The Earthling – Throw Him Out
Copyright 2015 Vampire Man
Disclaimer:-This is purely for satirical purpose. The intention is to insult and make fun of anything that comes to the author’s mind. [Actually I don’t get it. When I am not claiming anything what should I disclaim for?] Reading this or any other work of this author may be injurious to your mental health. It may be invigorating as well. It completely depends on your IQ. Less than fifty mandatory for continuing further.
“I am a man, father and husband. Not necessarily in that order.”
“The registered name on my deportation ID is Ark NotKnoWhatNeh and I have upper case initials in my last name.”The planets were moving around the sky like they always do. Actually I don’t know what else to describe when I am uttering statements of historic and intrinsic importance. Ok I copied that line from the movie National Treasure[great movie by the way Part 1 of course. Part 2 sucked. Nic should retire. He is re tiring everyone else.]
“I am a mechanical engineer, a PhD in robotics from MIT and I make Batman toys with tooth picks and gum. I give it to my 2 year old son and explain the importance of model building to him. He still doesn’t know who a batman is, so it works.” “Yesterday my wife asked me if I was capable to repair the angelic refrigerator sitting in my house. It was snorting. I said I couldn’t. So she complained to the authorities that I had cheated her. That I had told her before marrying her that I was a cryogenic researcher with ten international papers to my credit. From my point of view refrigerator was too hot a body. And now I am being sent to Mars. On deportation. The reason why mars was selected as my destination has nothing scientific about it. In my astrological chart, Mars falls in my ascendant. So, everyone thinks that would be best.
“Let me be honest. That is what every liar starts with. I mean at least that’s what every liar told me before he/she lied. It makes them lie better I think. Otherwise why would you lie before lying. C’mon Let me be honest. Who in the neither worlds is holding you to be dishonest man. Jeez. Anyways, this is not the first time that I have got a complaint to be deported. I once told my PhD guide that he had brains of a peanut, when he told me 79 dollars and fifty cents minus 18 dollars and twenty five cents is 61 dollars and 25 cents. Somehow I thought that it was fifty dollars and 75 cents.” Actually I didn’t stop with that peanut comment. I pulled in his parents and teachers and all elders who had ever appreciated him and tagged them as monkey brains.
“Technically, I am jobless graduate who sits before the computer and thinks how Dan Brown hit the jackpot. Yeah this pondering is right after I ‘choclatize’[I am the famous inventor of this phrase, which means deliciously enjoy] blogs which write about J KRowling’s success and fortune. I go through the Da Vinci code numerous amount of times and do not go for a paid job. That kind of intuition exists in me, that if I stare at the Da Vinci code, then suddenly the Gods of Wealth will select me as a worthy heir to Dan Brown and communicate the recipe of next international best seller.” This was the second time when I had received the deportation complaint. See, one is eligible to 2 pardons. Because my guide did not have any other PhD student he had to forgive me.
As I am a mechanical engineer the earthlings have trusted me with the responsibility to build a small rocket ship, which will take me to mars. I have 500 Sols for that. 1 Sol- is equal to 1 day on Earth. This is for all naïve readers who have no connection with advanced relativistic mechanics using which solar days are calculated.
As I am a mechanical engineer I am suppose to grow plants using my own manure. Gosh how am I suppose to do that? Am I a botanists to grow potatoes? Of course I have to come up with some easier mechanism the way The Orange Tree grows in the movie The Illusionist. That would seriously be much easier for a guy with my expertise. Nasa [Naas, Nasal, Nassau, Nada, Napa – these are the words , which Microsoft word throws up if I right clic the red underlined ‘Nasa’. Frankly I don’t even know what these kind of words exits in my universe. Ok I knew nasal from my experience with the toddler but remaining were oblong] has also provided me with a Iron Man Lab – Stark Lab kinda thing and told me that I could cover a distance of about two hundred meters using a hole in my suit and mars is nearest at some…..miles. I need to find out how many holes will my suit require to generate that much of thrust. That would truly cut down the cost of rocket. Or at least I will fly in rocket till the exosphere and then do the iron man thing. Robert Downey Jr. would be jealous of me then.
My Lab is five hundred and fifty miles from where I stay so I have to “F***” the science of this motorcycle to drive myself there. I need to study IC engines and every other thing that resides in the bike so that I don’t freeze in the night.
Finally I need to carry a mirror, which obeys the laws of relativity and does not distort since I need to look at my face and shave. You see it should not happen that the mirror ages differently than me and starts showing an older version of me every time I see into it. I will be shaving everyday until then. I need to become very fat in this due course for my body to withstand the g-force as well. But I would like to thank the whole world to have given 5 billion dollars to ensure that I go into outer space. Thank you humanity for this generous endeavor.
#A True Fan# of The Martian# Genuinely!