Surviving Grief - Working through the 5 Stages of Grief for Abuse Survivors

p.

A handy resource of validation,

encouragement, and hope for all who

have survived the trauma of abuse.

It’s my hope and sincere desire that

this short, easy to read book will

become a source of validation,

encouragement, and deep knowing

that you can Survive, Thrive, and

Conquer your Grief.

A resource from SurvivingMyPast.net

C O N T E N T S

03

experience grief in it’s own time

06

Denial

08

anger

11

bargaining

14

depression

17

acceptance

21

in closing

22

credits & acknowledgements

03

E X P E R I E N C E G R I E F

I N I T ‘ S O W N T I M E

Grief is something that we all face at some point in our lives.

Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, trusted family pet, loss

SR

of a job, past trauma and abuse, and host of other scenarios

OIV

that unfold during our lifetime.

VRU S

Generally speaking, I know that I have problems trying to

RO

connect with what I know I should be feeling or what I think

FF

I’m feeling. Be careful with that word “should”, it can be very

IER

self-shaming and invalidating.

GF OSE

It’s one thing to say to myself, “I have peace about this…” or

GA

“I know that things will work out somehow” (even if I don’t

T S

know how just yet), but to truly sit with and embrace that

5E

mindset can be quite difficult. I have a habit of trying to rush HT

through one feeling to get through the next.

It can be a challenge to try to convince myself that it’s

natural and normal to feel the way that I do. In trying to feel

those feels and be OK with it, I am also trying to force those

feelings to surface and then move on according to my

timetable rather than when they are ready too.

Each traumatic event that happens in our life causes us to

experience the 5 stages of grief.

04

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

We have to accept the fact that each stage is important and

comes with its own set of feelings, and that it’s necessary

to feel each one in its own time and its own way.

When we are able to sit with each of those steps, and be

content with how they make us feel, without trying to force

some type of internal response, our healing will go much

smoother.

It’s worth noting that once we do get to step 5, Acceptance,

SRO

it doesn’t mean that everything is peachy keen and all is

IVV

right with our world. It just means that we accept what has

RU

happened and are ready to start moving forward.

SRO F

We are leaving behind those circumstances that brought us

FIE

to the grieving process and forging ahead with the

R G

knowledge we acquired, and the confidence gained that we

F O

can indeed handle what life gives us.

SEGAT

By embracing the feelings of the traumatic events that

S 5

unfolded in our life, we can learn from it, and be better

EH

equipped to handle a similar circumstance in the future.

T

It’s important to keep in mind that just because we get to

step 5, doesn’t mean that we won’t have to relive those

feelings ever again. It’s not uncommon to go back and

experience those emotions again.

For that matter, also bear in mind that not everyone

experiences the Stages of Grief in the same way or in the

same order. We are all different, and that is why it’s so

paramount to sit with and explore our feelings in our own way

and time.

05

Being triggered can cause those memories to come back and

make us feel angry or sad again, and that’s OK. The good part

is, we won’t have to sit with it as long. Since we already went

through the stages of grieving in their own time, without

rushing, it doesn’t have to overtake our existence as much

as it did the first time.

As odd as that may sound, I can speak from experience and

tell you that it’s happened to me. When those emotions

come back, I will sit with them for a while but I can look back

on what I went through and use that as a new tool in my

Survivor Toolbox.

Healing is a slow process, so remember, don’t try and rush

SRO

through steps 1-4, just to get to step 5.

IVVRU SRO FFIER GF OSEGAT S 5EHT

06

D E N I A L – T H E R E ‘ S

N O W A Y T H I S

H A P P E N E D T O M E !

If you Google the word, Denial, you will get the following: the

action of declaring something to be untrue.

SROIV

Further research shows us, as explained on ChangingMinds*:

VR

Denial is simply refusing to acknowledge that an event

U S

occurred. Denial is a form of repression, where stressful

RO

thoughts are banned from memory. If I do not think about it,

FF

then I do not suffer the associated stress of dealing with it.

IER GF

So, what does this mean to me personally? How do I

OSE

experience Denial? How do you experience Denial?

GAT S

When I first started to deep dive into the abuse of my past;

5E

exploring the suppressed memories that had been kept

HT

hidden away in the box at the bottom of the closet in my

mind, the very first thing I said was…

“There’s no way!”

o There is no way in hell that I allowed a teenager to get me

alone in his house, time after time, and use me for his own

pleasure. Touching me, molesting me, and making me cry.

o What human being would experience that type of sadistic

trauma, and then find a way to not deal with it for so many

years…decades! Nope, didn’t happen!

07

o I could not have gone on with my life, had 3 kids, held down

a job, and just basically survived if things went down the way

these memories are telling me they did.

o It couldn’t have been as bad as all this, I must be over

dramatizing it, making it out to be way worse than it really

was.

o This must all just be a result of a scary movie I saw as a kid, or stories I heard about from other kids, and now I’m thinking

S

it happened to me too when it really didn’t?

ROIVV

I’ve said those things out loud in sessions and unknowingly I

RU

was already starting the healing process before I even knew I

SRO

had to heal in the first place.

FFIER

When we question all of this, and say things like “this abuse

GF

didn’t really happen, and that I must be over dramatizing it”,

OS

we are starting to dig through that box in the bottom of the

EG

closet and explore what’s inside.

AT S 5

I’m using my own terminology there because it’s how I relate

EHT

and literally what I said aloud.

It’s not an overnight process, and as always, I encourage you

to always seek the help of a professional when you are ready

to explore your past. You need to be in a safe place, with a

safe person, who understands trauma and your situation so

you can be best supported during this time of questioning.

I kept that box of memories buried under a pile of junk,

hidden away for so long that I couldn’t believe what was in

there. I was in total denial and disbelief at what my mind was

cluing me into. Our minds know when we are ready to start

healing, we just have to be open to what feelings will surface

and be willing to put in the time and effort required.

Allow yourself to sit with Denial, not shame yourself for your

feeling, and not rush through why you think what you

experienced simply didn’t happen.

You are amazing, you are awesome, and always know

that YOU matter, friend!

08

A N G E R – W H Y D I D

T H I S H A P P E N T O

M E ?

After we’ve sat with Denial for as long as we needed too, the

next phase typically is Anger.

SROIV

We go from, “there’s no way this happened to me” to “why in

VR

the hell did this happen to me?!”

U SRO

Why was I dealt this hand, what did I do to deserve this?! I

FF

didn’t ask to be born into a life of sexual abuse, domestic

IER

violence, narcissistic abuse, or any other type of trauma.

GF OSE

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this to myself, both

GA

in the past and as my healing journey continues. Before I

T S

started seeking help and confronting all of these memories, I

5E

would ask myself those questions simply because I didn’t

HT

understand that I was a survivor.

I just felt like I was life’s personal whipping boy, or being

bullied by Karma for something I must have done in the past.

Once I realized I was a survivor of abuse, I still asked myself

these questions. To be honest I don’t have all of the

answers. I do know the answer to one though, it’s not Karma

deciding to make an example out of me.

It can be so hard to accept that we didn’t deserve to be

abused, trafficked, mistreated, starved, or anything else.

Part of that acceptance of realizing what we went through

means that we have to sit with the anger for a time.

09

Once we come to the realization that something bad did

happen to us, or that we lost someone special to us *insert

any experience you can relate too here*, we can use Anger as

a bridge to healing.

We can’t be mad at something if we don’t accept that it

happened to us, right? Now that we accept it, it’s time to get

pissed off about it for a while.

Who in the hell does that kid up the street think he is;

preying on a young elementary school aged kid?! How

sadistic and disgusting do you have to be to want to touch

and force yourself on a little child!

I’m sorry, but no matter what happened to him in his life or

what he was subjected too that got him to this point; that’s

SRO

no excuse. He’ll get no such relief from me!

IVVRU

He screwed up my life before it ever had a chance to get

SR

started and help set the tone for a lifetime of invalidation

O F

and emotional struggle.

FIER G

Because he took away my innocence and my ability to speak

F O

up, I wasn’t able to stand up to the bullies in school who

SEG

constantly beat me to an emotional pulp. It was all I could do

AT

to keep from crying in school most days.

S 5EH

I saved that crying for when I got home, hoping to find relief

T

from my parents. The one place that we should all be able to

feel safe and cared for and validated.

Unfortunately if you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse too,

you know that having a safe place to come home too wasn’t

your true reality.

So, am I mad at my mother for how I was treated and

raised? Am I mad at my abuser for what he did? You bet I am!

Whatever trauma you experienced in your younger years or

faced later in life…you got hurt, and there’s nothing wrong

with being angry.

10

I’m not advocating that we become violent and hurtful

towards ourselves or others. That’s not expressing this

emotion in a healthy way and likely will only lead to more

turmoil for ourselves and those around us.

Set those healthy boundaries, keep clear of those you who

hurt you. There’s nothing wrong with telling the person

who wronged you that you are angry; that you need time and

distance to deal with your feelings.

You don’t have to get sucked into an argument or some

invalidating conversation where blame gets turned back on

you.

Write in a journal about how angry you are. Write a song

about it. Do some artwork or crafts. Whatever coping skills

SRO

you have in your toolbox, get them out and use them

IVV

regularly.

RU SR

Let it out, feel your feels. Talk it out, write it out, sing it out, O F

“art” it out!

FIER G

Don’t be afraid to cry those tears of hurt and anger either.

F O

How cleansing is it when we have a good cry, or multiple good

SEG

cries?

AT S 5

I wish I could say I have a lot of experience in the crying part

EH

of healing, but alas I am still a work in progress. The few

T

times I’ve been able to connect with it or speak with others

who have, it’s been a tremendous relief.

I definitely encourage you to speak to a professional if you

have access to one, and allow them to help you through this

and every stage of grieving your past. If you can’t do that,

then at least speak with a trusted friend, one that

understands you, won’t judge you, and won’t encourage

unhealthy actions during this time in your life.

You friend, you fellow survivor, you are validated in being

angry. Feel it as you need to and let yourself “get it all out” in whatever healthy way you can.

In time, you’ll be crossing that bridge onto the next phase of

healing. On your own timetable.

11

B A R G A I N I N G – T H E

G U I L T O F “ W H A T

I F “ A N D “ I F O N L Y “

This one can be particularly difficult to endure. Not that the

other stages are not difficult, but Bargaining in particular can

SR

bring with it a lot of guilt. Not only are we working through all OIV

of the other emotions, but now guilt makes us feel even

VR

worse.

U SRO

It’s important to look at Bargaining in two ways: the “What if”

FF

and the “If only”.

IER GF

“What if”. Here is where we try and make a deal with

OSE

ourselves, or perhaps our higher power; both of which I have

GA

tried to bargain with many times.

T S 5E

We can bargain with God. We think that if we offer to do

HT

something or change ourselves, that the pain will go away.

That we’ll be able to deal with emotions and not feel so

overwhelmed.

o God, what if I promise to go to church every Sunday.

o God, what if I do more good deeds in the community, or go

on that weekend retreat.

o God, what if I promise to read the Bible more.

We can bargain with ourselves. We try to convince ourselves

that if we turn our life around that good things will happen to

us.

o If I treat my siblings better, my friends better, maybe

they’ll like me more and that will help me forget about what

happened quicker.

12

o Maybe if I just keep myself busy and not think about it, it

will just go away.

o I’ll just start doing stuff for everyone else, then I won’t

have time to be so miserable.

These lists are endless and I’m sure you have your own

options that you’ve presented to yourself. You can see

where guilt can creep up and get a hold of you in these

scenarios. When we don’t follow through with our promises,

or we don’t think we’ve done enough, we feel guilty.

Guilt makes us feel even more broken, more stuck, more

miserable, and more helpless. On top of what we can’t

change (but are trying too), now we can’t fulfill the

agreement we made with God or ourselves.

SROIVV

It’s no win situation and it makes us feel helpless.

RU SR

The other part of Bargaining is the “If Only…”. Here is where

O F

the guilt can really take over. Just think of all the “if only”

FIE

statements that come to mind in any situation, let alone

R G

trauma recovery! Again, the list is endless, but here are

F O

some that I have used.

SEGAT

o If only I had not gone back to that teenager’s house so

S 5

many times, I wouldn’t have been hurt and I wouldn’t be in

EH

therapy right now.

T

o On that note, if only I had never wandered down the street

that fateful day in the first place. None of this would have

happened.

o If only I had the guts to stand up to the bullies in middle

school, I wouldn’t have been pushed around and been so

much of an outcast.

Talk about guilt!

13

We are trying to tell ourselves that we should have done

something that we weren’t capable of doing at the time. We

are trying to hold ourselves accountable for something we

couldn’t understand then. We are thinking with an adult mind,

about the events that may have happened to us when we

were a child.

Early on in our recovery journey especially, we often find it

hard to give ourselves a break. We think we should have done

this or could have done that. Those “shoulds” are not

relegated to only early recovery either. It takes a long time

to learn to be kind to ourselves and not place so much blame

and responsibility on our younger selves.

Trust me, I totally get it. It’s hard for me too.

SRO

That’s the thing about abuse recovery. It’s about realizing

IVV

that we couldn’t control what happened to us. We had no

RU

idea what was even going on and why; why it was so bad and

SR

why it wasn’t just normal behavior. On top of that if we were

O F

children at the time, trying to say that we had the power to

FIE

fend off an adult who was hurting us…well, there was just no

R G

way.

F OSEG

“What if” and “If only” serves to make us feel like could have AT

done more, or anything at all to keep from getting hurt. The

S 5

reality is, these feelings are indeed a normal part of working

EH

through our past. We need to sit with it and not feel guilty

T

about doing so.

Once we realize that we were groomed to not speak up and

tell someone; to not try and seek help…we can know that it

wasn’t our fault and we couldn’t have stopped it.

As always; continue to realize that you may very well go back

through the other stages for a time; none of this grieving

process is linear unfortunately.

There is hope ahead, Friend! That light at the end of the

tunnel doesn’t have to be the oncoming train we think it is.

14

D E P R E S S I O N -

W H A T ‘ S T H E P O I N T

O F E V E N T R Y I N G

A N Y M O R E ?

SR

We sit at home on a weekend, not wanting to go out because

OIV

we just don’t feel like it. We don’t want to be around other

VR

people to begin with, much less happy people.

U SRO

Even going to the grocery store and needing to interact with

FF

a happy cashier seems like “just too much work”.

IER GF

We don’t want people to come over and try to cheer us up,

OSE

because it’s either going to feel like they are placating us or

GA

we don’t want to bring them down to our level because then

T S

we’d feel even worse.

5EHT

Besides, they couldn’t possibly understand what we are

going through anyway, right?!

I admit I’ve thought like that; totally not ashamed to admit it.

It’s just reality here, friends.

It’s so much easier to sit alone in the dark, to stay at home

and just sleep or watch TV, than try and fight through the

sadness. The thought of picking ourselves up by our

bootstraps and going on seems pointless.

We feel like we are damaged goods. We were sexually

abused, raped, trafficked, abandoned, starved…insert your

own experience here.

A feeling of brokeness sums it up well don’t ya think?

15

Why would anyone want to hang around us if they knew the

truth of what we went through? We feel dirty, used up,

cheap, and like we just don’t deserve to be out and about,

living our life the way others are. Much less living a life we

hoped to have for ourselves.

We can’t trust anyone to keep their word, and on top of that

we can’t trust ourselves to make good decisions. The fewer

times we have to put ourselves in a position of opening up to

others and risk getting hurt, or hurting someone we love, the

more justified we feel. We can rationalize that so easily…I

know because I’ve done it.

This stage can last a very long time, because depression has

a way of getting ahold of us and not so easily letting go.

SRO

For survivors, this is a very frustrating time too.

IVVRU

Not only are we depressed because we are aware of the

SR

emotional and physical trauma we endured, but we may have

O F

suffered from depression before we ever knew why in the

FIE

first place.

R GF O

Talk about a double whammy!

SEGAT

A study by King’s Col ege in London showed that after

S 5

reviewing 26,000 people, those who experienced at least 1

EH

of the fol owing situations as a child were more than twice as

T

likely to experience depression as an adult.

o Rejecting interaction from their mother.

o Harsh discipline reported by a parent.

o Unstable caregiver throughout childhood.

o Self-reports of harsh physical or sexual abuse.

So, once we come to grips that we were twice as likely to

experience depression, we get even more depressed. Then

we find out why we are feeling depressed, and it gets even

worse.

16

The whole situation is a chain reaction, and it’s like, can we

catch a break?!

Exploring our past is deep, powerful, work and the truth is

painful to accept.

We need to be aware of how intense these feelings are, and

not try to go it alone. I know it sounds cliché, trust me I get

it, but it really is important to seek out help.

By now what do we have to lose? The status quo has gotten

us nowhere fast so far right?!

We stay home, secluded in our safe room, away from a cruel

world who doesn’t know why we feel the way that we do.

While it’s true that not everyone understands, we can’t use

SRO

that as a reason to stay closed off from the world forever.

IVVRU

We never go out, we never feel better, we just keep recycling

SR

in our minds, how miserable and broken we are.

O FFIE

You deserve more than that, whether you believe it or not

R G

right now. Once you do start to embrace that you can sit with

F O

the depression and slowly crawl your way out, it can be very

SEG

powerful. You start to believe what others have told you, and

AT

what you wanted to believe for yourself all along.

S 5EH

When you break down your feelings and analyze them with

T

someone who understands, you can start to piece together

why you feel the way you do. You can begin to see that there

is a healing light in the distance. It may not have been

present before, but it begins to shine just a little bit brighter.

I challenge myself as I write this and I challenge you, to

accept that it’s normal to go through depression during your

survivor journey. Sit with it, feel it, embrace it, but most

importantly seek out help to work through it so it doesn’t

continue to rule your life.

There is hope and there is healing, and the fact that we’ve

come this far means that freeing feeling of Acceptance is

ahead just waiting for us with open arms.

17

A C C E P T A N C E – N O W

I T ‘ S T I M E T O M O V E

F O R W A R D W I T H

H O P E !

SR

It’s worth mentioning in this context, Acceptance goes hand

OIV

in hand with Radical Acceptance. In fact, as far I’m

VR

concerned, they are one in the same.

U SRO

Radical Acceptance doesn’t suggest that we are OK with

FF

what happened, or that we approve of it, any more than it

IER

should tell us to try and minimize that trauma we suffered.

GF

Rather though, it’s all about realizing that something terrible

OSE

and horrific did happen to us, but that we are not doomed to

GA

dwell on it forever.

T S 5E

It doesn’t have to dictate our future. We have control of our

HT

future…we do not have control of the past.

There is Hope! Man, that’s a powerful statement isn’t it?! I

mean sit back and really think about that word. Say it to

yourself a few times right now. Embrace that it’s true for

YOU.

Isn’t that what acceptance is all about? Having hope for a

future we dream of even in light of a traumatic past?

Being able to focus on Hope and look forward to what life has

in store for us because of the mindset we create for

ourselves through the healing process; well that’s just some

amazing stuff right there! If you really embrace that, you can

feel yourself being empowered even as you say those

words.

18

Hope can be a serious driving force in healing from grief. We

can’t see it right away when we are denying that somebody

sexual y abused us. Or when we are mad as hel because our

parents abandoned us.

We may be able to see some hope when we are bargaining

with ourselves, or God, that if we do this or that, we’l feel

better. But it’s short lived, because coming to the realization

that we can’t bargain our way out of the past can lead back

into depression.

For that matter, it’s definitely difficult to embrace hope

when we are neck deep in sorrow, feeling like there is no

reason to go on. No reason to think our life can ever turn out

like we once dreamed it would when we were younger.

SRO

With Acceptance, it’s a very powerful feeling when you can

IVV

rational y look at what happened to you and say to yourself,

RU

“I’m not going to let these event(s) define who I am any

SR

longer.”

O FFIE

Yes, what happened me to was quite possibly the worst thing

R G

anyone could imagine, but I have to find a way to overcome it,

F O

and I wil ! At this point it’s important to be able to say to

SEG

yourself that you are no longer going to “try to heal, try to

AT

accept your past and move on” …it’s about actual y doing it.

S 5EH

You wake up each day going about your life, and any time you

T

start of feel yourself sliding backwards and doubting your

worth and abilities; you now know you have the power to

combat those feelings.

To quote one of my favorite movies, “The world meets

nobody half way.”

If you want to heal then you have to go after it, and not give

up! You’ve been dealt a hand that nobody should have been

dealt in life, but you are stil here and you are an example of

what it means to be a survivor!

19

Accept that your past wasn’t the perfect childhood that you

read about in story books; but know you are still worthy of

every good thing in life just as much as anyone else. And go

after it!

Of course, there will be rough days, times when you want to

tell your therapist to go jump in a lake. Times when you want

to give up and just stay locked away in your room again, to

feel depressed. Times when you will doubt your abilities.

Look at those feelings with a wise mind, because you know

that you have already survived so much and there’s nothing

in life that you can’t overcome if you put your mind to it.

I hope this series has helped you in some way, and if there’s

one last thing I would like to convey to you friend…Never

SRO

Give Up!

IVVRU

Remember, You Rock!

SRO F

- Matthew Pappas

FIER GF OSEGAT S 5EHT

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I N C L O S I N G

As survivors of abuse, any type of abuse, our world was

turned upside down before we ever had a chance to do

SR

anything about it. We live each day with a past that haunts

OIV

us, yet we continue striving to find normalcy, enjoyment, and

VR

contentment in our existence.

U SRO

We would not choose this hand we’ve been dealt, or wish it

FF

on anyone else, but it’s ours and we must own it.

IER

Being a survivor means we overcome, it’s just what we do.

GF

And when we move from Surviving, to Thriving, we can

OSE

Conquer anything!

GAT S

Friend and Survivor, always know that you are worth fighting

5E

for, no matter that voice in your head or anyone else tries to

HT

tell you.

You Got This!

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C R E D I T S &

A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S

This resource would not have been possible if not for the

support and encouragement of some very important people in

SR

my life.

OIVVR

Jennifer Hanson, LCSW – The amazing therapist who took me

U S

under her wing of protection and validation, and showed me

RO

that I was a survivor. Thank you for your insight,

FF

encouragement, kind heart, and patience with me. You jump

IER

started this healing journey and I am eternally grateful to you.

GF

www.HealingHeartsCounselingCenterLLC.com

OSEGA

Athena Moberg, CPC – Coach, Trusted Friend, and Survivor.

T S

You have shown me more about what it means to be a survivor

5E

than I could have ever imagined. Your message of hope

HT

resonates with me always and your heart for reaching

survivors is beyond compare. I appreciate the support, insight,

long talks, brainstorming, the laughs, tears, and frustration

that we’ve shared as friends. www.AthenaMoberg.com

Don Shetterly Blogger & Author – Dude, you were one of the

first people to show me what sharing is all about. Your blog

helped inspire me to start my own, and I am thankful beyond

words for your friendship and encouragement. You are an

inspiration, beacon of hope, and light for survivors across the

world. www.MindBodyThoughts.Blogspot.com

Kami Lingren, Blogger & Author – Thank you so much for your

friendship and support on this blogging journey we are both

on. Your encouragement, kind heart, and will to survive and

thrive each day with chronic pain is inspiring. Rise Above!

www.LivingGraceBlog.com

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Wes & Mike, Bloggers & Podcasters – My Partners in crime

in the Mental Health Podcasting community. Thank you both

for your friendship and encouragement as we share our

stories using our voice to help reach as many as possible

with the message of validation and hope! Wes –

www.AudioRising.com and Mike www.MikesOpenJournal.com

The Survivor Community – I could write another book just

talking about the amazing community of support that I have

grown to know, appreciate, love, and depend on. There are so

many of you that interact with me through email, social

media, or comments on the blog, and I could not be more

humbled to call you all friends and fellow survivors. Each and

every day you are there for me, as I strive to be there for you,

as we navigate our healing journey’s. #NoMoreShame

SRO

*ChangingMinds.org

IVVRU SRO F

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FIER GF OSEGAT S 5EHT

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I hope you’ll consider joining me on this healing journey by

checking out my blog & podcasts, and following me on social

media.

Let’s Rock Our Survivor Journey Together

www.SurvivingMyPast.net

Twitter: @SurvivingMyPast

Facebook.com/SurvivingMyPast

Instagram: @SurvivingMyPast

Pinterest: @SurvivingMyPast

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