieve now though, is to embody this image of collective balance and peace inside our own individual concepts and unique ways of practising balance and peace in our own inner worlds and this starts by accepting the co-creative challenge of our individual realities.
Accepting the co-creative challenge of our reality is really about learning ‘to go with the flow’ of how our choices, beliefs and intentions create the realities we see and thus, to really learn ‘to go with the flow’ one must also learn to:
5) Know as you go
To know as you go is the essence of ‘going with the flow’ and our being in the present moment. It’s the state of being that the exhalation of our breath of gratitude grounds us to being present within, helping us place complete faith in the present moment as we begin to understand that all the answers we seek are always available to us in the now.
It’s an intrinsic human need to want to see and know the map of a journey before we’ll walk it. To be able to pre intellectualise and process the way of things before we’ll believe that, firstly, it’s a conceivable and feasible journey and that secondly, we’re actually able to embark on such a journey ourselves. To know as you go means placing oneself outside of such linear predetermination by understanding that the conceptual visions of the journeys that our intentions create, can only intuitively guide us inside the present moment synchronicities of the journeys themselves, whilst we’re actively part of them. In short, when it comes to truly being part of the co-creative process, we cannot know the way of it in advance. Fortunately for us though, behind all our needs to be in rational control of our lives, this is exactly where we innately wish ourselves to be because it’s here that our ability to co-create balance and peace in our lives is the strongest.
Trust is the key here because one cannot know as you go without trust and the only way to start evolving such trust is to create it ourselves. All we need do though is place pure intent that it exists, wait a moment and then step forward and watch as our intent begins living itself out in our reality. It sounds easy and when we get ourselves out the way, it is easy! All that’s left to do is celebrate this!
After the breath of gratitude has brought my bigger picture (and all its conceptual intricacies) back to me, all I really have left to do is celebrate the fact I’ve remembered it all before I forget it again! To exhale and then smile, to laugh, to give a warm and knowing look, to do a little dance, to feel the glint of remembrance exploding out of my eyes or to revel for as long as I can inside the momentary ‘aha’ I’ve created for myself to experience. I feel it’s so important to celebrate such moments of remembrance because not only does celebration feel good, but it’s also an incredibly powerful co-creative tool. In this case, not only does celebration route, reinforce and condition my memories upon my consciousness, but it also help me to coax them forward into continued being, further enabling me to remember them again and consequently, continue celebrating them into higher frequencies as the cycle of remembrance repeats itself in my life.
I’ve no idea how many times I’ve remembered the beauty of my bigger picture and then forgotten it almost straight away again. However, what I do know now is that by celebrating my remembrances, I’m ultimately recreating more of them in my experience and not just within the energies of quiet reflection I perceive they’re easiest to create within, but also in the moments and situations of unease and uncertainty that my everyday life brings to me. Places where in all honesty, I actually need the power and wisdom that my bigger picture contains the most.
Although it still remains such in my life that the times where I don’t remember the bigger pictures of myself still vastly outweigh the times I do, I find deep comfort in knowing that I’m walking in the right direction, and that maybe (although perhaps not in this lifetime) there’ll come a day where the see-saw tilts and the times I remember start to outweigh the times I don’t, as I in turn move closer and closer towards my intent of omnipresent remembrance inside every facet of the human experience. One can only imagine the life I could co-create and the balance and peace I’d feel inside of such awareness if I got out of my own way long enough to both intend and allow it to be.
I perceive that regardless of who we are or where we’re from, that the choice to be in a place of omnipresent remembrance and connection to the compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness (as well as the deeper existential bigger pictures we individually hold beyond this) is something that every human being innately holds inside them and a potential we all hold the ability to spark and illuminate. Now that’s certainly something worth celebrating into existence in my eyes.
If you so choose, affirm these six ideas back to yourself with me now and let’s intend them further into being:
1) Gratitude lives within every breath I take and it’s the trigger of my remembrance of the bigger picture.
2) My remembrance of gratitude enhances my honour and memory of the ________ within.
3) When I honour the ________ within, I openly meet my reality in the middle.
4) When I meet my reality in the middle, I compassionately accept the co-creative challenge of my reality for everything it is, has been and will be.
5) My acceptance of my co-creative choice creates the trust that guides me to know as I go.
6) My celebrations enhance my memories of all of the above and further illuminate my bigger picture remembrance inside every moment I remember them.
And it all will be so my friend! Within the realms of belief, co-creation and synchronous alignment to the whole, it all will be so.
So where were we? Oh yes, Levah had begun running around the garden half clucking and squawking, half giggling at the rather ridiculous predicament she’d placed herself within, whilst an ever observant Rowen and Thea, their hands now on their bellies, began raucously rocking themselves almost off their tree stumps in amusement. I on the other hand remained relatively still, sitting peacefully with the most bemused look on my face as I stared tenderly towards the partner I’d chosen in life. Was this really the same cool girl I’d met in the London coffee shop all those years ago? Definitely not, however, she was unequivocally the unique Levah she was now; a beautiful enigma that I couldn’t help but fall deeper and deeper in love with inside every day that passed, even and perhaps more so inside the situations where she looked as bonkers as she looked right now.
I suppose this feels like a rather fitting time for me to conclude our evening’s tale, for I really don’t deem it necessary for us to have to tie up our physical occurrences of togetherness in a nice shiny bow of completeness in order to wish you a fond farewell. I feel this because (from my perspective at least anyway) today wasn’t really the end of anything. More so, it was (and still is inside my memory) just a continuous evolution of my co-creative now, a now that when I reflect back upon it from my final resting place as the old man sitting here in the chair at the end of my life, I can do nothing but remember with great gratitude and love. Yes that’s right, it’s time for us to come back to this place now. Time to allow my memories of that day to drift away and shift our perspective back into awareness of the final here and now that I hold in this body.
Knowing where we are together now then, I feel I need to jump straight to the chase and pose the final question: how can I go about concluding all this? How can I take my understanding of the statement, “For a balanced and peaceful planet, we must first find balance and peace inside ourselves” and leave it with you in a way that’s balanced to the experiences we’ve been through and evolved with together today. I suppose it’s quite simple if I think about it, because although the complexities of my perspective in my present now (a now that exists many years on from that day) have shifted and evolved in ways I could only have dreamt were possible when I was younger, everything I perceive in this moment still falls back into evolutionary alignment with the five conceptual ideas I conceived inside myself on that summer’s eve all those years ago. The ideas that when united under one belief, helped me to create and remember (and continue to recreate and re-remember) the compassionate and accepting awareness of co-creative oneness I know I innately am and how I sought (and still seek) to shine that knowingness out into the world.
Before we move on to such conclusions however, it must be known that I’m still far from being completely balanced yet, not here in the chair now and certainly not back then. In relation to the five ideas, I still loose myself and my perspective all of the time, forgetting everything as I give myself over to egoic resistance and perpetual dissatisfaction of my present moment experience. I regularly forget to create a balanced perception that understands the importance and power of acceptance and compassion for all that is in my life and the world. I still neglect to reignite the love, honour and connection to the oneness of being that I know I have the capacity to be connected to all the time. I still find it so hard to fully embrace and give myself over to the challenge of my co-creative reality and even when I can make such an embrace, I still see so many moments and experiences where I remain incredibly short sighted, singular and almost selfish when it comes to my perception and awareness of how my co-creative reality comes to be. Most of all though, I still find myself frequently forgetting the bigger pictures I hold that support my beliefs, the pictures that not only remember how to bring the five ideas and their ways of being to life inside my everyday experiences, but also the grander existential pictures that enlighten and deepen my trust to believe that they all are so.
As a result of all this then, there are still so many situations where I still allow myself to judge, be judged and become affected by such judgement, causing me to totally misunderstand and become intolerant towards reality. I still find myself forgetting the splendour of the present moment and worrying about what is and isn’t in my life. I still lose control of myself and say things I don’t mean that can cause imbalance in my environments. I still get sick and unbalanced in my body, negating to listen to my cellular intuition as I hedonistically overindulge in things I know I shouldn’t. My perspective still consistently jumps in and out of alignment with the synchronous guiding flow of my co-creative life, causing me to miss out on opportunities and awarenesses that would otherwise only enhance my being.
What I’ve managed to create throughout all of this forgetfulness though is a consciousness that remains mindful towards all its forgetful doings and is able, in reflection, to place them all inside a perspective that sees such moments of forgetfulness for the relevant and appropriate life challenges they are and always intends to learn from them. Forgetting is part of remembrance after all; one cannot exist without the other.
With my awareness of this so, I’ve subsequently set my perspective of my forgetfulness on a new path, one which takes all my forgetful moments and transforms them into a creative catalyst designed to help me forget a little bit less and remember a little bit more in the future. Consequently, I now try to view my forgetfulness as a positive thing and by doing this, I’ve found I gently reinforce the belief that although it seems a completely natural evolutionary process of my being to consistently lose the light of my metaphorical match and forget all my innate truths inside the present moment, it’s also now a natural evolutionary part of my being to trust that I could also remember everything as well. That there’s always a piece inside of me that holds the potential to strike my match and illuminate my surroundings regardless of what’s happening to me. What I find most profound here though, is the potential that every match I strike brings with it a remembrance of the light and vision of the one that came before it, meaning that every time it’s reignited, it goes in search of an ever so slightly enhanced illumination.
Through my creation of this belief, I’ve come to realise that complete remembrance isn’t actually something that’s available to my potentials right now and what’s more (when egoic lusting for spiritual completeness is out the way) it’s actually something that I don’t want to be either. I don’t want to be completely enlightened right now because I understand that complete enlightenment isn’t a potential of my time. I see that the room can’t and shouldn’t suddenly turn to bright light because right now, collective humanity (including my individual self) isn’t ready to stand in such total illumination. Alternatively then, I see now how I’ve been placed inside this body to gently step forward towards creating a balanced individual light that helps illuminate the collective room in such a way that means, one day, we’ll all see and remember who we are and what we share and as a result, we’ll stop bumping blindly and angrily into one another and instead choose to expand our light of exploration and remembrance out together, as one, from our different viewpoints in the room.
I realise that such balance comes extremely slowly inside my linear time perception, however, I likewise trust that once individual will has manifested enough collective intention, that it’s inevitable that balance will come to be. Whether this arrival be in this body and earth, or in the bodies and earths of the future, I rest assured in my knowledge that it’s coming and that in a non-linear way, it’s probably already here. On top of this trust, I’ve found that embracing the five ideas and watching their wisdom blossom in my life has opened me up to sensing an ever rising presence inside myself that somehow knows that when it comes to balance, I’m not just a singular passenger in this experience anymore, but a deeply entangled part of the process. Not just part of the collective process of everything I see and believe to be around me, but also part of everything else that lays beyond it, namely, all the things that I don’t see and believe or are unable to place any intellectual comprehension, imagination or sense to.
I see the five ideas present in how the earth has changed over the years as well, especially all these years on sitting here in the chair. Little by little, I’ve watched as humanity’s etched closer towards cohesion, creating more and more compassionate acceptance towards each other’s realities as we continue to unite and celebrate not just our similarities in being human, but also our many resplendent differences in creating and believing how our humanness and our bigger existential pictures are real. I’ve seen how the darkness (although still presently unbalanced) is retreating, how our compassion is gently shining it out of creation in the most benevolent of ways as we non-judgementally work and deal with its manifestations in ourselves and our societies. I’ve seen the new conceptual thoughts coming to be, the dissolution of the old ways being replaced by a slow regeneration of conceptual systems and structures that don’t even have names yet, but innately serve and enhance the purpose of our evolution into balance and peace. I’ve seen inventions and breakthroughs in scientific discovery that have not only further shattered the realms of co-creative possibility, experience and sustainable living, but also added deeper support to everything that the people are beginning to feel more and more inside. I’ve seen the shifts in the political, organisational, educational, healthcare, corporate / workplace and economical paradigms, how new concepts of being based doing and conceptual intuitive direction are leading the way in how we govern, motivate, stimulate, take care of and support each other. Outside of all of this, I’ve seen how the earth has begun to respond to all our collective shifts by gently starting to adapt its environments and systems to facilitate and enhance the potential of balance in our lives, redistributing, replenishing and revitalising our lands and oceans in loving support of our collective choices.
Most of all though, I’ve seen balances concept growing in the eyes and hearts of the people. I’ve see how more and more people are discovering and beginning to live their own co-creative truths, striking their matches out into the darkness and illuminating their surroundings in a way that’s bringing more and more light to the collective whole. I’ve seen how we’re all starting to take complete responsibility for ourselves, utilising what’s available to help us from without, together with what’s available to help us from within, and placing ourselves mindfully at the centre of responsibility in recreating ourselves as the balanced and peaceful beings capable of facilitating a balanced and peaceful co-creative experience. What’s more, I’ve also seen how as a specie we’ve become and continue to become more and more understanding of one another as we seek to unify and celebrate our connection in being human living on the earth right now.
I feel I must make a side note here and say that I don’t wish these statements to be construed as idealistic perceptions, indeed I feel it equally important to emphasise the notion that we aren’t all here to be best buddies and sit around the fireplace together resonating deeply on almost all linear and spiritual levels. In my eyes, that will never happen collectively because the co-creative experience of culture, language and belief will never allow it to be and what’s more, such uniformity isn’t what collective balance, peace and indeed co-creation are about! Collective balance, peace and co-creation are about acknowledging our different choices in co-creative resplendence and inside of this acknowledgement, remembering how to recognise and honour the piece of ourselves (no matter how we wish to define that piece) that lives in each other no matter how that other chooses to live their co-creative life and express their linear and existential beliefs. Rather wonderfully though, I see how we’re now on this path together and as is such, how we’re slowly learning not to judge, condemn or even resist the darkness we see in our world anymore because inside, we’re all beginning to realise that our resistance only serves to prolong the darkness’s manifestation. Instead, we’re starting to give the darkness the acceptance and compassion it’s here to create, non-judgementally dealing with it in a balanced, systematic and loving way as we help it continue to gently disperse out of reality.
Humanity and the world still aren’t perfect and in all honesty, I don’t think we will ever be, at least not in the ways we interpret the word perfect to be anyway. What humanity and the world are though is ours: our home, our creation and our responsibility to bring into balance and this all starts within. It is in this place of balanced intention that we can truly start to realise how the reality we see is a manifested reflection of our inner selves and as a result of this perception shift, we’ll begin to see how the earth mirrors that manifested reflection back to us in the materialisation of the collective human experience and the dynamics of the earth itself. That’s just how it works! Then again, please don’t just take my word for it. Instead, go inside and discover it for yourself! You’re the most powerful source of everything you know and don’t let anyone or anything other than you ever inform you otherwise.
Balance is coming, indeed it’s already in motion as we speak and read these very words and all we need do is intend to open our arms to it and allow our intention to join the ride. It must be remembered here though that balance is by no means the end point because balance is just another part of the journey and perhaps the point where the real adventure begins. How, when and where this will happen I’ve no idea, however, if I look at how much light and love we’ve already created in a dark and unbalanced world, I can’t help but sit with curious excitement at the prospect of the manifestations and connections we could possibly co-create together inside an already balanced world. These realms of possibility truly defy anything I can give conscious imagination to.
Is this it then? Is this the end of our time together now? It is of this tale, yes, but it certainly isn’t the end of the journey. With the prospect of balance placed firmly inside our mindful eye, we must know that regardless of where we end this conversation that our journey has only just begun. Connecting and remaining connected to it is just the next step and with every breath and footstep we take towards a balanced self and a balanced humanity, we will deepen this connection.
Before I leave you though, I feel it’s important to mention that I haven’t told you what I “did” or where I “was” at that point in my life. This is because it really doesn’t matter what any of us “do” or who we “are” in order to live balance and create connection in our lives. It just matters that we find our way to strike our match, hold our light and illuminate, work with, learn from and evolve into the co-creative space we see around us. Right now, that’s what we’re here on earth to do! All the other doings, beings, knowings and goings on of our lives are just aspects of co-creative exploration here to support our facilitation and experience of remembering, creating and holding our light. It doesn’t matter what the facilitation of our experience is, it just matters that we support the light while we do it! Try to remember this as you move on now because there’s no expectation of you here, there’s only a choice of whether or not you wish to open your eyes to the magnificence that is you, or the choice to not. Regardless of this choice though, please know that the judgement will always remain the same because it will always be love. Love that you chose to make the choice you did and love that you did not. There’s no hierarchy to the love of your choices here, there’s just love that you chose to be here to make the choice (or not as the case may be) in the first place.
And you have made that choice my friend, you most certainly have. Your intentions having guided you into greeting this very moment, creating the intuitions and synchronicities that have allowed us to spend this passage of time together inside each other’s perspectives. Where you choose to go from here is of course, your choice, but before you go, I just wish you to consider one final thing. Who do you really think you’re communicating with here? Is it just me, Tim Hurtletuta, talking with you or are my words actually coming from a deeper place of communication inside of you? Could you perhaps be trying to convey and resonate your own inner wisdom with yourself? I mean, these words and concepts of mine are in your head right now, are they not? Are they yours? Are they mine? Or are they both of ours combined? Come to think of it, they’re channelling through both our filters and interpretations of the present moment at the same time, the conceptual intent behind the words used and our interpretations of them creating a timeless language that’s speaking to us both right here and now, regardless of where that here and now actually is. Could this mean that on some level you and I are connected? Could this mean that you and I are one? It’s all food for thought isn’t it? I bid you a wonderful day.
Thank you so much for giving your time to read the second tale in the Tim Hurtletuta series.
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Thanks again and I wish you a wonderful journey.
"After every new beginning comes a period of balance, a space for realignment where the seeds of that new beginning can take root and grow. But what is balance? Through the expression of humanity, balance can be perceived in so many different ways, making it near impossible to find a universal understanding of its form. What connects us inside this conundrum however, is the remembrance of how balance manifests itself through our collective humanity. A manifestation that regardless of our myriad of linear interpretations and ways of being, will always conceptually unite us as one. On one fine summer's eve, with his nearest and dearest by his side, Tim invites you to return to his journey and unite your unique perception with his. Your presence will be sure to help create a remarkably good evening." The Tales of Tim Hurtletuta is a profound and quirky fictional journey exploring one man's unique remembrance of this beautiful conundrum called life. Book Two, Balance, is a continuation of that journey. An inspirational story of personal discovery and how such discovery connects the inner world we witness with outer world we see. Although it would be awesome if you read Book One, "The Tales of Tim Hurtletuta - New Beginnings", before you read this book, it must be noted that there is no prerequisite that indicates that you need to. Although this story is indeed a continuation of what has been, it has also been designed to stand alone in its own right too. As is such, please trust your intuition on where is the right place for you to join Tim's journey. You can't go wrong. Please note that the novel has been written and edited in British English.