Wes took a sip from his Bud Light and looked around the bar for some sweet poon tang.
He knew he was looking absolutely desirable in his two hundred dollar Hollister skinny jeans with multiple tears in all of the right places with white paint stained all over them. Wes knew there was nothing women desired more than a man who looked like he did rough and gritty work, but had the feminine soft hands that proved he didn’t get too dirty. Wes also had an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt that resembled Jerry Seinfeld’s puffy pirate shirt. It didn’t look great at all, but it was seventy dollars at the register and Wes knew that’s all that mattered.
On Wes’ head he was wearing a visor he had found at American Eagle. It looked worn and tattered and cost thirty bucks. Wes knew by the end of the night, it would be on the bedpost of a girl who had a slight obsession with Channing Tatum five years ago. Wes had considered buying an actual hat at American Eagle, but then he couldn’t style his hair with Axe hair paste to look like a douchey privileged version of Kramer from Seinfeld.
Wes’ eyes were directed over to the right side of the bar, he saw an attractive blonde with a rack worthy of pressing against a car window in a wet t-shirt. Wes visualized how the night would go if he brought her back to his place and was boning her on his leather couch. He imagined what her sweat would smell like mixed with the new car smell of pleather. After he played it out, visualing it from every angle and inspecting it for any flaw like a perverted Stanley Kubrick, he decided that she would be just right.
Wes began making his way towards her. Once Wes got closer, he noticed the shirt she was wearing and cringed. On the front was Olaf, the snowman from Frozen. Wes began to shiver and shake like Michael J Fox on a cold windy Chicago morning while making his way back. Wes assumed this was a girl who filled the holes that were her daddy issues with Disney princess films. In his head, Wes could see this girl at Halloween parties over the years dressing like Cinderella and her date as Prince Charming, or as Belle from Beauty and the Beast and her date of course being The Beast. Wes visualized the Halloween party he would have to go to with this empty and hollow woman. He dressed as The Beast as he looked around the party at other guys dressed as Disney princes with their girlfriends hoping to get a piece of ass in a room only lit by candlelight inside of a Jack O’Lantern.
Wes visualized fucking this girl dressed as The Beast. He of course wearing the costume during sex. He also imagined multiple guys over the years wearing the same exact costume giving it to this girl. She of course only dating men who could fit into the costume. Wes now visualized the costume hanging near the girl’s bed and her getting prepared for Halloween night, where a new suitor would ravish her privates as she wondered if his privates and seed would fill the hole that her father had dug into her soul after picking a hefty work schedule with a voluptuous secretary over spending time with his little girl.
Adult girls who had a thing for Disney made Wes cringe more than a pedophile around pubic hair.
Wes scanned the bar once more with a hurried desperation looking for a girl to plow like a coked up farmer. He visualized himself as the Terminator, scanning girls for possible daddy issues or ones who weren’t here to hook up but were looking for love and commitment. Love and commitment in Wes’ eyes was the vile imaginative aspects of life that were programmed into gullible women who dropped their walls of sanity to the works of Nicholas Sparks.
Love and commitment in this day and age made about as much sense as an over bearing entity who commanded a man circumsize his son and a magical being who could walk on water and turn water into wine, like a low budget Criss Angel or David Blaine.
Wes continued to scan the bar with a rushed aggressive glance. It was on the third look over that he realized he had passed by a busty blonde who was physically twin like with the Disney fan girl. The improvement regarding this bombshell was that she wore clothing from the same stores Wes shopped at. She was probably used to a man who bathed in cologne, hopefully that didn’t mean she had slept with a Persian. Wes swallowed vomit at the thought of this woman being tainted by a Persian who probably worked out during the graveyard shift and wore all Puma.
Wes walked up to the blonde and leaned on the bar as he smirked at her.
“Hey, we shop in the same section of the mall. Wanna go back to my place?”
The girl looked into Wes’ eyes with a look of thought and concentration.
“Did you have a ridiculous fascination with the film 300 in high school?”
Wes rolled his eyes. “Psh of course! Every workout I do up in the fucking gym is Spartan approved babe.”
Wes followed this comment up by doing a double biceps pose and then bringing his arms down to puff his chest out. They were the only two body parts he worked on.
“In middle school did you want to be Duke Nukem?”
“Have you ever raped a girl and celebrated by going home and watching Entourage.”
Wes leaned in so what he said would be a whisper. “While smelling my fingers as I watched an entire season in one sitting.”
“Ok you can defile me.” The busty blonde downed her martini and began to make her way to the door. Wes thought about making a comment about how she should save that to drink after he cums in her mouth, but thought it was better to make jokes in such bad taste after he got his sweet American pie.
After Wes ejaculated on the girl’s back, he tossed her a used towel from earlier to wipe herself off. He’s huffing and puffing while laughing to himself like a runner who had won an impossible race.
“Wow, that was more acrobatic than what they make those Chinese kids do to decide if their parents live.”
“It was ok.” Replied the busty blonde. She then glanced at the ground and saw something that made her heart do back flips.
“Oh my god is that a condom?”
Wes looked at it with a look as if he was recalling a long lost memory and laughed. “O yeah, I took it off right before I penetrated you.”
The girl looked at him like she had just used aftershave for the first time.
“What?” said Wes, shrugging his shoulders. “Gonorrhea is still treatable right?”
“So are you going to eat me out or what?”
Wes looked at the busty blonde like she had just reached into a jar full of leeches, grabbed a fistful and shoved said fist into her vagina.
The busty blonde shook her head, as if to shake off an outburst of anger. “I said are you going to eat me out? My pussy feels like a fire!”
Wes glared at her. “Well then maybe you should go make some s’mores.”
The girl gave Wes a surprised laugh. “I’d prefer your tongue.”
Wes frowned. “I don’t exactly do that sort of thing.”
The girl looked at him as her jaw dropped trying to process what he was saying. “But I sucked your dick!”
Wes shook his head with a joyful laugh behind it. “You see, that is completely different. An erected penis is like a wonderful piece of exotic fruit, enticing to the taste buds. It is a multi-layered piece of candy if you will, like a tootsie pop. Give it a few licks and a foamy prize comes oozing down into your throat. It’s like cracking open a coconut on an island owned by a multi-millionaire. But a vagina, now a vagina is not sweet to the taste buds, more bitter and acidic, like a lemon grown on a tree in the darkest pit of hell. Why would I eat something as filthy as a vagina? I might as well eat out of a dumpster behind Taco Bell. For Christ’s sake you bleed from there! I wouldn’t eat a dead fetus, why would I eat a vagina?”
The busty blonde stood up and began to quickly put on her clothing. After she was clothed, she slapped Wes across the face. She then ran out before Wes could see her cry, slamming the door behind her.
“Sorry if I won’t do something only a Fear Factor contestant would!” shouted Wes.
After the excruciating sex and ejaculating what felt like a five pound dumbbell, Wes decided it was time to rest. He laid down and closed his eyes.
“Fuck a woman and don’t make her cum and they all turn insane, such a weak and fragile species the woman.”
Wes muttered more problems he found with the female species before finally drifting off into sleep.
As Wes woke up the following morning, the sun shined down on him brighter than ever. It almost felt as if the sun was in the room with him. Wes held up his hand to his face and groaned.
“Why did they turn up the brightness of the sun?” Wes muttered to himself. “It was already bright enough. OH MY GOD I’LL BE BLIND. I’LL NEED A K-9 WHO CAN SNIFF OUT VAGINA FOR THE SLEAZY AFFICANADO THAT I AM.”
Wes saw a hand and felt a slap across his face. Did the busty blonde return?
“Shut up you testosterone fueled faggot!”
Wes felt a cold chill rush down his spine as he heard the words yelled at him.
“Who the fuck was that? Who’s there? How’d you get in? I’m not a faggot! I only let that guy suck me off for five minutes. He didn’t even make me cum! I jacked myself off!”
What Wes realized was a spotlight, not the sun was dimmed down so Wes could see two women in Nazi general uniforms. They both looked fugly at best, like they had just crawled out of some abandoned library.
“We are the Feminazis, and you’re our toy now Wes!”
Wes jumped up out of bed and ran for the bedroom door. As he made his way towards the doorway, another Feminazi stepped into view. She looked like the professional wrestler Chyna. Her uniform had the sleeves ripped off and the swatiska arm band squeezed around her massive and veiny biceps. Wes ran directly into a right hook and was knocked out cold within seconds.
After Wes came to, he noticed that he was currently in a dim lit room in what looked like a basement. The Feminazis had been waiting for him to wake up. They were standing between him and the doorway. Wes sat up and rubbed his chin.
“W-who are you?”
“We are the Feminazis! I am General Jane Goring.”
“And I am Commander Janis Himmler”
“They call me Dicky Von Chop” said the buff Feminazi while crossing her arms. “You can probably imagine why.”
Dicky Von Chop popped her fingers for dramatic effect. Wes felt his penis shrivel up during this.
“We are the ones who police Tumblr!” said General Jane Goring.
“We make sure men aren’t as opinionated as us.” Said Commander Janis. “OR THERE SHALL BE CONSEQUENCES! PUBLIC SHAMING! HAIL MENSTRATION!”
All three Feminazis held up their right arm and hailed menstruation.
“What the fuck do you want with me?”
“We heard on a hook up complaint website that you do not eat pussy” said General Jane. The look she gave as she said this made it look as if it physically pained her to visualize someone who wouldn’t eat out a woman.
“Don’t eat pussy?” said Dicky Von Chop. “Fucking men! And yet you used that tongue for ice cream as a child, pathetic!”
“I just think it’s gross” said Wes. “Vaginas just aren’t sanitary for the tongue.”
Commander Janis walked up to Wes and slapped him. “A pussy is a forbidden fountain everybody strives to bathe in. Dicks are just the creature that lives in the black lagoon.”
“And vaginas aren’t that black lagoon?”
Dicky Von Chop marched over to Wes and chopped him across the chest. The sound of the chop echoed in the basement followed by Wes’ groans of pain.
“Only when they’re infected with a dick like yours! Your erection is the Ebola of sex!”
Dicky Von Chop marched out of the room. In under a minute she came back with a square of carpet. She dropped the carpet in front of Wes and crossed her arms.
Dicky Von Chop grabbed Wes by his hair and shoved his face into the carpet.
“LICK THE CARPET FUCKFACE! THE CARPET FIBERS ARE THE CLIT! MAKE THEM ALL CUM!”
Wes screamed like a tortured prisoner as he tongue brushed up against the rough carpet.
“Ahh it burns!”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” cried General Jane. “Feel the burn!”
The Feminazis marched a circle around Wes commanding that he feel the burn. Wes licked and licked. He licked with such aggression that his tongue caught on fire. Dicky Von Chop threw a bucket of water at him, putting out the fire.
“Yes!” said Commander Janis. “You’re learning the ways of the pussy.”
After this they closed and locked the door to Wes’ room. An hour or so after they left, Wes drifted off into sleep. Given that he didn’t want to lick the carpet again, this was his only choice.
The following morning, the Feminazis came into Wes’ holding room. They woke him up and made him stand at attention. Commander Janis depanted Wes as Dicky Von Chop made her way out of the room.
“Ugh finally! I thought you chicks were never going to jump on my bone, but they always do.” Stated Wes with a legend killer smirk as he developed an erection.
General Jane smacked Wes’ penis. “Down boy! No erections in mein bunker! They are oppression to my vaginal beliefs!”
Wes screeched and began to groan. “O this is nothing like Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS!”
“O but it is” said General Jane. “Like the main character you will not be cumming!”
Dicky Von Chop now entered the room holding a chastity belt. Before Wes could process what was happening Dicky Von Chop picked him up, put him in the chastity belt and locked it.
“You will not be taking this off until you can lick a clit like a blind man sealing envelopes so I suggest you learn fast fuckboy!” said Dicky Von Chop.
General Jane stood in front of Wes and dropped her pants. Wes began to dry heave as he saw her fat and hairy bush.
“O Christ! It looks like a hedge you’d see in front of an abandoned mansion.”
General Jane backhanded Wes as hard as she could, he fell to his knees and tasted blood.
“Blasphemy! This is woman in her purest form! If I see pussy on Tumblr and they don’t have a bush like me, I publicly shame them until they’re out of a job and on the verge of suicide!”
General Jane dropped down to all fours in a position where she looked like a Linda Blair in The Exorcist. She then began to crab walk over to Wes while flapping her tongue.
“Rip and tear my pussy Wes, rip and tear my fucking pussy!”
General Jane crab walked until her pussy was practically shoved down Wes’ throat. Wes began using his tongue to please her. As Wes licked and licked, Jane moaned.
As the minutes rolled by, Wes could feel his tongue losing speed and power. After the first hour passed by, Wes felt his jaw clinch up and had to tap out. Wes fell down face first into the ground and General Jane rolled her eyes as she pulled her pants up.
“Ugh! You’ve improved, but you still have the tongue of a bro who wears Affliction and enjoys the Fast and Furious franchise!”
General Jane marched out of the room and slammed the door. Wes could hear her locking it from the outside.
The only form of entertainment Wes had was a touch screen pad that only had access to feminist porn in his room. Given that he had nothing else to do and felt he had slept enough for now, he decided to see what exactly feminist porn was. He touched the screen and put on a title called Tweet This Fuckwad!
The film began with a guy with spiked up hair covered in gel. He was drooling over his cell phone. The camera cut to the screen to show that he was using twitter to tweet out the hashtag #FeministsAreUgly.
“With this tweet I shall end the world of feminists know it today! There shall be no more bra burning or HBO sitcoms with average looking girls, only a life of baking pies for fundraisers inside of a kitchen they’ll never leave, other than sucking my conservative cock in the bedroom obviously!” the guy followed this up with an evil Bond villain laugh.
After saying all of this, three fat and disgusting looking women flew through the air. They were dressed as superheroes wearing bright pink capes with a car muff on it.
“O drats” said the guy. “Not the Defenders of the Muff!”
“Well if it isn’t our nemesis, Testosterone Ted!” said one of the Defenders of the Muff, who looked like a reject member of Reel Big Fish with dyed hair, glasses and multiple tattoos.
“Quit oppressing us with your testicular opinions Ted!” said a Defender of the Muff who appeared to be Asian. She resembled Yoko Ono if she ate John Lennon and took up Sumo wrestling as a career.
“Yeah Ted! We want equal rights, so delete your tweet and stay voiceless!” said a Defender of the Muff who looked like Kate Micucci from Garfunkel and Oates if she ate Kelly Clarkson.
“O it’s too late for that feminists! My tweet is already trending so you just might as well go to Macy’s and apply whatever makeup is trendy!”
“NEVER!” yelled Yoko Ono Defender of the Muff.
Yoko Ono and Reel Big Fish flew into the air and straight to Testosterone Ted. Both girls grabbed a thumb and ripped it from his hands. Testosterone Ted screamed in pain as blood flowed from the open wounds.
“NO! HOW SHALL I TWEET FOR MY MENINIST PAGES?”
Next, Kate Micucci Defender of the Muff took to the air and and flew towards Testosterone Ted. She reached into his mouth and pulled out his tongue.
Testosterone Ted opened his mouth and said something inbetween gargling up blood. Wes read the subtitles that appeared on the screen.
“Now how will I tell people that Pinterest is only for girls who will grow up to be surrounded by their mother’s old cookbooks in a studio apartment?”
The Defenders of the Muff took the body parts they held and shoved them down the pants of their costumes. As they pleasured themselves with the discarded body parts, beams of light shot up towards the air. The film followed the beams of light over to the headquarters of Twitter. In the film, they depicted the headquarters as a blue building with a giant mural of a blue bird on their building.
The three beams of light combined and destroyed the Twitter building, resembling any explosion seen in the Die Hard films. The film then showed how screenshots and retweets of Testosterone Ted’s tweet virtually disappeared from the internet like memories in front of the Men in Black.
“We did it girls” said Reel Big Fish Defender of the Muff.
“The world is once again safe for women.” Said Yoko Ono Defender of the Muff.
“Menstruation prevails!” said the Garfunkel and Oates Defender of the Muff.
They took to the air and left Testosterone Ted thumbless and tongueless.
“Wow….” Said Wes unable to remove his eyes from the screen. “That made Siberian Film look like Veggie Tales.”
Wes turned off the screen and sat back against the wall trying to imagine how he was going to get out of this very fucked up situation. He wondered to himself if he could kill one of the Feminazis, cut her flesh off and wear it and get them to believe he was one of them. It seemed unlikely. He would probably first need to adapt an unhealthy obsession with cats and smell of first blind dates that never lead to second dates before that ever happened.
As Wes stared off into the distance, he saw a piece of paper rolled up in a hole in one of the walls. He walked over to the wall and pulled out the piece of paper.
So I was captured by these freakin dykes who want me to eat pussy. How fucked up and gross is that? What next? Support gay rights? Yeah, that’s about as likely as me not watching the NFL playoffs and yelling nigger at the screen when a football player doesn’t perform to my standards.
Spoilers: That ain’t never fucking happenin baby. I played junior year so I know what it’s like to give it you’re all on the field, and I call those monkeys on their laziness!
Anyways, back to eating the snatches of these bitches who look like something that crawled out of Margaret Cho’s asshole, got a face lift at some place inside of Rosie O Donnell’s asshole and moved into Janeane Garofalo’s asshole.
I can’t see myself ever eating pussy. Wood any of the characters on Entourage eat pussy? Only faggots eat pussy!
Wes felt refreshed after reading the letter. He would find a way out of this hellhole without giving up the sanctity of his tongue. Hell, if Wes was going to taste fish he’d just got to Long John Silvers!
As he was putting away the letter, he saw a second one inside of the wall. Wes pulled this one out, unrolled it and began to read.
I need to get the fuck out of here. I can’t rot away in this shithole with these cunt Feminazis. I should be in a Hooters hitten on some girl I bullied in high school while I watch a UFC PPV. Maybe I well eat out those broads. With there hairy bushes I can just pretend that I’m kissing the sweet and seductive lips of the great Pam Grier. Back when she was rocking an afro in her exploitation films, such cinematic classics like Women in Cages, Foxy Brown and Scream Blacula Scream. It’ll make something as horrible and morbid like eating pussy far easier on my mental health.
Wes nodded at this, of course. It had been so simple. He would just pretend the hairy bushes of the feminazis are the sweet and tinder lips of Pam Grier. He knew it was what he would have to do because just like Dominic, he wanted to be in a place as sleazy as Hooters. He missed the wings and aroma of cum building up in the testicles of men who had been unsatisfied for years. The air that was filled with hate and testosterone was something Wes loved. He wished Yankee Candle made a scent so he could have the experience at home.
Wes laid back and until he grew tired, imagined what it would be like visualizing Pam Grier’s face as he ate these horrible looking broads out. Hopefully they were hygienic so it was easier to imagine, hopefully.
Once Wes fell asleep and entered the dream world, he found himself in a Zen garden surrounded by beautiful trees, water fountains and Asian men brushing sand. In the middle of this area stood an older man. There was nothing about him that said he was a sleazy pervert, but something inside of Wes was telling him that the man was sleazier than a character Ron Jeremy portrayed.
“You are young Wes, captive of the Feminazis yes?” said the old man.
Wes nodded in reply.
“Tis I who will teach you the ancient arts of licking pussy. I shall teach you techniques so powerful, it’ll kill the feminazis and you’ll be able to escape.”
Wes seemed taken back. “Woah! Kill them? But they’ll just release me once I make them cum.”
The old man rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“Are you stupid enough to think they’re going to release you? Once you make them cum they’ll kill you! Once you make them cum they’ll see you as too powerful and kill you. Then they’ll chop your dick off like all the others.”
The old man took Wes’ hand and they flew through the air like The Ghost of Christmas Past and Ebenezer Scrooge.
They landed in a room right next door to where Wes was currently held captive. He looked down at himself sleeping and found it quite odd.
Once they had entered the room, Wes looked around in horror. Surrounding him were dozens upon dozens of severed penises. These penises would never be inside of another girl they had just made eye contact with at a bar while Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing played. Wes stayed silent as he looked at every penis as a way of paying respect.
“Now you know how severe the situation you’re in is.”
“But how will you train me to because a master of eating pussy to such a degree that I can kill someone with my tongue?”
“Oh I have my methods boy.”
Wes’ dream then turned into a very sleazy training montage. First he began by chasing a girl who was dressed like a chicken. There was a slit in the costume for easy access. After Wes had finally caught up with her, he threw her down and began eating her out until she exploded like a volcano. Next was a girl hanging by her back from a meat hook. Wes had a condom over his tongue with a boxing glove on it. He ate her out until she squirted. As her screams echoed in the meat locker, a southern giant came in with a flesh mask on wielding a chainsaw. Somehow, Wes escaped without being chopped up. Before Wes woke up, he recalled running across the beach with a black woman, beating her in the race and celebrating by eating her out underwater. She came so hard, she shot up into the air like a bottle rocket.
After Wes woke up, he flicked his tongue around and could feel the strength and muscle now within it. He felt like he was ready to bust out of his holding cell.
Once Wes was up for an hour or so, the door to the room he was in was kicked open and the feminazis marched in.
“Are we finally ready to eat pussy Wes?” asked General Jane.
“Yeah Wes, ready to make me feel like the Nazis when they occupied France?” asked Commander Janis.
“You better make me cum or I’m gonna snap your dick six million times” said Dicky Von Chop.
“O I’m ready girls”
It was General Jane who first took her pants off and sat on Wes’ face. She rode his tongue like it was a mechanical bull in a rundown country bar. Commander Janis and Dicky Von Chop watched with awe as Wes made Genral Jane scream and moan.
After a half hour, Wes made General Jane cum. She squirted so much fluid out; she now had a six pack from all the water weight she had lost. As she came, Wes held her so she couldn’t get away. He continued to eat her out, to the point where her body now ejaculated blood. It was the only fluid left in her. Wes sucked her dry like a sleazy leech.
Once the girls realized what was happening, Wes had rolled over to them and began to finger both of them at the same time. The pleasure and precision with how he fingered them kept them immobile and distracted. His chop stick like method shut the girls’ brains off and kept them opened to the pleasure.
Wes focused his tongue on Commander Jane. Within minutes, he had her cumming through her eyeballs. She came so hard that her eyeballs popped out of her skull. Next, the fluids rushed up from her through her throat and flooded her mouth. She died drowning in her own pleasure soda.
All that was left was the roided up goon, Dicky Von Chop. Wes bent down and began to eat her out. The stench and aroma coming from her was horrible. The steroids in her system made her vagina taste sour and metallic. Wes was able to continue when he thought back on the letters that the feminazis had no doubt written. He closed his eyes and distracted himelf away from the overbearing stench. He imagined that he was in a field of flowers with Pam Grier, making out with her before they got down to fucking like rabbits hopped up on cocaine.
Wes’ tongue began to beat at Dicky Von Chop’s gigantic clit like it was a speed bag. Wes rolled up his tongue for one final punch and gave it all he had.
This caused an orgasm so powerful that Dicky Von Chop’s vagina exploded like a bomb and split her body into two.
After all three Feminazis were dead, Wes ran out of the house and into the streets.
Once he was able to recover from being held captive by the Feminazis, Wes and the city created a memorial burial ground for the bros who had lost their lives and johnsons to the Feminazis. At the ceremony, Wes sprayed a can of Axe body spray into the wind to signify that the bros who lost their lives to the Feminazis would continue to go on and would be wherever we could smell Axe Phoenix.
Wes is currently writing a book about the sexual encounters and drunken nights he’s shared with people who wanted to hang out with the survivor of the Feminazis. Ironically, he is also opening a sports bar with Tucker Max.