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Terry's Joke Collection Volume One - Animal to Bar Jokes

[]Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 – Animal Jokes

World’s Fastest Dog

Outrageous Vet Bill

The Pet Rabbit

Bolivian Rooster

A Special Frog

The Frog and the Engineer

The Profane Parrot

Dogs and Cats

Crime Doesn’t Pay

Dolphin Research

Duck in the Bar

She’ll Never Know

A Frog in the Bank

[*Watering Your Camel ]

[*A Lot of Bull ]

[*Piano Player’s Monkey ]

[*Monkey in the Bar ]

[*Stupic Horse ]

[*We can Rebuild Him ]

[* Trained Alligator *]

[* Dogs will be Dogs *]

[* Whale of a Good Time *]

[* Fleas in Flordia *]

[* Stick to the Script *]

[* Stop the Music *]

Cat in Heaven

Monkey Business

Christmas Parrot

[*Sniffer Dog ]

Bear in the Bar

The Rooster Race

The Learning Curve

The Magician and the Parot

[*Three Mice in the Bar ]

Talk to the Animals

What Am I ?

Political Puppies

The Presidential Parrot

Four Smart Dogs

Jet Fan’s Dog

Breakfast on the Farm

Ducks in Court

Chicken and the Egg

Action at the Doggie Bar

Truckload of Penguins

High Jumping Kangaroo

Snail on the Doormat

Vanpire Bat

Primate Philosopher

Turtle in the Tree

Spiders Mating

Psychic and the Frog

Pilots and Penguins

Pool Full of Alligators

Grasshopper and the Ant

The Perfect Pet

Rabbit in the Fridge

Six Foot Cockroach

The Mouse That Roared

Most Fearsome Animal

Rabbits and Foxes

Veterinarian’s Sideline

Eating an Eagle

Myna Bird

Multilingual Parrot

Card Playing Dog

Doggie Job Interview

Vicious Dog

Dog at the Movie

Play with the Dog

Very Smart Dog

Doggie Creation

Purebred Police Dog

Poignant Message

Talking Dog in the Bar

Ferocious Dog

A Special Pig

The Rabbit’s Thesis

Very Impressive

Well Read Chickens

Snail Speedster

Feeding the Pigs

Traveling Vultures

Inflight Service

Tools of the Trade

[* The Happy Koala *]

Two Tigers

Pious Parrots

Doggie Gossip

Ain’t That a Bitch

[*Vulgar Parrot ]

[*Strange trio ]

Atheist and the Bear

[*Talking Dog for Sale ]

Giraffe in the Bar

Bad Guide Dog

Horse and the Chicken

Talented Hamster

Toys for Your Parrot

Cross-eyed Dog

[* The Pet Frog *]

Police Dog in Action

Bear Abuse

Panda in a Restaurant

Are Dogs Allowed?

A Drink Named After You

Zebra in Heaven

Jehovah’s Witness

The Dog’s Funeral

[* Lady's Pet Frog *]

[* Parrot with No Legs *]

Jungle Mugging

Flat Farm Cat

Mime at the Zoo

Counting Sheep

Expensive Parrots

The Bull Elephant

Blind Men and an Elephant

The Horny Eagle

Canine Caddy

Duck in the Drug Store

Dancing Duck

Dog’s Ear Infection

The Stork Family

Wittle Wabbits

The Bar Elephant

The Rabbit and the Bear

[*Smart Hunting Dogs ]

Slow Race Horse

The Aroused Gorilla

Baby Camel

Gorilla Chase

Impressive Hunting Dog

Faulty Farm Phone

Smart Cat

[* The Gay Grizzly Bear *** *]

[*Puny Alligator ]

[* Penguin Breakdown *]

Drunk and Disorderly

Dog and Cat Diary

Those Lucky Lions

The Elephant and the Camel

The Pheasant and the Bull

Rude Parrot

Bragging Race Horses

The Goony Bird

Roach Rhetoric

Rabbit and the Bear

Three Little Pigs

A Drink for the Talking Dog

Very Harsh Detergent

More Doggone Plants

Animal Sounds

Chapter 2 – Aviation Jokes

[* Surviving the Storm *]

A Slight Delay

Bailing Out

[*I Didn’t Catch Your Name ]

[* Take Me to Iraq *]

[* Pierre the Fighter Pilot *]

Blonde Stewardess Trainee

The Old Box Lunch

Thanks for Flying XYZ Airline

Blonde Pilot

Courageous Conduct

[* Fleas in Florida *]

Blonde on a Flight to New York

Do the Math

Ticket Please

Pulling Rank

[*Colorful Dogfight ]

Navy Fighter Pilot

International Competition

[*Sniffer Dog ]

A Sensible Solution

Jet Fuel

Sorry About That

A Rare Condition

Taxed to the Limit

[*Just in Case ]

Proper Grammar

Make Me Feel Like a Woman

You Can Buy Happiness

Emergency Navigation

Canada’s Worst Air Disaster

Pilots and Penguins

Traveling Vultures

Delayed Departure

Inflight Service

Chicken Launcher

No Need to Panic

Emergency Landing

Broken Parachute

Seeing Eye Dog

Have a Nice Flight

Flying Blind

Excited Blonde

Blind Skydiver

Airline Wit

Christmas Greetings

Water Landing

Special Fares

Wild Ride

Working the Odds

Blonde Pilot Trainee

Skydiving Class

General and the Brat

Military Aircraft

[*Crossword Puzzle ]

Aerial Photography

Santa’s Check Ride

Flight Control Software

Arabs and the Jew

In Lieu of Prayer

A Rich Doctor

[* Big Planes and Baby Planes *]

Space Age Technology

Pilot’s Vision Test

Passenger Safety

Try to Do This

Fasten Your Seatbelt

[*Maiden Flight ]

The Travel Voucher

[*Rescheduled Flight ]

360 Degree Turn

Using the Ladies Room

Blonde Hijacker

Texas Hospitality

More Information Needed

Noise Abatement

I See Him

Last Known Position

Hot Landing

White Knuckle Landing

Speak English Please

Runway Roadkill

Cute Little Plane

Frankfurt Ground Control

Female Controller

Flight Information

[* Stewardess Sex *]

Chapter 3 – Bar & Pub Jokes

[*Cowboy Saloon ]

Small Voices

[*The Old Bar Fly ]

[*Make it a Triple ]

The Bar Bully

[*Monkey in the Bar ]

Made in the USA

[*Piano Player’s Monkey ]

[* Trained Alligator *]

[*The Music Man ]

You Look Familiar

[* Stop the Music *]

[*Got the Message ]

Three Drinks Please

Putting on the Squeeze

Bear in the Bar

Too Drunk to Drive

[*I’ll Take that Bet ]

Sea Stories

A Tiff with Riley

You Need Help

[*Genie with a Hearing Loss ]

Duck in the Bar

Tough Times

[*Let’s Cut to the Chase ]

[*Telepathic Watch ]

Blind Man’s Bluff

Keeping Myself Pure

[*Sheep Country ]

An Honest Answer

Do as You Wish

You’ve Been Drinking Again

Honest Abe

Drinking Bet

Serious Condition

Cold and Lonely

[*A Good Old Boy ]

Under the Influence

Take Another Drink

Big Break

Military Macho

A Cause for Celebration

[* Lucky Guess *]

An Ounce of Prevention

[*I’ve Been Robbed ]

Some Other Guy

Self Image

[*Three Mice in the Bar ]

Drink Orders

I’m Offended

Strange Routine

On Her Knees

No Doze

Cheap Shots in the Bar

Jet Fan’s Dog

Computer Nerds

Toilet Training

[* Free Drink Routine *** *]

A Fly in the Beer

Brewery Bravado

Two Irishmen in a Pub

Mild Irish Temper

Bound for Heaven

Irish Drunk Driver

The Best Pubs Around

[*Brand Loyalty ]

Six Double Vodkas

Action at the Doggie Bar

Snails for Dinner

Talking Dog in the Bar

Ferocious Dog

A Cheaper Cure

The Old Window Trick

Almost Home

[* Good Retort *]

[* The Happy Koala *]

[*Getting Older ]

Don’t Make Me Do It Again

Free Beer

[*Strange Trio ]

Giraffe in the Bar

Talented Hamster

[*Mutual Celebrations ]

[* Five Shots *]

Reporting a Robbery

[* Smooth Move *]

Lawyers Served Here

[*Literally Speaking ]

[*Going Out for a Beer ]

Becoming a Better Person

Sobriety Test

The Blonde Joke

The Angry Boyfriend

Knowing When It’s Right

The Armless Man

Fast Turtle

Twelve Year Old Scotch

Drinks for the House

[* Totally Trashed *** *]

[* Toes Going Wild *]

Mistaken Identity

[*The Ballerina ]

What is It ?

[*Insulting Customer ]

When Does the Bar Open?

A Drink Named After You

Working Too Hard

[* Blonde Orgasims *]

[*The Selfish Scottish Farmer ]

The Chinese Bartender

Redneck Pickup Routine

Robot Bartender

[*A Sad Scottish Story ]

[* Big Body and Small Head *]

The Unbearable Truth

The Exterminator

The Golden Urinal

[* Quick Service *]

Grateful Engineer

The Best Toast

[* Big Game Hunter *]

The Ghost Car

Empty Pay Envelope

Drinking is a Sin

Mad Martin is Coming

Rude Leprechaun

Cowboy in Black

[* Moosehead Beer *]

Perestroika

[* Lay Them on the Bar *]

The Bar Elephant

I Want Her Back Again

Speech Impediment

Can’t Find My Car

Deaf Men in the Bar

[* Sense of Smell *** *]

Not Me Boss

Great Prices

Drunk and Ugly

[*Mouse Tattoo ]

[* Too Much Tequila *]

[*Duct Tape ]

*Don’t Like Bohemians *

Watch Your Language

Scotch and Water

[*John Fluff ]

Drunk and Disorderly

[*Thinking of You ]

Almost Inseparable

Call Me an Ambulance

[*The Ship’s Wheel ]

[* Three Vampires *** *]

Great Stein Collection

Tough Sobriety Test

[*Bruised and Bleeding ]

Great Sex Certificate

Bad for My Legs

Great Anniversary Present

A Very Scary Ride

Those Lucky Lions

Drown Your Sorrows

Three Unfaithful Wives

Shall We Dance?

Demanding Standards

Too Drunk to Serve

A Chilling Bar Tab

Thanks for the Offer

[* Crazy New Drink *]

What a Relief

You Misunderstood Me

No Bed of Roses

[* The Starter Pistol *]

[*Redneck in Vegas ]

Strongest Guy in the Bar

Make it a Scotch

End an Argument

My Little Buddy

Three Little Pigs

Watch What You Say

Horney Old Drunks

Worried Womanizer

Serving Mushrooms

Atomic Discount

Grammar Lesson

Hi Ho Silver

[* Need Some Variety *]

Loonies Night Out

[*Walking Billboard ]

Sit Yourself Down

Absent Minded Bartender

Dental Technique

[*Get in Your Pants ]

A Dribble Martooni

Drink for the Talking Dog

Deer Nuts

[*Furniture Salesmen ]

Exact Change Please

Lord of the Flies

Bloody Good Drinks

String in the Bar

[*Two Forks and a Straw ]

Stupic Wives

Ten Year Bender

Give Me a Budweiser

Thoughtful Hubby

[*Restricted Topics ]

Forgot to Pay

Terry’s Joke Collection Breakdown

[* *]

[*Terry’s Joke Collection *]

Volume I

Animal to Bar Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Shakespir Edition

ISBN 9781370402380

Introduction

 

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the first of nine volumes of Terry’s Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

 

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

 

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library, you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

 

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can’t remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

 

Even if you’re not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say “Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool.” The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

 

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

 

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents’ farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These “facts” were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

 

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

 

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

 

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

 

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at [email protected]

 

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

 

All nine volumes of Terry’s Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at Shakespir.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for “Terry Eade.”

 

 

Chapter 1

Animal Jokes

[]

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a parrot in a bar may appear here and in the Bar & Pub Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

 

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk () for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

World’s Fastest Dog

A businessman has taken the day off to pick up his new BMW convertible. It is a beautiful day so he decides to put the top down and take it for a drive in the country. As he drives down the country road he notices a young boy hitchhiking along the road. Anxious to show off his new car, the businessman pulls over to the side of the road and tells the kid to get in. At that point, the kid whistles and a large yellow dog comes bounding out of the woods beside the road.

 

The businessman says “Wait a minute you can’t bring that big dog into my new car, he’s all covered with mud and I have these nice new leather seats.”

 

The kid says, “that’s OK mister, my dog will run along side of the car.”

 

The businessman says “It’s your dog” and they drive off with the dog running along side of the car.The businessman is showing the kid the neat features of his new car and forgets all about the dog. Suddenly he remembers and says “Oh my God, where’s your dog.”

 

The kid say’s “ He’s right along side of the car.”

 

The businessman looks down at his speedometer and he is doing sixty miles per hour. “I don’t think a greyhound can run this fast let alone a big yellow dog”, the businessman says.

 

“I told you he was fast”, the kid says, “he won’t have any problem staying up with your car.”

 

This makes the businessman a little miffed so he presses down on the gas and runs the speed up to seventy. “How is your dog doing now?” he says.

 

“The dog is doing fine” the kid responds, “ he’s really fast.”

 

The businessman mashes down on the gas until he is doing ninety and then hollers over at the kid.“Is your dog still keeping up?”

 

“Yea” the kid hollers back, “he’s breathing hard but he is still along side of the car.”

 

The businessman can’t believe it so he slams on his power brakes, screeches to a stop, unbuckles his seat belt, and leans over the kid to have a look. Sure enough there is the dog.“I’m flabbergasted,” says the businessman, “that must be the fastest dog in the world. He looks like a regular dog, except…. what is that pink ring around his neck?”

 

“Oh, that’s his asshole” the kid says, “he’s not used to stopping that fast.”

 

 

Outrageous Vet Bill

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

 

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

 

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

 

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

 

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead and wants more proof.

 

The vet then brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

 

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

 

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

 

The vet answers, “$650.”

 

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

 

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

The Pet Rabbit

Although the Wilsons and the Browns had been neighbors for years, they had never been friendly. The Wilsons didn’t have any kids so they resented the noise and the toys in the front yard next door. The Browns resented the complaints about their kids and the fact that the Wilsons would have parties which lasted late into the evenings and resulted in cars blocking their driveway.

 

To make matters worse, the Wilsons had a big dog that would crap on the Browns lawn, and the Browns had a cat who would make tracks on the hood of the Wilsons car. The Browns also had a big white rabbit in a cage in their backyard which was a pet of their youngest daughter Sally.

 

One Sunday the Wilsons came home from church and found their dog laying in their driveway chewing on something white. To their horror, it was the Brown's pet rabbit -- dead and all covered with dirt and dog slobber. Knowing that this would be the final straw to start a full blown neighborhood war, the Wilsons acted quickly. Since the Browns went to a later church service they had a little time to solve the problem.

 

First they took the rabbit into the shower and washed it with shampoo. Then they dried it with a hair dryer to get it all nice and fluffy again. Next, Bob Wilson went into the Brown’s back yard and put the rabbit back into the cage. Bob was very pleased as the rabbit looked like it was sleeping.

 

By the time the Browns got home from church Bob Wilson was raking leaves in his backyard. After a few minutes he heard Sally Brown shriek and yell for her folks. They all came out to the rabbit cage and there was quite a clamor.

 

Acting like a concerned neighbor, Bob came over to the fence and said: “Is something wrong?”

 

“The rabbits dead,” whimpered Sally Brown.

 

“What do you supposed happened to it?” asked Bob in a concerned tone of voice.

 

“We’re not sure said Sally’s father, but the thing that baffles us more is how it got back into the cage.”

 

“What do you mean?” says Bob.

 

“Well it died yesterday and we buried it in the garden,” answers Sally’s father.

Bolivian Rooster

A successful businessman retires and decides to become a gentleman farmer so he buys a small chicken farm. After fixing up the place and painting all the buildings, he gets in his new truck and heads into town. He goes into the local feed and seed store and tells the clerk he wants the most prolific rooster available. The clerk says that there are several good domestic breeds, but if the farmer wants the best it must be imported from Bolivia and is quite expensive. The farmer says that price is no object and he places the order.

 

A few weeks later the farmer receives a call from the feed and seed store telling him that his rooster has arrived and that he should come into town and pick it up as soon as possible as the rooster is making quite a bit of commotion. The farmer jumps into his truck and heads into town to pick up the rooster. Upon returning to the farm, the farmer uncrates the rooster who immediately starts to work on all of the hens in the hen yard. The farmer smiles and goes into the house.

 

After a few hours, the farmer goes back into the farm yard and goes up to the Bolivian rooster who is still doing the hens and tells him that he is doing a great job but not to get to exhausted as he does not have to finish the entire flock on the very first day. The rooster thanks the farmer for his concern but indicates that he has been cooped up in the crate for a week and can handle the situation. The farmer shrugs and returns to the house realizing that he paid extra to get a prolific rooster and he certainly got his money’s worth.

 

A while later the chickens have become quiet, but the ducks are raising a ruckus. The farmer goes out to the duck pen and finds out that the Bolivian rooster has finished all the hens and is now getting it on with the ducks. Again the farmer warns the rooster about over-extending himself, but the rooster assures the farmer that he knows his limits and is doing just fine. So the farmer goes back into the house.

 

A short time later the ducks are quite and the geese are honking up a storm. The farmer goes out to the goose enclosure and finds that the Bolivian rooster has finished the ducks and is now servicing the geese. This time he tells the rooster to knock it off as he has a lot of money invested in him. The rooster is also getting irritated and tells the farmer that this is his specialty and he knows what he is doing and doesn’t need any coaching. So the farmer stomps off and goes back to the house.

 

The next thing that happens is that the geese have quieted down, but the turkeys are in a clamor. The farmer goes to the window and looks out at the barnyard. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has taken care of the geese and is now in the turkey pen doing the turkeys. Not wanting another confrontation, the farmer just shakes his head and goes back to his easy chair and continues reading the paper.

 

After a while the turkeys have quieted down and there isn’t a sound in the barnyard. The farmer walks to the window and looks out to see what has happened. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has finished all of the turkeys and is laying on his back in the middle of the turkey pen with his eyes rolled back and his feet sticking straight up and several vultures are circling overhead. The farmer just shakes his head and sadly walks out to the turkey pen.

 

The farmer leans on the fence and says in a quiet voice, “Poor little fella, I tried to tell you but you just wouldn’t listen.”

 

At that point the Bolivian rooster opens one eye, looks at the farmer then up at the vultures, then back at the farmer and quietly says “hush you’ll scare them away”.

A Special Frog

A beautiful blonde is driving down a country road when suddenly a large frog jumps out onto the road in front of her car. She slams on the brakes to avoid hitting the frog, and stops just in time. She waits for the frog to hop off the road, but it just sits there. Then she honks the horn, but the frog jumps up on the hood of her car instead of off the road.

 

Frustrated, the blonde gets out of the car and starts to take the frog off the hood, when the frog looks up at her with these big sorrowful eyes. He looks at her then at the edge of the woods and then back at her. When she looks over at where the frog has looked she notices a small fox at the edge of the woods and realizes that the fox must have chased the frog into the road and is now waiting for her to toss the frog down and leave.

 

Not wanting the cute little frog to get eaten, she decides to take the frog with her and let him out later when they are far away from the fox. So she puts the frog in the seat next to her and drives away. The frog just sits nicely on the seat and keeps looking at her with these big enchanting eyes.

 

He seems so well behaved and cute that the blonde thinks she may just take him home and make him a pet. As they drive along she is talking to the frog and he is looking at her as though he is listening and answers with a bribip, bribip. Finally the blonde leans over and kisses the frog, saying “you’re just so darn cute.”

 

At that point the most amazing thing happens -- the frog turns into a handsome young man with the body of an athlete. Not wanting to be outdone, the blonde also turns into something -- a motel.

The Frog and the Engineer

A young engineering student was crossing a road by the college one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

 

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”

 

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

 

The boy said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

The Profane Parrot

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears. Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson. He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

 

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again. After about five minutes the man agrees to give the bird one more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

 

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, “What did the chicken do?”

Dogs and Cats

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

 

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

 

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

 

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

 

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

 

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

 

And God was pleased.

 

And Dog was happy.

 

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Crime Doesn’t Pay

A robber breaks into the house of a family just after they left to go to church one evening. He is rummaging through the upstairs rooms when he hears a voice saying,“Jesus is watching you!”

 

He is puzzled, and thinks maybe the family has come home. He sneaks downstairs and, seeing nobody, starts pulling through the silver cabinet.

 

Again, right behind him, he hears, “Jesus is watching you!”

 

He freezes, and slowly turns around with his arms up. But there is nobody there. Puzzled, he turns his flashlight on and shines it in the direction of the voice. He sees a big birdcage. Inside it sits a big yellow parrot.

 

“Bwaak…Jesus is watching you!” the parrot calls.

 

The robber laughs and says, “Oh, I suppose your name is Jesus, huh little birdie?”

 

“Bwak…no.“says the bird “My name is Moses.”

 

“Moses!?!” says the robber. “What kind of sick people name their bird Moses?”

 

“Bwak….the same sick people that named their pit bull ‘Jesus’”

Dolphin Research

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

 

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Duck in the Bar

One day this duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender replies, “No, sorry we don’t.” So very well, the duck leaves.

 

The next day the duck returns to the bar, waddles up to the bartender and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender says, “No we don’t serve grapes in the bar.” So the duck leaves.

 

The duck returns the next day, goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender says, “Listen, I told you yesterday and the day before, that we don’t have any grapes. If you come in and ask me about grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your bill to the bar!” So the duck waddles out of the bar.

 

The next day, the duck comes back in the bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “Got any nails?”

 

The bartender says,“No.”

 

The duck says, “Good, got any grapes?”

She’ll Never Know

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

 

“No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to take his hammer and flatten the hump.

 

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

 

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my sweet little hamster.”

A Frog in the Bank

This frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the teller’s nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

“Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a trip.”

 

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name. The frog says it is Kermit Jagger and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patti explains $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and he will need collateral again the loan. She asks what he can use as collateral.

 

The frog reaches into his pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about a half inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains she’ll have to consult with the manager, and disappears into a back office.

 

“There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “What should I do?”

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says: “It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

[*Watering Your Camel ]

An archaeologist and his team have arrived in Egypt to look for relics out in the desert. The leader of the group has made arrangements for the necessary equipment and supplies for the expedition, but still needs to nail down the transportation arrangements. After studying the route and talking with his local guide, he has come to the realization he will not be able to reach his destination by motor vehicle and must, therefore, buy camels.

 

Since he is short on funds, he seeks out the most reasonable camel seller in the city, Honest Ahab. After having negotiated the best price he can get on the camels, the archaeologist again confirms that these are long distance camels and will be able to make the ten day trek without water. Honest Ahab reassures him that these are his best long distance camels and they will have no problem going that length of time without water.

 

So the archaeologist buys the camels and takes them back to camp. On the appointed day the team loads up their cargo, waters the camels and sets out on their journey. A few weeks later a bedraggled archaeologist limps into Honest Ahab’s used camel dealership and demands his money back and an apology as well.

 

“You look terrible” says Honest Ahab, “what happened?”

 

“I’ll tell you what happened,” screams the archaeologist. “Five days out on our journey the long distance camels you sold me keeled over and died, leaving us stranded in the desert with only enough water for five more days.

 

Fortunately we were found by a caravan of traders who rescued us and dropped us off at a small village where we could get water, pitch our tents and wait for a caravan on the way back. Thanks to you we have been close to death, delayed for weeks, and forced to spend what little money we had left to pay for extra food and our passage back.”

 

“I can’t understand what went wrong” says Honest Ahab “those were my best long distance camels. How did you water them up?”

 

“ I took them down to the river and let them drink until they were full, then we started immediately on our trip” says the archaeologist

 

“Well, that’s the problem” says Honest Ahab “ you should have snuck up behind them while they are drinking, taken two rocks and smashed them together on their balls. When you do this, they take in several additional gallons of water.”

 

“Doesn’t that hurt?” says the archaeologist.

 

“Not if you don’t get your fingers in the way”, says Honest Ahab.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*A Lot of Bull ]

A young bull and an old bull had been grazing high on a hill. The old bull had become a mentor to the young bull and was trying to show him the ropes. The young bull was full of energy and had gone across the meadow on top of the hill to look for better grass. Suddenly he came bounding back across the meadow on the top of the hill.

 

“Come quickly.” said the young bull, “you won’t believe this.”

 

The old bull followed the young bull back across the tip of the hill. When he reached the edge of the hill he could see what the young bull was so excited about. At the foot of the hill they were on was a herd of cows grazing in the meadow below.

 

“Let’s run down there and screw a few of those cows’” says the young bull excitedly.

 

“No,” says the old bull, “lets walk down and screw them all.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Piano Player’s Monkey ]

Mike and Sue walk into a bar. The place is pretty crowded and there is a piano player providing background music. Mike and Sue want to talk so they take a table on the other side of the bar where it is quieter and more tables are available. They order a couple of drinks and begin talking.

 

A little while after their drinks arrive, a small monkey with a red vest and pill box hat jumps on their table, takes off the hat and holds it out to Mike. But Mike is busy talking to Sue and doesn’t pay any attention to the monkey.

 

At this, the monkey chatters loudly and jumps up and down to get their attention and once more holds out the hat.

 

“I Wonder what he wants,” asks Sue?

 

“Looks like he’s panhandling for coins” says, Mike and he returns to their previous conversation.

 

At this point the monkey is getting more insistent and he yanks on Mike’s sleeve and then shoves the hat out again.

 

Mike, who is also getting perturbed at this point, says “scram you little pest, we’re not giving you anything”, shoves the monkey across the table and goes back to his conversation.

 

A few seconds later the conversation is interrupted by the sound of the monkey peeing in Mike’s beer.

 

The monkey then scrambles off and Mike calls the waitress over to the table. “A monkey in a red suit peed in my beer and I want a new one,” Mike tells the waitress.

 

“I can bring you another beer, but you’ll have to pay for it” the waitress says.

 

“I shouldn’t have to pay for another beer, the one the monkey peed in was over half full,” Mike complains.

 

“That’s not my problem” says the waitress, “the monkey belongs to the piano player and goes around and collects tips for him. Neither one of them works for the bar. If you have a problem with the monkey you should talk to the piano player.”

 

Mike gets up from the table and walks across the room to the piano, where the piano player is just finishing a song. The piano player looks up with a smile and says “what can I do for you buddy?’

 

Mike says “Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?”

 

“No,” the piano player says, ‘but if you hum a few bars I’ll see if I can pick it up.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Monkey in the Bar ]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

 

The guy says, “No, what?”

 

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

 

“Now what?” responds the patron.

 

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Stupid Horse ]

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

 

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

 

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man – can only think of one thing.”

 

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”

 

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*We can Rebuild Him ]

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, and arm, and his dick. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant’s trunk.

 

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, “Tarzan, how do you like your new parts?”

 

Tarzan says, “Eye good…Tarzan see far, clear… arm good…long, strong….but Tarzan not to crazy about new weinie…. all day long, pick up weeds, stuff up Tarzan’s ass.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Trained Alligator *]

A burley Cajun walks into a Louisiana bar and holds the door open for a large alligator which follows him in and over to a table. Everyone in the bar is startled and screaming at the bartender.

 

Once the bartender has regained his composure he says “You can’t bring an alligator in here, what the hell is the matter with you?”

 

The Cajun holds up his hand and says reassuringly “Don’t be alarmed this is a trained alligator and he is very gentle around people.”

 

The bartender and the patrons are not convinced and they continue to demand that the Cajun remove the alligator. Finally to prove a point, the Cajun walks over to the bar and gets an empty bottle, hoists the alligator up onto the table, opens the alligators mouth, unzips his fly and puts his penis in the alligators mouth.

 

The alligator just lies there and does not bite. Then the Cajun hits the alligator over the head with the bottle. Still the alligator just lies there calmly.

 

The Cajun looks at the crowd and smiles. “See how harmless he is. Does any one else want to try this?”

 

After a few moments a small neatly groomed fellow in the back of the bar raises his hand. "I'd like to give it a try" he says -- "if you promise not to hit me in the head with the bottle."

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Dogs will be Dogs *]

Two dogs, a poodle and a great dane, were in the waiting room at the vet’s office. The poodle was very nervous and started a conversation with the great dane by saying, “Boy, did I screw up yesterday.”

 

His neighbor, being sympathetic, asked what happened.The poodle explained, “My owner is a very religious lady who recently became engaged to the choir director of her church. His family came over to meet me.

 

I don’t know what it was about his mother, but when she walked in I lost control and started humping her leg. I couldn’t stop. They eventually got a hold of my collar, damn near choked me to death and then threw me in the back room, so now I’m here to be castrated.”

 

The great dane said, “I can understand your situation. My owner is an old spinster who never lets me go out. Yesterday she had just completed her bath and was bent over the tub cleaning it out when I walked by. When I saw her bare ass in the air, I lost control. I mounted her and rode her for all she was worth. I stayed on her until we both collapsed from exhaustion.”

 

The poodle then said, “So I guess you are here to be castrated also?”

 

“No,” said the great dane, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Whale of a Good Time *]

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean.

 

On seeing a boat, the male says, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!”

 

The female says, “Uh… I don’t know…”

 

“Come on, it’ll be fun, come on, just this once!”

 

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, “Wow, that was fun, wasn’t it?”

 

Hey! I’ve got another idea! Let’s swim back there and eat all the sailors!”

 

The female, exasperated, replies, “Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I’m not swallowing any seamen.

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Fleas in Florida *]

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

 

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

 

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

 

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

 

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

 

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

 

“And so?” asked the first flea.

 

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Stick to the Script *]

Little Red Riding Hood decides to visit grandma late one evening. Her mother stops her and says, "No dear, it's too late. The big bad wolf will be in the woods, and you know what will happen -- he'll lift your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."

 

Little Red pulls a shotgun from under her skirt and says, “Don’t worry, I’m ready for him.” So off she goes.

 

Along the way she meets the Three Little Pigs. They tell her she should go back home, because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods, and if the Big Bad Wolf catches her he’ll lift her little red skirt, pull down her little red panties, and screw her little red socks off. She shows them the shotgun and continues.

 

Soon, out jumps the Big Bad Wolf. He says, “I’m the Big Bad Wolf, and I’m going to lift your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.”

 

Little Red whips out the shotgun and aims it at him. She lies down on her back, pulls down her panties, spreads her legs and says, “No you’re not, you’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Stop the Music *]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

 

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

 

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50.

 

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

 

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

 

“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

 

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Cat in Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

 

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

 

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

 

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

 

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

 

The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?”

 

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

 

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

 

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”

 

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

Monkey Business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

 

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

 

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

 

“Well, did you see this?”

 

“Yes.” motioned the monkey.

 

“What happened?”

 

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

 

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

 

The monkey shook his head, “Yes.”

 

“What else?”

 

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

 

“They were smoking marijuana?”

 

The monkey shook his head, “Yes.”

 

“What else?”

 

The monkey motioned, “Kissing.”

 

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.

 

The monkey shook his head, “Yes.”

 

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”

 

The monkey shook his head, “Yes.”

 

“What were you doing during all this?”

 

“Driving.” motioned the monkey.

Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas, carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly.

 

“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,” was the shop owner’s reply. The shop owner held a match under the parrots left foot and Chet began to sing: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!

 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: Silent Night, Holy Night.”

 

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When his wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?”

 

“No,” the young man replied, “but he can sing. Let me show you.” So, the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s Right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy Night”

 

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?”

 

The man did not know. “Let’s try it.” He answered eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs.

 

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.”

[*Sniffer Dog ]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

 

The airline rep says, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

 

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

 

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

 

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to it’s seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

 

The handler says, “Good boy.”

 

He turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

 

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

 

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

 

The airline rep says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

 

“I like it!” says the first man.

 

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and messes badly all over the place.

 

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, “What the bloody hell is going on?”

 

The handler nervously replies, “He just found a bomb.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Bear in the Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs in the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

 

The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

 

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

 

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

 

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

 

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

 

The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”

 

The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

The Rooster Race

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “ok, old fart, time to retire.”

 

The old rooster replies, “come on, you can’t handle ALL these chickens, look what it’s done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”

 

The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up and I’m taking over.”

 

The old rooster says, “I’ll tell you what, young stud, I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”

 

The young rooster laughs, “You know you don’t stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”

 

So, they get a chicken to cluck “Go!”, and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He’s already about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

 

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head, “Dang it,….third gay rooster I bought this month.”

The Learning Curve

The old farmer had taken a day off from his chores and went fishing on the lake. As he sat in his boat waiting for a bite, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad catching flies, and staring at the fisherman. Finally the frog jumped into the water and started swimming toward the boat.

 

Just before the frog reached the boat a water snake swam up and started to swallow the small frog. Not wanting to see the frog eaten before his eyes, the fisherman grabbed the snake and released the grateful frog, who immediately swam safely to shore.

 

Once the frog had escaped to safety, the fisherman started to release the snake, but was now feeling sorry for the snake who had just lost his dinner. As he looked around the boat for something to compensate the snake for his loss, the fisherman noticed his jug of corn whiskey. Poring a generous amount of the corn whiskey into the snakes mouth the farmer then released the snake back into the water and went back to his fishing.

 

A few minutes later the fisherman was interrupted by a banging on the side of the boat. When he looked over the side he was confronted by the same snake who had returned with two frogs in his mouth.

The Magician and the Parot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

 

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

[*Three Mice in the Bar ]

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

 

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

 

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, “I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Talk to the Animals

While riding his horse one day, a cowboy met an Indian also riding along. The Indian had a dog and a sheep following him. The Cowboy and Indian began a conversation:

 

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you have there – mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ alright.”

Indian: (look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (look of total disbelief)

 

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey, horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: (extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (again pointing at the Indian)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”

Indian: (total look of utter amazement)

 

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep is a liar.”

What Am I ?

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

 

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

 

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

 

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, have long silky ears, and a fluffy tail … you must be a rabbit.

 

Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

 

And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

Political Puppies

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

 

The little boy said, “Republicans.”

 

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, “Atta boy!”

 

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy’s house, winked at Dick and said, “Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?”

 

The boy said, “Democracts”

 

Bush looked crushed, saying, “What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!”

 

The boy said, “Well, the puppies opened their eyes.”

The Presidential Parrot

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost.

 

The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

 

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened.

 

Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said "Too old, too old" -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

 

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”

 

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!

Four Smart Dogs

Four men, an engineer, an accountant, a pharmacist and a government worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

 

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

 

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

 

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

 

But the pharmacist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

 

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

 

The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’s compensation and went home on sick leave

Jet Fan’s Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”

 

The man replied, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you’ll see.”

 

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.

 

The guy says, “Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.”

 

The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

 

“Wow! That’s one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?”

 

The man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 7 years!”

Breakfast on the Farm

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

 

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”

 

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

 

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

[* Ducks in Court *]

Three mallard ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for lewd and licentious conduct. The next morning, they were called to appear in court.

 

The judge called in duck number one and said, “What where you doing in the pond after midnight?”

 

“I was just blowing bubbles.”

 

The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question.

 

“Judge, I was just blowing bubbles.”

 

He then called in duck number three and said, “So let me quess – you were blowing bubbles too?”

 

“No, I’m Bubbles.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Chicken and the Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.

 

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, “Well, I guess we answered THAT question!”

Action at the Doggie Bar

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ‘‘Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.’‘

 

So the Doberman says, ‘‘I love liver and cheese.’‘

 

The Collie says, ‘‘That’s not good enough.’‘

 

The Bulldog says, ‘‘I hate liver and cheese.’‘

 

She says, ‘‘That’s not creative.’‘

 

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ‘‘Liver alone……cheese mine.’

Truckload of Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

 

He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

 

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins – and they’re all wearing sun glasses.

 

He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

 

The guy replies, “I did… today I’m taking them to the beach!”

High Jumping Kangaroo

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

 

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

 

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

Snail on the Doormat

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

 

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

 

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

 

The snail looks up and says, “What was that all about?”

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

 

“OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?” he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.

 

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”

Primate Philosopher

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the ape was reading two books-- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

 

In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”

 

“Well,” said the ape, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Turtle in the Tree

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.

 

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

 

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

 

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

Spiders Mating

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?”

 

“They’re mating, Lucy,” he replied.

 

“What do you call the spider on top daddy?” Lucy asked.

 

“Oh, that’s a Daddy Longlegs.”

 

Lucy inquired, “Oh, so one’s a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?”

 

Daddy replied, “No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

 

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. “Well, we’re not having that sort of thing in going on in our garden!”

Psychic and the Frog

A young male frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

 

The frog is thrilled, “That is great! Will I meet her at the pond?”

 

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

Pilots and Penguins

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

 

Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.”

Pool Full of Alligators

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests… I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming as fast as he could. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking frantically. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

 

He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain… which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

 

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

Grasshopper and the Ant

Original Version

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

 

Modern American Version

 

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable house with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 

Then a representative of the NAAGB (the National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) show up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 80’s.” Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the “back of the grasshopper”, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.”

 

Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act”, RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.

The Perfect Pet

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, “Nah, dogs can’t do dishes.” The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, “Nah, cats can’t do the ironing.”

 

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, “This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!” “OK,” the man thought, “I’ll give it a try,” so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. “Great,” thought the man.

 

Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. “Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper,” he told the centipede, and off it went.

 

Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn’t returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

 

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. “Hey, whatcha’ doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?”

 

“Hold on a minute!” said the centipede, “I’m still putting on my boots!”

Rabbit in the Fridge

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

 

“What are you doing in there?” she asked.

 

The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t it?”

 

“Why, yes,” replied the lady.

 

“Well,” the rabbit said, “I’m westing.”

Six Foot Cockroach

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

 

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

 

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

 

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

 

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

 

The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”

The Mouse That Roared

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

 

The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

 

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

Most Fearsome Animal

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the most fearsome.

 

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

 

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--- no one in the forest dared to challenge him.

 

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

 

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

Rabbits and the Foxes

Two rabbits were pursued by two foxes and took refuge in the hollow stump of a tree. The foxes laid seige. Time marched on, but the foxes stood by waiting for their prey to emerge.

 

“What on earth’ll we do?” asked the laddy rabbit.

 

Her gentleman answered, “It looks like we’ll just have to stay here until we outnumber them.”

Veterinarian’s Sideline

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

Eating an Eagle

A man is caught by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently jailed for the crime. Here’s what happens at the trial:

 

Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

 

Man: “Yes, I do. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

 

Judge: “Proceed.”

 

Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle which had landed on a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I’d killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground. And that, you honor, was when the good ranger found me.”

 

Judge: “The court will recess while we consider your testimony.”

 

Fifteen minutes later…

 

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.”

 

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

 

Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe is it’s somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

Myna Bird

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

 

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. “But, there is a possibility!” he said. And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, “You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is ‘WHO IS IT?’…that’s the limit of his vocabulary.”

 

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

 

“Who is it!?” shrieked the myna bird.

 

“It’s the butcher!” said the man.

 

“Who is it!?” repeated the bird.

 

“Lady, it’s the butcher!”…

 

“Who is it!?”

 

“Lady, it’s the butcher!”

 

“Who is it!?”

 

(now exasperated beyond limit) “Lady! I said it’s the butcher!”

 

“Who is it!?”

 

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says “Oh my! Who is it?!”

 

…and the myna bird promptly said, “It’s the butcher!!!”

Multilingual Parrot

A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and enquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

 

Man: “Do you speak English?”

Parrot: “Yes.”

Man: “Hablas Espanol?”

Parrot: “Si!”

Man: “Parlez vouz Francaise?”

Parrot: “Oui!”

Man: “Sprechen sie Deutsch?”

Parrot: “Jawohl!”

Man: “Falas Portugues?”

Parrot: “Sim.”

 

etc.

 

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, “Do you speak Yiddish?”

 

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, “Nu? Mit a beak like dis, vot you tink?”

Card Playing Dog

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing poker. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance and had amassed quite a pile of chips.

 

“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

 

“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

Doggie Job Interview

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

 

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

 

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

 

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

 

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

 

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

 

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

 

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”.

 

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow.”

Vicious Dog

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and comming up the street was two hearse’s followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy, who had the dog, what was going on.

 

The guy said, “That’s my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died.”

 

The guy watering the lawn said, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?”

 

The other guy said, “Well that’s my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died.”

 

The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, “Can I borrow your dog?”

 

The guy with the dog responds, “Back of the line!

Dog at the Movie

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?”

 

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very unusual… because he hated the book!”

Play with the Dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and she was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

 

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up; and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”

 

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

 

“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”

 

“To tell the the truth,” he replied, “he seemed a little depressed to me.”

Very Smart Dog

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

 

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

 

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

 

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

 

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

 

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

 

“He’s not clever,” the guy responds, “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Doggie Creation

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

 

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

 

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

 

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

 

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

 

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

 

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Purebred Police Dog

The ad in the local newspaper read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.” Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

 

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. “What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a police dog?”

 

“Don’t be deceived by his looks, Ma’am,” he replied. “He’s in the Secret Service.”

Poignant Message

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”

 

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘woof’ for the same price.”

 

“But,” the dog replied, “then it would make no sense at all.”

Talking Dog in the Bar

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?”

 

The dog answers “ROOF.”

 

The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

 

The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.”

 

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?”

 

The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.”

 

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

Ferocious Dog

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “…ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

 

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

 

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in hell kind of dog do you have?”

 

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a chihuahua.”

 

“Liar!” roared the biker, “How could your chihuahua kill my doberman?”

 

“It appears that your dog choked on it, sir.”

A Special Pig

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got of the main highway.

 

As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly – it looked like a!

 

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. “Excuse me,” the traveler said. “I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?”

 

The farmer smiled. “Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He’s the finest pig a man could ever hope to have – and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That’s a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

 

“There’s another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.

 

There is no question about it – that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily.”

 

“Why,” the traveler said, “this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?”

 

The farmer laughed and said, “Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at one time!”

The Rabbit’s Thesis

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

 

“I am going to eat you for lunch!”, said the fox.

 

“Wait!”, replied the rabbit, “You should at least wait a few days.”

 

“Oh yeah? Why should I wait?”

 

“Well, I am just finishing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

 

“Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.”

 

“Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.”

 

“You really are crazy!”

 

But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

 

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

 

“Wait!” yelled the rabbit, “you can’t eat me right now.”

 

“And why might that be, my furry appetizer?”

 

“I am almost finished writing my thesis on ‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

 

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

 

“Maybe I shouldn’t eat you. You really are sick…in the head. You might have something contagious.”

 

“Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions.”

 

So the wolf went down into the rabbit’s hole… and never came out.

 

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, “What’s up? You seem very happy.”

 

“Yup, I just finished my thesis.”

 

“Congratulations. What’s it about?”

 

“‘The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.’”

 

“Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

 

“Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself.”

 

So together they went down into the rabbit’s hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.

 

The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

 

The moral of the story:

 

The title of your thesis doesn’t matter.

The subject doesn’t matter.

The research doesn’t matter.

 

All that matters is who your advisor is

Very Impressive

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

 

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

 

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

 

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

 

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

Well Read Chickens

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, ‘Buk Buk BUK.’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

 

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,’ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!’ The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

 

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, ‘Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!’ The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

 

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…”

Snail Speedster

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.

 

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

 

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”

 

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

 

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

Feeding the Pigs

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

 

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”

 

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

Traveling Vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

 

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

 

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Inflight Service

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick the shit out of you”.

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

 

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

Tools of the Trade

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

 

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”

 

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

 

A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”

 

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

 

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”

 

“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”

[* The Happy Koala *]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he’s done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there is a prostitute in the back room who would give him a really great time. The koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets the prostitute, who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had.

 

After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, “How about my money,” the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said…PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

 

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

 

[_ Risque _]

Two Tigers

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

 

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?”

 

The other tiger replied, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

Pious Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots that I got for a good price because they came from a brothel, but they only know how to say one thing.”

 

“What do they say?” the priest asked.

 

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”

 

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

 

“Thank you,” said the lady.

 

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

 

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?”

 

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, “Frank! Put the Bibles away – our prayers have been answered!”

Doggie Gossip

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.

 

First Woman : “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.”

 

Second Woman : “I know…”

 

First Woman : “How?”

 

Second Woman : “My dog told me.”

Ain’t That a Bitch

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy’s puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

 

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road.

 

“What are you pulling me over for?” Queried the startled driver.

 

The officer responded, “I pulled you over for creating a “Road Hazard, for other drivers!”

 

“What hazard?” Asked the man.

 

“A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it. Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir… And the ‘Bitches’ name, Sir.”

 

“Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch!”

 

“Sir, I was referring to the dog!”

 

“Oh… Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer?”

 

“Well Sir, after I write your ticket for “Endangering Vehicular Traffic”, I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!”

[*Vulgar Parrot ]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

 

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

 

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

 

The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

 

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

 

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

 

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, “It’s goddamned cold in here!”

 

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

 

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

 

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, “It’s goddamned cold in here!!”

 

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

 

Since she didn’t want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

 

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder.” “That’ll work?” asked the woman. “Guaranteed!” exclaimed the owner.

 

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, “It’s goddamned cold in here!!” Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

 

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, “Pretty fuckin’ windy, too!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Strange Trio ]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

 

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

 

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?”

 

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

 

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

 

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

 

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

 

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

 

“OH MY GOD! …”

 

Time stopped.

 

The bear froze.

 

The forest was silent.

 

Even the river stopped moving …

 

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around…

 

YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?”

 

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”

 

VERY WELL.” Said God.

 

The light went out.

 

The river ran.

 

The sounds of the forest resumed.

 

… and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”

[*Talking Dog for Sale ]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

 

“You talk?” he asks.

 

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

 

“So, what’s your story?”

 

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says “Ten dollars.”

 

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

 

The owner replies, “He’s such a fucking liar.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Giraffe in the Bar

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door,

 

The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door “You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!”

 

To which the man replies, “Its not a lion its a giraffe!”

Bad Guide Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

 

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

 

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

 

The blind man responded: “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

[*Horse and the Chicken ]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

The moral of the story:

 

If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Talented Hamster

A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

 

The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

 

The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

 

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

 

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

 

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender.

 

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

 

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

 

The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

 

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

Toys for Your Parrot

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. “The parrot doesn’t talk.”

 

“Did you buy a mirror?”

 

“No.”

 

“Every parrot needs a mirror.”

 

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot’s cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned. “The parrot still doesn’t talk.”

 

“Did you buy a ladder?”

 

“No.”

 

“Every parrot needs a ladder.”

 

So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned.“The parrot still doesn’t talk.”“

 

Did you buy a swing?”

 

“No.”

 

“Every parrot needs a swing.”

 

So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!

 

The store owner asked, “Did the parrot talk?”

 

“No!, he died.”

 

“Oh, that’s terrible. Did he say anything before he died?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What?”

 

“He gasped ‘Don’t they have any food down at that store?”

Cross-eyed Dog

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”

 

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

 

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”

 

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

 

“No, because he’s really heavy”

[* The Pet Frog *]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

 

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs !”

 

“Blowjobs!”, the woman replied.

 

“It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,” he said.

 

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

 

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

 

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

 

“What are you two doing at this hour?” she asked.

 

The husband replied,” If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Police Dog in Action *]

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”

 

George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

 

It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.

 

Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

 

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

 

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

 

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

 

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.

 

The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.

 

[_ Risque _]

Bear Abuse

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

 

“No,” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

 

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

 

“No,” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

 

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

 

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody.”

Panda in a Restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

 

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

 

“A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Are Dogs Allowed?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

 

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, liniens, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

 

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

A Drink Named After You

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Hey! You’re a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!”.

 

The grasshopper says “Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!”.

 

Zebra in Heaven

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter, “Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.”

 

St. Peter, “I can’t answer that question…but see God walking around over there? Ask him.”

 

Zebra to God, “God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?”

 

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, “You are what you are.”

 

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

 

What did He say,” asks St. Peter.

 

“Oh,,” replies the zebra. “He just said, ‘You are what you are,’ and I still don’t know whether I’m black with white stripes or white with black stripes.”

 

“Oh, that’s easy,” says St.Peter “You are white with black stripes.”

 

“How do you know?” asks the zebra. “Well,” says St. Peter, “if you were black with white stripes he would have said ‘you is what you is.’”

Jehovah’s Witness

A Jehovah’s Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, “Come In”. He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

 

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched “Come In”. As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the “Come In”.

 

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said, “For Pete’s sake, is that all you can say is ‘Come In’?!” The parrot laughed and said “Sic him!”

The Dog’s Funeral

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

 

“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

 

Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal.”

 

Muldoon said, “I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”

 

Father Patrick: “$500? – Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

[* Lady's Pet Frog *]

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

 

The clerk explained that the name of the store was ‘Exotic Pets’ and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

 

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

 

“Would that suit your needs?” he asked.

 

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

 

“Ah,” replied the salesman, leering, “but this ‘amphibian’ has been carefully trained … to perform oral sex upon women.”

 

At this the woman’s eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

 

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

 

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he’d be right over.

 

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

 

“You see?” she asked, petulantly.

 

“Yes, I do,” said the man.

 

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, “Now, I’m only going to show you this one more time…”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Parrot with No Legs *]

A guy walks into a pet store and asks the clerk if he has a talking parrot. The clerk says that they have only one parrot left in the store who can talk, but the parrot has no legs.. The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The clerk tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home.

 

On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, “Sure I can talk!” The guy thinks for a second and then says, “I’ve got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I’m gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.”

 

The parrot agrees to watch the man’s wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

 

Parrot: “Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!”

 

Man: “Then what happened after that?”

 

Parrot: “They started taking each other’s clothes off.”

 

Man: “And then what?”-getting more angry

 

Parrot: “Your wife started jacking him off!”

 

Man: “What next?”-really steamed by this time

 

Parrot: “She started giving him a blow job!”

 

Man: “And what then, did they do anything else?”

 

Parrot: “I don’t know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!”

 

[_ Risque _]

Jungle Mugging

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.

 

He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, “I don’t know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.”

Flat Farm Cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!… he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

 

When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….”

 

“Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”

 

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said… “He looks like this,” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

 

“Oh no, you horrible man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?”

 

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed “Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!”

 

Mime at the Zoo

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo, and figures he will try and make some money doing his act. The mime puts on a pretty good show, draw a crowd, and the people start throwing change into the mime’s hat. The zookeeper has been watching the mime do his act and approaches him after the crowd has dispersed. The mime thinks he is in troble, for performing without permission, but the zookeeper instead offers him a job.

 

The zookeeper explains that the zoo’s most popular attraction, the gorilla, has died and he is worried that this will cause zoo attendance to drop off. He offers the mime a job to dress up in a gorilla suit and pose as a gorilla until a new gorilla can be secured. Since the mime is out of work he gladly accepts the job.

 

The next morning the mime shows up for work, dresses up in the gorilla suit and goes into the cage before opening time. Soon he discovers that this is a really great job. He can preform all he wants and to much larger crowds than he had as a mime. Since he is used to being very animated and not talking this job is a natural for him. He can also take a nap or a break whenever he wants and gets all the fruit he wants free.

 

After a while, however, he gets bored and the crowd also starts to get smaller, especially when they move a new lion into the cage next to his. To regain his audience and keep his job, he climbs through the bars and swings from the top of the lion’s cage. This enrages the lion, who cannot reach the swinging gorilla, but really pleases the crowd.

 

Soon the crowds are larger than ever and the zookeeper gives the mime a raise. One day, however, while the mime is swinging above the lion in his gorilla suit, he loses his grip and falls into the lion cage. Now it’s the lion’s turn to get the audiance laughing as he chases the poor gorilla around the lion cage. Although the gorilla is running as fast as he can, but the lion finally catches him as the crowd watches in horror.

 

Caught up in the fear of being eaten alive, the mime cries out: “Help me, help me!!”

 

As the lion opens his gigantic mouth the mime hears the lion whisper: ‘Shut up you fool, do you want to get us both fired?”

Counting Sheep

The teacher came up with a good problem. “Suppose,” she asked the second-graders, “there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?”

 

“None,” answered little Norman.

 

“None? Norman, you don’t know your arithmetic.”

 

“Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

Expensive Parrots

A man went into a pet store to buy a parrot. He was amazed at the prices. The clerk showed him one that spoke English, for $600.00. Another one spoke Spanish, and was running $700.00. Next, there was that spoke English AND Spanish, which was running at $1000.00.

 

Finally, the clerk showed him a parrot priced at $3000.00. The man couldn’t believe it. “Why is this one so much?” he asked.

 

The clerk replied, “Well, this one lays square eggs.”

 

The man asked, “That’s pretty cool, does it talk too?”

 

The clerk replied, “Not a lot, but every time it’s about to lay an egg, it yells, `HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!’”

The Bull Elephant

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm’s privates and says, “Mommy, what’s that?” Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, “Oh, that’s nothing. Never mind. Come along now.”

 

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant’s member and says, “Daddy, what’s that?” Dad replies, “Didn’t your mother tell you?” “Yes, she told me it was nothing.” “Well, your mom is spoiled, son.”

Blind Men and an Elephant

Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity to experience an elephant for the first time. The first approached the elephant and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, “Ah, an elephant is like a tree.” The second, after exploring the trunk, said, “No, an elephant is like a strong hose.” The third, grasping the tail, said, “Fool! An elephant is like a rope!” The fourth, playing with an ear, stated, “No, more like a fan.” And the fifth, leaning against the animal’s side, said, “An elephant is like a wall.” The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate perception of the elephant.

 

The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and stomped on all of the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but bloody lumps of flesh. Walking away, the elephant said, “It just goes to show that you can’t depend on first impressions. When I first saw them I didn’t think they’d be any fun at all.”

The Horny Eagle

An eagle was feeling rather horny, so he swooped down on a dove and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the dove said, “I’m a dove and I like love.”

 

The eagle thought, “Stuff that,” and tossed the dove out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an owl. So he swooped down on the owl and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the owl said, “I’m an owl and I like to howl.”

 

The eagle thought, “Stuff that,” and tossed the owl out of the nest. Then the eagle spotted an duck. So he swooped down on the duck and took it back to his nest. Once back at the nest the duck said, “I’m a drake and I think you’ve made a mistake!”

Canine Caddy

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

 

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog’s and says, “That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??”

 

“Somersaults.”

 

“Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?”

 

“Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!”

Duck in the Drug Store

A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell.

 

The pharmacist walks up and asks, “Can I help you?”

 

The duck replies, “Yes, I would like a box of condoms.”

 

“Why certainly,” says the pharmacist, “will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?”

 

The duck answers, “What kind of duck do you think I am?”

Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”

 

“So?” asked the duck’s former owner, “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

Dog’s Ear Infection

Apparently this woman’s miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream.

 

The woman went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some depilatories were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair.

 

He then said, “May I ask where you intend to use this?”

 

She replied “Well, it’s for my schnauzer.”

 

He said, “OK, but you shouldn’t ride a bike for two weeks.”

The Stork Family

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, “Papa stork, where were you last night?”

 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork.

 

Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked, “Mama stork, where were you last night?”

 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork.

 

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, “Where the hell were you baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

 

“Out scaring the shit out of college students,” replied baby stork.

Wittle Wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell wittle wabbits?”

 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.”

The Bar Elephant

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don’‘t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: “Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.”

 

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, “I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.” “Yeah, he’‘s out back”

 

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

 

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: “Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.” Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.

 

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

 

“Easy.” said the man, “When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it.”

The Rabbit and the Bear

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Mississippi River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

 

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

 

“Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I’ve got something to show you!”

 

“Not now! I’m eating.”

 

“Oh come on!” said the rabbit. “It’s really important.”

 

“No way.”

 

“Please. It’s urgent.”

 

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

 

“Well, rabbit,” he panted. “What did you want to tell me?”

 

“Hey, Teddy,” the rabbit began, “look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

[*Smart Hunting Dogs ]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”

 

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”

 

Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”

 

Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.”

 

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg.

 

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”

 

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

 

The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Slow Race Horse

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

 

He turned on the jockey.

 

“Flaherty, could you not have gone any faster?”

 

“Sure I could have,” says the jocky, “but you know the track rules require us to stay on the horse until the race is over.”

The Aroused Gorilla

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

 

“That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,” he said. “Why don’t you take your blouse off and we’ll see what he does?”

 

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

 

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

 

“Hey,” the husband said, “let’s really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we’ll see what he does.”

 

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

 

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

 

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. “Now,” said the husband with an evil smile, “tell HIM you have a headache!”

Baby Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?”

 

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand”.

 

“OK” said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

 

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert”, “Thanks Mom” replies the son.

 

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

 

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.”

 

“That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

 

But Mom”, “Yes son?”

 

“Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

Gorilla Chase

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he’d never left it on its own.

 

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

 

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o’clock.

 

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

 

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can’t I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

 

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he’d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

 

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

 

Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else’s sports car and drove off.

 

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

 

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone’s front garden and up the apple tree.

 

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

 

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he’d lost the gorilla.

 

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

 

The gorilla!

 

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

 

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

 

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You’re it!”

Impressive Hunting Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

 

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

 

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

 

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

 

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.

Faulty Farm Phone

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

 

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

 

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring…which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

 

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

 

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

 

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

 

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I! ‘m lost and need directions!”

[* The Gay Grizzly Bear *** *]

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

 

The hunter’s shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. “You are hunting me, I’ll bet”, said the bear. “You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!”

 

The hunter didn’t want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

 

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

 

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly’s offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, “You’re not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

 

[_ *** May not be suitable for mixed company _]

[*Puny Alligator ]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC. the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain’t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger’n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

 

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, What you been eatin’ boy?” “Politicians, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator. “Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ‘em?”

 

“Down ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

 

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ‘em?” “Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ‘em on the leg, shake the shit out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!”

 

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but an asshole and a briefcase.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Penguin Breakdown *]

A penguin is driving through the desert and his car breaks down. He calls AAA. His car is towed to the nearest garage and the mechanic says he’ll need a couple of hours to check out the car.

 

The penguin doesn’t complain, but wanders off to find the closest supermarket. He goes to the frozen foods section, gets into the freezer and eats a few gallons of vanilla ice cream to kill some time.

 

Later, his mouth covered with ice cream, he goes back to see the mechanic. The mechanic, wiping his hands, walks over to the penguin, shaking his head saying, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

 

Blushing, the penguin said, “Oh, no, really—it’s just ice cream.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Drunk and Disorderly

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog.

 

The man stops her and asks, “Hey where’d ya get the pig?”

 

The woman replies, “Listen you drunken bastard, that’s a dog not a pig.”

 

The man then said, “Take it easy, I was talking to the dog”

Dog and Cat Diary

As seen in a dog’s diary:

 

7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm – Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite!

 

As seen in a cat’s diary:

 

Day 183 of my captivity… My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded – must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair – must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Those Lucky Lions

Two guys are chatting in a bar.

One says “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“Damn,” says his friend, “ and I just joined the Elks!”

The Elephant and the Camel

An elephant asks a camel, “Why are your breasts on your back?”

 

“Well,” says the camel, I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.”

The Pheasant and the Bull

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,” sighed the pheasant, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

 

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “they’re packed with nutrients.”

 

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

 

The moral of the story: bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Rude Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ‘‘Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.

 

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

 

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.

 

“Yes?”

 

“You know.”

Bragging Race Horses

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

 

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

 

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

 

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

 

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

The Goony Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.

 

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

 

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported “Goony bird” and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, “Goony bird! The table!”

 

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, “Goony bird! The shelf!”

 

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

 

“Wow!” said the wife, “If this doesn’t attract my husband’s attention, nothing will!” So she bought the bird and took it home.

 

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. “Honey!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!”

 

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, “Goony Bird, my ass!”

Roach Rhetoric

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

 

“I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere—it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.”

 

“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”

Rabbit and the Bear

One day in the back woods of West Hollywood, a giant bear was chasing little rabbit. “Stop running and get back here!” yelled the bear.

 

“Never!” shouted the rabbit.

 

Well as the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.

 

The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.

 

The genie said to the bear,“Hey! If you stop chasing him I’ll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!”

 

The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, “I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!”

 

Poof and his wish was granted.

 

The rabbit went next, “I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!”

 

Poof and the rabbit’s wish was granted.

 

The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, “What a lame wish!”

 

For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.

 

Poof his wish was granted.

 

The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.

 

Just before he booked out of there he said, “I wish the bear was gay!”

Three Little Pigs

The first little pig went to a bar ordered a beer and a roast beef sandwitch. He ate the sandwitch, gulped down the beer, went to the restroom and found an out of order sign on the door. “Just use the ladies’ room,” said the bartender,“the men’s room is down for repairs.”

 

The second little pig went to the same bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said “We have roast beef sandwitchs on special today, do you want one?”

 

“No thank you,” said the second little pig, “ I’m not very hungry.” He drank his beer, went to the restroom and he too had to be instructed to use the ladies room.

 

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a beer, gulped it down, paid his tab and started to leave.

 

As the bartender was ringing up the sale, he said “Are you planning to use the restroom before you go?”

 

“No.” said the third little pig,“I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home”

Drink for the Talking Dog

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I’m a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?”

 

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Alright. The toilets right around the corner.”

Very Harsh Detergent

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hade lot of laundry to do.

 

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

 

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

 

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

 

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

 

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

 

“Well, the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

 

“Oh? What was it then?”

 

“I think it was the rinse cycle!”

More Doggone Plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word “dog” in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix “dog.”

 

Steven raised his hand and said, “Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!”

Animal Sounds

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

 

“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”

 

“It goes moo.”

 

“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”

 

“It goes meow.”

 

“Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?”

 

“It goes baaa.”

 

“Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?”

 

“Errr.., it goes.. click!”

Chapter 2

Aviation Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a drunken pilot may appear here and in the Hobo & Drunk Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

 

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk () for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

[* Surviving the Storm *]

The airline captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic lined bags in their pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom:

 

“Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it! But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”

 

After a short pause and several clicks, there came a few words more. "Damn, Damn Damn- whadda bitchin' ride! Boy- I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now."

 

As a stricken flight attendant dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her: “Don’t forget the coffee!”.

 

[_ Risque _]

A Slight Delay

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

 

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”

 

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”

 

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

Bailing Out

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest rode in a small private plane. Engine trouble developed. Despite the pilot’s efforts, the plane started down. The pilot grabbed a parachute, told the passengers to jump, and he bailed out.

 

But there were only three parachutes left. The doctor grabbed one and said, “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live.” He jumped.

 

The lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

 

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

 

The little boy handed the parachute back and said, “Not to worry, father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my backpack.”

[*I Didn’t Catch Your Name ]

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her.

 

He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”

 

She responds, “To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

 

He’s CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!

 

“And what do you do at this meeting?” he asks.

 

“Well,” she says, “we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

 

“And what myths are those?” he goes on desperately.

 

She goes on to explain, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who own this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers.”

 

“Very interesting…..” the man responds.

 

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”

 

The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto…….Tonto Goldstein.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Take Me to Iraq *]

A small commercial plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

 

He held a gun to the pilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, “Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

 

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.” But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Listen to me. The pilot’s got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

 

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator’s head and repeated, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.” But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

 

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess’s head and demanded, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HER brains all over the place.” No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker’s ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out ofthe cockpit in a panic.

 

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

 

“I told him, sir,” she replied, “that if he killed me, he’d be the one who’d have to give you guys your blowjobs.”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* Pierre the Fighter Pilot *]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

 

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!”

 

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.

 

“What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

 

“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!”

 

She smiles and they start kissing.When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

 

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

 

“Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie.

 

“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”

 

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

 

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

 

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

 

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

 

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

 

[_ Risque _]

Blonde Stewardess Trainee

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

 

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her hotel room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

 

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

The Old Box Lunch

The flight crew of the Air Force C-141 cargo plane had completed their training mission and was returning to their home base. The aircraft commander, Major Franklin, had turned the controls over to the copilot and was going back to the cargo bay to have lunch with the rest of the crew.

 

After having finished their standard issue Air Force in-flight box lunch, the crew was engaging in conversation. As the Major was getting ready to dispose of the remains of his box lunch, he took out the small packaged moist towelette and held it in the air.

 

“Anyone want this before I throw it away,” said the Major, “I don’t use them anymore since my wife thinks the perfumed scent makes me smell like a French whorehouse.”

 

“I’ll take it sir,” announced a young airman, “my wife has never been in a whorehouse.”

Thanks for Flying XYZ Airline

An airline pilot was telling about a particular flight where he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”

 

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

 

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

 

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

Blonde Pilot

The blonde had just competed ten hours of flight instruction and mastered the ability to land the plane. Her instructor had congratulated her on the accomplishment and told her that she would now be able to take the plane up by herself and solo. Although she had not yet received her private license and be able to carry passengers on her small Cessna airplane, she was anxious to show her younger sister what she could do. So she arrived at the airfield early in the morning with her sister and they got into the plane together and took of on the blonde’s scheduled “solo” flight.

 

The takeoff was fine and the flight to a neighboring airport was without incident. Now it was time for her to show her sister how to land a plane. The blonde was explaining the importance of getting lined up properly for the landing as she went through the base, downwind, and final approach legs of her landing routine.

 

As they approached the runway on final approach, the blonde cranked in the traditional 20 degrees of flaps. As they got closer to the edge of the runway, the blonde remarked that the runway looked much shorter than she had expected, so she cranked in another 10 degrees of flaps. Still closer, the blonde was again concerned about the shortness of the runway and cranked in a full 40 degrees of flaps.

 

As soon as the wheels touched down on the front of the runway the blonde cut the engine and applied the brakes as hard as she could. The tires screamed as the plane dug into the runway and came to a stop only few inches from the end.

 

The blonde turned to her sister and complained, “I have never in my life seen such a short runway!!!”

 

“Yea,” agreed her sister, who looked out of both of the side windows and then remarked, “but look how wide it is!!!”

Courageous Conduct

It was one of the early transatlantic flights from London to New York. The aircraft had lost an engine and was having trouble maintaining altitude. In an attempt to lighten the load the crew had thrown out all of the luggage, mail, food, and other supplies. Next they had dismantled the seats and tossed them out as well. Even with all this the plane was not able to maintain altitude. Finally all members of the crew except the Pilot had parachuted out with an inflatable raft and a survival kit. Still the aircraft continued to loose altitude.

 

Finally the pilot came on the intercom and addressed the passengers. “I apologize for all of the drastic measures we have had to take and the inconvenience we have made you suffer, but they have been warranted by the severe circumstances. I regret to inform you that we have only one more option available to us. We have dumped all the fuel we can without cutting our range so short we cannot hope to reach land. I am, therefore, asking for volunteers who may wish to jump without a parachute into the sea in order to save the others. According to my calculations it will take three average size men to meet our objective. I’m sure anyone who jumps will not survive, but as it looks now none of us will survive anyway. Is there anyone who would volunteer to take this courageous and selfless act.

 

Everyone is silent for a moment, then an Englishman stands up gestures bravely to the crowd remarks “God save the Queen” and jumps out the door.

 

Next a small Frenchman stands up, bravely utters “Viva La France” and jumps to his death.

 

There is another lull and finally a large Texan stands up and hollers “Remember the Alamo” and throws two small Mexicans out the door.

[* Fleas in Florida *]

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

 

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

 

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

 

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

 

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

 

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

 

“And so?” asked the first flea.

 

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

 

[_ Risque _]

Blonde on a Flight to New York

A very pretty blonde is boarding a plane bound for New York. As she enters the plane and is greeted by the stewardess, she says “I’m blonde, beautiful and going to New York. “The stewardess looks at her ticket and says “That’s very nice, your seat is in the coach section, proceed to the back of the plane.”

 

The blonde sees an empty seat in First Class and proceeds to sit in the seat. The stewardess comes over and informs her that her the seat is taken and because the plane is completely booked, she must proceed to her assigned seat. The blonde replies “I’m blonde, beautiful and going to New York and I am not going to move”.

 

The stewardess tells the blonde a second time that the flight is completely booked, her seat is in the coach section, she did not pay for or get assigned that seat and she will have to proceed to her assign seat. The blonde looks at her and says “I’m blonde, beautiful and going to New York and I am not going to move”.

 

The stewardess seeing that she is at an stalemate, goes to the captain and informs him of the problem. The captain tells her not to worry, he is married to a blonde, and knows how to handle the situation. He proceeds towards the blonde and informs her that her seat is in the coach section, she did not pay for or get assigned that seat and she will have to proceed to her assigned seat. The blonde looks at him and says “I’m blonde, beautiful and going to New York, and I am not going to move”.

 

The captain leans over and whispers in her ear and the blonde jumps out of the seat and runs into the coach section to find her seat. The stewardess sees this and approaches the captain, asking him what he had said since all her attempts had not worked.

 

The captain looks at her and says that I just told her that First Class does not go to New York.

Do the Math

A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question , and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.” Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” This catches the engineer’s complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’” The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

 

After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more that a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.”

Ticket Please

An exhibitionist named Keith was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Keith for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

 

“I’m sorry sir” she said politely, “but you have to show your ticket, not your stub.

Pulling Rank

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

 

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

 

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”

[*Colorful Dogfight ]

Sven, a Swedish pilot during World War I, was being interviewed on TV. He had been asked about the day he shot down 7 German airplanes.

 

“Well, Oi was jus flyin’ aloong when suddenly Oi see this fokker flyin’ oop at me,” explained Sven in his native accent. “Oi looked aroun’ and saw there woos another fokker off me right wing and then two fokkers offme left wing. There was a fokker behin’ me, and two fokkers comin’ doon at me.”

 

At this point the interviewer interjected, “Perhaps I should explain to our viewing audience that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft.”

 

“Yah,” said Sven. “That, too. But these fukkers were flying Messerschmidts.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Navy Fighter Pilot

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was allowed to skip boot camp and was sent right to Pensecola.

 

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

 

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

 

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

 

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, “Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?”

 

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, “You make one velly impoltant mistake!”

International Competition

The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the midair performance of their chutes.

 

The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth.

 

The Italian jumped, pulled the cord – and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord – nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

 

“Oh,” shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, “so ya wanna race!”

[*Sniffer Dog ]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

 

The airline rep says, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

 

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

 

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

 

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to it’s seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

 

The handler says, “Good boy.”

 

He turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

 

“Fantastic!” replies the first man.

 

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

 

The airline rep says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

 

“I like it!” says the first man.

 

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and messes badly all over the place.

 

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, “What the bloody hell is going on?”

 

The handler nervously replies, “He just found a bomb.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

A Sensible Solution

Fred and Barney were sitting on the porch of the Retired Veterans home discussing politics as usual.

 

“Well I see that Congress has just appropriated a billion dollars to improve airline security and two billion to keep the airlines solvent until they get people to feel comfortable flying again ,” says Fred as he puts down his newspaper.

 

“I could save them all that money.“says Barney, “and accomplist the same results.”

 

“How would you do that?”, says Fred.

 

“I’d replace all the stewardesses with strippers,” says Barney.

 

“What would that accomplish?” asks Fred.

 

“Well first the Muslim men would stop flying because they are not allowed to look at a naked woman”, says Barney, “and second, the business men would probably double their flying time just to get to see the strippers, especially if it is on the company tab.”

Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”

 

Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

 

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!

 

Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

 

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”

 

Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”

 

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”

 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

 

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“Have you farted yet?”

 

“No…..”

 

“Well, don’t, ‘cause I’m in Phoenix!

Sorry About That

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!“Then silence.

 

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

A Rare Condition

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

 

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

 

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

 

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue, wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy”?

 

The woman replies, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

 

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, “I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?”

 

The woman looks at him and says, “Pepper”.

Taxed to the Limit

Frank and Maybelle, an old couple who owned a small business, were sitting together on an airplane flying on their first vacation to Europe.

 

Halfway through their trip the Captain announces: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some terrible news. We’re experiencing engine trouble and this plane will be forced to land immediately! Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing.”

 

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island and everyone deplanes and begin the task of figuring out what to do next.

 

After a while old Frank turns to his wife and say’s “This Island appears to be uncharted and desolate. In fact the Captain is unable to find it on any of his maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives! This is horrible, simply horrible!”

 

After a few minutes his wife Maybelle asks,“Did we pay our quarterly Federal income tax yet?”

 

“No. What a silly thing to ask now!” says Frank.

 

She replies,“Did you remember to mail off our State taxes before we left?”

 

“No, I forgot to send the check, so what! Let ‘em rot!”

 

“One last thing,” says Maybelle,“Did you remember to send property tax check this month?”

 

“Nope, I’m afraid that I forgot that one too! And your point is?”

 

Maybelle begins to grin,

 

“So what are you smiling about!?” an exasperated Frank asks.

 

“They’ll find us!!” says Maybelle.

[*Just in Case ]

Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.

 

The first lady said, “I don’t know about y’all, but I’m gonna wear me some hot pink underwear before I get on that plane.”

 

“Why you gonna wear dat?” the other two asked.

 

The first replied,“Because, if dat plane is gonna crash and I’m out there laying butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna see my butt.”

 

The second lady says, “Well, I’m a-gonna wear me some fluorescent orange underwear.”

 

“Why you gonna wear dat?” the others asked.

 

The second lady answered: “Because if dis here plane is gonna crash and I’m floating butt-up in the ocean, dey gonna see my butt”!!

 

The third old lady says, “Well, I’m not going to wear any underwear.”

 

“What? No underwear?!” the others said in disbelief.

 

“Dat’s right; you heard me. I’m not wearing any underwear,” the third lady said,“because if dis plane crashes, dey always look for dat black box first!!!

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Proper Grammar

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

 

“Where you flyin’ to?” says the southern woman.

 

The northern woman turns up her nose, and then responds “Don’t you know you should never end a sentence with a preposition?”

 

The southern woman thinks about this for a second, and then says “Where you flyin’ to, bitch?

Make Me Feel Like a Woman

In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails.

 

Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?”

 

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

 

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

 

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Iron this.”

You Can Buy Happiness

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.”

 

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.” George Bush Senior says, “Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

 

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, “I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy.”

Emergency Navigation

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

 

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

 

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Canada’s Worst Air Disaster

Regular programming was interrupted by a news flash. In a very solemn voice the news commentator announced:

 

“Canada’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie firemen and paramedics have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.”

Pilots and Penguins

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water’s edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

 

Then, the paper reports, “The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.”

Traveling Vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

 

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

 

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Delayed Departure

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

 

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

Inflight Service

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick the shit out of you”.

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

 

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

Chicken Launcher

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

 

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. A group of British engineers were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing for a new British bullet train.

 

The British engineers borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the train’s windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British engineers were stunned and asked the FAA engineers to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

 

The FAA engineers reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Next time use a thawed chicken rather than a frozen one.”

No Need to Panic

hile cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. “Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”

 

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

 

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

 

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

 

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?”

 

The pilot confirmed that they were.

 

The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

 

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

 

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

 

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Broken Parachute

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!”

 

The guy flying up looks down and yells, “No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!”

Seeing Eye Dog

The airliner was making a forty-five minute stop over at an intermediate airport. The stewardess announced that any passengers who were continuing on the flight we welcome to get off the aircraft and then reboard when the flight was ready to takeoff.

 

As the pilot was leaving the plane he noticed a blind man who was seated in the first row with his seeing eye dog. The pilot asked if the man would like to get off the aricraft and stretch his legs, since the delay was going to be almost an hour.

 

“No I’m just fine”, the man replied, “but if you could take my dog for a short walk around the airport I would appreciate it very much.”

 

As the pilot emerged from the skyway with the seeing eye dog and his dark sunglasses all the passengers waiting to board the plane couldn’t believe their eyes and went scurying to change their flight.

Have a Nice Flight

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

 

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a nice flight!”

Flying Blind

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

 

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

 

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

 

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

 

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

 

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

 

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

Excited Blonde

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO…..”

 

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts “Be silent!”

 

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….”

Blind Skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

 

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

 

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

 

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

 

He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

Airline Wit

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”

 

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

 

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.

Christmas Greetings

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

 

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

 

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

 

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”

 

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

 

“That’s not why it’s there.”

 

“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”

 

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

Water Landing

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water”.

 

“Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?” asks a little old lady, terrified.

 

“Yes, I’m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs”.

 

“And if I do this, the sharks won’t eat me any more?” asks the little lady.

 

“Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won’t enjoy it so much”.

Special Fares

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

 

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Wild Ride

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

 

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

 

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

 

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

 

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

Working the Odds

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

 

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

 

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”

 

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

 

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”

 

Again he went through his tables.

 

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

 

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

 

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Blonde Pilot Trainee

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

 

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

 

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

 

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

 

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

Skydiving Class

During a skydiving class the seasoned old instructor would always ask if there were any stupid first-timer questions.

 

One of the students asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”

 

The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life.”

General and the Brat

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

 

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

 

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

 

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Military Aircraft

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

 

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

 

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

 

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

[*Crossword Puzzle ]

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. ‘This is fantastic,’ thought the gentleman. ‘I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.’

 

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in ‘unt’ are refers to a woman?” Only one word leapt to mind… a vulgar one. ‘I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another,’ thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”

 

“Of course!” exclaimed the Pope. “I don’t suppose you happen to have an eraser? “

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Aerial Photography

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

 

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

 

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

 

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Santa’s Check Ride

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test.

 

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

 

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

 

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Flight Control Software

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?”

 

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

 

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Arabs and the Jew

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.

 

Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “Since Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, I think I’ll go up and get myself a coke.”

 

“No problem,” said the Jew. “I’ll get it for you.”

 

While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew’s shoe and spit in it.

 

The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, “That looks good. Think I’ll have one too.”

 

Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

 

The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

 

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples … this hatred … this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!”

 

In Lieu of Prayer

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.”

 

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…

 

“Now, now, keep calm, folks” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”

 

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except fellow near the back.

 

“Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.

 

“Well, I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.

 

“Well, just do something religious!” piped up another well meaning passenger.

 

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat…

 

A Rich Doctor

A mother was anxiously awaiting her blonde daughter`s plane. The young blonde had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

 

As the blonde was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

 

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

 

“I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!”

[* Big Planes and Baby Planes *]

A mother and her young son were flying Alaska Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said “Mom … If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

 

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.

 

“Excuse me” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

 

“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

 

“Yes” He said nodding his head.

 

She whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Alaska Airlines always pulls out on time.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Space Age Technology

During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.

 

After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

 

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Pilot’s Vision Test

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she’d been hoodwinked.

 

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. “How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?”

 

“Well,” says the pilot, “it’s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.”

 

“I can understand that,” replies the doctor. “But what about the take-off?”

 

“Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!”

 

“But once you’re aloft?”

 

“Oh, everything’s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself.”

 

“But I still don’t see how you land!”

 

“Oh, that’s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport’s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, ‘AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!’ pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!”

Passenger Safety

Mr. Weissenblat, a middle-aged meek Jew, is on a plane for Israel, in a window seat. Just before take-off, this HUGE Arab wearing a beautiful gaudy multi- coloured gown walks up and sits down beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off.

 

All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Weissenblat realizes that he has to go to the washroom. That wouldn’t be a problem, but he looks over and notices that the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Weissenblat, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he’ll hold it in till the Arab wakes up.

 

But as luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Weiseenbalt is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable. After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride. He tries and tries to hold it in, but then “AAARRGGHH!!”—he throws up all over the Arab and his beautiful garment. He thinks, “Oh, no! Now he’s gonna kill me!” and sits there in apprehension waiting for the Arab to wake up.

 

Finally, the Arab wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him. Mr. Weissenblat says to him, “Well, do you feel better now?”

Try to Do This

An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

 

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, “So? What did you do?”

 

“We just shut down two engines.”

Fasten Your Seatbelt

Muhammed Ali had just won the world heaveyweight championship title. He was really pumped with his own self importance, and kept saying “I am the greatest.” On his way back home he boarded a commercial airliner and had taken his seat in the first class cabin when the stewardess came over and asked him to fasten his seatbelt.

 

Ali told the stewardess, “Superman don’t need no seatbelt.”

 

The stewardess replied, “Champ, Superman don’t need no airplane.”

[*Maiden Flight ]

Amos looked at himself in the mirror above the crew lounge restroom sink and put a hundred mission crush on his new cap. He looked impressive in his pilots uniform, especially now that he had put on the captain’s strips he had just been awarded. A few minutes later he strode onto the Boeing 737, smiled at the stewardess and nodded to the passengers, as he entered the cockpit and closed the door. He sat down in the left hand seat, put on his headset and turned on the intercom.

 

“This is your captain,” said Amos, in a clear and professional sounding voice, “ Amos Jacob Mosses Brown. This is a very auspicious day for me and the members of my race, since I am the first black pilot to be promoted to captain on a major airline. I am indeed proud.

 

I would like to welcome you all aboard flight 267, non-stop to Chicago. Our estimated flying time is two hours and twelve minutes. We will be flying at approximately 34,000 feet. Visibility is clear and the ground temperature in Chicago is a balmy 74 degrees. The weather en route is clear and we expect a smooth and comfortable flight.

 

Now if you will just be patient for a few more moments, I’ll see if I can get dis big mother-fucker off da ground.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

The Travel Voucher

An employee of US Air with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

 

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, “Excuse me, are you Gay?”

 

The man, somewhat stunned, said, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!”

 

The flight attendent said, “I’‘m sorry, but you’‘ll have to get off the plane.”

 

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, “Excuse me, you’‘ve made a mistake – I’‘m Gay!”

 

Finally, another man jumped up and said, “Well, hell, I’‘m gay too! They can’‘t throw us all off!”

 

[*Rescheduled Flight ]

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers after the cancellation of a crowed airline flight. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

 

The agent replied, “I’‘m sorry sir. I’‘ll be happy to try to help you, but I’‘ve got to help these folks first, and I’‘m sure we’‘ll be able to work something out.”

 

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

 

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.”

 

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore “Fuck you.”

 

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’‘m sorry, sir, but you’‘ll have to stand in line for that, too.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

360 Degree Turn

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty.

 

The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?”

 

Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!”

Using the Ladies Room

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants’ ladies room but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

 

When he arrived in the attendants’ ladies room, next to the paper roll there were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, and ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button, and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed onto his bare bottom.

 

He thought, “Wow, these gals really have it nice!”

 

So a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button, and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

 

“Aha,” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!”

 

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft, disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

 

“Man, this is great,” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

 

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what had happened. He explained that the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

 

The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.”

Blonde Hijacker

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed.

 

Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, “I have a live grenade in my pocket. I’ll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.”

 

Perplexed, the stewardess said, “But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.”

 

“Damn!” replied the blonde passenger, “I got on the wrong plane.”

Texas Hospitality

Dallas Tower: “Saudi Air Flight 375—You are cleared to land southbound on Runway 18 Right.”

Saudi Air 375: “Thank you, DFW. Acknowledge cleared to land on Runway 18 Right. Allah be Praised!”

Dallas Tower: “Egypt Air 191—You are now cleared to land northbound on Runway 36 Left.”

 

Egypt Air 191: “Roger, DFW. Understand we are cleared to land on Runway 36 Left. God is Great.”

Pause: Static—

Saudi Air: “Dallas ATC! Dallas ATC!”

DFW Tower: “Go ahead, Saudi.”

Saudi Air: "You have cleared both aircraft for the same runway -- in opposite directions! Instructions please!

DFW Tower: Y’all be careful now, ya hear?”

More Information Needed

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

Noise Abatement

TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

I See Him

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the Little Fokker in sight.”

Last Known Position

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”

Hot Landing

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

White Knuckle Landing

There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.”

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Speak English Please

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

 

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):“Because you lost the bloody war.”

Runway Roadkill

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

Cute Little Plane

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

Frankfurt Ground Control

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

Female Controller

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Flight Information

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”

 

The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute…”

 

The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone

[* Stewardess Sex *]

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

 

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

 

A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

 

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

 

[_ Risque _]

Chapter 3

Bar & Pub Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a sailer in a bar may appear here and in the Military & Nautical Jokes chapter as well. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

 

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk () for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

[*Cowboy Saloon ]

It was one of those typical old Western saloons you see in most of the old movies with swinging doors, a honkey tonk piano, and a long bar. In comes a little gay fella in a city dude suit. He waits patiently for the bartender to finish cleaning a glass and then says politely to the bartender “I would like a glass of sarsaparilla, please” in a high pitched feminine sounding voice. “I’m sorry friend,” says the bartender, “but this is a cowboy bar, we don’t serve fellas like you in here.”

 

“I won’t cause any problems mister,” the little fella says, “I’m very thirsty and I’ll just sit quietly in the corner, drink my sarsaparilla, and not say a thing to anyone.”

 

“Well alright”, says the bartender “things are a mite slow and if you promise to behave yourself you can have your drink quietly in the corner.” The little guy takes his sarsaparilla and goes off to a table in the corner of the saloon and quietly sips his drink.

 

A few minutes later, the swinging doors to the saloon fly open and a huge rough looking cowboy strides into the saloon. Beating the dust off his chaps with his hat he tells the bartender “I’ll have three fingers of red eye and make it quick.”

 

The bartender has his drink poured by the time the cowboy reaches the bar. The cowboy downs the drink in a single gulp, slams the glass down on the bar and demands “hit it again, barkeep.” The bartender pours a second glass for the cowboy, who guzzles it down the same way. Without any hesitation, the bartener pours a third dirnk.

 

After the third drink, the cowboy announces that he has just come off of the longest, dirtiest, and hottest cattle drive ever known, and exclaims:

 

“I’m so thirsty I could drink the bar dry and so horney I could screw a cow.”

 

At this point, the little fella in the corner cannot contain himself any longer, and responds:

 

“Moo… Moo… you big buckaroo.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Small Voices

A man walks into a quiet bar and orders a cold beer. He takes the beer over to a table and sits down. After a few sips of his beer, he hears a small voice say “nice shoes.” He looks around but he is the only one in the bar except the bartender who is occupied cleaning the other end of the bar.

 

The man shrugs it off and goes back to his drink. A few minutes later another small voice says “nice shirt.” Again the man looks around but can see no one around. Concerned that his mind is playing tricks on him he is now on guard, listening for any reoccurrences. After a few minutes a third small voice says “nice pants.”

 

This time he is sure it is not his imagination, so he goes up to the bartender and tells him what has happened.

 

“Oh yea, that happens all the time” says the bartender pointing to the small bowl on the guys table.

 

“It’s the peanuts, they’re complementary.”

[*The Old Bar Fly ]

If ever there was a bar fly it was old Clyde. He spent most of his time in the local bar, where he would swap jokes, tall tales, or gossip for a drink. He was a colorful old guy and everybody liked him. One of the regulars named Jack had been out of town on business for a month and came back to the bar for a drink and to catch up on the news.

 

The minute Jack walked through the door, he spotted old Clyde at his favorite stool at the bar. Jack sat down beside Clyde and ordered a drink. Then he ask Clyde what he had been doing. Clyde’s response was that everything in the bar, and in his life, had been pretty much the same for the last month, except for last Wednesday.

 

Jack asked “what happened last Wednesday?’

 

Clyde then became very animated as he relayed the story. “It was about ten in the evening when the cops staged a raid on the bar to break up the illegal poker game going on in the back room. It was a real wild night with lights flashing, sirens blaring and cops everywhere. I was in the men’s room taking a piss when it all came down, and I got so excited, I zipped it right off!!!”

 

“Oh, come on Clyde you didn’t really zip it off,” Jack said laughingly.

 

“I sure did said Clyde”, looking dead serious while he reaches into his right pants pocket and retrieves a small, brown cylindrical object and shows it to Jack, “and here it is.”

 

Jack looks at the object in Clyde’s hand and says “Clyde, that’s just one of your old cigar butts.”

 

Clyde puts the cigar butt on the bar and goes back into the same pocket and retrieves another object saying “here it is, I told you I wasn’t lying.”

 

Jack looks at the object in Clyde’s hand and says “Clyde, that’s just another cigar butt.”

 

Clyde places the second cigar butt on the bar and is fishing in his left pants pocket when he retrieves an object, thrusts it under Jacks nose and says “no wonder I couldn’t find it before, it was in my left pocket!”

 

“Sorry Clyde’” Jack responds “but it’s just another cigar butt.”

 

Clyde places the third cigar butt on the bar and looking puzzled as he pats down the rest of his pockets, says “you don’t suppose I smoked it do you?”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Make it a Triple]

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch.

 

As the bartender poured the drink he remarked “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?”

 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

 

“Wow” exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. “No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.”

 

As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him “What did you do?”

 

“I walked over to my wife” the man replies “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get the hell out.”

 

“That makes sense.” said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?”

 

The man replied, “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ‘BAD DOG!’ “

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

The Bar Bully

The bar bully was spoiling for some trouble as he headed into his favorite bar. Unfortunately it was a slow night and there was only one patron in the bar. At least one was better than none, so the Bully sat down on the stool next to the small man who sat silently looking at his drink with a sad face.

 

Immediately the bully started to pick a fight with the little guy. The bartender saw what was happening and said “Leave him alone Gus, he’s had a bad day.” “I’ve had a bad day too, so butt out” retorted Gus. He continued to taunt the little guy, but without any luck. The little guy didn’t respond to any of the insults which normally would get a fight going or cause the person to walk out. Instead the little guy just ignored the taunts and sat motionless, transfixed in his thoughts.

 

Finally in disgust, Gus grabbed the guy’s drink and says “This looks pretty good I think I’ll have it.” “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” says the bartender. “Get lost” responds Gus as he downs the guy’s drink. When he is finished he throws the empty glass back into the guys lap and says “Now what are you going to do about that?”

 

“I don’t want to fight,” says the little guy, “I’ve had a rough day.”

 

“What’s so bad about your day that you keep whining about it to everyone” says Gus.

 

“Well,” says the little guy “this morning I got a call from my doctor saying that my test results are back and I have terminal cancer. Then go out to get in my car and it won’t start so I have to take the bus to work. Then because I’m ten minutes late my boss fires me . So I come back home and find my wife in bed with the mailman. I call my stock broker and find out that my investments have taken a turn for the worst and I am basically broke. I start down here and it begins raining. Then down on the corner a guy mugs me and takes my cash and my watch. Then I come in here to end it all and you drink my poison.”

[*Monkey in the Bar ]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

 

The guy says, “No, what?”

 

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

 

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

 

“Now what?” responds the patron.

 

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Made in the USA

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!! knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

 

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

 

So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

 

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --WHAM!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he comes to, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.”

[*Piano Player’s Monkey ]

Mike and Sue walk into a bar. The place is pretty crowded and there is a piano player providing background music. Mike and Sue want to talk so they take a table on the other side of the bar where it is quieter and more tables are available. They order a couple of drinks and begin talking.

 

A little while after their drinks arrive, a small monkey with a red vest and pill box hat jumps on their table, takes off the hat and holds it out to Mike. But Mike is busy talking to Sue and doesn’t pay any attention to the monkey.

 

At this, the monkey chatters loudly and jumps up and down to get their attention and once more holds out the hat.

 

“I Wonder what he wants,” asks Sue?

 

“Looks like he’s panhandling for coins” says, Mike and he returns to their previous conversation.

 

At this point the monkey is getting more insistent and he yanks on Mike’s sleeve and then shoves the hat out again.

 

Mike, who is also getting perturbed at this point, says “scram you little pest, we’re not giving you anything”, shoves the monkey across the table and goes back to his conversation.

 

A few seconds later the conversation is interrupted by the sound of the monkey peeing in Mike’s beer.

 

The monkey then scrambles off and Mike calls the waitress over to the table. “A monkey in a red suit peed in my beer and I want a new one,” Mike tells the waitress.

 

“I can bring you another beer, but you’ll have to pay for it” the waitress says.

 

“I shouldn’t have to pay for another beer, the one the monkey peed in was over half full,” Mike complains.

 

“That’s not my problem” says the waitress, “the monkey belongs to the piano player and goes around and collects tips for him. Neither one of them works for the bar. If you have a problem with the monkey you should talk to the piano player.”

 

Mike gets up from the table and walks across the room to the piano, where the piano player is just finishing a song. The piano player looks up with a smile and says “what can I do for you buddy?’

 

Mike says “Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?”

 

“No,” the piano player says, ‘but if you hum a few bars I’ll see if I can pick it up.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Trained Alligator *]

A burley Cajun walks into a Louisiana bar and holds the door open for a large alligator which follows him in and over to a table. Everyone in the bar is startled and screaming at the bartender.

 

Once the bartender has regained his composure he says “You can’t bring an alligator in here, what the hell is the matter with you?”

 

The Cajun holds up his hand and says reassuringly “Don’t be alarmed this is a trained alligator and he is very gentle around people.”

 

The bartender and the patrons are not convinced and they continue to demand that the Cajun remove the alligator. Finally to prove a point, the Cajun walks over to the bar and gets an empty bottle, hoists the alligator up onto the table, opens the alligators mouth, unzips his fly and puts his penis in the alligators mouth.

 

The alligator just lies there and does not bite. Then the Cajun hits the alligator over the head with the bottle. Still the alligator just lies there calmly.

 

The Cajun looks at the crowd and smiles. “See how harmless he is. Does any one else want to try this?”

 

After a few moments a small neatly groomed fellow in the back of the bar raises his hand. "I'd like to give it a try" he says -- "if you promise not to hit me in the head with the bottle."

 

[_ Risque _]

[*The Music Man ]

The manager of an upscale restaurant despirately needs a piano player to play background music during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says “That was beautiful, what do you call it?” The pianist replies “its called I love you so much I could shit.”

 

“The manager says, “uh… OK, play another”. The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. “That one’s called muscle of love baby.” says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he’s forgotten to close his zipper.

 

The manager walks up and says “do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?” The pianist grins and says “know it, I wrote it!!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

You Look Familiar

A man,obviously drunk, walks into the front door of a bar. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

 

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment confused, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. Finally fed up, the bartender comes over and tells him that he’ll either call a cab or the cops, and that the drunk has

five seconds to decide which it’ll be.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

[* Stop the Music *]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.

 

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

 

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50.

 

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

 

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

 

“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

 

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

 

[_ Risque _]

[*Got the Message ]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

 

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 

“Actually, no” he replies.

 

“Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Three Drinks Please

An Irishman named Patrick comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages is casual conversations with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two.

 

This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, “You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you.” Patrick replies, “No, I prefer it this way. You see, I’m very close to my two brothers who are still living in Ireland. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together.” The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.

 

This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.

 

“Is everything alright?” the bartender asked.

 

“What do you mean?” replied Patrick.

 

“Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”

 

“No,” Patrick replied. “They’re both fine. It’s just that I’ve quit drinking.”

Putting on the Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

 

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

 

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,” I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

 

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living?”

 

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Bear in the Bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs in the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

 

The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

 

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

 

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

 

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

 

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

 

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

 

The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.”

 

The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

Too Drunk to Drive

One night a police officer was staking out this particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the “Driving-Under-The-Influence Laws”.

 

At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different motorcycles before finding the right one. Once he has found the right bike he spends ten minutes putting on his jacket, helmet, and gloves. Then sits on seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

 

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he starts the engine and begins to pull away.

 

The police officer waiting for him, stops the biker, reads him his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

 

The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be possible.

 

The biker replies, “well, tonight I’m the DESIGNATED DECOY!

[*I’ll Take that Bet ]

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t beleive what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy. “Like what?” asked the bartender.

 

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50”, said the man.

 

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing poker with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and poker playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

 

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

 

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Sea Stories

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

 

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

 

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off.”

 

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”

 

“Ahhh…,” mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

 

“Zounds!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

 

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye,” answered the pirate.

 

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

 

“Well…” said the pirate,” ..it was me first day with the hook.”

A Tiff with Riley

“My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

 

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

 

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have had something in his hand.”

 

“Aye…that he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

 

“Dear Lord…didn’t you have anything in YOUR hand?”

 

“Aye, that I did,” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it was, but that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!”

You Need Help

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender’s face.

 

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”

 

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.

 

“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they come.” The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

 

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

 

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

 

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he spluttered.

 

“On the contrary,” the man said,” he’s done me a world of good.”

 

“But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.

 

“Yes” the man said. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”

[*Genie with a Hearing Loss ]

This guy walks up to a bar with a foot tall man on his shoulder. Upon noticing an old piano in the corner, the foot tall man jumps down and runs over to the piano producing the most beautiful music ever produced on it.

 

The bartender walks over to the gentleman at the bar and says, “That’s incredible, where did you get him?”

 

This guy puts this lamp on the bar and says, “I got one wish for releasing the genie in the bottle.”

 

“Do you mind if I try?” asks the bartender

 

“No, be my guest!”

 

So the bartender releases the genie and gets one wish. “I wish for a million bucks!” And instantly the bar is filled with a million ducks quacking, crapping, and flapping around the bar.

 

The bartender says: “Hey, this doesn’t work right!”

 

The man replies: “No kidding, do you think I really wished for a 12” pianist?”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Duck in the Bar

One day this duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender replies, “No, sorry we don’t.” So very well, the duck leaves.

 

The next day the duck returns to the bar, waddles up to the bartender and says, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender says, “No we don’t serve grapes in the bar.” So the duck leaves.

 

The duck returns the next day, goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, “Got any grapes?”

 

The bartender says, “Listen, I told you yesterday and the day before, that we don’t have any grapes. If you come in and ask me about grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your bill to the bar!” So the duck waddles out of the bar.

 

The next day, the duck comes back in the bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “Got any nails?”

 

The bartender says,“No.”

 

The duck says, “Good, got any grapes?”

Tough Times

A man walks in a bar and sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

 

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

 

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

 

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.”

 

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

 

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

 

"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"

 

“Then this month,…” continued, the friend, “Nothing! Not a single dime!”

[*Let’s Cut to the Chase ]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”

 

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “Let’s cut to the chase, I’ll screw anybody, any time, any place, it doesn’t matter to me as long as the money is right.”

 

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding, are you a hooker?”

 

“No,” replies the woman, “I’m an lawyer.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Telepathic Watch ]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good-looking woman, when he starts to look at his watch. The woman notices and asks him if his date is late.

 

“No,” he replies. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was just about to test it.”

 

“What does it do?”

 

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”

 

“What’s it telling you now?”

 

“Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra or panties.”

 

“Ha! Well it must be broken, because I am!”

 

“Darn thing must be an hour fast.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Blind Man’s Bluff

Two guys are out walking their dogs on a Saturday afternoon. After a while Tom says to Dave “wouldn’t a beer taste good right about now?”

 

To which, of course, Dave responds, “Yeah, it would be good, but we’ve got the dogs with us”

 

Tom thinks for a minute & says “Follow me”. He puts on his sunglasses & walks into the bar. The bartender stops him and says “Hey pal, you can’t come in here with that dog!”

 

Tom replies “This is my seeing eye dog!” The bartender says “A doberman?!” Tom says “Yeah, they’re great—-they protect you & help you get around”

 

The bartender tells him to sit down & relax.

 

Seeing that Tom was successful at getting into the bar, Dave puts his sun glasses on and comes into the bar with his dog.

 

The bartender stops him “Hey pal, you can’t bring your dog in here”

 

Dave replies “This is my seeing eye dog”

 

The bartender says “A chihuahua?!!” and starts laughing.

 

Dave replied “Oh man, they gave me a friggin’ chihuahua?!!”

Keeping Myself Pure

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

 

“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

 

“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.

 

“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

[*Sheep Country ]

In the old wild west, an eastern newspaper reporter had just arrived in a new western town when he noticed a curious lack of women.

 

Walking into the local saloon, he asked a cowboy, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?”

 

“Ya mean women?” asked the cowboy. “We ain’t got none. Round here folks just fuck sheep.”

 

“That’s disgusting,” cried the reporter, “I’ve never heard of such moral degradation.”

 

However, after a few months, the reporters balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

 

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the reporter and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

 

“You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You’ve been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I’m some kind of crazy pervert!”

 

One cowboy spoke up, “Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

An Honest Answer

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.

 

“Carmen,” she replied.

 

That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation, “Who named you, your mother?”

 

“No, I named myself,” she answered.

 

“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”

 

“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked.

 

“Beersex.”

Do as You Wish

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal?”

 

“I’ll never understand women.” Max said. “The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.”

 

“Wow!” said the bartender. “But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.”

 

“Well, “ Max went on, “I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won’t even speak to me.”

You’ve Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

 

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “so you’ve been drinking again!”

 

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, “What makes you say that?”

 

“The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.”

Honest Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party ?”

 

“Yeah,” the man answered, “I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.”

 

“But you look like Abe Lincoln.” Protested the barkeep.

 

“That’s right… My last four scores were seven years ago.”

Drinking Bet

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll bet $500 American dollars that nobody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

 

The room is quiet and no one takes the Texan’s bet. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

 

“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says “Yes,” and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

 

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

 

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

Serious Condition

A man stumbles up to the bar looking very haggard. and says “give me five shots of whisky and right now”

 

The bartender lines up five shot glasses on the bar, and fills them with whiskey. As he turns around from putting the bottle up he notices that the 5 shot classes are empty. “God almighty, that was fast.”

 

The man says “ ya, well you would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

 

The bartender takes a step back and says “what have you got?’

 

They guy pulls his hand out of his pocket and says “seventy-five cents”

Cold and Lonely

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to take a leak, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

 

There’s a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, “Help me, I’m cold! Someone help me, I’m cold!”

 

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to take a leak, and hears the noise.

 

He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, “Of course you’re cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!”

[*A Good Old Boy ]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

 

The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

 

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

 

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

 

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

 

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

 

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Under the Influence

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.

 

“Jack, here’s a twenty-dollar bill,” whispered the man, leaning over the bar, “slip her some Spanish fly.”

 

“I don’t have any Spanish fly,” said the bartender, “but a customer gave me some Jewish fly.”

 

“Jewish fly!” exclaimed the man, “What does THAT do?”

 

“I don’t know,” answered the bartender. “Why don’t we try it and find out?”

 

The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.

 

“You attract me,” she purred. “I’d like to do something with you tonight.”

 

“Honey, I’ll do anything you want,” gasped the man.

 

“Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale’s!”

Take Another Drink

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

 

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

 

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

 

Swoooop! – A torso pops out!

 

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

 

Swoooop! – Two arms pop out.

 

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

 

Swoooop! – Two legs pop out.

 

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

 

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right….right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

 

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

 

The bartender sighs and says…“That boy should have quit while he was a head!”

Big Break

Paul had been in solitary confinement in the State Prison for as long as he could remember. About the time he thought he was going to loose his mind from the isolation and boredom, a small ant found its way into his cell and became a distraction for him. Paul would share a few crumbs of his food with the ant and then spend hours conversing with him and teaching him tricks. Since neither Paul nor the ant had anything else to do they spent hours developing numerous routines for the little ant. By the time Paul had finished his twenty year sentence he had trained the ant to do all kinds of tricks.

 

When I get out I will be able to make a bundle of cash with my trained ant. This dream had sustained Paul through the years and kept him focused on his task. When he was finally released he was dieing for a drink and also to show someone what all his hard work had created. When he was released from prison they gave him a new suit of clothes and $20 in cash. He took a cab to the nearest bar and ordered a cold beer. As soon as he had taken a few sips of his beer he took a matchbox out of shirt pocket and set the ant on the bar. He then called the bartender to come over.

 

“See this ant,” said Paul, pointing at his little buddy.

 

At that point the bartender walked over looked at the little ant, then swiftly crushed it with his thumb and said “sorry about that buddy, we try and keep the place real clean.”

Military Macho

A sailor and a soldier were having a drinking contest in a bar. After they had both consumed a great quantity of beer they asked the bartender where the men’s room was located. He informed them that it was not open because of a plumbing problem, but that they could go out on the bridge behind the bar an take a leak into the water. So the sailor went to one side of the bridge and the soldier went to the other.

 

Still in a competitive mood, the sailor remarks: “Boy that water is sure cold.”

 

In an equally competitive manner the soldier remarks: “Yep, and deep too!”

A Cause for Celebration

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.

 

When he gets close he hears one say to the other “Here’s to 17 days!”

 

Smiling, the bartender says, “Congratulations! What’s so special about 17 days?”

 

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, “Well, we’ve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! It said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!”

[* Lucky Guess *]

A gay guy goes up to a nice looking straight guy who is siting by himself in a bar. The gay cups his hands and walks over to where the straight guy is sitting and says “if you can guess what I have in my hands I’ll give you a blow job.”

 

The straight guy says “look I’m straight and I’m not interested”

 

But the gay guy is persistent and keeps nagging the straight guy to venture a guess. Finally to get rid of the gay guy, the straight guy says If I play your game will you go away?”

 

“Yes,” says the gay guy,“and you only get one guess.”

 

The straight guy pretends to think for a few moments and finally says “I’ve got it, it’s a John Deer Tractor.”

 

The gay guy lifts his cupped hands up to his eye, makes a small opening peers in and then with a big smile announces “We have a winner.”

 

[_ Risque _]

An Ounce of Prevention

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

 

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order.”

 

O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

 

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

 

O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

 

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

 

O’Malley said, “ I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

[*I’ve Been Robbed ]

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

 

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

 

“Yesssh! Sssssshomebody stole my car!” the man replies.

 

The cop asks, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?”

 

“It wasss right herrrrree at the end of thisss key!” said the man.

 

About that time the officer looks down to see that the man’s penis is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

 

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

 

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, “OOHHHHH GOD!!…they got my girlfriend, too!!!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Some Other Guy

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly, Steve throws up all over himself.

 

“Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!”

 

Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

 

Eventually, Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time.

 

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: “No wain a minit, I can’splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me…he’d had one too many and he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He said he was real sorry an’ gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!”

 

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: “But this is forty bucks.”

 

“Oh, yeah…I almos’ forgot,” says Steve, “he shit in my pants, too.”

Self Image

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping a whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked: “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied: “Well, I’ve spent my entire life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am.”

 

She said: “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think about having sex with women.”

 

A little while later a couple sits down next to the old cowboy and asked him “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied: “I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian.”

[*Three Mice in the Bar ]

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

 

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

 

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, “I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Drink Orders

A brunette walks into a bar and says, “Gimme an M L.”

 

The bartender says, “What’s an M L?”

 

The brunette says, “A Miller Light.”

 

Another brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a B L”

 

The bartender says, “What’s a B L?”

 

She says, “Bud Light.”

 

A dumb blonde walks in and says, “Gimme a 15.”

 

The bartender says, “What’s a fifteen?”

 

The blonde says, “7 & 7, duh!”

I’m Offended

A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.

 

All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

 

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

 

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

 

He replies, “No, I’m an asshole.”

Strange Routine

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

 

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?”

 

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

On Her Knees

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

 

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

 

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

 

The first two men were dumbfounded.

 

“Wow! What happened next?” they asked.

 

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

No Doze

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

 

One drunk says to the other drunk, “Did you sleep with my wife last night?”

 

To which the other drunk replies, “Not a wink.”

Cheap Shots in the Bar

Frank and Walt are old drinking buddies who love to get the best of each other. They are in the local bar drinking as usual, and taking cheap shots at each other.

 

Then Frank reaches over and feels Walt’s bald head.

 

“Good God! This feels just like my wife’s ass!” Frank Roars with laughter.

 

Without missing a stroke, Walt then runs his hand over his own head and responds: “You’re right it does feel like your wife’s ass.”

Jet Fan’s Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”

 

The man replied, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you’ll see.”

 

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game.

 

The guy says, “Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.”

 

The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

 

“Wow! That’s one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?”

 

The man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for 7 years!”

Computer Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

 

‘‘You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?’‘

 

‘I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.’‘

 

‘‘Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,’‘ he says and serves him a beer.

 

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

 

‘‘Why did you do that?’‘

 

‘‘Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.’‘

 

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

 

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

‘‘What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.

 

‘‘Well, sure,’‘ says the patrolman. ‘‘But you can’t bait ‘em.’‘

*Toilet Training *

A drunk staggered up to the bartender and asked him for directions to the men’s room. The drunk then staggers off to the restroom. After about 15 minutes the bartender and all the other bar patrons hear the drunk screaming in pain – then silence – then more screaming.

 

Finally the bartender reluctantly goes to the restroom to check on him. He looks in the men’s room and he’s not there. Then he checks the ladies room and he’s not there either. Finally he goes to the end of the hall and opens a door and there is the drunk.

 

“Sir, what are you yelling about? You’re scaring the customers.”

 

“Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps squeezing my testicles!”

 

“Sir, this is the janitors closet and you’re sitting on a mop bucket.”

[* Free Drink Routine *** *]

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

 

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, the first drunk got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them.

 

The first drunk opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. The second drunk then got down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were totally drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.

 

“Man,” the second drunk said, “I’ve got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great.”

 

“Actually,” the first drunk said, “I got hungry and ate the hot dog after we got thrown out of the second bar!”

 

[_ *** May not be suitable for mixed company _]

A Fly in the Beer

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

 

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

 

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust and ordered another one.

 

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

 

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: “AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”

Brewery Bravado

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewerys decide to go to the pub for a drink.

 

The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”

 

The bartender gave him the drink.

 

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

 

The bartender proceeds with the order.

 

The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”

 

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

 

Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.”

 

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

 

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?”

 

He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”

Two Irishmen in a Pub

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?”

 

“I’m from Ireland.”

 

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.

 

“Where in Ireland are you from?”

 

“Dublin.”

 

“Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more.

 

“Where in Dublin are you from?”

 

“The East Side.”

 

“The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.

 

“Where on the East Side are you from?”

 

“McDonagh Street.”

 

“Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.”

 

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?”

 

“Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,“it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

Mild Irish Temper

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner.

 

To have a little fun, one of them approached him. “Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy and a queer?”

 

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

 

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked.

 

The second decided to try. “Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite and a child molester?”

 

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that either. Thank ye.”

 

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked.

 

The third man knew he had the solution. “Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

 

“Oh, no. But after all the other things I’ve heard about him tonight, it doesn’t surprise me a bit.”

Bound for Heaven

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. “Do you want to go to Heaven?” he asks and the man says, “Indeed I do, Father.”

 

“Then for God’s sake,” commands the priest, “leave this pub right now.”

 

He then goes to the next man, “Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?”

 

And the man answers, “Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing.”

 

“Then ye must get out of this pub right now!” orders the priest.

 

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. “Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!” exhorts the priest.

 

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, “No, I don’t,Father.”

 

“You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don’t want to go to Heaven?” asks the priest incredulously.

 

“Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!”

Irish Drunk Driver

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

 

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

 

The officer sighed, and said, ‘‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’‘

 

‘‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’

The Best Pubs Around

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around.

 

The Englishman says, ‘‘There’s a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every drink that you buy.’‘

 

The Scot is not impressed and says, ‘‘That’s nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.’‘ At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed.

 

The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ‘‘That’s nothing. In Dublin there’s this pub filled with beautiful women where the barmaid buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar closes she takes you to her room and has sex with you.’‘

 

The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

 

He replies ‘‘No, my sister told me about it.’

[*Brand Loyalty ]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, “Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now.” So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.

 

The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, “Bud Light please.”

 

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, “What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis.”

 

The bartender, calming the man, said, “Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I’ll serve you a drink.”

 

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, “Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I’ll order when I come up with something.”

 

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can’t come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, “Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin.”

 

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, “I call my Ford, because it is built big and tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?”

 

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, “Bartender, come here, I am ready to order.”

 

The bartender says, “What’ll ya have?”

 

The man says, “A Bud Light please.”

 

The bartender asks, “What is the name of your penis?”

 

The man responds, “Secret… strong enough for a man but made for a woman.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Six Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

 

The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

 

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

 

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

 

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

 

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Action at the Doggie Bar

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ‘‘Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.’‘

 

So the Doberman says, ‘‘I love liver and cheese.’‘

 

The Collie says, ‘‘That’s not good enough.’‘

 

The Bulldog says, ‘‘I hate liver and cheese.’‘

 

She says, ‘‘That’s not creative.’‘

 

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ‘‘Liver alone……cheese mine.’

Snails for Dinner

A couple go off for a romantic holiday to France, and while there, test the French delicacy that is. They both agree that they taste really great. After two weeks in France, they return home.

 

One night, the husband says to his wife, “Honey, how about I go out and get some snails for us?”

 

The wife thinks it’s a great idea, so off he goes.

 

He finally gets a bag of them, and decides to stop into the local bar for a quick drink on his way home. Well, the one drink turns into several hours of drinking, and he suddenly notices it’s one o’clock, and the wife is probably mad as hell.

 

So he trips home (literally), and arrives at his house, still tipsy from the beer. As he fumbles for his house key, he drops the bag of snails and they spill out all over the doorstep. Then, the door opens, suddenly, and there’s his wife looking furious, and waiting to hit him with her rolling pin. Without missing a beat, the husband looks down at the snails, and says “Go on, boys, nearly there, nearly there.”

Talking Dog in the Bar

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?”

 

The dog answers “ROOF.”

 

The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying.”

 

The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.”

 

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?”

 

The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.”

 

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

Ferocious Dog

A very timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “…ah, err, which of you gentlemen owns the doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

 

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”

 

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”

 

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in hell kind of dog do you have?”

 

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a chihuahua.”

 

“Liar!” roared the biker, “How could your chihuahua kill my doberman?”

 

“It appears that your dog choked on it, sir.”

A Cheaper Cure

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under… you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!”

 

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears.”

 

“How much do you charge?”

 

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

 

“I`ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

 

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?”

 

“For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

 

“Is that so! How?”

 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

The Old Window Trick

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.

 

The first man said “ I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!”

 

The second man says “Ok, sure.” and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.

 

Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: “ I’ll bet you another $100 you can’t do it again.” So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in.

 

Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says “Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in.”

 

The first man says” Ok, sure.” The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead.

 

Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man “ Gee, you can be a bastard when you’ve been drinking, Superman.”

Almost Home

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner outside his favorite bar, hanging on to a lamp post. After a while, a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?”

 

The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

[* Good Retort *]

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says “Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I’ve got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money.”

 

She stands up and says, “What makes you think I charge by the inch.”

 

[_ Risque _]

[* The Happy Koala *]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he’s done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there is a prostitute in the back room who would give him a really great time. The koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets the prostitute, who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had.

 

After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, “How about my money,” the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said…PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

 

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

 

[_ Risque _]

[*Getting Older ]

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”

 

“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”

 

“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Don’t Make Me Do It Again

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

 

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

 

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

 

Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.” The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

 

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”

 

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

 

“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

[*Strange Trio ]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

 

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

 

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?”

 

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

 

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

 

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

 

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

 

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Giraffe in the Bar

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

 

The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’ to which the man replies, ‘Its not a lion its a giraffe!

Talented Hamster

A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

 

The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

 

The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

 

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

 

The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”

 

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender.

 

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

 

The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

 

The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

 

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

[*Mutual Celebrations ]

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.”

 

“I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him.

 

“What are you celebrating?” he asked.

 

“For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynaecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

 

“Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass.

 

“As it happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they’re finally fertile.”

 

“How did it happen?”

 

“I switched cocks.”

 

“What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Five Shots *]

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.

 

“I want five shots of rye whiskey,” responded the young man.

 

“five shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”

 

“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.

 

“Well, in that case, let me give you a sixth on the house.”

 

“No offense, sir. But if five shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Reporting a Robbery

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

 

Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

 

The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, “Somebody has broken into my car.

 

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.”

 

The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, “I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.”

[* Smooth Move *]

A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off… The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the barteneder finnaly went over to the man and said “I’m sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen.”

 

The man replied by saying I dont think so. I can get any lady that I want. The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldnt get the woman to even talk to him.

 

The ugly man agrees and says “I’ll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her. The bartender accepted. The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

 

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, “damn that sucks but what happened?”

 

The boyfriend replied with “I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows.”

 

[_ Risque _]

Lawyers Served Here

A Redneck walked into a bar in Georgia, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

 

“Yes we do,” said the bartender.

 

“Good,” replied the redneck. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

[*Literally Speaking ]

Three blonde guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them and how they can avoid the constant nagging. They decide that when they get home, they’ll do everything that the women ask.

 

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

 

The first blonde guy says “Man, I don’t think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said ‘why don’t you burn the whole house down?’ That place is still smoldering.”

 

The second blonde guy said “That ain’t nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said ‘why don’t you tear the whole car apart?’ It took me all night.”

 

The third blonde guy said “You guys don’t have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said ‘Cut that out!’” He held out his hands. “Ever seen one of these real close?”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[*Going Out for a Beer ]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back…”

 

“Where are you going coochy cooh…?”, asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

 

The wife says to him, “You want a beer my love?” Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

 

The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, “Yes, loolie loolie… but the bar…. you know… the frozen glass…”. He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, “You want a frozen glass puppy face”? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

 

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

 

“You want hors d’oeuvres poochi pooh?” She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

 

“But sweet honey…at the bar…you know…the swearing, the dirty words and all that…”

 

The wife looks at him and said: “You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE FUCK DOWNDRINK YOUR FUCKINBEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKINMUGEAT YOUR FUCKINSNACKSYOU AREN’T GOING TO THE FUCKINBAR !!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Becoming a Better Person

Phil and Bob were having a drink together at their favorite bar after work one day when Bob dropped a bomshell on his friend. “Phil” he said, “Sally and I are going to get a divorce”.

 

Phil was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together”

 

“Well” Bob said, “ever since we got married, Sally has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and eating junk food. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”

 

“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.” Phil probed.

 

“Nah, I’m not bitter. I just figure that now that I’m such a much better person, I should be able to get a much better wife.”

Sobriety Test

A man leaves a bar after a long night of drinking, gets into his car and drives away. Within a few hundred yards he’s stopped by a police officer.

 

Officer: “Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?”.

 

Man: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air”.

 

Officer: “Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.”

 

Man: “I can’t do that. I’m a hemophiliac and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death”.

 

Officer: “Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line”.

 

Man: “I cant do that.”

 

Officer: “Why not?”

 

Man: “Because I paraplegic, didn’t you see the handicapped sticker on my windshield?”

 

Officer: “Then touch the tip of your nose with your right index finger.”

 

Man: “I can’t do that either

 

Officer: “Why not?”

 

Man: “Because I’m dead drunk!”

The Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?’ A deathly silence transcends the bar.

 

In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6’ tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

 

The blind man pauses to think, and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

The Angry Boyfriend

A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I’m so pissed off I can’t even see straight!” The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.

 

The man swilled down the drink and demanded, “Gimme another ONE!” The bartender pours the drink, but said, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you’re so upset?”

 

So the man begins his tale: “Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can’t make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door.”

 

“Well, the woman says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he’s gonna be REAL MAD! He won’t believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!’”

 

“So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN’T see me.”

 

The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point.”

 

“Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Tell me, who you been seeing now?’”

 

“The girl said, ‘Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.’ Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either.”

 

“Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the WINDOW?’ I think ‘Oh boy, I’m dead meat now’. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking.”

 

“Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!”

 

The bartender said, “Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE.” “No,” the customer replied, “that didn’t really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass.”

 

The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and agreed, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET.”

 

“No, that WASN’T what really pissed me off.” The bartender then asked in exasperation, “Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?”

 

“Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!!!”

Knowing When It’s Right

A young private is sitting in a bar next to an old sergeant. The private says to the sergeant, “You’re married arn’t you sarge?’

 

“Yep,” says the sergeant, “been married for sixteen years now. Why do you ask?”

 

“Well,” says the private, “I’ve been dating for a few years and I just wondered how you know when you’ve met the right girl to marry?”

 

“Oh you’ll know,” says the sergeant. “When I first met my wife, I knew that she was ‘Ms. Right’.”

 

Then the sergeant took a drink of his beer and smiled as he continued “But at that time I didn’t know that her first name was ‘Always’.”

The Armless Man

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

 

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

 

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

 

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

 

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

 

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?”

 

The bartender quickly replies – “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

 

Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

 

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

 

The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

 

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”

 

“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

 

“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

 

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

 

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says – “I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”

 

Twelve Year Old Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of twelve year old scotch.

 

The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of two year old scotch.

 

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said twelve year old scotch, you bozo!”

 

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some six year old scotch. The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

 

But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of ten year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

 

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of twelve year old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

 

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

 

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: “Shay mishter, tashte this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

 

“That tastes like pee!,” he shoots back at the drunk.

 

The drunk replies: “It ish. Now how old am I?”

 

*Drinks for the House *

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

 

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

 

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

 

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

 

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

 

The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

 

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.”

 

In disgust the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?’

 

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

 

[* Totally Trashed *** *]

Three guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

 

The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!”

 

The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!”

 

The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.”

 

The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.”

 

[_ *** May not be suitable for mixed company _]

[* Toes Going Wild *]

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

 

Well it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo’s toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

 

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, “I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.”

 

Flo looked at him and smiled. “That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!”

 

[_ Risque _]

Mistaken Identity

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

 

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she screamed.

 

That’s funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her too!”

[*The Ballerina ]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

 

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

 

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

 

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

 

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?”

 

The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

 

What is It?

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

 

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

 

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

 

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

 

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

 

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

[*Insulting Customer ]

A large, mean looking biker pulls up in front of a bar and revs the loud pipes on his Harley a couple of times before he turns off the engine and walks into the bar. He gives everyone in the bar a dirty look and then orders a beer. After he chugs down the beer he says, “All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

 

Everyone is understandably silent.

 

He, then, chugs back another beer and says, “All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?”

 

Everyone is silent, again.

 

Then a small well dressed guy gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

 

“You got a problem, buddy?”

 

“No,” says the little guy with a twinkle in his eye,” I just realized that I was on the wrong side of the bar!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

When Does the Bar Open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

 

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

 

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

 

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

 

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

 

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

 

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

 

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

A Drink Named After You

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Hey! You’re a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!”.

 

The grasshopper says “Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!”.

Working Too Hard

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin?”

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”.

 

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

 

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”

 

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

 

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”!

[* Blonde Orgasms *]

A blonde and a brunette were sitting in a bar, having a few drinks and discussing their sex lives.

 

Brunette: “Last night I had three orgasms in a row !!”

 

Blonde: “That’s nothing; last night I had twenty.”

 

Brunette: “My god ! I have never found a guy who could do it twenty times in one night.”

 

Blonde: “Oh, you meant with one guy. . . “

 

[_ Risque _]

[*The Selfish Scottish Farmer ]

An Irishman and a Scotsman were having a drink in a London pub. The first Irishman says “What is the difference between a selfish angel and a selfish Scottish Farmer?”

 

“I don’t know,” says the Scotsman.

 

“The angel says ‘Hey you, get off my cloud’” says the Irishman.

 

“And what does the Scotitsh farmer say?” Says the Scotsman.

 

“The Scotish farmer says ‘Hey McCloud, get off my ewe’” quips the Irishman.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

The Chinese Bartender

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

 

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, “What you dlink?”

 

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

 

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time were twee little pigs…and a big bad dragon”

 

Redneck Pickup Routine

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who’s had too much to drink.

 

He says to her, “Hey, baby…whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!

 

Lost in her drink, she replies – “Sure, why not!”

 

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, “Ok, show me what you do best!”.

 

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, – grabs her TV, VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

 

Robot Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ and what would you like to drink?”

 

The man replied, “130, and I’d like a glass of merlot.” So the robot proceeded to pour the man a glass of wine and make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, “This is an exceptionally good feature.”

 

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ and what would you like to drink?”

 

The man responded, “100 and I’d like a rum and coke.” So the robot mixes his drink and started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is really cool.”

 

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ and what would you like to drink?”

 

The man replied, “60 and I’d like a beer.”

 

The robot then said, “So, how are things in Arkansas these days?”

 

[*A Sad Scottish Story ]

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

 

Old Man speaks; “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!”

 

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

 

“Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!”

 

Then the old man points out the window.

 

“Eh, Laddy, look out to sea… Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!”

 

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: “But ya fuck one goat……”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Big Body and Small Head *]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?”

 

The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times.

 

“One day,” he begins, “I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.”

 

So I picked up the frog and it said, “Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.”

 

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

 

She said, “You now have 3 wishes.”

 

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.”

 

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

 

She then asked, “What will be your second wish?”

 

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. “We then made love for hours!”

 

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”

 

I looked at her and replied, “How about a little head?”

 

[_ Risque _]

The Unbearable Truth

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

 

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

 

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

 

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

 

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

 

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”

 

The Exterminator

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

 

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

 

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

 

“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.”

 

“Okay.” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”

 

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

 

“Who the hell are you?!” the man asks.

 

“I’m from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

 

The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”

 

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says… “Those little bastards!”

 

The Golden Urinal

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

 

“No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!”

 

She said she didn’t believe him, so she called the bar.

 

“Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?”

 

To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, – I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!”

[* Quick Service *]

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, “HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?! “

 

.. and one of the guys says, “the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE

 

[_ Risque _]

Grateful Engineer

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

 

“Hey bartender” said the Engineer, “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.”

 

The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.”

 

“Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.”

 

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?” the Engineer responded: “Oh…that’s where we put the jack.”

The Best Toast

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

 

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

 

She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”

 

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.”

 

“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.”

 

She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he’s only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[* Big Game Hunter *]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

 

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.

 

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

 

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?”

 

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

 

[_ Risque _]

The Ghost Car

This hobo was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night , just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

 

Wanting a ride real bad the hobo jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the hobo was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The hobo saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver’s window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

 

Paralyzed with fear, the hobo watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

 

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the hobo was telling the truth and had been stone sober at the time.

 

About half an hour later two rain soaked cajuns walked into the bar and one says to the other, “Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain.”

Empty Pay Envelope

Wife: Okay, today’s Friday. Where’s your pay envelope?

 

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

 

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

 

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Drinking is a Sin

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

 

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

 

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know Sister?”

 

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

 

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”

 

“Then let me buy you a drink, – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.”

 

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

 

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.”

 

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

 

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks,” then he lowers his voice and says to the barman, “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

 

“Oh no! It’s not that bloody Nun again is it?”

Mad Martin is Coming

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: “If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can.”

 

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

 

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, “Martin’s coming! Head for the hills!” The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

 

He didn’t wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, “Wait here til I get back!” The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, “You pussycats stay here til I’m done!” The cats fearfully sat down.

 

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, “What the hell do you think you’re looking at!?”

 

Fred managed to say, “N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?”

 

To which the fellow replied, “Hell no! I don’t have time! I gotta get out of here—Mad Martin’s coming!”

Rude Leprechaun

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun.

 

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy’s shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, “ppphhhbbbttttttt” right to the big guy’s face.

 

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy’s shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners.

 

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, “ppphhhbbbbttt” to the construction workers face.

 

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy’s shoulder. The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to do anything again.

 

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes, “pppphhhhbbbttttt!” to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy’s manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

 

The construction worker tells this fella, “If your little friend does that again, I’m gonna cut off his little dick!” The fellow tells the big guy “Well Leprechauns don’t have dicks.” The big guy asks, “Well how does he go pee?” The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, “ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt.”

Cowboy in Black

The bartender in an old west saloon is standing behind the bar cleaning a glass when all of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters. The cowboy has a black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns…

 

Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the bartender, and asks:

 

“Do you have a bucket?”

 

The bartender runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders:

 

“Now, bring me three bottles of whiskey.”

 

Seconds later:

 

“Pour them into the bucket.”

 

And, then:

 

“Take it to my horse outside.”

 

The frightened and surprised, the bartender does what the cowboy tells him to do.

 

He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. The horse drinks all the whiskey at once. Then the bartender returns back inside the bar.

 

The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: “What do I owe for this?”

 

The bartender, while calculating the price, asks: “Aren’t you going to have anything to drink?”

 

“No,” says the cowboy, “I don’t drink and drive.”

[* Moosehead Beer *]

A redneck walks into a bar in Minnesota and orders a beer.

 

“I Can tell from your accent, you’re not from around here,” says the bartender as he gives the redneck his beer.

 

“Nope,” says the redneck, “I’m from the hills of Arkansas. By the way I’m a little curious about that sign over the bar that says ‘Moosehead’”.

 

“Oh,” says the bartender, “That’s a brand of beer. You probably don’t have that down south.”

 

“Nope,” says the redneck, “back home moosehead isn’t a beer it’s a misdemeanor .”

 

[_ Risque _]

Perestroika

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer.

 

“That will be one ruble,” says the bartender.

 

“One ruble!” the customer protests, “last week it was only fifty kopeks!”

 

“Well,” replies the bartender, “it’s fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopeks for the perestroika.”

 

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopeks and says, “We are out of beer.”

[* Lay Them on the Bar *]

Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest.

 

The bartender suggested, “Put them on the bar so we can compare.”

 

So the five drunks all kneel on their bar stools and lay their cocks on the bar.

 

About that time, a little gay drunk staggered in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, “I think I’ll have the buffet.”

 

[_ Risque _]

The Bar Elephant

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don’‘t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: “Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.”

 

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, “I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000.” “Yeah, he’‘s out back”

 

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

 

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: “Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000.” Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.

 

In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

 

“Easy.” said the man, “When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it.”

 

I Want Her Back Again

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

 

“I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.”

 

“That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back right?”

 

“Right!” said the drunk, still crying.

 

“You’re sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?”

 

“Oh, No,” said the drunk. I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

 

“If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?”

 

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

 

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

 

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

 

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow.

 

“My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

 

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

Can’t Find My Car

A drunk was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

 

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

 

“What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk.

 

“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” he replies.

 

“So how does feeling the roof help you?” asks the puzzled manager.

 

“Well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof.”

Deaf Men in the Bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

 

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

 

The man thought that was great.

 

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

 

The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

 

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

[* Sense of Smell *** *]

A drunk goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, “Can I smell your Pussy?”

 

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, “Of course not!”

 

The drunk man replies…….“Oh, then it must be your feet.”

 

[_ *** May not be suitable for mixed company _]

Not Me Boss

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!”

 

“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.

 

The boss replied, “Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!”

Great Prices

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

 

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

 

The barman replied, “Yes.”

 

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

 

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

 

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

 

“Four cents,” he replies.

 

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.

 

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

 

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

 

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

 

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Drunk and Ugly

A drunk staggers out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

 

She takes one look at him.

 

“You, sir, are drunk!”

 

“And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!”

[*Mouse Tattoo ]

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

 

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

 

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, “Well, I have a tattoo, too!”

 

The men all look surprised.

 

The woman continues, “I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?”

 

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

 

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

 

One of the men asks, “What’s wrong, sweet lady?”

 

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, “Oh, nothing, I can’t show you my little mouse tattoo after all.

 

My pussy must have eaten it.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Too Much Tequila *]

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, “Bartender get me a tequila!” The bartender gets him a tequila.

 

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

 

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.

 

He points at one of them and says “You! I have slept with your mother!” The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

 

Then the old man yells “Bartender! Get me another tequila!”

 

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

 

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

 

“You! Your mother gives me a blow job!”

 

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

 

Then the old man yells “Bartender! Get me another tequila!”

 

This time the bartender says “No, old man, you have had enough.”

 

“Just one more!!” yells the old man.

 

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

 

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

 

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

 

“You! I eat out your mother!” The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.

 

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

 

Then they say “Come on dad, you have had too much to drink…”

 

 

[_ Risque _]

[*Duct Tape ]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

 

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

 

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.

 

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

 

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”

 

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

 

“Sensible” says Jeff.

 

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

 

“And what happened then?”

 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

 

“I kicked her in the face.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Don’t Like Bohemians

A biker thinking he’s a tough guy goes into a saloon and siting at the bar in a loud voice makes the following announcement: “Show me a Bohemian and I’ll show you a son of a bitch.”

 

A very large man walks up to him, looks him in the eye and says, “I’m a Bohemian.”

 

The biker looks the guy over and says, “Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch.”

 

[*Watch Your Language ]

A biker from Texas had gone on a ride to visit some friends in Boston. He was supposed to meet his friends at an up-scale bar where some local college kids also happened to hang out. When he pulled in, he had been on the road for a while and needed to use the restroom.

 

He noticed his friends had not arrived yet, so he asked one of the customers, “Hey buddy, where is the bathroom at?”

 

The customer sneered and said, “Here at Harvard, we don’t end our sentences in prepositions.”

 

The biker looked at the guy in the sweater vest and said, “Okay. Let me rephrase. Where is the bathroom at, ass hole?”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Scotch and Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.”

 

The bartender says “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

 

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

 

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

 

“Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

 

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

 

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

 

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

[*John Fluff ]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small parish in Ireland.

 

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

 

“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

 

“Sure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub landlord looked over and said, “Oi mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fluff!”

 

The landlord nodded and said, “Oh well, if you’re that far in, you might as well finish.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Drunk and Disorderly

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog.

 

The man stops her and asks, “Hey where’d ya get the pig?”

 

The woman replies, “Listen you drunken bastard, that’s a dog not a pig.”

 

The man then said, “Take it easy, I was talking to the dog”

[*Thinking of You ]

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

 

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 

“You miss me that much?” she asks.

 

“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cuming too fast.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Almost Inseparable

Two guys are sitting at the bar having a beer. The first guy strikes up a conversation with the second guy by saying:“I really enjoy coming down to the bar and getting away from my wife, after twenty-eight years of marriage she is starting to drive me nuts.”

 

“That’s funny,” says the second guy, “My wife and I have been married for over thirty years and we’re almost inseparable.”

 

“I find that hard to believe,” says the first guy.

 

“Well if you don’t believe me,” says the second guy, “you can check out my story at the court house.”

 

“At the court house?” Asks the first guy.

 

Yep,” says the second guy with a smile, “why just last week it took four state troopers and a dog to tear us apart!”

Call Me an Ambulance

A drunk stumbles out of a bar, and starts to stagger home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

 

The guy limps up to the drunk and says “Call me an ambulance!”

 

The drunk looks at him for a second, smiles and says, “You’re an ambulance!”

[*The Ship’s Wheel ]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and his dick sticking out of his pants with a ship’s wheel around it.

 

The bartender says, “hey, you’‘ve got a ship’s wheel on your dick.”

 

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’‘s driving me nuts.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

[* Three Vampires *** *]

There are these three vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and, with a Transylavanian accent, says, “Bartender, give me a shot of blood.” The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

 

The second vampire walks into the bar and, with a Transylavanian accent, says, “Bartender, give me a shot of blood.” The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

 

The third vampire walks into a bar and, with a British accent, says, “Bartender, give me a cup of hot water.”

 

The bartender says, “Why do you want a cup of hot water?”

 

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, “Tea time.”

 

[_ *** May not be suitable for mixed company _]

Great Stein Collection

A drunken blonde man walks into a pub. Curious about the bartender’‘s collection of steins on the mantel, he climbs up on a chair to have a look. He knocks over the old wooden one and it falls to the floor. When the man looks down, he sees a leprechaun.

 

The leprechaun says, “You have freed me. Now I will grant you three wishes. What’‘ll they be?”

 

The guy says, “How about a botomless mug of Schnapps.

 

Then it apears on the table in front of him. The man gulps and gulps untill he is sure that the mug would not run dry.

 

Then the leprechaun says, “OK, you got two more wishes. What’‘ll they be?”

 

The blonde man says “I like this one, how about two more just like it?”

Tough Sobriety Test

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. “What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.” The young man handed over his license.

 

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, “Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?”

 

The young man replied, “Well sir, I’m a juggler.”

 

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, “A juggler; well you don’t say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!”

 

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, “You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you.” The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

 

Two miles down the road at Joe’s Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe’s Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

 

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, “Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don’t go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!”

[*Bruised and Bleeding ]

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?”.

 

The guy says, “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.”

 

“Yeah?” asks the bartender. “What did she do?”

 

“She hit me with her bag of quarters!”.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Great Sex Certificate

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”

 

His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

 

Adam decided to to his friend’s advice.The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

 

“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.

 

“Did she like it?”

 

“Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”

Bad for My Legs

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself :

 

Man: “May I buy you a cocktail?”

 

Lady: “No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.”

 

Man: “Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

 

Lady: “No, they open!”

Great Anniversary Present

Lars was having a beer in a small town tavern in rural Minnesota. “Would you like another beer?” Says the bartender.

 

“No thank you,” says Lars, “I’m a little short on cash this month.”

 

“Get laid off work at the tractor factory?” Says the barkeep.

 

“No,” says Lars, “Last month was Helga and my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and it took every dime I could get my hands on to send her on a trip to Norway to visit her family.”

 

“That’s quite a nice present,” says the bartender, “what are you going to do on your fiftieth anniversary to top that?”

 

“Well,” says Lars, as he pays for his beer, “If I can save up enough money by then, I would like to bring her back.”

A Very Scary Ride

Mike and Butch are having a beer at their favorite biker bar.

 

“I see you drove your truck tonight”, says Mike, “is your Harley in the shop again?”

 

“Nope,” says Butch, “I’m giving the bike a rest. You see I had a very scary ride last night and I’m building up my courage before I can get back on the bike.”

 

“Sounds serious,” says Mike, “what happened?”

 

“Well,” says Butch, “I had a little too much to drink last night and I blacked out for a minute. When I came to I was riding on my motorcycle. On my left was a red sports car and on my right was a fire engine; both were traveling at the same speed as I was. In front of me was a police car I could not overtake. A helicopter, flying at ground level, was maintaining a constant distance behind me. I knew I had to do something, but I couldn’t figure out what to do to extricate myrself from this dangerous situation.To make maters worse, the young kid driving the sports car had his top down and his stereo blasting at full volume. The same song over and over again. With my splitting headache and all other the stress, I thought I was a goner.”

“Well,” says Mike, “you obviously got out of it alright. What happened?”

 

“After what seemed like an eternity,” says Butch, “The kid in the sports car turned off his stereo, we all slowed down and then stopped. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and the guy who was running the merry-go-round said ‘you have to get off now, the ride is over.’”

Those Lucky Lions

Two guys are chatting in a bar.

 

One says “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

 

“Damn,” says his friend, “ and I just joined the Elks!”

Drown Your Sorrows

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, “you trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?”

 

“You could say that,” the guy replied.

 

“It usually doesn’t work, you know.”

 

“No shit,” the man moaned. “I can’t get my wife anywhere near the water!”

Three Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

 

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

 

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

 

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

 

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Shall We Dance?

Two old hobos, Fred and Wally, found a wallet in the alley with almost a hundred dollars in it. So they go to the local bar and start drinking up their new found wealth. After a couple of hours of drinking the are pretty drunk and almost broke again. Suddenly Fred notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner of the bar.

 

Fred says to Wally, “jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

 

Wally replies, “well go ahead and ask her, don’t be such a chicken.”

 

So Fred approaches the lovely woman and says, “excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

 

Seeing that the old hobo is totally drunk, and probably broke as well, the woman says, “I’m sorry. right now I’m contemplating on matrimony, and I’d rather sit than dance.”

 

So Fred humbly returns to his friend Wally.

 

“So what did she say?” asks Wally.

 

Fred responds, “she said she’s constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants.”

Demanding Standards

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, “How come you aren’t married?”

 

Johnny: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”

 

George: “So what are you looking for?”

 

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have."

 

George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU.”

 

Johnny: “Oh, its okay if she is crazy.”

Too Drunk to Serve

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

 

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

 

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

 

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, “Buddy, I think your girl friend has gone home.”

A Chilling Bar Tab

It’s forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, “You owe me quite a bit on your tab.”

 

“Sorry,” says Pat, “I’m flat broke this week.”

 

“That’s okay,” says the bartender. “I’ll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.”

 

“But,” says Pat, “I don’t want any of my friends to see that.”

 

“They won’t,” says the bartender. “I’ll just hang your parka over it until it’s paid.”

Thanks for the Offer

A guy went to a bar and ordered a drink. He looked around the place and noticed a guy at a corner table with long hair and a beard, dressed in a robe and sandals.

 

When the bartender brought the drink he asked, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”

 

The bartender said, “As a matter of fact that is Jesus Christ. He comes in here some afternoons, drinks a glass of wine and leaves.”

 

The guy says, “Well I’d like to buy him a drink.”

 

The bar tender said, “Like I said, He just drinks one, but I’ll tell him you offered.”

 

The bartender went over and told Jesus of the offer but He declined.

 

About that time another stranger walked in and sat next to the first guy. He saw Jesus and said something to the first guy about it. The first guy told him the story and how he’d offered a drink but He only drinks one.

 

About that time Jesus was ready to leave. He walked up to the first guy, extended His hand and said, “Hi, I’m Jesus and I want to thank you for offering me a drink. I hope you understand why I declined.”

 

The guy shook His hand and said, “I’m Ralph and…. wow I can’t believe this. I’ve been suffering from arthritis in this hand for months and now its pain free. Thank you, thank you very much.”

 

Jesus said, “You’re welcome, no problem.”

 

He then extended His hand to the second guy but he backed away and said, “Hey, it’s nice to meet you but please don’t touch me. I’m on Workman’s Comp, OK?”

[* Crazy New Drink *]

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she’ll be happy to pick up the round as she’s heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

 

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey’s. The other full of lime juice.

 

She says, “Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey’s, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice.”

 

He looks a little dubious but does as he’s told because she’s really cute when she’s enthusiastic.

 

First he drinks the Bailey’s. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.

 

Then he drinks the lime juice.

 

After about a second, the cream in the Bailey’s curdles in his mouth.

 

Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

 

Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

 

As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, “It’s called ‘Blowjob Revenge’.”

 

[_ Risque _]

What a Relief

After having had several drinks in a bar, a hobo staggers out and starts walking down the street with one foot in the gutter And the other on the curb.

 

A policeman comes up to the hobo and says, “Hey there buddy you’re too drunk to be out on the street, so I’m going to throw you into the slammer for the night.”

 

Whereupon the hobo says, “That’s a relief Officer, for a while there I thought I was homeless and crippled too.”

You Misunderstood Me

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”

 

The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”

 

The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

No Bed of Roses

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

 

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

 

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.

 

“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

 

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

[* The Starter Pistol *]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, “How’s your sex life, buddy?”

 

The other guy answers, “Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It’s very frustrating. “

 

The first guy says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn’t get enough. I wish I’d done it years ago!”

 

The other guy says, “Hamm… I think I’ll try that.”

 

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, “How did you get on with the starter pistol?”

 

The other guy says, “Don’t talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.”

 

The first guy says, “ So, what happened?”

 

The other guy says, “She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! “

 

[_ Risque _]

[*Redneck in Vegas ]

After a redneck had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, “Miss, would y’all give me a piece of ass?”

 

She looked him over, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? It’s pretty slow here right now, so let’s go!”

 

When the pair returned half an hour later, the redneck sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else?”

 

“Yes,” replied the redneck. “Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon ‘n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

 

 

Strongest Guy in the Bar

A motorcycle cop parks his bike next to a long line of choppers and walks into a rough looking biker bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest guy in here?”

 

A rough looking biker with muscles and hair popping out of his leather vest looks at him and says “I am the strongest guy around here, what’s it to you?”

 

The cop smiles and says: “Would you help me push my motorcycle to the gas station?”

Make it a Scotch

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars”, to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

 

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” At this the lawyer gives the customer a business card and says:” If this situation comes up again, give me a call, I would be glad to represent you in court.”

 

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

 

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

 

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

 

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

End an Argument

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

 

“Well,” said the other woman,” that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

My Little Buddy

Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.”

 

The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”

 

Rodney says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” With that he pulls out a little three inch man from his pocket.

 

The bartender says, “Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?” “Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some”, the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots.

 

Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. “That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “What else can he do? Can he walk?”

 

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Al go fetch that quarter”. The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.

 

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. “That’s amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”

 

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, “Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!”

Three Little Pigs

The first little pig went to a bar ordered a beer and a roast beef sandwitch. He ate the sandwitch, gulped down the beer, went to the restroom and found an out of order sign on the door. “Just use the ladies’ room,” said the bartender,“the men’s room is down for repairs.”

 

The second little pig went to the same bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said “We have roast beef sandwitchs on special today, do you want one?”

 

“No thank you,” said the second little pig, “ I’m not very hungry.” He drank his beer, went to the restroom and he too had to be instructed to use the ladies room.

 

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a beer, gulped it down, paid his tab and started to leave.

 

As the bartender was ringing up the sale, he said “Are you planning to use the restroom before you go?”

 

“No.” said the third little pig,“I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

Watch What You Say

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

 

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, “Now listen buddy, if you don’t stop calling me that I’ll smash your face in!”

Horny Old Drunks

Two old drunks were sitting at a rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. The first drunk looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. He smiles and says “I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. “

 

“Hell,“the second drunk says, “I just wish it were dark.”

Worried Womanizer

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

 

“I’m scared out of my mind,” the stud replied. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop doing his wife.”

 

“So stop!” the barkeep said.

 

“I can’t,” the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. “The jerk didn’t sign his name!”

Serving Mushrooms

A mushroom walks into a bar one evening, sits down, and orders a drink.

 

The bartender then informs him that they do not serve mushrooms.

 

“Why not?” asks the mushroom, “I’m a fungi!”

Atomic Discount

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer,” he says.

 

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

 

“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.

 

“For you,” replies the bartender, “no charge.”

Grammar Lesson

A college professor walked into a bar and said, “Bring me a martinis.”

 

The bartender smiled and said, “You mean martini?”

 

“If I want more than one”, snapped the professor, “I’ll order them”

Hi Ho Silver

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town one dusty, dry day and proceed to the first saloon, where they tie up their trusty steeds and head in for a snort.

 

After a while a stranger walks into the bar and asks, ‘who owns the white horse tied up outside?’

 

The Lone Ranger said, ‘Why, that would be mine. Why do you ask?’

 

‘Because it’s collapsed and looks like it’s dying,’ says the stranger.

 

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto head out to check on Silver.

 

‘He’s probably just suffering from the heat,’ says the Lone Ranger, who asks Tonto if he could run around Silver for a while to help keep him cool.

 

The Lone Ranger returns to the bar and after half an hour another stranger walks in and asks, ‘who owns the white horse outside?’

 

The Lone Ranger says, ‘That’s mine, what’s the problem this time?’

 

‘Oh, no problem,’ says the stranger, ‘it’s just that you’ve left your injun running.’

[* Need Some Variety *]

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.

 

“Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”

 

“Well,” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety.”

 

Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”

 

Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

 

[_ Risque _]

Loonies Night Out

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.

 

As he moans to some of the regulars, a stranger in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I’m a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I’m trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don’t I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You’ll have some customers and my patients will have a night out.”

 

Well, the publican isn’t sure, but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

 

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

 

He says to the publican, “They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I’ll settle up at closing time.”

 

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

 

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he’s charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people give him a discount.

 

“Let’s call It $150,” he says.

 

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, “That’s fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?”

[*Walking Billboard ]

Dennis Rodman picks up a woman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

 

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one, which reads, “Reebok”.

 

She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

 

Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement”.

 

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.

 

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

 

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.

 

She jumps back with shock.

 

“I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

 

He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Sit Yourself Down

Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west, a woman walked into a saloon. Suddenly she realized that she was not in the general store so she started to turn around and leave. As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, “Come on over, Ma’am, sit yourself down right here next to me and have yourself a drink.

 

“Thank you kindly Sir, but I’m afraid that I couldn’t,” replied the woman, “on account that I need to get bread”.

 

The cowboy replied, “Uh, Ma’am, I do reckon you came to the right place for that!”

Absent Minded Bartender

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

 

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

 

“Okay,” says the bartender”,if you said you paid, you did”.

 

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it”.

 

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

 

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Dental Technique

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

 

So the girl looks at him and says, ‘You must be a dentist’.

 

The guy all surprised says, ‘Yes, how did you figure that out’?

 

The girl says, ‘Easy, you keep washing your hands’.

 

One thing led to another. They make love. After they were done, the girl says, ‘You must be a GREAT dentist’.

 

The guy was very surprised, he says, ‘Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??’

 

The girl says, ‘Easy, I didn’t feel a thing!’

[*Get in Your Pants ]

A drunk staggers into a lounge and notices this attractive lady sitting by herself. The drunk walks over, sits down beside her, and says: “You know baby, I would sure like to get into your pants.”

 

Unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the drunk and says: “I already have an asshole in my pants, why would I want another one?”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

A Dribble Martooni

A very drunk woman stumbles into a bar and says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it.”

 

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

 

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it.”

 

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

 

She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martooni, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn.”

 

The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martooni, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an olive and you haven’t got heartburn, you have your left tit in the ashtray!”

Drink for the Talking Dog

A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I’m a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?”

 

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Alright. The toilets right around the corner.”

Deer Nuts

A drunk goes up to the bar in a hunting lodge in northern Michigan. “I’ll have a Budwiser and a sack of deer nuts,“slurs the drunk.

 

“You mean beer nuts,” says the bartender.

 

“Ya right,” chuckels the drunk, “must have been thinking about deer, because of all the trophies hung on the wall over the bar.”

 

“By the way,” quips the bartender, “do you know how to tell the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?”

 

“How?” says the drunk.

 

“Well,” says the bartender, “beer nuts are a dollar-and-a-half and deer nuts are under a buck.”

[*Furniture Salesmen ]

Two furniture salesmen are sitting at the bar commiserating. One says, “Man! If I don’t move some furniture this month, I’m going to lose my ass.”

 

The second salesman says, “Watch your mouth! There’s a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, ma’am.”

 

The woman looks at him and says, “That’s OK. I’m a hooker. If I don’t move some ass this month, I’m going to lose my furniture!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Exact Change Please

A man walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, I’d like a pint of beer.”

 

The bartender serves the drink and says, “That’ll be four dollars.”

 

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

 

“ Sorry, sir,” the bartender says, “but I can’t accept that.”

 

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. “What’s going on here?” the man asks.

 

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, “This is a Singles Bar.”

Lord of the Flies

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, ‘‘If you can sit in my basement for a day I’ll give you free beer forever.’‘

 

So the first man says, ‘‘Easy. I can do that.’‘

 

But he walks out after five minutes and says, ‘‘It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.’‘

 

So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it.

 

He said, ‘‘Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!’‘

Bloody Good Drinks

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,” I’d like a pint of blood.”

 

The second vampire says,” I’d like a pint of blood, too.”

 

Then the third vampire says,” I’d like a pint a plasma.”

 

Then the bartender says,“OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?”

  • String in the Bar*

A string walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer.

 

The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.”

 

The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”

 

The waiter says,“Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier.”

 

The knot replies, “No, I’m a fraud knot.”

[*Two Forks and a Straw ]

Three bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious.

 

“How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?”

 

“Well,” the bum said, “the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone.”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

 

The Englishman says, ‘‘I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.’‘

 

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

 

‘’ Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,’‘ he laments, ‘‘and she doesn’t even know how to drive!’‘

 

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

 

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ‘‘Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,’‘ he chuckles. ‘‘My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a penis!’‘

Ten Year Bender

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

 

“Elliot,” she said, pointing, “Do you see that man downing bourbon after bourbon at the bar?” The husband looked over and nodded.

 

“Well”, the woman continued,“he’s been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him.”

 

The husband returned to his meal. “Unbelievable,” he said, “even getting rid of you dosen’t call for that much celebrating.”

Give Me a Budweiser

A big hulking biker walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!”

 

Scared, the bartender serves the biker his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the biker returns.

 

“Give me a Budweiser, or…!”

 

“O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?” stammers the bartender.

 

“A Coors, or whatever is on tap.”

Thoughtful Hubby

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ‘‘I’m going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.’‘

 

The woman replied, ‘‘Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?’‘

 

The man replied, ‘‘No, I’m turning the heat off.’‘

Restricted Topics

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.He turns to bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress …”

 

STOP pal – I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

 

A few minutes later the guy tried again, “People say about the Pope …”

 

“NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in.

 

One more try to break the boredom…” I thought the Yankees would…”

 

“NO sports talk…That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman said.

 

“Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?”

 

“Sure, that we can talk about”, replies the barkeep.

 

GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!”

 

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Forgot to Pay

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.

 

The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.

 

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”

[*Terry’s Joke Collection *]

 

Volume I – Animal to Bar Jokes

Chapter 1 – Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 – Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 – Bar & Pub Jokes

 

Volume II – Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes

Chapter 1 – Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 – Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 – Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 – Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 – Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 – Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 – College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 – Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 – Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 – Domestic Staff Jokes.

 

Volume III – Drugstore to Genie Jokes

Chapter 1 – Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 – Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 – Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 – Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 – Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 – Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 – Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 – Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 – Genie & Magic Jokes

 

Volume IV – Golfing to Kid Jokes

Chapter 1 – Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 – Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 – Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 – Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 – Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 – Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 – Kid & School Jokes

 

Volume V – Lawyer to Medical Jokes

Chapter 1 – Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 – Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 – Medical & Hospital Jokes

 

Volume VI – Military to Newlywed Jokes

Chapter 1 – Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 – Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 – Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 – Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 – Newlywed Jokes

 

Volume VII – Nurse to Redneck Jokes

Chapter 1 – Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 – Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 – Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 – Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 – Political Jokes

Chapter 6 – Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 – Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

 

Volume VIII – Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes

Chapter 1 – Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 – Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 – Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 – Senior Citizen Jokes

 

Volume IX – Sports to Train Jokes

Chapter 1 – Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 – Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 – Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 – Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 – Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes

 


Terry's Joke Collection Volume One - Animal to Bar Jokes

This is the first of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters in the entire collection, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic. In this volume, the chapters are: Animal Jokes, Aviation Jokes, and Bar & Pub Jokes. Although the number of chapters in each volume vary from three to ten, each volume contains about the same number of chapters. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of each book. Each Joke has a title in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. The jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Even if you are reading for your own pleasure, make sure to take note of the rating designation so that you are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than you would like.

  • ISBN: 9781370402380
  • Author: Terry Eade
  • Published: 2017-01-31 00:21:33
  • Words: 81339
Terry's Joke Collection Volume One - Animal to Bar Jokes Terry's Joke Collection Volume One - Animal to Bar Jokes