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Story Telling Two

Story Telling Two

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story Telling Two

Magazine

 

A compilation of short stories,

yarns, rhymes and blogs.

 

More stories for you to read

All are good, and others,

require a giggle, indeed.

Long ones – short ones,

cheeky ones, and others,

when you will wonder,

where they will lead

 

 

 

 

Story Telling Two

Magazine

 

ISBN 978 0 9954890 7 3

Published by

Percychatteybooks Publisher

© Percy W Chattey 2017

 

Percy W. Chattey has inserted his right under the

Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.

 

All rights reserved

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Whilst Percy Chattey claims the Copyright to this work he acknowledges ownership of work submitted by others who have submitted articles for inclusion in this book.

Percychatteybooks is independent to the contents and reserves the right to alter, change or edit articles and is not responsible for any advice given or knowledge that is imparted and recommendation, guidance or information should be checked on independently before acting on it.

 

 

As always for my lovely wife Jean, friend and soul mate, who has helped with the editing and all rewrites, also listening to all my ramblings whilst putting these articles together*.*

 

My appreciation to the following

Derek Cook for the cover

Christopher Wyatt

Richard Seal

Trudie Le Beau

Pete Broadbent

Tony Wilson

George Carlin

icanhascheesburger.com

All my friends on Social Media who send me their gems.

 

The contents and the opinion shown or written here are not necessarily the views of ‘Story Telling’ or its publishers and are published as articles of interest and amusement only no offence of any kind religious, race or political is intended to any group of people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This notice was seen in a swimming pool, we are told it was somewhere in Africa. We do not know what happened to anybody who ignored the advice.

Welcome to Story Telling Two

In my opening remarks in the first issue of ‘Story Telling’ I spoke of the frustration it can cause in instructions or writings of letters replacing words, for instance CPU – I see it often and I still do not know what the meaning is or what it stands for. Recently we were in a café and around the counter was the letters

I I T Y W T M W Y B M A D

I’ll let one of my assistants tell you shortly what it means, before then let me introduce you to Meg our Guard Dog. She is the only one of that type, well we think so, who sits on the settee looking at the security cameras and barks when someone comes into view. Meg helped in the last issue to explain stories and other items and here she is again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meg says, ‘it is great to be back and to help me out let me introduce you to my cousin Bailey’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi that is me, Bailey

In this issue of Story Telling’

I am going to be helping my friend Meg out, she is a little tired with the work she had to do in the last issue, well she is getting on.

However first you need to know what

I I T Y W T M W Y B M A D

means, it is very simple and takes the biscuit, well it was in a café

If I Tell You What This Means Will You Be MAD.

[****][
**]I thought you might enjoy a bit of

memory touching. [Take pleasure in and recall a great comedian.
**]Bob Hope? He lived to be a one hundred, when he died in 2003 and spent his life amusing people and was famous for his one line quips.

On his death bed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. His answer was,

“Surprise me.”

BOB HOPE

NOW IN HEAVEN  

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and ‘thanks for the memories’ (His favorite saying).

Percy says, he always enjoyed him, his movies and his shows. He touched a lot of lives during his one hundred year life. Bailey will tell you more about him as we go through the book

****

Let’s make a start with these three little stories nothing to do with Bob Hope that will come later. I am told I must not stereotype people so in this first story we will not mention blonde coloured hair we will call her a Brunette.

Snow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point where visibility was down to zero by the time Debbie left work one evening. She just made it to her car but was worried how she was going to get home.

She sat in her car while it warmed and considered her situation and finally recalled some advise her father had given her, if she was ever in a blizzard and stuck in deep snow wait for a snow plough to come along and follow it, by doing this it would reduce her chances of being stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel better, she waited in the warm car and eventually a snow plough went past. Debbie feeling very smug as she had solved her problem with the blizzard and the snow followed it.

After travelling some considerable distance behind the snow plough she was surprised when it stopped. The driver got out and came over to her car indicating for her to lower the window. He asked her if she was alright as she had been following him for some time. She said she was fine and told him of her father’s advise that if caught in a blizzard to follow a snow plough.

The driver said that was good advice and it was Okay with him and she could continue to follow him if she wanted to. She said she was grateful and would follow him as he didn’t mind. He nodded his head and told her that now he had finished the Asda car park he was moving on to the Tesco one.

****

Golf Handicap

table<>. <>. |<>.
table<>. <>. |<>.
p<{color:#000;}. Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked

woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets

of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the

rear.  One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, “What’s

going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we  attendants are trying to catch

her.”

The golfer asks, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”  The old man says, “That’s his handicap.  He caught her last time

****

Big Boots

 An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.

 He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

 The old woman asked the man if it’s true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

 The man grinned and said, ‘Sure is, little lady. Why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?’

 The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

 The next morning she handed him a £50 note.

 Blushing, he said, ‘Well, thank you, I’m really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my ‘services’ before!’ ‘Don’t be flattered’ she replied…

‘Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit…’

****

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob Hope on turning 70

‘I still chase women, but only downhill.’

 

|

Hello – I have a questions

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

Deepening[
__][Sitting so straight to
meditate, feel breath
shallow but held to
deepening, busy mind
emptying, racing heart
slowing. Closed eyes
see deep red melting
into a ball, bright
with light growing in
peace and love.
Soul stills to bliss.][
__]Copyright Richard Seal 2014

****[
__][*The following is a very interesting article which gives us a clue of what is happening in the world also what tomorrow may bring. It uses ‘I’ but Percy did not write it and appreciates receiving it. *]

In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.

What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 year – and most people don’t see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again?

Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore’s law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became way superior and got mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs. Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.

Welcome to the Exponential Age.

Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years. Uber is just a software tool, they don’t own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world. Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don’t own any properties.

 Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected. In the US, young lawyers already don’t get jobs. Because of IBM Watson , you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.

Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 times more accurate than human nurses. Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.

Autonomous cars : In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don't want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving. Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car. It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that. We can transform former parking spaces into parks. Car accidents 1,2 million people die each year worldwide. We now have one accident every 100,000km, with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10 million km. That will save a million lives each year.

Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels. I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they are completely terrified of Tesla. Most car companies might become bankrupt.

 Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100 x cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.

Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute in a driverless car, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.

Electric cars will become mainstream by 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on electric.

Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the impact. Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out of business by 2025. Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean:

With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter. We don’t have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.

 Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the “Tricorder” from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it. It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.

 3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from 18,000$ to 400$ within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes. Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.

At the end of this year, new smartphones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home. In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.

 Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: “In the future, do you think we will have that?” and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner? If it doesn’t work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed in to failure in the 21st century.

 Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.

 Agriculture: There will be a 100$ agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all days on their fields. Aeroponics will need much less water. The first petri dish produced veal is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don't need that space anymore. There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labeled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).

There is an app called “moodies” which can already tell in which mood you are. Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it’s being displayed when they are telling the truth and when not.

 Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default reserve currency.

 Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year. Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it’s 80 years. The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more that one year increase per year. So we all might live for a long long time, probably way more than 100.

 Education: The cheapest smartphones are already at 10$ in Africa and Asia. Until 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone. That means, everyone has the same access to world class education. Every child can use Khan academy for everything a child learns at school in First World countries. We have already released our software in Indonesia and will release it in Arabic, Suaheli and Chinese this Summer, because I see an enormous potential. We will give the English app for free, so that children in Africa can become fluent in English within half a year all without wires.

It’s a Goal
Football mates wrapped
in scarves and coats shiver
in the stands, cradling tepid
Bovril whilst balancing pies,
dripping scalding meat.
Defeats suffered over pints
and post-mortem expletives.

But a goal gives green light
to their embrace, a kiss
planted on quiet neighbour’s
bald pate, piggy back ride
from dour pensioner in front.

Work on Monday, small smile
and nod between the men,
whose eyes know the score.
Copyright Richard Seal 2014

 

[*Hello – I have a questions]

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? |

 Little Old Lady

A little story to brighten up your day… It happened just outside an Underground station in London.

It had just stopped raining and there were protesters everywhere handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain abroad.

I politely declined to take one. A young female protester offered an elderly lady in front of me a pamphlet, which the lady also politely declined.

As a gesture of friendship, the young protester then gently put her hand on the woman’s shoulder and, in a very soft voice, said; “Madam, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?” The elderly lady stopped, looked up at her, smiled and said:“My dear, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and my grandson in Afghanistan…

All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad-mouth our country.

So if you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella where you won’t like it…Have a great day!

****

 

A Percy Blog:

Taken from his book Blitz & Pieces

A little known fact: Everyone – well I think everyone enjoys hot fresh bread, door step size with lashings of real butter on it and perhaps some jam. It was very popular during the Second World War so much so the government banned it. How could they do that you may ask? In that period each community had its own bakers and people shopped daily for their food so a law was passed forbidding bread makers from selling their wares on the same day that they had made it, the thinking behind this was the bread would not be as fresh and it would be easier to cut and therefore less wasteful. In my award winning novel ‘Blitz & Pieces’ which is my true story of growing up in that period, where I describe the horror of being brought up in the East London Blitz, also the restriction brought on by the war with Germany. I describe this and many other things as information for those who will have difficulty in imagining what it was like to be bombed on a nightly basis and for others to remember the difficulties of those times. All my work can be purchased through Amazon and if you are into Kindle then it can be downloaded in that format. For further information go to www.percychatteybooks.com

Bob Hope

On turning 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

**** 

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Tony Wilson’s Trilogy

The following is a chapter from Tony Wilson’s ‘Andrew Michaels Road to Recovery’ available in all EBooks. We will be printing further tasters in ‘Story Telling Three’ out in June 2017.

George Albright’s father had been a fairly prosperous doctor, although he only had a small country practice with few real patients, but that didn’t seem to be a problem at all; in fact it allowed him time to indulge his real passion – medical research. George wasn’t exactly sure what that meant but it seemed to keep them ‘in a manner to which they quickly became accustomed’. Throughout his formative years George attended private schools (to which his father willingly donated heavily to all their causes, new gym, new swimming pool etc.) and he turned out to be one of the fortunate few that didn’t have to study very hard to pass exams, it was assumed by all and sundry that he had a natural talent when it came to examinations.

It was also assumed that he would follow in his father’s footsteps, but during his first year at medical college things seemed to change. No matter how hard he tried to study (in between the parties of course), his progress started to seriously flounder, and finally, in desperation, he went to his father, pleading with him to pull a few strings. The only response he got was ‘work harder, I’ve done my bit, now it’s up to you’. This of course made George quickly realise that partying and late nights didn’t ensure good exam results, large donations did. Towards the end of his first year George had a phone call, not from family or friends, but from a reporter.

‘Do you have any comment on your father’s dealings with MEDILUX?’

Of course he had heard of MEDILUX, his father had been dealing with them, one of the largest Pharmaceutical Companies in the Country for years. He always seemed to be writing reports about one ‘clinical trial’ or other for them, but having the sense to utter the time honoured words ‘no comment’ he hung up and then tried to ring his father, first at the family home – no reply, ‘he must still be at his surgery’ – no reply there either.

As he was returning to his room he overheard the name MEDILUX mentioned on a neighbouring student’s television. Standing just outside her door he was informed by a very prim and proper Television Newscaster that the said company was in turmoil, and Members of the Board `and others’ were under investigation, for among other things ‘falsifying results of clinical trials’. As the report continued on he began to realise where his family’s wealth had come from, and it was certainly not from the small country practice.

George returned to his room, and medicine suddenly didn’t seem as interesting as it had done twenty minutes earlier. Even if he did manage to ‘pull his socks up’ and struggle through all the exams he had a shrewd suspicion that the name ‘Dr George Albright’ (he had been named after his father), was not going to be synonymous with good medical ethics, but what to do next? A couple of acquaintances had recently been extolling the virtues of ‘trading’ and ‘playing the markets’ in ‘the big smoke’, while at the same time showing off their flash new motors. This sounded right up his street, and it was, he took to it like the proverbial duck to water – and although he didn’t realise it at the time his timing was perfect. One quick phone call and he was on the next train to London.

Within a couple of days he had a job, within three months he had his own flash motor and within six he was naming his own terms. A year after that he went for broke, and putting all his eggs into one basket, and committing himself in a big way to ‘new-fangled modern technology’ he became the master of his own destiny. He started off quite modestly really, no staff to eat up profits, just emerging computers and a rapidly expanding market. His first million was the hardest – that took him almost a year. The rest; the multimillion, the first billion etc. came quite easily after that.

His father managed to stay out of the courts; instead he became a statistic in someone else’s court case. Some months earlier, to cut yet more corners he had apparently become a self-medicating human guinea pig, using, as it turned out to be, one of the more dubious concoctions that MEDILUX were conducting trials on. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, he succumbed to a very quick, but relatively painless demise; poetic justice, and his mother Maud survived her husband by no more than 3 months. George believed that it was not so much that she couldn’t live without his father, more; she just couldn’t live without his money.

Having no other surviving relatives George found himself friendless, relative-less, and starting to get rich, and as time progressed George did indeed become very, very rich, which could have tended to cause problems for a lesser person. Fame, expensive cars, private jets, begging letters and so forth, but not for our intrepid George, he came across Millie, a financial wiz at the local bank. Like himself she was an only child, with absolutely no interest whatsoever in increasing the world’s population, and ‘sensible’ about money.

First she fell in love with his bank account, then to everyone’s surprise she actually fell in love with George, and George reciprocated in kind. They shared the same values; hard work, a love of cutting edge technology, and not spending their gains wantonly. Don’t get me wrong they spent some of it, in fact quite a lot of it. They went on the cruises, not in the ‘best’ suites, that would have attracted all the attention, rather the ‘nice ones’, the ones that Bank Managers and Company Directors could afford.

When they flew, yes it was First Class, but they never caused a fuss, always keeping in the background, as though they had just been given an ‘upgrade’ by the airline, in fact George’s only passion, outside of his dealings (and Millie), was flying. Not in the aluminium tubes that passed for mass transport, more the canvas and string of vintage biplanes.

Millie, bless her heart, had seen the way her beloved George gazed on those ‘vintage string bags’ whenever their paths crossed, so realising that his birthday was looming she got her man, a man who could quite literally have ‘almost anything that the modern world could offer’, half an hour of history. It was a thirty minute flight in a Tiger Moth biplane, operated by a local flying school.

When the pilot was eventually allowed to land, pleading that they really were flying on fumes, George leapt out of the aircraft and made a bee-line for the office. He quickly signed up for a course of flying lessons and promptly climbed back into the by now re-fuelled aircraft for his first one, and George found out that he also had an aptitude for something else in life, he sailed, sorry flew through the course with flying colours.

On gaining his wings he took Millie up for a celebratory spin – literally – and after she had filled a conveniently located paper bag she demanded that he return her post haste to terra firma, and then explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that THIS was ‘his’ hobby, she was sticking firmly to her embroidery, and so his flying ability rapidly grew as he found more and more time to indulge his hobby, firstly by hiring the ‘Tiggy’ Moth at every possible opportunity, then by buying it.

He then came upon the second love of his life (or was it his third?), a beautifully refurbished bright yellow North American Aviation ‘Harvard’. This Second World War training aircraft only had one set of wings, and no canvas, but he didn’t care – it had wheels that went up & down. He purchased a ‘quarter’ share in this wonderful machine; people accepted that it was expected that a man with ‘a little money’ shared such an exotic toy with other likeminded friends – he failed to mention to anyone that he had also purchased the other ‘three-quarters’ as well.

But how did George and Millie end up with a caravan? By the way please don’t call her Mildred, as in that popular sit com TV show of yester years, George did once and it nearly cost him a divorce. I wonder if I will ever pluck up the courage to call her ‘The Dragon’, nah I think not, now back to the question, so how did they end up with a caravan?

Well, on the cruises that they went on they usually met people who turned out to be short term ‘best of buddies’, and then went their separate ways, and that suited them both just fine, neither of them were into long term `best friends`. They were not anti-social, far from it; they really did enjoy the company of other people, just in very small doses, and whilst George met quite a few ‘acquaintances’ as he flew around the countryside enjoying his hobby, Millie preferred to stay at home with her embroidery, she really was not in any way shape or form interested in the cylinder head temperature of a passing Spitfire.

What they needed was a pastime that involved them both, and so one morning, as they were returning from watching the current ‘must see’ show that they had both liked the sound of (on Broadway), they were sitting quietly in the corner of the British Airways First Class Lounge when they overheard a quite well known Politician singing the praises of caravanning. ‘I love it,’ she was saying, ‘it can be done in comfort; you meet the nicest of people, everyone is treated as equal, and if you do find the odd unpleasant person you just up sticks and move site’. This may have just been a typical Politician earning her crust on the way back from an International Caravanning Convention, but, ‘What do you think Millie?’

‘I like the sound of the ‘comfort’ bit George’.

‘So do I, alright let’s give it a try, what have we to lose?’ (How about your head George)

Six weeks later (they don’t hang about), fully kitted out with a new Toyota four by four and the latest top of the range caravan, complete with all the must have gadgets, except for one (‘Sorry Sir, awaiting delivery of the electric mover, we will fit it as soon as you return, they really are very popular you know’) they went in search of the sun. They decided to do it the quick way, ferry to Santander, a quick overnight stop near Toledo (they didn’t even unhitch the caravan), and then into a rather pleasant sounding site just north of Granada, ‘Alhambra Palace here we come’ they thought, then came the rains!!!!

Copyright 2012 TonyWilson

ISBN 978-1-62050-059-0

***

Visit: http://www.Shakespir.com/books/view/714975 to purchase this book to continue reading. Show the author you appreciate their work!


Story Telling Two

More stories for you to read All are good, and others, require a giggle, indeed. Long ones - short ones, cheeky ones, and others, when you will wonder, where they will lead

  • ISBN: 9780995691735
  • Author: Percy W. Chattey
  • Published: 2017-03-30 12:20:13
  • Words: 26108
Story Telling Two Story Telling Two